Morning Good - I Guess I'm Caucasian - Episode 174

Episode Date: June 18, 2023

Ryan Thomas and Humzah Azeem join the show for today's episode. They talk about how to fake your own death, Pakistani genetics, and whether or not it's racist to say you "don't care about anyone."Thanks to Ryan and Humzah for joining the show for the very first time. Click their links below to follow them and find out where to see them live in NYC or on the road.Ryan is on Instagram @ryanthomascomedy and hosts The Vegan Chitlin Circuit Podcast. Humzah is on Instagram as well @humzahazeem, but he doesn't post his shows. So just keep going out to live comedy until you run into him.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. Very good.

I love that. Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. And we're here for a second time with Humza. Azeem. Yes. Hamsa Azim? Yes.

All right. I'm right. I'm Ryan Thomas. Yes. And yeah, we started recording and, I mean, you guys missed the best podcast ever. We were riffing. We were having fun. We were breaking down problems.

And, yeah. We actually solved a lot of, like, geopolitical issues and stuff. But we didn't record it, so I don't remember what I said. But I think we solved it. Yes. So we were looking at Chick-Flace. What they funded, it was. Right.

So they were funding Salvation Army and something, something. Is Salvation Army bad? I thought we liked Salvation Army. No. So what they are is they. They solved. They're Christian, so they're not always, but they're particularly like, they're like homosexuality is a sin. Right.

So Salvation Army and Fellowship of Christian Athletes, both organizations have taken controversial stands on homosexuality and same. See, that's a fellow. I'm just, fellowship of Christian athletes? Yeah, yeah. What an oddly specific organization to do anything. It's the pipeline of BYU, dude. Yeah, yeah. Wait, BYU.

BYU isn't Christian. Well, Mormons are Christians, right? Yeah. They're under the umbrella. Are they? Yeah. I don't think we claim them. You will. Whether or not you claim them, they are under the umbrella of Christian.

I don't even claim Christianity. Fuck that, dude. I'm like a quasi-Christian was at a certain point in time, but that's only because... Dude, Christian has like this umbrella over like a bunch of different other sects of like... Yeah, because there are people that are like... It's weird because Protestant. Because like, in my opinion, if you believe and pray to Jesus Christ, you're a Christian in mind. Right.

But I don't know. because then Islam believes in Jesus as well, but they just don't think he's the true prophet. But I'm like, Islam is not Christianity. You know what I mean? It's like... Well, no, so Islam, because I'm Muslim. So Jesus is just not...

Jesus is just like a regular prophet guy. Oh, so he just doesn't... He's just a regular, regular prophet. But he is the Messiah, but he's not God. He's an all-star, but he's not the goat. Okay, because I've heard the argument... That's a good point. I've heard an argument that I've heard Christians say that I'm a Christian because I believe

in the teachings of Jesus but I don't believe you had superpowers. Which is lame. Yeah. Fuck that, dude. That's the most fun part is to believe that the answer.

That's what makes it awesome. That's what made it last for 2,000 years. Look how good Marvel's doing because the superpowers. That's right. You need superpowers if you're going to believe in some shit. Iron Man is like Jesus.

Yeah. Fucking snap. Save the world. Also, I just realized that the whole Christian Muslim beef is just the LeBron Jordan beef. Both people are like, Yo, they were dope, but if you say that LeBron's the goat, you're fucking tripping and I'll fight you.

Ah, that's a good point, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who would you rather have on your team, Jesus and Muhammad? Well, I've always said there's like, if you take the extreme Christians and the extreme Muslims, they really believe similar stuff. Like, if you take the far ends of the spectrum. Which is like men are in charge. Yes. But they want to, but they want to, but they know to homosexuals. Yeah, right.

Did you almost say no to homophobia? Yeah, yeah. I was like, yes, to homophobia. No to homosexuals, yeah, yeah. I don't know because it's like also like the extreme Christians want to are they white supremacists or are they not? I think you have different avenues of it. You have white supremacists that are Christians and then you have like I feel like you have hardcore Baptists on every end. There's probably Chinese hardcore Baptists.

I don't know about that. That's true. Okay. Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah, exactly. You do know about that. There's too many of them for their synoptic.

Not to be like a hardcore. You would say, but you whenever you think about like a conservative Muslim like you just really never would. ever imagine a white person. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. But I think, is there even? Yeah.

A white Muslim? Yeah. Extremist, extremist. Yeah, aren't those the ones that do a lot of terrorist attacks? They go and they get radicalized? I thought it was still the brown people. Yeah. No, there's a lot of it.

You're saying it. I'm not saying. He goes, yeah. Oh, yeah. Big time. Big time. Well, like, what's his name? Like, there are white Muslims, but there's not,

yeah, that's a good point. There's no. Just say it, dude. Well, the ones... I want... Hold on. Let him say. Well, the...

How uncomfortable he is. Let me figure out the words to say this. My white friends don't believe in themselves anymore. Dude, you've got to go with it, dude. They have such a crisis of conscience. They don't have any confidence anymore. You know what it is? There's so few radical Islamic extremists

that there's not enough of them to be white. No, some of them... It's such a small percentage of them. Okay. That... Yeah. And also, I think one's like, okay, so where are there white Muslims? So Syria has white Muslims, right?

Right. Also, like, the Eastern Europe. The Balkans. I would say a white Muslim, right? Osama bin Laden? No. Basal, bro, our friend. Yeah.

Oh, Osama Vassal. Were you getting upset that I was, he's not white? He's one of us. Yeah, dude. No, I think, I think Osama Vassal would say he's brown. No. Osama Bissal would say he's white and has. Yeah.

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. He has jokes about, like, how he's dating the white. and like people think he's white up until he opens his mouth and they're like, what's happening here? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay. All right. Yeah, well, it's, it's also like is, that stuff always gets confused. That's why the term anti-Semitism doesn't make sense because technically, like, all... Oh, Semitic religion is like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's really weird.

Anti-Jewish should be a... We need more terms. We need more anti-Jew. We need better terms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because also, like, the term racism doesn't... It's like, it's a thousand different things. There's the old definition,

which is discrimination based on race, and there's a new definition. which is like the race and charge. Shit, I don't like that you say that has to do with race, which is not the same thing and it infuriates me. Wait, what is this?

I was going to say, a new definition is shit that someone says that you don't like that has to do with race. I thought you were getting mad at him for a second. He's like, I don't want you talking about race.

Would you just tell me? But it's like racism. It means a thousand things, you know what I mean? Because everybody has some level of racism in their head where like they do something and they're like, oh, I, you know,

I thought a way that was. Because you have a thousand thoughts per second, all of them are positive. Oh, man. Dude, I like your definition of it. In your bit? Where you say, we should switch to that. Well, I don't want to use your bit or whatever.

Is it the homophobia racism thing? Yeah, and then you use phobia. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a fun one. Because that one's very specific. Because that one's like, okay, it's like anti-black. Yeah. Where it's like not this like broad thing where it's like, so we're talking about using

more terms. We used your term for black people and then there was something else for like, you know, brown people and like white people. Like, I don't want to say. say that Asian one, but like... Yeah. Because like, in that bit, I say like, if you're racist, it means you think that you're better than me, but like, I just want Negro phobia

to be a thing, so, like, we know what we're talking about. Like, no, you're afraid of black people. And then if we had, you know, cacaphobia or whatever the fuck it would be for white people. Yeah, yeah. Then, like, it would be more specific as opposed to, like, to me, a dumbass phrase, like, stop Asian hate. Like, it just branding is important.

For sure. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm Asian. And I feel like it's bad branding. Yeah, this is confusing. This is super annoying because it's like Wait, actually, I hear mixed things. I thought that, okay, so you're Pakistani, but Indian people I've heard are technically Caucasian. There's a whole thing on the office about it. Indian people are not Caucasian people.

