Morning Good - In The Stank - Episode 16

Episode Date: March 7, 2021

Thanks to Levi and Charlie for this hilarious and educational podcast. Make sure to follow them both to see anything they have coming up.Levi White is on Instagram @levithewhite. Charlie Dawson is on Instagram @charliesanglers_, follow him and his comedy channel @waytoozesty.tv. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. All right. We should be starting. We should be good. We're here with Charlie Dawson and Levi White. Hey. Yo. All right.

Should we not talk about the fight on here? No, we shouldn't talk about it. Okay, no fight. Yeah. We'll be adults. Yeah. We had, uh, my buddy almost got in a fight, uh, last night. Um, who?

Uh, our friend. Uh, I'd rather not say. The, uh, the doctor? Uh, the doctor's friend. The redhead friend of the doctor? Yeah. Let's cut all this. Uh, that's way better that, no, dude, I, um, no, he'd like it.

No, he doesn't care. I also had the doctor on a podcast and he said a bunch of crazy shit. And then it was, uh, that's, uh, that's, like, it wasn't even like an issue. He was like, yeah, you don't have to cut any of that out. I'm like, you have a serious job. Like, you should not be cool with like, he said it, right? Like a bunch. He said the word. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But he put the, oh, did. I asked, no, they told me about it immediately. Oh, yeah. They're like, guess what we did? And I was like, what? And they're like, we did this. I was like, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's not good. Well, I don't know. See, because if the person's

is Middle Eastern and they say sand before the N-W? Oh, that's the thing. It's a And he claims he's been called it his whole life. So that's another. You're like a denial. I know him. He's been treated very well by white people. Yeah, I don't know. I'm just not like allowed to have an opinion on that.

That's such a funny one too because that's somebody else's slur. But it's still insulting black people. Yes. Yeah, 100%. But like black people can't call Middle Eastern people that slur because then it's kind of insulting themselves. Whoa. I didn't even think about it like that. Yeah.

I think everyone should just. it. That's what I'm for now. Let's all say it on three. You guys go first. Oh my God. I saw the funniest thing. So I want to start with like an RIP. Both these podcasts have had you on. So you have another friend die. What happened? No, no, no, no. So this guy who's a very funny comic, his name is Eric Myers. Like hilarious. I only saw him one time in Orlando. But he like, he was like deep. Like he was passed at the comedy store, all the stuff. Wow. So if you don't know like the comedy store when you get past there, you can write your name on like the wall. That's like the big thing. With the white chalk and the black wall. right?

That's it. Okay. And this person got like a, um, so did you, did you see this thing? So what happened was this per,

the comedies were posted were incredibly sad to announce the passing of paid regular Eric Myers. The energy brought to the stage was matched. Rest easy, Eric and make Mitzi laugh for us. And Louis Anderson comments, congratulations and welcome.

The picture is him getting past. So. That's incredible. I love you just like clearly did not read the whole non-at-all. And he probably just like, wow, things are turning around. I guess they're passing people in the comedy. Oh my God.

That's so funny. What did Louis Anderson do? He was the voice of the Squidward. Oh, shit. Somebody's knocking at the door. Oh. You guys talk about something. He did Squidward?

I don't know what Louis Anderson is. He had a... All I know, he had his own cartoon. He's a... Oh, like Little Louie or some shit. Little Louis. I don't know. Maybe that's not what it's called.

Let's get deeper. How are you? He was... I'm right. So my neighbor came in and needed to get packages, so we paused the podcast. But what was the riff? Can I say that sounds hot? Your neighbor came in and had to get some packages?

You deliver, Michael? The walls are very thin. So you're just going to ruin a relationship. She's like, it is very hot, actually. Yeah. The riff was actually really fun. And Levi kind of took the lead on it, so... Oh, yeah.

I'm not going to repeat it now. The worst is trying to recreate it. Yeah. This is happening. I'm not an actor. But no, he didn't do Squidward. No. Didn't he have like a cartoon show?

Louis Anderson. Louis or some. Is he dead? No, no, he commented on the post. Well, he just commented on somebody's things

so I hope not, yeah. Well, I guess he would be saying welcome. Yeah. He's like, welcome to heaven. That was my first.

I was like, are you Instagramming from the dead? From the dead. I've texted a dead person. I don't know. It's dark, but I was like, I don't know if you're ever going to get this.

Well, you knew they were dead and you still texted them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you, I've gone on my dead friends' Instagram pages when I miss them and just scroll. Sometimes I like a post. Yeah, I always feel weird, though. Yeah, it is weird, yeah. Sometimes people will go on that person's Instagram and post for her.

She died maybe six years ago, and sometimes people will post a story on her Instagram and be like, oh, Dana would have been so happy to see you guys. Oh, at least they're doing, I thought they're pretending to be the person still. No. No. Which is very weird. They're like, yeah. I'm back, bitch. Yeah.

What? That would be a, that'd be a wild break. It creeps me out, though. Do you guys have a lot of... Let's start on a positive. Do you guys have a lot of dead friends? How's that? No.

I've got a few. Few, yeah. Few. In the last... I know two people have overdosed and one person who's died killed himself last year, but I don't know a single person's died of COVID,

so it's not real. It's not what I'm saying. But it's so annoying because you can't argue that way because I guarantee you somebody knows like 10 people who died of COVID. Yeah, fuck you. My friend, this is what everyone says,

but this is the only relation I have. My friend's cousin's sister died of COVID. Yeah. Three degrees. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I don't know anybody who's my roommate's friend from back home.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I guess I'd just be my friend's cousin. Because if it's your cousin's sister. I think some people are stretching now. Like my girlfriend will be like, I know someone that died of COVID. And it's like, you know someone that knows someone that knows someone like. Yeah.

It's not quite the same. Stop taking credit for this, you know. I'm trying to get some points. I heard you actually a COVID denier. I'm a big COVID denier. That's why I'm wearing my USA hat. Hell yeah, brother. Solidarity with my Trump brethren.

That's what is funny. It's like, so you know how there's like anti-Asian hate crimes going on? That's not what's funny. But it's hilarious. It was funny because like somebody who stopped right there. There you go. This is what's funny.

Anti-Asian hate crimes. Right guys? But what I was trying to say is like, it's funny because like what a lot of people say is they're like far right, like, neo-Nazi people that are attacking them. But it's weird because I thought, it can't be that, right? Because far right, people don't believe in COVID.

So that'd be weird to hate crime somebody forgiving a disease. I mean, I guess they could be like, your fake disease is shutting our country down. Yeah, that could make sense. Yeah. But you have a good point, though. If they don't believe in it,

why would they be beating up people who brought it into the country? If they didn't bring it, there's nothing to bring it. That would be weird. This is forgiving us that disease. It's not real. It doesn't make sense.

But I think the people, the Asian people getting beat up, uh, my friend, I think our friend Dylan actually got punched here in New York. Yeah, a few months ago. You said our friend. He's your, I don't really.

Dylan's, uh, no, no, no, yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah,

he's one of those people I know him enough to be like, hey, what's up? But like, not enough to like, he's one of the, yeah, I don't want to claim friends you don't have.

Yes. You don't know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Be like, oh, I'm tight with them and then you meet them and it's like, I don't know you. Yeah.

That's the worst internet. I've had that happen where like, I say I know somebody and then to a friend and they're like sweet that person's coming over and the person comes over and then they go hey what's up I'm so and so and you can see the person look at you they're like you're like you're like do you get caught in lies a lot

like a do you lie a lot I mean I'm a I lie in the dumbest thing like I got so high the other day I went to 7-11 and I find myself lying to the clerk there which is the most pointless person to fucking lie to I literally go in and I'm like how much your tequitos and he was like three bucks and I I made a mental note. I'm like, if they're over $2, I'm not going to buy one.

And then I told them, I was like, I'll be right back. I got to pull some money up. Yeah, I got to move some things around. It counts. And then I paid like $20 for wings at climate. Of crime. Wow. I'll still lie about like, yeah, I've seen that movie before.

Yeah, oh my God, I'll be that all the time. I do that. And I feel so fucking stupid because then I'll like start quizzing me. And I'm like, Oh, yeah, I love that part. You're like, me too. I also, you're like, I love that part. I don't know anything about this fucking movie.

Yeah. But you got to stick with the lie once you get in. That's the thing. You got to stick with it. Do you lie? All the time. Really? Just for convenience.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's little things. Like the other night, a friend of mine, he wanted to hang out at like 9 a.m. the next day. And I didn't want to wake up. So I told him, I was like, no, I'm going to go see this guy that I'm hooking up with. And I wasn't hooking up with anyone at the time.

And I was like, I'm going to be at his place. I'm going to be there all morning. Like, I can't hang. And then, like, 10 minutes later, he's like, so what are you doing tonight? And for some reason, I just forgot. And I go, I'm just going to hang at my place. Yeah, you already told him. And he was like, what?

And I tried to save him. I go. And then shower and then go to the guy's place. Felt so bad. You got to come back and just be like, I fucked him so good. Yeah. Just like sweating. Yeah.

