Morning Good - I'm a Marine, You Took My Wife - Episode 38

Episode Date: August 15, 2021

Thanks to Eli and Jake for coming back on the show! They have a new live podcast together from the Grizzly Pear called "" make sure to check that out and follow them for more.You can find Eli on Instagram @eli_haba and Jake @jake_timothy.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. Good. Good. Good. Oh, you just said it first. Dang. All right.

I'm here with, let's see. We're here with Jake Timothy. Mm-hmm. All right, all right, right. We're here with, you probably know him from nothing, but we have COVID-denier, Eli Haba here. Is that, are we good? Say something? I said that's right. Is your mic on?

Yes. It's not working. There we go. Say something? Yeah. No. Still nothing? Oh, wait. I was just looking at the wrong one. We're good. We're good. We're good. All right. Yeah, I was looking at you. All right. We're good. We're good. All right. We're good. All right.

Let's get it. We could fix all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so we're here. My girlfriend's locked in her room because it's a boy's only podcast. It's daytime. Yeah, yeah. That'd be weird if I let her out at night.

Oh, I guess when you kidnap people, we probably don't let them go out during the day. No, you have to, like, tape over the windows or something. Oh, okay, okay. Great way to start. I got to cost it in the street again last night. I don't think I told you guys about that. I had the same guy. No, no, this is a woman this time

I still haven't heard the story from the first guy Yeah, I told it all like four episodes A guy pulled a knife on me He just hangs out there every day now And uh Yeah, he probably doesn't remember Do you know who it is? No, yeah, he knows who it is

Yeah, you would recognize him too I don't want to make too much noise You know one of those Um, but yeah, no, so this other woman came up to me One of my scabs Yeah, and he's one of the ones from your mouth And uh, this other woman came up to me And she's like, she had like blue hair

And she's like, I know, what you're doing here and it's pretty sad. And I was like, what? She's like selling tickets for stage time. That's sad. Oh. And I was like, okay. She's like, she also said for stage time, not even like selling tickets for a living. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And then I was like, uh, okay. And she's like, I actually run a comedy venue in Brooklyn. And so I immediately was like, okay, I'll do whatever she says. Because I was like, maybe she has somebody important. And I was like, what's the name of the venue? She's like, it's kind of a secret, you know, backyard kind of venue. And then I was like, hmm, okay, that's weird. And then I run a venue, she means she pays rent. Yeah.

By run a venue, she means like, I'm going to ask you to do a bringer in a minute. Yeah, I don't know what was going to happen. I have my house. And then what happens to go,

she goes, you bring people to my house. That'll be a funny party thing. Like, you have to bring, I mean, some parties in high school that you had to bring five girls.

Yeah, exactly. They had a, yeah. What was that called? A ratio. That's a college thing. Not like,

more college. That makes sense of college. No, we were ahead of our time. So we were doing it in high school. Middle school, actually, elementary school. Play dates, you gotta bring six chicks.

Yeah, that was his dad. Gilda my clothes. I was sorry. I never went to a party in high school where they wanted like more people there. Every party showed up to, people were like... Yeah, you're right. I mean, I just had to bring girls.

Like, it wouldn't be... You wouldn't have to, but like, they would be like... They would be more likely to let you inside if you have... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyways, yeah, this woman, so she goes... And then she's my shirt, she goes, oh, you like the Rolling Stones? She goes, are you a misogynist?

And I was like, I don't think so. And then she goes, name five reasons why you're non-misogynist. And I just go, I don't care. And then she's like, I love pussy. Yeah. And then she's like, oh, so you don't care about being a misogynist? She's like, I guess you must not get any girls. And I was like, no, I have a girlfriend.

How old was this person? Probably 45 with like blue hair and a blue eyebrows, too, just in case people questioned her. I don't know what's the point of the blue eye. Are you all in? Yeah. It's like, I don't care. She's like, oh, you don't care people think you're a massages. I go, absolutely.

not care now. And then she goes, yeah, she's like, oh, you probably don't get girls. I was like, I have a girlfriend. And then she goes, it escalates the point where I just, I forgot what was in between there, but I just said, why are you being such a cunt? I just said it right to her face. And she goes, oh, you think that's an insult to me? She's like, doesn't your girlfriend have a vagina? Do you like your girl? Just like that's stupid wordplay. And then she, like, she's getting really aggressive. And she was touching me too. It's so funny to talk about like, oh, yeah, no. Is she flirting with you? That's a very weird way to do. Yeah. Because, Is any like a feminist who's just like, oh, you're probably a misogynist?

And then you're like, I'm not. And you're like, no, I'm not. And then she's like, yeah, I bet you don't even get any girls. It's like, what? That's a weird way. Yeah, that doesn't fit. Is that how they flirt in like Brooklyn? They're like, I bet you're a racist.

And he's like, I'll prove him not a racist. And she's like, oh, he really likes me. Something like that. I don't know if the dig was. But yeah, it's a bit. It was so funny because I started out of a second. I don't think I'm massages and I ended up calling her a cunt. But it was just so wild because I was like,

And then I found out later on, I was like, blue hair runs. You should have gone with a gender neutral insult. It is. You should have called a jerk. It is. No, it is now. It is. Yeah.

Elliot Page is a dude. She has, he has a vagina. Yeah, but come on. No, no, people call guys cunts all the time.

They're like, don't be a cunt. If you said that to her, she would have tried to have sex with you. That's true. That would have been her. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, wow, you are a misogynist. If he said this explanation of cunt to her. Oh, yeah, because it's true. It's actually gender. fucking hero. Yeah, exactly. But then I found out even crazier, she's the woman. You know that video of Sam

Merrill where he gets the microphone taken from him from that woman? It was the same woman because I looked up on Gio Perez's Instagram and I was like, oh my God, this is the same exact woman that did this. She was like hammered too. It was a, yeah, I was like, I'm sure you're blast to hang out with. That's a silly thing to say. Like if you can't prove you're a misogynist to someone who you don't even want to talk to, then you must not get any girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is insane. It's just strange. It's also hilarious because people get, misogynists get a ton of girl. You know what I mean? Like nobody.

Yeah, exactly. But that's also not like in line with a feminist school of thought, I don't think. What? You'd be like, oh, you must be a misogynist. You're like, actually, I don't think I am. And it's like, you're not even a player. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So you probably don't even get pussy, you misdynist.

Like, that's such a weird thing to say. Wouldn't that also make you like, I don't know, a roundabout misogynist if you just pretended to say shit? that's like what I feel like a lot of that is though. It is, but I'm, what I'm saying is like this, like a way where it's not like white nighting. Right. It's just a guy who's just like, yeah, I know like the ins and outs. But anytime I see a dude like that on Instagram or something, like a guy who's like very vocal about like, we have to think about how we do this with women and blah, blah, blah.

And it's just too much. I'm like, you're just trying to get late out of this. Dude, yeah, that's totally a thing. Like I, I feel when I was like 18, 19, I would totally talk like that all the time. And then, and then I got a girlfriend. And then you got girls. Yeah. And then you're like,

oh, you go back to being massages. Yeah. Well, it's like you'd also hear like your girlfriend's friends talk about it. Like,

I want to get some dick tonight. You're like, all right, they're regular people. You don't have to treat them like they're like babies. You know what I mean? Like we need to protect them at all costs.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. That's like white people who are weird around black people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it's weird. And then, yeah, it was just a bizarre interaction. We came, you guys came in the podcast so quietly earlier, and I was like, I hope we have shit to talk about it. At any point, did you tell her like, hey, I'm just, I'm working out here? No, no, I just said, get out. She knew that immediately.

