Morning Good - I'm Never Gonna Vote Again - Episode 94

Episode Date: July 3, 2022

Paddy and Matt are both hilarious people who've been on the show a few times. Check out their previous appearances on the show and give them a follow on social media for more.Paddy's on IG @paddy_is_funky and Twitter @paddydefino, and Matt is on IG @mattbowmancomedy.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to Morning. And we're here with Pat Heedafino and Matthew Bellman. You know, listening to... I don't even know what that is. I was going to say, is it the ghost of Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Maybe, maybe. This mic smells like, come, what was Charlie Dawson on it?

Whoa. He was actually. That was the microphone. Jesus Christ. Happy Pride. God damn, dude. I, by the way, were you in the village at all this weekend? Thank fucking God no.

All right. Now, that could sound bad. That's the funny thing about pride stuff. It's like, people are like, how it's pride right now? I'm like, well, it's a nightmare. It's the worst thing. I'm like, I'm nothing against what they're doing. I realize I'm hobophobic.

Yeah, really? I realize. Actually, I don't think I'm homophobic. I meant like traffic. Like, it's one of the things, it's such a shit show. Traffic. But you can't say, yeah, because there's just hundreds of people in the street. And then you're like, you can't be like, it's a disaster out.

This is a nightmare. I would feel the same way if it was any large, if it was fucking Buddhists or I don't, anybody, I would be furious with that amount of people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it does make it worse that they're all gay. Yeah, absolutely. No, I realized, because I was like, fuck, I'm homophobic. That was like the thought I had.

You think you are? No, I realized what it is. is because I've talked to people, I've talked to women about this. Okay. Because when you talk to men, they don't give you the correct response. They just think it's funny. Yeah. But like when I talk to women about it, I'm not homophobic.

What I am is I get very uncomfortable by sexually explicit behavior. Because pride is not about gay people anymore. Women are taking over pride to dress like sluts the same way they did Halloween. And St. Patrick's Day. And St. Patrick's Day. And, dude, Christmas is next. fucking Thanksgiving. Do you have a problem with women dressing slutty? Yes. And it's

not like I hate them because of that. There's other reasons I hate women. Yeah. I hate, I hate, I just get uncomfortable when I, when people are like, and it's, that's because I'm like, the uncomfortability is necessarily discrimination. It is phobia. It is phobia. It is a fear.

Well, I would say, yeah, I don't like anybody doing anything explicit in public, like if two straight people are making out, I'm like this, can you not? I know, do. I'm ashamed. of your bodies. I just go, you know, there is a god. Yeah. I look him in the eye, say, there is a god, you know? For me, if there's

and his name is Allah. If there's slight gentleness, then I'm disgusted by it. Slight gentleness? So, like, if a guy is slowly kissing his girlfriend, I'm like, that's disgusting. But if he was just butt-fucking her, or if two dudes were butt-fucking, or if two lesbians were butt-fucking, I'd be like, that's fun. Like, there's... Intimacy grosses me out. Gotcha. Not sexual

behavior. She's like, I literally, if there was a gay guy on a float spreading his ass cheeks and farting, I would think you was fun. Well, I think that's like the sign of the times in a sense. Because I feel like for our grandparents, it was like what's the craziest thing you could do sexually? It's just like butt,

anal shit. And now it's just like, people do that on the first date in a bathroom. Right. So now it's gross. Yeah, the intimacy is the difference now, I think. Yeah, but also, what are we doing right now? Is this not the most intimate thing? A couple of guys can do? Yeah, if you can't see, we're all butt-fucking each other right now.

I genuinely think I'd rather watch two random guys butt fuck than my parents kiss each other on the lips. Really? Yeah, I don't know, just intimacy gross. I will say, I will say there have been times on road trips, like family road trips. You guys all just buttling. I mean, you're in that confined space,

like, you're together all the time. You're like, what if we? Where I'm sitting in the back and like my dad's driving and my mom is like in the front seat and they just like reach out and like hold hands. I am just like, oh, that's fucking close. Yeah, show disturbing to me. That could also be like a, a, like a, incestual kind of repulsion.

That's a good point. Yeah, yeah. But like also, I don't know. Also, when I see people with a bar making out, it's gross to me. Like, like, close. But it's like, but it's like then it's two different things. Because people grinding is not gross to me. I think it's fun.

Yeah. I've never done that. Well, I have, but not really. Like, I can't take it seriously. You've never grind it on a... A little bit, but nothing like... On a full-blown woman? Not on a random person, no.

You know you should do if you were saying, take your glasses off, put it on her and then grind on her. Oh. People do the hat thing where the girl would take the guy's hat or the guy would put his head on a girl's start grinding. Just put your glasses on a girl. Yeah, then I would immediately become lost because I can't see it. This girl swap out. She literally is like, oh, there's going to be the same chick.

Like if she walks away with my glasses, I live at that bar now. You're just grinding at an ATM machine. You like that? It's like it paid me. That's crazy. I've done, I've grinded more with random women than I have, like, women that I've dated. Wow. Well, it's weird when you're dating.

You know what I mean? Like, I've tried grinding at my girlfriend in a bar and say it's, it's, it's, it's odd because you like know each other. And it's never been like as crazy as like people do with random people. It's a little bit more tame. That was my favorite. I saw a guy that walked into the pair. He's like, oh, you guys got a comedy show here? He goes, might check it out. Goes in the bar and starts grinding on some random girl. Just goes to the bar by himself. No friends. Goes grinding on a girl and then just walks out in three minutes. I'm like, that is the funniest thing. With the girl or by himself? No, no. Just a middle-aged guy walks into the pair. It starts grinding on

some like thick Latin woman and then just like leaves within four. He doesn't even get a drink at the bar. I'm like, this is kind of awesome. That guy rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know who doesn't rule at places? Like, standing out in front of the pair or just like any bar or anything. You about to say homeless people? Yeah, dude, no.

I was going to say homophobic. No. People. They rule the streets. They do. But by the way, I don't, I think, I don't know if the city had like an ordinance, but there was just no homeless people in the pride. Like, I'm not saying that they're not showing pride.

Well, dude, it's because they're homophobic. Oh. Step it up. I like it. Step it up, Patty. I thought that was good. I liked it. That's why they're not in homes.

It's true. But no, we're saying like, McDougal streets normally filled with homeless people. Yeah. And I don't know where they were that. I couldn't find a single one on Brian. Really?

Nobody, no, no spare change, no dollar to. No, I'm like, this is where you'd get the money. Yeah, absolutely. Also, like, think about, there's always homeless people trying to suck dick for, like, crack and cash. I'm like, there's drugs, there's people trying to get their dicks. There's a lot of dick.

There's a million opportunity. I don't know, I could see the city just being like. Hey guys. This is our big day and we can't. You can't. It's almost like homeless people don't take advantage of their economic opportunity. What to have? It's almost like they're not financially

intelligent. Yeah, they're not fiscally responsible. It's fucking idiots doing. I had one of my favorite conversations yesterday with one. I want to get back to Pride because there's somebody I was going to forget about it. Actually, I'll say it I think first. The fake shooting at Pride, that was terrifying. There was a fake shooting? So, not really. But, like,

Like what happened was, so I'm at the pair, I get off stage, and then people start sprinting into the bar, and people say there's a shooting. And you see people running down the street. Like I say, there's something terrifying about seeing a mob of people to sprint. I think it's almost like, like, biological that you see a swarm of people running. And it's like in your mind that was like a sign of like a lion or like a storm or something. Or a gay person. Yes, yes, exactly. But they're running and then they close the door to the pair.

And they're like, not to relax everybody. and I'm like, what the fuck happens? Somebody's like, oh, there was a shooting. And then I opened the door. I was like, I've got to get out. And I just run to the straightest part of town. Like, I go right towards the financial district. And I just start sprinting because I'm like,

another friend of ours ran to the West West Village. I'm like, you can't run into the gate if there's a heat crime. You don't run towards. You look bad. You look like you're like, and they're all together. Oh, no, no, no. I was saying more in the sense that if there's a guy shooting people, oh, he's going to go there.

Yeah, he's not going to go to five. That's true. That's true. There'd be like being in Mad Max, just turning right around, going back into the storm. Yeah, yeah, it's like, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, you get out of there and then you... So what was it?

