Morning Good - Have You Guys Ever Fisted? - Episode 52

Episode Date: November 21, 2021

Thanks for tuning in! Check out our guests at their links below to show support and catch some of their upcoming events.You can find Derick on Instagram @officiallyderickgonzalez, he also has a weekly event in Harlem called Brown Sugar Comedy Show. Jake is also on IG @jake_timothy and has a new web series called "Rent Money" with former guest and friend of the show Dan Carney. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front.

Welcome to morning. Are getting started here. You guys are here on the Mike and Derek show in the morning. In the morning. Berm, bern, bern. Mike and Derek. Mike and Derek. Mike and Derek.

Derek and Mike. What up? So we got Derek Gonzalez and Jake Timothy. Of course you have, it's Mike and Derek. Of course you got Derek. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a given.

The rebranding of the podcast. And we're talking about how Tom Hanks is a pedophile. That's my favorite conspiracy theory because there's nothing to back it up. I've never dug into that one. Isn't that just happened like the moment he got COVID? Everybody was like, pedophile. Pedophile.

You get him fucking a kid. Yeah. It was back in the day. We didn't know how COVID started. We just like, you fuck kids and then you get COVID. That would be so funny if they found out that's what it was. And I'm like, I never caught COVID. All I'm saying is, I don't touch kids.

Yeah. Well, that's my favorite thing is like. That's how the AIDS one got started. It was the first guy got AIDS and they were like, he fucked a monkey. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. When major global fucking disease happened, you just go, somebody fuck something.

Yeah. Yeah, that was a crossover. What's the fish? What's the fish disease? that humans got? I don't know. I'm just trying to think of reason

someone fuck a fish. Well, it had to have been a Japanese woman fucked a squid person. Yeah. That's how that has to go. That was so funny, though.

I was looking through like, that's true. That's true. That's true. It's so funny because I was looking at irrefutable. Because obviously there's the

hentai porn where people get fucked by tentacle porn. And it's so interesting because I saw this like old picture from like ancient Japan and it's a woman fucking a squid.

I'm like, oh, this has been like a trope for like a while. It's been a part of their culture for it. Yeah. I've never gone down that rapid hole of looking up like squid. You never look at squid porn yet? No.

I've been, here's my thing. I was growing up. I think if I looked it up now, you just get like squid game parody porn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck Netflix. Rowing that for me now. I hate parody porn. I've never once. Never once. I've watched it. I've watched it.

So you never like watch like Simpson porn and be like, all right, I can see it. Well, that's different. It's my first. Ready brother. She's like, homie!

And like, she's getting fucking rammed. I didn't watch the... Remember that movie Avatar? Yeah. I watched that Avatar more. That was,

I like that. Did they connect their hairs together? No, they're just blue. A blue man group gang bang porn. That would be fun to watch. Silent. Just throwing pain on the bitch

and then fucking her. They're just hitting drums. That, um, the Tom Hanks thing's funny though, because like... This isn't weird. This is,

um, negative. Oh, perfect. Damn, I was gonna... I created this podcast just to hit people's jewels. I did it on all the last episode, too. I'm like, it's just the only thing that's more now.

But... The Tom Hanks pedophile thinks so funny, because, like, do you think Chet Hanks could shut the fuck up about his dad being a pedoph-of? Like, there's no way

Chet Hanks could keep his mouth shut about his dad being in an elite global pedophile ring. I like how Chet... You know Tom Hanks's other son, Colin Hanks? Oh, yeah. Who's just like a pussy.

I would have been a weird household to grow up in. Oh, my God, yeah. So many personalities. That's so funny when they interviewed Chet, the other Hanks. They're like, what do you think about your brother, Chad? He's like, you know, he's doing his thing,

and I'm doing my thing. White boy summer. But Tom Hanks would be little boy summer. Did you guys feel like you had a white boy summer? I feel like I did, yes. All right, that's one white boy? Did you have white boy? What?

No. Letting it raise down. You're raising down. Your hesitation. I could have. No. now. That's the sign of

what's the criteria. The fact that you hesitated is the sign that you had a white boy summer.

Something like there was a shotgun involved. D.Rs was definitely involved. White boy summer was activated within you.

Oh yeah, dude. Long cut all summer just throwing in lips. Yeah. Dipping. I don't think I've

heard of a black person dipping. Do any black people dip? Oh no. What the fuck dipping is? Yeah.

Well, it's like a sound in general. Yeah. Oh, wait. Well, chewing tobacco? Yeah.

I've had chewing tobacco. I just call it They're just called chewing to that tobacco. Or I call it that cowboy shit. The cowboy shit. The thing's like, it goes in, like it goes, you leave it. Because chewing's more in the back of your mouth. Yeah, but yeah, you live the dip right in the, right in the front or the, like, is there

side of the chip? Is there chewing tobacco that you chew on? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's chewing tobacco that you chew on. Like chaw? You kind of like, yeah. I thought all of it, you just leave it in your lip.

No. I think so. You kind of like, I don't know. Somebody's listening. It's like, you fucking idiot. That's your, dresser got me into dip. That was, you know, yeah. He was just like, yo, I think I was going through some shit.

I was going through a breakup or some shit. And then I was just paranoid about something. And he's like, you need to calm down, take one of this. And that shit made me even more paranoid because I didn't know how. It's a stimulant. Yeah. It's a, yeah. I'm a downer kind of guy.

So I like the drink of shit. I was kind of like jumping around places. I was ready to talk and all this such shit. I'm like, you're about to bomb, dude. But I said it with a smile. And this was like, oh, my God. It was bad. But I fuck with it.

I fuck with it. You got to be like, you had to be so addicted to nicotine for that to calm you down. Yeah. If you just tend to like one, like a cigarette, if I haven't smoked in a month, and I'm like, I got to calm down, I'll smoke a cigarette. I'll lose my mind. Yeah. It's terrible.

