Morning Good - I'm Aldous Snow, The Rockstar - Episode 189

Episode Date: October 1, 2023

James Donlon and Paddy Defino join the show for today's episode. They talk about Michael's week in Colorado, intrusive mushroom thoughts, and the Russel Brand controversy.Thanks to Paddy and James for coming back on the show. Check these guys out on previous episodes together, and for even more hit their links below.James is on Instagram @jamesdonlon_, and hosts a call-in show Sundays at 8 on Radio Free Brooklyn. Paddy is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and make sure to check out his new podcast, the Untitled Podcast.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, by way, shout out to Tim's Bray. Welcome to Morning. We're here with Patty DeFito. What's up, dude? And James Donnell. Hey, how's it going? Dude, I had the craziest weekend. I was at this wedding in Denver.

Wait, that's what I was. is doing. Oh, my God. No way. Oh, I'm getting a call. Who is it? What? It's Ryan. Right. Put them on. This isn't Ryan O'Toole. This is my friend. Then I don't care about Ryan. Hey, Ryan, you're, you're on the morning good podcast. Want to say hi to Michael Good and James Donlin? Nah.

Fuck you, man. You're fucking lose. You'll never be on the morning good podcast. This is a podcast for winners. I graduated from Andrew Tate's Hustler University. I'm all about making money. Hang up the phone. Right now, Patty. He said Andrew Tate's a husk. Anyway, I got to go, Ryan. I'll talk to you later, all right, buddy. You really showed that guy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to fucking see me. He's got such a huge cock. It's upsetting. That guy? Yeah, he's, like, small with a big cock. We called him bird because he would just whip his cock out all the time. Oh, damn, dude.

Why does that make him a bird? Because, like, that's what a bird is. They whip their penis is that all the time. Is that a common characteristic of birds? Yeah. And then we would all go underneath and go, chip, chip, chip, chip. Oh, it's awesome. Oh, wow.

They would put food in their mouth and spit it in the tip of his penis. Like a baby bird. That's pretty cool. To feed it. That's how he got so big. There's a celebrity that did through a kid, right? Back girl, what's her in? The girl, the paid back girl.

From Clueless. Yes. Elishia Silverstone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That seems like a total Will Smith move. Yeah. I feed my baby from my mouth. I fed my baby from my own goddamn mouth.

Keep my food out of my mouth. All right. So wedding time. That way you fuck the wedding. Just talking about Will Smith's speeding the food and do his weird kids mouth. This kid fucking sucks. Yeah, every one of his kids. This whole fable is just fucking losers.

I mean, they're winners. They would have graduated from Hustler University. Yeah. Yeah. They're good people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you prove that? You have no evidence of the good people.

I almost said he was in holes, but he wasn't. He wasn't in holes. There's just several other black guys in holes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. None of them were Wilson. He played the hole. What? Because he's black. Oh, because he's black. Like, the whole

darkness would be black. There you go. Oh, okay. But he's like light skin. This is exactly what I was saying. How I'm hoping we would start the episode. He said unhinged. Yeah, no, I didn't say this would be an unhinged episode. Oh, let me just go into my little drawer here.

Oh, vaporizer. Oh, wow. I love to see stars out of the corner of my eyes. I had a feeling that it was in here. Did you leave it from the last episode? I leave things between my episodes. So there's a nasty bottle of milk. in your fridge.

I love you'll leave shits in the bathroom. Oh, that's cool. You know what I was like dying, laughing at to myself for like three days? Yeah, yeah. It's just the idea of like walking up to someone and just like doing this to people just going up and just calling them a fag

and then just like throwing a smoke bomb and disappearing in a poop with smoke. Because that person would be like, what the fuck? Yeah, that would be the most crazy thing that ever happened. It'd be funny, too, if it still kind of disappears a little bit, and they could just see you running in the distance. It's like cracking up in a wizard outfit, too.

Did we play a prank on my buddy yesterday? By the way, this is pranks for me. This is my level of prank. We woke up at 4 a.m. at this wedding. We turned the light on, and we're like, congratulations, you won. You're the biggest faggot of the year. We just all clapped.

But we acted like we were genuinely proud of him. We're like, you did it. You did it. And he's just so confused. He's like, what is happening? Like, you did it. You're the biggest faggot of the year. You did it.

This was at the wedding? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This wedding, look, look, I, it's fun to say bad words. It just is. And I said that word a lot at this wedding. Not like in front of the bride and groom. I was, you know, I wasn't, uh, but, you know, after parties. Does anyone have any objection?

I would. The grooms are fag. Anyone else? Well, it's also like the most gay stuff I've done in one weekend. And it also just involved. with me. You know what I mean? Like, we did this thing. I don't know when this game started, but we got these flashlights and we do penis check. We'd be like, sir, quick

penis check, quick penis check. All right, Claire, good to go. We're like, pretending to be cops checking dudes' penises. Now you're getting a call. I'm getting spam calls every fucking day. Oh, really? Yeah, they know, they know I'm single and they're like, this is, uh, your car's extended war. Hello, I have a big pussy for you.

I pick up on that one. My buddy scam. Scam likely. Hit me up for a big pussy. I got about $400 in big pussy stock. I like the idea of that being the selling point that it's big. Couldn't get bigger. There's so much pussy.

That probably has to be a thing for like black guys with huge cocks. They're like, dude, she's got to have a big pussy. I don't know what I'm going to do. Definitely. She's got to have that. We're white guys with big cocks, you know. Stop acting like that exists. James.

You're fucking woke agenda. Maybe white guys also have big penises. James does have the bulge to end all bulges over there. This is actually. Whitey bulger. That's what they call me in the bedroom. That'd be a sick name for a fucking white porn star. Whitey Bolger.

James's putting both legs in one pant leg. The other one is just for his got. That's why I walk with a cane, bro. James gets excited. It's like, just the pant leg race. I'm a rocket. That, that,

coming on a audience full of nice families. Just passing out. Oh, man. I just pop by Agra. My favorite, there was one of my friends, it was karaoke night, the first night of the wedding.

How many nights were in the wedding? It was three nights. Is it a three-night wedding? Are they Indian? No, no, no. But it was fucking crazy. My buddy, there's all these old people there,

and my buddy started singing rock star by Nickelback. But he's putting his own flare to it. He's like, today's dictionary and today's new suit and a hang. And he kept up going, I want to be a fucking rock star.

There's old ladies that, I'm not even kidding, put their hearing aids down. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he kept going, I want to be a fucking rock star. I love that. His spin. Just, like, it's such an obvious thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It reminds me when that lady turned around your show to, like, face up.

Oh, yeah, there's a lady in a wheelchair one time who, like, literally turned her wheelchair around to face away from me. Yeah. And it's so funny, too, because I really do have good. but I only talk on here about the horrendous ones. That's the only funny part. Yeah, nobody's gonna be like, I fucking crushed it you. Yeah, he wants to hear that.

