Morning Good - Good Heads, You Know What To Do - Episode 216

Episode Date: April 14, 2024

Paddy Defino and a mystery guest join the show for today's episode. They talk about the 2013 frozen hamburger horse meat controversy, getting baited into saying something anti-Semitic, and weening off Blue Chews.Thanks again to Paddy for coming back on the show for another episode. Check him out on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and make sure to keep up with new episodes of News From Bed on YouTube.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Oh, yeah. Penis. All right, we're here with Patty. Penis. And my mystery guest. Hey.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I mean, big morning good. are going to know who you are. They're going to be like, I know exactly who that is. Is that what your fans are called? The goodheads? The good heads.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My guests are so good to fucking sucking cock dudes. Or my fans. My guests are going to get into the dick sucked. I think I would be pretty good at it. How many good heads are there? Millions. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, shout out in the comments if you know who I am. Mystery, yeah. I mean, definitely don't because people will know who you. There is going to be. Sound off. Do you ever think about sucking a dick? It is kind of appealing. No.

It's kind of like, okay, I'll keep an open mind. It's like a peeling a banana and then sucking a banana. This is where we're going to start the episode, is that? So I've thought about it. Yeah, I've thought about it. But like I just, first off, I don't know, I think it would taste horrible at first. And the second you taste a penis, there's no way it tastes good. Yeah, but you would recognize it right away.

You'd be like, mm, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my car. Why does this taste like my uncle? Yeah, it gives you a flashback. Yeah. You just turn it to Raven Simone. You're like, Sh,

Coach Andrews? Yeah. The weird is, you ever get like a random smell? You're like, I've smelled this. I have no idea what it is. Yeah.

Yeah, because smell is the most powerful memory sense. Really? Yeah. It's the most powerful memory sense. Like, it's the most connected

to your memory. Like, and you smell something more powerful than anything. It'll, like, remind you of shit, even if you can't remember what it is. That makes sense.

It'll just get, like deja vu or something because you smell something. Raviolis. I got to check something, but I'm just like, Raviolis. Raviolis. What a cliffhanger. Ravioli, that's a weird one where like, I don't remember eating much ravioli as a kid,

but I'll have like chef boyardis, then it'll just throw me back to like, oh, yeah. Just a really weird spot in my life. Do you remember when there was a time when people were getting beefaroni and it was just like, it's just like the noodles covered in like meat sauce? Like chef boyardies. Yeah. It's the same guy.

Yeah. But everyone was like getting him and they're like, yeah, these are like full of glass. It just like it cuts to like, it was like videos of little kids. He's like, B. Feroni was my favorite thing ever.

And then I ate some and my mouth was bleeding. It's like, we have to kill chef boyardee. Dude, it is so funny too because like, I like when people are surprised that there's crazy people out there that just want to fuck shit up.

It's like, yeah, part of that is excited. Like, I get if you, like, hated your life and you worked in a rabbioli factory, you're like, I'm just going to start putting glass in here today. Yeah. You're like, why would I not just fuck this up for everybody? You remember there was one of those, like, mass hysteria moments where the news was freaking out

because there was, like, horse meat found in something? That's, who cares? But it was, like, weeks of that of people being like, I can't believe we were eating horse meat. And then, like, the meat industry was like, yeah, you've been eating, like, horse meat forever. Yeah, that's awesome. Just picturing a guy in, like, a fucking ape where he's like, you guys are fucking stupid.

But tell you what, you're probably eating a couple people, throwing some babies in there. You guys been eating all kinds of stuff. It was like one brand got in trouble for it. And then all the other brands were like, oh, no, no, no, we're selling you horse meat. Yeah. Make no mistake.

It's just what meat is. It's usually a horse. Well, then it's like, what is it fucking, isn't, yeah, there's all kinds of stuff. Like jello's made. I think jell's made out of hooves, right? Jello and glue, they're like, I remember being a kid and they're like,

we just take an entire horse and boil it into glue. And I'm like, what? Why? And they're like, that's the only way we can be a clue is by killing an entire horse. You think, do you think it is? I don't know. They always say, like, it involves hooves, but like...

They ever touched a horse? No, no. I'm way too scared, yeah. You're scared of horses? They're the sweetest little guys. They are huge. They're like... Very sticky.

Yeah, but they're like giant... It would be like touching a car that has the mind of a horse. I feel like no. But they're so soft, dude. I don't like walking behind a horse. But when you pet a horse, you're like, this is an amazing moment. Oh, wow.

Because you touch this animal is so much bigger than you, and it's like... It understands you. It's like connecting to you and, like, letting you pet it. Yeah. That's why, like, people stop doing drugs after they meet a horse. Yeah, really?

Do that in a lot of rehabs. Yeah, they'll, like, send you to, like, if you're a teenager, then you start fucking unroly. It's another problem. if you've been addicted to everything I didn't know that

people touch a horse and it's like let's some rehab like what he's saying they'll send you to a place in the desert and one of the ways they'll try to like

change your behaviors by letting you hang out with a horse yeah and it calms you down and teaches you that life is bigger than just you

I do like their lips like when you hold the sugar cubes they're like oh it's so cute yeah no part of you wants to feel

those little things on your hand. Dude, me and like wild life, even though that's not wild, it's tamed. We don't get along all that well. Yeah, not all that sweat. I had a horse stuff on my foot one time when I was a kid. I bragged about it for like 10 years. Like literally I was like it stepped on my foot and left like a bloody, like it was fine.

Like it just caused like, and I remember it barely hurt me. But for some reason, for some reason, there's a time period of my life where I just didn't feel a lot of pain. I don't know what was going on. But I just remember like being. three years where I'd go around and tell people to punch me in the stomach to show how tough I wasn't it like wouldn't hurt I'd do all these like cool tough guy things and then randomly everything just started hurting but once you started wearing those glasses then the real tough

guys slid away I had something similar I felt pain but I was like I realized at one age I was like you can just decide that something doesn't hurt that bad yeah and it's like not that like if you bitch about it it it'll hurt more totally so I could like take a lot of pain and then one day I was like, but I don't, why am I put myself through this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like, to feel, Jake. Those horses, they wouldn't let you touch the horse, so you had to harm yourself. But it's like, I think, I do agree with like the kind of thing is like, whenever I do something to impress my friends that was physically painful, it would never hurt.

Like when it's like, okay, touch the shock pen. It would hurt for a second. It'd be like, nah, it's fine. Yeah. Or, like, do stuff like that. I know I have a high tolerance for pain because, like, doctors say that. I clinically am a cool guy. It just seems like it's like some form of like just jazz me up.

It's kind of like your grandma's like, wow. You're the strongest guy. Yeah, really. Every time you're at the doctor, they do like the reflex test. And they're like, wow, you can take a hard tap and you're like, I know. I know. I've been to the doctor before. You know what?

You know what though? I, okay, want to hear this? I went to go, I was doing these OCD tests for, wait, can you finish your thing? And then I'll finish. No, I was just going to say, like, I went to, when I had my appendix out, they were like, do you need, like, do you need, like, medicine or anything? I'm like, no, I don't feel, it feels fine. Yeah, you said the only thing I'm addicted to is rock and roll.

