Morning Good - It Better Be Good - Episode 70

Episode Date: April 3, 2022

Thanks to Charlie for bringing Leland on the show, check both of these guys out online and in person in NYC.Charlie's on Instagram and Twitter @charliedcomedy, and Leland's on Instagram and TikTok @lelandcomedy. Make sure to follow them and their podcast @idiots_catalog.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. All right. And we are on. We're here with Charlie Dawson. Yeah. And Leland Long. I'm here.

I'm excited. Thanks for having me. Thanks for being here. And by way, I'm just going to say, I feel like complete garbage. I have a horrible sinus infection. I got fired. My friends are dying. Another friend died?

Yeah. Every time I'm on this pod, you just had a friend die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are these all things we're going to unpack? Or are we going to move on to, like, cats or something? I'm going to say that. Just the first. I've talked about enough another episode, so I just want to get that out there.

Sure. Gotcha. Okay. Yeah. Well, what did you want to complain about? It's so hard in your life now. So I was at the store, I was on the store recently. And there's a line of people.

And it's a store where you have to wait to get helped by a customer service. Is that every store? No, it was a phone store. It was today. It was just an hour ago. And so I'm waiting in line. There's one person in front of me. And a phone store is take long.

That's what it is. There's an old lady being helped. And she's obviously just talking about her day to the guy working there. Which I don't, who cares? She's going to die soon. Let her, let her talk. Yeah. And this lady in front of me just keeps going.

oh my god oh jesus jesus just so just milking this moment and i got she kept looking at me when she was doing it and i got so much satisfaction out of completely cold shoulder in her just completely like fuck you fuck your whole existence you don't matter she was trying to she was trying to get me to be like shit fuck this old bitch right but you're just kind of like i don't give a fuck and if she did say something to me i would have been like i love that woman that is I love that woman. That's my grandma right there. She's my black lady.

See, I would have, the problem is I would have hopped on board and been like, yes, fuck that woman. I have this like, I don't know why. I don't know why I don't like giving people advantages that deserve advantages. Like, even if they deserve it, even if it was an old lady in a wheelchair,

I'd be like, who does she think she is? Because I'm a piece of shit in those ways. Well, I'm usually like that. If I'm walking down the street and someone's in a wheelchair, I fucking push them, you know, get out of my way. keep moving.

It's New York. There's New York. But before you do that, do you go, oh. Jesus. And then that lady comes up behind me. She goes, I know, right? But I just love, a comic has a great joke about this. I'm not going to do, but I love not giving someone the thing they really want in that

moment. All she wanted was for me to look over and go, I know, right? That's all she wanted. But by me withholding, it just, she kept trying. And then it got to the point where she just looked weird. She looks like a schizophrenic. Like, she looked older and crazier than the old crazy woman. Yeah.

just sitting there, Jesus, oh my, like, shut up, just let her fucking, let her be old. Let her, let her talk about her day. Who cares? Who gives a fuck, you know? I think the only reason I'm opposing you on this is because I had a recent incident with an old person. So I was at the airport, and I was like in line for food. And this old

woman's like, yeah. Not the worst line you can be at the airport, but definitely a line at the airport. And this old woman goes up with her husband, she goes, oh, can we cut you? We're just getting waters. And I was like, actually, I haven't even ordered my food yet. And I got to really, I got a rush right now, so I actually know.

Yeah. She goes, oh, okay. And it just cuts me. I was like, I actually said you couldn't cut me. She goes, oh, you didn't? I'm sorry. And they proceeded to check out. What?

And this one behind me is like, it was pretty clear what you said. It was pretty clear that you said you can't cut. They didn't give a fuck about you. They cut like the whole line because they're like, oh, we just have to get waters. And like, that doesn't change the fact that I still have to, like, if I order food, then you can go get waters. Yeah. Like, it's like, I haven't even put my meal in.

And this is the airports. They're going to take fucking forever to make my sandwich. Yeah. you know the only reason I'm opposing you is now I'm actually on their side I'm going to start doing that going up to be like can I cut you and if they say no just doing it I mean like I didn't hear you I didn't know I didn't hear you I get weird better to ask for permission yeah and then ask for forgiveness yes the old Dondy's saying just do both I mean this something like that happened to me recently where I was also like there's a giant line at the thrift store and this woman goes hey it's my birthday can I cut you and I don't know why I just I had to say no I don't know what there's but it's not even like it's that much of an inconvenience, but I don't know why there's this little anger in me sometime that I'm like, absolutely not. I was here.

I think we are on the same side then because that's basically what I did to this lady. She was like, can I complain to you? And I basically was like, no. You know, like, we did the same thing. Whereas like, they just want the little thing to get them through their day and me and you were just like, no, you can't have that. I'm not giving that. Yeah, because that was, I guess, I get, yeah, we're kind of on the same page of that.

Yeah. I've always wanted to. Are you on the same page? I'm on a different page entirely right now. I've talked to Charlie about this. I've wanted to write a sketch about someone using the, the like, you know when you're at the airport in TSA's line and you can like kind of get away with like saying people like, oh, my flight's about to take off. Can I cut you? My flights.

Doing that, but in different situations, like at the grocery store being like, hey, can I cut you? I got a flight that's about to take off. It's like way before you need me. You're a full, like two full bags of groceries, a full cart. Yeah. It's like you're not going to be able to get in with those waters. It's like, I'm going to drink it before, but I got a flight that's about to take off. You got a best spot. You have a 56 inch TV. I got it. I got a fly. I got to go to Tuscalo Luga. What is that place? Tuscaloosa.

I'm actually going there for a wedding. Are you really? Oh, no, no, no. I'm not. Okay. The people are from this. No, it's not going to work out. I just remembered.

I don't know how to pronounce it, so I don't know how to get there. You're trying to buy a ticket. You couldn't type it into the computer. Yeah, and I just gave up. You go to Tuscany and Italy. He's like, wow, this place is beautiful. Where's the wedding?

No, it was, I guess, mobile. But, wait, what would you ask before that? Just hanging. Oh, yeah. On that same note, I get a lot of joy. I live by the West Side Highway, and there's some nights where it's really peaceful and you can hear traffic and it's like white noise. It's really nice.

That doesn't sound nice. Just give me this. And then there's some nights where there's a bunch of traffic. And I'm so confused. I hate to stop you. I live on the West Side Highway. I know, but you said sometimes it's relaxing. Yeah, just hearing cars, not traffic.

Excuse me, cars. Just go in the engine. started coming by. It's really nice. And then there's some nights like 5, 6 p.m. where I'm laying in bed because I love bed. And I can hear people out there honking and yelling and getting angry and police sirens.

They can't get through. And ambulances, people dying. Everyone's dying. And I get so much comfort out of hearing other people be miserable. When I hear traffic, even at your place, when I hear someone like traffic outside, I immediately feel warmer inside.

Because I go, I'm not there. My life could be dog shit, but at least I'm not. down there in a car getting honked at right now. There is something nice about, like, being indoors when it's really shitty outside. When it's really shitty out. And you're like, it's comforting to see a guy with an umbrella, like just kind of, the umbrella's breaking a little bit.

You know what I mean? I'm kind of like, ah, man, I've been there, but I'm not there now. I'm not there now. Exactly. That's how I felt with COVID in Florida, because my friends were being in New York and they would just be like, I haven't left my apartment in months. And I'm like, oh, I feel so nice to like, because nobody's doing anything. Yeah.

But I'm not doing anything in a better spot. Yes, exactly. Yeah, you're not doing anything in, like, the mecca of the world. Yeah. And they're not doing anything in, like, the armpit of the United States. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Hell, yeah.

Sorry about your friend. Ah, it's okay. Okay. I got a new phone. Oh, sick. Yeah. Can I? It's almost like he didn't die now.

Yeah. It's just, it's so funny because I just has RIP in his name on the back of it. It's so annoying because, like, I've recorded episodes back to back. So, like, everyone I've just, like, briefly, it's been two months ago. You know, I should be over. Oh, yeah. I definitely should be over. Yeah.

But, um. But the one thing I was going to say is, have you ever bought podcast a couple but through the airport? That is the worst and most guilty I've ever felt of doing something. Because you're in line and then all of a sudden you're like, yeah, sorry, give me one second. And then I just take up like 10 of the fucking... You start recording your pod. So what's the craziest thing you've ever taken out of a suitcase?

Sir, you need to get through the line. I had another great moment today. I'll just take over. I got a great moment from a couple weeks ago. Wait, I'll do it after yours. Okay, all right. So one of my biggest peeps, because I have a hitable. People, when people see my face, they just want to fight.

I don't know. I don't get it. How? I have a hitable face. Like, I'll be walking down the street. I'm on the right side. Someone else is on the right side. And they move to my side.

When there's no one else, they just want trouble. People love to get in my fucking way. So today I'm walking. Charlie, every time we hang out, I have to restrain myself. You are so hitable. So I'm walking today. I'm walking to this pod. And there's this guy walking.

And I, we both have totally enough room. 100% enough room to pass each other. He has a dog with him. And he looks flustered. Like real, like anger, bad day this guy had. And he does this bullshit move

where he comes into my lane and then acts like I got in his way. You know what I mean? So already I'm like, all right, I guess I'm shoulder checking him. I guess I'm shoulder checking. I don't even fuck him.

I'll shoulder check. We get right up to a shoulder check point and his dog rips him away. And he goes, ugh. And he follows his dog. And I had this little connection with the dog.

Oh, yeah. Like fuck this guy. Right. I was like this guy, because even the dog was like, get out of his way. What are you doing? Like, we had a way. I'm so sorry.

I'm so embarrassed right now. He should not be like this. I can never, I can't bring him places. I just can't bring him anywhere. I can't bring him places. He goes, I put him through two training classes. Yeah, yeah. He just doesn't learn.

He just doesn't learn. And this guy, he was like just as dramatic as a person in the phone store where he was like, oh, ugh, ugh. It's like, well, then don't get in another person's fucking way. Yeah. One of my favorite things in this city is shoulder checking people who will not let you off of the subway when you get to a subway stop. And they're just like blocking the way.