It's always, like, little convenience things, though. It's never like a big lie, you know? I lie about my. alcohol and drug use all the time. That's a good sign. It's so funny because like I think mine's a spike in a little bit. But it's so funny because like I think the thing is that I like, I don't ever to an extreme. My favorite thing is so I'm going through this thing where I'm supposed to like not drink for 30 days.

It's called like moderation management. It's supposed to be like AA for people that don't want to quit because I was just blacking out a lot. But it's so not helpful because the things are like, they're like you're supposed to tell Mark how many times you drink a night. And that's never like you know how much you drink a night. Like when you black out, you don't need to, like, be like, oh, wow, I can't believe I had 20 drinks last night. It's like, no, I threw up all over the place and I started snorting medications. I knew, I know how much I drank last night. Like, I don't need a lot.

I'm not going to be surprised about the amount I put down. Yes, yeah. You're not going to see like 20 and be like, oh, my God, 20. You knew it was 20. Yeah. And then once it gets to a point, you're not like counting your drinks. You're kind of just blacking out. Yeah.

You ever get to the point where you're just drinking whatever? You're like, well, I guess we're doing wine now. I guess we're doing wine spriters now. Yeah, I'm very. economical. So like whatever I can get my hands on. Little scavenger. Yeah, yeah. Are you a big drinker, Levi?

Not as much as I used to be. Like, I'll have like periods of time where I'll just go a week of heavy drinking. But like I'm not like a party guy. So I'm just drinking in my apartment. Okay. Not a party guy. Yeah, yeah. So like I'll be drinking like just gin by myself or like with my girlfriend playing

fucking Mario Kart. That sounds amazing. Oh, no, it's boring But it's great I don't throw up Like the last time I threw up for drinking It was me and my girlfriend playing beer pong In our apartment like at the start of COVID

Yeah Everything was shut down So we were putting Fucking hard seltters in the cups And then putting a shot of gin in each one Oh dude that's a bit spiking your hard seltters Oh my god Dude I got fucked up

Yeah We both threw up at the same time That's adorable That's love very good She was a toilet. I was in the sink. I thought you meant she was the toilet. Yeah, she was a toilet.

I threw up in her. Open up wide. But I wake up and I'm using the bath mat as a blanket. Yep. Like I tore every towel out of the apartment, like through everything. I went fucking nuts.

Wow. So I haven't been that drunk since in a long time. But yeah. I was never much like of a blackout kind of. Yeah. No, I realize this what happens. Once every two years,

I have to, like, have a serious thing where I do drink too much, I do so much drugs, and then I get my life back on track. And I'm like, I'll see you again in two years with this problem.

But like, it has to have, I have to, I have to, you have to have that, that, to get my shit to get me. Yeah, if I took that out,

I think I would just become lazier. Yeah, you'd just be kind of like in the middle, just kind of like, kind of drink, kind of don't, but you need like rock bottom

and then you rise from it. Exactly. Yes. Yeah, yeah, Yeah. So we're back to hate crimes. Where were we? Okay, so Dylan got hit. Dylan got hit, and it was a crazy guy. And I guess my point is like, a lot of the...

I don't think it's a political thing. I think it's literally just crazy people. I think it's just a crazy person thing. Yeah. And also, the guy shouted to Dylan, like, I'm hitting you because you're Asian. He probably said it differently. But that was the point. And, but I don't think it was like, like you said, a political thing. I think he was just like... I'm on the right, so I'm this. Yeah. Yeah, no, exactly. I think it's just like, I'm angry because of COVID. And then he hit him. That's it. The crazy guy's got a good eye.

Like, I don't know, Dylan, but I know what he looks like. And like, you say he's got a good eye? Yeah, because I would be like, is he? Should I punch him in that face? That's got to be so confusing for very racist people when people are just like sort of in between. Yeah. Do I hate you? There's something about you.

Maybe I'll just flick you. Yeah. How does that not make like racist people realize how dumb it is? if they have to like choose whether or not to be racist, you know? So silly. Yeah, that's the weird thing. I was thinking about Irish stereotypes the other day. And it's so funny because they have horrible stereotypes,

but they just don't affect society. Like nobody's like, I'm not going to hire anymore. I know they used to be like, oh, this is an Irishman. I don't want to hire him. But it's so weird that anymore, nobody hears that joke about them being drunks and fighting all the time. Yeah. And it's just like, well, it's true because it's a joke.

You know what I mean? But with other racist people will hear the joke. And I don't necessarily blame the jokes. I blame people for believing the joke. Like racist jokes, I don't blame. necessarily the joke. I blame the people who are like, oh, this must be true because there's a joke. Yeah, and then they like believe in it. Yeah, yeah. They're like, oh, I agree with that. It's like, no, it's a joke. Yeah, yeah. But I don't know, like, where, I don't know, that's, it's weird to hear a joke and then think like, that's why it always piss me out people are like, oh, you know, comedy always comes from truth. It's like, no, it doesn't. Yeah, sometimes it's a full-on bit.

Yeah, it's an actual joke. Yeah. But you, you, you were finished, where you, oh, you said he was just a crazy guy. It is a crazy guy, but, yeah, but I also do think there are people that are on the right that, that might not be so nice to Asians right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it also might be a lot of crazy people. Yeah, yeah. Also, I don't know what's going on. I realized this the other day,

I don't know what's going on outside of my immediate little New York City bubble. You know, like, I'm so... No, it's definitely different because I've been... I was in Florida for like the beginning half and yeah, everybody's... New York is slowly going back, which I'm excited about. But it's, yeah, it was funny going from New York to like other places. Like, because I was first in New York and then, like, being three weeks here, and like washing all my groceries

doing all this crazy stuff and I went back to Florida and everybody's like what are you doing? Like it's fine. Were you quarantining like packages that you got? Remember doing that?

I was doing all kinds of weird shit and then I realized I'm like all right it's real but it's not like It's fine. Yeah yeah For us because we're healthy because we're healthy and young. Yeah for other people it fucking sucks

but for me I was like it's totally fine and then there they really don't care like I can show you everybody Snapchat people are partying but they surprisingly their cases aren't as bad as How? I don't know how they're not that. Like, it should be awful down there. Yeah.

Also, I don't know. I guess just population-wise. No. Well, it could be a density thing, but New York has a, so per population, Florida's like 25th lowest COVID cases. Oh, wow. But per- Who's up there? New York. Oh, okay.

Per population. Like, okay. It's, it's a, actually, I don't know, probably per population, probably some random place like Rhode Island that has like a low population. Oh, sure. Yeah. But, um, I mean, New York's still getting hit bad. you know, hospitals are still pretty full.

It's just no one talks about it. I think the issue is that the hospital's here is so fucking small. So, like, in Florida, it's like they, I feel like they have bigger, more room and more space. Like, they're not reaching capacity. And they've been open this whole time. Yeah. But it's, remember we brought in the boat in March, April? They brought in that.

They would have, the boat just go away because we should. People ended up, the boat ended up, uh, not being safe. Yeah. And they're like, we need this for something. Yeah. Wait, a boat's bombing Syria? I don't know. How is it in the air?

It was silly. I liked it. But the boat got like too many cases. Too many people got cases on the boat. It was like a little COVID death trap. This doesn't work. Get this out of here. Yeah.

No, they just need more space. I like the field thing. Like just a field. The field thing is nice. Have you guys been on field at the dating app? Well, you guys both have girlfriends. Yeah. Let's field the dating app.

It's for kinks. You like put all your kinks in your bio and try to match with people who have similar kinks. Is there a limit? That seems to. No, you can put in 30 things. Nice. It's rad. All right.

So what are you kidding? Come on. I have a lot of weird ones. I'm really into like boobs and like a butt. Oh, and like a nice face and a good personality. I'm weird. Like I'm weird.

Kind of gross. Yeah. It's disgusting. I get down. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not on it. I just do hinge.

That's kind of a good thing to be like up front though, because then you're like, all right, I'm not going to randomly get Pete on a month from now. Yes, exactly. You can get Pete on tonight. Yeah, exactly. You know. What do you talk about, though?

Like, when you know all that about someone? Yeah, that's so true. So what shows you've been watching as you're getting pissed on? Yeah, yeah. I think even when you're eating, they're eating soup at dinner. You're like, oh, I know what you want to do with that spoon later. Exactly. I don't know.

Do you guys have kinks? Are you? Yeah, I can't talk about them because my girlfriend doesn't like me talking about. but I got like a there a lot there I am playing Jane Irish Catholic yeah sir oh yeah I'm pretty boring so I don't know like I wish that was the thing it's not fun to be into weird because then you're never like oh this is cool it's like no this is something that everybody has to deal with now not everybody's not like in a moose costume but well isn't sex just I'm not coming out it but isn't sex just enough like you're naked with someone that's why that's so kinky no

It's cool. No, it is, but it's like, I don't know, like variety and things. Sure. Evolve some food. Okay, sure. Like, so Valentine's Day, you know, my girlfriend bought this board game

where it's like mostly oral stuff. Right. And the first fucking thing I land on, it's like suck on her toes. I'm like, no. Like, she's been wearing socks all day. These things are fucking nasty. I'm not doing that shit.

