Morning Good - If Kamala Doesn't Win, I'm Killing Myself - Episode 244

Episode Date: November 10, 2024

Paxton Fleming, this show's editor/producer, returns to NYC to join the Morning Good podcast once again alongside Paddy Defino. They talk about sex rehab, Chappell Roan, and of course, the election.You can find Paxton as Ya Boy Pax on Spotify, Apple Music, etc. , on Instagram @yaboypax, or at yaboypax.com. Paddy Defino is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and hosts News From Bed on YouTube.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. And we're going here with Paxon and Fleming and Patrick DeFienel. Yeah, fuck, yeah. Damn. Like Steakhouse. From Ireland. Wow.

Paxon Fleming. I mean, it's like a poet laureate. Yeah. Yeah, that's me, dude. This might be one of the most Irish episodes I've done of this podcast. Probably. I really do claim... It's a fucking mixed.

Yeah. I really do claim Irish, like, way more than I feel like I should. I feel like you're not even Irish. No, I think I'm not at all, but I'm just like, I don't know. I want to have some, like, character to me. Yeah. I don't know. And that's in the Irish character is the one you want?

I mean, I'm Spanish technically, but I don't really... That's a new... information you go that's just like sexual assault yeah yeah that's what i think of uh we can't get we can't have a racist one on this time why you can't say that with him on them patty's the one that turned this and do i used to have my name on this you notice like slowly over time it stopped saying produced by you boy patch and part of it it's like like joe goorman is almost so crazy that it's like oh it's everything he says is crazy.

Yeah, but I don't. The problem with Patty is he starts making sense. I'm just serious. No, but it's just, oh, it's just the word. When I'm editing and I'm like, you don't want to take anything out? You didn't say anything that you feel shame about? And then it'll always be something fucking

stupid where someone's like, oh, they said their like, dog's last name. Yeah. People can not know. No, he cannot. We have to take that out. You guys said the worst fucking shit right before that. about like apartheid Africa

and then you're like not smart enough to like like so you not not dumb. I don't give a fuck that's fair. No not not smart but like you're so that's very fair. You're purposefully misinformed like you don't do

research on things. So you'd be like yeah I guess part tide like was a good thing I don't know like maybe they have like restaurants. Dude that's also like not dumb I don't mean to call you that I don't know no no don't do this now I'm I'm always more offended

and they go, oh, I don't mean that you fucking little pussy who can't take an insult. Have you ever done the apartheid pod challenge? Is that like playing Hitler on Wikipedia? I never play Hitler on Wikipedia?

You just see how quickly you can get to Hitler from any Wikipedia page. Oh, okay. That's actually pretty fun. It's not like a fun game. It sounds incredibly fun. Yeah.

I don't know. The thing is too, I like... It's when Wikipedia was new. Right. Whoa. They got everything. Yeah, when we had that, there was a principal at our high school that one of our friends made a whole article call said Craig Mon is the gay gunslinger. They made a whole entire.

The headmaster? Yes, they made a whole entire Wikipedia page about how he's the headmaster of Trinity Preparedory School. And he's also a gay stripper who's like one of the top gay strippers in the world. It was just up there for years. His name is Craig Mon. Yeah. That sounds like he tried to create like his own knockoff Pokemon. Yeah.

objects around his cubicle. Steepler. I thought it was, I thought of more of like a, like a Jamaican guy. Like Gregma. Yeah. But that was,

yeah, you could do crazy shit. Like I would constantly just for fun, change Wikipedia pages and see how long I could spread misinformation for it. That's so funny because I always thought of that as a sin. Really? Yeah.

I was like, I can't do that. That's too far. Yeah, yeah. I don't even try. People don't even know you can do that now. That was like the original selling point. Yeah.

Now Wikipedia is like the most reliable source you can have. It's so funny how things change. Isn't it crazy? Yeah. It used to be like, oh no, the New York Times is truth. Yeah. It was it the New York Times or the Washington Post? And now it's like...

Now it's Wikipedia. It's back. Yeah. It took it back. Now it's Reddit. Yeah. It is. There you go.

Except, yeah. Now it's 4chan. That's right. That was info wars.com. Actually, I popped on a little info wars before this just to see if there was something interesting. What is he going on? Was it a down episode? What do you mean?

Like, you're like just to see if there's anything interesting. Like, is it not crazy sometimes? I'm not an actual, because I am just like a normal person. I don't have to like, you know what I mean? Like check out Alex Jones. Yeah, I got to keep up the date on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to see what's going on.

Yeah, that's part of your career. Yeah, yeah. have to know exactly where Alex Jones is, what he's up to, what his thoughts are on things. The shape of his head. Whether he's bald, the beard's in, the beard's out. It's really interesting with him because my favorite are his sales, because he's just showing off different hats. Yeah.

He's talking about he has the MAGA hat that's black, but then the lettering's black. Or as I call it, the NAGA hat. What is that? No, come on. We're not even going to, no, just keep it. Keep it rolling. What are you talking about? You're talking about Elon Musk.

The black maga hat. Oh, okay. Okay, I see what you did there. It's him. It's always been there. You look like a super villain right now. You're just kind of channeling it a little bit. Just like piercing.

You're just grinning and your hoodie, it looks, he looks so mysterious right now. Yeah. I feel like I've hidden my identity enough where I just look like the evil Pete Holmes. Yeah. Inverse P apartments. But the fucking he was talking about, he's like, you could get it in black with white lettering

or you get it murdered out, which I didn't know that, isn't it like a... Murdered out? Yeah, that's hard. That's like a 5% tint type shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, you get the murdered out, black maga hat. And then he had, he had, uh...

In black air forces. Yeah, it was... The merch was so sick, dude. I was like, there was literally one that says fluoride in the water is killing people. It's a hat. you can wear this if you just want to start cool conversations of people. It's like who's wearing that?

To be honest, like, a lot of bars in the country, you walk in with that and you're going to make some male friends. Yeah, because I've always thought it was wild to wear your political views on you, but if you're going to a place where everybody agrees with you. Yeah, yeah, you're like, like, if you live in a redneck area and you wear a Trump shirt, you're not starting arguments. You're making

friends. Also, there's some things where if you have 9-11 was an inside job, you go anywhere. People are like, yeah, yeah, people are about that. Maybe not New York. I don't know. No, here too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just not Staten Island. Yeah, yeah. The stupid firefighters. I want to get like a dark. Italian Americans. I want to get a dark maga hat, but with like little blood trails on the side. Oh,

like where you shot in the ear. Would that be sick? Dude, that would be sick or with an ear. Yeah, I guess maybe like with half an ear, like a bloody ear. Yeah, just like some like kind of like little.

That would be. Or a bullet, like a cartoon bullet whizzing by. That would be kind of awesome. Like smoke. Like big. Yeah. Dude, they had one that said, what was it?

It was an Alex Jones shirt says, I heart Alex Jones. It's just that shirt. I'm like, that is such an, like our I heart New York, but just I heart Alex Jones. Yeah.

He is a state of mind. What? Because it was I heart New York. Oh, okay, okay. You guys voting for it. I'm not voting. I didn't vote for it. I already voted.

