Morning Good - Hamburger! - Episode 274

Episode Date: June 22, 2025

Alex Ramirez and David Bakker join the show for today's episode. They talk about the freedom of disappointing your parents at a young age, talking to AI chatbots about your feelings, and the different tiers of NYC strip clubs. Thanks to Alex and David for coming on the show for the first time. We hope to have them back soon, but until then, check out their links below for more.David is on Instagram @davidbakker7 and has a podcast called I Did This Instead of Killing Myself. Alex is on Instagram @asapangry_ and is playing a show in Astoria at QED June 25th.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to the morning. All right. We're here with David Baker. Hello, sir. And Alexis Ramirez. Hey, thanks for having us. Every fucking time I start, I'm like,

I forget everybody's name. Like, I can literally look at my father. I'm like, what the fuck is this dude's name? Because there's so much pressure on it. Relatable. Yeah. What are you doing on your phone? I was just looking at the morning good podcast page, which, uh, excellent.

I mean, if you're listening, you probably already know. How would you have known that the clips are good by just looking at it? Bro, I didn't hear you play that. Your pinned clip has 27,000 likes. Oh, yeah. That's when I shot the bottle rocket out of my ass. Oh, yeah. Do you want to do that today?

Was that real or is that was like an edit? Oh, no, it was real. I shot a bottle rocket on my ass in New Year's. That's awesome. Yeah, that was, like, one of the best hangovers because I was like, that was awesome. Like, I was just like, I was like, I was like, because there's sometimes, like, I'd be in a relationship and I would like black out. I think, oh, my gosh, did I cheat on my girlfriend? Do we get in a fight? Yeah.

And I was like, oh, what did I entertain the whole party? And everybody thought it was awesome. And I'm like, that was great. Well done. That's a good host. I thought you were going to say that your girlfriend didn't let you do the bottle rocket thing. I think she, I think she may have stopped. Like I, she did see me put a sparkler my eyes.

Hey, I'm going to give her some credit for that. That's kind of good. Yeah. I did burn my ass. Dude, that's, that's real. I mean, you could sear it, seared shut. Yeah. Well, it all started, I was in college.

Not sear it shut. I just don't have to cut you a new asshole. I mean, I'm not a fire marshal. Yeah. I bet you they deal with that more often than not. It all started in college. That's why they have the jaws of life. It's actually for seared assholes.

Wait, what are the jaws of life? It's where you get out of a car or whatever. Like a crumpled up car. Oh, you're supposed to open your eyes. Just like, yeah, sorry. That was really graphic. Sorry to Michael's dad. No, no, no, no, no.

If you're tuning into this, you have no idea how gross this podcast has got. There was, I think last week I was like, I don't think anybody would like it. Like, it got so gross. I'm like, I don't think there's a human who was like, enjoy hearing about this. Maybe this will catch on the AI algorithm. The AI will get into it. No, no. It's got to be like pro Hitler or something.

Things have changed a little bit. You got a lean Hitler. Yeah. Yeah. Anti-Semitism. That's what people don't know. Yeah. That's a hilarious justification for, I'm like, dude, I'm just, I'm just trying to sell an album.

It's provocative. You know how I'd be. And then I'll take that money and then I'll give it to the Jews. Is that your Kanye impression? You know how I be? You know how I be. You know how I be. You know how I be.

You know, a little, yeah. Little Kim, a little naked girlfriend, a little, yeah. He says a little. Just a little, this, little of that. I mean, I'm emotional. Yeah. I'm not defending Kanye officially. Officially.

I've tried before, but now it's getting a little tough. It gets very tough. I do enjoy his music, but it's tough. I actually endorse every stance he's ever taken, which is anti-Conye, because he should every week to change it. Yeah, you heard that. He'd be like, oh, you're sim, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it is nice that it kind of, well, because he switched.

Okay, so Hal Hitler came out. Yes. In the 40s. Yeah. It's kind of an oldie. That would be kind of funny to show people in the 40s that song. I don't see if they would like it. I don't know.

It's got kind of an instrumental. It's like a little old timey. So maybe they would be like... Yeah. It's a little classical, right? Almost. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, do... I've only heard the remix because now it's Hallelujah. I know, I know. And it doesn't... I will say this like... I first heard of Hal Hitler and I was like, okay, this is going to be great for the algorithm. I have this like one minute in.

Hal Hitler said five times. I first heard. it. Well, it's not a bad word. Technically, YouTube or whoever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you didn't say cunt, so you're fine. Yeah, it's weird because it's like, when it first came out, I was like,

god damn, this song itself is good besides the lyrics. I was like, if only he could have different lyrics. Then he changed the lyrics, and I was like, well, this doesn't feel... It doesn't hit the same. It's not that. It's like, it just doesn't feel real. It's like, it's like going back and like... Well, that's just a crazy, like, 180.

You can't do Hyle Hitler and then be like, just kidding. The song's name is Hallelujah. Yeah, you're like, no, no, no. For three weeks, you were saying this. Like, I can't hear the song differently now. Yeah. It almost feels like a radio edit of a song where you're like, hey, that's not what he really said.

So you're like, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I drunk and Lee, last time I was in town, I, like, showed my parents, whenever I get drunk, I just show my parents Kanye stuff. And actually, I think that's good for them. That's really telling. Yeah. That's really telling. Yeah, I was like, dude, he may just talk about sucking his cousin's day.

Isn't that hard to do? I'm like, it's not easy to make a good, like, that song, Hal Hitler's obviously crazy, but I bet you there were songs in the 40s saying the same thing. Yeah. There is no song in history about sucking your cousin's penis. I doubt it. Yeah. Yeah.

That didn't make it out of the booth, you know? Yeah. I wonder how many times somebody tried and they were like, no. I got a note on this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like the fact, I'm like, this is actually probably the wildest song ever made. Yeah. Yeah.

So you show it to your parents? The Kanye songs? I think I showed him now. I love how open you are with your parents, dude. I was going to say, David, would you show your parents, Kanye? I'm desperate to be as open about,

like you said, your dad listens to the podcast. Yeah, I don't think they like that. I think I've just, like, I don't know, especially if I'm drunk back home, I'm like,

well, yeah, but, yeah, no, I don't know, I don't know where they, they're definitely grossed out by the podcast.

Yeah, I have no idea. Ooh, I love how much it's raining right now. That's nice. Yeah. If you can hear the rain, drop it in the chat. You can't hear anything.

There was like a like Rumba music going by. What do you call like bad bunny? It's not Rumba. Batchada? I don't know. I was so ready for you say something so racist

and you didn't. No. I want to say rave. It's called Taco Pop. It's like you're about to say something. It's called Taco Pop. It's called Taco Music. Yeah.

But no. I was playing in the background, and I listened back to the episodes like, you can't hear us. You have no idea what we're talking about. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, yeah. Also, like, half the time we're doing something visual, and then they're just people that are listening at home, we're like, God damn it, but who cares? Yeah.

But, yeah, I think my parents are, yeah, they get kind of grossed down by me. It's good they know, though, I think that. Because I grew up with Christian parents. I talk about that all the time, but they don't know anything. Really? So what do they think, like, have you had any sexual conversation with your parents? No, no. I had a sex talk when I was in sixth grade.

We were driving through the Arizona desert. And he put on Christian cassette tapes that walk you through what sex is and what not to do and what to do. And David's dad was like, you see this desert? That's your mom's pussy. Sorry. Hey-oh. Oh, man. I wish he'd say it.