I get a bunch of lint in my mouth. See, I don't, I'm not bothered by the toe thing, but I'm bothered. by people being bothered by the toe thing. Because I'm into weirder things in feet. Some of people are like, foot fetish are disgusting. I'm like, what about other stuff that's crazier than foot fetish?

What's crazy? I'm trying to think of your kinks right now. It's like a long list, but I can't cross over. So like with one, I can't have two. Like as in, if I'm into like something weird over here, I can't, it can't be combined with this thing. This thing's like a separate thing. Sure, sure.

Listeners, guess Michael Goods King. Send in your guests. out of control, but just like, I don't know. But also, I think there's a ton of stuff I watch in porn, but I don't like in real life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%. Like, I'm like, oh, there's really kinky in porn, because, like, sometimes just watching people on a screen,

fuck isn't the same thing as having sex, obviously. So, like, you need a higher, like, threshold of arousal. Of course, yeah. Speaking of that, what's... Let's pull out of my girlfriends, people. We're the girls. We can answer these questions. I look at the things on the back.

They're pretty lame. If you ever spent the more than $5 on an app, is Fial the more than $5 dollars? Fields free. It's a dating app. Some of them are more expensive. I used to pay for Tinder. You can't.

You can. You can. Just swipe. Oh, yeah. No, I never did that. Yeah. No, Fields free from what I know.

Whoever's most likely to sleep through an earthquake. These are fucking lame. Yeah, how are these for girls? Who's been fisted by their biology? Something weird like that. I'd have to say yes. He was really pretty.

No, but you're right about like stuff you see him porn. Then you try doing it in real life. You're like, this isn't that great actually. Yeah, yeah, you're like, this is, yeah. Because you can't smell things in porn. You're watching it. Smell is such a big part of sex. I had no idea.

Such a big part of it. Like bad smells? Good or bad. I mean, luckily I've been with partners who take care of themselves, but I've also been with some that didn't. I was like, holy cow, I cannot. It's like you're in the stank. Yeah.

You're in that funk. That should be the name of the podcast. In the Stank with Michael Good. I really want to run like just the grimyest podcast. Yeah, sure, sure. Just call Have girls calling and call him Sweetheart or something like that.

Sweetheart, what's your name? Where are you from? Uh-huh. Tuts. Honey. You should break up with your boyfriend and be with the real man. Just like, every caller.

They're asking like serious advice. I'm just like, how about you suck my dick? Like, my dad's an alcoholic. I don't know what to do. He beats me every day and, like, fuck you, pig. Yeah. What? It's not been a dumb hole.

Yeah, but you listen to your father, you bitch. Irish now. You are Irish. You're very Irish, so aren't you? Yeah, well, I'm like, um... You got the big Irish head. Yeah, I'm 50% Irish and then like some Italian, but I disown Italian. Really?

Yeah, that's the right thing to do. I'm, I'm, yeah, exactly. Especially with the Cuomo stuff, I'm, I disown it completely. At this point. I'm, whatever is selling out your own people for Italian. I'm a house squido. Whoa. That's sounded bad.

How squeeter? Hey, is I can say it. We good? Everyone good? I'm Italian. Okay. Okay. 12%.

An uncle Tony. Oh my God, Michael. But yeah, no, it's like 25%. But it's so weird, though. Because that was the whole thing where people didn't consider Italian people white for like the longest time. But it's weird because then they became white,

but then Hispanic people stopped becoming white. Because it used to be the other way where a lot of Hispanic people would consider white. Really? Well, the president of Mexico is a white guy. Like, it's a weird thing with like other countries. I know like 65% of Puerto Rico considers himself white.

But if you saw them here, you'd be like, mm-mm. Mm-mm. Not in my neighborhood. Not in my parade. it's their parade they do have a lot of them is there a white Puerto Rican parade going on too

this is not for me that's a weird thing with like Hispanic people because like you look at Cubans and they're Hispanic but they're like some of them are blonde so that's like a weird thing when it comes to like race because like yeah

like I've heard they're Mexican people that like if you tell them they weren't white they'd be like offended by it wow really but they are like it's like a weird it's like Italian people you know what I mean like some of them are white some of them are like darker

so it's like a weird thing. Some people are so Italian. Yeah. You ever like meet a really Italian guy? Like the governor and not the mayor. Yeah. Mayor's fake. Yeah.

Who's the mayor? Is Cuomo the governor and de Blasio's the mayor? Yeah. And de Blasio's name is really Warner Wilhelm. Is it really? Yeah, but he changed just to run for governor. Jesus. It made sense though.

Apparently there's this thing where Trump used to like lie and say he was Swedish because it would not look good if you were German because there's somebody Jewish. people in New York. Oh, sure. And then also, I think de Blasia more Italian. So you get Italians and Jews on your side and you can win the city. Yeah. Wow. That's a lot of New York. That's a lot of New York. You're Jewish, right? I'm Jewish, yeah. Nice. I don't practice. I'm thinking about starting to practice, though. What made you decide that? I really lack community and a spiritual structure in my life. Like, you know, everyone says they're spiritual. Yeah. I say that, but it's like, that comes from me meditating once a month, maybe reading a self-help book or something. Yeah. But I want a real,

spiritual, like I want to read about the before times, like biblical times and try to connect with those characters and those feelings. And I want community. See, I always think that and then I read the Bible and I'm like, they're cutting the rocks of penises. I'm like, or they're cutting the penises. Where they're going to rock the same. It's a sharp penis. Check out those penises. I was like, I was like, it was wild. But then I like reading it in a conspiratorial way where I'm like, oh, this could be this. Yes. Yes. Exactly. dinosaurs or something. Jewish people.

Anything bad. Yeah. Anything bad. But no, it's a weird, I don't know. Yeah, and it's also like my family was all Jewish and then my parents were like, we don't want to raise you any sort of religion. Yeah, I think you told me this on the last episode. Yeah, can I just say the same things?

And I was like, when I was a kid, I was like, that's fun because I don't have to like spend my Sundays at church. I can sleep in. But now that I'm older, I'm like, but I wanted to try. Even if it doesn't work and it fails, I still want to try. pry it out, you know? Yeah. It's, and I would, I could connect with my grandmother more and I'm getting dirty on this pot. I'm sorry, man. No, you're good. No, no. I'm going to hear about you connecting with your grandma. That's all. I might be a, I want to be Jewish. Nice.

Yeah. Yeah. I, uh, I don't know, I went the other way because I was religious for like the first like 17 years of my life. And then like, like, one thing didn't work out with a girlfriend. And I was like, God can't be real. I swear to you guys like one thing that happened. And I was like, nope. But now I'm back to where like, I think there's a God. I sort of pray to a God. But I'm I don't know if he's real. Do you pray to a universe? No, I call him God. It's like a force in my head.

Okay. But like I don't know if it's like legitimately real or I'm just talking myself. Sure, sure. Because whenever it says bad thoughts, I'm like, no, that's not a God. That's not God. It's like a bad thought. I'm like, God couldn't be telling me. You're saying what God is and isn't?

You're like, no, that's not God. Yeah, yeah. I know God. God would want me to drink this whole pint of liquor right now. That's what you would want. Levi, what religion were you? I was raised Catholic. Oh, okay.

Maybe he was like Muslim or something. Yeah. I was white. He was Buddhist, devout Buddhist. It's Catholic. My dad was like, I don't know, he believes in God, but he hated God. He hated church. Right?

So my mom would force us to go while my dad slept in. Oh, that's hilarious. And so, like, I would be jealous of him. Yeah. And then I fucking, I hated it. I hated it so much. It's the worst. And then, you know, once you're like, and...

middle school, high school, you start thinking you understand everything about the world. So I'm like, I don't need to go to church. I understand God. 16. You're like, I got it. I got this down, man. There's no problem. And then you go to college and you're like, yeah, he doesn't exist anymore actually.

You know, he's all fake. That's exactly. That's a great timeline. High school, you're like, I figured it out college at that age. You're like, there's a, there is no God. And you get a little older and you're like, maybe. And that's kind of where you're at. Yeah, now I'm like, maybe.

I can hope there's a guy. I'm like, I got it. Please. Please be real. I'm fucked if there's no God. I mean, for real. Yeah. I was like,

things aren't going to get better. Like it, um, but it's a weird thing when the, the craziest is we had, uh, the doctor were talking about before the, the Middle Eastern one.

And he was saying that there's some part of Islam where you wash your penis. So it's, he has the water and can in his bathroom. You wash, not just all your genitals after you use the restroom because it's like, all of them. All of them. All of two of whites.

A vagina penis, balls, asshole, whatever you use the bathroom with you wash it with the spout. Oh, you wash your asshole with it too? Yeah. I think so.

Maybe it's just front genitals. I don't know how you would, you splash. It's like a bedet and just splash it up. You're using your hand. It's just kind of like, especially because he said it's a cans. It sounds like you're kind of like. I wish people could see the motion. It's very funny.

Yeah, just fighting against gravity, try to throw it up there. I don't know. It's probably just the front ones. It's probably the front ones. Yeah. That's the stuff that makes me not get too into religion because I'm like, I don't think God is out there like caring about things like that.