Yeah, because she knew how I was selling tickets. But it was so funny, too, because I get to you five years ago, I would have been like, well, I'm actually not a misogynist because this, this and that, and here's my track record. And one time I said this, you know, now I'm like, it's also, you can think of what I don't fucking care. I'm done. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Especially you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, I don't want to impress you. I would actually prefer if you didn't like me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Especially someone's trying to bait you into an argument like that. Right.

Oh, 100%. Yeah, it's just, all right. Then I'd rather you hate me so much so you don't even want to talk to me. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's what I would have preferred. And I don't know, but I think years ago, like, it's the same thing with, like, if anybody call me racist now, I feel like years ago, I would have been like, well, I'm not because it is.

And I'm like, nobody wins the argument if I'm not racist. There's never been a winner to that. Sweat oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm sweaty. Yeah. Look at the color of that. Yeah, my t-shirts got black armpits just for months of sweat.

It's like a really like really white, clean white t-shirts. Is that just the show you wear when it's like over 94 degrees out or something? Yeah, it wears a specific shirt. No, it's like it's like it's about undershirt for all the mailroom jobs I had. It's like you only carry newspapers under there or something. Yeah, it's actually a mailroom is all in a kid. It's wearing in the mailroom's, sweat. wedding.

But yeah, that was a wild day. Also, a lot happened this week. The governor got to resign. I know we're not going to have any hot takes on. Oh, really? Busy week this week.

Delta variant was really ramping up in Texas. And Governor Andrew Cuomo. It's not real. Here with thoughts on that, Jake Timothy. Oh, man. The Cuomo thing. I'm like on your team with stuff like that

where like, whenever some shit like that happens, I just want to have the least. popular opinion. Oh, yeah. Which isn't like, if some people, like, you saw the thing I sent you about standup New New York today. Yeah, yeah. That thing.

So, like, I don't know. Fucking, you didn't read that? No. I'm gonna look at it right now. But it's, you know, both sides are sort of correct. It's just everyone sounds so ridiculous. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, stand up New York, it's a personal thing, like, policy that that business has.

Yeah, it requires vaccines, yeah. Our vaccines. And then there's one person's like, I want to be able to go places without that being a thing. Yeah, yeah. I understand both sides of that. Like, both sides that looked like fucking idiots. Yeah, exactly.

And I want to have a third point that makes both of them go like, you fuck this guy. Yeah, yeah. I say flu vaccine. That's where I am. Don't COVID vaccine, no, you have to have a flu vaccine to get.

Yeah. I check all the boosters. In front of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I do. But I want to know you have laryngi, not laryngitis, what do you call it? Hepatitis, one of those.

The measles, mumps and rebella. Yeah, yeah. HPV. Yeah, yeah. people do I was just go around to the people

be like, dude, I heard fucking Rubela's going around I'm going to I'm going out there

people like what the fuck is wrong with this guy. I think the quote the guy that was funny that

was that he left in a helicopter like I think it's so funny to be like I'm not I'm not the governor anymore

but this oh yeah yeah dude he had what did he didn't like mix and do that after he

he was like he left off as yeah where did he go just back to the white house yeah yeah he was in the

in the white house and then he took off like the video, he's like, I just put it back down. Just circle around. Everyone's just watching it. But that's about the Cuomo thing. Like, that's one where both sides, I mean, of course, Republicans are going to be like, yeah, fuck this guy, he's out.

But even liberals are like, of course, like, he did this shit. Yeah, yeah. Let's get him out of office. What did he? I want to be the one guy who's like, he definitely didn't do it. Yeah. I know. Did do it. It's like 14 women at this point

and you're like, there's no way. The government was even like, yeah, we looked into it. It's had to happen. People were like, what are you saying? Keep going, though. I'm whispering into my head. You're whispering into the microphone, like holding it closer to show me like,

oh, my close. Oh, my gosh. Um, she called away closer like this. What was he? What was he cute? I know one of the day was like kissing people and stuff. I think it was like grabbing people's butts

and trying to kiss people in the hallway. The worst of them were like, he would be like alone in his office with someone and be like, we should have sex right now. He brings down one of his charge. He's like, look, look, I'm just, looking at the data. The science says, you should fuck me. You should fuck me.

But that's like, he didn't address that in the video. I didn't watch you. I just saw him talking. But he says like, he explains like the ones that there were photos of where he's just like, yeah, like the whole thing where he's like, I'm Italian, I'm not a perver. Yeah, yeah. He's saying, he's like,

yeah, like this one woman said I kissed her on the cheek and said chow Bella. Like that's, I do this everywhere in my life. Yeah. in public, but it didn't get to the accusations, which are like, yeah, he, like, tried to finger me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's also funny that, like, I could see him just being so Italian that he can't not admit things. He's like, I also, I fuck those women. I don't know why it's not on the news. I fuck lots of women. I fucked all of them. I don't know why. I'm not a misogynist. Yeah, yeah. I fuck lots of girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, that was his, that's so funny. He, he's so funny because, like, some of it sounds gentle and that's what makes it funnier because he's, like, a muscular Italian guy.

He has the strangest speaking voice. I saw the phone. Such a stupid. People are posing somebody dumb things about it, which is like, you know, just he's out now. Yeah, yeah. You can say things about it, but there's like there's so many takes that you're like trying to squeeze more out of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I said this one girl on a Facebook today posted this thing, like a change.org fundraiser thing. And she's like, changed the name of the Mario Cuomo bridge back to the Tap and Z, Bridge, who is his father. Yeah, that's not even a human. Like, what he did was so terrible. We should erase his family's legacy.

What the fun? No, you can't erase your history. Italians need to learn that they can't be perverted in the future. They're going to lose their government jobs. That's my fate. All these people I grew up with on Long Island are posting like, oh, now it's okay to like make fun of Italians. It's like, it's fucking always been.

Yeah. It's okay for a very long time. Yeah. And people don't do it enough. That's the one group that. that everyone is like, yeah, it's fine to do that. Yeah, of course, yeah, yeah. I'm like half a talent.

Maybe I haven't done an ancestry thing. I want to do the, uh, 23 of me. 23 of me, but everybody says they're going to take my shit, but I don't really care. Isn't, wait, which is the... What are they going to do with it, though? How many chromosomes do you have if you're retarded? You've been 24, right? You have an extra 20.

Yeah, I think so. A whole bunch of things that can happen. I want to do 24 in me. How likely, how likely my son is to be retarded. They send you back crayons in a coloring book. You're like, okay. You should start a company called 24M8 and somebody sends in their information, just like a bio and a picture. And then you send back how much you think their kids are going to be retarded.

It's a video of me. Send back 24 minute timestamp. I'm like, all right, here's why I think based on just your face and your job. I always think the kids are going to be retarded. I think there's a 90% chance that all of your children are going to be retarded. But let me explain myself. Oh, man, 24 me. I'm not really, I'm weird about that.