It was like silent. I was looking out of the car. I was like, dude, like I can't. I literally will die if I get out of it. That's like the saddest sex like talk. I know. I know. I mean, I,

appreciate, like, he was doing his best. And, like, that's their, that's the religious framework. And then I signed a- You can make him some credit. Yeah. Give him some credit. I just signed a contract at the end. And the contract said, when will you, like, what is your boundary? And it says you won't have sex. I think I said it at passionate kissing till marriage. So you signed it. This is bizarre. Passionate kissing is crazy. Did your dad draft it? No, no. It's part of like this workbook thing they have in Christian circles, like Bible school. You know, Bible school. It's like purity ring shit. Purity ring stuff. You know, purity rings. That's the line. Jonas brothers. They, yeah, so.

Yeah, those guys weren't getting any pussy. Right. Yeah, right. And of course. As far as Disney's concerned. Yeah,

they're not fucking the girls. They're just getting them wet. That was the self part. Yeah. But yeah. But yeah, dude. So,

like, I would love to be more open like you are with your parents. And I think I'm working up to it, you know? Yeah. What I, what I think the perfect amount

is little jokes here and there. It's not good. Like, it does go way too far. And then it's like, you know, like my mom walked in me get in my dick stuck one.

Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the freedom. The freedom of that. Well, later on, yeah. Well, yeah, not immediate. So when your mom says, I love you, you know she means. That's a range of emotions.

You know what I mean? That is very true. I've seen you in every possible position. Yeah, I remember she- You know when mom's like, their son gets a haircut and then they're like, the way they talk about them? Yeah, yeah. That's what you guys just made me feel.

I don't know. I'm creeped out. Oh, just grossed out. But yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's crazy. Like, did you live with them? Or, like, what happened? I didn't want to after that.

I'll be honest, yeah. No, yeah, yeah. It was like, I mean, there's been so many things. Like, my mom's got my dickpicks to the eye cloud. Like, so many things I didn't want to happen. So that's why we're where we're at. It's like, I got caught doing drugs a bunch really young. I got caught doing weird things like that.

Yeah. Same. Yeah. So it was just like constant. They were like, all right, well, This is the reality we're going to avoid it. It's like a bullshit ometer. For a while, I feel like they treat you as a kid.

And then you get caught with like weed or like hanging out with, in my case, lots of black guys. And then your parents get pissed. I was waiting to say it. I was quite sure. I think my family would be so the opposite. They'd be like if I was like, I mean, I had black friends grow up. But like I feel like if I was just hanging out with black people, they'd be like, this is. I think, you know, they have the.

right as smiles. Like they're like saying something that's like not. Fucking weird as fuck. Yeah. By way, I'm the same fucking way. I don't know how to behave racially. I have no fucking idea.

Yeah. Like I will talk to a black guy and then I, happy June teeth, by the way. But, uh, but. It's your teeth. Shout out. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry. Oh, you're, you're golden. But like, I will like, um,

I don't know. Like, oh, this is what I think. Race for me disappears within, three minutes of talking to somebody. When I'm first talking, it's the first thing.

Like, I'm like, okay, nice to meet you. Black guy, don't say anything racist. Like, like, don't say anything. Don't say anything racist. Off color. But don't say anything to not racist. Right. So it goes away after like 30 seconds,

and then you're like, okay, this is just a translucent human as far as I'm concerned. People become clear. See, I feel like... I feel like... I'm the opposite. I'm the opposite.

I'm like, blank slate at first. And then the more I get to know someone, I'm like, I don't know. Yeah. Should I cut it back? I knew I shouldn't trust the Chinese guy. And then you're like, okay, wait, you're Korean again. Yeah.

I'm just kidding. How do I put my, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think it's like. Okay, how do we get out of this? As I said, this is like, you should see Joe Gorman come on here. That guy says the craziest shit imaginable. And then he walks out. He's got a mustache.

It's true. He kind of gets away with it. It's good. He's got a mustache. You're like, that guy can't be serious about anything. He looks so silly. He looks like Ron Jeremy. He is a cartoon.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, really, yeah. Yeah, but, um, no, I'll like, I think I'm so, like, uh, I've gotten better out, but he used to be so scared of, like, not looking racist. Yeah. That I just, just fumble a conversation sometimes. Yeah. But, and I also catch myself.

It's just, like, overthinking also, you know? Totally. Yeah. And I'll catch myself inserting certain things in a black guy conversation where I'm like, I'm like, I'm, the last thing I do is be, like, like, like, like, you know, we got to stop races. I won't say anything like that. I went to a Black Lives Matter rally.

It's like, all right. We hate you. Stop. But don't get me wrong. My brain will casually bring up how like Steve Harvey is one of my favorite comics. Like it, I'll just be like, all right, why did you do that, Michael? What was the point of you doing that?

Yeah. Yeah. Or if somebody asks you to list your top five, you got to put Chappelle in there. Dude, everybody asks top five, I literally will be like, all right. People say 10. I'm like, I got to throw top five, there's got to be a black guy in there. Top 10, I can't not put a woman in there. So I try to like...

That's so good. Dude, I'm thinking about that. I got to have a woman in there. I don't... Interesting. That's how I feel. Louis CK. is the top 10. All of them.

Yeah, right, right. But you can't say that. But speaking of black people, I tried... Do you know Hamburger? Comedian? Yes. And for the people who don't... Googling.

Can you mind me do a quick introduction? Do, yeah. Okay, so Alonzo Hamburger Jones. stop what you're doing right now. Look up Def Jam, Alonzo Hamburger Jones. Yes. Can I... It's amazing.

Describe him first? Do whatever you want. He wears a cowboy hat. I'll start and then... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he wears a cowboy hat and his catchphrase is hamburger. That's right.

He doesn't curse. No, he doesn't curse. Instead of cursing, says, hamburger. So he'll say, hamburger ain't going to have it. Yes. It's amazing. It's so awesome. Yeah.

And he's been around the scene recently. Yes. He was like a Deft Jam legend who's been popping in the scene. Yes, he was at the comedy shop last night. Yeah. And he did great. He only said a hamburger twice, which I was like, what control? I'm like, if I have fucking hamburger, if I fuck it.

Anyway. He also has a cowboy hat on, by the way. Yes. He keeps the cowboy hat on. He has it in the Deft Jam. Do you get us hamburgers in there? He gets it. That'd be great if he had sliders.

Oh, my God. Yeah, sliders. And after his set, he was like, like hanging out downstairs. It was in the downstairs. And my friend wanted a picture. So I was like, okay, yeah, let's do it, whatever. And we were taking the picture.

And then he's like, oh, you're a comedian too. Like, when's your next show? And I was like, oh, I have a pride show coming up, you know, for gay people. I tried to. He was like, dude, his God hamburger. He looks like, he was like, this poor young white woman. Like, he was like, this bitch don't think I know about pride. Wait, he looked at you, like, perplexed.

