Morning Good - It's a Turf War - Episode 50

Episode Date: November 7, 2021

Thanks to the listeners for getting us to 50 EPISODES!! We appreciate every download! Make sure to check out these featured comics and give them a follow to show support and get any info about stuff they have coming up.You can find Pat on Instagram @patbarrystandup and Jake @jake_velazquez.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to Morning. All right, hell yeah. I'm here with Pat Barry and Jake Velazquez. Vlasquez. Perfect. All right. There's like a million times I fucked up your name, Ben.

Thank you for having us. Yeah, yeah, for sure. You were talking about Equinox? We're talking Equinox. Jake is a huge Equinox guy. Yeah, so I recently joined. I was convinced by another comic, Zach Brazow, who I guess brought Pat yesterday. I went yesterday, and I used to play pickup basketball all the time, but this is my first

time playing in a few years. And what I was just saying was like, I was shocked at how many temper tantrums I saw. Yeah, was it like old guys? Grown men. Yeah. I would say age, age range 26 to 37. Oh, okay, that's not like super. I thought you were talking like 40s or 50s.

No. Because I feel like old guys like that will get into fight for like, and it's always weird. You're like, you have a lot to lose. Like I'll see like old guys like in like almost a physical conversation. See, nobody like fist fought, but like a guy like kicked a basketball to the other end of the court. Brazow had to like jog and get it. It was the funniest thing. Last time we played.

Because I'm the, I'm not. Oh, the wee microphones. We hold it a close. Oh, sorry. Last time we played like I'm not a, you know, a huge basketball guy, but we played a lot where I grew up. And Brazow is like pretty, pretty awful. So I was like giving him the business a little bit And this guy was on his team that was like 45

I was just yelling at him He's like you're a foot tall than him You can't defend him He was like freak it out on him the whole time And it was at Equinox And this guy was like Was getting intense I was like dude it's like a pick up basketball

Literally that's what I caught myself saying three times Like guys this is Equinox Yeah Have some class first of all And second of all who the fuck cares No me and Brazauer were the worst ones by a mile Really? We got like no touches.

I used to be like a decent pickup player. I would say I'm better than Brazow. But my thing is I hate playing full court. I don't want to fucking run full. My ideal pickup is four on four half court. Just so much funner. There's more... There's more space.

Yeah. I like the least coordinated person on the planet. Yeah? I did wrestling in high school and then I quit junior year because I wanted to like... Because tournaments are on weekends. I just want to drink on weekends. I don't want to do shit. Wrestling is also the most like brutal high school sport.

Yeah, because like the weight loss and shit, it was horrible. I was on Adderall. So I was like, I'm not going to eat anything and I'll be fine. But the workouts, too. Wrestling, when I went to high school, the wrestling kids would like jerk off about like how hard it was. Oh, yeah. It's like 6 a.m. We fucking punch each other in the face.

Yeah, no, it's nuts. And then I did football in middle school because I said this a million times, but I joined the football team because I literally thought it would get me pussy just being on the football team when I was like. How that one? I got it outside of football. Like I didn't get played at all, but like, I like how I still have to justify. Like, I still got pussy, bro. It's just for all football. But, dude, the football coaches hated me because I just fuck around the whole time.

And, like, I was friends with the people that were, like, actually doing well in football. So I was just, like, negatively contributing to the team completely because I was just fucking around a bunch. Honestly, you're from Florida, so I would assume that being on the football team would get you some pussy by proxy. Dude, I was, like, we had a middle school team, like, six through eighth grade. And my eighth grade year, I was third string. So, like, I was not, I didn't, it was not any games. I thought just, like, I was basically the guy who carried the water and stuff. Honestly, looking back on it, like, it's exactly what I felt at Equinox yesterday.

I'm like, oh, you can see the people who have, like, nothing else in their lives. That's why they get so upset. Like, the guys who, like, pick up basketball at Equinox is, like, what they do. Oh, yeah. I mean, you know what? It's a lot of fun. It is a lot of fun. I actually had a really great time.

I think some people get sucked into it. Because I can see, like, we have comedy as our hobby, but there's a lot of people who, like, that is their hobby. Oh, literally. And that's my whole thing is, like, nothing bothered me in the game at all. And I guess that's because I just have like a bigger thing that I care about. But like these guys were getting so tight. Like someone would call a foul and they would argue for five minutes over whether or not it was a foul. I have a friend who is nicest guy.

You know, obviously like an asshole when he's drunk whatever. But when he plays basketball, it's the funniest thing because it's like he's a different person. Oh my God. He's like a white kid but just like become, you know, more like he's like, he's like, that ain't nothing. He blacks it up. He blacks it up, gets in people's faces. A little black scabal.

It's the funniest thing. He's a totally different person The full court though I was fucking dying dude I'm a half court guy That's what I realized By the end of this I am

I've been attacked by homeless people A lot recently Totally unrelated But it's getting out of hand So like obviously I like I sell tickets on the street corner And it's just getting crazier and crazy Is it all happening in that area

Or is it happening here It's happening in that area Because to be fair I'm on the street for probably like 30 hours a week I added up just crazy. You're basically on the corner as long as they are.

You're basically homeless. Yeah, it's a turf war. By the way, McDougal Street, too, I've gotten fucking, I've got a couple homeless beeps myself there. They're nuts. What would happen with this guy, somebody spin kicked me yesterday. It was the funniest thing. It was in front of the cellar. This homeless guy, I'm just walking.

He's the one he used to have dreads. He's a white guy. I know exactly who you're talking about. The most annoying guy on the planet. Yeah. How many gets a job? He got beat up by skaters this summer. I know exactly.

The white guy who used to have, like, orangey, blondeish drag. He's like 5'8 maybe. I know exactly what you're talking about. He, I'm just walking

and he's just, he's staring at nothing. And then he just spin kicks me. And I yell at him. I'm like, what the fuck? Dude, he's like,

oh, I'm sorry. I'm like, you didn't bump into me. You fucking spin kicked me. And then he's like, oh, I'm like, and I make it somewhat of a scene. I feel bad because I'm,

but everybody kind of knows that guy. So like, all right, he probably hit somebody or something. It was weird, though, because he went missing for like months. Like, I hadn't seen him in six months, and then I guess he's back.

He's probably at Bellevue, mental hospital. Oh, is that, why do they do six months? I don't know if it would be a full six months, but people didn't get put in there for like a full 30 days. Maybe it took her not long to get back, like to McDougal. He's just walking all the time. But it's like a super villain, like coming back after. But then I yelled at him and then I walk away. I'm like, whatever.

And I see him back in the corner, he's like, hey, man, can I have some money? I'm like, no, you just spin kicked me five minutes ago. He goes, no, I didn't. I go, yeah, you did. He goes, well, I pretended to. I was like, no, you kicked me. He goes, I did? And I was like, yeah, he goes, okay, and just walks away.

Holy shit. And that's a tough situation to being, because, like, you never want to be the guy who beats the shit out of a homeless guy. Of course. No, yeah, I was just yelling. I mean, it's fucked up, but it's kind of like bears where you have to, like, stand your ground and, like, this seem tough. But it's just so funny that he, like, I realize I'm like, there's no point.

He's going to forget everything. Like, this guy could, like, stab somebody with a screwdriver, the police shows up. He's like, what are you guys talking about? I was sitting on McDougal I was on the stoop Just on the phone Like a few weeks ago And it was like midnight or something

And a guy came by Asked me for money And I was like Oh no man Sorry And he just goes like Fuck you faggot And I was like yo

Don't fucking call me that He's like I got something for you man And just began reaching in his pants I knew he didn't actually have a gun But like the McDougal McDougal's uh They're a tougher homeless breed Dude right

They're fucking nuts Yeah I um one thing I saw that was hilarious This like two days ago I saw this like There's this like fat rich guy Like crying like drunk in the pizza place

and he starts talking down on himself and a homeless guy like talked him out of like maybe killing himself I'm not sure because the guy was talking and he's like I'm not worth anything and the homeless guy goes don't you fucking say that don't say that like almost hitting the guy hyping him up that's a sign you're worth nothing

oh yeah the homeless guy's hyping up that would make him kill himself but anything you know that like motivational speaking where you're almost mad at the person you don't talk shit about that person Because that person is my friend. Yeah. Yeah. And the guy's just like, I'm so scared. I don't know what to do with my life. And the homeless guy is just like, you're going to beat somebody.

And the homeless guy literally goes and gets napkins from the pizza and is wiping the tears away from like the rich. That's actually beautiful. The napkins detail warmed my heart. Yeah, exactly. That's beautiful. That's amazing. But how do you know he's rich? Because the guy was talking about the homeless guy's like, I have so much money. I come from a rich family. But I guess the other guy I think they're both both Yeah

You got dude This is a common like scam that good guy Like and it was like at the end I gave him both money Yeah Yeah He just got fucked by both of them But it was just like

It was the way he was like He's talking about He's like I have so money And I just throw it all the way I just you know I never always fuck up But my favorite's that line The homeless guy used that line

Where the guy's talking bad About himself He's like I'm an idiot And he's like You don't talk bad about that person Because that person is my friend Like you know what I mean It's like

Tough love love. It's like he's showing affection for the guy by hating on him for hating on himself. Exactly. Actually, what I try and do is because I feel like it's such a quandary because it's like, you never want to just like ignore them outright because that is pisses them off. And it's like, you know, you want to acknowledge people as a human being. But then the more you acknowledge them, the more you get opened up for bullshit, that same night that I was on the stoop that the guy like threatened a knife me or whatever he was threatening. I don't know. Another guy came by is like, look, man, I'm just trying to get enough money to get to Penn Station, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like,

look, man, like, you could take the F train to Penn Station. I was like, I'll swipe you in. I was like, well, then you can walk. I was like, look, I have no cash for me, but next time I see you, like, I'll give you a dollar. And he goes, a dollar. I'm like, that's how crazy the homeless had become in New York that now, like, a dollar is considered unacceptable. There was once, this was also back in the day.

