Morning Good - Hidden Figures - Episode 238

Episode Date: September 22, 2024

Humzah Azeem and Paddy Defino join the show for today's episode. They talk about the difference between gooning and edging, the Connecticut Chimp Attack, and real life Dr. Doofenshmirtz.Thanks to Humzah and Paddy for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes of the show and click their links down below for more.Paddy is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and hosts News From Bed on YouTube. Humzah is on Instagram as well @humzahazeemAs always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. Well, this is a pro-white. Oh, is it running? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Humma Zizim, good to see you. And Patty Defino.

Good to see you. Great to be seen. Yeah, yeah. Finally here, man. Yeah, I'm, uh, dude, I don't know, man. A little grouchy trying to shake the grass. I woke up, like, itchy. You ever just wake up itchy?

Yeah. And then you just hate the day. Yeah. Dude, because some, and then I think that there was a mosquito in my room all night, but there wasn't. And so now I'm just itchy, but I don't know why. Yeah. Do you ever get that with your feet when you've had socks on for too long? Yeah, but it's like, it's more of it just feels like somebody's tickling me.

And I'm just like, stop on, but it's just my skin. Oh. Getting tickles. Is Groucho Marx and Carl Marks related? No. Like, is Groucho like the not so serious brother? Dude, I don't even know who that is. I have a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde, a very goofy guy and a very angry guy.

Yeah. They collide at some point. But also, I'm wearing the goofiest shirt. So for me to be angry right now, it's just insane. Yeah, you're winning, like, the uniform of the bowling team that loses in the finals. Yeah. Or I look like a 70s game show host right now. Yeah.

True. And I was just like, before you were getting here, I'm just like angrily cooking eggs and eating them. I was like, I don't even need to fucking ketchup on these. That's crazy. That's crazy. No salt pepper.

You literally just put the eggs. Is it crazy? People have sex with dolphins. Is it crazy to eat eggs without ketchup? Is it crazy? No, not without ketchup. I said without seasoning, bro. I don't eat eggs with ketchup.

What do you throw on there? Salt pepper. Maybe I throw some garlic powder, some onion powder, some cayenne. A little jizz on eggs. That's out there. I freeze my cum and then I freeze my cum and then I put it over like one of those cheese graters. You know what I was thinking?

I would never freeze my cum in the ice cubes we had in the fridge. But I'm like, there's got to be something between me putting water in there and me putting cum in there to prank you guys. You know what I mean? There's got soap. Yeah, but then he's like drinking.

That seems like really bad. I don't know. Like milk could be funny. Yeah. But what if he's going to drink some cold milk and he's going to put some ice cube milk in there? Then it works. Yeah.

What if my hot chocolate is a little too hot? The perfect thing. I think soap would be good in between. He's acting like soap is like on the level of calm. Well, soap is... My mouth wrenched out with soap when I was a kid.

Right. And it would be a good prank, right? Maybe. Maybe Patty would start speaking. You know, he learned a lesson. He'd say less bad words. Yeah. I'd probably say the least bad words

out of anyone you've ever met. I don't think that is not true. I think I might. Offstage. You might say the least? Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll do some text messages. When I'm in, like, the silence of my domain, let's say, I'm not, like, even thinking about bad words. I say them so much. I think bad words all the time. Oh, really? I don't say them not directed. I'll say cunt and faggot if I, like, stub my toe. And it's just, like, nothing related to anything.

I'm just like... Yeah. Which, those are the two toes that you tend to... Yeah. But it's like, I'm not... Nothing's just, like, I don't know why. I think there's something where it's, like, you're not... supposed to say these words.

So when I'm angry, just some sort of like, there's some rebellion inside of me that's just like, yeah, I don't know. It's not a great, not a great thing, but it's just like, I've called my laptop that out of anger. And it's no sexuality type of way. There was, uh, I think it was Justin Thomas. He was like, he's a golfer and he like missed a put by like a three or four foot put.

And like, as he missed it, he just goes fat. He's like fucking fat. And he's like miced up. And it was like a huge thing. Yeah, the mic next to the green was like right next to him. So it like... The hard bars, there's no word

that sounds like faggot. It was actually saying something else. It was like high fidelity to. Yeah. But it wasn't his thing. He's like, no,

no, I was calling myself a faggot because I hate myself. I just remember him being like, yeah, like I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that. But I love when they say that because it's like,

oh, I'm sorry I said that or whatever. But it's like, I mean, you say it and you're going to keep saying it. It's like, we all know that. Yeah,

it doesn't really make sense to apologize. I mean, I don't know why they need to apologize. when everybody knows they don't mean it. You know what's the point? You know he still says it.

You know he said it before. You know it wasn't a one-time thing. He's not sorry. He just got made to say sorry. But I don't know. But I really don't know like why. I think that's why like the English people like in like Britain and stuff are more advanced than us because they invented these words that just sounds silly that just replace.

Like they'll just go bollocks. Yeah. And everyone's like, oh, that's fun. That's family friendly. Yeah. Well, it's insane. In the United States, we don't even have, like, gendered, or insults are so gender. Like, you can't call a woman an asshole. You have to call her a bitch. You can't call her a dick. You have to call her a cunt. There's no, like, things become more than they have to be, you know. But then if you call a guy a pussy, they're like, they hate that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, because that's gender, you can't call a woman a pussy. You can be like, she's being a pussy about that.

Kind of true. Yeah, that's kind of true. That woman's being a woman about. You know what I mean? There's no. That woman is acting appropriately. this moment. Yeah, I don't know, man. But I think I'm gonna be fine. Yeah, I just like, just that fucking, that, that itchy feeling.

I don't know, just feeling very itchy today. Yeah, that's tough. Dude, did you shave recently or something? No. I think I was just giggling. He's like, what is this fucking rubber? That's a good question. No, I did not.

Do you get a haircut? Let's not go through. There's more important things. But when I take my stockings off after like a long day, it gets like The hell are you talking about? I have to wear these

like compression socks Oh for your blood thing Yeah And then it gets like super itchy But it's kind of fun It's like something you get to look forward to Just like fucking scratch it Oh like scabs

Scab is the fucking bad I sometimes will do that sort of thing With my contacts Where I'll leave them in for a little bit Because I know that when I take them out It'll be so nice to just rub my eyes down Yeah That's where I keep a cucumber in my anus every day

because they go to do, when I get home and take this thing out, I'm going to feel lovely. It's going to feel great. And all this poop is going to come out. Yeah. It's just been blocking it up. Oh, man. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, the big news thing is the, uh, did you see what Israel did to, uh, Hasbola?

I heard, look, I heard different things from different people. I heard, I don't know where you get your news. I heard the Jews are blowing up phones now. That's what, that's what's going on. But that's the, but I know literally nothing else about the story. So I guess like the pagers that Hasbola, used, like, the Israel intelligence intercepted it. Intercepting, like, the package?

What was that? Is this in Lebanon? I thought I saw something about Lebanon. Intelligence is such a funny word, because they're just like, we're the smart guys of Israel. Like, the CIA, they're like, we're the most intelligent of the... It's such a weird, I don't know why I never thought about this. It's just an adjective intelligent. They're like, we're the intelligence. Yeah.

Yeah, but I guess, like, they intercepted it and then just put a bunch of explosives in each of the pagers and then, like, resealed them, and then just detonated them all. Yeah, I heard a Jewish guy say otherwise, but... What did the Jewish guy say? The Jewish person... Like, I said, it's just saying the Jew. The Jew. I had a Jewish friend who say, like, no, Hasbullah just had these fucking things that just went off.

No. Look, I'm not... I'm pretty sure Israel admitted to it. They're like, yeah, we fucking did. Wait, so what's the pagers? Like, what, how did they get the pagers? The best message is like, girl, are you a pager because you're exploding in my pants? Sorry, make me explode my pants.

I was like, that's awesome. I saw one where it was like, call me Israel the way that Jewish girls are blowing up my phone or something. That is really funny. Yeah, I think, yeah, they just stole the package like after it was like in the middle of the delivery. It was just like a regular pager, like, oh, like I'm calling Patty

and I'm going to page patty. Yeah, you could like order it on Amazon. Because if they use cell phones, then they think the Israel intelligence can like hack it easier. Evidently, Pager's not safe either. No. There's nothing safe.