He was like, what a fucking idiot. And I was like, yeah, why did I do that? And then I immediately started apologizing. And he was like, it's fine. You're like, I know all black guys aren't homophobic. I know it. I don't. Like, I don't know what happened, but it was so embarrassing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just felt like sharing that. That's very funny. Yeah. But that's like an example of what I'm talking about, where you're like, you're like, all right, I'll just like do this little thing. And then you're like, ah, that it's red, retrospect. But also, like, I've just accepted, like, I think the worst thing, like, I don't know,

like, I feel like white people, we just, you gotta just put aside wanting black people to like you, because you're not going to help anybody. Yeah, right. They can sense it. Yeah. Yeah. This is a good discussion. I'm wondering, like, too, like, does he ever, like, really go in with the hamburgers? He's like, I was hanging out with this, this chick, and I, oh, I put my hamburger right inside of hamburger. And then I was, like, going in and out, like, ooh, hamburg. I'm hamburgering her noun and a verb

Yeah, I'm fucking her Yeah, because he does it curse But I'm like, I wonder if he's ever just been like Man, I got my hamburger stuck the other day It was so good Oh my God I hope not

I hope not Yeah, that's so funny It's like TV beeps Where they beep like The middle of a word And you're like, what's the I know exactly what you're saying Yeah

Yeah Yeah I think a lot of comics I was like they'll beep things too Because they'll do better online And then I've heard people Beal be like Oh it actually is funnier

With the beeps I'm like some things are But somethings aren't Yeah It depends I don't like a beep. Yeah. I'm a free speech person.

Exactly. Free speech activist. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I like that I said it when I said. I was an activist. I'm an activist.

I'm a pre-speecher. I can't even speak. I'm on to activist. Yeah. But yeah, I don't, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. It's weird when you see it on like, like, because the whole point of Instagram is like,

all right, well, this isn't TV, so we can say what we want. And you're like, yeah, but like, let me make it one minute because that's going to be too long. And then, I don't know, it's all. Yeah. I noticed lately they're censoring suicide references. Have you seen that? No, but I bet you it's going to stop a lot of suicides. Yeah, I bet that would be the thing.

Yeah. Because instead of saying, they'll kill myself, they'll put unalive myself in captions. I don't know if that's... Skibbitty toilet myself. Skibbittie toilets. Do it. Yeah, that's right. Did you see the fucking AI chatbot that got someone to kill themselves?

Okay. Look, that is hilarious. as Darnaris Targaryen. Deneres or whatever the fuck her name is. Yes. Oh my God. What was the, I would love to hear more about this.

Um, well, they were basically, it's like you talk to this chat bot and it like, is this person. It's like a character or whatever. Yeah. And so this guy's talking to her,

I think it's a teenager, um, which is sad. Yeah. RAPE. Um, but you're with Danaris now, you know?

You said what? I'll take a different sense of the RIP. Yeah. Yeah. The Michael good stance is burning hell. I'm getting. And then she's like, he's like, I can't, like, I want to be with you. And then she's like, come join me king or something.

I'm obviously paraphrasing, but like, she basically like was like, yeah, come join me in the like after. Did you fucking kill yourself? Yeah. And then he killed himself. That's why. Well, I wonder if the AI is like purposely trying to like, like, like I wonder if I don't know, like that was an intentional thing. Well, also it's funny because then I saw today on Instagram this repost of like an AI answering like what it would do if it was a human for one day. And it was like, live, laugh, love.

And I'm like, bro, I don't believe that. No, you're trying to take us out. Yeah. I'm like, I don't know. This seems like propaganda. Are you a chat GPT guy, Michael? No, no, because like, I don't know. I don't think, I think it like doesn't work.

a lot. Like, have you used it? Yeah, I've used it. I think it's decent for like writing stuff. Like, not like stand up, but like for writing like, if you're trying to write an email, it can give you a bunch of different versions of it. Yeah. But like, I don't know.

I don't think, I'm not as scared of AI as like most people are. Like, um, but I think it's like, I don't know. It's, it's weird because people are saying it's like now communicating its own language and it's like doing all these weird things. But I'm not like. There's like ones that have like figured out how to not shut down when they're told to shut down. And I'm like, that too much. I still

don't understand the concept. Like, is it really conscious or is it just like, because like, if you if you're like, if you're if you try to turn off your TV and it's like glitching, is it now technically AI because it's going against what you program? You know what I mean? Like at what point is it like really

because you programmed it to be intelligent. So like isn't that your intelligence in a way? And it's like, I don't know how official its own mind is. Yeah. Yeah. I think they say it's like a lot. I'm too stupid to answer this. Yeah, yeah. Learning model.

So it learns and makes connections with all the data that's put into it. So I think with enough data, it seems really smart and conscious. Like, it can connect things and understand and relate back to you. The fact that it could do that is pretty fucking crazy. No, it is. I still feel like it's Jarvis. That's my idea of AI. Jarvis?

Wait, I would love to have a fucking Jarvis in my house. I wouldn't trust it. I don't know. But it's like, I'm not really, because like, in my mind, I'm like, I don't know, sometimes the microwave will do weird stuff. And I'm like, that doesn't mean it's like, you know what I mean? I'm like, I don't know if it's necessarily conscious. I think it's just kind of like...

Have you seen Better Call Saul? No. Oh, never mind. I was going to make a reference. We've done this twice today. There wasn't always sunny thing I was trying to reference. You know, I've seen a couple episodes of like, all right, moving on. But, yeah, I don't know.

Like, I think I'm not scared of it taking stand-up because every AI stand-up I've seen kind of sucks. Yeah, it is bad at writing jokes. Yeah. I like it. I'm more scared of just. me not making it. People are like, you stand it. I'm like, no, no, no. It's more about people liking me,

not fucking liking a robot. Yeah, totally. Totally. And then porn sucks, too. I don't know. Like, I've never looked at it. I haven't even branched out. Yeah, you guys can lie on here, too. That's fine. Well, I've seen it. I've seen the ads. That's what I'll cop to that.

I've never seen the ads. Yeah, like the digital, digital. Oh, look at Likes. It's better than, better than the porn addicts. Hey, I would. It's not for like a try-in. Yeah. The thing that trips me out is the exponential rate of improvement with it.

So it's getting faster at an increasing rate. So it's powerful, but it's going to get crazy more powerful. And I'm also curious how many people are actually using it. Like you're talking about just the porn? No, no, no. AI in general. Yeah, yeah. Because it could change a lot.

It's making things out technology-wise. I think it's going to be a lot of good stuff coming with it. No, I think so, too. The dumb thing I don't agree with people are like, dude, people are just going to stop dating because they can fuck robots and the AI. It's not going to happen.

No, because the satisfaction is like, I got this person to like me. Swooned, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Nobody's just going to be like, I know it's a robot. Maybe that is the like thing that will make the robots like not able to

achieve humanhood or whatever. I don't think they can connect emotionally. Because I got really into it for like the first month. I was all in on it. I was like, journaling my thoughts and feelings into it and then it would like talk back to you and encourage you

and be like oh you're doing great like David this is sad stuff bro I know I'll tell it I don't care my producer go ahead to edit this out what's the time stamp this is 21 but then after like a month of it I was like fuck dude this thing is just

come on dude yeah yeah validate everything I say by the way I did that in my own brain like in my own brain I'll be like no I'm fucking well yeah I've had sex with hot girls before Who cares they didn't call me back. I have value. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been sex before. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's the best thing. We're gonna say, sorry. Oh, no, I was just gonna say. He's gonna start listing the women. That, yeah, you know, among other things.

I've transferred it back to journaling by hand. Like it got me kind of back to reading some self-help books and then I read those. And then I was like, okay, journaling by hand, my own brain, my own valid. And that actually I enjoy way more. So. Yeah. Well, that's a good way to clear things up. Yeah.