So, like, money actually meant something. But I was with my friend, we had like no money. I was eating pizza every night. This homeless guy goes, you guys got any money? We both had some change. Or like how much? And he goes, $10?

And I was like, bro, that's half my net worth. Yeah. That's what he said. I came home the other night and like my street that I live on the Lowery's side

is really bad with homeless and like drug people because you have like the projects on one side who sell the drugs and then you have like this church I'm like, I mean down that.

I know exactly we're talking. Yeah. Wait, really? On Pitt Street? It was like, it was one of those projects. It's so funny because the guy calls me. I've only done ketamine

like I do it all the time. I've never done it. Great. Neither have I. I have assured it's pretty good. Should we do it right now? As long as you don't cable. Let's do it for the fun.

Yeah. Let's do it for the bus. Dude, I'm in. I love it. But it's so funny because I called the guy and he's like, yo, there's a girl walking her dog

across the street. She's got what you want. Although it's a really weird way to sell it. But anyways, you were there. So I, yeah, my street, you got the projects which sell the drugs, the homeless people, but on one side of the street,

And then on my side of the street, you have this church that, like, feeds the homeless people. And I think sometimes lets them sleep there and shit like that. So it's like, it really is the perfect bizarre for like just drug users, drug cop and whatever. And so I come home the other night and there's a guy sitting on my stoop blocking the door, finishing up a crack hit. And I'm just like, oh, excuse me. Like, I'm just going to the door. And he goes, oh, my bad, my bad. He's like, fucking bitch took my last hit.

Fucking girl ran off with my last hit. And so I was earnestly trying to like help him. So I was like, well, look, man, like the guy right over there probably has more if you want to run. run over it. Like I pointed out, like, I know one of the guys that sells crack. I'm like, over there and he goes, yeah, yeah. Can I have $10? I was in a bad room. I had to love them. I was like, look, dude, I'm not going to give you $10 to buy a crack. Like, we know the veil has been pulled back. Yeah, yeah. We're just honest at this point. Yeah. It's, uh, there was this one guy, he, um, there's this guy McDougal's, you probably, I don't know, he's like, he's like,

maybe Hispanic. He has like curly kind of hair. But this guy the other day, he pulled a, what he pulled I think I may have talked about this already, but the dude, first off, he comes up to me, and he locks me in a fake jail cell. He goes, he literally goes, he goes, you're in jail. And I was like, all right, man. Just like, when I'm selling tickets, he's like, and you're not getting out. And he puts, like, puts the key in his pocket. And I was like, all right, man.

And they start to walk and he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he, like, touch me. I was like, don't fucking touch me. And then he pulls out this thing. It's a wooden umbrella handle that's shaved into a shank. Oh, man. Which is the scariest thing. And then he goes down the street.

and because I leave I was like I'm just not gonna fuck like it wasn't like he was he was kind of like incoherent so it wasn't like he was like I'm gonna stab you but he just pulled it out of his pocket while we're talking and I was like okay I'm leaving and then I come back and literally the pizza owner of like Ben's has a pocket knife and he is circling the guy in the streets who has the thing

and the dude's like swinging the fucking thing around and then um McDougal's gotten crazy as fuck dude Greenwich Village is insane it's first of all it's expensive as fuck and the homeless situation in Greenwich Village and Lower East Side and Hell's Kitchen are where you get like accosted. So many. And

yo, the homeless problems. I think it's because they can survive so well there. The subway too, it's like I feel like it's like night and day. Like right now versus like pre-pandemic. Oh, absolutely. Homeless people. Oh, it's nuts. I had a crazy situation recently too on the subway. This guy came on obviously homeless.

There's a girl visiting that I'm with. So she's not from New York. It's like her first time here. And she obviously wants to switch cards. But in my mind, I'm like, this is just like a homeless guy. This is fine. Yeah. Yeah. And then he starts. start smoking something. Turns out it's crack or something, but I don't...

I have my mask on, so I can't smell. And this guy next to him, this Mexican kid is like, oh, do you mind if I hit that? I haven't smoked for, like, three months, and I'm like, this is not a good idea. Oh, man. You're watching somebody relapse? He starts smoking with him.

But I'm on an impression in sweet. I think this kid also thinks it's weed. Then within a stop, the kid just goes like this, falls over, starts seizing. Oh, my God. This girl's white as a ghost, like, Never been to New York. She's like, I'm never coming back.

Never coming back. Jesus Christ. Jake, you couldn't have splurge on an Uber? Got a girl fucking visiting you. Not only that. You don't even have a fucking... I'd even change cards. I was like, nah.

Dude, one time? This is like... Also, what crackhead is kind enough to give his crack to somebody else? That's not... I don't even at PCP, right? Oh, okay. Dude, I guess that would ask for weed.

Oh, he doesn't enjoy... One funny homeless person's right. I was doing a, like, a mic out... At the music end, and there's this, like, really funny, like, he's literally four-foot-four, almost illegal midget homeless guy and he comes over

I thought you said illegal he's an illegal midgett he's an illegal midgets out of here he used to be 5, 6, that he's 5, 4 and he comes over and he goes he like he sings nancy's like ooh who does anybody have a cigarette somebody gives him a cigarette

and he goes survey says I'm getting fucked up tonight I immediately went in my pants and just gave him a dollar I was like, that's so funny. Oh, there's some very entertaining, all those people in the city. For all the bad ones, there's, like, one amazing.

Yeah, yeah. My favorite is this guy that I talk about all the time, but he blocks McDougal Street for, like, he'll randomly just block McDougal Street, and he will block up traffic for, like, two hours. And then he'll start charging people for coming, for opening the barricades. That guy can give me $5, $5,000,

and then he'll open it up. And I talked to one of the cops out there, he's like, yeah, I don't know, it's a good business model. Like, he doesn't stop the guy. Oh, the cops don't give a shit anymore. That's really funny. There's a guy once on the subway that did stand. Just did stand up and he murdered.

Oh, Are you talking about Brandon? I know this one. This was so long ago. This was like when I was in high school as a bus boy. So I'm wondering if, I don't know. There is a homeless comic named Brandon who's fucking hilarious. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, Brian Scott.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know, Brandon Scott. He's funny shit. He's funny shit. This guy was like who influenced Brendan Scott, though. He's like an old-timer. It is also crazy, though, that homeless people are on Facebook now because Oh, there are homeless people with phones. Dude, I know a guy who almost got stabbed.

He was using one of those charging terminals. And the guy, like, actually not stabbed, I tried to hit him with a hammer. Because it's like, that's his... Dude, there's a homeless guy on my block, and this is like a positive homeless story. He's homeless, and he's like, I don't think he does drugs.

I think he's just so severely mentally. Like, he can't speak. He just, like, spews and kind of spits all over himself. And, like, first of all, I've seen him every single day, never seen him eat. I don't know how he's alive. and both me and my roommate have offered him like money cigarettes. He won't take it.

I've offered him a dollar for he's like, nah. Dang. Yeah. One time my roommate gave him a cigarette and the homeless guy tried to give my roommate a dollar. Oh, because he's like, oh, yeah. He's like the most benevolent homeless person. Me and my roommate joke around him's like, he's definitely like a test from God or something. Oh, yeah.

Like something's going to happen and he's going to be like, you pass the test. And we both like ascend to heaven. It is funny because everybody's always like, you know, they're like, you know, homeless people aren't just a bunch of drug addicts who, like, you know, are always, it's like, you know, there's some of them are, you know, single mothers. But not all of them. You know what I mean? Both sides is not all of them.

It's like there's, everything is like a mix of scumbags. Dude, by the end, you reach your wits end. Like, I will, I'm fighting back from snapping on a homeless person, which I know sounds terrible. But it's like, when it's your tent interaction of the day of somebody being like, well, then fuck you then. Like, it's like, all right, now I'm irritated. Right.

For me, it's less angry. It's more like, I think that I don't want to keep being bothered. So if you kind of like are more loud, they'll kind of. back away. Well, there's so like Riverdale where I grew up, pretty like family-friendly area, and they're planning to put a homeless shelter

132 single homeless men. So like the community's up in arms right now and it's kind of amazing. There's like these protests. They're like something out of the Sopranos. They're like, keep these homeless people out of one dayboards. That's hilarious. It's amazing.

I mean, it went terribly for that Upper West Side shit. They like put a bunch of homeless people in this like hotel. That's how the guy from Honey I Shrunk the kids got punched. Oh, really? He got punched on the Upper West Side. Yeah.

