Morning Good - InterventionCast - Episode 92

Episode Date: June 26, 2022

Thanks to this duo for coming on the show once again. This is the third time we've had them on as the two guests. Make sure to check them out and give them a follow to keep up with what they have going on.Lucas and former guest Nathan Orton have a podcast together called "Monkey Don't." Make sure to check that out and follow Lucas on Instagram @hinderloser for updates about the show and anything else he has coming up.Charlie Dawson is on Instagram @charliedogson so make sure to follow him as well as well as his podcast, @idiotscatalog, and sketch comedy channel, @waytoozesty.tv.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. Oh, there we go. Okay, now we're on. Now we're on. Now we're rolling. Is my mic good? Your mic's great.

Yes, my Michael good. Ooh. We're here with Charlie Don. Awesome. Hi. And Lucas. What's up? You fucking fucks.

Oh, coming in tents. Fuck this show. Yeah, fuck this show. If you're listening to the show, I hate you. My dad listens to the show.

Dad, I hate you. I hate Michael. I hate Michael's dad, too. You guys are both redheads, though. You guys should have some sort of like. I'm not a red head.

I like how he's sitting directly next to you and you're like, I'm not a red. Yeah, I was looking directly. Don't pin that on me. I might be your dad, though.

I could see it. Why are you holding the mic like a cigar bro. Because fucking mind your own business. What? Lucas is coming in. Lucas is hot. Lucas, how are you? Hell yeah. Do you want to talk about it?

Do you want to talk about anything to happen? Because last time we were on the pod, me and him together, I love the glass. Last time me and Lucas were on the pod together, I think we brought up some serious stuff. What do we talk about? By the way, yeah, this is, by the way, my mom, the beginning of every episode recently, like Joe Center was the last

episode, five seconds in, he talks about he was molested. And I was like, as a host of a podcast, he's got molested energy. Yeah. As a host, I was like, there are two ways we can go. And the way to do is you go, that's fucked up.

Now, what's going to be my angle on this? Where am I going to get? And it was very cool when you were making jokes about it, but it was, there's that little part of you that's like, all right, where? What's the tone we're setting for the rest of the episode? That happens a lot in, like, comedy. Like, I was doing a show in time, and I was like doing bad

crowdwork because that's what I do. And there's this girl in the front row. You can just call it crowdwork. Yeah. Well, when you're doing it. Ooh. Roasted. And, uh, fuck this show, dude.

I asked this girl in the front row. I was like, I was setting up a joke about my parents. And I said, hey, who here's got parents? Because I'm bad at comedy. And, uh, she was like, not anymore. And so I said what happened. And she told me that usually car crash. If both of them die.

It was a car. One car crash, one heart attack. but after she told me that, like I made it funny, thank God, but it was that moral dilemma of like, there's two ways I could go with this. I could sabotage my set

and be like, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to bring it up. Thank you very much for your time. Good night. Or I could try to make it funny. Thank God I made it funny. And then... What did you say?

I like, sorry, I was drunk that night that I was driving. No, I don't know. No, why? She was like, my mother had a stroke and my father died in a car crash.

I was like, oh, is your mom driving the car? that's very good that's very good and after the show my friend Adam came up to me and he was like hey man she's crying

and I was like fuck but this is the funniest this is the weirdest part is that she was crying so my friend Adam gave her a drink ticket and she stopped crying so I think she was just crying about not having money

for another drink I did anything I saw the best Her parents aren't even dead dude yeah yeah she's looking for more tricks dead to me they didn't give me money

they would always give me drink tickets my mom used to give me drink tickets dude the great's what I saw recently this is the funniest thing that's happened to me in comedy not really but fucking Nathan Order came out of his show

and he's like yeah I made some girl cry I was like okay that makes sense because of you I've seen him make multiple he's done that a lot but it was done

okay this is what he said though he says yeah this girl was heckling me and she had glasses on she cute girl glasses I was like he'd look like a porn librarian whose glasses are about to get come on them. Right?

It's just like, I mean, it's... I mean, it's not funny, but yeah. Maybe she cried because it's true. Once I saw her, I was like, he nailed it. Like, I normally be like, okay, maybe that was a good... But once I saw her, I was like, phenomenal riff. Maybe she just finished the scene. She was reliving the memories.

The nightmare of it. Yeah. She, and she comes up, she goes, can I vent to you? And I was like, she was, this guy in the comedy show, Sam, I look like a porn librarian whose glasses are about to get calmed on. I just, I could not help but just start ciggling because I was like,

that's such a funny thing to cry about. It really is. And then now her face is all wet and it looks like she has come on her face. If nothing else else, I was like compliment, though. Yeah, yeah. He's saying you're pretty. I can only come out of cry.

Yeah, she's very attractive. Like, you know what I mean? It's like, and you have glass, like you're an attractive person with glasses. You're going to get a porno. Charlie, I'm looking at you. You need to get a porno librarian. You know what I mean?

Especially like... I look like a skateboarder who likes to take bearings in places where they don't belong. Do you guys know what bearings are? I went for a deep skateboard reference there. No, no, I know. Barings are... They're not specific to skateboarding. No, I know.

There's bearings for... Let's tractors. Yeah. Anything with wheels, honestly. Yeah, good point. Also, isn't that a metaphor for, like, your life? Fidget spinners? Like, can't...

Aren't you... In a way, aren't you like, oh, these are my bearings. You're keeping me together. Well, bearings are... parents before they die in a car crash. They're a great invention because the wheel is one of the best inventions. And what bearings do is they allow wheels to rotate smoothly using

spheres. What kind of fucking podcast am I on right now? Yeah, so Lucas overdosed. Yeah, I'm trying to talk about anything else. You say what, you're done talking about it? This is the most uncomfortable couch I've ever sat on in my life. Well, I'm sorry. What the fuck is this place? It's a very nice apartment.

Yeah, I feel you're projecting a lot. I almost died on Tuesday. All right. Tell us about it. Oh, my God. You're going into the weirdest way about it. You're like, oh, yeah, I want to talk about it. I wish I would fucking die right now with this attitude. You want to sit in the chair? I've asked you to sit in the chair. We can switch spots right now.

Nah, do fuck your chair. All right. Did I sit in the chair? Yes, you can see the chair. Really? Yeah, yeah. We got to switch microphones, though. Thanks, Michael. All right.

Hey, welcome to Charlie Good. The Charlie. Hey, I'm on the chair. The Morning Dawson podcast. All right. Morning Dawson. So you did one. Walk us through what happened.

So first he got his ears, Pierce, and it was all downhill from here. Yeah, it sounds like it would be a, this is my midlife crisis. I don't know, man.

If you, at this rate, this is the end of your life crisis. Can I? Okay. Go ahead. No, I don't want to anymore.

I feel like you do. I feel like you want to, us to keep asking you. So you can go, no, I do want to, no, I don't want to. So tell us or don't. Did you die?

I have a friend that died twice. Yeah. If you die once, it's not as cool, I still have somebody who died twice. So Tuesday, I got a hold of some cocaine from a source that I've gone through multiple times. And at this point, I had like two beers. It's like 8 p.m.

And he gave me two bags, and I do some out of the first bag, and it burns my nostrils. Yeah, it's not a good sign. So I text him. I said, hey, man, what's up with this shit you gave me? It burns my nostrils. He's like, I don't know, dude, I haven't had any complaints. I've sold the shit out of this stuff. I'm like, all right, let me try the other bag.

