Morning Good - I Don't Think That's Technically a Crime - Episode 79

Episode Date: May 11, 2022

Thanks to Paddy and Alan for coming back on the show together. It's always great to have the Fuck City team in the house. Make sure to follow them for more info on show dates, podcast appearances, etc.Paddy is on IG @paddy_is_funky and Twitter @paddydefino and Alan Fitzgerald is everywhere @fuckcityusa.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. I am the dumbest fucking idiot when it comes to podcast. We're recording now. Yeah, baby. We're with Patty Defino, and we're going to be joined by Alan. We're doing an overlap podcast. the second Patty has to go is when

I'm almost called Dalton Allen. He reminds me a Dalton pre. He is kind of like Dalton in a way. They both, I feel like they both kind of just float in their own world. They just do whatever the fuck they want. Yeah.

And like the world just shapes itself around them. They both went to rehab, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Both of them have drug problems or something. I picture Alan and that's such a funny thought to me. Yeah. Because I picture people telling their stories and he's like, yeah, I don't really give a shit.

Like somebody just like opening up about how they were like, molested or something. He's like, do you guys know there's Pop-Tarts around here? I can easily see him in a robe, though. Oh, you wear robes of rehab? I think, don't they? Or is that just in like the movies? I don't know.

Wait, wait. So you're saying, oh, like, uh, okay, I don't know what. I'm thinking of like a psych ward, I think. I don't think you wear robes and it's, no, you wear like, uh, are you taking a hospital game? Oh, it's like a hospital gal. Yeah, a robe is like, like, maybe like a Malibu rehab rehab. Yeah, like a Kanye West rehab or something.

Yeah, yeah. It's weird that he doesn't have a dress. drug problem. Like, well, no. I didn't watch the full documentary, but... Yeah. Yeah, I think, like, when you're, like, crazy enough, like, he is, life is just one big drug to you. Like, yeah, drugs make him not high. Yeah, yeah. Like, right needs to be on drugs, just like the right ones. Like, for us, drugs make us high. Yeah, for him, drugs make them not high. I was going to ask you, because your door just doesn't work. Yeah, you can break into my apartment. Honestly, people know where I live. All the listeners, they know where I live.

Oh, really? Yes, because fucking Rhino Tool yelled, which bar. Now I'm telling I've definitely said the bar as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The basis, I went down there last night, I was like, hey, I try to be so nice about it. The first time I've ever complained really about the sound. I was like, hey, I know you guys like to jam at. So first of it, I sound like

a fucking Vaj already. Yeah. I'm like, I'm a 25-year-old complaining about the noise downstairs at the bar that I knew I moved above. Yeah. And I was just like, hey, guys, is there any chance? I know you like to have fun on the weekends, have a good time. Was there your chance, like, Monday through Thursday? You guys could, like,

maybe just turn it down like a notch, just like a little bit quieter. And then they were like, yeah, totally. And then last night was just the loudest I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, that's like, that's one of the takes, I feel like just, it's nice to live a bar. I feel like I could have heard like a remix. I was surprised it wasn't like, but we were fuck Michael upstairs. If you're upstairs, you're a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. This one's for Michael.

Yeah. Dude, you know what I've been experiencing in my apartment, which is kind of, I don't know if you've had this, but like, gay sex. Close. Okay. Just heterosexual. sexual sex. I can hear it through the wall.

Dude, it is like one of the most arousing things. Like, dude, like hearing. We have a neighbor that Fox. I think it might be

upstairs. Like, but I just hear the bed and you're like, oh, no. This, dude, this is the, the juicy part about it.

I don't hear the bed because the bed is kind of like annoying and it's like, oh, they're fucking. But what I do hear is a lovely lady just fucking

like screaming in joy. Like just totally moaning. And dude, it's like the hottest fucking thing. But it'll hit at like three in the morning. So I'm just like, I'm like waking up and I'm like pissed. I'm like, what the fuck? And then like you just hear her fucking throws of passion. Oh shit.

And dude, it is fucking hot. I haven't jerked off to it yet. But I'm getting there. I don't think it's technically a crime. I don't think so either. If it is, it's like, come on. Let's amend it. Yeah.

That is. Let's take a stance. Dude, I never would have thought of myself as someone. who would like enjoy that. And I think it's mostly because I can't hear the dude. I just hear the chip. Right, right. And then the other day I ran into her when she was coming into the building.

She's like, she's decent. She's like a hood, like real hood, like ratchet, kind of like. So I think there's just like no, there's no muzzle on it. You know, she just fucking lets it out. Oh, yeah. Pretty sick, honestly. Yeah, that's not a bad scenario. Also, I want to start, if there is a law against that, I want to start getting really involved

in political movements. They're just off the rails. That you should be able to masturbate to people having sex above you without it being a crime. Yeah, I think that is a, I think that's fine. I think like where the problems arise is like your- Are you down to start a, you should be able to fuck animals in New York group and like just start you? I like everybody's protesting stuff. I want to protest something fun just to see where.

Yeah, I mean, a pigeon for sure. Yeah, yeah. But like somebody's dog that's owned, I would say no. Okay, I would have been a dog that's traded. It's like a dog, like a rescue. I sound like I want to fuck animals. Because I joke about it all the time on this podcast. And now I'm actually, I'm like, start, what would be fun if we started a movement where

we, like, made fun of people that want to do that? Well, dude, that's like the same thing. It's like white people getting into like Black Lives Matter. It's like, it's a good, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, not the same thing. But it is like you getting involved in something that you really, it really doesn't affect you all that much. Right.

Like, it's like, like, we, we, we don't want to fuck animals. But there's people. people out there who are trying to fuck animals and the cops just shoot out of voice. Yeah, exactly. We're speaking for the those who can't speak. Yeah. I also think, like, because this happened today, like my friend Joey, D. Philippa's friend of the show, he was on, some guy, like, he works in Midtown where I work as well. And like, sometimes we'll meet up for like a dollar slice. And he walked out of his, like, apartment or his office and, and, This guy just fucking was like, hey, do you have any money for me?

He's like, no, man. And then he just shoved him and he's like, I'm going to fucking stab you and took a knife out. Oh, my God. And, like, Joey had to, like, run away, basically. And then the guy went up to like another girl and he's like, not going to hurt my blonde women, dude, in New York. So he told a cop. And the cops are like, yeah, I mean, if you see him again, take a picture. Like, there's no, like, there's no, like, repercussion.

Well, because things are going off the rails, dude. You see by that guy who, like, stabbed a woman in Queens? Yeah. It's like a recent thing, yeah. Was he Italian? I was trying to look up the last name. Probably. Did it end it an O or like an E or an I?

It was an A. An A? Yeah. Yeah. Any one of the, even an H, I think. Yeah. But yeah. Like, it's getting so bad, especially in Midtown.

Like, it's so bad because it's just kind of tourists coming in and it's like a business, like very business heavy. So it's like people with some money. And then they just fucking camp out there. And they just, they're either like fresh off the hit. or looking for the next hit. And, dude, it's, it's like fucking madness right now. It sucks.

Yeah, yeah. It's really bad. It was weird, though, because I used to live in Midtown, and there was a lot of crackheads. But then I went back there last night and it was fine. Maybe it was just the time of it up. Maybe there was, like, a crack. I don't know what you do, but like a ceremony going on. Yeah.

I don't know. Yeah. There's also fish is playing at Madison Square Garden right now. Really? Yeah, there's a lot of fish. See, but those are like the fun draw. I don't know. It starts fun.