Yeah, I got that. I thought it was at the M&M store. What the fuck would he have been doing at the M&M? There's no way he would be at the Eminem store. I could be wrong. These M&Ms are so big. Yeah. He likes feeling like it's in the movie.

Look at the M&M&M. That's so funny. That's hilarious. The one of the one of the one. the things I saw last week was funny too, because I saw this guy and he was just on the ground, like, right in front of the groove. And I was like, hey, have you guys called 911 one and a half? It's like, oh, he

grabs some girl's ass and then her husband just punched him in the face. Oh, my God. No, dude, shit is gritty, man. You're from Rivetal. I'm from, like, this is the craziest I've seen the New York. This is the craziest I've seen New York ever in my lifetime, at least. It's fucking I'm glad to be part of it. Wild out here, man.

I think, like, when we were kids, because I didn't come to city nearly as much, but when I was like 1 to 10, this city was kind of, like the 90s. See, I was born in 96. And like, in the 2000s, I would come to the city all the time. When I was like 10, I went to the city like by myself, would like walk around, go to Times Square and shit.

And now it's, yeah, it's crazy. And it's crazy. And it's so crazy. My rent got raised $600. I'm like, are you guys fucking insane? Yeah, yeah. I'm like, this is not where it used to be. Like, you know, COVID's cut over.

Like, no, it's not over. Wait, by the way, how many days did they give you more than 90 days notice? Yeah. Okay. Because there's apparently, someone told me there's some law, I never looked it up so it could be bullshit, but if they don't give you 90 days notice, then you can refute it. Because 90 days isn't enough time to find a new place, allegedly. Yeah, they probably

did it exactly. Yeah, they're pretty good at that state. Yeah, they're good at that shit. Damn, it's. We definitely could have bargained more. That's my thing. My girlfriend's like, what's just go for? I'm like, no, they're going to, I guarantee you. So it's direct, so it is a good place, but it's directly above a bar. So the only people live in. Definitely bargain. Yeah, the only people living here, too, are our demographic. It's like, no

No old people are going to live directly above a bar because it goes till 4am. So I'm like, we've been great tenants. So anybody else living here is going to be giant party animals. Asap Rocky, I don't know if he still does, but ASAP Rocky had an apartment across the street. Yeah, you told me about it. I've told a million people about that.

I had a friend who lived with her. She was really wealthy. She was actually like an auctioneer. She came from rich family, but she was rich from auctioneering too, and she lived in that building, which, by the way, is super nice.

I don't know. I think she just worked for one of the auction houses. She wasn't like the one who actually like, but I was, but I was. I think of those are even trying to do. Dude, I was at her place one time, and he literally pulled up in, like, a, whatever, like a black SUV, like, with a couple people and just walked into the lobby. That's fucking bad, yeah.

Yeah. Sick. Yeah. I was probably celebrities. I feel like all I see is comic. That's all Michael Keaton one time. That's pretty cool. That's my favorite actor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not, like, obsessed with Michael Keaton. I would, that's, I've seen a handful of celebrities. I would cancel them all out just to see one Michael Keaton. I used to, I saw a Judea Friedlander. I've seen Alec Baldwin now.

I've seen Alec Baldwin. Yeah. Just in the last couple days. I actually... I played glass. I saw Alec, you visit him at Wreckers. I saw Alec Baldwin on the street many years ago and like I'm a huge 30 Rock fan

but I knew like he's so pretentious that like that wouldn't be enough. And he hates when people interact with him. Oh, of course. And so I was like, Alec Baldwin, I love your podcast because he has like an NPR podcast that's so pretentious. And he just turns to me, he's like, thanks. It was so dope. It was awesome.

He's, uh, yeah, he's in Washington, or not anymore, obviously, but he used to always be in Washington Square Park. He was the only homeless person there back in the day. I saw Neil Brennan. You see him, he dresses homeless. Oh, he looks like... Yeah, Alec Baldwin.

He looks... Like, that's why I'm... Really? It's like he would be the only homeless person there. I saw him walking around. He was with Eladia, and she looked hard as fuck, and he looked like he couldn't walk. He looked like he had gout.

The first time I saw him, I was with my friend, and I was like, who's that homeless person with that hot-ass girl? Yeah. Oh, that's Alec Baldwin. That's fucking... Wait, did he, some people say his girlfriend or his wife, like, pretended to be Hispanic or something? Yeah, that was, like, a big controversy, like, eight months ago. She was doing it for a while, too.

Really? Post-con controversy, she was still putting out videos on her video. She speaks with an accent, and she, like, clashed you from Spain. It turns out she, like, went to Spain for, like, a summer. She, like, plainly went to board. It's just, it's so funny. Like, it's crazy. I like.

I like. It's hilarious. It's absolutely hilarious. I thought about, I was in a Mexican restaurant the day. I saw somebody that looked like one of my friends, and I'm like, how, anybody, but you speaking in a thick accent. I'm like, how funny would that be one of my, like, he works at the restaurant? You got to do the accent. I'm sorry. He's like, are you serious? And then he has to drop it around me. He's like, I do. I'm like, you don't have to speak like that to me. He's like,

I do. But I, uh, I took Spanish lessons because I want to learn, but I like, don't speak any Spanish. Pat, I found that Pat speaks more Spanish than me. And, uh, but when I took these lessons, they, they, like, your accent's so good. It's like, yeah, because I'm just, like, like, imitating. Oh, I'm just like, Spanish person. Yeah, no, same with me. It's not my natural accent. I'm just like, But also the funny, the Spanish I learned is, I think, whatever, like, Castilian or whatever, I can't remember, which is like... Catalan, or... Which is, like, Spain, Spanish.

And, like, when I speak to, like, Dominican people, they, like, look at me and disgust. They're, like, it's basically the equivalent of talking like this or something. Like, it's, like, it's so regal and, like, like, whatever, like, nerdy, straight-laced. Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. The opposite. You go somewhere else. They, like, Dominican speak Spanish.

Like, their mouth is falling out. They're like, I don't get on. I don't get on. Yeah. Why? That's the cab company in my neighborhood is run by Dominicans and you would call them

they would just be like this. Two minute, too minute, too minute, too minute, too many. That's the funniest cab company ever. That's hilarious. It's a way, I've talked about this in the podcast for, but it's so funny because it's offensive to do somebody else's accent

in your own language, but if you're doing their language, it's offensive to not do the accent. Yeah, it switches completely. I have a bit sort of like that, like the Asian, but with an Asian accent, but it's like, yeah, like, that's how you say,

the thing. Oh, yeah. You know, like that's... Have you seen that video there's... We can cut this out if we have to. But there's an word

in Chinese that is the N word, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It means like yes or something. Yeah, or it's like that. Yeah, yeah. There's like a pause. It's like, um, um, um, um,

um, so it's like they'll like say they're like, N word, N word, N word, you're like, Jesus. That's so funny. Or like, one of them... You can't tell people like, don't use your language. Like, this is the word.

Dude, and one of the most hot, popular Japanese whiskeys is N-I-K-A and so it's like try ordering that at a bar and it's also coffee grain whiskey so it's like

what is that's where all the black and Asian violence came from you're just speaking the thing and then they're like it's just a miscommunication what the fuck you just said he's like he's like

he's like that that that what that Although I fucking back to the homeless people I feel like 90% of the assaults were by just, at least in New York, were by schizophrenic homeless people.

Yeah, well, that's a hard part. I think what happens a lot is like people with schizophrenia then become homeless and they do drugs just because you like to sleep on the street you have to do drugs. Like for my understanding. That's interesting. Oh yeah, you got it.

It's like, how the fuck are you going to fall asleep on like rock? Yeah, who's this nut job, sober? Yeah. It'd be crazier to not do drugs. Every once in a while I'll see like a homeless nook that actually looks kind of cozy. Like when you get off the bike path in Brooklyn on the Williamsburg Bridge, like there's a dude who has like a little like, there's like a stone thing underneath the bridge and he just has like blankets and like a pillow. I'm like, that looks kind of nice. Yeah.

Dude, they got the outlets at the subway stop by me in the wall. So some guys set up camp and they like use the outlets. Like this one guy had like a full on power strip. I was like, is that Dune? Dude. HBO Max. Dude, there's like a fucking blender.

It was like a nice. It was like a nice setup. There's like a coziness too. It's camping. It's like urban camping. A dude near me converted one of those like tablets with like the charging booth and like you can make free phone calls on it.

He just wrapped the tarp around it and that's literally just like his house. It's like 2001. By the way, those tablets are so fucking annoying because the one thing you want to know is the time and they don't have the time on it. Wait,

what just happens on? The ones that you can, You know the things on the street? Like, it'll be like CityLink, NYC. And, like, it has Wi-Fi. You can, like, charge your phone in it. You can actually make free phone calls. They're all over the place.

Oh, but it doesn't have, like, the time. It doesn't have, like, the time. It has a big screen with ads on it, and then you don't even know what fucking time it is. Yeah. Those are, it's crazy that those are, I always need, I always forget those are a thing when I go to, like, charge my... Because I don't know.

