Morning Good - It's Not Even Bad - Episode 194

Episode Date: November 5, 2023

Jake Timothy and Abe Shapiro join the show for today's episode. They talk about water boarding, battle karaoke, and walking into the wrong apartment while being blacked out.Thanks to Abe for coming on the show for the first time and to Jake for joining us again. Catch Jake on a bunch of previous episodes and click their links down below for more from both of them.Abe is on Instagram @abeshaps, and Jake is on Instagram as well @jake_timothy. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, by way, shout out to Tim's Bray. Welcome to Morning. All right. All right, let's go. We're here with Abe Shapiro. Hi. And I needed to just jump in with more energy. Sometimes I'm just like, I, yeah, I was at, we were trying to,

figure out what Chattanooga was. So now that you know what it is. I know that it was a city in Tennessee I'm going to have some killer riffs. Just Jake talk for a second and then I'll get back to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it was, uh, I introduced you guys, Abe Shapiro, Jake Timothy. They're here. I was, uh, Austin, like, I had a terrible

trip, but had nothing to do with the Austin comedy scene. And it was so funny because it just, when you have a bad time, it changed your perspective on the whole city. Because like, I had tonsillitis and I was going through a breakup and I'm like, dude, Austin like sucks. But everybody else who visits normally has a good time. I think the people that love Austin are like,

they're like comedy dipsets who like have no life outside of comedy. Yeah, yeah, well, because I wanted to go out and some of the people where there was like, I'm not here to go out and be, I'm like, I don't know, it's a cool city. Like, I want to hit the bars and stuff. The best part is like the food. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the best part of the city. And then you go to the comedy clubs and you're like, all right, it's like an open mic. Well, no, at least when I was there, there was some good comics there. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I mean, there's a good guy on Tiltoni.

Is he the, Hans. Yeah, Hans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not little. He's a big guy. Oh, he's, he's a big dude. He's muscular, dude. Really? He lived here for a long time. Remember how he was in here? I met him once, and then I just thought he was like, oh, for Micer. And I, like, snubbed him. And now I'm not welcome. Now you're fucked forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's some things like that where you, that's why I'm just nice to everybody.

Not for noble reasons, but in case somebody does well, you should always be friendly to everybody. But it was like, yeah, I got fucking tonsillitis. I was going through a breakup. And like, when that's happening to you, you just go downtown Austin. Like the littlest things will just piss you off. Just like, like somebody being like,

hey, you want to come outside? We have a mechanical bull. I'm like, I fucking hate this place. And normally, like, I'm a mechanical bull kind of guy. I'm like, that's fun. I'm like, I like really corny shit like that. Are you good at mechanical bull riding? I was one.

Yeah, I did my brother's like, my brother had a fraternity party in college. And I did a bunch of cocaine and I'm riding mechanical bowl. And I'm like, dude, this is going to show chicks that I know how to fuck. So I'm going to get a ton of pussy. And then I'm on the mechanical bowl. Like nobody's looking at it. Everybody's like, it's kind of gay.

That he's riding that first off. It just nobody cares. I'm like, I broke the new record. They're like, we don't fucking care. You can move your hips around just how a lady likes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I was like, I'll show him how strong I am and how good.

but I am riding things. I've never written one, but every video I see one of those things, I'm like, I can fucking, I can stay on that thing for like the rest of my life. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, because it's also like the guy, there's always a guy controlling it.

It was like the mechanical bull controller. And he just basically, whoever's the cockiest, he's going to be the biggest asshole, dude. Smiling really weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I control the bowl.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will throw the off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, it's like a guy who, like, whenever he's like a cocky guy, he'll throw him off. And then a hot girl, he'll be like, We're going to slow things down a little bit.

Just beating off under the control panel. While he's trying to throw you off, he's like talking to your girlfriend. He's just like, yeah, fucking, you think your boyfriend are going to hang on? Yeah. Your boyfriend hang on. I'm on the controls right now. He's like, actually, that was the weakest setting it was. It wasn't even strong.

That was, uh, but, uh, boyfriend's kind of a bitch, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I was talking to say before about the, the amount of times I've looked like a bitch in front of my ex-girlfriend. Like, it's just now that I'm broken up, I'm just thinking about it all the time. Like, I've had two people spin on me and, like, literally spit on me in front of her. because one time I was a homeless guy, I'm like, what am I just going to fight this homeless and get my ass kicked? Because he probably knows how to fight better than me because he's fucking homeless.

Or, right? Or he stabs me. Or I win. And then it's like, or there's so many in-betweens. People were like, oh, yeah. Like, Igor Martinez is like, dude, you should have fucking fucked him up, man. Who cares? I'm like, dude, that's so insane.

Yeah, that's not. I think most girlfriends would like that less if you beat the shit out of a homeless guy. But they also don't want you to just, they want you to give them a stern talking to or something like that and then buy him a meal and like like like like change him and have him be like like oh and then I mean how what happened did he spit on you and you were like yeah I was like I was like what the fuck I was like I acted what I did is I acted like it I didn't notice it at first I'm like wait did that guy did that guy just spit on me because if he if he did spit on me I knew I'd fight him but I guess you know I just found out about it like well that's your mouth he's all the way down

there he's like right behind it's like now that he's following you yeah yeah that's why you really looked like a bitch if you're like pretending. Oh, I totally pretended. Watching you like. I think maybe he just spat on me. Wait, so the second time was a normal guy? The second time was some kids in a movie theater. How old?

They were like 12 probably. Yeah, you gotta fuck those kids up. Well, there was a part of me that like fell. I was like, God damn. And then I just yelled at them and I'm like, I can't even really curse at them. Because in my mind, I'm like, what's the, I don't know, I felt weird being like, I'm gonna, you guys get your fucking ass kicked. I was like, that just seems weird to say.

So it was just like, you shouldn't do that to people. You understand? I'm an adult and... Yeah. You look like a way older man unless you'd

like beat the shit of him. Yeah. And you can't physically beat the shit of a sudden kid you don't know. No,

no, yeah. Not you. Actually, I think they were probably like 15 probably. Yeah. But I've had like a group

of teenagers. I just walk past him and I'm like with a girl. It's just like, tiny penis having ass bitch. You got a tiny ass penis and I'm just like, gentlemen?

Like I just like, like, it's all the vase. That's the making them do that. Yeah. I'm saying old man stuff. Yeah. They kind of got you pegged though.

You gotta have a little bitch. I vouched for my boy to get on the biggest podcast in New York right now. Bro, I'm choking. I don't know what to do with myself. Really the garf-on. There's three guys here.

I'm the garf uncle. This trio. We were, I like the joke we do it. I was doing like a, like a hood black guy, but he's, he's talking about sex really descriptively.

He's like, bro, I be fucking bitch like, like, do for real like honestly I'd be behind like oh yeah

I don't know he's white there but yeah it's like who who who ooh

right up between those butt cheeks or this is a person you know or this is a this is a character I made up

oh interesting yeah did you do the noise first and then you said my friend RIP um

he used to go around your house and he'd fuck different things he'd just pick like he'd take your teddy bear and he'd put it

on he looking straight in the face and go and he pull that, go and go the other most serious look at his face why he's just like Now he's dead? Yeah, not because of that. He didn't get like some weird couch syphilis?