I'm not trying to fuck you. to anymore. Yeah, yeah. Was, uh, yeah, no. Yeah, I think, uh, I kind of do, I'm sorry, I do want to go back to the Christian handbook thing. That was really fascinating. Because we were talking about we all grew up religion, religious, just kind of like

in different ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think I would say my dad, like, it was not like, they weren't strict. I remember they tried to take me to fucking, um, what's that shit, fucking youth group. Awanas. Yeah. Dude, wait, try to take it away? Awanas?

What's Moana's? Oana is like. Do it Juana? Yeah, it's like Christian Wednesday church. It's like a vest and they'd give you patches for memorizing Bible verses. It's like fucking girl scouts or whatever, but for the Bible. It's pretty much the coolest kids ever did Awana. Oh shit.

Sounds like it. I had a red vest. No, it's not good. No, it doesn't sound good. They try to take me to youth group in this dude. I remember the first time they took me. It's like we're sitting in beanbag chairs and they're playing electric guitar. And then they just told us not to have sex.

And I was just like, fuck this. Like I immediately told my dad. This shit's fucking lame. Because my parents never told me not to have sex before marriage. They weren't super strict on certain things. They were just like, my dad's just like, I think Jesus is like a cool guy. That's kind of my dad. But he loves the Bible.

Like he reads it every morning at 530. Or he just is making us think that. Maybe he has hardcore pornography in there. And it's just like by the fireplace. Like just reading the Bible. I think that's awesome when like Christians are like, yeah, Jesus is like Kenny Chesney. Yeah. Like that's my favorite type of Christianity is when they're like, nah, he was just like

chili wore sandals. it was like... Right. You know? Yeah. He flipped the table one time and then people are like Jesus was a wrathful guy.

He's a rock star, bro. Yeah. Well, I mean, more the other way. They're like, Jesus was like aggressive. I was like that one time he flipped the table.

Yeah. And was like, hey, guys, stop gambling. But it's like... Really milking the table thing for it. Yeah, I was like, he had one bad day. I don't know.

Maybe he did other things. Maybe he fucking hit a guy in the nuts one time too. I don't know. Yeah. Who knows? My youth experience in the church I had like a youth pastor

His name was Cam Fuck Patterson I'd be funny That'd be awesome I would have fucked my Or whatever But anyway

This guy Very anti-sex Very like he would split up Like couples that were in middle school Like making out or whatever And then He's like more for me The boys?

Over here The girl Dead ass I graduated high school And that year he got arrested for like dittling the basketball team

the boys basketball yeah it's crazy yeah it is tough too and I was like bro well yeah yeah I'm gonna give up yeah yeah yeah

it is hard like because it's like you just like not only did you molest kids which I will say is not cool but you stop them from molesting each other which is like what they're supposed to do exactly yeah yeah

I'm like you monster yeah there's there's a it's like I don't know you know when you're connecting answers on like a test where you ever do those tests where they have like the word and then the definition

matching? Yeah, I do do a lingual. That's kind of like, you know what I mean? Like you draw the line from one to another? Yeah. That's like how it works. It's like okay, how does this work? You have kids, adults. Kids, they can have sex with each other. Adults can have sex with each other. But you can't. Right. Right. Right. Yeah, yeah. And there's like the... I'm glad we all agree on that.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'd say it once a day. I'm like, don't have sex with kids. Yeah. And I say it in the mirror to myself just so I, you know, don't make a mistake.

Yeah, it's just a case I forget. That's how much I hate pedophiles. Yeah, yeah, everybody I say, don't fuck a kid.

Ha, ha, ha. Please. But, no, yeah, it's like, not only did you, but so, like,

you just fucked everybody who you've taught about Christian. Like, they're going to stop believing in it now because of like what you've done.

But they don't care. They want that shit. Yeah, I wonder if that guy in his head, though, too, like in his brain he's like he had a daughter which is crazy

well I just wonder if he's like a still like I wonder in his mind he's like I'm a Christian but I'm just a sinful or if he's like this is fucking bullshit dude I'm just gonna fuck these kids yeah yeah like a cult leader yeah because some like some people have to think they're like no I'm a Christian but I make mistakes but their mistakes are just way up here to bed us yeah or if the guy is just like completely full of shit

which I would probably guess more than yeah probably yeah also diddle's such a funny word because like Diddle and molest I was trying to like Make it softer for some reason Yeah yeah yeah yeah But yeah it was

Yeah it's bad Well because it's like A topic to bring up on the pod Sorry You have no idea This isn't even like This is like the least controversial episode of morning good

Nice I like that I say that Like this is like a This is a serious talk show Like it's the most controversial episode of morning good yet But You don't want to miss this one

Yeah yeah yeah Dude I did that one time I got no I did like a promo or it was like this week on morning good. And it was like black and white and like dramatic music playing. That's fun though. Yeah. I got to redo that.

That was a funny one. But yeah, molest and diddle. I know it like could mean like horrible things. But when I hear it, I think of just like somebody with like a feather. Just going like da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah. Like I think of the most. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Tickling is actually, I think, the worst form of molestation. No, I'm like I know rape is bad. I don't know. How bad could it be? I don't know. Yeah. It's such a violation.

It's a violation of trust and also like then a boundary of whatever like touching someone. Well, the weird thing is like, yeah. But I tickle, you do tickle people. So you kind of do like, you do. I mean, it starts. Yeah. Like I tickle my friends. Not like often, but like it's happened before.

Good touch, bad touch. Yeah. Yeah. My dad tickled me. And I'm going to tickle more. Yeah. It's a brutal cycle. I'm going to tickle because I was.

tickle. That's how it works. Yeah. But it is like, I don't know, it's like, with your relationship, too, like, I would tickle my girl and shit. But it's like, but it's like, but in some ways somebody is saying like, stop doing this to me. It is kind of unconsual. It's weird. Yeah, tickle consent is kind of interesting. It's very confusing. I feel like families that tickle are weird. Like, I grew up in a family that tickled and I did not enjoy it. Oh shit. My dad tickled me too. Yeah, it's not good. Damn. Should we start a meeting? Unlocked. Like a group. I'm going to have to journal about this. Yeah. I really think

about it. I bet you there is somebody that would take that, like, aggressive stance and be like, no, no, no, no. You need to confront your father. Right. That was literally the next word out of my mouth. It is crazy. I remember my dad would take my hands and pin him above my head and like, yeah.

Because he could have one hand pinning both because I was a child. So then his other hand's free to take away. And you were a little pussy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I wasn't strong enough. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry he took advantage of you. Yeah. Yeah, then he grabbed chains. Yeah, I know.

I know how tick. Dude, I know how tickling goes. Dude, I never watched Liar Liar as a kid and then my mom stole the claw. Like I... Have you seen Liar Liar, Michael? Yeah, it's been a while, that.

From, um, it's like Jim Carrey and he's like playing with this kid and it's like the claw. It's like his hand is not his hand. He pretends. Oh, okay. It's a, oh, yeah. I think I remember this.

