Morning Good - James Gets Traumatized - Episode 199

Episode Date: December 10, 2023

Paddy Defino and James Donlan return to the show for today's episode. They talk about old bits from other podcasts, prison sex etiquette, and seeing Lil Jon in the Bahamas.Thanks to Paddy and James for coming back on the show. Check these guys out on previous episodes together, and for even more hit their links below.James is on Instagram @jamesdonlon_, and hosts a call-in show Sundays at 8 on Radio Free Brooklyn. Paddy is on Instagram as well @paddy_is_funky and he also hosts News From Bed on YouTube, so make sure to check that out as well.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very, very. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. A level, yeah. I'm on my level, yeah. Dude, I remember I initially hated Wiz Khalifa. He was one of those guys, by the way. We were here with Patty Defino. Hey.

And James Donlin. Hey, what's going on, guys? Great to be here. Thanks for inviting me out. Oh, that was better than mine. I don't think you liked either of ours. Yeah, I didn't like either. That is a tough one because it's like I'm here with this person and they have like an allotted like second of time to.

To think about it. You heard what he said. It had to make a decision on it. Yeah. And you know what I did? I knocked it out of the park. Yeah, I guess. Because I'm not playing to the room.

I'm playing to the listener at home. Yeah. And they were like, you know what? I'm appreciative too that I get to listen to this. Right. Yeah. Was that blindfolded episode we did before you had video? I think so. Well, I used to do that thing where I had clips, but I didn't have video. It was like, oh, just be the clips.

Right. Didn't put on YouTube, which other people will do. And I like, I think it's so stupid. But then I did it for a while because I didn't know people were actually looking on YouTube. Because I was like, what kind of fucking loser watches a whole hour of podcast? And now I did it. It's ever. Now randomly, there'll be like a physical bit.

And I'm like, oh, I want to see what the, what does Joe List doing on this one? I'm like, oh, that's the face he was making. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's just such a funny concept of us doing a blindfolded podcast, and the audience has no idea. Yeah, well, I mean, the whole time I thought I was going to get hit in the balls. Like, that was like my big fear. I was like, somebody's going to hit me in the balls.

I'm just scared of closing my eyes in general. I don't know. Yeah. That would be a funny thing to do with the doctors. You just close your eyes. They're looking at your balls. Dude, I had a beautiful doc one time. Yeah, yeah.

Peruse the old. pants of Patty D. Dude, I would get hard every time a hot chick doctor looks in my feet. I think especially because I was in a relationship. You get hard in the doctor's office? Even with like the sterile environment. Dude, I have a thing for a doctor's office.

And I don't want to be a pervert, but I have a thing for a doctor's office. So I'm very, used to be afraid of the doctors as a kid. And I think the same thing is something about like what you're into is like normally the opposite of what you like in real life. Yeah. So what you feared as a kid is what you like as an adult. Yeah.

It's like Batman. He's probably sexually attracted to bats. That's the reality. That's why I want to fuck bears. Yeah. But it's like, yeah, no, I would get like, well, because I think also part of it was being a relationship for like seven years that like no woman touches you and then like a woman touch you.

You're like, oh, whoa. Yeah. And also they have to kind of, they can't be like, ugh, when they're like touching your dick. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's also a hotter, like for some reason, not sexual is hot to me. Like somebody you can be very just like, this is it. This is touching your penis.

Yeah. I don't want to have Barack Obama. Obama. Obama's check. Checking your penis. Checking your penis so I can make sure if I can marry you. Yeah. You need a penis for me to propose.

Take that. Barak. Wow. First is chef drowns. Now you're calling his wife a man. Yeah. Yeah, that is... God forbid he's never heard that before.

Yeah, well, that is the funniest... The messages... I've taught that before. That male is so funny. That we did blow past. It is irrelevant if he's gay or not, but it's just a fun thing that nobody's really leaning.

Like, if anything, if I was the gay community, I would be hyping up the Barack Obama as gay thing. You're talking about how Barack Obama Dumbledored himself? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I was gay the whole time. Like, yeah, my whole administration was gay. I'm the first gay press. By the way, for the people who don't know, there were... Barack Obama is gay.

Bye, bye, bye. Okay. Not every guy who has sex with men is gay. I'm kidding. I think it was a family guy. They're all looking at a strip club, but they're like, gay men go to male strip clubs too. And then Joe goes, yeah, sometimes bisexual guys go also.

And they all just like, look at Joe for a second and then look back. Sometimes bisexual guys go out. Sometimes, but, yeah. But, um, wait, let me try. Sometimes bisexual. Is that him? Is that Joe? Cleveland.

Oh, sorry. Cleveland. Sometimes bisexual. Yeah. Sometimes bisexual. Oh, that's pretty good. You know who does a good one is Joey D. Philippus? Really? He's got a good Cleveland Brown.

He, like, applied to be the new Cleveland Brown. Well, that doesn't solve the problem they were trying to solve. They were like, Cleveland's played by a white man and should be played by a black person. And that's a different white man. He's like, this is the job for me in Italian. That's black. They got a real pedophile to pay pervert or Herbert now. Yeah.