No, yeah. Yeah, I don't know why I always do. I always redress the people that are dead but I'm like, yeah, yeah. I had a, when Vine was a thing, I had a Vine account called Can I Fuck It? Yeah. And I would just go around and find it

object and just like touch it a bit and then turn the camera and be like I can fuck that yeah that was the whole thing dude I remember I used to think pretty big pretty big account yeah yeah yeah I thought I would be my one of my friends told me he's like bro we're gonna be so much better at sex because we watch porn of the other guys our age don't like in middle school I was like yeah bro we're gonna be fucking pros oh yeah you ever try to do like a porn thing when you're having sex um yeah yeah yeah like the fish hook where you finger a girl and then you put your fingers in her mouth. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, kind of a wild move. I don't know, but it's like, when the girl's like, I want to be dominated. I'm not like just out of the blue being. Like, what about this? All right. Oh, no. I thought, for some reason, I was thinking you were like fingering her ass.

No. But you're just figuring. Oh, okay. That's like pretty run of the mill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was like, I saw that into porn. I was like, I don't know. And then, but then, but they're like,

don't do that. And then like, a month later, she's like, actually, I like, can you do that thing? I like it. So one time I saw a porn video where it was a guy and he was fucking this older lady and he took off the pillow case from the pillow and he put it over her and then he started pouring bottles of water on the pillow case. What? Waterboarding an old lady. And then he had to like cut it open because she looked like she was suffocating.

So I tried that. Yeah. Yeah. That's what waterboarding is. Yeah. It's literally you're like drowning something. Yeah. But then it's like if you do it right. We used to do it at sleepover just to, like, prove we were tough.

We would waterboard each other and just be like, it feels crazy. It really feels like you're drowning. Yeah, it's fucking horrible. Yeah, yeah. I used to have a bit that was like, oh, if I wonder if anybody at Guantanamo Bay figured out they love torture. Like, you were waterboarding some guy and it just pops a rod. Yeah.

They're responding. Yeah, too well. He's like, I may be bad, but I'm perfectly like you. Just like a fucking guy. He just remember just smiling. I remember there was an ad on YouTube. You know Stephen Crowder. Of course, yeah.

It was an ad for like his new show. And the ad was him getting waterboarded on his show. And then taking the rag off his face and being like, it's not even bad. It's not even bad. And I don't know what the point he's made. If it's not even bad, then why are we even doing it? It's either torture or it's not. and I don't, like, what's the point?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's also crazy, too, because it's like, yeah, it is wild. Because it's like, do these people are like, I wonder how much people crack under torture. I'm very curious because it's like, if you think, like, in the case of, like, Islamic extremism, like, you think you're going to go to heaven if you don't. Like, it's like, I assume the mental strength of those guys is, like, very strong. So it's like, because of Allah? Yeah, yeah, they're like, dude, they're just like thinking about the virgins or whatever they're, like, imagining.

So it's like, like, I don't know, maybe it works. I'm very curious. I'd like to see a chart on how much torture works. Because either way, it is morally wrong and I don't believe in it. But I am curious. I'm like, but I'm also, I don't, I'm a fucking dumbass. Like, the ideas I would pitch up, like, how about we just like, try to, like, get them to like it? Like, I'm such a non-confrontational person and I'm such a fucking retard when it comes stuff.

And I'm like, have we tried being nice to, like, I don't. I'm always like, all war is bad. I'm like, weirdly a fucking very hippie person. So, like, for me to be like, they're like, yeah, it's morally wrong. And then like, I remember I had this, this weightlifting guy in high school, like a trainer I would go to. And he gave me terrible advice. He's like never back down from a fight. Even if the guy has a knife, you just never back down from a fight.

And then we're talking about torture. And he's like, yeah, no, I mean, if it saves American lives, you know, you got to torture people. And I was just like, I didn't, I just disagree with that. It's against the Geneva Convention. It's weird that you're torturing people for information that you can't verify. So even if they say something that's true, you're like, I don't like that. go back in the fucking battery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, exactly, yeah.

Well, and it's also like, like, for me, it was less that, I mean, torture's bad, but also, like, U.S. citizens could just go to Guantama Bay without being tried, which is just, like, fucking insane. It's like, uh, there was people, they used to be able to do this thing where they, if they, you're a suspected terrorist, they can still do it. They could just fuck up your house, make it look like a robbery and, like, never tell you what happened.

Like, they can never be like, yeah, they're like, I don't know, we thought he had something on ISIS. Yeah, I mean, don't they have multiple things like one time obey? Aren't they called like CAA Black Sites or something like that? Probably, yeah, yeah. It's like more than one place where they can just detain you with no like, Guantanamo Bay is like the one we know about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I think they got a bunch of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking wild. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's also funny too when like, yeah, you're like, what we know about is probably such surface level. But it is interesting when things you know about like, like, like it is funny that Area 51 like was totally, they're like,

that doesn't fucking exist. They're like, that's so fucking stupid. And now they're like, yeah, don't storm it because it's like, we're doing stuff here. It was so funny when they like, when Obama like acknowledged the existence of it, it was like big news. It's like, we knew it was there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can see it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like invisible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also funny with like the presidents would just like lie so much. They're like, UFOs are not real. And they'll be like, well, I mean, they are. And it's like just a little credibility. I mean, you're never going to admit you lot.

You know what I mean? It's like, yeah. Yeah, I think they like using the word UFO. Like the government likes saying that because it's really vague. Yeah, yeah. It just means there's, we saw something when we don't know what it is. Yeah. In the air, flying.

Yeah. But people are like, oh, that means there's like an alien government. Yeah, not necessarily. It just means there's just some shit in the air. Totally. But when it's the Navy, though, it's like your job is to identify a flying object and you can't do it. It's like, your job is to do this and you can't do it. So you're like, ah, you know more than me.

But then Jason David will send me fucking videos people debunking you. Are shitting on Jason David? We just say that he has a terrible imagination. That's my way of, uh, shitting on him. because he would send me all these UFO debunking videos. It's just a guy on YouTube being like, look, this is why this isn't technically correct. I'm like, first of all, this is a Navy video. So, like, this was verified by the Pentagon.

So there's no way this guy on the internet knows more than the Pentagon knows. And the Pentagon's like, we don't know what it is. That'd be crazy to be, you're in the Navy and you're like, you're like, you have aliens on your boats or whatever. Yeah. You like keep finding these UFOs with like dead aliens in them. And that's your job. You're like in that division. And then you come to New York out of Fleet Week and everyone just calls you.

gay for your uniform. You're like, you have no idea, dude. It's literally Independence Day out there. You're like, yeah, I bet it is. Yeah, that's wild to think about. I, yeah, totally unrelated, but I had a very funny interaction on Tinder. So this years ago, my freshman year at college, I blacked out. It was like bid week in my fraternity, so they're like, all right, you got into the fraternity, you got in your fraternity, you black out with everybody in the fraternity.

I got, there's a message on the Facebook page of Devaney Hall where I lived and said, to the guy who drunkenly barged into my room last night, your shoes are outside the door. And I was like, oh, fuck. And I went to the room and it was exactly above mine. So I got blackout drunk, went to the wrong room. I'm asked with her on Tinder later, and she's like, oh, my God, you were super nice. You were just talking about, like, you probably don't remember me. She's like, you're just talking about, you know, your relationship. She's like, you walked in, thought it was your room and, like, sat down in like a chair.

And I explained it to you. And I was like, oh, it's so embarrassing. But, you know, very nice to meet you, whatever. Got a girlfriend, you know, seven years went by. I get a message on Tinder today. She goes, I don't know if you remember this, but you drunkenly bars into my room in college. And I was like, oh, that's so crazy, you know, so sorry about that. And then I was like, yeah.