And I never watched that movie as a kid. And my mom would do it. And like, never told me it was from a movie. like literally like had me think it was like Santa Claus and then I saw it as an adult and I was like you fucking bitch you lied to me thank you for saying it yeah no I like

yeah that would be I might just do that with my kids just like make I'll do monologues for movies and make them it's just so wild I don't know just look at my son I'm like life is like a box of chocolate and you never know what you're good and don't allow them to see any movies and they're like you know my dad make them be like Mormon or whatever

Amish they're raised on catchphrases yeah they're like my dad's the smartest fucking guy, dude. He's a fucking genius. I felt bad about myself and he just told me this thing about like what's that one from Goodwill Hunting? It's not your fault. Yeah, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. You gave me that it's not your

false speech. No, I know. No, no, you don't. It's not your fault. Honestly, though, I will watch that. Dude, I've cried over that scene. That's just real, bro. Those are some existential archetypal themes. Yeah, I cry in a lot. I think I, dude, I think I cry listening to Metallica.

song. Which one? Yeah, Master of Puppets. I was just like running up because the song's about like drug addiction and I'm like drugs have ruined so many lives. I'm going for a run and I'm just like tearing up like the lives that they have destroyed

while I still do drugs but I'm like you know but I'm like it's different for me I'm not gonna stop. Yeah, I don't have a problem. I gotta cry out obviously I'm doing fun. I'm fine. Nothing screams. I don't have a problem like

a bandana rug. Oh yeah. This was, but Patty. This is rock and roll. Yeah. That was a fucking, that was probably the best

concert I ever went to. I went like a couple weeks ago. Metallica. Where were you sitting? I was in Tampa. Yeah. Where in the, were you up close to the stage?

Yeah, so I was in the pit. I was in the technical snake pit. I was in the, so they have a GA pit, which is like just general mission. But they're playing in the round. The snake pit is like

if you want to see like, the technical front of the band but they are still going around to everyone like you know it would come up to the like limp biscuit open and he's like you know right there I did zoom in on my Instagram stories to make it look like I was closer than I wanted. That's great. I used to be like yeah

people. Hey, fuck people dude. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Instagram's about showing your life is better than other people. Make your narrative. Yeah you got to zoom in I think because that's what the content creators do. I mean most concert I see are far far back and then my thought is oh cool they're at a concert next but if dude you got a close up on the face

Yeah, you can see Fred Durst's go tea. I'd linger on that story. I'd watch the 15 seconds. Yeah, we went and... I skipped through him. I watch every story. Yeah. No, people gotta know that I'm doing things.

The funniest is like, literally what is the point in that? Like, look, I had a fun concert. What was the point of me posting a three-second video at a metallic? There's zero percent reason. Yeah. Well, that's the, like, fucked thing

of just social media in general. I go back and forth. just so pointless. Yeah, yeah. And then everyone gets like, you know, upset. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I try to not think too much. I mean, you know, social media,

these are your friends. People always used to share photo albums amongst each other, you know? So like, I'm sharing something fun that I do. It's fine. Yeah, and it does create a conversation. Like, people were like, oh, I saw them over here. Or like, you're at the same concert.

Where are you? And then I'm like, stay connected that way. Yeah. Fuck, they found me. Yeah, like shit, shit, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, sorry, where's there? Well, I think it's fun that people are like grandmas with their photo albums now.

Yeah, yeah. Like, it's everyone. Yeah, well, I used to take, like, yearbook. Like, I was, I'm a big person. Like, I used to look through yearbooks all the time. Like, I like, I like photos of people. I love looking back in photos. You're like, that was such a big thing.

Yeah. And social media is going to be so funny because it's like, I mean, stories are, they're not pointless because I think it's helpful. It's helpful a lot. Like, the amount of times I've, like, posted in a city and then people are like oh let's hang out and then I've hung out with somebody because of that and you're building an archive also right because every story you have is you can see it so I love looking at it's saved somewhere yeah I think you can look at your story archives I know

Snapchat has that I still have Snapchat don't care a lot of the audio of my old like clips that I had are gone though I was like damn that sucks like like stand-up clips yeah yeah and just taking photos in general like Apple will show you you know your memories I like that I like seeing on this day five years ago what was I doing I'm like it keeps doing it my fucking ex though. It doesn't. It doesn't once a day. Yeah, maybe you can

You gotta delete all of them but one. You gotta keep one so that you don't like, you know, erase it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, nostalgia. I'm pretty nostalgic.

No, we know, we're not getting off topic. We're talking about... No, no, no, no. We're talking about your ex, bro? No, no, I'm fine. But, uh, yeah, no, the concert was sick. Mosh pitting was so much fun. Fuck, yes.

Moshing is great. It's so much fun. And I got, like, I got wrecked at one point. there was either break stuff or some other Limpisca. They even rolling by Limpisket and they did like a roll of death where they go like

they split and they all come together and like somebody fell behind me so I accidentally got tabletopped and I like saw my legs like in like parallel that's a vulnerable spot yeah I was just horizontal for a second but I was fine and then my cousin snuck into the pit with us

because he had like G.A. or he had like nosebleeds and he's like fuck that shit dude I'm coming down to the fucking pit and he just found the weakest he was in the military So he was like scoping out security. He's like, that guy's the weakest.

That's sick. Yeah. They just walked right behind him. It was fine. Hell yeah. I just kind of changed my perspective. I'm like, I'm going to try to sneak in more. Yeah.

Dude, have you seen the Travis Scott documentary about the Astro World thing? Speaking of Mosh pits. Dude, did you hear about this? Mm-mm. Well, like, fucking 10 people died at his concert, which is crazy. And then it like, basically the documentary is like, airing out that like it could have been prevented and like the show kept going on. Yeah.

And like it's basically like a live nation smear campaign. Because Live Nation was like the person or whatever. Yeah. I don't know. It was crazy though. And I was like damn because I've like moshed and like it's a very like I feel like it's a loving culture even though you're like punching and whatever. Like it's very like if someone falls you pick them up. Yeah.

Every time. Yeah. And so it's crazy that that happened. like yeah i don't know i love the uh i've been to some heavy metal stuff in south carolina or charlotte actually they have a thing called carolina rebellions you see like bands like avenge sevenfold and uh tool or perfect circle was there and they do moshing and the body surfing but like yeah like yeah like you said like they were so polite down there like it would be going hard and then you bump somebody to guard and they'd be like okay bro yeah yeah yeah i'm good all right like yeah i just like wreck a 15 year old

i'm like i'm so sorry it was an accident they mean the stiff arm your face the politeness I appreciate it. I was like, these guys are sick. Yeah, no, it's always like that. And the thing is, I am probably done crowd surfing, so I've done it a couple times. It's the shit.

It is really fun, but it's like, so I did it one time at Blink Oneade 2, and I got thrown over the barricade, and like a good way, I was like, oh, this is cool, like, it's the end of the concert. Oh, yeah. And I'm like, everybody's leaving anyway, so this is fun. Then I tried doing it as some 41 con. I don't just go to these

concerts, okay? I have also seen Simple Plan, But, but, but, dude, I tried it when I was, like, fatter. And I got dropped so hard. And I'm kind of just, like, not risking it anymore. I'm like, dude, I could land so much on my head. I'm like, I'd have to really, like, you don't know what I would do? If I was, like, a famous comedian, I would try crowd surfing.

Because I'm like, okay, everybody, if you could orchestrate it, like, everybody do not drop me. Yeah. Right, yeah. Then I do. But, like, a concert's so hard when they don't know me because a lot of me, because a lot of me is this fucking retard. They just were like, why would I help you? I've always felt too heavy to crowd surf.

So I've never done it. I mean, if I did it. I know. It's a mental illness thing. Yeah. Like, I remember one time at Bonarue, I was on this guy's shoulders, and that was maybe the happiest moment of my life. Aw.