I voted on some props, some local stuff, some Burbank, California, local things. Oh, yeah? And then last. president blank and then just like slipped it in wow yeah you could do that people don't realize it's like yeah no if you don't you could just vote on other shit you could just allow the person

counting to this off listen jill stein honestly that's not on me at that point i'll just check my like public registration information later to find out i voted for kamala harris what if like since who didn't vote like the like CIA gets a hold of it and they're like we've found the most brilliant guy I picked all the correct options it was just a test they got to do the data

to find the guy that's picked every because there's got to be like one person where every ballot they've done like senator president or whatever

has been the one that won and they got to find him and just like ask him who's the next one yeah like wasn't there like an or her I don't know

wasn't there like an octopus with like Down syndrome that would like pick the Super Bowl winning team or something I don't. That's like a monkeys on a typewriter

kind of thing. Yeah, there's like a goat with HIV. It's like, Baa! RFK Jr. Yeah, that was so funny. I'm starting

that GARFK Jr. didn't even ever want to be president. He started out so reasonable. I mean, not really, because he started out with COVID, but that was so reasonable.

And then it just got crazier and crazier and crazier and crazier. The bear thing's hilarious, do? He just threw a dead bear bear. carcass and such a bro he well he everyone knows it's like when you have a backstory that's like

I used to be an addict I used to be crazy and now yeah people are like wow it's so powerful and then you hear the stories and all the shitty things you did it's like yeah I was a drug addict I was a piece of shit like he said that on day one he wants to get rid of fluoride in the drinking water which I'm like against

okay because I feel like I feel like my teeth have been awesome you know what you compare us to the UK you compare us to the UK we got better I don't go to the dentist. My teeth are always white. Yeah. They're always strong.

Mine too. We went to the dentist in Mexico. Yeah. Because I don't have health insurance. And I was like... Oh yeah, because you live in LA. How long does that take you? It's like three hours.

So it's 30 bucks to go to the dentist and get everything done where if you have no health insurance, you try to get that. They might not even fucking take you. Yeah. And they're like, okay, Mr. Paxon, time to give you your anesthesia. Well, they're... Bring in a donkey and it kicks you. Well, they're not, everyone speaks. It's like, this is for Americans.

It's that type of shit. Where it's like, you go in, everything else around you. So it's a horse that kicks you in. Not a donkey. It's a Clydesdale. Yeah, it was sick. It was a great weekend. People get like crazy fucking, what's it called there?

People get like crazy surgeries in Mexico. Yeah. I had so many people when I was there, they were like, how much to get your teeth pulled, how much to get blah, blah, blah, because so many people can't do that. that don't have health insurance and I'm like I don't know if you want to get a crazy surgery done there

yeah yeah but like I don't know if you need to get teeth pulled and it's like you might get an implant in America but the pulling it's like just go down there and have it out it's the same thing either way like I remember seeing an episode there's still doctors yeah

when I was a kid I saw an episode of monk and they went to Mexico and I guess like they were examining a dead body but they didn't since it was Mexico they didn't have like the the right stuff to like coat the body with so they could like smell it really bad so in the episode they all just put this little like uh they just rub this little like gel or something under their nose so they don't smell the body and i thought i'd love to get that for when i eat pussy yeah

it just always smells nice yeah yeah yeah yeah but you can just put the purpose because you gotta get the stank that's like part of it i will say this i don't like the stink of pussy i like well it's not the girls that you're That's like strangers that you got off the subway. I like the smell of pussy on my fingers afterwards because I'm like, that's fun. With the glasses. It is like getting a lollipop at the doctors.

You get to take it with you. Yeah. But the taste of actual pussy I'm not a fan of. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I've never found it to be. enjoyable to me. Yeah, yeah.

With my penis just sitting there. I just love my wife. I don't know what to say. I've never tasted an asshole that tasted bad, but... That seems like... Wait, you never tasted an asshole that tasted bad? Never once in my life. Since I was four years old.

Never tasted a single bad asshole. This is the first one I licked at Boy Scout Camp. Never once since then. That's such a crazy... I feel like here, especially it's like... You don't always have time. Like, if you're coming home with a girl from the bar, like she could have walked out two miles.

Dude, this girl said she'd been out since 11 a.m. Licked her bottle last night. Tasted like nothing. That is crazy. Mine is destroyed. Then I came home and I kissed Patty right on the mouth. Didn't even notice. I said, thank you.

I put my book down. Tell you what, these glasses are bringing it out of me. I was feeling kind of like half asleep. You put on some fucking steel. You guys were doubting me. And I was like, I just needed to, I needed to eight mile real quick. I had no doubts, zero doubts.

Yeah. We, my fear is I did somebody's podcast yesterday and the marathon was behind us. So people were cheering for us while we were podcasting. We just say so that they'd be like, yeah. We're like, oh, that's great. I will say it was funny to be out that night and see someone just like drinking at a bar chilling. But with a metal around their neck, like a goal, like they're the chillest one there and they won an award for it or something. When they don't look that tired

and they're just like drinking and talking smoking a cigarette with a metal around their day. Yeah. You heard about the Chinese guy who got like not a row. Smoked a whole pack of cigarettes. Yeah, this is also how my uncle starts jokes, but can you explain this? Yeah, you heard that Chinese.

Did you hear about the Chinese guy who ran the marathon? The Chinese guy who was smoking. Yeah, no, that's amazing. That is pretty amazing. I think you shouldn't be like, you should get another metal. You know, you should have like another metal. Yeah, they should have a smokers run and a non-smokers run.

They should. Yeah, yeah. And the smokers run, they go out first. Yeah, yeah. And then the non-one cardboard. Yeah. Because it's like all these like nerds who train for a marathon and they got like the salt packets and the liquid IV and like the bottle strapped to their running gear. Right.

And that they bought all like right before starting to train. Yeah, exactly. It's like you, of course you're going to run a marathon. You're like I broke into tech sales in Manhattan. I can win a marathon. Exactly. I can wear these shorts. It's like they have all the gear.

That's cool at all, but you should be able to endure the elements of the marathon. It should be a real in New York City Marathon where you've got to run through human shit. You got to like dodge inner city teenagers. You got to run to catch trains. Yeah.

I'm going to throw a bucket of blood on someone to protest like something about clothes. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they should do. I don't know. There's something where I really not only do I not respect marathon runners

I disrespect me there's something about I'm like you this is what you did with your time yeah yeah you could have I don't you just could have done something not that I'm productive at all but I'm like you could have whacked off so much in that time you're running you could have podcast it

yeah yeah yeah you could have I don't know there's just in my mind I'm like it's such a I don't know I ran a half marathon but that's that's where that's just I was in religious camp and they were like mind over matter and I came in 69th place. And, man, it's really funny when just, when you come that late in a marriage,

it was, even then I was like 15, I was like, this is so condescending. Everybody being like, you did it. You ran. Oh, boy, you're a hero. I'm like, there's like an old fat lady like lapping me right now. She's already ran this half marathon nine times.

Yeah. And they put the thing on you, right? Because you're cold after you ran for 20 years. Just like I was like assaulted or something. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's very, I didn't like it. all. I'm never doing it again. Yeah, a real, it's like, in a, if you, I would only be, I would be impressed if you ran a

marathon or a half marathon just on your own and didn't get like a medal and praise in like an Instagram post from it. Yeah, I, I'm, I just ran 13 miles. I'm impressed if you stood in your backyard and ran in circles for 26 miles. There is, there is in New York. There's an ultra marathon that's like 500 miles, but it's not through, it's literally like a basketball court and everyone runs around it. That's for 500 miles. And it's like a, it's like so hard because so many people give up because it's not like running through the desert or anything.

