Morning Good - I Saved Your Life, I Earned This - Episode 53

Episode Date: November 28, 2021

Thanks to Paddy for coming on the show, check him out on Alan Fitzgerald's Fuck City USA as well as on social media to hear more from him. He's on IG @paddy_is_funky and Twitter @paddydefino.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. All right. We're here with the Mike and Patty show in the morning. Where you? Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, B' B' B' B' B' B' B' B' B'i. Um, yeah, I'm here with Patty Daffino. Hey.

I normally do three guests so that if there's any sexual harassment claims, the other one can defend me. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you have four people? No, no, no, no, no. You mean like three counting yourself? Three counting myself. I'm glad you count yourself as a guest.

Yeah, I'm a guest. We're all God's guests. Exactly. On this green earth. Yeah. No, I was the non-visual podcasts. I like so much more. Oh, yeah.

Because you just, you have to use your imagination kind of. Yeah. If people are doing bits, it's like, you know, if it's like visual and they're not really like going in. Also, then you have to like worry about like, am I sitting correctly? Oh, dude, I constantly look at the camera. Yeah, you have to face like a certain direction. This is like much more comfortable. Yeah, yeah. So this is the way to do it. If your audience is complaining, dude, let them know. Let them know. Let me tell you what's up. Yeah. Put all the blame on me. That's fine.

Yeah. I mean, you've been on this up. This is the first time being on. So you can be a sacrifice. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. I never, this is, you know, I can go out of a ball of fire and, and Yeah, that's how if you, whenever in the last comic In the lineup, I love it, because I'm like, I could just tank This show completely. Have you ever walked a room? No, I've had, so I'll do these midnight to the parent, and I'll tell people to sit the fuck down, because

Like, they'll get up before I get on stage, and I'm like, get the fuck back here. Like, I'm begging you. Because it'll be like, there's like six people in the room, and then like four people, and it'll be like 10 people and four people leave. I don't want to perform for six people, so be able to get the fuck back. I will shame them into sitting down. And then if you bomb, it sucks. But if you kill, you're like, thank you.

Now you can leave for the next guy. They fucked that guy. That's the fun part about barking, too, is, like, bringing the people in. Except when you bombed, though, that's the worst. Dude, they had a horrible show, and then, like, you have to, like, stand at the door of the comedy club as they all leave. And they're like, that was awful. Yeah. And then you're like, I made you pay for it.

And then I made you sit through my disgusting jokes. Yeah. The first time I bombed at the pair, let me just preface it by saying that, I sold, like, a ticket to this, to this trans girl. And I didn't even realize it because, like, I knew she was trans. Yeah. Like, I didn't think about my set at all. Was it just all trans stuff? No, no.

I can only, you know, I can only sneak a few jokes out of it. But it was like the joke I did, it wasn't even that bad, but like, it was just like, I'm transphobic because like I watched a movie where like a man transitioned into a werewolf or whatever and that scared me. Yeah, that's funny. That's funny. That's funny. I like that joke.

Yeah. But I was eating shit the entire time. And I was like, I just got to go to a joke like that I have and like, whatever. And like, was that the whole joke. joke though? Were you like, yeah, because they're all monsters. No, it was a lot more like tiptoe than that. Yeah, yeah. Well, even that's pretty sensitive.

Like, not that bad. Yeah, I'm saying not sensitive, but that's not that bad. Like, you're being, like, no, no, no, no. But I did refer to, like, there was a trans woman that was, like, hitting on me. And I said it looked like my dad with a wig. Oh, yeah, yeah. So that can get a little more. Yeah, I can see why that would be.

Yeah. Oh, Harry because we're a were. Oh, there you go. Yeah. Yeah. But it's one of those things where, like, you're doing, like I don't know if you ever like when you're looking around like doing the joke and then like you land the punchline like at someone. Oh yeah yeah yeah. And it was like I didn't even, I wasn't even looking and I just like landed it right in her lap right in her medically altered lap. I just felt so bad about it because like if I had been doing well I would have been like fuck it but I was eating my ass. I was bombing with a similar thing and like I was looking for like a dude. I was like fellas like my. Like my. I was like fellas like my. Like one of those where I was like pointing to a guy in the audience and it was all lesbians.

And like they all, I thought I got faked out like four times. Yeah. I thought it was a dude. I thought it was like, what about you? And I was like looking. I was like, oh, fuck. There was like, I'm not even kidding. There was like 10 lesbians like spread out and no guys.

Yeah. So like all of them had the short haircuts. And I just like, I pointed to like, I was like, sir. Sir. No, fuck. It was like the worst shit ever. It was a motor cycle rally there. Yeah.

But they, yeah, it's, it's weird because like you want to do crowd work now. And like, I, obviously, we don't. don't know what it would have been like 20 years ago. But it had to have been like a lot more cut and dry. Oh, yeah. Or like, okay, there's a couple here. Like, you can make so many assumptions that today you cannot. Oh, no, no.

You can't make those assumptions. Yeah. There's like unicorns that'll come to show like a couple and they'll bring like their, because you'd be like, oh, is this the third one who's banging you guys? And they're like, yes, that's what we're doing. What is that? Unicorn? Yeah, I think, what is that.

I had a girl hit on me a couple weeks ago. It was like two. It was like a couple and then like a chick. And the chick was supposed to fuck the couple. Yeah. And that's like the unicorn, I think is the third person or something. Oh, okay. That's interesting.

There's, like, I don't know if that's just New York that has like... Dude, I can't tell if that's a future. I know. So many of those, like, weird couple things. Yeah, because I feel like New York has been doing this for years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what everyone says. You're like, you're going to move to New York.

You're going to be gay. Yeah, whatever. Fuck, you know, a dog. I don't know. Everything across the sun you're going to do because you're in New York City. And I haven't had, like, I don't know, we're comics. So we don't really get those opportunities. is very much, at least now.

Yeah. Like, we're mostly just bouncing around to, like, open mics and just talking to other. Oh, yeah. I can't even, yeah. I mean, I'm in a relationship, but I couldn't imagine, like, trying to get laid, like, on top of doing comedy. Oh, my God. Yeah.

No, going on dating. Oh, dude, terrible. That's just all they talk about. Yeah. So dating. Yeah. And you don't want to put that you're a comic in your thing because then they're like, oh, let me come see you.

And you're like, fuck that. Yeah. Sounds horrible. But I got kicked off a hinge. For what? I don't know exactly what it is. because like they're so it's the world we live in today you're like why can i take chinese off of my preferences yeah yeah it's like if you can you can choose you know what race and jenn and whatever

it's like the the eugenics of dating apps is hinge like with your preferences and everything but like i got kicked off you could rate them like one through 10 like race wise you can you can you can't you can't rate but you can choose like your preferences in race in uh religion in almost to the point where like you'll get like three or four matches in the city because it's like I want this perfect person. But like I never, you have to pay. You have to pay to get that anyway. So it's like it's totally not worth it.

But I got kicked off. I got like an email that was like, hey, you've been banned from Hinge. If you want to submit an appeal, you can do it once. So I submitted it. I was like, hey, like what did I get banned for? Like I'm totally accepting the fact that I got banned. I just want to know what it is so I don't do it again, you know, and they never got back to me. But I think what it was was there was a girl sitting on like a ski ball table, which is like, all right, don't sit there because people are trying to play ski ball.

They think you're hot shit. But she was like leaning back and like pressing her tits together. And me, a boob guy, like a certified boob guy. Certified. I saw that. He's a certified boob guy. Yeah. And, like, you know, like, when you, like, you're out of the game now, but, like, when you, women like you to take a chance, say something funny, whatever, like, even, like, poke fun at them a little bit. I already know you're talking about her tits, but it's funny to set up.

You're trying to defend yourself hard. You're like, listen. Men and women, they talk, they go back and forth, and sometimes you mention. The biology of humans. Yeah. But anyway, she was sitting there tits out, and I was like, oh, how many points if I landed between those two bad boys? Like, that was it. That was the end of that.

Was she matched with you? No, didn't match. It was just like a... Oh, Hinge, you can't match to people? So Hinge, like, what it is, is they give prompts. Because it makes it more okay if she matched to you said you're cute and then you hit on her. I know.

But I was just shooting... It's kind of borderline harassment, but I don't know. It's weird. It's weird. I don't know. I think if you sign up for a dating app, though, you're signing up to be harassed digitally. Because, like, that's the world we live in. Oh, by the way, like, how old are you?

24? You're 24. Yeah. Okay. I'm 27. And so like when I was getting into high school, like eighth, ninth grade, cyberbullying was like really hitting its stride. Yeah. But it was one of those really funny scenarios where none of the adults could understand what it was.