There's nothing safe around. Letters. You always see that guy, he's like, I'm off the grid. It's like, you're probably not off the grid. They're probably, I want to say that next time I see somebody with an off the grid phone. Be like, actually, they're probably tracking you because you tried to go.

Dude, dude, Nick Hill tried to go. I respect it. He tried to get a light phone. I get that. I get that. Dude, what do you mean, you respected? He had it for literally, I think, like, two days. Yeah.

I think he had it for two days. And then the next week I saw him, he just has iPhone. He's like, yeah, man, couldn't do it. He's just trying to whack off to the text of the word boobs. Yeah, 8008 or whatever. He got me show go. It was like, I was telling him.

There was some like roast jokes. We're all writing roast jokes. And you know, you just go to stereotypes of roach jokes. Like, all right, the stereotype of the Indian people are like smelly. He goes, what? You know how there's like a stereotype. Nikiel said that or Patty said that? No, Nikil.

You know how there's like a stereotype by there the Indian. guys are somebody goes, dude, what do you? What? People are saying that, are you serious? He just stops the whole thing. We're like, yeah, I'm not saying I'm saying it. I'm just saying it's a stereotype out there. He's like, dude,

what? And then he was totally fucking with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It made such an awkward situation. I was like, yeah, that's a common stereotype for Indian people who's like, that we are smell, people are saying that about us? And he's like, that's so good. And he just made you think that you were the only one saying it for

something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you had, like, made it up and we're being, like, super racist in the moment. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good, man. Yeah, yeah. He's, he's funny in that way. Yeah, he's so, yeah, he's such a goon, dude. Yeah, I don't have his podcast because he smells too much, but outside of that, that's true. Gooning is, like, being funny, but also just whacking off to, like... I hate that that's what that means. Right. I say goonin, like, all the time. Yeah. Because, like, I say goon and goob to like I goon for real dude

I'm going to I'm gooning in there dude I'm fucking by the way I'm angry and I fucking whacked off twice today yeah but that's just whacking a gooning is like when you like dress up as a girl and like like pig tails no it's not but it's like super like really weird specific

I just I didn't put a robe on and jerk off like gargum I look like gargamel from the smurfs that bad guy I'm just like in a corner like you look like a sex offender in the company of your own home. Yeah, yeah, Eric, why's you wearing a trench coat in his own room jerking off? Yeah. I thought Gooning was just

like excessive masturbating. I think it's like, yeah, it's like that and like, I think it's like whack it off to guys, but you're not gay or something. That's crazy. Edging is when you don't come, gooning is apparently what you just keep coming. That's also me, it's like, when you're a gooner

and edgers world, and it's just a guy walking out looking all like stuff. So like, edging, edging and gooning like exist on the spectrum. room on the same spectrum. Yeah, if you're coming, you're gooning. If you're not coming, you're edging. You're edging. But I edge to a goon and then I edge more and then I goon.

Yeah. You're just talking about masturbating. Dude, I have a roll of paper towels. I'm edging to gooning. It's like, so you're just masturbating. You're just disgusting. I have a roll of paper towels in my room as if I'm like eating wings in there. Like this side of my bed is just paper towels.

Like used paper towels or like, there's, dude, there's some crumpled up one's Jesus. Wait, you're saying they're on the ground, like, are you just, like, shooting it off, like, onto it? No, I'm saying, by my bed, I just have a role of one of these things, as if, like, this is a restaurant at my place where I just use it. That's crazy, dude. I had a friend in high school who used to, like, who, like, we went into his room one time,

and he just had, like, a bunch of different, like, clothing items that were, like, stiff. Oh, yeah, dude. I bought, like, a shirt. It was, like, he had run out of socks, so he came in a hat. What? Yeah. That is what kind of hat was it? It's a top hat.

It was the sorting hat from Barrypies. Slytherin! Slytherin! That's crazy. My thing is, though, I'll buy funny t-shirts, and then they just become comrades. Like, I got this Bugs Bunny one. It's like a gangster Bugs Bunny.

It's like bad bunny. And I'm like, this is like a funny, silly shirt to wear. That you can never really wear anywhere. Right, yeah. And then I'm like, oh, now I've figured out. Why can't you wear that to, why can't you wear that to perform? I can. I might.

I probably won't. Dude, he's wearing this. shirt and he's talking about, oh, I have some shirts I can't wear in public. So I'm switching over to this to a hoodie with no t-shirt underneath because I have no clothes right now. My room is just dirty clothes and come rags. And just fucking dis- But this is what I'll do. It'll get disgusting for two days and then I'll clean it up like very presentable. And then how long does it take to get back to the two days of disgustiness?

You just give me two work days and I'll get it there. So then it, so you have one, you have one day of solace. of solace, and then it's just dirty all the time. No, no, no, no. I'll do, like, probably, like, uh, like I would say, like, weekends come around, like, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. My room's looking pretty good. Okay. But then I'll use my lunch break to jerk off when I'm working.

And you just, like, pull all of your clothes out of the drawers and like, like, it's like the Tasmanian devil. There's also, the way my life is run is so too, too, I sound like, I sound like, fucking entertainer right now. The way I run things is very cool. Set up my lifestyle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. R-I-P, Richelmie Kwan, dude. I heard that. Yeah.

Yeah. Lifestyle. That's young. Oh, is that the guy? Is that the guy? Is that the... No, he's rich homie Kwan is in there. I'll bet you on it. Okay. So what is that, young thug?

If you showed up late and you're mixing up rich homie Kwan and... Dude, I can't believe... I can't believe how dumb he's about to look after talking about how much... Ready? I heard him say, Rich Homer, bro. Rich, homie, thugga, thugger! Nah, it's actually... Why do you have to play it and not just look at the name?

Yeah, aren't the names in there? It's young thug and Hulk Hogan. Yeah, so... Hulk Hogan. All right. I could easily just pull it up, but I'm not even going to, because I know that you know that I'm right.

Yeah, don't embarrass yourself on my podcast. You already showed up there. I showed up... I showed up... You were the one who said the N-word last time. I said N-G and then ER afterwards, which is a different word. All right, well, I'm just saying.

But Apple corrected it. it to the N-word. I think you said N-G-N-G-R afterward. That's the same thing. No. No. I don't know. But we're not going to rehash it.

No, no, no, no. Let's get into it again. Again. Let's have the same podcast again. By the way, we're not the first ones to make that mistake. I recently heard another podcast where people were saying, Negg. And then, well, oh, this is. But there's came after ours, though, right?

Yeah, they listened to it. And, yeah. They copied us. You hear me, Dan Soder and Louis J. Gomez. It was them? Yeah, yeah, but it's a very... They plagiarized us, dude. Yeah, I should sue them for that.

Yeah, we should. But Apple, like, has a translate thing where it translated to... Transcribed. Transcribed. It looked like I said the N-word. I'm like, no, I did not. You can listen very closely. Yeah. Apple just wants you to do that. Yeah. Apple wants to cancel you for your... Steve Black Jobs.

I love when Trump says that. Black Jobs. Yeah. That sounds like slavery. He's the best, dude. He doesn't have the juice anymore, though. No, he definitely. That last one, I was like, oh,

who's our guy. Yeah. He was not there, dude. Is your dad a Trump guy? No. Okay, I'm not. I'm brown. Most brown people are not Trump guys.

You say that, dude. There's some that they like him. Yeah, but, I guess, yeah. Who's your dad? Your dad's a Kamala dad? No, I think, I think, yeah. He said. He said, gay.

I think our family is going to be neither this time. Right, yeah, they don't want to vote for because she's black. Right, no. It's actually because she's Indian and we're Pakistani. I don't think we'll ever have a black president.

We already... I don't think there's a chance. There's no chance. Obama wasn't, and Kamala's not either. I mean, he's black. Who is not? He's not, though, right?