Well, I knew some, I had some black friends that would dip in Florida because, like, Florida, there's, like, there's so much outdoor stuff that you kind of, like, get with that culture. So, like, I had friends that would go fishing and hunting, and there'd be black guys that would dip. Because that's kind of like, it comes along with fishing and hunting. Because, like, fishing and dipping and stuff. Yeah, so you're like, you got to keep, like, enthusiasm up and shit. Yeah, yeah. You're like, this boring.

Let's do this. Baseball to anyone that plays baseball. Yeah. Pretty much of you right of. I've done every form of nicotine there is, and that dipping has made me the most, like, nauseous. Yeah, yeah. Have you done patches, I assume? No, I haven't done patches.

I've tried gum and stuff. I put nine of those on and just have a fun of the day. Just get really lightheaded. Or in the back of your neck or some shit? Yeah. You're seeing that movie, Thank You for Smoking? No, but it had Harvey Dent in it, right? Yeah, that guy.

But there's this, he's like a, he's like a lobbyist for tobacco company. and there's a scene where these people like kidnap him and just cover his body and nicotine patches to try to be like, look, it's bad for you. Did you put him on one half of his face, like two-face? He's like, buzzed on one half of the other one half. One half of his face looks like 13 years older. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I, um... Yeah, I don't know why that number came out of my mouth. It's an unlucky number. That guy's life. I haven't seen Aaron Ackhardt in any... He's great actor as Two-Face. What if that's everything he plays, though? He's like, what if this character had two sides?

No, it's not in the plot. He's like, no, but we could do it, though. Yeah. You're a veterinarian that take cares of people. Like, that would be great. But low-key, he's just, like, killing some animals. Where are they? I bet if you threw on, like, a random Netflix movie, he'd be, like, a gym coach or something.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I could see that. He's still doing shit. I forget. That's all he really remember him from because I don't, like, he, that fucking dark night rises. Or it's dark night at first. Yeah, that's amazing. Fucking lift him up.

I'm a dire bad. I think Two-Face is my favorite villain. He's, like, so well-written. It's such, like, a complicated story that you're like, oh, it's cool, yeah. Yeah. It's a great movie. Yeah. Two-face is fucking good.

Besides that Tommy Lee Jones one, where he's just like, Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. And he's got, like, it's like pink for some reason. His acid was thrown on his face. Is there a new one coming out? Yeah, yeah. That's going to kick so much ass. Even though it's a Twilight guy.

Yeah, I've heard he's good at acting Rob Patton's. Yeah, he's good. I like that guy. Yeah. He wasn't just Twilight. He was also the Harry Potter guy. Oh, yeah, got a little fire guy. Yeah.

He's using the lighthouse, too. That's how you'd name. Like, what type of person there? I was like, oh, yeah, he's fucking, he's the Spider-Man guy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know what he was in? He's in that movie, Good Time. You ever seen Good Time?

No, I didn't see Good Time. It's fucking awesome. It's so good. And he's cool. He plays like a Greek dude from Queens. Oh, that sounds good. And his brother is like this retarded guy and they, like, rob a bag together. And his brother gets arrested.

He has to, like, get him out. It's all. It's awesome. Does he just frame his brother? He's like, he was up to it, the guy, that. Stay in the car and play with these trains.

And then he comes back later. Well, he, like, acts like his brother was arrested, but really they just took him back to, like, the home. Yeah. Like, for retarded people where they're like,

just color, you don't need to rob banks and stuff. It sounds like a really weird plot. It's really good. Who plays the mentally challenged kid? The director. The director of the movie played in? Is the retarded guys?

Yeah. I thought about this, man. I talked about, disabled people too much, but I would love just once a year to just for a full day, pretend like I'm challenged, just walk around. It sounds like it would feel like amazing to explore that way. I don't know. It's fucked up, but like I just... I'm saying the word retarded, but what you're saying is more offensive. Oh, of course. Yeah. Of course, yeah. Well, it's like, actors have to do that. If they're playing

the role, they have to, I guarantee you on set, they're like method guys that do method retard. Like, you know, what's it called? Topic Thunder, he's talking about it. Yeah. Or that movie I am Sam. you've heard of the movie with Sean Penn He has like a kid but he's Mentor Yeah This is how I knew

It would be like one And then the year later They were like We shouldn't have made this Yeah Yeah Fucking What's that guy from Even Stevens

The fucking Oh yeah That one The PMAVar Falcon No the fucking Wait Are we talking about the same Shailabuff

Yeah Yeah yeah Yeah Remember he was a retarty kid On a Disney movie Right No Yeah

He plays He plays a retarty kid On a Disney movie Really Yeah Like what does he do? He's really retarded. That's what he's doing. He's just being retarded the whole time. They don't do a whole lot.

They don't do that. Yo, bro, it's a movie on Disney. I think they probably, they definitely had to cancel that shit. But he was just, he was Shalabuff playing a retarded kid. And like, I think it was the same sister from Eva Steven. So I thought it was like a, like a episode. But it's a whole movie. And I just remember him being retarded. And then he had bullies and they spat in his baseball hat and made him wear it. And he got like, he just didn't go, he went, hmm, you got sad. Dang. It's a Disney movie? Yeah, it's a Disney movie. Jesus Christ. It's crazy those movies where they're like, they're like, They're like, yeah, we take the retarded guy, we sawed his arm off.

It's like, what high school are these horrible? Who does that? That's insane. But also, like, in the later movie, he is friends with a guy with Down syndrome. Like the Peanut Border Falcon. It's like, it's him, it's like a... How do you think he knows that he'd be friends with a retarded person? He was one.

That's what you have to... That's all... He's like, if I was going to be friends of a retired person... I gotta get in their head. That's a hard part, too, though, because like... It makes you tick. The demographic is not watching those movies with them in it. You don't.