So is a firework that went off. Oh, people... Dude, that's how you know there's too many white people at Pride. The fireworks from there. Yeah, well, and that people confused a firework with a fucking... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like, if you have enough cool people there, people like, no. No, it's just a fucking firework.

Dude, I had this... But also, if you're presenting how firework at Brow... I don't know, it's like, I know fireworks are all those. they're kind of gay in a sense. Yeah. Because it's like, yay, it's colorful and yay. But also, like, that's a scary thing to do with, you know what I mean?

Yeah. In my mind, every time I've been to pride, so I was mostly barking, okay? Not that I want to go regularly. I've been before. But it's like, what's it called? Like, you, the whole time,

I went last year, the whole time I'm like, somebody's going to shoot all these gay people. I don't know. There's just a thought in your brain. And it was going to be me because that's how annoyed. because one of us wants to get to heaven.

I got a sacrifice the rest. I'm trying to sell tickets, dude. Dude, when I first moved into the apartment that I'm now living at, there used to be fireworks that would go off every night because it's very Hispanic neighborhood. Of course. And they, like, every time I was like, gunshot, like, in my head, I'm like, that's a

fucking gunshot. Then one day I was on the roof with my roommate, and we hear like fucking four fireworks go off. And I'm like, there they go again, celebrating independence or whatever. Yeah. It turns out it was a shooting at the end of my street. I mixed them up both ways. Oh, yes, too. It was like a four v4 fucking standoff and there was like nine bullets that got shot. Nobody hit anyone. That's hilarious.

I don't know if you notice a lot of these shootings, nobody fucking hits a guy. Yeah, yeah. People can't shoot. Everybody's because they turn the fucking gun and you lose all its integrity. Yeah, I feel like that does make sense that that would happen. Yeah. But then a white guy shoots up a school. White people know how to shoot guns. God damn right. He's like the fucking ice man just putting people down. Incredible shot. That's what Buck Hunter does, dude. That's why, like, upstate bars, like, everyone upstate. Stephen Paddock, phenomenal.

Phenomenal shot, dude. Which one was he? The Hall of Famer. Oh. Vegas. Oh, dude. Is that the record? Yeah, I would think it was, like, 76 people or something.

That's so insane. Isn't that one real weird, though? Isn't something, like, real sucks about it? Okay, it is impressive because he was from a hotel far away. Right. Yeah. But suppose, it wasn't just like some old dude who was just like, they don't really have a,

motive and they were just... It's very odd. He was like everybody, he has like his pilots license. Yeah. And he like, everybody thinks that what he was was a government contractor who sold guns to like the Saudis or something. I don't know. I don't know the full story clearly, but I'm gonna... I just remember there was something real suss about it. It's real sauce, dude. Yeah. I mean, I'm just saying that because I've heard

other people say it. Yeah, I'm just like, too, this is saying. Yeah, I don't read. I'm not gonna look into shit. Dude, that's just scary because I heard, you know, Tim Dillon say it's weird. So now, now I'm like, I mean, it's got to be. Were you guys one of the people that when you heard about Roe v. Wade, you're like, no abortions are illegal? Were you guys one of the high?

I'll tell you what I was. I was the guy for weeks of the podcast. I'm like, chill out, everybody. It's not going to get overturned. It's not going to get overturned. This happens every year. You were a Hillary truther, dude. Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were one of those guys that thought Hillary was going to win. Yeah, oh, I totally did. Yeah, absolutely. I voted for her. Did you really? Yeah, people hate me. I didn't.

I voted third party last election in Hillary, two elections ago. We all know you should have done the responsible thing and not voted. Yeah, yeah. I'm probably never going to vote again. Like, genuinely speaking, I don't think I'm ever going to vote again. I voted for Mitt Romney once because I was like, we can't have a black-in's president. That was again.

First time was cool. Fool me once. Yeah. No, I did Mitt and then you did Mitt also? I did Mitt. Was it so funny, look, because nobody would guess Matt's political views. No, no, no, no. Because you look like such a hipster. Dude, I keep hidden in plain sight, my guy. Dude, my mom, I didn't even vote for Mitt.

my mom leaned into the thing with me because it was like a written thing and she said that one and she pointed to Ben Romney she said that's the one and I was like all right and I just fucking Was it the first time you voted?

First time I was 18 Yeah So that was the yeah Romney and then the next one was 2016 because that was 2012 Yeah so then and that one I voted libertarian

and then last time I did Biden Wow We kind of reverse roles because I voted libertarian this year Really? And then last year I did Hillary Hillary. Nice.

Yeah. Not nice. She sucks. Yeah. Yeah. Also, dude, can we, if, like,

if the Democrats put up anybody that's remotely cool, they should win. They just can't figure that shit out. Like, they ran with Hillary Clinton

and then the oldest man alive and he barely won. Also, the problem is they keep almost nailing it. I don't know. Like, I genuinely don't think that many people care about marijuana

being legal. No. So I guarantee you if you got like a libertarian kind of Republican, like, I bet you they could pull the same move. Sure. They're like, yeah, I don't care about gay people. Like, not like, I don't care about gay people.

It's just like, whatever. Yeah. This whole reactionary thing's what's annoying. People are like, now we got to step the other way. Yeah, and then now both sides are going to have to the Republicans are going to have to be apologists for Roe v. Wade and the Democrats are like, well, you see the establishment can't get anything done, so we've got to go further left.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's hard to tell to because like, like, we're in such a bubble here where, like, every, it's so annoying that, like, anything you say on just like cut with like a liberal agenda. Yeah. It's like the worst thing. But then like we always forget that literally everywhere else in the country

other than like square miles in like little cities are like they're all just Republican. That's a funny comedy thing too because people will be doing bits in Brooklyn and like I have some bits and I'm like this might not work at Brooklyn. But then you see some people to do certain Brooklynie bits and you're like that's going to work. That's not going to work anywhere. That might not even work in parts of Queens. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Yeah, that is one of the things, but, yeah, it is funny. I don't know. I don't really, uh, yeah, I don't, yeah, I try not to get political, but, you know, here we are, 12 minutes in. I don't, I don't, I don't really give me. No, that's, just everybody, you just hang, why can't we all just hang out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is fun when you find out somebody's something there, you have no idea, and you're like,

oh, shit, I didn't know you were like a staunch conservative, but that's cool because I didn't expect it coming from you. You know what I mean? It's like, it adds, I love anybody that's like a, I was talking somebody about it, like, like a black dude with a Trump hat automatically. week. I'm kind of like, all right, let's see

where he is. Like, you know what? You're like, I don't know. Dude, I think it's like a white guy with Trump. You're like, oh, come on, dude. You got what,

you're so unoriginal. Yeah. It's going to swing back around where being conservative is cool, dude. It's going to be the cool thing. I think it's a row of you didn't happen.

Then I would say, yeah, but. Yeah. Well, there's always going to be some, you know, what are they go? I'm going to let you die here. Something in the punch bowl.

A turd in the punch bowl? Yeah. Yeah. Why'd you pause there? Because I couldn't remember what it was. Oh, I thought there was like some implication. I knew there was something floating in the punch bowl. I didn't know what the consistency of what it was. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the worst is social.

Like, dude, I go on there every day and I'm like, I haven't seen one funny thing. No, it's not. It's not funny. I'm like, I'm sure the Supreme Court are like, wait a second. Did you see what this fucking girl in New York City posted? Like, we got to totally change the way we do things. What if they were, JK. Totally showed you guys. Dude, you got, well, you bought that?

Holy shit. No, that's funny. They're on it, dude. They're on one. Oh, yeah. Dean David has a good bit. And I don't, I will ruin his bit. I don't get me.

Let's do it. Dude, let's ruin Dean David. Yeah, yeah. But the only reason I'm doing it is because I feel like he's not going to do it again. But like he said, like, he was like, yeah, I thought like it meant like abortions were illegal. All it means is ladies, road trip. He's like, you go with five, come back with four.

You know, it's pretty... It was a really funny thing. And then he tried to do it on stage and all the girls were like... Oh, that was just a riff? Like, he wasn't... No, he like... I mean, he like wrote the bit out, I'm sure.

Sure. But like, he did it at an open mic right before and then tried to do it at the show right after. And like, he's like, all right. Dude, yeah, I love Dean. He's one of the funniest fucking... I'm assuming it was his show. Yeah, his show.