He's black on the basketball I don't think he's black. I think it's like he's, you know, kind of like anonymously dark. Yeah. Like when you... Like when you go to like a Chinese buffet and you get like the chicken or whatever.

I don't know if this is steak or chicken or pork. You take a bite and it's like gray inside. That's the Obama chicken. Is that how we should find out what race he really is? Eat him? We should have a bite of Obama. Camel Harris, are you black or you're going to give a taste. It tastes like cocoa butter.

Black. Yeah. If it tastes like curry. If it smells bad. It tastes like... Dude, there was a dude. There was a... If it tastes like cum...

I was going to say, if it tastes like Michelle's cock. Yeah. Yeah. There's no... Michael's cock. Michael. That's right. Yeah.

I love the people that think that's how Joan Rivers got murdered. By Michael Obama? Yeah. Yeah. So... Wasn't she like 98? Yeah, well, she had a surgery. I don't know what she was doing at that point.

She was just like, her face was just like, ah! And then she's like, eh, I need to get a little tighter skin. Yeah. Or she got like a necklift or something like that when she was like 90 something. But there's a video for her. She's going, we've already had a gay president. Barack Obama, Michelle Obama's a man. And then she like died and people were like, dude, it's good.

I love that, dude. She's got the fucking truth, dog. Can't talk shit about Obama, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so many too, because it's like so many people would have been murdered by now if that's, if they were... Oh, yeah. Well, they can't, I mean, they got a pick and choose. That's true.

Like Joan Rivers is too powerful. Yeah, she was. Honestly, she was a prominent figure. And what I mean, a prominent figure, I mean? Good gun goes. That's a figure. Yeah. I always thought the movie Hidden Figures was about, like, two black women who have, like, voluptuous bodies, but hide it with, like...

That's crazy. Science coats. I'm tired of... Hide in my big old black tithers. At NASA. She shows up, she shows up naked one day. She's like, I'm done with this. They're like, this wasn't an issue.

These are my B-32 bombers. We're sending them to the moon. Randomly, you guys are like, wait a second. And he just solves the equation to get them to the moon. Just try looking at it. I've never seen that movie for, like, I have no reason to see that. I think you said obvious reasons. Well, what is?

It's not, like, exciting. I saw it, I think. I think I saw it, but I can't remember where. It's like a movie about, like, math. Like, that's boring and shit. But I'd imagine there has to be. math, it's about three black women breaking the barrier. Ooh, exciting.

But I got to imagine. Coming from the guy who said Obama's not black. Can you believe this? And that we're never going to have a black president. Yeah, he could never get us to the moon. This guy's a racist. I have a, I've never seen the movie, but there's got to be a scene where they're like, oh, you want to go to the moon?

Well, has this some cheese up to you something? It's really funny. Well, how are we going to get to the moon? We're going to fly around. I ain't getting in no rock and going to no moon. A white boy up. Oh, you're going to send a white boy. It's crazy you said that because that's actually exactly what the movie is.

Yeah, yeah. I was talking about this. Did I tell you this? This is how dumb I was when I was a kid. You're in the movie Men and Black? Yeah. You know how you always get mixed up like sex in the city and stuff like that? It's actually sex and the city or whatever.

Right, right, right, right. I thought when I was a kid, I thought it was a racist title. It was Man and Black. I thought Will Smith was Black and the other guy, they're like, well, there's man. there's black and then there's aliens. I thought they were saying like, oh, I see what you said.

They're like, man as Tommy Lee Jones's man. Well, who is Martin Lauren? Yeah, I was like, I was like, he's black. I guess he's man, but I was like, this is kind of fucked up. Yeah. There is a thing that when you're a kid and there's like something in the title that has to do with like one of the people, you're like, oh, that's what that's about. Yeah, yeah, well, it's in and it's in and in the city. Yeah, yeah.

And it's a very small little word they put in there. Yeah. And you say both of them like just. the letter N. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Men and sex and, like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like, I remember as a kid, I was like,

oh, that's kind of weird that they would, okay, I guess that's, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because it's like men. And then the little thing, and then black. Yeah, so you're like black men. Yeah, I kind of confused men and black and bad boys for a second, to be honest. Yeah, you said Martin Lawrence.

Yeah, so I just wanted to clear that out. No, no, that's just blacks. Yeah, that's what it's called. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just called black men. Yeah, black and men. Black, yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw the new one of those.

I've never seen a single one of those before. It was fun. It was bad, but it was fun. But it was like the funny bad, right? Like, where they're trying to make it. New wraps are like incredible, dude. It's so fun. Yeah.

It's like the worst thing ever created on Earth is like the new... I don't think I've heard any of this. Martin Lawrence just looks like someone like squeezed them really hard though. Yeah. Because he's like, I guess he's been drinking a lot. Oh, okay. But he was like kind of in rough shape during the movie. But like, the whole point.

plot of the movie kind of hinges on this like prehistoric albino crocodile that like really like that's like a very important part of the movie that they just kind of throw in at the very end and I just didn't I like I don't know it's just it was just

stupid but I guess but people loved it in the theater because I think people there's been like what four of these movies yeah yeah yeah so people like there was another one like two years ago that came out was there? Yeah yeah this is some of the new cool Will Smith rap music he's putting out

Yeah, I have not heard this so I'm excited to hear Once you start playing this Yeah, I'm probably not gonna be able to figure out how to play it The best part of the bad boys movies The new one at least was the messy promo I don't know if you guys saw it But like Messi like never speaks English And like for this one he like

They opened the door It's like Martin Lawrence and Will Smith And Messi's right there And he's like bad boys Bad boys? Bad boys? He said he sounds like a minion, and that's like all he says, and it was so good. That's pretty cool.

But yeah. Do you think Messi has a clean room? No. It's probably filled with jizz. And no pun intended either. Something weird. I remember I bullied some guy. I was pledging and fraternity this guy's like, yeah, actually I jerk off into the toilet so I don't get combed my hands.

I'm like, you're a fucking woman. I guess I gave the guy so much shit. I was like, how about you be a man and jizz all over yourself? How do you jerk off like into the toilet, though? I've done it. Oh, I do it all the time. You just kind of stand up and then like. fire straight down. Yeah, but you still

get calm on your hands. Yeah, but the fact he's so scared of his own semen makes me think that he's a woman. Yeah. I don't know if he, I don't get calm on my hands you don't get calm on my hands you jerk off? No, I get it in my mouth, in my buddy's mouth. I get it right on the knuckles. That's where the term white knuckling comes from.

I don't know. I don't know. I have a brass knuckles of jizz. Does it just kind of like, like spill out? I think it depends. No, no, it comes to get one squirt this way and then the rest it drizzles down. Wow. Yeah, yeah.

So it's like when you throw Mentos and a Diet Coke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. There's like products that make you, like, jizz further and more. But I'm like, I don't know who's, I mean, I'm sure it looks cooler for a second.

I would love to do that just to, like, it does seem more fun, target practice. It seems like scientifically, if you just drank a bunch of cum, you would come more. Right. Yeah.

But that's just what the cum scientist wants to think. That's just some guy who's like, yeah, that's just what big pee. penis is yeah, I guess I don't know. I've been drinking

lots of cum and I just I still just spittle. Oh, our other roommates sitting here really distracting. This feels like when you're you ever working on something and then your dad looks over your shoulder

and you're like, can you stop? I'm really trying to do this right now. I actually have to head out, boys. All right. We'll see it. I hope.

This is so good. I love this. I love this. Sorry for the train. I wish I could have fired it up a little bit more, but, uh, you know, chopping it up with the boys. Hey, you're fine. You want to hop on here?

Big J. Big J. Hop in. We get a celebrity. He's going to see the new Matt Walsh. Are you actually? Michael, you're so pissed. You're missing out on that one.

You my buddy are going to see it as a Joe next week. I do love the conservative movies are fun. What's up, um, how you doing, dude? I see it, buddy. Been a while. We got mystery roommate on the podcast now. Um, just subbing out. But, uh, I didn't see the what is a woman one.