There's no way. There's no way. It's not be wild. Or being like, oh, you weren't looking west when you pray. and it's like, we made up west. Yeah, yeah. There's no way. There's no West.

Yeah. Oh, religion. Yeah. I got high and tried reading the Bible, though. Oh, that's sketchy. Yeah, I don't know. It was high on water? On weed?

Weed, yeah. Okay. How was it? It was just, it was cooler. Like, there was floods and stuff. I was thinking, like, this would be like a sweet, like, this would be a great IMAX movie. Sure.

I'm surprised there's not more biblical movies. Like, like, good AAA biblical movies. It's that one, Darren Aronofsky one. What the fuck? Fuck was like. Just Noah, I think. Noah. With Russell Crow. I was thinking of

Evan Almighty for some reason. Because he plays Noah. It's close. Yeah. Same deal. No, like, I guess it's more biblical. I don't fucking know. But there's like huge rock people in it. Oh, shit. Was that in the Bible?

Rock people? I don't know. You, I mean, you read it? Yeah. No, I got like 20 pages in. Then I stopped. Well, how does it start? I truly, how does the Bible?

It starts like God created the earth In like these days Oh, it just lays it out flat Yeah, yeah Okay Yeah And then there's like weird things I don't know

A lot of contradictions I'm like And this was Doesn't seem like But it's just been translated To so many languages Yeah Yeah

But But um Dude I tried reading a self-help book The other day It's called the four agreements Have you guys heard of it? No It's a very popular

It's like four things To live your life by And there was one sentence In there That just killed it Can I tell you The guy's a sentence It was so bad

It literally said Words are so power If you go up to a random person on the street and you tell that person that they have cancer Within a year, they will have cancer. This is a best-selling book. Well, you're like, now I have superpowers. Now you tell my boss he has cancer and I can like move up through the world by just giving people cancer. I just want to be a hilarious superhero power.

He just gives people cancer. But it's like a weird time. It takes a while though because they just, they get one tumor. You don't like kill them. You just give them a little bit of cancer. Yeah. Dude, I'd walk down in Fifth Ave and just be like cancer. You got cancer.

you got cancer, you got cancer. Just wipe New York out. Yeah. And I put down the book. I was like, I can't do this. Yeah, yeah. That is ridiculous. And it's the same thing with the Bible where like I'll read, I'll try to read passages

from it. I'll be like, I just don't agree. Like you said, there's contradictions everywhere. And I just don't. Because my thing is I was going to read all three versions, the Bible, the Torah, and the Quran. All three. My favorite meme ever, have you seen it?

It says the desert trilogy. No. Let me, let me. Oh, that's really funny. But it's like perfect. Love it. Because a lot of people forget it's the same, I'm like, not all the same book, but like there's, the Torah is in, the First Testament is the Torah. And then, I don't know that.

Yeah, yeah. So the first Testament of the Bible is the Torah. And then the Quran is like some of that. Like they believe in Jesus in the Quran. Like he's like, he's not like they're, because Muhammad's a real prophet. But like they still believe Jesus was like a dude and stuff. Sure, sure. I think he was a dude, right?

That's proven. Yeah. He's a bro. He's a brat. He's just chilling, dog. But I think I think I. Hang it out, dude. They acknowledge him as the son of God also.

That could be wrong. You know, so I'm Jesus. You all want some fucking wine, dude. I'll turn this water into wine, did. Can we get some sangria on this fucking bitch? Yeah, anyone need a miracle dog? Yeah, this is it. It's like a bitch at it.

The Desert Trilogy. Book one, Jewish Adventures. And the Bible is Jewish Adventures 2, Return of the Jew. And the Quran is Jewish Adventures 3, Revenge of the Jew. Muhammad. Because it's like, but I think, I think Jesus has superpowers in the Quran. What do you mean superpowers?

Like he hasn't in the bottom. He can give people cancer. Cancer, he turns water to cancer. Oh, God. Oh, this is such a fun pod. I love this, man.

Thanks for having me. Yeah, I'm glad there's no format too. I'm sure the listeners hate it, but I'm not going to, I will continue to put minimal effort into every episode. Just tell you guys. Stop listening. My Instagram bio is I don't work hard enough to fail.

And that's... I live my life. Well, the thing is, I'm going to get the crazy guests on, but like this one Satanist, it's so annoying, he's in Vermont, and I can't... I don't want to go out there alone. No, definitely not.

You would die. I don't know, I might start vlogging and just do vlogs of meeting weird people like that. That could be fun. There's weirdos in, like, in this neighborhood that you could talk to. Oh, I'm sure, dude. My favorite are the Goths of, like, St. Mark.

because all the punk people. Dude, I saw some guy with a nose ring just holding like a pigeon. You're just fucking weird people. Yeah, St. Marks gets wild. That St. Marks in the 70s and 80s used to be wild from what I've heard. Yeah, it used to be big heroin. It was a big heroin, very punk rock. Now it's just kind of like NYU.

New York is all just like NYU and Tish and not Tish, new school now. Yeah, yeah. And like artists. But it's like you have that combined with people still doing heroin. It's such a weird, like, I don't know. I would feel. weird sending my kid to school here. Where are you from New York? No, I'm from North Carolina.

I've been here for most of my adult life, though. Yeah, when did you move here? I was 19. I'm 23 now. Yeah, did you go to school here? I got into a school here, but out-of-state tuition was so, so very expensive. And I could have taken out loans, but I was like, I really don't like the thought of having loans. Yeah. Because then I have to get a job after college, and I was doing comedy at the time. I was like, I just want to work a day job. And I know that won't pay my loans off. It'll barely make me rent. So I just moved here and found a job and found an apartment.

Got super lucky the first three months I was here. And I've kind of just been here like surviving ever since. There you go. Yeah, I did. Survivor Charlie Dawson. I have the voice of such like a privilege, just like white guy. I'm a survivor. I will say it was easier. I had help. Like my brother lived in a studio in the Upper East Side. It was a tiny studio, but he let me crash there for like a month so I could go and look at apartments, which was very nice of him. Yeah, yeah. That month did it turn it along? Every time I crash somewhere, it's been way long. It turned into two and a half. It turned into two and a half. And then he was ready for me to go. And then with the job thing, I got really lucky too. I met comics and they

would just throw me jobs. They'd be like, hey man, you're new. I'm like half of, he worked with me. And they also quit every other day. Comics quit jobs all the time. All the time. I was like, I can't do this anymore. I'm like, why? They're like, I don't like somebody telling me what to do. I'm like, that's just what a job is. And they'll be like, does anybody want to work here? Our good friend, I think I'll say, I think it's okay. Lucas, uh, recently. quit yesterday. He quit before the podcast. He kept asking us. Really? Because I'm recording these back to back, but he asked me, he's like, hey, man, do you think

I should quit my job? I'm like, no. And then he quit his job. And he's like, why did I do this? He said, why did I do this? Yeah. Yeah. Why did he do that?

I don't know. That was so silly. Yeah. He was like, my boss doesn't get it. You can't talk to me like that. I was like, boss, man. They can talk to you like that if they want. Dude, I genuinely think I would let my bosses.

They wouldn't do this, but I would let my bosses sexually harass me if it was a good enough job. I'd let him fuck my girlfriend if it was a good job. Swear to God. Yeah, it's a tough Yeah, because it's your job It's like, I don't know It sucks, but So if you're out there

You're getting sexually harassed, you better keep taking it What's the worst job? What's the worst job y'all have ever worked? I worked at a music store On King's Highway And it was fine, it was just fucking The clientele was a nightmare

Where's King's Highway? How many people thought They were going to be like the next Rockstar? The next, Oh, just about everyone. Yeah. They come in, but it was, it was mostly like orthodox Jews.

About buying like electric guitars. That would be sick. Buying electric guitars. Really? But, I mean, they keep the pick in those curls. They were very, very, very, very loyal customers, but also like, you know, they're sticking true to their, their ways of haggling. See, what you're saying on record is that Jews are cheap. Oh, yeah, of course.

Now we are. It's awful. I'm fucking cheap too. I'm not Jewish, but, you get it, though. Yeah, no, they taught me a lot. You can haggle so much more than most people think you can. Oh, what I do in New York all the time is I'll be like, how much is this? And then they'll tell me and I'll start to walk away and then they'll just like immediately.

And then they'll drop it. Yeah. That's everywhere here. Yeah. One thing I had the weirdest, I used to go to the guitar place. and the guitar teacher was his guy with like a beard and he had all the pictures of the kids in the wall and then when he'd go to touch your hand

and tell you where he'd go, don't let me touch. Oh, I just got like shivers. I mean, I was fine, but don't. You gotta dive, buddy, you gotta keep going. What happened? Well, I didn't let him touch. It was just funny that he would be like

trying to move, like he'd like, basically you'd have your hand on the guitar and he'd get so close, but he'd be like, don't let me touch. He wouldn't say it like that. What the fuck? Yeah. It was just such a funny thing to say, like, don't let me touch.