Aggressively chill. We don't promote anything besides my comedy. I swear to God, if I see one of my listeners at that fucking show, you're fucking dead. Also, check. Also, check out Michael Good at Gary's Clamshack. Yeah, I'm not barking now, so I'm going to have no spots. My homeless story is about to run out.

Yeah. But, I mean, I was getting some good ones recently, like this one dude. So it's, this relates, I hate to talk about my friends dying every fucking week. But, you know, I was listening to Simplime the other day. I know the story just gets sadder and sadder. But, and I was like, man, I wonder if my friends are like at a concert in heaven, like, listening Sublime. And then later on. hell actually.

Yeah, that's the weird thing you wonder. I'll get to that. But like the homeless guy, I was talking to this homeless guy, and he goes, you know I had a near-death experience once? And I'm like, fuck yeah, let's hear it. And he's like, I went into a coma, and I was at a concert, right? And the Beatles were there. Janice Joplin was there.

Jimmy Hendricks was there. Was it Woodstock? And he goes, Bob Dylan was there. I go, Bob Dylan's still alive. He goes, shut the fuck up. He goes, is this your coma story? And, like, so mad at me, like, furious. He's like, shut the fuck up.

I was there. You were not fucking there. You shut the fuck up. Understand? I was like, yes, sir. I'm sorry. Please tell me who else was at this concert that totally happened. And it wasn't.

He's like, okay. Okay. So it was the Bee Gees, the Grateful Dead. And starts listening, like, people that are alive and not alive. And he said there was, like, thousands of people on stage. I mean, I did think it was cool that he died and it was similar to what I was like, I wonder if my friends are there. But it was just the most bizarre thing.

He said every time he reached for, like, we. like you couldn't grab it or drinks, but then the people there could give it to you. Ah, okay. Which kind of like, that's got like an interesting, like. Yeah. That's like a thought on life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't take, but receive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pride month. Hey, amen. Dude, I had not a near-death experience, but you know I've been experimenting with Molly. Yeah, you know my experimentation. She's great.

Well, this was the sixth time I've done it this year, which is too much. It's quite the experiment. Yeah. Wait, no, you're supposed to space it out four months. That actually works out perfectly. Wait, what? Your brain takes four months to recover from using MDMA. Well, I've done it six times in one year. Yeah, there's four. But there's six times fours. We're only, we're about to start the seventh month. You know what? I'm a fucking idiot. This time is 24, not 12. Yeah. Yes, if you do it twice the amount you're supposed to each year. Yeah, yeah. Also, you probably did it back to back to back. I did it. No, I was like, the longest I've gone between doing it's six weeks, the shortest is three weeks. Okay. So it's like mildly responsible.

You're supposed to wait four months to your serotonin. But I did not measure it out because I was getting pretty confident with my eyeballs. And I did a couple of parachutes before this concert. It was pretty funny because we got to the concert an hour before it even started. And we all took Molly before we went in. So we're just sitting there like nobody's even in there. We're like, this is going to be ridiculous. Oh, yeah.

So at one point someone's telling a story about how they shit their pants in college. And like my, I just like felt it all. You're like that's so hot. My eyes just started like fluttering and like my knees buckled and it just got like a thousand degrees. And there was like a 12 second window where I was like, I need to call an ambulance. I'm going to ruin everyone's night. This is not good. And I like couldn't fucking.

I was like seat convulsing basically. And then like 15 seconds after I felt that, it stopped. And I had a great fucking time. Oh, yeah. So I didn't even learn my lesson. No, you never do. Afterward I was like, I wish I just dropped and like. and everyone was like upset at me because then I would know that I'd be.

Can you overdose on MDMA? Yeah, yeah. It takes a lot that most of the time you overdose from dehydration. Like you need a lot. But the weird thing about Molly is like it doesn't kick in that fast, but when it kicks in, it's immediate. It was crazy. It's the oddest thing. It's the only drug.

I feel like that there's no buildup. Yeah. It's like the second you're on Molly, you're just fully on Molly. Like it's, I'm not even kidding. Have you done it? No. It is. It's the best.

I don't like that much, but it takes like 45 minutes to kick in, but from 45 minutes to 46 minutes, you feel all of it immediately. And then you're just like, whoa. How long is it last? Like four hours. Oh, wow. Ish, right? Yeah, maybe a little less, but like there is kind of like a peak moment. And then like there's a slow kind of, almost like you're like basking in the sun afterwards.

They also call it rolling because you go up and down. So like you'll think you're totally, the problem is people redosed sometimes. Like I remember one time I was like, oh, this is over and you take a bunch more. and then you're like, whoa. Yeah. My favorite is, like, the first time I took Molly. It was bad salts, but my dad drove me to this concert, and he was, like, doing something.

Like, I think he was, like, he's doing something with a car, but I went and I took it. I went to, like, Waterfound, and I took it, and I came back to, like, say by him, and he goes, hey, just a heads up. We're going to drug test you tomorrow for stuff, like, you know, ecstasy. And so, you know, just a heads up on that, like, right after I took it.

Oh, wow. It was terrifying. Fuck. And that just ruins the whole thing. Your dad said that thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But is your dad the union? Well, I think what he was trying to say was like, don't do any drugs in there.

And you were like, Jake. Yeah, I was like, I won't. I'm not even kidding when I say it was like five seconds after I took it. And then I was like, fuck, I need like a cigarette, which doesn't help really. And I remember when like I thought cigarettes would help me drive drunk better. Like I'd be like, oh no, I'm hammered. But if I smoke four cigarettes. You'll soak up a little bit, yeah.

Back to back to back. I think somebody has a bit where it's just like I was drunk, so I just chugged a cup of coffee. and that didn't wake me up, but just made me drive drunk faster. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but that was, that was terrifying because I was like, oh, shit. But I think I already had a plan

where I had, like, another friend pissed. The amount of times I just had other people's urine on me in high school was a lot. Jesus. Yeah. Man, no, I never did that. Just on me. Not in a container.

Yeah, just people peeved on me all the time in high school. Running down my chin. Right. Dude, there was a time in, uh, I played baseball in high school and we had, like, a travel team, and they heard that, like, some of us were smoking pot,

and I was, like, in the group of kids that was just starting the smoke pot. Nice. And they were like, all right, well, we're just going to drug test all you guys. And it's like, pot, you're fucked. Because it's like, if you did it a month ago, even like, if you did it like six months ago, they could just take a fucking hair out of your head and, like, no. But I was like, shit.

So I had this kid in school. We had practice at the end of the day when they were doing the drug test. Peep into your mouth. No, pee into, like, a little prescription, like a little pill bottle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I took it and I brought it to the practice and I was a catcher. So I had a cup. Dude, I stuck it.

it in the cup, like in my fucking, in my jockstrap for the entire practice. It was just in there. And I was so uncomfortable. And then they just didn't do the drug. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That happens a lot. And I was like, they still win

because I'm a fucking idiot now. I feel like it's got to cost money to drug test people, right? Yeah, yeah. Well, the craziest is there's a school by us. Fuck you, Lake Highland, PrEP. Go suck a dig. But all I have to do is play an episode of Scooby-Doo

and see if you laugh at it. Yeah, you guys, I just want to take a quick run down Lake Island. You guys are fucking losers. They suck. You're school. I don't care how big it is. It's fancy.

You guys just, you're a horrible organization. Size doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. What else do I fucking hate about Lake Highland Prep? I don't know. They kicked one of my friends out for making a very funny video. I mean, fuck you guys. Dude, they don't even respect comedy?

Yeah, it's just shoe polish. Yeah. I don't know if I could tell the story. I mean, I don't think it matters now. But yeah, he got in trouble. he was pretending... I'm not gonna get to do it. But either way, they fucking suck.

But with his one kid got caught smoking pot, and that kid's mom funded the whole school to drug test their kids. She donated money. Dude, that lady sucks. Dude, you're a fucking loser. Seriously, it's like your kid got caught

and now you fucked the whole entire school. And by the way, I don't know if you know how it's worse, but drug testing kids, they do other drugs. They're going to do stuff that doesn't show up, which is way worse than pot. Yeah. The best for the kids that immediately transferred. It was so funny like that.