As far as the Caucasus mountains go. The Caucasus mountains. So technically, Indian people can count as Caucasians. In terms of the etymology of the word. Is the Caucasus mountains in there? Yeah, they're close. But the Himalayas are in there. Are you sure?

I'm probably, it was a whole, my dad explained it to me, and he's never wrong about anything. My dad can beat your dad. Yeah. And I'm going to look at where the. That's a whole part of the office where they're putting the ethnicities on their head. Yeah. And then, yeah. Kelly puts Caucasian.

He's like, you're not, yeah, it's a whole thing. Yeah, well, because people will be like, yo, like, what are you? And I'll be like, I'm Asian. And they'll be like, no, you're Middle Eastern. And I'm like, no, I know what I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's because, like, on the census, like, they don't have, like, I don't know if they'll update it for the next one. But, like, I'll have to put Asian because they don't have, like, a Southeast Asian slash, like, whatever.

For sure. So it's like, you think Asian and then you think, like, Chinese, Korea. The Caucasus mountains are by Georgia, which is close to Alabama. See, I told you, bro. No. Georgia, Azerbashan, and Turkey. Yeah, dude, that's way further west than India. But it's like, yeah, it's on the border of, like, Georgia and Russia.

Look up our Indian people Caucasian. Yes. Okay. I could be insanely wrong about this. I think you are, to be honest. Are Indian people Caucasian or not? Oh, let's see. It's complicated, but yes?

Sure. The answer is yes, 98 votes, but Indians aren't democratic, so the votes don't count. That's true. That's true. A simple answer yes, do so. A lot of people are saying yes on Quora. I don't know. George Mason.

Oh, Caucasian race. Oh, okay, perfect. So this is going to have some sort of... The Caucasian race, also Caucasoid, Europid, or Europoid, whatever the fuck, is an obsolete racial classification of humans based on a now. Disproven Theory of Biological Rate. All right, fuck this. Too many words on that one.

Yeah, too many words. I'm gonna trust you, honestly. I'm maybe, I guess I'm Caucasian. I'm gonna put that on now. Welcome to the party. Someone tries to get mad at me. I say, no, I am white. Yeah.

I don't care what you say. Talking to a cop. You're gonna speak to a white man like that. And they go, what are you talking about? I go, Michael Good said, I'm white. So I am. And they'll be like, all right, respect. But it is, like, I, my whole life, I thought Indians were,

even though India is in Asia. Like, I thought Indians were different than Asia. Like when I was, like, told, I was like, I think an Asian person. Indians are different than Asians. Yeah, but it's... That's why we need better words. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why the fuck are we doing continents? Because isn't Borat, Asian? Yeah, yeah. It's like, Borat doesn't look like an Indian person or an Asian person. Yeah, Eastern Europe's so weird because it's like there are, but there are people in Eastern Europe that, like, are a different ethnicity than white. You know what? Like what? Like Russians that are in Siberia.

Yeah, but I call them white. Yo! I met like some Asian-looking Russians. They were like, brownish Asian. I would have thought they were from like, I don't know, Thailand or like Laos or some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they just started speaking Russian. Yeah. But the weird thing is like their accents were different too.

I don't know if it's because they looked Asian, so my brain was like imprinting an Asian accent on them. But I was like, this is weird because it kind of sounds like an Asian accent, but I can like discern the words. You know what I? Yeah. I'm just checking to make sure the camera's on it after we just recorded nothing. They must have, they, dude, they must have been from South Russia right back to like China, Mongolia and stuff.

Maybe. Yeah. Because, like, I was like, usually if I hear an Asian language, it just sounds like sounds. Like a whole bunch of, like, vowels popping off. Yeah, there's no way. You're going to be like, oh, that means Apple. Yeah, give me like an example. Wait, wait, going hey, fat choy? No, that's something I can say, so it doesn't count.

Yeah, it just sounds like, ah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that. A lot of vowels. Awing, ow, ow, yeah. Dude, it's a whole bunch of sounds. But the other languages, like, you hear like the duki, bap, What the fuck What was that?

Yeah, what language was that? I don't know. I swear to God, I was going for rush. You were going for Russian there by going Goop, goop, goob, goob, goab, goab, go. That sounded like, well, so are you saying? It sounded like a 50s do up, like, um, bop. Boom, ba, boop.

But, so you're talking about how, like, in Spanish or in French, like, you can tell that they're saying, like, letters that are part of our language. Yeah, that's just because they're Germanic language. Yeah. So then when they were talking. No, romantic. Romantic, Germanic, Germanic.

whatever. Is that the same? You know, I think so. I'm not here to learn. Yeah, yeah. Let me be very clear. But yeah, then I heard him say Nosvradanya, and I was like, son of a bitch, it is Russian. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. That's crazy. Where did you see these people? They were my movers. Oh, did you move recently? Yeah, I moved on Friday. Last seven days ago. Did you use Dumbo moving? No, no. I'd use this guy named Tim Tim the mover. Oh, nice. In my phone, he's just Tim

mover. Where did you, so where are you now? I'm in bedstay. What's your ad? Wait, I want to say this, the Russian movers are awesome, dude. I, uh, for my job, I, like, went with them because they're like, okay, move the things. And they're like, do you want us to give you ride to office? And I was like, yeah.

And I didn't realize ride to office meant I'm sitting between two Russian guys, just chain smoking cigarettes in the car, which I'm fine with, but it was just so funny that like it was just like, some cigarette brand I've never even heard of. That's like, I'm looking at. I'm like, what is that cigarette brand? There's like, well, that I just can't understand a word that they're saying.

Yeah, yeah, it just changed smoking cigarettes. The funny thing, though, is when you hear certain words, because they, like, okay, the word comedy is in different languages, but whenever I'm barking, I still hear people say, let's have it, comedy show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's always funny to hear that, yeah. Yeah, they got that, they slide in a little bit of English. I do, I do want to bring up, something we were talking about before we got into this

on the last, the first recording of this episode was the celebrity look-alike. So we were talking about the Aver Levine look-alike. Oh, right. And, uh, the conspiracy of it all. Yes. I think it would be incredibly fun to fake your own death. If I reach some level of success, I would love to, is he legal to fake your own death? Probably.

Feels like something. It's probably not, it's probably not legal because you'd have to forge a bunch of documents. But no, no, no. What you're doing is, what you're doing is you're disappearing and you do, I think Kenny Power's in it and he's batting down. You take a car and you put your records in it. So like, I take like a couple teeth out. Okay.

I think it is always sunny too. So you take teeth out of your mouth. You put it in the car. So that's definitely illegal. because you're misleading everybody. That has to be against me. It's not illegal to mislead people. I can lie to my girlfriend.

As a rule, lying whenever an authority gets involved is illegal. Right. Right, but how are you like... What do you mean, nigga? How are you lying? You're saying you're dead and you're not.

That's a big old lie. And then the cops are going to be there and be like, yes, this is him. You're wasting a bunch of people's time to like confirm your death. You're going to have a funeral. Like money will be... Okay, so arson is illegal.

Littering is legal. Littering is legal, right? So you're... But if you could do it this way, I want to make this happen. I want to fake my own death. Okay, so I would love to fake my own death just for the attention. I mean, yeah, you can do it, but it's still illegal. I'm sure of it.

But I don't think the act of faking your own death is illegal. I think it's the stuff that comes along with it. It's like lighting something on fire. Because if you just go missing in the woods, people could be like, oh, you're faking your own death. Right, but that's like me saying lighting something on fire isn't illegal, depending on what makes it illegal is what I'm lighting on fire. Yeah. Okay, so is illegal to, I don't think it's illegal to light a car on fire.