Yeah. Legally, you have to. Yeah. That was the funny he's trying to explain, like, my, uh, My brother's wife was walking into us watching Family Guy. And it was the episode where Chris is now hanging out with a new old guy and he's a Nazi. We're trying to explain. And Herbert's Jalice.

I'm like, okay, so that guy's a pedophile and that guy's a Nazi. And he's a guy trying to fuck Chris. And she's like, what is this show? It's the greatest show ever made. Yeah, I can lose. I've rewatched the Star Wars one recently. It's so fucking good. Yeah.

He must have been, like, he's such a big nerd. We were talking about Seth McFarland is like, I didn't realize he stole everything from those Leslie Nielsen movies. Oh, yeah, I think it was supposed to be, like, homage, because there's a bunch of, like, there's a bunch of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll, like, Ted, that is clearly the scene. It's like shot for shot,

the scene from airplane. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because, yeah, and then in, in Harvest Moon or whatever, the Star Wars one, when they're, like, Oh, are you like, he basically like, you know, it's based on Star Wars. He, like, he, like,

uh, good luck, just so, you know, we're all counting. I don't know, like, yeah, yeah, it's literally the cartoon version of, uh, lesson, yeah. Yep. Yeah, you're kind of a, cartoon version of Leslie Nielsen.

Is that what you've been saying about me behind my back? Do you have you been telling people in the cartoon version of Leslie Nes? Stop telling people. Jesus. People keep coming up to you for autographs. Yeah. We were talking about a different pot. We're just going to recreate the stuff.

We did a podcast yesterday. It was awesome. There was somebody else's podcast. Yes offense. And we were like, dude, I hope we can have this gold on ours. We're like, let's just try to recreate the bits from the last one. Dude, you know what I think it is? It's like, it's the time of day.

It's like six o'clock. Yeah, I like that we're at five right now. You're like, you know, we're not quite there. I'm like, this podcast is going to end really strong. Yeah, no, it will. Dude, I have the feeling of these listeners, too, stay with us. Yeah, we're going to have some gold coming out.

We do have some surprises playing. James is the golden hand of comedy. You just got to coax them enough and he'll lay a big fat egg. Then you'll be laughing. Then you'll all be laughing at my fat egg. Was there a, oh yeah, but we're saying the thing is that every guy is gay now, every black man is gay now.

This is your theory. Well, this is, he's looking away, but you started this theory. He's getting scared. He's getting scared. I'm trying to remember what the theory was. Every, every black guy is getting. There's a lot of black that's gay now. Not like intentionally, but like they're getting outed. Like he's never really come out of his kid themselves. It's kind of, they get, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It had something to do with like, if you're gay, your penis is pink. Remember? That was a different bit. Yeah. This is why we can't do that. You can't bring bits back to life. Yeah, we're joking that all game his penises are pink.

Which is why it takes white people longer to realize if they're gay. Because they can't tell if it's pink or wrong. Yeah, yeah. I got you. Well, I'll enjoy that when I listen to this other podcast, I guess. Yeah. But hearing and explain to me on this one is pretty cool. Should we just listen to the other podcast?

Yeah, yeah. Like laugh over top. Let's do a live react. Yeah. But that was the other one. Then it was the, because there was a bunch of black guys are getting out at his gay. And we were saying it would be very funny.

deep white deep state full of like politicians that are just trying to make every black guy look gay because they have bigger dicks. Well, he only fucks guys with that. He would never fuck a woman.

Only an ass could handle handle length of that length of that length. I was just listening to Opie and Anthony, Louis C.K. Like talking to Donald Rumsfeld and he's asking him if he's a lizard person and if he like eats babies.

Oh yeah. Like to get to that level of like the actual power of government. And just to ask them like, so are you a lizard, sir? Like just over the phone yelling and like, I would love to ask some questions of like. What about instead of Opie and Anthony, opiate Anthony? And it's just Anthony Cuma. And he's just asleep on the microphone.

Now to Opie and Anthony. And that's it. That would be pretty funny, right? It's a fantastic idea. I'm going to yes and everything you have. Just like the last one he's talking about how his grandpa's not racist because he wants his granddaughter to only date white people. And earlier, I was agreeing with it just in his kitchen.

And then the mics turned on. And I was like, wait, now that I think, I didn't think about it. I didn't think about it. It was not that I had the microphones were on. I wanted to say something positive. It was that I was like, I wasn't listening before. Now I think it is. What's going to be funny is like when we're all perceived as racist by our grandchildren.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because like we fucked a robot at one point. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We like called it a bucket of bolts or whatever. The slur. Yeah. yeah i always debated

i remember i talked to my ex about that i was like would you be mad if i had sex with a sex doll she said yes i was like okay what about a pocket pussy she said no i was like where's the line googly eyes on the pocket pussy is it a sex doll now right is it the eyes yeah

that's the most beautiful eyes googlies i'm like oh that's why you're getting lost in them yeah yeah i've never have you ever had like an urge to fucking inanimate object uh i made a pocket pussy in high school one time. I took two sponges. I put them together and I put a glove. Could they do in prison?

Yeah, that's what they do in prison? I don't know. The real guys in prison? The real strong ones that are too strong to fuck guys in the ass. You know what? Did we just solve prison rape? Just send them pocket pussies. Does that not? They already have iPads. Yeah, but that doesn't that doesn't like quench the thirst of like a squealing man.