By the way, also, when in history has a co-ke dealer ever said my bad? I don't think ever in the world of people say, like, it was very apologizing. Yeah, yeah. It was very apologetic. So, wait, you got two bags from him? Yeah, so I'm like, let me try the other bag. Maybe that one will be better. And I did two bumps out of that.

and then I walk out and I start hallucinating and I can't talk and I sit down. What are your visuals? I don't know, man. It was like I was in a fucking cartoon world. It was crazy. That's wild. Yeah. I couldn't talk properly.

I sit down at the bar and I tell my friend who I'm with. I'm like, hey, I think I just did fentanyl. And she's very concerned. She's like, oh, we should take you to the hospital. I'm like, nah, I think I just need to go to your place. She lived two blocks away. That's how he picks up women. Yeah, I think I'm on fentanyl.

Can I lay in your bed a little bit? Just go take a nap at your place and I'll be good. She's like, Lucas, if you fall asleep, you're going to die. I don't know if that's how it works, though. Is it like a concussion? Yeah, where you fall asleep. Yeah, but if your heart just stops. Two bumps of fentanyl.

Three bumps. Jesus, dude. And then I passed out at the bar and I woke up in the hospital. These two girls, I was with two of my friends or two, uh, two girls and they're very small and somehow they carried my fat ass to the hospital. Six blocks. When you're in the hospital, I have a few questions.

That's a very conveniently close hospital. It was. That is a new York City. I think there are a lot of hospitals. Yeah, we don't even need to say that. Yeah, there are a lot. Yeah, there's Beth Israel. There's Beth Israel.

You like naming things. You're like things on bearings. Yeah. Remember when I wrecked my motorcycle? That was a joke about how many Beth Israel's there are in New York. Oh, yeah. All Beth Israel. I'm all Sinai, too.

Yeah. Remember when I wrecked my motorcycle on your birthday? and there was a hospital like five minutes away. Yeah, we put you in an Uber. Did they carried you? They carried. They straight up like my arms. Oh, they're doing the Uber driver.

I could not see an Uber driver. I can see him like kicking you out and they're just driving away. He's like, give me five stars. Yeah, my leg was open, bleeding profusely. So we can't believe the Uber driver let us put him in a car. Yeah. That's got to be such a funny conversation where he's like, no, not on the seat. Like how does that?

It basically was, well, he was cool, but I think it would have been like. And not only not easily get a dick Uber. He's just not go with that. Well, not only not on the seat, but any Uber driver that's like, I don't want to be involved in any sort of legal thing. Legal. An ambulance is like $800. That Uber ride was like $10. This is the risk you run as an Uber driver, which I'm going to sound boring as fuck here.

But if you pick up someone who's injured in your Uber and then they get to the hospital and they claim the injury got worse or something in the Uber, then they can sue you. Oh, yeah, because he could easily be like, oh, it's such a bumpy ride. Exactly. Or like his car seat scratched my leg in it. Whatever it is. they can, it's like why you kick people off your property if they're like skateboarding or something. Yeah. And they're always kids.

They're like, why not? Because if you fall, you can, your parents consume me for like $100,000. Yeah. I was at the bar doing Coke, and then when I got into Uber, it turned to fentanyl. Are you some sort of fentanyl Jesus? Is that what's going on? Fentanyl Jesus is a sick rap name.

Yeah, dude. He's bad. Jesus? That's rad, dude. You can't hear a word to say. He's like, I don't know, I don't want to walk on water. That's like, he's catch the end of what he's saying

every time. He turns water to deadly powder. Oh, yeah. Water to fucking scissurp. Yeah. So one first hospital question. Did you still have illegal drugs on you in the hospital?

And did, like, police come? No. Legal. I gave them to... Well, You have immunity with that. Do you?

Yeah. I know some dude who, like, he, one of my friends, he was living with somebody who took a baseball bat and smashed everything in his apartment because he was having a psychotic break. And they had weed plants all in the apartment. like literally growing operations.

And the cops literally were like, well, can't do anything about this. I'll see you guys, yeah. Because it would be as they weren't there for the meat plants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's called. If there are any other race, say the cops would have been like, there's no weed plants here?

We can do something about that. Oh, yeah, yeah. So you're in the hospital. What happened? Well, I gave, so I gave the drugs to one of the other people. And they did that. They didn't go in the hospital with me, what my other friend did.

And yeah, I don't know. I don't remember going to the hospital. I just woke up in the hospital bed. They hit me with some narcane. I had a breathing tube in. Yeah. What did the doctors say? They're like, they're like, there's a Coke, right?

Like, I thought it was. Like, yeah, it was for sure fentanyl. They're like, yeah. And they know it was fentanyl because it was, like, in your system? Well, he's like, the doctor was like, we're going to do a piss analysis, but I'll tell you, when you do coke, your pupils are big. And when you do fentanyl, your pupils are small. Yeah, because it's no opiates. stimulants dial at your pupils.

Opies. And he was like, you had no pupils when you came in. Damn. So I had to piss so bad when I finally woke up. And they're like, cool, we'll do this urine analysis. When you're going to go to the bathroom, where you're like, yo, could I get that bag, though? So I had to piss so bad, I'd go on the bathroom. You didn't pitch yourself.

I'm surprised when you overdose you didn't pee yourself. Because I feel, I'm surprised they're just sponging it out of like the blanket into like a cup. Yeah, I don't know. Is it, is it? This is not dumb. Is it an overdose if you do too much fentanyl or is it just you did fentanyl? My paperwork says overdose. Okay.

Wait, did you die though? No. Oh, okay. Yeah. Once again, my buddy died twice. Yeah. I'm a huge, pussy.

Yeah, because you, I guess you blacked out. It still is an overdose because you took more than you were dosed the amount, right? Yeah. I think, you know, I think fentanyl, I mean, there is a certain amount you did. You didn't overdose. You were overdosed. You were overdosed.

Somebody overdosed you. Yeah. Yeah. Fennell, you can do like a certain amount. I mean, it's a prescribed drug for a tiny, tiny, so it is an overdose. Yeah. That's so scary, man. And now, I mean, I don't know how much you want to talk about it, but like, you've talked about it.

Can I finish this piss story? Okay, yeah, sure. So I go to the bathroom and I have this piss cup and I have to piss so bad. And I'm holding it over the toilet and I go to piss in the cup and the stream comes out so fucking ferocious. It knocks the cup out of my hand. into the toilet. It looks like a gondola floating in the toilet. So I'm like, this will still work.

So I just scoop some of the piss water up out of the toilet. And I put the cap on and I give it to the doctors. And they tested it and they came back and like, what the fuck did you do tonight? I'm like, what are you talking about? They're like, this shit's, your piss is disgusting. And I'm like, oh, that's toilet water. Your piss smells like shit.

There's like a turd floating into the piss. What did you do tonight? Did you snort? Do you snort? Yeah. I pride. I don't know, man. I got after it.

They're like, this is inconclusive. This is inclusive? Inconclusive. Well, that makes sense if it's a watered down urine sample. I used to do that. My parents used to drug test me

and I would put water in it all the time. But that would actually work. Wait, really? Yeah. Is my mic on? Yeah, yeah, your mic's on. Oh, is it? Yeah.

Yeah. It's right here. I just wasn't getting that many lapsoles and show. Yell? Yeah. Yeah. Lucas, keep going with you.

Whatever. That's it. Yeah, yeah. No, we're, I promise. So wait. So then, no,

you said it was inconclusive and they did a second test. No, they told me to just go, they're like, you still got that shit? I'm like, yeah. And they're like,

just go home and test it. Did you? Yeah. Did you? Yeah. With what? With a fucking fentanyl test. What does it?

it look like? I don't think you did. I don't think you tested it when you go home. It's a fucking piece of paper. Where'd you get it? Dwayne Reed. All right, I believe you. You fucking bitch.