So if you had your own. Your own lot, right? Your own lot, like a big plot of land in Tennessee. Okay. And you take like a bomb, like a legal bomb, like a sparkler bomb or something like that. Fireworks. Sure. You blow up a car.

Okay. You leave dental records in there. Okay. People find the car on fire. It's on your own property. They go, oh, he must have died in this fire. Yeah. Where's the body?

It burned up. It's burned up. But you leave some level. There's no way the body gets that burned up. you make it look like a real explosion. Maybe you cut your finger off and you leave like one finger there. Peter Pedigrew actually. It's not illegal to cut your own.

Who's Peter Pedigrew? Peter Pegger who picked a pike of pipa. That guy, yeah. Yeah, but so like I would love to do that and then come back like three days later and be like, what's up guys? Oh yeah. And everybody would be like, yeah. And you'd have to do like, uh, select, like it, I'd want to be at a celebrity status where it would matter. Like, um, like there's a weird.

This is how stupid. Yeah, exactly. When I was a kid when Heath Ledger died, I'm like, wait for the premiere. He's going to come back. Which is no. That's insane. I was a kid. I was like, I was like, I'm telling you the premiere.

Like, I was so sure of it. Do you think people would be psyched or do you think they'd hate you for like a while? They would hate you. I had a friend to fake die and it was awesome. So he, one of my friends, I'll explain this. Why are you equipped to answer this question? Yes. I've said this before, everybody deserves one fake death because it makes people really appreciate you.

Okay. Okay. So one of my friends, he was out at the beach with his skeptical. He was out of the beach to my girlfriend. and, or his girlfriend, and one of my friends text him and goes, hey, you know, why is Ryan not answering his phone? And his girlfriend said, oh, he died and went to the beach and just didn't answer the phone for like 10 hours. So for like 10 hours. Wait, wait.

The guy's name is Ryan. Yeah. Ryan said he was dead. Or his girlfriend said he was dead. Yeah. My other friend, Sean, who is dead, was reaching out. Jesus. Oh my God.

Yeah, yeah. To Ryan's girlfriend. It was like, hey, where's Ryan? And then she said, Ryan's dead. And she was just sarcastically joking. And then she just left her phone at, like, the condo. and she went to the beach for like six hours. So everybody's like...

Oh, purpose? Was this part of the thing, or did she just happen to leave her phone? She had to leave her phone. It was like, it was like a joke text, but she was just said it and was like, whatever, he's dead, like just, and then left it there. And so me and my mom, I'm like crying. This is six hours later. We're going to his house.

Are you guys stupid, bro? You didn't confirm it with anybody else? If somebody texted me and was like, Ryan Thomas died or Michael Good died, I'd be like, and it was like, one of my friends, I'd be like, yeah, I need some other. confirmation. See, I just, I feel like... That did literally happen to me last night. When I was on this date, like, she went to the bathroom, she came back, she was like, oh shit, 15 missed calls.

I'm over here, like, that's either really good or really bad. And then the text say, I'd rather talk to you about this on the phone. I don't want to text you, but then she wasn't paying attention to the text because I'm so good at dates. And then she did see the text, and she's like, oh, my gosh, my friend from high school, like,

died. But then she goes, no, no, no. no, no, no. And she texted a friend died from a heart attack, like, for real, like serious. And then the friend texts back, like, yes, this is real, this is serious. And she's like, no fucking way.

Yeah, yeah. You guys didn't do the no fucking way. Yeah. You gotta go through denial. Yeah, but also what happens is like the people I grew up with were fucking wild. And now a bunch of them are dead. So it's like your mind mental, it's like, okay, if you're hanging out with a bunch of people who are crazy and like, could die, you're saying like, then when they die, you're like, by way, this friend now has got his life together

with the friend out. When he was high school, he was fucking rowdy as hell. So like, in your mind you're like, oh yeah, that's totally believable that this guy would have died. And that's how you would have found out? What's up? That's how you would have found out though? Yes, a text message, that's always how you find out. He's dead? Yeah. Nothing more?

No, dude. Yeah, when people are in grief, you don't know. Yeah, people are direct as shit. Every time I told him to die, I get this person died, they killed himself, overdose, period. That's what it is. Right, but you said you added that. I added what? You added, oh, he killed himself, he OD'd or whatever. Yeah, but even if somebody said, you just kind of text like, oh, they'll just, oh. Yo, are you with Michael? He's dead.

I'd be like, oh, I mean, he's not dead. But also the way I heard it was Sean texted me saying Ryan's dead. So one, and he go, what? Oh, his girl. So maybe Sean didn't even feel that much that way, but I'm going, okay, now one friend's telling me, oh, he died. His girlfriend just told me he died. How close were you with Sean? Very close. One of my best friends. Oh, okay. Sorry.

Rest and peace. That's all good. It's fine. I don't even care about it. We're fine. Let's do jokes. It sounds like he should have vetted it though, to be honest. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah. He should have been like, okay.

You got to vet it before you send it to someone else. Right. But also, you get a text that says somebody's died. I agree with you. You don't hear answers for. It's like at first you're like, ha ha, ha. And then you're like, okay. Why didn't she answer he calls?

Why doesn't she answering? You know what I mean? It escalates the point where you're like, oh, this person is dead now. Because I won't get a call from somebody. I'll, I'll, I'm, that's just my shit right now mentally is like I will, if somebody calls me and I don't hear back. Like I assume that like if I didn't be getting a miscall for my hometown, I'm just assuming somebody died now, which is crazy.

Yeah. But it's like I'm scared to answer phone calls now because I'm like, oh shit, it's going to be disinformation. Yeah, dude, if you answer the phone call, you killed them. Yeah, that's how worse. It's like a final destination thing. Yeah, it's a real Schrodinger's cat situation. Yeah, yeah.

Wait, which one's that? This is the one with the box and there's a dead cat or an alive cat, and it's kind of in a state of suspended existence where it's neither dead nor alive. Because you haven't opened the box. Until you open the box. What's in the box? What's in the box? What's in the box? This is like a way deeper explanation that I don't totally understand, but that's all I got.

Remember, we were there when Eli was explaining it to us. Oh, he was surprisingly good at it. It was a lot of electron. Eli Habba. Yeah, because like there's this thing with electrons and like there's like physical Newtonian physics, which is like what we learn in school and like what we observe. But then there's like the quantum physics where like Isaac Newton's rules just don't really mean shit anymore.

And one of the weirdest ways that they don't mean shit is like, probability now matters and like shit occurs randomly and nothing is absolute until it is observed. So it really doesn't go one way or the other until it's observed and you're like, wait, what the fuck? Now it's this way? Now it's this way. He was saying that like electrons are moving and like before you look at an electron, it could be anywhere in like, in whatever, in an atom. Like it could.

Okay. An electron could be anywhere within the atom when you're looking at it. But once you look at it, it's in that place forever. So because it stops moving or something like that once you look at it. He said something like that. So before you... Okay, is this like if you're looking for something and you don't see it? But then like if I'm looking at it, let's say a...

Where's Waldo? Right. Scientific example. I see, I don't see Waldo so Waldo can be anywhere. But then when I see Waldo, he can't be anywhere else because I've already seen where he is. I think that's what it is basically. But it's weird because, like, Waldo was always there. He was always at that spot.

In the electron... Was he until I saw it? Oh, okay. Fair enough. I see what you're... I guess a man drew him there, but yeah. Yes. But he kind of didn't exist there. Originally, he could be anywhere,

the probability of him being anywhere, yeah. Yeah. And then once you do it, and it's... I think what it means, maybe, is that it's the whole argument for, like, we create our own reality, and, like, reality exists because we observe it and experience it.