Like, I get nervous about, like, certain things. But for some reason, the 23 of me doesn't bother me because I'm like, I don't know. Like, I get more nervous with the app. I'm just not downloading the app for the vaccine thing. It's such a crazy stance I'm taking. I'm like, I'm not doing the app. They're going to get my information. I think I might download it because I'm going to go to see the Louie thing tomorrow

and you have to have proof of vaccine. Yeah, I have my Vax card. I know, but I don't want to carry it. Mine's been in my wall since I got the vaccine. Yeah, that's a lot. thing is everybody's like, I don't have, but I just, it's in my wallet. Like, I don't take it out ever. I have like a picture of it on my phone. Yeah, same. But like, you know, it's not enough, I feel like. Also, you

have to show up with the vaccine in your arm and the doorman pushes it in. Right. And then he's like, you're good to go. I want my max card is in like pretty good shape. It's just like folded. But I want it when I show up to the thing on the Saturday, just have it like so wet. Yeah. Leave it in Michael Good's armpiece. Yeah. It's a good spot point. It was hot to the thing. It was hot to the thing. day all summer. I, uh, yeah, I don't know. I, uh, I don't think this is ever going to end. I think this is just here forever now. I think it's going to like fade out. It'll be like unpopular. No, I think I was saying

this to you the other day that I think it's going to be like it'll be here in a year. It'll be here in two years. It'll be here in three years. But every year, it's just going to become less and less of a thing. Okay. Yeah. Like what's an example? I think it'll be like the flu one day. Or like the Iraq war. Like we kind of don't really know what's going on. still until they said we're going to pull out. But like, you think about it and you're like, I guess we are still there. Yeah, yeah, I guess we are. Yeah. I mean, my friend sent

me some article today. Her boyfriend is being sent to Afghanistan. Oh, I'm leaving. She had to send you an article about that and she couldn't just tell you he was going to send me an article. I'd like to be like, look, it's really happening. We're like, look, my boyfriend made the New York Times. So you're single now? Is that we're saying?

That's the funniest porn hub. But aren't we leaving? Oh, yeah, that video. Where's the girl on it? And then like, It's just like a picture of her and like her boyfriend who's a troupe. Oh, yeah. She wearing the same outfit from the picture with her boyfriend as she is in the porno. I feel so bad for that girl. For whatever reason.

It's not even just cheating because she, like, there was some reason she ended up in like an amateur porn video. Right. Not like her boyfriend's going away. She's like, he'll never find out. Yeah. There's this. He must have like needed money or something, you know. Yeah.

Maybe she's holding it against him. She's like, I know you committed war crimes. So this is what I'm going to hold over your head. he's like, you're right, babe. I'm such a misogynist. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's just so much, I just like literally, I forget that there's stuff going on there.

It's so funny. I followed, like, somebody on Instagram, and they were shut, like, we're deployed in just random countries. Like, there was soldiers everywhere. Yeah, yeah. We have, like, soldiers in, like, 15 countries in Africa. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's crazy. Oh, for somebody's that I thought you said 15 soldiers in Africa. I was like, oh, 15 soldiers. Just 15, guys. Just chilling. They're just. is Africa. Well, that's a funny thing about like,

we're a great movie. Yeah. That's a funny concept. That is the funny concept, though, everybody being like, oh, yeah, we're going to get everybody in the world vaccinated.

It's like, if we donate vaccines to the Congo, they're not going to people. It's just not going to, you know what I mean? Like, there's going to be variants forever. But the crazy thing I was hearing about

was North Korea. Like, I listened to, we're just going to talk about other podcasts. I don't care about the value of this podcast anymore. This podcast is an open mic for me. How many episodes are yet right now? I don't know.

And I don't know. And I don't care. But thank you for listening. That's the correct attitude. Yeah. Yeah. This shouldn't, yeah,

you shouldn't, yeah, you shouldn't, like, no production value, anything. You're just, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Speaking. Absolutely.

I'm gonna look at my listeners. This is just going to be dwindling every week until it's like one. It's just zero. Like, the last four weeks is like zero listeners. I've had no idea. But the crazy news,

this is this podcast by North Korea. And it was insane to like, no matter how bad you think it is, it's like a thousand times worse. Like, they still stone people to death. That was the, the,

Joe Rogan thing you're talking about? Yeah, that girl was very attractive. Didn't expect any of that until I clicked on the video. And I was like, oh, that's who was talking this whole time. I didn't. She was very attractive. She was very attractive. Were you even more turned on when she was talking about, like, eating rats and stuff? I didn't even listen to the podcast

because I knew it was going to be a lot of, like, stuff like that. He turned the audio off and just jerked off to the video of it. He edited out the Joe Rogan. He's like, no, it's just like, when you just keep on the guy's face. Yeah, exactly. And I was like, look, however you got there, it doesn't matter. You're thin. Yeah. that's all that matters to me.

Thank you, Kim Jong, for making these thin women. Just by text. Yeah, they lucked out that, like, the defector that, like, got away with her family grew up to be, like, a fucking smoke show. Because then she can go, you know how much more sympathy that would evoke? Like, if it was the same girl with the same story.

I disagree. There was a girl with a missing eye. You think she'd be blackballed? They'd be like... Otherwise? No, but I'm saying, like, I mean, she's not the only defector from North Korea. No, she's not.

But if same person has the same story. Yeah, but be fair. Exactly same person, but she's just like not good looking. But that's not going to happen because they all look like her. I thought that was going to be way funny. I thought you guys are. Yeah, I mean, if you had defected from North Korea, what would you? Would you try to get on podcasts or would you just get like fat?

That's what they want. That's where her first thought was, I'm going to be on podcast. This is going to be sick. I know what those are. Like, how soon into being in America was that like part of her plan? Because you got to think when she left like 14, right? Yeah. Or something like that.

So you're not even like, I'm going to. So you did watch it. No, I didn't. I just read like the caption in his little bio or whatever for the thing. But it's like some people's story of like, I'm going to move to America. I'm going to make it in Hollywood. Do you think it's like a North Korea defector has that same thing where they're just like, I got to get the hell out of here.

Yeah. No. Well, but I also don't think they know how bad it is until they kind of leave. And they're like, oh, like the way she was described, like they don't know how awesome things are outside of North Korea. to like, yeah. Yeah. That was crazy. I was talking to someone else about that podcast, that episode.

And they were saying like, it was crazy that thing she was saying about like, like she never, until she left North Korea, she'd never been like full after a meal ever. I was like, yeah, that's what starvation. Yeah. Do you not just know that? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Fucking retarded America.

Yeah. Bifers just got like so full and just had diarrhea after eating some like rank meat. Like, dude, no. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And have enough food at all. Yeah. Well, the funny thing, too, is like, it was funny to hear Kim Jong-un is kind of funny. The way she describes him, she's like, something happened where he just killed all the dogs in the country, which, like, that's just kind of funny to be like, no, we're going to kill dog.

Like, like, every puppy in this country is going to, like, it's such a hilarious. And then, like, he apparently shoots people with rocket launchers sometimes. Like, it's fucked up. Like to execute people who shoot him the rocket launcher? Yeah, that's like a movie theater villain. He's like, I kill all the dogs and I shoot people with rocket launchers. Didn't he feed his uncle to dogs? If you were the wrong.

ruler of a country and you, for whatever reason, you're like, I have no interest in solving any of the problems here. What would you do? Fucking party. Your power. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I can do ridiculous shit like that. Yeah. I probably wouldn't kill all the dogs. Yeah. It's just an extra evil. Yeah. But I also didn't know that, like, I guess North Korea, I didn't know it was like a puppet state of China and all this stuff.

