Morning Good - How to Get Away with Murder - Episode 255

Episode Date: February 3, 2025

Jake Velazquez and Jake Silberman join the show for today's episode. They talk about prison guard-inmate relationships, plans for escaping a Luigi Mangione-style manhunt, and fighting animal rights activists on the street. Thanks to Jake Velazquez for coming back on the show and to Jake Silberman for joining for the first time. You can check out Jake V. on previous episodes of the show, and hit the links down below for even more.Velazquez is on Instagram @jakevcomedy. Silberman is on Instagram @thecomedianjake and has a new special out Live From Portland on YouTube that we highly recommend you give a watch.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. We're here at Jake Silberman. Yo-Yo. And Jake Velazquez, who is fresh off a breakup. Fresh off. Ooh.

Yeah. I'm a free man. We did just. talk about it for a long time, so it's weird to just, like, go back into it, but what do you want to know? know? No, this is an organic. I always got to be like, all right, well, we're not going to start from fresh.

Little peek behind the curtain for the list. Yeah, yeah. How does it, because I think I told you what's going on with me. It was like, I was so far past it and then she got a new boyfriend and then I was like. Yeah. I mean, I can't imagine what it feels like because you don't know, but also our relationship was like 10 months. Oh, okay.

That's not long enough to be, but it's not long enough to be, like, devastated. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm also... Is that makes sense? Clip that. I'm fine. Not long enough to be devastated, folks.

Can't be devastated by it. You look like more put together than I've ever seen anybody after a breakup. Dude, I've literally like the two days after we broke up, I had a couple shows, and I, like, wore, like, my nicest sweater in a walk. And I'm like, this is I know I'm single again. It's like, I'm dressing up nice. Yeah. Jesus. Like, doing push-ups before.

go out to get the problem. Oh, yeah, dude. I, like, I, like, buried it so far when I, like, saw my ex. Because, like, I remember I saw it at one point. I lost, like, a ton of weight. Going back to me and fat, though, I've decided. But, yeah, yeah. Happy and fat.

For comedy, dude. Yeah. It's so dumb. But, uh, I, I completely barely. Like, I was just like, like, like, I came over and, like, put my, she's like, she just looked like you're doing so well. And I'm like, I really. It was just such a lie.

I was like, no, I am doing it. I'm like, yeah, I'm just totally happy. Seven years is crazy. Seven years is crazy. Yeah. That is a ton of time. The longest I ever did was like four. Yeah.

That's long too. But like any past five is like you probably thought you were getting married, right? Oh, totally. But it was also terrifying. Like I literally felt like I was in like a speeding car like going towards. And my cousin told me one time. He goes, he goes, dude. He goes, you are so fucked.

He's like, you're either in two years going to be married or you're breaking up. She's like, all of her fucking friends are going to get married. And I remember just like my heart was like racing. I was like, you can have kids in three years, and then he got divorced. But that's how that goes. I think, I don't know, it sounds crazy, but I almost want to divorce because I want to experience almost every part of life. Not like taking a life or anything, but like almost. I would much rather experience taking a life than divorce.

Really? Yeah. Especially if you get away with it. Yeah. There's no getting away with divorce. Yeah, you're just like, fuck. Maybe it would be good to. Sorry, I'd me catch you off.

No. I mean, just like, murdering somebody would be dope. Yeah, I don't like... I don't know what. I mean, there's lots of reasons not to do it, but if you just had like a little vacuum where you're like, let me just see what this would be like, I would, yeah.

What if everyone could be regenerated? Yeah. So then it's like you get to experience it, but you're not really killing someone. It's like little nicky. But then you really wouldn't be getting to experience it. But you get to, they lose a day. But no, because it's like the real experience

is knowing you took a life and they'll never get it bad. So, like, that kind of ruins the whole person. Now that you say like this, this is horrified. Yeah. I'm a very unviolent person. Like, I don't even get in fights. Like, I'm not like, I never, like, I'm obsessed with my own morality and, like, I get terrified if I feel like I did something wrong.

But I'm like, I'm curious as to what, like, if you could put yourself in the brain of somebody who took a life, or you take the life of somebody who's about to take, like, a hundred lives. But you know what I mean? Like, oh, well, if you get to be a hero. Right. Yeah. That's a way different vibe than just killing a guy. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. hero. Oh my God. Like you're next to the air marshal and then like a terrorist comes with like a bomb. But then the terrorist shoots the air marshal and then you grab the air marshal's gun. Yeah. You just want to be in the middle of an action movie. Totally. You want to be a hero. Too often. But like sometimes I know I wouldn't be that guy though. Because like I have so many interactions where I push out and I would not be the hero. It would be so fucking lame if you got big like a news story because you were the bitch of the situation. Where you're like, yeah, he had a shot and he did not take it.

those cops at the school shooting. Yeah, yeah. Like, Uvalde, you're just like, dude, you're on national news of just like hiding in a corner while kids get murked out. Yeah. You don't want to be that guy. No, you don't. I think that's like up there with pedophile.

Yeah, yeah. If you went to jail later in life, you would get fucked in prison. Yeah, yeah. They found out you were an absolute bitch. Yeah. On the flip side, that Luigi is getting like absolutely adored in prison right now. Yeah, yeah. Do you think he's getting a lot of hole?

I think they're, well, he's fine, dude. So he's probably having a good ass time. I think they're getting ladies in there for him as well. That's crazy. I think there's like probably, I think he's getting literally whatever he wants. How does that work? I don't know why.

I just picture them drilling a hole in the wall, like a glory hole. And some lady just like lifts her skirt. So he's still in jail, but like his dick is like going out. I think they got something going on for Luigi. That'd be cool. Well,

there's always the stories of like the hot female like parole or like prison guards that fuck like the prisoners. I don't even think they got to be hot. I think some of them are. just getting dick down and they are regular. They are absolute regs. Imagine that just being like a total slut and you just got like a factory of dick.

In prison dudes probably fuck so good, dude. Well, there was the one with the... It was the cops, though. It was like that one cop, lady cop, fucked like all her partners. Yeah, yeah. She got absolutely dick down by like seven guys. It's so funny to like just be like,

if you're like girl became a police officer, you just be so nervous. It's like you're just with all the heroes. You're with all the opposite of what you are scared of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it'd be worse if they were firefighters. Like a female fire. I don't think there's such thing as a female firefighter, actually.

No, I think there are because they got in a bunch of a, dude, there's that video. LA, there's a bunch of, yeah. I'm a video that came out during the LA fires where there was like the, like, the promo material for, like, we need more women firefighters, right? and there's this lady firefighter who's like some people ask me like could you could you save my husband if he was in a fire and her answer was like look if your husband is laid out in a fire

he should have been there in the first place it's like oh my god we're so fucked we're so fucked yeah because I heard there's a bunch of like lesbians in L.A. that was like the thing like half the L.A. fire department like leaders Yeah the three chiefs yeah yeah lesbians and they all call each other chiefs

too. Is Chief a male only thing? Or it would be Chiefs or something? I don't know. Chiefs. No, but there's like all the promo videos of like, yeah, short cop haircut lady firefighter. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Fuck. All right. Well, you know, probably is

a thing that I'm realizing with like female prison guards is like, higher testosterone in men and women leads to a higher sex drive. So like when women aren't fucking their husbands, they actually give them testosterone because it like makes them hornier. So I assume the women who, who go into law enforcement

are probably hornier because they've hired testosterone. Because you're influenced by the people you're around. Right. You're around all this testosterone so you become... Dude, I mean, I would

probably kill myself if I found out my wife had been getting dick down by prisoners for like a decade. Oh my God, I just don't see how you survive that. Like I feel like at some point you're just like, dude, I had a life.