Because it's it made no sense to them. Yeah. Like what you email? And we're like, no, it's like, it's on social media and that kind of thing. Like so like they would do assemblies for cyber. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

But it would be like this fired up like butcher woman like who clearly. had her life ruined by like some 12 year old on Reddit or whatever and they'd like play a video and it'd be like cyberbullying and like a fist would fly out of the computer it was just like they totally had no idea what it was

we made some joke about that because we were talking about cyberbullying we're like we're worried about anal bullying which wasn't even a thing I don't know why we just thought of like anal bullying somebody puts a note in your ass it's like nice ass faggot or something like that it doesn't even rhyme with cyber but I don't know idea where the joke anal bullying came from

Yeah. That's a joke of like people going into your ass and like leaving me notes in there. Yeah. We are trending toward a more ass-driven world. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know this.

They didn't even have like rectal examinations 50, 60 years ago. No, that was gay back then. Yeah. It was still gay, but it's okay. Yeah. If you got colon cancer, you were gay. Yeah. That was like, that was like, you got a double diagnosis.

Yeah. That's funny. It's so funny, though, because like, I was, uh, I want to get the cyber bullying thing to say, but I was trying to justify, like, why gay sex is just funny. You're like, man on man. I don't necessarily know if it's homophobic, maybe it is, but I think sex is funny. Yes. And butts are funny.

Yes. So butt sex, by proxy. Yeah. Men having sex is funny. Men having sex is funny. Women is funny. It's hilarious because it's not. And like, yeah, I know what you're saying.

It's an interesting thing. Gay sex is not funny. Heterosexual or no, man on man gay sex is funny. Yes. Women on women, it's just hot. Yeah, it's not funny at all. No. So it's like it's, I don't know what I mean?

It's like a. Yeah. But no, I think about that. Because gay sex is just inherently funny. And I think it's just because it's like, it's just, it's not that it's wrong, but it's just, it's not like supposed to happen. Like, you're not, you're not having a, because the object of sex is technically to have a child. I get what you say in theory.

Yeah. Like, yeah, biological theory. Now we're so much smarter and more developed that, like, we don't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, if, like, back in the day, like, there's, I know why, like, people were so upset about it. It would be like, it's like if somebody put something. on their head that you're like, that's not what you're supposed to do. Like in theory, that's like, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Dude, I have the same thoughts all the time. Articulating them, though, that's the, that's the third part. I'm not saying they're not supposed to, but we're just saying, like, yeah, that was not the original, yeah. Because, I mean, to be fair, we're supposed to be throwing spears and, like, raping people. I mean, that's what, biology, like, but it's like we've advanced past that. I know. Gay sex is more advanced than straight sex.

It is, yeah. It doesn't create babies, which we have too many of them. Yeah, it's why we're so sad, like, we're such a sad. generation now because we've gotten too smart we have too much shit yeah you know but uh no gay sex is very funny uh i've always tried to figure it out why and i think it's like even me fucking my girlfriend's funny because i'm like kind of fat and i'm like dad is funny so like two of me like me like me fucking another fat me is funny right you know what i mean it's like yeah because like if you watch sex noises are funny and so like that double that amount like you know what two's is funny

yes are you vocal like are you a vocal sex goer yeah More enough jerking off. When I have sex... Really? I think jerking off is underrated. I think it's the most underrated. Oh my God. Because when you have sex as somebody,

you still jerk off at the end. That's still one of the best parts. Is when you are on your own hand and going to like... Yeah. I'm like in the ballpark because like once you get out of like the 17 year old thing, vaginas are very hard to make you come. It's tough. See, I'm in the opposite.

Oh, really? I don't want to come inside of a vagina. Uh-huh. Even on like birth control, it's like I don't trust it. Yeah. I'm very... I used to wear a condom and have sex. and still pull out.

Wow. I have a friend who still does that. Yeah, but it's because I think I'm just going to have this great career. Like, it's all self-absorbed reasoning. I'm like, I can't let this get ruined by a kid. Exactly. Also, I feel like once you have a kid,

you realize that none of this matters, like everything we're doing. Oh, yeah. It's like, I don't want to have that. Yeah, we always think somebody's like a loser because they have like a kid too early, but like they really realize just other shit's stupid.

Yeah. And I think their life gets all this meaning that like we search for on stage and everything. Oh, 100%. It's probably the answer to all of our. prayers and everything, but like, I don't know, realistically, financially, it's, you can't live in the city. I do make no like, when I jerk off, I literally make this noise. I'm like, I fucking love this. Like, I will say that out loud. While you're jerking on. Yeah, yeah. I cried like twice. Like, like, I don't know what it,

like an emotional, like a sadness. Yeah, yeah. I love coming. I jerk off probably two or three times a day. Dude, I've been doing two a day since the pandemic. Yeah. Because you're just stuck at home all the time. Yeah. And two a day, like, you know, I partially do it to escape my own. thoughts. Like 100%. I don't want to think about my friend that just died. Let me jerk off.

Just that moment. It's the same thing with like eating. I overeat. Oh, dude. 100%. Same thing. Drinking. Like any kind of thing,

any kind of substance where you just feel better for a moment. I just dive head first. Dude, 100%. Me too. Like what I would do is I can't fall asleep to, I have to watch something while I'm going to sleep because I don't like my own thoughts.

Like my own thoughts will keep me up more than like me watching like an action movie. Do you get good like comedy ideas right before you fall asleep? Kind of. Yeah, yeah. It's a great point. That's kind of

when they start coming, yeah. I notice, like, that's where I get, like, most of my jokes. And, like,

just horrible thoughts. Just like, yeah. You're gonna be fucking nothing. And then just, you know, really. Yeah, it is. I can't put TV on to fall asleep or anything.

I've been taking melatonin, though. Oh, I take, I take, I take three before going on stage because I do the midnight shows. And then by the time. Yeah,

because when I get home, I fall asleep. Oh, my, oh, so like, it kicks in? early? No. One time I had an audition, I took a bunch of cough medicine go to sleep, and then I had an audition at like the old creek in the cave. And then they were like, because I took it because they were like, okay, no more. The audition was supposed to end at midnight. They're doing no more. So at like 1140, I was like, I guess I'm not going to be. And they're like, wait, they're extending the audition. And then I was like two hours later, I was kind of like half on cough medicine. Yeah, didn't. You just have like chains. You just look like a little way in. Yeah. I remember one time I took cough medicine. This was like when I first started comedy.

and I took it before like going to this girl's like birthday party and it was like in the middle of the day. Because I was like, I need something to write about. So let me just take a bunch of coffee medicine. That would be so many of you made it and that was like your thing. You're like actually I get really fucked up on cough medicine and it's all you most of my writing. Yeah. Yeah. They say rappers and comics have a lot in common.

Yeah. Really, we live totally different lifestyles. I don't know if you've noticed. I don't have a gun. But anyway, like I took it and it was just like the most unpleasant experience. You get all itchy. You get itchy. You're like fighting this thing.

Which kind did you take? There's two types of cobblades you get high on. There's coding. But then there's over the counter, which has DXM, which is like a slightly hallucinogenic. If you take enough of it, you get, yeah, DXM dude, I took like, I think it was like 19 Musenex alter strength or something like that. It's some crazy. I think it was nine, but it equaled like 18 when you double them.

Dude, I got it. First off, it's weird because it kicks in in like two hours. Like, you're like, oh, I don't feel anything. I remember I went to the country club and then my skin started getting all red and I was like going nuts. Like literally, I was seeing doubles. I was so fucked up. Wow. Yeah, there was a thunderstorm. We took the paddleboards out on the lake and they had to come out and get us. And I remember that

threw me in like a boat. And I was like, why is you all red and like itchy? And I'm like, I took a bunch of cough medicine. I have a gold. And then I remember I just got like a milkshake and like one of the lifeguards put like a towel over me. I don't think I got raped. But I wouldn't know. To be fair, I would have no idea. Honestly, best like person to get raped by

is a lifeguard. Between a police officer fireman lifeguard. They got the body, you know, to back it up, so that's not too bad. He's like, I saved your life. I earned this. What country club? Just won in Orlando, yeah.

Oh, okay. I'm from Florida. Yeah, yeah. I would just go, like, we just do drugs and go to the country club as a kid. Oh, wow. It was kind of an awesome play. It would be awesome,

and then one of your parents' friends would show up and be like, hey, how's it going? You're like, what? That'd be terrifying. Yeah, I remember one time I took, I took shrooms, and I didn't realize because I switched from, like, there's some weird thing where I,

I didn't realize ViVance's last, like 14 hours and I took shrooms after taking Vivance at school and so I was like having this really like wild mushroom trip at the country club one time. Yeah. I remember I ordered a pizza and had like Benjamin Franklin's face on it and I was like I can't eat this. Dude, you're like a lab brat. You got so much shit flying through it. Oh yeah. Yeah. Did you play golf? I've done it on Whippets. How many substances have we gone? Oh my God. Oh my God. Dude, that was just my child, just doing, my teenage show, I guess,

just doing weird drugs. Yeah. No, I took golf lessons, but I would be like, I don't know, I just, I hated it. But, like, I remember one time I went golfing with my friends, and I didn't want to drink, but whip it's only last, like, a minute. Yeah.