Do you have a horse nearby? That's all the opioids I need. That was it. That was all I was. Well, I was do these OCD tests, and it was like, they took me into this thing, and they're like, you're going to be comfortable an MRI machine, right? And I was like, yeah, totally. It's not going to scare me at all.

And part of me was like, it might scare me, but like, I'm going to be tough enough to do it. And then the second they put me in it in, I was like, I started like freaking out I took me out I agree dude it's terrified I was in an MRI machine when I was like 18 yeah they were like

it's like a little weird you might feel like a little uncomfortable in there and I was like I can see it like I can see you guys it's fine and then when they put me in I was like I'm terrified yeah it's like trembling

oh it's so scary and like also like so the OCD test they had to do it upstate so they're taking me they gave me like a ride I got like 300 bucks for this through like NYU

and they're just doing clinical research and by the way, terrible research is the dumbest thing. It's like, does this make you? It's like, we're throwing money away with this fucking reason. It's like, somebody's done this study before,

but either way, we're driving to upstate. They just throw like a bunch of like cards on the ground. They're like, are you freaking? The doctor comes in with like a ghost mask on, like a scream thing. He's like, are you just scared? Is this doing anything for you? Just zips his pants?

No, okay. Check. But they fucking like, it was so creepy because like we're going to upstate and like, that's where it's creepy because we're driving through the woods past mental institution. Yeah. And NYU depart. That's the most southern thing I've ever heard you say. What? We're going to upstate.

We're on our way to upstate. What do you call outside of New York City? I'm going upstate. What did I call it? Going to upstate? Yeah. So we're on our way to upstate. Yeah, I don't know how to say any of that stuff.

But it felt very shutter islandy where it was like, yeah, you know, you're going to. might not return, dude. It's like an ass. You're not supposed to go back down. Oh, no. Yeah. And then the security guard up front is like this giant guy. I'm like, this is for sure the guy when I'm escaping the thing.

I finally break out of the lab and he's like, yeah. It's just, it's just Mike from Better Call Saul. And where do you think you're going? Here's what you're going to do. You're going to put that dunce cap on. You're going to turn around and you're going to walk back inside. that's what I felt like that I get into the MRI machine

it's an Indian guy and it was so funny too he was trying to like he's trying to make it like not scary he's like trust me he'll be fine he's like we put a woman in here

last week she was so fat she was so big and big fatty and she's like and she was not a problem so you'll be totally fine you'll be able to get out

he'll be totally fine and I got her number yeah dude speaking of like India I was thinking of like the eclipse how funny like they didn't have

the eclipse in India right this was just like a New York kind of thing or whatever. It was like a North American thing. You weren't even in the direct path of it. Yeah. But like I was imagining like while the eclipse was going on, everyone's standing outside.

I was imagining what it would be like in India to like witness an eclipse and just seeing like the moon coming and like touching next to the sun. They're just like, oh yeah, push them together for me. Come on now. Like they think they're boobs. Oh, wow. Just a bunch of people catcalling and eclipse. Wow, you should squeeze them together for me one more time.

Thank you very much. I'll be honest. I hate to room a mental, but I'm fake laughing, right? Yeah, me too. I'm fake laughing too. You're not even laughing. Good bit. Let's start off.

The thing that was funny that was I get out of the machine, and then they were acting like they were so proud of me. They were like, the dogs like, you should be very proud of yourself. You were a very brave man today. Do you think it's because they told him, like, we got the OCD people coming in, like, take it easy. Yeah, they're going to be freaking out there. And when I was in there, a part of me just, like, imagined, like, because we're next to the psych ward

that, like, I was going to get stuck in there, and then they were going to break out and, like, just skull fuck my doctor and, like, I'm going to be, like, stuck in the machine and, like, I just picture, like, the worst case scenario is possible happening. Yeah. And then, but it was funny, too, because there's, like, two cute, like, lab assistants too, and they're, like, he were so brave. Oh, it was like, no, it wasn't even that scary for me. Like, I was trying to have to be wearing those glasses.

Yeah. I wasn't even that afraid of it. No, it was honestly pretty easy. I could do that any day. Yeah. I had the same thing at the hospital. Like, the doctor did like a, when I got blood drawn,

I like freaked out. And then the next night I went was like a hot nurse. And I was immediately like, yeah, it's fucking doesn't. Yeah. It doesn't scare me at all. I'm like the toughest guy.

It's somebody too. Because I'm like, what do I think's gonna, what do I think I'm gonna fuck this nurse? Like, it's not gonna happen. But in my head, I still try to like, look attractive in the dumbest. When I was, that was one thing I miss about being in a relationship

because I just did not care I looked ever. Now it's like I was going to... We know. Now it's like I'm going to the airport and like putting mints in.

I'm like, I'm not gonna fuck somebody on the plane. Like, what do I think it's gonna happen? You might, dude. I always want,

like, when I was a kid and I first started watching porn and like you just see a video where like a guy walks into like a shop and then the woman bends over and then they just start fucking.

Like, I thought that was like a possibility. No, no. It takes hours of convincing a woman to have sex with you. Yeah. You got to prove.

you're not a serial killer, but also not a giant pussy at the same time, which is a really hard balance. It is. Like I'll go on like dates around like Times Square and I'm like walking towards like a pier and I'm like, not that way. Let's walk in the brightest place possible. I'm not a fucking serial killer.

But I've heard girls tell me how dates I act kind of gay because I'm like, I'm just trying to seem not threatening. It's like years of relationships where you have to act gay around women, you're not. It's a lose-lose dude with these gals. I don't think so. Sometimes you get pussy. It feels really good on your dick. It's a lose, lose.

Yeah. Guy who's trying to convince another guy that sex is good. I don't know, man. I'm just saying it feels good. It's almost like it's supposed to go in there. It just feels right, dude. I don't know. You just got to like just be cool, you know.

Just be cool. You got to tell me that. It's fucking sick. People that don't know, Patty's got blue sunglasses on. You've got the... I can look at the eclipse whenever. Yeah. Anytime it's an eclipse, I'm prepared.

You should wear those eclipse glasses outside of my big night's coming back. They don't want you to notice it's coming back. I'm going to wear these in like a week from now. I'm going to go stand in the middle of the street and stare at the sun. People are like, these are the glasses. You missed it and I'm like, no, I'm actually, I'm early for the next one. You're all missing it. Those look like the 3D glasses you need to see like the new Jordan Peel movie.

They give you like plastic, like sunglasses. They give you like sunglasses. 3D ray band glasses. Yeah, now. It's kind of annoying. I'm like, I want the shitty ones. Oh, the red and blue ones are fun. I want the red and blue ones.

That's like the classic look. Yeah. Because then you can go like this. You're like, ooh, blue movie. To a party and put a lampshade on your head and everyone's like, what the hell? It's out of control. This guy's nuts. Is there a 3D eclipse coming?

I used to make my own 3D. Oh my God. This is so funny. We should have stared at the eclipse with the red and blue 3D glass. Made your head explode. Dude, I used to, you know how you'd have the red and blue. So I have the red and blue glasses because that is Titanic like top up like 3D book where you look through it and be like 3D image of the Titanic.

Damn. And I realized to make 3D, you just have to have red and blue together, like to make a 3D picture. So I started drawing when I was a kid like pictures of naked chicks with red and blue marker to try to make like a 3D image. Just big red and blue boobs. And it worked, but they're just like slightly off the page. I was like nice. Damn, dude. It looked like they're slightly closer to my That's a really good idea. Yeah, yeah. I wonder if somehow I could do that with news from bed is like make it 3D.