I don't know. He, that guy don't even, he's this like weird. He's like, a lot of the 2000s hipsters turned into like conservative guys. So he's just kind of like a very unlikable guy who's like, yeah, I know, I don't know. I don't know. He's like one of those, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Well, like really conservative comedy is not funny.

No, no, no. I think of Paul is pretty funny. Boy, but he's not doing like really, he is a conservative guy, but he also just is funny. Yeah, it's not only people start from politics and try to jump into comedy. That guy like Stephen Crowder claims he's a comedian. He's like the least funny guy on earth and the least likable guy ever. Yeah. Hey, man.

He's making a living, though. They made a movie about us would be called good boys, not bad boys. That's true. Yeah, because we're very likable people. Or goon boys. Good boys. We were discussed the difference between gooning and edging recently. Do you know the difference?

Let's see if he's got this. Gooning is just jerking off a lot and edging is prolonging your organ. Oh, so I guess you could edge with a woman. Yeah. I don't even consider that. All these words. Edging is just denying yourself. It's just like you're not coming.

You're almost coming. Denying, funny. It sounds like I'm slapping my hand out of the way. Like, I'm jerking out of going, no. That is kind of what you have to do, dude. Straight up because you get close. You have to do that just to even be interested in it. Oh, yeah.

You know? You just like, you're too deep in a hole or something. And you're like, I got a... Oh, I'm doing the porn hole deep. I don't even mean porn hole. I just mean, like, you just jerking off too much. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. No, I've definitely got to those points of my... You big, big masturbator? I like how you politely asked that. Hey, you big, uh... I guess it would... I'm very sex positive, it's okay. It would depend on your...

What we're talking about relatively? I think I'm not a big masturbator compared to M.G. No, but he's also very vocal about how he likes to come and... Yeah. I think I would fall in... Gross little pig guys. I think I would fall into the average. Welcome back to Boehner and the pig. Oh, dude, I thought of a good joke the other day. I might try it on stage, but I'm not sure.

Yeah, you do it. Try it out here first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's a, what's a gay guy? I'm excited because you're really funny. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, this is going to be really good. What's, everybody at home, just make sure, make sure you turn the volume up all the way. Yeah, yeah. Stop whatever you're doing and listen to this joke because it's going to be so fucking good. And comment on this episode about what you got on the joke. Yeah, if you didn't like the joke, What's your Instagram? You guys are, it's just Hamza Azeem. But they will like the joke.

I will say, you guys are trying to make fun of me. No, it's gonna be great, dude. But no, but like, how many viewers does this get? Like 10,000 on some of them? Quite a lot. It does not get 10,000 on any of them, bro. What are you talking to? I'll show you right now.

On a full podcast? Yes. Bark my words, bro. If you go to the Philippines right now, this is like the number one podcast. Yeah, that would be so sick, honestly. That would be so sick. One, like, small country.

If he went to the Philippines and, like, he got greeted at the airport, like a legit celebrity. I literally will get my, I will walk off the plane and be getting my dick sucked before I notice what's happening in the Philippines. Okay. Before I know what's happening, there will be a Filipino woman licking my ass on and a Filipino man sucking my dick. And I'll say, hey, I'm never even heard the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Michael just has $30 in his podcast.

Yeah. All right, so you ready for the joke? Yeah, yeah. All right, what's a gay guy's favorite street food? I don't know, Jake, what's your favorite street food? Oh. Damn, that's funny. What's that you're going to do?

No. but that actually is probably better honestly Boner Cabab You're thinking about taking that to the stage You know most people don't know what a donor kebob is That's what I was wondering I was wondering because he doesn't

He was like what's the joke He literally is like what's the joke You're at a comedy club staring at a restaurant called donor kebab all day So you're like everyone knows what this is You know what is really funny though Please make fun of them for not getting a big.

You guys didn't even fucking understand what that was. You guys are, I didn't realize this was the dumb audience night at the comedy club. I need to, uh, I pick. You got a cool cockiness on stage. Me? You're like a cocky showboat. Me? Yeah.

That's right. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm the man. He also refuses to wear shorts on stage. It really bugs me how he gave up on wearing shorts on stage. He was a big shorts on stage guy. One guy told him not to wear shorts on stage. Now he wears pants on stage.

Dude, it wasn't one person. Yeah, boy, do you wear a sweats on stage? pants? No, I wear khakis. I own one pair of khakis that I put on. I don't like that at all. Dude, I got told I can't wear shorts on stage and I said, okay. And so I stopped and then I started getting booked more. I guess I don't say the name. I actually, I know who it is. I think you might have been there the first time, honestly, that like this person told them. Literally, they were like, they told you you're not going to get booked unless you stop wearing shorts on stage. Yes. You should wear the rip-offs. They were like, they were like, they were like, uh, you should.

And he'd be like, no, no, I'm wearing pants. And then they leave the room and you rip them off and go, you rip, but you rip too hard and all your clothes come off. At some point, I will just wear shorts on stage if I can achieve some level of success. Yeah, I just, I've never, I never think anybody's, they're like, you devalues the show. I've never once thought somebody's going to go to a comedy show. They're like, well, I really, you know, I really like the show, but the guy was wearing shorts on stage. I've been wearing shorts at this new job I'm working, and I haven't worn shorts,

outside of working out in my house actually in years. Where are you working? A moving company. Oh yeah? They gave me like company shorts. Oh, okay.

And I walk around and I'm like, this feels fucking great. Yeah. It feels really nice. Yes. Because, dude. I put my jeans on after work and I was like,

it's like hot. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's like, yeah. It's also like, I feel like it's probably different because where I come from, it's like everybody's wearing shorts

all the time. Like, people go to the bar and fucking shorts. Nobody's batting a fucking eye. Like, yeah, sure, you can't get into like a, like a certain nightclub if you're wearing shorts. But like,

dude, my, my buddy got pissed in me one time because we were going out with the boys and we were in like, I come from a place. Yeah. Or everyone's wearing. Everyone's shorts.

Which, you're from Florida, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so, okay, so I guess everybody is. I'm from Michigan. So people did think it was weird when I wore shorts like every day all the time, even in the winter.

But like, but it's because you're Pakistani. Everybody wear shorts over there. No, nobody wears shorts. I know, I'm kidding. Okay. I want it. When I was younger, I so badly wanted to like define my identity that if anyone, like the first

time someone was like, it's pretty hot out of you. You're wearing pants. I was like, just without even thinking, I was like, I wear pants every day. And then I just kept doing that. Yeah, people just never wore so love. I'm not getting you shit for whatever your outfit is. They love being like, oh, dude, it's fucking hot out here. How are you wearing that?

Or it's cold out here. Oh, you look like a tough guy wearing your t-shirts. Like, sometimes I'm like, these are the clothes that aren't covered and come. You know, that's just what I'm wearing. Yeah, I don't have that problem. He did say he's like, I'm going to wear, after this, I'm going to change and do a hoodie with no shirt under because I have no clean clothes. Everything has come on it. I didn't say everything has come on it.

I said all my clothes are dirty. And I all said I'm coming in my room. And I come on some of my shirts. I don't come on all my shirts. You come on your shirt? Not like intentionally. I'm not like this would be a great decoration. But I'm like, I come sometimes and you look around and you're in such a fugue state that you're like, I don't know.

I didn't think about. what to grab before. So now I have like a paper towel roll by my bed like I'm eating wings in there. Wait, so you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, are in your room and you're like, oh, I'm going to jerk off and you just come and then afterwards you're like, oh, where, what's around me right now? It's like I have like a 30-minute lunch break. I normally take 15 of that to eat and then I have to violently masturbate for 15 minutes.

And there's no time in between to wipe the wing sauce off your hands. So you just jerking off with wings. Blazing buffalo. I don't think I come that hard to where I like You have to clean up? No, who or where I am. I'm not in a fugue state.

I don't come hard enough for it to like go anywhere. I don't think. Go, what do you mean? Like go somewhere you don't know where it is. Yeah. I lose it sometimes. That's crazy. I don't know where it is.