And then you posted the Divini Facebook call page. She goes, no, this was it, uh, Jenny Murphy Hall. I was like, she goes, I was like, what? She goes, this might surprise you. She's like, I didn't post on Facebook or anything. She's like, I think you may have done this more than once. Which, like, at that point, it looks like I'm trying to break into women's rooms and be like, oops, didn't know this was. That's a good icebreaker.

I used to... I wasn't intentional. I don't remember either of these. And apparently, it's happened twice. My freshman year, I would, I would, like, email... I did it like three times. I emailed girls that they lost their ID. And I'd be like, oh, I'm sorry, but you can follow my Instagram at Abe Shaps.

because that's what you do on campus if somebody loses shit because you can find out of style. I did get a lady from it though. Oh, nice. Well, she's kind of fat. Yeah, that's still a lady. Yeah, true.

Yeah, yeah. She's so bad. She's a man now. Well, it worked worse. Yeah. I would have hoped. You know, like, a lady with a little bubbyty? Bro, don't talk about women like that.

Can't handle it, dude. I can't. The guy who fucks fat. She's like, yeah, you just don't even know how to... You want to know what to do with all that booty. Sorry, brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys can't handle it.

I like Chad Hanks thing. He's like, bro, if the tits are bigger than the stomach, then she ain't fat. Like, hell yeah, Chet Hanks. There's a video John Cena coming out. We were you saying? Yeah, I like Chet Hanks more than Tom Hanks, I think. Yeah, Tom Hanks is a fucking pussy. I really don't like Tom Hanks.

I don't know. It's like every movie he just plays a less retarded Forrest Gump, or he plays... plays some wild. I did like him in Elfis. I was the only one that was like, ah, Mr. Presley. I was like, this guy is awesome.

Yeah, I mean, I think Tom Hanks never anticipated living in a world where he had to be like anyone outside of being like Forrest Gump. Yeah, yeah. Like he thought he was just going to be an actor. Yeah, yeah. And now he's like a public guy. And every time he's not in character, people are like, I don't fucking like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's just kind of like a dweeat. Like, I get that he has like a sort of sweet whims. physical look to him, but he pisses me on. And he reminds me of, like, somebody that, like, I don't know, like, is at your church and gives you, like, terrible advice. He seems, it just seems like, I don't know, it seems like a guy that would be at my church and would, like, I don't know, just be somewhat condescending and be like, you really need to meet girls here.

And then I'm just like, fuck you, man, I don't know. He's playing it so close to the chess with the Hollywood game, I feel like, and then it's so funny that he got chet as a son. Oh, yeah, yeah. Or he's just fucking throwing grenades into the reputation. He's great. They're like, yeah, so your son's, like, rap and saying the N-word, and they're like, you know, he's doing a different thing.

I don't know. I support what he does. Did you see the thing on that interview where they sent him to like a, like a, you know, pendants camp or like a camp for bad kids? Oh, that sounds awesome. He like kidnapped him in the middle of the night and brought him there because he's Tom Hanks kid. And then he came out speaking like Rastafarian or whatever. What is he?

It's called Patois. Patois. Yeah, it's like Jamaican slang, I think. Can you speak Patois? Abe Shapiro on the podcast. it's not just an accent. There's like words and stuff. I am the cinnamon of the apple cinnamon.

Apple Jack's cinnamon guy. I had a Jamaican babysitter when I was a kid. And why is that guy? Why is the cinnamon guy? Jamaican? Because it's brown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, we're not going to make a, whoa.

There was weeks where he's like, gentlemen toast, crunch. Like, now this doesn't quite feel the line. Yeah. They tried all. the different brown people. But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was thinking about it because I was like, okay, that was my relationship with my babysitter. And I was watching Batman. I was like, it's weird that like,

British but British butler's not a thing. Like in America, maybe it's a thing in Britain, but it's so weird that like that would be a thing. In Britain, definitely, it's going to be a thing. But I guess here it is mostly minorities. But I was like, if I was Batman, it would be that woman from the islands. And I love that idea for being like, cut it out, Batman. Get back here and clean your shit, that messed away. The master wayne part would get weird. Immediately, I'm like, ah, that makes the racist. This real is about the nonsense.

I only know how to do cartoonish to make an accent. I don't know. Yeah, she's bossing around that. Yeah, no, exactly. She's like, yeah, you clog the toilet. What the fuck you're doing out there? Quit the jerking off in a bat cave. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's so much, yeah, I heard just like, like, roasting about stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be cool. Yeah. but yeah no I yeah you can't have a blackout it's just weird yeah it doesn't really I've never been that kind of drunk even the drunker I get the more I just try to hold it together yeah you're just like yeah yeah dude well I uh what was it I I haven't drank like that in years I was like really I haven't been embarrassed like that in a while and I was like dude this is

because the fact she found out like I wouldn't have told her I've done to somebody else if it wasn't clear that I was like not talking about the same incident of drunkenly barging into someone's room but I was like this is fucking crazy and I was like because in my mind I'm like what are the chances that the same woman whose room I drunkenly barge into

years later is in New York City and we match on Tinder and now I'm like well I guess the chances are that I would get blackout drunk and act like a fucking idiot and the chance of that happening is like I guess common one of my brother's friends that happened to too he went to the wrong house completely and he was like apparently he was like do why is the key just like not working

and then he ran and a cop like went after him and like he's riding his bike and the cop like out of the cop window like put his arm and threw him on the ground and he was in like a drunk cell for like the whole night

and he said he would just hear the cop tell the same story to a different cop that came in he's like bro this fucking kid I fucking threw him off his goddamn bicycle I was like an idiot but he said it was just a worst torture

just hearing somebody shit talk you yeah like really like love that he did that oh yeah yeah fucking beat the shit I was kidding I would

I've never I've never been arrested. Have you guys been arrested? By park rangers. They still... They could do that? Yeah, well, they put us in like the park holding area. Okay. Because we stole a lifeguard boat and we took it out on like Michigan. That's fucking badass, dude.

It was awesome. That's like an adventure. You guys like the goonies. Well, then I told everybody that they like handcuffed us and put us in a cell. Yeah. We were just like, all right, call your parents. Before, like we were rowing it in because we used. They were like, they were like flashing lights to tell us to come in. So before, as we were going, we're like, hey, if anyone asked, we got arrested and they put us in a cell and it was a huge deal.

Yeah. And then we agreed on the story and now everybody at Grand Blank High School thinks that I did that. Yeah. Everyone that goes there now is, you just go back there and like stand in the parking lot and you're like, you want to hear a crazy story. Yeah. These are the kind of legends that went to this school. Yeah. You kids don't even know.

You guys are so lame with your friends. vaping in your phones. I didn't get like handcuffed and whatever, but I got, I got like a public urination thing and I had to do community service and pay a huge fine. Oh, that sucks. I had to do like 40 hours. And then I had to do an extra 40 hours because I offended the woman who had to sign off on my hours.

Yeah. And, uh, what did you do to the woman? I like thought she was like trying, like a guy that I worked with told me that she has sex with the college kids that get charged with this and she'll like sign off on your hours and she invited me to dinner at her house and I like said something about I was like you know I'm actually not like comfortable with that arrangement and she was like what do you mean and I was like uh like Derek told me like then she was like oh no you said Derek told me he Derek the guy I worked with was like

40. And he just was like a guy who lived in this town who would just constantly get like a drunk and disorderly thing and have to work at the Salvation Army for 80 hours. He was like, I know all the fucking ins and outs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and that woman likes it in and out. Yeah, and she was a lesbian.