It starts fun. what happens. When you get addicted to heroin, you don't keep going to fish concerts. You spend that money in other places. True. So a lot of people that can afford a fish concert. You're more of like a Pantera kind of person at that point. Exactly. Exactly. I think a lot of people that can afford, like, you get the sort of

borderline of the drug problem. Not a lot of people, I feel like that are doing hard drugs still go to concerts. Yeah. Yeah, I would say so. I mean, like, what is... Not a lot of recovering people that are like seconds away from snapping back into it. Yeah, yeah. Dude, my dad tries to put together.

this music festival every year. I say tries, but he does put it together. But it's like a totally... He's a teacher. He like teaches special ed. Oh, nice. But like in his... He does a lot of shit in his free time.

And one of them is like this festival for like, people who are like addicted to drug, like sober and or like a suicide prevention kind of thing. So it's this music festival and like it's, there's no alcohol there or anything. So and they get like great. bands, but, like, nobody goes to it. Because, like, everyone's like,

oh, I can't drink a beer. Like, it's just, it's so sad that it, like, lends itself. Like, it's so perfect to, like, like, that's a great it sounds like a great idea. I'm like, it's a great idea. On paper, and every year they're like, how do we get people in? How do we get people in it? It's like, you got to have

booze. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really the fucking thing, you know? Yeah, that's fucking tough. It is. But I would say, for the most part, like, people who need it get like what they want out of it. Right. There's like, but it is,

it's like a funny overlap because like, it's the people who are, you know, either currently addicted to drugs, people who are over addicted to drugs and they're like speaking for a reason or whatever. And then it's just like volunteers who have probably never touched drugs in their life. Like, so there's like Narcan demonstrations in one corner and like,

oh, that stuff's my favorite mix where you have people that are so. They're just good people going to help with people who have gone through the ringer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, absolute, like prison, like, whatever the fuck it is. But it is, I've shot heroin through my toe and they're talking to, like, somebody who's been in youth group

their whole life. And they're like, I don't know how to relate to this guy at all. It's weird, though, because you would think they don't relate, but at the same time, it's almost like a full circle where, like, they both meet in the middle and the one thing is God. Like, everyone loves you. Like, because it takes, like, it takes you not experiencing

fun shit in life to be into God or experiencing all the fun shit there is to the point that you're like, I don't even know what life is anymore. Now I need to find God. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because there's a meaningless to it because I think like there's like getting drunk and you're like, this is fun. And then there's a point of getting drunk where you're like, I'm just, I don't, there's nothing exciting. You know, like, this is the only thing I could do.

So that's probably with that. But that's the interesting thing with like, I think, the radical Islam where it's like, I had you the podcast two days ago so now I'm like all right

I gotta throw out something to talk about we're talking about radical Islam but then there's that whole aspect of it which is so funny because it's like

very religious but it's like I'm gonna get my fuck on in heaven which is such a hilarious thing that it's like you gotta live a shitty life

which by the way dude can you think of like a more dedicated like dedicated to your faith like an absolute

faith that like I'm gonna avoid all this temptation like even though the fucking slit in her robe looks like she has some beautiful life I'm not gonna try to fuck at all

because I believe deep down in my heart that like I'll get it all like that's like kind of it's not even doing it for God you're doing it for pussy at the end of the day it's like what is God more than pussy yeah yeah yeah it is that's just what it is yeah

that's how my grandparents met was my grandpa went to to a church I don't know why he was there because he wasn't like religious Just to get pussy. Maybe, dude. That's what my mom tell. Like when I'm like, yeah, I'm single.

She's like, go maybe meet someone at church. I'm like, you realize I'm going to church to fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But either way, they met like at church. And my grandma was engaged at the time. And he's like, he went up to her. He's like, you're the woman I'm going to marry. And she's like, well.

And why is that every story? I'm going to marry you, bitch. Like, it was so romantic. He said, I don't care what it takes. I'm in a marriage. Do women just cave to their stalkers or how does this work? Because I can never see that working. Me walking to my girlfriend, I want to marry you.

She'd be like, what are you out of your fucking mind? Yeah, it would have to be like a TikTok trend or something. Yeah, yeah. And she's like, oh, this is cool now. Yeah, that sounds absurd. I feel like, it's crazy. Nothing dries up a woman more than immediately wanting to marry them. True.

But that, but also. Like maybe in their head they're like, oh, I hate that. But then they're like, how to fucking loser. Everybody loves me. You know what I mean? Yeah. But she's not going to marry you. She's going to marry somebody.

I don't know, it is. but it's also 75 years ago, so there's like three guys around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and you're like, not really, if you're a woman, you're like not really allowed to do shit. Right.

So, like, your options are so limited. And then, like, when someone, it is funny, though, because, like, it is one of those things, like, they must have saw it in, like, Casablanca or some kind of, like, movie that was, like, popular. They're like, I'm going to,

meanwhile, meanwhile, meanwhile, meanwhile, but they, but they, but there's no, grabbing her, too, by the dress. It's like,

Muriel, I'm going to marry you. Yeah, You can't escape me. The dress or the pussy. Oh. He grabbed me by my clitoris and said, I'll marry you. But yeah, it's like, like, those kind of like romantic days are fucking over.

Now we just want to like kind of like how are we going to meet our wives, dude? Well, everybody's a, it seems like everybody's a dating app person. Like I hear so many marriages and they're like, we don't tell people, but we met on the apps. That sucks. Yeah. Because I've never once had even. close to a good conversation with something out on an app.

Yeah. Everything has been from someone, every, like, good relationship I've been in has been like someone who was like a friend or like someone kind of in my circle and then like the spark starts and then it goes. Like it's never been like, because there's this weird like almost pressure

where like both sides are like, well, like, is this going to work? You know, like on the first date or whatever? Well, that's the hard part too. I didn't even think about it. that but it's like luckily my girlfriend we over time we figured it out we're like oh yeah we both have some of the same interests but like right off to bat it wasn't like that it was like i just met this person you know we hung out a little bit hooked up and then i was like yeah okay this is a person

i'm gonna hook up with for now and did you meet on an app no no we met like in a fraternity house way more romantic she was like high on the couch and i was like uh i walked up and i'm like you talk a lot like that's it that was how we met yeah hey you want to take this fizzy drink upstairs with them. But yeah, I know it was one of those. But it's like, who knows? Like, luckily it worked out, but like, we didn't talk about race until, like, maybe a month.

What if I found out she just hated, like, Jamaicans? I had no idea. You have zero clue. And then you're like, wow, how am I the luckiest guy in the world? Yeah, no, it's so weird. But, like, I don't know. It also sucked.

Like, so you've never dated. God, because for your first, like, 10 dates, you don't talk about God. And by the fifth thing, you're, like, official so I'm like I have no idea but she could be a Satanist for all I know yeah I feel like I feel like there's clues but for the most part it's kind of like if you believe in God it kind of just shows in like who you are as a person I feel like or an extent I don't know I know I know full-blown atheists that are sweethearts that's true that is true so you've never like dated in New York City

no no never oh dude it is a nightmare that's everybody says but it's so funny because there's so many people but it seems like there's just a pile of trash ever everyone who's single is like I fucking hate it here yeah that's while my friends in Orlando are like, dude, hell yeah. It's always weird with Orlando. It's like, there's people that move there. And there's people from other cities. So like there's Orlando, then there's like Ovido. There's all these like random suburbs and random small

towns that like there are attractive people in all of those. Like for girls, there's like some hunk who like grew up on his dad's farm who like just moved to Orlando from like bum fuck Florida. Yeah. And for guys, there's the same equivalency. It's all just redneck Yeah, just a girl who is like tying knots on a boat. So like she's got like that good

next thing. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And people were like, she's wonderful. Yeah. And they look at pictures of both each other in high school and they're like, ew, but now they're adults. Oh shit, we got Alan popping in. Oh, baby. You do not sound excited for this podcast. I'm never excited for a podcast.