So I would just do a bunch on the golf course. And I remember, like, just rolling on, like, the putting green. Like, just, like, rolling on the ground, like, in the grass. And I could, like, see, my eyes are open. In the distance, there's just, like, other golfers, like, waiting for us. And they're just seeing me, like, oh, man, golf is awesome.

Yeah. He's having a rough day out there. That's, dude, I love golf. I love it. I don't play it nearly enough, but like, I, that's like the only sport I watch anymore. Yeah. I need, like, a new hobby because it's like, you get kind of comedied out when you're just constantly doing like stuff. And I'm like, I need something else to like fulfill me.

You need something to write about too. Yeah, 100%. That's why, like, I don't like to, like, I don't know, talk shit about anyone who does like four or five open mics every single day. and like whatever, whatever your process is, that's your thing. It doesn't work for everybody. It doesn't work for me. It worked for me the first, like, a couple years of comedy because it's just about, like, really getting on stage a lot.

Yeah. But then after a while, you're like, all right, I'm not totally comfortable on stage, but I'm more comfortable on stage. Yeah. And so it's like, now I really need to focus on writing. And some of that comes with, like, life. Yeah.

And it's all to do shit. Like, you need to go bowling. Yeah. Like, if people ask you to do something crazy and it's going to suck or whatever, you just have to do it. Yeah. Because you're kind of

get a joke out of it. Yeah, my thing too is I'm like, yeah, you got to work hard at comedy, but also if you don't make it, it's so much more sad if you only did comedy.

Yeah. It's like, I devote it. It's like, yeah, obviously I devote all my nights to comedy. But like,

also, in fairness, at night on a Monday, I wouldn't be doing anything else. Yeah, yeah. The fact I'm doing comedy, I'm like, oh, I'm doing stuff. And then on weekends,

I'll try to go out or like here and there, I'm trying to do it more where I'd go out or do stuff during the day. It's like just different, go to museum or something. Which is kind of the hard part about New York. I don't know.

There is a lot to do, but there's also not. There's a lot to do if you have money. Yeah. It's like as soon as you leave the apartment. I notice this as soon as I moved here. The second you leave the door, there's just like a running clock. Like your money just starts to go down. Every little thing.

Either you go on the subway, like get something to eat, whatever. Give a homeless guy a dollar. A dollar. Yeah. Whatever blow job under the bridge. That kind of thing. It's just, it just starts to go. And you don't notice it.

You have to be so much more frugal. Oh, 100%. That money management, like, has really fucking kicked my ass. Yeah, no, it's nuts here. I mean, yeah, I make enough money barking, which is good. But I'm also about to get a new day job, which I'm excited about. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

It's just like data entry. Are you going to try to keep it on the low, on the down low? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, because I, yeah, I don't get unemployment or anything, so. Yeah. No, that's just crazy that you're like the only. guy I know who's lost a job due to a podcast. It's just so wild to me.

That's good, though. That's like, I mean, it's not good. Yeah, but it's like, at least people are aware of what you're doing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also a great story, you know, like, if you get to a point someday where you don't have to worry about shit and, like, you, I don't know, you have like a successful podcast or something. It would be so funny, though, if I didn't stick with comedy and I'm like, that was fucking stupid to me.

Yeah. I've also accepted the idea. It's like, dude, I like, dude, I like telling fucked up jokes, but part of me is like, oh, maybe one day I'll be a clean comic. I'm like, I'll just have to live with the fact that that's what it is. Yeah. It's like, yeah. But that's just the problem.

You know what I mean? It's like whatever. Do you feel like you're in too deep to quit? Comedy? Yeah. No. Because I think that's what like, I don't know. I think that will make you hate it more.

If you think you can't leave, it's like kind of like relationship. Like there are, if there's been moments in my relationship where I'm like, oh, I feel like I can't leave. And it makes you like enjoy the relationship less than if you're like, oh, I have full freedom. I could leave this. Yeah. I choose not to. Very true. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. that hairpin kind of thing. But yeah, no, I recently, because, like, I had, I don't know, like a month ago, I was, like, super depressed. And it was just one of those, like, I was just getting worse on stage. Like, I was just bumping. Like, everything I did, it was, like, so bad.

And I was like, what the fuck? And I, like, had to talk to it. I was like, I want to quit. Like, I hate, I'm hating myself. I'm hating this and that. Dude, I'll get those. I'll constantly, I'll have, like, three weeks where I don't enjoy comedy. Yeah.

Even if I'm doing well sometimes, sometimes I'll be doing well. And I'm like, yeah. It was fucking meaningless. Like I was, what I was up? I was not to be bragged about it. I was killing. And I was like, if you guys can know how meaningless this feels to me right now. I was like, you know that your laughs are pointless to me right now because of how I feel.

That's what Alan Fitzgerald said when he like first moved to New York. He was like, I would like go into a room in Boston and just murder for 20 minutes and feel nothing. I was like, I don't know. I don't know how you can do that. Like I never got that. I mean, I've only like, I haven't really done a whole. a lot of, like, shows and stuff. Well, that's what it is, too.

When you're just doing open mics, you fucking hate it. You hate it. Yeah. Dude, what is this? Exactly. So, like, the other night at Pure Fruit, I hosted, and I did well, and it was, like, such a, it was, like, taking, like, a B-12 shot. Like, I felt, like, reinvigorated and, like, the whole thing. But, like, yeah, you need to, like, space those things out to just feel.

100%. Yeah. But I think that also comes with, like, doing new jokes on stage. Because, like, if you're doing the same jokes and going up at the same place, that's kind of where you get that routine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. something different. And then you're like, oh, shit, this is fun. Now I feel a little live, do a little crowd work. That's why these midnight shows are so fun because, like, dude, like, it'll be midnight and you got like five people sometimes. And I'm like, those are just some of my favorite experiences. Because it's like, sometimes you're just saying your jokes to a dark room and you're

getting a response. It feels very, like, transactional. Yeah. So you're not actually enjoying it. But when it's like five people, you're actually looking at these people's faces. Right. Especially if it's something that's, like, fresh and you're excited about. Yeah, yeah.

You're just talking to them. I love that. I love trying new stuff at shows, too. Because, like, mics can just fuck you over. Oh, of course. You ditch the bit forever. Yeah. And then, like, I'll tell someone about it after.

I was like, I had this joke. I liked it. And I tried it. And they're like, oh, what was it? And they're like, oh, that was funny. Do that again. I'm like, nobody liked it. Yeah.

Like, I can't get my, I don't have the courage to just do something that everyone just outwardly rejects in one moment in time. I had one time on stage recently that I did not care. And it was my favorite set of my whole entire life because my first joke bombed. And I immediately was like, you know what? This is fucking pointless. All of this is meaningless. I was like,

here are the rest of the jokes. And it was like amazing because I was like, I've very rarely ever felt that. Yeah. Where I'm like, because a lot of times, I've had it before.

I'm like, I don't even care what you guys think. Yeah. And then I'm like, deep down. I'm like, oh, dude, I want you.

I had that and I said that one time and I meet like two seconds later. I was like, that was a complete lie. I really want you guys to like me. But it was like, I remember the first joke just completely bombed.

And then I heard like one of my comic friends laughing in the back. And I was like, my friend's about to see me bomb, but I'm going to fuck it. Yeah. And it was just, and I brought, I got it back. And then it was just a good feeling. Yeah. Compared to, like, where you'd go out there and they're like, ha, huh, we love, you know.

Yeah, dude. The most fun thing about comedy is, like, killing is great. Killing feels great. But, like, there's also. Yeah. I've been told, you know. But, like, it's, like, a lot of it has to do with the room, like, how people set it up, like, whatever.

So, like, you can just, you're just sometimes just doing jokes that, like, don't kill. but you're killing because like the, but like that moment when like the crowd, like you're kind of walking the tight rope and you're teetering and you're fighting to get them back and then like you lose them a little and then you get those moments I love. Oh, 100%.

You feel so in the moment and it's like a challenge and yeah. It's like an exciting game. It's like I've never done boxing but like beating up a child is probably not that fun. No. Compared to, which would be like an easy audience and be like just fucking a kid up and you're like maybe it'd be fun the first time.

But you know what I mean? You're just like, like, when they laugh too easily, it is kind of like, you're like, yeah, what do you guys laugh at anything? Yeah. It feels good to know that there are people who will laugh at your stuff. Like it's like, oh, okay, I'm doing, I'm a comedian. Yeah, but it feels better to have like an honest, like, I get where you're saying the tugging hole. I like when people disagree. It's kind of nice because it's like, if anything, it makes your joke, you have to look at your jokes in a microscope and be like, why are they doing this?