And it's all just kind of the same thing. Yeah. So, like, but it's just funny that, like, I don't know. That John Cena thing still makes me. really uncomfortable, but it's, I don't know. Oh, yeah, where he's like, like, backtracked something he said about Taiwan. Yeah, yeah, which is like the littlest thing is like, I'm so sorry

I recognized it. What, is the Jones, you know, then? What, it's some Chinese company owns, like? No, no, no, no, they just sell, so like, apparently the Fast and Furious movie, like, 180 million, or billion, I don't know, I'm bad with numbers, but somewhere 180 and 136 of whatever amount that is

of the 180 is bought by China. as far as sales for the movies. Okay. So basically they're like, this won't sell in China if you do this. So what? He spoke out against China. He recognized Taiwan as a country.

He said something about Taiwan being a country. Yeah. And then apologized for it. Like, it's just such a. It's so funny because he'd like stop asking actors for their opinion on things. Well,

it wasn't even that like, it was like the biggest accident. He recognized Taiwan. So what? It's such a silly. I don't think he in the U.N. Yeah. Yeah.

He also, he doesn't. No, but it's more like, like, China was like, yeah. But it's also like it's John Cena. So it's so funny because like he went from like being the Marine and then just being like America to now just being like, I will do whatever you say, China. Yeah. Just keep me working. Which is my favorite movie.

The Marine with John Cena is the most incredible movie. Yeah. We have a drinking game where every time he says my wife or a Marine you have to drink and half the movie is like, I'm a Marine. He took my wife. Like the whole movie. Like he literally like answers the phone. He's like, look at cops. He's like, I'm a Marine.

It took my wife, and I'm like... The first scene's so amazing. It's like, there's like these U.S. people about to get, like, murdered. And then, like, he's like... Like, the last thing the person yells is Alaw Akbar, and he just shoots all of them. And then, like, there's like this big explosion. And then they're like, how do we go around it? He's like, we don't.

We go through it. And then it's just like... The whole movie is just lines like that. That sounds awesome. Yeah, it's amazing. I love action movies. There's so much fucking fun to watch. Oh, yeah, dude.

I was my favorite. I was showing Jake Undersea. I've never seen it. Dude, that movie's awesome. What's it about? Netflix right now. It's Sylvester Stallone is a cook on a ship,

like a Navy ship. And everyone hates, everyone loves him, except like the second mate, first mate hates him. And the captain of the ship has like respect for him for whatever reason.

And then second mate, or first mate, second in command is Gary Busey. Oh. And then Tommy Lee Jones comes on the ship and he's like a terrorist and he's gonna take over the ship and Gary Busey's helping him

and then he finds out like a rock and roll terrorist that sounds so awesome literally a rock and roll terrorist there's like a 10 minute scene where he's just like jamming out with the band for no reason. Oh my God.

This sounds like my type of movie to a T. And then they find out that Sylvester Stallone was like a Navy seal or something and his whole whatever thing was classified. Oh, it's pretty fucking awesome. Yeah, it sounds like a good movie. And then the female lead is just a playboy bunny. Oh, nice.

around. Do you know that Sylvester Stallone, why his face is so fucked up? I thought it was because of Botox, but apparently, would he, like, Native American or something? Jesus Christ. Yeah, he means all the cigars and gambling. No, it was like, it was like, uh, they, whatever they used to pull the babies out,

apparently they like, the forcips. Yeah, they like went too hard or something like that. They got them by like the chin. Yeah. Yeah. They just try it like two or three times. That'd be so funny. I don't know how we're going to fix this, but...

He's so funny if they like... There's a picture of him right after he was born. He just has his face. Yeah, it looks like him in the first... With that terrible hair line? Yeah. He already is a full head of hair. Oh my God.

He sounds insane. I'm so glad. I like that they just... Did you guys see the suicide squad? The one that just came out? Yeah. They basically just made him a mentally handicapped shark. and it's not even like he's acting in it.

He's like basically like he just talks like this. He's like shock, shock, I eat things. And that's just like I was like, this is not a stretch for who Sylvester Stallone is. I was saying Sylvester Stallone in under siege it's Stephen Segal.

Oh, okay, people are gonna be mad about that. We're a big Seagal fans here. Yeah. I love Seagull. Oh, he's great. He is the most, my favorite's that video of him doing karate with like seven dudes and he's like barely touching them

and they're going like flying. Like he's like literally like this, just like way. his hands and like kicking seven dudes ass. And then he's like, no, that's a real video. He's like it's 100% real. Yeah. Yeah, I like to... He's the mem. You know, my favorite thing about him, I guess

under siege is really my only exposure to him. But he's just like not even in good shape. No. No. He's so fucking like that. He's not charismatic. Like, he's upsetting when he's on TV. Like, you can't root for him at all. I was telling Jake... He looks like a background

character. Yeah. Yeah. If you watch the movie for 10 minutes, you're like, they're really focusing a lot on this guy. Yeah, he looks like the second bouncer at a club. Like he's not even the main guy. Yeah. Like when you show up to the pair on random nights and you're like, I'm a new guy.

Yeah. It's a new bouncer. Yeah. Oh, my God. I love. He looks like an alcoholic too. It looks terrible. I love the bounce of the pair.

I've never seen him fight anybody, but I've just seen him put his hand on people's shoulder and say, I think you should leave. I saw three fights in one night like two months ago. Do you break him up? He broke up every single one of them. He's told me. like stories about, he used to be a boxer, like a competitive boxer, and he also

was in like the Russian military. Yeah, that's a lot of, he just told me stories about like training. What? Okay, yeah. Not like, he killed like, yeah, no, no, Americans. He just told me stories about like the training and shit that he would do. He's a dude is so tough.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You could just look at him and be like, I would not fuck with that guy. Yeah. It would almost be less scary if he was more muscular. You know what I mean? It's like, he's like the kind of guy's got that, like, functional kind of strength.

Like mobsters. Yes. There's like no excess fat or skin or anything. He's like an Abraham Lincoln body. And like he has some fat on his body. It's just like he doesn't waste his time like working out at the gym. He's got like a kangaroo. Yeah.

Like a kangaroo like a kangaroo like the only thing in his apartment is like a cot and a punching bag. Which is like duct tape around it. And he eats like eggs and raw grains. And his picture of a guy that like killed his son. Yeah. That's got to be so funny. Because how do you get that picture? of the guy. That's where you have like,

did you steal it from his house? And then now you're like, all right, now I'm going to put this on my wall. And remember you? Like, that's so bizarre that you'd have a picture of the guy that killed your son. Yeah, it's a picture of him at like some like innocuous work event. He's at like a Christmas party for his office. Yeah. They should have a scene in the movie where he's going to his Facebook and like making

the photo like black and like, oh, the guy that killed his son. He's like, this is going to make me angry enough. I got to find a better one to print out. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's awesome. If you ever talk to him, though, Ian, the bouncer. Yeah.