Nobody, dude. Yeah. Some guys will tell you, though, every time. Yeah, I fucking slayed it last night. Dude, I met a guy like that. He's like, a really confident black comic. He's like, bro, I never fucking bombed a day in my life. I'm like, zero percent chance.

That's what's going on. He's like, bro, I never ever been rejected about a woman either. I'm like, zero. What are you talking about? He's like, hold on. What? Big pussy? I'll get four.

Did you say I'll take four? Oh my God. But, dude, we fucking, Denver was awesome, though. By the way, okay, Denver, that place, people are out of their fucking minds there. Yeah. People who are like, you know what,

I don't really know if I want to live in a big city and they go out in the mountains. It's like, no, you're just not mentally stable enough to be in a big city. And your brain is just so fried that you can only look at trees all day. And that's the only way that you can adjust to reality.

And then also a lot of people who just do so much drugs. Like, obviously I was like, oh, dude, I did shrooms in Denver. But it's like, oh, fucking cool. So does it. everybody here, you fucking pussy. Yeah, yeah. That was your first time doing shrooms, right?

No. I was 14 years old, and I freaked out and told him myself. Yeah. He's over here like, yeah, I'm gonna put kids with a pussy mackle. No, no. I did drugs as a kid. Never had fun. I kept doing them to be cool and I was like, maybe I'll learn something about myself

and just never enjoyed them. Yeah, 14 is too young to be doing shrooms. Totally, totally, yeah, no, but it was funny, like being in Devere's smoking pot and doing shrooms. We haven't broken a single law since we've been here. Oh, that's right. It's legal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, dude, that's why everyone's fucked up there. Yeah, they're doing shrooms. Just the law of God. Legal. I mean, everything is decriminalized, yeah. But shrooms are totally legal. But it was funny, too, because what happened was I fucking, I did, we did shrooms. And by the way, I don't think shrooms make you more progressive at all.

And it's the biggest lie that people are like, it makes you bet. Like, we're on shrooms and there's a homeless guy. And normally I'd be like, maybe I'll give him darn. And I was like, keep that goblin man the fuck away from me. I'm like, that's the scariest person I've ever seen in my life. Get him out of here. maybe that's what's progressive. Yeah, yeah.

It's to burn them a lot. God's like, killed them. It's like, it's just nature's fertilizer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm giving you homeless. And you keep giving them money. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. Destroy them. I was like,

maybe Hillary Clinton is a lizard. Like, I've never thought about it. It tells me she might be a lizard. I definitely don't think they make you more progressive in, like, the political sense. I think they just make you more in touch with, like, whatever it is you are. Like, if you're secretly a homosexual, you'll fucking... You'll know.

But some of the information is inaccurate. So what happened was we... Oh, no, no. I kept saying I was gay. I'm like,

now these shrooms are fake. That's the broken. Somebody comes back shoes. They keep telling me I was gay. Yeah, let's see those photos you took in the one. Oh, I took some gay photos. What are these bullshit talky mushrooms?

That was pretty good, yeah, yeah. You should write that one down in your drawer. That's what that drawer is for? But, uh, dude, what fucking happened was, we took the shrooms and obviously I was scared of the homeless guy

the Circle K. And he pulled that shit. I love when he's like, he's like, I was like, he goes, excuse me, sir, I was just like, I don't have any money. He was like, how did you know I wanted money? I'm like, because you're sitting on the ground with no shoes and you're a white guy with dreads.

Excuse me, so what's the time? Because you're dressed like a Latin your eyes are facing two different directions. Instead of a monkey friend. You have a very sad dog. Yeah, you have four teeth in your mask. I know you're not asking for the time. But what happened was, dude, I fucking...

Yeah, sorry for laughing at the jokes. Yeah, I know I'm pretty good at this. I told you, I'd be fucking unhinged. Dude, I feel fucking loose. If this thing doesn't record, I might kill myself. I'm kidding, I'm fine. I keep having to assure people of that. I'm too confident to do something like that.

But anyways, we take the shrooms. We go... Dude, we're climbing the mountain. And we walk up... First off, I bought this shirt that says, who ate all the pussy at Spencer's... gifts because I'm like this will make me not in a bad mood, right? I'll be in a good mood. This will be

fun. And we're walking up the mountain and we hear gunshots the second we start climbing up the mountain and we're like, what the fuck? And this girl with Gage is like, that's for sure gunshots. We're like, okay, maybe, I don't know, she has gauges, maybe she's been through some stuff. And then this other guy. I got a shot in these years.

You don't want to go up there. Oh my gosh. But she's, fucking, dude, we, another guy comes down and he goes, we're like, what was that? He goes, oh, probably 30, 40 caliber. And he goes, I'm from Chicago.

I know what a gun sounds like. He goes, somebody up there saw something that they did not want to see. And I was like, that was an ominous thing to say on Shrooms. My buddy's like, yeah, somebody saw their fucking wife with their workout instructor to the mountains.

But we like climbed the mountain and I'm getting like slight visuals. Like I'm seeing like, you know, Mayan calendar just, that's all that I always see on Shrooms. Oh, really? Yeah. I never really get.

that. You saw the Mayan calendar? Yeah, I was on the smallest. I was in 0.35. Oh, my God. I'm very sensitive to mushrooms. Wow. Yeah, God just, he believes in me. He really wants me to see the vision. Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Keep you grounded, you know. Exactly. Right. Yeah, that's what happened afterward. Now on this podcast, I'm like, I'm the funniest motherfucker on the earth. Hustle universe! Yeah. But, uh, we fucking, um, there's these trees there that are, like, made out of some

sort of smelling. We could smell the trees. There was this weird, like, chemical in the trees that, like, makes it smell delicious. They smell like cum. Yes, they smell like cum. Because sometimes trees smell like come. I think dishwash dishes smell like cum to me. Yeah, there's a few things in life. Yeah, it's like

one of them is cum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But sometimes it's like a mole, like a mildew kind of smell. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember, like, by a baseball, there was a baseball field by my, like, high school, and it just always reeked of cum. Yeah, like, everyone is just like, God damn. Yeah.

Every fucking, who's the guy catching just fucking jerking off in there? but um it's where the umpire hides behind it yeah I just hide the guy jerking

it was that a baller strike I don't fucking know I'm just fucking care yeah this sport is so fucking gay I'm so fucking hard

I don't give a shit so high bro I need this inning to last longer ball ball ball ball

ball ball every time so what park were you at in Colorado? Like, what? It was somewhere in Boulder. Oh, okay. And then we get to the top of the mountain.