Yeah, I have it's the thing that doesn't work though. I mean, you just, you just, you just don't work anymore. Like, you gotta like, unless you test it for fentanyl. And the only thing you do is the Blonase. So like, the problem with fentanyl. Blonase, it's made by Oscar Meyer.

Uh, goes on a sandwich, with cheese. My bolognaz has a first name. I don't know why it took me a second to figure that out. So the problem with testing fentanyl is it's called the cookie chip chocolate chip effect. So you could test a little bit of a bag and there'll still be little specks of fentany on the other half of the bag. Yeah. So you have to get the whole.

So for Mali, it's very easy because you put the Mali in a shock glass, then put water in the shock glass, test the whole thing for fentanyl and then take that shot. Oh, and it still works. Yeah. Yeah. You can't. Right. Unless you do Blonaises, which when you put it in a container full of flonase, and you can snort liquid cocaine. Oh, I just fucked you.

Yeah. But I don't do cocaine more because of the panic attacks, but I miss the whole fentanyl era of Coke. Yeah, it's bad. I remember doing blow with you. So. When did you do blow with me? Oh, yeah. That was the last time I did coke.

Wait, Halloween, two years ago? Yeah, yeah, that was the last time I did coke. Yeah. Well, cool. Yeah, yeah. I think I, yeah, yeah, good time. I think I snorted Adderall, too. Yeah, it was a...

Oh, we went. hard on that night. Yeah, I played poker. What happened to me? I don't do anything anymore. I'm so sad now. Same, dude. Same.

I'm so fucking depressed. I was at a party last night. It was a pretty good. Yeah? Yeah. Okay. You, uh, you... By the way, everybody listening that's saying, please have a concern conversation,

Lucas. We'll have that off there. Yeah, well, this is... I did cocaine last night. You did cocaine last night. You did cocaine last night. Wait, wait, can we talk about that? He did cocaine last night.

I know. Not only did I do it last night. I'm sorry, do you know. I did it the day I got out of the hospital. I know, I know. I just don't want to have an intervention cast. You know what I mean? We'll do the intervention cast.

Try it, bitches. All right, what's up, you fucking bitches? We got some funny jokes. Yeah, intervene me, motherfuckers. I did cocaine the day I got out of the hospital. All right, this is, now it's sad. That's why I don't want to do intervention cast. I'm a fucking legend.

All right, all right, we know you're a legend. Yeah, yeah, you're a, yeah. you're a legend. There's no camera. What are you looking at? Yeah. I'm a fucking. That phone is FaceTiming with your family.

They're all on the line. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. God. He's just like, we got a good luck. My mom's dead.

Good luck, dude. Yeah, definitely not going to get any mention there. Yeah. Well, I was at this party last night, dude, and I like, I don't drink or do anything anymore. And I,

someone was talking about how I'm doing. And I was like, you know, I've been kind of sad lately. Been in my feelings a lot. Just staying home. lot and they were like, yeah, good to see you, man. Yeah, yeah. I was like, fuck, I'm sad now, dude. I pulled the same shit at a party last, same

party. Oh yeah, same party. Some guy came up to me. I think it was, uh, mine was, well, who was yours? Kiwi. No, I love Kiwi. No, mine was key. No, mine was like, shut out Kiwi as well, he's getting hit, left or right, because he has me, I was, because I cried on the floor about my dead friend yesterday. Yeah. Just happened, you know, I was just like, just hit me. And, uh, and then he's like, how you doing? And I was like, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm like, all right, well, now I'll tell you how I'm doing it. I'm kind of. I'm kind of out of my friend dying and never coming back. And then he's just like, oh,

okay, yeah, well, anyways, good seeing. I was like, well, don't be one of those guys who's like, give me a real. Yeah, you kind of set you up for that, you know? Right. Be real with me and you're real with them. They're like, whoa, dude. You're like, no, there's no whoa, dude. You wanted this. Yeah, yeah, you asked for this. And it's also like... Sounds like a great party. I wasn't invited to.

I was invited either. I showed up, dude. 100%? I 100% showed up to the party. Really? I love that move. Yeah, yeah. I did that one time and then the person invited me to the next one. And I was like, that worked out way better than I expected to. Oh, yeah. But also like when it is a comics party, it's like pretty like you just show up. Yeah, yeah. I had a birthday.

Whose fucking party was this? I had a birthday party in October and I invited like maybe 20 folks and like none of, I was very grateful for this. Like 50 showed up. Really grateful. I have a lot of really good friends. And at first I felt bad about it and I thought like, no, that's just how these things go. You invite a

certain amount of people and then people show up. I have everyone who showed up that I didn't invite. We were cool. I was just like, oh, I didn't even think about I didn't even think about it. Yeah. Oh, especially a comic thing. It's like last show. I remember. Dude, especially when the stand has things. Yeah,

like that chick had her birthday party there like a couple nights ago and like 80 people show up. She didn't know all those comics. But it's like if it's at, especially if it's at a performance venue, you're like, all right, I would go watch a show here.

I know this person and they're having their birthday here. Yeah, I'll go hang out. Yeah, it's one thing if it's like a private someone's apartment you show up. Yeah, that's different. I would have done that. I wouldn't either because that's embating someone's space.

But like if it's like, yeah, if it's at a club, just go. Yeah, I also know the person and they've done my, You know what I'm like? They've, they've hung out with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this your first time,

this is your first time, getting hit with Fenton all right? Yes. Hell yeah, so I was at this, this party last time. So much fun, dude. I mean, it's in everything, bro, the Shamrock shake, the McGrittle.

You're not safe anywhere, dude. Yeah, you're really not. Dude, can I say, can I, speaking of food? Okay, I, groceries stores in New York, you got to be really careful which ones you go to. Because I, I'm a Trader Joe's fan. I love Trader Joe's.

I always get what I need there. Every now and then, like, they don't have Cape Cod potato chips. I love Cape Cod. So, like you go somewhere else for those. But I went to Fairway the other night. I live on the Upper West Side, and I went to Fairway. I like how you put your mic down because you know you don't have anything to say. I'm so sorry.

I went to Fairway the other night and I spent... Happy to be alive, guys. We're happy. I am very happy. Yes, very grateful. Even though I didn't find out about it. That fucked me up. So I went to Fairway the other night.

I spent $70. I got home. I looked at. spoiled fruit, cookies that were dog shit, and, like, overpriced oatmeal. Dude, I could spend $70 at Trader Joe's, and I get a fucking table and bottle service there. And the dude, the wine will suck your penis. Yes, dude. They do so much shit there.

So much. It's so cheap. I feel, I feel tricked. I went to Fairway expecting a genuine, like a genuine, because Faraway is the mainstream grocery store. Trader Joe's is all Trader Joe's stuff. I expected a mainstream experience. All I got was dog shit produce, awful cookies. why even why go to fairway

bro and here's the thing Fairway is always packed it's I don't Gristides too awful More like unfair way No actually I'd rather not Um Dude I had an annoying interaction

Trader Joe's recently There was like a woman working there Yeah And there's a cute dog And we go to pet the dog Yeah sure Just like some customer had a dog Oh customer okay

And the woman goes I don't like that dog She goes That woman lets that dog Piss in the store every day And I you know And I yell And I yell at her.