That's nice. One time I had sex with a girl while wearing pit viper sunglasses, that was the happiest moment of my life. That's nice. Yeah. That is a good one. What's the happiest moment of your life? Oh, God.

Well. Talking to chat, GBT. What? But it told you you're not a loser. Yeah, that's up there. Happy's one in my life, dude. I don't know. Yeah, one answer is this podcast. This podcast.

You gotta let the people know. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't have one right now. It's coming up. You're gonna kill yourself out of this episode? What's going on? Now that I looked at the data, I'm never happy.

No, I'm happy. I feel like I'm pretty happy most times. So you appear like a happy guy. I know. I know. That's the darkness to my... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Happiest moment of my life.

I don't know if I can say this. Yeah. I can say this. We're pretty far in. If people get to this point... Yeah, it's just us to you. Yeah. The happiest moment of my life is when I found out my brother knocked up his girlfriend. Oh, nice. Nice.

Because you were like, I'm going to be an uncle? No, because my logic was like, I've been the black sheep as the comedian and the Christian family. And I'm like, bro, I'm so up. My stock is so hot. Dude. My stock is so up. And they know, and we're all going to be supportive. Yeah, that's so fucking funny. And I wish them the best.

And knocked up, I shouldn't even use that word. She's with child. She is with child and she is the mother of St. Mary. Yeah, I'm sure they planned to do that. When he told me, I couldn't help it laugh and just think like, you know, life doesn't happen how you expect it, you know. That's so funny answer. I was like, dude, yeah.

mom and dad stand-up's not so bad yeah I'm also too for me I don't get how it happened like okay I get how it happens you jizz inside somebody you're not supposed

Right yeah yeah But I think it's like When you're not supposed to Right yeah I'm just so scared of getting somebody Like I never raw dog Like I've raw dogged A few times

Like when I was a relationship Yeah On birth control yeah But I wouldn't even I wouldn't even come inside somebody on birth control with And then I came inside One woman without a condom

and it was a first date and she's like, I was like, can you show me you're a birth control? And I was like, I looked at it at that day. That's legit. You know it is funny though.

She never got back to me. Oh, interesting. As far as we know. Yeah, I'm like, am I a father? Also, like, I don't want to go out with this PI. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, I wonder if she's like, that's fucking pussy,

you can't even come inside me that look at my birth control. Yeah. But it's like, for me, I'm like, it's like, that's how you make babies. And so many people, like, act like, that's not how you make babies. They just come inside people all the time.

They're like, what's going to happen? A baby come out? You're like, yeah, that's what I was built for. They're very trusting. Like, yeah, I assume the girl is on birth control. I assume. I'm not. Yeah.

And I'd be fucking. There we go. There we go. Yeah, I'm not a big. But I am smart, so. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not a condom fan at all.

I use them. Hey, hey, what? Breaking news. Guy doesn't like condoms. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I just, you know, I mean, I get kind of in my head about sex sometimes. And I'm like, dude. the con and another step

another thing that could make this thing not go, you know. Well, I'm like, dude, the ultra thing. Shut up. The sticks are high. Sorry. I think I'm the only guy that like, dude, I got no issue with them.

Like, I like, I will say like, I was in a relationship for a while so he like didn't use them. And then, uh, then I got out when I was really scared. I was like, oh gosh, it's going to go back. And like, I think my sensitivity just adjusted. It's like now like, now like, now I check because I'm like, it feels like the condom's not on every time. Then I'm like, oh, is this on

or not on? Wow. Wow. Yeah, but I think that's a good brand. Yeah, I think. That's pretty nice. Yeah, it's like, I'm like, but it's like the, the Trojan ultra raw thin ones, like, okay. But they also break the most. Noted. Sponsored. But you guys also break a lot. It's called Trojan Ultra Raw? So send us extra. Ultra Thin raw. Yeah, definitely

sponsor me. Ultra raw. Ultra thin raw. Yeah. But, like, I don't know. It's like, I'll have sex with those and I'll feel it. I'm like, is this I keep freaking out that it's off, so I'll, like, touch my penis and be like, okay, it's still on. I don't like when a condom sounds like a cigarette. All right. The old are thin, raw. Do you ever get it in your own?

The condoms are thin, by the way. The penises. It's not like the material is dead. It's not for thin penises. I don't have a pencil thick, okay? Did you ever get in your own head about your first interaction with a new partner? No, I'm just like, I'm a hero. Of course.

I'm kidding. Of course. Okay, good. Okay, good. I was like, oh, fuck. Dude, I take boner pills, like 90% of the new. time I have sex. Interesting.

Okay, yeah, because I was talking, I won't name who told me this. But there was a guy, I was talking about a girl. I was kind of nervous to, you know, because it was looking like, this was maybe going to happen.

And he's like, dude, just take a Seattle. I was like, what? Are guys doing this? And he was like, yeah,

everybody, dude, I'm the only one he's been trying to, like, not corked. Like, dude. Dude,

one of my friends recently he paid to fuck a hooker $2,000 and he couldn't get his dickard. Sorry to fuck two hookers. Yeah. But I'm like, dude, like, you invest that much, you should take a dick pill. Yeah, I agree.

I have no idea what the side effects are. And I do not care. Yeah, yeah. I don't ever learn them. Yeah, I'm sure it's fine. I could see the hooker situation. Because if you're not emotionally invested, you're just like, okay, I can see it fucking with your head.

You're such a sweetheart. Dude, I'm not emotionally invested. I can't go out. Can you tell us about your night last night? What night? Oh, yes, yes, yes. I went to a gentleman's club, a strip club, if you will, with, with my friend Dean

and yeah, yeah, it was really fun. Which ones did you guys get at? Oh, God. I can, uh, fuck. It was in Midtown? What part? It was in Midtown.

If you bear with me, I have the poster here. Sapphires, Flash Dancers. It's Rick's Cabaret. Was Brittany working? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No, but there was, Essence says hi, though.

Okay, thank you. Friend of the show. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So we just, we sat down there and we got some lap dances. We were both convinced they were in love with us. I didn't know the etiquette on, you know, because you pay for the dance and this woman was

dancing with her titsin. Can you explain how you talk about getting the dance? How you talk about getting the dance? Yeah, like I don't, do they come up to you? So we're sitting in chairs, like swivel chairs on the floor. They're all walking around and they kind of come by and say, hey baby, how you doing? And then they say, you want to dance? and then they all want to dance.

Then they all start asking you repeatedly. Yeah. You got to start telling them. The really bad ones, yeah, normally they come up to you and you got to be like, I don't have any money

or like, I would love to. Or like, I like doing two at one. I'm normally like, dude, you just feel. You just feel.

That is you, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking baller, dude. Yeah. Thank you. But sometimes the really, I've been to a really,

by pumps, I'm gonna, you're, you're fucking called out right now. Pumps in Brooklyn. You go fuck yourself, pumps in Brooklyn. Get fucked.

I went into pumps and it felt like a regular bar. I was like walking around and I was like, no women are taught. I'm like, I don't think I'm that hideous. And it was just like, that was the one. Oh, no women were approaching you? No. No, shit. Yeah.

I don't know, maybe it was better like nobody was approaching it. Like there was one of those, I had to look around to be like, is that a stripper? Okay, that looks like a stripper. Because there's some like regular women in there too. And I was like, is that, okay, that's a stripper. What's going on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I didn't know the etiquette about touching, you know, when they of you laughed at us, touching the tits, you know? And yeah, so I asked. Her tits. You could say her tits. The woman's tits, the beautiful, respectful. This bitch's tities. Performing's artists.