I started thinking about my breakup and I just started crying in this shirt that says, who ate all the pussy? And people walking by don't know any of this. They're like, he's just sad that somebody ate all the pussy. I just like, yeah. And dude, I went down. That is good that you cried, though.

I cried a bunch, dude. And then we went down to the river and dude, I fucking let out. Like, it was cool because there was these like paragliders, too, and they look like little army men, like parasailers. Isn't that be funny if that's who they're shooting? Sometimes just shooting bears. What the hell?

The Iraqis going out of it. Oh, my God. But I was by this river and like I, you know, I don't really, as I said, I don't believe Shroom thoughts. Like I think some of it's relevant, some of it's not. Because it was like, God was like, I'm really proud of you for how hard you work and stand up. I'm going to start crying by this river.

And then he's like, you were a good friend to all your friends. For sure. And then I was like, it was like, you were a male. And I was like, what? No, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, what the fuck was that? I was like, I am positive. I was not molested. Wait, so you just, I'm not like, 99% sure. You just felt that you were molested? Like, you felt like, yeah, yeah, I don't know.

But it's like, I've had that, it's part, isn't OCD thought I have, like, like, you have these intrusive thoughts that are like, yeah, yeah. Because you might have been, dude. That's the thing about being molested. It's like a win-win for pedophiles. Yeah. It's a memory. You'll never remember jumps out the window. I guess I don't need to dress up like the black neighbors if nobody's going to remember this.

That's what they do. They're evil. That's a somenage is in trouble for, right? He's not really Indian or something. Yeah, that's what it is. I heard he's lying about something. He's a Latino, man. No, he like lied about...

I'm so sorry. I like about where he grew up or something. He's like, oh, I'm from Northern California. And he was from like some other. part of California. Dude, everyone's being such a pussy about this whole thing. People are such fucking pussies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you should not hate San Manage for that. You should hate

him because he's the biggest fruit of all time. You're allowed to adjust details to make it easier. Like, I grew up north of Tampa and I just said Tampa. Then people would be like, oh, I'm from Tampa. Then you get more specific. But then there's always that asshole. It's like, oh, you think you're fucking from there. Yeah, really from there. It's funny that, okay, I'm not. I don't really care.

It's funny that him and Nicky Minaj have the same last name. Yeah. He looks like the doctor that's like injecting her ass. Like whatever it is that she's shoving in there. God bless him. I give you a discount because you're my cousin. Dude, that would be saying. Insomidaj is just a black guy.

What the fuck, man? Why wouldn't you lead with that? What are you afraid of? He's like, I don't know, man, dude. Why would you de-thrown yourself from being a black guy to be an idiot guy? He's always got stupid controversies. Yeah. He's like, my name's actually,

Hassan or it's Hassan or something like it's pronounced a little bit differently and then everyone's like no it's Asan Manash you came out with that Every fucking journalist did fucking Variety is like he's a lying sack of shit He might as well have raped 12 women Because he lied about the pronunciation of his name

Russell Brand Oh I'm out of snow rock star Open you pussy up Yeah that was that was I dude I swear the next article is gonna be like Did you know that you are a rapist? I'm like Everybody's fucking a rapist Yeah every single person

I would like to come out and say I'm a rapist. Let me just get ahead of it here. This way when they do find out that I am in fact a rapist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will have been very keen. At least he was on it. He never lied. That's how your mom talks about like Ronald Reagan.

He was saying he was raping the whole time. Tell my mom's Jewish. All my family was like Republican, but like I think the age of Trump stuff allowed them to be a little bit more honest about the Bush stuff. So he wasn't perfect, but they don't want to admit that he was completely wrong. Just lying. We all know Bush was the man at that time. He was the fucking man.

Dude, we watch a little jib jab videos. You remember the little jib jabs with their mouths would move? Fuck you like, this land is my land. Yeah. I love those. I would just make them and make them all me because I have no siblings, so I was just alone. It's the saddest shit on the planet.

Would it be funny if I was three different elves talking on Christmas? Yeah, my life's cool, man. You don't know nothing about that. Oh, my God. You did that at the wedding, or you're just talking about it in general with Jib Jib. No, I didn't do that at the wedding. Okay, I don't know.

I took gay pictures of my buddy in the van. Let's make those into a Jib Jib. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The most controversial part of that picture is I'm wearing a police hat. Uh-oh. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So were you, was there ever any time?

Was there ever any time in your childhood? I wasn't molested. Okay. Well, I just want to know if there was. an adult that kind of circulated and like well there was that you know uh there was that lifeguard we talked about before oh okay yeah yeah but i don't think anything happened yeah god told you what's up god knows more than you it wasn't god it's just your own brain wait i guess that's also information but it was that it's just who i am no no no no no i think it gives you like just random like it

because it plays your thoughts because i've also been on mushroom that thought i'm going to die which also is not a true thought i've also been on mushrooms and i'm like i should tell my parents i'm on mushrooms. The first time I did him, it's like, that's not a, it's not a real idea. No, I've been on mushrooms and, like, dating someone and, like, I've been like, do I even love this person? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm sitting there for a while, and, like, your brain is, like, telling you the opposite thing or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, like, the same thing, I just started weeping because I was like, I do love this person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was Hassan Mana. All right, fuck the TV, don't worry about that. I don't know why it's

doing that. Just, just, we'll worry about that later. I'm just glad I don't have to worry about the fucking neighbors, dude. Those people are fucking... I told him they're in like a band. Oh. They're like musicians and he's like a TikToker. I'm whispering this so they can't hear us because he was going to start singing his song. But we thought it'd be so funny to just start blasting his music on the TV.

You just to fuck with him. He's like, this shit sucks. This is fucking terrible. What fucking jagoff? Where does this guy live? Where is this guy? What is this? What's his ex?

exact address. My favorite part that way, too, is everybody blacking out being like the altitude here, man. It's the altitude. I'm like, no, you have a huge drinking. To be fair, we took a fucking private jet there, which was, I got fucked up on that thing.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We took a private jet from, it wasn't mine. Probably, I was just, I was telling him earlier, I probably shouldn't even mentioned. I won't get into the details I was telling you about. But, yeah, we took a private jet and those things are bumpy,

and yeah, I don't have much thoughts on it. They're cool, I guess. I've never done a private jet. Dude, my fucking buddy, he's like, I'm trying to play music. He's like, yeah, you, I was like, can I hook it at the Bluetooth? He's like, do we don't want to bother the pilots? I'm like, are you fucking kidding? We're not going to play some fucking hood-ass rap tunes.