And she goes, and I yell at her. And I'm the bad guy, right? He goes, guess what? Black girls yell at there. They're not going to get in trouble. She goes, the black coworkers yell at her. I'm going to get in trouble because I'm white. And I'm like, I'm literally just trying to get these mozzarella sticks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want this flaxseed. All I want is flaxseed. Let me get out of here. Please don't bring me into a race-based conversation in the Trader Joe's line. Yeah. How did this escalate? I don't even know your fucking name.

That's so funny. I was getting dinner with an old friend of my. He's like old. I don't know why I have old friends, but he's like in the 70s. Yeah, in the 70s. And he was, we were talking about, uh, this was like two years ago. Like right when all the, why are you hanging out with 70 year olds? Because I'm, because I'm legit.

That sounds fun. They probably have way better stories. He's a lot of stories. Yeah. He's a great guy. And, but he, does he hate what's going on right now? Well, that's what he said. So he goes, uh, we were talking about, this was like two years ago.

So when all the protests were happening, a lot of BLM stuff. And he was like, you know, he was like complaining about the BLM stuff in New York. And I was like, I did not think this guy. would be on, because he's a very open-hearted, very nice, sweet guy, and he was like, Auntie B-L-M, and then he goes, well, my son's a cop. And I was like, oh, I see. So there's kind of some family things going on there. But it was still one of those things, it was still one of those things of like, we could have just gotten lunch. You know what I mean? We didn't need to do all. We could have just gotten lunch. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, those conversations are

fucking tough because it's also like, I don't, I don't know where it's like, like, I don't hate all cops, but I think a lot of cops are racist. You know what I mean? It's like, there's, There's a million different. There's so many. Yeah, yeah. And for us to even talk about cops, like you... This is such a...

I don't know what's worse. Talking about overdosing or cops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Both are pretty... What if the cops overdose? That would be funny if he's like... You know how they used to do that thing where they used to leave it to see his cocaine?

It's immediately overdosed. The cop, like, I wonder if there's every bit of cop that's just gone like, let's see. This is, uh, cocaine, maybe, and just fucking ODs on Fed all right there. It's pure. It's pure. It's pure. Yeah. That cop's a...

fucking dumb ass. That was crazy to me, but I didn't realize until you how crazy it is. The cops would maybe just in movies, but test drugs on themselves? Oh yeah. You're doing drugs, bro. What the fuck? Yeah, that's cocaine. They knew the, uh, the what's it called the... No, I gotta try it again. I'm not sure.

Suppository. Just crushing up some oxy god. Warm paper towel, he's just... Six hours later, he goes, yeah, that's oxy. That's oxy. Yeah, that's oxy. The weirdest about this acid right now. The weirdest thing about opiates is that they make you constipated.

They do. Yeah. Because you just don't give a shit when you're on. Because you just don't give a shit. Folks. I wish I fucking died. It's just after hearing that live. So the line that I did there was so opiates make you relaxed.

And so don't give a shit. It's a double meaning because you're also constipated. What is the fuck. I like that we have such a different clash of personalities here. Yeah. It's good to see you guys. You're silly goose Charlie still. Silly goose Charlie.

But we, I'm looking at Lucas like he's been through battle. Yo, I've lived a tough life. Yeah. But I'm rich as fuck, so who cares? Are you? Yeah, how much money is in your bank account?

You want to know? Sure, if it'll get you out of everything else you're saying. Yeah, that is fucking great. Can I guess what you're worth? I bet you have 40K in your bank account. You didn't work. with nothing unless you got family. You got nothing without your health, bro.

Yeah. My mom's tip. I know. That's why I said it. Um, it's just less than that, but I got money. I love when someone overestimates it.

You're like, Emmerch is fuck 40K, and less than that. Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm about to finally have a job. I'm on my fifth job interview for this company. Whoa.

Which is crazy. And I was like, now if they fired me for the podcast, you guys interviewed me five times. Yeah, fuck you. You should tell them about the podcast. podcast, like, it's like a felony on your record? You should be like, I just want to be upfront with you. I thought about that, but I don't think it's going to be. What's the job, Michael?

I don't want to get too into it, but it's doing nothing for nobody. Cool. Beautiful. That's a perfect job, dude. Yeah, I'm selling Coke. It's cut with that. I'm so. Yeah. I fantasize about working in the corner of a warehouse doing a job that doesn't exist anymore and just dying there. Oh, yeah. What job doesn't exist anymore? Like something like, okay, say I work at a, like a factory that creates leather and they need someone to test the leather, except they got rid of the position 10 years ago and they forgot about me. So I just sit on the corner, play Candy Crush for eight hours a day and go

like that's a week, that's when this fan is still on the payroll. I know somebody who has had that happen. Do you know what I mean? I know somebody who they were talking about, maybe it wasn't a real story, but maybe they didn't, maybe it wasn't even a person. Yeah, maybe I was hallucinating because I'm out of my fucking mind. But no, it was

he was saying that his cousin works for a company and basically they merged companies and they, he's still on payroll. Yeah. But they, he's He's like, I'm 95% sure they do not know that my position exists. That's incredible. It's like in the office when like, you know the annex, the show, the office of annex is like that back area with Kelly and Ryan.

I always want to work in the annex and just play video games back there all day. Oh, yeah. That's such a dream. I worked one of my best jobs. I did like a data entry thing where, I mean, both data and jobs have been pretty sick. But I worked one where that entry? Dad entry. Yes.

When I fuck your dad. Yes. You play Candy Crush? I've never played Candy Crush. But if I was at all. You said it as an example, like you do it. If I was at a job. like that, I would pick up.

He wanted, he wanted to use it. He plays the sex games on Pornhub. Go, yeah. Try not to come. He's like, yeah. I'm a big gamer. I lost again. Yeah.

Don't jerk off to you play this game. Just get angry. Like, fuck! I keep losing. I keep jerking off. Oh, Frank's so hard not to come. I'm never good. I'm not good at this.

What's your go-to phone game? I'm not going to be a game. Settlers of Catan against other people online. Oh, word. I love it so much. I play a lot. I'm really good. Can you, can you, can you know what they need for those?

You know how Xbox has the headset So you can yell slurs at children? Yeah I mean, that's what that was invented for. I'm not saying I do it. I yell other things at children. Like what? Hey, what's up?

Like, what's the fuck? Yeah, exactly. ASL. Yeah. But where do you live? They should have... No one is really on the nose, bro. Where do you live?

I want to have sex with you. Hey, bro. Hide in plain sight, you know? You're like, I like to be as upfront as possible. Okay? I don't waste some time. but like you know how they have those they should have headsets like that

for when you're playing online with phone games with people so you're just playing solitary you're like take that you fucking bitch well I play Catan if for you guys do you guys know a Settlers of Catan no dude I fuck girls All right Sellers of Catan is like a board game

I play online And I'm bored You'd Jesus Christ I'm sorry I'm sorry You would think the board game attracts Like nerdy people but I'll make a move. I'll build a road

and block someone off strategically in the game. And then there's a message pops up and it's like, you fucking dirty piece of shit, I hope you die. I'm like, oh my God.

That happens all there. On the game. Yeah, and it literally, it's so funny because it's not like in Cold Duty where you're like

slaughtering people. It's like, I'll build a settlement on wood. On a resource wood. And someone's like, I hope your mother fucking burns alive. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. That's pretty funny. That's good. That's good. I'm back. There we go. Hey.

From we go. You're back. There we go. We have a little more energy out of you now. I just immediately loses it. I like this game, Plants versus Zombies. You ever play that? I liked that a lot when I was a kid.