I'm just like, I am pile driving through. And most of the time, you're not bigger than I am. So I'm getting through. Yeah. Yeah. I love a good,

I love a deserved shoulder check, a valid shoulder check. I don't go out and try to shoulder check. I want nothing but peace in the world. But if someone's in my way or someone's being a dick, also if someone's on their phone and they're just like, they don't give a fuck about people. I'll do a shoulder check.

Sure. Get off your phone. Like walk. You're in Times Square. What are you doing? I just like, I don't really take the train anymore. Yeah, I just city bike everywhere.

I mean, I'm only in like a rate. I'm not really... Yeah, I guess you get fired. You don't have to take the train anymore. I've been working for home this whole time. So do you ever get off the city bike and try and park it and then there's people surrounding you, not letting you go away? I guess I got a shoulder check these people. They're trying to get to the city bike.

I have had the thing, though, have you taken the city bike? And there's, I roll up to a stop. And there's one, there's one dock and I roll up with another guy. And we have to kind of like fucking go at it. Yeah. What do you do? I usually give it to them. I'm a nice guy.

You got a race down the block. Whoever can be faster on the bike. And then mid-race, you cut off and go park. I pray that that one doesn't unlock. I've had that before where the guy goes first and then that one is like a broken thing. And then I just immediately go to the next dock. Sure. But they put up more recently.

That's what we need more of in New York City is city bike docks. Yeah. I've decided that's how I'm going to die. Like, the first time I went on one, I'm like, this is how I'm going to die. Everyone has these stories of I ride a city bike. I'm put my life in my hands. I've never had a bad or even scary experience on a city bike. They're the most, they're tanks.

They are tanks. Yeah. Yeah, come to think of it. I think I just see people on city bikes always almost get hurt. But I guess for me, for the most part, I don't know. Yeah, it's normally fine. Just change who you are as a person. I think there's some kind of recklessness of not owning the bike.

Sure. And you're like, I'm just going to do whatever the fuck I want. It's not my bike. I don't care if it gets broken, you know? My body just fell off a, no, the city bike broke and he sprained his wrist. and he's suing city bike. And honestly, yes, do it. They have millions and their bike broke on you.

Was he drunk? Sure. Sober. I would say, though, like, I don't know if I'm on his side with that one. Because I feel like this is like the McDonald's lady that burned herself with the hot coffee and sued. It's like, you don't know what you're getting. Yeah, you know, you did this to yourself. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, the bike did break on him, though. Oh, if the bike broke, definitely sued. That's what happened. The bike broke on him. I thought he just fell off. No, he didn't fall. Yeah.

It fell sideways. Well, maybe he's just telling me that story. Yeah. But dude, like, get your money. Especially, like, if I could sue Target, if I could sue Amazon, if I could sue Walmart, in a second I work, because it takes nothing out of their pocket. All in one lawsuit? All my packages were late.

Dude, you could for sure find a McDonald's in a Target. In like, somehow, you know what I mean? They have like stores within stores. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My buddy used to work in a Starbucks in a Harris Teeter. Shut out the South. What's a Harris Teeter? Harris Teeter is like a food lion, also a southern one.

A grocery store. It's a grocery store. Like a Publix? Yeah, like a Publix? Like a West Side Market? I was just saying, yeah, a specific one. Yeah, like, your Stedes. And it was, like, I went to see him at work one day.

I was like, this is the most depressing way to work is in a place, in another place. Yeah. So, I don't know why. It was so depressing. I was working in, I worked for a photo booth company, so I have to do, you know, but I worked. So I go to like. Yeah. I worked at, like, weird event spaces.

And I was, this week, I worked at, um, city banks headquarters in the lower west side. it's just this huge building with all offices, but they have their own dedicated Starbucks in the lobby of their head of quarters, which is insane to me. There's a lot of that in Midtown. A company headquarters like, yeah, we got our own Starbucks. Yeah. There's a, I worked for the, you did Citibank?

City Bank, yeah. I did a Citibank as well in Midtown. They had their own Starbucks. And the employees looked like they were in hell because they have to deal with like white frat boy bankers all day. I ordered a chocolate croissant. Yeah. The person at the cashier said chocolate croissant. The bag says chocolate croissant.

The person who handed it to me said chocolate croissant. Inside chocolate chip cookie. I love to you. Like inside, ice latte. Yeah, inside bugs. Yeah, it's just something gross. I'll like, that's the worst feeling when you get something. It's the wrong thing.

But you're like, I don't even have time to fucking deal with this. I would eat anything right. Yeah, yeah. Here's my story of a thing that happened. It was happened a couple weeks ago. Just like on the thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there you go, yeah, because this thing comes out.

Oh, I see, I see. I see. I was at a salad place, getting a salad. Drop a name. It was just salad? Just salad? Just salad. Great spot. Good spot.

They have a... I got to beep that when I'm not sponsoring them. You actually have a competitor? Only salad? I'm going to make it hard for you. Just salad, just salad, just salad. Just salad. And they have a deal where you get like a salad and a smoothie.

And so I got that and I was picking the smoothie. And there was a smoothie board that said like all plant-based smoothie. And I got a banana and strawberry smoothie. And when I was paying this woman who was sitting down was like, what did you get? And I was like, oh, I got a smoothie. And she's like, oh, they make smoothies here? I was like, yeah, I got the banana and strawberry one. The worker said that.

No, no, no. Holy fuck. We made that here. This woman was like just sitting down having a salad with her friends. And she's like, oh, she looked at the board. She's like, oh, all plant-based, huh? So I guess those bananas and strawberries aren't real bananas and strawberries? And I was like, I don't know.

I don't have enough time or patience to deal with this. This woman didn't know that bananas and strawberries were plants. What did she think they... I don't know. I guess she just thought that, like, they remade bananas and strawberries out of, like, chia seeds or, like, tofu or something. It was just you peel it back. It was just a pile of spinach in the field. Yeah.

Dude, I was at my sandwich shop the other day, and I was ordering a number four. I always get a number four. Ask me what's in it. What's in it? No idea. I always get a number four. Do you, sorry to cut you up, do you go to a sandwich place and order off of their menu, or do you have your own order?

Deli, I have my own order. This is a sandwich shop. I get off their menu. Oh, okay. You can make your own, but I like what they do with the number four. Gotcha, gotcha. And so this guy's behind me, and he's having way too good of a day where he just wants to talk to someone. He goes, what do you get?

I got a number four. He goes, I'm going to get number four based off your recommendation. I go, okay. And he goes, I swear to God, he goes, it better be good. He's a bite. He's like, this fucking suck. Why did you lie to me? He follows you to the summary.

Hey, I did not enjoy the number four. I would have, I was going to get us number seven. And we were having such opposite days. I was like, hungover. I was like, please don't look at me or talk to me. And he was just like, hi, everyone, hello. If you don't fucking speak to me Like that guy does

Would that guy downstairs say? Oh that guy First of all I waved like a like an idiot There's some guy with like a bunch of La Croy's at the door and I thought it was Charlie So one of my neighbors I don't even know I just waved at him I was like hey man what's that? I was like oh it's not Charlie

But anyways just let the guy in And then what would the guy downstairs say? He goes He was like hey good evening And we're like yeah great evening or whatever And he goes we don't have to figure it out now We got our whole lives for that And we're like

We're like okay Sure. And he goes, especially you guys, because you're young. You're like, all right. Goodbye? Like, are you a spirit? What are you? Yeah. Sounds like that guy needs to figure it out now.

Yeah. He has to really start figuring it out. Because if he's going around telling people, we don't got to figure this out, it's like, all right. You got to figure it out. Yeah. And then we walk and I go, we're 45. And I think I got a laugh from someone on the street. That's funny.

I saw someone dancing. I work in Midtown. I'll just keep saying it. And I saw someone dancing. You know the soccer. You know the soccer warmups where you step up and down off a curb? Oh, yeah. I saw someone doing that the other day, and I saw going, and I got a whole crowd of people

to laugh in Times Square. It was really great, dude. It was really fun. I've had a bomb like that before, though. I've been on an airplane and I say something, and the people are like, you're like, nah, the silence is crushing. And then if you're on an airplane or somewhere, you have to stay on that. You can't just like dip.

People just look at you as they're walking to the bathroom. Yeah, remember that guy that tried? people hate when other people try. People hate when they see you try. They hate it so much. I was on an airplane recently. I got like delayed so long. Yeah.

And I ended up just like, I don't know. I was like, I'm gonna try to go to sleep. So, I mean, I did drugs. I was like, let me take a little bit of X. And then I think I had like a beer or something like that. And then part of me was like, I should just do stand-up comedy right now. And hindsight, could you imagine horrible? That would be just some guy who's like drunk in on Xanax?

Just like, hey, guys, let me fucking. Give me a second. Give me a second. This pilot was fucking crazy. right. How is ridiculous. I probably gotta take it off. If you,

if you told my mind, I was like, this is one of those viral videos where they're like, which is not my speed at all. I'm not with those guys. It's like, in my mind,

I'm like, kind airline, stand-up comedian decides to perform for free, which is not. That never would have to perform for free. Yeah. Performs their time.

So I'm like, no one's ever on a plane with like a passenger that's going catatonic and be like, oh my God, he needs to be entertained right now. Is there a comic on the plane?

Is there a comic on board? Oh, dating's tough. Uh, If I would have seen a video of you doing that successfully or unsuccessfully, we couldn't be friends anymore, Michael. No, no, no, no. If one of those like now this videos, I always like to now this logo, it's like this kind man or this like mean guy.

Dude, it's always like a soldier returning home. You know what I always think about when there's a video of a soldier returning home is 48 hours ago he was probably cheating on his wife and snorting cocaine in Afghanistan. I don't know anything about the military. I've never heard this story. I don't think that happens. I don't think they'd cheat on their wife. Well, it's just I always, because soldiers, yes, they're military.

But I always think about, like, who are these as people, though? You know what I mean? Like, because they make this video and I'm bawling crying because I miss my dad. I always wonder, like, what if, like, yeah, they come home and their family rejoices and embraces them and everyone hugs and everyone's crying. And then that night they go out in their pickup truck to a bar and get in a bar fight and end up in jail. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I love that. I went way darker. In my mind, he has PTSD. He just socks his wife. It's just the worst case scenario. He just yells, they got through the perimeter.