Like, what the fuck? There's something seriously wrong with you. It's like, he's playing Juicy Jay in like a cup. He's like, isn't this sick guy? I'm like, no. This is not sick. I want to be fucking just. Dude, juicy J has to be the worst thing to listen to while you're crashing into the

You say no to sex with men Juicy J. can't. We were too distracted. Dude, I love me some juicy J, man. I think he came to my college. I definitely didn't attend, but... No, maybe he did. He performed that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Two chains graduated, like, really... Yeah, didn't he go to, like, Harvard or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Two chains, one tassel. But, uh... I mean, Juicy J is the opposite. He's like, I'm from the hood.

Like, he's like, I'm from the hood. I ain't never done this. I ain't never heard of college. Who's that? Did I go to high school with her? College Jackson. My first love. Yeah, I went to college.

College. I went to college house. So retarded. I just need to keep hitting my voice. What thing I've said before, I respect about Juicy J is like as a hood rapper, him talking about getting his ass eating is like the coolest shit ever. Yeah, that's pretty sweet. He's like, like, squeeze on my butt, lick on my nuts. That's cool.

Yeah, we're very lucky, like, with the English language, how many words rhyme that are like, like, you know, just like sex related or. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like not that hard to, like, be a rapper, I feel like. In a lot of ways, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you be in a Chinese rapper? Yeah, yeah. Actually, that's probably easier because everything rhymes with like ching and Chong. Bing bong, ching chong.

Yep, we're recording. Yeah, the microphones are odd. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. No, there's still a lot. Look, this is, this is silly town. There's no repercussions for anything I say. That's my favorite cancer culture thing.

People are like, it's actually consequence, conscience. It's like, I don't want consequences for any of the things I say. I don't stand by them. No. I love the gay community, but it's fun to call straight guys gay. Yeah. It's a fun thing. I stand with Hassan Minaj.

We should not be telling the truth. We should not be spewing facts. But what was I saying? Something about Juicy Jay. Yeah, I love him. And yeah, yeah. You were trying to blast it on the private jet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because I'm better than all the listeners.

Right. Yeah, the music and the cop thing is so funny. Yeah, because I was like, dude, stop. It doesn't, it's not as loud. But that was like, it's just good. I'm like, no, it's not. That was like the original Bluetooth speaker in the cafeteria and lunch. Yeah, yeah.

When someone, like when Wiz Khalifa dropped a new song, would just be like, Oh, last night to let the party get the best of me. One of my friends who's dead,

love him. I don't know why. Why do I always have to introduce my friends as dead? Yeah, well, it's relevant.

Yeah, it is relevant. Yeah, one of your former friends. There was one of it, he goes, he's like, last night I let the party get the best of me. He's like,

that's so me, dude. The song was like written by me. He's like, Whiskalifa basically wrote. It's like he knew me and then knew what I like. He knows I like bitches and partying

and he's, have you, have you listened Taylor Alderdice, like Whiskly's mixtape. It came out in like 2012 or something like that. No, so I'm really weird with this. I hated music when it came. I'm a fucking hipster douche.

Like when Lil Wayne came out, I was like, this guy sucks. When Whisklydeh came out, I was like, this guy sucks. And now I'm like, this is my favorite music I've ever heard. Yeah, yeah. Dude, Taylor Alderdice was so good, but like a lot of people hadn't heard it. So like, when we were going up to Utica for that show, I like put it on in the car. And I told

everyone, I was like, just so you know, like, the first line in every Wisglypa song is about how much weed he's smoking. And they're like, all right. And then sure enough,

like the first song comes on, he's like, thousand pounds of weed. Oh, wait, that's a reefer party. That is a reefer party. Oh, dude,

I remember one of my friend, one of this guy in high school, he tried to plan a reef. I remember we're in the backyard. We're smoking parsley out of like a can because like, I heard this get you high. And then these older kids

come up with their bong. And they're like, oh, parsley, yeah, that's what we're smoking through, you fucking pussies. Like, You guys want to smoke some real weed? And we're like, yeah, totally.

And then I remember smoking this dude's thing. And the last thing I remember before I, like, greened out is he's like, do we should have a reefer party? Which is the lamest thing. You're going to have chicks smoke and your fucking blunts. None of them are going to fuck us because you're too high and scared. And then we're all going to go home. But it was so funny.

I remember I hit the guy's pipe and then stood up. Everything went black. Or it was a bong. And then I saw a little circle. There's a little circle I could see out of. So I had to turn my head just to talk. the people because the only thing I can see is a little circle and then started expanding and I went to wrestling practice

and just got fucked up. Yeah, I've been there on mushrooms. I've been, yeah, yeah. I did that one time before a baseball practice. I got like super high because I was like a senior and I'm like, fuck it, like whatever. And this was like the beginning of the season. So it was indoors and like the gymnasium we were in. Like the walls are just the same color as a baseball.

Yeah, yeah. So like people throw it and like nobody even like sees it coming. And then someone gets like hit. And I was catching bullpens. And I literally one pitch I was standing. I was just like crouched like this. And I'm like fucking ripped. And a fastball comes in.

I didn't even move my glove. Just hit me right in the fucking house. They're like, Patty, okay? I'm like, yeah, I just couldn't see it. I'm also flying through the stars right now. Yeah, dude. Getting high in high school was a different experience. Totally different.

The older you get, it's like it wanes. It was more fun. It was more excited. Just like the cup, like when I heard, like, the phone in the cup. I was a music. It was loud. I was music in the mouth. Guys, still I am.

Like this shit fucking rock. Dude, you're fucking scrillics, bro. What the fuck, dude? They wanted me to be a Viji. I said, no. I've never seen anyone do that. I do that with my electric toothbrush. I do that with a giant of...

I'm a cherry pie. Why do you pick the worst? music. There's like a shitty kiss song on one of them. Who fucking likes this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had it fucking queued up. You were ready to go, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's just playing the alpha male anthem. Oh, that's how you. You were doing push-ups when I came in. Yeah, yeah. There was a girl who used to masturbate

with a toothbrush in high school. Oh, I think a lot of them did. Yeah, and that would be funny to have a toothed. Oh, black men, ain't your teeth, damn a lamb. You really scrubbing your teeth. They're all teeth covers. Oh. BlackBetty.

Bross your teeth BlackBetty. Yeah, there was a kiss song. Would you be able to switch them out like Nintendo DS cartridges for different times? That was the song you listen to do every day for the rest of your fucking lives.

Until you didn't brush your teeth anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. But speaking of Vipa, one of my favorite fucking stories, totally unrelated. But one of my friends, his mom stole his weed

and then he went into his closet and reached to try to find it got hidden the head by a giant dillow, like a giant vibrating dildo, much of sex books. And I remember it was so funny because then he confronted her about it. Like he put it like on her table. He turned

the meat tables up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He literally goes, mom. What is this? I tried flushing it down the toilet. That's too thick because your pussy's fucking fat. How big is your cunt, mom?