Was it because he, he felt weird about touching you or it was like a practice that? What was it? I don't know. Maybe you like, I don't know. Michael starts crying. He goes, you let him touch.

That would be funny. Like a pedophile guy, but he's like, yo, you're my sponsor almost. He's like, you shouldn't let me do this. Yeah. I have a problem. Why are you letting me? You're like, I'm fucking 10. I don't know.

Oh. I've dodged some for sure. For sure, yeah. 100% dodge some pettos. 100%. Yeah. Feel good about it, too. I got out of there.

Yeah. Slippery. Very slippery. Very slippery. I'm still looking for mine. No, when I talk guitar in high school, and it's definitely... And they let you touch, right?

Oh, yeah. They're asking for it. But it's definitely a fucking weird situation because you would get, like, a girl, like, 13 years old. you know, I'm 17, she's 13. She's got massive 13-year-old tits. That's the thing.

Pushing them out. And I'm like, I went to her mom. I was like, you need to ask her to not dress like this. Yeah. And then she's like, you just hate women. No, she's wearing a thong for guitar practice. This is not acceptable. This isn't appropriate.

And you're like the hot, like, a guitar teacher. Yeah. What's up? I got a long hair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That is very uncomfortable.

Yeah. So uncomfortable. man. But that's like the thing too. It's like, it's so annoying of those jobs because some people

actually like them but so many like predators go to those jobs so it's like just a yeah. That's why I went. It's a flip of a queen.

Shoot and fish in a barrel. They're so available. It's very flip of the coin. But I was talking to something about this. I, the best is I, I,

when I was 14, I was just sexed with this middle age woman in like, no. Yeah, I was friends with her on Facebook. I just sexed in like

Indonesia. She's all for years. She was real. That was a man. Yeah. No, dude, I would be like sending a picture you doing a peace sign. It was real. Just threw my shot.

And I was like, I don't look back at it now. I'm like, no, no, I can't believe that happened. I was kind of like, yeah. You sent her nudes? All the time. Damn, Michael. Just my dick. Yeah.

What about your asshole? Just your dick? Just my dick. It's not too bad. But I was weird. I think I'm still friends around Facebook. She has like a kid and stuff. Like a family.

And I'm like, oh. That's cool. That's so funny. That's so funny. You're ever on tour in Indonesia. Yeah. My girlfriend would be happy with that. but no, she abused me.

Yeah. I had this babysitting job one time similar to your story. I was like I was 16, 17 and the kid was like 10 or 11 and we just like watch YouTube videos together because like there's nothing else to do. And one time there was an ad and there was like a hot lady on the ad and he told me, I forget how

he worded it, but he basically told me he had a boner and I didn't know what to do. It's so uncomfortable. So uncomfortable because you're sitting there and you just go, oh, okay, I'm going to open this door and then I'm going to air it out. I'm going to leave for a bit. I'll come back.

Like, don't do anything. So, it's so uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah, that's the funny thing. I used to have tutors in high school and someone be like, I can't be here unless your parents are home. And I'm like, I almost want to be like,

I get it now, but I almost want to be like, dude, I'm not going to fuck you. Okay. Even if you're trying, I'm not letting you in here, bud. Okay,

you can teach me math. I'm not going to. That's really funny. Yeah. My girlfriend used to work with a kid with like severe autism. Hot, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Super hot. And we're like autism. And so he was at the point where, you know, masturbation was a thing. And his family taught him that masturbation was exercise. He's just like, can I work out before we start tutoring? But then they also wanted him to actually exercise. So we had a dumbbell in one hand his dick in the other. So his mom, like, what are?

whatever they're about to do some. She's like, all right, you got to go exercise. And he would just run to his room to jerk off. That's so gross. When did you start to pick up that exercise meant jerk off? What do you open the wrong door? Did you know, like, the first time? No, it was my girlfriend.

She's the one that was doing this. I didn't fucking know. No, I don't have a big heart like her. What if he was like making loud noises too? She's like, oh yeah, fuck yeah. He's like, sorry, I'm just done exercising. Yeah. He's like a spider web on his hand.

See, I was just, it's sweat. That was the worst when you're like a teenager, you jerk off and you'd think everybody knew. Yes. You walk down to it. But then obviously, like,

if you took an hour shower, you'd be like, everybody does. Everyone knows, yeah. Oh, my dad would be banging on the door. You didn't get out of the shower. I know what you're doing. I'm horny.

He's like, me too. Get out in the shower. Yeah, dude. Wait, I'm so confused that. How did your girlfriend know about this? Yes, that's the same.

Because she was like his caretaker. Oh. because the autism thing. So, yeah. Severe. Okay, so did they frame it in a working out sort of thing so that he felt more comfortable with it? So he didn't call it masturbating?

Yeah, so he wasn't like doing it everywhere, you know? Yeah. Just in the gym. Just with the YMCA. I'm a planet fitness. They're having the fucking alarm going off. Guys drinking out. Yeah.

I wonder, wait, so he would do it. They were both exercising. Like, he was both of, it was called exercising. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the problem. They needed to differentiate. Yeah.

One is working out. One is exercising. It's that simple. That's true. I'll tell them. What's their number? I'll call him. Now she's going to listen to this.

Be like, why would you tell people about this disabled kid? Did she ever exercise him? She was his personal trainer. Yeah. Yeah. She goes, you got one. more in you. One more. Push it. Push it. Push it. Push it. She's spotting him. Then. I'm not going to have a girlfriend after this. No, no way. How long I'll been together?

Six years. Nice. Nice. Yeah, we're on four and a half, I think. Man, I, I'm mad that, like, I figured out brunch right when I took my 30 days off drinking because I get it now. I'm like, it's really a bender because like you have Friday and you get drunk and then Saturday you get drunk and then the next morning you're like that wasn't enough for me. I want to keep going. Exactly. Then you kind of just hacky sack that hangover through to Monday.

Yeah, I feel like Sunday night after brunch is usually like smoke weed, watch Netflix, hang and then carry it over to Monday. The hard thing for me too is I quit doing pill. I'm prescribed Adderall and Kalanipin, which are like upper and downer and I just like stop taking them. But it's so annoying now because like that used to be my hangover thing. I'll be like, oh, I'll just take a

Kalanapin sleep. Really? Not like every time, but like, no, no, no. If I was hung over, I'll be like, okay, I'll just take a little bit of this and I'll fall asleep. Because it's very hard to fall asleep.

I feel like after drinking multiple nights and a row. I see, I don't really, I usually don't drink multiple nights in a row. I'm not a big booze guy. Yeah. Um,

I drank last night. I had some wine hangover is the worst. Like, it's so red wine hangover. Like cheap red, it's so bad. Yeah. I think I might like try to like go just back to beer for like,

when I'm drinking again. Yeah. Because I'm starting to it ends in the middle of the week, which is kind of annoying, but. Is it just, just February? Yeah, but February was 28 days. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay. Okay. I want to go back to you were on Adderall and Colanopin?

You were prescribed? I want to take them together. I'm still prescribed. Oh, you wouldn't take them to, okay. I would take Adderall during the day. Yeah. And then just kind of. And then it's like drink on top of that.

Yeah, that it's a lot. You're in great, like, mental condition for your, like, for what you've told me about your life. You're like sharp. It's odd. Yeah. I'm glad to hear it. Well, I mean, I have panic tax here in there, but like, you're finally like ending because like I stopped drinking, but I also stopped taking Kalanapen and the timeline's different. So like, I was actually going through what I realized now are Kalanapen withdrawals. And I was like, I don't feel at all better from drinking. I'm like, I'm having hallucinations. I'm sweating. That wasn't happening. But like I was like, I was having like chest, I was having all this anxiety. But yesterday,

I watched Suicide Squad. I enjoyed it. Really? It's a bad movie, but I'm a bad movie. Good for you though. Yeah. Yeah. But I was just, I was like, I think, finally it's like subsiding to the point where I'm like chilling. But I'm glad it's not as bad as like, so people have like full blown hallucination, seizures. I knew two friends who had seizures from Xanax quitting because a clone had been similar. And both of them had boners when they went to the hospital because I guess you

got to have a seizure and get a boner. Yeah. The doctor exercised that boner. But like apparently like the second time it happened, my one friend who's there for both of it was like, is there a thing where people get boners when they end up it's like every time. Yeah, the doctors probably answered that so many times. Like yes, they get boners.

Yes, it's very funny. That would be great if somebody had a round. out dysfunction and they just like had to like flash their eyes like a flashlight to like oh yeah just to give themselves a seizure there we go there we go they're past that all right jump on it yeah he goes you're gonna have to do most of the work I'm out I'm out I'm just gonna be spasic here just put my wallet in my mouth and go ahead oh my god yeah yeah it's a uh let me pull one of these for the girls Just pull a card.

Whenever we run out of things. Just pull a card. The first two weren't for girls. I know. And I know girls. Let's see. Whoever is most likely to leave a party 20. Me.

That's so me. The card is so me. I hate those kind of things. Whoever TikTok's the most? These are horrible. These are awful. This is for like the little girls. Like babies.