Yeah. Like, why don't they like? Because I'm not setting it up right or whatever. I'm like too angry or mean about it. I have to kind of be a little more friendly with the crowd and stuff like that. So you definitely learn a lot more. But, uh, yeah,

no. And I've noticed like with bombing, like my bombs are not from the jokes being too fucked up. It's from me not like, committing. Yeah, me losing the confidence in it. Yeah.

I've had a lot of, oh my God, Jesus Christ. But then two seconds later, they'll laugh because they're like, if you bulldoze through it and you're like, this is what I'm doing. And they're like,

all right. Yeah. It's not like I have anything that fucked up, But it's crazy. Like, I have a joke about people to fuck animals, and people get really weirded out by it. I mean, I think it's so funny. It's hilarious.

Yeah. It's also like nobody, I don't even think anyone knows someone who fucks animals. So it's like, you have nothing to really, no basis or ground to be offended by it. Yeah, yeah. It's just such a, uh, a wild thing.

Yeah, it's like you were doing nothing to stop cows from being fucked before this. Yeah. Yeah. No part of you is donating to some fund where you stopped people from raided yeah. I mean, even if you're a vegan.

and people aren't killing cows. They're still fucking cows. Yeah, exactly. I had to, well, that's like part of the joke. It was originally a pedophile joke, but I changed him an animal sex joke where it's like, I would be friends with somebody who still fucks animals

because like the more time he spends with me, the more time he spends away from the sheep. So like, yeah. Like being friends with somebody you fuck animals is probably more than I'm doing right now to stop people from fucking animals. Dude, talk about going to the bar with a wing man, dude.

You don't got to worry about them stealing your woman at all. Yeah, no, he'll be fun. It's like some ugly broken horse-looking thing. He's like, I think I could pull this on. I can, you know, dude, I always thought, you know, talking, going back to gay sex. Yeah.

I always thought it would be funny to like, get your dick sucked by a guy. On a podcast. Yeah, with no video. But like, get your dick sucked by a guy and just like hold a Snapchat filter over their face. So like it looks like a chain. So you're like,

You're like technically It's not gay I was pretending That's called a New York You know heterosexual thing But no I

Such a funny thought Yeah Because dude It's like Those filters are so wild Oh yeah They make anybody look hot If you see like Chris

De Stefno go over As a woman You're like dude This guy fucking sexy Yeah That's so fucking funny I've been

So one thing that I do I always talk about I want to give people updates So I sell tickets on the street of McDougal Street. And there's this guy that always sets a barricade on McDougal Street. He'll just set up traffic barricade the police have. But the police have it set to the side.

And he'll just block traffic for hours. And he'll be like, close, completely closed, guys. Oh, just like some random guy. Nobody get through here. And he'll block traffic for like three hours. And sometimes you'll charge a toll for people to get through it. Dude, that's awesome. It's amazing.

That's like, it always, like, I always feel like such a shitty entrepreneur when I see homeless people and, like, what they do. do for money. Yeah. I'm like, they literally have the, the smartest ideas, and they work so hard.

Like, there's this kid on the L train who's like seven years old, and he's always walking around collecting money for his basketball team. We all know what that means. His dad's on crack, you know.

But his, like, the way he goes about it. And he, that would be funny to actually set up a meeting with, like, we're going to raise money for a basketball team. Yeah, let's just go ask people on the train.

Yeah. Nobody would actually be doing it that way. Yeah, but let's send our kid alone on the train to do it who looks like dirty. and needs like a bath. But he gives you... Yeah, let's not get like an online form

that would show that we're an actual organization. Right. Let's have some... Yeah, let's not even wear a jersey. Yeah, yeah. Let's wear like jeans and you know. Yeah, yeah. But the kid is like so young and he comes up to you

and he's like, he asks you so politely and like, I usually try to give money because it's a kid and like I feel bad. But they're on like, most of the time I don't have any cash. And to be fair, if he gets the money, his dad can go off and do crack. And the kid actually might have more time to go play basketball. That's true. So in a way, you are. I am helping his career.

Exactly. But then if I say, no, I don't have anything, the scowl I get from this kid is so insane. And I'm like, I feel like, I'm like, this kid might beat me up. And like, there's nothing I can do about it. Or like, what if he has like a shank or something? Like, even a seven-year-old with like, this is like the most racist thing. I feel like I'm going to say on this podcast.

Hey, I'm already thinking about when I was joking about having a white's only dating app. Like, I've been thinking about that the whole time for me. I'm like, should I clarify that I was joking? and I think you should date all races. Oh, dude, speaking of that, so I got kicked off a hinge. Yeah. Tinder is like, I only match with trans women. Yeah, only.

And that's like, it's, they just fool me, you know? And like, if I had, if I was confident enough in myself, I would send it. But like, the other app that I was on was a Latinos only dating app because I was, I got kicked off a hinge and I'm like, I need to, like, let me just try this out. Yeah. So, like, I just wrote, like, in my bio, I'm like, I'm a Mexican supremacist. Like, blah, blah, blah, like, all this stuff. It was just pictures of me, a white guy. Dude, I had like 11 matches.

That's so funny. Before someone, you know, put it together. That's so funny. Because, like, I don't know. I live in, like, a highly, you know, Latino, I don't know, minority-driven neighborhood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that's my type of chick, dude. Yeah, yeah.

You know, the white chicks. They're hot. The white chicks, I don't get along with them. Oh, is he that way? Yeah, he's on. He's a Latino girl. back will fuck anything that moves. Yeah.

Yeah, he's like predator. He just needs a fucking infrared thing. That's probably like universally. I feel like most people are attracted to Latinos. Yeah. I think it's because... Like I'm not gay, but like Latin men, you're like, it's just a stereotype. Yes.

They just like like a horse. Worthy and they have like the nice facial hair. Like everything, the lines on their, you know, everything's like cut. And then the nice haircut, whatever. They're also working jobs that are like legitimate. they have to do construction or something where they're using their body all day 100% cut. And women it's the same

way. A lot of them are nurses, which is the hottest thing. Like being at like the scrub you know, or or like they work in like just cleaning in some old man's asshole. Exactly. Getting his diapers clean. Yeah. There was this there was this girl. Bleeding blood off of blankets.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And come and yeah so they know how to like handle the business. But there was there was this girl who used to she was like a Latino girl who I went to high school with and I talked to her recently and she works in like a hospital. And I guess she's like known as the girl who does like the anal like the duching instead or whatever.

They have to like clean people's asses out. She's known for that. And she's known for that. Like that she's revered as the one who's like the best at doing this. And it's so funny because like she fucking hates it. But everyone else is like so scared to do it that they're like, oh, let's call up, you know, Cynthia. I don't think it's Cynthia if she's Latino.

Not Cynthia. She's also not Latino. I just made that up. Oh, okay. But I had to, you know, put a little English on it. Or Spanish. But, no, yeah. I, those type of girls, I like them. I've never been with a Latina girl, though. Only white girls, which is funny. And I think there's a... But there could be something because you look very white.

So people don't look... Somebody told, said you look like Kyle Rittenhouse the other night. Yeah, yeah. A lot of people have... A lot of people have said that. And, dude, it's been great for my act. I'll tell you that. Bad for myself is deep. I, like, dude, I know nothing about the case. I'm, like, so out.

I'm so out of it, too. I'm like, randomly, I'll just pick you a hero. And I've no idea. I'm trying to, I'm trying to huge piece of shit. Yeah. I think from my understanding, he went to, like, a Black Lives Matter protest with a gun, which everybody's like, he showed out his self-defense.

I'm like, you know, maybe don't show up to a protest with the gun, but I don't know. Or like a smaller gun. Maybe people call them a pussy. I don't know. Maybe there's reasons for him to do it. Yeah, so apparently he was... I'm in the same way.

I literally have no idea, so nobody can get pissed in me for my takes because I don't know what's happening. Yeah, I also don't care. That's the biggest. Everything in the world that happens, I just don't care. If I have a conviction, it's totally made up. Like the whole, I loved when, like, Biden just got elected because everyone was so happy. Yeah. I could just pretend to be like, well, Trump was better.

That's the funniest take in the world. It's just be like, we got to get our real president. Yeah, I got to get our hero back. Because nobody, like, especially in New York, you can't, like, even if it's a great, People hate me the most because I voted third party. So people are like... That's like voting for Trump or whatever. Yeah, you assume it's so funny.

You assume people would be like, oh, you know, maybe he's like, you know, has some of our opinions. But maybe he has other opinions. But no, they just go, oh, so you're not with the both. Yeah. More Democrats get mad about it than Republicans. Because like, Republicans for some reason are like, we'll turn you. We'll get you over here. But like, Democrats are like, you're dead to me.