Yeah. You just go around and like people are playing basketball and like it's all day. I think that would almost drive me crazier though if there's just less scenic route. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. That's why it's so much harder. Yeah. But you would drive you crazy if it was scenic?

Less scenic. Oh yeah. Like he's running around a track. Like this mountain, it was like mountainous and stuff like that. There was one cocky. I hate this guy, though. He's just bragging. He's like the, first off,

it's like a half marathon. It's like it's probably for charity. I don't remember why I did it. I mean, I did it because I was a religious camp and they were doing stuff. But it was very much like the fucking guy, I remember hearing a guy brag about it.

He's like, yeah, man, he's lower elevation people. They have no idea what they're in for. You're the biggest fucking douche on the planet. Yeah. When you go to Denver and people are like, well, can you handle it? Can you fucking?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you get hammered and you're like, wait, maybe I can't handle it. Yeah, yeah. Denver, I never realized how dehydrated you get in Denver. Yeah. Like when I went, I was just chugging water the entire time and everything was dry. Yeah.

Like I took a piss and a shit came out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was pretty funny. A little yellow shit. Yeah. Just a yellow diarrhea shit out of the front of your penis. And it's just scorching hot for some reason. Just like when you're at the end of a fucking up with cream can, it just kind of

it comes out like that That's like, isn't that like what guys, like young boys when they try to come? Isn't that what it's like? No, it comes out as a tear. Or if you just do it too many times. You can get there as an adult. Oh, I've gotten there as an adult.

To blanks? To blanks. Wow. Basically blanks. That's when you check into rehab. Yeah, for jerking off too much. Is there a sex rehab if you're a sex addict? Yeah, this guy.

For sure. Usually they go hand in hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. There's not a lot of sex. You'll be there. We're actually going to drop you off. God, I would love that lore going around about me. Yeah.

We had to check him into getting a pussy academy. With the wounds of Christ. Yeah, it's always something. Yeah, the one thing with about the fucking, but how does that work, though? Is it like, because, I don't know, I guess you're just, I don't know, because, like, the whole point of rehab is it dries you up.

Do they do stuff to your penis to make sure you don't touch it too much? I know, right? That would be jerk off central to be in rehab anyways. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, do they take it away and like lock it up?

They put like some sort of like chastity belt on you maybe, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. They put it in the restricted section of Hogwarts. Yeah. The other thing I was going to say about the fucking elevation thing is I think too many people use elevation as excuse. I think there's guys you get like a DUI

and they're like, I didn't know the elevation here. We had a friend at a wedding who were like, I watched drink all. all fucking morning. Yeah. They got drunk the night before, and then he, like, was, like, fucking taking his shirt off

at a rehearsal dinner for a wedding and was like, dude. Not good. Elevation is what's going on. Yeah, that's, it's kind of funny because, like, the taller people can technically drink more, right? Right.

But they're higher, they have more elevation. That's what I would. So maybe it's a myth. All this elevation, nonsense. Well, the earth is flat. So let's just get that out of the way.

Let's get out of the way. There's no way. Elevation doesn't even exist. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, if the earth wasn't flat,

Alan Fitzgerald would be just rolling. Yeah. I didn't get to see him while I saw a couple. Yeah, that's been the funniest thing for him because he's heard everybody in this podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He knows all these people, but they don't know him. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So I'll meet him or just see him on the wall at the grizzly pair. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Eli Habba. He was, like, looking past the people who have, like, actual TV credits.

He's like, Graham Cooper. Yeah. Yeah. This is season three of Morning Good Podcast. Yeah. You should have showed up with like a, like, a Disney World book to like get everyone's autograph. Yeah, even at Williamsburg or something, I was looking at the lineup on the wall. And it was like, to be fair, it was Kevin Ryan was on like the end of it.

Right. But I was like, oh my God, stacked lineup. It's like, no. It's just I know my friends. To me, it's like, I know all these names. That's cool. Yeah. Is there anybody who.

who's different than you. Oh, you thought Patty was gonna be shorter. I thought Patty, yeah, I thought Patty was just like going to be a cute little dumpling. Nope. Big, scary, angry man. I walk around just lording myself.

Yeah, you're real intimidating to me. Yeah, people think I'm like a nice guy. A nice racist guy. Well, I will say this. Off of this podcast, I've never once heard Patty say a race. It's something this microphone gets me.

I know, right? We're having a nice conversation. I just shouted into a my pillow. It's the best place to do that. It's like a sploof, those things where you could smoke pot. You're like, were you being racist? No, no, no, no, no, no.

You yell the N-word in, Black Lives Matter comes out. Yeah, your show the opposite of other people are like so... So racist off the podcast. You're like, I'm only racist in my digital. footprint. Only where it matters. Yeah. But that was fun doing Joe's because he made me really uncomfortable

the last one. So I was on his, like, oh, I'll be here for the bid. I don't know any of these listeners. I'll go in for this. Yeah. It was, but it still goes. That's how you should have led with just accusing him of cheating on his girlfriend. Yeah.

Because that's the, because was she like, they live together? That's what you should have. It's so funny because the girlfriend's so sweet. Yeah. He's just saying the craziest shit. He's like, so Michael, if you were going to chop up a dead body, would you cut off her tits first or her pussy?

And he's just like, his girlfriend's just like, do you guys want water? And it's just the funniest thing. I feel like that was, that could have been the only way you get back at him to because not even like saying that, but just being like, oh, we won't talk about that. Yeah, yeah, really gone. Oh, my bad stuff.

I shouldn't have said anything. Is she here? Yeah. But he's so for the bit. It's like that guy, every single thing he says is a joke. So it's like, I think he might hate it. me then because he's always so nice to me. I'm like, well, it's always the opposite day

with Joe Gorman that he fucking hates me. Yeah. Yeah, you just got to roll with it and just know that you're at the whim of him. Oh, yeah. I also, I love guys whose girlfriends are taller than him. I got a real cool thing for like just, I don't know, yeah. But you and I were talking about this because you're

5-8, I'm 5-10. I mean to say it like that, but you know, you're a little short to me, you know, I'm good. Yeah, my friend Reed has like a very tall, beautiful girlfriend, like, just a like, Amazonian type of woman. Yeah. And they're a great couple.

He rides a motorcycle and she'll go behind him. She'll push it for him. This is him. He's in the sidecar. Pretend this mic is him. Like it looks like this. It's like... That's awesome.

Her feet are dragging on the ground. She's pushing. She's riding it like... She's got him on the handlebar. Yeah. Yeah, that's always fun. Yeah, I matched with a 6-9 woman who has not gotten back to me, but I'm like, I so want to just... You match it with Takashi 6-9?

Yeah, yeah, it's Takashi 6-9. Was it Angel Reese? Who's this? That's what I said, too. Basketball player, WNBA. Never heard of it? No. He didn't get it when I said the joke, like, literally last night.

Do you think I watch sports? No, but I don't... Does anyone watch the WNBA? Yeah, I don't know that. That is not sports. I know her because she's the woman who punches Caitlin Clark. Oh, yeah, I know her. I just know the beef.

I don't know the actual Yeah, people I don't know what I love whenever the podcast gets good I have to check the volumes Like we better have fucking caught that goal Speaking of beef Did you see Kamala Harris's black pussy

Was on SNL? Bush Best transition in all of a Oh beef Yeah Yeah I didn't watch the episode I didn't but I saw Chapel Rhone

Our new favorite artist in his house Bro I fucking love Chapo unanimously He doesn't like like her, but unanimously. I don't know who that is. Chapele. At the pink bono.