Yeah. And so like once it's a man, no dude, I literally think, I literally think Schrodinger's cat is a metaphor for the electron thing. I don't think that it necessarily has like this like broader life meaning. No, no.

It's, well, yes, I think it is a metaphor. But it's like what does that tell us about the nature of existence? The fact that something isn't stagnant and observable until we observe it. Like that. So this is an interesting thing because I heard Tom DeLong,

I don't know if you know, Leeds Singer and Blink 182, crazy alien guy now. Oh, nice. Yeah, he's talking about all his nonsense. He's going, yeah, we think that we are reacting to our environment, but our environment's actually reacting to what we're thinking

and which creating things. You know, you think, okay, my wallet's going to be here, then you find your wallet there. And I think, oh, that's not true. Let me just try to imagine a million dollars. But the answer is, I don't believe it. So I can't see the million dollars because I haven't thought about it yet.

Oh, yeah. Because there's that doubt in it, right? There's that doubt. but what I would argue, oh, I don't know, that actually just changed my perspective completely. I would argue, well, there's crazy people just because they imagine something doesn't mean it's real, but it is real to them, so it doesn't matter.

You know what I mean? It's like somebody who's schizophrenia, they're imagining they're a millionaire. So they are a millionaire in their reality. So they are kind of, the answer is just to be delusional, man. It seems like a good way to live. Yeah, I mean, if you live in a collective delusion, then it's cool for those who are able to, like, game the delusion.

But this is like the basic rules of like magic. When you read books, they're always like, you got to believe. And then a lot of the reason the normal non-magical people can't see the magic is because they don't believe in it. Have you heard the theory

that you are living life through, like you're actually on your deathbed and you are... All this is me reliving my life? This is you reliving your life because apparently you get like seven seconds when you're dying or something about like your brain goes through

your entire life or something. So the theory is that you are in that seven seconds right now. And because it's a memory that you should be able to just like think up something new. Do you know what I'm saying? Like because this isn't real and I'm thinking this. It's like a dream. So like if you get into a state of like lucid dreaming,

you would be able to like change your recurrent reality into whatever you want because it's not actually happening. It's you thinking about it. So I'm on my deathbed right now. Yeah. In seven seconds. So this is all a flashback. Yes. But how could I control it if it's all a flashback?

Because it's like you're thinking, like, because it's all in your brain, right? It's a flashback, but you're controlling it. So it's like a dream. So I could make my whole life whatever I want because this is all me just responding to this. Oh, yeah. I'm basically in a dream like flashback. Yes. I'm getting goosebumps now.

I'm getting fucking goosebumps. I'm kind of hung over so my brain had a little bit of anxiety. And then I slammed a Celsius before this. And now I'm just getting the little tickles. He's getting the shakes, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Avril of V one really gets me. I was talking about this before we.

stopped recording. Yes, that creepy TikTok music would's experience. But the only one that, it'll be funny because it would be like Michelle Obama is actually trans. It'll go do, do, do it. It's not really spoof. That's the one conspiracy theory. It doesn't affect anything. Like, it does not, nothing would change. So which ones, do

you said that the lower stakes they are, the more likely you're to believe? So what's the highest stakes that you don't believe? What's the highest stakes that you do believe? Oh, the highest stakes conspiracy theory that I do believe. The one that pops into my head, is probably

like the 9-11 Bush totally did it, bro. But I don't know, well, I don't believe he did it. I believe we knew about it and let it happen so that they could invade and invade the release and get back at Saddam.

Like the longer I live, the more I'm like, you know, diversity does a thing, diversity is very much a thing in thought and action. And I could never conceive of, I don't think most people could conceive of like knowing something like that

was going to go down and letting it happen just to justify like your ends, whether or not in your head you're saying this is for the good of America in the long term. Like most people, that's wild. What I was so bent on finding the guy who tried to kill your dad. But that's what I'm saying is like,

the people in charge, for the most part, are not normal people. Right. They don't represent the populace in terms of how they're wired, what their desires are, and the means they're willing to go to to get to their goal. Yeah. Right.

But, yeah, it is interesting, though, because, yeah, you are going, from a perspective of somebody who has empathy and you're putting yourself, you're thinking, I wouldn't do that. Which was that funny, I saw a video recently this guy he's talking about, he's like, dude, if I was the leader of North Korea, I can't even imagine doing these horrendous things. Like, yeah,

what is this video? You just said, dude, I could not, if I was Adolf Hitler, I could not imagine. He's like, because you're not him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what is an interesting thought is, if you were him, would you do something different? You go, of course, but that's only because you're you. Yeah, because, no, but if you were him, you would be him, so you would do the

same thing. Yeah, so everybody in Hitler's shoes would technically be Hitler. So if you say if you were in that position, would you do the same things? The question is, how would you ever get to that position unless you weren't willing to do those kinds of things? I would have killed more Jews if I was Hitler. I think he wasn't good at it. And I think I'm good at what I do.

Yeah. You think whatever I put my mind to. Yeah. So it's interesting, you're like, I'm not anti-Semitic. I'm just more ambitious. Yes, I'm just more ambitious. So if I combined my ambition with a hateful ideology. Interesting.

Yeah, I'd be really. Now, I think that could be quoted in a way. Yeah. I think it should be quoted. Yeah. I mean, I think 10 years from now when you're up for S&L. If I was hit, I would kill more, you. Come at me, dude.

I think we bring this one back. Yeah, bring it back. But yeah, I think they're just completely wired differently. I think they lack empathy. Like, they have, like, way below average empathy. And also, they're separated from, like, the people they govern. Right. But I also think there's a process of self-lying

that you could get through like a crazy thing. You could go, you could go, oh, I'll actually save more lives if I let them do 9-11. Because now I'm going to invade a country that more, we should instill democracy in the, so maybe your brain wraps around. I legit think that Bush just wanted the oil there and to go get Saddam Hussein who tried to kill his dad.

Yeah, there's a lot of reasons. There's a lot of like very simple, plausible reasons. Saddam Hussein killed his dad? He tried. There was, Finding out Saddam wasn't as bad as we thought. I think this is a thing that's happening. Oh, no, I always knew.

Because in my house, it was like, I don't know what we're doing right now. Right. And growing up, it was like, they're not even connected to 9-11. Yeah, it wasn't like, it was very much like a media blitz, which like I very much fell victim to of like this bad thing happened. We got to go to the Middle East. Oh, Toby Keith was coming out. We were all on the same page. Drinking those popsicles that are red, white, and blue.

And you're like, yeah. All right, dude, those things were fire, though, dude. Also, the Crayola Popsicles. I never had a girl of popsicles. I think you were just eating crayons. Dude, that Lego candy is so good, bro. So, kind of hard. You guys know, my favorite meal was just monopoly, like, money and stuff like that.

Just eating it. Like, listerine strips. I don't think you would have killed more shoes. I think he would have been eating monopoly money. This is just a reverse ATM, just, mhm, mhm. Yeah, yeah, I literally just eat it. Dude, that is kind of baller. There should be a rapper that eats money.

Like, dude, that would be sick. Just, like, in a blender, he, like, drinks money milkshairs. And he's like, I don't give a fuck. That's the most baller shit ever. You're like, it looks so fucking metal. It looks like, oh, dude, you're drinking like a spinach, like spinach smoothie. And you're like, no, dude, this is like hundreds of dollars. I'm going to shit out money to me.

That's how much I don't give up. Because it's organic spinach? No, no, it's money. Like metaphorical money? No, it's literal money. That's just out of money. be so sick. Dude, South Park

has an episode about that where they do the, they're talking about Magic Johnson and that is the cure to AIDS. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. The cure to age is literally just chopping up hell of money

in a blender and drinking it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Every other joke I have is from somewhere. By way, this is, I appreciate you tell me that. This has been like a week of every bit. I do a bit. People were like, oh yeah, like the family guy episode.