Just when I'm just jerking off, I don't come that hard. Definitely not. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, I come hard. a lot. Yeah, you know, it's just, you know, we're different levels of a million year.

That's where he won that t-shirt at the cum shooting competition. Give me, um, a weekly average. I come twice a day every single day. Like, like clockwork. If I'm having sex, like three or four sometimes. A week? A day. I come every single day, twice a day.

Right. And then you're saying, and then on top of that three or four times through sex every day? So, like, if I jerk off, if I fuck a woman, I'm going to come normally twice. While having sex with her. Yeah. So if I jerk off, I'll, like, jerk off in that morning and sometimes I have sex twice with a woman. So that'll be three times that day.

Okay. Or if I jerked off twice. Yeah, usually three times. Most days, it's one or two. Are you really trying to tell us that you have sex with someone every day? No. No, no, no, no. I have sex probably three nights a week.

That's still pretty hot. He's a big sex guy. I don't know. I don't have any leather wristbands to be a sex guy. I need scar. You're wearing a sex guy shirt. That is true. How are you finding these women? Are you paying them?

I'm not paying them. There's internet websites. He's very charming. He's a very charming. Thank you, man. It's very sweet. And you're also super like up front. Yeah.

I'm trying to have sex. And when you're like putting that out into the world, you end up meeting people that are also trying to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not saying that it's like a reflection on you. I'm saying it's like a reflection on like, you know, what you hear everybody saying about how hard it is to find people.

It's called field.com. I've pitched it more than anything else in this podcast. I've never heard. I've never heard you pitch this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just, I also. You know, this is why he has a podcast is he wants people to come on and interview him. About his sex life.

I literally know it because, like, I've done a good job so far. I've tried not to talk about sex. Yeah. He's like for weeks. I was just like, I got pussy. Not talking about sex. You've been talking about coming the whole time.

That was jerking off. That's a personal. But I'm allowed to share my personal one. Oh, so now you feel like it sounds like you're bragging? Is that one? Yeah, which I don't like that it's not fun to brag it. Because I like what other people talk about getting late.

When I hear about somebody else getting late, I'm like, yeah, somebody got pussy. I'm not like, oh, you know, I don't know. You are the biggest champion of other people. That's true. So sweet. Thank you. Yeah. You really are.

Yeah. No, I do. Yeah, I like what people. He goes to bat for me all the time, dude. he really puts his like he's a class act I mean not you're not classy

you're not classy you're disgusting but you are a good guy I was joking oh okay I mean he's having you on this podcast and then and then they said you know you're gonna be famous

in the Philippines in like a week whenever this gets out of the airplane you're gonna have to fight four women from trying to suck your penis well I'm excited I love fighting women yeah what'd you say fame means different things

of me and Michael. Yeah. I just mean you're gonna get off the plane and people are going to be like, oh, we loved your appearance. He's gonna be like, they're gonna be trying to suck your dick, like, hard. Yeah, you're gonna have to fight people.

You're gonna fight a woman. Yeah, that's okay. Old ladies, old ladies and company, you're gonna have to sit. I would have no problem, just decking an old lady. Yeah. Well, in certain circumstances,

you're gonna have to. If they're trying to, basically, if they're trying to rape me, then I would. Dude, one time I had... That's what they do. Yeah. In the Philippines.

One time we had, like, a family friend who was, like, trying to teach her. Those are your biggest fans, dude. I wouldn't. I'm sorry. Don't talk too much shit. Old ladies do not rape people in the Philippines. My apologies. Those are your fans, though, right? Yeah. The old Filipino ladies? Yeah, that's most of my podcast, old Filipino women.

Three times a week. Yep. You ship them in from the Philippines. Dude, how funny would that be if I'm just talking about the women? You just see old Filipino ladies. You talked to Humz's like, oh wow, dude, should you really get after it? And I'm just so quiet. Dang.

He certainly does. Filipino women, man. Yeah, I do think the women are so hot. I don't have, like, an idea in my head of what an average Filipino woman would look like, to be honest. They're just,

they're just tan Asians. Is that what they're Hispanic? What the fuck's going on with you? I don't know. If you named, like... No, I mean, I haven't seen you a while. What's going on? Oh, I thought you meant like,

yo, what's your deal, bro? You can't picture a Filipino woman? No, I'd be just going to describe Filipino women for 30 minutes. I guess. Nothing's new, man. Just, uh... Come on.

There's just... The tennis match just happened. That's like your favorite shit. Yeah. So, I mean, the U.S. Open ended and I was... Dude, the tickets are just so expensive. It costs like $400 to go, like, for a day.

It's like your thing, though. It's what? It's like you think. Yeah. You gotta just do it. I want to be able to go more than one day, though. Yeah, you just kind of. got to choose the right day.

Yeah, which I chose a good day. And then I remember the midnight show that got canceled, so I was able to stay to the end of the things. Nice. Was that a great text to get? You're at the thing. Like, ah, fuck, I gotta leave. Yeah.

When it got canceled, I was like, I was messaging, I can't remember who was running the show, but I was messaging the whole, oh, it was hilarious because I texted the thing. I was like, oh, can I go up at the end of the show? Because I'm like, I'm coming from a show in Queens. And O'Toole was on the show, too. and he texts me and he goes, he goes,

show in Queens. I know where you are, you fucking cunt. And I was like, yeah, I'm watching the tennis. And then it got canceled and I was like,

hell yeah, I'm just gonna sit here. Do you coach tennis? Yeah, I remember I used to go a tennis camp as a kid. Yeah, I loved it, dude.

I love it. There's something, it's so aesthetically pleasing to go like that, a little feeling. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I coach tennis, man. I would give you lessons

if, but if you're gay? But if I'm gay? Yeah. What does that mean? I'll give you lessons, but if I'm gay, lessons because I'm gay, if you're gay. If I'm gay, you will give me lessons. Yeah, yeah. Who do you, who do you teach? Outreach to the

community. All the LGBTs. I teach them. Tennis for gays. That is a very funny thing. Tennis for gays. No, I teach like kids. I teach like young kids. Oh. Yeah. Ooh. Okay. That's a little weird. So like the K and the LGBTQIA. Yeah. And the kids. Dude, that would be so funny just to piss off super conservative. People be like, No, all the gays and then the kids, because, you know, it's all. Because some kids are gay. Yeah.

Because the kids are trying to meet people, obviously. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I got to, I had a fun one today. I'm in a group chat with, like, a conservative family friend. And I'm just going super liberal. I'm not voting, but I mean, going super liberal in the group chat just to, like. I love that. Yeah, that's the best.

It's so much fun, dude. I got to show you this discussion. He's like, uh, he's like, you know, he's just going after it about, uh, whatever nonsense. I don't really. I have a, I have a super conservative friend who is now anti-Trump because he's, says Trump is too moderate. He's actually not, I don't think he's that conservative of a guy. Well, I mean, he's, in general, I don't think that he is.

Because, like, every time he tries to talk about- He's trying to-legize pot. He tries to talk about abortion, and he, like, obviously doesn't care about abortion. He's like, yeah, you can get one with them. I think they tell him, like, yeah, you have to be. Well, I think that now is the election where people are really like, oh, this guy doesn't really stand for anyone. Yeah.

So in the group show I go. Like, the last time people were like, oh, like, conservative politics is fucking rock and roll. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why they were excited about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now they're like, oh, this guy just fucking doesn't... This guy just goes up there and talks.

Yeah. He's kind of like, he doesn't believe anything. Yeah, yeah. I went hashtag Harris 2024 when he is a strong woman in the White House. And the guy goes, my dad's name, stop what you're doing immediately and take the family to NY and do an intervention for Michael. A strong woman, she's an airhead imbecile.

The comedy circuit in NYC is affecting Michael's brain. I hope I live another 15 years to see Michael embarrassed by what he thought. I said, I think she's going to be a great leader. I think people are going to say Ronald Reagan and Kamala Harris with the two best presidents for different reasons, but both very smart, hardworking people. She's an empty vessel and the soul, he's just going off.