She had like a wife. Oh, really? Yeah. You just like made a good impression on her? She just wanted to hang out? She does, she would like, I was like a, like 19 or 18 or something. And she was like, you'd come have dinner. in my house and to like talk about

try to like make sure you don't do something like this again. And I was told he was like she's gonna just ask you to eat her pussy and I was like I don't feel totally comfortable. Honestly, you know, you're pretty a little older. That'd be so funny. You're just going over the top. You're like it would gross me out. I don't want to, I could tough it out, but I probably throw open my own mouth and I just don't want to do that here.

And while she's just like not here, I was like so I hated where I was. I hated me in college. I hated, I was just drinking all the time and I was just miserable. Didn't go to class ever. And I was like, I think I would just kill myself if I did that. To get to get out of like

the last 20 hours in my community service. It's kind of a good way to do community service. Like if you're a handsome guy. Yeah, yeah. Just go to a nursing home and after like pleasure of the ladies. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't, if I was just like finger hair or something, I would have done that.

I have no problem with that. just my hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, it's a more of an investment to really get in there. Dude, yeah. I was talking to her and then she, like, didn't sign off on the last half of my thing.

She's like, you have to just keep coming back. Yeah, yeah. Do an extra, like, 40 hours. Oh. And so I did all that. Would you specifically say to her that implied, like, did you really imply that you don't have sex with her? I told her what Derek said.

Oh, yeah. I was like, I'm not comfortable, honestly, doing that. Like, if that's what that is, I don't want to go. And she's like, it's not at all what that is. I was like, oh, shit. It was also funny because when you're a kid, you're watching so much porn, then your mind you're like every scenario when the teacher's asked you stay after class, you're like, I guess I'll fuck this chick.

Like, you think everything's a porn or like. Oh, yeah, and I was like, 18 or something. And I was just like, clearly this is what happens. I'm a young man in the world now. Yeah, yeah. I don't live with my mom. Yeah. Everything is going to be sex all the time.

I started watching porn in sixth grade. I had like a really hot teacher. And I would stay after class. And in my mind, I'd be like, yeah, she's trying to fuck me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Braces, 12-year-old with a list, but she's trying to get some of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a super hot teacher, and she was like 23.

Damn, what's her out? It was like 16. I was like, you're like fucking my age. This is bananas. And she would, like, talk to me a little extra. Yeah. And I never took it as like, she wants to fuck me. But I was always like, I was like, she clearly is taking some kind of an interest to me.

Yeah. And it was just, she. thought I was like a trouble. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She just sincerely like what's wrong? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, pretty hard. Yeah. Yeah. Well, dude, it is weird though because it's like you hear all the stories. And then like I was

talking to some like hot chick one time. And she's like, yeah, I'm a teacher. She's like, I don't want to teach high school though because it's like it's really tempting to like try to fuck those like 18 year old kids. I'm like, really? Yeah. That's what she said. Yeah. I would think it'd be the opposite. She'd be like, I don't want to like be around these horny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think it's a weird thing. I think it's so mixed,

because there's such, obviously, like, women typically like older guys. But I think there's, like, there's, everything goes everywhere. You know what I mean? It's like there's, I think there's, like, so many women that want to fuck younger guys.

There's, there's something for, just someone for everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think the people who are attracted to teaching have, like, a predetermination don't want to fuck, like, 12,

well, like, 16-year-old, not 12. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you have, like, teachers who were? Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you have one that did you have the guy or the girl? Like were you in their class? Oh, no.

Well, there was one in middle school. He was a, what's called? He's like a Latin teacher and he like totally got to catch a predator. He like, text the girl like, translate this out of Latin. It was like, I want to see you naked or something like that. And then he showed up to it. He's like, tell your parents you're sneaking out. And he shows up to a parking lot.

He said it in Latin? He was a Latin teacher. So he goes, yeah, yeah, can you translate this out of life? I mean, kind of game a little bit. To be honest, I'm like, that's kind of smooth. Yeah, but for her fucking, but yeah, he fucking, like,

he went to go meet the girl in a parking lot, and the cops obviously come and, like, arrest him. And his mugshot, he had his goggle tan on because he was also like a swim coach. It's just, it looks like a fucking idiot. There was, like, a, I think she was, like, the year before I was in high school. Yeah, yeah.

There was, like, an Italian teacher who would, she would, like, send nudes to seniors a lot. I don't know if any of them were, like, under 18. See, there's the things I would like pray to God too. Like I literally beg God, please can I fuck my teacher? Like, I'd be like, please. I used to, I had weirdosy, I thought that I'm masturbating God to give me bad luck. But I thought that God was like cool with me banging chicks.

I thought it was a weird thing where he like, he's like, I don't want to support loserness. He's like, I want you to be out there, Michael. I used to try to make myself have lucid dreams of the teachers I wanted the fuck. So I would keep dream journals and like, I would look at a picture of them as I was falling to sleep. I was like, you know, I'm just like, you know, before bed. don't come in your dad, just like, eyes as open as possible. I think when I had like a fantasy about like,

oh man, some of these, my teachers are like really hot. But I was always like, I was such an anxious kid that I was like, if that ever came to pass, I would just not be able to do it. I was prepared.

I would just freak the fuck out. I asked out of one of the work the front. Oh, no. I was like, I would like, there was a kid below me who one of the teachers she was hot and she was trying to fuck one of the students. She got fired for it.

but he like told all his friends. I was so mad at the guy. Like I hated, he was like my mortal enemy. I'm like, you had the most beautiful opportunity given you. And you fucked it up. I was like,

you just pissed on every teenage boy's dream and you should go to hell. I hated the guy because of it. How old was it? I think the best case scenario. He was like 16 or 17. She was like hot and she was like trying to fuck him. And then he told everybody about it and got her in trouble. I think the best case scenario,

I mean, don't tell everyone about it and get her in trouble. But like your teacher tries to fuck you and then like they could get gets caught. Yeah. So it doesn't happen. And so you just know your whole life, you're like, fuck, I could have fucked the teacher. Because it is disgusting.

Obviously, now that I'm an adult, I'm like, oh, yeah, that teacher should have obviously been fired. That's a terrible thing to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when I was a kid, I was just like, come on, why don't these adults molest me? They're hot chicks. Like, I wanted that. I was like, yeah.

But they probably would have fucked my life up if that would happen. I probably would not been. Oh, one time, I was a, I like, was kind of a DJ and, like, high school. I, like, DJed, like, the football games and stuff. And then one time I DJed... Was that cool at your school? No. Yeah, because my school...

It was super duper. People would be like, that guy sucks. I just played Mr. Brightside, like, four times a game. People loved it. But I was at... I DJed this, like, 30-year high school reunion for my high school. Yeah. And this woman who would, like, covered in tattoo...

She was like a gross, but, like, in-shaped cougar. Yeah, yeah. Like, you could tell a lot of miles on that guy. Yeah. But, uh, so she kept walking by... a fan that was by the boot and the fan would blow up her thing and she was just no underwear

and she'd winked her pussy? Yeah and I saw her ass and she would just wink at me and then she came up to me and like did like a bend down and it was I was I was 15. Yeah yeah. And like looked 15 and then she was like how old are you? I was like 15 she was like too young

and she went like this this is a real story? Yeah. Damn. It was probably the best. It's so funny too because my mind You know, a second ago, I was saying, like, those women are disgusted. They should be thrown in jail. Immediately, I was like, what a cool chill. Like, I changed by my head.