I can't like just go back out. How would you ever trust a woman again? any time you'd be like you'd just like that flash would just hit you like oh my fucking

it's funnier too to think about her being like fully like she got banged by the neo Nazis the Crips like every kind of tough guy you're like

I literally followed all the rules yeah that was supposed to lead to me getting this like loving relationship and instead the guy one guy got to take a life

I always wanted to experience that you got to take my wife take my wife take my wife yeah dude that's gotta be so fucking brutal I don't know

getting cheated on a way, like getting cheated on when it's just like, whatever, like, your girl's at a bar, she makes out with some random guy or fuck some random guy. It's like what, that's like sucks, but at least it's just like in the course of normalcy of like, yeah, people get drunk, people get horny or whatever. But like when it's like that level where you're like, dude, you have like a, like a disease inflicting your brain or something. Like you want to dick this badly that you like ruined like nine lives. Like this is crazy. Well, it's probably also a thing too where you're probably like, this is so fucked up, but that's why it's so hot.

Of course. You gotta be like, this is so wrong. Also, it's fucked up if your girl, it doesn't matter what it is, but if she's cheating on you at work. Yeah. Because that every morning, you're like, where the fuck you off you'll work? Yeah. Well, they also now, like, with prisoners, like, a lot of them, like, you know, they get,

like, cell phones snuck in. So I saw, like, a news story, like, just last week of, like, the lady got caught. I think it was in England, but she got caught because the prisoner, like, filmed it and, like, released it to the internet. So, like, not only are, like, you cheating on your husband with a prisoner, but the prisoner's, like, I'm about to put this on fucking line. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she got caught and went to jail. Like, I think she's got to go to jail for a minute.

Like, it's, like, a big... She's like, please put me in the dick jail. I'm actually a man now, and I love to be with my fellow gender. Is there male corrections officers at female prisons? There has to be. Yeah, there's, like a lot of... There has to be, yes. I feel like, what did they?

There's a lot of rape that happens in that. Really? Yeah, yeah. Actually, I don't know. That's an orange as the new black. Well, the funny is gone, I guess. Yeah. At least the women, like, they seem willing to do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, now it's just like, oh. Yeah, because it's like, you have a gun. Oh, yeah, that sucks. That's the best, my favorite Norm MacDonald joke. He has a joke about, like, prison rape. And he's like, everybody says the same thing about prison rape. They're like, yeah, you know, it's bad, but what are you going to do?

He's like, what are you going to do? they're in cages and you have guns. In one other scenario, is it easier to stop somebody from raping? He's like, if you heard I was getting raped backstage, you would stop me and you have no guns and nobody's at a jail cell. But it is like

yeah, I don't know, it's a crazy thing too because everybody has the same mentality. They're like, yeah, they're getting raped, but like, you know, that's what they get for breaking the law. You're like, yeah, but these are varying laws they're breaking. It's not like one. And probably the worst people are probably getting raped to the less. Like a mass serious.

killer is probably not getting it as bad as some guy who has tax problems. Well, the one justice is that's usually pedophiles. Right. Yeah. There's some really bad ones out there. They get the worst. Opposed to the good ones. But then there's probably a bunch of like insurance fraud guys just getting fucked. Yeah. Well, when everybody...

Because they are like, you know, have glasses and push pencils. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, and then you like, everybody says the same thing. There's always that guy that's like, yeah, no, I went to prison, but I didn't get raped. You're like, all right. But like, would you say, You did. You know what I was raped?

Yeah. And I was raped. Yeah. It's so funny to have, to be like, everybody knows that guy who's like, I went to prison. I didn't get raped. Like, that's like this common archetype of person that. I'm saying it like it's common. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I know my prison rape guy. Like, everyone's got that uncle that drinks a lot. It's like everyone's got that cousin that went to prison and said, I didn't get raped. I generalize a lot with like wild things. So funny. But it's like, who's going to walk out of prison and be like, yeah, I was basically just like a human flashlight in there. Like, why would you tell people? My best friend went to prison, small Jewish kids, similar to me, and left with like really long hair and I'm like, I can't ask.

How long were prisons? Just three years. What do you do? Sell, sold guns in New York City. That's sick. He might have got some respect, though. That's what I got some respect. Like, he, he would, he was also like kind of good at baseball, and he played on the prison softball team, and I think his, like, team won the championship. So I'm sure like his teammates are like, no, we got to protect this kid. Like I think he had some people looking out for him. It was cracking me up though.

He's like, yeah, they're literally giving convicts, bats. That's fucking insane. Dude, could you imagine the feeling of being so powerless for like nine years? And then you got a metal baseball pad at your hand. You're like, shit. Did you ever visit him? I visited him once. And it was because it was like minimum security.

So I was like, oh, that's fine. But it's not. It just means it was just really hardcore criminal. but on good behavior. Like someone still got murdered while he was in prison. Oh shit. There was like hardcore murderers

and fucking... Yeah. Yeah. True felons. I mean, I remember walking around these guys just had like the shark eyes. Yeah. They've killed.

The soul is gone. The soul is gone. When he's dapped up a neo-Nazi and he's a Jewish kid and he's like, yeah, they eat the kosher meal because it's better food. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Oh, wait. How did that work for him? Because there's always the argument of people are like, you have to join the neo-nazis if you go. But I guess you, like, don't. I don't think you have to join

anything. I think it's more if you want to like, if someone's fucking with you then you get extra protection. If you need protection, you could fall into something where you need to join something. But damn. You could also keep to yourself. Wait, was your friend like a little nerd? He looked nerdy. I wouldn't say he's a nerd, but he looks, he's got

the nerd look though. But like, okay, like when he was doing the crime, he was just like, I'm just doing this to make money, or was he involved in like, oh, I'm like also in a gang? He did not necessarily need the money. Like, I think his his family maybe was going through a tough time not sending him stuff, but they were pretty well off.

You know, like we're in college. Outside of prison, when he did the crime, why was he involved in selling guns? He was just, like, doing it. Yeah, he was living in Bushwick, and we, like, met this lady, and she would, like, come up and smoke weed with us all the time. Yeah. And then he never told me this, but I guess what was happening, how he knew this lady was, like, she was an arms deal.

Like, or she just was, like, a gang gangster. Yeah. And she, like, convinced my friend to be like, oh, guys won't buy guns from me, because I'm a woman. so had him kind of like be the front man dude yeah do you know how easy it would be for me to sell guns in this city because I could just go to Florida

get a suitcase take a megabus back here yeah it would be so easy dude I could literally just be selling AR 15s out of this apartment Florida was great we'll visit you in prison when you're getting absolutely real yeah we'd be like hey that was a great idea

podcast that one time yeah because that is the thing you could just go to a state where it's legal, bring it over. Maybe, like, I don't know, have to shave off the serial numbers or something like that. It's crazy how the bus, it's like the ultimate criminal, like, transportation.

I take it so much to be a bus to Pennsylvania. Dude, bus and train in this country, truly, you just walk on. Yeah, train. There's no, there's no checks. Totally. It's incredible. It's actually something I hope never goes away,

even though, like, sure, but it's, like, exciting. Yeah. It's nice to know that option's there. There's that a tell Joe. where he's like, he's like, no one ever bombs the bus station because if you go,

people don't go, damn, somebody did this bitch. It's very true. Well, it's like, yeah, I always like, me and I rematch

who's play this game where we get kind of high and we'd be like, all right, what is your escape route? Like, you're now, the government's coming for you

and you're like a felon. Yeah. My thing is like, shave the head. I mean, we just literally saw this with Luigi and he got three days out.