Oh, for sure. Yeah, you just have like the red and blue. Like it's really red and blue together. They should have to be on the same, I think, either dip in or the same side of the glass. You know how crazy? Like people... How do these work?

Or how do like 3D glasses that are just two like black lenses? How of those work? Are those red and blue too? That doesn't make any sense to me. No, no. Are they like slightly red and blue? No, I think that's some sort of distancing thing. Like there's like one that's like,

further away. Like it's like multiple things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, could you imagine how crazy the fans from news from bed would be if the feet would like come out of the TV at them? Oh, my God, dude, they would be busting. Can anyone, where do I get a good pair of 3D glasses?

Mine are covered in jizz. Dude, that was the worst. You remember, like, the 3D thing came back for like one year and everybody thought. The TV, the 3D TV. Yeah, that's why I've, never gotten into the whole like I don't know I never get into those trends that people just

act like are like giant like the VR goggles and stuff like I'm like I know this is it'll be fun for like a week and then nobody yeah I tried 3D porn with me and my ex were like breaking up because I didn't want to do it while we were dating and it was like a week out I'm like this isn't technically cheating and then it just takes so much time to like set up the thing and you feel like such a fucking idiot when you got come on your stomach and glasses on your head it's like the worst post not clarity ever you're like I'm jerking off

and I'm a fucking nerd pussy. You're like, I thought this is like the lamest thing I've ever done in my life. Yeah, dude, the cooler porn gets the sad or the fall off is afterward. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the more ever you put.

That's why I quit watching porn, but yeah. Did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was having sex with somebody I was thinking about how cool a porn I watched it than a week before was. I'm like, that's not. This would be so cool if she was an ork.

Yeah. And I was a bar wench. Damn. Yeah, this is like, wildly unhealthy for me to do this. And then it's like, I don't know, I feel like the whole erection thing, too. It's like, I'll occasionally have big problems.

And I'm like, we're not watching porn. It'll probably be some of the issue fixed. Is this podcast sponsored by Blue Chew? It should be, dude. Because I've been fucking hungry hungry hit throwing those things. Like a maniac, dude.

Yeah, like I keep them in like a Ziploc bag, like trail mix. Well, the funnies is fucking like, we just put it in a bird feeder. Michael's like on the wall. The funniest was the text I said, Pat, like the text I said yesterday was like me like, like, just got to be like,

hey guys, because I was out of town. I was in Florida for a while. And I had like one blue chute left there. So I'm texting you guys like, hey, like, just being played for like, hey, did the blue chew come in? But like, Loki, I was like terrified.

I was like, did the blue chew come in? Because I need it. Oh, yeah, because you said package. And I was like, no, because you had another package. It's a discrete packaging. We've gone over this. Speaking of discreet. Yeah, so how would I know what it is?

It shows up and you're like, did my dick pills come? You wouldn't, I mean, it's just, you know. Well, Patty immediately. Or I know what these are. What if we were like, no, and then you walked in, we're both standing there with boners? I haven't seen. I didn't see anything. It's weird.

Maybe someone stole them. Our nipples are out. Dude, those things do make me feel like, they make you feel kind of invincible in a way. Yeah, dude. They're amazing. But it's like one of those things where I'm, I'm going off of them.

Like, I'm taking them here and there. Try to take them less and less. Yeah, you're weaning off. I'm weaning. I'm weaning. I'm weinering off the blue shoes. That'd be funny. You just said to a doctor about something like,

like, you go through like hair and withdrawal. I'm going to try to wean her off. You know? Yeah. And he's like, what? I just trying to get my wiener off. for this. But it was funny too because I had one ready to go

because I thought something was a date this week. It was just totally not. It was, did you hear about this? No. Dude, there is not a more embarrassing and stupid feeling in the world when you think you're going on a date. Oh, yeah.

Not at all. Have you ever been on the date? No, I haven't gotten that far. And then you say something and they're like, wait, do you think this is a date? You've never had that happen? No. Dude.

Wait, can you tell me this one? Yeah, I met a girl at a bar and she was like really into comedy and I like I was she was like so beautiful and I like got her number and I was like hey do you want to like meet at this bar for a drink or whatever?

She's like yeah that'd be fun and it was just me and her and she looked like so nice and like we were both drinking and then like she went and put it like a song on the jukebox and I love it and I was like yeah like maybe sometime like we could like

I don't know get dinner or something or like do something to my place and she's like well I thought we were just gonna like like hang out at the bar like be bar friends and I was like oh you want to be like friends she's like yeah you thought this was a date

and I was like and then she turned to the bartender and she's like Ted this guy thinks like I'm on a date with her and he's like oh man or whatever and of course like the bartender's like a hotter guy who she knows and I'm like I'm nothing I'm such a piece of shit I'm going to go fuck you in the back

what an idiot right here this idiot doesn't know he'll she'll just fuck everyone like He's just fucking her. He goes, sorry, I can't keep fucking. I can't keep fucking. I thought he was going to fuck him. What a goddamn idiot. It is really like the most embarrassing feeling on the planet.

Like I was like, I thought I had like a date last time I was in town. I was like some girl like we like made out in high school, but like we weren't really friends outside of that. And then she like followed the podcast. She'll probably hear this. I don't really give a fuck. But she followed the podcast and stuff like that and like would like videos. I'm like, oh, she's probably just like a comedy fan. But she's like, let me know when you're in town.

So I was like, okay. And then I was like, I have. a show, blah, blah, and then she didn't want to see the show. I was like, oh, we can grab drinks. And then I'm wearing, like, my cute. Like, I'm like, like, my best out. I'm so excited. I'm like, putting cologne on.

I'm like, yeah, dude, I'm going to look so cute on this date. Like, look at my mom's like, I'm like, mom, I can't talk right. You know what I'm like, no, no, no, no. I got to look cute itself in this date. And then, uh, I'm like, I'm driving over there. And I get a text, like, do you cool, is it cool for my roommate comes through to? And I'm like, definitely. And then I was just like,

fuck. Definitely. Sitting in the Uber like. Definitely. Not. Definitely. Montage of you like in the mirror trying out of different outfits. Tell me,

not now, mom, I got to look cute. Hoping in the Uber like, she's like, cool, my roommate and my boyfriend come and you're like, totally. Yeah. Yeah, it's just your mom in the living room. You walk out. You're like dressed as a sultan.

She's like, you come out. You're like, a sailor and she's like, you just have your normal clothes and she's like. That'd be so funny. I'm dressed like a sailor on the day. And her roommate shows up and I'm like, this wasn't a date?

God, I'm like a fucking idiot. This wasn't a date. I was ready to drop anchor tonight. I wouldn't wear my normal army man outfit if I would have known that. Do you mind if I switch into something else to go back as like a gladiator? All right. All right. Fine. Casual clothes.

Oh, man. But it's just that feeling is just like real embarrassing. It's really embarrassing. It's like embarrassing and then... Because I would have... She was cool. Like, I was happy. I was like, oh, I would totally...

