Morning Good - It Takes a Village - Episode 109

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

Thanks to Jess and Paddy for coming back on the show. Make sure to check both of them out for more funny stuff and take a look back at some of their earlier appearances on the show, which are all funny.Jess is on Instagram @jlevcomedy and is headlining in South Carolina in September, so follow her for more info if you live down there. Paddy is on Instagram as well @paddy_is_funky. He also would like you to check out his new blog at pink-brains.com.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. All right. We're here with Jess Levin and Patty DeFino. Yeah. Word. And Jess is saying that she thinks everybody with autism should be jailed. No, that was, that was, no.

you see, this is just clipbait shit. Imagine sending everyone to autism for jail and instead of a sentence they're given like a 14,000 piece puzzle. Yeah, that's just how they they can't leave until they finish the puzzle, right? Or someone has to stare straight at them and they have to look at them in the eye.

Oh, that's their punishment. The whole entire time. Your sentence is 13. Yeah, 13 seconds of solid eye contact. They have to watch trains just being destroyed in front of them. Oh, that'd be the worst. Also, I got to build my

stereotypes with autism because I don't have enough to well-routedly joke about it. You know when you make jokes about something you're like I'm just going to the easy thing. It's like I need the... Right, low-hanging fruit. Yeah. Yes. You know, maybe punching down. But no, but you have to be creative if you're, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, no, totally. Yeah. I think about that a lot. It started with like Andrew Tate though because we're talking about him. Yeah, somebody did Tate. I didn't know he's autistic. I didn't know he's

autistic. Oh, I don't know either. I don't know. I mean, but I feel like there's a lot of assholes out there. They're like, oh, I'm just autistic. It's like, no, you're just an asshole. Yeah, yeah, because it is a spectrum. It's a spectrum. There's also, you could have, be barely disabled in that sense, and then just be a total dick. And there's also a lot of, like, mentally delayed, I won't say retarded people.

You just said it afterwards. Exactly. That are pricks. Yeah, yeah. Most of the males that are, they're, like, I have a sister. Also, delayed is funny because that implies that at some point they're going to become genius. There's no good word. This is what goes to me about the word retard. I have a sister. All right? She's beautiful. She's sweetest little thing

on the planet, right? she is um and i use the word retard when i do a joke even when talking about someone else it's saying it and there's people out there they're like dan you it's like first off you don't even know anyone right is your sister is mentally challenged she's mentally yeah she's retarded like she's with what i don't know what it's called it's just like it's not like there's no like she's not she's not down she's not yeah there's that not it's just like she's just been she has i forget the actual diagnosis but this is like i mean she was born in the seven So I mean, I mean, the state of Jersey that I was retired at one point because I couldn't remember the color red and they put me in a special needs class.

Oh, dang. Yeah, for a long time. I mean, yeah. That's so when you're colorblind and they think it. That's like a way different thing. It is interesting how they clump it all together though because like you can have, I know a lot of people with other mental disabilities also have autism. Right. But also you can have autism and then be a savant.

Right. Of course. So it's like, you know what I mean? It's like having brown hair. It's like you get a brown hair and also. Yeah. It's like because if you are unintelligent, you all. so won't have social skills.

It's like when people take a 23 and me and they're like, I'm 2% black. You don't get to say the N word. That's like autism. They're like, well, I have, you know, I can remember every president. It's like, all right, you're just a nerd. Nerd. You're not autistic.

Exactly. I don't know where we're going with that. Your sister. Oh, yeah, but I just get annoyed. Wait, how old is she? She's, how old am I? She's, I guess, 46.

Okay. So 13 and autism years? In autism No, in retarded years would be She's like in her Is that they the ones counting the years? Because then it's going to be off. Who decides the years?

It's reverse dog years. I think it's 20s, I think. I don't really know because we don't do like tests or shit. Like she's funny actually. She's just like she's one of those people's like She'll come out, she'll hang out And she'd be like, all right, I got enough social interaction. And then she'll be like, I'm going to my room now,

leave me the fuck alone kind of a thing. Yeah, yeah. She's, you know what I mean? She just likes to be in her own little world. And it's like fun. Do you think she's having a good time for the most part? I think for the most part she's having a ball, dude. Yeah.

That makes me so happy. I know. Yeah, me too. She's having a ball. I saw one, like I used to work at Tower 7 and there was a Starbucks by me. Is that like a building that we didn't know about? It was one of the World Trade ones that fell down. But they, it's the one people were surprised it collapsed like unexpectedly.

Because like a plane didn't hit it, but then it fell down. Everybody's like, come on. Control a demolition. But there was this dude I remember he had down syndrome And he had goggles on and he worked at the Starbucks And I was just like But he looked like he's having so much fun

And that just cheers me Yeah you don't give a fuck And that's what makes other people uncomfortable Yeah It's not them with the problem It's other people that are like Don't think it's like you're the one with the problem Right

He was probably so he was probably so excited Every time someone asked for whipped cream on their Yeah I just eat the whole can It's like yeah Exactly man Seriously Obviously, but that's just, it, and there's a joy there.

And, you know, but that's the thing, though, is people are scared of it. So then they're like, eh, and like anything in that era that we're in, we have to put, like, a brand to it or whatever, an identity to it. Yeah, yeah, because I think a lot of people, yeah, because if you joke about something, people, like, that means you hate that thing. But I was like, I genuinely love disabled people. I know it's fucked up, but it's like, no, it's like, they're awesome. They're awesome because they are who they are. Yeah, it's fucked up. You know, it's not fun to hang out with fucking smart people.

They fucking blow up, dude. Like, yeah, not even smart. I think the worst people are people that are like, I got to say like the 90s Democrat people. They're just the worst. You mean like a like a Bill Maher type? Yeah, like Bill Maher like just like shut up. Yeah, yeah.

The ones that like they go to theater, they read the New Yorker. They think that they're like. Pretentiousness is the most annoying thing to me. Like I go to theater. I'm a theater nerd. I did a lot of theater. I whatever. But you're not out here telling people.

I'm probably hooked up with a dude that now is gay probably. I'm full on theater. Yeah. But that is his theater as it gets. That's the test. That's the test. You know what I mean? And I just,

I saw go and it's like, I'm around these people that are just like, I can tell they're like, you know, Hillary and they're really upset about it. You know what I mean? And there's just like, and there's such a level of insecurity.

Yes. I know you constantly feel like you have to impress me. Right. By the way you talk. And it's like, you're like, that's why I have a friend who's a genius, like very smart.

Word. Like, like I remember so funny because he like made a perfect score on his SAT and he would like do coke high schools. He would be so mad at him because he's this kid's fucking around and he's still making these great grades. But I remember like he was, because we make wild jokes with him and he's still laughing him.

And that's how you know you're like, all right, you don't have to be. This guy's scientifically proven to be a smart guy and still a fun guy to be around. I think those people actually aren't that smart. I think like that's their avenue to try to seem smart. Again, insecurity. I think it's their insecure as shit. I think a lot of comics are very smart, but just they don't need that kind of, like the way they portray how they're smart

is they understand the nuances and conversation and that kind of thing. Like a lot, so many comics I know, like they seem like dumbasses. But like the way they navigate bits, I'm like, that's a very, very smart, like intelligent way to talk about how, you know, having sex with a monkey is totally fine if he's

given an HIV test. I don't know, like Andrew Harms. You know, Andrew? Fucking awesome, dude. I love that dude. And he'll just sit there, he'll just be in his own world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking love that kid, I mean, to be fair, like, comics that are on the spectrum

are usually fucking hilarious. They see things. Like, he has a bit about, I mean, I don't know. But he was working on a bit what I saw him. He was talking about, like, when people come to tell him to come eight-ish to a party. And he's like, what the fuck does that mean?

Which is so true. I was like, oh, man, I never thought, you know, something so simple, that, you know what I mean? So, what? Okay, cool. So, yeah, so I don't know where we're going with.

But, yeah, I just, those people annoy the shit out of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I even, like, I went to one show. I saw American Buffalo, and it was awesome. American Buffalo, it's a play. David Mamet wrote it's really good, but Lawrence Fishburn was in it. Did David Mamet do Waiting for Godot? No, that was back in.

What did, what did? I took a play class in college. You took a play class. I like that. I took a play class. You ever heard of Romeo and June? I failed Shakespeare. I failed Shakespeare.

You were so? I failed Shakespeare. Oh, that's a hard one. Yeah, but I also, I drew pictures of me shooting Shakespeare, and then I realized my professor looks just like Shakespeare, so it looks very bad.

Oh, my God, sweet thoughts. You were like a school shooter. That's not why I got failed. But it was just like, I'd wait through, I was like, oh, yeah, that's probably not a great thing to have. But I'd write bits in class.