Oh, that girl? Yeah. Yeah, I'm out. I didn't get it until being. I didn't get it until two days ago. She's literally my favorite musician now. I've just fully, this is my favorite song. Really?

We're just hammered at karaoke. Like, H-O-T-T-O-T-O-T-O-T-O. We didn't know that song until before. Next thing you know, we're doing, it's basically the YMCA is that song, Hot to it's like, ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and it's so funny. And then all the girls in the bar are like, oh, my God, like, you guys are doing it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was that, you got to at once come out to Boho karaoke. That was so much fun. Yeah. It's so much fun, dude. Do they have even flow? Oh, they have everything. You say that, randomly they just won't have songs that are awesome, yeah. Yeah, they had old country media.

They had shit that I didn't think they would. They didn't have homesweet home. They got to have even flow as a class, like any pearl jam is a classic. Yeah, if they don't have even flow, that's the only song I'll sing. I like email them to try to get crazy bitch by Buck Cherry on there, but they're not going to take cards there. So I'm like, they're not going to answer the emails about me one of the song on here. Buck Cherry is the guy with like four dicks and two pussies, right? Yes.

What's going on with him? Her? You're thinking Buck Angel. Buck Angel. Buck Angel. Buck Angel is the one who made the song Johnny Be Good. Right? What?

No. Chuck Barry? I'm just fucking funny. yeah yeah well i think that's buck buck cherry's a play on words buck cherry chuck berry yeah yeah oh really wow with you all not

that was my favorite that's my favorite it was a simple little thing but what he was really saying is who gives a fuck no no no no he said oh really but he was saying hey how but you keep it going bitch i guess i'm saying i care too much i'm saying i care too much Watch. You?

Yeah. Yes. You're always... I will say it's better without Jake sitting right there because I have... It intimidates me every time. Having jokes flop and then look at him. Oh, my God. A live audience is my least favorite.

It literally feels like when you're doing homework and you're like dad or like whoever's like looking over your shoulder. Yeah. And you're like, let me just... I'm going to figure it out on my own. Just let me do it. Yeah. And then I won't ever.

That's really good after. That hit me. a spot I did not like Can you say it to me too? There's something about me that like I don't know what it is I really hate being patronized but you know in some ways I do I really like

when people don't expect a lot out of me Yeah like when the bill comes around they're like Oh he's really poor we're gonna cover most god Thank God and I hate when people are like I don't want to make him feel like You know just because I'm making more money than him That he can't get the bill or something I'm like If you're making double what I'm making

Yeah we both know it and also you have sex with me after the dinner. I'm aware of all the rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I won't be offended. All my friends are trying to, we're trying to, like, lock down rider cup tickets for this year's rider cup. What is the, what the fuck is? It's like, USA versus Europe and golf, and it's, like, the biggest golf event.

Like, it's like the Olympics of golf. It's, like, crazy. And, uh, it's in New York this next year. And we all signed up for a lottery separately, and we all got accepted into the lot of the lot of the but the tickets are $750 for one day damn per person so it's

like I don't know I just like Bonneroo it is yeah it's like crazy to watch people golf yeah to watch people but you should do it though I don't think you like like it's show it seems like you spend a lot of money I do if I spend money it's on like like computer stuff or like yeah camera news

from bed stuff but I just want to see you I want to see you happy I want to see you happy I want to but that's the thing is I don't know if I'll go there and be like, like 10 minutes go by, I'm like $2.58 and 30. I don't want to be like

worrying that I'm not getting the bang for my buck. That's so much better than me who just justifies retarded purchases on a daily basis. Like, no, no, I should have boosted myself on the dating app and I should have, like, ordered your rates, and I should have bought the most expensive vodka.

It did make me laugh when you were like, like, not too long ago, you were like, I have $5 in my bank account. And then the next day was Halloween. you're like, I just got to run to spirit Halloween. I'm like, no, you know, you're 20 years old. The amount of money, probably lifetime. You probably spent like six figures lifetime on a Halloween.

Oh, 100%. Even in like at FSU, you would like, there was like a, like a cloth that, like, play clothes Halloween, like year-round Halloween store basically. Yeah. And he would like run up a check at. Yeah, yeah. I got to get a very serious like fucking centaur costume. It's like $4,000.

Like, it'll be worth it. Like, cosplay quality. The funny part two is like, I'm like, well, you know, I have to wear this because I'm going to a bunch of comedy clubs tonight and this is all networking. So this is money that's going to make itself back. And if I dress up as a king, they'll think that I... Yeah. I can't have a cheap costume. I'll look like a fucking loser. Yeah. Yeah. It was really funny too because I was like, yeah, I was dressed as a priest and then randomly I was doing stand-up and randomly a joke would bomb and then you just randomly feel so stupid because you remember that you. you're dressed up in a costume. Like, you forgot. That's when you should have just memorized Bible verses or... I started with an Irish accent, realized I couldn't do an Irish accent.

Dropped an Irish accent. They told me to go back to the Irish accent. I pandered into it. Yeah. And then it was just Indian by the end of it. Yeah, by the end of it, yeah, just didn't make any... But it was really fucking fun, but I was just talking about fingers in my butt as an Irish priest. And then randomly it just went off the rails for a second.

And then, yeah, there was something else. But, yeah, initially there was a muscle suit and a priest suit. So I was like, I'm going to be a jacked priest. That'd be nice. And then in my mind, I was like, too, I should have just done a full Guido priest. Like, I should have gotten diamond earrings. Yeah, it spiked your hair up. Yeah, yeah.

Would you guys do SNL if you got the choice, the option? Why would I not? Why would I be given the choice? Yeah, yeah. I'm also not a comedian. Yeah, 100% why? I don't know. You don't think you would?

I don't know if I would. I like denying opportunities. weren't giving me to. I would not be in the new Star Wars. It's a little too woke for me. Because it would be cooler to be like, they asked me to do SNL and I said no. Oh, I have fantasies about that.

They're like, do fowling. You're telling me I can't say fucking retard. That's, yeah, that's cooler than being on SNL. Totally, totally. If you're on SNL, everyone's just going to be like, this sketch was stolen, this sucks.

Yeah, yeah. Honestly, yeah. Shane Gillis probably would have had a worse career on SNL than... Oh, I agree that. He also turned down being Trump for like the remainder of the election cycle. It would have been like... It's gotten old.

It's like... Yeah. It would have been like eight episodes of him on SNL being... Oh, they asked him to do it like for the rest of that, yeah. Yeah. And he said no. Also the other, the other guy they have that does the Trump is great. It's not bad.

Yeah, he does a good job. Yeah. Trump's not a tough impression to do. Yeah, but so many people do it bad. Yeah. It's weird. Because they don't have like the comedic instinct to do it. Yeah.

can do the voice and everything, but you gotta have that, like, kind of doesn't give a shit Trump attitude. Yeah. I'm just mad, somebody needs to do a good Joe Rogan impression. That he's almost as famous as a politician. Why isn't there some people doing good Joe Rogo? Besides Tim Hydecker's one is fucking incredible.

Oh, he does a good one. You haven't heard that podcast? Oh, I've seen that, but it's not like... Tim Dillon does the worst one pot that doesn't even sound like him at all. It was like half of his special. It was just going... Oh, huh, man. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, he does like a Mickey Mouse voice. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I wish I was... I don't even know. Sam Tripoli? That's mine.