I feel like it's hard to find a place to charge your phone. It's great. It's knowing the train stations don't have outlets. That's, like, I wish I... The new train stations, like the queue. If you go on the queue, they have them, but I don't know if they have it once you enter. But they have them, that's where the homeless people plug in. But that's also going to be homeless turf where it's like you're going to have to pay a Vig or something like that.

They probably could go near it. I mean, like I said, my buddy almost got hit with a hammer for trying to use one of those. Dang. Link NYC, the big tablet thing. That's the scariest thing because I'm like, dude, if somebody robs me, I'm like, okay, I'll give them money. You know, this is that. I'm like, there's one video. You see that guy, a lot of people get machete and axe attacked just out of the balloon.

Oh, or in New York. No, it's big in New York. The box cutter to the face is a big New York move. Yeah. Especially on the subway, you hear about that. I just saw a video today of a guy gets on the train with his like four kids and he's just, you know when someone's like looking for a fight? He's just clearly in a bad mood.

And so he's like, scream like, get out of the way. Make room for me and my kids. Whatever. Blah, blah, blah. And this like woman just goes like, take a chill pill. And he like gets right in her face. She's like, say it again. Say it again.

She goes, chill pill. And he just tags her in the face. And nobody does anything. It's the saddest fucking thing. Literally nobody does anything. He's with his kids just behind him? Yeah. Well, the kids aren't in the video, but he's like alluding to being with his kids.

It's great. Maybe he's crazy. The kids aren't there. Who knows? Who knows? But he decks this woman. And she eats the punch. Oh, shit.

Literally eats it. Good for her. Saying it, too. Yeah, props on her. Oh, my God. It's so funny to watch a white woman like not believe in Black Lives Matter in real time. Oh, yeah. She goes decked the vase.

She's like, uh, Trump, 2024. Yeah. Just immediately. Yeah. Yeah. It is nice when you get the street justice, though. Oh, yeah. You know, like a homeless person acting out on the subway and someone just like

Sticks up to them. Yeah. That happened to me recently. Like this, not to me, but like this huge guy just like goes next to like a smaller guy and that, you know, has a small guy that I took offense to that. Then he just starts pushing him out of nowhere, this homeless guy. And this, I guess the little guy like hit someone's wife. Like how you're talking to out.

You're at this little guy. He's fucking pipsqueak. Because why. It's some guy. wife. The guy stands up. He's like 6.30 fucking jacked. And he's like, hey, yo, apologize to my wife right now. The guy got off the train. The homeless guy got off?

The homeless guy got off. Oh my God. You could tell. That guy would beat the shit out of him. Absolutely. Yeah. He didn't take his chances. It was just great. It is a cliche, but it's the subway is the most ratchet place in here. I one time got on the subway and there was just, it was me and five other people on the train. And a

full Vespa. Not a fucking, like a Revel. Not like a Rebel brand Rebel, but a Vespa. I'm not talking about a scooter, a fucking European Vespa, a $7,000 Vespa. And so I'm assuming I'm like, okay, like one of these five people brought their Vespa on the subway. I'm riding for like 10 stops. Every one of the OG five people that I got on ends up getting off and new people getting on. Somebody just left a Vespa on the subway.

Oh my God. I couldn't. There's no key. It was like locked or something. I don't know. Also, I don't want to get caught stealing the vet. This could be a bait Vespa. This could be what would you do?

Who knows? Yeah, the guy's just going to come out. He's like, he's like, why did you steal this? I'm John Kenyonis. But that was shocking to me, because I got on, and, like, you know what I'm talking about. There's five people on the subway. Did you lose something on the subway? There's no way of, like, it's not like an Uber week.

Oh, no, it's gone. That might be the only thing you might be able to actually find for, like a pole. It was crazy to me because I was like, it has to be one of these five people's, and then as I rode the train, each one of those five people got off and got off. And I was like, who the fuck just left of Hespon on the train? That's insane. What the fuck? I just get off the train and be like. Oh, I forgot my bag.

What the fuck? He checks his pockets. I don't forget something. That's hilarious. That's why I hate backpacks in New York. I will forget my backpack place. I don't bring it as much anymore. I used to bring backpacks everywhere,

but I'm like, dude, I will forget it. Especially at like a bar. I'm like, oh, I'm going from shows to go to a bar. I'm like, I'm not going to remember that. Dude, one time when I was like, I was probably one of the poorest I've ever been and I'm like waiting for this mic to start. So I'm sitting outside of a deli eating a piece of pizza, and I accidentally left my backpack on the street.

So I go and do the whole mic, come back, realize, oh, fuck, I left my backpack. So I'm, like, looking for it everywhere, can't find it. Finally, I give up and start walking to the train. And I see my backpack on the sidewalk. This is how broke I was. I go through my backpack.

The only thing that was taken was a joint. I had nothing of value in my backpack besides, right? And it was, like, a nice joint that someone gave me. It was one of those, like, California, like, rolled in keef joints. I was, like, so sad. Those are deadly, though. Deadly. It was such a sign of, like, how broke.

They didn't take my clothes, my notebook. They just took the joy. It's fucking hilarious. That's frustrating. I was, oh, the same guy. I forgot this. So the guy that got punched in the face, he'd been out by the groove every day.

He comes up with a guitar, and he plays a horrible singer, and he goes, I'm going to come here every day for the rest of my life until you let me perform here. And then he just plays guitar in front of the groove.

Holy shit. Dedicated. And then he said he was the second coming of Jesus. It's so crazy, that's a very common thing for schizophrenic people. Like, I had a friend who's schizophrenicry. He thought he was Jesus. That's like, they think they're, like, that's a weirdly, like,

maybe that. Yeah. You go over to the Middle East, it's like, I'm the second coming of Muhammad. Yeah, exactly. That would be a riskier. I imagine Jesus was just some nut job. Oh, yeah, Jesus was just nuts. That is a valid theory.

That's the thing. It's always crazy to me. It's like, there's a lot of, like, I have a friend. He's, like, a kind of conservative, Q&on kind of conspiracy theorist guy. And they're all, yeah. My guy. They're all, like, so anti-pedophile. But I'm like, dude, people in biblical times had sex with,

children constantly. And you think randomly, they were just going to be like, hey, this is not going to be cool at that. Like, if it was the word of God, there's no way God's like, now it's cool. But in the future, not cool. You know what? This is the least kid fucking that's ever happened in history. Yeah, exactly.

If you watch the Rost, if you watch like the Friar Club, the Rost from like the 1950s, all the jokes are like, uh, Frank Sinatra, you know, never been with a girl above the age of 16. Never. He's like, laugh at him. Like, what the fuck are you guys laughing? Holy shit. is insane. No, I know. That was like the biggest, like, rock and roll thing. It's like, damn, he's got a 13-year-old girl.

Yeah, yeah. That's how you flex. Everyone. Like, it's just, that used to be not maybe like children, but like 16 to 20 was like, totally, for 50-year-old men was like. I mean, for fuck's sick. Wasn't Mary like 13 when she had Jesus? Something that, like. Yeah. How old was Joseph? But she was a virgin. Okay. Okay. It doesn't count. Yeah. Joseph's the first cuck. that's hilarious. Yeah, I don't know. It's just, it is a weird thing. I want to get one of the podcasts so bad. A pedophile?

I would get canceled immediately. You'd have to get it from behind bars because no one's going to be like, not in jail that's like, I'm a petapal. No, no, I mean, somebody who went to jail and is out and is like, I would be so curious because I'm like, what's it?

I mean, I don't want to hear like details or anything. That's so funny. It'd be funny if someone knocks on the door, you know, like the registered sex. And I'm like, yeah, hop on the bottom. Yeah, yeah, we got to set up. The guy's like, what's in it for me? Michael's like, I don't know.

I live across from school. I was painting. That's fucking, yeah, I don't know. It would be. God, that'd be weird. I had to joke about that. I had to change it to people who have sex with animals because, like, the pedophile wants too hard.

But, like, if anything, because I strongly do believe that, like, being friends with somebody doesn't make you them necessarily. You can totally just, you can be like this person's a piece of shit, but I'm still friends of them. And I was like, in the, if you were friends to pedophile, the more time he spends with you,

the more time he spends not fucking kids. So in a way, it's like every beer with me is like one kid. You're doing good. Like right now, I'm stopping any kids

from getting fucked. Like zero. That's true. That's true. Also, like, you're... Every time he forgets his wall... I forget my wallet

at his house and have to go back. That's like me saving somebody. And also, you get to choose where he goes. He's like, let's go to this restaurant. You're like, oh shit, that's your playground.

Let's go to this other... I always thought that would be a funny thing like, like pedo maps. Like, you know how it's like Google Maps? It takes like 30 minutes running, 30 minutes, like avoiding schools. It's like it, because they have to avoid like that.

That's hilarious. Yeah, that's always such a creepy thing. There's like that website. I think it's called like watchdog or whatever and you just put in any zip code and it has the list of registered sex finder. And you're like, Jesus Christ. Oh, it's a lot. There's a lot.

Dead. You're like, is that you? What the fuck? It's just your house. Like, what the hell? Are you kidding me? That's terrifying. This is the thing so weird.

Because what if you have to go somewhere that's like directly across from a school? And you're like, I really need to go to this H&R block. Oh, because you can't be within 400 feet? Yeah. Also, it's like, how are they able to gauge distance? Like, how are you just to be able to tell? It's like, what's 400 feet? It's like, what happens if he's like, oh, I'm 397 feet.