Like, because I'd be on Adderon, I'd be writing jokes. And I'm like, I'd have just sitting in the very bad because I'm like, these are some fucked up things. Sounds like I had a shitty teacher. Yeah, well, my first one, she,

that was, so I, that one I passed, the one with the professor I drew myself shooting. Right. But I drew myself shooting Shakespeare, but it just looked like him. But the one I had before was his redhead, just total bitch. And I remember she like,

it was crazy because I had a tutor who like, this is so bad. You had a tutor for play class. Yes. I am a dumb ass. I need a tutor for class. Dude, I had to be pumped with Adderall and have a person staring at me and saying,

maybe you're autistic. No, I'm just incompetent. And I have horrible ADD. Right, right, right. But I'll meet this like 100-year-old woman, like so old. And my dad found her, because my dad was like, let's get you through college. He's very supportive parent.

And this woman was like a hundred. And I guess she got kicked out of the, I'm pretty sure she got kicked out of the university for being too conservative. I'm not sure that's what it was. But like, through the class, like I was getting some hints. She's like, oh, I mean, come on. And I was like, okay, well, we're like going over stuff. Like this woman seems like this is what happened. And she said she got, she started talking about.

She's like, yeah, that's where I got kicked out of the university. And I was like, okay, I think she got. She's like, this is Arthello. He's a more. You know what that means. Yeah, black. Yeah. She's like, oh, you guys are reading the playing class

and you're not doing blackface? She's like, it's fucking university. How are you supposed to be? How are you supposed to be tibble without shoot policy? Yeah, come on. What are you guys doing? But, I mean, it was something because the only place you could meet was a, there's a grocery store that had a cafe in it.

So I would meet her there. And it was so funny because, like, I would come in, like, so hungover because it would be Sundays. And I would take an Adderall. It's crazy the way I used to be able to just take an Adderall and just go through my day while being hung over and, and, like, shit my brains out, come meet with her. and then we work on like

just this, it was a weird half thing because I was like half asleep while I was, can I ask you a quick question? Yeah. So please, that's a very,

like, broad, like was there a certain era you worked in? It was Shakespeare, but it was niche Shakespeare for them. Not niche, but like it wouldn't be Romeo and Juliet and stuff like that.

It was mostly just like. His tragedies or... Yeah, random ones like, um, what's the one with the, the, the tempest? Stuff like that.

It was like less popular. But, um, she, I mean, would great, all my papers, or she would go through all the stuff, and I would be like, these were genuinely good papers, and then I would turn them in, and the teacher would be like, I don't, like,

should just fucking give me D's. And I'm like, I completely, the word count. I did everything I was supposed to do. The word count. Workouts are fucking stupid, by the way. They are stupid. Because you're really creating bad writing, because it's like, if this thing's supposed to be, 400 words, and you're like, it's like, if I can get the point across and less words, why the fuck, especially for an argumentative paper. Like, if it's a creative paper, I get it, but like, you want me to be argumentative. It's like, I should be as precise as possible. Yeah, of course. The curriculum in general is bullshit.

I mean, that's why if you have a shitty teacher, you're kind of just fucked. And it sounds like you had a lot of shitty teachers. Dude, and I got the last day, she literally goes, she goes, I get a D and I go, I want to meet with you and debate this. She goes, I won't be back till the fall. So I was like... What a shitty teacher.

It's like a fucking piece of what our government is basically. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, yeah, we're going on vacation. Fuck you. And then she came into class one day because she came into sub for the other teacher one time. And I just stared at her the whole time. Like, just like, just like a crazy person. I was just, I've right.

I just eyed her, just like. What a shitty teacher? I hate shitty teachers, man. They're like the worst. They think they're intelligent if they fail more people. They're like that or they're bitter and they're just projecting their own shit. And it's like, you know, you wanted to probably be on Broadway and do cats. And now you're sitting here.

That's real genius. Yeah, you know what I mean? Exactly. You know, you're just so upset about your life choices. You really, you shouldn't be allowed to teach if it's in a subject that you didn't succeed in. I like that. Yeah, yeah. I like that.

Because like a lot of, there are a lot of great teachers. Like, like honestly, not to toot my own whole. but my family, there's like, I have like nine aunts and uncles that are all teachers. They're all fantastic. That's awesome. But right away, they never tried to do anything other than teach. They're like, I just want to teach because I want to, I want to have these kids learn in like an exciting way. And that's the best.

That is the best. But when you, if you're like someone who's like like a phys ed teacher or something and you like, it's because you did a sport and you were the worst one at the sport. Yeah. Or you have a bum knee and your fucking, you know, cheerleading girlfriend left you and you're like, you know, your best year. were in high school and maybe that one catch you made in college. Oh, yeah. And that's it. Yeah, there's like a framed photo of you, like winning a participation award.

It's like those people are the ones. They're not going to give, they don't know where the finish line is for you because they've never reached it themselves. Right. So you're not going to be able to learn anything from them, you know? And there's always going to be a little bit, they're going to compare you to themselves and stuff. And it's like every student is so much, dude, all the kids that get bad educations are

talk about having like shitty teachers and stuff. There is some place for them in the world, but there's just no means to recognize where that place is and like in our whatever academic structure that we have, you know? Damn, you should work for the board of ed. Well, it's funny because it's such an important job. And like, as I said, like I have friends that are teachers. I have friends that are like athletic teachers that are talented.

But it's like I also, it's like, there's so many dumbasses. But like I had a sick one dude. This one guy, I had a friend with Dreads. It was a white guy. And he tried to fight one of our teachers. He's like, I'll fucking beat the shit out of you. I'll fucking meet you in the hallway right now.

And the teacher goes, come on, man. And meets him in the hallway and they come back smiling and shaking hands. I'm like, that's a cool teacher. That's a good teacher. That's a good teacher right there, dude. Even if he blew the kid. Yeah. That's a good teacher.

That's good because he de-escalated. That's what it's about. That's what it's about, dude. That's a question. If a teacher molests a kid, but that causes the kid not to shoot up the high school. You know, that kid did, that teacher did more than the, the security guard of Florida. These are the kinds of essays they need for college. That should be on the SAT. You got to write a point for something like that. School shooter,

what body part are you going for first? No, I don't know. I can't even, well, you guys were closer. You guys are young bucks. How old are you again? 25? Yeah, how old are you? 27. I'm almost 28, though. Are you really? Oh, I thought you're younger than him. No, I look. I just look young. You got that baby face, man. No, it's because of Florida. You in the sun, it's bad for your skin. Yeah, people age quick. Whitey.

Yeah, yeah. But you're saying we're younger. Well, you're younger. So you guys are closer to what high school and maybe what, you know, college is like. I can't even imagine because I was, you know, the era of, like, we were the first school. Like Columbine just started when I was in high school. Yeah, we kind of had a weird thing. I think Sandy Hook happened when I was like in high school.

Right. Happened. Okay. We know who side run out. We know what's going on with that, Alex. We have a go-fund me for everybody. Crisis actors. I would love to go to an acting school and pretend I want to become a crisis actor.

Just be like, that's kind of what I want to. That would be amazing, dude. But every time you read a roll, you're like, ah, ha, ha, you just got a new puppy. What do you do? He, what was that saying? It was so funny because Sandy Hook happened.

I remember being in high school, I'm like, yeah, that's an elementary school that got shot up. That's not going to have, like, my mind completely divided it. It's still divided, really? It's so divided. Like, I didn't, in my mind, I didn't think about it at all. College, though, I was worried about it. because I think more stuff happened around that time.

So I was like, man, people could come. Like, I'll see a kid, like, I saw a kid one time bring his backpack in the bathroom. He was just acting weird. I just, like, left the class completely. But I also, I have, like, horrible anxiety. And also, like, when you're pumped full of, like, Adderall, like, you're wildly paranoid. So I used to be paranoid all the time. I mean, I still, you know what's funny?

I was really high the other night, and I heard, like, loud noises. And I woke up in the middle of the night. And I saw somebody standing outside of this bar right here. Yeah. And I heard, like, noises. In my mind, I thought some guy was just outside shooting up the bar downstairs. Really? Totally was not what was happening.

But I was high and I was in a haze because I heard banging noises and it sounded like maybe a gun. And then there's a weird part of me where I go, it was like, I was like, horrible. But I think I'm going to be fine because I don't think he's going to shoot above. Like my mind, I literally was like, I was so funny. Hey, dude, survival. That's what happens, man, when you get to a certain point. Have you ever like, have you ever been around when bullets flew? No.

Okay. I've had one experience. I was in Charleston, South Carolina. I was living there, and I was living above a bodega in, like, a very not-savory community. Yeah. And I was out, and my roommate who I rented it from, she was a crackhead. She smoked crack all the time. She was crazy.

They do that. They do that. Yeah, she was crazy. But whatever, I was broke, poor. I didn't have a car. I had to live in this part of town. So we're outside, and I was smoking a cigarette. I had a long day.

I was working on the shitty HGVT show, but shout out to the production team because they're fun. And we're outside. smoke cigarette. All of a sudden they hear, and we're like, holy shit. And the crackhead's like, get it now!

And this is like not a nice backyard. There's like a tire. There's probably a used syringe somewhere. It's just like not nice at all. It's like, whatever. And she runs down. And for some reason, I was like calm.

She's like, I can't get over how calm you were. I was just like, all right, because it's like, I know they're not after me. Yeah. Right.