Yeah. Before I grew up. Yeah. Now I play Settlers of Catan. Oh, wait. The one thing I wanted to talk about, the fucking, okay, this is weird. The joke. Yeah, I'd nothing more to say about plants versus zombies.

I really don't care what you have to say about. Continue. Apparently, the new Joker movie is gonna be a musical. And it's like, it's like, not even like a, like a joke rumor,

like, which is the most joker mindset. I love that Todd Phillips is like, he's like, we need chaos. Which one did Todd Phillips do? The last one. The last one.

Okay. All right. Which was fine. The Joker two, impractical joke. Yeah. Go ahead and shoot that guy in the face. Is that a Hamilton as Jokelton?

I like that one. I like that one. I like it. Isn't one of the impractical jokers out? Like, he's not, what happened? He got, uh,

me too. He got, uh, I don't know what happened. You're saying this like you're part of his PR team. Why are you getting so nervous saying this? He, I was trying to make a joke about,

did not rape a chick. I was trying to make a joke about how the show is like shit, but it's like, it's a fine shot. I don't know what I think it's fine. I think it's, dude, when I watch,

I thought, we watched that in prison a lot. They would put that on. Oh, impractical jokers? That's a lame. Yeah, he'll throw out a piece of information that leads you to want to ask more.

And then you ask more anybody, I don't want to talk about being in prison. That's cool. Yeah. So he has sexual misconduct allegations or something? I don't know. Let me look it up. You guys keep talking about to look it up. Sorry, Michael.

You'll just have to talk to yourself for this. That's fine. We're both looking it up. No, look it up. My phone's off. You look it up. My phone's off. Let's both look it up.

All right. You look it up. I'll talk to you about this. Yeah, okay. I'm just not here. All right. Just act like a. overdone.

One of them is a cuck, apparently. I heard there's like the online community dogs. That's fun. Look it up. I have nothing wrong with it. I don't think that would destroy the movie. Oh,

wait, the Joker? No, no, no, no, no. Oh, one of the impactful jokers is a cup. I'm going to make my wife's pussy get filled with it. I don't even know how.

Do you know how I got these scars? Watching people fuck? Yeah, yeah, it's a weird way to get scars, yeah, yeah. You're going to make your dick disappear in my wife's pussy. Joe Godo. Joe Gato, he was the guy

I know, Joe, yeah. I would love to those creative differences. He's like, I wanted to do a prank where we put spaghetti in Sal's pants and it falls out, but nobody thinks that's funny. They want to use linguine. I want you angel hair.

All it says is personal reasons in my life. That's fine. His personal reason is he was a... Never mind. Personal pussy. Yeah, that's fucking bitch. Hell yeah, Michael Good.

I'll fight every member of the impractical jokers. Come. I love how. like they're comics in New York. I'm like, I will. My buddy, dude, I love him to death. But when COVID hit, he had a podcast. And I was like, maybe I'll give this a list.

There's nothing else too. First line of the podcast, he goes, I'm not scared of COVID. I'll fight COVID. I'm not going to listen to one more word of this podcast. I do love. You think you would love him, though. That's where you and I differ.

Because I'm attracted to that kind of behavior. I love that. For me, I'm like, that's not poetic and deep enough. Like, I'm such a fucking con. You know, I'm just like, that's not clever. enough for me. I'm so the, I'm such a level of trash. Like, I fucking love just trash

garbage. It's like, yeah. One of my favorite things. His wife divorced him. I'm just looking, still looking this. I assume he's the one that got cucked. Yeah, right? Wait, is this true? The cuck thing is true. So I heard somebody on a podcast, a different podcast was talking about how one of them likes to get cucked. It's an impractical

Joker's podcast. They break it down. His wife gets fucked. It's a hidden camera podcast. He goes, he's like, oh, we're going to play prank on Sal. He's like, go to fuck his wife. Oh, what's that? He's going to see the other man's coming there. Oh, I got you. He's in the closet.

Ah, your wife's getting banged. Oh, it's so good. What a good point. Johnny Knoxville runs in. Yeah, yeah. Rushes into both of them. I'm gonna, yeah, his. Wait, what's your bed? Hey, I.

Have you ever heard Johnny Knoxville talk? I'm Johnny Knoxville. Hey! I'm so bad at boys. Steveo is like, no, I can't. That's not. That's just a little more like this. Yeah, dude.

Dude, I've been watching the new jackasses because I'm like bored at home. And it's so funny because I started at one and went all the way to the newest one, which is four. And these guys are like raging alcoholics and jar addicts. And so the first movies are like super entertaining because they're drunk and high the whole time. Yeah, you know the high. Sober. Yeah. Yeah.

They're all sober. And it's just sad. Like they're lining up to get their balls smashed by a dog. And they're all just like, yeah, I'm, I'm Aaron. Can't wait to do this. Can't wait to do. And you can tell they're just there because they ran out of money. So they have to like Preston the big guy.

I've opened up for him on these. You just, pause. You opened up for a man. Hey, yo. That's gay. Dude. Fuck this show.

I'll open up for a female comedy. He's progressive and homophobic. What a mix. But yeah, this guy, Preston, like, I saw the opening of the fourth movie. They're, like, jumping a motorcycle over him. And every time the motorcycle hits him, he's just like, ah.

He's just mad about it. He just does not want to be there. And then in the credits, it thinks, it's like, thank you, special thanks to, like, sobriety. And it's like, oh, dude, these guys were raging. Well, I refuse to watch the new one without Bam Margera. Well, he's in it for two. You see, you see that clip. Yeah, you see him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so awkward because they do a prank. And then you just see his face on the ground. Like, he was in the marching band prank. Yes, yes. Or not prank, but, like, stunt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's out for the rest.

Apparently, Jeff Germain is, like, a tough, tough producer. That's so funny. He's like, you're not getting hitting the ball. is hard enough. Okay, this is art. You need to really... You call that a shit? No, no, no, no. You're gonna eat more Mexican food. That poop is gonna come out of that volcano. Stronger than ever.

See that pair of shoes right there? Where? On the light post? Yeah, that means there's a drug dealer town, isn't it? No, that doesn't mean anything anymore. It didn't really. I used to. Are those easies? That would be awesome. It's a pair of easies.

Great job. Pointing out something on audio media. The camera's pointed away in the camera over to the fucking shoes. In this room and I can't even see it. There's a whole pan. No, there's no pan. The cameras pointed at us.

Those are definitely not easy. Those are like shitty. Yeah, they can't see it. Those are like orphan shoes. Yeah. Those are like, those are like Porch shoes. Somebody kidnapped a kid and then threw his shoes up there so there's no evidence.

And that's what's just lingering in front of my eyes. No, they do the whole kid up there and the shoes got stuck and the kid fell. Yeah, he's like, all right. It works out for me. You know how cats always land on their feet. Orphans always land on their feet. I can't wait to walk out of your apartment. Just see some dude with no shoes looking on the ground.

Yeah. He doesn't realize they're right above him. Yeah, he's like, where the fuck are these? What a nasty day outside today. Oh, yeah. It's really nice earlier. Or beautiful day. They don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, it's fucking sick right now. Sick, nasty sun is out. Yeah. So the new Joker is going to be a me. That's, that's going to be. But that is kind of chaotic. It's cool.

Or it'll be like just, but I kind of like in them being like, you know, it's going to be chaotic? We're going to do the worst movie ever. And then we're going to put Jared Letto in it again. Is it? No, no, no. I never saw any of the jokes.

That's why he talked like. How I got these scars. My father was a drinker. I don't know any other Joker lines. You made fun of me, Murray. That's not even from the Joker. And then he got motherfuckin' fucking. It's from the joke.