Like all the cool kids just came to public school And we're like, hell yeah, good to see you, bro But yeah, like the whole school So like kids would just be on like 10 tabs of acid And they'd be like, yeah, well, you know, can't smoke pot drinking cough medicine. They're like, I don't want to get kicked off the football team. God damn, you guys were partying.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we did show much drugs going up. We were a bunch of pussies at my school. Yeah, dude, I didn't do any of that shit. We did massive amounts of drugs And some of us who worked out for. Others, not so much. Wow. I didn't smoke weed until college.

Damn, where are you from again, Ohio? Yeah, suburbs of Ohio. But isn't like, I heard like there are some really crazy parts Ohio too. Like I heard there's lots of mafia there. I don't know about mafia. I mean, in terms of like crazy, I mean, fucking rip-rolling tie to opioids all over the place. Like that, I mean, that shit is. No, no, I'm from the burbs, baby.

Yeah. Well, I guess they do opioids. Yeah, that's where they do opioids. Yeah. But I remember like, yeah, we had kids doing heroin in high school, like friends of mine. It was so funny because my one friend comes up to me and goes, hey man, just a heads up, brother. some heroin out there, really bad batch. And I was like, what?

Okay, I don't do fucking heroin. Compared to what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, just keep an eye out. I was like, I don't do heroin. No, no, yeah, yeah. Dude, I feel like you either do heroin when you're in high school or, like, in your 40s after, like, a knee surgery. But, like, because it's, like, people either don't know what it is or they know exactly

what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need that. Because, like, there was people in my high school who, like, did it and, like, overdose and stuff. But, like, once you get to, like, college and shit and, like, in that point, point of your life, like, you're kind of, like, you kind of figured out what you want to do in terms of, like, drugs and how you want to, like, live your life.

Yeah. And then it's like, yeah, then you get, like, a surgery or something later in your life, and you get these prescription things, and you're like, fuck, and you have to turn to something. Oh, but there's, like, that middle ground where I feel like it doesn't really happen. Nobody's starting in their 30s. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, not even that, because most rock band's peak when they're, like, 24. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so you're not, yeah, so you're not, yeah, I think I'm probably never going to do heroin Because, No, I don't think I will. First off, a plan. Obviously,

I've always planned to never do hair. Now I'm like, it just doesn't make sense. Like, I'm like on top of it. No. But the friends that I had

doing it, they would smoke it, which is like, I get how that looks less bad. Like, it's like, if somebody who just brought out needles,

I guarantee you most people would be like, fuck no. But then you see some guy like smoking it. You're like, maybe. Like,

I wouldn't do it, but you're like, I guess, I get that. My brother's a, uh, fucking, what is it, like a counselor.

Junker? Yeah. Dude, we haven't spoken to him in years. No, he's like a counselor for, like an addictions counselor. And he's like,

yeah, there's like a big, even within the drug community, like the stigma of like, people will separate themselves of like, I do shooting. I do heroin, but I don't shoot it. Like,

I'm not a piece of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you talking about? That's a whole thing. That's such a weird rationalization to have. Yeah. I'm afraid of needles. Yeah, no, I couldn't do that.

I can't give, I could, I could barely get my blood drawn when I was taking acne medicine. But when you're addicted to heroin, you're afraid of not having heroin. Yeah, that's true. That's true. You eventually start, yeah, I mean, because those are the people, like, they shoot it. Just put some googly eyes on it. You're like, this is nice.

A little silly. It's kind of cute. It's kind of cute. It's on the back of the spoon. Just making a little character with it. That's my favorite part of Paul Fiction. Okay, that part is so irrational where the drug dealer's like, you've been doing cocaine. He's like, how about you try heroin?

And he's just like, yeah, I think I will try. That's not like, like my friends in high school, I guarantee you, their lives were like the reasons they did heroin because they were like nothing matters. I hate myself. I'm depressed. I hate my parents. I'm doing drugs. Like that's the, I think that's the mindset of my friends doing heroin in high school. You know, like, established guy and like a suit is like, cocaine was nice, but let me switch over to heroin.

Like, you know what I mean, it's like, I think you end up doing it in like a different environment. Or what would make sense is if John Gibralto was with like some hookers and they were already drunk and they're like trial of this. I don't think anybody's just like drug dealers like Have you tried heroin and they're like You know what I have it I heard of think of it No I heard it's a new thing Yeah I wonder because there's people who get addicted

To like the act of smoking Because it's like a very alluring thing Yeah there's like a whole ritual to it I wonder if there's people who are like addicted to like the heroin thing Where you have to like light the spoon And like do this like experimentation Like you're gonna try to kill a vampire Turn on one lamp

Yeah yeah it's always like a closet lamp With a little string Right Or not even is it a string Or like the little Metal beads At the very end of it Yeah

Electric Q2 You one out of like 28 times You know it Yeah The worst is I knew This one guy Who would tell my friends

They were doing coke And then he would just give them Hydromorphone Which is like a very addictive opiate Oh man And so my friends like four times You'd be like I snorted this stuff

And then I got tired And he's like Yeah it's not cocaine And they're like Well he's a cool older guy So I guess I'm not gonna be mad at him Oh my shit Yeah the dudes

Damn No you hang on But god damn was that guy cool That guy rocks. Not anymore, but then. Very cool. He's in a federal penitentiary. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You always see him and you're like, man, dude, that guy's going to the base nectar concert. I wish I was like him. My parents won't let me go to that. You always find, and then you look back years later and like, that guy was like 24. Oh, yeah. Why was he there? That's so sad. Dude, you're trying to go to the Mirage on the 16th?

Ooh. What's the 16th of July? Maybe. It's a Saturday. I'm very last minute with this kind of stuff. You have great ideas, and I do want to join them. Because I want you to come sometime. time. I know. I would love to rave with Patty.

I mean, if you guys want to go to the Mirage, but if you tried heroin, have you tried that? That's also a different option. That's the mirage of joy. Of course. What is your ideal heroin snares? Let's say you're doing it. Oh, man, I don't know. I've never really thought about it. It's one of those things that I never really thought about doing. But, I mean, it would have, I'm probably, I'm so, I'm so lame that I'd be like, it needs to be a controlled environment. There needs to be an EMT nearby. Probably. I mean, for the first.

first time. I don't know what I'm fucking doing. Yeah. I think I would be going all in. I also don't even know what it's supposed to feel like. Like, I've been high on pain killers before. Is that close? People say it's like the same thing, but I feel like that's how heroin addicts justify or that's how they like put down. Rope people in? I don't think it's how they wrote people in, but I think a lot of heroin addicts are like, dude, pain killers are like the same thing because they're trying to say, they're trying to justify that what they're doing isn't as crazy. They're telling you, but they're

trying to convince themselves. Right. Yeah. They're like, yeah, it's not like crazy. I'm like, okay, well, it's not prescribed to Addera, but people can pair that to meth. It's like, yes, chemically they're similar, but they're too completely smoking crystal meth is not the same thing as taking a pill of Adderall. The Nazis didn't, like, say, hey, here's some fucking Adderall.

Now go take out Poland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if I'd ever do it because I think it ruins every other drug for heroin. Yeah, I'm not planning on doing heroin. I'm saying, like, what's this? I don't really want to do it, but I mean, if you guys wanted to do it, like, right now. No, no, no, no. I mean, I have some.

I'm saying, like, are you doing it, like, rich guy style or poor guy style? Because I think if I was doing it, I want to be a hotel with, like, a couple guns around or something like that. Yeah, a chick that, like, you can see through. She's so thin. Yes. Some Leonard Skinner playing. Absolutely. Oh, who that's mad.

Yeah. If you're listening to, like, the chain smokers when you do heroin, you're doing. You are not doing heroin. I bet you Debbie Lobto does that shit. I bet you she, like, listens to some cool music. Yeah. It's almost less cool. Did you see she has a television show?

They. They. Fucking bigot. Did you see that whoever has... I won't do it? No, I'm just kidding. A fucking UFO show on Peacock? Oh, I watched it.

It's amazing. Are you serious? It's so funny. That's hilarious. Yeah, I've already covered it so much on this podcast. It's the greatest thing in the world. Please watch it. All right.

How many episodes? I got like three in and then I canceled my showtime. But it wasn't like I should have kept watching because it was genuinely the funniest thing I've seen in my life. But it wasn't trying to be funny. No. No. That's the best.