You know what I mean? And it was outside. I mean, I could get a stray bullet. You know, no question. But in high school, I should have been worried because I was very popular. High school, I'd be more worried in high school. You're trapped and that motherfucker is just, you know, fuck, you know?

I was better looking back then. I mean, he would have looked. Yeah, you would look great on a pamphlet or something like that. Yeah, I don't know. I went to a very, very big high school. So I have this really delusion where I think everyone had their, even like the nerds or the out, like there was no outcast. That's awesome to be. I'm not going to shoot at the school.

He's like, I'm awesome. I'm popular. But it's my. They're so delusional. They don't know they're the nerd. Totally. We didn't have like a community where it's like we had just so many kids at high school. So like I never found like there wasn't this 80s like fucking breakfast club shit. Yeah.

Right. Right. Dude, college also makes more sense because there's so much money on the line. Like you pay so much to be there and a teacher fails you. That course cost to do like $2,000. Right. Yeah. So it's like dude, I would, I could see people snapping like quite especially like a big college where, you know, like it's not exactly like, you know, it's not like a Columbia.

or something where all these kids are like bright and have like futures ahead of them. Right, right, right. Exactly. Or they're afraid to do anything because they don't want to fuck with it. Yeah. Right, right, right. And everyone thinks college is like you just go and you party and like you get blown in like the library or whatever.

That's who my experience. But it's like, but that's what cool kids experiences are. Like some kids go through all of college and everyone still fucking hates them. Imagine going through all of high school where everyone hates you and you're like, well, at least I have college. And then you go and you're like, fuck, this is. is the same thing.

Shit, yeah, yeah. And then, yeah, and that's why, like, I think when they go on to, like, get jobs and stuff, they become these bosses and these CEOs and they just fucking lay in to everyone. Or teachers. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude, it's sucky people and sucky jobs just suck. My, the thing I think is wild is when somebody gets fired from a job and then they go shoot up their office because I'm like, you liked your job that much that you were that

heartbroken by losing. Like, I can imagine loving a job that much and I'm like, oh, my God. I get the financial reason, but I'm like, you know what I mean? Like, every time I've been fired, I've been like, fuck yeah, you guys fucking suck. But also, I don't like, I make the amount of money where if I get fired, my unemployment isn't dramatically different than my paycheck. Like, I get it. If you're making like a solid and you have like a kid or something like that. I mean, I don't get it.

Don't fucking murder people. I don't know. I get murder sometimes. The best. Oh, sorry. No, it's okay. Just interrupt me. No.

But I have nothing that. I was going to say the best, like, firing scene. Have you guys seen Wanted the movie? Yes, I was talking about that the last episode. Oh, really? Or like two episodes ago. When he just like picks up the keyboard and just smashes it across the guy's face? Yeah, and he yells his boss and it's like, maybe people have more empathy for you if you weren't such a bitch.

What movie is this? It's Wadded. It's got like Morgan Freeman, James McAvoy, Angelina Jolie. It's the one where they curve the bullet. You ever seen the Curve the Bullet? No. Oh, my God. It's a great movie.

It's like a hitman kind of movie. Oh, I love that shit. Really fun. It's just a fun action movie. It's fucking awesome. Do you know what? Another movie like that right now, Grey Man or whatever on Netflix?

The new one with... Oh, Ryan Gosling. Yeah. Sevens, right? Yeah. Fucking great film, dude. Yeah, just like a fun. Yeah.

Just a fun movie. People are like, eh, now. I'm like, dude, I just want a fun movie. Yeah. Like I was... You remember Kingsman? That was a fun way. That was a fun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a fun film. But yeah, I don't know. I mean, don't get me how like the artsy. Did you guys see a She-Holkaterni? I'm not kidding. I've been not talking about anything besides the last couple days because I think it's the funniest thing.

Dude, just the, I was saying this. I was talking to, what is this? She Hulk attorney at law. It's the new Marvel. It's a female Hulk. Shut the fuck up. They really call it that? Yes, yes.

She's a lawyer because you know, y'all can do that. I don't know if you knew this just, but you can be anything you want to be. Really did? Thank God. That's good to know. I was joking with Alan with this because like Marvel now,

they're getting so out. What if the Hulk was a woman? It was also an attorney. They must have like a. They must have like a bingo roulette. You might as well do bring back the Geico fucking old dude, whatever. The caveman thing. They must have like a bingo thing.

We're like, all right, we need a pronoun. And they're like, she. All right. I was hoping for they. Yeah. And then a character Hulk. Okay. And then just a random like, all right, attorney at law.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, what the fuck? I hate, I day hate Marvel. It's got so bad. It's always been bad. me because it's just a form it's formalaic it's just like I like X-Men because I think X-Men's a different thing

almost like I like Deadpool and I like I thought Logan was a great movie because those ones it's made by Sony and then Marvel's I'm very dumb in the fact that I see the Disney banner in a medium like this is lame as shit like no matter what the movie's about to be it's just whatever preference but I also I like well I mean

they could be they could put the Disney thing before literally a porno and I'll be like this is gonna be soft Just like your dick I just don't like those films because they're not that They're not done right They're just like they're sloppy to me We're talking about low-hanging fruit

I feel like all those films are low-hanging fruit Like the only ones I kind of I like the Batman Christopher Nolan You know the Joker That's like that's interesting to me Well they animate too much of the Marvel movies now That CGI is not good I hate the writing of

of a lot of these films. Like the lighting, the aesthetic and the taste of it is just horrible. Yeah, it's way too colorful. It just looks blown out. It just looks like I can't fucking deal with it. Castwise, is that what you're saying? Yeah, there's too many black people.

Not even in movies, just in general. Well, that's so great about the gray man. It's two white protagonists, and it's fantastic. Thank God. We're coming back, Patrick. We're on top, baby. Yeah, we should start calling white people gray people. Just so we take a little heat off.

But it was funny because the clips somebody showed me is so funny. Tommy showed me this clip where it's like she's like, it's the worst getting catculled. She's like, I hold my anger down. I hold my anger down and get cat cold. And it's cutting the Hulk just kind of like, like, he has just a blank kind of expression where he's just like nodding because like they want him to be an active listener because they're like, they don't want him mansplaining or anything. But it's so funny because he looks so funny because he's just like, like, like, he's just like, oh my God, dude. It's like she's a Hulk. Like if I love how they're like, they're like, oh, when she has a tough day at the job,

it's like literally rip their arms out. That's why you're a Hulk. You're not, like, you don't need a brain. Oh my God. So the Hulk is getting now, like going through like some self-identity

where he's like becoming a... Oh yeah, the Hulk is annoying as shit. What's the point of the Hulk? That's what you're saying. It completely ruined it. Because the whole point is he's like, he's so, he can't control his anger.

Right. And then he gets crazy. And then they have to figure out... That's what makes him interesting. You're not, exactly. And this is what's annoyed. This is what annoys me. And I'm not trying to get.

inside baseball but I will. That's why I like talking about the darkest shit on the planet because it's like if you could talk about it in a way everyone has their inner demons and their inner monsters. I feel like everyone thinks to the hero of their journey and you're fucking not always man. Sometimes you're the asshole. And you're showing shit like this.

Remember the old Hulk TV show where it was like depressing at the beginning? It was like him hitchhiking because that was like the whole vibe of it. Right. Like he's like oh he's got to control his, you know what I mean? His thing, yeah. And sometimes evil people, the reason why they become evil is because there's pain behind it. Yeah, yeah. And if you're not showing that, the people are kids,

it's like, what the fuck are you showing then? You know what I mean? To be fair, none of us have seen the second of this show. I'm not going to see it. You don't need to see it. Just seeing the skills. There's no way. It's good.

Obviously, Rod Tomatoes, like, great review. I think IMDV is the best reviewer of stuff. IMDV's reasonable. They're pretty good. Oh, is it? I never read them. IMDB, I always watch a movie, and I'm like, IMDB kind of nailed it.

Like, that's exactly what, because it's like, I think they're more audience rating. Like, the audience actually rates it. And then tomatoes are like these douchy critics. Yeah. And we're like, it was this, but he had to tell me that it. They're the one who gave Chappelle's thing at 3% or whatever.

Yeah, yeah. And then it's like, oh, no, this was fantastic. Just like Maggie Gyllenhaal did a movie and it's called, mother, I forget what it's called. It's on Netflix. And everyone was like, it's riveting. I watched that shit. It was the most annoying piece of shit film I've ever seen in my life.

What sucked about it? It was like, if I had to get back to that dark place when I was watching it. I don't want to revive any repressed memories. It was just to me, she didn't tell a story at all. It was just these images that she put together

that was like, it felt like it was like an NYU arts film that everything was done through sense memory. So it's just like, you're not telling a story. I feel nothing for this character. The acting is impeccable because the actor she got.

Right. It's amazing because it's fucking Maggie Gyllenha. Yeah. But the story itself made no fucking sense. It's like, what are you doing? You're not telling me a story. It's kind of like going into like a store. I hate bad slice of life's movies.

Because like they're going to be a good slice of life where it's like, oh, this guy who works at a convenience store, but it's hilarious. Right. Or like, you know what's really good? Did you guys see Red Rocket? That sounds like a dog penis. Oh, wait. Is that. Dirt nasty.