This is a favor to you, fuckhead. You guys have a 10-minute overlap because he has to leave in 10 minutes. So this is an interesting way to do it. Yeah, yeah, I guess so. Yeah, we were just talking about love, dude. What? Your specialty, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Love sacred between a man and a woman. Yeah. And nobody else. Everyone else knocked that shit off. Just stop banging. Stop it. Stop it. Are those?

What do you smoke in there? Those are hemp cigarettes. Do those actually relax you? Yeah, a little too much sometimes. Really? Like, yeah, I can't smoke one like right before we're getting on stage anymore. I got a real cigarette, yeah. Yeah, you got to have some good energy when you're, like the nicotine focuses you.

Yeah. But I think it gives me too many nerves on. But maybe it's like a stimulating. Well, just stop being such a pussy. I really, I really have been a pussy recently. There was a line in my act, he told me to take out, and I still fucking do it. And I agree with everybody. That's a lame-ass fucking line.

It's like a line to get the audience to like you more. You're like, oh, yeah, but it's so annoying. It is hard, though, if you've been doing something for a while to then just stop doing it. It's like muscle memory. Yeah, I've been trying to get Patty to stop doing a stand-up comedy. quite some time he just can't quite break the habit all his friends are but we had an intervention the other day his mom's dad was there

they just cut a mic cord with scissors in front of me there are some people that I'm like why has nobody told you I know but have you ever told anyone to stop no it's the what you don't dude I won't even tell my friends if they're stealing somebody's joke unintentional I'm like I don't know you'll figure it out eventually yeah that is awkward because then they're like hey man what are you accusing me of. It's like, dude, nothing.

Yeah. I would want to know if my jokes are all taking from somebody else. Oh, yeah. I'd want to know right away. Like, as I'm right, sometimes you write something, you're like, this is for sure someone did this already. Oh, yeah. I did a Chappelle, I did a Chappelle bit for like six months. Somebody said, that's a Chappelle bit. He's, Patty was doing a Chris Rock

bit for a little bit. I used to, I used to go up on stage and be like, you ever notice the difference between N-words and black people? He didn't say N-words. He's cleaning it up for you. That's a really funny joke. Does my feet stink that bad? It might be mine.

I can't smell shit. I've been sick. I have a sinus infection and I've had it for like, I'm sick forever now. I'm on antibiotics. Me too. I've had just like allergies. I'm also allergic to alcohol now because of my antibiotics. So apparently I started getting red like, you know how when Asian people drink, their face gets all red?

Yeah. And they turn orange? Yes. Yeah. There you have to be a second. That started happening. Their faces also get all red if they say black people in Marvel. movies.

That's the funniest line they have to tell with like the diversity of Marvel. They're like, we are pandering to China. So we have to. It's Black Panther. Do we have to put him on the poster? Let's stick paint on their face so they don't see him as developed. We owe them a lot of money. How funny would that be if you fucking see the Black Panther movie in Asia?

He just takes it off and it's just a Chinese man under there. Just Photoshopped poorly. It's called Yellow Panther. Martin Scorsese. Hi, Martin. What are you working on right now? Oh, a movie about a serial killer's Inner Torment. Yeah, cut that shit off. We need to do a fucking yellow panther, okay?

Yeah, no, you're going to do what, you dumb, Gennie. We owe them $10 billion. You and I were talking yesterday about the Stephen Seagall thing, because didn't he, wasn't he actually making movies for the mob for like a little bit or something? I think they were producing his movies or something, and he wanted... Seagull's story is a fascinating one. just he's one of the worst he's the worst human being

never be a movie star like he does like shitty things yeah yeah oh uh yes unless you believe 200 women lied about him raping them oh wow he has rape allegation those so got under the rug oh yeah it's because he's under the rug I think he just punched them and karate chop them away

yeah yeah well that's part of the problem yeah 200 rape allegations I think it's sexual assault like it's like 200 sexual misbehavior things I just said rape you know. Well, did he squeeze the same woman's tit like 200 times or 200 women?

That's almost worse. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. The same person. That's so much worse. Could you imagine that? Spread it around a little bit. I'm going to be a...

I'm positive almost every guy has like one or two times where you're like, oh, I probably shouldn't have done that. Oh, 100%. Dude, I took my dick out on a school bus. I was in school. I was in school. I think it was seventh grade. Somebody was like, bet you won't whip your dick out.

And I just fucking... Well, I waited until I had a half chub. just flung it around the whole school bus. And it was like, that's classic. But I'm like, it's an adult, you'd be like, that's not cool. Yeah, that's also like you're too young for it to even matter, I feel like. Yeah. I'm talking like high school, college.

Unless you're mature for your age. Yeah, yeah, that's true. A grown man penis was flopping around. There was always that one kid. It's always somebody who's like, fucking just the most shy kid with the biggest fucking cock in the wall. But they're always like, like they're hiding it from ever. Yeah. Like,

we had this kid who would just like, Like he would just whip it out and walk around the locker room, go right up to people fucking like lay it on their leg. Probably smallest wiener. Tiniest cock ever. And it's like, dude, I wish I had that. Confidence. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had some popular friends, big ass dudes, like just some yoke football player, just tiniest weiner.

Just like, but you'd be like, I don't give a shit, bro. I'm still getting pussy. Because nobody's pleasing a woman in high school. No. Besides maybe the gym coach who's fucking his dude. Life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can please girls.

You can please high school girls. Well, but not. your high school, one of those guys are... No, you can do that. I mean, they both, you know, they both... You kind of don't know what you're doing, sure, but, you know, you can figure something out. Yeah, that's true. Alan did win most epileptic tongue in high school.

That's true. Yeah. You got a cunt, I got a tongue, I can make things happen. Just turn out a strobe light to sink up. Yeah. It was so funny, yeah, there was always the big dick kid. I know one of their names, I'm not going to say it, but I just want to say that. I'm not going to do it, but... Who cares?

Why would you say his name? We don't fucking know him. Oh yeah, Thomas. There's that sex tape, which I've never seen of his. Really? Yeah, I held off for my minute. Because there was a point in that movement where I was like, you know what? I need to be serious for a minute.

And then I was like, I mean, I don't know. I got to be, I'm probably never going to watch it because I don't think I could come unless a cop had a knee on his back. That's the only way you did. You know what? There's a point of me where I'm like, what is my comedic voice? you know, what's the fan base I'm going to attract? And now it's set in stone. After that,

you know what? Whoever hasn't turned this off by now? People who think Legion of Skinks is for Pussies. Yeah, yeah. This is the real. This is the real deal. Yeah, I don't know.

That video, I don't know. Apparently, I think he's banging a white girl or something. What? All right. Can we just pull it up? Can we pull it up? My phone's recording this. If the police officer mentioned that,

we might have had more public support. Yeah, he's like, hey, this guy He's having sex with white. Interracial dating, dude. He's like, whoa. The funniest was... Can you imagine if he had brought that up to the trial? I know it looks bad, everyone,

but look at this. Just puts on a porno. White chick. Huh? Huh? I arrest my case. His lawyer's got his hand in his fun. He's like, fuck.

I was so funny. That lawyer was so funny. Didn't he try to say that he had COVID or something? He's like, George Floyd had COVID, okay? He's like, what? He died of COVID. He tried to say everything. He was like, he had restless leg syndrome.