He's like, he's such a nice dude. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's, like, funny. He just likes, like, hanging out. Yeah. My favorite. But if shit were to go down, he's, like, the guy I would want. Oh, yeah, 100%.

Oh, yeah. I love those kind of friends that are, like, so cool, but, like, you know they could just, like. Yeah, he's my best friend. That's what I love. I have some huge friends, and I love, I look so funny going out of them because they're ginormous, but it's so much fun to just be like, nobody's going to fuck with us because these guys are my buddies. Just like enormous people.

Yeah. But you also... I feel whenever I go out, Jesse Townsend. He's just tall and thin. So big. No one's going to fuck with us. You were telling me about those friends' ears when we, when you were on the street barking for your show at Solas and those two kids walk by and one took the flyer from you,

took one step and just dropped it on the ground. Yeah. And he looked, pretend to be, she was like, oh, cool. And just threw it. And I was like, I, the meanness, people are more mean to me barking than anything else in my life. I'm trying, I'm trying to get you to just come to a comedy show. People are so just like, no. Or people are just like, fuck no.

I don't know what that is. Because they don't do it for anyone like, like the people that stand with like a clipboard for like the ASPCA or whatever. They don't do it to them. And they're essentially doing the same thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's something about that. It's a comedy show. just want to fucking yell at you.

They're like never again after what happened. No, they look at you as someone they can bully for whatever reason. I think it's like they think they're heckling or it makes them feel cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or they just saw Jeff Dunham one time and they're like, I'm never going to let this happen to anybody else again. This was my experience. You're not a

big Jeff Dunham fan? No, I'm just kidding. I'm just using an example of somebody. You're a huge Jeff Dunham fan. I don't know. I'm going to start telling people I do puppets though because people always ask... Just an example of somebody, what, someone that's original, does their own thing? Yeah. someone who broke through. He's made an enormous amount of money.

And has had a 30 year career doing something that probably everyone told him wasn't funny when he started doing it. Ha, ha, ha. Stupid Jeff. You just signed a three special deal with Netflix for $50 million. Dang.

No, not with Netflix. Comedy Central. Oh, Comedy Central. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're a little bit too liberal for that. No, Netflix did the, they did like the Jeff Fox Fox where they Larry the King.

Yeah, they were. would be more likely to take risks with it. I don't know. I don't think they would do the Ahmed character. Jeff Dunham is consistently like the highest earning. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So he's allowed to be racist. This is the rules. Pretty much. I mean, yeah, when you're like, I don't give a shit if I ever do a show in New York or California because I'm going to consistently do shows in like Oklahoma, Alabama. Yeah, yeah. Everywhere.

I also love how I call him racist all the time on the podcast and I say horribly offensive shows. But I think there's a, I think there's a, I think there's a, I think there's a Everyone understands my, like, my objective irony here. Yeah, yeah. I think the difference is, like, I'm clearly saying, like, I'm saying the bad thing so you guys know that's the wrong thing. But, like, yeah, I don't really care. I think it's all going to be okay. I just, if I'm saying it, everyone gets it, you know?

Yeah, yeah, but what he said? Everyone knows that I'm cool, man. I should just go to a show and say, this is wrong. This is wrong. Here my race is chokes. Oh, my God. You made me laugh so hard when I was hanging out with you that day. When you said that, you barked at like the toothless guy.

Oh, yeah, yeah. tell the story. So there's like a toothless like guy who was like very nice. He's like, he took out his densers to eat. He's like very old guy. He's like, I would love to come check out your comedy show at some point. He's like a very friendly old man. And we're saying like, what if he comes to the comedy show? And he's like having a great time. And then a black guy walks on stage and he just

goes, ah, ah, ah, ah. No, the second he sees him, he's like, no, no. But we're saying it's just like four people. It's like a dead show. It's like, no. So, so upset. He's like, he's been tricked.

Yeah. Why? No. Like, you convince him to calm down and he's like, all right. He's just handing me the free fly. He's like, I want a refund. It's like, it was a free fly. No, I want to refund.

Get him to calm down and he's like, right. Like, fine. Can I go watch the rest of the show? You're like, okay, you just can't do that again? And the next guy up is like a super flamboyant gay guy. And the guy goes up and he just doesn't react. he's fine. Yeah.

And these guys doing jokes about like, like, like, get my anal sex and stuff really gay. He's like,

yeah, whatever. And then the guy's like, my boyfriend, Daryl. And he's like, no. Yeah.

He's like, oh, no. No. I don't know why that's too funny. Oh, my God. Oh, man. Yeah,

that was fucking hilarious. Yeah. It, uh, I, I, I, I,

just having, like, a middle-aged man at the show. We had some Orthodox Jewish people The show last night, Eli. Oh, yeah. Where people came through?

Your people gave through. Yeah, yeah. People told me I'd sell them tickets. They're like, don't sell them tickets. I was like, you know what? I'm going to give them a shot. How were they? Pretty great.

Amazing honor. They had a great time, yeah. Hell yeah. Like, I've done, I've done... Just dudes? Yeah, yeah. I've done... I don't think they'll let the girls do that.

Well, they have... I've done an Orthodox barbershop one time. It was a blast. It was a lot of fun. Do you ever see that? You went to an Orthodox barbershop or you did a show at an Orthodox barbershop?

I did a show. And you left with this. What's it called again? I don't remember. Payote maybe, something like that. Piotie. That's what it is. Yeah.

No, no. I did one at a barbershop. I did all my typical jokes and they loved it. It was a great time. It was like, I don't think orthodox means you can't laugh. Like, I don't think there's any part of that. You can't laugh? No, no.

I mean, like, I don't think people... Orthodox means you can't laugh at comedy. No, I just think people like think people like think certain things. about like, oh, these people are really religious, they won't like this at all, but they were like... Yeah. It's like, you look at them as like living such a different life that it's like, how are you going to relate to what I'm saying at all?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's also like, they're not Almish. Like, they have everything. There's also like levels of it. Yeah. You and I know. I was going to say that. There's levels to this shit, dude.

Like, they're... The guys that look really religious and like they wear like someone to the get-up and they have like the... They wear the Yamika and they have the fucking things. those guys aren't as religious as the dudes like in Williamsburg and Crown Heights. No, of course. Yeah, they're actually, they're like different people.

Like, they're super religious, but they like, they fucking have a lot of money. They drive nice cars. They just do whatever. I don't know if that's been recording this whole time. I hope we're good. Have you seen that video on my Instagram of me like going like, sips, no.

Are you doing that at an orthodox person calling them a snake? No, like this someone in the, in this pair room once ordered, like, I tried to call Sean. over by going like, sps, p, s, p, sp, sp, sp, oh, yeah, you posted that a couple weeks ago, right? Yeah, that was, there were, like,

eight of those guys in the back, and they were all, they just kept doing that. It's kept, and, like, I was, like, doing well, so it was fine, but any time there would be, like a lull in the laughs, so you just hear it, like, it was so funny.

Like, they're calling over a horse. Yeah. It was bizarre. And Sean would go over, and he'd be like, yeah. It's very funny. I've had the same thing, though, where I've been barking

and someone who else had the pair is like, don't sell to those guys, they're always terrible. I was totally kidding. I would, nobody actually said don't sell them. I've actually had that though. Jeez, that's fucked up. People with the pair have been like these guys like, it's nothing against them. They're just like, they're always so drunk and they ruin the show. And it's never been true.