Dude, I love people that you, that I love people like that, because it's like, how stupid are you that, like, you're getting got? He's clearly trying to provoke you, and you're just letting you. Some people just can't help it. Yeah. I totalize so, because I used to like argue with him about actual politics. Now, I'm like, I'm just going to go and just, I go,

I'm hoping by my 40th birthday, we will have a transgender immigrant president who had a transition in prison. I think America's found out on the ideas of starting a new life and freedom. I hope the bill passes if she wins because I think transgender surgeries for immigrant prisoners is a very American concept. Everyone deserves a second

chance and should live in whatever body makes them happy. Maybe we just disagree, but I think this is a good step in the right direction. I mean, I want He goes, wow, get out of Brooklyn. And then I go, I go, a lot of people were against the civil rights bill when they first passed. I feel like there's going to be a day where we realize

the importance of gender reaffirming care for immigrant prisoners and open borders. And then he goes, luckily you're registered in New York where your vote is the better as I go. I'm still registered in Florida, actually. All my friends in Orlando are voting for Kamala. And that he's like, that's why the voting age should be 35 or something like that. I don't know.

I want like, we're making a joke being like a transgender immigrant president, whatever. But I do want, I want like one of everyone to be president. Oh, no, I agree completely. Yeah. And I wanted them all to be the most boring presidential version of that thing. So people are like, oh. Yeah, yeah. It's not exciting.

They think, like, RuPaul is going to be president, and then it's just the most boring transgender person. I would honestly be shocked if in our lifetime we saw a transgender president. I'd be shocked, too, but I would be like, oh, that's cool. We already have, dude, Abraham Lincoln had a president. Rupal would be, that would be fun. He did? That would be cool.

Yeah. I heard he was gay. I just did, there's another, now there's a pussy and had a pussy. Yeah, people said Obama was gay, too. He might have been. I think Michelle Obama has a penis. The only Democratic president that people are like, that guy isn't gay, is Bill Clinton because he was like a sex creep. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a whole documentary about Gabriel Lincoln. It's like very, it's like a full hour long thing. I'm very curious to watch him. About Gabriel Lincoln. Yeah, Gabriel, Licking him. Whatever you call him. Licking him. Yeah.

Is that really what it is, Gabriel Lincoln? No, it's called like Abraham Lincoln a man's, it's probably called something like that. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's just like these people like, what's, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of evidence that he was gay. Apparently, like, he had, like, letters back and forth with somebody or something. Yeah, yeah. There was one president that everyone is, like, that guy was gay.

And he was one of the ones that, like, not, like, he was, there was, like, a run of presidents that, like, no one ever talks about. Who's one that got stuck in the bathtub? Taft. He really got stuck in the bathtub with another man. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe there was another guy in there. Levin party?

Or having a presidential lemon party? Yeah. What is 11 parties? It's like a, it's, remember that? It was like a website that you had. trick people to go to. There's old guys banging, right? It's like a bunch of old guys in a bathtub. Really? What's it called?

Lemon Party.com. Really? You used to do that in middle school. He'd be like, oh, dude, the best, like, games are on lemon party.com. Yeah, yeah. Dude, the best one was phone trace. You do phone trace? No. You tell people, you go to phone trace.com, and you look in your number, and it does a map of the United States and starts zooming in. And this back before, like, locations were

were thing, people were like, how does it track my phone? And then you just look even closer. Oh, this is just pouring out. just cuts to two dudes butt fucking. That's funny. I remember they did to some guy in the library at my school. He started like crying, like having like a meltdown. It's like...

That was fun when the internet was that stupid. Lemon Party's just porn now. That's what he was just describing it as. That's not fun. It used to just be like you go on a website and it's just a picture of old guys having sex in a bathtub. Oh, the picture. Who's the picture of that black guy with the big dick or whatever?

That one's classic. That's awesome. I love that one. I love shit like that. Everyone likes that. Yeah, yeah. Isn't that funny? Yeah.

Yeah, it's so classic. It's literally just such a funny thing because it's like, oh, like, Donald Trump is going to step down as president. And it's like, I look at the link, but before I click on it, and it's like PBS, that TWMG or whatever. And I was like, oh, that's the black guy. I love it. What's that guy's name?

I don't even know. I know. I know. Oh, it's too bad. Yeah. But he lives on. What a cool way to have like a later in career Renaissance. Yeah, yeah.

It's just a giant leg picture to be sent around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He never, like, when he started doing porn or whatever, he was like, ah, I got a huge dick, I'm a giant guy. Whatever, I'm going to do porn. I love that of him.

And then, like, 10 years later, there's a worldwide pandemic. Yeah. Dude, I think it was before that. The most recognizable face. I used to, I used to send it in high school. Yeah, yeah, that was really? In, like, in, like, 2014, 20, like. I like the idea of him not being a porn star.

Like the idea he's just a guy. He's just a guy. Somebody just snapped an incredibly beautiful picture, and they're like, got to use this for something because it's just... It's a great picture. It is. Very flattering. It's a great picture.

If I had a picture where I looked like that and someone asked me for a headshot, I might just crop. And give them what comes shot? The root. I think they extended a little bit, but I mean, I'm sure it's still ginormous. I'm sure they're like, they added one inch to an already fucking 15 inch penis or something like that. I don't know. Speaking of that, I got to get John Holmes or Jonah, Jonah Falcon on this podcast. Oh, yeah.

He has a big penis? Oh, yeah. Biggest penis self-proclaimed. It's pretty fucking big. lives in the United States. He posted something on Instagram was funny. He's like beautiful. His posters so funny. He's like beautiful day out in Central Park. And it's just

right around just being like, damn, I have the biggest dig in this. You should put an ad on like Craig's list or something and just be like, I want to interview a guy with an enormous penis on my podcast and then see how many guys with just small dicks show. That would be so sick. And you have to

and like you just tell them everybody as they're coming and you have to tell them to take their pants off. Yeah. And then I also invite Jonah Falcon and I go, that's a fucking, you should be ashamed of yourself. That's a little penis compared to this man. It would just be funny to sit with a guy. He doesn't show you his dick or anything who's just clearly

lying about what is. To have a huge dick. Did you you watch some of a chimp crazy with me. That was a fun documentary. I don't even know what that is. What is that? It's a lady who bred chimps. Michael loves monkeys.

Yeah, yeah. It's one of those, the fucking Connecticut stories way crazier than I thought it was. I thought a woman just got like her face ripped off by a chimp. I didn't realize a cop showed up to that woman's house. Had the, what are you grin at about? You're talking like you were, you're speaking with other like monkey aficionados. You're like, the Connecticut story was actually a little more hairbrain. I should start a podcast just on chimp attacks.

You should just do a monkey podcast. What happened? Dude, the chimp ripped a cop door off of a car I don't know they could rip doors off of cars I mean they were strong And apparently the chimp was like Had his hands in the air And then the cop was like

I don't believe really in telepathy But that chimp looked me in the eyes And said fucking shoot me And so I did And then he shot the chimp twice It ran outside the house and then bled out After it ripped someone's face off Yeah, we ripped the woman's face off

She's alive though What? Yeah You never seen the woman with the chimp face? I mean, I don't want to see. That's what everyone says about chimps because of that. They're like, yeah, they're cute, but if you have one as a pet, I'll rip your face on. Yeah, but it's like,

you know, there's like three chip attacks for like every 700 chimp owners in the United States. I mean, you still shouldn't own a chip, but statistically, I wonder like owning, I don't know, I'd like to see the dog attack numbers with dogs to bring people's face off. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Way more people own dogs, though.

No, I know. That's what I'm saying I love to see the numbers, because like, it's like, if three chip attacks and there's a saying chimp, is different than saying dog. That's like a breed of dog. Like you have to name a specific breed. Okay. Rottweilers to,

what are worse? Rottweilers are your pit bulls. I think pit bulls, right? I don't know. Both of them are, sounds scary. Yeah, I would be curious to know the numbers

because I know like, there's like three notable chimp attacks and there's about 700 chimp owners in the United States. But a Rottweiler is also, if you go to the shelter and you're like, I want to pet the Rottweiler

and it's like, thing at the map. The guys at work there are going to be like, unless you really know dogs, don't even go near this dog. Right, right. You know, if you want to get a monkey, you just go meet a fucking lunatic in a parking lot and he's like, I got to sell you a monkey.