So Simon Rex. Oh, yeah. That's supposed to be very good. It's great. He plays a likable pedophile. Right. That's how hilarious. That's great.

But it's like he's banging like a 17-year-old girl, which is legal in Texas. Oh, really? That's illegal? It's legal? I was going to say, it has to be legal. You could fuck animals legally. Yeah, I was going to say. It's legal as long as you high-fived your body afterwards.

If you fuck the dog and you get the dog pregnant, you can't abort it. That's a bitch. That is it. Literally. Yeah, literally. Yeah, no, but that, like, a thing. But it's like a very slice of life in that like, he's like a piece of shit with no money. You're like, this is interesting to why him be a piece of shit.

Right. I know you're not a big reader, Michael. No. But have you ever heard of Lolita? Yeah. Have you read? Nubikoff. That's, it's about a pedophile, basically.

and his relationship with this girl. But the way it's written is so brilliant where it's like you kind of sympathize with them. You're like, it almost makes you become a pedophile. How do you get on this fucking podcast? But it's like the way he describes like young girls and then the way he describes like women, it's insane.

But it's such a touchy subject. But the way he navigates it, it's like that's what like real art is. It takes an uncomfortable subject and makes you kind of like, She-Hulk where they're like... He's a teacher, right? Yeah, he is.

He's a teacher, right? Teachers, dude. Nobukov wrote another favorite of a book of mine called Despair. He talks about... That's a really good one, too. I love the fucking Russians. Yeah. Well, it's like, it's like when you make a good murder in him,

like, this guy's a killer, but they make him interesting. You know, it's like this guy, like... Yeah. I would love to see a serial killer that you feel empathy for. It'd be an interesting film. Dexter is kind of like that. Dexter is kind of like that. Instead of Shehawk, where they're like, isn't this great that she's doing?

It's like, I don't know. I've said it as a doubt out of the podcast. I find it, like, patronizing. I just find it patronizing. And it's not, and it's not real life. It's like, I don't know, it's kind of like, I mean, not to get generic, but it's kind of seriously like those Brooklyn kids that are there. And it's like, who's leaving their home because they're like,

ah, they're not accepting. But then you're not accepting of people that are like, you may be religious and live in, you know, Brooklyn. It's like, they're Catholic and they like God, but you're like, yeah, because you're projecting your own shit. Oh, for sure. Because you're trying to, you know, but meanwhile you're going up there and be like, I'm nine binary. You don't even know what that means.

You know what I mean? And you think that's an identity? It's not. What is technically a non-identity? That's just the ultimate irony of like Brooklyn in general. It's like they want to brand themselves as the most accepting people. But they're not. But if you're conservative, which is 50% of the people in the country, like they want nothing to do with you.

You know? Right. And also, I don't know. I just, Brooklyn used to be tough. Now it's so bad. I also, I'm officially out on everything. I'm like, I don't think I'm ever going to vote again I think I'm just done with all of it

Yeah, I'm kind of done too I I'm yeah I've been done for a minute The more you start to divide yourself Like genuinely the happier you get Because like my thing is like we're talking about Andrew Tate a second ago I'm like the dude seems fucking crazy

Yeah But I have no idea what he got to be platform for To be fair if he was like starting a go fund me For a pedophile ring Wouldn't surprise Like the guy's crazy Like obviously like Yeah the guy's off his rocker

Supposedly they found like an American woman Or a Romanian woman in his own And like yeah It's like kick him off But where the hell is the you us fucking, why are we not like... Right, but my issue is though, if he got kicked off for being like sex...

That was my issue is the people that were like, oh, Andrew Tate should be kicked off because he's dangerous to young man. I'm like, you... We know how the deep platforming works. They create their own website called Info Wars, and then they get bigger and bigger, and you're just creating... Yeah. Well, you are, because it's like...

That's why there's a lot of young, I think, conservatives now that like Trump, that these young kids... Yeah, this kids, yeah. Because he is like the fuck you against the system. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Republicans are becoming more like DeSantis, is like, fuck you, Disney. You're going to fuck with me.

I'm going to fuck with you. And it's just like, and now they're like, yeah, man, don't take that shit. And they become like, it's like the same, listen, Democrats used to use the same formula. They used it with Clinton. Clinton was the cool guy who played saxophone and they put him on MTV. And it was like, oh, well, cool. And he was running against fucking Bush. And it's like, you got the old, you know, 80-year-old dude.

Yeah, we get the tan guy with a fun out. Yeah, we got this guy. And then it's like, he's fucking bitches. And it's like, yeah, that's Bill. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, you know? It is funny because Bill. Bill?

Bill Clinton was just a little more buttoned up version of Trump. Right. That is so accurate. Their ethics were like exactly the same. But Trump just spoke exactly what was on his mind.

And that is like, oh, you can't talk about it. Bill's a statesman. He was more professional. He knew how to play the thing and he's smart. And supposedly people that met Bill, I mean, I fuck with Bill. I might blow Bill now.

He's a cool guy. He's a cool guy. But the reason I heard, I talked to a couple people. I don't know. He still might be fuckable. His dick might still work. I don't know.

I'll give him a cheeseburger. Okay. That's a question for you as a woman. Yeah. Smoking hot guy. A lot of people say Epstein's hot. I've heard women say that he's attractive. Yeah, he was a good looking dude.

But like, imagine, who's like a silver fox? Clooney? Cluny is a pedophile. You find out he's a pedophile. Do you fuck Clooney? I mean, how old? Who are the kids? Kids.

How old are the kids? Are they, like, you know. Let's make it really tough. Let's make it really tough because I could make it. which I'm not going to do. Or it could make it 17. 17. I think 14 is like the age where you're like, I don't know.

Yeah, no, I can't. But here's another. But I'm not, I'm not, it doesn't do anything for me. My question is this. What is the more? So it's disgusting that he does that. Yeah. Is it morally wrong to have sex with him?

Because in a way, you're, he's not fucking a kid if he's fucking you. He might actually fuck less kids the more he fucks you. No, because pedophiles. That's not right. First off, no, because pedophiles, it's a whole thing. It's like they can't get it. It's like gambling. So he has to dress you up like a little boy.

Spinny hat. Yeah. Spini hat and all that shit. I got, yeah, big lollipop. The curly cues like Shirley Temple. But he tells you, he really goes,

he goes, if I can bang you, I will not fuck a child tonight. That I think it's your moral obligation to do so. Yeah. But also here's like another kind of wrench in the Clinton thing is like Clinton was known to have sex with adult women as well. Yeah.

So if he has sex with a kid, is he looking at them as an older like or and it's just the, age that's making it weird or is it like or does he see them as like a young woman? I really don't think these people have like this like I think there are people that are just pedophiles. But then I think there are also people who have no morals and then have a sliding scale of their horny. There are pedophiles in the sense because they will fuck it. But I'm saying that's not their only. No, I hear you.

You know what? That's almost worse. If you're attracted to adults and kids and you fuck kids. And especially if you have the power to literally fuck anyone on the planet. That's what it's about. It's about power. Yeah. It's about the fact that it matters that you have like these young little kids.

Because if you're only attracted to kids and you only fuck kids, it's disgusting. Obviously, you should be thrown in jail media. But you can't get off to adults. But if you can get off to adults and you fuck kids and adults, then you're a piece of worse. And you're a bad guy. Well, because pedophilia in a way, if some people argue and I'm not a psychologist or a scientist, it's a mental illness. Because a pedophile has been created. Because a pedophile has been created.

Like someone fucked that. pedophile when they were a child. That fucking fuck them up. You know what I mean? Which is why it annoys me because when people are like, as, you know, it takes a village to create evil. They're Frankenstein. Yeah.

It takes a village of adults to fuck one kid. To create them. Wait, what a rough day in the village. Is that the Pi Piper story? Like, they kick him out and then he comes back. Oh, is it that Pi Pi Piper? He like, does kills all their kids or something like that. Holy shit.

Is that some Christian, the German. What's his name, Christian Hans Anderson or whatever? I know they alluded it. They're really interesting. Did you see, there was a great nightmare on Elm Street movie that came out like 10 years ago. Okay. Incredible. Because what they did is they made, really the way they did was awesome because they had,

Freddie Kruger was a child molester the way they did it. What? And then what happens is the parents murdered Freddie Krueger. And then he comes back and then kills all their kids. Wow. Because he told on them and got them murder. It was like a crazy. I was like, this is interesting.

But I think the Pied Piper... Do you have your phone? Could you look up the Pied Piper? I never knew that. There's a Korean film that's supposed to be very... Or Chinese, I don't remember. That's supposed to be very good. Is that this guy...

I don't know if it's a guy or a girl. Kidnap their children. And I think either... I don't know if he murdered them, but did something bad to them. And then the parents... Someone gets that person and they bring him to the Korean families

and they have to decide if they're going to murder him or not. and they do this fucked up shit I don't remember but it's like the whole moral like how do you do you do it does you know the eye for an eye kind of a thing and it's a very

I forget what the film's called I think it depends on the scale because some people are just plain evil there's just plain fucking evil out there yeah yeah we're like this person's like again everything's spectrum you know what I mean there's plain evil my whole thing is this

my whole thing is that if you are going to be I don't like people that are not on if you're a prick be a prick. Right. Don't. Yeah, that is the scariest part about the pedophiles because they're always just like some guys like, hey guys. And you're like, ooh, he's very gentle. That's terrifying. Right, right. I don't know. I feel like a bonafide pedophile, you can, something don't feel right, right? Yeah.