I'm like, I just don't care about politics. I think Republican is like the end of the final destination for everyone. We just all go that way when you're like 100. Yeah, I think on your deathbed, you're a Republican. But in the womb, you're a liberal. Yeah, I think that's a way to go. Because you went to college, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They pumped the liberal agenda very hard. Oh, we went to, yeah, I had, like, it was... You went to, like, the University of, like, Houston or something. No, no, I went to Florida State, which is so funny because it was, like, the broiest college,

but, like, we had a multicultural film taught by, like, a white woman, which was so fucking funny. She, like, was constantly, like... Like, just like the most annoying person I probably ever had. Like everything we'd watch movies and she'd be like, well, what do you think about this? You know, maybe, me, and you're like, well, did you write a fucking screenplay? No, you didn't.

You're teachers. I mean, you're just constantly complaining about shit that like, yeah. Because, like, I do understand. Like, I do agree to an extent you need representation in film and you don't want to just have Whitey McWhiterson on every film. But also, like, part of the reason why that is is because, like, dudes make movies. That's why there's less female writers because, like, way less females trying to be writers, I would guess. I think so. I think also a lot.

of it has to do with like box office. Yeah, yeah. Nothing's more racist than box office numbers. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, like, anytime there's like a Fast and Furious or like Avengers movie or whatever, which is a bunch of white men, it crushes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like, so true. Like the other day, I was out.

Well, I don't know, Fast and Furies has, they mix it up. They got some. That's true. They do. Yeah. Have you seen the new Fast and Furious? No, it's probably awesome. It's awesome. And it's so, it's bad, you know, because they jump the shark in every regard, but it's awesome. But, like, I recently got the regal unlimited pass. Oh, fuck yeah. Which is incredible. It's like $24 a month. Unlimited movies for the month.

And then like percentages off the concession, like whatever. So I've been going to the movies a lot more because I can't sit at home and watch a movie. No, no. I'm a big movie theater guy. I like getting fucked up and going to the movies. Yes. Like I'm really like kind of offended that there's so many movie theaters in New York City where they don't serve alcohol. I'm like this is insane. I know. Yeah. Like there's like five I've been to when you like you do not serve alcohol here. It's like how am I supposed to? Yeah. The Regal Union square, that one has alcohol. Okay, sweet, yeah. And so does the Essex and Delancey one.

That one's sick. I have a list. Dude, the Essex and Delancey one feels like a nightclub. Yeah, that one is sick. When you go up to escalators, it's like Marvel and like neon lights everywhere. Yeah, it's great. The other day, speaking of getting fucked up at the movies, I have a friend, my friend Jonah and I and our other friend Henry,

like we go with his girlfriend and stuff and we'll all go all four of us to the movies. And, you know, we're getting hammered beforehand because we don't know how to behave and all that. And before the movie, I was walking past the smoke shop, and I was like, I'm going to get one of those, like, Delta 8 vapes. I don't know if you've tried. Yeah, my thing with Delta A is I don't know if it's bad for you or not, but you've got

to do these drugs until you find out the science. Exactly. Like, K2, it's like, I smoke that all the time. Turns out it gives people seizures, kills people. But you get to enjoy it before you find out that. So Delta A is like, apparently, I don't know, fake weed or something like that. Yeah, it's like Delta 9, THD's marijuana. There's something off about it.

about Delta. I smoke it. I feel something off about. I don't know what it is. It's stronger than you think. Like I went to get one of these vapes for us and they had like gummies there too. So I was like yeah, I'll fucking get these. It'll be great. And I have like a really strong tolerance for edibles. So

we got to the movie theater and I gave them all one of them and I took three. I was like if anyone's getting fucked up, it's me and then you'll know whatever. Dude, we went to see James Bond 45 minutes in. We all had to leave. leave the theater and there was no one else in it

my one friend lost his phone in like 10 minutes his girlfriend was just like crying and was like we have to go and our third friend never even made it into the theater he was just vomiting in the bathroom I had to I was the whole time

I was like running waters into the bathroom I was the least fucked up at I was enjoying James Bond so thoroughly I was like this movie's great they're all like we have to leave My friend that lost his phone, he lost it in the bathroom. So he could not find it. We're under the seats shining the lights.

He goes to the concession stand down to the bottom. And he's like, he has his lady. He's like, have you guys seen a cell phone? And they're like, oh, what's on the phone? And as soon as she says that, all of these people emerge to like see what he says because he's got a big, like, pink cock on his phone. Like on the case, it's just a big huge pink dick. like to be funny.

And he's like, oh, it's gotta, and they just all start losing it and they hand it to him. And he's like, and he's just ripped off edible. Like none of them smokes.

It was so wild. But yeah, you have to go to a movie fucked up. Dude, my favorite is we went to go see the new triple X movie that came out like four years ago. Like the third one,

it's like the Vin Diesel sequel or whatever. Yeah. And we all wore bald caps. Like, we all dressed up like Vin Diesel and we got so fucking hammered. And it was a fantastic time. That's great.

Yeah. I got a, I got early access to Fast 9 Because I met someone at a bar And they're like, you want a ticket? I was like, fuck yeah So I got ripped for that And Fast 9

This was before the movie was out So all the people that were there Were like diehard fans Like 100% gay people think? I think there's something about it We're like no he just That's a heart bar man It's like

It's weird because we're always like Yeah, we need representation of gay's movies But like we don't have gay action movies Most actors are gay By the way Yeah They're just not spilling the beans Yeah, but it's like, in my opinion, it's like

the representation, they do it in such a lame way. They're like, we're gonna have this quirky gay high school character who comes out. It's like, how about we have like some gay guy who like just, like, you know what I mean? Like, kills nine people and then he like fucks his boyfriend and the ass and ex. Yeah, dude, I would watch that.

That would be badass. Dude, that would be a sick movie, yeah. Yeah, same thing with chicks. But it's also like, I grew up on superheroes and I didn't realize now how homoerotic it already is. So there's already gay as fuck. So you might as well just like roll with it and have like some. Yeah.

They're also, like, I'm convinced all Hollywood elite actors are all having gay sex. Like, Tom Hardy came out and said it. Yeah, yeah. Of course I fuck God. He's just like, what are you talking about? Obviously, I'm an actor, you know? He's like, what are you fucking retarded? You don't think I'm gay?

Yeah, he's like, of course I'm going to try it, like seven times. He's like, he's like, you're a fucking idiot. You're so stupid for not knowing that I suck dick all the time. Yeah. And that's awesome, you know? But, like, the same, they do the same thing with women. Like there was this preview It was like Jessica Chastay

And Penelope Cruz For like this And like all these women For like this movie Where they save the world You know And it's gotta be all women Who do it and stuff

Yeah And it's like don't pick The hot Like petite Fit girl Oh yeah Yeah Like pick that butchy

Dyke You know You can fucking throw fists Yeah Make it a little more That's where Gina Carano

She's great She's hot But she's also Yoked Like you can be kind of both I think she's actually kind of hot, but she has that, like, kind of like, I'm gonna, like, when she was in, like,

what was it? Mandalorian? Deadpool. Like, you're like, oh, she could actually kick somebody's ass. Yeah. She's, like, yoked. Yeah, she was bad ass. She used to be a fighter, right?

Yeah, she was, uh, I, I want to say, you know, she's a fighter for patriots like us. Yeah. Bad ass, by the way. Dude, those are, we're going to look back in history at this time and realize those are the real heroes. I don't know about that. Kyle Rittenhouse.

My favorite. is like, I just say, I don't, I have this take, just don't be a fucking nerd. Whether you're like a liberal nerd that's like, you're not supposed to say no things, or you're like a Ben Shapiro nerd, who's like just a total pussy. That guy is constantly just like,

well, actually, I would not. I know, you're such a cocksucker. He is so annoying. He's so annoying. And also, it's like he's so religious that it almost discredits a lot. Because he does have a lot of, like, takes that I'm like, oh, that makes sense.

Yeah, of course. But then he's like, yeah, well, because God. And you're right. Yeah, well, you can't be gay. and vote Republican. I don't know. That was my Ben Shapiro. Yeah.

Bit. The wife's stuff funny with him. There's this weird stuff where like he had some tweet talking about his wife like sleeping in a different bed or something. I think he has like severe autism. Yeah. Oh, for sure. He's got something going on. Yeah.

But his sister though, dude. She hot? Talk about cans. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Pull him up. Pull him up.

Dude. I want to see him. She is an absolute babe. And it's just so funny that she, you know, is related to him. Oh, yeah. But she's got those big Jewish slappers. And it's,

dude. She's a beautiful young lady. She's also... She's nine years old. I'm just kidding. I'm just talking. I'm like, age 15. Oh, yeah, she is hot.

Yeah. Oh, but she looks a little bit like him. Yes. Yeah. If you put a wig on him. Technically, that is not my pussy. It is my asshole. You have to take your dick out of there.

But she's, I guess she's saving herself for marriage, which is exciting. That means still have a chance. Yeah, yeah. I just need to confirm. Tell her you, tell her you to Kyle Rittenhouse. She'll fuck you.