That's just right. That's just anti-Semitic in general? Just those guys with the whole outfit. like back, they're going to be super drunk and they're going to like talk to the show. And that's the most disruptive it's ever been is doing that. And it was funny. Yeah, that's like wildly anti-Semitic. Oh, yeah.

It was just like a random person that like, no, it was like Gary. I don't want to like say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's wild. That's super fucked up. What's you giggling about? No, he was like, who was it? And I don't want to say.

And I'm just like, yeah, because we definitely know like the person that's up. Oh, I have no idea who is. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, I don't want to get into it and do it. here. The first time someone said it, it was someone that you'd be like, why would you take any advice from them? Anything ever.

Yeah. But, no, my favorite. I like the, so the furry hats. What are those? I think they're Russian. The Russian? No, the furry. Oh, they're, oh, because they're.

No, I think that's, they're Russian. That'd be so funny if you went into the barbershop and left with, like, that somehow was your name. The furry. And all these like, like orthodox women are like, oh my God. I would love it if I was like, why do you wear this? The guy just pulled me inside. He finally pulled it off.

Yeah. I love it. I was like, why do you wear this? The guy pulls me aside. He's like, you want me to be honest? They're fucking fun, dude. He's like, it's just a blast. He pulls the thing up and there's like a six-pack and like Maddie ice is already.

It's fucking a great dime. Those are like crazy expensive too. Oh, I'm sure. That's what I've heard. Yeah. I like when it's like raining and they wear the covers. Oh, and they're just totally dry. Yeah, yeah.

Dude, it's like an umbrella. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That, um, this could be a lot. I mean, I guess it's just wearing a suit in the morning, right?

A lot to put on. I don't think they think it's just a suit. I think there's like a whole way. Do you think they do that dumb joke where they're like, hey, it's the same shirt you wore yesterday? Um. Is that your cue to go back and delete that when you do? Yeah. Anyway, so what were we saying about Cuomo?

Yeah. No, I think that they have like many layers. Like, I think there's like a Mormon, like an underwear layer thing. Right. And then like a whatever. And then like a whole long shirt thing. The Superman costume somewhere in there. Yeah.

Yeah. Nice. Well, I'm learning a lot today. I met a t-shirt that says who farted. that's the base layer of all their outfits I was talking to somebody about this on the other part of it's so funny because I know like some Jewish people that they're like

oh no I can't get tattoos because you know my grandparents were in the Holocaust and that's a weird take from the Holocaust like that's also not like the reason yeah yeah it's like so you can't that's like an exception isn't it yeah exactly it's like you can't Jews aren't supposed to get tattoos because they're not like

according to the Bible they're not supposed to deface their body in any way. Right. So it's like Why do they cut their wieners? Exactly. I got ideas.

Bill Maher, have me on. What? Is your wiener cut? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Are you cut? I'm cut, dude.

You seem like you wouldn't, but you're Jewish, I don't know, you seem like, you have a European vibe to you. I seem like a cut guy to you? Yeah, or like you'd be left,

are you left-handed? No. No, I don't know. There's something wrong with you. I'm just kidding. You're right in a unicycle? What is that? Yeah.

Well, I mean, European people are. they're all uncut. Yeah, yeah. I always feel bad for like, there was a kid I went to high school with who his parents were European, like his parents were from Italy.

He was born here, grew up in America, but like spoke Italian to them all the time and he was uncircumcised. Yeah. Because they're like, yeah, we're not doing that.

Yeah. We don't do that. That's a Jewish thing. But then it's like, and they're totally right. Yeah. You know, like, why the fuck would you do that

if that's not part of your culture? Then the kids like going to high school in America and like all these girls have to see his dick and it's just different. All the girls have to see it. Without that doc. All the girls got to see it. Yeah, he's like commiserating with you once.

And he's like, isn't it tough when you make a girl see your penis? You don't understand, Eli. She's afraid of it. When I make women see my dick and they think it looks weird. We were talking about this the other day. And Eli didn't. even like a humorous idea. I was saying, isn't it like crazy?

That's so exactly what I was thinking of. Isn't it crazy that like there are people I know who had to get circumcised like when they were like teenagers. Yeah. Something happened in their family or whatever. Or they just their parents decided or they decided for whatever reason. Divorced. So your dad gets half.

So that's like a thing that happens. It's weird. That's weird. But isn't it crazy that there's no. culture on earth where that's like a tradition where you get circumcised when you're like hitting puberty or something? Yeah, there's like none that does that. Yeah. You'd think

when I brought this up to you, you'd be like, oh, like one of those weird tribes. You're saying it like I was thinking it. That's what you were thinking. I didn't say that. Yeah, right. I said there's no culture out of all of them. Out of all the cultures, like maybe one in like a really hot area.

That's what you said. You'd be surprised. Yeah, when they're like a, you know, 13, they're like, there's a lot of sand in my foreskin. So many lions around here. Like, we're swimming in this river all day long, getting eaten by piranha. I don't know. I just feel like that would happen somewhere. Well, my favorite thing is there's this one African tradition.

I'm an anthropologist. I love, like, if you meet an anthropologist. And, like, she's telling you about her job. And you're like, that's really interesting. Let me ask you a question. Are there any cultures that do circumcision, like, later? like 15 years old. Maybe a culture like,

do that. My favorite things I had this joke that never worked, but I was always wondering, when does the Lion King take place? Dude, that was one of the first time, it wasn't the first time I met you.

But I remember when, I remember hearing you say that joke. Yeah, I was like, that's so fucking funny. Yeah, because I'm like, how funny would it be

just in like your Lion King did you just randomly see like a truck full of people with like, just like a rocket launcher on the back. And you're like, oh, I guess this took place to that.

I don't know. Or just like some colonizer guy with like a monocle just like walking up. You're like, oh, okay. He's like, we're going to kill the elephants because of the tasks. Do you just don't do that joke ever? No, I stop. I should probably start again. Good idea.

Yeah. It's a funny joke, man. Yeah. It's very funny. I remember that when you did it at like a mic or something. Yeah, well, that's where jokes go to die. So. But I had this one, well, there's one culture.

I learned about it. Ripley's believe it or not. So I'm not sure if it's legit, but I believe it. it's um it's i love i learned about a culture through the lens of isn't this fucking weird believe it or not how funny to be ripples i was just all racist like these chinese guys with the straw hats on isn't that crazy it really is if you look at like to eat their food i'm serious if you look at like the original ripley's believe it was just we found we found a short black man

So true. I'm just like incredibly racist. Yeah. At the end it's like, yeah, we got a lady with a beard too. Yeah. Mostly look at these racial anomalies. Yeah. Oh, my God. Damn.