Because there's a mental illness there. Did you find them, Pied Piper? Yeah, so the Pied Piper was a guy who used his musical abilities to lure the rats out of, uh, out of whatever area this is. Uh, because it was like during the plague or whatever. Yeah. But people didn't respect him or something, so he used it to lure all the children out of town.

Oh. See? And it doesn't really go into what he did. I'd imagine they would have called him the cream pieed piper. Yo, my favorite, did you guys know that the guy who made Peter Pan,

they did an autopsy out of him and his balls never dropped? Really? Isn't that crazy? So, like, he in his mind was like Peter Pan and like, he's like, I'm never growing up. Get out. His balls did not drop, yeah. What does that like for you guys?

Is that something that happens overnight? I don't remember it. I don't remember. I think it's a very gradual thing. That whole time in your life is so weird because there's so many things going through your head at the same time. And like, people are developing at different levels.

And then you're like, do I fuck this kid? No, just go. I'm just not making it so hard. I don't know why I just remember this as a kid. Yeah. When I first started jerking off, I was in a waiting room and they had a book that I was probably like,

like 11 or 12. They had a book and it was a, a worm sock puppet. I brought it into the bathroom and just fucked it. Did you really? Good for you. Yeah. It's like something you stick your finger in to be the worm.

And I remember being a kid and I was just like, this is a place where I can put my dick in. Before I could just, I didn't leave a mess. I just left it back. I would have loved to like. You put it back? It's just fucking like a.

Wait, did you just do it? Yeah. It didn't feel good. So I had to put it back. Oh, you have a sense of. Was there any shame involved or you're just like,

all right, I'm just gonna put this back? There was always shame involved, but not because the book. But did you feel shame or did you? I thought God was mad that I was pleasure myself. I don't think he cared that it was a book with a worm in it. Oh,

okay. It's just a sock puppet worm and like, don't leave this out of your, did you look back at it at all? Did it feel weird every time? Did you feel weird like looking at it? No, no,

no. It'd be so funny, I'm just sitting in the waiting room. You're like, you have cancer. I'm just like staring at the worm and like, oh, this is it not a good day for me.

Because I remember when I had got like boobs. I remember I was I was in gym class, of course. And I was, but I was playing either basketball or something. That's an overnight thing. That was for me, I think it overnight because I was just like, wow, man. This is like when I run, I feel like these flappies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, all right.

I went out to get up. And I hated my first bra. I was so annoying. I was just like, what the fuck? Yeah. Well, also as a guy, I remember you don't notice your dick growing because your dick grows the same pace as your legs. So, like, I never would like, oh, my dick looks like it's a dick now.

I was just always, my whole life I've looked down on my pace, looks exactly the same. I wonder what it's like for people that have a growth spurt. Like, people that have a growth spurt. Like, you know, there's some dudes that have, like, growth spurts. I got to ask my boy. That's somebody who's always, like, yeah, I got a growth spurt. Everybody's like, you're the same eye. You go, I know.

I know. It grew and then I spurted. Yeah. That's funny shit, dude. But I never thought about, like, the bulls. I never, like, I guess. Yes, yeah. So they were a tucked high. How old was he when he died?

When your ball's going to... What's up? How old was he when he died? Do you know? I don't know. I don't know what his name was, the Peter Pan guy, but yeah. I know. Yeah.

I just wonder if... I don't know. His balls always look young. Michael Jackson, they think, was chemically castrated by his dad. Yeah, I know. That's fucking... That's why it's like, you know, forgive. Yeah, you know what's so funny.

I don't know about that. I don't forgive ever that. I didn't watch this. document. I'm not going to watch the documentary. But the one thing I thought was hilarious, I remember one of my last memories of Michael Jackson was a radio DJ. Was he looking at his asshole? What? No, no, no.

There's a radio DJ and he goes, leave him alone. He didn't do it. Just leave him alone. And if somebody thinking about the difference of radio stations now, because I'm like, do you think you could just go on FM radio and just defend a pedophile on that? Like, they'd be crazy. You know, even if like taking a hard stance

on it. Right. Like that's a pretty either claim is tough. So, like, I think personally he's pedophile, a piece of shit, whatever. But I think it's very hard to be a public icon and take a hard one or the other. People still do that. Think about all the people that were accused of being pedophiles in politics. Yeah, but like. People vehemently defend, not knowing.

I mean, Biden got accused of rape and there's like, I forget about it every four months. There's also countless videos of him just smelling little girl's hair. That's not related. So, like, I think there's inherently, in people that we idolize, like, we don't want to visualize them doing anything. There's even so much content that you forget. Like, I guarantee you if, like, he got away with, like, a literal sex crime, you could forget about it for, like, months because there's so much.

You'd be like, oh, he fell on his bicycle again. Yeah, and it's just like, the new cycle is so distracting. Well, yeah, that or, I don't know. If they want you, they want you. You know what I mean? And he's not going to run again. So I think people are just, like, waiting for him to, like, just croak out. Once he dies, what he dies?

to influence on news outlets. Do you think he actually is like, okay, CNN don't do this, do that, or do you think, or maybe not his people? The funny thing is, I want to say, this is how it skewed news is. I saw, read an article, read it yesterday. The title of the article on CNN says,

Kid Cuddy, and I'm not saying Fox any better, it says, Kid Cuddy has stroke in rehab. And I go, or had a stroke in rehab. And I go, this is terrible news. I was like, I like Kid Cuddy. Let me read the article. In 2016, when Kid Cuddy went to rehab, Apparently, he had a stroke in there.

And I'm like, you can't publish something like that today. Yeah. And then you know that's misleading. You said, Kid Cuddy had a stroke in rehab. Posted six minutes ago. Yeah. You have to throw 2016 in there. But you purposely didn't put 2016 in there because you want me to think it's...

Because I don't give a fuck if he had a stroke six years ago. But I do... Yeah, but it's just crazy. Right. But I'm saying that's just like a crazy level of... I wonder if, because that was like during... It's not crazy because there's just sloppy fucking losers. It was also.

that was during when like Trump was president. So there was no article that would make any kind of headline other than something about Trump. So they're like, let's just shelf this for a while. And then when shit gets boring. You think they have a backlog? They're like, all right. Yeah. You guys think this has anything?

Yeah. Like that guy was just too hysterical. Like I wonder if there was stuff about Epstein that was coming out during Trump's. Well, no, because it was linked to him. Right. Yeah. So they were probably eager to get that out. That is less of the thing, though.

You would assume CNN would be like, yo, look at. more Trump Epstein stuff, but they just don't even mention it. Because, like, that's part of it does know. I mean, there's lots of, like, Republican people that are like, oh, man, Trump, like, no connections to Clinton's a piece of shit, Epstein. I'm like, both of these guys have, like, very clear connections to this guy. Yeah. But you're surprised CNN doesn't use that same book.

Like, because Fox will be like, look at this. This guy's friends with Epstein. And they will, you know what I mean? It's weird. I know. It's not, it's just bullshit. It's whatever. It's because there's advertising dollars.

It's the whole bullshit of that whole thing. and it's its own little machine. And that's what I'm saying, I don't think many young people, it's still like the older guard that's like, I mean, who fucking sits there and watches CNN? I'll throw stuff on just to get, I'll throw CNN on and then Info Wars.

I want to see. Info Wars is hysterical. And then you put them both in a blender and then drink it down and that's where you're, yeah, I want to get a little bit of everything. I mean, like, it's interesting to me. I don't know. Like I, I purposely will try to find

conflicting information with what I believe. Because I think it's important. Oh, yeah, most definitely. But a lot of the times I'll be like, okay, let me find the counter argument. And I spend two minutes on. I'm like, okay, let me look at more. I don't know. I find it real weird that, I mean, the Japanese president or as a prime minister, I'm talking

out of you know, it's got assassinated. The head samurai. Yeah, the head samurai. We're talking cute old fucking Japan. Yeah, it's all a Kurosawa film. No, we got assassinated. How long ago? This is like a couple months ago.

And it was not like. I find that so fucking odd. That's bizarre. That's bizarre to me. Because someone had to make a gun. They don't have guns there. Some dude made a fucking gun. Yeah.

And went and shot up. And not only like I was talking to, you know, Rio Hayashi. Yeah. He's telling me he's like the guy, the security, they're so dumped. Like they missed. And then the guy got another chance to do it. Like he missed. And then five minutes later he did it again.

Yeah. And I just think it's odd that no one else talked. Like there was not a talk. Like a fucking guy who ran a country for a very long time and supposedly had a profound influence. I don't know if it made Japan catapult to modernness or whatever. I don't know much. But I think that is fucking really odd to me that we're not talking.