I know, but he didn't like, he did a lot of things right. He did things I didn't even know you could do. Yeah, what he did? A bag on his phone where you couldn't track it.

He had shit, like, I didn't know existed. Oh, shit. He'd get a lot of shit well. But then he still ended up getting caught in McDonald's. McDonald's was dumb, but also if I'm in the fucking middle of nowhere, Pennsylvania at McDonald's, I probably don't think I'm going to get caught. I would go further. Like, you don't sleep.

Like, I would take a bunch of Adderall and, like, not sleep for, like, four days until I'm, like, so many states away. You also go waffle house, clearly. Yeah. Yeah, you're like, that guy's being calm and there's a fight going on here, so we're not, we're clearly not going to pay attention to the guy who's just chilling. Also, McDonald's is just like, there's, there's no such thing as McDonald's without tons of cameras.

I mean, it's a massive corporation. Waffle House is big, but it's not the same thing. Yeah. You could kind of fly into the radar. I also feel like you just at some point have to, like, I think part of the plan has to, especially the way he did it where it was like all the little details and he kind of like was able, especially to get out of New York City, drop the money, drop the fake monopoly money bag and shit.

Yeah. It's like, how did you not have a like, yo dude, I'm going to go to like a safe house for at least a month. Just someplace where it's like, I've already rented this thing for a month off the grid. I have food. It's like you had so much to get away. But like the easier part seems to be like just go into straight hiding. Yeah.

You don't use the internet. Like you don't do shit. Well, the finance, like the move is whatever, all the money you have, you get it into Bitcoin. Because you could put it on a USB. So then you're traveling with like a good amount of money with like super light. Yeah. And then what he should have done is gone to a co-cony. and just sail once you can you just get out that way yeah he went like in into the country

he should have went like down to florida and gotten a boat to south america yeah that would have been the move you could have gone yeah because if you go out because that only takes three days to get down to i mean honestly they didn't know who he was though he could have been like all right i'm going to do this and i'm literally going to jfk like he could have got on a plane that night because it's not like he was known until days later totally like he could have been like under his real name like oh yeah i went to fucking i went to fucking i went to fucking i went to fucking Chile or something. And I never understand the

looking this, like, just, I would shave my head. Like, I don't know why you don't shave your head because they're looking for a guy with hair. I guess that one's different because you couldn't, you could only see him with someone's face. He should have shaved his fucking eyebrows. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You should shave the eyebrows.

Yeah. I'll get different contact length. Like, I don't know why people don't do different contacts. I mean, I always said this. This is truly like, this, I don't know what it is about, I do, like, do women do this? Do women ever go, how would you get away with crimes? Because, like, every, every group of guys

has this conversation. All the time. Are women ever like, yeah, what would you do if you murdered somebody? We're like, we got to do the contacts, man. And it's also like, we got to do the fucking safe house, bro. I think, I think for us it's fun because we aren't usually planning stuff.

It's like we have like an intricate escape plan, but we can't do dinner. Women are naturals at it. Think about women murderers. They get away with it almost all the time. I feel like. Drown kids. Casey Anthony.

Yeah, important case. Yeah. Import case. But it's, I don't know. I think there's, because I was,

what were we talking about before? The, the, I don't know, I was thought, but it was a similar thing where, like I heard on a podcast

like Genghis Khan, he would, women weren't warriors, but they were rulers because they're just so good at planning shit. Yeah, and it's the same

with the escape plan. I think they got it built in. Yeah. They don't talk about it, but they know it. You need like a side chick to be like, all right,

if I did this, how would we get away with this? She's like, I got a whole plan, maybe. I got a whole plan. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Well, I also, I've always said this. I would commit a crime in a different race. Like, it just makes sense to do, like, blackface. If you're going to commit murder.

If you're going to commit murder, like, you're not, like, above doing blackface. That's so funny. They would not be looking. Like, you could do it convincingly enough. The fact that you said, I've always said. Look, you know me. Yeah. And I've always said, I've always said that you would, yeah, doing blackface would be so fucking, to like,

it would be really truly one of the most incredible crimes is to kill somebody and then have the also moral outrage of like, Andy did blackface. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he did black. Or that's what they get you on. Yeah, Al Capone with. Yeah. Yeah, New York City at some point passed an anti-blackface law. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like, but. I feel like Like his black face was so good It could have been a black man Yeah We know he did do black face So he's getting arrested Yeah

Yeah I feel like though you You would Just the way cops work You'd be like no You'd want to be a white guy What do you mean? They would hunt down

The fucking black guy Bro Right That's a good point Yeah If they actually If they actually thought He was like

We're looking for a black man They're like All right well But if they're like But I'm saying You go into a bathroom Immediately And then you wipe it all off

Yeah Or I think There's just really good prosthetic stuff now you just get a fake face. You just kill someone as like Tom Cruise. Well, okay, but if you really,

I mean, the dark part of this is like, because if you look like, they don't have a crazy, I mean, the solve rate for murder is like okay. Yeah, yeah. But they still like, like, like, I think like, maybe it's like six out of ten murders are solved.

And a lot of it is because generally, like, any crime is connected to somebody you know. Yeah, yeah. But if you were like actually just a psycho, you just kill hookers. That's like what people do, right? Or like a homeless. guy or like or like if you were like if you want you would go to a different town kill a

rant not even hook or homeless just a random person and then leave that town and never go back like that type of shit is that's what scares me of like you could just be the wrong guy in somebody's path and like yeah he just wanted to kill yeah yeah yeah that's how like a lot of serial killers like it's just like oh i was just walking here and i saw this person i had no affiliation with them and then you just get killed because you were at the wrong place of the wrong time but those murders are so hard to solve because it's like it wasn't an angry spouse right it wasn't a co-worker

it was straight up like random and that's like that's why those dudes are fucking terrifying yeah because showing people pass through town dude like imagine I mean it's like we don't really live in this air anymore but like and that's why those movies are cool but like zodiac and shit where there is like a serial killer in your

city you're like what the fuck dude it would have been crazy if one of those guys found Luigi and then killed him because he's a perfect guy to kill he's a man on the run he's like oh you got no uh oh you got no family no friends yeah yeah let's get yeah well i saw it interesting we were watching a serial killing the other day and the guy had a really weird angle that i don't necessarily agree with it was a guy searching he was like i research serial killers uh not because uh i don't want to get inside the mind of the serial killer i want to

get inside the mind of the victim and what we need to do is uh protect the groups that are like it was very interesting and like he was like he was like he was like like we need to protect the elderly sex workers and homosexuals because they're most likely to get murdered by serial killers. It's just like we need to stop homophobia to stop. And I was like, this, I don't want to just feel like this sounds like a weird progressive thing, but it does kind of sound like a weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How would you even do that? Yeah, I was like, how are you going to, like, how are you going to protect old people more than we protect old people in terms of like stopping them from getting killed by a serial killer? It's also like got to not be

that good of a rush to kill an old person as a serial killer because you're like, it's got to feel better to practice round Yeah Yeah That's just so easy You're in the gym alone Yeah

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah It's just I don't know It's got to feel like So you're like

Yeah What do you think's the most satisfying Probably killing like it Like a strong man Like I know I know But it's hard

It's like you gotta find The balance It would be wild To watch you kill a strong man I'd be crazy I would be like Holy shit

Yeah I'd be like Jesus Christ Yeah Like a littleer guy who has like that. Yeah, fuck that. Yeah, there's just like,

um, it's also like, did you ever watch the show Barry? Yeah, yeah. Like, I feel like the scenes where he kills someone are so good because a lot of times it's not that he's like

the more athletic bigger one. He's just the one that's more down to kill. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's just like the grabbing the gun and shooting you is like when it's actually having people panic, but it's just someone who's calm, cool, and collected that's insane enough to take a life that usually wins.