How much does dad not satisfied. He's a great man. Oh, man. Was it like one of those juicy, floppy ones? Dude, it was like, it was like a stiff, just like glass. I think, I'm pretty sure it's the one that's called like the Great American Challenge. I've been in a sex tour one time.

Oh, God, dude. I heard so even. Trail of tears. Oh, my God. I like watching, like porn. I like watching porn where girls just taking a giant dildone. Yeah. Not like asshole stuff.

me, but like a pussy taking a giant dildo or penis. Yeah, that's pretty cool. I, dude, sometimes those ads get me where it's just like a goblin with just the fattest... And, like, he puts it in you, like, see it coming up her body.

Her head is being pushed to the side. I'm like, how can you talk? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All of your organs are in new places right now. Come like you've never came before. That's why those new aliens have those giant ribcages, dude. You've seen the pictures of the aliens? they're taking dons.

That's why. Yeah, dude. They like the probing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's my favorite part. It's like, we're taking all these, like, funny, mean pictures with us. But that's probably, like, third Jesus Christ. We're just, like, taking these pictures.

They're like, ha, ha, look at this stupid alien. He's made out of cake. And they're like, we're going to nuke the fuck out of you. Yeah, like that's our hero. Yeah, didn't Mexico? They got, like, some, um, some, like, don't, whatever, they, mummified. Yeah, so the updates now, by the way, by the time this comes out,

I'll be very single, homeless, and the aliens will be debunk. But for now, we're talking about what's happening right now. The aliens, a lot of people like it's fake, but the Mexican doctors, the doctors in Mexico, I'm not, I would never disparage Mexican doctors. They're just as good as our doctors. El doctor is they're called. But they were saying they're like, yeah, we have no evidence that these bones were manipulated anyway. Wow. Which is pretty great.

But also, maybe it was just like, there was just a race of people that looked weird, you know? Maybe. But it's weird. They found eggs instead of it. could have just shoved eggs up its ass. Yeah. It could all be, you know. I'm...

I could all be... I was 50-50 on it. Then I was 65. And then now I'm down to 50-50 again. Because Ryan Graves, the guy who saw, like, the Cuban sphere is like, I'm embarrassed that I was at this conference. Oh, really? I don't know what happened.

Maybe some guy also. Maybe fucking Danny Masterson also showed up and raped a bunch of people. He's like, I didn't know Russell Brand to be there. I don't know. Oh, no Australian of here? How is she old enough? Do we know how time works in space? Well, she vaccinated.

You shouldn't take a jab, but you should take this cork. Funny. It's terrible. It's the worst fucking Rosalbrandt. Funny, she's dead, but she still smells like me. The only thing I could do by him is, I'm out of snow, the rock star. What did he say? I'm Aldous Snow, the rock star, and getting to the Greek.

Yeah, yeah. That's a great movie. It's going to be hard watching that, being like, wow, this heroin addict is a rapist. Dude, that was the weird. What? I'm kidding. Yeah. I don't mean to disparage.

I love my heroin addict listeners. Y'all are the shit. Nobody is, like, surprised, I think. Because, like, he's out. It's really hard when you're a sex addict. Yeah, it's hard when you're a sex addict. You get accused of sex crimes. Raping as a sex addict is, like, the equivalent of, like, smoking out.

And the guy that was buckles on his wrists, you have, like, a pretty high chance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's, he, he just had, like, weird little things. Oh, they're saying from buckles, like from. No, no, like a, like a, like a belt around his wrist.

Oh, yeah. He was dressed like Marley and Marley from Christmas. Christmas. Marley and me. Marley and me, yeah. Like a dead dog. Yeah. But he, uh, what is it too? Like, I mean, it's all stuff because he was like molested. So I always have like a little emphasis.

I mean, you shouldn't be out there raping people either way. As a fellow. Yeah. I was not molested, dude. Also, almost not him. Producers, please, I'm serious. Do not name this episode of Michael was molested. I'm dead serious.

Because he likes to do things like that. No, no, no. You leave that response. Yes. Yes. And it's always something horrendous. that's your boy packs right yeah yeah yeah yeah

Pax of Fleming shout out shout out yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that stuff's uh alien stuff I don't know I was gonna take it back I'm like yeah rap's bad right it's bad it's bad don't be homophobic I did yeah I don't know I uh yeah by the time this comes that'll be debunked I don't know it's weird too because like that thing it does annoy me though people are always like oh it looks just like ET or aliens movies like yeah because they're basing that

like people are like oh I saw I see that I saw saw aliens and then Steven Spielberg's like oh I'm gonna write a script based off what people saw yeah he's not just making like a cube with arms or something like that yeah I just hope aliens aren't like hotter than us that's like the last thing from that picture I doubt it they were the ugliest motherfuckers

yeah that's that's at least less threatening I had a dream last night about aliens it was uh we found like an alien pod it was so funny because I was like there's no cease inside it but turns out it was a gravitron so like what you do is you just lean against the wall and it spins and circle you know like the ones at the park so you just don't fall while

it's like flying through the air. And then we ended up in Chile. And then, because my girlfriend in the dream, we're still dating in the dream. Subconscious hasn't caught up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But we fucking, she's like,

it's not an alien spaceship. We landed Chile in three seconds. I was like, you can tell me it's not an alien spaceship now. But it felt like a luxury vehicle. Like it had like this cool padding on the inside. And then I woke up and then just turned a flashlight in my apartment because I freak out in the middle of the night.

I'm like, I hope there's not aliens. Oh, they're there. I don't want to go back to chili. You would be the guy to get abducted, too. It's always the one, like, sniffing around too much. Yeah, yeah, it always is. Yeah. But that's why I don't believe a lot of the abductees

because they're like, yeah, I saw an alien, and then I kept following it and the next thing. Like, they always see a UFO like weeks in advance. And then they just saw a Korean guy. Like, they've never seen a small Korean guy. They're like, oh, my God. What the hell? In Albuquerque, they got aliens.

He was a, you see, noodles with some kind of stick or some probe he was eating his worms with he had little eyes and he spoke in a language I could not comprehend

alien yeah dude Jimmy Carter saw an alien really? The president he has a UFO story so yeah yeah yeah

I mean they all have they've all looked at it and they're like we're gonna tell nobody about this no when he was a young man he was like oh I saw when he was with his brothers

he was called into like a hotline like hey I just saw some weird fucking lights in my cornfield. Yeah. And my peanut. My peanuts. They're coming from my nuts. I'm gonna go to White House and give a piece of my mind. That's how he became

president. Wow. Didn't he want to become president? They were not related to that, right? No, no, no. He was like the most moral of the presidents, right? I don't know. He didn't drop a single bomb during his presidency. That's true. For a second, this is how bad I am, I thought you were saying, like, N-word lines. Plenty of those.