I mean, they're not, that's not like, no guy with down syndrome's like, yeah, let me watch I am Sam, you know what I mean? It's not like. Yeah, no, it's like, I was about to make a terrible comparison with it. You know how PETA is saying like you shouldn't use the word bullpen? Oh, because of bulls? Yeah, but it's also like animals, or don't speak English. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But when I make that comparison, I'm saying, yeah, what did you just say? Yeah. What did you just say? Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to compare the to the animal. I get it. Yeah, I get him. Yeah, where do we get off this topic?

It's the weeds, man. I tell every episode I end up talking about mentally challenged people. It's like having a boat and it always goes in the weeds and I try to get us out of the weeds. But it just all roads lead there. You have to go through a little retarded to get out. Exactly. I don't know how we get out. But do we get up by talking about aliens?

I don't know. I breathe that up on every episode. This is the only thing I know. That's the only thing I know. Even more retarded. I'm not following alien news, dude. I don't know what's going on. All I remember is, I think.

dropped those files, they said, yo, aliens are real and now everybody's just like, eh, we don't care. Yeah, nobody cares. Except for Demi Lovato. Yeah, because she doesn't want people to call them aliens anymore. She wants to call them to... Bullpens. Bullpins. Yeah, yeah, just mix it all up. I love, dude, I was talking about conspiracy theories.

I love, I have that one friend who I talked to about conspiracy theories. Yeah. Do you know he is? He's the guy McDougal I'm always just talking to. Okay. He just lives around there. And people with conspiracy theories, some of them will have interstuff. Everything I'll look up that he'll tell me to look up, it just, there's no evidence to it.

He's like, you got to check this out. And then I look it up. I'm like, this is factually incorrect. Right in front of him. He was like, I'll send you the article. And I've never gotten one single article from this guy. I like the idea, though, that the president's a hologram. That's fun to me.

I was like, why would they make such a hologram that has no idea what's going on? You'd assume if it was a hologram that had one like him crushing. Yeah. I remember when they at like Coachella or something, they had the Tupac hologram? Yeah. then they never did that ever again. Yeah, yeah. That was like a huge deal.

We thought it was going to be the future. It was like, every concert is going to have a hologram guy now. I think they shut it down because it was too real at the time. And they're just like, we don't want them to know what we have planned. Yeah,

they use that same technology. Like, you know how you did Tupac? Can you do... Can you do that for us? Yeah, true. It, um, I had to get political,

but that town hall thing was watch. Did you watch the town hall? Which one? It was Biden on the town hall thing. I didn't watch that. He is one thing where he was just like, holding his hands like fists for like two minutes while he's getting interviewed just right in front of him. But somebody edited it where he's got like a jetpack.

And he's like flying out of the frame. It's just fun, man. At this point I'm like, I don't care. I didn't vote for mayor. Who's running? Eric Adams is going to win, right? He did. He did win.

He won. We have a mayor. It's not a plaza. Second black mayor in New York City history. Who's the first? David. Bloomberg. You say Dane Cook?

Who did you say? Dick, yeah. David Dinkins or something. Yeah. Something like that. Dinkins doesn't sound like a black name. Sometimes you gotta have a white name, bro. Sometimes you gotta have a white name.

Sometimes we try to get through these certain places, you gotta have a white. It's funny because... What's the guy's name now? Eric Adams? Yeah. Pretty white. Yeah. I would have been like, oh, this guy's white as shit.

That was something like, yo, you? Well, it's the reverse because de Blasio changed his name from Warner Wilhelm. Yeah. To build de Blasio, which is hilarious. Yeah. And he's from Boston, too, which is just like, we let that happen. We just watched it Yeah

Fucking disgusting Wasn't there someone running named like Harvey Epstein or something Yeah yeah It's like Dude change your name Yeah that's so bad I'll bring honor

To the Epstein name Yeah What's a I don't know A worse one like Ted Cosby is maybe worse I don't know Like what's the first name

Of like a rapist Stalin Hitler Yeah Yeah I guess that Yeah Stalin Hitler Harvey's probably the most like, when you hear that name now, you're like, ah.

If you hear Bill, you're like, anyone could be Bill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bill's still weird, man. Like, I don't feel like I've ever been friends with a Bill. No, I have. Williams, because they're probably Billy or Will or William. But, like, even though, like, they don't, they want you to call them something else. They'll just call me B, bro.

Or, like, they don't want you to call them Bill. Yeah. Yeah, you got to, like, grow into that. You got to be, like, 40 years old. Yeah, even Bill, like, even Bill Burr are still. feel like I'd be comfortable talking him. He's like, even though besides the fact he's Bill Burrs, that that bill part just very much like...

Yeah, because he was in his 20s to point out of like Bill. They was calling him, because he used to call him Billy. Because I feel like, yeah, I want to call him Bill. Like, I don't feel comfortable talking with the bill. Yeah. If you ever talk to him, he should be like, I just calling him Burr. Yeah. That's why people call him Burr. Reminds him a Gucci man.

Like, that's true. Yeah. Gucci's assembling the trap Avengers. That's like his new project. There's got a big walk dog. He's my favorite now. Trapp Avengers The worst though, I was in the car

This week, I was in D.C. And I was trying to show somebody the song and the speaker wasn't working So I had to play it on my phone And nothing sounds worse than playing like And then like putting the phone up to the ear Yeah, just here for this one part And they're like, I guess this is good

I don't know, it's so hard to tell I hate when people are like, can I show you this video And they pull up like a 15 minute YouTube video Yeah Just wait dude I'm like this isn't gonna be interesting to me Yeah, no, that's the word I would just be so bad with that

I'd make my girlfriend watch stand-o specials and just stare at her and every time there's a punchline and I'm like is this you like this? Oh yeah

I've done that with so many people and I realize like most people just don't like stand-up yeah yeah yeah it's weird

it's such a niche thing it's really is yeah in which case it is cool because like there are less people trying to do it

like if you're trying to be an actor it's well it is cool because there are less people trying to do it but there are also so many people

that are trying to do it yeah it's less than acting because Hollywood is a city of people trying to do that yeah that's a set part

heard it a lot of Hollywood is people that like tried to be in like so everybody in the city like never left. So there are people that are like they're trying to be an actor, but then they worked at like Walmart. So now they're like the manager of Walmart was trying to be like every single person was trying to be an actor. Yeah. Or music, but I don't know. I don't know. I should.