I'm like, fuck. If it's on South Park or family guy, it doesn't count. If it's from another comic, you extra can't. do it if it's from South Park. Why? Because then it's like... They've done too much.

It's 25 seasons. 250 episodes. They talked about too many things. Fuck that. You can't... If you saw the episode and then you decide I'm gonna do a bit about that, then no. Which is what people will think

if he goes on stage in the show South Park. They'll be like he saw South Park. How similar is your bit to what I'm described? No, I don't have a bit. I'm saying this joke we just did in the podcast. Oh, yeah. What we're talking about right now?

No one's going to think about that. Plus, there's too many South Park episodes. When I say a bit, I mean, like, like, conversation bits. Like I see me. Yeah, yeah. But there is, there is a, oh, sorry. I was just going to say after this,

anyone go to Wingstop and get those, those Wingstop chicken sandwiches. I was thinking about a chicken, I was thinking about a chicken sandwich, but not from Wingstop. What were you thinking? From where? I think that, yeah.

Well, because we were talking about Chick-fil-A. Anyway, sorry, what are you going to say? No, no, I was going to say, there is, like, there are meals that people, like, grade real gold onto. It's like, there's like, edible gold. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, what's up with that? I don't seem healthy. People being rich people, dude. Because then you like poop it out Yeah I think it goes through you Like I'm pretty sure You can't digest gold? Yeah something like that

It's unfortunate Dude, shit in gold That's so fucking badass Dude I'm trying to shit gold Yeah They told me that I couldn't But I peeled And I'm not gonna take pictures

Go to your doctor With like a dump With a gold flakes And it'd be like No I don't tell you guys about There's your paycheck I didn't tell you about the poop For money thing

I must have told you No No This is how I'm trying to not go back to work But it's a long shot Okay There's a way That you can shit

And then send it in and get paid $500 per shit because there's this thing called C-diff, which is a very dangerous disease that can kill people, and the way they treat it is to blend up like a really healthy poop that has a good microbiome. Why I'm out? I eat garbage every day. I'm in. I'm in, dude.

I'm not healthy enough, too. You blend it up, and then they inject it up the butt, and then you can save lives. And because it's so rare that people have the right microbiome, they pay you $500 per poop, and you can donate it every day. So what you're saying is injecting shit, and if somebody else's ass creates, fixes a disease, That's a real long shot.

Yeah, there's a South Park on this. Oh, I'm not even doing a bit. God damn. Are you serious? There really was a South Park on this. And I, it's a real thing. And apparently gut health, they're saying now is something that like, not only like makes your body, like, operate better, lose weight, be more in shape, all that kind of stuff,

but also like affects your psyche, makes you feel better. But it's so few people that have like the right combination. What is this called? My dad's, uh, um, I'll text it to you. My dad's a stomach, like, is a digestive. specialist. So I want to ask for this. Is it CDF? Oh, C. diff is the disease. Okay. And they really

do treat it that way. But yeah. So I fell out the questionnaire and they just got back to me like a week ago and they're like Hey, bro, nah. But you can appeal if you want, if you think like the questionnaire was off. You think we're wrong. Yeah, yeah. We have like automated process. I was like, bro. Like I have apps. I didn't mail your shit.

That's so. You're just at the post office. It's just like trying it to smile while you're like Yeah, you just got to find dry ice. Fucking put it on dry ice. Oh, there's like a fog. machine. Isn't that what dry is? Yeah. Oh, that's bad. What if you just diarrhea all over it? Well, then you don't have the good poop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to have the good poop. So right now, my next step, I peeled and they're all right, fine, dude, we'll see, maybe. So I have to take five poops, take pictures of the poops, and then take pictures of, like, what I look like right now and send those in, and then they'll be like, hmm, maybe we'll take you to the next step. The next step would be I actually send in my poop and then they test it to see if it's, like,

ultra-healthy and shit. Is it C-D-I-F? C-D-F. however you spell that in your head. All right. Well, I just text to my dad, so hopefully he responds. Dude, how do you get a smell-proof bag enough to, like, not smell human shit? Well, if it's cold. If it's cold, you're not going to smell it.

Really? But also trash bags. You could poop in a trash bag and you wouldn't smell. Mm-hmm. Not a trash bag. I hold dog shit. Good. Yeah.

Does it? Yeah, yeah. You need to get some hefty or something, dude. Yeah. You got to get that scented thing. With the odor seal. Yep. Yeah.

Odor lock. Like, just like what drug dealers get? You just, like, what do you call? called like a Ziplock. It's like airtight. Have you seen that? We just said the odor seal. We just said that. And you're not even listening. I'm sorry. This is your podcast, dude.

Yeah, this is bad. You know what? If this couch wasn't so comfortable, I would have got up to leave. As a bit. I was going to get up as a bit. And I was like, I don't want to move. I'm sunken in solo into this couch right now. It feels good. This is a nice couch, man. Yeah, it is great for relaxing, but it's hard

for podcast because you kind of just sink. Like, I've tried to work from there and I'm like, it's terrible. I'm just sink in completely. I feel like if I was sitting in this for too long, my back would start to hurt, though. I feel that one of my friends had a really soft bed. I woke up. My back was fucked for like two weeks. Was this a boyfriend or a girlfriend?

It was a boyfriend. A friend that was a boy? With a wife. Boy-hyphen friend? Yeah. No, no, not a boy. Were you cucking somebody? Am I cucking someone? Yeah. Would you cuck someone? Yeah. That's how you avoid answering a question. Yeah.

They want me to, or they don't want me to. No, I'm saying, would you do it? Yeah, if they want you to cuck someone, like, he's in the room. If the niggas in the room, it says, I want you to fuck my wife. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, probably. You would do it? Yeah, yeah, totally. You're sure you would do it? Even if the moment was there, you're like, you would do it and could get it up. My thing is, I would have to know how much it's going to emotionally, because it might be one of those where he comes, then he's like, what am I doing? Like, if he has a sad post, not clarity, then I feel bad about it. How hot is it? Oh, he would have had to have been cut before. Yeah, and he goes, I'm comfortable.

This is not going to start a fight. Yeah. How hot is his wife? I mean, I'm going to assume... Wife, I thought we were talking a husband. She's a woman that you would fuck under normal circumstances. Yeah, thin, yeah, sure. Why not? Yeah.

You know, because there's a nigger looking at you. That's the why not. That's why. Just close your eyes. Ooh, does race matter? So I'll watch cuck porn because I think it's fun when the girls really mean. She's like, eh, fuck you. But the race ones make me feel weird.

because then it feels like it's an extra thing. She's like, and he's black. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I just wanted, you know what I mean? It's like, now it feels racist in a way. Oh, yeah. Oh, because it's a white girl getting cucked by a black guy or something. Yeah, and her husband's like, now it's the worst.

You're like, all right, well. Now it's the worst. Yeah, yeah, I'm like, yeah, yeah. Why is it demeaning? I thought this was like a consensual thing between everybody. Because I think the whole part of the cuckold thing is like you are being humiliated. The woman is? But you like being, no, the man.

Yes. The man that is not fucking, the man that is having his wife fucked by another man is being humiliated, but he likes that. Oh, okay, okay. But there's also another side of cuck, which I'm totally making up, but this just seems like it makes sense, where like, you just like watching your wife get fucked. Right. It has nothing to do with humiliations. So I guess in that context, it wouldn't be racist, but the humiliation context. Oh, okay.