They have special goggles and like measured distance. That's hilarious. Maybe that's a good way to like, if you did have a friend that's a pedophile to, like, just get out of things. Be like, oh, let's go here. And then it's like, oh, let's go there. It's like, you know, anything else. That's like the episode. That's an episode of pedophile curve.

a school. That's amazing. That's fucking hilarious. I don't think that's one thing I I was not a joke I tried to do and work but like it's funny because like on Halloween pedophiles had to like turn their lights on and they're not allowed to decorate which is good for them

but very bad for people that just don't celebrate Halloween because like I was just going around I remember looking at like Jehovah Witness House. I'm like you fucking perverts. It's always the weird thing to me like I had a couple people in my school like that too who were like so religious they didn't celebrate. Halloween.

Yeah. It's like, that's so pussy, basically? Because like, you ask them the reason, it's like, well,

because it's like devils and spirits. And I'm like, you're, I don't know. That's soft as fuck. Isn't it like a Catholic holiday technically?

Well, it's pagan, which is derived. Catholics are derived on that, I guess. Who knows? Wait, so pedophiles have to turn the lights on,

but no decoration. Turn the lights on. Carry me on. That's, I heard the rule is that in certain counties, they have to turn their porch lights off. Because if you see the porch lights off on, then you're like, oh, people, because it's, yeah, you're like, oh, people are having trick-a-truthers the porch.

So they've turned the porch lights off and then they're not supposed to decorate. I've actually heard in certain... Oh, so lights off is okay. I don't think... Jake, are you trying to tell us something? Jake is getting super concerned. I've also heard in certain counties that for pedophiles, Halloween is a freebie. You're like, come on, it's Halloween for fuck sake.

That's the sexiest cat costume of my life. That's a fucking one z for it. Okay. That's so funny. Halloween's coming up. Are you guys gonna dress up? I was gonna be Demi Lovato and my girlfriend's gonna be an alien

or extraterrestrial. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. I saw a video of her singing about aliens or something. Or she calls them extra tresses. I genuinely think, this is why genuinely believe. I'm deep into UFOs.

I am a crazy person with it. I acknowledge that I'm very gullible and I'll believe lots of UFO stuff. I believe that. the U.S. government push Demi Lovato to make this documentary to totally decredit

the UFO movement because they're like who's the dumbest person you could have talking about this and now they're like nobody will believe any UFO stuff after she talks about it

she's so fucking insane she's the kiss of death or they they they fuck yeah they have the kiss of death absolutely Demi Lovato's a they now during the documentary

everyone is just for what no she or are they they they are they they are I think certain people are real they's, they don't seem like

one of them. They don't because they keep doing things for attention. Yeah, it's like flipping around and shit. Well, they also like they, Demi, I'll just say Demi, way easier. Like in the documentary, it's like, we're saying she because during the documentary she was a she. So like the whole documentary is she, she, she, and now it's like

they. So like... I actually saw that, I saw something about that on... She just did it to seem like she had more supporters for the movement. It's like they think. So it seems plural. It's like three people who saw. That's just you, Debbie.

That's hysterical. Yeah, I saw it. There was like a warning flash. And it's like, at the time, Demi Lovato was cis, and now they're there. That's if you're watching and they say she, you're not going to be like, just in case.

Yeah. Just in case it isn't too triggering. Yeah. Oh my God. What if she just took off the whole documentary? She's like, nah, I can't do this. Well, there's probably a lot of people that see that and are just like, click.

Yeah. That's hysterical. Wasn't there somebody weirdly big at it against days though? And they're like, yeah, you are a she. Like, really getting into it. Like, you're not a they. How dare you?

But exactly, yeah, I don't really give a shit either way. But the documentary's so funny because at the time she's she's, I'll say fucking she. There's this woman who's talking about how she had sex and had like 24 alien babies. And then, Demi Lavando was like,

oh my God, I had ovarian sister. She's like, I think maybe the same thing happened to me. Everything people starts talking about, she goes, well, maybe that happened to me. And then the woman shows pictures of her alien baby And it is the funniest thing I've seen my life. Imagine like a painting of like a gray alien, you know, like the typical one.

Yeah. And then it just has like woman's hair on it or like curly hair. And it's like, it's a painting. Oh my God. And it's like it's a painting. It's not even a picture. Yeah, it's like you could paint anything. Yeah, of course.

Also, it's like, she's like, these out of my alien baby. Basically this woman just had 24 miscarriages. She's calling the alien. That's what, yeah. That's part of it. Yeah. Oh my god. Holy shit.

Yeah, that gets darned. Is this woman like a docksend? How the fuck did she have 24 kids? What the fuck? She had a litter. She had a litter of aliens. Pardon me, which I'm gonna call it. Extra terrestrial.

Dude, I'll call them whatever the fuck they want. Yeah. If they're gonna come here, I'll be like, I'll call you, he, she, they, whatever's the correct term for you guys. There's not, there's honestly too much shit to worry about it.

The aliens, everything, climate change. It's like, you gotta just disconnect and be like, I'm out. I'm the opposite. I go deep into aliens. And I'm like, I'm so far in. Like, I'm like, you're the guy, and I'm like.

You think anyone here isn't like, not in this room, but on earth, do you think there's an alien's present on earth right now? No, so I don't believe, like, the lizard people shit or any of that. Like, I don't think that they're in the government or anything. I think it's possible that they crashed, and, like, there was, like, one living for a little bit that they, like, had in one of the crashes. The weird theory is that, like, we merge with, like, they're supposed to be, like, cyborgs. That's, like, the whole idea is that, like, humans merge with, like, technology, and then, I don't know, there's all kinds of theories.

I've also heard that there's one of them, like, that, like, we are the aliens. Like, we were, like, a bacteria on, like, a comet or something, and then, like, when, like, like, when, the comet hit Earth, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't know. The ocean seems pretty alien-like. Well, yeah, that's the ultra-tirectional theory, is that they're not from other planets.

They're from inside the ocean, and they come out. Like, from inside. But, like, the other theory is that, like, the gray people are, like, basically, like, they're not from a different planet. They're just us from the future, and we merge this technology. And so they're time hopping back.

Yeah, I mean. But it's like, they're, like, emotionalists. I don't know. Well, no one can say anything because America, we have such, like, a suing culture, like a liability culture, that like everybody just says these like down the line statements.

Like I just saw a video of the head of NASA being like, look, I saw the video. And by the way, of course the head of NASA is like a Southern guy. So he sounds stupid. It is in Florida. He's saying the most smart things everybody sounds dumb as fuck just because he has a southern accent. He's like, well, here's the thing about quantum physics, my friend. I'm like a jaded northeast assholes. I'm like, I didn't even graduate college.

I'm like, there's no way this guy knows what he's like. But he was saying. If you have that or like a Jersey accent, like there's a lot of accents. absolutely. You're discredited and immediately. Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course. Yeah.

But, like, oh, that was creepy. There's, like, weird bagpipes outside of the apartment. Right as we talk about aliens, it's like, but dude, the NASA guy's, like,

talking about the videos that these, like, fighter pilots recorded of, like, some craft or whatever that just, like, rapidly changes altitude faster than anything we could have.

He's like, here's the deal. Like, we don't know. I'm like, all right, well, that's reassuring NASA. Like, thanks for that. Well, that's my funny

is I have a friend who's, like, I'm not, like, if you don't believe in it, it's whatever. But, like, I have friends, like, super skeptic. I'm like, no, the way they describe them is nuts. They're, like, it literally drops from, like, 80,000 to, like, 20,000. Like, not 80,000, or sorry, like, 80,000 to, like, 20 feet in, like, fours. It's, like, we don't have that technology.

It's also, it's terrifying if we don't have that technology. Like, if it's not alien. They had a tracker on it. And what the scary thing is is that they literally say, like, they admit, like, okay, this is a UFO. UFO doesn't mean alien. UFO literally means unidentified. And he's like, yeah, we don't know what it is. But if it's China, it's terrifying, too.

It's like, that's, yeah, it's a fierce. Part of me doesn't believe in, I mean, I obviously believe in propaganda, and we're just being controlled all the time by new or whatever. Hell yeah. Manipulated, whatever you want to call it. But I do think that we're not as good as we used to be because all these headlines now are like, like China sent some missile and the U.S. is like, the CIA comes forward and it's like, we have no idea how they did this.

It's like, that's the worst strategy. Pretend like we know. Oh, yeah. We should know. Makes us look like real weak Or it's the opposite way around And that's all propaganda What that's what I'm thinking about

Just so we go to like Some war with China We're like look they have these fucking missiles We don't know about Yeah we had no idea You know where the ones Like sold it to them Absolutely

I don't know I hope so I hope that's what it is Yeah I don't want to be the You know there's a certain luxury To being the world leader Oh yeah yeah

Yeah I'm also part of me is just like Playing stupid I'm like listen I'll make dick jokes till they're throwing me in the camp. Exactly. I'm like, I don't know what's going on. There had to be one guy in, like,

Oschwitz. There was a joke. Like, isn't there, like, there's this thing where, like, isn't that part of Schindler's list? Not the jokes, but like, isn't it like, hilarious movie?