What's up, bitch. It's your motherfucking Geraldello Joker. He got a grin in his mouth. He thinks he black, but he's pale. That's my favorite just thing in the world. Also, I love how, didn't they be release Morbius like twice because it's so bad. Because there was a Reddit trend that was like,

no, we were all out of town. We didn't see it. Yeah. I believed it. Wait, really? I think so. I think so. Dude, such a bad.

I was talking to my buddy and I was like, I think I might, I told him I think I might go see Morbius just to laugh at it. And this fuck is Morbius. I like how you just put a screeching halt on everything. So it's a vampire. Yeah, it's a Marvel, uh, villain movie. Do you guys ever try getting pussy once in your life? You try not dying once in your life?

Yeah. Dude, I'm convinced... It's a vampire. You know what that is? If somebody dies and comes back to life, that's relatable for you, isn't it? I'm convinced I can't die.

Truly. I've survived so much shit. I think I'm invincible at this point. That's what everybody says before they die. Bro, you have no... What's up? I'm Johnny Knoxville.

I'm convinced I can't die. Have you been shot? Yeah, I have friends have been shot and they're not like, oh, I guess I can't get shot again. It's like they're like, maybe I should avoid playing with guns. I mean, look, I've wrecked motorcycles

going 130 miles an hour, got up and walked away. I fucking OD'd. I've ODed like three times on three different things. Wait, have you? Yeah. Did you do on the first two? I don't know that. By the way, once again, for the concerned audiences, we will talk to him about this afterwards.

But this is the silly pot. The first one was cough syrup in high school. Oh, yeah. I had lean one time, and it was so good. Was it lean or Dexter Mithorfen? It was Robitusson, yeah. Okay, so that's the XM, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you got to take it? I drank a whole ass bottle to the dome. I'm surprised

that, did that because I took, I think, I think it was like the equivalency to 25 mucinex. Whoa. To get fucked up? Yeah, yeah. How clear with your sinuses,

though? Not that good. I was itchy and shit. That's the problem is that DXM you get itchy from it because it's got like a bunch of Tylenol in it too. Oh, yeah.

So when your liver's, uh, taking it off. Yes, yes, that's what's happening. Your feet are disgusting. Dude,

you're this. Here's a meanest person I've ever met. You look like a fucking hobby. His feet look better than your face. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Second thing I owed

I remember Spice K2. Yeah, you did Spice. That's like, fuck, yeah. That people always said that was like part of the high though. Like, he should be having a seizure and they're like, dude, embrace it. Lead into it. Yeah. And the third one was, I can't die.

Yes, audience, we are going to talk to them. Audience of Michael's next bosses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See if it works. Talk to me. You're really nihilistic right now. Yeah. Fuck this place. You know what I hope?

I talked to my, I was talking to my buddy, and I was like, this is the biggest insults I think a movie can get. So I was on my buddy and I was like, I think I'm going to go see Morbius just to laugh at it. And he goes, bro, it's not even that kind of bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He said it's the type of bad where it's just like not like you're just checked out. Yeah, yeah, it is. I will agree with that. Like, even like I watched, remember there was a movie called the something about the killer leprecons.

I think it was called the killer leprecons. Leopercocon, the lepercon. And it was so bad that you can laugh at it. But Morbius is just like worse than that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was genuinely that bad. And it was like, there was like the occasional thing. You're like, I guess that's funny that they made that poor choice in making this movie. But it's not like objectively. Like I went to Sonic 2 twice in theaters. It was a good one those where you laugh at it. Me and my comic friend went. The first time we went there were a few people in theaters. We got out to be quiet. Second time we went. It was a time square AMC midnight showing of Sonic 2 on a Wednesday night. So there's no one in the theater. And we just roasted it the whole time. It was so much. My buddy went to go see Jurassic Park. And it's. so it's such a good movie. The new one?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I haven't seen it yet. Is it good? Very okay. I was talking about it's a lot of... Yeah, yeah. 3D. It's 3D.

Are theaters open again? Dude, are you... Where have you been? How much drugs have you been? You didn't know that movie theaters? They don't even have to do it for like two years now. Dude, why do they exist? You don't even have to do masks in them, but I do.

Yeah, my listeners are big... Yeah, a big liberal listener. Yeah. Well, I like, I like, we got a wide variety. But I don't think I'm going to be met. They're not that part where there. I take out my mask in the theater to eat one piece of candy for the hours. And then you put it back on.

Popcorn between each popcorn. But you're like, okay, on off, on off. I actually cut a hole in the mask so I can just eat while I have it on. That is a movie. You ever see those pictures of people like cigarettes going through their masks? Yes, it's so funny, dude. It's so funny. That's wild.

Yeah, my buddy put it this one. My friend Nico said there's two, there's two great ways to see a movie, either full theater and empty theater. Because full theater, it's an experience. You feed off the energy if you're excited about it. Like, especially a superhero movie. you're like, oh, he showed up. Like, this guy's here.

This guy was not. If there's, like, a laugh, it's like a kill, you know? Yes, yes. It's like Lucas would know about. Oh, bitch. And then an empty theater is great because it's just your theater. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just hang out in it.

I'm not having fun. Jesus, dude. See, there are two types of people out here. Lucas, you're, see, listen, I'm depressed too. Yeah, but I'm forcing it to make this a good episode. Same. Thank you. And that's the noble thing to do.

The last thing I saw in theaters was Dragon Ball's Dragon Ball Super Broly. I don't even remember that movie. You're a big dragon, you're a big anime guy. I fucking love Dragon Ball, dude. Have you seen the... Yeah, we're nerds for playing Settlers of the Tadan.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's Jack dudes beating each other up. It's fucking... Yo, pause, bro. I remember the... That shit's cool. It is cool.

But I remember the moment I realized how homerotic superheroes were, which was like a year ago, which I've been superhero fans that I was a kid, and then I realized I was like, Oh yeah, this is all like very homosexual in a lot of ways. What did it for you?

The leotards? Well, I found out Joel Schumacher. I had no idea he was gay. The guy who made Batman with the nipples. Wait, what? Yeah, yeah. What's Batman with the nipples? Who played that Batman?

George Clooney. Oh, where his armor had nipples. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then like, it's like, did you have a crease? Dude, his, his cock, it's just like, Whoa.

It's just like a bold. That was just George Clooney's cock. Yeah, yeah. They designed the cock around George Clooney for that whole bad thing. You're like, we're like, we're going to. I need a bigger cock-up helmet, whatever it is. But, yeah, no, he was like, I didn't know who Joel Schumacher was. And apparently he just, like, got the most fucking ass in all of Hollywood.

Oh, I bet. Yeah, yeah, it was just fucking and fucking and sucking. I was at a show at the stand comedy club a month or so ago, and there was a comic on the downstairs stage or everyone's looking up at you. Dude, his dick was just completely showing. Who was it? I actually don't know his name. He had a joke. He had a joke about it. No, tight pants.

So it was like a Robert Plant Dick outlined. Oh, yeah, yeah. Dude. That's where the term cock rock came from. Led Zeppelin would like... Really? Yeah, their cock. You could literally like... You could see it. See their cock. Same with this comic. And I've seen Bulges on stage.

You can't hide it. But this guy's caught... Dude, people weren't even watching the show. Yeah, yeah. People were just watching. And then after the show, me and my friend Matt were hanging out, and it was kind of quiet for a second. And at the same time, we both were like, you see that guy's dick? Yeah, it's huge. And he had a joke about it. A very subtle open. just bare like one line and then didn't talk about it for the rest of the night. It's almost, it's almost creepy.