But there's a lot of humiliation cucking where it's like, oh, you could never dig me down like this. And the guy's like, yeah, I could never dig you down like that. Oh, I did not know that was what it was. But I like Cup Pork because I like a girl just being really mean. It's hot for her to be like, I don't even care about those 10 years of marriage. You're like, oh, it's so hurtful. That's hilarious, dude. So she's like, so she's super into it too about like humiliating her guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's like, you're a piece of crap. Like your dick is small. This guy's dick is way bigger than yours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's saying that stuff and he's just jerking off in the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy.

Or sometimes he's in like a, like, they have a dick cage. They put like a little cage of the dick. If that was happening. A dick cage? Yeah, yeah. Are you serious? What are the logistics of the... Is it like a dick in a box situation?

It's like... So he can't access it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wow, to not be able to access your dick at... Why? What's in it for him then? I thought his whole thing was that he's jerking off while this is happening.

I think it's a myth. There's different kinds of things. You know, sometimes you need that steady build. Yeah, yeah. Part of it's the oh that he can't come at all. And then she's like, all right, now that I fucked ten guys. Now I'll jerk you off. Oh, wow.

But he's still getting jerked off by his wife? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still hot. That's just his foreplay. Which I get, I get it because it's like I never want somebody to fuck my girlfriend, but I get the aspect of somebody being really mean because it's like, it's like, so your girlfriend? No, to you. No, no, no, no. I get the, because I watch it in porn, but I'm watching from an outsider's perspective.

I'm not, this isn't my own personal life, you know what I mean? But I like, I get that like her being mean is hot and that that he's getting personally. It's like when people like getting choked during sex, it's a rush of pain and adrenaline. Yeah, so I think the humiliation is like a, it's like a humiliation rush. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah. Oh, interesting. That's the weirdest one to me, though. Only because, like, it's...

Actually, I guess it's kind of weird to like pain, too. Yeah, but it's the same element. It's like something is giving you a physical rush, so you're like, yeah. Yeah, but the physical rush of humiliation fucking sucks ass for most people. Yeah, yeah. What do you say?

The physical rush of humiliation, like it's a bad feeling. You're like, ah, I don't like it. Yeah. They leave, but some people like that, which is so weird. Yeah, that is weird. I get it. Yeah, I get it completely.

That's why you bomb so much, right? Fuck you. That's why your jokes aren't funny. That's why you're bad at comedy. Look, Michael. Fuck you, fuck you. Wait, but do you like, I kind of get liking humiliation or pain in a sexual sense only because, like, sex is a weird thing.

We experience the different ways. But, like, do you like humiliation in, like, normal life? No, no. Because it's the opposite. That's what's weird to me. Yes, but also they say a lot of times your sexual kinks are the opposite of your real life. So for example, like, I'm a, I'll be, I'll be dominant sometimes, sometimes I'll be submissive. But the thing I hate in real life is being told what to do. But with porn,

I really like it when the girl's telling the guy what to do. Because I hate hospitals. They disgust me. But I have a weird doctor fetish or like nurse fetish. It's nurse. It's a nurse. Now, I'm not into dudes. It's a nurse. Women can be doctors. Oh, damn. Oh, sure. You need to reexamine your gender roles in, and a sexist and a perver. Dude, your gender biases are wild right now, bro. Are you wearing two different socks? This might be the most I've ever related to you. Yeah, dude.

I wear two different socks all the fuck. I lost one sock, I lost the other sock, but now they found each other. Yeah, it's perfect. He's clearly wearing two different socks. Yours look like they could be the same. No, no, no, this time they're the same sock. Rarely am I wearing this. By the way, I also have holes in my socks because I didn't get my toenails.

Yeah, be like that. My toenails are painted. Yeah, these are like a divorcee socks. Yeah, dude, a little bit. Actually, I'm not going to lie. Like, I literally, like, when my brother saw, that my toenails were painted for the first time, I think he actually thought I was gay.

Like, you did it as a bit. Yeah. And, like, he did it, and I laughed. But then I was like, I think he might think I'm queer in some way. Yeah, yeah. And it was hilarious to me because I was like, bro, they're just painted toenails. Tonells. Yeah, that is funny that becomes.

But it also depends on what color are they? What? Right now, they're like a robin's egg blue, but I got to go redone because, like, it got it a long time ago. You know, it is interesting. I think for white dudes, if you paint your nail, is black, that's less seen as gay than colorful, which I guess makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's more like goth or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, if you're in a band, then it's more like common. But I think outside of that, it, I get,

I get why your brother thinks it's gay. Do you not get why he would think it's gay? No, no, I get why he would think it's gay. But not think you get, it's crazy that he would actually that he would be like, yo, you gay? Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because not only like, do, have you know me for 30 years, but also you think this is how I fucking. come out to you just casually with paint the toenails? The fuck is that? Yeah, that's a good point, yeah, because it's like, you can think something's gay, but not now

just assume that, you know what I mean? It's like, yeah. Like, I think wrestling's gay, but if it's, I'm my friend, you're like, dude, you're, you wrestled in high school? For sure gay now. You're like, no. Dude, not to bring this back, but I asked my dad about this C diff thing, and he said, yeah, c. C. diffisile. Clostradiodides, I don't know how to say.

Is he speaking to you in Hindi, bro? What's that? You just, we're, You're like, clause? I don't know how to say it, but causes disabling diarrhea that can be treated by introducing poop from a healthy person to the colon of the patient. Sorry, disabling diarrhea is hilarious because I just picture a guy in a wheelchair, but what do you get, diarrhea? I'm just shitting so much.

I literally, I'll have to be sitting because I'm probably going to shit right now. Yeah. A diapolidia? Yeah. He says he does it. Oh, your dad been putting poop in people's butts this whole time? Yeah, that's why I asked him. Dude, now you guys are closer than you were.

You're welcome. Oh, no. Bringing families together. We're still the same amount of clothes. You think I haven't asked him about poop all the time? Well, you clearly haven't asked them about this? I didn't even know that this thing existed. Oh, that's true.

Dad just has been putting shit in people's asses for a living. Yeah. And getting paid like really good money to do it. That's crazy, dude. You're putting shit into people. Let me turkey base. Yo, let me poop into your butt, dude, directly in there and you owe me $500. That's how doctors should be paid, not based on how hard the skill is, but how gross it is.

Like, ew, I got to touch butts. It's like, all right, you get paid more now. $472,000. So, okay, so then would a gynecologist get paid a lot or not a lot? Oh, Pussies are nasty. Yeah, that's a good point, yeah, because everybody's... If you're not having sex with a vagina, it's disgusting.

He's over here, painting his nails, talking to how gross vaginas are, Ryan. And you're over there thinking that women can't be doctors. Yeah. And I'm over here coming out looking like a knight and shining armor. Yeah, because you didn't say the shit about you'd be a better Hitler. I forgot about that. than you right now.

You also got the last recording. Where you go, me and Michael don't care about black people. You didn't deny it. The specific quote was... No, I denied it immediately. You wrapped me into something that did not feel. No, he wrapped you in, and then he doubled... And then you said, not me.

And then he doubled down, looked in my eyes and said, I don't care about the plight of black people. That did happen. That did happen. I won't run from it. But that being said, I don't care about the plate of anybody. Wow. Yeah, but that's different.

Progressively regressive. Yeah, yeah. It's what you get specific, then it gets bad. Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah. Caring about other people's plight is exhausting. But do I need to specify, like, if I say, like, oh, like, we're talking about, you know, something happened and do it, like, let's say, okay, for example, like, something crazy happens to a black person. And I'm like, oh, I don't care.