Like the dog runs. It's just the worst case scenario. Yeah, I love like they have balloons for him. When the balloons pops, he like just starts beating everyone up. Just a horrible. Just a barrel roll.

There's a tough coffee table. I, but just shout out the truth. I just shout out the troops. They're going to fucked up junk on media. Like, but I do like those people. Yeah. I have that feeling to like immediately do that.

I want to put it on record. I don't like those people. I'm going to double down. We were watching the stolen valor video because we were watching a movie and somebody did like the stolen valor thing. And it's one of those things where like, if you were in the service, I totally get it. You're mad that people pretend to be in the service. Of course.

But my favorite of the people that weren't in the service, but they're mad that people pretend. Like, that doesn't hurt you in any way. Yeah, who cares? Some guy in a fucking mall in Oklahoma is pretending to be a soldier. for money. It's like, who gives a fuck? Yeah, it's like there's just a vessel for that other person's anger. That's all that is. Yeah, yeah. There's just like compilations

online of people watching and they're just like, this fucking piece of garbage. Yeah, yeah. It's like, how does that affect you? Yeah, he's 200 miles away. Yeah, that guy also like probably home, probably not living great. Yeah. Nobody's like, you're like fucking loaded. It's like, yeah, I ought to go fucking pretend to be a troop. It's gonna be fucking sick.

That would be a weird psychotic thing. If you, like, had all the money in the world, but you still, like, pretended to be in the military. Like, just for the kicks, you know? Yeah. I could see a person like that. Someone that's just like they got to where they were because they were like a narcissist and they're like, I'm still going to pretend to be an army guy. I'm going to pretend to be a war hero.

You know? And like dinner parties, he tells people like, oh, these medals? This one I got from rescuing 35 people on the same day. I was wearing, I used to skateboard around the parks in New York. I was pretty fucking good. And I used to wear this beanie, this FDNY

and I have family that are firefighters. But none of them are FDMY. They're like, some in Boston, Massachusetts, some in North Carolina. So I have firefighters in my family, but FDMI is a very, like, coveted thing. And so I'm wearing this FDMI bini and I'm skateboarding. And there's a fire station. It was on Houston, the Sixth Ave. There's a fire station right there.

And a fireman came up to me and laughed in my face when he saw my beating. He didn't even ask. He didn't ask, hey, do you have family or are you? He knew you weren't a firefighter. He knew I wasn't. And he knew I didn't have. He knew I just wasn't. and I didn't have anything to do with FDY, and he just laughed.

He was with his family, too. It's not like you were trying to fight. It was like midday, he was with his family, and he laughed in my face. And the embarrassment I felt, dude, like, it crushed me. I think I'm pretty sure I left right afterwards. Yeah. He burned the thing, and then he had to go back and put it out. It's some dickhead light of fucking fire department of New York had.

He's not a tree on fire. Well, that's like, that sounds like a pilot for a TV show, just a skateboarding firefighter. somebody who just does a kick clip and then hears the alarms across the street runs over, puts his skateboard up and then puts the pants on and one of that. And it skates to the fires, carrying the hose behind him.

Good thing this fire is downhill or else I would not get their own time. People are burning and he's trying to go up the hill. My favorite are, it seems like, I have no idea of fire. I'm sure they fight fires. I'm sure it's... No, they do. That's what, yeah, firefighters fight fires.

I'm sure, but also every every time I've seen like somebody get injured, the fire department shows up. Do we have an access of them or what's going on? I saw old lady slip in Greenwich Village. Fire truck pulls up immediately. I'm like, why the fuck do we need you guys? So dumb.

I think they're all just also trained in like medical first aid stuff. A lot of them are E&Ts as well. That makes sense. I would love they just fucking hit her with the hose. We got it. They're just like an all compassing injury type thing. A lot of them are EMT also. That makes sense.

Yeah. Yeah. It would be funny if they're like, Our only job is fighting fires. If you've got a broken leg and you call us, we're going to spray you with the hose, all right?

Does somebody lights something on fire around her than's the only way we could do with this situation? Light a leaf even. It was so funny though because I was like, I was selling tickets and then I'd hear like, boom.

Yeah. And I turn around and just old woman and everybody's like, are you okay? And she's like, is not answering. So I'm sure she's not doing great. Yeah, probably not.

But it was one of those where like four people got her. I was like, do you guys need anything? They're like, no. I'm like, okay. and then I still have to be like, comedy show guys

comedy show I was like they already called 911 but there's just this old lady like bleeding and I'm just like

who was to come to get out comedy show that's so funny you guys ever had to call 911 before yeah yeah there's one guy who's I think

just high on meth he was had no shoes on and he's like dude I think I'm gonna have a heart attack man it's just standing up I'm like yeah dude absolutely

and I call 911 I'm like yeah there's this guy he has no shoes on he's gonna and I was like wait he's probably just really hot like in my mind

they showed up he's probably just feeling his heart like beat out of his jazz. Did they talk to him? Like, what happened? I think they just showed up and then I left. I wasn't like, what was I going to tell? You're an investor. They're always like, we need you to tell us. I'm like, I don't know. He said his heart hurt. You know what?

He's like, I don't know the full story ever. I saw a kid falling a scooter on the way over here. Really made my night. Was it electric or like a razor? Razor. He was a young child. And he was across the street for me and he's bombing this hill. And I'm like, there's no way this kid makes it. I just hear the fucking clunk. And he hits the pavement. And I hear from the distance, are you okay. And it was his mom. She could not have cared less if he was okay. She did a slow, a slower walk to him. You know, because she was like, she was like a hundred feet behind him and she like slowed her pace. She's like, I don't want to fucking deal with this fucking idiot. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what's being firefighter is what I love about New York. I really do love the FDMI. I have an affinity for them is that a lot of firehouses have themes. And so in the Broadway district, like in the theater district, they have a theater themed firehouse. And their slogan is we never miss a show. And I love how they describe a fire as a show. Because they are entertaining. They're not wrong. Just halfway through. But none of the actors ever make

it. Yeah. Yeah. Halfway through they're just like, time for intermission, gentlemen. They walk out and let it burn a little bit more and then come back. That's great. I don't mean this in a homophobic way, but theater is very gay and firemen are very gay, like homoerotic together. Yeah, they are.

They are. Because I think of it as like cops would be if there wasn't like that. That Masculinity. Yeah, yeah. But I feel like that's like a theme like you see like firefighter male stripper. Yeah. I think, I don't think firefighters themselves are traditionally gay. I mean, they're of course are gay firefighters, but I think the theme, the theme of the gay

firefighters is just like 12 men living in a house together. That's it. For a couple days. And they're strapping. They're always strapping. They're always strapping. Always strapping. There's a couple thick ones that aren't attractive. Yeah, but those guys like drive the little trucks. You know what I mean? They're the ones that drive

and they're like order people around. They don't go on the fires and carry stuff anymore. Yeah, that's true. It's probably just the driver, yeah. I would love to be a firefighter for a day. I don't want to go into a fire. I just want to hang out at the house. Yeah, I feel it could be a fun place to hang out.

Maybe a fun place they're always playing cards. Yeah, playing cards, smoking cigars, watching football. Even if it's not football season, they're watching football. Yeah. I love it, man. I also, do you think, like, football players, they ever watch? Fire fires again. And they're like, let's watch this play again.

Let's see it. I went through a big phase of like, I mean, I still do it where I'll look up YouTube videos of fire departments putting out fires. And I can watch that for hours because it doesn't, it takes a while. If it's a big building burning, it takes a long time. And what's really interesting is there always, you probably looks so crazy. Somebody just watch you into buildings on fire. You're just sitting on your couch like popcorn.

For sure. Oh, for you're like with a glass of red wine. Just like, hmm, this is a good one. Yeah. It's a solid fire. You know, it's also crazy is a fire raging. And then you pull up and there's a guy with his camera. just across the street, just filming it in its entirety.

Well, it's one vlogger, and he knows all the firemen, so you'll hear him in the video be like, what's up, corporal? And the corporal's like, please leave. Please leave the fire. I drunkenly did something similar, I'll be honest. I was in Greenwich Village, and there was like a fire, and the firefighters were going into it.

I was just videotaping it because I was like, I'm not going to help. I mean, what am I going to do? Yeah, what are you doing? And I'm just, some guy had like Martinez on the back of his jacket, and we're like, let's go, Martinez. Yeah. Which is just the dumbest thing.

But he probably has so much hate for you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a fucking punk in the grandin. He's like, my father was Martinez. I just have the jacket. I love a fire. Do you? I do love a fire.

I think they're very hot. Make sure to cut that out. And then put it back in three more times. Please keep that one in there. Yeah, what else is going on, Michael? How are you? There was the, I'm all right. I was reading about that pig,

heart transplant guy. Did you guys hear about that? Whoa. Yeah. Some guy had like a pig heart transplant. Yeah. Uh,

and died. Woo. Yeah. But I, but I read, his last words were, whin. He goes,

is this kosher? Yeah. But apparently it was funny because I was read the article and it was like, yeah, man dies of like pig heart transplant,

which I was like, yeah, they could have guessed going in. It was like the first ever one. Yeah. But I also read they're like, he didn't qualify

for like a regular heart, which has to be so funny that they're like, we don't have a regular heart for you. Big heart? It's never been done before. They can't be like, is that a good idea? They're like, no, you'll be the first one. You have no optimism going into that.

You're like, we're trying this for the first time. Did you read it? Did he, like, live at all? I think he loved it like a month. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'd do it. Yeah? Yeah, you get an extra month.

Sure. I love an extra month. I would love it after he died. They were like, fuck, we put the kidney in. That's where we went all. Meanwhile, there's some pig with his heart now that's... He's just got a job, and he's working in a corporate setting. We've done too much.