Sam, Sam, Tripoli? Well, there's, let me try to do it. There's something that gets kind of higher

with certain things. Like, oh, yeah. Like, kind of, like, strange. I'm just so scared

to make fun of Joe Rogan. Guys, stop. You know, he's more kind of like, you, I, he did put on,

like, a lot of comic. Like, I mean, how do you even, How do you even mock somebody who just sounds like a regular guy? That's interesting.

I'd like to take a look at that. I'd like to like capture Joe Rogan and just tell people I have Joe Rogan. But then also like surgically attach fins and gills to him. With the glasses this is really fitting. You do look like a head scientist.

Is that Justin Long movie? Tusk? Tusk. Is that what's about? What's it about? It's about Joe Rogan. No, no, no, no. No, but he's like weird medical.

Yeah, yeah. He, like, a guy gets kidnapped and slowly turned into a walrus. Oh, that stuff disturbs me. That's exactly what I was thinking of. That's exactly what you're talking about. Wow. Kevin, Kevin Smith. Hey, buddy, same thing with me.

Everything I think is a fun idea. People are like, nope, that's been done before. But that's her, I always take it as a compliment. Because I'm like, that sounds like a great movie. There's something that really deep. It's not that. It's all right. It's something that deeply just, you know what?

It's not intentional, but I am doing the most foot fetishy stuff right now. You are such a fucking little whore. I literally just put my feet up here. I'm literally like twisting my toes within each other. I'm like, I didn't even think about that. I fucking, I told him I had a panic attack. Like one of the first, when we started to get the foot fetish traffic, I was like, I took an edible and I just like edited the podcast. And I was like uploading the thumbnail.

And I was looking at it. And I'm like, what are we doing? This is fucking disgusting. Is this the grossest shit? And I'm like, am I just like pimping out my buddy? Yeah. Yeah, because I didn't really know you were doing it the first one, I think. Well, I know.

The first one was totally on accident. Yeah. When we got into the thing. And then I look back on it and you have this like shy look on your face and the foot's right. And you got like something on your foot. Yeah. Like a little piece of toilet paper or something. That's the same as like an Oreo on a breast.

It's so fucking gross. I can't. God, I want to eat that Lynn out of his toes. Because I get so happy with the numbers and I check the comments and it's like, give me that sock. Yeah, you cannot get high and think about who's watching the podcast. I've learned about it. Well, but dude, Zach Russell looked at it.

He said it's 50-50. I feel like he's just bullshitting you, dude. Yeah, how does he know? He looked, he pulled up a thing and I was like, yeah, this looks accurate. Of your podcast? He pulled on it on your YouTube and he goes, this is 50% of the traffic. is from this playlist, 50% of the traffic for that, like, one episode or something?

To be fair, I guess he doesn't know the people that just see the thumbnail. You're like, yeah, but then it's the algorithm is the other 50% and that's all the guys, too. Yeah, look. Don't stop watching. I'm not saying stop watching. I had a guy came out to a show the other night from the podcast. That's awesome. And he was a gay man, so I'm

hoping he was a foot guy that got converted to, not to straight now. I'd be still gay, but I hope he likes my comedy as well. Yeah. He gave me a nice compliment. I was like, oh, thanks for coming out, man, appreciate it. Sweet. Yeah. They are probably like the coolest, most normal people. And this is just something that they're doing on that.

I'm trying to come back to. Try to come back in the last episode. Halfway three. I'm like, wait a minute. This is our, this is our bread and butter right here. Yeah. Exactly. Well, let me pop these off. What am I fucking doing? I'm going to go ahead and say that they are normal people, but the YouTube for some reason is their realm for dirtiness. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's probably, I mean, the shit other people beat off to. You know what I should say?

I should say the kind of shit that like, OnlyFans Model Sand podcast. I'm like, no, there's big time CEOs that are jerking off to Morgan. They're all closet. There's always somebody like, yeah, there's a lot of NFL players actually that jerk off to this podcast. You know, that's always a thing. There's always like an Onlyfans girl. She's like, yeah, I've had sex with Morgan Freeman 19 times. You're like, first off, you would have definitely made you sign something.

Yeah. Yeah. Now, we, I heard Monica Lewinsky listens to this podcast. I hope so, man. They also seem like the kind of guys that like to be talked down to a little bit. There is a little like master slave thing in the comment sometimes. Well, if you're down by the feet, you know, you already aren't all four of it. Yeah, yeah.

Where sometimes they'll be like, master, step on me. Yeah. You know, my white overlords. I didn't see that. Yeah, they do. There's some race things that come in there. There's some weird race matrix. I have not checking the comments, I guess.

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. I'll get like, you know Joe Rogan's always like you can't look at. comments, but it's really just because it's all dudes that are triggered off. That's why he stopped looking at the comments. There's no negative comments on my this stuff. It's just dudes coming. He's just acquired an audience of people like attracted to his

neck. They're like, God, I want to just put his whole head in my ass. This dimple of a head. My favorite also, when we done Thomas Selly's podcast, I have you told a picture. We were joking about how you do like a movie kiss.

and Tomaselli's like, oh, you lean in like she's like one guy's in front of it. And so now the thumbnail for the podcast looks like me and him kissing. Wow. And like people already did that. That's because you got to capture those moments. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

People already today like, so you kiss guys now? What's going on? I'm like, oh, did anybody with that? Oh, yeah, yeah. Spencer, who cares? He threw me in a group chat. He's like, hey, do you kiss guys now? What's going on?

I was like, well, it's a funny picture. Yeah. And maybe. That sounds like he kisses guys. He's changed if he doesn't get that. By the, no, that sounds like he's kissing guys secretly. Yeah. So you are you kissed guys?

Yeah. And one of those guys like kissing me? He's like, who are these other guys in the group chat? It's like Smoochy Jones. It just immediately removes you. Oh, shit. Oh, that was a joke. Don't fucking tell anybody.

That was a bit sorry. I don't know what closet homosexuality just continues to be the whole. It's the funniest thing of the planet. It is funny. I don't know what other thing. Like, what is it? Alterier motives are just always funny. Like when somebody is lying about why they want the thing.

Yeah, or just the idea of a guy that's married, but he keeps on going to, like, random trips to Vermont with, like, buddies and stuff like that. Yeah. Could you imagine just getting ass fucked for, like, a weekend? And then you just come on. Go back to your wife. What's cooking? That would be awesome if you could do it guilt-free.

You just had just fucking some crazy leather sex orgy. And then you get to go back to your house and you're like, you know what? I heard there's a new Pinocchio movie that came out. You just watched that. You're like, best of both worlds, baby. Babe, I'm tired. I mean, really, like when you look at it, it's like everybody's like, oh, well, you'd be in a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship.

A guilt-free cheating relationship might be one of the most powerful, perfect lives. If you can get past. For you, yeah, for you. If you don't have the guilt. If she never finds out, I don't, it's bad, you should never do it. But if she never finds out, does it, like, it's interesting. Yeah. It's like, if, if you could guarantee, if God's, like, you could, I don't know, I don't know, it's interesting.

Wait, what about you double it? She's also cheating, but has no, that you guys just never find out each other cheating. Isn't that? Just, listen, I'm a, I'm a faith. You guys are too lover, but I, too, I've never cheated in my life. No, you are, yeah, people would think that you're a cheater to me. Not really not. She's a big yapper.