I never seen it, but I heard a whole part of the movies like trying to, like, just get through day by day of like the worst possible, you're in the worst possible position in the world, but it's like trying to find a way

to like mentally deal with it. I didn't see it. Oh, you've ever seen it? I got to see it. They haven't seen it. And Auschwitz open mic. Five minutes for breadcrum? He's like, come on.

They're barely bad. It was so funny, though. One guy gets mad about it. He says, no, no, no, no. He's like, listen, the camps are one thing, but we're not doing open by comment. That's hilarious. He's like, what is this? He's like, this isn't bad enough?

Are you kidding? That's so funny. That's so funny. The guy's like wondering why he's bombing. He's like, Guys, come up. That's hysterical. And that is funny because, like, Jews, obviously notorious, not notorious, but, like, known as, like, one of the funniest groups.

Yeah. And it's like, they... Jewish people and black people have the best sense of humor. I'd throw gays on there, too. Yeah. Jewish people, black people, gay people are kind of, like, I always consider, like, kind of like the big three of humor. Yeah. Funny guys.

There's... And gals. And they's... But there's a lot of cultures that aren't prevalent in, like, stand-up necessarily or comedy, but I almost think are the funniest people, you know? Are you just laughing at other cultures? Hispanics and Irish.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Irish are hilarious. They're nice around them. I'm dying. Oh, the Irish, like, off stage are fucking hilarious. They're always cutting ass, like, fucking hysterical. And when I worked, like, I was a bus boy and all Hispanic, those are the funniest people.

Hispanics could be the funny. A lot of, like, because I worked at a lot of restaurants, too, but a lot of, like, bus boy line cook humor is just calling each other gay. Yeah. Which is hilarious. anything that happens is like you're like can I get a you know

can I get like the fish for table toilet he's like oh because you're gay it's just like everything is gay I worked at the restaurant there's like this one gay server at any time he would ask a question he'd be like he's like you know I need a this on table

whatever they'd be like ooh that's so funny I was like that's funny it's just he seriously need something like

I seriously would ask questions and like that's So funny. Like, Here's the food, don't put it in your ass. That's so funny

like the over exaggerated homophote to the point where it's like nobody's just doing that. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or it's always just like you, like them alluding to you wanting to hang out with gay. It's like, after work, you want to hang out with him? Like,

it's always that shit, dude, it's so funny. That's funny. And also calling straight people gay is just funny because they're not like, if you could change

that something else, it'd be funny. Like, a black guy, be like, you're really Chinese man. to say somebody something that they're not. I always thought that'd be like a funny sketch

where it's like somebody's trying so... Like, no, nowadays, it's like if you confuse two black guys, you're racist. Which, by the way, I think is ridiculous because I confuse people all the time. But anyway, if you confuse one black guy for another black guy, you're racist. So I think it'd be hilarious of a guy

like intentionally confused a Chinese guy for a black guy. Like, just to prove that he's not racist. He goes up to it. Everybody. Come on. I thought this Chinese guy was you. Chris Tucker.

He's like, Jackie. Jackie, what's up? Good to see you. Oh, fucking Leland has. I know it's bad for him to say someone's joke, but, like, Leland has that hilarious joke where it's like,

seeing Jackie Chan in public must be kind of a dicey scenario. Because, like, you don't want to go up and be like, you don't want to go up. You're like, excuse me, are you Jackie Chan?

Just too a Chinese guy. That's so funny. Yeah, that's really good. There is this thing called the same race phenomenon. And, like, it's so funny because the article

was published on the Guardian in like 10 years. Because I saw the article. It's like, oh, where is it? And like, there's a thing where every race looks for,

different features because every race has certain discrepancies. Like white people, we have different eyes. That's like one thing that's like different through all different color eyes. So we grow up around white people and the way we tell the difference is you look at their eyes and they have different eyes. But then other races might have different in spatial features. They're used to that. So everybody mixes

up everybody. Yeah, absolutely. I mix people up all the time. Like I'm relatives of mine. You just say the wrong name. It's just like a brain fart type of thing. I've had that. I think I'm getting older. It's like maybe it's a vaccine, but I saw like a relative. I saw like a relative, like a cousin recently and took me

like 30 minutes of talking to them to be like what's their name? Yo, dude, that happens to me all. It'll be somebody that I've like spent multiple nights with. I truly believe especially doing comedy in New York, you meet so many people and sometimes just for like a day and then you don't see them again for six months.

So it's like, it is a fact that the brain has a finite amount of names and faces you can store. So like there's certain people in comedy who it's like, I've been on car rides with them, we've done shows together and like they'll be like week stretches where I can't remember their name. Did you hear what happened with me?

I probably didn't tell you this, but I, there was this comic that I literally thought was Charlemagne the God. And he's to open my comic. And he started talking to me while I'm barking. And I thought I was like forming a relationship with Charlemagne the God. That's hilarious. For like weeks on end. You're like, aren't you supposed to be at work, bro?

It's breakfast. It's breakfast right now. And then somebody, I say something to him like, yeah, take it easy man. And I was talking to one of my friends who's another comic. I was like, that didn't seem weird, did it? He's like, what are you talking about? I was like, do you think I sounded like nerdy talking to him? He goes, who do you think that is?

And I go, Charlemagne. He goes, no. That's just like an open mic here. You thought was Charlotte. That's amazing. I'm like trying to like ride his coat tail. Like, he had in my mind, I'm like, really hanging out with it, putting into time. Like, just thinking it's going to make my career.

It's so funny. Why would Charlemagne just be standing on McDougal's stream? Well, if you're bargaining, like, comics will come to talk to you. And I know he's not a comic, but I thought maybe because he's friends of the comics. He's just like, oh, respect what you're doing or whatever. But yeah, it's just a different guy completely. Who's the cool, like any major comics that came up and talked to? Well, I know you said Gillis is a bunch.

People are constantly. Jim Norton's always not. There's, yeah, people, yeah. That's awesome. Oh, Jim Norton's a big one. Yeah, yeah. He just goes, hey, how's it going on? Just like stuff like that.

But then some people will actually stop. I don't want to name you up, but someone will go over and talk to you for like maybe like 10 minutes just about whatever. That's great. Yeah, yeah. It'd be funny to get one of them talking to you and just both get accosted by a homeless person. Then you'll build like a bond. Oh, yeah. Although I've heard good is such a.

Ticket tells me it's like he gets like Louis to buy a ticket. Louis's like, oh, fuck, okay. Yeah, I guess. Oh, yeah. Yeah, spend $20 to go watch. People, uh, it's like, do you never know who's going to be on the line of you? That's hilarious. You say that too, Louis like, Louis might be dropping it.

And Louis's like, yeah, fuck, maybe I will. Yeah. That's fucking hilarious. It's so. Yeah, no, it is funny to like, people get shud. so fucking mean when you're barking though. I've had the mean... I constantly have people say comedy show.

I've had four times if they go, I'd rather kill myself. Well, you know what, though? They probably... Well, rather kill yourself is a little extreme. But there's probably nights where you're like the fourth person to ask him. Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Especially on me too. I once was on a show at Old Man Hustle Brooklyn and there was like a really small turnout. So like the producer was like, oh, we'll go out and barking. I was like, oh, fuck it all. I'm standing on here chatting. I'll help you bark. And this one lady just goes, this whole thing, sad. I was like, I hope you get hit by a bus.

I was so fucked up. Probably the meanest thing I've done. I mean, I've said people that aren't anything. Like, I've just told people, go fuck yourself. I hate you, you're a cunt. I've said that. But one that was like, maybe almost on the line was this gay guy. I was like, comedy show goes, ew, no, I don't want to go to a comedy show.

And I was like, you're fucking polite. He goes, sorry, comedy's not interesting. And I look at him, I go, I bet you're so interesting. And he just flicks me off. That's hilarious. Because I'm also like, that's what the thing was like, dude, that's not your person. You saw a mean gay guy on TV and you're like, this is me now. You know what I?

That's not your personality. This is him taking a crack. Michael, dude, Michael's just like, damn, Charlamine's a dick. That's like a gay one guy. Dude, Charlemy, what an asshole. Yeah, no, that's tough. I mean, it is, it is tough. I mean, I flyer for the show that I run and like, it is hard those first few times when people just outright ignore you.

It kind of burns you. And then I remember, I'm like, for me to get mad at this, I would be the biggest hypocrite in the world. Because I ignore people all the time. The mix tape. For me, ignoring is different. The problem is when people go out of their way. Like I've had it where I literally am not barking at somebody. I'm talking somebody else about tickets.

And somebody walks across the street because they heard me and they go, nobody wants to go to your stupid comedy show. I call people probably four people I've called cunts, like to their face. That is way different than like saying, no, not at all. That's one thing. You'd be like, no, I don't want to go to your comedy show. But like walking across the street and then be like, I'm going. That's when you really just got a fucking flame him.

Like when the girl said like, Like, oh, that's sad. I was just like, fuck you, you basic, like, bitch or something like that. I don't know. You got to flame them back. You got to get a little dicey. But, I mean, who knows? Long before the New York getting dicey again, it's a fighting town.