But there's one thing. It was like a hollowed out fruit with needles in it. And like it's like basically like a tube you put your penis in. And it's supposed to fit to your penis when you're a limp. But when you're erect, it needles go into it. And your wife has like control of it. So like if she says like, oh, okay, you're like, you're with. another woman. You shouldn't be getting hard around

other women. You can only like, so you have to wear that when you leave the house or something. Damn. But they had those in Europe too. Or they were just making shit up. I don't know. Yeah. They had this in Europe? Yeah, yeah. Those like, they had when it was like the 18 and

1700s when they went through like a very religious Christian face. I think it was like more Puritan thing actually. But they would have like chastity belts for girls and they would have like a little cage that a boy was supposed to put his dick in and it would like poke it if it got hard. that's wild that's wild wow wow wow yeah that that I have one of them too yeah the poachs your penis

it's a piece of just like European history I guess it's an artifact that is so funny on people like the world's such a messed up place it's like you look at like two seconds of medieval torture it's like the most insane thing ever like it's just like serial killers we're just doing it's somebody who's talking about how like sociopaths were like utilized in like warrior culture because like those people have always existed, they just used them for different things back then. So these people would be warriors because they like didn't. Yeah, but that shit was also like applauded back then. Like public executions, people went.

People went. They would have executions in Europe like up until not that long ago. And they would have like fucking 30,000 people would go. In France, people would buy tickets. Where the guy like, oh, you guys are going to cancel me? That's what this is. Because they said the truth. Oh, I'm sorry.

That happened in, I mean, like, lynch. in the South. They were like very well. Of course. Yeah. People would show up and they'd like love going. They'd like take their kids out of school and shit. Yeah. That's that's. And they torture those guys. Up until like not long go at all. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's fucked up. It's like fucked up when you like just take like two seconds. Because like I was

every week I'd talk about how I'm on the Klan's website. I'm trying to write this bit about them and I've just been looking through their website. And all of it's like funny stuff. But then you saw like they had like slave tags just on there. I'm like that's insane. Slave tags? Yeah. like they would have like collars. Oh, well. And I'm like cheese. Like there's a, you know, you're like,

you're like, oh, you're like, oh, Jesus Christ, there's some fucking, like to sell. Yeah, yeah, like they want that as like a piece of things to have. Yeah. I like how people. I'm laughing. You're laughing at your response. Nothing. A lot of folks. Riff on that.

I remember like when I was in like computer class in middle school. Someone just went on my computer and went on the KKK website. Yeah. And then they were like, now they're going to track you. And that was everyone thought that.

They're like, if you go on the website, they're going to track you. Which is like, probably not. Like the chance that they are like tech wizards. Oh, yeah.

Like, no way, dude. Oh, not the government. Like the KKK is going to track you. Just their website. Maybe the government. I don't know.

And track you. Dude, is the most low quality website. If any fucking website. Yeah. And then like fucking five years after that, it came out that they're just tracking everybody. Yeah.

Like that NSA league, the Snowden thing. It's like 320 out of 350 million people. Yeah, yeah. It's a lot. That stuff is so crazy to me because, like, that's the stuff we've really just given up on. We're like, eh, we're going to... So go to the websites you want. Yeah, exactly.

You want to look at kids. The government won't find you. That's the takeaway from this podcast. I wonder who's like 30 million. You know, they're just not keeping tabs on. Yeah. How fucking boring. Cool.

We're not going to mess with them. They can't be cool. They must be just the most boring people in the world. Yeah. Yeah, that's so true. Like, we have just no reason to... Yeah, you're not up to anything. You're probably going to kill yourself in a week,

so we don't even need to be concerned about you being in danger to anybody, but yourself. That's why... I wonder if they ever see that where somebody's like, I'm going to kill myself, and they're just like, well, I guess we'll... That's not really our job. Yeah, yeah. They're like, well, that's not really our thing.

Like listening into a guy's, like, beating in therapy. I'm going to kill myself. And the therapist is like, are you going to hurt other people? And he's like, no. And they're like, all right, we can stop. turn it off there, yeah. Do you guys go to therapy? I used to.

I've done it before. I don't know. It's like, I don't know. I felt like such an idiot when I went. It's like everything that I know about anything is just what I saw on TV about it. So when I went to therapy the first time, I was like, I tried to like lay down. It was a couch like couch. It's a couch like that.

My shoes are on. he's like, what are you doing? But then even if like, even if I found a therapist where you did that, that's like fucking, that's like going to a hotel. It's like just people are like on that couch all day. And they don't clean it.

You're also like, if you're going to that therapist, you're like paying for the novelty of it now. Oh yeah. And he just does like the Roar Shock stuff. Exactly. Yeah. That sounds kind of fun actually.

And then he like changes his costume and he puts on like a carnival thing. like, what is this? He's like, I have another job where I pretend to be a carnival guy after this, too. Yeah. But also, I would like tell him about my dreams and stuff, and he'd just be like, we don't like, we don't actually do that. That's not real. Yeah. You're not going to analyze your dreams. Were you molested? Yeah. Tell me now. Right now. Cough it up. Yeah, that's, yeah. Do you go to therapy? Yeah, yeah. I do Zoom therapy now, though, which is getting a little out of hand, just how disconnected it is. It's just always.

Are you, yeah, what? Like, can you have the option to go back? Maybe I just haven't been filling out the paperwork correctly because I think- They're getting so lazy. Oh, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, one of those. There are some really bad ones.

Like, the first one I had in New York, she kept on saying, like, I'd be like, yeah, this is weird. You know, she'd be like, why is it? Everything was like, why do you feel that way? And I was like, oh, you're doing literally nothing. Yeah. And how does that make you feel? Yeah.

Why do you feel that way? You haven't given me one bit of advice. Bad. Yeah. Who's to say what bad is? That's got to suck so bad. It makes me want to hurt people. Who is to say?

That's got to feel so bad to be a therapist of somebody that kills himself. Like you, in your head, you probably weigh out how much you work you did. You're like, no, I did. There's no way you're like, I mean, I'm sure you feel guilty and stuff, but like. There's got to be a point you hit with someone. And therapists, they'll never, I probably won't say it to you, but there's got to be a point you hit where they're like, I'm not going to be able to help this person. Yeah, yeah. Because if they're not going to, like, help themselves at all.

like it's just a kind of a fork on conclusion yeah yeah it's true i did also i had a therapist ones who i like i had this ex-girlfriend who was like it's just a nutcase yeah and i was like dealing with her for like it's like with she like lied to me about something and then for like six weeks i was dealing with it and every week i go into his office and tell her more lies she told me and whatnot and you're like okay and then when it came out she made this whole thing up i told him that and he was like i've had I've known since the beginning. That she was lying?

Yeah. And I was like, why don't you tell me that? Yeah. He's like, I wanted to see it. Fuck didn't you tell me that. Yeah. He's like, because, you know, you're in that state. And I just couldn't like, it's like,

maybe you just didn't fucking know and you're trying to be like around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. With the guy, too, he's like, I knew he was going to shoot up that high school. But it was my, uh, was his journey to make. Exactly. Well, who am I to play God?

Yeah. That would be such a, but. Yeah, it's not my job. Oh, man. Yeah, I don't, maybe I'll go back when I'm older, but I don't know. Yeah. I don't love it.

Well, playing God, that's such a funny term because everybody, everything you do is playing God. You know what I mean? I feel like everything. As comedians. No. Absolutely not. Nope.

Oh, my God. Yeah. People say that are just about making decisions in general. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People just don't want to do, make a decision about anything. Yeah, yeah. You might have played God. Yeah. Is that really what I mean, I feel usually when I hear it, it's like people don't want to manipulate other people.