Plenty of those. Yeah. Other presidents? I mean, Nixon, right? That was way more. Nixon or Carter? What one got caught with like the most racist rant? Nixon. I think it was Nixon. Nixon had a lot of audio tapes.

So you got a lot of that. He's like, he's like, look, I liked you. He just can't trust him. He's like some crazy shit like that. There was one or two where he's like, make sure this is recorded.

He leads with that. Now, I think we need to do something about these stinky Indian things. He's like, okay, so there's aliens in Albuquerque. Dude,

what was it? There was one president. My favorite was, like, so you know Jay Edgar Hoover, right? He's like the head of the FBI or whatever, the CIA during like the organized crime. He was like a cross-dresser or something like that. Yeah. And then one of the guys under, what president was that?

Do you know? He like literally had a committee where some guy got copying a homosexual. Like something like guy, which back then, dude, that is fucking. That was the end. That should be like the gay pride flag should just have like a Republican senator in the 60s getting cop blowing a guy. That is a hero. I know he wasn't

want to come out, but he, yeah. Think about the loss you get from that as opposed to just being like someone in a small town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, they get like criticized or whatever, but imagine losing your, that little pain of an American. Yeah, they take off the flag thing.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, my time. Give it back. No, that looks so good with what it's like. They're like, how did we not know? Okay, so. The black people should not be allowed to go to 7-Eleven. This is like the Republicans in the Senate. They're like, hmm, there's something spicy about that bit.

I like it. It's got that Southern charm. We call that in North Carolina Southern Charm. I have passed around these folders. Everybody has a different color. These are the different issues. Okay, so we have black people getting rights. Ew, is what I say.

Over here, we have immigrants. Yay or ew. Ew, women want to vote? No way. Yes or, oh. The first game, man, was fine to me. But, yeah, and then Jay Edgar, who was hilarious because there was, like, so much evidence that he was just cross-dressing.

It was just so funny to think about, like, a serious guy. Like, get out of here, get out of here. There's nothing to see here. That's why they named the vacuum after him. He's dressed like a maid. Honey, you look like a regular Jay Edgar Hoover in that dress. What did you say,

Hoover? Yeah, I got it that. But I think there's a weird thing. There's like different types of like, there's like so many other things. There's like transgender people. And then there's, what do you call them? Like, uh...

Okay, let's figure this time. Well, then there's dudes that are like just in dressing like a woman. And they just want to get jerked off. It's like humiliating to be dressed as a lady. And then there's drag queens too. Which is totally different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they don't like being jerked off at all.

No, no, no, no. They like dancing around. You've got to put money in their jockstrap. Yeah. Or I guess it's a thong in that case. Yeah, it immediately transfers. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it.

As soon as you remove the cup from the jockstrap. Did you ever have to wear a cup for any sports? No, I did wrestling. You didn't wear a cup. I was talking about it. want you to show Hog. Yeah, they want like,

whoever designed the wrestling outfit was definitely like the pedophile. He's like, these bow has got to be wearing an aerodynamic outfits.

It was a single? It was a single? Yeah, yeah, which is like literally just like... I wore a single for weightlifting.

I know exactly the vibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I'm like, like this with my fucking little peener out. Yeah, too. I'm fucking lifting a bunch of weight. Looks good.

And when you're wearing with those things. Weightlifters should wear like parachute pants. Yeah, that would be cool. No sure. Just like vanilla eyes.

Yeah. Because what they should do is you should have to hide all your muscles. So you don't know who's the strongest day. It's a great idea. So it's a level playing field mentally. And then at the end, when they announced the winners, that's when you like take it. And you're like, oh, of course that guy. That guy's so big.

He was hiding. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're wearing like like fucking the Russian outfits. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Like giant fur coats. Yeah. There's a family guy about that where he's like, it's like the risk of like dating in Russia. It's like two people in fur coats. And then they take their clothes up. one's fat as shit when I'm skinny.

They're like, oh, man. And the other guy's like, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. The funny part is, like, me and my girlfriend are break it up. We're both, I don't know if we're trying to do it to look. Like, we're both trying to look our sexiest. Like, we're both going to the gym.

And for me, it's like, I just want to show her that I'm still attractive, which is sadder than me wanting to be single. But I feel like next week, I'm going to have, like, veneers and she's going to have, like, giant fake boobs or something. Hello, honey. Yeah. Yeah. just popping them. I'm attracted. You should get like vampire fang.

Ooh, you should go full Edward Cullen. I'm too fat to be a vampire guy. You got to be like a thin, pale white guy and say, eh. That means you're a vampire gets a lot of pussy if you're fat.

Really? That's that works. Yeah, drinking a lot of blood, a lot of seduction. Dr. Dr. drinking a lot of booty. Yeah, what about blood light,

dude? Bloodlight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, no, you should get like... Dylan Mulvaney. Wow. Blood, light. Yeah.

Dude. I want to suck your penis. I want to be a woman. Transylvania. This goes all the way to the top. Daddy! It all makes sense. Remember Van Selsing with...

Dude, I remember there's the funniest where movies like that, that you're like, this was the sickest movie ever. And you check around on Tomatoes, you're like, 20%. That can't be accurate. He watches a dog. You're like, this is the most retarded shit

I've ever watched. But they really went for animation that they weren't able to yet. That's the whole thing. Dude. But I respect them for trying. They were making those weird, like big jugged vamp-

Those vampires were hot as shit, dude. But then they turned to vampires. You're like, this feels like beastiality if I whack off to this woman who has wings. I don't know where the line gets on. Yeah.

Dude, vampires are fucking hot, dude. Of course. Yeah, but blood grosses me. Blood and sex involved. I don't like it. Yeah, but they're the reason why,

like, goth girls are attractive. you think we were a kid you saw like the hex girls from like Scooby Doo and you're like ooh that's what it was because you're like she could hex me bewitch me you know I just wandered into a hot topic as a young man and that's where I got the got the goth girl thing from oh okay like a nice little nice little manager a nice little manager and uh it's probably some fat chick with green hair she was beautiful she was the hottest girl I've ever seen you guys don't know what I thought is that your only bar Simpson skateboarder Or do you have more in the bat?

Yeah, that is funny. People are so hot that you get older, you're like, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I guess I was just a horny child. And then it's the reverse. The fourth woman I saw. Yeah. Yeah, they saw my mom in the new.

It's the reverse, too, when you get out of high school and there's a girl who, like, blooms, kind of. But it's like, they didn't bloom. You just got older, and you realize they've been hot the whole time. Yeah. There's, like, a few girls by high school who, like, nobody fucked because, like. Really? Like, just for some reason. I was always the one that I would always.