It's also very hard because it was like, they went to really un-professional UFO people because I am deep into UFOs. As opposed to those professional UFOs. Those guys with a fucking plaque on the wall, you know. She went to this support group for women who think they've been impregnated by aliens. It was basically just her and, like, her gay friend the whole time who's just like, this is crazy. And that's like...

What? Dude, don't they say, like, people who think they got, like, fucked by an alien, they were just molested. Yeah, I used to have a bit about that. I mean, that's got to suck when you find out later. Oh, I remember that. Because you told everybody you got abducted, and you got to be like, yeah. Turns out my uncle just has a funny-looking costume. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, it was not a UFO. Yeah, it was just somebody I thought I could trust. Yeah, because it's like, first of all, like, they're always like, it's it, they anally probed. It's like, what information are they getting from, your asshole. Yeah, because that's also not a procedure that happens normally at the doctor. It's like your asshole is not the fast track to your brain.

No, it's the opposite end of the spectrum. What are they just going to tell what you ate for lunch? Yeah, no, that is. Just ask me, dude. They think it's either that or people waking up from surgery and that's like their memory of it. But also my problem is like a lack of consistency. So like I believe some of the stories because like

they're like, oh, that's consistency. Like the gray aliens need to be consistent. But like when some people are like, no, it was the they see there's one looks like a praying mantis. I'm like, that's where I'm out. There's just no way there's an alien that looks like a praying mantis. I heard one yesterday that I hadn't heard

before that I guess so when like fucking Neil Armstrong and those boys landed on the moon for the first time, I guess there's like supposedly two minutes of like audio that was like not released to the public because he like changed over. He like changed over to because like one of the streams

was being broadcast live streams like they were fucking on Twitch. Now the things was being broadcast live but he like switched. over to like just the internal one and said that there were like other like objects or like spacecraft on the moon and they were like they're watching us with the yeah i hadn't even heard i'd never heard this and so then he like it went back so there's like two minutes and supposedly some other guy who used to work for nassah um like confirmed it but then they like

blackballed him or whatever it's weird i don't know that that would be that is weird yeah yeah the moon i don't know there was also the israeli scientist there's some israeli guy who was like we have like a base on the moon, like an alien base on the moon. There was something also, I think, tagged on to that saying that, like, the moon might be like an artificial satellite, because, like, it is super big for, like, comparatively to the Earth, like,

the Earth shouldn't, like, fucking Saturn has, like, a moon that's the same size. But, like, it should be much smaller, but it's, like, perfectly ranged, and, like, the distance from the moon to the Earth is the, like, struck, what's the word, like, scale-wise, the same distance as the Earth is to the Sun,

which is why, like, when there's an eclipse, the moon perfectly covers the fucking sun. It's weird. I don't know. I like this. Yeah. It was kind of trippy. And I was like, this sounds probably, I was very high,

but I was like, this seems real cool. Did you guys see moonfall? No. I highly recommend. Actually, Matt's mom was in it. Whoa. Yeah, Matt's mom played the moon. Yeah.

It is like about, like, there's like aliens that live in the moon. And like, the moon. Oh, I love in, not on. Yeah. in it and it's like a AI. It's like so far-fetched that it almost works. Like it's one of those.

Is that something? Did it come out recently? Yeah, came out within like the last like four five months. I remember seeing a commercial for that. I recommend it if you, if you have a chance to see it.

Okay. But there's a really... I just feel very sick and I need to shit, but we're gonna continue. I don't know why I just had to interrupt. I don't know why my stomach just turned. Oh.

I just feel like, yeah. There was a moment in this movie that's so funny because like, every movie tries to like add like some little woke thing in, but, like, clearly they had no, like, there was no window to do it in this, because it's about the moon fucking great. Like, what are you going to?

So there's, like, this scientist guy. And there's like a camera panning around, like, the inside of his office. And there's, like, all these newspaper clippings. It's just like, aliens, this, aliens. And one of them was just like, are the aliens gay? It was so funny. That's hilarious. Dude, also, this was a weird experience because it was me.

I went alone to the movies because I'd do that and it's fine. Right. Yeah, no, nobody's... And, like, it was me and just a bunch of Mexican families. And I was like, what's the correlation? You really stuck that. You really stuck the mex on that. You were like a bunch of Mexican families, dude. It is funny with like, you're like, you don't

think that's going to be the demographic for like a sci-fi movie. No, you have no idea what the demographic is usually before you go in. Yeah, yeah. Like, the Northman or whatever, it's just a bunch of single guys like me getting rowdy. Getting rowdy with our diet Pepsi. I can guess what the movie Jackass is going to be, dude. You know what I mean?

Stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just standing. Not even sitting in their seats. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you saw a jackass? Yeah. Dude, that's the best fucking movie experience. That was so fun. Yeah.

Oh, I bet. Yeah. I saw it like at home. And I was like, it's amazing. Yeah. I've seen it like three times, I think. Yeah. Do you got a shit, dude?

No, no, no, no. I'm pushing. I don't know why I'm just sick. I think I had a I threw in some Zen pouches today and I feel like shit I had like my second day of the job and I drank a bunch of coffee

Oh even though I was working from home I was like I want to show them I'm smart That's probably because you're probably not used to that amount of coffee Right No I guess what it is Yeah yeah yeah Oh dude man I can't wait for them to find this episode And be like you can't be here anymore

Yeah yeah yeah no it is Yeah I think I'm fucked But anyways for now That's cool What are you doing now I don't want to say Because I don't want to get back That's fine

Yeah yeah Dude, you got any more of those Zinn pouches? You want some? Should we throw one in on the pot? Do I know what... Am I supposed to know what these are? It's like a chewing tobacco? It's like, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't chew it. Alex Sheik tried doing that. He ripped one open and then started eating the beads inside. He's definitely not allowed to do. Dude, that guy's crazy. Dude, he's nuts. Yeah, I don't... He doesn't have...

He's just out there, yeah. He's crazy. Man, I like that kid. He's good, dude. He definitely got fucked by an alien. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Instead of touch by an alien.

Just wonder. Touched by an angel. You ever wonder if you're, I'm like, I feel like my brain's so fucked up. Like, it's something bad I had to happen at some point, right? Oh, yeah, I think somebody asked me the other day. I think I was at the stand and, uh, someone was like, you've been molested? Somebody was like, were you molested? And I was just like, not that I know of.

And I think that's the only right answer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unless you know for sure, the only right answer is, I don't think so. Yeah. Because you might not know. Like, that could be something that just like one day, you're just like, oh my God. And then you're just like, fuck! Aliens.

That's kind of like the reason why people molest people is because it's a win-win for the molestness. Because I can't remember this. They're not going to remember it, and they have the time of their life. It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. Yeah, no, I was talking about potentially,

I mean, definitely losing my full fan base, but having a friend of mine who's molested and a different pedophile, not the one that molested them, just to hear the perspective of it. on the same podcast? Yes. Yeah,

that won't be problematic. No, it will be, but I'm saying it'll be less problematic to me just having a pedophile on. True. Like, I want to have, like, I don't know,

people, I mean, it's like, I don't want to give a platform to these people. I mean, that's not something you really give a platform to. Nobody's, no pedophiles are convincing

people the fuck is. It's something, you know what I mean? Let's talk about, like, fucking having a platform. Like, how many fucking serial killer

document? That's a fucking platform. Nobody talks about that shit. Yeah, and it's also, it's a problem for like a quick second and it's like this is

and everybody's like oh it's simple you just don't molest kids I'm like I understand that like it's a very easy thing to say oh yeah it is

but it's like no we gotta get the root of this and fix it I actually sympathize with pedophiles pedophiles or child molesters what's the difference I think means you have like

the taste and then the taste the taste some guy who's always going like that he's like what happened to you

yeah I thought that was gonna be funny a child molester pulled the trigger yes Yes, yes. Well, then I'm going to stick with my original answer of petapiles. Yeah, yeah, because I don't feel bad for somebody,

or I do feel bad for somebody that's never done anything but has a urge. Interesting. There was actually someone I knew, like, went to... By the way, I'm just going to say, there's probably nine hours of this podcast of me talking about pedophiles. Let's go. Yeah. But I mean, dude, it's like the ocean, 90% of a week ago.