Just get on the Ben Shapiro show. He's like, we have Kyle Rittenhouse here. I have a lot of pull. You're like, yeah, he shot that motherfucker. I have a lot of pulling Kenosha. Yeah. Cheese curds with me later.

Oh, I want to talk a little bit before we forget about the homeless guy. So his name is Johnny, I found out. So he's one that sets of the barricade. and he got arrested the other day. So what happens is somebody tried to move the barricade and he just assaulted some guy, which you know, you don't move the barricade. This is his thing.

Yeah. Just don't fuck with it. Actually, I've seen him like fight two people over the barricade. But then I guess he went over to Cafe Rachio and just like attacked a waiter and then walked over there and the police started arresting him

and he looked back and he's like, tell them I didn't do anything. Tell them I didn't do anything. And my other friend's like, yo, tell them he didn't do anything. I don't know, he may have done something and I didn't do anything. I'm just going to defend him.

I am friends with him. I am friends. You're friendly with him. I spend so much fucking time out there that I do actually hang out of these people. And then two hours later, he got out of jail. And he's like, you weren't fucking there for me, man. You were not fucking there for me. Oh, no.

And I felt so bad. I was like, fuck. I'm sorry, I didn't know what happened. I bet you wish there was a barricade up then. Yeah. But the two seconds later, he was like, like, the next day is like, spare change? How's go? Like, you totally forgot.

Oh, yeah. You can totally. Dude, there's this guy who walks around. You might know him. And he's always saying he's going to kill himself. Oh, if you don't give him a dollar. Yeah. And I never give him a dollar.

Yeah, no. I'm like, dude, we're all gonna- I'll give you a dollar to kill yourself. Yeah. And then he just lays in the middle of the street. Oh, yeah, I've seen that guy, yeah. Yeah. He's been doing that, by the way, he's been there for two years.

I know. So I know he's a faker. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. There's some comic real quick before I forget. I forgot his name. He's fucking hilarious. His older comic.

I totally forgot his name. I sure remember his name. I think he's an L.A. guy, but he had this joke about it. He's like, yeah, I saw one of those guys that burn victim asking for money on the subway. I think he's faking it He's like head to toe Burned That's great

But what were you You were talking about Oh the guy who lays in the road Yeah yeah Oh yeah So like that Tuesday night I like saw him

And he's just like laying in the street And he's like somebody talk to me And some poor soul goes up to him They're like grabbing him And they're like come on you got to get it And of course he's like I'm not moving Yeah

He'll move for money But he's not going for anything else Yeah, but it's like two straight years. Like I saw him doing that in Hell's Kitchen and now he moved his operations down to East Village. Oh, okay. And he'll start doing it there now. Yeah. I wonder how, like, how long of a career you can have panhandling, you know?

Dude, some of these people. It's kind of similar to comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, we make less money than they did. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. We, I lose money. Yeah, yeah, constantly.

I'm losing money, you know. Yeah. But I don't know. I have one. That's the Johnny guy, the original guy, Barricade Johnny. And I remember it's so funny because, like, I have some friend who's kind of a conspiracy theorist. And he's like, you know, like, I works for the CIA, right? I'm like, no, he does not.

You're fucking ridiculous. Because he says he works for the CIA. Like, he'll seem he's like, I'm in the phone with the CIA. Right now. And his phone's, like, dead. And he showed me his phone with time. He's like, this is the CIA. And it's like, brother Timmy or something like that.

I'm like, all right. It was funny, though, because also when he was getting arrested, he was like, call my people, call my people, call my people. I got a team. He's like, look at me. I don't know who you want me. You mean the pigeons? Like, what are you talking about?

But he showed up the other night, and he was talking to me, goes, people don't know this, but your social security card, on the back of it, you can use that to pay for everything. And I'm like, okay. And he's like, why I got it out of jail? He's like, this piece of paper right here. And it was just an arrest record. So it was just, he said like this was like a secret document that he shows people. Then he, like, introduced me to like two of his friends the other day.

There was like two girls who just clearly on here when he's like, this is my friend? There you go. Yeah. We all ski together. Yeah. Yeah, but it is sad seeing the same people over and over and over. Oh, yeah. But also, like, my favorite is the, there's a homeless guy who tries to get me to quit comedy.

He constantly, dude. I'm selling comedy club tickets, and he's like, you know, you should probably get yourself, like, a real job. And I'm like, fuck you, bro. You're like, hey, what are you talking to a mirror right now? Like, Jesus Christ. He says, he's like, I don't want you to end up like me. And, like, he told me, like, four times you go to the chief newspaper. They post daily job stuff.

And eventually I had to tell him, like, dude, I'm fine. Just fuck off, bro. It's, like, really annoying. Dude, I'm white. I'll be okay. The world does not allow me to be where you are. There are systems in place to make sure that I succeed. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I felt when I first moved to New York,

like the amount of guilt you feel for just being white is insane. Oh, I don't have it. Oh, really? I have guilt for racist things that I have done or said. Okay. But I'm never just like I'm white. It's like, I don't know, for some... To me, it doesn't add up just because somebody else's life is harder.

You know what I mean? It's like... Yeah. I feel more privileged. I do feel horrible for other people. Like, when you talk to like, even non, even white people that are like gay, like, you realize how hard it is to actually come out? Like, I mean, we'll make gay jokes stuff like that. Like, New York City, obviously is like the fucking gold model.

Like, you come here and it's awesome to be gay. Yeah. But like in Florida, like, I think there's people to genuinely struggle with coming out. Yeah. But I also like, I wouldn't feel it's not like I'm going to have sex to my girlfriend and then come and be like, oh, man. Yeah. Yeah. You know, so it's the same thing with the white thing.

It's like, I don't, I feel bad that other people are mistreated by other white people. I think it's 100% of thing. But at the end of the day, there's no part of me that's like, I did. I know that I'm racist because I don't like Mexicans. It's not because I'm right, right. No, but it's like in general, it's like I do feel bad about the things I've said or done. Like, I definitely used to think more racist in high school than I do now. Yeah.

But I still have never been like, oh, because of this. Yeah, dude, I mean, in high school, we had one black kid, really, that we're all friends with. And we would all call them the edward. Really? All of us. Where's from again? Sollgart is New York, like upstate New York. Like it was almost everybody.

And it was, but we didn't. The teachers too. Yeah, the teachers. Like, you know, lunch ladies. Well, if you're a child, you also don't know anything about history. We didn't know. Like, I swear. And like, that's the shit that bothers me.

I'm like, like, dude, when I was in Little League, there was this little kid on our team who was Mexican. And like, this is like eight, nine years old. And we all called him Beener. Yeah. Like the whole time. And in my head, I'm like, dude, he looks just like a bean. Oh, yeah. You thought that's what it was.

It's the best nickname. Yeah. And, like, we love. loved it and like we would be yelling out at the dugout at him like when he's up oh come on beaner you know yeah dude parents were coaching us like nobody said a word oh yeah nobody said a single word to me and i it wasn't until i was like 15 or 16 years old i was like oh my god like i'm just totally calling this guy like a slur yeah yeah like outwardly like did the black kid ever get mad at you saying the inward was like i think he yeah he does not like any of us anymore yeah

yeah well i like dude for my like 15 and when I was like 15 like the soft day was like acceptable at my high school and to be fair if nobody tells you something is wrong it's completely there's no reason that you would know you yeah it's like obviously it's fucked up and I feel guilty though like throw that around out all the time but I'm like okay in theory like I know it's just us defending I know yes using the word of the in my head I'm like okay when he's done talking I was what I was gonna say is like he was like one of our best friends and he would come to all of our parties and everything And, like, we just thought of it as, like, a funny thing.

Yeah, yeah, because in your mind, your kid, you're like, oh, we're not, like, it's detached and you don't realize, like, the effect. Yeah, yeah. You don't. And, like, it's across the board for that, and it's terrible. Yeah. But, like, I don't know. I just grew up in, in a family that had no idea what I was saying to everyone.

Like, I won class clown. And my family's like, what are you talking? Like, you, like, you're not funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My family's, like, you're quiet. You don't say anything to anyone, like, whatever. And, uh, little they know, you got a fun. you got a fun list of slurs you toss.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. I got to rattle them up. But, like, when I won class clown, my dad was like, he's like, you know, that's not really something to be proud. I remember I'm saying that. And, like, in perspective, he was probably right because, like, the reasons you win it are, like, for dumb shit. Oh, yeah, you got to be, yeah, yeah. But were you class clown? No, my buddy got it.

I was so fucking pissed. Oh, really? My buddy got it. And I was like, to be fair, though, in high school, like, I was fun on weekends, but I took so much Adderall that I was so serious in school. Yeah. There's like no reason why um, um,

there's no reason why I would have been like, you know what I mean? Yeah. I just go to school and take Adderall. But then Adderall would wear off and then I was myself afterwards. But I was just robotic in class. Yeah. But elementary squad didn't take much Adderall and I was a total dickhead.