Yeah, I've been reading some headlines, too. It was so funny because it was like, you're coming over. You're like, I'm going to be a little late. I'm like, thank God. I have nothing to fucking talk about. I'm like, pig heart, okay, let me jam that in whenever we get dead hair. Like, I was like, I was preparing it the whole podcast. There'll be one moment where if this salad talk gets too slow, I'm throwing this in.

know a guy had a pig heart and then died? What animal would you guys want most to have their heart? Probably like a lion. Just because I don't know because the movies. That's cool. Yeah. And if everyone was ever like, hey,

you're a pussy, you can be like, actually I have the heart of a lion. But no, I won't fight you because you're going to kick my ass. Yeah. I also have an animal's heart in me. What heart?

Starfish. A starfish. A little guy. Why? See if I can survive. See if I get a little sticky. I was going to say, I also picked a little guy.

I was going to say hummingbird. Yeah. Just because they're, their heart be little guy. It's like super, super fast. So I'll get all the blood I need, but it'll just be like a tiny heart. And it'll be like always like... So ever since the surgery, Leland's always so excited.

Always so excited. Hey, guys. Hi. How are you? He's always looking for sugar water. Have you guys seen crank or cranked to? No. No.

And I don't want to. You can't say you don't want to if you have an experience. You're right, Michael. You're right. You're right. That sounded so creepy. It sounded like I was like hitting on like a lesbian or something. You don't know what you're.

missing. Okay. Crank 2 is a great movie. So they're basically these Jason's daily movies. The first one, his heart, like he has this thing

called the Beijing cocktail. It's one of my favorite movie series. They're absurd. But so basically he, I don't know how they get

into him. I didn't inject him. But he wakes up and it's like, oh, his heart's going to die. But he has such a strong heart that he's

fighting the thing. So he has to keep his heart rate going. So he's like doing Coke, shocking himself. And the second one, he has like an electric

heart. So he has to like only electrify himself. Whoa. That's the plot of crank one of Craig 2. I ran out of things to say about it. Crank 1 and Crank 2. That's pretty dope. That's crazy that how did his heart die?

So he got like, so with the first movie, he gets like that injection that like is supposed to kill him. It's like a poison. But he's so strong like he's beating the poison. But he has to keep his heart above a certain rate constantly. Was the injection like a euthanasia? Was he trying to like kill himself? Like why do he get the injection? Because he's like a hit man.

Oh. Yeah. Like literally one of the most fun movies to watch. It's like just because it's constant action because he has to keep his heart going. So he's like banging his girlfriend. in public because he has to, like, get his heart rate going. Just doing these, like, absurd things. Yeah, that's why he was doing it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they catch him, they're like, sir, this is illegal. He's like, no, I, medically. I have to do this. Medically. It says, yeah. A good card. But we played some game where, like, we, we play, like, some, in college, I made some

drinking and drug game where it was just very dangerous. It was like, okay, you do a line of Coke when he says this. You do Adderall when he says this. You take a shot. When you do this, you smoke pot when he does this. Yikes. By the end of it, you're just like, ah! Just like all up and down and all over the place.

That's why it's called crank? Because there's so much speed in the movie? I mean, basically, yeah. Is it really? Well, he does, like, a bunch of coke. I don't think he ever does. Oh, he does, like, medical injections. He has, like, adrenaline or whatever, like, to show.

Oh, yeah. I wonder, because I watched an episode of Euphoria the other day, that new show or whatever, and it's actually two years old. They do a lot of Coke in the movie. I always wonder what, like, what they use in Hollywood. Because, like, you can smoke fake weed. It's just, like, tea leaves. But, like, anything you snort isn't good to snort.

So how do they, what do they snort? I think they just do it anyway. Not Coke, but like they probably snort just like. Like a mucinex or so. Like, Julie, like you can snort mucinex. I've smoked it. I've smoked you muconix. Have you?

I was the last episode, yep. But I was 14. My parents were drug test to me. And I was like, all right. Well, I'm going to get someone I have to smoke mucon X out of a black and mild. Oh, that's. Florida 14. And that's the most Florida 14.

Oh, yeah, yeah. We used to smoke swisher sweet tobacco, the worst tobacco quality in the world. Yeah. If we didn't have weed, we'd load it up in a bubble. bong and smoke swisher sweet. I've done that. Oh, it's nasty. Chah hits is what they're called. Chah hits. Chah hits. I would call them char hits.

I used to like nicotine more. Now it gives me more of a headache. But when I was a kid, I fucking loved just smoking a cigarette and get all lightheaded. Now I don't really get lightheaded from it anymore. But I also, I think I'm sick now from hitting this like over the counter vape I got. I got like some shitty Delta 8 vape. I hit it and I was like, I was hitting some Delta 8 when I was in North Carolina because weeds illegal down there. My buddies had this Delta 8 and Delta 9. And I was hitting it. It's decent.

I don't like weed. They sound like COVID strains. Going back to the heart dying thing, do you guys remember four loco when it was like... Oh, yeah, when it was real. Like a real... Do you remember that, like, they stopped doing it because some kids' heart died?

Yeah. I did drink, like, four in, like, rapid succession, and then just his heart stopped. Wow, what a good time, though. Yeah, right? I always hate to be that guy, but it's, like, whenever one person dies from the ages of 16 to 24,

they just have to make a law. Like, I'm not trying to be a dick, but if somebody had 60 drank a four lucko and died, they'd be like, whatever. But then just like, a kid dies. You know, now they're like, okay, we have to make a new rule. Like, I feel like that's always how it is

in like college town. I mean, I get it a little bit. But like sometimes it's like over the top. Like the four, come on, we can handle the four. Yeah, we can handle it. Yeah, yeah, I agree. I think they should stop making laws in general. Yeah.

No more laws. We have enough. We have enough laws. Stop making more. Do you think we're done? I think we're done. Also, I think we should abolish a bunch of the old ones. Yeah.

I should be an office. I should be an office. So this is your running platform, not specific about the laws. No, whichever ones you need lifted. I'll lift them. Yeah, you know, sex and animals. You know legal. Whoever's got the most money.

And the sex with animals lobby is very big. Yeah. I bet it is. I mean, it's not federally illegal. Well, Louie has a joke about if it were legal. he would have sex with an animal. Would you guys have sex with an animal if he was legal? No, because you could already do that.

I go to Thailand, they have orangutans in whorehouses. True, that's fair. They have orangutans and whorehouses? Yeah. That's crazy. Which is so dangerous. Yeah. Because they have, there's, like, one orangutan.

I'm a... Because they have dreams. Yeah. They have feelings. Yeah. But they get too attached. Yeah. That's so funny.

That's so funny. I'm taking an orangutan heart. To answer the question, I'd take it to rain tan heart, but only one that's getting fucked. He's excited. But they, like, one arm is as strong as, like, three grown men for orangantans.

Yeah, yeah. Imagine that hand job. Yeah, I'm sure. Mighty. Oh, ow, ah. I would love if, like, you got caught with an animal, uh, stayed by your father, and he wasn't angry that it was an animal,

but he was like, what gender was the animal? Yeah, yeah. And you're like, it was amazing some gay or anitans. You go back here You fuck a lady around you You understand You fuck a lady around I ain't having no homo dog fucking son

In my house You take this bitch And fucking There probably is a subsect of society Because if you think about it A lot of people that do fuck animals Don't have progressive views normally Sure

You think there's like Isis for example That was the thing You know they caught the ISIS guy banging the goat What? Yeah there's like drone footage Where they're spying on ISIS

and there was just a guy in a field banging a goat. I mean, their views are like, nah, you can't be gay. He goes, I hope this goat's a virgin. Yeah. Is that a thing? Do you think there's like homophobic pedophiles out there that are like, oh, you make me sick having sex with little boys.

Yeah. I only have sex with little girls. Dude, I bet there are. Well, it's, that's so weird. That's such a wide scope of things pedophiles. I sound like I'm going to say I fucked a kid. I didn't. Yeah.

But, like, that's such a wide, because like, if you think about it, like, I've said this a million times in the pot. I, this comes up so often, and I feel... Pedophilia? It always sounds like I'm defending pedophiles. I'm not trying.

I think it's disgusting. You should not have sex with children. And, I'm not going to say, but. We're on the wrong note already. If that's where we're at, hey, by the way, we don't fuck kids. Like, we went in the wrong direction. I don't endorse it publicly.

But, privately, no. But that's one of those things where it's like, over centuries, like it was totally, acceptable until like 50 years ago. Yeah, I wouldn't say 50. He goes until 8 years ago. Yeah, Obama ruined everything.

But you're woke bullshit. No, well, like, because like Elvis Presley's daughter was like 15 and nobody was like that's disgusting. That was like not that crazy. Well, like, if you want to go younger than 15, which I know you do, in ancient Rome in Greece, you and your disciple or apprentice would fuck.

Yeah, yeah. It's like a real thing. That's not gay, bro. It's learning. That was always the thing. Like Socrates, they were like, yeah, we're learning. They go, but this isn't blacksmithing. It's all part of it. It's all part of it. Because I think that was a thing, like, we were learning about that.

It was like the great Greek minds and stuff like that. They would just, a lot of them were pedophiles. Yeah. They would like say it's, like, I think they thought they got like more knowledge from bang little boys. That's such a funny excuse. No, we're learning from it. We're getting knowledge from it.

You're learning not to trust these. You know, Socrates's most famous line. I think, therefore, I am going to fuck this little boy. Yeah. All right, we got through it. We got through animal fucking and kid fucking. Well, I mean, when you bring up pig hearts, it's bounding it. Founding in the pedophilia.

You go, when you bring up AT&T stores, it's bound to happen. Leeland, how are you doing? I'm doing good, man. Doing real good. Yeah. I like the socks. Thanks. Yeah, what do they say? Funky socks.

I have, these ones have birds on them. You're real quiet when he asked that question about the animal you'd have sex with. Yeah. You didn't say anything about birds. Oh, if I had to pick one? No, I didn't. I said if it was legal, would you? I wouldn't.

But I might try. What? I mean, I wouldn't. What do you mean you might try? You'd like try and pick them up at a bar? I mean, if they're into it. Oh, I love going on this pod because I always say things that I regret later. No, I don't think I would.