That's what got him. Oh, my God. I was watching The Dark Night Rises, and Bain kills a guy by putting his knee on his neck. Oh, are you like, all right. He chauvens him? Yeah, we're like, clearly, yeah, that's the move now. The chauvin. We're like, clearly, if you're doing a move that Bain does to kill somebody, it's probably not proper police.

It's probably not proper police, but it's probably also learned in a very, like, cinematic way. Like, at least it's not like something that you, like, I don't know. It's not like an American History X, like, Curb stuff. kind of thing. He's like, oh, this was... They would try to justify that to a way. This was in the comics. Yeah, it's okay. I think he tries to say the funniest argument, like, it is just funny because it was the

worst, clearly like somebody just murdering somebody abroad daylight. And then to have it, obviously everybody should have a trial. I'm not against that. But it's just so funny to see somebody trying to defend that. And they're like, the car exhaust, he was getting carbon dioxide. That was like the whole argument that you got carbon dioxide poisoning because he was by... Or even still, who put him by the goddamn exhaust? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, I just put his face right next to the exhaust pipe. Nothing bad there. I don't know if I mentioned this before to you on this podcast, but like there was a teacher from my high school who was like in the heat of this when like people like only the brave spoke up against it. Like she was like she was an English teacher and she's like she had an assignment online that was like try to prove. I just pictured a crayon coloring in. Just that Derek Chauvin incident. You're going to need a lot of brown crayons. She's like, she's like, try to prove that, like, Derek Chauvin or that George Floyd was not murdered.

Like, that was like an essay they had to, like, write in. And of course, all the students are like, we're not doing it. Yeah. And their parents are like, yeah, and they, of course, fired the teacher or moved her. Or moved her to, like, criminal justice or something. I mean, to be fair, you should technically try to be a critical thinker and try to see it from... Yeah.

It is the right lesson, but the wrong, you know, subject. But you keep it across the board. 9-11. Now you have to take the terrorist side. Everything should be, you take the other... That's my favorite is somebody told me has an exercise and debate class. Like, who's for abortion? Who's against abortion?

All right, now you have to argue the other side of that. Oh, that's good. Yeah. The fun thing about abortion is it's so easy to argue both sides. It is. Yeah. It's just like, where do you draw the line? I gotta get going here, boys.

All right, I'll see you. Well, have fun, guys, and yeah. All right, get the fuck out of here, yeah. What are you going to do? Oh, he's not getting picked up on this. He's having gay sex with a horse. I love how you said gay sex that makes it worse for the horse. Yeah, because he's also gay.

That's the real crime. Yeah, that's a valid point. You could probably break your dick in a horse's ass. I don't think you could not break your dick in a horse's ass. It's the horse's decision at that point. Buy the horse some dinner. You have to be very confident that horse isn't going to... Here, have some carrots.

Please. Here you go, bud. We're friends, right? I'm going to fuck him in the ass. Mr. Hand's... Yeah, did you ever see Mr. Hans? Is that the guy who got fucked to death by the horse? Yes.

But from my understanding, it wasn't like it was one incident. it was like years of getting fucked by a horse and then he That's even better You know what's the funniest You always worry about comedy You're like I don't know if I could get an audience Can you imagine being that guy's doctor Be like listen I'm just gonna be honest with you

You can't be getting fucked in the ass by a horse every Wednesday And expect to retire in Florida Okay What the fuck are you doing What are you doing Mr. Hans? He gives a prostate exam He's like geez this is the ass of somebody Who's probably been fucked by a horse

He's like, you guys like, you know it, turns out you're right. That is the funniest when I'm worried about it. I'm like, you know, it might be hard to get an audience on board of this kind of material. I'm like, wait, there are people that go to shows and just watch a woman get banged by a horse. Yeah, donkey shows. Yeah, you could find your audience. I think donkeys are more cool with it.

That's why they have donkeys. Yeah, because they're more. Yeah. It's less disrespectful. Or are donkeys like this... Donkeys probably have smaller dicks, right? There's smaller animals, right? Yeah, okay, probably.

Hey, you got a point there. Yeah, I don't know if that is why. I'm curious about this. I don't know. Have you been to Mexico? Yeah, I was 12, though. So, you know, I didn't go to a donkey show. No.

That's my dad. He said no. Not until you're 18. I like that idea that they're drawing a strict line in the sand with the donkey show. Let me see your IDs. That'd be funny as a kid. You get fake ideas to go watch somebody banging donkey. Yeah.

You think it's a liquor stuff? store they'd just drag you to the back. What's going on? Where's our micelope? Oh my God! I went to Mexico and some guy tried to sell me his sister. Sell you? It was funny. I talked about this on another episode slightly. So you go, you get off the boat, it was a cruise.

There's a senior frogs. You're having a good time there. You go a little further for an ATM. And then you go past a cool couple, you know, leather shops, maybe some cool hats and stuff like that. Oh, this is interesting. And then if you go a block past that, it's a guy who wants to pay, wants to pay, or you pay him to fuck his sister. This guy's really like,

he goes, my sister, he's like, whatever pesos, and I was like, no, no, thank you. You know?

Maybe I just don't know Spanish. Somebody's just walking off with his sister. He's like, no, no, no. I said the, help.

I said the oranges are $10. Not my sister. Help. My sister's sick. Yeah. Man, can I can only imagine the look on her sister's face.

Was she, like, pumped for it? Or was she like, It's just like a very unattractive woman. He's like, I'm doing her a favor at this point. The $10 you give me is so I can buy you some shots. I didn't see his sister, so I feel like it could be just him with a wig on. That's, yeah.

The old switcheroo. Yeah, the old switcheroo. Yeah, my sister will be right behind this wall with a hole in it. Yeah. Have you, so you went to Mexico. I was a kid. I barely even remember it, to be honest with you. Yeah.

Were you a big traveler at all? Yeah, my family. I'm asking if your parents had money. That's the only real question We took a vacation every year. We did. So, yeah. We went to Costa Rica.

We went to Europe, which I hated Europe. Because I was a child, I'm pretty sure I got swine flu. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. I passed out. And it was funny because I was in a wheelchair for a day, and you see how many people would just stare at you. Everybody just locks eyes with you.

And then I was like a kid, so I was like trying to look at the hot girls. You could just see a look on their face. And they're like, nope. I stare. I also point my finger too. Yeah, that's like weird. Real monster. Monster.

Taking up our precious metal. So we can move. I was talking to Patty about that. There's so many protests going on that I do want to start a protest for something wild. Yeah. I don't know what's a good cause yet, but just go out there and maybe something that we are on board for, like, prison reform, but just reform for people who have sex with goats or something like that. Yeah.

Yeah. Just like started off, like my dad went to jail. Let pedophiles go to Juvie. It's like a big brother program or something. Let him make it up to the sweet young boys. That is funny because normally what you do for your crime, they always have the punishment match the crime. So what would the matching the crime with the pedophile?

You have to spend time with kids and not fuck it. That's torture for them. You have to hang out with kids and not have sex with them. Yeah. Or, you know, just give them a lollipop and, like, have a bigger guy fuck them. Yeah. That's another thing you can do. Like a schoolboy outfit.

That is... Going to jail as a sexual predator does just fit the crime. I feel like that just kind of does already... I think now they separate them. Oh, yeah. Because they used to just getting murdered immediately. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Broomsticks shoved up asses. Like horrible shit. They would last like a month. They would last like a month. Fucking the most heinous deaths. Dude, the craziest shit I heard of... I had Derek Dresher on here, and he was telling me that there was this

prison rapist who was a gay man named... Mother Deer. And what she would do is he would back you up at Kiss Well and get you to fuck him in the ass. Which is pretty good case scenario. You know what I mean? Like out of the odds.