Because you're in prison. You're not in prison for being like a lovely guy. Right. You've had a hard life. You need to put someone through some pain. That's what it is? I think so. Because a lot of them are like, man, there's just no women in here. But it's like, if you could get apocopause, they're like, yeah, that's not really like a little.

Like a man's ass, she's actually more like a woman than apocopus. You're like, I don't think so. And there's some feminine men in prison, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'd fuck a guy in the ass if we put googly eyes on the back. Yeah, that's true. A little lipstick.

Well, that was the, wait, I'm going, I want a blow job just put go. ugly eyes hunted asshole. Oh, yeah. A poo blow job. A little wig. A little wig on it. A top hat. Oh, Mrs. shitty mouth.

Good to see you. Yeah. I just had to have nothing to talk about. Like, I'm just like either deeply inside some man's ass or he's deeply inside mine, but we're from completely different backgrounds. Yeah. I just don't have any shared experience. You know?

Like, we have no common references. Like, this is just like friends. He's like, what? Yeah. It's like, Chandler and Joey. in this cell. Do you know that movie like what does it get hard the one more Yeah yeah Kevin Hart? Not what I thought

it was. I thought it was gonna help me out with my love life Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like I think a good Like that's like a good idea because you don't want to be a white guy going Into prison and have to get the swastika tattoo. Right. That's like bad news You want to you want to you? That is the question is Do you become a Nazi or do you get raped in the ass? Or or do you get really good at freestyle rap.

They just respect you? They just respect you. Yeah, I don't know if that happens. Or if you can produce beats. Like, if you can produce beats for other people. What are you going to be able to do that? How are you going to be able to, like, you have pots and pans? You bang together.

Yeah. Well, that guy's got talent. That'd be somebody you go to produce beats and then they all just beat the shit out of you and break you. Like, hey, guys, this is cool. They're like, now we're going to rape you 10 times harder. Hit that beat. Yeah. I made this on my computer.

or it's just a bunch of dials on a man's ass. Everything is just a man's ass. That's the power. It's how you power things in prison. Yeah. That's crazy. Somebody had the dubest argument. I was at a show a couple weeks ago in Florida.

And this guy's like, there's a lot of guys who like, you know, they actually purposely get arrested so they can go to prison and have gay sex. I'm like, nobody does that. Do you think people having gay sex are having a hard time finding gay sex? It's never been hard. No.

Yeah, yeah. If you're walking down the street and you stop to tie your shoe long enough. Yeah, you're going to find gay. You'll have gay sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not hard. Someone will have gay sex with you. It might be easier to find than water. Maybe. Okay, you're in, you're in, you're in, you're in the desert. Do you think it's easier to find a guy to suck your dick? Or guy's dick to suck. That's always, that's the easiest one to suck a guy. For water. I think that's probably what the toll is going to be for the water. Yeah. Yeah. Water is currency in some parts of the earth. Right. Yeah, I wonder like, because that's like water. Is there water.

water. There's no water on Mars, right? Or there is. But there's gay sex on Mars. There's about to be, I'll tell you that. When I get there, start fucking those marshes. Everybody you get to Mars is just a trucker who's just like, hey, man, you might help me out. You know, some guys actually go to Mars just so they can get fucked in the ass. Ran out of diesel about four parsecs away. Speaking of gay sex, we're just going to jump to it.

Oh, James, we got to talk to you about something. We saw the Diddy footage of you? We saw what you and Pete Diddy. we're up to. And we just want to know that we are here to support you. Yeah. If there's anything you want to come clean up. You've had something in the chamber now? This is what this is. You have something to show me? Well, I think you should have had something

to show us a long time ago. That really looks like me. Was that me? Did you deep fake my face onto someone getting fucked? What is wrong with you people? What is wrong with you guys? Oh my God. That looks like my feminine fucking

shoulders. I can't watch this, dude. You guys are gay, man. That's what that means. No, that was a woman. No, Michael's gay. Because he had to pour through the footage. No, that was a woman. That was a woman. So you're a lady. I'm not gay. You're a woman. The ultimate counter. I'm not kidding. You're a woman. I mean, your face perfectly fit all that one. So what are you? Yeah, tell me through this. This is the, this is the, response I could have gotten. First, what is going on? Second, now he's curious. It starts with him being like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? It ends in like, how did you do that? Like, you have that little curiosity, brain. Do you do this for all your podcast, guess? Yes. I mean, I should do this every single episode. I think you should.

That's a nice kid. They don't know. It is, it is a black, we're going to try to find a guy's, so you can see faces on both of them. It's going to be Pete Diddy getting fucked. Are you fucking getting fucked by Pete Day? Yeah, that's great. It was really, I don't, it's very upsetting to see her so. Fuck in the ass. I don't know if you guys have ever experienced this black mirror situation I'm in right now. Where I'm synthesizing memories with a black man that I've never had. It's also a black male situation.

Black male, black male situation. Give me $100 and nobody will know that a black man. Right. No, that's not even the noise I make during sex. I can easily disprove that. But do, court of law. Have a black guy fuck me in the ass. I'll show you the noise I actually make with that happens.

The facial expressions are like so good. I don't know how they do that. Honestly. I might have my producer just put in a... No, I want to. No, you can do that. All right, we'll put in one frame. Show them what you did to me.