It's been unexported. But like, there is someone I used to know. I don't know why I said I used to know. If you knew used to know someone, You still know it. Yeah, that's a great point. It's like, I used to know, like, intense, long division. No, I don't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she went to college. She was, like, college roommates with this guy, and they were, like, kind of friends. But at, like, one point, he, like, was, like, yeah, I'm a pedophile. And she was, like, I can't be friends with you anymore. Fair. And, like, he just, but he said it in, like, confidence. And, like, part of me was, like, you're kind of a fucking cunt for doing that, damn.

Well, I was kind of pissed at her because I was, like, you, like. He, like, confided in her. He can't. Because it's, you have to tell someone. Like, you can't keep that, like, you know. Man, is that something? They should have a program. Maybe. Why don't we have a program that you can, like, turn yourself in?

You're like, I haven't fucked a kid. Let's fix it. Like, there should be a center. Yeah. You wear a disguise on there. And then you shock them. I think, I think, I mean, is the wrong word to call her. But, like, you should, like, you should at least, like, be like, that fucking sucks.

So he hadn't done anything with it. He hadn't done anything, but he, like, realized, dude, that you know, oh, dude, that's gotta be a fucking moment. Horrible real estate. You talk about the moment when I thought I was gonna die on Molly. Yeah, yeah. I was still on Molly. Yeah, yeah.

It's not like music where you're like, oh, I got a bad taste in this. You're like, no, you're like, my life is officially way more difficult. Is that something that you can tell a therapist and then the therapist has to report it? No, I don't think unless you've done anything with it. So I think you can tell a therapist, but I mean, nobody's out there telling their therapist that.

Yeah. Dude, you know what's crazy? It's like, I'll lie my therapist about like the littlest things in my life. Like, I'm like, yeah, No, I crush that said. Not like that, but like I... I will over-exaggerate

my comedy career and other things in my life to my therapist. Sure. There's like, there's two people in this world that you can tell a secret and they're not supposed to tell anyone. One is a therapist and the other is a Catholic priest.

Oh, yeah. So you can tell them a pedophile, but one of those two people might high five you have to say. Yeah. For some reason, it's the therapist. Like, it's a tough... It's like two hellmeries.

Yeah. They should just have like a center, though. They just check in and you're like, all right, we're going to work on this. Yeah. Shoot you in the face. It's anonymous. They're like, yeah, yeah, no, we're totally going to work on this. Yeah.

Get the fight out of this. Disgusting human. God damn. Yeah, it would have to be anonymous, but then you'd have to come up with a really weird excuse where you were for three months. Just like, you can't just be like, wait, where's Phil? I was hopelessly addicted to heroin. Oh, my God. that's terrible. Yeah.

The worst was ruining his life. Man, it smelled so good. What? The feeling. He was addicted to that high. Yeah, yeah. It's not it. I know in, and there's parts of Asia, what they do is if you get caught doing sex crimes,

I don't know if this is just something somebody told me once or if this is actually true, but I like to think it's true. Oh, I can't wait. They do this. This actually makes no sense, but if it is true, that hell yes, to whatever Asian government this is. Let's go. Let's just pretend a woman told you this so we have to believe them. they say they

they strip you down. The more I'm saying this, I don't think it's real. Let's do it. They take a glass hook and they put it inside your penis and then they bring strippers in the room so you get hard and the glass breaks inside your dickhole. But I don't think that would work with pedophiles because they're attracted to kids and they'd have to bring kids in them.

All right guys, we have a field trip today. Yeah. It's just like, wait, what? This feels worse. The guy with the shattered penis is just like, but where did you get all these people? How did you do this? It's for, it's kind of like when they do a, what's it called, gain of function research.

It's like, we're gonna have to do something dangerous, but we're gonna get a better solution out of this. Man. But there's no way that happens.

That's such an elaborate plan. They're like, some guys go to those trippers, he's like, no, you're not hard enough to get him hard. You get him hard.

I don't know, dude. But then like that fucking the president of the Philippines, he was just like, yeah, if anybody, if you suspect anybody of doing drugs,

you fucking shoot him. Yeah, yeah. So like, there's some crazy shit out there. That guy rules. Yeah, it's kind of, Duarte or whatever his name is.

That guy rules. You just kill people if they're doing drugs? I think that was like he was like such a, he's ston. There was a big thing like when he first came to power. Like to power. You know what? You know what? I'll say this.

I didn't think government enforcement really would stop people for doing drugs. But to that level, I think it actually does. Dude, well, because there was just like a bunch, there was just like roving gangs of like government people that were just like, oh, I think that guy looks a little tired. Fucking, bam! They just took him out. Roving Wade? Yeah. Roof.

That's great. Yeah, that is crazy. Yeah, I think that genuinely would stop people from... Oh, yeah. If they were just like, yeah, there's a fucking kill squad coming around. I don't know, dude, because this whole Molly thing has really set my mind to like that. Because, like, Molly, you feel dumb after you do it. And, like, that's the only side effect.

You feel dumb, maybe a little sad. Wait, wait, no, no, no. There's so many more sad things. It's very bad for your brain chemistry. Right. But that's, but I was like, I would trade. I would become retarded if I could do Molly

every day. I would trade my mental attitude. Waste on what he said, you're on your way. I am. Yeah. I've already forgotten three letters of the alphabet. Yeah. Yeah.

Dude, that would be, honestly, that would be really funny. That's why I always like you in a, B, C, D, EF, does you show an S? H-I-J-K. I don't know what that is. Yeah. That's why I've always, like, I've always loved Whippets

because you literally are retarded for a minute. its most incredible experience in your life. Dude, imagine being retarded on Molly. Dude, it's probably awesome. That would be like being LeBron James on steroids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's happiness? Who's retarded?

Yeah, yeah. That is crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the next step. I've always wondered what happens if they take Adderall. If they, like, just become a normal human being? Their eyes just, like, go close together.

Like, their band just rearranges. Oh, I don't know. I mean, it improves brain functions. Like, what happens if you give them Adderall? Which one's the one where... I don't think anybody's really going for that. No, always pitching that idea.

Yeah, we're talking about gain of function. Where's the research on the right hand? Dude? Give me a dissertation. Yeah, was that... Is that a little joke where it's like... Oh, no, we're not even working on it. That's so funny.

But it's so accurate. Because it's something that like, we want to pretend like we don't want to fix. Yeah. But we do want to fix. Yeah. I mean, so none of us are going to be like, yeah, we need it.

we need to stop this. You're kind of saying we need to stop these people from being made, but it's like, I don't know. Or do we go the opposite way, make more of them? Yeah. Well, I do find it, I, sure, try to be nice to people, but I do think it's very annoying when people try to pretend that, like, nothing is wrong with that.

That's why I used to have that joke about how you should be able to fuck your family, because, okay, listen, how does this relate? It's an angle, it's an angle. Because the whole reason people say you shouldn't have sex people related to is because your kid has disabilities. Right. But now they say there's nothing wrong with disability. So either there's nothing wrong with being retarded or there's nothing wrong with fucking her cousin.

Absolutely. Can't be true. Right. Dude, imagine like now with like this Roe v. Wade stuff, imagine like abortion gets. Oh, dude. Honestly, I'm foreign out. If we just get a generation of cars, I'm so about it. Imagine if abortion gets outlawed and say like Utah or whatever and like there's like a couple in Utah and they're like they see like they have like a baby and they're like, fuck.

Like I don't know. Like we just, we're going to have to keep this baby. Yeah. And then they're like, I mean, with like gas prices and everything. And then they're like, actually, like, just so you know, like your baby does have Down syndrome. They're like, all right, maybe get in the car. And then drive somewhere else. Oh, you're saying, yeah.

Well, I think it's, it's, I found out this recently. It has nothing to do with incest. It does create Down syndrome. I will say this, though. It does create other stuff. Down syndrome is not one of those things that's caused by incest. Interesting. Little people, I believe, is caused by incest.

Oh, cool. Just against, we want more of those, too, which I mean, I like him. But there was this one thing where I was shown this documentary about the most inbred family in the United States. Dude, they're crazy. Nonverbal. Dude. Just giggling guy with no teeth. Have you seen the guy?

The guy that barks like a dog? Yes, this guy just barks now. Oh, dude, that guy rules, though. Yeah, like, you can see that there's something in him. Because, like, he, like, shows people around and is like, look at my shit. And he's like, bop-b-b-b-b. It's so fucking hilarious. But it's the most absurd thing.