It's like, I'd rather fuck a dude in the ass and get fucked in the ass. I guess yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, definitely. You're like, oh, no, I have to pretend you're a woman for 20 minutes. Yeah, I have to, yeah, a woman who plays linebacker for the Bears. How big was this guy? Apparently very small, I think.

I wasn't listening very well. I was too busy hiding my brother. Well, then how is he able to fucking make you fuck him in the ass? Because he was like, I'm going to stab you in the eye if you don't fuck me in the ass. So now you're going to say, all right, do I want to stab this guy first? I want to fuck him in the ass. Yeah. Well, there's always that thing.

I love with people who are like, if I went to jail, I just put, you got to punch the first guy in the face. You would just die immediately. Yeah, yeah, well, what's to say? That guy won't hit you back. He will. Of course he will. Yeah, I don't think it's like, they're like, wow, this guy's so tough. And he's got more friends than you in there.

You're on the first day, fuckhead. Yeah. What are you doing? Yeah. Be nice. Do you think about scenarios like that? I always, my brain, I have OCD, so I think about multiple ways that I would end up in prison. I'm like, oh, I sold Adderall in college.

They're going to find out all these, like, crazy scenarios. Do you ever play Alan goes to prison? How does he survive? No, no, I don't. You know, I don't. Do you know anybody who's been in prison? I do. My buddy went to prison in Montana.

He said it wasn't that bad. Yeah, everybody, it seems like, I don't know if people. People who go to jail just say the rape doesn't happen because they were raped. You know what I mean? Because I always hear him come back and they're like, it wasn't as bad as people say it is. Well, yeah, if you think you're going to get raped every day. That's what I thought it would be. Anything else is like, it's not that bad.

Yeah, yeah. My buddy said all he had to worry about was Native Americans yelling white racial slurs. Oh, really? That's really it. It isn't too bad. I think weeks go by in my life where I just forget the Native American people exist all the time because there's not a lot of them left. No, there's not. But you think about out west, you're like, oh, yeah, that would be a conversation you have to have where it's...

Yeah. I don't know what it is with them. Poor diet or something? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I took history in the South, so we learned things a little differently.

Yeah. It was... No, it wasn't that bad, but there were funny things where... I remember one of my classes was actually reasonable. We watched, like, horrible slave documentaries. Oh, that looks pretty bad. But then you have the occasional... There's a lot of people in the South.

that literally will be like, not all, they will use the argument, they're like, not all slaves were treated that bad. And you're like, that's like, I mean, you're still treating somebody as a piece of property. Yeah, I mean, well, it's on a scale. You have to understand. I mean, technically it is a slave,

but I get three meals a day. This is not that bad. If we're being a slave, though, it's like still. Yeah, he only yells the N-word at me like four times a day. That's the, that's the fucks my sister once a month. So, yeah, yeah. Not bad. In, in, on the spectrum of things,

technically, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So. But then it's like, I don't know, that's one of those things that slavery. You know what? I don't have a lot of more positive thoughts about that.

Yeah. We got dark real quick here. I had a show the other day that was so funny. There was a woman in the back and she fucking, she was just like this rich white woman who like, she chimed it on everything everybody was saying.

I was like, I had some joke about like James Bond being a lesbian. She's like, nope, don't do it. Don't have that. I'm like, okay, whatever. I was like, were you fucking auditioning for James Bond? I was like, alright, it's weird. And then a black guy's talking about,

he's like, my last name is this, which means slave master. And she goes, see, you guys owned them too? And it's just like, Jesus Christ. Wow. What the fuck? Those are one of those shows where it's so funny. It was like the first time somebody was running the show.

So they're like, all right, we can't drag this woman out of the venue. Let's just move past it. Jesus Christ. I've had two events like this. I had another event. Same week. I was doing this show. And one of my bigger bits is about how white guys with dreadlocks are typically not the

most racist white guys. Oh yeah, I know a bit. Yeah, and this white woman with dreadrocks in the audience and just went on a racist tirade. And so I was like, I guess I can't do that whole bit. Somebody was talking about Harambe and then... So what, what tirade did you go on? So somebody brought up Harambe, like the gorilla. And then she goes,

she goes, yeah, did you see that campaign that people wanted to elect Harambe president? And everybody's like, yeah, that was fun or whatever. And she's like, no, that was started by black people. See, it's not all white people doing this stuff online. line, it's black people. That's a funny racist thing to do. Just like, you know what? You're like, listen, they're taking our jobs. They're trying to get Harampe elected.

President. You're like, I'm a list of things. Yeah, I, I, uh, that stuff is the most cringy shit I've ever heard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It roots really bad to be, you know, to be, you know, to be, listen, black people are doing this shit, too, so it's okay that we do. Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah.

It's a hilarious thing. Like, I know this Italian person who, like, loves bringing up black crime. It's just hilarious. Like, you guys, you can't throw fucking stones if living in an Italian. No. You did so much. God, no. Also, I had a, I had an uncle who's like my uncle by marriage, not by, you know, because he's

100% Sicilian. Right. And we were watching the Super Bowl, the halftime show of Thanksgiving or something like that. And he goes, that's the rock. I'm like, yeah, that's him. The rock. He was like, fucking, you know, be in the rock. Just getting paid $10 million to say hi.

This is blah, blah, blah, you know? Yeah. The Rock was there, he goes, yeah, you know, he's, he's married to a white woman. I was like, I didn't know that. He's like, I don't like that. And I was like, you're Sicilian, dude. Have you never read a history book? You really don't know.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You really have no idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're half black, right? You're almost as black as the Rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you talking about? That's so funny.

It's also so funny to care that the Rock is marrying a white woman. That's on the, like, fucking. scale of things. That's a hilarious, out of anything to care about. Well, yeah. And he was just like, I don't like that. I don't like that. Yeah. I didn't let it ruin my Thanksgiving, though. Fuck that, dude. I got a turkey to eat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ignore. I like, I love hearing when people, like, argue with their relatives. It's like, why? Why you've got to ruin a holiday? Because you fucking read a BuzzFeed article. And they fucking listen to Tucker. Who gives a fucking shit? Also, what thing I didn't know about Tucker? Did you, Tucker used to be on

CNN? Yeah. He was on MSNBC too. He's been all over, that slut. Yeah, now he's always like, uh, he was interviewing somebody hilarious recently. I don't know, he's always doing fun stuff. He's very entertaining. Yeah, but he doesn't believe anything he says. No, of course. Yeah, I don't think so. None. Like, that's the thing about Ben Shapiro. Like, I don't hate him because he really actually believes what he's saying. Yeah, he's like a... So there's like a, there's just a kernel of just like, okay, this guy at least believes his shit. Right. Like Tucker Carlson doesn't give a fuck. He just rise.

miles up old people all over the country just because it drives ratings. The guy's scum. He's a pusbag. Yeah, he is very exciting, though. I mean, I guess so. You did see, I talked about this 10 times, but one of my favorite things is when he brings on a, he's like, you may think Michael Jackson is dead. Well, I have evidence that he's still alive. And he just shows a picture of Nancy Pelosi. And I'm like, this is the news.

This is kind of awesome. Because I think it's got full circle. The news used to be captivating because it was nuanced. And you're like, oh, they have an interesting perspective on this. and then it got at the point where they were just being mean and arguing each other. Now they're just literally people throwing shit at each other and it's kind of hilarious. Like it's at a good point now. Watching MSNBC's and watching Fox News is like hanging out with the like divorced couple or separate times.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just keep talking shit about each other. Yeah. Like it's really, really. I mean, everyone's been over this. The fucking cable news is a joke. Yeah. Where do you think it goes from here?