That seems like very important news. That's very important news. Like if Trudeau got shot, you'd be like, this is crazy. What's going on? And Japan's not some fucking MOOC country. Yeah, it's like there's a lot going on. There's a lot there. It's a different thing that rhymes with.

mook. You piece of shit. Christ. I was like, where are you going with this? All right, Patty. He's got the most two racist,

fucking Irish and Italian. It is like, it's annoying, because I try to write jokes based on the new, I just like, like that, like,

system of joke writing where it's like, here's the, and beyond fucking late night. I would love that. I would love that, but I don't want to do it obviously the way

that it's done now. Yeah. But where does that, where the word gook from? What's they even, um, I don't know.

I don't actually know. It doesn't sound like Jap. They just shortened the word Japanese. Yeah, right, right, right. Also, dude, Chinaman. What's so bad about that one? Every, just enough people have said it the wrong way. That's just how that works.

You know what I mean? You said the wrong way. You're like, yeah, yeah. But yeah, like, just looking up news headlines, it's impossible now to find something that's not about some boring, like, bill being passed through Senate. Or just like 40 teenagers dying by like a flame. Thrower. The only thing I kind of keep on, I have the economist, and I kind of read shit about that because it's the world news.

So, or I'll have NPR and my IG and they'll drop some shit. I'm like, all right. But I don't like anything, I take everything with a grain of salt. Yeah, yeah. Much like the Japanese. Okay. That made no sense. It would be more like a grain of soy.

Several grains of soy. It would be grain of rights. Oh, no. A grain of rights. Can you look at the origin of that? I'm sorry. I'm just very curious. Is you a producer now?

Jesus Christ. Jamie, pull that up. Yeah, I know, Jamie, can you pull that up? Jamie,

where did you come from? Can we watch a guy beating off another guy while he was trying to wake him up from a fight? Did you read? Yeah, that was funny.

That was funny. Um, uh, I was gonna say, I don't remember. Dude, I ate an edible. Like,

today? No, two nights ago. I was about to say, you were this lively on an edible. Oh, dude, no,

this edible is freaking, I need to take a break. It was 25 milligrams and it put me in a coma. Like, I take five at most. Dude, it fucked me up. All right, what is it?

Gook comes from the Korean word, Gook, meaning country or Korea. So I think, like, when American soldiers were in Korea, you're a country. That's very weird. Well, they heard them referring to Koreans as... So that's a Korean slur. It's a Korean, yeah.

All right, wait, wait. So we need to... I thought it was Japanese. No. Maybe they're, you're hanging out with ignorant racists. Yeah, I guess so. only thing worse than racism is improperly used.

Yeah, exactly. No, that that, uh, you, you have a bladder, bro. Oh, we're in the cocaine from the night before. He's got a real problem.

Yeah, no, I, I don't, uh, fuck with that word at all, actually. I never really said that word ever in my life. What?

See, I won't say it. I'm not going to say it. It's so specific. It's like, it's a Korean slur. Yeah, you know what I mean?

It's not, I never heard, um, First time, I've never really, I'm trying to think if I ever, yeah, I've heard probably a relative say at once, but I've never heard anyone else say that really that much. Well, I feel like that's something that comes from like war. That's a, yeah, that is an, that is an army vet, angry, bitter guy.

Wait, that's a weird thing. Why isn't there a slur for Vietnamese people? Because we were over, you'd assume that. I think they'd use that word. But it was for Koreans. That's, it's very weird. I know. Well, you're not talking about like Lecrem, Lecrem.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. The ones that had to go didn't. get to get out of it, you know what I mean? There's slurred lines between the two. You know? I mean, if you notice, if you go to a shitty neighborhood, you're going to see a career service center for the Army in the

middle of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're always in shitty neighborhoods, bro. You never see them. We were out the other night and some guy comes up to my friend and goes, uh, he goes, this guy comes up with a friend, he goes, Asalam al-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-sha-a-a-a-s. And my friend says, what's the response you supposed to say?

I think, I thought it said, I'm also with you. No, right? I think you say, Amosam al-a-a-l-lakem to you, too. You say something like that, and he goes, he goes, he goes, you ever heard of the United States military?

Or in Marines? He goes, no, he goes, I fucking hate Muslims. He just says that to my friend. My friend's like, what the fuck, dude? Like, wait out of nowhere? Yeah, just out in the bathroom line. You're like, this is fucking wild.

Wait, wait, hold on. The guy comes up to him, this is just out of local bar in the East Village. It's like, where you would not expect that else. Okay. You know, we need that. We need a little spice. We need to even out the playing field.

Let's get some. far right extremist. Guy, he's waiting in the bathroom. This dude out of nowhere just comes walking up. He goes, Asana al-Naykum. And my friend goes, he doesn't know that. He's like, was I supposed to say this? Which is the correct Muslim response? He goes, no, you weren't supposed to say that. He goes, if you said that, there would be a problem. He goes, you ever

heard of the United States Marines? He goes, I hate Muslims. Jesus Christ. Holy But that's so odd. Like, what is your friend? Like, why did he go up to your friend? Because they were just waiting for the bathroom. That's a small talk. That's small talk? That's small talk?

Michael's friend was wearing a turban ironic. Exactly. It's just like, out of nowhere. It's just like, so what's it? How are you? It's crazy time we're having. It's like, you have Muslims. Am I right?

It's like, what? Yeah, yeah. There's not even like, listen, I don't agree with it ever. But like, maybe save that for around the 9-11 Memorial. Don't do it randomly over here. What did your friend do? He was like, I'm just not gonna, he's like, I'm just gonna ignore this guy. Because he's like, what are you doing?

You're not dealing with, well, yeah, you're not dealing with like fucking. I wonder how many beers it takes. What if he goes, he goes, say you hate Muslims, that's how he, he's about to break your arm. You're like, I don't want to say it. You're like, no, this is what it is. That is crazy, dude. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the insane thing.

It's like, listen, like, I agree, like, I don't know. I think we just go to so many stupid fucking wars. And I respect, like, if you saw the Twin Towers get hit and you're like, okay, I want to go serve for this country. I respect that in a genuine sense. The country was attacked, you went to go protected. But out of, you don't have the right to just hate so. I hate anybody that goes, well, yeah, I hate these people, though, because this is, it's

like, no, you have no right to hate somebody from a different group. Yeah. I kind of secretly hope that, like, someone trans flies a plane and. Just kidding. Yes. All right. Here we go. Jess, where were you on 9-11?

I was hungover as fuck. And I was the first day of class. I was supposed to have class that day. So how high for you? Score. Snow day. I know, they won't pop, but I'm like, oh, shit. I know.

It was, but a lot of my friends, like, a couple of people I knew that lived downtown and shit. Oh, yeah. Did you want me that died in it? I personally do not. No. No, no, no, no. Yeah, that was the thing I thought, but we're talking to a friend about it. Do you think we would have known anybody?

Because my age, I'm like, I know people work in finance, but I'm like, I don't know. My friends aren't that successful. No, I mean, I knew my brother knows a lot of people because he knew a lot of FDNY guys. Right. So that... You would suck being like a janitor that died in 9-11. Yeah, no shit. That blew.

Oh, my God. Yeah. And then having to clean all that off after? Or even a cafeteria. Yeah. No, you still have to mop it up. This is absurd. Yeah.

No, it's kind of fucked up. Really? I wouldn't have guessed that 9-11 was fucked up. Well, you know what? No, I'm thinking about what... See, what fucked up is that people don't understand. It's not only the day is the residual effects at the aftermath. Right.

Because then we had the anthrax scale. Oh, right. And that was crazy. And we were waiting for another attack. And then all of a sudden, everything became a militarized zone. I mean, we had the Army here. Really? Yeah, man.

And their tanks driving around and shit. So it got a little, it was pretty, like, I remember being on. It's got to be a hard move. Being on the train a day, like a couple days after, that was fucking surreal. I would say up there surreal with the COVID shit. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that has to be tough.

Because, I mean, literally people were sitting there and Nelson you'd hear us, like, on the train. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Just fucking breaking down. You know what I mean? It was just... That would be very horrifying. It's kind of...

It's got to be... It had to been hard to be a Muslim in New York City during 9-11 because you got... It's hard to be Italian in this fucking city you have to that, dude.

Like, if you had a little darker... Oh, yeah, yeah. I had an Indian fireman that got fucked with. You can't leave town too fast because then it's very noticeable. You're like, I have to subtly get the fuck out of New York City

because I'm like, I don't know, it's crazy. But also, I assume there's a part of you, like, Adamato's saying his mom started wearing a job after 9-11 to be like, fuck you, bitches. Did she really?

What I'm talking about? Badass. Or it may have been a hijab or what's the other one? Burka. Burka, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, it was sheer ignorance. I mean, it was just a bunch of shit. It was, you know, I mean, you had a lot that I understand.

The only thing more badass than wearing a burqa, if you're Muslim after 9-11, is wearing a pilot's hat. Oh. Fuck. That's insane. Yeah. Yeah, that whole situation. Well, you know what I mean?