Like, it was... The problem is like the lead up. Like, if it wasn't three days before in and I was like, oh, okay, so I got it this day. And I'm great... I told you I bang some fat check on a balcony like the night before. Like, I was getting greedy. That's structurally...

not very responsible. I'm telling you, I mean, I feel like if you plan to get a drink with someone that you don't know that well, it's like, kind of, is it on you that you thought it was a day? No, yeah, I think it was very, but like, then I look back at the text and I'm like, oh, some of them were kind of like me being like, let's grab drinks versus her being like, but I mean saying like, hey, I want to, like, I don't know, it's really hard of comedy to know what is. And I really appreciate her bringing her, because I have no fucking idea if not. Yeah, that's probably why she did it. Because she's probably like, oh, he thinks this is a date. That's like she handled that right. She was like, 100%.

Oh, this guy thinks this date. Yeah, yeah. 100%. It's so funny if I didn't get the cue. I'm like, get the recent ladies. I sit right between them and put my arms around. I'm like, so. You all ready to set sail?

We do this in my car or yours? I'm the SS gunneria. Yeah, no, it was fucking funny. but yeah that's one thing too that I was like oh I wish I would have known earlier but she probably didn't know she probably like didn't know that I thought that's what was going on until like no like girls like usually assume like the most safe thing like the most like first and then they'll go to like this we are the other way yeah by the way if you're a female friend of mine I would fuck you at any money you give me the thumbs up word you No, no, no, no, no. There's a lot. Like, comics, like, I mean, and outside of comics.

I'm actually very surprised you don't hook up with comics. No, dude. I'm like, well, it is funny, too, because, oh, this happened one time before. This was really funny. I had a show at a comedy club, and I hit on one of the waitresses. Or no, I was out, and the waitress was really hitting on me. She missed the first two nights of shows. And then she's like, oh, yeah, let me get your number. So it was, like, all instigated by her. Like, I'd never purposely go out, like, out of my way to hit on a waitress. By the way, when I was in a relationship, I was like, fuck down. I was like, you guys are idiots. You're going to throw away your career for some pussy. You guys are fucking morons. Yeah. And then the opportunity is there for me. And I'm like, well, I can bend to the rule. What are you looking at?

You can't see anything. You can see the lights? Yeah. That's the point of these. Oh, I don't know you can see the light. You look directly at the light. Oh, yeah. But I would throw away peace in the Middle East for pussy.

Yeah, yeah. Well, what happened was like, she was like, oh, I missed the first couple nights. She's like, how do I know you're funny? And I was like, oh, you'll see the show tomorrow night. You'll know I'm funny. bombed so hard that she would avoid eye contact and I'd walk by. Like literally I'd walk by and just head down.

And then I fucking like, what was it? Like I texted her and I was like, yeah, that was pretty brutal. She goes, yeah, that was a lot. So yeah, you could totally. But I was like, that's probably for the best because at least that's where I got to tell myself. But yeah, no, it's like not.

That risk is so. Because then it's like, even if things went well, it's like if I go back in town again and then hooked up with somebody else. It's like, it's a fucking terrible. Yeah. He's probably. keep clear all that.

Just keep sticking with those, like, fat. Just the fat. It was great, dude. I got, it was in my friend's balcony. And it had been a while, so I took up with a bigger girl. And just, you forget how awesome it is. It's a great experience. It's like a bouncy house.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and she was hot, huge tits. Like, I think if they have big boobs and it kind of evens out or like a big butt where it, like, yeah. She was sucking my dick. And I was, like, wrapping my legs around her and, like, really feeling like, damn, she's really fat. This is not. I was like, I was like, this is exactly

what I was looking for tonight. Oh, I haven't been with like a fat girl, which is surprising as a fat man myself. You're not fat. No, I'm pretty fat, dude. You think you're fat? Yeah. Dude, if I was naked right now, I'm naked

fat. And neck fat. Neck and naked. I'm naked fat. I'm telling you. I get naked. I look fat. Maybe that's just the human body. Yeah, dude, it rarely maybe probably looks pretty high naked. does like to knock on my door and just slide like

a wet shirtless body One time I knocked on Patty's door after I got out of the shower to tell him something because I had an idea and then Patty got flustered And I was like holy shit Also

But we're gonna beep all this I don't know if I told I don't know if you told you this But mystery guests Yeah mystery guests over here I was like on a dating app recently and I matched with a girl who like only spoke Spanish

So I was like trying to send her some messages in Spanish to, like, get her to come over to English. So I was, like, looking stuff up on my computer, and I didn't realize I left it up and comes into my room. And he's just like, what are you doing? And he points to the screen. On the screen, it just says, how do you say, you are so beautiful in Spanish? He's on Google Translate. I was like, what are you doing? He's like, fuck, dude. God, it was so embarrassing. I would rather have called you watching porn.

I would have rather been watching gay. I would have weather. You call me watching porn. Shut up. Sexy. See, I'm really... Sexy guy. I think I'm really unattracted to foreign women

because it just reminds me of somebody being lost. Like, when I hear somebody speak broke in English, they could be like, they'd be like, this is the most smart Russian scientist. I'm going to be like, ma'am, do you know where you are right now? I'm just like, I don't know. I'm not, like, not attracted to foreign women.

I don't... I don't... It kind of turns me off when someone doesn't understand, like, sarcasm. That's, yeah. Which Russian women do not. That's like how I talk. Yeah, yeah. When I'm joking around.

And if you don't think that's anything, then, like, you're not, you're going to hate me. Yeah, what do I have to offer? I guess like nothing. Yeah. Yeah, the, what is it to the British is hot to me that. You're going, oh, you go over here. You know, I'm going to give you a crook a sock. Whip it out

Don't we see you That's like a little leg for you Captain Barbosa From the Caribbean You take your cork Oh yeah And I'm gonna give you a nice big leg I'm a hard British lady

Oyeoy get over here Ronnie You go get on tip You want me do it for you All right Here we go Have you want me pooped Oh yeah

Boy right in my hands My name's Elizabeth Swan this dress is too bloody tight around my waist I love the idea of I don't know who Kieraniteley is and I'm talking about one of the pirates in the movie I'm like yeah dude Kieranightly was so fucking hot

When Kira Knightley pops her eyeball out Oh God All I want to do is shove it up my ass Yeah give a little spank I wonder if that's how he pops his eyeball out And gives us to a woman She just puts it in his mouth in her mouth.

He's like, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Here is 20 de blooms. Dude, have you seen that one guy? I think his name is something white. Do you think of pirates ever, a cheeky pirate ever hired a prostitute? He's like, here's some booty for your booty.

Just a joke. I am asexual. just a joke my cock was blown off in the cannonball fight of the salty break but you do have a nice booty was a

who's that one guy there's this one guy he's like not a he's an internet comedian he's a black dude whose eye pops out of his head it's like something I forgot

if he were to kill me but this guy bit you know what I'm talking about I'm not really that on the internet to black people No. Shabani is one of my feet.

Other than that, he's like a regular one of the guys. Yeah, but he like, he does this thing where he scams everybody. And like, like, he's talking about how like he just, every company he sued for racism, he's like, yeah, what I motherfucker do is I fucking do this, this and that, sue the company for racism, move on to the next company. And he's like, literally one of the funniest people I've ever seen. But I think he does stand up too now. But I don't know. Wow.