But do I need to be like, oh, but by the way, I wouldn't care if it was a brown person or a woman or a Jew or a white person. That's a hilarious thing to say to the George Floyd murder. You're like, I don't care. But also, I wouldn't care if he was Asian also. It doesn't sound better. It just sounds bad all around. Right, but I'm not like discriminating my hatred based on a specific group. You're just like, I also wouldn't care if he's Jewish.

Yeah, like, I just don't really. Care when people die? No, I just don't care. I don't really care about stuff just in general. So it's like. Yeah, it sounds bad for sure. It sounds horrible. It sounds really bad.

I get what you're saying. Is it less bad or do I need to like, so like, people will always talk about it when it happens to a specific, marginalized group of people, right? And so it'll switch from group to group, depending on the circumstance, right? And in no situation do I care. So

when it's happening to a specific group in a specific instance, do I need to also mention that it doesn't matter to me which group it is? So I think... One second. That'd be a crazy place. All right.

We got 53 minutes in. I think it just died. Yeah, I tell the audience Every week I say that we're going to get a new camera We're going to figure it down And this has been months now This has been going on. You told us in advance that 53 minutes in That is also

Yeah, it's 45% to end it But I do want to... It's 45, but we did eight minutes Probably of non-recorded when that was on. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right, but I do want to finish this thought.

It's definitely worse Because you're not giving credence to the context. I think context does like always matter? I didn't understand what you said. You're going to need to explain it less smart. Fucking bitch. I also like that you're saying, I don't care about anything. Is that bad? It's like, of course, it's bad. Well, no, but like, I'm saying, is it bad?

You're not particularly bad just because you don't, if you don't care about everything in general. Right. I'm not like, oh, I don't care about Asian people. I'm like, I don't care about anyone. Right. Mm-hmm. You know what? I would actually say, is it worse to be racist in a not caring way, or is it worse to hate? everybody I would actually argue that it's worse to hate everybody because now you're technically kind of racist against everybody but you're I am I am I am I am because everybody likes to say that like what is it dirty Harry they're like oh he hates them

all he's not racist he hates every group people's like well he still is racist it's like it's technically not racist but this why we need more words because if you're a hateful I'm racist but I'm not discriminatory you just don't care about anybody I don't know if it's morally wrong to not care about a specific group or not care about anybody because it's like you're mistreating everybody by not caring. I'm not misdreating more people. But you're not specific about who you're mistreating.

Mm-hmm. But like, wouldn't you feel like a little more off put if I was like, I don't care about Asian people? Yes. Then if you said... Then I'm like, I don't really care about anything. But then if I was like, oh, I don't care about Asian people. But you'd be like, that's a little bit weirder.

Yeah. But here's where I think it's... This is like the analogy I'll use. is it's kind of like saying like someone died. We all know it's bad when someone dies. Whether you care or not, it's like, oh, bad thing. Someone died. Is it sadder?

Do you care more if a grandpa dies or if like a six-year-old dies? You know, like is one sadder than the other to you? Yes. Are you just saying that? No, a six-year-old dying is sadder. Right. So on the race thing, not a perfect analogy, but it's kind of the same thing in like a George Floyd situation

where it's like, oh. Oh, it's more sad that a black person died. It's more sad that a black person was killed by the cops because of like the context. Like if a six year old dies, it's sad because of like the potential that kid had. They missed out on so much experience. Now the family has to deal with it. That's the context of a six year old dying. The context of a, not a black man dying, the concept of a black man getting killed by a cop.

Yeah. Is sadder because it's like, holy shit. Racism is crazy. America's on some bullshit. When it comes to like incarceration, and how police treat black men, even compared to apartheid, which is, everyone says, like, the worst, like,

systemic racism of all the time, we, I think, incarcerate black men at a rate that's, like, something like 70 times more than what it was, like, in apartheid South Africa. Yeah. So it's, like, all that shit, like, that's just, like, the tip of the spear. Okay, so.

Yeah, that's, I can I say that real quick? Yeah. This is interesting, because during COVID, everybody would make the argument. They go, okay, well, you know, this percentage of black people gets killed by the police, But this percentage of fact we will die of COVID.

So why are we focusing on this and not that? But it's not necessarily just a numbers thing. It's A, the fact that this is happening in this context of every You know what I mean? It's like, it's like if a guy murders his wife, you go, oh, who cares? Everybody murders their wife.

But if the president murder, you know what I mean? It's like there's certain things that like now this matters because it says more about society than the numbers. So like the numbers might say one thing. We go, okay, more people die of car accidents than let's, let's say. say school shootings. People like to say, okay, well, you know, and I'm sure I've made some argument like this before. But you go, no, but this is the problem is that although more kids

might die in car accidents, the whole point is the fact that somebody can go into a school and murder kids says more about society than people accidentally got killing people. Right. So it's more like humanity. Right. What do we want humanity to be? Yeah, the virus is killing people. It's a fucking virus. Why are we judging it by human standards? It's doing what viruses do. Yeah, yeah. But humans should be fucking better than that. Yeah, yeah. And to go into it rationalizing immediately and being like, eh, we shouldn't care about this. What does that say about you?

Right. Right. Okay. Okay. So I want to clarify. So let's say for example, let's go back to George Floyd example. I cared in the sense that I was like, yes, this is a horrible thing that happened. And I wish that it wouldn't happen and that it would stop happening and that it never happened.

But I was also like, what can I do? I can't really like do that much like I like don't care in the sense that like again like this this actually sounds really bad but like my daily life is kind of the same because I'm not like a black guy but also like when like like the Muslim ban or whatever was happening and people were like unable to like come here you also didn't care yes I also didn't care can I say this I think that there is a balance with this I think there's ways you could do positive things and I don't think your morality should just be based on how you respond to negative information Because it's very easy people to go on Facebook and go, oh my God, this middle school got shot up.

You guys don't care about it. Now I'm a good person because I'm like, no, well, being an emotionally mature adult means you take horrible information and you adjust to reality. So just because something affected you more emotionally doesn't necessarily mean you're a moral person. Doesn't mean you're necessarily not a moral person if you emotionally weren't. Because you could say morally, if I have to vote in a way that would fix this problem, then I will. if I could do things that could have fixed a problem, then I will. But on an emotional level, I'm not going to have a... Like, be devastated by me.

Right. Right. My thing is, like, I would, like, I don't know. It's just like, it's not that I, like, don't care, like, in my brain. It's that, like, I don't feel like I can, like do that much. And, like, I'm too lazy to, like... Because, dude, like, if I, like, really... Like, my thing is, like, if I care about something, so, like, literally, like, the two things are,

like, comedy and tennis. Like I will actively like go do things to be better at that. If I cared like my definition of caring about something is like you have to legit go and do something. So it's like for like George Floyd or whatever, it'd be like I should be like spending a ton of time like doing something. Like I don't know what we could do. Like I don't know if it's like, okay, I should be like you know what I'm saying? I've had this thought a lot. Like at a certain point, I have two bits I want to.

make one doesn't matter too is like just the idea of caring is so fascinating because like I think people think they're a better moral person if they care in the way that like it affects them emotionally yes like in this case like you're we'll say you're a white woman because that's what the fuck is in my head George Floyd dies and like you cry about it and then you post about it like now you care and then you're comparing yourself to a Humza who's like this is fucked up I'm gonna go play tennis and you're like like, well, I'm better than you because, like, I cried. We know that you're more emotional than I am.

But it might know that you're more, but like it, what has either of us accomplished? What is either of us done? Exactly. And like, for me, the question comes down to like, how much does caring accomplish if there's no action behind it? Yeah, that's a great question. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's a great point. Because it doesn't really.

It's like, it's important because when you have to make decisions, you want to be making moral decisions. Right. logic should play in, but also moral should play in. But I think on the other side of that, morality should be more about your decisions and not moral. You could have all the best morals in the world back. Everybody should live wonderfully. But if morally, it's what decisions are you making morally? Exactly.