Well, the original plan was so much worse that we didn't go with it. Yeah, the original plan, which you might have got keyed into last night. We were trying to find a picture of your mom. And we were going to have... Oh, that what you were asking me if my mom's name was Cindy? My mom doesn't have Facebook.

And that would be her bad. What? my mom getting fucked? By Patty? We were going to put Patty's face on it. We're going to try to find a guy with Ebenezer Scrooge hat, so it looked like a news from bed episode.

You try to find Ebenezer Scroo. And then I couldn't find any pictures of your mom. And then I went through Patty. You didn't know this, but then I went through Patty's mom. I couldn't find your mom on Facebook. It doesn't feel very nice. My mom is there.

I told him the plan. And then he's like, I was like, that isn't too far. Right. And Patty's like, nah, dude, it'll be very funny. It's fucking hilarious. Yeah.

As soon as you said that, I'm like, wait a minute. And then immediately I was like, let me switch teams. And then me and James, I'm going to tell James the full scenario. I'd be like, he wanted to do this with your mom. But I said it was too bad. I was going to lie back. I said it. And then we'll do it to him. That's awesome. And you can play that on the podcast. You think I could play that video on that? For sure, dude. There's no, there's nothing. You don't see it. But by the way, I will say this. I was like, why? It's funny. It's funny if you're on this side of the seating. Yeah. I really

want you guys to do this to yourselves to see what it's like... You remember the first episode of Black Mirror where he has to fuck a pig? Oh, yeah, yeah. This is what it feels... Can you explain to me what this is? The first episode of Black Mirror, the princess of Europe or whatever gets taken hostage. And so the prime minister, they're like, we'll release her or we'll kill her, but we'll

release her if you fuck a pig on TV and we see it. Yeah. So that's... They'll eventually hold her hostage. So what this feels like is you guys just took my likeness and image and made me fuck a pig, you know? Black men are pigs? No, not in that type,

but to be objectified for the hostage princes of your humor. We should send videos to Hamas of them having sex with pigs. Dude, that would be so... Just dropping CDs. Just to release the hostages, dude. That would be so funny to just...

Yeah, by the way, part of the apps has no political leaders, which is very funny because where do you draw the line? Like, can I just do like my mayor? Yeah, yeah. Like it says, like, you can't use political... Obama was a... a leader.

Yeah. But it's also wild because then you can't, you can do like... You should have been Obama fuck me in the ass. That would have been nice. Dude, there's so many people.

You can do a lot of options. It's so annoying that that's against the terms of... I could do P. Diddy fucking him. I could do me having sex with Taylor Swift and then show my... Dude, I wonder if any guys in high school do that nowadays. I totally had sex. Totally.

Showing their friend at deep fake of that begging. It's like, this is really high quality. I was cracking up thinking about like Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey like hooking up because everyone... They're like, a hot couple right now. So everyone's probably like, like, if they kiss, everyone's like, who?

Like, I'd love if like, like, leaked sex tape and like, it's just Taylor Swift and, and Travis Kelsey in a room and Taylor Swift's laying down and Travis Kelsey's just sitting on her face. That'd be so funny. Like, that's what they're doing. Yeah. He's sitting on Taylor Swift's. Holy shit.

Wow. That's what she likes, dude. Yeah. Yeah, that was, wasn't that the, the 50 cent thing was funny? So we're going to blackmail him. She's like, I'm going to tell the whole world. you like getting your ass eaten. He's like,

okay, I'm gonna tell the whole world I like get my ass eaten, which is so fucking gangster. It's very funny. Kanye freaks out when Amber Rose was like, you like getting your booty

eating out. He's like, no, I don't. I don't like that. Which we've learned because he did that is the wrong move. Because you're like, when you're totally like doing it.

Why are you freaking out? That's not what I like. That's against God. This was pre-Kanya God. This was also post-gay fish, Kanye, so he was probably watching his ass there. Yeah.

Or this is when he found God and he was getting his ass eating And he's like, there was a god out there. True. I'm no longer going to curse in my rap music. We all find God in different ways, dude. For me, it was DMT. Yeah.

For me, it was a lady's tongue in my butthole. It was the pig, fucking the pig to save civilization. But then there was the other one. Yeah, so he, like, there was another one. Oh, the Drake one was really funny. It was like the stripper was talking about how she ate Drake's ass. And she said he was like giggling and stuff. And like, ooh, which is so fucking funny.

It's so a typical drink. I would be giggling too, dude. Someone's rummaging around down there. Stop. But just the idea of Drake be like, oh, that's good. Starting at the bottom. Starting at the bottom now I'm queer.

Eat and out your booty. Not a whole club queer. Dude, I want to be Drake. I want to be, I want to Drakeify myself. I want to get an earring. I want to get a little heart carved, you know, carved into my head.

Do you want to be bound to a wheelchair and then break free? Yes. Did you break free at the end of DeGrasse? He didn't want to be in the wheelchair. That's the plot. They tie him into it. And he just levitates above everyone.

Yeah. Yeah. Six God. Yeah. Six God. Dude, you could have a Drake future. Drake future, dude.