Oh, I wish that was true, my friend. We'd have nine monkeys in the south if it was that simple. I am sure you could. Do you got to get a class three license? It's like really a whole thing. He's looked into it. Yeah, yeah, no, no, I studied this. First of all, New York, there's no way

you're getting a champion of this state. I mean, Do you think there's a chimp living somewhere in New York City? I'm very curious about this. Yes, man. You think somebody owns a chimp inside New York City right now? I'm picturing. I have to like, I'm down at like city hall for some reason. I just like down in that neighborhood and I see you sitting on a bench in a suit just so upset.

I'm like, what's wrong, dude? And you're like, I'm not going to let me get this fucking chip. Like he dressed up nice to go to the courthouse? Yeah. There's a chimp in like overalls. being taken by another man in a suit. It's like, you're gonna live with us. Do you understand little Thomas?

He's like Morgan Freeman and Shawshank. He just keeps getting denied, like, he's like outside the courthouse. I've been trying to own a chimpanzee for 20 years now. You keep going to City Hall and asking, and they're like, yeah, we don't do shit like that. And you're like, can you just tell me no for fuck's sake? Look at me like a man.

But yeah, I would. be curious, like, the numbers, because it's like, that is a very small percentage. But I bet you there's lots of people that aren't talking about their chimp attacks. I bet you there's, like, lots that go into that. And it's also, like, most people that own chimps now are probably, like, they're keeping them, like, in a cage and they just, like, feed it carrots

through the door or whatever. Why would you do that, though? You shouldn't have a chimp if you're going to do that. Yeah, yeah, no, I agree. I agree. But I think it's a tough, like... You should let a goon with you, dude. You shouldn't own a chimp. Yeah, the woman said her chimp would just masturbate to her all... I mean, they always, they're just

fucking, they just want to fuck humans because we're like a hot alien to them. Are you serious? That's like dolphins. You ever hear that story? Yeah, that woman who jerked off the dolphin, yeah, yeah. And they like, the dolphins were like, try to like get her to do it all the time. Yeah, yeah. It's weird in my mind. I just knew that dolphins

are also, apparently also have sex for pleasure, but I didn't know that some woman jerks one off. Everybody has sex. How did you know? Every animal. Yeah, they all have sex for, they don't know that they're making a baby. Yeah, yeah, and so the opposite. They're not like, yeah, yeah.

No, I thought that they knew that. No, no, no, people say Dolphine have sex for fun and human or something like that. But it's like, the whole place. How do they, like, come on each other's snouts and shit? How do they know for sure? Yeah, I don't know. There's always just some guy in the third grade who says this to you. And you're like, I guess that's science.

They must have studied their brains or something. While they were having sex. Man, what a job. Or they were having it more often. It's like they're imagining themselves with sunglasses. on. Yeah. We're killing it right.

With a different dolphin, too. Picture another dolphin. Picturing the Heidi clume of dolphins. Yeah. Dolphins have complex mating positions. Okay, mating duration. How big is a dolphin penis?

Pretty big. Really? Yeah, they're, like, hidden. And so they come out of the slot. But, like, that's so weird that the dolphins would be, like, down for human... Yeah, clits. Just you can dolphin go down.

dog's like, ah. He's a sex guy dolphin. Reach around with the flipper. He's tapping. He's tapping. It's like, but it's like,

why did the dolphins want the woman to keep jerking them up? There's not another species that I would want to jerk me off. No. Women are fucking hot, dude. Yeah, I like, I like, right. So, but then why are the dolphins

like not like that? Call me old school. I like human ladies. Yeah. But then, Why aren't the dolphins like that? I'm the same way, just humans and chimps. But mostly humans.

Nice. Where's your question? But it's like, why? So it's like, we are like, okay, we want to only have sex. I think they're horny. I think if a chimpanzee jerked off a dolphin, it would probably come too. I think they just want something touching a penis. But why are they not like us where they're like, we want a dolphin?

I don't think dolphins can jerk themselves off a dolphin. I don't think dolphins can jerk themselves off very well. So they're probably just very excited that there's a hand. I guess that's, I guess that's fair, actually. What are you giggling? This is a science podcast. Yeah, just like imagining you at City Hall again. With the chimp permit, like all the things you have to fill out.

And then you're also like trying to get a permit to build an in-ground pool for dolphins. To get jerked off by gyms. Because you're like, I'm doing a project. It's been a long time going to do some research. Yeah, I've always wondered that. What do the laws are on breeding different animals together? Because obviously it's a pretty sure zero. Pretty sure not allowed.

Yeah. Yeah. for breeding like two different, completely different animals. He was just about to talk about chimps and dolphins straight up. Oh, yeah, you can't do that. Okay. It wouldn't even work. It literally wouldn't even work.

Gurbos or something? Nazi scientists. Who was the Auschwitz guy? Yeah, gerbils, yeah, yeah. I would like to know what would happen if you put human sperm into a female monkey. Like what would happen? She'll never call you back. That's what happens.

No, it was Mengelai. You say it'd meet a mongoloid? No, Mengelei was the doctor. He was like, Auschwitz. I've got all the Nazi experiments. Oh, nice. It's so funny, too, because everybody says Nazi doctor, and obviously, like, I know they're doing disgusting things to human beings,

but I just picture a guy with test tubes the most cartoony way. Like, I just picture a guy just like, ooh-hoo. I do picture the most cartoonishly evil guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got the giant thing on his head, like the giant stethoscope thing. He's like doof and schmerts. Yeah.

Dude, did you see that... That's no true. Did you see, like, the, like, mascot version of doof and smurts that they put at the, uh, at, like, Disney World or whatever? No. Dude. I'm not that into Dooms.

Oh, dude, let me pull it up. It is straight up. A scary picture. And people are like, yo, he's going to scare the kids. Let me see. Duf and Schmertz. This is not fun. Yeah.

Like Doof and Schmertz, images. Real. Should I type in, yeah. Better than that booze. I'm a Nazi scientist. Look at this, bro. We would make mutant juice. Oh, my God.

That is terrifying. Oh, what the, It's like a real guy? Yeah. Oh, that's disgusting. Oh, man. It's like when you see a family guy with AI family guys, real people, and you're like, why does this make one of my mouth? It's so awful.

I don't want to see Homer Simpson as a skin human being. It's a disturbing thing. I don't know why, but it's just disgusting to see that. It's horrible. Yeah. You guys Simpsons fans? I love Simpsons. Never watched.

How did the pictures get on the ceiling? That's a Marge Simpson. I don't think I've ever seen a single episode. over the Simpsons? Yeah. You'd love it. What I? The first few seasons

are filled with just like dumb gags. It's awesome. Oh, nice. Maybe I'll need to watch. My mom never let me watch. Well, they got rid of a poohs. What did your mom make you,

the way you watch? Make you watch. We weren't allowed to watch the Simpsons and we weren't allowed to watch Spongov. This is a Rocco's Modern Lifehouse. Yeah, yeah. I was allowed to watch Rocko's Modern Life. You were?

Yeah. I was not to watch Power Rangers. You know what the best fucking cartoon of all time is? I was watching clips of this the other day. Don't, as long as you don't say Courage of Cowardly Dog. Red and Stimpy. I, okay, I vaguely remember that. You hate Courage of Carolee, though?

Yeah, I think that show sucked. I always hated. My parents would sometimes not let me watch it just because it was, like, stupid. They were like, you can't watch Power Rangers because it's just dumb. They were just like, it's just, same with wrestling. They're like, it's just stupid.

There's a kid in my school who wasn't allowed to watch SpongeBob because his mom said it was too violent. And then everyone decided to not be a little. friend. I think my mom didn't let us watch SpongeBob because she heard that it was inappropriate humor and stuff. But it's actually good that I wasn't allowed to watch

SpongeBob because I was already just wildly immature and would have been so annoying if I had watched SpongeBob. What is funny if your parents don't like you just think? My dad never understood this. He's always like why would us giving you a curfew make you look lame? How do you not understand how this works? If you have stricter parents, you look like a fucking pussy. That's how that works.