I don't know. I feel like musicians have it the easiest though. You think so? Yeah. Because once they have a hit, they could just keep playing that shit and they just add on more hits and more hits and more hits. like actors you still have to go for that next role we have to keep getting better and better we have to still get another joke

we have to keep like we they get to repeat the hits they get to go back to like I wrote this song when I was 18 and I think you guys know it and they start playing the fucking hit like we also got to follow trends fast though because comedy really run a lot of trends I mean I guess doing new jokes but I think the hard part about like music is also probably the easiest one to do it to do alone

if you just have like a microphone you just make a song in your house even though this was resting on his dick dude I have a rash I was telling you about that just keep it under my balls you're a rash on your dick dude

I don't know I don't know why why would you tell me that I went to Cid MD and they told me that so I guess we're better friends they took they took a glance at it and then they were just

the CidMD Oh they said Nick I thought you said Nick took a glance I'm like who's Nick you know my buddy That's such a CDMD if you go to a doctor they're not going to glance at anything

It's so hard to tell the doctor at that point can please look at my longer. You can't be like. I literally was just like, this is a month ago. I didn't tell my girl, I swear on my laughing and her cheat on my girlfriend, but I was like, I just don't want to bring it up.

Wait, was it on your dick or your balls? Dick. Okay. So I was like, I didn't want to bring it up. And so I was like, okay, I won't bring it up. And then finally I brought up to her a couple weeks went by. And I'm like, okay, by the way, I got a rash of my dick. I got to go see a dermatologist.

But I got to pay out of the top pocket. But like, when I went to the CDMT, brother, they just like, look at it. And then she's like, if this isn't gone in two weeks, then go see a dermatologist. And I'm like, I don't have money for them. If this isn't gone in two weeks, he said? Yeah. But you'd had it for a month? Yeah.

Yeah, you just go to dermatologists, maybe. Yeah. If you have insurance. So many doctors misdiagnosed shit, like constantly. I've had one time I was like, I have the flu. They're like, you don't have the flu. And I went to a second doctor. They're like, you have the flu.

And I'm like... I had that with mono. I had mono. I went to doctor and they were just like, you don't, just go home. You don't have mono. I was sick for like two months. and then I went to another doctor and they were like,

you clearly have mono. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, could you like just be a terrible dog? I mean, I don't know how you could just read the right books and I don't know how medical school works.

All I know is that everybody just tries to make sure to get a good lawsuit. That's what I know. I know a kid's mom in high school that like she would just wait for that moment she could just sue the shit out of somebody. So it's like a doctor? Like a doctor,

the city, anything. So it was just like, at that point she taught it was just like, you just keep your eyes open. Just like if they try to, they melt them like, Like malpractice is like the easiest.

I feel like almost like the easiest one to kind of get. You're like, oh, you touch my dick. You're only supposed to touch my balls. That would be awesome to have like to have your balls touch. Like tapped by a city bus or something and just have money for 10 years or something. That'd be awesome. Yeah. I, um, what was I saying?

You know who's back? The white guy with the Reds homeless guy, but he has a haircut now. Yeah, he's only spin kicked me. He's been kicked me a couple weeks ago. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You, yeah. Yeah. You, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Why the fuck you let that happen? I didn't... You don't let somebody spin kick you. They spin kick you and you don't know what to do. You know that guy speaks like five languages?

Yeah. He knows fluent. He always like decent. Are some of them... Hebrew. He does Arabic. Yep. He does French.

I forget what the other ones is English. Something else. Now who's... He's checking him on this. He's also a crazy... When that place... I don't know how to check them on the... Yeah.

When that place, um... Olympia Pita was open. He would go in there. It was fucking amazing. He would go in there and just speak... Hebrew. That's crazy. Like fluent Hebrew.

Dang. And they would give him free stuff just because he was like, they were like surprise. Yeah. He's like, he's homeless. How would he know the language of the people? Especially a redhead. Like, my dad speaks almost fluent Spanish. And so when he starts speaking Spanish, you can kind of see people per couple of

like, oh, I didn't expect you to. I mean, we grew up in Miami. But that scares me, bro, because like, he knows five languages. I know almost five languages. I know almost five languages. What are you best in? See, that means you're going to become homeless? Yeah, that's something.

I'm like, y'all can be, I can still be homeless and know all these fucking languages. For what? To ask for money in like five different ways? Like, no, that's just trash. But yeah, I'm mostly closer to fluent in sign language in Spanish. Okay. Those are pretty convenient ones to know. So convenient.

American sign language is like, that's like the standard, right? When any country, American sign language? There's different versions of sign language everywhere around the... The closest that American sign language would take you is France. Because the person that brings sign language to America was from France. So he bring it over here. And then we have all the... Most of the words and letters are similar to the French sign language.

Okay. But if you speak American or sign American sign language, you could go to most places in the world and talk to a deaf person. Kind of... Yeah, I feel like you can, but then, like, like, J.S. and all those other shit. Are there accents? Like, there's different, like, ways they move their hand. They're like...

Yeah. Now, this is like... Oh, there's like... I feel like there's one, like... like if people are going to be so confused I'm just like, yeah, they're like, oh, that? So you do like a why with your hands. Sometimes this could be New York.

This could be like a hot dog sometimes sounds like another shit in silence. That's got to get confusing. It's a lot of different shit. You're like, that's not when I was saying. I didn't sign that at all. They have their whole hand in your ass. You're like, what is this?

Are you French? Concept of fissing is so crazy to me. It's very like when you see like a... When you see like one of those sailboats inside of like a glass bottle? You're like, how does that get in there? Have you guys ever fisted? No.