All right. Have you ever had two abortions in the same year? There we go. No, it says Rom-com Oh, I guess they're cards For each other If I had more than two

Does that count? Oh my god I'm glad I haven't had to deal with that Same I don't fuck Oh is that why? Yeah Well, so like

What is your So as a bisexual man Is it Do you go through like Faces of dudes And then girls Or is it like ever like a mix of both? I do I do go through phases

I'm in a phase of guys right now I really really can't explain it. It's sometimes I'll wake up and for... It's probably just... Okay. You guys are... It's because your podcast are two studs. No, it's phases. It's waves. It's also a person by person if I meet someone and I'm really

viving with them and they just happen to be a certain gender. I'm like, I guess that one right now because of that person. Yeah, you're not like... I'm not like girl face now. So yeah, yeah. No, but sometimes though, it is kind of like, I'm in a girl face. Like, even with the porn I watch, sometimes it's straight up gay porn. that's what happens to everybody, though, because I'll watch porn in, like, one kink, I'll be like, oh, this is what I'm

watching for this couple weeks, and then I'll get tired of it and I'm like, I'll go on to something else, yeah. Exactly, yeah. It's really weird. And I still haven't, like, pinned it down. It's all, it's changing all the time. Yeah. Well, because if I think the second you start watching one thing, you get tired, like, I've looked at boobs enough to the point where I don't like boobs sometimes. Yeah, I love boobs, but I'll

look at them for a while. I'm like, yeah. Fine, yeah. But I've tired of me, I, for a straight guy, I've watched so much gay porn. We haven't talked about this, Michael. Not like, not like I ever Google, but like, four straight guys,

I would Google image porn and then I would, during quarantine, I found out I was not bisexual because I would Google image porn and like gay porn and pop up and I'll be like, let's see.

Yeah, okay. And I would just click on it and I'll be like, now I know it's not. Sure. It's not for me, but it's interesting because before I took that leap,

I wouldn't know. And then I watched it for hours and hours and hours. I'm like, that's not for me. No, but it's one of those things where like,

I've seen a, enough of it on, because I, I'm very strict about how I watch porn and I Google image it every time. Because it's like, I like, because what happens is if you Google, okay, so how do you look up porn? So I usually do porn help, but my girl just sent me this website. It's female run and it's all, it's like very nice, healthy porn. Okay. So I just do that now. Just do videos. Whatever's around, just sex. Sounds like that would be hard to come to, but is it, I'm just kidding. I like, the weird thing, since we're on this topic, when I jerk off, I don't know if you guys have this, I can make myself come within

under a minute, but if I'm like with a partner, it takes so long. Oh, no. It's like reverse for me now. Really? Yeah. Like when I was first, I was wondering like the other day, I was like, why when I was like first hooking up with my girlfriend, I could go for like an hour, two hours. And I was like, oh, it's because I was

fucking shit-faced every eye. And now I'm sober, so I put it in and I'm just like, Gett. Like, done. And like, I feel bad, so I got to get a bunch of tools for it now. Sure, sure. You're on the hymns?

Do they sponsor you? Oh, no. Fuck, Hems. Yeah, yeah. Not yet, but we're looking out for you guys. We got you, Hymns. But what I was saying is the way I look up porn is I go on Google images and then I look

what I want. And sometimes, like, you, I'll be vague about it. So I'll look up Burnett takes big dick. Okay. And then what will happen is, because I didn't say Burnett girl takes big dick, gay porn show up. Sure. So my filter system is looser than other people's.

So I'm not saying I've watched like, hours of gay porn. But I'm saying like, it keeps coming across the thing. And then I'm like, I've like tested myself. I'm like, oh, this isn't. But it's like a reassuring thing. Not like I'm like, oh, it would suck to be gay, but it's reassuring to know more about yourself. Yeah, 100%. Because I think that some people are like, if it's a weird thought that I'm not used to, I'm not going to deal with it. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, that was our buddy last night. He's been dealing with that a lot. He took a tab. Oh, I think I know who you're talking about. Yeah. It took a tab and he just was freaking out and like having gay thoughts. And then you don't know what to do with

those thoughts. And it's like, it's much better to be like, I'll try it. And if not, cool. And Now I know. It's almost like when you're with someone, they're kind of ghosting you a little bit. And you're like, just reject me or accept me. Just give me that, you know what I mean, let me know how we feel about this. Yeah. It's better to know. When did you know you were by? Oh, eight years old, young. I mean, but I didn't know what it was. I was like, why am I into both? Like, this is, all my friends are just like tits and ass. I'm like, but that guy. Yeah. Tits ass and a half. Yeah. I came out when I was 18 to a really good friend of mine. And then came out again

and like when I moved to New York I was really private about it because I was like terrified and then I started to like be comfortable with it when I was like 1920 so. Yeah and then you're like yeah that's got to be so much better than like that is there's something like funny

but also painful about closet homosexuality to like watch somebody you're like because you just see because I don't understand because I have like a friend who's like I don't agree with it but if you have religious reasons for being events being gay I get it I don't agree with it but if you think God is telling you that but then the people who just have huge

issues. I don't know. Do you think that that's a thing because I don't know why people would have an issue with gay people unless religious reasons or they have a personal uncomfortable with their own thoughts. Because I think trans from people seeing like hot trans women. They're like, I can't. I can't. I'm thinking.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. I think it's internalized. I think it's usually the people who are the coolest with a section of people, whether it be trans or queer or whatever it is, are the people who they don't have those hateful thought or even those attractions to those people. So they see a drag queen or a trans

person and they go, oh cool, good for them. But then the people who would tear them up inside, they see it at that person, they go, oh my God, but I can't feel these feelings, but I am feeling those feelings. And then that stews and just creates like this hate, you know? Yeah, yeah. And I think there's a difference between that. And then like, I do understand weird like issues with like

M.M.A. fight. Like, that's a different conversation completely. Wait, what do you mean? Because there's arguments about like people that don't want trans women who have because it's not, yes. But I'm like, I don't think that's a transphobia that's from you being attracted. Like,

I think that's another thing. That's like a sports thing. Yeah, that's a truly related conversation. Yeah, it's like a technicality. But the people just randomly out of the blue they're like,

I don't like it's like, it's like, dude, my girlfriend wants to drag race and I'm like, you watch you, like, they're fucking hot. They're hot, dude. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm like, I want to watch it with some of my buddies just to fuck with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. but yeah no i i feel you with the uh a closeted uh gay person it is it's really sad i'm not i'm not and it's very real and sad but it can be funny in instances like i have a friend and i'm pretty sure he's gay but he's not out and he'll say things like we'll walk past a beautiful woman and he'll be like whoa beautiful woman and he'll be like yeah like i'd love to touch her boobs and we're like nope that's not it yeah yeah good guess but that wasn't like taking take another read That wasn't it. That wasn't the line.

And so that's the funny that he really, it would be like, oh, she's got the nicest legs. Like, I guess that one's better. It'd be funny, too,

if it was like something she didn't have. Yeah, yeah. Like, she's just like, I don't know why. That's a horrible thought. I just thought if she had breast cancer,

but I'm like, I don't know why that crossed my mind. But there's somebody like, like literally doesn't have boobs. And he's like, oh, yeah. Okay,

I guess not. Yeah. So it's funny in that way in the moment, but then you think, oh, God, they're probably torn up inside. Yeah.

You know? And there's so many reasons for it, too. The religious things, they feel attracted, the conditioning from family and friends where you grew up, there's so much. Yeah. Well, that's why I was thinking, like, it's so funny because some of the body positivity stuff, they're like, we need to make it socially normal for people to be attracted to thicker women, so people be more attracted to thicker women. But, like, I don't think society has ever dictated what I'm attracted to.

You know what I mean? Like, I think that, like, it should be the opposite. We should make it illegal to have sex with overweight girls. And then everybody. will protest it and then that will give the confidence to the thicker girls. Wow.

Wow. That's a great you should never say that again. This time, black guys will storm the capital. Oh my God. No, but yeah, I think it is because there's some weird thing

where like also I think that I was hearing some weird thing because like there's this thing with like religious conditioning where sometimes people will actually be more attracted to things that they're not told to by their religion. But I guess if you're, like, people will be more, like, there's this weird thing where, like, there's more incest in,

I don't know, that's, I don't know where I'm going with this. You're saying, like, if they're told it's not right, they're going to want to do it? Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. It's like a taboo thing. Incest is the biggest fetish. Because it's the first thing you're told, don't have sex people related to. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that was the first thing I was told to do. They're like, if you're going to fuck, it's your sister. We keep it in the family here. It's like underage drinking. If you're going to do it, you're going to do it at home. That's the funniest thing how none of the incest porn is ever southern accents. No, no. It's so weird.

It's like, come on. This happened. I love the acting. It's like, what's up? Oh, I saw a video the other day. This was the funniest thing. And I wish, okay, this, the video, there's this girl and a guy. And it's like stepbrother or whatever.

And she goes, oh, yeah, you're my brother. And then she realized she messed up. She goes, I mean, my stepbrother. It's like, good save. Good save. That is very funny. Yeah. So funny. Are they not allowed to say, brother?