His dick was doing all the jokes. Yeah, you should, you should do a tuck job if your dick's that big. Yeah. He's just front row just like standing up like, yeah, how's it going? You guys are like seeing my cock and they're like,

it was so uncomfortable now. It's also, it was hard to follow setups. He would be like, my wife just turned 30. I'd be like, your cock just turn cock. What? Yeah, yeah.

Your wife, yeah, I'm especially, she's not dead from me fucking her and skewing her with that fat weaner. Your wife who was splitting two right now? Show us your, your dick. Shut the fuck up. That's the manager of the club. It's not even a...

Yeah, the booker. Show them your cock. What do you do? I used to... My first couple months... Give his dick the light. Put your dick back. We used to... Like, um, six months in the stand up, my girlfriend told me. So I

used to free ball for like years of my life. Like five years. Like in pants too? Yes. Pants, jeans. Athletic shorts, everything. I didn't care. I didn't wear socks. I didn't wear boxers just for like bowl. Whoa, you were, that's a free spirit, my name. You didn't wear socks? No, I didn't wear socks. That's disgusting. Yeah, it was, of course. But no underwear's fine. Sox is, no socks is disgusting. No, and I would have, sometimes my button wouldn't have me button on my pants because it was broken because I was getting

fatter. So you can just see pubs hanging out here and there. Oh, Michael. Yeah. Brutal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But my girlfriend told me one time, I was doing stand up, but I get off stage, I was like, hey, do you like my sit? She's like, I could see the head of your penis. a whole entire time. She goes, everybody could see the head of your penis. And I was like,

what? I look at old tapes if my stand-up and you could just see the head of my penis in all my sense. And like, out of your shorts?

Like, not, no, no, no, no, sorry, she's saying, in, like, the outline. Oh, yeah,

not, not, not. I thought you meant the fleshy. Yeah. The fleshy. I get a boat for every, I do an uptuck, but you could just see

the head. Yeah. That would be funny. I do an uptuck through my waistband and you can just like, And you just like stretch casually. Oh, you would act out.

You guys are when the things come out of the submarine to look above. Yeah, yeah. Parasco. A little periscope. A little pre-cum is just coming out. See that? You'll ever be at the grocery store? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, I've never had a bad time at Trader Joe's. I don't know about you guys. Just like a little squirt comes out of my cock. And they're like, your wiener is coming. I literally thought you meant like you're the dick, the head of your dick. No, no, no, no, no. The outline of my penis. But the outline is different than just a bowl.

An outline is an outline. The bulge is whatever. Everyone has a bulge. It's, it's, whatever. You can't avoid it. Well, it's been... Yeah, we all have bulges here. I mean, I'm flat dicked right now. I mean, I'm wearing khaki so this is like... Yeah, there's always a little penis. I hate the khaki bulge, because it's not real, but you sit down on the train and it just looks like... Let's hear from this bulge. I wanted to fart from my dick for so long. Same, dude. And then come from my ass. Yeah. Am I right? Well, you've generally had come out of your ass. I don't think I... I've not.

never actually had come in my ass. Really? No, I've yet to have. That's not like, no, I have. You haven't been butt fuck yet? No, not yet. That's what I was saying. Oh, really? No, I just broke my, I just started using it.

My male hymen? Yeah, kind of. I just started using a ditto. I never had penetration before, like, two months ago, to go and penetrated myself for the first time. Penetrated myself. Thank you, dude. All right. Allie, dude.

It was so good. I was like, I'm gayer now. It was so good, dude. Oh, my God. Do you have to, like, I should have to finger your ass first, right? No, because the dough-do I guy was pretty small, but, like, if you're going to take a dick, yeah, you don't like... Do you have to, like, trick yourself into it? You have to, like, put it on a piece of furniture, and you're like, I have to forget about this, hopefully land on it.

No, that's funny. No, well, it's not a sitting one. It's like, just a, you hold it. But you do have to relax a lot. Like, that's tight. You have to completely let it. You have to let go. I like a good finger in the ass.

Yeah, I know. I like a finger tip. Oh, yeah, finger tip. But I, I, in, I don't know. Oh, no, dude. I understand people. Re-knuckle it, dude. Three-knuckle.

I understand people who don't like in. I get it. Yeah. There's gay guys I know who don't like penetration. Yeah, it makes sense. It's like a painful thing. Like, a lot of people like... Oh, you don't like penetration?

What are you gay? A lot of people who say gay guys or straight guys are gay because they like stuff in their butt, but I'm like, gay guys aren't having butt sex because they're gay. They're having butt sex because that's the option. They don't have a vagina stuff. Thank you. Thank you, dude. They're not like, oh, I love taking it up the ass.

Because I'm attracted to men. It's like, no, some dudes probably do love it. They want to have sex with that man because that's where they're attracted to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guarantee you the dudes had vaginas. I mean, by definition. Yeah. By definition, the fact that a woman is putting something in your ass, that's not gay.

Correct. It's a woman. Yeah, yeah. You know, keep telling yourself that, buddy. Yeah. You just touched my dick. Oh, your dick is at your knee? Yeah.

Zero chance. Yeah, literally. You want me to prove it on this podcast? Pull the we in out. I just started having blurred clip. Blurry clips. Will you blur out my dick right now? Nothing inappropriate.

I'll pull it out. Just like something up here blurred the whole time. I would for sure blur my dick if you... If I pull my dick out right now... I'll blur it, yeah, yeah. I'll blur it. This is going to the clips. This is going to the clips.

I like it right up... I like the... So for those... Is he really going to? No, no, he's not going to. Did you go over there so you could see it better? He's like, I want to be in the shot. Oh, with my dick out?

Yeah. Why? Because I... I want to have a career. That would be a funny thing to get canceled for, though. You're like, you were in a penis shot. Yeah, true. I think I'm just paranoid.

Dude, I'll put my face right next to your penis for a minute. No, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Now we have a deal. But to be fair, that is good online content. Like a blurred dick. You're people like, I want to listen to this episode. What do they talk about?

I love when my mother asked me how comedy is going to. And I have to remember moments like this. No, it's good. I've been writing a lot. Dude, I told you. you like I was editing clips today of my podcast and literally I'm just sitting there it's like so you said you fisted somebody before

right for like 45 minutes was just trying to line up the audio with the video so I could make a clip of that I hate it like I put up some stand-up clips before I'm not very great it but like there's one where I set up was like I'm bisexual and for like six hours I'm just like I'm bisexual I'm bisexual I'm bisexual I was like I get it

like to me I was like I fucking I can't hear this one more fucking time well it seems like it's got to be something that like you feel like you have to dress because if you What are you? I'm sorry. He's just looking at a text. My dad just sent me so many pictures of these Mexicans getting arrested at the border. How much was a hospital bill?

I don't know. I'm not paying that shit. Wait, no, no. I want to dive into your dad having pictures of Mexican the border. Why does it look like your dad was in a helicopter? Because he is, he is in a helicopter. Oh, does your dad work for the border patrol? My dad's in the army. Oh, and they're at the border? Yeah.

Huh. He's doing border. control right now. He just sent me this truckload of Mexicans getting arrested. I wish that was my father. I'm kidding. Dude, well, the thing I don't get, the one thing that's kind of bugging me, though, okay, so the whole fentanyl crisis, yeah, I hate to get political, but there are a lot of like random people that are on the right that now are being like, the Mexicans are bringing the fentanyl all over. I'm like, dude, when people were overdosing five years ago, you were like, there was the same, a lot of these same people that are like, oh, don't give them Narcan. It's like,

why do these people have to show up to police reports? Like, now you care. about fentanyl because now it's a border thing. And like, fed off also made here. Yeah. Like it's, you make fentanyl in America.