Like, you get into arguments and someone's going to fucking fight you. Of course. And my thing, too, is like, I'm like, listen, I'm not mad at you for being a dick to me. I just have to respond. Yeah, of course. It's a double game. So you say something mean to me. I have to say something mean back.

I'm not going to be like, you're a horrible. Dude, I once gave a kid a. a flyer for a show I was promoting in Washington Park. Have you had to throw it right in front of you? Oh no, right when I walked away and was within two steps, he just ripped it. And it took everything in my power. And he was clearly like a freshman in NYU

had just moved here from Kansas. It took everything in my power and out to go just like dump water on his head. I was so fucking mad. But there's always just many things you want to do. I think I may have talk about some here, but like, do you ever see a school tour? There's always some kid wearing like all NYU stuff. And this wouldn't be illegal, but I would love to do it. Just walk up to him and just say,

you would literally never fit in here. If he had like a full ride, he would not go to school. We go up and we're just like, we're all laughing at it. Yeah, yeah. We go to this school and we'll make your life a living out. Yeah, that's so funny. It's like, I'm president of the student body. You're not welcome.

You're never going to work in this town. That is so funny because it's so funny the way everything flips because like NYU used to be like, NYU Harvard, all these schools used to be such like prestigious, like you'd be proud to go there, but now we've such like a hate the rich culture that like you run into an NYU kid at a comedy show. It's like, where do you go to school? They're like, NYU.

Yeah. I think NYU is like specifically. I hate it. I think if I heard someone went to like Harvard or Yale, I'd still be like but I'm saying people would be more proud to shout like where do you go? They're like fucking University of Phoenix. And like everyone would be like, yeah, hell yeah.

Like it's all flipped around. Yeah, you might be right. Well, it's also some of the people I see that go to like around, especially around The kids are like vampires. Like, they really dress like vampires. The perfect word is gender goblins. They literally are like fucking playing with crazy hair, bones through their nose.

Who the fuck knows? Like, what's his name? The guy at the machine gun, Kelly. That's trying to box. Jake Paul. Yeah. Jake Paul. Oh, yeah.

They think they're Jake Paul or they're like the gender guy. Dude, I haven't seen a fat teenager in years. Are dudes fat still? Like, I don't see the fat kid anymore. I never see fat teenagers. I like that goth is making a comeback, though. Yeah, but I want a fat. I miss fat kids.

They're cool. I don't even 100% agree. I don't know. There's plenty of fat kids. Now that you're saying this, I cannot think of a, I've not seen a fat kid in forever. Like girls, there will be fat girls. But fat dudes. Like, there's no fat dudes in like the group of those, like, sceney kids.

What's that family guy line? It's like, it's like, there's no fat men. Only fat women are fat. Oh, yeah. That's hilarious. That's hysterical. That's a circle. I never see like a fat kid with like the, what's it called the Jake Paul hair or the machine gun.

Like, and there's no fat machine. Like, there's no fat machine a killer. In my high school, the coolest kid was a fat guy that got a lot of pussy. That was, that was, that's, in my mind. First of all, there's nothing better than the fat guy who gets a lot of pussy. Because you know what I've noticed? Most fat people actually smell good. Because they're, they don't, nobody wants to be the fat guy that smells bad.

So like, tell me that you didn't have a fat kid in your high school who just always smelled like Abercrombie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're nice clothes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I love watching fat guys get pussy. I think it's such, it's great. I don't even think they need to be the, I do agree. but I don't even think they need to be the fat guy that gets a lot of posy.

They just need to be the well-dress. Like a clean fat guy is all that I'm asking. I see so many black Twitter memes of girls being like, it's winter, like can't wait to get me a fat dude. Like it's like fat dudes are killing it right now. And I like, I like seeing a fat. I mean, I was faff. I mean, I'm still kind of fat.

But maybe that's part of it. But like, they're like, there's something about that too where you see a fat guy with like, especially in my high school. There was kids like fat dude with like a beard and like a mullet who's just getting pussy. Like this guy, it's just the, there's something about. somebody who dress, who looks ridiculous, but is getting pussy, that makes you like it more. Absolutely. Then, like, a guy with a turtleneck getting pussy, I would hate him.

I would be like, you don't deserve pussy with your fucking turtleneck. Dude, it's funny, just back to the Washington Square Park thing, it's funny how Washington Square Park is fucking time. It's like four square blocks or something like that. And there is 12 different subcultures within Washington Square Park. Southwest corner is chess and heroin for some reason. Northwest corner is just straight up crack dealing. And then you got the center, which is skaters, southeast to NYU.

you and then northeast is rich people for some reason. Like it's like... That is wildly accurate. Dude, I have spent more time watching and Square Park than I would care to admit. There's a couple like meditation Buddhist circles. The Hari Krishna's. There you go.

And then, uh... Yeah. There's even... I think there's almost even more than four. Oh, there's like ten. Those are the corners. Those are the corner. There's ten. Dude, then there's...

Then you can't forget homeless people and all the other shit. Yeah. And then merchants. Now there's merchants. You go at night and there's people selling to. Watch the Square Park now is, it's even different than like when we were doing mic thing. Yeah.

Totally. It's totally off. Oh, it's like a party, though. Oh, yeah. I was once chilling before the Washington Square Park open mic during the pandemic and I literally saw a crack dealer

hit another crack dealer in the ribs of the bike lock. I have a video of it. We just went up and smashed him in the ribs of the bike lock. Dude, it's so funny because like it's a park. And so like I know Jake is into it too. I would try and like meditate there and shit.

And it's the funniest place in the world to meditate because like you finish meditating. It's just chaos. Like one time I was meditating and I'm like smelling shit. I'm like smelling a lot of shit and like I put my hand down and I'm just like whatever

and I open my eyes and my just my middle finger the tip of my middle finger is in human shit I was like talk about like an anti-Zen thing I literally fucking sprinted over yeah I literally sprinted over

to the fountain wash my finger I would consider I consider amputating my fucking whole arm and I just went off that's one of those New York City moments where like when that happens to you which is why people in New York are so scrappy

and willing to get into fights and conversations because everybody at some point in their day has a put their hand in shit equivalent. Oh yeah. You know, where it's like something happens where it's like, after I get my hand in shit, I'm most likely to like punch an old lady in the face. Or something.

Like somebody cuts in front of me and I'm like, fuck your mother! Like just your shit, you know, your wit ends. Yeah, I mean, there's too many people on top of other people. That's kind of... It's insane. Yeah. That's why it's so funny people should talk about floor.

I'm like, I, that plays a tropical If you do it correctly, going to Florida and not having boat access is like not having a jacket in New York City. Be like, New York sucks. It's like, well, you're not doing it. Personally, I have to tell you, I fucking hate what I hate about Florida is just, it's all strip malls.

Like, I know there's a couple like towns and shit like that, but like so much of the Florida that I've seen is just like, you know, it's a strip mall. Like, that's the town. Yeah, yeah. It's very specifically city oriented. You have to be in a city. Miami or whatever. Or Tampa or Lauderdale.

Tampa. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. I got to check those out. Where'd you go when you're like? I've been to fucking Jupiter, West Palm Beach. I got arrested in Panama City. Oh, nice. Yeah, dude. Well, the beaches are beautiful. The beaches are beautiful. They're amazing. It's just beaches all right. They are gorgeous beaches now that I really.

Like, I have a particular animosity towards Florida because I got arrested there. We charge. I would just so many cities during COVID. This place fucking sucks. Philly's fucking so lame. It's like on lockdown and I'm like, oh, yeah. Although if you're doing comedy, I mean, as long as you're going for a short amount of time, any city is good.

If you're going for one or two nights. Because there's a couple cool things to do in every city. Or a couple cool people in each crowd to drink with for that night. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's my thing is like if you go to the beach or you live on a, like, by a lake in Florida, that's what's the shit. It's like just being, going boating all day.

Ocachobie. Yeah, something like that, yeah. Like Ocachobie. Yeah. But also like, yeah, I get what you're saying. They're 95% of Florida sucks. but in the city, not like,

if you're doing population-wise, like not 95% where people live, because most people do live in the cities. But we, I mean, I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying.

But, like there are cities there that I love. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, if you live in Tampa, Tampa,

Orlando, Miami, Jacksonville's okay. Daytona Beach, I love. It's a shithole but it's a blast. I've heard great things about Tampa.

I've also heard fucking Key West is like a riot. Oh my God. How did I forget? That's really my favorite place on Earth. That's a lot of, Although I heard the beaches at Key West suck Yeah, yeah, you gotta have a boat

Because the beach is there, they have like Gravel Yeah, it's like reef, yeah, it's like reef, yeah, it's like drunk in the middle of the, like It's beautiful water, yeah But, it's like an old town, kind of town, right? Yeah, dude, it's one of my favorite bar towns, you can literally just walk around

And it's just like, complete chaos Yeah Yeah, that's how a lot of people compare it to New Orleans Which I, New Orleans is like the closest place I've ever been I love New Orleans. I think it's if like gone to my head, well, maybe New York, but

Always New York for me. But like, if someone was like, I have three days in America, I'd be like, go to New Orleans. Yeah, it's fucking nuts. New Orleans, and again, I have still so much of this country to see, but New Orleans is the most non-American place I've been doing it. It doesn't feel American. I'm like, this feels like another country.