Yeah. Yeah, people would think that I'm a cheater, but I have extreme guilt. Yeah. I can't do anything that, uh, yeah. Yeah, it's just crazy because it's like, I get so much anxiety about just, you know, whatever, name it. But just think of it's like, oh, like my dad's dad abandoned him. It's like, imagine like abandoning a child.

Yeah. It's so wild. They're like beating your wife and having another family and like cheating on it. It's like, yeah. Do you think when you abandon your child, you just, do you think about it every day? randomly you're like, oh yeah. I do have a kid. Yeah.

You probably like check like the list of who's a rock star. Yeah. Okay. Still not yet. Yeah. It's going to happen because you got to be ready for your son, like whatever to be the most successful thing ever. That seems to me.

Defensive linemen or something like that. Yeah. Or just like some guy who shoots up a 7-Eleven. That's my boy. That's why I didn't fucking raise it. Yeah. I knew he was fucking weird. I got out of there before.

Yeah. There was something fucking weird about that kid. His mother was a bitch, too. That's always the funny thing when they do like a Ted Bundy interview. And they're like his parents said that like, you know, nothing they were just great parents. It's like, yeah, obviously they're going to lie or so I don't know. Yeah. But did he say that too?

Was he also like they were cool as hell? What, Ted Bundy? Yeah. Why are you asking me? I don't know. Okay, I don't know. Thank you. Ted, but yeah, I don't know much about Ted Bundy other than the raping and the killing.

Yeah. Yeah, I know a lot about that. Yeah. That's the only, I don't know what his interests are. Go Seminoles. Oh, yeah. He murdered and raped at our school. The hottest chicks.

That literally is. Bro, bro, dude. This college is so lit. People come here to rape. Yeah. From out of state. People come here to murder and rape. They pay extra intuition.

Yeah, that's, that's kind of true. Like, he did really pick, like, the best. school place to murder I swear to God somebody fucking brings up Arizona State has the hottest girls how many of them get murdered? I've also never been there so I'd imagine it's a little dry

down there. Oh yeah Arizona you know Yeah we got the humidity to the fucking tropical pussy. To moisten it up yeah Yeah yeah Get the gears moving Fucking glide in there

Not to mention they're horrors Stone cold horrors Yeah No that was I mean What a just phenomenal place on earth We had different experiences. Oh, yeah, yeah, you got, like, arrested. Yeah, my Tallahassee experience was not this.

I had to, like, actually work jobs. You're like, oh, dude, college was the best. Yeah, because you were dressing up, like, Ben Franklin is getting pussy in a fraternity. Yeah, you're, like, shoveling coal. Basically. And going to jail. My jobs are also hilarious.

Like, I worked in the sandwich shop, which is so fucking easy. Then the next job was, like, fucking, like, I worked in the call center for the university, raised, I think, I think I literally raised zero dollars. Yeah, because you're cold calling. And Carney was my boss, which is so funny.

And he was just like, yeah, you know, we've just been talking about it. You got to pick it up. And I'm just like, how about you fucking shut up? Yeah. You haven't even open for Tim Dillon yet. I don't have to value our friendship more. But, uh, well, he used to be less valuable. Now he's more valuable.

Correct. He has a big followers. Now, me and Garney. Now I respond immediately to text messages. Messages. Before, I would tell them things that, you know, I've talked down to him. Now it's, yes, yes, yes, sir. Yes, Master. But, yeah, that job, but yeah, raised no money. I would go in just like, one time I went in so drunk. I remember I had to have my ex-girlfriend draw me off. And I should just say, girl, it's really confusing when I tell stories. Because that now sounds like I called up an ex-girlfriend. I'm drunk. Can you drive me to the hall center? Say girlfriend at the time. Girlfriend at the time. Yeah. G-G-A-T. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. The cat with the whack.

Okay. Yeah. It's funny that that job, it's so, you're never going to do, because you're calling 25-year-olds and being like, hey, you know you have student debt? Do you want to give money to the college that you just graduated? Oh, those calls are so funny. People be like, fuck you. I drunkenly donated $1 just because I used to work there one time.

I was like, you get $1 because I'm fucking hammered right now. I used to do your job. you guys should do is play this game. You get a fucking dictionary, you flip it open, you point to a word. You got to use that word on the call. That's what we would do. Oh, that's a fun one. But then we had one where you have to use a phrase. Like super troopers or something? Yeah, yeah. We had to use one that was

we made a phrase that even a platypus lays an egg every once in a while. And you'd have to use that in the conversations. So like I had one where we were talking about it. We recently invested in a safety trail for people in case of emergency situations, you know. It's pretty safe campus. But even once every once a while, you know, a platypus lays an egg.

As in someone gets raped Yeah, yeah, basically. That does sound bad. You gotta crack a few eggs to make an omel. Laying an egg is typically like phrase for like bombing or like fucking something up. Yeah.

It's usually a dark metaphor. Yeah, it's like scoring zero points. Yeah, yeah. In the NBA or something. Well, then the next job is the best being an Uber driver because I'd go game days. I'd drive for like two hours, make like fucking 200 bucks

and then just get fucked up all day. Back in the golden era of Uber. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They didn't have to be a real company yet. Yeah, where you didn't have to be like an Indian guy. Now you got to be Indian. It's required.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. They spray you brown if you. They bronze. Yeah. There's an Uber factory. That's also a New York thing. They just work harder than you guys.

Yeah. There's still white people driving Uber's in other places. Yeah. When I went to Denver, it's just like somebody's mom drove us around. Yeah. They're like, oh, you guys are in town. They just started or something. Yeah.

They're like, well, we're empty nester. So, yeah, so I'm just driving. And they like, like, in that moment, like, you're their children. It's kind of nice. I love that feeling. But I also do kind of like the Indian guy who's like, no, fuck are you. Fucker you. He's just running people over.

Yeah. The intensity of cap and Uber driver, which is so fucking nuts. To get you to like a dairy queen in the middle of the day. Yeah, the one I took from the airport to get over here, the guy's honking for fucking no reason. Yeah. The honk is like a utility in New York. It's like an extra button on your Xbox controller. Yeah.

Which is great when you're right by a four-way intersection right there and you just wake up to that. Yeah, you just wake up to a semi-truck just laying on the horn because nobody's moving. Yeah. It's nice. Yeah, as if the end of that is like something that's fixable. It's not like there's just one guy on his phone.

It's like, oh, I guess I should move. It's like, I don't know. There's a dead. 17 guys on their phone. They're trying to get off with a shovel. Yeah. Yeah, man. Have you seen somebody die?

Um, no, I don't think so. I have a friend she saw. Who did you see die? Uh, fucking on the way, on the way to Burgers and Beats, this actual show in L.A. Where I'm literally playing the show and I'm driving and I see a fucking, uh, motorcyclist. You know how they split the lanes? And so he's splitting the lanes to, like, time the green light. And he catches the green light.

But then someone else runs the red light on the other side. He just meets him in the middle and just Why don't you just meet me? Why don't you just meet me? Yeah, dead. And then, like, everyone got out of the car. He's like, water. And then just, like, dies.

It's like, the most traumatic thing. I had to, like. He has for water. That's interesting. And then I just pull up and I'm, and everyone's like, what's up, man? And I'm like, I just fucking watch somebody die. That's hard to shake.