Oh, it's like the insane guy that wins more than, I mean, size obviously plays the biggest role, but like, there's just so many psychos that will take anyone down because they're psychos. Well, I learned that like strength, because I was talking to my brother about it, he does fighting. Apparently strength is like not as big of, like, weight and speed matters, but apparently like the power of a punch is weight and speed or mass and speed. It's not, like, so like you could be real, I mean, obviously like these things go together. It's like obviously

if you're stronger, you could do certain things, like put somebody in a headlock. But apparently like punching wise, like being really strong does not like a job. giant advantage. No, like, if you know how to throw a real punch, you can knock out a big dude who's way stronger than you. Yeah, which I don't know how to do either. Yeah. And I'm not strong.

Yeah. It's like that guy Sean O'Malley is a fucking stick figure, but he, it's just really lanky. Yeah. And then he's got a ton of torque, so it just like whips around and knocks people out. Yeah. Welcome to the Joe Rogan experience. That's all I know about. Yeah.

A lot of torque. A lot of torque. I've been like weirdly standing up, because I bitched out a couple weeks ago, I had some I tried to fight me after a show. So like... No way. Because what are you set on stage? So like I said I'll read...

Whatever. I said the story last week. Who cares? You hear it again. Fucking listeners. I said that so... I'm like fucking listeners. Like a bitch.

But some guy like I was like talking about gay stuff on stage and this guy's like... It's like, like, who dude's like, never talk about men having sex with men in front of women, which is just an absurd rule. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I only got to do that with the boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so funny. I love this thing.

It's like, don't use bad language in front of women. women. It's like, I have sex with women. I look women's butt holes. So it's like, wild to be like, don't curse him. Oh, he was saying it in more of like, yo, there are women here. We don't talk about this type of thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, weird. It was the dumb rule. But anyways, the guy tried to fight me after the...

Wait, wait, wait, it went from that to I'm about to be your ass? Well, I told him to shut the fuck up, and it was in front of his wife, so he was just like, you know, and then after the show, he was like, where the fuck is he? And I was just... Is this at the pair? No, no, no. This is in Providence. But somebody, because my dad... His back is

Getting your ass beat at the pair gotta be a pretty low Yeah You're like I was so close To get my ass beat at the cellar Yeah I'm a block away from the cellar dog Beat my ass there

Yeah Can we move this fight over here? But But I was a pair of securities This place didn't have Which is fine Because it's like They didn't expect this to happen

Yeah The guy's like back to his turn to me While I hear him talking about me He's like Where the fuck is that guy Is the second he walks outside His life's gonna change He just know where the fuck I'm from

His life, dude, scary. That's scary. Oh, it's terrifying. His life is going to change. It's like a crazy way to say I'm on the fuck somebody up. Giant hood black, dude. Like six,

I'm adding inches every week to his height. Seven, four. Nine, nine inch, ten inch cock. 11 inch. The cock was insane. You could see it in his pants. Yeah. But his life is going to change.

That's like one of the scarier things I've heard. The funniest thought I had, though, he's like, he has no idea where I'm from. I'm like, yeah, I wasn't hosting, so I have no idea. I did not ask that question But then he turns I was like I introduced myself Because I'm like eventually He's gonna see me

And then he's like You never tell another man to shut the fuck up He goes You walk outside that door Anything can happen Like your life could change immediately He's like He's like

He's like you have no idea Who I am or where I'm from And then I eventually shook his hand Because he's like he's like I was like I was trying to not be a total bitch But also not fight the guy I was like look

I'm just trying to do my job I'm not trying to be disrespectful I'm just trying to do my job up there I'm not I'm trying to do my job. You interrupted me. But then I shook his hand, which I felt like a pussy about.

But anyways, because of... No, no, no. I think a handshake is like, yo, we're gonna solve this like dudes. Yeah.

That's totally fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't feel like a bitch. Okay. If you'd like kissed his boots or something, we would have... Yeah, but like, if you're like,

yo, bro, that's how you like stop a fight. It's like, come on, man. Like, are we really gonna fight? You're really about to, like, get in a fight time. You're gonna beat my ass in front of your wife. Like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, no, I think that's not a bitch move. Thank you. You would have been a way bigger bitch if you were just got your face changed. What do you? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

If we were doing this while you were talking through a fucking, like, like, you know, up to, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think, I mean, dude, like, I played pickup basketball my whole life. A lot of that shit is just like a lot of talk. And then it's like, come on, bro. Like, are we really about to fucking, like, are we really about to do? Like, you really want to fight about some bullshit like this. Like, I should have told him, I'm, like, fighting me's,

literally like me fighting a baby. This is so unfair. Yeah. This is unfair. Yeah. What would you prove by kicking my ass? Yeah. Like beating a comic's ass in Providence is not the win.

I think he thought it was going to do. No, I was like, everybody would have been like, of course. Yeah. It's like, yeah. Yeah. Be his ass. Like no shit.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Was his wife there? Yeah. What was her reaction? Because it's always weird watching the women because sometimes women are like egging them on.

Because they feel like they got to be like, yeah, my man doesn't. Or sometimes. Sometimes it's like sadder when they're like, babe, come on. Yeah, yeah. Stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she was just like, I'm not, like, she was just uninvolved.

He does this every week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it wasn't like, but then since then I, like, weirdly have been like, okay, let's stand the ground. Like, I got like a thing with, like, there's some guy on the train. Well, I just had, like, I don't know, the other day I was walking by like a PETA thing. And I'm, like, curious about veganism.

This will all relate at some point. I start stories over here. It's all they do. Yeah. It's the weave, what Trump would call. Yeah, but I see this, like, the, you know, like, the vegan, um, they're wearing, like, the V for Vendetta masks holding, like, videos of, like, animals being, like, yeah, yeah. And I was, like, curious about it, because, like, I'm, I'm an open-minded guy.

I'm like, let me hear about veganism. And then the guy just starts coming up to me and being such a dick. He's like, so why do you think it's okay to kill animals? And I'm like, this what? It was this, like, European guy who just starts, like, immediately starts a conflict. He's just got to be one of the biggest failures. Yeah, it's like, you're a terrible salesman. He's like, so you think it's okay to take the, he's like, so you think it's okay to

take the laugh of an animal. Then I'm like, I'm curious about your organization. Right, right, yeah, yeah. It's just funny to be like, I got pushed out by the 6-4 black dudes, so you know how I'm going to become a man? Try to fight a vegan. I just punched the guy in the face of Peter.

I'm like, shut out. He just turns to dust. Yeah, it was just so funny. I was like, I don't know, man, I'm trying to learn more. He's like, your actions speak louder than your words, so your words don't matter. I'm like, this is such bad.

But then immediately I got on the train and some guy like shoved me with his arm, and he was like a brook. hipster and I immediately just like snapped and I was like, why the fuck did you push me? I turned into like a douche. I was like, why'd you push me? It goes, I was just, I was like, there's no reason to be a fucking dick, dude. Everybody's trying to get where they're fucking going. And I just like, the fact that in your mind, you just see the vegan guy still, you're just like, this was all because of a fucking piece of shit vegan. Yeah.

This fucking vegan guy pissed me off today. Yeah. But stuff like this just keeps happening to me where it's just these weird, I don't know. Well, I mean, that, it really does suck now. Like, not like it was ever probably a great time, but I do feel like there was just like a time probably in this country before, like, everybody had a gun or everybody had like real training where it was like, at most, like, maybe a few punches could be thrown and then it would be like done. But now it's like, everybody is like trying to get like a video of a guy like literally getting his face kicked in.