Now that you play out a fun scenario, I'm like, I wish that was 15 and there's a 40-year-old woman. I mean, like, even... I have kind of reversed pedophile like that. Like, I really do like the idea of me dressing up like a little boy, like, what's going on? She's like, you're getting this pussy. Oh, you're a mommy guy? Have you ever called a little girl Mommy?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I've done it. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucked up. It is fucked up. It's fucking gross. I've given it.

I've like given that a shot and the second it came out of my mouth. I'm out of the situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm both. Like, I'll do whatever rope. Like, I don't really care. I'll dominate women. I'll get down it.

But it is funny that I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a weird thing. That's what I take from porn. I don't try the moves usually. I try to say the stuff. And I, I really can't. Like, I just cringed you hard. Like, one time, I don't, one time I said, come for daddy. And then I'd like, oh, do you just made me want to throw up.

I know, I lost. That disgusted me. I lost my, I was like 16. I lost my erection and I just couldn't perform after that. It was terrible. You don't even have like the voice. No, I have Greg from Succession voice. Yeah, yeah.

Your voice is too gentle. Oh, God, fatty. It's like Morty saying it for Rick and Morty. Yeah, a lot of times when a girl likes me, it's because I'm quiet. They like, think that's like mysterious. And then if we're having sex and she wants me to like say stuff, I'm just like, you're fucking, you're not going to like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't like it. Yeah, yeah. You're so pretty. You ever thought that one? Is it? So it's good. Sure, have a good time. It's impossible to not ask a girl if she came.

I don't know. You're not supposed to be like, hey, did you come? But it's impossible for me not to be like, no, was that? Okay, that wasn't it? Okay. Because it's like, I want to do. Oh, yeah. I mean, I don't, because they don't like it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't, when you ask that because they're like, I mean, probably not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, speak for yourself. Every girl every phone came. Sure. Did you, real quick, when you were DJ?

I try, I try pretty hard. Yeah. But, you know, I'm not going to be like, didn't it happen to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking hate it. I don't like that. You just hint to it.

You're like, so we both had an equally good time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you were, did you comfort daddy? So, uh, comfort daddy. Well, we were talking about the role play I love we were doing it the other day.

He asked me, he's like, if you were hooked up the girl on our lunch break, and we were talking about like a girl who works from home and you come in and you're like, doing like a, like a Southern, old chef. You're like, oh, it's time for eating and open your mouth.

Just dressed like a full, like dressed like a prison chef. Just like doing like, how about you open it? We got some leftovers today. I heard you was hungry. Door, door isn't even open yet.

Just like you hear her walking doors a door. Yeah. Put your dick in a hot, I can pour and ketchup bottle to be like, take me out to the ball. yeah, actually got to get back to the grind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can come back another time.

We got a steak and eggs. I'll come back for the dinner special. No, just don't come back. She's like not saying it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, don't come back until you've, like, had somebody to eat. Get this out of your system. Don't give you some pomage, y'all.

Tell me when. Tell me when. Say when. Say when. Because we started talking about, like, I had this, we went to this, place where the chef, it was a stir fry place and the chef was this fat Asian guy

with like a thick creole accent. And he used to make all these sexual innuendos my girlfriend. He's like, open your mouth, gonna throw an egg in there. He's like, he's like, he's like, but when I originally told a story of somebody, I forgot to tell them that he was a stir fry chef. So I was like, yeah, the chef comes out of the restaurant.

It's just like making, people made it sound like the way I sat and told, I think, were you there was talking to Eli about it? I was like, it sounded like originally a nice restaurant and this fat Asian Creole guy. It's just like, oh, put your mouth, sweet. I got something special for you. I mean, the fact that it's a stir fry restaurant doesn't change much for me.

For me, I'm like, it's fun. Like, he's actually harassing my girlfriend. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, Abachi's bet. Yeah, stir fry. Could you be like, we're in line and he's doing this stuff? Yeah, he should be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was going to say, when you were DJ, did you, did you have a mic too? So you'd be like, let's get a fucking start. I was so scared. Every time I did, I was, I would like, I would like write jokes before about the rival team. I'm like, hey, Goodrich, how about you get your tractors? Because they were a farming community. And then I'd say, I would be so scared.

Your voice is cracking on these. Yeah, exactly. And I just, it would just be drowned out. And I would be so bad. It's more like a bad rich. Yeah, exactly. Who wants Mo Bamba? I hate DJ.

There was this, uh, we went to go and we're in awesome. We did this thing called cut throat karaoke. And so what it is is if you're bad, they, uh, they cut you. And they were just like, it's like white guy with like long earrings. He's kind of doing a black thing. He's like, yo, this ain't like typical karaoke.

And then there's this woman wearing like a hoodie. And she's like, yeah, but like honestly, like, just have good vibes. And he's like, yeah,

if you get cut, like, don't be personal about it. You know, it's all about your energy and stuff like that. And we're like, this is like the most annoying guy

I've ever met in my life. And we're just like, I was just picturing him at a party. Just like, yo, I don't got like a real issue with you, but like your energy is awful.

Just like the most annoying Austin guy. But some guy went up and did my favorite thing. And before the verse started, he started freestyling and got cut immediately. He was this white guy. And he's just like, oh, my fucking haters out there. You fucking hate me. And everybody's like, get off the fucking stage. And, like, the whole place was just going like this.

And he wouldn't get off the stage. And he's just like, yeah, it's my time to shine. Y'all just don't even know when you're in the presence of greatness. Do you ever have a battle rap face? You seem like that kind of guy. No. I'm waiting for the right moment. We had, and when I was in like fifth grade, we would write battle raps for each other.

And I was a writer, but I wasn't a performer. It's so fucking lame. It was lame for the beat up of war. I was like a Jewish writer for Tyson Davis back in the fifth grade. Nice. Like, bro, call his girl flat. Meanwhile, we're all 12 years old. Yeah.

My friend was telling me that when he was in high school, he was like, he was like, yeah, when you were in high school, did you and your boys ever do like gay bars? and I was like, did we like go to a gay, like, it was like, no. Yeah. I don't, we never did that. Yeah. He was like, why did they like let you in or something? He's like, no, it's like, it's like, uh, like a rap battle, but you're just talking about being gay.

That's all the rats. This isn't like what I do now. And I was like, oh, I mean, still, I didn't do that. And he was like, he's like, yeah, like, I had this one friend who was like nasty with gay bars. And then any other subject, he could not run. Like they'd like try to like be at a party and be like, you know, like you rap for everyone. Like this guy's so good.

And he'd be try. And he's like, dude, I can only do this about gay shit. Why is that? That doesn't make any sense. Do you just sit at home and write gay raps? Well, it's funny too because it's like in my mind when you said it like I got what you're saying because you were talking about rap. I was like, okay, so gay bars.

But I don't picture him rapping. I picture it still being in the conversation of rap, bad. which is funny to like nag him like I bet you couldn't even make a man come. Your asshole so loose it wouldn't even get me hot. Maybe that's what it was. I don't know. Yeah. I didn't really just like battle rapping but just nagging like the end of eight miles.

Yeah. You everybody who wants to fuck me. I wish I had a freestyle right away. You choked too. You choked so hard. Like when was the last time you watched eight mile? Recently. It's the best movie ever made.

I love it. I like it a lot. It really motivates me. I just attach everything to comedy. I'm like, this is so like me with my career. Nothing like it at all. This morning I jerked off in a hooded sweatshirt because it's too cold in this apartment.