I don't think they're allowed. Are you serious? No, I've watched tons where it's like, I'm your mom and you're my son. Really? Because I think step is just you, that's a step towards you admitting you want to watch themed porn. Because I know they're all actors. I'm like, there's no. That's a thing.

You know what I mean? So I'm like, I don't care if it's the step or real in the acting. I don't know. Because it's not real. None of it's real. Yeah. You can literally look like they have the porn source names and there's two different last names. So like they're not step.

I also, I don't think it should be. research. I looked them both up. It's their real names, too. Yeah. It's weird to you in the real name. Like Johnny Sims is a real name. It's just like John Smith.

Oh, really? It's like, David. I tried to get him on the podcast, but obviously. Did you really? Yeah. I mean, there's no way.

I'm going to know. No way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's like the top. Yeah.

He's sick. I don't think I know this guy. Johnny's Johnny Sims. You're about to learn. Strapped in brother. Shrap in brother. I hope you like, uh,

Dicks. Hope you, big fan. He looks like a penis, too. He looks like... Johnny Sen. I mean, maybe I've seen him. My brother met Ron Jeremy before he was accused of rape.

Yeah. Accused him. Yeah. And impressed Johnny Sims. I was... I don't think I've ever seen him before. With an N. I was saying Sims.

All right. Let's see. This is not him. This is going to do for Halloween. He's fun on, like, social media. Is he really? He saw a... there's a one song where it's like, how bizarre, how bizarre.

You know, it's not like, dint, d'n, I got to show you. It's like some girl getting stuck in like the drag. Oh, yes, yes, yeah. I love the stuck. Yeah. It's so funny. Let me see. They never explain how the sex gets them unstuck.

They never explain it. I don't usually, you know what I mean? Is it the sweat that builds up, they can grease, they can slip out? That would be a good scene is if he's like, if she had her hand stuck and he can fucking, came on her hand. It slips out, dude. We should direct porn. You know how many times I thought that?

I was like, you know what? I could make this better. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, this is an old song. That's fine. We should direct,

I don't know. I've known some people that have like, they always get into photography and like a month later they're just shooting people fuck. Yes. Oh my God. That happened.

I don't see it for. Well, he's always been a photography. He filmed some people. Steve sucked each other off. Steve Jensel. What? He's probably like, Oh,

Yeah, wow. I gotta get him on. He's like, scraps, get out there. Get out there. He does that? What?

Or he's done it before. Yeah, yeah. Who are you saying? You know, I mean, I have to say names. It's my, a guy used to work with.

It's not people fucking, but it's just straight up naked dudes. He's a really nice guy, but he was, like, doing shots of, like, just guys from, like, chest up, and there are beautiful pictures.

And then randomly, it's just like, look at this guy's ass. Yeah. It's like, whoa, transition. Yeah.

So, they happened at what time in college, into taking naked. But I remember one of our tutors. He had like stuff on his phone. And then he was like a biology tutor. And then it was just so funny because it was just like, it was like the most soft core gay porn ever that was just on his tablet.

He was like, oh, my mistake. I'm like, I never. Dropping a hint. I don't know my. Yeah, drop in a huge gun. I've never, uh, that. Oh, sorry. Did you see this?

Oh, my bad. Yeah. Oh, no. My background, I just has porn up there. Yeah. That's not like that extreme. He goes, I didn't mean for you to see this. Why don't you stay after class so we can talk about it.

Yeah. Oops. He's like pretending it's not. But I, um, the worst is I have a friend who, they just told me the story. One of them was, uh, connected to the Bluetooth speaker. Went in the other room, take a shower. Uh, he was just playing on the Bluetooth speaker while his other friend was just like sitting there. Yeah. Did you guys do, do volume with porn?

Yeah, I can't. You can't without. For a long time, I wasn't. Now I do. But, uh, yeah, for the longest time, I would just like have a movie on in the background. Yeah, yeah. Like a different movie? Yeah. Like, I would have like the department.

parted on of the best. You're a fucking cop. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a fucking cop. I mean, I'm not. Oh. Yeah.

What? I'm so departed right now. I've never seen the movie. We're all so departed. Yeah, baby. Oh, I'm so departed. Oh, yeah. I can't stand porn in another language that pisses me off.

Really? Yeah. Not even if there's subtitles. No. Bugs me. And that's the hard part is the weird porn is always in different languages. And you have to pay in euros. And that's why it's just...

You pay for porn? You do, right? Sometimes. Sometimes. That's fair. Like, I'll never pay specifically for somebody's subscription because that feels somewhat cheaty. It's not cheating, but I think my girl for one...

Like an only fan's you mean? Yeah, I would know. Okay. You have a girl. You couldn't. Yeah, yeah. But, like, I would pay, like, for a specific video on, like, a site. Or like, uh...

Or I'd pay for, like, a porn help, like, premium or something like that. Can I ask, what about the premium videos or a specific video that you would pay for makes it more worth it than just another video. It feels like you're... I'm trying to think I like best describe it. You're basically... Regular pornone feels like you have a boot on your car. I guess you can't go anywhere with a boot on car.

You can go somewhere. But it's kind of like you just... I don't know, there's proof premium. It's a little bit better. A little bit better. Not like significantly. My favorite is I bought somebody a browser's account and then I realized they spent like so much money

in their transitions and introductions. And then the videos are just regular. So, like, they have, like, a whole opening sequence with titles flashing in, different stuff. People really putting effort into that. Yeah, okay. Like, like, multiple, like, it looked like a music video almost for the first, like, four minutes. And then finally they start fucking. It's like, okay, it's just normal fucking, yeah.

Echoey house. Yeah. Always, like, the echoiest. Always echoiest house. It's always, like, empty, you know what I mean? Empty White House. Yes. Or, like, a Miami penthouse, like, apartment.

And it's also empty. I met some girl at a party out of being a porn star. And I guess she's, like, big now. Our doctor friends a apartment She's not fair She's buzzing Wait I want to Let's see this girl

But our doctor friends apartment would be a great place for porn It's like That is a porn place Yeah you can see the Empire State building You can see the Empire State building That'd be funny people from the Empire State Like pop binoculars

And just like looked into it I'm surprised more people don't do I bet you people Oh not her That's somebody getting arrested Probably for That's good Same thing

Not her I guess it's former Oldman County Accused of having sex this dude Nope not one of those but that's the girl. Yeah, I met her at a party one time and she was just like, yeah, no, I do porn. And then my buddy was like,

it was so funny because he was hanging out. He was trying to fuck her and like, just no success. Some guys can't do it. I've seen some of my friends try to fuck and I'm like, you are boshing this right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't spit game, but I can like do fine. You know, I can survive.

Yeah. But some of my friends are like, this is awful. This is abysmal. Yeah, my favorite is watching my friend try to hit on my girlfriend. Like, because comics, whenever I bring him out to a party, my girlfriend out, there'll be like the line of 10 dudes trying to talk to her.

I'm like, this is hilarious. You think she's just gonna drop what she's doing and you suck your dick. And they do though because comics are fucking weird. Yeah, yeah. I've never hit on your girlfriend, Michael. I appreciate that.

Yeah, dude. Levi hasn't met her, so. She's nice. She was really sweet. She's at my birthday and at the penthouse one night. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So nice. What's she doing later?

She's brunching with the home girls. Hell yeah. Yeah. They're gonna come back hammered. It's been so weird seeing my girlfriend hammered and realizing that like, I win every argument because I've been sober. And I'm like, oh, actually, I know exactly what we said.

I didn't have 10 drinks tonight. This is what happened. And then I'm like, I could finally. That's your victory. Yeah. But I'm going to start again, I think in two days. I don't know. I'm not going to, I said all these rules and plays for myself.

So I don't like black out as much. Okay. Like only beer. That's not like a permanent. Every roll. Every roll. You're like, well, that's loose. Yeah, yeah.

So, no, I'm telling you this what happens. I set these strict drinking rules. And then a couple years from now. out, I'm going to drink too much, and I'm going to go through the same thing. Sure. It's just like a nice check-in. Sure. But, no, it's just like, I can't drink too many nights in a row, so I can't drink more than two nights in a row.

Because I drink three nights and even if it's light drinking, my sleep cycle gets all fucked up. And then, yeah. I feel that. Yeah, that's good. I, like, I've never been fine. I've never, I never go to sleep, relaxed. The last second before I go to sleep every night is just a full panic attack and then it just stops.

And then I'll wake up the next day. I have the same thing. I have to push through that panic or just let it hit me. Yeah. nothing you can do about it. But yeah, I hardly go to sleep being like, oh, counting sheep, yes, tomorrow will be lovely. Like, I never.

It's always like, fuck, fuck, fuck. And then I pass out. Yeah. And that's the most annoying thing is when I have sleep trouble. And I used to prescribe colonopin and people used to be like, which like your drug, I got prescribed something called Therichael, which they like give to schizophrenics to put them out.

Hell yeah. Yeah. And I took it once. It was kind of fun because I took it and like your body just like is like fighting to stay awake. Yeah. Yeah. It's like not.