Podcasts? CNN says that they're going to, that they've like, they're going to switch back to just being the news, but I doubt believe it when I said. Yeah. I think they finally started acknowledged, like, okay, we really fucked up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, people don't trust us at all. Their ratings went down like 80% or something like that. Yeah.

It's crazy. Yeah. Because, I mean, they're still on at the airport all the goddamn time. Yeah, yeah, well,

that's where I'll watch. Like, I was in an airplane. I was like, all right, let me watch like 10 minutes of Tucker Carson and then 10 minutes

of Anderson Cooper, just to see you know. Yeah. What's, You're just kidding. I like to know who thinks what and what's going on with the arguments are here. Yeah, it's much more entertaining too, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like them flinging shit at each other except for like what's actually going on with the fucking economy.

Yeah, yeah. It's always, you always just see them talking about the other station. Yeah. Which is so funny. They'll tell you on CNN. It's like, oh, will they? Yeah. Why don't you tell me something that's different then? Tell me something that's true. I wish Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon did that. They're just like those pussies over Nickelodeon.

It just went on that. Yeah, Spudgebobbs for fucking retards. You can watch fucking Batman. Did you grow up on SpongeBob at all? That show is still hilarious. I watch this as a grown adult and it's very funny. No. Now, what did you grow up on?

Simpsons. Simpsons. I never watched the Simpsons movie, and I watched a show a little bit. Well, you're young. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Simpsons was the shit when I was a kid. It was the funniest show fucking ever.

Still kind of is. It's pretty good. I watch Family Guy a lot still, which they've gone back and forth. Like they, it's weird, though, because they'll have a whole season that sucks, which doesn't make sense because every episode is a different plot. But they'll have a season that sucks, and the next season's hilarious. And then the last one sucks, and then...

I think that's because Seth MacFarlane, like, he pops in and out. Yeah, yeah, it's like a season that he might be really involved. It might be funny. And then he's making some horrible movie. Besides, I like Ted wanted to, but the West movie was kind of like, yeah. South Park, South Park is the best because they're always good. Yeah, yeah. Always good.

That's crazy. I think they had one season where I was like, me. Yeah. Like season 21 or something like that. But for the most part, like, they're just still good. It's just sheer hard work. They just fucking write and direct every episode. Yeah, yeah.

And they do it in a week, which is crazy. Yeah. That's my favorite show of all time, South Park. Yeah. Also, I mean, the movies are amazing too. Like, Team America is so funny. Dude. My favorite, my favorite, dude, the film actors guild, it was the funniest shit I've ever

scene. Are you talking about the one where they showed them in suit or dresses on acid or the puppet thing? No, no, it's in the movie. It's in Team America. And it's like, from the film actors guild and it's just as F-A-G at the bottom. Sean Penn talking and Tim Robbins talking and fucking...

I think the puppet thing is my favorite. So, like, apparently they asked for like a very expensive... I don't know how expensive a budget of the movie. And they're like, all right, they were already, They were arguing with whoever was funding it in the studio. They're like, all right, man, okay, you can get this much money. And so the first scene in the movie is shitty puppets on like strings.

So, like, they wanted to see the look on their face and they're like, this is what we fucking paid for? And then it zooms out. And it's one of the puppets playing with like a shitty puppet. Yeah, the puppet sex scene was apparently like 10 minutes. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because what they do is dropping logs on each other. Yes, they're pooping and peeing.

They did the same thing that Jackass did. So Jackass in one of their movies, they filmed like 20, minutes of them just banging prostitutes and panda suits. No matter what, they have to cut out stuff. They put in like really shitty stuff. So they'll cut that out because like seeing a guy's dick in like a cage with a

mouse isn't as bad after you've watched a man have unprotected sex with a prostitute in a pandas. You know what I mean? Yeah. So they kind of do that which is hilarious. Southport kind of invented that move. They just do a comedy central all the time. Also they would put the show at its last minute. Like they get it like the day of.

Right, right. So they're like, hey, we can't cut that out, we don't have time. Yeah, and they're like, oops, it looks like we're going to put Muhammad in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They never ended up doing that one, right? Or, no, he's blurred out like the whole time. They got Muhammad in a season three episode. So you actually see what he looks like?

Because I remember for a while they had him like, it was like the family guy writers were, uh, it was like the family guy writers are like trying to put Muhammad out there. There's some argument about there. There's some family guy, I think, with that. I don't know. He called the manatees.

Oh, yeah. Family guy writers manatees. and they just had balls they played with. Yeah, they hate each other, which is so funny. Yeah, I mean, South Park just, yeah, I think South Park just thinks they're better than them. Yeah, and they are. They are. They're just fucking better.

Well, I think it's different. South Park's longer and then Family Guy's rapid fire. But it's like different, like, South Park's the same joke all the way through when it's built upon, and the family guys just different joke. But as far as striking, like, Family Guy hits less than South Park. Yeah. also family South Park goes by story

so with the laps there may be less but they're bigger because they've been building up towards something Right right But yeah The gags are way way better

Yeah I don't know who wants to listen To listen to two guys Talk about South Park I don't give a shit Yeah You see Mike Tyson beat the shit out Of somebody

On an airplane or something Recently? Yeah apparently like yesterday People Probably some idiot Talking shit to him Nine times out of ten There's no way Tyson's

Just fighting someone In an airplane No I'm sure it was People are always fucking starting shit with celebrities Yeah yeah Well, that's the thing with him, too.

It's so funny, because I remember he was on Joe Rogan, and Joe Rogan's like, he's really calmed down, you know? I think it's because he's smoking weed and doing psychedelics. They just beat somebody up on an airplane. I mean, they just have a crazy life, though. I mean, he's been, like, arrested for, like, apparent rape, but then he got off for something. Yeah. Patrice has a great bit on that.

What is it? The bit is, like, apparently his rape charge was he ate a woman's pussy without permission. And Patrice was like, oh, like, there's no way. What rapist wants to make you feel wonderful That's a pretty funny bit Yeah HBO half hour Real good stuff

Yeah You um Man Patty fucking leaving He had all the I feel like he had all the energy And my brain is like fogging up right now Mm-hmm And just two guys on a couch

Yeah I don't bring the energy I bring the ideas And then you throw some funny tags on there And some good bits We build it Mm-hmm but yeah no I don't know

he didn't they they changed the mask rule on planes and I thought that maybe had something to do with it but it's totally unrelated I guess he just fought some guy who was talking shit but the guy's like three rows back which is kind of crazy to see some guy just yell at Mike Tyson from that far away but that's the annoying part if you're very small everybody tries to fight you if you're very big everybody tries to fight you if you're right in the middle nobody fucks with you

yeah it's best to be 510 yeah yeah unless you're selling comedy tickets and everybody fucks with you constantly yeah kind of I've had to bite my tongue a few times selling you know barking shows. What have you had, like, recently? Yeah, I mean,

just a lot of people like, yo, fuck your comedy show. All right, bud. Yeah. Why don't you settle down? And a lot of women saying, I hate comedy. Yeah.

That's exactly who it is. There's dudes that are drunk and saying, fuck you. And then women saying, like, one girl was like, my last boyfriend broke up from me at a comedy show. And then I was like,

I don't give a shit. And then she's like, you're a fucking asshole. And like, what am I supposed to just empathize with you? Yeah. I see why he broke up with you. Yeah, because you're not very fun.

Because you're not very fun. You can't take a joke. Yeah. You need a comedy show. You need to learn some levity. Yeah. Yeah. Cundum. Have you ever had...