That was the most eight-mile thing I've done, just wearing the hood. I was wondering where you've been jerking off since you went here. Right here, and I'm just cold. I look, you look no more like a sex criminal when you're jerking off in a hoodie. You're just like, oh, yeah.

And people can probably see you through those windows. Oh, fuck. Okay, well, no, you don't know what I look like. To be fair, it's a tie-died hoodie, so it's so, like, it's like bright orange. That's like a mile. Yeah, exactly. He wore the, I had a phase of wearing a beanie with a hooded thing over it.

Oh my God. That was pretty sweet. There's a dude in my high school. He was my friend and he fucking, he saw eight mile. Gay idiot. He's like, love eight mile. Killing it on the pod.

He saw it when he was like 15 and it was like, he loved it. And for the entire time I knew him, he would always, he called me cheddar bob. Yeah. He was that guy. And he'd always talk about it. He's like, we're just like a mile. We're not at all. None of us rap.

We're not a targeted friend. He made me that guy. It kind of look like Cheddar Bob a little bit. Not at all. Yeah. Cheddar Bob is the coolest name for anyone in that. Yeah. You want to be rabid?

Be rabid. What about Papa Doc? Yeah, Papa Doc's cool. Papa Doc chokes, though. After years of being number one. Cheddar Bob also shoots himself in the foot. It was in the dick, wasn't it? In the leg or something.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Split the difference somewhere on the leg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Honestly, since you've been in here, I've been, like, wondering. Where I'm drinking? Every day here in the room, like, Jake's probably writing bits and stuff like that.

He's like, where is he doing it? Because his showers aren't as long as they should be. Dude, I also, I had this saddest thing. When I was staying with my friend in Austin, I was rapping, like, I was infamous is my favorite rapper. He's just, like, super, he's his fat, black dude. Obviously, you know. Obviously, black.

Yeah, but he's like, he's always just shirtless guy, which I would say the only place I agree with black privilege is fat black dudes because they look so much cooler than fat white dude like it is not like a shirtless fat black dude

who's tatted up looks fucking badass especially if he's rapping but I'm just rapping in my room so much my roommates like the guy I'm staying with is like oh my roommates are never home

so just like you know don't worry about anything like they're always working and it was like a Tuesday so I'm rapping in the room and I just start bawling my eyes about my breakup so I'm like crying on the floor

I think I was listening to you know hard breaks at the time I just start crying. And then I hear the guy go out to do laundry and I'm like, fuck, dude.

He just heard me wrap for like an hour straight in the room and then just start crying to the script. Wrap yourself into tears. Yeah. But he was probably listening

like, you know, he's getting somewhere. He had a breakthrough. Rapping of tears to be funny. I'm in the top. Ain't no bitch

going to say no to me. It's my bitch. One of the funny things I remember it in high school one time, and I saw this like, this kind of like Mexican dude from the streets,

or maybe, probably Puerto Rican, I don't know, doesn't matter. But he's looking in the mirror and he's almost crying, singing young and wild and free by, I swear,

you got the guys, look at the mirror, it goes, roll one, smoke one, and we live like one who's supposed to party. It's just me. I don't know if he didn't see me,

but it's like the most clear memory in my head is sketchback. And we all just having fun. Just like staring eye to eye. with his reflection in the bathroom. But just like some 55 year old homeless guy on his third four logo. So what? We get drawn.

We're just kids. We're kids having fun. I remember guys getting really emotional to the Paul Walker song. Oh yeah. It's been a long day. Dude, those are so far. I

this is so unrelated, but my I do think people like ruined their lives to music. Sometimes they're like, bro, it's Kate Cuddy, we're just, we're having fun. And then, like, they developed like a pill of tiction. It's like that. Oh, that was big. With Juice World and my, my, my generation.

Yeah. But there's kids who would just, like, post pictures of, like, three Xanax and be like, I'm going to space today. And then two of them died and then one just got really fat. Zanx makes you fat. Well, it makes you lazy. So it makes you fat. And I've always said this, like, Xanax is great if you're crushing it in life.

Like, I'll think Xanax. I've been pretty good recently. Like I mean, I've been sleeping on an air mattress. Like there was like the first, this is my fifth week. The first three weeks I would like cycle. So I'd be like, okay, I'll drink for two nights. I'll smoke weed one night. And then one night I'll take like a little bit of Kalanipen or Xanax.

And then the next night I'll take like a little bit of over-the-counter sleep stuff. It was really like not a healthy thing. But last cold nights I've slept great. But what was the point of what I was saying? I was proud of myself for not being a drug. Yeah, are you doing it? No, no, now I'm doing. No, I thought you meant it was like the post-break up.

Yeah. Yeah, but they'll, oh. Such a low bar to be bratty or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sleeping on an air mattress in my friend's living room. Hey, I'm not addicted to Xanax. Yeah, yeah. Well, dude, I took that habit of my friend.

I'm killing it. I took Xanax and I was drinking beer on my buddy's floor and he took a pot brownie and started like freaking out. And I'm literally sleeping, not even on air matches on the floor. And I was like, dude, honestly, you got to just relax, man. And, you know, you kind of need to put things into perspective a little bit. And I realize I'm like, dude, I'm literally like drinking on Xanax giving this guy advice. I was like on the floor.

I'm sleeping on the fucking floor. I don't have a day job. I don't have a home. I don't have a girlfriend. I'm just high on Xanax and drinking a bud light. Man, you really just, you know, it's really about, you know, make a time for yourself to be proud of yourself. But it was really funny the way.

For people who were listening, Tony Wellens last week, this guy, he comes up, he picks me up, we're in Austin, and we're driving around in the car. He goes, I just got in from Denver, bro. The guy at the weed store, he, like, told me these edibles are great. They won't give me any of the anxiety and stuff like that. And he's like, it's really cool. you can just go into a store and get like exactly what you want because i don't like getting paranoid

but this stuff's really good you want i was like no thank you start driving down the road he goes he goes he goes i i can't i'm like you're just high dude he's like i can't i'm like you're just like you're just pull over man he like pulls over and gets water after just bragging about how uh um yeah how good the weed is but uh and then the next he's like i'm like i freaked out because i took three of them he's like i'm just gonna take one now i'm like you're gonna have a bad just don't do it he's like nah dude that's when he freaked out but um i've taken zanx a couple times for like because I was like having a panic attack and I was yeah I just I need to do something to calm down I took Xanax and every time I've been like I can never do this when I'm not in need of

it because it's the perfect this is exactly how I want to feel all the time yeah you don't give a fuck about anything so like if your life's going great it's amazing because you're like okay I'm really stressed I'll take the edge up but if your life if you're a loser you take Xanax you won't care about being a loser which is the big problem you're like yeah I'm gonna play video games all day and then order Chipotle and like or if you take it for a medical reason Yeah. You're like pretending that's not part of why that exists. It's really not though.

Because like I have anxiety like I get it if you're like on the verge of killing yourself or something like that. But like genuinely like I have panic attacks and like I will rarely like I'll take things to sleep. Like I haven't slept in like three days and I'm like I'll take a clown of it. But it's like the thing. Yeah. The whole concept though you're like oh it's like no you the whole point of anxiety medicine is to take it for a short period of time. And then like you're supposed to learn how to deal panic attacks outside of that. For sure.

But like it's like one of those things like and I have. haven't taken it in probably like four years. Yeah, yeah. But like having like a hyperventilating panic attack for like too long a period of time. And I'm like, I'm going to just be awake forever. Yeah. Unless I do something right now. Yeah.