Wow. That's kind of what this is, a little collab. That's kind of what that video was. Yeah. You're kind of like future. You're like Drake and I'm like the Baja man. Yeah.

Just a different group completely. That hasn't put out music in years. I had their CD when I was a young boy. I had the Baham NCD. Me too. Yeah. That's on. He used me to fuck up.

Who let the dogs out? That's what they played when they let the Hamas hostages. Who let the dogs down? Do you see how ugly all those hostages? They're all like 85. I see them every day on a lamp post. They're like kids though, you know. Are you talking about how unhound kids are, Patty?

No, no, no. Yes. This is a repeat of the last podcast. Yeah. Kids aren't hot. Sorry, James. Whoops. I didn't know.

No, but the most recent one was like, it was like 12 hostages, one of them was like 13 and the rest were like between the age of 60 and 90. Oh yeah, yeah. Like these are just like all elderly people. But they were hot. 20 year old women getting kidnapped too, right? At one time, I think they got to go first. Oh, okay.

Because spring break. Just like let us out. They're probably so fucking annoying, dude. Dude, could you imagine their boyfriend? He's like, dude, you just fucking hit me up in weeks. He's just so annoying. He's like, oh. Or it's just the time of their life.

He just isn't looking at the news at all. Well, that's what I would are. Was I talking about? There's got to be one guy who's the cool kind of like, not cool, but just kind of, I don't give a fuck teenager in like a mom, or in the Gaza Strip, and he just doesn't. He's like, I really don't even care about this shit. It's so fucking stupid.

Yeah, yeah. I don't even care, you know? It's just like what's going on around. I'm unaffected by it. It's like a guy wearing shorts when it's cold. Yeah, yeah. Listening to two bears one kid. It's like,

none of this makes sense. Why am I here? What am I doing? Yeah, I used to run open mics over there. I'd be the last comic in God's. He's barking. At the strip. Remember Louis had a show in Ukraine the night the attack started?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Everyone was like, is he there? Yeah, yeah. He had that information. Louis C.K. dies. People would be so excited. People that hate him, be like, that's what you get for jerking off in front of ladies.

Gotcha. Yeah, yeah. my dream about Louis Cicke. I told you this the other day. I had the funniest nightmare. I had this nightmare. I was opening in an arena for Luis CK. And my mom got drunk and disrupted the whole show

and was like super embarrassing, like just like falling out of her chair. An entire arena. Like that's how drunk she was. It was just cause me wrongs. My dad was like talking over people arguing with people. And I was like, Dad, you can't do that. He's like, you have no right to talk to me that way. You're my son.

And I'm like, did you're disrupting this whole show. From the stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then. He's miced too. The hand him a mic. And then I am walking on stage and the whole arena's flooding out. And it's because my sister,

she sent out an invite to a giant house party at my house. So the whole arena left before the show. And then Louis looks at me, he's like, hey, man, I guess it's probably just not going to be. I'm crying. I love that Louis is just cool with it. He's like, hey, man. It happens sometimes.

Yeah, life sucks. But this is just never, you're never, you know. And I was like, God damn it. Because I was like, this is the one opportunity. Not the one, but I was like, this is the biggest. clearly the biggest opportunity I've ever had comedy. It gets ruined by my family.

Hey, everyone in MSG, come to my album. Yeah, dude, we bought $60 tickets, but let's just go. Yeah, yeah, they just left before. It's funny, too, because there was, like, comics before me they got to perform and they were just like, yeah, let's go to this party.

Instead of hanging out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, that's the power of family. That's the message there. Yeah, you're turning to Michael Good. You turn it all into one life. I have to tie everything at the animal I'm like, well, that's why it's bored and did I, you know, did you maybe learn something from seeing you get fucking the ass by a black guy? Did you maybe think?

I, I, honestly, guys, it has not left my mind since you showed it to me. And I think that that's just something that you just did to me, you know? Now I got to think about what that would be. I would never have, I'm like one of those guys. So Patty, Patty and you were talking about it, right? Patty's going to be really funny if I put Michael's face getting fucked in the ass by a black guy. If Pete Diddy came up in conversation. I, I'm not.

I'm, I would be down for it. I'm just experiencing what it was like to have seen a video of myself getting fucked in the ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's different from you just being like, I'll give you a million dollars at a guy as to fuck you in the ass. Then it's just the prison of the mind. Yeah, this is your DMT trip. You made media that saved onto your phone that I visualized.

What if you walked out of me jerking off, dude? I don't know. You're a different guy now. I don't know. You're like homeless. You're like wondering. Jerking home. pictures of me getting fucked

in the ass on the street. I don't know what you're up to, man. You're going to Vermont. You know what you're up to. You're looking coming in the snow. I think the most the most amazing putting your white face on black bodies

fucking my supple, juicy ass. The most amazing Me Too story and all of comedy would be Michael Good having a podcast and also making porn of all of his podcast and shirking off.

Yeah, I mean, you can post these onto porn hub and have the guests getting all fucked as like the intro video and then that's just what you put as the thumbnail and you'll get like a bunch of views. This is a hilarious idea. I'd have to get consent from the guests, but also the reaction is so much funny. But you could have the video early and people are like, what the fuck and then the reaction comes later. Yeah. And also I did, your mom, it did feel a little bit like, oh, we don't have her permission, but as a friend, you have like prank permit. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah. There's a certain consensual line with pranks where you're like, all right, this is enough to wear.