Have you guys got close to fisting? No. I feel like I got like four fingers in, but like I never truly... I totally forget that when people hear fisting, they're talking about fisting a vagina. Oh, you think of fisting the ass. I immediately think of anal fisting,

but that's why it's called anal fisting because it's a specific kind of fisting. What is this in sign language? I'm going to try to fisting. This is something of fissing. I've got like three things. This is like the letter B, to be honest. But like, anytime like I, like, we all fingers at a certain point and like we try to see how many fingers you can get in there.

Yeah. Always gets like this part, but like like the knuckles always stop me. Yeah. So I get like here. The door if I had on fist chicks all the time. That's what he was. I was in there with him while he's sounds like I was like, dude, he was just always fisting chicks at the bar. But he would fist girls.

I've talked about before because it's like your dickhead can't hit the same angles because you don't have the same mobility as your wrist. Yeah. So his, like, fist could, like, just hit all the angles to make girls come hard. So was he, like, he had, like, a midget fist or some shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He wouldn't call it that. Do you think guys with nubs are pretty good at just fucking just getting up in there? Basically, just, like, a wide wiener, a nub.

Just no hand. Yeah. Just nub the shit out of her. This is a high-brow podcast. Yeah, this is. If you've no hand, would you even like doing that? So here's the thing about the economy. Do you think you have nerves so you could tell if she was wet?

Like, if you have your hand cut off, you don't have nerves on the... So how do you know if she's enjoying it? I think it's a pure audio thing. What do you mean if she's enjoying it? That's for you? No, yeah. Like, if you're... Why would you need your nerves to know if she's enjoying it?

She'll tell you. Yeah, it should be like, yeah. Unless you're deaf, then you got to... You're deaf with no hands. A woman's worst nightmare, deaf nub guy. He's got to carry right an iPad. and just flash the lights to be like

stop, chill, chill. Are deaf people surprised when you? Oh yeah, they're always surprised because not that many people know sign language, so it's like anytime you bust out like, yo, I remember I was at that, yo, I think someone saw me at the lantern one time. I came in there drunk and I was talking to them and like, they go just like, all right, Derek's there.

And then I know where there's like three girls sit on the corner. And I saw I'm doing silent language. I was like, what is she, what's wrong with her? I just started asking what's wrong with her friends. And they're like, oh, you know, sign language. So we just started having a deal. conversation and then people just start realizing, oh, Derek left to go talk to the deaf people.

They were deaf and then like, we had this whole bunch of things, we just having a conversation. I didn't say they're in the audience at first and everybody's just like bombing. Actually, I did that. I did that a show too. You performed for deaf people and they didn't. No, no, no, I was performing and then like some girls

like, oh, she's deaf and I'm just like, oh, and then we just started, I just started signing to her. Oh, one of the funniest videos real quick. Have you seen the video of those comics, Louis C.K. and Bill Burr do stand up for deaf people. And Patrice. Oh, my God. So funny.

And the jokes are like landing, like, all of them. Yeah. Which surprised me. But those girls, how do you... It probably takes a second to know if people are sign language or just being moving with their hands. I mean, I talk with my hands.

I guess there's a big difference. It's like, you start doing shit like this. Like, you start... When I start, like, if I'm walking in public, I start seeing, like, a lot of hand movement like this, I, you're not Italian. You're just, you're deaf.

Yeah. You're just doing a whole bunch of shit like that. Yeah. Yeah. I was a fucking joke I was like trying to work on. It was like, people say Italian people talk with their hands, but they don't.

Deaf people talk with their hands. Italian people talk with their hands. people talk with their mouths and the loudest people on earth. Yeah. That's so funny because I got, I'm... Mortal story, I got both the deaf girls' numbers. Oh, there you go. I told Leo that joke, and he was like,

at the end, you should do like a deaf Italian voice. Bada boom! Oh, my teacher was deaf and Italian. She was so fucking hot. Really? Yeah, her name is... There's a lot of hot deaf girls. There was a deaf teacher at my high school.

There's a lot of hot every thing, girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, I mean, come on. I think she's the reason why most of the black kids in my school started like a white girl's because she had like a fat ass She was deaf and had a fat ass And we're just like every black guy just knows sign language in a week Yeah

Presby we started like yo like I want to ask these questions bro how do you sign this It was like oh yo bro just say this I'm like oh thank you And we go start talking to her It was fucking dope because one of these girls in the school grabbed their ass one time Like all the guys saw that we're just like

We're good We were so happy It was like beyond comprehension They, remember there's a deaf teacher at my school And everybody just cheated on the test apparently Because they're just yelling out the answers They're like, she's not gonna fucking hear us And they just all got days in the class

Because they're like, we just could always talk And we had to use sign language in class Yeah, dude, if you have your like mouth tucked down Like this like, oh yeah, we say that too We could do that Especially if the teachers' desks Dude, if you had masks, you could nail it. Oh yeah, so kids in school at my old school

During this pandemic They should have been able to cheat better Oh yeah, yeah They should have, oh, the fucking idiots if they didn't You probably Right answers under their masks How could you check that? You could totally have, like...

Oh, you could definitely do that shit. They might tell you that if there's good teachers, they'll be like, hey, let's see your masks. Yeah, yeah. Fat-ass. You could probably make... Are you looking at your deaf teacher? Do you follow her?

Oh. She's deaf as flugs. She's got fat-outy-old. Very attracted to. Yeah. I remember one time she was at a bar. This is like when I was 20 or 26 now, I was definitely 23. And I was at, she was at a bar that I usually,

like, I used to host an open mic. at and I was just there because I got free drinks and then I saw her there I'm like, who's fat ass? Oh that's shit, that's Rita. And back my hell's like, yo, the music's playing, you could just go up behind to like dance on her ass. But then I was just like, let me just be polite. I'm like, yeah, let me not assault this woman.