The worst thing I've had is I've had people, I won't sell them tickets because they're too drunk, and then somebody else sends them tickets. And they, every time I've been sat in the front row of the show. Yeah. The first time, you guys are too hammered. I'm not selling tickets. Somebody else sells them tickets.

They come by, flick me off. And they sit him right in the front row. And I'm like, there's zero chance I'm winning this. Dude, that was a new guy. That's when, like, at first you're like, oh, I got to sell tickets, I got to sell tickets, I got to sell tickets or else they won't put me on and all this shit. It's like, dude, that's what that is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought of that or someone who just doesn't give a fuck.

And they're like, oh, yeah, I got five bucks out of this. I think it was Kim Back. That's, yeah, that's Ken Beck. I'm pretty sure Kid Back is like banged girls on the barking schedule. Like, he's supposed to be there for two hours, dips out for 20 minutes, has sex with a girl and like the park and then he comes back. He's a vicious sex addict. He's a vicious sex addict. That's why you always see him smiling, though.

It's the best addiction in the world to have. It really, yeah, it's really not destroying your life unless you're married or anything. Yeah. Yeah. He's not going to get married. But it's also, like, having sex is, like, yeah, if you are a sex addict, the worst thing you can do is get mad. Like, I feel like, you know what I mean? You're just, it's something you're not going to not do.

You know what I don't think there's like, it's not like, it's not like drugs where you can just not have sex forever. Right? You still have to come. Yeah. You still have to come. Because, like, the only other option is, like, what are you going to become like a priest? And that's the worst person to be a sex addict. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, no, no. That doesn't work either. No. They've had studies. Boston Globe did one a long time ago. Not the Catholic Church. Studies, what happens? What they get into it? Oh.

I never saw it. Is Spotlight? Is that what that's about? Yeah. Yeah. I get spotlight and moonlight. A very funny movie. Really? Is it meant to be? No, no, it's traumatic.

It's the most traumatic, horrible thing ever. Those are... I get spotlight mixed up with moonlight. Moonlight's the one where the two gets jerked off on the beach. Yeah, something like that. That one was so funny because I didn't know I didn't see that one I didn't see Moonlight or Spotlight

I haven't seen any of these movies If you have a light in it you know There's somebody having sex Yeah It's gay sex That's just what's happening Someone's going to heaven It's one of the two

We're just But definitely not both Because we know what happens So there's overlap So there's sex act with a minor Or someone's dying going to heaven One of the two But Moonlight was so funny

It's like It's like these like rough What were you saying Nothing Oh okay It's like these off Miami kids who were like getting into like gang violence. Yeah. And then one of the dudes

walks in on his other friend like banging a girl and then he looks back and grins at him. And then later on, the other guy like runs off to the beach and he's like, hey man, did you like what you saw there? He's like, I kind of did. And then the dude just gets jerked off on the beach at night. And I had no idea what kind of movie it is. And it's funny to not know.

I think this happened a couple times. It's college where you don't know something's going to happen and then it turns into a gay sex movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is a kind of good twist. I think they've got to make an action movie like that where it's just all serious. That's never happened because I Google gay sex movie. So I always, I've never surprised. You got a list.

Movies with gay sex scenes. Nope. Crossed that off. Never seen that. Yeah. But that was so funny, because I just had no idea what it's happening. I'm like, oh, I guess that's what it's about. I talked to everybody else. Like, yeah, Moonlight. It's about getting jerked off on the beach. And I'm like, oh, okay. I didn't know that was the plot of that movie.

Oh, is that the movie that won 12 Oscars? That's what it's about. Best movie the decade, according to most people. Yeah, people love that. Getting knobbed off on the beach, dude. you got a better idea for a movie than getting jacked off on a fucking beach? Not to think about it, I know. The other one I saw, it's like three minutes in,

Antonio Baderas is just getting fucked in the ass. Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What movie is this? He's a good actor. I might watch that. It was some Spanish movie. It got so weird because, like, what happened was that?

You know, it's funny. If you're a method actor, you have to put yourself in that situation, really. So what if Antonio Banderas is supposed to? play a gay guy, but he's method acting as himself getting fucked, so he's like, oh, no! Oh, gross! Stop it! Oh, no!

Cut, Antonio, you're his boyfriend. Yeah, and then he just has to... Gross! I hate dicks in my ass. Cut! It is impressive, because that was, like, the 80s. So, like, people were more homophobic back then, but he was just, like, throw my legs up,

let me just take it. People were more homophobic then, but, like, he was... You know, we got theater kids and such. Yeah, it was also a Spanish movie, so I feel like they're probably more open to that over there. Are they? I don't know. I guess France is probably more gay-friendly.

Yeah. I don't think Mexico was more gay-friendly than America. No, no, but Spain, though. Oh, Spain, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Europe has been all about that shit for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're pioneers when it comes to taking it in the butt.

Taking it in the butt. Taking it in the butt, not taking showers. They don't give a fuck. They're having fun. Yeah, they are. Yeah. I don't got time to shower. to fuck a guy in the ass.

That is... Luckily, I can fit it in my 30-hour work week. Yeah, they don't work at all, dude. They don't work at all. I went to Spain. I didn't get fucked in the ass, but I had dinner. Get the fuck out. So you didn't actually go to Spain? No, I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I was 14. I did, like, an exchange program. And I was staying with a kid that was 16. So we would just go out to bars and go crazy.

I would just smoke... Somebody, like, somebody, like, all you do is drink and smoke cigarettes. I'm like, I'm 14, and I'm in Spain. What do you think? I'm not going to go to museums or anything. Yeah. I shouldn't go to museums now. Yeah, they suck. Unless you get high as shit, then it's fun.

Yeah, take a bunch of edibles, then wander in a museum, have security guards go, sir, sir, sir, I'm sorry. It's just really caught up in the moment, man. I almost got in trouble for that. I smoked my vape in a museum, and then there's just a giant cloud, and I'm like, I don't know, I'm probably not the first guy to try to do that. But I do in the bathroom. Yeah, well, that's where I went, but I thought it.

It was kind of like, it still was like clouding. And I was like, ah, that's going to suck if the alarm goes off. But they still suck. Like, I don't know. I've never been blown away by a museum. I've been to Lou. I've been to all. And I'm like, I don't know.

It's cool. Like, the only reason is cool is because you know what the painting is. Like, I saw Starry, story night in like whatever museum here. I'm like, oh, this is cool because I know Van Goghated this. But if I just saw this anywhere, I'd be like, eh. No, it's a meme. Besides Dolly, that was cool because they're like fucking 30 feet tall. Dolly?

Yeah, Salvador Dolly. I don't know what that is. He has the really trippy ones with the clocks melting and stuff. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. It's in St. Petersburg, Florida, which is kind of a hilarious. We wouldn't expect that.

Maybe, I don't know if you sit all down there. No. I don't know. Is that near Tampa? Where's that near? Yeah, yeah, it's right outside Tampa. Okay. I've always wanted to visit that area.

It's great. Are you a beach guy at all? Yeah. I mean, I can chill on a beach. I don't like swimming in a beach. Yeah, you don't need to. That's overrated. You always go to the beach.

You're swimming the water for like 10 minutes. So it's not really like. I don't know. There's no... That's why everybody hears, like, don't go to the beach. You can't even go swimming. I'm like, I don't care. It's like, I just want to be in the sun and look at water for like hours and just let my mind to like... Yeah. ...dissolve.

And just get out of New York City because, I don't know. It's exhausting here. I was in Times Square last night. I'm putting up these stickers for my podcast with logos on them. I know, they're all over town, you fucking nuisance. Where have you seen him? I saw one at a grizzly pear. I think I saw one on a fucking light pole.