Unless the vibe was right. Unless he bought me a drink Yeah Yeah It was so funny Because this is weirdly enough I like Overthought things

On this podcast already And I was like yeah Like that firefighter thing I was saying earlier In my mind I went to I was like I don't want to be homophobic But firefighters are kind of gay

Yeah It was so funny And then 10 seconds later I'm like Yeah you know Fucking kids I'm like No I don't know

The animal thing I don't think I I don't think I I don't think I physically could Because I've never felt attraction No To an animal

You just haven't found The right sexy I've been at all the barns, all the farms. You've ever seen a snake in a bikini? It's the funniest image. It's just one cup in front of it, like, the thong. That'd be so funny, too, on a fashion show because the bottles are always, like, so thin. And then there's just a snake.

They're like, ooh. That always bothers me when I'm like, I don't know why whenever I see fashion shows, I turn into some, like, I'm like, douchebag where I'm like, they're not fucking hot. Okay. The two did for me. I need tits and ass.

I don't know why. I'll be watching football. I'll be like, don't fucking cut. What are you doing? Cut. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they've been playing in the league for 10 years plus 20 years before that. I've never played a game. But for fashion shows, I know it's way more about the style, but I'm like, I don't think she's that hot.

Yeah. You ever seen the fashion show clips where they're like, there's like nudity involved just because that's what the fashion calls for. Is it really? Yeah, they'll be like, they'll have like, wanted out.

And it'll just be like, that's the way the dress is designed. But I saw one recently that was a woman with like this huge brimmed hat, this giant like crazy designed hat. And then nothing else. And just walking down. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't think that's her

going out outfit. I would love to see a fashion show but like a male model and he just has one ball hanging out. Yeah. That would be great. Everyone's like, Dolce and Gabana really changed. this year. Fall winter is crazy.

I think I would have so, I don't know why. I feel like the, if you could put me anywhere in the world, I think a fashion show would be just the one place. I would be the worst possible. You know, I feel like I would fit in the least out of anywhere. I think you could put me on like a yacht with like people that were in tech. I don't know anything about tech, but I think I would find my way around. You could, yeah.

Fashion, I am so, so I'm unfashionable for one. Yeah. And I feel like just the conversations infuriate me. I don't know why. Would you heckle? Would you heckle the fashion? I don't know. It's so funny because whenever I like,

every new fashion, it infuriates me. I don't know why I get so angry. Not because I have like a better idea of it, but I'm just like, why do they gotta have the leather pants now? I don't know why it gets me like genuinely angry. There's nothing to do with me, but I'm like it's so annoying

that people are wearing these clothes I don't like. I was, I also work for a photo booth company. I know. Different one. I was, do you have viewers? I keep looking at the high. And by the way, thank you so much.

I don't make you guys enough. I was working photo booth event one time at a fashion show, and I didn't know what it was for. There was two floors, and the bottom floor I was working, and it was the reception, those food and drink, and then the top floor was the show,

and the show starts, everyone goes upstairs, and I'm, like, hiding behind the photo booth on my phone, hoping, like, just no one talked to me, just no one talked to me. And the lady, my boss, the manager, comes up to me, and she goes, hey, you should come up and watch the show. And I go, I try to get out of it.

I go, no, I'm okay. I think I'm just going to play on my, phone if that's cool. She goes, we'd really like you to come up and watch the show. I was like, okay, I'll come up and while. Meanwhile, I'm dressed horribly. I used to get in trouble all the time. I still do. Like, I don't follow dress code. And so I'm dressing like just jeans and a t-shirt. And I go up, the show is for like a Manhattan brand that's not even like, I don't even know the name. Just a luxury Manhattan brand wedding dresses. They start at like $10,000. And it's all these like people that are in the industry watching and cheering. Oh, oh my God. And then it's me.

in the corner just like sweating I reek of cigarette smoke I'm stoned out of my gourd I'm just like really hungry and shaking I swear to God like the show was over and everyone kind of like stands up to leave and everyone looked at me everyone was like they knew like I didn't belong there

and so I just put on one on the dresses and got the fuck out of you know what I mean Are you sure we're just high because I went to L.A. one time and I don't smoke that much pot I don't really smoke to go to sleep but I smoked a much of pot and I thought everybody I was like L.A's got this weird thing where everybody stares at you city.

And it had nothing to do with my girlfriend was like, no, I've been here for two months. It's literally just you being high thinking. It might have been that actually. Yeah, it might have been. I worked a fashion week thing for the job as well.

Yeah. And it was like this, in this mall, they like built this like, kind of a maze that you walk through. And each room had different like, um, themes of like fashion.

And one of them, they all had their own music too. One of them like was like a Middle Eastern fashion theme. And like, as I was listening to the music, I'm like, that's a bit from a song in Borat. It was literally from the song in Borat. And they played it on repeat as I was working there.

So everyone started to be like, there's Borat songs again. It was like when he's his saddest point, it's like, manna, nah, man, da, man, da, man. And it's like, oh, that's fucking Borat right there. They had no idea either. And then it was like during New York fashion. And that was decided by them. There wasn't like a guy who was on Ox.

It was like, I don't know, they like fucking Borat. Definitely decided by them. Because I'm sure it's some like Kazakhstan-y song. Right. It's like actually well respected. Yeah. Boret actually

Sasha Berra Cohen took and put it in the movie. But they also had like the event like closed one day and they're like, we need you to stay. I was like, why? They're like, we think Chloe Kardashian's going to come. And I was like, okay. And so I waited a couple hours and like, she's here. She's in the building. And she walked through the whole place and then walk straight by my photo booth.

I was like, oh, I didn't need to stay at all. You saw her? You saw her. See, I think that's very cool. I'm not a Kardashian fan, but just seeing someone of that celebrity, I still love it, man. I really love it.

I think it's cool, but I was also thinking about in her mindset, that has to be so weird that, like, you were a superstar to all the women, but most guys are like, yeah, that's got to be a weird thing,

but she's like, yeah, everybody loves me besides kind of like, like, guys like me. She's like, guys with beerbellies, just knowing, you know what I mean? It's like, you're a superstar to everybody besides,

like, I'm still impressed. Like, I'm still impressed. that's Chloe Cardash. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. But in my mind, you're not, like, impressed.

Yeah, you're not, you're not, like, it doesn't do much for you. I would be more uncomfortable talking to, like, a headliner that I don't know very well.

And I'm like, oh, shit, this is fucking so-and-so. I was, I was working at the Javid Center and it was for, I don't remember exactly what it was for, but Cardi B was the main speaker.

And this was a huge, it was a trade show. So there's thousands of people, and Cardi B is two hours late. She was supposed to be there 4 p.m. It is now 6 p.m. And then they hear, like, there's little girls.

There's probably, like, a thousand little girls from New York waiting with their moms and babysitters, mainly babysitters, to hear Cardi B speak at this event. Oh, you know what it was? There was a makeup convention. And the whole panel, the whole panel was about, oh, sorry, yeah. I'm just going to hop in. Yeah, hop in. I love Cardi B. She's badass.

Yeah, yeah. I do, too. This story. But it's also, like, I don't know. I don't think she's for children. I hate to be a person. It's like, I got so mad when people were like, oh, my God, can you believe she drugged guys and robbed them? I'm like, that's cool.

Yeah, that's a gangster rapper. Yeah, yeah. She's not supposed to be four kids. She's not Hannah Montana. Exactly. Yeah, that's why we like her. Yeah, but. Well, no, that's what I was going to.

But then that's weird that also the parents are like, yeah, go. Well, they're there for car. I mean, it's because she was also like 2017. So she was like hot. Like she still is, of course, but she was like hot, hot, hot at the time. She was everywhere. And so they make an announcement. Everybody, Cardi B is here and she does a huge walk through, you know, like the clothes.

Stopped halfway twerks. Yeah. She's wearing a hat that's bigger than her. You know what I mean? With just everything, all the fashion. And she gets on stage, and I love it so much because there's all these moms and they're like looking at her with these bright eyes. And similar to what you said, every question they asked her was along the lines of like,

as a young woman in the world, how can I make sure that nobody steps on me? And how can I make sure that I stand up for my side? And every answer, Cardi B would be like, bro, fuck him. Fuck everybody. Like, every answer. We're just like, cheat, steal, Rob, fuck him. And the parents were just like, we got to go.

That's hilarious. And I was like, oh, she's real. She's fucking real. I love seeing that, man. That's fucking awesome. Shout out, yeah. Shout out of Cardi B one time. She,

if you listen, Cardi, she is. Shout out. See, I like that. It's so annoying when people are like, especially when it comes, like, the genre of, like, gangster rap music. I feel so fucking whites.

Gangs. Genre of Gangster Ram music. Which I love. Like, I'm a big Gucci fan. And it's, like, so funny. I hate when people, though, like, start throwing morals on that. I'm like, no, this is supposed to be.

That's what it is. exciting. Yeah, yeah. You know, Cardi B is short for Cardinal Beyonce. Really? No. All right. That was all I had.

We're going to end it now because of, no. We had 30 minutes. No, we didn't. It's been really fun. Thanks for having me. Yeah, I wasn't actually ending it. No, yeah, but even if you're not, like, truly, it's very, very fun. Yeah, I always had a good time.

Hell yeah. This guy, though. Oh, yeah. I was like that woman in the store. The other thing. Jesus. Jesus. Oh, she.

She wanted it. Speaking of... We were on. Can you imagine if you just fucked after that? She both got your phones fixed. And then she's like, oh, Jesus, you want to go back to my place? That old lady was a bitch, yeah.

I forgot to listen to her. Have you seen that video of the monkey taking a falcon? It's very recent. And just banging it against the thing. Did you search monkey? It's a very cool bit. By the way, this episode's going to come out a month.

It's so, funny because I've recorded like five in a row. Yeah. And I'm only going to do one a week just so I can be lazy with it. Yeah. But it's gonna be so, the shit we're gonna be talking about is gonna be so irrelevant. So dated. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cardi B's dead at that point. Wait, what is a monkey dunking? No, there's a monkey and it grabs a bird. It's a job. I think it's like a falcons it. Yeah. It slams it against the pole. It's on. Midair. Yeah. Yeah. That's sick. It's flying by grabs it. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. I remind me to, I want to see that video after this. That's so cool. Yeah. Everybody will have seen it by now because this will

week from now. So it'll be all over Facebook and stuff. And there'll be differing opinions on it. There'll be certain people that are like, this is badass. There'll be certain people that are like, you shouldn't have posted this video. Of course. And there's some people that are like Team Falcon, people are going to get. Yeah, why? It's not like, it's nature.