That's a good point. So it's like, it's, I don't know. Like, now I'm just like, I do anything to have like, I'm like, if anybody ever wanted a fight, I just like, we're going. Like, I have nothing to prove because it's just like, you just don't know anymore, like, it's so easy to have a weapon in this country.

Oh, totally. That, like, if your last moment, it's like, why the fuck did you do that? And you're like, oh, damn, I'm bleeding out on the, on the C train right now. Like, I'm not, I don't want to go out that way. But I don't think it's gotten, you're good. I don't think it's gotten easier than it was, like,

I think the 70s are probably more people with gun. You don't think so? No, I think, no, no, I think it's just different. I think it was different. I think the, there was maybe, like, more, average people with guns, but not more... Right, now there's more, like, internet, radical, yeah, crazy.

Yeah, I mean, dude, it's like every other day. If you just, you could spend all day being, like, subway ass kickings, and it would just, it would be like, it would never end. Yeah, and it was just like... But, but, like, I feel like in the 70s, you're more likely to get fucked up on the subway than now. Yeah, maybe because it was, like, the 70s in New York was, like, more dangerous, but just in general, in general, more people have martial arts training now than they ever did.

That's a great point. So it's, like, even if you're not getting a knife or a gun, it's like, oh, dude, like, I'm a blue belt. I'll beat your fucking ass, you know? And it's like, it's not just like a bar fight anymore. It's like, bro, like, this guy is literally, like, trained. Also, people are mentally ill. Everyone's on edge from looking at their phones all day.

So I think this, the snapping comes so much easier. Like, like, I mean, I've, I'm never trying to fight, obviously. But, like, I snapped at some guy the other day because I'm like, get on the subway to go sit down and he's like, excuse me. I'm like, I'm literally sitting down. I turn around, he's fucking like, six, five. I'm like, this guy could have killed me. It was the same guy at the comedy club.

He's going around trying to fuck us up. And I'm also like, I'm an in-between where like I'm not trying to fight people ever. Yeah. But I'm just trying to find if there's a balanced way to just like stand up for myself while also not like... Like, I think you got to go like Larry David all the time. I think it's got to be like neurotic and annoyed versus like, like, like, fuck you. Yeah, yeah.

Because if you're like, hey, why are you doing this? Yeah, yeah. How many people are going to beat that dude's ass? But if you're like, what the fuck are you doing? Then it's like, oh, these are basically like aggressive words now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you're like, I noticed that you kind of bumped me.

Yeah, right, right. How many people are like, well, I did, you know, then it's like, then you kind of can like use your mind. Right. Versus like, you still might get like brushed off. But like, you're probably not going to get your ass beat. Totally. But there's a weird balance in between those two.

where like some people, if they see weakness, will go further. Sure. So it's like a weird balance to try to figure out you're like, you have to literally mentally be like, is not that offense never work. Like there's no reason to be offensive because you want to avoid a fight at all costs. Yeah.

I'll pull a bitch out if I need to. I pulled a bitch out of here recently. Like you said bitch to a guy? No, I was biking. This car almost hits me and I got so mad and I was like, oh, I had a fucking drive. And then he lowers the window, stops the car, and he's like, I will fuck you off.

And I was like, You got it I've been just right out I've been just right out I've done the exact same thing Same exact scenario Like literally I was like I was like fuck you

I'm in the like you're driving In the bike lane He goes you wanna fucking fight me right now I was like nope Yeah yeah yeah Like I will maybe try to stand up for myself But then as soon as someone like Is like okay let's go

I'm like nah now I was joking I was joking You have to like I think people are pretty good at eyeing it up though Like if you see a guy on the subway Here you're like All right like I get the vibe here That this guy probably is not gonna want to fight

you can like do it but there are times where you're just like I'm not I'm not saying shit to this guy yeah but then it's like it is weird like there was that video a few years ago before I lived in New York where it was like this dude got on the subway with like his four kids and he was like get the fuck out of my way me and my kids it was packed it was like a pretty viral video because it was like around like the George Floyd time and he was black and they were like white so everybody was like it was tense right yeah and he's like you know he was kind of crazy he's like out of his mine. He had a bunch of kids with him. He's like, me and my kids need to sit down. And people were like, dude, there's nowhere

to sit. I don't know what you want. Yeah. And it was a lady being like, kind of like, hey man, like, you got to chill out. It was like a rush hour train. Yeah, yeah. And he was like, if you say that shit to me again, I'll fucking beat your ass. And she goes, I'm telling you to chill out. And he slapped her. And the guy she was, it looked like he was

like, didn't do anything. And then it's like, look, dude, in that scenario, the guy was way bigger and stronger. You just have to hear your ass beat. Yeah. It sucks, dude. It does suck, but, like, truly, like, he, like, slapped her, and, like, the whole energy of the train, like, looked at the guy she was with. It's like, what are you going to do? And he just looked down at the ground.

It was, like, the most bitch-made video. And it's like, look, dude, it's going to suck, but you're out of subway. You're not alone. The fight will probably get broken up. You might get a couple under the face, but you have to hit him. 100%. You cannot let your lady get slapped by a strange man and just be like, so what's our? You know, like he just, he looked at everything in his power not to do anything.

And it was just like, bro, she's going to, if she doesn't dump your ass or divorce your ass, she's going to hate you for the rest of her life. Yeah. Yeah. He looks at her and he's like, what did you say? Apologize this black king right now. Yeah, it was, it was one of the more bitch made performances. You just have to be like, all right, there are certain scenarios where I'm going to get my ass beat.

Oh, totally. Also could potentially not just immediately. throw a punch. You could also be like, do you fucking hit a woman right now and just like get rally the truth? Yeah, but the hard part about that though is like

then he's gonna, he's gonna get the first punch on you. You think so? I think you have to, I think you have to immediately go for his face or throat and just be like, hopefully,

hopefully I get a couple and then the train like chaos ensues. Yeah, yeah. It's, you know, it might be different if you were like alone. You're like, dude,

I might die because this guy might not stop hitting my head against the concrete. But when you're in like a train scenario, and he's got kids, you're like, I have to hit you, I'm sorry. Yeah, well, what you got to do is I would start hitting him and then tell my wife, like, babe, hop in.

This is you, he hit you. Get your revenge now. Yeah, yeah, hit him in the balls while I hit him in the face. Yeah, yeah. I immediately was like, oh, I would be a bitch, but I realized I actually wasn't a similar thing. I was in college, and this guy pushed my girlfriend.

We're at like a, like a VIP where we're in like a booth. This guy pushed my girlfriend. So I pushed him back, and then he socked me in the face and then ran into the crowd. And then for three days, I guess this guy was friends with some guy in my fraternity he pulled a gun on a chick

And nobody could just get rid of him Because nobody would just like stand up to this Because it was like What was gonna do? This guy has like a gun He's like he's like the friends of somebody In this fraternity and like Jesus

It's just out of his mind yeah Yeah my friend's I got to witness one where I was at a bar in the Upper East Side And some guy is like trying to hit on my friend's girlfriend I guess And my friend's like not even paying attention Because he's like whatever And then she was

She said something to like tell him to get away And he called her a bitch And my friend just turns around And just no has punches him right in the face, and he like stumbles back, and then slowly just see blood coming down his forehead. And we were like, well, that was pretty awful. That's pretty cool.

Yeah, yeah. Because no one feels bad for the guy. Like I got punched in the face. It's like he called her a bitch. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. One time I was like this like kind of festival thing.