Yeah. I don't think there's photos of my mom. on the internet. She doesn't have like Facebook. There's not we love. I found one. Yeah. It's too weird. I haven't saved on my phone. Yeah. I'm sure you do. It's like so zoomed in. There's like eight pixels. Like I think that's James. That's either James's his mom or like, like a gargoyle on a building again. You texted me like, hey, your mom, did, does your mom name Cindy? She added me on Facebook. This was our plan. This is what they did. Listen, get this on record. He texts me. He's like, yo, are you free to do the podcast tomorrow? I'm like, yeah, dude, I'm excited. That sounds great. And he's like, is your mom's name,

Cindy? Someone named Cindy added me on Facebook and he sends me a picture of a gay woman's Facebook page. This is all part of the play. I told, we're trying to figure out what your mom's name and I just immediately was like, no, that's not her name. No, you said it's, and then you said her name. Oh, so you bet. I didn't know. I thought I was like, no, that's not my mom.

There's no way he thought. I didn't bid. How could I have known what you were going to do? Make a fake video of my mom getting fucked in the ass by Patty. A fish doesn't know it's biting the Lord. She took you to Gutfeld and you were going to make video, she reserved tickets for you to see Gutfeld. She's a nice woman. She took me to Gutfeld, but Pete Dedy

took her to butt fell. Well, it was going to be you in the video. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, there was definitely... That's what he calls himself, Pete Dedy. Yeah. Yeah, no, it was my way, too, because I was... My butt felled to that black cock going inside of it. In the colonial sense. Well, it was so funny, because it was like, in my mind, I did decide. I was like, even if I found a picture,

I'm like, that would be crossing it. Because we don't have, like, fully consent for me. It is kind of a weird thing, but you would It's like a friend prank thing. I was like, it'll be fine. But then, so this morning, I was just on this couch watching. You slept here? No, I slept right there on the air match. That's the same thing?

I didn't know that. I've been sleeping here for weeks. I didn't know that. That's why my brain's turning into a goblet. This is a house full of goblets. You're making porn of your kids. Have you run out of porn, Michael? If you just being sickly, you just saw it all?

You got to hit it. I got to see. Well, the funny part is, I initially, I didn't make the, so I was like, okay, well, I got to find a gay porno. And I had to, like, look through gay porn like this morning. And definitely straight, I will say this. This isn't me just trying a lot of gay. It is very disturbing.

Yeah. I've always pride of myself and being like, ah, it's funny. Dude's fucking the ass. It's all funny. And then when you really see it, it is like, I was gagging. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I was like, this is like, very disturbing.

It's like, worse than, like, bombings in, in Gaza right now. It is like harder to stomach. Dude, I'm like, I'm like, look, I think, you know, I'm a very progressive guy, but I'm like, if, if the home of the people, maybe they stumbled upon, maybe this is where it starts, they stumble upon, maybe I'm on some journey. It all starts with making memes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're on a journey. It all starts with a practical joke. Be like, I'm going to fuck my friend in the ass. Yeah, yeah. Because then he got fucked in the end. The next thing you know, you are

a gayster. Did this happen to like Ben Shapiro? You think? He's like, this will be a funny prank. I'll do one of my friends getting fin. He goes, oh, God, oh, Lord, that's what they're doing? I'll put a yamaca on my Christian friend. And take a photo of him while he's asleep. And he's just getting fucked in the ass six months later. This is a great prank. I'm going to shoot my prank juice in his hands.

Have you been staying here? You guys have you been staying here? You guys have a little prank war We actually haven't been doing any bread butter on the finger. Dude, I don't know what that does. Oh, it's a mess. Just a dog look. Oh, he came in his pants. Like the water thing.

There be somebody who put your friend's hand in water and he just gets hard and starts shooting loads in his pants. And you're like, oh, no. That is not what I intended. Dude, when I was like a kid, we used to do the Dutch oven. Do you prefer that one? Oh, and you fart? We like set up like a like a fort almost like a giant like uh like one of those things that you cook like pottery in out of like pillows. We made like a giant furnace and there's a top like a throw pillow on the top that we would just open up and just rip farts in and then closes the top. But did you put anybody in there? Yeah. It was a it was my friend's younger cousin in there. And like I don't want to gas chamber them. Yeah. Wait what ET? Yeah. You know what ET? Yeah. You know what ET? He's like just laying there all disheffled on the side of the road.

river. That's what... Yeah, let's go fart in that dead alien's face. Got them, man. Yeah, yeah, if ET was accurate, they would have a tea bagged him or something. Yeah, for sure. 80s brink. Dude, when I was a kid, I remember... Sleepovers were so funny as a kid. Like, that was a funny.

Like, that was a funny shit. Like, this one kid, like, we thought someone was breaking in. It was just like his dad taking out the trash because we were kids. We freaked out. And in one of my friend's cousins, he was like, oh, what if these are my last moments? And he opened up his little shitty phone and he just had like a picture of Selena Gomez in a bikini.