That's a pretty cool grift. I wish I could do that. Yeah. Everything's kind of sick if you know how to do it. There's not a lot of white guy griffs. I mean, podcasts. There's a chill out of white guy. What are you talking about?

That's the one we can't do. I could do any of the other ones. You could do those two. People now sue company for reverse discriminate, like all the time. Like, you get sued for reverse discrimination? Like, you didn't discriminate me enough? No, reverse discrimination is like when white people are racist against, somebody's racist against white people. Oh, isn't that just discrimination? Why do they do this to us whites?

They're like, we have to make a new rule for the white people. You believe in discrimination? Well, I'm not like, no, like the reverse racism is not nearly as big in issues. People make it out. Oh, totally. But it also doesn't make sense. People say it's not, they're like, it's not, right? What is the same thing?

You just renamed it something else. Well, it's just like some people are, like, companies trying so hard to prove that they're doing the right thing that they're like, they'll just hire someone. We killed the five. They won't hire someone just because they're white. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I guess you could sue for that, but it's like, you know, that's not every company. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, yeah.

It's like, I was talking to Kim back about that. He was talking about the pilot thing. He's like, now they're just hiring, you know, the worst pilots ever because of this is. And then, I was like, I don't know, I'll die. I'll die. Yeah. I'll fucking die. If I have to fly, dude, that frontier shit piss me the fuck off.

Not the listers want to hear that, but I'm going to talk about anyways. I almost, I don't know, dude. I got really fucking mad at Frontier. They are like a, it's like a Disney airline, right? Where it's like a lot of people go into Disney World. I don't know what it is. It's like, but it's like the shit they pulled is they said they're like, I was trying to check it on my phone.

They were like, you can't check in on your phone for like no reason other than they're just like it's not compatible or whatever. They're checking to the front desk. And I get there 58 minutes before. Like it's too late. And it was just a lineful of people that they're like, yeah, no, you got to be here two hours before. You want to fly front here.

Dude, the, like, stringency at airports has gotten so far. Like, it's gone so far since 9-11. like I think another 9-11 needs to happen For then that would just push them even further Yeah but I think then they'll be like Okay you say that that but you can just bring drugs on any airplane and nobody gives a fuck Yeah I know multiple people who've brought cocaine through customs never a problem

Everyone I know who accidentally brings it across is like fine Dude I don't people purposely accidentally I know somebody they got caught with mushrooms at the airport and they just threw them out Wow Yeah it's like they really do not fucking care if I like it's a bigger I mean if you have like a certain amount on you. Yeah, yeah. And it's packaged a certain way.

They'll be like, all right, you're like, this is. I wonder how they decide that, though, because the guy of the airport was like, that's not even that much, dude. I took fucking 10 grams one time. There's none of the place. Yeah, they take a look at you. If you look like shaggy from Scooby-Doo, they're like, okay, this is fine. Speaking of that, there's a white guy with dreadlocks in the gym just

dancing in the gym, like, dancing, like through the equipment and everything. And he was, like, just acting like it was his workout. Was he fit? Kind of. Yeah. He was fearless yet. Imagine, like, just a. sheet with a hole cut in it and that was like his shirt.

And he was just wearing it like that. He's just dancing around the... It's so funny when people act like drugs aren't so bad for you. I know people have just done so much. And I argued this for years. I was like, acid's not even bad for you. But it's tough to know too because maybe some people just do so much acid. Because other people seem to be fine and do a bunch of shit.

Yeah, I think there's like a threshold with acid that you hit where it just completely destroys your brain. It seems like it's acid specifically because it's like, I don't people do a lot of mushrooms and DMT and their, people that just do too much acid, there's something that happens where it's like... Yeah, something with the name, maybe. Acid? Yeah.

Mushrooms, too. Any, like, hallucinogenic drug. If you just do it all the time too much, like, it's just going to change the way your brain. But I think if you could separate, I think the problem is the people that think it's real, and they're like, oh, that's the reality, this is the fake reality. Versus if you can be like, this is just an experience of having on drugs. I think it seeps in, though, dude, because, like, DMT, when I did DMT,

like, I've believed in God ever since. Yeah, yeah. And, like, that's not going. it away. I can't stop believing in God, which sucks. Because now all my decisions have consequences. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, DMT.

I think I told you by my dad, my dad drove that Satanist around. No. Dude, my dad, just is a slightly related consequence. My dad picked up a hitchhiker one time when he's younger, and this guy was a luciferian, so not a Satanist. And he picks up the guy, he's like, oh, I'm a Satanist. He goes, what does that mean? He was like,

well, I believe in the devil. He's like, I was a Christian. there's one rule that if you break it, you're going to hell. And it says that in the Bible. I've broken it. So I'm going to fuck that. Wait, what's the rule? If you curse it God, like, you basically say like, fuck you God. Like, I remember one time I was, yeah, dude, you're fucked. No, I mean, you just said it. Yeah, but I don't, I don't think he, I don't, I don't think he, I believe in a God, for the most part, I'm agnostic, but I don't think he's up there like,

you better not say mean things to me. What if I call the God the N word? Does that count? Because that's post-biblical. I think it depends on what your opinion on that is. if you like black people, then it's not can send you to hell, but if you do. But that is wild that you could literally, like, cut a baby's head off or, like,

shoot a mom in the face. And that's for you, but, like, you can't say mean things to God. Like, it's fucking so stupid. But anyways, the guy said, oh, yeah, basically, he told my dad as he's driving, he goes, yeah, I already know I'm going to hell. So he's like, it's kind of freeing.

He's like, I feel like I have no consequences for any of my actions. He's like, my dad's just driving this guy, like, oh, God, that is. Yeah, but one of the actual actions that guy is, he's just doing drugs and being at a, selfish. Yeah, it's like, I eat fucking Pop-Tarts every morning, baby. God could suck my dick. Most people you meet that talk like that are like the lamest guys.

Oh, for sure. Yeah, most famous are not like, he's just putting butter on the other side of the breath. I'm on the highway to hell. Well, now. Yeah, like you ever just meet a guy at a bar who just really wants to talk about his beliefs? Yeah, yeah. That's shit like that. That's me.

I'm an annoying person. I know I am. I mean, like, after you do a set, you know, all that, like, after you do a set, and you're like, I had a good set. Then people want to talk to you. And there's always a guy who wants to talk to you that you're like, this guy just thinks we're friends now. He just, like, heard my voice for a while.

And he just wants to be like, oh, dude, I actually agree with that point because I'm like, I'm a loose variant. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, I had a guy because, like, I talk about, I have, I talk about, like, I talk about, like, having to wear stockings and stuff. And I had this guy come up to me after. And I was, like, smoking a cigarette. And he's like, smoking's actually fine for your lungs.

He's like, but what you should be doing is eating a lot of almonds. I was like, dude, I don't care. Like, I don't want to be here. Like, this is like, that's why I eat like shit. Like I don't, like, when people are like, oh, you should be like running and doing this, it's like, yeah, but I don't want to even do this. What's why? What's the, what's the, like, I would never kill myself. But, like, what's the reason to do it other than to like do it?

do this longer. Yeah. You know? Well, I think what happens is like right now you like, everybody's in that moat where I'm kind of in the same boat too.