In a guy, he like slapped my girlfriend's ass as she walked by. And I, which was, and I always wish I'd punch him, but I just grabbed this. him. I was like, what the fuck are you doing? And he was like, and he immediately was like, I'm fucked up. But I do kind of wish you were like, it would have been cooler just to hit him. Oh, yeah. But you're just like, you're in that moment we're like, fuck. Like, it's like that split second of like, all right, he did something wrong, but it wasn't so, like, he didn't hit her or anything. He, like, he was drunk and smacked a woman's ass, which you shouldn't do, obviously. And he didn't clearly know the guy walking, like, we were further enough apart that it wasn't like we were holding hands.

so you just thought there was a woman alone, which is like creepy. But I, and he just like immediately was like, my dude, I'm so far. I'm so sorry. And then then it's harder to hit a guy

because you're like, fuck, he's like immediately trying to solve it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you are just like, I should have just hit him. Yeah,

well, because you're like, that's such an insane thing. It's very funny to be like, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize this stranger I assaulted was somebody's girlfriend. I thought she had no boyfriends.

But once you don't hit somebody immediately, your brain is giving your reasons not to hit them. Right. Yeah. Your brain is trying to deescalate. And so when a guy is like, like, dude, I'm so sorry.

You know, you're less like, well, fuck. Now if I hit him, it's like, it's been a few seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My brain is telling me like, it's over, you know? Yeah, yeah, you missed your window.

Well, yeah. I think it's also like, like, it's hard also to maybe, like, hit someone if they don't. Like, if they hit your girl, that's license to hit someone. Yeah. But otherwise, like, it would suck.

If someone just, like, said something, you hit a guy and then he presses charges. it's like totally possible. Dude, my mom, my mom is like, I really need to pee. Can you guys continue? Yeah, of course.

My mom was like, is the queen of like, hey, I saw this one scenario. Like, she was, when we were like starting to go to the bars, she would be the mom who'd be like, hey, don't get any, don't get in a bar fight because,

and then she would say like the craziest news story. He's like, because there was a bar fight the other night and one guy hit another guy and he fell and hit his head on this man. He's dead now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, she was like,

she was the mom who would always, bring that up and you're like, mom, like, I don't do that shit. Yeah. You know, but also like most likely that would never happen. But, you know, she would just be like, yeah, you can never be too careful. You might hit one guy and he might, and he immediately cracks his head open and now you're in jail for the rest of your life. I was like, true.

True. Thank you. Yeah, it's fucked up. There was a period of my life where my friends would just get into so many fights. They're just like all Irish Catholic kids. Yeah. A lot of them liked fighting. Oh, yeah.

And I just avoided it so much. But, yeah, like, one of my friends just, there's, like, multiple occasions where someone, like, had wronged him, like, when we were kids. Yeah. And then to be out of a bar and just out of left field, punch this guy in the face. And I'm like, this guy has no idea he's about to get hit. Like, you could literally really fucking hurt somebody. I feel like you got to give, you got to be like, let's fight. Yeah, let's fight.

But to just go up and cold clock someone is crazy. Yeah. That's crazy. There's one fight. One of my friends hits a kid over the head with a bottle. I'm like, bro, you could literally go to jail. Yeah. You have to.

I think people, though, who are. wired to like be like we got a fight they don't that's like part of their wiring is like I'm not thinking of the next thing yeah because you're so impulsive yeah it's like that's part of the reason why they like to fight a lot is because they're like no it's right now it's like yeah but what if you

what if X Y or Z happens it's like I don't what the fuck I don't know which I'm always that's the yeah also there's a kid from my neighborhood who was like one of the older kids but he was like this huge Irish guy like 6-4 Irish kid and I just would see the outcome

comes to some fights he was in, and I was like, I'd never want to be in a fight. Because, like, there was a kid that was on a feeding tube for months after he fought this kid, and it was just like, it scared me off fighting. Because I'm like, there's people that are like, like, he's big, you could tell he's. Yeah, but I'm also, I'm never like, what if I fuck this guy is so much? He's going to be on a feeding tube. No, no, I wouldn't be that guy. I'm like, I'm the feeding tube.

I'm the feeding tube guy. I'm the feeding tube guy. I'm the feeding tube guy. I'm the feeding tube. I'm 100%. So, like, I just knowing those people exist from a young age, I'm just like, I've never been interested in fighting because I'm like, I've seen just horrible outcomes. You know what I

kind of want right now? Now that you mentioned the feeding tube thing, I really want like an injury where I could just take a break for a month from everything but like have an excuse to take a break. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like maybe, if I could just like break my ankle right about now? ACL. Yeah, something like that. It feels a good one. What's like the best hospitalization where you don't

have a lot of serious repercussions? I think ACL might be the best one. Would you go to the hospital for that though? Oh, well, I guess you just need to be laid up for a month, but you'd have to have surgery. I just want a week off of everything. But I have no excuse to give myself a week off because I haven't been productive enough. My grandfather's in the... I mean, he's fine.

He's in the hospital, but he went for, like, being old and dehydrated. Yeah. So you can do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you give yourself a week off? Because I just, I have not earned it. Like, Christmas, I just was, like, crazy

and partied in Florida. But I made it a bunch of shows, but I, like, I didn't really like... And then this month, I've been, like, kind of productive. But I'm like, I don't know. I just want to, like, I need an excuse to do nothing. Week off from what? What are you looking for a week off from? Just everything.

I just need it. Like comedy and work. Yeah. Do you work? Are you working? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a comedy and work. Yeah, yeah.

That's doable. But it's like, I don't know because I took like, I took five days off comedy in December, which isn't that much, but I'm like, I don't know. I feel like I haven't earned enough to like take a week off. There's no such thing as earning. Yeah. You just needing. Yeah.

You need it. You need it? I don't think you have to, because if you just wait until you earn it, you're just going to like half ass everything and leading. You know what I'm saying? But I also want the empathy of being in the hospital. I want some nice text and stuff like that. Shot, gunshot.

There you go. Getting shot the leg. I mean, honestly, like, save somebody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get shot in the leg? Perfect hospitalization. This is going to be, like, a thing where I fucking, like, jinks myself and getting, like, a serious car accident, like, tomorrow.

Yeah, this is the last podcast you ever do. Yeah. I'm fucking dead now. By dad, so we were, when we were kids, we were in, we did, like, a European vacation, and my dad, uh, we were in Switzerland's the last day of the vacation. And he's like, you know, I would love to take. take like a like a helicopter ride that'd be so cool and then he took a mountain bike trip and flipped over and broke his neck he's fine because like the red cross like he's like basically

totally healed but it's just such a funny thing to be like man i really wish i could take a helicopter and then get airlifted yeah yeah yeah that's lairis and i didn't oh he got airlifted yeah oh shit yeah yeah damn that's crazy and i didn't know the funny bar is i didn't know that my parents had conversations like before the surgery where they're like you know if he's on life support do we pull the plug and like I was just like out of the room for that apparently there's like really intense discussion fuck and I was just like hospitals are smelly but like low key my parents are like you might never walk again yeah you might have a you might have no father's yeah this story yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah be doing this still if you if my yeah probably I think uh if I think I

I think I would have started earlier probably if I didn't have a dad some Chris Brown has the you know Chris Brown the comment yeah has a joke about like dad's holding you back and it is kind of true. Sometimes they think your dad holds you, because your mom is very, moms are always like, you could literally do anything. Yeah, yeah. You could be like the greatest whatever you want to be. But dads are just so much more reasonable that they're like,

you should, you know, you're not going to be in the NBA, you're five, six. You know what I'm saying? Like, they tell you shit. So it's like you kind of lose dreams because of your dad. Oh, yeah, my dad's never once been like, you're going to be a successful thing. And my mom, my dad definitely does not think I'm going to be successful in comedy at all.