And, uh, yeah. Yeah, there were friends I thought should have wanted over me. Like, uh, one of my close friends, not, not too close, but he's a good friend of mine. His name is Nick and he's like, probably the funniest guy. Like, I've, I hang out with. Like he just dominates everyone. Oh, there's, dude, I have friends that are way funny.

My buddy Paxton who edits, this is one of the funniest motherfuckers. Yeah. Isn't it crazy? And you're like, you guys have to try stand-up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the thing is, there's a weird connection you have to have in your brain where, like, like, the only reason I got into stand-up was like, I knew I could do public speaking. I was always good at it.

I always had enough confidence to do it. And I knew I was, like, smart enough to try to write jokes and, like, try to work the jokes and stuff. But, like, in terms of, like, conversationalally, like, there's, There's so many people funnier than me that, like, I went to school with that. Dude, like, so many of my friends, yeah. But it's also, like, my thing, too, is it's like, I'm doing comedy literally because I fucking suck at everything else. I'm so bad.

I'm the least competent person. I've worked office jobs, and I'm surprised I got fired from that job for my podcast. I'm surprised I need a job for that job being a fucking idiot. Did they, did you get, like, a severance pay? No. That's bullshit. Because you were temping? Is that one?

Yeah, well, I could have gotten unemployment, but the problem is I kept rejecting jobs through the temp agency. So it would have been like, oh, yeah, when you apply for unemployment, you have to say like, oh, I've Are you trying to work? Yeah. And I was like, nah, I rejected like nine jobs. I'm trying to go hard not to work. Yeah.

Yeah. But then I also realize, though, I'm like, I just, my life cycle is I work a day job for six months and then I stop. Yeah. That's just how it works. And I mean, to be fair, it's like I want to do comedy. So that's, yeah. And comedy's like, I don't like, it's the only thing that makes me feel.

Like on stage, I feel myself. Yeah. Like, that's the only time I feel like I'm really tapping into. to like who I am. Like, and it wasn't until like very recently, honestly, like doing it where I've started to feel that way. That's, I have no idea who I am 24. Not even on stage, off stage in my dreams.

I'm like, who the, I'm not going on. I'm drunk. I feel me. Are you like heavily influenced by like podcasts or other comedians or anything like that? I think, I mean, Louie's my favorite and I'll occasionally catch myself doing him. And then I'm like, ah, fuck, I'm doing. But I don't think I'm trying really hard to just do. But it's hard when you don't know who you are, especially at fucking 24.

It's like, I constantly, I'm like, I have no idea who I am this person. And you start thinking your one thing and then you see a comic, do the same exact stuff. And you're like, all right, well, that's him. So that can also be. I can't be that guy. I can't be that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm very impressionable. Like, I've gone through a cycle of comedians who I was, like, impersonating.

Like, it was Anthony Jessel, like, at first, then Mark Norman, then, like, into Nate Bargazzi. Yeah. And it's just been this all, like, constant thing. But I think that's like, you kind of got to, like, bounce around off the walls before you finally. Yeah. That's the good part about watching Black. comedy is there's no way to emulate it. So you're like, this is just me watching.

I'm not going to get up there and be like, what's that? Yeah. It's like, no, it's like, no, it's just, there's no possible way for me to like be anybody. So it's like, it's such a, yeah, it's, you're like, all right, well, I'm not going to start picking up with these habits because that would just be in, I mean, some people do. There are some white comics that will just do black comedy. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Andrew Schelds. But what, like, what's like the, the craziest thing you feel like you've said on stage? Um, intentionally or... Like the biggest risk, like, intentionally. Do you have, like, a moment at all? I, like... I'm trying to think, yeah.

I don't know, what do you call risk? Because it's like, I've... Open mics are probably where I've said, like, the worst shit ever. I'm trying to think... I don't know, because it's like... I have jokes about my friend passing away. But there's such a range. Just as far as where it's like the audience...

Like, whether it's at the start of your set or whatever, it's like, I could love... lose the entire audience with this. But I think it's funny and I'm going to do it. I think probably you want to hear the worst thing I've done on stage? Yes.

I'm going to go down for this. This is 100% All right. I'm fucked. I thought of it. I'm fucked. I mean, we could always cut it too. No, we're leaving it in here. All right, yeah. It is, uh, oh shit. Morning good. We might be fucked

because that shouldn't be recording. Uh, whatever. the worst thing I've said on stage was all right, this is fucked up. I was doing a midnight show and I was joking about it. What if you just went on stage and you pretend to be retarded

for the first 30 seconds of your set? Yeah. And some of my friends are like, you won't fucking do it. You won't fucking do it. You will not do it. And for the first 30 seconds, I just did a voice.

It's like, hey guys, how's again? And I was like, how are you? How are you? Not like, I wasn't like... That's like a very pleasant, retarded voice. No, I wasn't like, hey, guys, do you.

Yeah. specifically doing Down syndrome. I was doing like an Adam Sandler character. Yeah. And people loved it. I didn't tell them what I was doing. But I guarantee you immediately afterwards, but you guys just laughed at somebody being retarded because that's what you did.

Dude, that's like, I think we talked about this. But I will say it was the most fun I had on stage because I was just like, hello, how are you? How were you? And I was like, all right. Those moments are very important, I think, in comedy. Yeah. But it's so easy for somebody to be like, if somebody tells me I will not do something

on stage. I'm such a person. I have to do it. I'm like, all right, I'm not fucking pussy, bro. You have to do it. Yeah. Yeah, I've done, like, the Down syndrome voice before. Like, the worst, like, I don't know. I lost the audience one time because, like, I was doing the show aggressively chill. I did have a joke. Oh, no, you can finish. No, I'll let you go. The other thing is I did have this joke about how, like, it's one of my favorite ideas. Nobody seems to like it. But I think that, like, the whole point of the joke is I was like, okay, I think, like, the only one of the only only, people don't have really excuse for why you shouldn't be able to have sex with your cousin. The only reason they say it's bad is because it's gross and it makes mentally retarded kids. And why is the second one a bad thing? It's like, we like them, right? Yeah, someone's got to push those.

And at that point, the audience can't, yeah, at that point the audience can't be like, no, we don't like them. So like, they're good people, right? So we should be making more of them. Yeah. And basically the whole premise of the joke is like, if there's nothing wrong with being retarded, then there's nothing wrong with fucking your cousin. So that's the kind of like, which in theory, I think is a good premise because it's like, it is.

Either one is true. Either it's a bad thing because that's the only thing wrong with having sex to somebody. So let's either admit that there's a problem with being disabled or not. Because it's like, then there's nothing wrong with fucking your cousin because that's what it creates. Exactly. That's the only reason. We don't want to admit it, but we do not want more of them. Dude, I love the pro, like, retarded bits. Like, I did something similar with, like, the vat.

I was just shitting on the vaccine. I was like, guys, I'm not anti-vax. I'm actually pro-autism. Yeah, yeah. Because it's like, you kind of corner them into a point where they're like, okay, I guess I got. Yeah. Because it's like you kind of, yeah, yeah, you juggle it, yeah. But I also, I mean, that's my thing is like, I, listen, maybe a year from now I'll be like, this was a horrible thing I said.

And I don't, but it's like, in theory, I'm like, okay, you should be able to joke about anything if your purpose is to make it funny. Because it's like, your job is to make fun of things. So that is crazy to limit that topic. And then you're like, all right, well, you can't make fun of anything. And sometimes you're taking the angle of an asshole and they're supposed to be laughing at you for your dumb idea. Yes. It's like, it wouldn't be funny if I went up there. Like, that's a great point.

We should fuck our cousins because it's like, no, that's insane. Yeah. But taking those risks, I think is so important. Oh, and such a blast. It's like, that's what makes it fun. It's like, I'm going to say something crazy. It hurts my feelings if I make somebody sad. That's never my intention.

But the whole process is you're going to have to get, yeah, you just need to know that like there really is no, like the worst that can happen is you bomb. That's the worst. I don't know. I put worst case scenario. Every, I'm not even kidding. Like, every time before we're going on stage, I have this scenario in my head where the audience hates me and throw shit at me.

Really? Every time and I'm like, that's the worst. So let's just go up there. That is like honestly good. That's better than being like super comfortable because you'll do better that way. Like if you're nervous and like you're, you know the stakes and stuff.

Even if you make up the stakes, you'll do better because that like fighter flight kicks in. Yeah, but for me it's more like I'm like, okay, the end of the day, that's the worst that's going to happen. And at the end of the day, I still live from that. So I'm kind of the opposite.

I am lowering the stakes in a way. I'm saying this is like the worst scenario, but that's probably not going to happen. so I just go up there and have fun. Yeah. So my worst, I did, you know, you know Dean David, right? Yeah. He does like a Tuesday night show, aggressively chill.