It's out of pharmacy. Um, I had a lab. Yeah, but I also don't work at the border. What's your dad's take on it? He, morally, he's,

like, it's just his job, like morally. So he's like, they're specifically targeting cartels and stuff. Like he's doing border control for cartels and shit. There's like a kid walking across.

He's like, that's the fucking leader. Just like everybody's like, I know a cartel member when I see it. Well, like 12 year old girl? Cartel leader. Yeah.

Morally, like, he doesn't, he doesn't, like, enjoy, like, what he's doing. But he's been in the military for 30 years. He didn't like fucking going to war and killing people. But, like, that's what put me in diapers, you know what I mean? So, this is just his assignment. Mexicans play you in diapers? Yeah. Yeah, this is a fun conversation, guys. I mean, I have a thing.

Fuck this place, man. Do you want to... I survive for this? I can't tell. if you're a joke or not. You play it so seriously that I can't tell if you're actually having a mental breakdown. You have the personality of someone who has a Joker poster on their wall. Yeah, yeah, I could see it. I've never seen the Joker. Really? That's why you're so sad. It's very uplifting film. No, I'm glad you haven't seen the Joker. I think you would genuinely hurt other people if you saw that movie. You're the one guy that doesn't need to see the Joker movie. Yeah, exactly. Joker's a pussy. I mean, he is in the movie. He's like, you made fun of me, Mary. It's such an overreaction. One guy.

one time was like, they guys a weird mouth. And he's like, oh, I'll kill everyone. Yeah. I'll kill everyone there. How about that with your weird mouth? Nobody makes fun of my laugh. Yeah. Some people get so self-conscious about that shit.

You're like, it's your laugh. Nobody's like judging you off this. And they're like, I'm sorry, my laugh. I never laugh. And if they are, like, fuck that person who's judging you. Yeah. I was judging someone's laugh the other night. I was at a Broadway show, what up?

And this girl behind me, before the show started, her laugh was, ha, ha, ha, ha. And I was like, I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna joker this place. Oh, yeah. What Broadway show was? Take Me Out. It's a great show. It won two Tonys.

I was trying to think of a serious Broadway show. I have no idea about that she's laughing at. Which one's serious? Schindler's list the musical. Yeah, exactly. She's in the back. Just fucking. Boy in the striped pajamas on ice.

Dude, some of the... Some of those are... By fairs, have you ever seen, there was like this one thing. There's this disabled pig. It'll relate, I promise. Disabled pig. In like a wheelchair?

Mom. Are you leaving? What am I doing? You're really playing a serious. This episode's about being a lot better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one. That's the one that...

This is my favorite Lucas Salimus. He wants to leave, but he needs this. Sorry, keep going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wants us to beg him to stay here. Yeah, yeah, wait. Oh, did you get a fart mic? Oh, yeah.

You got it. I think high hope it. Fucking animals. Anyways, we're not talking. talking about your mom right now. So someone needs to. There's a pig in like a wheelchair and they're like, this disabled pig

and then the newscaster just starts laughing his ass off. He's like, I can't. I'm sorry. I can't. He's like, oh! He's like uncontrollably laughing at this disabled pig. I mean, it's very funny. Yeah, yeah. Well, that shit is funny. Like we had like a video in our class where like our teacher was like showing us like this special

like some like special needs and like one of your buddy just makes a joke and then you just start uncontrollably laughing. And then you just look like such a piece of shit because you're just dying laughing at kids and wheelchairs. But it's also like something is something something something is so serious and that's why it's funny. Because you're like, this is such a serious thing to say that you're like, it's

hilarious. Like it's so funny to put somebody in a room and have them watch a video of kids missing limbs and having that person laugh at that. Like it's just, it's objectively funny because you're not supposed to laugh at it. Exactly. Well, it's funny when like they try to do stuff and they can't accomplish the task. I don't know

that's what Michael was saying. No, that's hilarious though. You ever see that? You probably can relate to that. You know what's not funny? What the fuck is this podcast? Why are we doing this? You know what's not funny? Like a guy missing a finger? Because you're like, I don't know. Yeah, because it's not funny. It's not awful enough to be inappropriate to laugh at. Yes. But it's also like yeah, that's kind of sucks. But then a kid with

like no legs is funny. It's funny. I'm sorry. The Black Power Ranger. He has... He had a missing finger the whole time. Go back and watch the old Power Rangers. When he makes a fist, a punch, he has to do like fist. I thought you're saying like a black power fist. Black Power

Ranger. Yeah. Those are, yeah. Black power, but a Ranger of that. No, you're making me bored when you talk. Charlie, what the fuck are you doing right now? I don't like it. I'm being... This is serious. I don't like it. I don't like it.

We know, we know. I feel like I don't fucking like it. By listening to I thought we're all friends here. We were all friends. This is a good bit I'm doing. No, it's not. It's really bad. It is tanked the episode.

We keep getting off to good riffs. They're like, I hate you guys. And you also call us bitches, and then we'll be like, you're weird. And you'll be like, oh, my God. I mean, no. Guys, it's a fucking bitch idiot. I hate you. I guess I'll just take that then.

It's a bit, guys. Yeah, you should work on that. You should stop doing cocaine and work on your comedy. I got some new jokes. Yeah, let's hear one. So you ever been to the hospital and overdone? You ever almost died and go out and do Coke the next night? Folks.

You got to add a folks in there. Folks. Folks. I like folks. Folks. It passed. That's just you. We're about to wrap up.

Jesus. We got to talk to Lucas about everything. Me and guys, this is all a bit. I'm fucking sober as shit. What are you talking about? I've been sober three years. I don't think you should. Are you sober right now?

Are you sober right now? I just got off of work, guys. That doesn't answer your question. You haven't answered the question. Yes. I am so. You don't have any cocaine on you. No.

I still don't know if I believe him. I have an empty vial from last night. Can I plug stuff? Yeah, yeah, plugs stuff. I've got to try your butt. I have a pod. That was funny. Here's my card.

Go fuck yourself. What was that card say? If you're listening to this and you like my voice and my thoughts, I have a podcast with my friend. Leland called The Idiot's Catalog. Follow us at Idiot's Catalog on Instagram and Twitter. We post clips every day. We're on TikTok and we post episodes every week where we come up with dumb inventions, silly inventions. It's really a fun time. Listen to Idiot's Catalog. And follow me on my Instagram at Charlie underscore Dogson, D-O-G-S-O-N. Michael, thank you so much.

Yeah, definitely listen to Idiot's Catalog if you're a fucking idiot. If you're a smart guy, listen to this podcast. I'm just kidding. I don't need to say, just kidding. Yeah, it was great. Lucas, what do you want to plug? I think my mic was fucking... I think my mic was unplugged for a while. I think you're fine. You can find me at the local hospital.

No, I have a new show that I started at my motorcycle dealership. We actually just got a second location. I had a great time I did the show. It's a great show. It's free beer, free show. And it's in a motorcycle dealership. It's the first Thursday of every month. And we have a second location at a motorcycle garage.

is going to be the third Friday of every month. If you like motorcycles and comedy and beer, come check it out. Michael was on the last one. It was a great time, right? Yeah, that was the most consistency you've had for an hour straight as you plugging your thing. But thank you. Yeah, I had a great time on it. All right, thanks for coming on.

And, yeah, thanks for being here. Bye.