Yeah, I thought I saw a guy dying, but he was just on fentanyl. and then they like, you know, kind of got them little. Yeah, and they're like probably seeing dead people like under boxes and stuff. There is sometimes you see somebody strung out and you're like, how long have they been like that? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't think, I just walk past with my headphones in, but somebody probably feels that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just take whatever's in my pocket. I just take their shoes and dip. Yeah, yeah. It would be kind of fun to take a homeless guy on fentanyl and then just put him in like a roller coat. Coaster. He just wakes up. He just rips the bar.

Weekend at Bernie style. Is this my grandpa? With those sunglasses? I think I've said it before, but James Donlin, who you probably know. Oh, I know him very well. Oh, by the way, Pax has produced just anybody has we have no, we've gotten this far.

They probably know. Well, the real fans know. Yeah. The feet guys don't know me yet. Yeah. But James had the funniest... He had the funniest thing for... He said if I ever, like, die and I can plan it out,

like, or, like, if I commit suicide, like, what I would do is go to a chilies and, like, order the sizzling fajitas. And before it comes out, you die. So you're just, like, in the booth with, like, sunglasses. And they come out and they're like, happy birthday! And there's, like, a whole thing,

and you're just in the booth. That would be... It's so good. Just a bunch of chills. Just like Loki and needle in your arm. He's a little bashful.

Come on time to get on the seat. You gotta get on the seat. It's just better when they go away. It's just like left sizzling. Yeah, that's a good one. I get a lot of laughs from that. Have either of you guys almost died? I think so

yes yeah there was a time I was driving a car and something flew off of it was like some weird like wooden thing flew off of a car in front of me and smashed into my windshield and I was on like the throughway so I was going like 70 and there was a piece of wood that was like snapped

with like a sharp end that was just over my shoulder oh god I was like oh my god that could have just went right into my head Wait, wait, wait. You're saying it went through your windshield? Yeah. That's fucking insane. That's final destination. Like, most of the windshield was cracked, but there was a hole with a piece of wood that was just through, and it was like over my shoulder. Oh, my God.

And, like, I freaked out. It was like my entire life, like, flash before my eyes. That's why you take no moment for granted now. Yeah, that's why I play Call the Duty Blackup at 2 a.m. That is fucking crazy. Because I'm going to go back and get whoever it was. I need to learn how to use all the guns That's slide

That's so terrifying, dude Yeah, it was scary I had that I think I had another one But I probably can't even remember it I had one in a fucking lame I was on It's either a kneeboard or an intertube

And I got like stuck in a way That I was like tied up in a rope And Mr. Clayton was driving in I was like basically just going underwater Yeah And people just weren't spot Sometimes with water People think you're just having fun

Yeah Did I talk about it in the last episode I almost died in that car? Yeah, you did? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, in a hot car. Oh, my God, dude. Everybody thinks I'm having fun all the time.

They're like, oh, my's pulling a prank. Yeah. Yeah, you got to be careful when you're silly all the time. Yeah. You're dying and people are nice ones. Yeah, no one's going to, the boy who cried, I'm dying. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's that.

There was the fucking blue shoes and the poppers thing. Yeah, you know, like. I didn't know. It wasn't like gnawing off or anything. But yeah, yeah. That just sounds like you're trying to fuck yourself in the ass. It's trying to tuck it back. You know what it's so tough?

I've talked about this a lot of times. I cannot find that video of the guy shitting his dick and balls out of his asshole. The cleanest thing I've ever. You know what? Can you leave it in the comments? Honestly, if you're listening, please leave it in the comments.

What's that? Not that video, the other video of the guy shitting his dick and balls out of his ass. There's probably a couple. So you got to be. It was on. Taj Pointer's, I think. He's standing in a doorway, which is even better. And he's got, there's not

a hair. His skin is like smooth, there's no hair. Have you seen this? I'm like, I would operate on his body. It's so clean. Everything is so clean. I've never seen this. Dude, I'm telling you, he's like, he's like, standing in a doorway. I'm not on TikTok. Yeah, it's like one foot, he's like hovering above the ground. Yeah. So it's like, his hands

are on each side of the wall, and his feet are on each other wall. And then you're like, what is going on? What is that genital? I've never seen that before. Balls fall out. Dick falls out of his own ass. And he's got huge balls and a big dick. It doesn't make any sense. You have to. Have it fucking go up. Probably a big asshole, too.

Probably. Yeah, my, my dick's not reaching my asshole. No, I think I tried on your, not your... I tried in your bed. This week on News from Ben, Michael puts his dick in his own ass. Yeah, it's so wild. But the balls

do need to go first. That is correct. Yeah. I guess you got to try your balls first. Yeah. I don't have long That seems painful. Yeah. When they start to drop more. At Lake Highland, there's a video of him sucking his own dick. What?

No way. Yeah, dude, there's a video of him sucking his own dick. I mean, apparently, you know what? I've never seen it, so maybe it's not real. But that was the guy's reputation in high school. I guess sucked his own dick. But he still got a bunch of chicks. But, you know.

That would, yeah. Did you ever have a kid who whacked off in class? In class. Yeah. We didn't have a lot of, like, special needs people in our situation. Yeah, we have one, like, Mexican guy who was not special needs, but he whacked off in class. Well, he's special needs if he walked off. Yeah, I guess it is a special need.

He probably was misdiagnosed. Yeah, it's probably just a cultural thing. But everyone called him Spanky McJam Hands for the rest of them. And then he dropped out of school. Yeah, I would, I would too. I definitely, I haven't jerked off to completion in class, but there are, I do remember times where it's like, your dick is just rock hard for every reason. and you're just like this. You know what he's funny, dude,

there's always the new kid who all the girls have a big crush on. They're like, he moved from a different school. Yeah. That guy probably moved because a dog looked peanut around his balls.

Yeah. He probably moved because his penis was so small. They didn't allow it in the school. They put him in a special needs trailer just for having the smallest dick with the retarded kids. We have the biggest dick,

but you know, it's still a disability. They're like, he needs to be around retarded kids to teach him to have a bigger penis. He's learning. from that. His penis

over time will learn. And it's like the Tarzan and the ape like there's him touching his little

penis to a giant retarding his penis. We always I want to be like the strangers like avatar. I want to know

can you show me I want to know can you tell me. I want to have a penis like you. This is our way. The way of our people. Yeah.

I just realize that stops every riff. When I just go, yeah. It would be fun to have like an avatar that's just you with a bigger penis. Yeah. Just in like a different neighborhood in your body. Or just like, just a hotter version of yourself. Yeah, just like a little more put together. That'd be funny if during Avatar, while everything's falling apart,

there's one guy who's supposed to be on the mission, but he's just him with a bigger dick somewhere else. Just running around through the trees. All of his teammates are getting like murdered in like with every avatar world. He comes out with a dick and a vagina. He's like, guys, I'm going to hang back for a little bit. I made some changes to my avatar. Yeah.

guys are cool with that. My favorite thing that Jake brought up is one of his friends was like, so one of the avatars in the new movie has giant, like, um, Oakley sunglasses. He's like,

somebody had to build just giant sunglasses to go on that guy. Yeah, that guy, the new one was so, was so fucking dumb. I hate this. Yeah.