Doing that. You ever had a panic attack where you went to the hospital? No. You like that? I had, I was just like hyperventilating once. And I went to the hospital because I thought I had like vape disease. It was like when all those people were dying from vaping. You somehow made it lamer than going to the hospital for anxiety.

I went to the hospital. I'm like hyperventilating. And I told, and the doctor comes in and she was like a really hot woman doctor. Yeah. And she, it's like the ER too.

So she's like, there's a guy here who just cut his own arm off. Yeah. He's like, I fucking don't need this shit. Yeah. And I was like, I'm pretty sure I have like vape disease.

And she was like, she just gave me Xana because she was like, get the fuck out of you right now. I'm so mad. I got fucking fat clouds, I dis. This is my. rig.

Giant tube the case. Yeah. It's still sick. Yeah. Well, that was the funny thing because the Xanax guy, it's a combo, right?

It's a guy who does Xanax, he's always dabbing and there's just fast food rappers all over. Like, I had friends that were showing to Xanax and it was like, you'd go to their apartment and it was just like a giant bowl of ash, just like so much ash. I'm like, you might as well just have a giant

dumpster because this is like so much and then just rappers all over the place. and playing a video game and then playing like JuCJ in the background and I would just come by and just be hours of that. Oh yeah. I mean, I got friends like that too and I'm just like, it feels rough to say because of your friend

but you're like, dude, you're fucking, you're like a loser. Yeah, yeah, it's not even like, I have friends that are like cokeheads, they'll get drunk and I'm like ruin your life in that way. Like do that aspect of it. We were actually making legendary stories. Now you're just like yeah, yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, I just like being barred out playing video games

at my apartment. Yeah, go barty out, drive. a car or something, you know. Do something meaningful with your life. Drink, take Xanax, and drive a car, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, be an adult. Yeah, yeah.

This is totally un-related. I saw the funniest thing on the fucking airplane. There was this bald guy with a Blue Lives Matter shirt watching Top Gun on the plane with no headphones on. And he's blasting Top Gun Maverick. And the flight attendant asked him five times to turn it down. It was the funniest thing. She goes, he's just like,

fat bald, like middle-aged man. She goes, sir, you got to turn down. I was like, thank you so much for asking him. And he goes, I'm sorry about that. And then he'd slowly turn it back up. It'd be like, I'm not my father. And he's like, yeah, but I was friends with your father. And I'm going to make sure that you don't go down the same path.

The flight attendant walks away and he slowly like puts on top gun glasses. But it's like a plane. It's like what we're doing here. So it's the same. Sir, you're going to have to turn it out. I'll turn it down if you let me in the cockpit. let me meet the pilot let me meet the pilot

oh my God you've ever been in the cockpit of the plane no no no I guess after I was a little bit of me in you like movies about gladiators

have you seen a ever seen a airplane I've never seen an airplane I love that point it's so fucking funny you ever been at a Turkish prison yeah

god damn but the crowds were so funny too like Austin crowds were like they wanted like wild stand up like I was like watered down for them which I was so not used to in New York City and they were they were like bored with me talking about banging a trans woman they're like yeah okay whatever like this is like yeah we're here I'm like I'm like I'm so cunty here I'm like I'm like a little edgy I'm like that's crazy because when I was in Austin I did a show where I like said the word retarded yeah and it got like a medium response yeah and I was like oh that joke does really well like everywhere

And then I got off stage and Eli was sitting in the back of the room and he was like Dude when you said retarded He's appointed a couple he's like That guy turned to his girlfriend and he goes He said the R word Really? I was like we're in Austin Texas right now

Are you kidding me? When did you go? Like during the lockdown Yeah yeah yeah I think Joe Rogan came there And just like converted the whole town Now the whole town is like just like yeah It's just cowboys Yeah yeah yeah yeah

And even like the liberal people there like Are like having fun with like the crazy stuff but it was such a wild adjustment because I was like, oh, they're bored of this subject. And, like,

I had to go harder than, I never like to pander too hard. Like, I'm still like, no, I'm going to do. Like, if I hear they're kind of like edgy,

I'm like, okay, I'll do my more progressive bits. Because I like doing stuff like that where I'm like, um, but then I get like, I get bored of that.

I don't get offended by comedy really. Yeah. Ever. But I'm just like, I get bored of like someone just saying the most crazy vile stuff. I'm like, I get it. Yeah.

Near Miss. comedy or not even justifying it just like even if it's like a solid bit I'm like after you know 10 minutes of it I'm like I get it this is you went as far as you could go yeah yeah yeah but that's the well that's why I didn't want to these jokes yeah that's why I didn't want to like I try to adjust accordingly so I was like okay I just won't do all the stuff that preps them for the joke because like sometimes you're like all right well if I'm doing like a joke about a baby funeral like sometimes I'll say something I hate baby funerals let me get it sorry yeah yeah I just cut all that I was like I'm still gonna do the joke okay but I'm not gonna go over and then

be like fucking only talking about pedophiles and stuff. You're like I'm in the baby funeral business. Making them happen. Yeah. That wasn't the funniest response. I got that bit. This woman, I did like a brewery in Tallahassee.

It's one was like, I love the baby rape joke. I was like, she goes, not what it was. I was like, you were not listening at all to what I was saying. It was about me attending a baby. No babies were raped.

What are you talking about? She just heard baby and it was like, this is going to be funny. I know where this is going. I bet he's going to talk about. baby rape. I was like, I was like,

even for me, that's a wild, uh, that's, I'm not taking on premise like that. It's fucking insane. I have about like 30 notes in my notes app that are just titled baby rape. Well,

it's like, it's like, what if baby raped? Yeah. This episode is going to get flagged. But, uh, yeah,

what was it? Yeah. I know, it's like, and then, uh, what's it called uh chattanooga was totally different it was like they were like uh i think dude i think the dillum of anything like got people like because i i've always done that bit about banging trans women

in the south and they've always like kind of like liked the bit they're like oh it's funny that you did like they're like and then uh they were just like they were getting like on like a little uncomfortable at first and i was like what i was like it was very interesting to see and i was like i didn't get this response until the dillum will vane i was like it's wait so you think that they do they're like under attack I was talking to somebody down there that was just like they were getting a Bud Light or they were drinking a cord. Like yeah, no, I'd never go back to Bud Light after what happened. And one of the

comics, the headliner had this joke about Joe Biden and they were getting like excited. Like they were like, I could see this woman like moving. And she'd go and then her husband would like stop doing it. He goes and he goes, stop, stop, stop. And he goes and his son's a pedophile. And I was like, you didn't, why'd you have to yell that in the show

right now? I thought, you know the sense I've got sometimes from crowds like that is like you do a joke that's like what you assume is their beliefs and it might be but they're just like we're also like intelligent people human beings and we can just laugh at

jokes you don't need to like pander to us oh totally yeah yeah yeah it's like it's like annoying yeah but that's why I'm a douche and I'll go kind of the other way like no matter what I think they are I'm like I'm gonna try this one which is like I'm never trying to offend them but I'm like let me see if I can like I'm never like I want people to have a bad time but I'm like let me see

and I just I have such a fear of pandering that I tried, I sometimes go the other way where I'm like, all right, what do you guys not like? I want to try to talk about that and see if it'll work. I pander so hard. I love it. Really? No. I don't just want to say someone. Well, thank you for understanding the point of the show. Some people get on the podcast

are like, I'm just not going to say anything. Just fill the airspace. Well, I'm nervous because it's like you guys are seasoned veterans of the Michael Good pod and I'm here. Lucky 20-year-old. You've been there since it was the ground floor. Look at how far we've come. We got box lights. Yeah, this is crazy, dude. Yeah, yeah, it's out of control.