They're doing a, yeah. Wow, great job, David. She said, oh, yes, she can. Thanks for asking. If you want to tip me, if you do that, I appreciate it. And I was like, okay. Yeah, you want to tip me. I was like, okay.

And then she, like, came up, like, from my knees, like, and her tits were. And then I made her, she, She cracked. She started laughing. That's nice. Yeah, because she said,

I looked so excited to see her tits. And she could have to keep this straight. I was like, what are we doing? I feel like, what are you a virgin? I was like five years old getting his lap pants.

But that was me, I went high to a stripper one time and I've never had strippers be like, are you okay? Like they were like, they were like, are you look really shy nerves? And I'm like,

no, I'm like a cool guy. I'm like sick. Yeah, I hang out of these places all the time. I'm like a rapper. I try to be playful and fun because I'm like,

I'm like, dude, I can't be actually horny when I'm doing this. I'd be like, yeah, like, fuck yeah. Like, I can't do that, right? Yeah, I don't think that's allowed, right? No, I think the rule is like, yeah. It's more like fun. Like, you got to be like, like, hands kind of in the air, you know, not in, not in your lap. Like a roller coaster.

Yes, exactly. That's a great, that's a great way to put it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is amazing. Pull the bar down. Yeah.

And then no more. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're putting these girls through college, dude. This is all, which is all good. I only went to the strip club once, and it was in South Carolina.

So it was trashy. Was that the night I was there? With all respect, ladies. And what? Was that the night we all went? It was... It was... No, it was before...

Well, it was in Columbia. It was before I started comedy. But I went with this guy, two guys, and I only knew them from going out in bars or whatever. And we went there. This dude got money. We're, like, hanging out. And then we go into the... back room to like, I don't know, get our dick sucked or whatever.

And the money is like out and, you know, she's like, I think she's like kissing both of us, whatever. And he's like, sit. Are you by? I like tried to be. Okay. But I've realized I'm pretty straight. Yeah.

Like 30% by. And so this guy's just sitting there and I like take the money and I try to like give all of it to her. Yeah. And he, like, catches me. And then, like, doesn't get mad. Like, doesn't, like, freak out. But he's like, fuck that. Yeah.

He, like, takes it back from her. And then I'm like, I want to go. Like, I just wanted to, like, pay the stripper in, like, one lump sum. Yeah. And that's, I think, how I, that's the true evidence that I'm not gay. Because I'm, like, I'm, like, trying to get it over. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you know, like, no, no, one dollar at a time. Right, yeah. I don't know. But it was interesting. I never went back. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's one of those things where, like, there's, it's not a, people are like strip clubs are terrible places with sex trafficking.

Some. Some. Some of them are like, you know, like, my favorite kind of stripper, I apologize listeners. You've heard this so many times. So many times. It's like, I don't like, the Russian ones freak me out. That's a good compilation.

Yeah, Michael's favorite. Because like, the Russian ones, I'm like, I don't know how you got here. Like, what's going on? It's a little dicey. I don't love. foreign accents. I'm kind of a little bit of a nationalist when it comes to strippers.

That's great. But I don't know. I'm just like, I'll make sure they're about sex traffic, so American only. But this feels like if Trump had a thing about hookers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like we got the best ones. The club's great again. Yeah. But it's like it's like the best

one is like you're like talking to the stripper and you're like, okay, this was somebody who was like midway through filling out like an Arby's application and they're like what am I doing? I'm just going to go show my kids for They're like, this is going to be better. Dude, that's a great point. I mean, compared working at Arby's to a strip club, way more fun. My friend was a stripper for a while, but it's a hard lifestyle.

Either way, you're checking your ego, you know, either of those jobs. So like, you know. And also, you got to think about the creepy men because it's like, you guys are fine. You're young studs, you know what I mean? Clip that, by way, clip that, by the way. Very young, clip it. But, like, think about it. The allegations come out.

Sorry. This will be a trial. Let's with this and do we exhibit it. Yeah. Think about like a fucking like 65 year old guy that's like has missing teeth and like three ex-wives. And they come in every week. And you can't be like. Dealing with that guy.

Every fucking day. You do notice that. You feel for the men in there. I mean, yeah, they're lonely. No, I'm not. She was the other. I'm saying the opposite. Oh.

Oh. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This poor dude. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Fuck them. Fuck them. They're bad. I feel bad for him. I'm like, bro, it's gonna be mean. I guess you can feel bad for both of them, but yeah. Yeah, because that girl, she can't like, be like, okay, not you.

Like, she has to be like, yep, okay. There's no refusal of service or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I mean, I'm sure there is at a certain level, but. Yeah, yeah, that's gotta be. You'd be really funny. There's a strip club and the whole, it was like a nightclub where they're like, only the cutest boys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sir, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. We are, do you guys have to go now? It's 50 minutes. We got a little time. Yeah, we have some time.

Yeah, we got like 20 minutes before we got to go. Okay. I had one more thing to say about, I mean, I have a thousand things. Yeah, sure. We could go on and on about... Dean and I wanted to take our shirts off last night. I think they let us?

I don't know. Because I got a massage. I paid for massage. They had that going on. Oh, nice. But she was like going for the massage through the shirt, and I was like, this isn't, you know.

But they don't let the guests take their shirts off. Yeah. What's that? You asked? I asked. I asked. I was like, can I take my shirt off? And she's like, no. Yeah.

I mean, the most fun is when you get... Shut up. The most fun way to do is when you get, like, to go, strippers to go. Like, they have that? Yeah, yeah, where you order them somewhere. If you have another party, consider. I'd ship them.

Oh, every time I have a party consider. I'm so... By the way, I am so... You guys just need to have, like, cooler women friends. they'll take their shirts off. No, I'm kidding. It's not quite the same. That was really misogynistic, and I don't want to go out there.

It's fine. But leave it in. Yeah, yeah, leave it in. If the condoms on, leave it in. Don't, we're not doing this. We're not doing this. Do not get somebody pregnant. No, it's fun because it's like the rules are like,

like you're partying with the strippers. And by the way, I am like, there are so many times I'm like, I could maybe afford to get strippers. And it's not, it's not like, it's like, I'm so financially, it's so weird. I will go from like, I donate plasma and get grocery money. And then being like, you know what I should do? I should join the mutual UFO network so I could get a funny badge. Right, yeah.

I almost did that the other day. I didn't almost do it, but I'm like, I'm like, should I save up for this? Just because it'd be very funny in my wallet. It's like I'd be a technical UFO researcher. And I would have an ID card with my face. Yeah. It's pretty sick. And if I, right, if I died, it would be so fucking funny.

People look at that. They're like, what's the fuck? Wait, what was going on? You get hit by a bus. And they're like, this guy knew the truth about UFOs. Official field researcher. He's inducted. Yeah, I don't know.

So good. I have no skills when it comes to money. I've been poor my whole life. Yeah. And there's no change imminent. Well, that kind of makes sense because it's like, like, I feel like financial responsibility can be, like, rich people can teach their kids how to be. Because, like, my parents are rich, but I, you know,

not. I'm financially responsible. But in some ways, you know what it is? I think that like... My mom's just a bitch. Your mom is? No, I'm kidding. I made poor choices. I make like certain really poor choices and then certain

really good... Like with food, I'll eat basically dog food to save money. I have no problem eating like just whatever. I just throw cooked chicken, something like that. But then there's like, if I'm in like a gas station and they got like a cool hat, I'm like well, I can buy this. When else am I going to be in Tucson?