Yeah, well, it's different. It was good, it was good hip-hop music. You could back up into a girl's ass if it's good hip-hop music. Yeah, but she doesn't know it's hip-hop music. Yeah, but like anything. She doesn't know there's any noise. Yeah, but that's the thing. How am I supposed to know she's deaf or not? You know what I mean? Besides the fact of me knowing her, you know,

you know, yeah. That's crazy about this. Deaf people don't know it. Dig yourself out of this place. More of the story, I didn't do what I thought I was going to do, but like,

it's a thought. Yeah, deaf people don't know it. That's so weird. There's deaf clubs, too. Deaf clubs? Yeah. They just have the base on high. Oh, really?

Yeah. So just kind of like vibrating their faces. Oh, yeah. So, like, yo, this is a good song. I watched you fucking,

this like, that show extreme home makeover. Yeah. They made, this guy built a house for like a deaf family of deaf people. They were all deaf. And in the basement, he just put these massive,

like, woofers. And he's like, when you want to listen to music, just go downstairs and, like, touch the speaker. And then they showed a shot of outside of the house and the whole house was vibrating.

Oh, God. And they were just fucking shit. Yeah, probably having such a good time. White deaf people. That's sweet Carolines. I know that song. Yeah. I'm gonna go downstairs, listen to Joe working.

Yeah, they, I used to go this one concert called Excision. He was crazy dubstep DJ and your face would literally like vibrate when you get on stage. It was like some crazy amount of decibel. I'm gonna be deaf from going to it. But it was like one of those words like, yo, bro, it's like fucking 30,000 P.K. But I was like, nobody really knew. It just sounded cool. We're like this many decibels, bro, that's going to be incredible.

They get fucked. You got fucked up off of the vibrational. bro. Yeah. Well, especially if you're on Molly and your face is vibrating you're just like,

ah, yeah. I'd go to these clubs sober and shit and like if a good, like it's loud vibrations, I'm just kind of like, yo,

I'm chilling here. Yeah, yeah. Like when it's, if I could have any disability that being deaf would probably be one of the better ones to have.

Yeah, you get superpowers. Being blind seems so complicated. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. At least being deaf, I don't like,

I don't care. You'd be like pretty independent. Yeah. Actually, I'd rather not my sense of smell. But, like, you know, something. Yeah, that does not count. Well, that, if you lose your sense of smell,

you also lose your sense of taste. Now, but if you lose your sense of smell, that means you can't. It's not in every case. There's certain tastes you can't have, but it's like... Like what? Do the worst ones? Yeah.

Like salty and nuts. Yeah. You can only taste balls. Can you please that put balls on my hot dog? How did it know? Yeah. Three weeks ago. I lost my taste years ago.

I can't smell any things. Just cover the hot dog and pubes. Yeah. You eat a restaurant. You're like, I can taste this. Who's putting balls on my fucking sandwiches back there? I've worked in restaurants. I've never actually seen somebody do that.

But that's a funny idea. Like in waiting where they just do this disgusting shit to people. Raw. Raw dick on their fucking steaks. Yeah. I never fucked food. Have I fucked food? No, I got it.

05. It would be the wrong at that time. That was a Ruben sandwich. You remember the first? first nuts you guys had? First nuts? The first nut. I didn't.

Yes, I did. I do, I do. Good time. Because it was, I jerked off before I could come. Same for like a year. And I would pee afterwards and I thought that was me coming.

I was like, oh, busting a fat load. And I just pee into the toilet. I only did it a couple times. I was like, there's not wrong. But that was the best, it felt better to come without, I don't know,

there was a different kind of orgasm where you come and your body just like, yeah, because they didn't know what to do. It's your body fighting and be like, just go play Legos or something, Dude, my first come was in Europe, though, because I... What the fuck is up with... I love this. Go, go, go, go.

I went to Europe, and then I jerked off, and just the little tear came out. And I was like, oh, I guess I'm coming down. I was like, that's coming, yeah. And you went and put, like, a lock on that romance fence in Paris or something. Oh, yeah. My first orgasm. Oh, yeah, I came at the map in this. Dude, I did this fucking...

The show, Me and Eli do? we did one and there were all these people in the room we were just asking him like their jobs and this one guy his job was like moving expensive pieces of art from like museums to private collections and shit just like moving them around we were like when you're alone with the art

like do you ever do anything he's like oh yeah I rub my balls on them every time like Picasso's like fucking million dollar pieces of art he just rubs his dick and balls all over I would do the same thing I respect that so much it's awesome it's a big F you to rich people well fuck I love it oh yeah dude because it's also like he is the only one that knows about it

it's like it's not physically affecting the art it's just like my balls are on there my balls are on that which you know how satisfying it's probably is like him watching them like put it up and then they go I'm so glad I can finally put my hand on it like that's where my nuts was at yeah have like a guy come in and like test the paint to see how old is there's something and he's like one of the artist's eyelashes fell in no that's a keeps thing I was talking about The last episode How like I went to an art museum

I went to a museum Drunk last weekend Way worse than being high Being high is so cool Museums being drunk Is the lame and shit Everything you've not interested In anything

It's just the boring shit Yeah Do you like to take like mushrooms It's a fucking That's like really fun It's a fucking whale At the museum Yeah this shit is gay

Just keep walking around Now when I did take an edible And went to the museum Of natural history That was cool Because it was an edible And I look The whale was just so baby

me and my girlfriend looked at it for like an hour. Like it's so big and it's a whale. Yeah. It's so cool. Yeah. I love gut. Like, you go there and half the exhibits are like, you're just looking at a diorama.

Yeah. It's not, you're not seeing like a dinosaur bone. You're just seeing like a stuffed walrus. Yeah, yeah. It's like, it's cool. I don't know.

I don't believe in dinosaurs. It's like cooler Madame Tussauds. No dinosaurs for you? No. I'm a, what's it called a creationist? Oh. Yeah.

I want to just pick something like that and stick with it. There's something that, some conspiracy that doesn't really affect anybody, but I'm like, there's just no way the dinosaurs were real. Yeah. Those are always interesting to me. I don't know? Because don't we, like, not really know what they look like.