You know, it's not like the person, a person handed the bird to the monkey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, this happened. This is like the, what's the thing? The circle of life. Yes. You know, the hawks are born. grabbed by monkeys and slammed against the ground.

It's the mean, it's the way things are. That's what Lion King was about. That's a plot of Lion King. After he held Simba up, he just slammed him onto the ground. That would be a funny Lion King scene. Like, he's just giving his son this, like, nice long speech while he's just eating a chimpanzee. That's still alive, like, half feet. This is how things are, Simba. This is the circle of life.

There can be no other way. Somebody goes, isn't there like a song for this? They just play death grips. In other news, New York rent is increasing. Isn't that crazy? Go back to Hawks, I saw first time I ever went to Washington Square Park. By the way, you took, you were the monkey

and what he just said was the bird. Oh, yeah, absolutely. New York rents increasing. I had a thing I wanted to say. And I said bullshit. Yeah, I was just like anything. Yeah, no, no. We've been friends for a while, so he knows, but just tonally.

if I'm saying anything at all. Yeah, yeah. First time I ever went to Washington Square Park, there was a guy in one of the field parts of it that was trying to like, he had a stick, and there was a hawk nearby. And everyone thought he was like a hawk trainer

or like doing stuff with the hawk. And so people were like cheering and like watching. What had happened was he had a GoPro on his head that the hawk swooped and grabbed off of his head. So he was trying to fish it from underneath the hawk. Everybody thought he was trying to do tricks and shit. So they were like, oh, this is so cool.

He's like, no, no, I'm trying to get my GoPro back. He's like, he's great with that hawk. He's just, yeah. I'll be a great, I bet that tape was great, though. If he gets it back, it would be such a cool. It's just on his head one second and then flying through the air another second. I would love to if he went home and his friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, father, uncle, son, or daughter was like, hey, what do you get into today?

And he goes, he goes, I think I'm a hawk trainer now. And they go, why are you missing all your limbs? And he goes, that's why I think I'm a hawk trainer now. yeah it's I'm not even just trying to disguise I just had nothing to rip on that way yeah so like

New York rent prices are getting pretty high you're getting so high you know what I saw I'm begging you to bring it up again I saw an article title I didn't read it just saw it because that's that is the way of things that you just see an article title

and you're like huh that's interesting information I have no backing research if an article is being I was supposed to say pessimistic If an article is being mystic and cryptic and being like, you got to click on this to see. Fuck you and your whole news. Like, I don't tell me what the thing is. Just tell me what the vaccine gives you AIDS.

Yeah, yeah. I'll believe it. I'll believe it. That's my thought now. I would love to just like start like giving speeches at high schools and be like, I was recently diagnosed with HIV. It was for one of my friends who told me it was in the COVID vaccine. But the whole school thinks I am like an AIDS survivor and I'm just like, I have the whole lead up. Wait, I don't think this guy actually has it.

It's hard. Every day, I'm like, I have it. And I'm just thinking about it. I get colds a lot. I'm thinking other things are that. The thing that I read was there was a lot of people considering doing only fans to make their New York City rent. I'm about it. Not about doing it, but I'm about more people I know doing it.

Yeah. Yeah. I want more options. I want my friends and family. I mean, friends to do it. I want my pets to do it. do it. We made it back.

We made it back. Full circle. Hell yeah. Full circle. Just grabs a hawk. I'm subscribed to this cat on only. Didn't it start out for artists? I think it started out for like musicians and people were like,

that's how everything starts and it's like we could be sexual on here. Let's be sexual on here. Oh yeah, 100% yeah. I've never done it. I've never paid for porn in my life. Not a brag. I've watched tons of it, but I never paid for it. I've never needed to.

I've never got to. virus? When I was yeah when I was like 1415 my first laptop got virus my dad he's taking care of my computer and he obviously knows and he goes just be careful about like sketchy websites and I was like

because you listed four websites to go to he's like X hub perfect porn hub good he did he literally did he goes I know what you're doing just use these two and it was porn hub and I think like red tube he told me just like ebony.com

I know what I'm Man I feel like that virus Is a form of paying For pornography It's like you ended up paying Well I was so dumb I might have even been younger

Because I'm so young I was so young that I believed It was one of those viruses Where they were like hey We have all your information You have to pay us Or else well whatever We've signed it to a Saudi Arabian prince

I did about that last I just I believed the virus And so the first thing my dad did was like, hey, first off, they don't have any of your information. And I was like, oh, thank God. He was like, you're not in any trouble. But I know how this happened. And I can help you for it to not happen again.

Because I'll tell me what it is. He put some lotion on his hands. You don't need this anymore. What it was is he didn't want to spend the money on a new computer. That's all. He was being the most dad, dad in the way that he was just like, listen, watch porn. Just don't fucking make me spend more on you. You know what I mean?

I also get that because I had this. This laptop, it was like a laptop that was like somewhere deep in a closet. And I just used it as my porn laptop. It was gay. What's up? It was gay. It was gay. Deep in a closet.

Okay. Took me a second. Happy to be here. But I remember I like, my dad just brought it downstairs one time and just open it. I was like, no, do not touch it. It was like only like there was nothing on it besides just porn. But I had a dream about that last night. I dreamed somebody at one of those hackers was like, hey, I'm going to release all of

your internet history if you don't give me like $1,000. And I was like, fucking release that shit. you fucking pussy, you won't. Because it's like, I want to be proud. I think that's the only way to deal with that situation. You know, I heard some crazy thing. Some people have this thing where they can hack your webcam and catch you jerking off.

And then they'll be like, I'm releasing this. Well, that was an episode of Black Mirror. Yeah. He doesn't get a shot for something? He gets arrested. Did you ever find out what that laptop was for in the closet? What if it was just my dad's before? Or if your dad's like, yeah, so this is what we recorded

our wedding on. I love the idea of a wedding photographer just holding a laptop. Yeah. It's just got a webcam on top of it. I was, I, Spotify went down the other day, and I,

like, I love Spotify. And I'm so paranoid. It went down. It wouldn't let me log in. My first thought is they have everything of mine always. Someone has all of my information always now. And I look it up,

and the Google Chrome is like, hey, no, it's just down. Relax. Like, it's, you were, you got,

like, kicked off. Like, Facebook didn't work one time. And I was like, oh, wow, it looks like I'm banned from Facebook.

because it's something I did. Yeah. What happened. Yeah. You always think it's something... Because it always is. It's always in. You always think it's always...

It's always, oh, I did something wrong here. Yeah. I had a... Got me phone or something. Yeah, you told that at the beginning. Oh, I just want to make sure. There was this lady at the phone store. Yeah.

Did that happen? I had this thought. Do you guys like local businesses? Yeah. Yes and no. Plus, can we talk about them? Can I say my point, quick. I don't have long-winded. I can't keep supporting local businesses because they are always mean to me. I swear to God. I go into a local, they go into a local Gregory's Beard coffee. I go in there and immediately they sigh. They just don't want me in there. Well, they have coffee shops too.

Any, any pretentious at coffee shops, especially, fair, especially the hipster ones. And so I go and then I go, could I please have an iced coffee with with oat milk? And they go, that'll be 1855. And I go, $18, you go, okay, I was small. They go, that'll be 20, it's more for the small. What? They just, they charge you so much. And then they, I look at what they're pouring me, and it's from this jug, and then they're, like, coming in it and shitting on me while I'm waiting.

And I just, and then I go to Starbucks. That's why it's so expensive. That's why he's coming in. For a sex coffee. Yeah, two deeds to you. Sex coffee, go, sex coffee. And I go to Starbucks, and they're nice to me. They ask me my name for the order, but they ask for my name.

There's always an excited gay black guy there. Yes, it's my favorite. Yes, it's my favorite. We get each other's Instagram. We hang out. We go clubbing or whatever we do, and we meet up in Brooklyn. And that's why I can't keep supporting local because they always make me feel bad when I'm in there. Every time I go to a small business, I support, they overcharge me.

They make me feel bad. And then I walk out there, I take one sip of the coffee, and it's the worst coffee I've ever had in my life. And this isn't even just coffee shops, like local food stores, like a little camera shop, a little thrift store. Every time I'm in there, I get nothing but attitude and sass. And they act like I shouldn't be there. I asked a question. They don't look up from their phone. You know what it is?

And I go to a major brand and they're nothing but nice to me. Well, it's because, like, I think what happens is like, I think there's so many corporate rules at those places. So they're like, we have a code of conduct. We have to be a thousand rules. So you go to, like, fucking target and they're like, we can't fuck this up. We have like a thousand policies that we have to do correctly. Yeah.

Remember earlier when I was saying I have a hittable face. Those rules protect those. Protect me. Protect me from employees being mean to me. Yeah, because like if their boss is like their uncle, they're like, this guy was being a fucking dickhead. Exactly. And their boss is like, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah. Like, they all hate me. But if I go into like a target, they're like, well, we have to be nice to where we lose our job. I'm like, yes. You do. Yes, that's how I like it. I'm a monster. Man.

Yeah, but I mean, like local businesses you get, it's just something different. Worse? Sometimes. Do you mean worse? No, the product is different. There's, there's, I'm not saying the experience. The experience is maybe worse for you, but. But the product, I, I, I, um,

also like I'll get a coffee. I always keep going on this coffee, but I'll get a thing from a small plate and it's never it's like bad. It's just never, it's usually bad. Some are great, but like there's a lot of, yeah. I hate to. No, no, no. Please, no, I had nothing. I just, I don't know why I'll forget this way. There's this, uh, local business is a, uh, what's called like a hardware store around the corner. Yeah. And they're always annoying there. It's two, two old gay guys who own it. Because I used to live a block away from you. Wait, that one right there on the

right? On 13, you take a left. Or I, right, in between 13 and 14 by the jewelry store. Man. Right on the corner. I sure hope we put a a map graphic. No, I truly. I used to go there. I used to go there. Okay, maybe it's that one,

but I walked in there the other day. It was so funny because there's just this woman sitting in a lawn chair. Yeah. And I go, hey, do you know where I could get like somebody to unclog my drain? Yeah. She doesn't answer.