And then we went to war all. it, which we went to not even the country that fucked it. Yeah, that is hilarious. You know, it was just, it was just a fucking a domino effect of stupidity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's almost like you can make it now you can make a satire about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, how crazy it is. Of how stupid it is.

I mean, because 9-11 happened and then we went to war, and I only remember this because each time I was wasted. 9-11, I was wasted the night before. And then when we invaded into Iraq, I was down in Naples, Florida, getting bombed on the beach. And I was like, oh, we're invading Iraq now. And now it's in March. So it's like, man, it's fucked up. They didn't even do shit.

Hey, you know, Saddam Hussein's a prick. But I mean, what the fuck? They used that as to thing. Meanwhile, Afghanistan still like, we're doing our thing. But yeah. So, but that's why I remember it distinctly just because of, but mostly my, yeah, my memory comes from actually my drinking days of knowing,

like, I used to know how fucked up. by God by who was, because I'd go to sleep with ESPN radio on the background. Depending on when I woke up, I could tell what time of day it was by who was on. Oh, that's kind of cool. Yeah. So I was like, oh, my God. If I woke up and it was Colin Coward. That's a real scumbag way to live though.

That's your alarm clock is like, who's on? Yeah, exactly. I was like, oh, Colin Coward's on. All right. So that means it's 10 in the morning. I'm okay. Yeah, yeah. But if I woke up and it was Pat, what's the fuck is the name?

I can't remember his name. That was like three o'clock. Now, three o'clock in the afternoon. I'm like, oh my God. I got to be at work of an hour This is when I was waiting tables and shit And bartending and working in kitchens and stuff This is my drunk fest

Of living in the south My drunk tour You live such a exciting life Well you know what is I never understood Oh Woodstock Can you talk about that a little bit? Woodstock 99?

Yeah I mean I think you've barely talked about it on this podcast Yeah I haven't Well I don't know What do you want to know? So what do you want to know exactly? Okay

I still watch by the way I still watch the, like, the Pearl Jam performance from that. Yeah. It's, like, so fucking good. Well, was that the 94 one? No, wait, no, I think I'm thinking of a different one. I'm thinking of Dave. I watched the Dave Matthews performance at Woodstock.

I used to be a huge Dave Matthews. Yeah, back in the day I was too. I think it's the reason why I went basically. Yeah. And Rusto was there. I was like a hippie. I liked, but that I liked KERS one. I liked weird hit, like I liked hip-hop the roots.

So what was it? So first day you get there. How many days is it? Okay. So I think three or four days. But we got there the night before. I drove up. I got really fucked up.

And my friend got mad at me because I did like a dude hooked up with me. I don't remember anything. And my friend found me with no pants on on a golf cart. And my friend at the time and her boyfriend, who's now my best friend for till this day, they found me. And she was pissed because she's a dumb bitch. and she got mad. I beer-bonged Jameson in the parking lot. Oh, hell.

Yeah, I love... The amount of you said in one minute. It's just an awesome story. I found naked on a golf car. Yeah. Anyways, beer-bonged Jameson. Like, whose friend is this? Who's friend is this?

I'm like, half naked on a golf cart. And my friend found me, and she was pissed, and she was like, what the fuck? And blah, blah, blah. So she dumped all the leftover alcohol that's out. And I was like, fuck, so now we have no alcohol. Also, mind you, I'm only... I'm 18.

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, whatever. So we go to the festival grounds, we park the car, and then we're dragging our shit, and I remember they couldn't let us in right away. They were behind on shit. They were, because they oversold tickets. They're really fucked up because I have a friend that runs a music festival. That's very in the spirit of Woodstock.

Yeah, that's just be where it is. Real what's kind of a shit shit shit. There's only supposed to be like not that many people were. Exactly. It was a entire shit show. And let's talk about real shit. It's like all those fuckers became yuppies anyway, those little hipster fucking hippie losers. And like, you know, we didn't have the term.

rape back in those days. So it's like, you know, how many pitches were there didn't know what the fuck was going on and getting... Free love just made rape. Yeah, free love meant raping people. And then we raped your bank accounts 20 years later and fucking Wall Street. Oh, that's a real move right there.

Yeah. Tell your parents, fuck you. I don't want to be corporate. Do a ton of drugs. Yeah. And then become successful. And then fire some guy at your office because it goes too long.

And then you become a Reaganite, you fucking losers. That's why I hate those fucking hippies. Fuck you. Yeah. Under the guise of free love and not wanting to go to war. No, you pussy, you went to college, you got out of it. Anyway, I fucking hate those cunts. Anyway, so, Woodstock then, you know, and we didn't go there because it's like, I didn't

go there because it's like, I didn't go there because it's like, I was 18, I was like, oh, I want to go to Woodstock. Yeah, I went to Barre Room. 94 looked awesome, you know, 94 was awesome. That was just a great era of music, too. Yeah, yeah. 94 it was like you had, you know, Tribe Cold Quest, Nine Inch Nails, Pearl Jam, Sound Garden. It was just Nirvana.

I mean, that was fucking Lecrem, Lecrem, music, right? So then 99 comes along, and 99 kind of, fuck's dick because you got fucking limp biscuit who I've always hated anyway I hated Limp biscuit. It's just shitty music, of course you would Florida. It's just, but it's complete garbage. I've never to get defensive, but you know, I've been

listening to Creed recently. I'm not gonna... I get it. They're fucking blows out of him, dude. Well, I'm not saying because Florida, I hate when people make fun of Florida, I don't mind Florida. It's just that they're from Florida and he's just like, yeah, yeah, and said, you're wake up, my piss you off one of those days. It's just like, you're

fucking loser. I just like, shut up, you whiny bitch. He also, he backed out of a fight with Scott Staff from Creed. Creed went to high school in Florida. I don't know if this was in high school or later on life. Oh, that's amazing. I would take Scott Staff. You really, that guy has a lot of pent-up shit.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I think Fred Ders is full of shit. Just choked me like, yeah. I know. It's like, yeah, oh, wow, I'm proud of me now, mommy. Um, so anyway, so we're waiting outside and it's hot as fuck. I'm hung over as fuck. I'm hung over as shit.

I'm sore. Because I lost my virginity. And I don't remember. In a golf cart? That's all. Yeah, I know. It was before the god that someone found me. Anyway, that's the story of itself.

But I'm totally at peace with it. And so then what happened? Sorry, we don't have to go into it. But that was a lot. You just grew up. Yeah, I know. I did. Because I didn't want people to like, I'm fine.

I'm fucking fine. It's fine. So anyway, I, then the next, though, the day there, we wake up. And then we're going through. And they're just like being dicks. They won't let us bring anything in. anything. So they're throwing out whatever liquids we have and food and shit. And we're broke.

We're pretty much broke. So then the trek to get to the goddamn campsite, it was like, it's hot as shit. It's in an army base. You're in shithole part of New York and Rome. And it's just like there's no, it's tons of wood chips everywhere. Woodchips and concrete. That's what it was. And no, not many trees or anything. It's not like grass and stuff? No, I don't remember any of that really that well. And then, so there was some patches, but it was so fucking hot, man.

It was like, it was so hot. You needed to have woods. Like, I did Bonner. The problem with Bonner is it's on a farm. That's the problem with Boneruero, too. Bauder was so fucking hot. That's why it's like alpine and all those, like, when fish goes up. That's, or Saratoga, New York is great.

Yeah, Spack is fucking awesome, man. You need trees. So we get there, so we finally get a spot and it's like full of woodships. And then my friends proceeded to get. into a fight. There were a couple and she was pissed because she left the

oh he brought he snuck in a thing of Spaghettios and he was starving. That's hilarious. Spaghettios? He's like I got the real show

pulling it out of his ass. He brought in contraband which is a fight. It was like a fucking prison. Yeah. And he freaking sneaking in spaghetti she got mad

because she forgot the can opener and she's like you're always doing this everything's about you and they're fucking having a fight. I'm on over sitting out of the tent.

And then fine. We're like fuck it. Let's just walk around. And this point, it's like, I don't remember anything specific. I remember certain parts of the trip where it's like, at one point, we had a lot of things on my side.

What happened was, at a certain point I remember, rage is playing, and I remember the ground was like vibrating. It was so fucking, it was like, just what? And everyone's dehydrated.

Yeah. It was fun. And this is what ecstasy was like, fucking everyone's popping those pills. Yeah. At one point, I think we were, I think, oh, Kid Rock came out,

and I can't stand him either. Oh, you have horrible taste. Yeah. I can't eat. What do you hate America? I love Kid Rock. I fucking hate Kid Rock. I don't really like.

I love Reed. He came out and he was like, my name is kid. I'm like, all right, time to go. And the only way out. That performance is amazing.

That's where he takes the top hat. Yeah, he takes the top hat and he has a thing. He puts the top hat on a cane. Does he have a little person with him too? Yeah, it's a little person with him too. Oh yeah. Horrible.

This guy sucks. Littleer kid, Rock. Yeah. I was a fucking, dude, I was watching art house films and I was a weird nerd person. And I played rugby.