Like, we're just kind of putting bones together. We just, like, change it every few years. They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, who cares? Who gives a fuck? Yeah. I fuck with it. I can't.

You care if they look like reptiles or? I care a little bit. Like, I really, like, everybody at times they, like, all the times they be like, yo, dinosaurs don't really. look like that, blah, blah, blah. And I get so mad because, like, they already put the image in my head. I'm like, I need this to be it. Yeah, you know what I mean? T-Rex has to look like that. They should remake

a Jurassic Park with just like chicken-looking dinosaurs. Well, they say the noises, too. They say their voices sounded more like birds because they were like birds. That's like the theory that they were more like. Yeah. I mean, it's just what a chicken sounds like. You ever heard? Maybe it's a recording. A lot of bass on it.

Or like what Abraham Lincoln's voice sounded like? No. It's like horrible. Really? It's like, you can't even listen to it. It's so annoying. It's like, it's like,

it's like, it's like a preteen. I would love if you sounded like that, that gay rug salesman. This is just kind of, I like the southern, there's a bunch of characters

and movies sounds like that. Hey, y'all, how's it going? That's what a-blinking said. Oh my God, my hat is so fancy. It's got these little things on it. I hope I don't get shot in the head.

He was from the South, right? They fucked up my beard again. Where was you from? It's from a log cabin. Everybody was from Virginia back. I don't know. Everything else was on fucking unclaimed territory.

Of course everybody was from Virginia. He looks like a chimpanzee. He had like a facial disorder, right? He had some sort of bone issue. That's why his face is so long. Well, he was like, he was probably the tallest guy in the 18-19-old. That's why he elected. He was like, he was like six-four or something.

It's crazy. He was like, there's no one going to be ever bigger than him in our life in time. And he was like, yeah. Eddie, you just had like a disease. Bro, do you know that guy on McDougal street that looks exactly like Abraham? Lincoln. There's some dude that looks like Abraham Lincoln. I would have noticed that. Yeah, yeah, very noticeable person.

You know, selling tickets to the comedy store or the comedy show. And have you ever, like, started selling people tickets? And then midway through, you realize they're completely insane, but you're like midway through the sale. Like, I had this guy he's walking. It was like a broken robot. Like, he just stopped and just stared off in the distance in the middle of our walk. And I started talking to him.

And then there he goes, oh, yeah, so we're going to the comedy show. I'm like, this is not good. And then somehow he found us. Like, I was like, I got to go. And I left. And I just see him at the bar. And at the bar, they're like, God damn it, you invited the Abraham Lincoln guy. That guy's always a disaster.

That's good. But that's like even not just selling tickets forever. When you talk to a stranger, it's like half the time they're completely out of their mind. Yeah. Yeah. So when you engage with someone you don't know. The moment they stop for Dubai, take it from you, you're like 50-fifty chance this person's crazy. Oh, yeah.

Especially when they like stop short and you're like comedy show and they're like, what? Yeah. Ah, shit. You're a fucking crazy person. Oh, yeah. I'm still trying to find this Abraham like a voice thing though I'm very curious

Does it look like any of these? I mean it could be any of them I'm gonna go back to looking at my high school teacher Go ahead I had my Italian teacher in high school was like She was also super hot and had a huge ass She wasn't deaf though

She's She actually taught Italian I thought the deafness made her ass fat Thank you That's where all the words are All the words she would ever say in her lifetime With her fucking mouth Oh it's her ass

It's like a camel's hump filled with water. The doctors were like, listen, bad news about your kid. She's going to have a fat ass. She can't hear also, but I mean, I like to start with the positive part of it. Oh, man. Yeah, I remember, like, reading some of that. I listened to the voice recording or, like, the recreation. I read this article about how he was, like, a great speaker,

which is remarkable, like, extra remarkable, because he was like impossible to listen to. His voice is so annoying. You ever hear a comic on stage and you're just like just just this person's voice is just annoying. I know one that has very funny voice like jokes but their voice is kind of all over the place.

And you're like, oh, this is hard. And they're not even trying. I'm like, that's tough. It's gonna be fucking bad. I hate when I hear like a person with really bad. Like, oh, I don't know. And now I'm thinking about their voice. Like, oh.

Some people have permanently affected your voice. So you naturally. have a deep voice, but some people, their voices, like they fake deep for like years and then this is who it is now. And you could tell that they've like put effort into it. And the point now they can't really go back because they're like stuff like that. I like the same, so I wouldn't want to ruin my beautiful voice.

Yeah, well, there are like people that have deeper voices, but like you could tell they started from high, like they're forcing their high voice to be deep. I don't know how to describe it, but. Yeah. Well, there are also some people that have a deep voice, but it just doesn't fit them at all. Yeah. Yeah. So you hear them talking, you're like, that's, that's weird.

You put that together. there are weirdly high-voiced fat people. Somebody like Ralphie Mae, there are like, what? You know? It's just funny, like, when God was making that person, they were like, I'm going to make you so funny, man. Even when you're going to be serious, they're going to fucking laugh. You can be crying, giving a speech at a funeral, everyone's going to laugh.

You're too sad. You guys! My mom! Yeah. Oh my God. I get told I have a radio voice a lot. I think it's also because I'm like comedy show guys. I do like a fake voice for that really.

You also like anunciate. Like I can clearly understand what you're saying and your voice isn't annoying. Put emphasis, yeah. Yeah. I'm also good at speaking pretty fast. Oh, okay. That's good.

Yeah. I had to do, I'm trying to do like an audio transcription online to make extra money. Oh, your voice would be perfect for that. No, no, no, no. audio to text. Oh, so you listen to stuff and you text? So I've had to do like words per minute exercise and shit. It's fine. It's the worst. It sucks so much.

Oh, yeah. But like, like, do you ever met someone who's like a really, are you fast hyper? No, I'm very fast typeer. What's your words per minute? I never checked. I just don't fast. Fastest type or east of the Mississippi. Never been tested, but I just know. I just know I'm fucking fast.