He's fucked the girls that like everybody else didn't think are hot I'm like you guys are missing out Oh wow You look a hero In kind of way In multiple ways

Yeah A thousand ways probably Yeah yeah yeah I mean look Did I serve in Iraq? No Am I equal to all those men? Yes

Come on yeah Is somebody to clip this one day And take me down? Absolutely Yeah But you deserve that discount You deserve a discount Dude still in valor's hilarious

It's funny being in Colorado There's a thrift store And they had like All these like army men things Like that's hilarious to just take something out. Because if you're giving away your army uniform, you had a dark time.

So anybody that's like, yeah, there was definitely a Korean man shot in this. And then now I'm wearing you're like, it's trendy. Oh, God, that would be terrible to see as someone who died in the like, like a Korean guy who died.

And then just be like, don't worry, your legacy will live on forever. And it's just some guy getting fucking calm on his face from another guy. They wear the jacket. He's like, no! He haunts the jacket.

That would be, I would like to haunt something after I die. Yeah, do you know? Maybe a vape. Maybe someone's vape. Dude. And then like, like, exhale me and I'm like, I've been here the whole time. You're like, so, uh, in the news this week, we do news from bed as a ghost. I think I'd be a hot tub haunter.

That's cool. You'd be a hot tub haunter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty cool. I'm going to be the suction thing on the bottom. Oh, just sucks someone's butthole. Just whisper your secrets to it. Noted to be released, you need to do the one thing that is keeping the governor of Cincinnati.

What? And you were molested. That would be fun to just keep telling people their moments. You were totally molested. And you just start blaming people. It was your third grade teacher. And you just got your house, you did this to me. It's like, what the fuck is that kid talking about?

I think I would believe a ghost. over a politician. Yeah, a politician tell you're molested. Barack Obama's like Baddy, you were molested. You were molested?

Oh, in general? Just like in any... They have no reason to lie. Ghost wouldn't lie to you. No, ghosts don't lie. They have no ulterior ones. They're dead. Yeah, yeah.

They're just trying to spook around. Yeah, yeah. I liked it. What is it? It was funny to listen to Matt Rife on Joe Roggan. He said, I'm totally into ghosts. I'm not, by the way,

I'm not shit on them anymore. I do apologize for my shitting on Matt Wright. We're just jealous of his Bob. Totally. Totally. And his face.

Yeah. You know, that's it. Just a little jealousy. He probably had cock surgery too. He had like some sort of jaw surgery.

He probably had cock reduction surgery. That's how you get a while then out. You got a show Nick Cannon your penis. He's like, you're black enough for the show. You can be on here.

You're not Jewish. Are you? Okay, cool. That guy, that guy fucking won cancel culture. Yeah. Yeah. anti-Semitic shit, he still

run it. You just had two more kids to cancel. Exactly. That's the thing. The more kids you have, the more people you have tweeting on your side. Yeah, yeah. It's got good numbers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I think also the thing with a lot of people made this joke with him when he got in trouble, he's like, he was like

it was one of those two where he was like, yeah, no, the Jews control the banks and then somebody shut off his bank account and he's like, mm-hmm. Like that's one of those. So he was like, that sucks so hard. I mean, you should never shut off somebody's bank account, but that sucks so hard when people are trying to stop stereotypes

but it just totally backfires. Yeah, yeah. Hmm, curious. Jews also deliver pizzas to my house. He just keeps trying to play with the power. What's going on your life? I pull my back out recently. This is one of the funniest

things I've been in. I was jerking off on the floor instead of the couch and dude, my... Like laying on my head. Yeah, yeah, and I put an ice pack on my back. I was supposed to ice my back because it's injured. And I'm like, okay, well, I'll jerk off and ice my back at the same time. And then I came and I realized I was stuck like that because my back was fucked up.

So I was just stuck on the floor with the come on me for like five minutes so I had to gain the courage to get it. Do you have a life alert button? How funny me to pick up your grandpa just covered in jizz? I don't know what happened. I started in the shower. This is soap.

I have viscous shampoo. It's soap. Don't touch it. Remember when I took you to Six Flags. Don't think of this. Think of that. Don't remember me by this.

He just starts haunting his grandson. It wasn't caught. Okay. Okay. It wasn't sploo. Dude, why are showers? They should update that. They've just been nuking grandparents left and right.

They need to make him so much less dangerous. They're like, let's put a bar in there. Yeah. That'll hit their head. It's more effective. to be cracking open and dude it's like you're literally like let's fill a bowl that's really hard with

soap and water and try to have old people stand it's like incredibly dangerous like a Japanese game show yeah yeah there needs to be there needs to like be some kind of service where we like dangle them like a hose of house

yeah dude just a grandpa and a harness just getting showered just a line of them going out of factory just like naked granny just like yeah or like they're fucking like like they're like like

fucking suits like a place said just going in a circle oh you're picking up your grandma

oh it's been two hours they put hooks in my back there's hooking her like it's a fucking

Christian angel monster or something that we'll make her dirt

disappear welcome to Chris Angel's elderly cleaning factory dude

his tricks were so funny he's like I'm going to put this

bar penis. We're like, how is that as done? How is that magic? That's the thing is, like, like magic. That's not magic. No, it's somebody who's disgusting. It's just pain. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, magic is like slicing

a woman in half and then having her come back. Totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you find out really... A door. Yeah, adore. Is that how you do that trick? I don't know. Hey, bro, yeah. I think he says two women. There's another one just leaning down. Yeah. Yeah. If you're a twin, like,

you really only have a few job paths if you want to work together Yeah Yeah yeah You could be two We watch a scary movie three I forgot how amazingly funny

that movie is My favorite part is like He kills the guy's wife In like a drug drunk driving accident Like Charlie's wife dies You know how that She gets hit by a car

Yeah And the guy who hit her goes Hey I'm gonna need a ride home later Which is the funniest line In any movie I can kill the guy's wife I will say this though Like those movies are funny

But you forget that 95% of the movie is just a guy getting hit in the balls. Like, every scene ends with just somebody getting hitting the balls and somebody. Yeah, unfortunately, we peaked in comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We found the funniest thing.

It's people get hit in the balls. Yeah, and farts. Yeah, yeah. Now it's like, now everyone tries to make, like, a comedy where it's like... What if I was from the northern part of California instead of the southern part, would that be funnier? What if I was a white guy,

surrounded by black guys? The shit that would ensue. is this wild now Will Ferrell, Ian. Black guys. Wilfaro was in a series of movies where he was just being taught different things about different cultures.

Get hard. Elf. It's like every movie's like, whoa. Family? I fucking love Will Ferrell, dude. I don't understand people who don't like him. He's amazing. Yeah, it is crazy.

People don't like him. The only person I have just, I was saying this on a couple episodes ago, I got so mad. I think I told you I got in the back of a cab. And Seth Rogan had, I was advertising new Ninja Turtles movies. And he's like,

hey, guys, make sure you don't litter. And I'm like, I hate you now. I hate being told what to do. By the way, it's also like, I was known in high school

as the guy who didn't litter, which I know makes me sound like a pussy, but I also got laid a lot. But I also, I was like, people with litter. I'm like, don't fucking litter, man.