It's insane. And they're the most incestual family. And they just, they're, the dad's fucking daughter's, daughter's fucking, like, just, all that. There's probably like a point of no return where they're like, well, we can't fuck anyone else at this point. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there an angle of just like, so, like, say there's, like,

an incestual thing. And that's, that's, like, wouldn't it, wouldn't, shouldn't you not like the kid? Because of, because it was, like, it was created in such a fucked up way that you're just like, but I don't know. Maybe, maybe I'm not talking. Maybe this isn't a good angle.

Long audience, bud. This is an incest-only podcast. You don't know my fan base, bro. Yeah, it's true. I guess I'm trying to say, like, okay, so obviously, incest, bad. Okay, you can have that opinion. Okay. Speak for yourself.

So, not great. If incest didn't exist, we'd lose one of the best porn categories. Yeah, dude. Yeah, but I don't think the porn category is creative people doing. I think the reason it's a big porn category is people because you're not supposed to do it. But also, I mean, down the line somewhere we've all been. Sure. Yeah.

To me, it's the smell. My sister smells like hot dogs. That's the reason you know bang your sister? Yeah, dude. Every time you just get disturbed on the 4th of July, just like, fucking Cynthia, where are you? Get out of it. God, damn it. Turn off the grill. But I want to try to dig myself out of this hole of like, so it's not good, right? So like if I... Correct. But the outcome of it, of the outcome of the not good thing, shouldn't we not like the outcome of the not good thing? You know what I mean? Right, yeah. Kind of a thing. I don't know, because then what about a rapie?

Yeah. Well, I mean, I do like rape. Okay. No, no. Can you click that? Can I take that home with me? Just me, I do like that.

I've thought about whatever I tell my producer to cut out, making a compilation, and one day just release all of the things I got out. Yeah. There's something like that horrific, but it would just be funny to hear them all back to back. Oh, yeah. I thought that was the person who gets raped.

Is the raping? The rapie. No, no. That's such a. By the way, I did not know this. Do you know that sororities have like whole lectures where they have to be like, guys, you can't get tonight, basically. What?

Not like you can't. Not like you'll get kicked out. But like they give like a speech and they're like, be very careful. Cover your drinks. Do this. Don't go to this fraternity house. Don't be like this. These guys are no.

And like, I'm like, that's crazy. Is it true? This might be just some Midwest bullshit that I heard. But like, is it true that like some college campuses don't allow sororities because of like it could be used as like a brothel? Or is that something I made up? that's just a cool story yeah no that's not a thing

that can't be real no no no yeah because that's just like what you're gonna there's more than three ladies here there's gotta be a brothel no no that's not real thing yeah no it's like a code a town coding issue yeah like a zoning you gotta take it down the block if you add a bathroom it's okay

wait so you're saying like that many women in the house is just considered a brothel I guess that's so funny that's something that's hilarious they all can't live together because it's a broth it's a brothel Because you know what, yeah, when... Legally that many women...

They gotta be fucking somebody. They're not whores. The judge is like, they're whores. They're hoars. They're like, no, they're not... They're not... They're hoars. The judge, that's all each says. You just keep saying, they're hoarse.

They're fucking whores. Case closed. Get them out of here. That is crazy. I mean, they are... They're a hoars. Sluts, maybe. I don't know about whores.

Oh, that's true. Hors implies an exchange for money. Yeah, yeah. Hors means. exchange for money. Oh, okay. I didn't know. I always just

fucking, I use them interchangeably. Yeah. I think they've kind of, the same way retarded is now your silliest friend. A whore is now your sluttiest friend.

Your whore is now your silliest friend. Also, like, I bet you across the board, I don't think sorority girls have more, they may have more sex just because they're better looking.

But I don't, I don't think they're more just like, whatever. Here it is. Yeah, compared to like just a random college girl. Sure. Yeah.

I know a girl who is in a sorority and I remember she said this She was like Oh, guglo Gle-glo I don't know

she said She had so many So many Cocks in her mouth I don't remember exactly I think it was Something along the eyes Like

We're not Whatever you said earlier That I thought was dumb You redeemed I can't even Remember The thing you said earlier

That was homophobic Dude That was way better than that No That was silly Okay That was great

Yeah I'm sweating I don't have a fan I was just thinking Yeah Well the sound The sound The sound.

I care about the sound quality podcast. Gotcha. Well, how far into this bad Larry are we? We're 53 minutes, but we still have other stuff to talk about. We have other stuff. What do we got? We got a, oh, my girlfriend's coming out because she... Uh-oh.

We started talking about it. No, no, it's not what it was. Yeah, well, I am done bark. So my life's going to change. I don't know what I'm going to talk about anyways besides homeless people. That's a... I didn't know if that was true or not. No, no, it's legit, yeah.

Wow. When was the last time you did it? Three days ago. Wow. Monday was the last one? Yep, last one. Wow, dude. Does you feel like summer vacation now?

A little bit, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just like, and so big, because all I last shift, people were just so mad to me, and I was like, it's the last day. I like how you said the last shift. It really was. I was like, this was the last shift. You turn in your name tag. Oh, speaking of summer vacation, there's this thing I'm trying to get started.

You don't need to, like, come up with a thing, and you're like, I got to give some momentum mind. There's people who have, you'll notice this. There's people who have what's called hags vibe. which is like have a great summer. Yeah, yeah. You know that moment, like, at the end of the school year when they write hags and like summer vacation.

If you call, you wrote cats kick ass this summer. Yeah, yeah. But they have like that swag because they're like going out and they have a little bit of a tan. Yeah. It's just like an energy, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I want to get that started.

Like if you see someone with hags vibe, be like, dude, you got that hags vibe. Like T.J. Francis the other day had some serious hags vibe, dude. He's ready. He like, dapped me up and his hair was long. He was like, what's up, dude? I was like, what is this? Yeah, he's really.

You're usually like sad. Yeah. Yeah, dude. He and Sby are unbearable now. Well, that's what happens when you stop drinking. Yeah. Actually, I don't know, Patty's here. You stopped drinking.

Yeah, dude. And now I don't do any other substances. Yeah. I was going to say, we did spend 20 minutes on how you've done a lot of MDMA. I lost my mind. Yeah, now I'm done. But I'm off the booze taking care of myself. It actually helped me, like, immensely.

To quitting drinking. To quitting drinking. I think it was smoking cigarettes. dude. Because I think I quit smoking because of drinking, because I only like to smoke when I was drinking, but I was drinking all the time. Gotcha. So that, I think, really like, improved my mood. And then, like, comedy also got better, because

it's like, oh, I can actually sit down and write a fucking joke. And you get so much to do, because, like, I never, like, stop drinking, but I, like, cut back, and I was, like, dramatic difference instead of comedy. Yeah. Performance you're writing. It's, like, a dramatic difference. But I'm assuming, like, are you guys, if you have a drink, you've got to have a lot of it, or? Yeah.

I like I even right now I think about I'm like I could go back and like have a drink here there but then in the back of my mind I'm like but I want to like black at like I want to lose my shit because that's just that's the fun part about anything and that's why drugs are fun because like there's no like one beer's equivalent worth of like a drug sure it's like you take a drug and you're just there but that's all the problem is like they do need to regulate things in a sense where it's like oh okay you could do a little bit of this or like they should have measurements on stuff where you're like, okay, I'm doing, like, pot is so hard to measure. I took my fucking vape and I, uh, I vaped into my bong because I was trying to like have like,

I don't know, I used like a dryer babe because it's supposed to be better for your lungs. Yeah. And bongs obviously make it like more smooth. But then I ended up just taking this giant bong rip and just being like, I can't dose weed. I've been doing it for like 10 years. Yeah. Yeah. I still don't know the amount that's like, sure.