You know what I mean? You have to like fight. It's like a quailute almost. Yeah, it's crazy But like like it's in the next day So if I did stand the next day Because like also does something There's serotonin

I didn't give a fuck It was awesome I was doing the subway mic And I'm just like I don't give a shit about anything And I was just like fucking Rocking and roll And just like

Doing whatever bits Just talking about some shit And I'm just like I fucking let it rip on stage I just didn't care But then I was like I have no emotions right now And this is not like

How to do it But like it's just funny Because I take that Or I only took that once But then I was grabbed Kalanopin And then people are like Have you tried like The Conchopin

calm app. And I'm like, I'm drugging myself to Paul. So you think that hearing like Nick Offerman's voice is going to like just put me, I was like, no, it doesn't. I try meditation every now and then. I just get angry at the guy. I'm like, shut the fuck up, man. Don't tell me to be calm. Who are you? Just trying to fight him. Yeah.

Yeah. Is this a comedy? Do you talk about comedy on the podcast? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, yeah. It's funny to listen to what you did at the subway Mike because I saw another friend of ours kind of explode on stage recently. And it was really entertaining. Like, in a way of like, I don't give a fuck. This is off the top, like, this is what I'm saying. It was, it was funny because of the extreme, the severity of it.

She was so angry at the open mic and the comics that were there. And I love her death. You do, yeah. I was one of the people she was yelling at. I think so. Was it at Oscars mic? No, did she do it at Oscars mic too? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I got to get her on here. She's amazing. I've tried so hard to get female comics on here. Maybe they just don't want to come to my apartment. I think she'd be on a second. No, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah.

But it's kind of like where she just didn't give a fuck and I was like, wow, should there be a pinch of that and everyone stand up? Because we are getting very, like, robotic with it,

you know? And just like, even a riff that seems like riffy is still like, no, it's a riffy riff. Like, of course you'd make that.

Yeah, yeah. If you know what I mean. Of course, yeah. But I think also it's happening is, because I always see these like, the older comics.

Some of them are really good have that little bit of anger them. But it's so funny because you think they're like, oh, that's just who they were. You're like, no,

this world of comedy has beaten them down. This is where they've become. Yes, exactly. You think, I heard Bill Burry used to be like a one-liners guy. Really? Yeah, yeah. That's why you meet like older comics and like, oh, I remember when I was young and you're like, but we're 10 years. I was like, no, but you're younger.

Yeah, you haven't gone through the ringer. Yeah, where you're like, yeah, no, all this fucking blows. This sucks. And then you become this thing. And I think there are moments of it where I've seen some friends that are going through it. Yeah. Like some friends have been doing like seven years and I could see them. Yes.

It's bad right now. Yes. But I think it'll turn into something good. Because you see him now and they're just angry. They're like, this fucking sucks. All you guys are fucking gay. You guys are pussy. Whoa, what's going on?

But then you could see they're like, oh, okay, this will hopefully lead to something. Or they'll kill themselves. Or they'll either way. Yeah. Hopefully they'll kill themselves. Yeah, hopefully. The coolest thing, have you seen Rick Shapiro who stand up? No.

So he's this guy, he was the drug dealer and Project X. Oh, okay, yeah. But he got full-blown Parkinson's. Oh, no. And but he still will swing by mics and stuff. And it is the most inspiring thing. Really? Because I'll be like, I don't know what to do Mike.

I don't know his work. And he's like shaking on stage. Yeah. It's still like annihilating though. Like show. Maybe he's just really nervous. Yeah. After doing it like 20 years.

Yeah. He's like, I'm just nervous. No. He annihilates. He just kills. Yeah, but it's like full-blown

Parkinson's comedy. Okay. God, this is so hard not be offensive. What is Parkinson's comedy? Like, so Parkinson's is what is a shake? I know,

but what does the comedy of Parkinson's look like? Is it just all Parkinson's jokes? No, but it's like he's on. Like, no, I was just saying he has Parkinson's and he's doing comedy.

It's not. Oh, it's not. Okay. No, there's not like, not like a deaf jam, but for. Yeah, that's what people. It's not like when they do the, they do that. Yeah, it just presents. I wish someone could see that.

You guys good. Barkinson's comedy line up this year. Come in a TBS. It's literally just Michael J. Fox and Rick Shapiro. Yeah, yeah, just like, two hours long. It's two hours long. The camera, the camera's just changed. the whole

God, this is nauseating to watch. This is rough. They have it like, just like a, like a Blair witch shaky camera. They go to drink water

during the set and fucking wet. It's just spayed. The guy who put together he was like, this is disaster. I know what's disaster. Okay.

So he's going on stage and like, you just see him go, his notes, his hands are shaking, but like still like, and if you can see, like,

just getting, on the stage is hard for him. And when you see that, you're like, dude, fuck me when I'm being lazy about you. Like, this guy loves, it's like, I got goosebumps every time I've seen him do it because I'm like, this guy loves, he doesn't have to do this right now. He's not getting paid to do these open mics right now. He's got, you know what I mean? Like, I'm sure he gets paid gigs and stuff too, but to see

somebody that's like going through that much still do it, you're like, damn. That's, this person loves comedy. And I should love comedy as much as this person who's doing it for love comedy in there, yeah. 100%. Yeah, but I guess, I didn't know you could do this. He was saying he got it from doing like a bunch of coke and heroin.

I don't know you can get Parkinson's from doing a bunch of drugs. I think you have to do a lot of those drugs. You know, like everyone does heroin. Come on. Yeah. In little pieces. I mean,

everybody, every surgery you have, you're doing a little bit of heroin. I guess so, yeah. I've heard a lot of opiate people, um, talk about it that way and they're like,

oh yeah, they're like, it's not that much different. Yeah. Like it's better obviously to shoot up heroin that of course. But they're like, it's like it's like morphine oxies, like it's like,

um, and heroin. They're all very, Very similar. Yeah, because they say your body metabolizes it like the same, the similar way. Are they all opioids? Yeah. Yeah.

But then it's like, but then people compare meth and Adderall and it's like there's no difference. I'm like, there is a difference because meth is made in like. In a lab. Yeah. So is Adderall. But there's a difference because the people making Adderall are like meant. They're not somebody who's like putting other, like, because I guarantee you by meth. It's not just meth.

No, it's cut. And you're also smoking and orange. The same thing with like pure heroin apparently isn't that bad for you. But the big issue with it is the, it's a guy. other stuff you're injecting. But you can't, no one can get pure heroin. I mean,

that must be impossible. I'm sure it's hard. Yeah. Yeah. We had a, I had a guy when I was like a year in a comedy. He was a paraplegic.

He was an awful story. He was doing comedy. He was killing it. He was an awful storyteller. Yeah. It's a lot of beeps and boops. So he was on a balcony one night and he fell, broke his neck,

paraplegic, and he did a weekend at our club. And we had to help him, like he was headlining. He was doing an hour, two shows night, an hour, Friday, Saturday. We had to help him with the ramp.

and he could only move his neck up. And even that, it was tough. Not a very physical comic. Not a very physical comic. More of a prop comic. One prop. Electric wheelchair. Oh, he's using that as a prop.

There's just like horns and whistles and bells on it. I love a comic getting angry. They're like, he's, his whole acts about it. Talk about something else. Come on. And I got to do a guest spot. And he was a nicest guy. I still, we're still on social media together.

He's a kid and a wife and, and I have the same feeling where I go, if he's pushing through that to do comedy, I'm a fucking pussy. I'm a, I got to write every night. I got to go at every fucking venue, every mic, every show. Like, if he can do this. Yeah, then I'm being like, I'm being a asshole. Yeah, exactly. I've seen some, uh, some comics with, I know a couple wheelchair comics.

They're fucking, they're actually very funny. Yeah. Because their sense of humor is good because they, I feel like when you go through hard stuff, you get better at like, I've never met one. I'm sure there's some that get offended. by stuff. Most of them were like, they'd just get roasted by the hose,

and then they go shit on the hose. But it'd be like a fun, like you can tell. You can tell. You can tell when somebody's pretending. Yes. To like take, they're like,

oh, yeah, no, I'm not bothered by that, but really, they're like, God, fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's always, I love the mic and the mic stand for him.

And there's too high for him when I threw it. Oh, shit. Yeah. He's like, thanks, dick. Yeah. But I got up stage. She's like, I'm just fucking.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because he has to say something. Yeah, of course, yeah. Yeah, I threw the mic stater. I threw it and I said, go get it. Fetch.

It's a good luck headlining. Yeah. You don't belong. That's how you play the game, though. That's how you play the game. That's the grind. I think we're an hour and 12 minutes in, so we're a wrap up here. Where can they find you on social media, Charlie?

Oh, at Charlie's anglers. Because of like fishing. But yeah, follow me on Instagram at Charlie's anglers. And way too zesty TV. I put out some sketches with my friends. I love them very much. Wait, too, his SCTV, Instagram. Sweet.

Yeah, thanks. Appreciate it. And Levi? Cool. Instagram and Twitter at Levi the White. Nice. Simple enough. All right.

Levi Whites only? Yeah. Yeah. That was a horrible way to end. Anyway, white power. Thank you guys. All right.