I'm like, who cares if I fucking live to whatever? I'll take a thousand blue shoes and drink a million gallons. Yeah. And then you turn 60. And I'm like,

and the doctor's like, it's irreversible. You've taken a dangerous amount of blue shoes. Yeah. It's irreversible. Your dick will never be soft again. It's been really hard. No.

Oh, oh shit. Oh, no. Well, there are people. What is that thing? There is that thing. with a guy, the guy, like,

got struck by lightning and then he just was coming all the time. I don't know. Oh, yeah. The second I say something like that, I'm like, this can't be a real story.

I don't know if he was struck by lightning. I think he got in an accident where, like, it is a legitimate thing where it's like constant orgasm syndrome. Yeah. And like,

as he was saying by to his dad dying, he was just fucking busting. Like, he said it came like five times when his dad was dying in the hospital. Oh, God. It does just give you permission

to just be a pervert all of that. That should give you permission to curse out God. Yeah. But in his mind, he's like, God's probably, this is a really nice thing to do for somebody. He should make him jizz all the time.

Yeah, but dude, that's got to be torture. Yeah, I've always wished I could have like a longer, you know, women can have like the long one. Like, yeah.

It would be nice if like, like, like you met a woman, like out and you're like, I just like come so much from just seeing you all the time. Yeah, like you're so beautiful.

I just busted my pants all the time. Yeah. It's crazy the things we think women want to hear. that's insane hey I don't mean to bother you I know you have a lunch with your friend but when I look at you my pain

it's like I got out of a pool it's insane I'm peeing I'm wearing a diaper right now pretty cool wearing a type not because I'm a baby who can't help but shit himself

it's for cum it's for cum I'm wearing a cum diaper I call a cum diaper I call a cum diaper Mike because you're pretty is what I'm trying to say

thank you so much it's like the nicest thing any boy has ever said wow you walk away and her friends like I think the guy likes you dude we're joking

because we're watching love is blind and we were laughing if like there's like a guy in one side and a girl on the other side and the guy's like

oh you sound beautiful and the girl's like I'm a blonde I have huge tits and like the producers are like no no Don't. That's the one thing you can't do.

That's the whole point of the show. I'm a size A. I have. Thank you. I am pretty. Stop. Stop! Yeah, a lot of people tell me they love like my, my beautiful blonde hair, my blue eyes, my giant. They're like, shut up, shut the fuck.

They're supposed to love what's on the inside. Yeah, I'd love to know. You've never seen that show? Have you seen that show? No, what is it? They just, it's like the, okay, so there's, the two opposites, there's naked dating, which is like the opposite of that, right?

Where they just see their bodies, but not their face. And they're deaf. Yeah, apparently they just choose the hogs. That's like the complete opposite. No, no, no, no. But there's naked dating. There's also a UK show where it's like, they only see the body.

And everybody's... I thought you meant opposite in like the TV sphere. No, no, no, no. No, the opposite's like a Rosa Parks documentary. That would be the opposite of the head on PBS. That was so funny. I walked in and Patty's just watching a Rosa Parks documentary. I'm like, I think you're overcorrecting for a couple podcasts we've done recently.

Yeah. But I skipped to the back of the documentary. Wanted to know the truth. You're cheering on the bad guys. Yeah, love is blind. It's so interesting because it's like they just talk. They just go on dates and they can't see each other. And then like half of them fall in love with each other.

Yeah, this is different than the show where they like, there's that show also where there's the red button in the middle and they can cancel the date. and a lot of times it's like they feel the date and then they feel like the chick's fat and they do the thing. Oh really? Yeah, it's really bad. It's like,

yeah, you sound really cute. She's like, thank you. What are you into it? And it's like, and it's like an Asian guy. And she's like,

oh, I love anime. Like she doesn't even know, but obviously you guys like, like, fuck yeah, this is going to be all about. And then he hugs her

and then immediately hits the button. Oh, oh, they can't like, they just hug? Yeah, yeah, and they feel. Oh, my God. I at least saw one clip of that.

And it was, like. And she's like, my friends tell me I'm really funny. And he's like, oh, in what way? And she's like, well, I can do this like voice. And then she does like a British accent. She's like, oh, like sometimes I talk like this. I can't even do

an accent. And then the guy's like, oh, funny. It just sets the button. Brutal. Those are awesome. Yeah. I don't know if I could do that, dude. I couldn't say no to a woman on the spot. Really? Yeah. That's just, I wouldn't even want to

to that thing. I'd be like, this is mean. You didn't want to do his podcast. That's why I'll be shrouded to mystery forever. Yeah. We'll know who I am. No, we'll beep your name. Or I'm trying to think of the way we could do it because if we beep your name,

maybe I'll have a recording me saying mystery guest and we'll just put that in when I say your name. Yeah. Mystery guess. I also think we probably said his name 45 times now. My name's been said quite a few times. No, we're watching your identity. We're going to be fine.

What if people, but anyone probably. knows who you are on this podcast. Really? Yeah. Famous? Yeah, dude. And the goods... And this is your last episode. And people are... There can be complaints. This isn't your last episode. All right. If people sound

off in the comments, I'll come back. Okay. You know what to do. You know what to do. You know what to do, goodheads. It's just all of Michael Goods' burner accounts. Yo, bring back mystery guy. That episode, Michael, looking cute again. That girl was so wrong for friend zoning, Michael, on that day. No, right?

Man, bring mystery guests back. Also, Michael's so good at dating, dude. He's actually cleaner around the apartment than people say. I think all of his outfits are the cutest one. Ooh, sailor Mike. Yes, please. Dude, I might go on a date just wear a sailor outfit. It sounds like the funniest thing.

It's like the sleeves cut off. Is that stolen valor if you do that on Fleet Week? I literally do not give a fuck. On Fleet Week, it's got. be. But if you dress like a Popeye sailor. Yeah.

Because sometimes stolen valor guys, it's like, they're getting in trouble and I'm like, who believes that this guy's in the military? Yeah. Yeah.

You should dress up as a pirate. Yeah, be funny to arrest people on Halloween for stolen valor. Yeah, because it is, I mean, yeah,

it is such a funny thing where it's like, I do respect that people do the troops thing. But I also like, like, I was in a comedy show down to Florida,

this guy's like, there's something where I was making fun of something. And then I was like, yeah, no, I don't really care if I'm making fun of this. Like, I really do not. Like, you know what I mean?

Yeah. I respect you, but I also don't, that does me I can't make fun of you. For sure. It's a pretty cool, like, hobby. To make fun of the troops? No, no, no. Funny hobby. Like, there are guys that they go to the mall dress like that to just like, not even, like, get discounts.

Just so people walk up to them, they're like, thank you for your service. And they're like, oh, cool. That's their thought it was their whole day. They went to the mall. What if I do that with blue shoes and just get hard. shouldn't have people have to thank me for my service while I'm boned up. Anything's just better with bleachers. But, yeah, no, I think that's a thing, too, where it's like,

yo, I do, like, I do respect people going to the military 100%, but I still, like, I'm going to make fun of everything. You know what I mean? It's like one of the things. Yeah. That's not now something I don't make fun of. Yeah, it's pretty, I think it's pretty stupid to go to the military. Yeah, I think.