I'm like, do you know where I could get something to unclogged my drain? Yeah. She's staring at me. And this guy, she walks up and goes, she's fucking deaf. And it's just so funny. But I'm just, maybe don't put her

at the front of the store there because I'm just, I'm trying to communicate with it. I look like such an idiot. Because I'm like, hello. I'm like waiting for her to respond. She's just staring at me. Like, this woman's rude as fuck. In my mind, I'm like, I'm talking to your face.

Why aren't you talking back? And then the guy's just like... I like your point, though. Don't put her in the front of the store. I don't know about that. Like, put all the disabled people in the back of the store. He gets a wall. She's looking at paint.

We want the perfects to be at the front. That sounds so derogatory. The perfects. It sounds like a cast system. Oh, man. Yeah, stop supporting small businesses, folks. I like that angle. Big business solely.

I think the biggest, like, the most small businesses I go to are, like, food, like restaurants and stuff. And I feel like, by and large, mostly better than chains. I would say for restaurants, I love a small restaurant. Love a small restaurant. I mainly coffee shops and a video game store I went to the other day. They gave me a lot of toad, and they overcharged me for a thing. I could see retail small business. Retail small is tough because they have to stay alive and they're dying.

So, of course, they have attitude because they're dying. And of course, they overcharge because they're dying. I get how it works, but I don't want to play the part of the guy who goes in there and gets bullied. Yeah. Yeah, especially with this, with my fragility. Sounds like people really just fucking you up left and right. It's tough out here, Michael. It's tough being me, dude.

People try to fight me on the daily. Really? Yeah, truly, yeah. The face thing was true. People love, like, people love to, like, yell shit at me. I was telling Leland, I was walking over here, and this lady comes up behind me, and she goes, you weren't a diaper? I was like, no.

People just love to shout shit at me. Yeah, well, you walked up and that guy started saying you to do it. Yes. Yeah, I get a lot too, but I guess not as much as you because I think you get it all the time. I have a people, I have a fan, and I'm not just, this always comes off as sad.

I love my life to death. I wouldn't want any other life. But I have a face and a body where people go, oh, I can take my day out on him. I swear to God. People go, oh, I can take my anger out on him. Some people have it the other way. I just people that are like yoked.

Yeah, they keep people pick fights to them because some people want to fight a tough guy. Yes, to prove themselves. I'm not saying you're not... I'm very skinny. I have no muscle. Why do I keep... You can tell, I have no muscle.

Yeah, I have no way. I don't work out. I shouldn't have muscle. You're a fucking push next to you. No, but it's like, yeah, it's like weird that both sides of the spectrum. People that can get their ass, people that don't. But I'm in between. So people are like, could...

I don't know. That's a... Yeah, you could be fat. Yeah, you're safe. Well, that's all my other friend, like, all my... A lot of my friends, like, they're in the middle somewhere. And so no one messes with them. But if you're super skinny and people go, I could win.

or if you're super big, people go, I want to prove myself against that guy. So my goal is to get even skinnier to where it's a hate crime if you beat me up. You're like, I can't beat up that guy that just got him a concentration camp. I have had people take pity on me where I can see they like, like someone like wants to beat me up. And then they just go, his eyes are so sad. We can't. We can't make his day worse. Yeah.

Yeah. So it'd be funny you get to fight somebody. He goes, you're really going to fight a blind guy? You just say that to the guy. immediately he's like, oh shit, I guess not. And then you like, can that be a stolen valor? Well, my move is someone tries to fight me is I'll get, I'll be like, I'll fucking kiss you, dude. I'll fucking kiss you right now.

And they're always like, oh, oh, my God. And then I win and lose at the same time. I'm surprised that actually works. I've heard of that. I've heard of people doing that, but I didn't know it actually like will work. I've done it a few times where you just go absurd with it. I'll be, I fucking love you, dude. I fucking love you to death, my guy.

And like, that, like, they'll be like, okay, you're weird. I don't, I just don't want to be around you. I feel like I've always wanted to just like have someone try and start you with me and just like scream or just do something that makes me look insane Yep

And then have to be like oh fuck I'm not dealing with this guy I tried that recently Worked horribly Really? So I was outside of bar I've already explained the story But I was drunk

It was after the funeral And this guy came up to my black friend Was like what's some my own word And we're like what did you say He's like what's just fight him off that Because I'm like okay Maybe he's trying to be cool But then he didn't know this guy

No He goes what are you guys gonna do about it and we're like, we're gonna kick here. There's like five of us. We're angry about the funeral. I had nothing to do with this guy. Was he a white guy? Yeah.

Oh, I was saying it. Okay. But also, if he wasn't, like, my thing was less about what he said, because I'm like,

I'm not gonna be like, hey, you can't talk. You know what I mean? I'm like, it's his decision to be angry about it. But more about it. But more about it. He was trying to provoke about it.

Yeah. Yeah. Because it's like, if he was trying to be cool and we're like, come on, dude, you can't fucking say that. It would be one thing, but he was like, yeah, what do you guys can do about it?

And then we're like, there's like six of us. And I take a glass bottle. This is very regretful. I walk away from the guy because I'm like, I'm just trying to make a scene. I wasn't actually going to threaten him with a glass bottle. And I slam it against the table. Doesn't break. Three times in a row.

The guy just looks, everybody's staring at me. And I just go, and it doesn't work. And that he tackles my friend. We all fought him. And like, yeah. You guys win? Yeah. I mean, there's like set.

We just beat the shit out of this guy. Yeah. The dad part was like, we're like, we're punching him. I'm like, this isn't even about you, really. We're just mad because our friend died. This podcast is so brutal. And somebody goes, me and my friend here, Leland, have a podcast, and we just do silly voices and find out inventions.

What about a dog map? A map of all the dogs in the world. Great plug. I jumped the guy. Great plug, thanks. But the funny part, I wrote the next day I'm looking up glass bottles. I'm like, kind of givols are thicker, right? That's why I didn't break.

I'm never trying to research something so much. Was this thing imported? But it's also like, thank God. Because I'm not the type of person to do that at all. It was just like the probably lowest point of my life where I try to like, yeah. The bar dinner comes up to you.

He goes, you want another drink? You go, yeah, give me your fragilist beer. Your weakest beer. Because I mean, glass wasn't like, isn't like meant to be broken. Have you ever seen pictures like videos? Thank you. You're on my side with this. Yeah.

Have you ever seen videos of people trying to like, between the people trying to like break car windows of like, it'll be like a disgruntled ex-girlfriend or something. It just won't for a second. Like on top of it trying to stomp it in and it just won't break. Yeah. It's wild. Thank you.

So I get it. I can see that it wouldn't break right away. But it is awesome that it didn't because I don't even know what I would have done from there. I would just probably further back. You stab a guy? I was, I was wanting to show him we're crazy. Oh, yeah. I was trying to do your move.

Like I would never actually. If it broke, I wasn't going to be like, hey, get out of here. I wanted him to hear the glass breaking and like run away or something. Break the glass and then like cut her own neck a little bit. Ha! Yeah, it was the craziest thing I've ever tried to do, but it's just thank God that Heineken makes thicker beer glass, which I haven't found evidence for, but it's true. Also, thank God he didn't just like pull out his own knife for gun. Yeah, yeah, clearly he's crazy. He's going up to random black guys and calling them the N-word.

Was he like ex-military? Like, who was this guy? No, he was like, my thing with this guy is most annoying face. I'm sorry, Charlie. Your guy with annoy. Apparently you are. Yeah, I am. So- Was it more than mine, or? Your face is not annoying. Thanks, Michael. That's why I came here. What I'm saying is, I feel bad because my thing was this guy's face was so annoying. Sure.

You have to deal with the other side of that. Yeah. So that's why I was talking. I always, it's also, I'll say this. And this is just little complaints again. I really love my life. But if I go to a new bar where I don't know the bartenders, because I love bartenders. I'm really good with bartenders.

I'm a tip well. And we usually have a rapport. And we work in comedy clubs and I know most bartenders in New York. If I go to a new bar, they hate me. Everything. They'll underpour. pour me. They'll check my ID and claim it's fake. Um, they'll not clean my area. Like, it'll be disgusting where I sit down. They'll just objectively knock on. I'll, I'll sit there waiting

for a drink and they'll sit on their phone. Look up, see me. Go back on their phone. Bartenders don't like me and, uh, bouncers don't like me. It's just the face, man. And I, I, I'm blessed with this amazing body and metabolism. So I guess this is my curse is the face, you know? I mean, I can even out some way. It does, man. I could eat, I could eat McDonald's three times a day and not gain weight. I have that blessed. I have that bless. I have that privilege. I smoke a pack a day and I can run a mile. I feel no, I don't get winded.

I hit a Delta 8 vape and I've been sick for like a week now. You see, I was, when I was in a moment, I hit it, I finished a whole cart in three days of Delta A. And you're fine, but I get the face. Maybe they think you're younger, they think you snuck in and maybe they're mad about that? People think I'm going to be a different person than I am. And I get it. People think I'm going to be either shitty frat guy or shitty tech bro. And I completely get it because I have the North Face and I have the like the, like,

what are these, banana republic pants in the van shoes. And then you get to talking to me and you go, oh, he's a fucking idiot who does he get goofball. You know what I mean? And I'm glad that that's where I'm at with a lot of bartenders now because there are bars where I can go and be treated really well.