It's not cool. But then now, now, now, you're like hot. I know, right? You like stood up to him. Once again,

I might as well have stormed the beaches of Normandy. It's neither here nor there. I'm like the ugliest girl in school, but I like that you don't litter. But it also made me realize how annoying I must have been to my friends in high school when I was like, don't litter. It's like, fuck you, bitch. I'm gonna fucking litter. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Littering is kind of odd though. Like, yeah, I don't know. I never was doing that. I never had to be like, hey guys, let's not do that. They all caught the memo. I was, but then I am a glass bottle breaker. I like breaking glass. Well, the worst is, dude, I broke glass in my fraternity house

One time or somebody did. And this guy showed up one of the meetings. He's like, guys, I have a dog. He's not retarded, but he's like, guys, I have a dog. And he helps me get around the building. Very soft. He sniffs my food before I eat it, so I know it's not bad. But the guy, fuck it.

He was like, yeah, no, I actually have a dog. So, you know, if you guys cannot like break glass than fraternity outs and we're like, you fucking, pussy. It's a fraternity. It's the only place that it's so. acceptable to just break glass everywhere. You should eat his dog. And you're a bad dog on it. You just got a dog so you get fucking pussy.

We know that's why you got a dog. It's just your pussy machine. Yeah. Same reason you're in a fraternity. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. It's like somebody plays some ACDC. I'm going to smash some shit. They're like doing. Yeah, it's fun. You were breaking stuff guy at all? No, I even littered. I never littered until I got to the city.

Yeah. And it's like every... I fucking littered. Everything is trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also, I have an OCD. One of my upset. was like very anti-littering. So I'd go up and pick up trash that other people left. Oh, dude. You were fucked.

Yeah, my brain is fucked up. But that was like my obsession. I was like, oh, I'm a bad person if I don't go pick up trash from other people. So now one of my things, like part,

some of your OCD exposure is just being a piece of shit. Like you're like, I got to drop that on the ground. Let me just leave it because it's like more important that I fix my OCD than one rapper is on the ground.

For sure. But yeah. But yeah. To the turtles. What's up? Those girls can go fuck themselves. Yeah, honestly,

I've never met a turtle I like. Also, this is what I'll say I'm four movies being more progressive, but why didn't they make a hot chick? They had Megan Fox and then they got like an unattractive character for the new one movie? The new Ninja Turtles thing.

Oh, well, it's like a voice thing, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, they made April O'Neill not hot. They should have a hot black woman play April O'Neill. Like, I'm all for a diversity. You know, get some diversity. Diversary. I will make this diver. It's an Asian guy running Hollywood. I would make a diversion.

But it's like, it's like, It's weird that that's like a thing now. And now we're like, yeah, let's have less sexualized characters. Like, no, there should be some hot chicks. Yeah. Make everybody hot in a movie. Yeah, yeah. They're also making every red head from a cartoon into a black person.

Like every redhead. It's a transaction. They've got to do it. That's what they're doing. Yeah, they just rearranged the letters of ginger. Jesus Christ. That's not my joke. That's, I don't know who's joke.

That is. That is somebody's joke somewhere. Yeah, I've heard somebody say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a clip online. I'm not, listen, I steal all my material.

Yeah. I sit outside and write down everything I'm going to say on a podcast. You're just listening to a racist uncle. But what was it? Yeah, no, they could have had like fucking, to be fair,

like, I don't know, you can have, they should make them black women with red hair because there's a lot of black women red hair. Yeah.

Yeah. I think that's, I think black woman red hair, very hot. I don't. Really? Yeah. As I said,

I'm a hero. I don't. You keep running for president, aren't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I might be the least racist guy. I don't like when the whole thing is one color. I like when the roots are a color and the natural or natural than tips are a color. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I need to just know. I don't think ice spice is hot. That's the only person I don't think is hot. I still don't know who that is. Okay. I know I've heard her rap or whatever. She looks like this microphone right here, Michael Holder. Yeah, red hair.

Okay. It just sticks his mouth on it. I mean, Nikki Minaj is so fucking hot. Yeah, they're all hot. Queen Latifah. Doja Cat. Doja Cat is so hot. Whoopi Goldberg.

You're losing me. I'm not progressive anymore. Whoopi Goldberg supported Hassan Minaj there. Oh, really? Yeah. It's the only support she's been a part of since the Wonderbra. She's a Wonderbra person? I think so.

What's the Wonderbra? What's a Wonderbra? It's just women who have big, engorged. Melons Oh, big God I can't do her voice There's a certain bra for big dude Why do you think

That it's wrong To lie That's pretty good The Holocaust was a lie But it's good They said it Homi Yeah

She's just marching How did the pit tracks Get on the zeeley Merge This is cool This is good I'm glad it's good Yeah yeah

I think it's about that No, let's keep going. We got to wrap. We got to wrap up. So me and James are doing a monthly late night show. Okay. Late night with James Donlin.

Okay. He's the host. I'm his counterpart. Who was like the second guy to Hitler? Okay. Ava Braun. Yeah, I'm Ava Braun to his A doll. Was she hot?

Can we pull up pictures, guys? Yeah. Before we end the episode. Put it on the TV. Right now. Jamie, pull that up. David Brown have big old tits. Yeah. So anyway, getting away from that metaphor,

it's every first Wednesday of the month at Starbar, for now, if they keep behaving. Yeah, I drank way too much coffee. I was like, I better not bomb this episode. Now I'm freaking out. Yeah. No, no, no, you were great. You were pretty good.

No, no, no. I had a great. I like this just review of the episode. Yeah, you're like, okay. By the way, Ava Braun, not hot. No. No woman before 1985 was hot. Yeah, that's probably true.

Yeah. Anyways, it's at Starbar. Yeah, we also do just a weekly comedy show there. Same time, 10 p.m. Wednesday nights at Star Bar. And then, yeah, news from bed, the podcast. I think I'm going to have James and Malia on full time. Oh, nice. And then if they can't make it, I'm going to mix people in.

Okay, mixed me in. Like you and, you know. Dennis Quaid. Dennis Quaid. Rodney Dangerfield. Rodney King. Rodney King, Rodney Dangerfield. Martin Luther King.

Martin Luther King. Senior. Ronald Reagan, Ronald McDonald. Is anybody who has Iran in their name? Iran? Like the continentation? Iran's probably going to circle it on the map next to my bed. With a microphone in front of it.

If you're listening on YouTube, follow me. Michael Good Comedy on Instagram. If you're not on YouTube, episodes on YouTube, earlier episodes are on Spotify and Apple. Thank you.