You know what I mean? Because you're always like, yeah, what if I'm not high enough? Wouldn't that suck? Yeah. Which is it's such a fixable problem. but in your mind you're like, I got to get this. It's not like, I think you're so used to being a kid, at least I am. And I'm like, oh, you got to smoke all this now because you got to put it away,

make sure you don't smell like weed. But now I'm an adult, there's no rush. There should be any reason that I'm like, I got to get none high as shit now. Yeah, I do miss like weed, just like taking one hit from a bowl and just like chilling out. But it's just the thing where it's like once I get high, I just want to do something that's going to waste my time. Yep. Because it makes the time wasting thing so much fun.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I agree with that. But I also, I'm somewhat the opposite where I get like, so I still, to this day, smoke pot every night get these horrible panic attacks at the very beginning. But it's this crazy, like, clarity moment because I have the panic attack coming in and now I know it so well that I break down on my crazy thoughts and I can, like, deal with them in like a very productive way that I'm like, oh, I'm freaking out about this, but I'm not really thinking about it. Because I feel like pot and mushrooms kind of do this thing where everything that's on the back of your brain, it gets thrown to the rest. Yeah, absolutely. So you're like, now I have to actually deal with this right now. Right, right. How often do you, like, microdose mushrooms? I haven't done them forever. I haven't done shrooms. I've got a whole thing waiting on. What do you get?

Where are you going to do them? Probably just going to do it at home and just kind of chill. Yeah. Maybe go to the park, be real gay about it. Yeah, it's a good way to do. But it's great. I'm very excited. Yeah, I think it is, like, the best, in my opinion, the best drug.

Like, I've never enjoyed it, but I think in everything considered, it's like really not that bad for you. And when it's a good, when you feel, I have a good trip, it's like the best young. I want to, so I mean, like, I want to do, because I've only done mushrooms a couple times. And so I want to do them a few more times. And like, I want to get crazier into like psychedelics and all of that. Be a DMT guy, bro. I, well, dude, I did, I was- Speak to the Machine.

Did you listen to the Rogan episode with Neil Brennan? Yeah, it didn't make. Dude, Neil Brennan is such a fruit. Dude, I fucking sucks. I liked it. I, like, I don't know. I never found happiness in my life. Shut up

Sorry your dad was a horrible alcoholic And you lived with 20 kids And you hate yourself I mean, it doesn't have a sad life But anyways I think No, I actually like It made me not want to do it

Because it was like He kept up telling He's like DMT Really changed me Well he was talking about ayahuasca Yeah yeah which is DMT Okay Yeah it's five

It's like the same thing But it's just in a longer form But then he's like Yeah Then I took it one time And my brain was broken For like two months And then I'm like

None of that seems worth it to me Yeah You know what I mean? I don't know. I don't know. I don't think it's... It's so different for everybody because I'm in the part

where I really want to deal with all the mental shit I'm dealing with. So part of me obviously wants to take mushrooms and then yell out of an ocean for like an hour and just like embrace whatever crazy shit I'm dealing with. What does it tell say? Scream the N-worded in an eclipse or something?

I never heard that. That's funny. But I do want like a moment like that where I'm just like ah, but I don't think it'll fix everything. Like in my mind, I'm like, yeah, I'll just do this. I'll go into the desert and have the vision quest. I think it's another late in life thing,

like heroin, you know, DMT, homosexuality. Yeah, right. Yeah, you do it then, yeah. Yeah, you do it then, yeah. Because, like, I don't know, it's like a Steve Jobs thing. It's like everybody's like, like I guess he's a genius,

but like so many other people have done acid. It's not like he just did it. Also, it's weird to me that he wore the same shirt all the time. Yeah, and no belt. What a fucking douche? That's such a douche thing. Like, if I was, you know you're smarter than everybody,

you start making weird fucking rules. You're like, nah, I don't eat fucking toast before one o'clock. That's just how it works. Have you seen Burr's bit on that? No. On how he's, like, he, he hated Steve Jobs because of, like, the marketing. He was just like, I don't think that guy did anything. I think he just got a bunch of smart people together and just shouted out weird ideas.

And he just, like, would just be eating a pretentious fruit like a pear? Just like, yeah, and another thing. Yeah, I want my music to play one after the other. Figure it out. They're like, oh shit, okay. That's probably what Elon Musk does because he just hires the smartest people in I don't know. That guy is he's got to be smart.

He's so socially awkward. I think he's faking it. The worst is like, fakingitism? Yeah. When he tries to make jokes, it's so weird. I don't even know how to do him. It's not bad.

It is possible that society had advanced far enough that this could be a simulation. It is possible that a penis does feel good in your asshole. I've run the numbers. Have you seen him on no experiment?

It's a, So I get, I get fucked in the ass. Dude, your sound kind of like a... Like, I don't... What's the... Your sound kind of like Caitlin Jenner, dude. I always end up doing Caitlin. And a little bit of Sean Connery in there, too.

It's so good to hit... No, Caitlin Jenner. Being Sean Conner, it'd be like... There's Caitlin Jenner, guys. Okay, so here we go, it's to be this. It's okay to hit a woman every once in a while. As long as you fuck her afterwards. As long as you fuck her.

I'm Caitlin Jenner. My Jeff Goldblum turns into Caitlin Jenner, too. Because if I'm doing, no, that's not Jeff Goldblum. I'm horrible impressions. I'm just going to get trapped. I can't wait. Jeff Goldblum.

Is that it at all? No. I just think of Apartments.com. Caitlin's, I always end up doing this long thing. Apartments.com. Yeah, he's like the spokesperson for Apartments. I feel like his voice kind of goes up. Jeff Goldblum.

Do you think he barks him? I'm going to lick your testicles. Yeah. Is he gay? he's got, he's got to be, he's got to touch, he's got to touch some balls. Listen, the 90s were a different thing.

Yeah, I don't know. There was one thing, I remember seeing him on the drag queen show or what's called Rupal, but he just basically was like, you're Iranian, but, you know, she wears like a hijab, and he's like, you know, you're representing a culture that hates gay people or something like that. But the girl, the problem is you only see that clip, though, and the girl responded, she's like, yeah, that's what I don't like about the culture,

so that's why I'm like, yeah, that's fair. That's like wearing like a dressing like a priest And like also like you know He's also a man dressing like a fucking lady Yeah yeah yeah So hey Jeff Goldblum Shut the hell up

I noticed you have a penis Between your legs Shut the hell up But you're still wearing a skirt Elon Musk I don't even know how to Elon Musk I thought that was pretty good I think the first time I had it

Yeah That wasn't bad The Rockets were going No I don't know what that was No I think he's smart. He's so unfunny, though. I hate when smart people try to be funny.

Dude, like Lex Friedman? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Dude. I do like listening to him, but he's not funny. No, no, no. Not, no. He has interesting.

I think he had, or was planning on having, like, Zuckerberg on his podcast, which I would absolutely listen to that. You know what? Comedy kind of. It's too much autism at once. I just want to see if he, I don't know, because I think he's the same way with, like, Rogan. He's like, if you're going to do the pod, you got to, like, commit to, like, three hours.

and so like I think it'd be interesting to hear him talk for three hours try to I could see him just having a breakdown I can't handle it I feel like comedy is ruining science because like there's so many of these scientists that like love comedy and they just want to do podcasts and it's like dude get in the fucking

if you're if you're fucking Lex Friedman you're like he's like I can make a robot that can you know like bring groceries to the but I got to talk to Tim Dillon for four hours it's like dude run the numbers. We also, we have, we have these celebrity scientists now. Yeah, I should not be, I should know. I shouldn't

know who Fauci is. There should be somebody else who's just like, listen, this is what the guy fucking told me on. Right. Dude, if you start getting pussy for science, we're going to fucking crumble. That's terrible. Yeah, yeah. That's why they're good at science, because they get zero pussy. Dude, if Isaac Newton got pussy, we'd all be floating in the fucking air.

Yeah, if you just... Gravity would have never gotten invented. Invented gravity. Well, you gotta wrap up there. I'm actually gonna write that down. Yeah, that's a smart one. That's fun. I'm also gonna clip it and ruin it for you.

Oh, fuck. That's okay. What do you guys want to promote? I do, I'm doing shows all over the place. He's lying. No, I'm just kidding. No, I really get lying. I get shows every now.

No, you get shows. You're funny. Yeah, I'm doing all right. You can check out my podcast, two solid sevens. I'm gonna keep doing that. And that's really it. That's all I got. Hell yeah.

Yeah, Matt's fucking hilarious, by the way. Thank you guys. You get a chance to see him. Thank you. I would like to plug, I don't know, my Instagram. Yeah, do that, do that, yeah, man. My Instagram is at Patty is funky, with underscores between the Patty is and between the is funky.

Nice. And that's all. I'm at Matt Bowman Comedy. Thank you.