You know what? So, hey, fucking idiot. Yeah. Well, it is a complicated thing because it was like, I've talked a lot of people have gone to war and immediately, they're like, that was stupid. So am I now supposed to be like, actually, it was smart? If you think it's stupid, I know. The only people that have told me it's a good idea to join the military are people who are actively trying to recruit me into the military.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even everyone else I know who's in the military is like, don't do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do it. Don't tell your kids to do it. Just don't. Yeah, well, and I think it's a nuanced thing. Like, I think it depends on what war is going on. Like, I get that if you saw the towers get hit 9-11, you're like, oh, fuck yeah, I'll go over. there and fucking start, you know, shooting eight children.

But, no, no, but I get why you see that. Be like, okay, I wanted to protect this country. Or like the Iran thing I was freaking about the other day. And I've talked to enough people about it. That's not a big deal, I guess. I never, I didn't even hear about it. I never get hyped about news. I saw one Facebook guy where this guy's like, this is a big deal.

If you guys didn't notice what happened yesterday, I'm going to fill you in. And he's like, so basically it was Buffalo Bill from a, whatever. He's sucking his penis while he's talking. Yeah. So basically what happened? What happened is, is the big pretty girl. No,

it was like, he's like, it was just some guy in Congress who was like, it was like a guy in Iran, he's like, the U.S. should be scared.

We will kill you. What happened was Iran wants us to put lotion all over ourselves. And no one's doing it, you guys. Iran says we're going to attack. You send me naked pictures

of your fattest cousin. Oh, skin her alone. Yeah. Anyways. here's something I was thinking about. There we get. There we fucking go. That's not a good sign when the host of the show is like,

that's every news from Ben. Well, my head, what happens is the second I shit on something like the troops, I'm just like, but I know some of you guys are really brave and I appreciate what you're doing. I get that little my, like, the older I get the, I have way more reverence for those guys when I meet them in part of like, like, just they're like back in the States. Yeah, yeah.

I like talk to him. I'm like, man, that's fucking great. Because when I was a kid, I was like, yeah, you know, some people do that, whatever. I just, like, didn't even, couldn't really, didn't have the perspective, I guess, to understand how big of a deal that was. Well, was you taking a giant risk. You're like, I'm going to risk my life to protect people. Oh, yeah.

But that's not always what's happening, obviously. Yeah. Yeah. Well, this was the thing I was thinking of the other day, because, like, we live in a very Hasidic neighborhood. Yeah, we do. A lot of Hasidic Jews. And, like, I don't know.

If I were a race of people, people who was genocided upon and who spent years, like, trying to hide the fact that I'm Jewish. And then I finally escaped that. I probably wouldn't, like, choose an outfit that clearly identifies that I'm Jewish, you know? Right. I'd maybe try to, like, blend in a little bit more. Just for, like... It's impossible. I've never seen a person gone, wow, you're Jewish once in my life. But, like... Every single time I go, yeah. I know you're Jewish.

I don't know. It's like, it's, it's almost like they're putting a target on them. Well, right on top of their head. I think it's same thing with gay pride. We live in a community that's like mostly them. They're like, this is like them and their community. Yeah, I guess so. Do you know about an impending race war that we don't know about?

What the hell is what you're trying to say? No, I'm just, I'm looking out for their safety. No, right, right, right, right. But I'm saying, like, I don't think anything's good. I'm saying if you saw a bunch of like Hasidic people, shaving on like skateboards, you wouldn't probably

even know they were Jewish. Right. But I think the whole, the whole point is, and it's like we're Jewish and we're proud. Yeah. It's like SpongeBob,

we're ugly and I'm ugly and I'm proud. Yes. I don't know if I would side by side, there's two things. Every time I walk by that like factory thing.

The one that's making all the Jews. There's a, there's a factory that were like a bunch of Hasidic guys work. They're always like outside smoking

cigarettes and stuff. and like running out in and out of this one door. Do you think a Jewish factory is called a Matter of Factory? All right. I got one joke in. I was fucking that. That was funny. But I want to like stand out there and ask someone who has lived around here longer.

I'm like, do you want to do the pod? What are they up to in there? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But not in like any kind of, there's no conspiracy. I'm not, they have no hatred towards them. I just want to be like, what are they? the Jews up to. Well, didn't we?

They're up to something. Yeah. That'd be very funny. What are they doing? But you can't ask that. I'm here to find out what the Jews are up to. Just like a little new tanker. What are you guys?

It's like a what's up? Not like a what are you up to? You know, it's like what are you up to lately? None of those guys want to talk to me. It's a very insular community. Yeah. When I walk by,

they're all kind of like. Do you think we could get one on the pot? I just wanted to know what's just. I think we did on news from bed. Yeah. We might be able to last. one a half. Oh, I'll take my shoes off. Doesn't seem like an issue? I can

do I leave my whatever else I wear that's jangling off my wife? You know when like around Hanukkah, when they'll be like selling minoras like walking around like the village. Yeah, they ask, are you Jewish? I think it's just they give you a menorah. Yeah,

Jewish, whatever. One time I was like outside of the pear was barking and this guy walked up and he's like, excuse me, are you Jewish? And I was like, no. And then he looked behind me and he goes, what's in there? And I was like, oh, that's a comedy club. And he's like, are there any Jews in there?

Like most definitely. No, and I was like, I was like, maybe you can go ask. And he was like, oh, I get it. Comedy Club full of Jews. And I was like, you asked me all those questions. Yeah. Don't put words in my mouth. Yeah.

I just don't want you to talk to me anymore. Yeah, that's so funny. Yeah, he filled the things all you said you're like, maybe he's like oh so we all just work in entertainment. I've heard people tell so many stories about like someone baited them into saying something racist and every time I'm like well that's

not what happened. You said something racist and you feel weird about it. Yeah, yeah. And that was the old I was like, that was insane. What just happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just gave this guy like one word like, I don't know answers and then he was like, oh, so you hate me? Yeah. Oh, I don't even

know you, guy. It is so funny too, how much they miss fire with the are you Jewish thing. like I'll look at like basically like a Chinese guy. They're like, are you Jewish? Like, how do you? Come on, dude, he's definitely not Jewish. What do you, how do you guys not see that? Like, you look very different than us.

Yeah. Wait, so this is the place that you're calling the factory. Is that the place we walked by and had like just a ton of firewood outside? Yeah. They like, when you look inside, there's like a conveyor belt with boxes on it and they have firewood. They come, I don't like know what they're making. They like they make something.

Yeah. I don't know if it's like food or just, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know what they're making or who they're eradicating. But there's no signage that it's in English. I see a conveyor belt and firewood. I mean, it's like, I just like, well, I just from pure, like, interest, I'm like, what is this? I'm just curious. Yeah.

What are the, what is being made here? Yeah, yeah. But there's no, I can't think of a way to ask that doesn't sound like I'm like, what do you do it? Yeah, yeah. I just want to know. Yeah, what's going on over here? I'm just curious. Yeah, what is happening?

I heard one say Poppy on the phone the other day. I didn't know they were all like that. That's kind of sick. Is it Poppy? He's like, what's up, Poppy? How you, and I was like, oh, oh, shit. You know how, like, I don't know what, like, Arabic.

You ever hear people speak Arabic? It sounds like you're, like, shouting. It's like really quick-paced language. So there's a, where I work, there's a cat now in the workplace, and all the guys I work with speak Arabic. and so sometimes they'll get mad at the cat and start screaming about it to each other. Yeah.