Like, I've seen him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen it. I'm glad the message is getting out. but yeah i mean i'm mostly putting on the back of stall doors because i think my demographic is people who shit in public like risk takers i don't want pussies who shit at home to be listening to the show so it's only in the back of bathroom stalls i can't believe that's never sometimes it's not an option for me shitting in public it's going no going home to shit oh i gotta get on the train for an hour to take a crap yeah no that's fucking not gonna happen no yeah it's

happening yeah i'm right yeah i just ate a pretzel with beer cheese i have 30 Five minutes tops. Yeah, to get to where I need to be. What's the fucking you doing? My buddy asked that, because he just moved here. He's like, hey, man, what's the bathroom situation in New York? I'm like, try to find one. Because it's like, it's not like, like, I don't know what's like in Boston, but in Florida,

it's like, you just go to Walgreens and use the bathroom. And they don't care. Like, it's not a big. Maybe you'll have to buy, like, one thing. Same thing in like, like, like little towns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? I mean, you go to Boston there a little bit and more about it.

But New York's a whole not a level. Like, nope, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, you get knifed in front of the store and be like, can I please just pee in the bathroom? They're like, absolutely not. There's zero chance we're going to let you do that. I just need to pee in my own wound for a second. Just something to fucking stop, you know, the infection. No, absolutely not.

I mean, I get it because I think they just don't want people doing drugs in the bathroom. Yeah, that's the thing. But weirdly the barns... That's why sometimes I'll tell people, like, look, I promise not to OD in there. Just please. They're like, well... I've got a high tolerance. I'm going to be okay.

I didn't not do heroin, yeah. Now, dude, people, yeah, people fucking OD and shit. they drop needles. Like, it's fucking, you know, it's... It is what it is. But it's weird, because Barnes & Noble has a bathroom that's open to the public. And I think they just think that dumbasses aren't going to go in there because there's books. They're like, no drunk addict's going to walk into a Barnes & Noble.

So you could just any time of day, Union Square, Barnes & Noble's third floor, you can just go use the bathroom there. Really? Yeah, yeah. Is it busy? Not really. Like, occasionally there's a line, but it's like very nice. It's like a good... It's probably the best bathroom in the whole entire city.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. The greatest bathroom in the world. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's nice. But yeah, I'm just not used to it because, like, Florida,

it's like you go to literally 7-11, Starbucks, anything. Yeah, come on in, friend. Yeah, yeah, you're going to be okay. Come on in, we don't lock our doors in this town. No, no, although, I mean, the door to my building doesn't even lock now. Which is hilarious because listeners know where I live. Like, somebody said, oh, you live above this bar? So theoretically, if I get to, I don't know, there's only 10 people listening to this podcast anyway.

Yeah, yeah, that's fine. I mean, what are the chance one of them is a rapist? Pretty high, my fan base. Yeah, that's a good point. It's probably six out of ten. 100%. No, but, yeah, no, that's a good bathroom to shit in. I don't know.

I still like Borders and Barnes & Adol. I remember one thing we used to do is we used to take all the porn books because they had all these books that just showed sex positions and we just always put them in the children's section, which I still think is a funny prank to do. It's pretty good. Yeah. You've got to learn somehow.

Yeah, exactly. You're going to learn today. Yeah. That's how, no, I learned because my brother looked up boobs. Most people went to boobs.com or something like that. I feel like with the first see what's on the internet. Yeah, I think what people were, some people went to bigboobs.com. Those are the dreamers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Latin Menasses.com. Yes. They knew what they wanted. They knew what they wanted early. Yeah. I also, like, I remember my parents put Net Nanny on the computer, which is like blocks all the fun stuff. Boo.

Yeah, it's lame. But then I found out my dad's banging the Net Nanny. So we, yeah, that was another, the worst fucking joke I had. We fucking did that And then I had like HBO though In Cinex And so I remember we'd always just like Find movies

You see if there's nudity You sit through the whole entire thing And then you rub one out to that Yeah yeah That's something that These new generation doesn't know They don't know They don't know the joy

Of sitting through all of unfaithful Yeah then you get that one Yeah she actually got naked A few of those scenes Which was unsateful That's the one with Diane Lane Where she cheats on her husband And like four times

She gets fucked and takes her shirt off. Oh shit. Gorgeous. She was like 42 at the time, but still just absolutely fucking dropped dead gorgeous. And did you have like the guide up there

so you saw nudity and then you're like, all right, this is going to be. Yeah. Honestly, if they want people not to see that shit, they shouldn't like advertise it at the beginning because now we're like, oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah, every kid is like, oh, awesome.

Yeah, no parent as well. Yeah, you're just like, yeah, I'll watch this. Dude, I remember it was wedding crashes because there was that first scene where it just hits. And then you're like, hell yes. And then the other one was fast, Ridgemont High. There was a couple in that. Yep, Jennifer Jason Lee.

Was she the pool woman? Or the blonde chick? She was the blonde chick. Right. The pool woman is the more famous. It smells like one of the most famous scenes ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's his name? Judge Reinhold, jacking off in the bathroom? Yeah.

It was played for laughs. You know, Nicholas Cage is in the background of that for like two seconds? Yeah? He works in, like, the kitchen. He's, like, making French fries, and you see, like, him turned behind. Get the fuck out of here. It was that. My favorite was finding out that HBO had, like, a latent. night thing. Because I came home one time and there was just these prostitutes having sex with people on

video. I'm like, I was walking cat house. I'm like, what the fuck is this? Like, it's basically born. They called it a documentary. That's a hilarious documentary. He's like, honey, I gotta go to this brothel down in Nevada. What's the name of that guy who does those seven hour ones for PBS?

Oh, David Attenborough? He's just in the corner. Look at this ass gate fight. That's Jason's day They're recording it Prostitutes in the wild Yeah There's Cat House

And then real sex And there's all those Cat House was my favorite I had I was in love with Isabella Soprano Was she one of the She's one of the horrors Yeah

Yeah They could even call them sex workers In that show I think that was the two gals They're just like these sluts here That's a new term Yeah These professional skinks

There was that guy that Ryan, there was like the kind of fat, bald guy who like just... Yeah. Looks like he's had a couple of rape cases. Probably, yeah. Probably, you know. That's always funny when you find out those people are exactly who you think they are. Like, Ron Jeremy, we're like, wait, but... Get the heck out.

Not Ron! The family friendly guy we all thought we knew and loved. That's amazing, Ron. You get to fuck the most beautiful woman in the world and you still rape. Like, what is wrong with you? Yeah. The fuck. That is kind of severely crazy to think about, yeah. Yeah, like, what the fuck, dude?

like rape is never like good Ray you're always a monster but it's just like an extra layer if you fuck all the time beautiful women and you're like you know what not enough having sex with two hot women today that's just not enough I gotta fuck a third whether she likes it or not

that is yeah that is insane yeah he's not the only one there's a couple porn stars that do shit like that I guess but also if you think about it people that aren't porn have like wildly high sex drives so that makes sense that sexual criminals also probably have very high sex drives. Yes, it does. Yeah, I don't think there's anybody who's just reluctantly out there assaulting women.

I don't want to, but I don't know. I probably should get it out of my system. Yeah, I better take a blue chew. Listen, this isn't fun for me either. I'm on a cold streak. You want to get some eggs after this? Yeah. I think we're already at an hour.

You have anything you want to promote? No. All right. Keep listening. We're doing two episodes a week now. One's coming out Wednesday. One's coming out Sunday. Thanks for listening.