I saw it in 3D with Jake. And we were both so high. It was like crazy. But we sat in the front row all the way to the left. and like Jake was to my right. And like, so I'm watching the movie and I just like see Jake in the movie. He's like, he's like, because he's like so far, like I have to look so far right that his like head is covering half the screen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so mad I did not get to see that movie high in theaters. That was like the of all time. That is like the high, I don't know. Avatar one. Avatar one, yeah, that was. Yeah, visually, it was cool as fuck. That, yeah.

It's just the plot didn't make, because it's like, you are so invested in them, like, beating the, like, humans in the first one. Yeah. And then they're just there. And it's like, they just lost. Yeah, they've completely colonized. Yeah. And it's like, this is so, like, anti-colonial.

It's like, no, it's not. It's like, this is even worse. They just stayed. And then one of them apparently had a child with the avatar and that they gave birth to a Down syndrome avatar. Bro, the fucking little white kid with the dreadlocks. that like crawls around like a monster. It's like, what is it?

It feels, it felt, where is his, why isn't he in school? Yeah, I will say, yeah, that's how you beat the bad guys. How but you learn a little bit

instead of being in the jungle, the whole, is that? Okay, okay. We're talking about how much. You gotta see the movie, Michael Deville.

I'm just saying bad things about Native Americans. I'm like, no, no, the first movie was just in, like, almost like a shot for shot

remake of Fern Golly. Yeah, Fern Goley was because it was a big machine. Yeah. Yeah. Well, my thing is is I remember seeing two seconds of the new one. Wasn't it, weren't there like naked animated kids that was kind of weird? It was, yeah, because they were supposed to be kids, but they were That's actually why I turned it off. I said none of this

in my house. Because the first one, it's like the fact that they're kind of hot is like part of it. They're like, yeah, then they have naked kids and when you're like, I know it's like technically not sexualized, but don't put naked kids in it. But it's like, yeah. Like somebody had to draw the naked kid avatar and they're like, it's a thing where it's like, well, this is their culture.

It's like, oh, yeah, the culture you made up for a movie. Right, right. Why can it be a culture where the kids wear clothes? Yeah. You're in charge here. It's not like it's a thing that's happening outside of your control. Yeah, and it's like, oh, this is about space. It's not about, you know, it might be a loose metaphor.

It's like, okay, then why does you have a fade? Like, why does you look Dominican? That's what people ask me. They're like, oh, did you see the new avatar? Do you mean blue child porn? No, I didn't see that. No, thank you. I'm disgusted that you would even ask me.

How do you know there's naked? Don't worry about how I know that there's naked kids in there. That's the director's cut. It's like a blue leg's on the boat. And the kid, he's got like sunglasses. Didn't fucking, did he say to the crazy,

James Cameron, he's the one that was like, if women were presidents, there'd be no wars or something like that? James Cameron? I feel like a lot of people have said that. Peter Jackson. No, James Cameron's different than Peter Jackson.

Peter Jackson did. He did the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Okay. Which I watched again recently. It is fucking amazing. Yeah, those movies are incredible. They're so ahead of that time. There's never going to be anything like that again.

Yeah. One of my favorite YouTube videos was Lord of the Rings racist. And it just suddenly goes, da da da da da da da da da da da da da. And just every character says not black for like, for like, for like three hours. It's doing like each individual

orc each elf. Like, background, I think she's not black. It is funny how it's like, there are zero black people in all those movies. Well,

I think the new show there. And people are like, oh, well, it's, you know, fantasy or whatever. And then you look at the orcs and they got like dreadlocks. Yeah, yeah,

that is true. It's like, their hearts are pure. Yeah. Like, what the fuck? Yeah. It's a very valid. Like, there's plenty of black people.

Yeah. Where are we at with, Middle Earth? And Middle Earth. Well, no, there also is like a, like, or, like, Arabian,

they're like part of the bad guys at the end that have like elephants and stuff like that. They come from a dark distant land and they all have turbans and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was post 9-11, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they fought for

Sauron, it's like, why would they do that? Where do they have a suicide test? The master of all evil. Yeah. Yeah. I always thought they'd find that that dragon into two buildings. I always thought it would be funny

if like, you like went to have sex with a girl and you like pulled down her pants and in place of her vagina is the eye of Sauron and then it like cuts to you later in the night and you're like talking your friend your friend's like so did you smash

and you're like you just said yeah there was like a few red flags I also I always like when you do this in the podcast you always go I've always thought about it and you just say the funniest thing that's just been sitting in the back

if you just haven't in conversation you haven't said this it's like You just kind of have these very funny things that you haven't thought about in a long time. There's a few, yeah, I got a few things bouncing around, but like I always, I never remember any one till. But that's what's good about podcasting because the conversation will go somewhere

where I'm like, oh shit, I forgot about it. Yeah, yeah. The I of Sauron Pusses yet. The I have Sauron. Oh, wait, didn't we talk about this last time? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Sweet and Sauron? No. Sweet and Sauron. I never know what I said on what podcast. That's why it's the best to just do a riff on it. you did on a different podcast. You're like, what do you think about this shit?

Dude, I just came up with this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, I mean, we're at an hour. I think this has been a fucking blast. That was great. I really was thinking

that I was not going to be able to... If you were electric... This was one of my favorite episodes podcast. You're better at podcasting than 90% of comedians. Because comedians aren't actually funny. They think...

Hey! You're not a comedian. Yeah, you're fucking... No, I was about to agree with it. you. I don't go, hey, that's the, that's the fact. Yeah. I don't, I don't mean that. I like all your guests. I love them. I don't. There's been a couple asks who asks to get on and then I do it and then I'm like, I should have just pretended I don't have a podcast anymore. But most 90, 90, almost all. No, I know who they are. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm aware.

We don't have them back. We take this seriously. He just doesn't want to go, I suppose. Uh, yeah, where could they find you or you don't want to attach your name to this which is fair um no i will at the end just like not on every single episode that comes out all the fucking time and it just has my fucking at the bottom you boy packs on spotify apple music instagram stuff like that i got a website some vst plugins coming out i don't know if our things overlap but just it's just nice to be on oh this also be post let you're gonna it's really funny you're gonna be flying out of the city wow like like Like that last plane leaving Iraq?

There's gonna get a dead guy on the wing of the plane while you're watching like Minions 4 on the TV. Yeah, me amazing, we're talking about that. Like, he's like, I can't wait to land on the plane and just hear like, people get internet and be like, ugh. Yeah, this is before the election, guys. This might be one of those pure pieces. I know.

This is the last time we'll ever be friends. Yeah. This is our last time as friends. Yeah. Because if Kamala doesn't win, I'm killing myself. and by proxy, you're all my enemy. If Camalo doesn't win, I will probably take a gun into, like, a store. And then either die by cop or just fucking take myself.

I mean, what a fucking, I'm happy to be a lot. You know, it's basically that one good podcast just changed my mood. I'm like, you know, I'm actually doing it. Was it good? That was great. Okay, okay, all right. Yeah, that was fucking awesome. That was great.

Guys, come on. Tell me if it was good. Do you like my toes? Yeah, light is in the comments. All right. Dick a Pax, it's toast. And we'll cut it here. Yeah, did you any promote News for Bed?

News from Bed on YouTube. A lot of Michael episodes. We got to get packs on when I'm, you know, when you're in Florida. Yeah. Oh, yeah, because you're in L.A. Yeah. He's never going to be on.

Yeah. I might never see Patty again. But the people are going to be happy. These two worlds collided. Yeah. Yeah. And I will be consulting you when I get to Florida about some live streaming technology.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. It is. After the podcast conversations. Thank you.