Dude, that's the best. I've talked, was it, you just talking about, you have the joke about it. Somebody has a joke about it, but I've talked to me about that where they say they're really good at something. and they're like, have you tried it? They're just like, no, but I can. Come on, bro. They just, I'm a natural. Yeah, like you haven't done this thing once. Shit, boy, you know I'm good at this.

I get into so many conversations with people like that about stand-up. People who've never done stand-up and they're like, I'd fucking murder every time. I'm like, how would you know that? Yeah, you have no way of telling. It's so much different than just saying something funny to me right now. Oh, 100%. But then there's also, I do so many people that could do stand-up. Like, I know some hilarious, like,

Half my friend group back home is way funnier than me. Like, they're very funny. Yeah, they're funny people. But it's like they don't want to take the time to focus on stand-up. They can't take the time to focus on stand-up, but also they're just not built for that. Yeah, we're built for it. We're fucking built for. That's how I'll give us a compliment.

Let's go. Like, since I was like a kid, it always made sense, like, at this as a career path. Yeah. It's like, if you're funny, you just work hard, you can make it. And to anyone else in my life, they're like, that's a terrible idea. Like, even funny people, there's. just, it doesn't make any sense. How would you ever make money?

Oh, yeah. Well, also, the funny part of a stand-up is, the more you do it, the more failures at stand-up you see. Not funny people. But when you first start it, you're like, Dave Chappelle, he's funny, he does it. Louis Cicca, they're funny, they do it. Funny people do stand-up, they work on, they do it. And then you find all the middle ground. We're like, oh, this guy's been working for 30 years.

He's hilarious, and he has no career at all. Oh, yeah. There's like, and you keep meeting more and more people like that. You're like, you're hilarious. You're like, oh, fuck, I am. It's not just to his career, Pat. It's like, this could be a total disaster. This could be a, yeah, this is a marathon, for real.

Yeah. Fucking, that's what, what's his? Alvin told me that once when I was like starting getting booked on shows. And I was like, it's a straight line from here. Like, I was so cocky about it. And he was like, dude, the further you progress through this, the more, the further you realize you have to go. 100%. There's so much, like, you don't even realize you have to do yet.

Oh, yeah. My favorite is, I thought, if I did like a certain amount of shows a week, I was like, I'll just be way better. And you realize you're like, no. It's like, there's so much. Like, it takes so long to get good at it. You can be doing three shows a night for a month and just not feel good at all. Like, not feel like you're getting better. Not, like, not getting funnier.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's, it's really it. I love it, though. You do it for those, you know, those moments when, like, old black lady touches your shoulder like, baby, and you'd be like, hmm, thank you.

Like, you just need a little baby. He'd be like, all right, tomorrow's joke's going to be even better. Can I come over for dinner? She's like, that's not what I meant at all. You just look like you needed it. Chow. I had a bomb last night. People still were like, great show.

I'm like, no, it was not. Wait, which show did you move? I did the eight, the ten, and the midnight. So which one are you both? All three. But my new joke was working. Yeah. That's all that really matters too.

Because you're like, you know how easy is to like dust off a bomb? Depend on the bomb. But like, you know, like, I'm capable of so much more, even though I'm doing this right now. As long of those new jokes hit, Those three times? Yeah, because I was like, oh, the old jokes.

I was like, I think this is funny. But I'm glad you guys still laughed at the new one. Yeah. I don't mind bombing with newer material. Like, if I, I know I have, like, a lot of material I could break out that could make most people laugh at any moment. So if I do, like, 10 minutes and I just eat it with new shit, I like feel okay. You know what pisses me off? The worst when you do your best shit and people aren't laughing.

Oh, yeah. That's the worst. Yeah, and you're like, oh, fuck, I got nothing. Because your head gets hot. Your head gets hot when you start bombing. Yeah. Yeah, the thing that pisses me off is when you kill with a new joke and you're, like, like, fuck, I didn't record this.

How I'm gonna replicate this. Oh, yeah. I'm like, I'm like, this is how I said it, right? I'm just like, yo, I'm fucked because this shit is not gonna. Yeah, well, you gotta do that. But sometimes with new jokes, I'll do that. But with riffs, I don't even try to replicate it. Sometimes a rift, you're like, you'll try to replicate it.

You're like, yeah, last night there was a guy with a green shirt in the front row, right? And then he was like, what's up, man? And I'm like, what are you stupid? Why are you talking about a completely different night? We don't know who the fuck you're talking about. I've always want to do like really bad crowd work on purpose

be like oh look at this guy yellow hat huh yellow hat this idiot got your shoes tied in row two look this guy

shoot that look at this guy shoot at I would be laughing very hard if you did that that would you'd have to

buzz cut buzz cut front row this guy comes to a comedy show it has a buzz cut who does that sometimes you will see take a hint

go home and grow your hair Yeah. Sometimes they can be so in the palm of your hand with crowdwork. He'd say literally nothing. End up, he's talking to me. Oh, yeah. Which I'm guilty of.

I'm guilty of the buzz cuts up. Oh, all right. Well, we got a couple more minutes. Is there anything you guys want to promote? Let him go first. Yeah, yeah. Watch rent money on YouTube. Me and Dan Carney made it.

Oh, I subscribe to when I like it. Very funny. You liked it? Yeah, very funny. I appreciate that. No problem. I have a show in Harlem every Sunday called Brown Sugar Comedy. It's a brunch show at 6 o'clock, so it doesn't really count it at brunch.

But yeah, come through. And also this Friday, even though this is probably not going to be up, me and my boys, Underground's End, we're going to do a theater, crane theater. Yeah, so that would be dope. Okay, perfect. So if you have a time machine when this is released in two weeks, go back and see Derek's show. If I get an influx of people saying, Michael Gusset, I know you're from the future. Yeah, that's pretty fucking cool. I like that.

Blue fucks home for more. All right. Thank you. Bye. Thank you.