And they pour me the correct amount of alcohol and they don't overcharge me. There's one bartender one time I went to a place. I got a beer and a shot, a beer and a shot of well whiskey. How much should that be? $8 to $12, $12 on the high side, eight on the regular side. I get beer and a shot,

one more shot. Total should be no more than 20 bucks. This man tries to charge me $56. Jesus. And I go, hey man, this isn't right. And he goes, no, that's the owner sets the prices. And I go, I use this argument, which is this is the first and only time it's ever works. He goes, he goes, that the owner sets price. I go, man, I've been to bars. I'm not a child. I bought three drinks. It's not $56. And he goes, well, how much do you think it should be? And I go, no more than 30. And he charged me 30. That's so weird he caved like that He caved Wow

You haggled Because the guy next to you could be like You know what I think my beer is $3 That could have started Like a whole movement That he wasn't prepared for But he agreed to it

What annoyed me was that he was so adamant On the owner's sense of prices And then I go But this is how much it shouldn't be Any more than this And he goes, alright I guess you're right It was like

So you didn't You could have charged me anything Oh yeah He's shot of scam Yeah Yeah I don't do not I know it's just like well

And like a shitty beer Two well whiskey shots And a shitty beer it should have not even been 30. I didn't tip, of course. Fuck that guy. There's no reason I should have tipped. It should have been no more than 20.

Even if he had said 25, I've been like, I'll leave him four bucks and I guess it's an expensive bar. It wasn't a club. There's clubs in New York where you're paying $30 for Bud Light. It wasn't that. It was a die bar in Ridgewood. It should not have been that much. And he hits me with a $56 bill.

I was like, no, the fuck, no, dude. And that's what this face gets me. But again, dude, all the McFlurries I want, all the 10-piece nuggets. I want, all the double cheese burgers I want. And so... Now, do you ever go into McDonald's

and get two McFlurries and a double cheeseburger and they slap you with a $50 bill? Yeah, I still buy it. And they're like, I'm sorry, the owners that's surprising. And they just point to a picture of Ronald McDonald's.

That would be amazing if you had the manager picture is just Ronald McDonald's. Employee of the month, Ronald McDonald's. It used to be the hamburger. but he kept stealing. We had to let him go.

Why'd they keep the hamburger on the team for so long? He was obviously the thief. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe he was like, maybe was someone's cousin or something. He was Ronald's wife's kid. And that's why he was stealing.

He's like, getting back at his stepdad. Fuck you, dad. Take your burgers. Who are the other McDonald's characters? Grimis? It wasn't it grimmis? I thought you said Chris. You know, Chris.

Chris was the guy that just put the fries down. No makeup on. Just a normal guy. McDonald's employing. Yeah. Grimmis. Grimmis. That was a grimace.

Yeah. The count chocula was... No. Nope. That was a cereal. Yeah. Can we go back to fucking animals? I know more about that.

Wasn't there like a hamburger and a... female hamburger too? I hope so. How old are you going to make more hamburger? They just make them fuck constantly in the back. We got another Big Mac. We're so tired.

You better fuck for that. I'm going to watch this time. Here's some more Mac sauce and louvre it up. I know Mrs. Burger's not getting wet anymore. Jesus Christ. I like

how you did the gross bit, responded to you as the voice of recent. Immediately. You take that, you bitch. Ew. We have both in us. Inside us are two wolves. Yeah, definitely.

Because I, I mean, you go for it. And then you're like, after it's like, what the fuck am I saying? Yeah, when you, I already regret when you guys are like, would you fucking ammo? And I tried to do the maybe bit. And then right after I was like, come on, man.

You probably thought of the last 30 minutes. There's the things, I'll have an episode. I'll say something in the first three minutes. I won't let go of it. The whole episode of it, I got to clarify that so you guys don't think that I hate Japanese people. Oh, man. Wouldn't the mac sauce be the cum?

It wouldn't be the lube. Oh, yeah. Max sauce would be the cum. Maybe just grease. Catchup and mustard for lube. Catch up and mustard. Yeah. Glad we got to the bottom of the show.

Oh, how much you bet there's McDonald's character fan fiction? Can you look that up real quick? I just got a new phone. I don't think I want my first search. My dad texts me, hey, how's the new phone? Good. good, please don't look into it further. Those Harry Potter ones are awesome.

You tell us about them. I've looked at it. They're hilarious. Wait, the sex ones? The sex ones are just regular fan-fish? The sex ones. They're just like, yes. I don't say that like it was implied. I haven't gotten that far into it. But I'm not even into Harry Potter.

I just, somebody told me about it. I'm like, this is a very funny thing. It's just very deep on it. There's so much of it. Baltimore would probably be really good at eating ass because he has no nose. So he's right. He's in there.

He's in there heavy. So if anyone's ever like, Have you read Harry Potter? You're like, not the kind you've read. Just watch the movies. This is so fucking boring. There's like one kissing scene in the sixth movie. You're like, is this?

God damn it. That was it. That would be a hilarious prank to get somebody a Harry Potter book and then just midway through, just kind of like print in. If you could somehow, like, laminate in. Yeah. And they're like, they have a fucking book report. They're like, Jesus Christ.

God, it really took a turn when they got into this chamber of secrets. Sorcercerer's bone. Hey, hey, don't say that reluctantly. I guess the secret was Harry's a bottom. Man, Hagrid. I got to be a... I always thought that he couldn't be on... Nobody explained this to me.

So I thought he wasn't allowed on Hogwarts campus, and that's why he lived off of it. Harry? He explained he just Haggard or Haggard. Haggard? No, he lived on campus. campus. Yeah. Or a little bit of you're right,

a little bit of the shed off. But there was a weird version of me that, like, thought he was like creepy in the sense because I was like, oh,

he, I don't know where I got in my head that he was banned from the campus. And the kids don't just go into the woods. This lady creates a fictional magical universe where really, virtually anything's possible. And she goes,

we're going to throw a pedophile in there. So I thought he's a good groundskeeper, but the whole time I'm watching, I'm like, don't trust him. I thought there was going to be something where we're, there's going to be a message of stranger danger.

You're yelling at the TV. Yeah. You know when you're like, I'm like nine movies in. I'm like, I still don't trust that guy. At one point, Hagrid goes, hey, Harry, you know that invisibility cape? Do you mind if I borrow it for a little bit? He's just like, he's like a super senior, you know? You're in the dorms for the first couple of years.

And then you get a house off campus. And he just never finished. He's still going to classes. Oh, I love it. There's a scene where like Harry and Ron, all the kids are like in the lockers. I don't know how they do bathrooms at Hogwarts. And Hagrid's so big that the invisibility cape only covers like his right shoulder. But he still thinks he's tired of him.

Like, Haggard, we see you. We see you right now. What was those? Wasn't there those screaming Mimi plants? Yeah. Yeah. Imagine someone just sticks her dick in that. Shut it up.

Mowing Mertil is definitely given a blumpkin at some point. Yeah. She lives in the bathroom. Yeah. It's the guy's bathroom, right? Yeah, and she was hot for Harry, too. She was hot for her. That scene where she's, like, floating around and he's in the bath or whatever,

she's trying to get it. Yeah, yeah. I wonder if he was like, all right, you're a ghost, we can try it. It's not gonna work. Is that necrophilia?

I mean, is that, if you fuck a ghost, is that necrophilia? Yeah. I think so. I'll say yeah. We'll say yeah.

I was at a graveyard recently, and why? We're just covered. Well, because my friends die. Oh, shit. Sorry,

I thought you were saying. But I was so nervous in the graveyard, and I'm like, the fact people go here and do things to dead bodies is crazy because I'm scared

of visiting somebody I love just to put flowers on there. I'm like, it's a graveyard at night. This is so spooky. Yeah. And somebody has the courage, dare I say. Just go there and do that.

That's terrifying. I think a horniness can lead you to doing anything. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're horny enough to do that. That guy goes to bed and he goes, that's not going to haunt me. After going to a graveyard. That's funny.

That's terrifying. Yeah, you're like, someone's like, do you believe in ghosts? Like, I do until I'm horny. Yeah. That does it better. They don't exist. Remind me after the pod, I'll tell you the worst sexual thing I've ever heard, like, sexual act. I don't want to say it on there.

That's fair. That's fair, yeah. I'll tell you, like a North Carolina Fudge Rocket or something. It's called munging. Can I tell you the worst sexual thing I've ever heard? If you want to do it on air right now. Two people at one point,

man and woman had sex before marriage. Oh, that is pretty nasty. You're not awful? I'll cut it. I'm going to cut that out. I was going to wrap it up somewhat soon, though, because... Yeah, how long...

We have no limit. I feel bad. Do you guys have to be anywhere? I mean, I don't... No, I'm getting a little hungry. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But other than that...

Oh, there's also a halal place right around here. Samis. Nice. Two small business for me. I fuck with Sammy's heavy, dude. You know why? Because they don't judge me when I come in. I go no hot sauce.

It's too hot for my white little lips. And they go, okay. They go, okay, yes, sir. And we can end it there. What do you guys want to promote? Oh, me and my good friend over here right now, right here, Leland Long, we have a podcast. Leland, tell him the info.

So it's a podcast all about inventions. It's called The Idiot's Catalog. Every week we come together and just talk about inventions ideas and really just break them down. And it's really dumb and fun. You can find us anywhere you watch. Watch, listen to podcasts. Soon watch. The Idiots Catalog is what it's called.

We're also on Twitter and Instagram at Idiots Catalog. Catalog. Yep. At Idiots Catalog. Follow me on Twitter and Instagram at Charlie D. comedy. Follow me at Instagram and TikTok at Leeland

Comedy. It's gonna be the same videos though. Yeah. It's gonna be exactly. I have to talk. It's a dog shit. It's all my ideas are just like, I think they're funny, but they get like 10 views. Oh, that was, dude, that was me. I posted one today. It was like Batman's parents getting murdered. And you can get murked by Goosey J's playing. Yeah. And just like, boom, just play Ging's so funny. Nobody likes it. I love that.

Yeah. I was like, this is funny. I, I, there's a part of me that I'm like, I shouldn't post this because nobody else thinks it. I, I send things to a couple people. I'm like, hey, you know, like, what do you think of this? Nobody liked it. And I was like, I believe this. And I'm posting it. You know why the people didn't like it? Because you're not a 14 year old dancing. That's why it's a good point. That's it. But yeah, and these guys are both fucking hilarious comics. Very funny both you guys. So if you're in New York and you want to follow them on Instagram, I'm sure they post. Oh, yeah. Post shows. Thanks so much, Michael.

Yeah. Thanks, man. It was a lot of fun. Yeah, at the last.