Look how far we've got. You are homeless. I'm jacking off in a hooded sweatshirt in his living room. Started for no bar now I'm here. Yeah. I was on the road with another meeting for like four weeks once. And for the first like two and a half weeks of the trip, we were like sleeping in the same room every night.

Yeah. And so I didn't jerk off like the whole time. I was just like that. And then we got to a plate. we got to Austin where we had separate we in an Airbnb that had two rooms so I slept in my own room and uh we later that night we were at dinner I was like I was like man I when I got when we got to the Airbnb I was like oh fuck yeah I'm gonna jerk off I just yeah just took a nap and jerked off it was great yeah and he's like I'm jerking off the whole whole time yeah I was like really like

where and he's like just anytime you were like turned it away just like in the bathroom or whatever and I was like Jesus dude dude that's yeah it's not good I I I had a similar, I took this road trip. Now that the guy's going to know who he is, now that I'm just saying this, whatever. We took a road trip to Alabama from Florida State to Alabama. And we're staying on a friend's couch. And both of us were out drinking all night.

And this is the guy who gave me a ride to Alabama. And I'm jerking off in the morning and he turns around and makes eye contact with me. And then goes back and I was like, all right, I got to stop jerking off. And he for sure just saw me just like viciously jerking off. Because I was like, it was like 7 a.m. I'm like, everybody's passed out. I'm like, he's not going to wake up until noon. And I'd nowhere else to go.

and I have to kind of be jerking off in a laying down position. I don't know. It's a weird thing. But it just sucked because then I had like a three-hour car ride back with this guy. And both of us are just like,

yeah, come on, man. Like I was like, I'm on your team too, man, I shouldn't have been. I don't have, if I walk in on someone jerking off,

I'll just be like, whoops, sorry. I don't like, it's not like a, unless you're doing it weird. Ew. Yeah. How fuck are you doing?

Stop hurting yourself. Yeah, yeah. If you're like punching yourself in the dick, I'll be like, later on the night, like anybody. Yeah.

Oh, do I have a friend his brother walked in and I'm jerky off he started crying. He goes, what were you doing? You were hurting yourself like that.

He's like, what were you doing to it? How much of it did he see? I don't know, because it's like, I think it's a really terrifying thing because you just see it like a boy angle in his eyes and they're like,

oh yeah, when someone was jerk it off and they think they're completely alone. Yeah, it's those vicious look. Like you literally look like you're like, it's so tribal or not tribal, but like,

what's it called? Like primal. Primal. Yeah, yeah. You're just like, yeah, you're just like biting yourself on your fucking chest.

Yeah, it's not a pleasant thing to see. No, but it's also like, it's like I walked in and you like, take it a piss. It's like,

I know how it is. Well, and the hard part is your brain always reacts. I've been walked in on twice pissing recently and it's like people, it always takes a second for somebody.

Fucking walked in me pissing last night. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But sometimes it takes a second for your brain to realize what's going on.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You're just like, oh, oh, oh, yeah, I'm in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate fucking, I mean, I live with Eli

here, and I'll hear him come, I'll be taking a shit and I'll just hear him walk out of his room. And I'm like, oh, Eli's like getting some water or something. I'll just hear his footsteps. And then I realize he's about to open the bathroom door, like, when his hand is on the handle. Yeah, yeah.

So I just start talking, and he doesn't, he's like on his phone. He'll open the door and just look at me, I'm just like, yeah, no, it's, it's, yeah, No, I, the worst of those people that will just not accept that the door's locked. They're taking a shit in somewhere and they're like banging and they're like, oh, they're like, do you, please stop. Eli walked in and I'm be jerking off, I think, like, within like a month of us living together. Yeah.

Which was almost three years ago now. Yeah. He has not opened my door since. He doesn't even knock on it. Yeah. If he wants my attention, he'll call me from the kitchen. Yeah. Do you have a particularly like gruesome jerking off face?

No. What do you look like? Yeah, probably didn't even see my face. Could you? I'm facing this way and my door opens that way. Can you get you? My face? It's like this.

Can we see you do with your hands? Could I? Can I? Can you? He didn't pick up for a second. He's like, yeah, so I would joke up. Dude, I had one of the worst conversations to my dad recently.

So, uh, I was talking on podcasts like when I was a kid. I'd fuck like, I'd fuck like toys and house. I tried to fuck this one life-size Barbie head one time. Anyways. Um, it's, the guest, for, make those? The listeners, they've heard it. Let's just move on. Okay. So my dad's talking. They love, they love, they love me. Trust me. Trust me. They love, they love hearing it.

It's the favorite thing. But my dad's, my dad, like, listen to my podcast. And you heard about me doing it. And my grandparents, let's do it. They hated it. They were gross down. And then my dad, me and my dad are on, like, a long walk through the forest in our family house. We have, like, a family house in Tennessee. And it's, like, beautiful. The leaves are falling. And he's like, you know, I was watching Eddie Murphy. And he has this bit about putting toys up his ass. and he's very, he's very charming about it. There's something kind of like, are you literally lecturing me right now about how my bits about having sex with toys are not as good at Eddie Murphy's? I was like, you could have just never talked about this again. And for you to now, I was like, really like,

my feelings were hurt because it was like, not even like he was like, yeah, you know, there was a gross topic. It's disgusting. He's like, you know, Eddie Murphy can do that, but you can't talk about it because you'd much rather him be like, that was gross than, you'd be like, your skill is a comedian.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, what are we talking about? It was just like a nice walk through the woods. And I was like, God, damn it. It was also, I try to argue the point. I'm like, well, that's not your son. When you hear your son talking about something, it's going to sound disgusting versus Eddie Murphy talking about it.

Like, oh, that's a fun comedian. I was like, same of the reason why a woman in a bikini looks good. But if your daughter's in a bikini, it looks disgusting. And he's like, yeah, I think it's just more of the charm. I'm just like, oh, God. That's a bizarre conversation, dude. Yeah, yeah. He loves me, but I'm just fucking.

I was like, I was like, you're just kind of ugly and awful. I hate you. Yeah. Try a bright leather red suit when you do it. Try being in an arena full of people. Yeah, it's more charming when you're a hilarious black man who's one of the best stand-up comedians. I, uh, we got, we're at an hour. What do you guys want to promote?

I have nothing going on in my life. Okay. Yeah, got to follow Abe, though. Follow me at Abe Shaps. Yeah, Abe's, he's. He's really funny comedians. I'm the funniest guy here. By far.

He's in the song of the yesterday. He's really funny. He's great. Yeah. I invited him. He's not doing good. So I'm trying to. I didn't do.

I'm not doing well. You did well on the podcast. Don't, don't patronize me. All right. Yeah. Yeah. You see why.

You see why it doesn't get more of these opportunities. Yeah. Yeah. He kind of blows it. It's a real ray of sunshine. It's like there's lights here. And he sees these lights and it means nothing to them. That I have box lights.

He's like, oh, yeah. I don't like Jake, but I appreciate you. Yeah, of course, dude. Yeah, thanks for coming on. Oh, by the way, if you watch this on YouTube, Michael Good Comedy is my Instagram, and I also have older episodes on Spotify and Apple.

Thank you.