You know what I mean? Like if some kids' parents coddle them That looks worse on the kid That kid looks less Like if your parents died You'd be the coolest kid in fucking high school Yeah, that's true Well, no

Not by default But you have the coolest kid in high school I had no parents Everybody'd be like, damn dude That guy's rock and roll Yeah He just comes in yelling at teachers He's like, you'll never fucking understand me

That guy's the man That kid wasn't cool though When I was in high school I don't what about you We had a kid who's dad Was an alcoholic It made him so cool It is cool when kids

I like when I was in high school and kids would like lie about how much their parents hated them. Just don't like make shit up. It'd be like, yeah, both my parents work full time in China and they'd never call me. And you thought that was cool?

That can't be true. I had a kid in middle school where like I was like part of like the, I was like in like accelerated math. So like we had like a 25 minute like reading period where like some kids would like read and then others who needed help with math get tutored by like the accelerated math kids.

And I had a kid who would just never do his homework. And he just would come and he'd be like, my mom died last night. And I was like, she didn't die, bro. Where's the homework? That's awesome to do that. And he would just say that every time. A kid who's just so ADHD and can't sit and do homework that he's like, nothing I say to get out of this matters.

Yeah. It's not on my conscience at all. Homework is such a fucking big deal to me. Yeah. that I'll just make up a relative and be like they fucking killed themselves. You guys remember that fucking kid who would always be like, oh, you never collected the home?

Because teachers just forget sometimes to collect homework. Oh, yeah, yeah. And that kid would be like, or the pop quiz. You'd be like, weren't we talking about a pop quiz today? That's crazy. But I will say if you studied for it, slash, like, you finally did the homework and the teacher just decided to not collect it, I'd be pissed.

Yeah, I get that. I don't give it fuck, though. I fucking hated doing homework so much. I almost never did it. Yeah. There was one year where I was like really, like my brother was a good student and I was like, I'm going to be like a good student. And then I just couldn't do it after like a couple months. I remember one time my teacher gave me this packet. She's like, you can like make up for all the homework you didn't do if you do this whole packet by the end of the month. And I'll like wipe your grades clean. And I walked home holding it and I threw it in the like on the train tracks. I was like looking at it like, this is. so much paper. I can't

fucking do this. It was a thick boy. Yeah, she was like just do it. And it's not even, it was like multiplication tables, like easy shit. Yeah. Because I don't know. What's nine drafts on the page? It's got like little drafts and stuff. You're like, you know what I'm talking about? You ever have like basic math? It's just

run in giant fonts. It's just four times 12. And I'm like, what's four times 12? 72. One of the coolest teachers I ever had. I showed up late to her class every day. She's my trigonometry teacher. showed up late every day, never did the homework, failed every test.

At the end of the year, she pulled me into her class. She was like 75. It was like her second or last year teaching. And she was like, she's like, you're not like a math guy, are you? And I was like, no. And she was like, all right. So you have like, your grade in this class

is like a 21%. I'm going to give you a C. Call it a day. That's crazy. What a homie, dude. Yeah, I was like, you are the, fucking man. Yeah.

What is like, what is trigonometry again? What? What, like, what do you? I don't, I do not know. To this day,

he had 20% in it. You think, you know, no, but I can't remember. Like, I feel like, was, like,

was it like, 20% is what, that's what you get if you randomly fill out at Scandrum. True. You know, what was that?

She probably did where he's like, yeah, I made a, I got a fucking four on my SAT. He's like, didn't you get a hundred points for signing her name. He's like,

damn it. I didn't do it I got a fucking negative 420 on my SAT Nice Dude I knew a guy smoked pot Made perfect score on his SAT I love kids like that

Because they just anger All the nerds that tried really hard Yeah I had a friend like that He would smoke weed all the time And he was just like He could just snap in To like any work he had to do

Yeah Just like so jealous I had a couple kids who were just like Fire like I had a couple buddies Who were like pie heads And then on Sunday they would just like Pop and Adderall And then they would just literally

Just do all of them the work. Some people just got that gene. Oppenheimer Gene. You got those jeans on right now. I got shorts on now. I don't want to wear shorts, but I'm comfy my jeans. I just, I can't escape. I'm a jeans guy. The chip pants every day. I know you. Now I'm just thinking about a chimp and jeans and how cool

that would be. I never, I don't get over them. I just, I keep looking at videos and I'm like, I love chimps. I get the woman. I get the woman that had her chimps taken away from her. I understand it. She faked the death. That was my favorite. She faked the death of a chimp. They were going to take her chimp. there was like seven chimps and they come here and she's like I only have six chimps because one of them died here his ashes and then she just

was like hiding the chimp obviously and did they knew that? Yeah well so funny because the woman was just like I don't know what you expect she's like you guys really believe that I'm hiding a chimp it was chimps name was Tonka it was like four movies and she's like you think I'm hiding a celebrity chimpanzee

how would I do that as if the celebrity part makes it harder for it yeah like is this movie's gonna see him and be like Is that Tanka? Yeah yeah That's Tanka! He was joking about they just show her husband and he's just a chimpanzee in like a suit.

That's so good. I would love to see a chimp in some shorts. You definitely can. Yeah, there's, yeah, people do it all that. My favorite is there's one where the person opens the bathroom door and there's a chimp on the toilet reading, shitting. I'm like, this is...

I love that you can potty train chimpanzee. That's so fun. I'd love it if you came home one day, you like ran into the house with like holding hands with a chimp and you were like, dude, you can't ask me any questions. We just got to hide this chimp.

I'd be like, fucking finally. The day's come. A cool, hairbrain scheme. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that would be so fun. And you would, and you would hide it for him. You would? I think I would be involved in that.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you know, be cool. See, that would be good if it was like, they were going to do horrible animal testing. They were going to give this one. They were trying an experimental vaccine on this. It's a conservative.

Basically. Extremel mother-back team. Basically, planet of the apes. What's up? Isn't that what happens? the Planet of the Apes? Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

That's a whole movie. Yeah. Damn it. They made like five movies about what you were just talking about. Yeah, it'd be so sick if they did. Yeah, well, they did. There's like 600 minutes.

I never seen a single one of those movies. They're fun. They got worse. There's too much chimps. Like, I like chimps, but the last one's just all chimps. It's just CGI chimps for like two hours and like one person. I also don't, I don't like world building. There's too much going on there.

I like sci-fi. I've told it to talk about this weird. It blends in from the regular world into this. What? The world building is just like, there's a cutoff where you're like, too many chimps now. What is this?

The whole world? You're, this is a planet of chimps? You're like the opposite of my roommate. My roommate's like, dude, they didn't go far enough. I wanted to see like chimp doctors

and chimp athletes and like all that. Okay, now I'm kind of in. If there's like chimp lawyers in planet of chips. Yeah, like he's like, he's like a full civilization. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, they, he bangs a gavel, it's a banana. And then, dude, and then there's a chip. The main guy just looks at the camera and he's like, come out. Come on.

And then outside the courthouse, there's like a sad chimp in a suit or whatever, and he's getting his papers for Michael Good to be his pet denied. World built, dude. I like that. I just built the world, dude. Yeah, because it's funny that Planet of the Apes, there's still like just, there's no part of Planet of the Apes. I don't know how it ends, but it should end that the Apes are living like born and clocking in.

No, apparently the old ones are like that. That's why my roommate was pissed. Oh, really? The ones from the 60s end up being like that. And he's like, they were supposed to do that in this newest, one. Yeah, I love that. Just chimp's being like late for work. Just like pissed in their car. Yeah. And then they turn on

Chimp Nirvana. Yeah. Just fucking punch the steering wheel. Well, that's, look, we're over an hour. Thank you so much for coming on, dude. I appreciate it. Yeah, whatever. My name is Patty Defino. My name is also Patty Defino. Perfect.

Thank you guys for listening. Perfect. No, I appreciate it.