I think he is zero. What type of family are you from, though? Are you from, like, both parents have, like, it sounds like good jobs and stuff? So my mom doesn't have a job. Okay, so your dad must have a good job. Yeah, my dad has a good job. But it's like, I think it his, like,

and I wonder, my mom is, like, supportive, but I wonder, like, if that's just, I wonder if she's just like, you're gonna do group. Like, you know, I wonder if it's just mom stuff versus, but she did ask me one time. She's like, why do you think you will be successful? And I had to, like, map out reasons. Yeah, I was like, brutal.

Yeah, my parents. parents have never done that. I do wonder, like, I just want to know, like, not even about the success, because, like, they've actually been pretty, like, they're very, like, it's your life. Yeah, yeah. Because both of them, like, my mom was a social worker, my dad, like, it's not like they were, like, white collar. I feel like probably the higher up your parents are, they're like, you better fucking do. Oh, totally. Whereas, like, my parents had good middle class jobs, but it wasn't like they were like, and someday you'll run the company, son. You know, my mom was a fucking social work for 45 years and my dad was like, but so like,

I don't even really worry about them like being like, you're making it or not making. I honestly just want to be like, I like, I dropped a special a few months ago and we don't, we don't talk about my work. Like, we don't talk about jokes, but I know they watched it and you're just like, what was the comment? Like, I just want to be like, fuck, dude. Not even like, because it's like, they're my parents. So my sense of humor probably isn't theirs, but you're like, are they just like, God,

is that what our son you know like that's how fun that's what I worry about more is they're just like you're doing a squirting joke you know like you're just like that is my parents that's the type of shit where I'm like

am I just not even a disappointment as like oh you should have been a lawyer or whatever but more like if you're going to be a comedian why are you doing this type of comedy that's like my biggest fear but there's a weird thing where like I was out on the road recently with Jordan her mom came to the show

and her mom is like so active in her career and they like sat down after and her mom's like giving her notes about like and she actually values her mom's opinion and I was like this is so because my parents will just say overwhelmingly positive stuff but it almost seems like just an easy way out. Yeah. We're not actually absorbing the content like of what you're saying. They've watched me a few times but it's like they're active participants and they just always say good stuff but there's no like I was like just watching Jordan's mom.

I was like oh shit my parents were never like actually go line for line like through my sound with me. Like there's no way that would ever happen. They don't care about the comedy like that. That's crazy. My brother is my biggest fan. That's cool. Yeah, yeah.

But my parents are like this, like my dad, like my parents tried to listen to my podcast and they were like, they did it for a while. My dad would give me complaints. I'd tell him to stop complaining because I'm not going to change a thing. And then he was like, eventually just got, he's like, it got, it got grosser. He's like, he's like, it got so gross. He's like, I can't listen to it anymore. Yeah.

He is like, I think my dad is severely like unproud of me. but he's not a dick like he's a nice guy and like, I've borrowed money from him so I can't like I can't be mad at him and be like oh fuck you it's like

but it is really funny to just be like this is like he couldn't he's like I can't listen to he's like it disturbs me to hear your podcast yeah

what does your brother do? He works for my dad but like he we had a really good moment where I brother saw me do a show and I did really well on it he was like yeah it's fine but then he saw me like

unravel on a show and like really be myself and he's like that was awesome He's like, that was you. I didn't do as well as I did the first show, but he's like, that was cool to see you, like, handle the bomb and, like, kind of went over a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I can't even perform in front of pretty much any of my family. I've done it. I hate it. I can't be myself. My parents come, and I don't like it. The last Rick, real roughs that I had when my, it was my brother and his now wife, I guess, but they were just dating. It was him, her, and then she brought her parents.

and I was like, it's like a small club. It's not like it wasn't like a big, it would be different if it was like, yeah, there's 400 people here, but it was like a 70, you know,

and I just know where they are truly the entire time. And you're just like, every joke you're like, I wonder if they hated that. You know, like, you're not supposed to have that voice

when you're on stage. No, but I want to combat it this way. So like, I get so, I'm the same way as you, like, I mean,

the idea of my ex-girlfriend's family coming to see me is like the biggest nightmare. Yeah. So like I totally understand. But what I want to start doing is just fucking invite every motherfucker to every show to the point where I just don't care anymore. Because it's got to be like a good exposure to be like. That's true.

Like I'm too, I'm very frustrated with myself comedically because I'll have these moments where I like, like, even last night where you just have like a lack of authenticity where like I was going to do this one joke. And then like, that's not going to do this joke. Versus just being like, this is what I'm doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's true. I mean, I mean, you get to a point where you're big enough. people in your life are going to come see you.

Yeah, yeah. Like your mom, you're like, you know, they're going to come because it's like, oh, you're doing well. We want to see you do this. And it should be, you should be over that. But it is tough.

Like, I don't know. There's this thing where I'm always like, damn, this is what I'm doing with my life, huh? I just feel the heaviness of it. Like, I don't really feel that when I'm just doing a normal show. But when it's like, damn, these people know me off stage very well,

it's weird to be like, yeah, this is what I'm doing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's just like, you're just like, I am telling you this is what I'm pursuing. And like that declaration is kind of like, fuck. Yeah, yeah, totally. Because no one cares about that at a normal job.

Like, my brother is in recruiting. He never really had to be like, and I'm a recruiter now. And I'm going to sleep on a couch. It's like, he's just like, it's a job. And no one's like, you're recruiting, huh? Yeah. That's what you're going to do with your. Like, like, this is like, no, he has a good job.

He makes good money. But like, when you do comedy, people are like, they just, there's so many arrows they can sling at you. like you're never that funny or oh dude the amount of people who will be like oh he was always so quiet I didn't think you know like it's like yeah I was thinking of fucked up jokes all the time I was roasting you in my brain

but yeah that I think that is like that's like such a weird thing I almost it almost seems easier when families are like we don't support them and we just let him like I envy that all the time yeah yes because you're like overwhelmingly support because they won't even do the like that's really what you're doing

I would welcome that. It's kind of like just like a positive version of that. Like, oh, you're just doing comedy now. That's great. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. I don't feel, it doesn't feel genuine at all. But yeah, it's just like, it makes you feel like silly. It makes you feel pathetic because you're like everyone's telling me I'm doing great.

Yeah. But I don't feel like I am. Right. So it feels like everyone's lying to me. Yeah. But you're just like one on. But I'm just saying like, not really.

Like not as far as like making a. not by the comparison of my other family members. You know, your cousin who's an engineer that, like, makes hundreds of thousands a year and actually is building something. And you're like, I'm literally, like, working on a joke about incest right now. Yeah. It's just a little hard to take them seriously in that context. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, hearing it from a comics, nice, hearing it from your aunt is terrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the worst thing. Yeah. Well, I think, and the hard part is, is the truth is it really doesn't matter what those people think of you. No, because there's just people like anything else. Yeah, and it's like they really, it's like if they think you're like a loser, it doesn't, they still love you, they're just feeling bad for you.

Yeah. That doesn't matter. Yeah. Like you, they still will have a relationship with you. So that doesn't matter. All that's going on is in your head, you're feeling that stuff. Yeah. They're not an agent.

They're not a book or a comedy club. So it really doesn't matter, but it really does affect you more than like, like, like, not more than, but like, in your mind, but it's like, it's all mental. Just because they like, dude, they literally like changed your diapers. Yeah. For them to also be like, yeah, my son's a comic. Yeah, you know, you're just like... You clean shit out of my asshole. Yeah.

Yeah, it's weird. But, yeah, I mean, overall, like, my family is pretty cool about it. And I think it's more internal shit than... It's not from them. Like, I just more just like the worry of things than it actually probably is like their actual judgment. Yeah, totally. People really aren't... People are so self-centered.