And I swear to God, every time it's about the cat, you hear them, they're like, do, do, do, do, do, do. They say cat in the hat every time. That is awesome. It makes me laugh so hard. And I try to explain, I showed them Dr. Seuss and stuff.

I'm like, this is why I'm laughing. Yeah, yeah. They're like, I'm not saying cat in hat. I'm like, you, but dude. You are. I got to record you's talking. You're definitely saying the cat. I also like the idea of the cat.

understand cats in reference to cat. They only think they only know they speak through Dr. Seuss. You're like, that'll be $25. What do you grinch who stole Christmas? What are you throwing the lorax on me all the sudden? Oh, green eggs and ham. This is the worst day ever since the great

butter battle book. That's all the doctors these references I have. Oh, my God. Yeah. Well, I think that Jews speak, his, he don't speak Hebrew. They speak Parseltong.

Hasashah. He's speaking like Yiddish. Yeah, yeah, but it's not Hebrew. Apparently, it's, like, disrespectful to speak Hebrew, unless you're in, like, a temple or something. Oh. Yes, it's not. I thought it was Hebrew, but it's Yiddish.

And it's like, if you speak Hebrew, unless you're a rabbi, or I think the only time you speak Hebrew is in your like bar mitzvah I guess that's also yeah it's like I could be totally wrong but people

speak like Dutch they speak like their own kind of Dutch yeah yeah it's the same idea and like this like the Hasidic communities in Brooklyn

have existed for so long that they must like it must be like a really specific dialect they're probably got some slang in there but like if you if they go to a place where like a country

where people speak Yiddish I don't even know where that would be yeah But it's probably a very different kind of Yiddish. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of interesting. Yeah. It's like when Spanish people, like, you'll talk to them about Spanish.

Like, that's not Spanish. Yeah, there's like multiple dialects. I always wanted to learn the Yiddish words just because they're fun. Yeah, yeah. They're like really fun, just adjective substitutes or like verb substitutes like Schlep and Schwarz. That's great. Schmuck. Schmuck.

It's so funny. Yeah. What is it called? I had a Jewish family friend come see me to sit. He takes a lot of. Putzka or something. It means like bravery. What?

That's what's Yeah, I mean he's like bravery. For a goy like you. Hutzpah. Hutzpah has permeated the English language. Yeah. A lot of people say Hutzpah.

Really? Not in my circles. I'm just hanging out with fat bitches and people that don't want to go on dates with me. I just hang out with fat bitches and wiggers, bro. We go together like green eggs and ham, bro.

I don't think I hang out with any white dudes that think they're black. I want more of them. Snar group, though. You've heard me say it. You've heard me say it when I zip my weiner into my pants. What was, yeah, no. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've had family friends. I was telling him about this. You ever have family friends come out to shows, and it's a really stressful thing? Every time there's been someone I know in an audience, it really upsets me. Yeah, dude. Because I have specifically told

it, like anyone I know who's been like, oh, I should come see a show. No. Actually, no. I'm a racist comedian. Tell them to the crazy. I don't do that. It's not like I'm trying to get out of jury duty. I just say the N word.

I'm like, whoa. I just want to see a show, man. Jesus Christ. He just keeps saying until they like back away. What are you? One of those beeps. No, I just, I was doing a show in Charleston once. and someone shut up, they're like,

oh, your brother told us, you're doing a show here. My brother, like, works remote. Yeah. And I was like, my brother in New York, and they were like, yeah, you know, we're all, like, all over the countries who told us you're doing shows, thought you come down.

And I was like, okay. They were like, my brother was like, yeah, those people told me you weren't, like, excited to see him. I was like, yeah, it wasn't. Why would you tell them to come to the show? Yeah, no, it's the same thing. It's like, they don't understand.

You're like, you're the last person I want to see right now. And I like, I like the, so like, I like the people that come out. Like, I like you as a person. It's just like, this is like, basically, like, if I worked to a strip club and you walked up, I'm like, I'm glad you're here to support me, but it makes me a little uncomfortable. You got to, like, strike some fear into their eyes a little bit. Like, you have to say something crazy. Yeah, my brother's like, you have to go in there next time.

Like, your mom has a friend that wants through the show and you see the most fucking wild shit. Because they're family. So they're going to love you no matter what. You want them to love you, but you don't want them to love your comedy. Yeah. Like that's a totally fine bargain. I am proud of myself because not the first time I had, but the next time I happened,

I was pretty weird. Like I did that thing where I'd just do a straight face and I do squats on stage for a minute and then I talk about how much pussy I get because I think that's just like objectively funny to like just do squats and be like, I get so much more pussy than everything's building. I had one new guy in the front row.

And I'm like, how much pussy do some math for me? How much pussy you get times? I bet by like a thousand. That's like how much fucking pussy I get. I just like objectively, it bombed completely. But I was like, I think this is funny.

I also, I think my sense of humor around comics is different than it is around like the people I grew up with. I'll just like slightly. Like when I'm doing stand-up, like comics would like think I was funny. Yeah. Tell me like, oh, you're like, you're good joke writer and they like like like my sets. And then my friends would come, I'd be like, do you guys think that was good? And they're like, I mean, you're a funny guy. Yeah.

None of my friends. They like don't get it. Yeah. Every time I tell them a joke, they don't under. They just like, they're like, that's. not that's not you. And I'm like, well, yeah, like, you've heard, the things that make you laugh are, like, insane. I can't say that shit.

But I think there is a way to, like, blend it. Because I'm dealing with that thing, too, where, like, I'm, I was too tethered to, like, I got to do this act. And then I was like, oh, I think it's funny to just go up there now on stage and be like, you have a thought on your balls and just start doing that for three minutes. Sure, yeah. That's what I thought. That's what I think is funny with my friends.

And so I'm like, I think there's a way to combine both where I could sort of, like, do something weird at the beginning and then get into my act. Because it is just kind of annoying to be like, do you guys like Batman? Like, I fucking hate you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, I'm not, I wouldn't just like only do straight jokes and then whatever.

I just like the way I would be funny with my friends. I'm like, this is because we've known each other since we were kids. Yeah, the shit. Introduce yourself to. Yeah, we're just like doing farting and making faces at each other.

Half of like the humor with friends is just like seeing someone being like, who is that? Kelsey Falcons or like just named someone from like high school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, oh, it's like, yeah, that's only going to work right here. Yeah, I like lit my testicles on fire one time and farted baby powder. What am I just going to do that on stage? Yeah, what are you, Steve-O?

Yeah. I'm going to set my balls on fire and fart out Johnny Knoxville. He's been in my ass the whole tour. Just putting a nail gun to his head. He's like, thank God I'm not smoking pot anymore. This seems a little more dangerous than the truck use. I'm going to ride a motorcycle off at cliff, but thank God I'm not drinking beer today. Coffee is too much of a stimulant.

Anyway, has anyone seen the razor blade? I shove up my aunts. Trying to get fucking high, bro. Well, that's, we're at a fucking hour. Oh, I got pee, baby. Thank you, mystery, for coming on. Yeah, mystery. I'm not flush, so I can get a sniff of that.

Thanks for having me, Michael. Dude, of course. It's good to have fam. fam thank you uh what do you want to promote news from bed news from bed that's it all right and thank you bye