And like I, the first time I did it, I did like all my great material. Great material. I did all my mediocre material. I did well. So like they've been giving me spots. And the second time I went back, I was like so cocky. There was these two girls sitting in the front and like Alex, the host was talking to him. And he was just like, they were.

from Virginia. And he's like, oh, can you do like a Southern Bell accent? And they're like, no, like we don't really do that. And they're like,

can you do it? And Alex is like, no, I'm not going to do it. And then like, it kind of fizzled out and he brought me on stage. I was like,

hey, do you guys want to hear my Southern male accent? And they're like, yeah. I was just like, pinged down. She's bail. And immediately,

like, there was just groans and like their faces were just like, they just like stared at me and discussed the whole time I was doing the show. I would just like, look at them on the punchlines and like

the whole time they were just so upset with like everything I saw. I lost them right away. I had one like that the other night where I could just this woman's whole face the whole time I'm angry. I'm like I'm not like I'm not even trying to. It's funny. It is funny. It is funny. It is funny. Because it's also like

it's a consenting thing because you are going to a comedy show so you should expect this. It's like if you saw somebody playing football like tackling somebody off the field is way different than on the field. Yes. On the field is in the showroom. So yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. If you're signing up for that, you should know what to expect. My fear is Doug Stanhope has a joke about that in his special

where he's like, people get mad at me for making fun of things. You're mad at me for making fun? Yeah. What a bad guy. Creating joy. He's like,

am I taking some topics that are somehow like unavoidable and horrible parts of life and I'm making fun of them? Yeah. It is just what, dude, there's like,

I get it too. Like, if you're a mom from Ohio that like doesn't know about comedy, like we're told not to laugh at certain things. That's like part of

culture. And it's really because in certain times you're not supposed to laugh things. Like if I went to my friend's funeral and I was like, ah, fucking that would be fucked up. Which by the way, nothing funnier than a funeral. Because there's stakes are higher. The stakes are so high. It's like when you can't laugh about something. It makes it a thousand times. You're not even supposed to smile. That's the funniest thing. Yeah. But yeah, I think some people genuinely don't want to laugh at things because morally, like after the show, they'll feel bad about it. 100%. There's a connection that like we have in our brain where we're like, this is fake. This is. This is. a fake world that we're living in and it makes so much sense to us.

Yeah, because we're like, this is like, it's literally like a movie where you shoot somebody. Nobody actually got shot in it. Exactly. It's like this is. It was the same thing with like Trump's presidency. Like obviously like, you know, say what you will about him. Like maybe not a good president, good president. I don't know.

But he was funny. Oh, hilarious. Yeah. And the people who could realize that didn't really give a shit. Like they, maybe they didn't vote for him. But like the people who didn't realize that who don't have that connection. just totally fucking hated. Oh, 100%.

And it kind of just put them in a box. It's like, oh, okay, that's a group that they're not going to get anything. Yeah. But it's also the other side of it, the people that were like so invested in him and looked at him like a god. Either way, this is like... They're taking themselves way too seriously. The answer is like you really can't control anything. So like I, you might as well laugh it as much as you can.

You know what I mean? It's like you literally, dude, so... There's such a high chance, not a high chance, but the amount of things that could just kill you out of the fucking blue. I know. Crazy, bro. There's like, people get attacked by hatchets in New York. There's some guy got attacked by an axe at like an ATM. It's like, that shit happens.

Did you see that video? The machete one? I thought it was a hatchet. It may have been a hatchet. Would he use that an ATM or something like that? Yeah. It's like, that guy got away. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The victim, but that was like to imagine. His arm got cut off, but he replaced it with an axe. Like an ax man guy. Or just a big stump. He's like, I'll fuck any axe up there. But yeah, that kind of stuff can happen. Dude, I get hit by a car almost every day. Yeah, yeah.

Almost, I do not pay attention when I'm crossing the street. Like, it's going to be something to cigarettes. Like, whatever it is, it's going to kill you. Like, so just, we're here for a short amount of time. Yeah. Let's just have some fun. Absolutely. And it's, like, not to be, like, a fucking douche about comedy, but, like, I see it as an art

for everybody, all my friends are listening to like, this fucking pussy. But it's like, in theory, it's like, you should be, like, when I say pushing boundaries, I don't necessarily mean saying fucked up jokes. That might be how I want to do it. Yeah. But other people, like, that might be doing a weird voice or something. something crazy out there, but it's like, in a way, it's like, it's like anything else. It's like, dude, I want to see a movie about everything. Every possible thing in the world, I want to see a

movie about. Yeah. Because that's like what the art form is. You want to see it expanded. So comedy, I want to see a joke about every single topic. Yeah. Hit from every different angle, hit from the insensitive angle where you're hearing something mean, hearing from a sweet angle. It's nice. You know, it's like you want to hear everything. The idea, like, I don't know if I agree or disagree with comedy being an art form. I think of it as like so highly. But I also think my perception of it is so skewed. Oh, it's distorted. I think I'm like, I put, give so much respect to comedians that like I shouldn't necessarily

give. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it is funny how quickly, like when you're doing, when someone's doing well, it seems like a work of art. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But someone can be doing poorly doing the same jokes. It seems like mental illness. Oh, completely.

Like, so the spectrum of that, talking about, you know, bring it back to autism. Yeah. The spectrum of that is like so wide. And there's so many bad comedians, too. Oh, yeah, yeah. So like if you're like us. We're jeans. Yeah,

we're so good. There's, like I used to be, oh shit, my girlfriend's coming home guys. We got to cut it off. Oh,

oh, okay. Oh, shit. Oh, so like, I used to be in a band before and that's like, kind of why I got into comedy. Like our band blew up and like,

I was like, I need to perform. Dude, we were pretty good. Really? Our band was much better than I am as a comedian. What did you play? Drums.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. And it, like, we were starting to get momentum and we broke, broke up.

up and like I just had this great differences or what was it it was uh not even it was like there was uh it's it's touchy because like I went into the band with my cousin like we started it and like our relationship has not been good since then yeah so it was just like like this whole thing he thought like we were trying to steal the band out from under him but he was like the guitar player lead singer wrote all the songs it's like what are we going to steal the yeah the lighting but uh yeah it was it was not a good split but uh Like, doing comedy now, I see the difference in music. And, like, I never got to appreciate how, like, easy it is to do music and just get, like, a great reception and have people tell you.

Like, you don't, you can play cover songs. Yeah. And people are amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's, it's the opposite of comedy. Like, if you play original stuff as a band, people are going to be like, like, we're at a bar. Like, play Tom Petty. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But if you're a comic and you're doing other comics, jokes, yeah, yeah. jokes. They're like, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah. We came here to see your point of view. What did you guys blow up? What is successful? I mean, we never, it's hard to say because we were in the point Hudson's crew was the name of the band. We started it when we were like in seventh grade and we broke up when I was like, I think a junior in college. So we had like a good run. But we were starting to get gigs. Like we opened for the spin doctors one time. Oh, that's pretty sweet. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah. We started to get like gigs that were.

like really cool and like a little bit of a following and uh it's it's a weird thing when you're when you're starting to gain traction and like you're not changing anything yeah you're getting more confident but you're everything kind of the same you're the same people but your reception is just getting stronger and stronger and so cheering people are like they're so happy to see it's like it's weird yeah and we're starting to get into like that phase like nobody noticed that nobody knew who we were i think to like really get big we would have to like move to a big city or something like that. But like we were in that incubation phase where we were drawing attention and stuff.

So like we all thought we were going to be famous. Oh, yeah. Chips on our shoulder. You're just already picking up like a pill addiction and like getting. Yeah. Yeah. So I think in terms of comedy, that's like I've gone in being like I suck at comedy. Like I always think I suck.

And like that helps because like you're never content really. You're like, I see other people working hard and doing well. And I'm like, that's what I want to be. So I don't have that like, oh, I'm so good at this kind of thing. That was totally stripped away. I realize I only have like 10 minutes. I'm like, oh, it's nothing. You probably have more than 10 minutes.

Like 15. Yeah. At most. I mean, I could tell jokes for 30 minutes, but that doesn't mean it's good. Yeah. But it's also because I'm constantly throwing shit out. It's like I'm constantly, I don't like this anymore. Me too.

But I do feel bad. We've got to end it soon. Anything you want to promote? Fuck City USA? Fuck City USA. We've been on a little bit of a hiatus. But I think there's still episodes out and it's still. kind of kicking Fuck City USA

the podcast with Alan Fitzgerald. Yes. The great comedic stylings of Alan Fitzgerald. And then other than that, Instagram, Patty is funky. Twitter, Patty Defino. That's really it.

I don't really have a whole lot in the pot. All right. Thank you for listening. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, absolutely, man. It's overdue.