Are you doing this? Right. So, yeah. Because, like, my thing is like, you just justified your point. Right. I'm like action speak louder than words, right? Like, I am that type of person. So that's why when I'm like with my friends or whatever, like, I love, like, trashing.

Like I love I love being like oh you're gay like you're dumb you all this like all that stupid stuff But then when it comes down to it like I will like treat them with respect or like if they need something from me I'm there Like if you like you needed help moving I would be like yeah I'll help you move but that means like when you're doing the moving I'm gonna be trashing you know what I'm saying So it's like for me it's like you can say like oh I care about this like I posted my black square I can't believe that police brutality like sucks or whatever but then it's like you're like saying that but then you're not doing anything. So it's like, do you really care? And so my definition of caring

is like doing something about it. It's kind of like people's definition of like love, especially like in a marriage. They talk about like love is a choice. Like you wake up every day and you decide, all right, I'm gonna love this person today. I feel like it's the same thing with caring because like for the most part,

you don't have control over your emotions. Yeah. Some shit happens. You react, how you react. And like you can kind of cap them or you can kind of let them go. But like, you're just going to respond how you respond.

People go to the movies. Some people cry, some people laugh. That's what it is. So I don't think you get as much credit as a lot of people think you could get for like responding emotionally to something. But you sure as shit can control your actions. Yeah. That's completely up to you.

It's like, oh, George Floyd got killed. That's a terrible thing. I'm going to walk out my door, put on my shoes, and go protest. Right. At the end of the day, though, like, so, okay, this isn't to pat myself on the back or anything. I went to one. Like, I went to the one in Grand Rapids when it was happening. But it was like...

This is very weird to hear after you said you don't care. You really need to flush out what you meant by don't care. Right. Because you just spent all this time saying it's based off action how much you care. I care about two things, comedy and tennis. And I put action behind those. And now you're just like, also I did put action behind the George Floyd. Right.

But at the same time, it's like I never, those protests didn't do anything. I don't think systemically. Uh-huh. I disagree. So I was kind of, there is a party of your brain where you go, okay, well, what did this accomplish? I think there is some level

of now people are speaking about the issue and then I think it affected you may, people may not, so I don't believe in mob justice at all. I do not think people's response should have affected the trial of

Derek Chauvin. But I think that the awareness of everything could motivate people in a moral way to prosecute. So I don't think people should have said because everybody's protesting we got to put this guy in jail.

Because that's morally immoral because you go okay the consequences for me will be bad if we don't punish this man. But if you go, okay, well now I've thought about this issue and I realize all this stuff now I know about this trial. Yeah, but like I think we're allowed to protest because the people in power know that it won't do anything

because they're not going to do anything. Yeah, but it's, okay, I do agree with like I think that now police might think differently about mistreating black people, which is progress in a way. I think they're scared. I think they would be more scared than like... I think at the scale, the protests happened, they did a lot. I don't know what they did in terms of, like, policy and whatnot. Right. But like, when you see a whole bunch of... Because again, kind of going back to the beginning of our conversation, like, Hitler was able to get a whole country

to kill a whole bunch of Jews and do a horrible thing. Yeah. And over here in a lot of places, we're not able to just treat everyone like humans and be better. Like it's not something we can do. But something like this happens. And then you get a whole bunch of strangers that don't know each other agree, which is not something we're used to doing. On a global scale, like, this is fucked up. And this has been fucked up.

And it's not just black people doing it. And then people are forced to pay attention to be like, damn, all these people seem to agree that this is fucked up. Right. But are the people who weren't there or who didn't, who didn't think that it was messed up? Like, I don't, and again, like, I don't know. Do you feel like it changed people's minds?

Well, this is where it comes to, like, what you were saying with the whole Hitler thing. And, like, it wasn't that he got a whole country to, like, actually actively, like, kill these people. Right. But he got enough people to agree to action and enough people didn't give a shit. Right. So to me, it affects the people that don't give a shit. You're not going to get the people that already had their minds made up one way or the other. That's where they're at.

They're on the margins. and that's not going to change. But all the people that were in the middle and thought it was okay to be in the middle, all the people that were in the middle and just weren't thinking about this, like literally didn't cross their minds. Now they're forced to think of it.

And most people, I believe, think of themselves as good people. And morals are such a weird thing to navigate because everyone's are different, but where most people agree is on life and death. And most people agree, you shouldn't be killed for no reason, certainly not for passing off a $20 fake bill. Yeah, that was also the funny argument, too,

as people were like, well, he's also done all these criminal things. Like, well, it's also, he's not an executioner. He's a police officer. You know what? It's like, it's like, it's not Judge Dread. We're not like, you could, you know what I mean? It's like, no matter what his past was. Yeah.

It's like, and now it's like, that doesn't, you still can't murder people as a police officer. It's like, that's not your job. And also nothing that he did, like, justified dying regardless of like. Exactly. He's like, oh, counterfeit bill was like, people were like, oh, he was like a recovering drug addict or whatever. It's like none of those things, even together. like, make it too.

Even if he killed somebody like, I don't know, even if he was, you know what I mean? It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like,

your job is to, it's like, it's like there's shooters that were in high schools and then they took those shooters and you know what I mean? It's like, what is it?

The Parkland shooter. It's like, that guy is in jail. They didn't murder him. It's like if that guy's not getting murdered then the counter, you know what I mean? It's like,

that's the most dangerous guy. He has a gun in a school. And they're still like, no, we got to capture this guy and bring him to jail and then figure all this out. But we are running out of time, sorry. I'm just too dumb to understand the whole thing.

So it's like I don't know how much is getting changed because I'm living in my own little world. Well, that's the thing is like, I don't think it's about being dumb or smart. It's really just about like, we can only pay attention to so much. Right. And we can only change the things that we pay attention to.

And this, like, brought it to the forefront with the protests in a way that I think is positive because most people, I think, want to be good people. And I think most people define themselves less for like, here's who I am and more about like, here's who I'm not. And so all the people in the middle could say like,

I don't really know who I am, but I do know I'm not okay with a cop kneeling on a black man's neck and killing him. And so now all the people in the middle can say like, I agree, I'm not that person that thinks that's cool. Yeah. And now those people can like have a building block. I do totally agree with you.

that government lets people protest so we don't like full-scale revolt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think protests at a certain scale can change things. And I also think, you know, it's been, what, four or five hundred years of treating black people like shit in this example? Way longer than that, bro. So, but I'm saying- I'm saying-in-Americans. I'm saying in America.

Yeah. And so, like, it's not going to change in, like, five years, you know what I'm saying? Like, the change is going to be, like, very iterative. Yeah, it is easy to be. like, oh, what, we did this protest, and the whole entire world hasn't changed. It's like, well, it's probably why wouldn't it? Yeah, that's true. That's true. Yeah, you shooting BB guns at an elephant.

Yeah. We do, I hate to wrap it up, but we got to wrap it up. What do you guys want to promote? Come see my shows. Raw dogging. Raw dogging, okay. Yeah. Come see my shows, but I don't post about them, so you just have to show up to a bunch of shows, and then if I'm there, then you'll see how I'm saying. Do I have anything?

Instagram, stuff like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, follow me on Instagram. I'm looking at the camera that's not on. Follow me on Instagram at Ryan Thomas Comedy. Yeah. Follow me on Twitter at Palubi. All right. And also what happened with this is the camera actually overheated. Overheated. That's what it said. Yeah. All right. Well, sorry. And I fucking promise you guys, I'm going to get a better camera. I'm working on it right now. Your promises are hollow. Yeah, I don't believe you.