Like, try and call it to like fill certain roles in their life. I've only heard it in science. Such little. Yeah, people would be like, oh, like, like stem cells. Yeah, yeah, I've never heard about it. Yeah, that makes sense. Really? Yeah.

Like, playing God. Like, clearly I like to drink. So who am I play God and, yeah. Stop. Yeah, just use this excuse. You know, I stopped drinking, but now I can't stop cheating on my wife. but who might play. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Are those still through Zoom? The meetings? They're in person again now. Actually, I want to start going again in person. I miss doing that. But yeah,

they're still going on through Zoom too. That is the one thing I love about. I think there's so many. It's so funny because people will say, like, I don't drink at like the pair when they're coming. I'm like, oh, you get soda. I was like half the comedians don't drink right now either. It's like a pretty consistent.

It's interesting because I think I see more people quit drinking. doing comedy that have less of a severe problem than people who do enough. So I think that like because it's so hard to do drunk and because there's so much alcohol around you, I think a lot of people that like maybe

wouldn't have quit alcohol, quit alcohol doing comedy. You know what I've been saying that for like a minute now because it's like it's such a crazy high incidence of comics that are either completely sober or hardly drink at all. Yeah. And almost never drink when they're doing stand up.

Yeah, yeah. And then you have like the outliers that get wasted all the time. But that's what it is. It's like you get to a certain point with this where it's like your your job is everybody else's night out. Yeah, exactly. So if you're going to, if you drink at work, it's like you're showing up when people are drinking a lot. That's like the most people are probably going to drink that week, you know?

Yeah, exactly. So like if you keep pace at all and like you're doing a couple shows, you're going to be fucking wasted. Yeah, you're going to be shit faced. And then the other part of it is also what you said of like you just the clarity and presence of mind you need. Yeah. To be like, if you're really going to do it well, you fucking need to be sober.

Dude, I didn't just talk at all. Every time I have a good set, I just get that like crazy adrenaline rush. I've had that thing where I want to drink afterwards because my energy is so high and like, I want to. I want to like keep it going. Yeah. Yeah. The feeling that I'm having. But then like, I've done that

like a couple times. And every time I just end up feeling like shit. And then the next day I don't do as well. So I'm like, yeah. The real way to keep that going is just to do consistently well all the time. And one way you can control that is by mitigating the shit in your system. Yeah, yeah. No, it's like even like the little bit like, I think it was like, you saw me that said

Joey Batch was horrible. I was like hung over. Everyone had, I went up after you. I had terrible set too. Yeah. But it was like I had one drink and even that I was like, it just feels like it slows me down. I mean, some people that say it loosens it up. But I think the problem is you'd have to consistently do what you're doing.

You know what I mean? So it's like the problem with that is like then you'd have to consistently do. it to get used to that. I think the people that say that are people that are just like so nervous to even be on stage. Yeah. Or alcoholics. Yeah. We're alcoholics. We're so much better than all those people. I'm kidding. I was like I just, I feel comfortable on stage most times. I'm up there now. But now. But now. That's what I'm saying. Like if I were still drinking when I started doing comedy, I would be drink. I would have, it would be part of a ritual. I would need to drink every single time. Yeah. Definitely. And there also, there's, you know, and for most of the time I've been

doing comedy. It's like before getting on stage, I'm like having an absolute panic attack. Like just so nervous, sweating, shaking, whatever. It's like trying to like calm down. And now I don't have that so much anymore, but I could definitely see it like that. If I took a shot or something right before

it was something I would have started doing in the beginning and then it would have never stopped. Yeah, but then I would have said like, yeah, that loosens me up. Exactly. That would be what you're saying. You're not actually developing the skill of just the stage presence. Yeah, I mean, I think there's some people to do it, but for me, I just not You know what I mean?

Because there are some people that always have a beer before. I'm like, I just, it slows me down. I like, I can't do it. Yeah. Some people that have a bunch before.

Yeah. And my thing is, and they could still crush sometimes. I was at the stand. I was at the stand a few weeks ago. You don't have seen names. I won't. Yeah,

yeah. But I was a stand a few weeks ago and there's a comic we all know. And he was going to go up and, uh, like he was going to follow. It was the stands. He was going to follow like a heavy hitter. I can't remember who it was.

Um, but he's a follow a really good comic. and then fucking Davidel shows up. And so we're like, he's going next. So you're going to follow him now. And then he's like,

fuck, dude, are you kidding me? Like follow like already a great comic. And now I'm going to follow Dave Attell. And he goes like, fuck. All right. Give me a shot at tequila.

And it's like, that's the solution. Yeah, for me, I'd be like, no. Dude, you need to find your fucking notebook.

That's what you got to do. Are you kidding me? Like, yeah. But whatever. And then went up, had a pretty good set. But like,

that's the, that is the mentality for a lot of people. I'm also so worried that I'm going to say something horrible. Like, I feel like I'm drinking. I'm so much. And like, my judgment is just off. And I'm like, dude, my, like, you already like, say shit on stage and sometimes you're like,

I've said that to him before. Yeah. That if I were still drinking, I would have said, yeah. I think we know what you would have said. I think we know. Probably would have said retard into a microphone. Oh, yeah. Could you imagine doing that into a microphone?

Yeah, that would be retarded. And then putting it in the internet. Oh, man. Yeah, no, 100%. 100% I would have done that. Yeah, I would have said horrible things too. Because I also would be like, if I wouldn't been doing comedy enough now, I've done it enough times now that it wouldn't just be like I'd have a drink before I went on stage. Yeah.

There would be times I went up just fucking hammered. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, that used be my rule. I was like, okay, I won't drink before doing comedy, but I will do comedy after drinking. But then I've kind of realized, like, if I was more excited. Is that just like six in one hand to have a half a half a lot? No, well, it's like, it's like I would do an open mic.

Like if I was back home and we're going on the boat that day, I would drink on the boat and then do an open mic later. Because I was like, I still, although my plans were to drink, I still want to get that stage time. Right. But it's a mic. Yeah. Yeah, I think a mic's a little different. But it's still like, it's like, I just don't like that feeling of being not there. Yeah.

I don't like it at all. Yeah. Well, we're just doing awesome. And everybody else can go fuck themselves. It's also like if I'm doing someone's show, I think that's just like so discharacter. disrespectful. Oh, to get,

like, it's disrespectful to the person who show it is and everyone there. Oh, totally. Is there something,

there's something this podcast stands for its respect? Dude, there's a guy who did my show. I had a bullet once and he, he was hammered.

Yeah. It was an early show, too. He was just fucking hammered. Yeah. Smelled like booze. He was slurring his words on stage.

I was like, come on, man. Yeah. What are you doing? The only slurs that should be going on stage are racial

slurs. That's, I sound like such an edge floor this episode I'm just scoving around I see you guys and it makes me want to say inappropriate stuff

and you get in trouble and you can say anything to me I don't care we are going to end it there though where can they find you guys online

check out a peanut butter trap podcast trying to release an episode this week yeah Jake and I have a podcast called peanut butter trap

it's a live podcast at the grizzly pair every Sunday at 6 yeah we're probably gonna start do in some episodes that aren't live too yeah

you know we should do. Yeah, you should talk about something. Yeah, you should talk about it. Hang up, Mike, leave the room. Yeah, get it.