I don't know what to tell you. So I get, so the only way to get out is you have to crowd surf. And so we're crowd surfing and that's the thing. I still, yeah,

there's the only way to get out. So I just, I still remember dudes grabbing my shit, but I remember being like, dudes are, they're scumbat. I mean,

I didn't, there wasn't anything to me like, no, nah, I was just like, all right, fuckheads,

just fucking, all right, get what you want and let me get the fuck down. Yeah, yeah. I just, I don't know. I just,

I'm, you know, I'm just like, Guys, no. There would be subpoenas all of these things. It was brosive. But then what I really remember was two things I remember too was that at one point it was so fucking hot. I lost my friends at one point. And it was just I went to an over.

There was a lot of these overhangers like where the planes would land and shit. They had a movie place. You can watch a movie. And walking in was like a scene from the film Gone with the Wind when they're like they, they, what they call it? I forget what they call it. Sleeves? No, fucking asshole. It's a film term when they're panning back.

And there's a bunch of just massive people just laying on the ground. And that's what it was. Everyone was dehydrated and fuck. They were just like laying on the ground just like trying to get, you know, comfort. And I fell asleep there for a couple hours. It was just like, seriously, it was just really like it wasn't like I remember some performances. But so then at one point then we decided, okay, on Sunday morning I wake up. I thought there was a disaster.

So is it like a slow disaster? Was it other bad stuff happening? Well, it was a slow buildup. Can you check the time real quick? Yeah. We should be fine. It's 524. Oh, perfect.

We're sweet. Okay, awesome. Yeah. Okay, so. So, fucking what was you going to say? So I woke up at some point early in the morning on Sunday. Tragically Hip was another fun band. They're from Canada.

I met these Canadian dudes. That was a fun time. Who I never heard. With Tragically Hips, like, a major band in Canada. Drinking fucking Canadian whiskey. Are they like a rap band? What are they? No, they're like a, like, a, like, a,

I heard hip. Oh, okay. They're like, so they're very rust and root kind of vibe. You know what I mean? Just Jambani and stuff. And they were fun.

And then, um, so I wake up on a Sunday morning. It's the last day there. And there's little, like, there's little things that are happening. The heat's happening.

Anger's kicking in. Because where they're like a bunch of mosh fights and people dying and all that. I suppose some people died. I don't know because I was in there. So I don't know what the fuck was going on. And then. And then. It's like nowadays.

This is before, yeah. We wouldn't even know. Exactly. There's no. Exactly. There's none of that. So it was just kind of like, so things are slowly, that's why things were slowly. You also just lose your friends, right?

Don't you just like? Yeah, I lost them, but then I was able to go back to the campsite. We found each other. Okay. That happens to like all music. Right. Yeah. So it was just, um... You know this too. Well, also, too, it's like you don't have this to rely on. So you're just kind of, you figure it out. You actually had a better sense of having to do. But even today, you don't have service. Like, I've been to festivals where I'm not service. Yeah, but you're worse then now

because now you're dependent on this shit. Now you're like, what are done? Yeah. back then it's like I'm going to go to the campsite and now people are all like that oh I'll go see her at the campsite yeah now it's like I'll try to run over yeah now it's like I'll leave the festival to go get service and an RV exactly exactly your problem solving skills suck now so whatever

so I go to the thing I wake up in the morning it's Sunday morning it's like it's kind of like there was like an eerie calmness to the whole place it was like but I was then I hear tear down the wall tear down the wall and I shot up like holy shit Pink Floyd's here Oh. So I start running towards that sound.

I was like, oh my God, my God. I keep on going. I'm like, I feel like I'm leaving. And I go out and it's the outer part of the wall. And these fucking MOOCs are just like pushing the wall and they tear it down.

And then all of these influx of people came in. These are people. And it was just a bunch of people. And supposedly security didn't have any background checks on these people. And a lot of them had like priors and all this bullshit. Yeah, that's like. So then all of the sudden now, there's like little like,

I remember Red Hot Chili. I can't remember what, so whatever. So we're like, you know what, fuck this. We're going to go pack up the car. We're going to come back. We're going to see a rusted route and then we're going to leave. We go pack up the car. I get to my car.

I realize my car won't start because I left the bad, the light on the whole time. Fuck. Thank God. He was listening to Creed. I remember sitting there like, with arms, right. Oh, I walked door. I was like, dude, I'm like, my car would start. They helped it, start it.

I bumped into the Canadian guys, these other Canadian guys that I was with the tragically hip guys. They helped me start the car. And they're like, you're fine, young, and go in. you know, the car will be fine and started. It was just that. And we're like, yay. So we go into Rusty Route, and I have my keys,

and I'm twirling my keys. I'm twirling my keys. The key fell out of the fucking, I must have been broken and I lost my car key. Oh, my God. Can I imagine being stuck at was 1999. It was the worst. So we're like, fuck.

And at that point, it's now middle of the afternoon. What day is this? This is the last day. So we're like, fuck. So we, and I guess the night before two, the Red Hat, Peppers I think played. I can't remember. I don't remember the timeline.

But I remember it actually. Did you do any other drugs? You're just drinking? I didn't. No, I didn't. I just drank and smoked some weed. I didn't do anything else. At that point, I wasn't big in a blow or anything. I didn't hang out with rich kids. So I, um, we were fucked. So then she, someone has to fess up because my, I told my parents straight up what I was doing. The two other schmucks did not. So the one friend had to call a friend and had to get money to get a locksmith and the locksmith raped us big time amount. We got my key. Okay. At that.

Yeah, not literally rapeless. But like the way you financially over this stuff, I would not be stupid. I like the word rape was invented from the locksmith and not all the things. And we got my key and my buddy's like, we're getting the fuck out of here. And we leave.

And as we're leaving, we're driving down the highway about a half hour, 45 minutes later. We see the like military coming in. Like, not Coast Guard. I figure what you call them, people that, whatever. Oh, I know you're talking about the National Guard. National Guard.

They're coming in. And I'm like, what the fuck's going on? And we get to a rest stop. And also I look up at the television and it's like, Woodstock on fire, blah, blah, blah. I was like, oh, shit. And then he get to my buddy's house. And then his mom found out that he went without telling her and he got grounded for the rest of the summer. And that was basically Woodstock.

Bummer. Yeah. I couldn't imagine. So you kind of got out of like you weren't like. I wasn't, yeah, I didn't like get there. I mean, I saw, like, people carrying shit off and ripping shit off and being animals. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, this is got to get fucking.

I don't, my dad raised me. Like, he's from the Bronx and did it. He raised me. It's like, listen, something doesn't sense right. It's not right. Yeah. And I wasn't getting involved with that shit. And luckily, I only had two other people and they weren't assholes.

Right. So, like, a weird thing where somebody shit in the water. So, like, it all, the lot of people got sick from that. Maybe that, too. I mean, not only that, what happened was they didn't drain it right. At one point, there was just sewage just... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of the biggest problems.

And they didn't have water, places to have access to water. It was just... They did not organize this in any which way at all. I went to a festival one time when they wouldn't let you bring water in. You have to buy water for there, but they didn't have spiket. So you have to buy water,

and you couldn't put a cap on the water because they didn't want you throwing them at artists because I think somebody got like a bunch of water balls turned into the next year. Oh, my God. It's like Kid Cuddy recently. Didn't he get fucking all pissed off about that whole thing? Yeah, yeah.

Jesus, Kid Cuddy. But I mean, he had a... seizure in 2016. Strokes take at least seven years over. I know, right. That's all, yeah, I had a fucking blast. What do you guys want to promote? Nothing. I don't, I'm

headlining a show, I don't know when this is going to air in South Carolina, Charleston. When? Charleston, South Carolina, September 22nd. Yeah, this comes out Wednesday. So, yeah. Okay, it's third 22nd. I'm headlighting a club called the Sparrow, Levi White, Talala Yon's coming with me to feature Joseph Coker

Shout out to you for Joseph Corden's going I think it's Coker What's his last name? Jesus, am I saying his name right? James Corden? That's what I was thinking of James. James Codin.

This guy is awesome. He reached out to me. People make fun of me for being in front of me for being. Charleston, South Carolina which I, yeah, Joseph Coker. He was, uh, he reached out to me to headline a show down in South Carolina. Okay.

And it's going to be at the sparrow. And then follow me at J-Lev comedy, Instagram. Sweet. Patrick? Patty is funky on Instagram. I also have a blog called Pink Brain. com. Yeah, it's pretty funny, I'd say.

Okay. I had someone comment on it, and they're just like, yeah, this is good satire. I almost believed it until, and it's funny because, like, they said, that is good satire. That is good satire, but they said, I almost believed it until you said Trump invited Pence to his home in Mar-a-Lago. But like literally two paragraphs before that, I talked about how Trump had so much gay porn in Mar-a-Lago that they had to create a new word to quantify. how much it is. Like, it's called an oodle of gay porn.

He had 12.4 oodles. I like oodles. I like the word. And an oodle is the amount of gay porn it takes to turn the straightest man in the world into the gayest man in the world. And he believed that. Yeah.

So I guess it's, you know, it's really warp your mind. Yeah, it's on my Instagram. All right. I'll check it out. Fuck yeah. I had a fucking blast. That was great. Thank you, buddy.