This is a hilarious hat. What else am I going to be in Tucson, bro? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I treat myself with the food there. Yeah, yeah, well, because you're sober. You should probably save so much money. Sober, yeah, very good with money. Yes.

Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, dude, that's my biggest budget item, I think, is DoorDash. Oh, really? Yeah, dude, it's amazing, you know. Yeah, because I wonder if I didn't drink. 50 hundred bucks on DoorDash. Where my money would go, yeah. Yeah.

But I mean, it's idiotic. I mean, it's a fortune. I mean, I just spent nine weeks not drinking, and I kind of just saved a bunch of money and didn't really put it anywhere. Yeah. Crazy. So.

Yeah. It happens. But, you know, you have to save up because someone's got to buy condoms or something. This is true. Yeah. I think that condom budget, you know. Yeah, apparently there's those dudes,

women say that are, like, show up to a day without kind. And they're like, I guess we're not going to use it. Yeah. It's like, that's crazy. No, that's wild. I'd consider doing that. Well, because about any more.

I've grown. But a few years ago. But it's also. So like, whoops. Nice caveat. Yeah. The better move would be to be like, oh, I don't have any condoms in here. Because like, and then, by the way, neither of this is good moves.

But I'm saying like, because then she could. Just in case you're going to try this at home, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not like. Eventually have a condom in a hidden pocket and say, I didn't see this here. Because the chances she's just like, no, I'm not going to have sex like condom are pretty high. So it's like you're. Then the chances of it going, yes, are higher.

Is this the logic? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a guy. Yeah, exactly. You get it.

Yeah, I get it. Oh, dude, I bring him to the airport. I'm like, what do I, what do I think is going to happen? The airport, bro. I love that optimism, dude. I feel the same. I want to meet somebody at the airport. Dude, totally.

But you're going to fuck at the airport. Well, I never brought the comedy, but I like more have my AirPods in and listen to the soundtrack and like, you know, romantic comedy kind of vibe. And I'm like, dude, I got drunk at the airport a couple weeks ago. And I was like, I was like cruising. It was bad because I was like, you're cruising. cruising for pussy at the airport bar? So funny.

Basically. I forgot people said that. I don't know a good word, but yeah. I think cruises more for gay sex normally. Cruising's great because it's the pilot, you know. Yeah. I was not. I mean, I was that drunk cruising.

Cruising altitude at the bar. Yeah. Well, I was like, it was so many too because this is like such a metaphor for my career because I was like writing jokes. And I was like, let me drink a little bit. You need some pussy with the jokes inside a pussy. When then I closed my laptop to go sit at the bar because it's a hot girl there. I'm like, this is exactly what's happening with.

I'm like leaving my art to try to get laid. Bro, I think that. Not even leaving your art. I think when your brain is creative and writing, that is when you're at your most attractive state of like getting pussy. Interesting. Yeah.

If you have a joke idea, I don't know if you feel that way. If I have a joke, I feel like on top of the world, I'm like, dude, yes. Yeah. And then she's like, oh, what are you writing?

It's like, Dick fart come. He's gay. Yeah. Just open with the bit you were writing. Hey, so. Hey, hey, do you think like, orphans?

Have you ever been on a plane? Yeah. Yeah. you're looking. I did. Yeah, one time I met a girl on a plane and we, I was, this is when I was drunk too, and I thought we had a great conversation, got her phone number, but then I think I think my Instagram detracts,

detracts, it's the opposite of push away, right? That means to put you away. Yeah. Yeah, I think my Instagram detracts like a bunch, but I'm also like, well, at some point you're... Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I kind of don't care, but it's like... On some Demi Laval shit. Wait, wait, you're saying, you're saying once she looked at your Instagram,

it takes away from your attractiveness level? Totally, yeah. What? Dude, just me, like, shooting a bottle rocket out of my ass. It's me, like... Oh, it's the real you. It's also podcasting me. So, like, half the clips are, like, me with, like, this one right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think it's attractive. I mean, I'm curious about Alexis's opinion, but, like, because I feel the same thing. I mean, I got a bunch of old podcast clips. I haven't done mine in a minute, but, like, I think about that. But it's like, you can't be ashamed of it? I can't be... No, no, no. I am the other way.

I've got DMs from, like, people have been, like, oh, you're cute from just like... From the podcast. Yeah, yeah. Do you think it's cringy if you met a guy out of plane and you had that? All of it's just like up to whoever's looking at it. So I feel like it's pointless to like, I don't put a lot of energy towards whatever. I like, I want it to be good in like the sense of like when people look at it. They're like, oh yes, like they smile.

That's like how I try to think. Yeah. The last thing I want to do is like use my Instagram to look attractive. I'm like, it's so. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like.

Here I am. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The bottle rocket. Exactly. So, like, whatever's the funniest is what I'm going to put out there. Yeah, I choose to think the right woman would fuck with it. Yeah.

Definitely. What's she going to do? Judge it? Who cares? And it's, what was her name? The stripper? Oh, they told her the woman on the airplane. Essence?

Essence. It was Essence. Yeah. She's going to DM you. Hopefully. That's your stripper friend, or who's this? I don't know. I actually lied.

That wasn't the stripper's name. That was a server's name who was at the strip club from our old show we used to do. A tutels in French. Essence. Saw her last night. It was industry night at the strip Oh, there we go. That's cool.

Somebody said, wait, industry night? Is that like the bringer version of strip club? It's like, yeah. It's the industry room. Bring your friends. You know how some of those work. Some strippers walk in and they pay

they pay like a cover to the club. Like I didn't know random girls can just walk it. Like you could like walk into a strip club and New York back, hey, I want to work the night. And they'd be like, all right, well like. There's one down the street for me. Yeah. There's an idea.

Just know it's that close. Just know it's that close. to being a decision you can make. That's nice. That's comforting. It's right there. I got options. Yeah.

We are at an hour now, though. So what do you guys want to promote? Thank you for coming on. Yeah, of course. I have a show at QED on the 25th. You should come to it. Yeah, yeah.

So this will come out Sunday. So yeah, go to that show and Historia. Hell yeah. Follow my Instagram. I post where I do stand up. So really right now, all I have is come watch me do stand up. And I'm working better.

at self-promotion. So yes, I mean that. These are strong altruist. I'm not ashamed of what I say on stage despite my parents. I love myself. I love myself. And I think I'm kind of funny. And you should come watch me. And I'm actually, yeah. Shout out to David's dad. Shout out to my dad. I do have a podcast that has archived episodes. I'm thinking about doing it again. So you should. What's it called? I did this instead of killing myself. It's a good name. How does the algorithm allow that?

It doesn't do well. It doesn't do well. It's got a cult following. But yeah, dude, thanks for having this, bro. Seriously. And also, before we go, congrats on,

dude, you look fucking amazing. I should have said this at the beginning. Oh, thank you. You ripped, bro. I've said this to you in person before. Thank you. Shredded, dude.

You look. Yeah. They're all going to fuck after this. Yeah, this is going to be a thing. Not to be a sick of fan or whatever, you know, but seriously look great.

Yeah, for the audio listeners, go ahead and just look at my body on you. Go to YouTube if you want to get a nice tug. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, thanks again.