Yeah, but that's the cool part about it. It's like you go to other countries and everything feels like that country for them. You know what? It's not like you're going to go to some part of life. Oh, I fucking love. I love New Orleans. I think it's awesome. It looks European, and then you meet the people there, and you're like, I don't, not American, then you're not European. New Orleans has that. New Orleans has that, like, New York-esque thing where it's like, you don't need a group.

Like, you could go out alone in New Orleans and have a ball in time. Well, there's fucking some of the best music you'll ever hear just walking. By the end of the night, you're drinking with, like, a one-legged sailor or a hooker. Like, it's like, it's fucking, it's a crazy town. I live there for a year. Like, I went to Tulane, my freshman year college, and it's like, it is well. I mean, coming from New York. Have you, have you guys been to Key West?

No. I recommend it. Like, it's not as cool as New Orleans, but it is fucking, like. Yeah, similar. I would love to go to Kia. It looks beautiful. I've heard it so honky time? Yeah, like, is it Key West where you, like, do the boat parties?

They have, like, boats, they connect to each other. Maybe. Miami does that, too. Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of places you can do that, yeah. Yeah, but New Orleans is fucking awesome. Personally, coming from New York, like, I couldn't live there unless I was, like, an older man, like, settling down or something. But I also tell me, like, oh, I'm going to New Orleans.

I'm like, go for three days. Oh, after three days, you need to get the fuck out of that place. Yeah, like, it's a lot. or like trying to chill. We almost had to do that. In college, our fraternity bus broke down and it was almost going to take us like another day. So they were almost going to like,

but it's days after like drinking, doing drugs. And half the group was like, yeah, let's stand. And everybody else's like, no. No. You're like, I can't do this. Yeah, I can't. Oh, but it is so fucking cool, man. I'm like watching that HBO show Tremay right now.

And it's like... Is it New Orleans? It takes place to New Orleans. It's just fucking... It has such a... It has such a disquality. It has such a distinct culture. It's incredible.

But it's also got a sense of tackiness, too. So, in a good way. It's like, I'm from, I think the reason I like some trashy stuff is because I'm from Orlando. So I'm surrounded by, like, touristy bullshit. And, like, in a sense, New Orleans is that but culture. So you have neon signs and shit like that. It's very like. Yeah, your drinks are in a plastic tube.

Which I love, I love shit like that. Also, New York, or sorry, New Orleans is similar to New York and that it has one of the most, like, chaotic ratchet histories out of any city in America. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's quite, I mean, first. First the Spanish were there, then the French were there. Like, it's in the Creole culture. But it's brayed it into actual cult. You know what it's not just trash.

It's like between the trashiness is like culture. Oh, it's fucking awesome. I also love, like, in New Orleans, like, it'll be like a completely residential area and it'll just have like a neighborhood bar. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think arguably, even better than New York, I think some of the best bars in America are in New Orleans. I think none of the best bars in America are in New York because it's so hard to have a good bar here. It's so expensive.

All of them are small. You might find some cool small spots. Dude, I agree. That's my issue with New York bars. I kind of almost like going out here a little less than other places because, like, it's so cr- I like high ceilings. New York is good on the off nights. Like, in my opinion, going out in New York on a Friday or Saturday is not the move.

I agree. Like, I think Sundays through Thursdays is like a really good days to go out in New York. That's a great point. But, yeah, no, I agree. Also, the thing I love about New York is like, even if there's not one bar that's amazing, the ease to go to five different bars in one night. It's like you could spend 30 minutes at a bar and like, okay, let's go to the night.

Like, it's that easy. Yeah, New York bars to other bars because like that one Austin bar we went to was the size of an entire block of bars. Yeah. Oh my God. Every fucking bar in Austin is like five floor. 5,000 square feet. Yeah, it's insane.

Built in 1870. That one place, Speak Easy had a fucking bowling lane in it. Empty. And you don't have to pay for it. You know, you can just bowl. You can just bowl whenever you want.

That's pretty sick. Oh, it's sick. And I'm so like, I feel like that's the hard part about New York for me because I'm used to not that necessarily, but in Florida, it's like there are a lot of like three story bars. Yeah, yeah. But also in New York. Brooklyn, you get some of that. There's some. I got to check that out more, yeah.

Because Brooke, just like this is kind of stupid, but from like an actual real estate perspective, the commercial real estate in New York is so expensive to afford to afford to afford to afford to afford to afford. Oh shit. My girlfriend's coming on. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, all right. What are we going to talk about? Everybody pretend to be asleep. No, yeah, I agree with that. Hey, how's it going?

Hello, hi. Oh, yeah, we're recording the pod. No girls allowed. I've really only had two girls in this podcast, I think. Oh, really? Let me guess. Sby? Yeah.

Claire. I guess three, because Jess also. She was just 11. Oh, cool. Yeah. Eh. Oh, gosh. Yeah, no, but I was like the thing about New York is like it's not,

the party doesn't have to be confined to a bar. Like, it's like the party just be on the street, you know? It's like so tight. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I got an MIP the other day, or not I'm an adult. MAPE means minor position. I got a cop with dreads gave me a drinking ticket, but I was talking to him.

It was so funny, he didn't pour out my alcohol. I didn't know it's one of these things where he goes, he goes, no, why would I pour it out? He's like, here's your ticket, $25. And I was like, what are you talking about? It's no criminal charges. Same with pissing. Yeah, yeah. But I was like, this is weird.

He's like, yeah, you basically did you go online and pay this? But I was like, okay, how did you know I was drinking alcohol? He's like, because it was in a can. And I was like, well, okay, well, what if I was drinking out of the cup? He goes, that's what I'm saying?

I'm like, what do you mean? It's like... No, he had the bag and he caught the bag. Oh, you had the bag? Which is why out? I was like, that's fucked up. Damn, where was this? I mean, it was like,

hell's kitchen, so... Damn, that's fucking weird. Yeah, I never had to have it. I was like, I didn't even know this was illegal. Yeah, I've never had that out of neither. Also, I didn't know cops could have dreadlocks. It's pretty cool, I thought. I would have thought that that would be, like, a tactical error.

Like, somebody could grab the dreadlock or something. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, I thought it was weird that, like, I mean, that may have been one of those things where I could have fought it and been like, no, you don't know this is alcohol. You know what I mean? That's true. You could also, like, refute it and go to court or whatever. But, I mean, who the fuck wants to do that? Yeah.

That's right. I like, 25 by hand. I was like, whatever. I religiously, I don't pay for the subway. Like I hop the turn cell out every single time And people are like, dude, if you get caught It's 100 bucks Which is less than the monthly fee.

And I'm like, yeah, and I'm like, I've been caught three times I've been hopping turn cells for fucking five years So it's like thousands. Yeah, exactly. Literally thousands of dollars. Yeah. You do get that little heart pump though when you get caught by the cop doing it. You still like, uh-oh, yeah, it's terrifying.

Just being written. I've, I mean, knock on wood. I'm going to end up going to jail or something. That's glass. Whatever. You always to do this just in case. But I've been. like stopped,

and or caught by cops over double digit times and I've gotten one ticket in my whole life because all my friends just have the SB like SBA or PBA card Oh yeah Sergeant card or whatever Just they're all fucking Irish people from Riverdale

And But now, you know That's never gonna happen Because we go I mean I'm too old to be getting Tickets now Yeah yeah Yeah yeah

But like I'm not with them as much Yeah yeah But anytime I got stopped We uh How's I like drinking publicly It feels you know I mean it's like I love it.

Especially one of my... From New Orleans, you're like, this is the... One of my favorite... I don't when you forget, laws are weird. Like, I know somebody

got in trouble with mushrooms, but somebody like found mushrooms and somebody else in Florida. Somebody found their kids in mushrooms. And they were like, my kid could go to jail. I was like, no, it's decriminalized.

They're like, it's not. I just thought mushrooms were like decriminalized for some reason. I had a bachelor party at Montau. We stayed in this Airbnb. Some kid lost...

First of all, it's like a family's Airbnb. There's like little kids' rooms. I don't know if they still live there, but there's like twin bed size bedrooms. And one of the kids staying in one of the kids' rooms lost like a ton of drugs. I was like, these kids are going to be trippins. Dude,

during like an after prom, a kid I was with lost like four grams of blow. And it's like just to lose it in a house. Like someone's going to find four Gs of blow his house. The weird thing about blow, though, is I found blow in the bathroom a couple weeks ago. And the weird thing about that was you're like,

I mean, I don't like cook anymore. But I was like, yeah, I'll give this to a friend. I'm like, wait. We have no idea what's in... You know what I mean? Even though I have a drug testing kit,

it's still like, it's still sketchy as shit. It's also gross. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It would be a great, uh,

movie idea. Maybe we write this script, but like an Airbnb host, you know, like a couple hosting like an innocently, it stumbles upon like, you know, four pounds of drugs.

Oh shit. That's a great movie block. Oh my God. All right. That's like genius. I love that. All right. Let's end out.

No. But yeah, I was going to finish up the last couple minutes. Do you guys want to promote anything? Uh, yeah, Instagram at Pat Barry standup with an A, B-A-R-R-R-Y. I'm at Jake underscore Velazquez, V-E-E-Z, V-E-E-Z.

All right, sweet. Peace. Later.