Yeah. They're like, they're thinking about their shit all the time. They're like, oh, he's doing that thing. Or, like, it's maybe a little weird and not as cool as I thought it was, but like, whatever. It's so funny you always think about people. thinking they're like they hate me whatever and it's like if you could read their minds they're just like they hate me they like they think I'm not cool because I'm not a comic yeah I'm a fucking loser they think I'm such a sellout yeah I'm to show them I'm cool by smoking this joint in front of them

I wonder like especially post pandemic like that level of like internalized awkward that like is projected out as like this awkward interaction is like it's like an epidemic like everyone has it and I never know like did these people hate me or do they hate themselves and think I hate them. It's like a constant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, and I think the thing, too, is like, I have that constantly. It's like, I think overall I have a lot of confidence, but it, it's up and down. It's like, some days, I really think people hate me for like no fucking reason. Like my roommates, I'll be like, they fucking hate me because I came and drunk last night. And they like, yeah, but it's not really what's happening. No, no. And honestly, it's like, even if they do hate you, it's kind of like, I mean, maybe not the roommate situation because you're being a dick.

But just in general, if you have, like, an interaction. we're like, oh, I don't know, maybe that went well, maybe that didn't. Like, you start, I, like, noticed, like, as I've gotten older, I'm like, I do care less and less. Yeah, not even, like, a brag thing. Just, like, you just start to realize, like, every year you get older, like, life is short. I just, if this person doesn't like me, I'm not going to, like, fret about it. I used to be, like, you know, you used to be, like, asking people, like, do you think

they fucking hate it? And now I'm just, like, that was weird, but if who, like, at the end of the day, the worst thing is somebody hates you. Yeah, yeah. There's 8 billion people. Yeah. Like, I just, I don't know. You start to, like, lose a little bit of that as you age, which is not, at least for me.

You also burn out from caring. Yeah. You just, like, are like, I'm too tired to care. Yeah. And then it just, like, the being authentic stuff just becomes so much easier because you're, like, it's actually less. Like, it takes effort to be authentic when you're younger, but when you get older, you're like, it's, like, so hard to fake it. Yeah. It's just so hard to fake it.

So I have to be authentic because it's, like, the lazy route, actually. Yeah. You know. Yeah, totally. It's just easier. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah. I think me, because I'm, like, 28.

I'm still in that point where I'm like, still like, ooh, people, like, I'm like, you know what I mean? It's like that there's still that little voice in my head that like is. I mean, I think that's always probably there to some extent. Like some people are better at it than others. But I just think time kind of erodes that from you because you're just like, you just start to think about it logically like, okay, this person and I had this thing. Like how many times have I had a weird interaction and then my left and going, I hate that person? Like there's like five people on planet Earth that I hate. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's like because it's like most of it is like they like fucked me over in a way that's like kind of more unforgivable. Or they're doing better online than me. Or they're doing it. I'm annoyed by a lot of people. Yeah, there's a lot of annoy. Also, there's like so many people you think you hate and then you totally forget why. Yeah, they have a conversation.

There's literally like three people that probably have wronged you enough that it's like a lifelong grudge. People have wronged me way worse and I don't hate them than people who I hate for no reason. Like I'll see a guy wearing like a hat I don't like and I'm like, fuck that piece of shit, but then my friend has stolen from me and fought me and I'm like,

yeah, I don't know. It all is. Yeah, I don't know. You just like, because at some point you're going to be like, all right, I've entered this kind of last phase

of my life. And I feel like the people who are happiest get there, they get that knowledge earlier. They're like, I'm going to die. Yeah.

What is actually important? Yeah. And then you go from there. Yeah. That's like the whole like trick of all life. It's like, all right,

it's going to end. reverse engineer that, do I want to remember a day where I was like pissed. Yeah, totally. And then if you can get a lot of the... I mean, obviously you're human, so you're gonna have bad ones,

but if you can get more of those days stacked up, we're like, oh yeah, like, this was awkward, but that's it. Yeah, yeah. That's the end of it. Well, it's also funny to, like, think of somebody that hates you and be mad that they don't like you

because they don't like you because they think different than you. But it's like... I'm trying to think a way to like... There's like a few people I know who like definitely don't like me and like I'm okay with that because the reasons they don't like me I find completely bitch made.

Yeah. When it's like in your brain is built a certain way that's different than theirs. So it's like they don't like me but I clearly like they're my thoughts. You know what I mean? Like I've built this person so they don't like the person that I built so why would I care if they liked me because this is why I am. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Someone

doesn't like you because you said something you genuinely believe, then who cares? If someone doesn't like you because you said something you thought they wanted to. to hear and they're like, oh, you're actually, that's actually retarded. And you're like, oh, I think that it's retarded, but I just was trying to put you. Then you have to hate yourself. Yeah, yeah, like, that's when it's, so that's why it's like, yeah, it's just easier to be like yourself.

I mean, it's hard, but it's like, it's become so much easier because how many times you've said something you didn't believe and then people judge you for it. Dude, that was just going to, who cares? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trump 2024, you know? Trump 2028, bro. Yeah, that is a funny thing to it. I was like, like, yeah, it's really funny. because it happens. Sometimes you just say things like

I've said so many times when somebody does something that I don't think is actually racist I'll be like yeah that's so racist and I'll be like I don't actually that's racist. I was like I just don't want you to think I'm racist. Dude I've been in like some long car rides where like of course the fucking conversation somehow shifts to politics and you're like and I'm not like right well I'm just

like pretty much centrist like I'm very liberal on some issues conservative on others and like I'm like I feel like I'm stepping over landmines right now and everything I'm saying is a complete fraud and it's just so that I have I could coexist with this person for the next three hours. And then I hate myself after, especially if I say something and they're like,

oh, that's dumb. And I'm like, fuck, I think that's dumb too. But it's too late. You're right. I think blackface for, to get away with the crime is actually pretty sure. If the mics weren't on, I would have agreed. Yeah. In dating, it's like, impossible. My favorite thing are like, when you see on dating

profiles are women like, if you're a Trump supporter swipe right, and it's like, way to just give me a roadmap directly to your pussy. Because it's like, you think somebody's not going to lie to fuck you. It's like, that's insane. Well, there's an always sunny episode where they're talking about dating Gen Z and he's like, all you have to do

is just repeat whatever they said back to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, I think, you know, there needs to be a revolution. It's like, I do think there needs to be a resolution. You just have to be like, it's almost easier to do that than even come up with your own fake opinion.

Yeah. Just say the exact thing. But I am at the point, too, where it's like, with dating, it's like, there's no time. It doesn't make sense for me to be not who I am. So I'm like, but I'm not a political guy. So I can easily, I default completely to,

I'm not political. I didn't vote. I'm like, I go, I'm left leaning, but like I did vote. I mean, I voted Kamala. I regret. I was a traitor to my own call. But we're at a fucking hour now. Anything you guys want to promote?

I have a special out on YouTube called Live from Portland. It's been out since October. So, yeah, go check that out. That's really all I'm trying to get just a few more reviews each day. I would also like to promote Jake's special live in Portland. Jake Velasquez has been a huge supporter of the numbers. The numbers game. He was a big checking guy.

I check in. He goes, how the number's doing? You got to check in. Got to check in. I have, like, two or three friends put a special out in the past year, and I'll, there was, like, for the four months after it came out, I would check it as though as my own. Yeah. See how they're doing.

He's a supportive guy. You share my reels before. He's a good guy. Oh, thank you. I'm here to support. Jake is here for the cause. I'm here for the cause. Anything you want to promote?

No, no. I got nothing. I truly have nothing to promote. Yeah. All right, sweet. Thank you guys. Yeah. Thanks.