And he was like, I just want to look one last time. Like, what? We got such a, oh, by the way, I was riding home from a Brooklyn Comedy Club with Michael last night. And on the train, Michael's just zooming in on a chick's tits. When it was the stomach, I don't see

she's pregnant, but yeah, yeah. It was just on just no shame publicly zooming out of what the stomach. I'm like looking over his shoulder. He's just zooming out. Zero shame. You can't do that on the train.

That's like, I'm learning the rules of being single. You can't digitally animate your friends based in that was never part of it. No one was like doing that. I'm going through a hard time right now.

You and a relationship is like, I would never do that. I would never, my friends go through a really hard breaker right now. It keeps making porn of me. It's fucked in the ass. That's not a usual step

of the recovery process. Sending it to me. He's home with. He's making porn of me. I love my friend, man. I hope he gets through it. Hi, this is Dr. Drew Pinsky. Yeah, my friend is making porn.

Hey, Delilah, can you play a song for me? Because my friend keeps making porn of me getting fucked by black guys. Sure. Sometimes I feel like... That's the song she played. What song is that? Bam, bam! Get away.

This is perfectly natural. A lot of people, they make porters of their friends when they're going through really hard times. I've got to. Run away. So you're tweeting. I'm just tweeting at like every podcast show.

Hey, hey, Theo Vaughn. My friend keeps making point. You know, they all do Q&A podcast now? Yeah. Yo, tell you what you're going to do. You got to make, I can't do it, Theo Vaugh. I don't know why I made him. Jordan Peterson.

Hey, man, your friend puts a brother behind you, starts changing their face. That's just on God. All right, that doesn't help me at all. Thanks for being Southernly poetic, I guess. The guy gets too much credit for having an accent. Like, the same thing with Matthew McConaughey,

just an aimless thought just gets to be like a YouTube clip. Oh, I disagree. I love him. I mean, I love Theo Vaughan. You hate every comedian. You think you're better than everybody. No, no. I just think sometimes it's like Theo Vaughan inspires fan. And you click the video and he's like, I don't know, man, there's pathons and there's Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like, what? I don't know what you're talking. Same thing with like Matthew McConaughey. You should send that video as your tape to the tiny cover. That's really funny. I should do that. I've also just decided I'm never going to, I figured out I'm never going to perform there again. Oh, you got booted? No, no, they have comment cards now.

Right? If you were ever offended by anything, like, right? I'm like, yeah. Not that I'm like out there. I'm never trying to be offensive, but I'm like, there's no way. Right. I'm not going to do is step on the wrong blade of grass. Yeah.

Or call a woman fat while she's leaving a show and then calling her back into the show. show subsequently. Patty? You want to explain the situation? So I have this video here of a fat... If you had that video, dude, a counter dude? Like a fucking upside down Ukio card. Now let's reverse the scenario. The lady that

heckled Patty and then he yelled at a bunch or whatever happened, he hit a woman. I don't remember the full story. Yeah, yeah. No, that's most of it. Let's get that out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He hit a woman. I hit a woman, but she was black. Okay. So he's saying she's... She could take it? enough that it's...

No, I'm going to let you figure out what that way. Wow. What a novel coronavirus. That's very funny. It's racist. You figure it up.

Yeah. Ball's in your court. The basketball is in your court. Yeah. So what's the role's reversed? No, no, no. You get that woman's face on a woman banging a guy

with a strap on it, and then you put Patty's face on the person. Yeah. And then we... That's revenge. I think she wouldn't be happy. She would be not mad at you anymore.

She'd be saddened for me. Yeah, that is the ultimate equalizer. Yeah, it's a deep fake video of fucking you in the ass. Yeah, yeah. That's how I'm going to, like, solve every apology ever. It's just send a video of me getting fucked in the ass by whoever. Whoever I wrong. Is this an app?

Redd of Thurneberg's strap on, baby. Yeah, sorry. She's 18 now, right? I don't know. We can make those jokes? She's 18, but her mind is, her mind is pudding. So she's, she averages to like 60

she's autistic so she's really smart in some ways and then really dumb Oh true By the way speaking of all this stuff Slim gyms should not be that hard to open I was eating a slim gym on the way over here I'm like the biggest dumb asses eat slim jims And they're the hardest things to open it

Yeah you try with your mouth Yeah you try with your teeth And then you get it all wet and then you can't open it with your fingers Wait what does this have to do with Greta Thunberg I have no idea how we got here Because you have to use your Thumburgs To open it up No idea I just something about intelligence

That was bad. I wish she didn't say anything. Yeah. What is she doing now? Is she... Does she even only fans? No. No, no, no.

No. She might be a child. It's really so disgusting. What? Now that any... Now that I did something shamefully sexual. Now the second I become sex positive on this podcast.

If a child is famous for political reasons, there's no countdown for when they turn 18, but if it's for... She's 20. She's 20. Okay. Oh, thank God. A Swedish. A stupid... I'd love to scratch. I'd love to scratch.

She'd scramble her brain, Dave. Back into normalcy. I could see her doing... This is fun time. I could see her doing a full reversal and then, like, becoming, like, an anti-environmentalist. I could see her transitioning

into a tree. The mighty... See, that's the kind of stuff I think is fun. Like, there's always, like, Tucker Carlson where he's like, look what they're doing. And I'm like, I want it to go that. Like, I'm really mad that, like, everything... Credit Thunberg is a tree.

I guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree at all. This has been Tucker Carl's... Wow. I was hoping you'd have a line or something. Me? You were hoping I would have something? It's a hard one to fucking. I was following your lead, bro.

Tucker Carlson be mad that Greta... Greta Thunberg is now a tree. This is what they want from us. Wait a second. Thunberg, Israel, Palestine. What's her take? Wow. Yeah, look it up.

Where does she stand? Greta Thurneberg. How dare you? It's probably like that bombs are an ecological disaster. Yeah. I think it's cool to care about the environment. You know, I think it's cool, you know? It would be surprising.

I'm so glad I have the if you're getting fucked in the ass. It would be surprising if she's pro-Israel. She stands with Gaza. I don't know what any of who is going on. What does that mean? Which says that? That's the autistic side. I stand with the land.

I stand with the land. The land. I stand with the streets. That is show. It's like our Pocahontas in a way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In what way, though? What if I fucked Greta Thunberg?

I think she still looks like she's 15, so I would be weird. Yeah, but if we base that on how they look, I'm not a pedophile. One of our friends bangs girls that looks younger, we always just call them a pedophile. If we base women on how they look, that means I'm not a pedophile. Okay, because you bang ugly women that look like they're a thousand years old. Yeah. Oh, okay. underage one. Let's...

I think Greta should team up with Kyle Rittenhouse. They should start like something together. Because like that's like the American response to like the European child. They kind of... It's like the two sides of autism, the left side of autism. One is shooting people and one's crying on, you know, Anderson Cooper. Yeah, it's also funny too because why was he wearing that glove when he had the gun? He had an air...

Nothing's fucking lamer than having an AR-15, but wearing a surgical glove to hold these. He's like, I don't want to get germs on my fingers. Like a Michael Jackson kind of glove. Yeah, he's probably one of those guys had like ear, like little ear protectors too, like little... Yeah, yeah. Which, to be fair, I use wild shooting, but I'm also a giant fucking pussy.

To drown out all the rap music. The people he shot was white, right? He shot like a white guy. Old white guy and a young guy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Which we got to stop white on white crime. He was like, he shot a pedophile.

He did a service to it. Like, he didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so true. They're like, George Floyd did fucking fentanyl. He deserved it. He didn't know that when he was kneeling on him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Trying to, like, prove it, like, retrospectively that the people deserve to. Yeah, I think we were talking about my podcast, how ridiculous that trial was. Where they were trying to be like, no, no, no, the carbon dioxide from the car. Right, like, what? The street was paved four weeks ago. There's a chemical actually in cement that makes you die. Yeah, the concrete was curing. Yeah.

It reacted with the melanin in his skin. The knee was opening his lungs up, actually. want to be like, guys, how much do you hate black people? Like, that you need to find, like, scientific anomalies. You're doing math to prove why you should have. Yeah. Those are, like, those nerds who, like, try to

disprove, like, theories on, like, scientific theories, like, their job is to, like, flat-Ethers? Prove them wrong. Yeah. Well, not technically flat-er. I'm sorry, I brought it up, man. I was listening to some flat-eather today. I was, I was listening to B-O-B while running. Like, like, when I, when I lift weights,

I listen to, like, a hard rap music, and I listen to like inspiring rap music when I'm running. I was listening to, can we pretend that airplane. I'm just running as fast as I can. Are flying over a disc. Yeah. There's no round planet now.

Wait, who's B-O-B? He's a flat-earther, like, rapper. He's one of those guys that kind of like, people thought he was going to be like the next kind of kid-cutty kind of guy because he had kind of like, he was one of those guys that's like, I'm rapping for those kids that are alone by themselves. So I know there's other people out there, you know. One of those like, yeah, do you skip class too?

But actually secretly you're, smart and nobody really appreciates your artistic value. You know those rappers? Yeah. Yeah. Do you, are you a black kid that likes Dragon Ball Z? Keeps drawing Goku on every page of your notebook? Listen to this album. Yeah, you feel less of low. It'll resonate. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But I was listening to that. Yeah, he's a flat earther. Because he did like, in college, we had this thing where it was, it was spring break in the Bahamas. And it was this fucking sick deal where it was like, you paid like $2.50 or something like that.

like literally 275, and then you get a hotel in the Bahamas, and then it's like three days of just straight partying, and then they have like, what's it called, like, surprise guests, and they had BOP, which fucking sucks it. Kind of a lame one. But everybody at the bar was asking him about being a flat earth, and he's just like, it's just what I believe. But then we had little John, and he gets on and does one song. I was so pissed.

He does shots, and he goes, I'm too drunk to do my job. It's like, your job is being drunk and yelling shit. I was so furious. And I tried to take a picture of them next day. He's like, nah, man, that was so fucking sad. But it's also funny, though, when I was at a point where I didn't realize that celebrities don't. I was like, he owes me a pit, which is not true at all. It's just living his life.

And in my mind, I started just like telling everybody, I'm like, well, John, he's going to be in rehab in a couple months. I'm telling you. Trust me, I've seen this story before. The first step is not taking photos. Yeah, I was so buttered about it. It's like, no pictures right now. I'm regular-sized John. Yeah.

The camera adds 10 pounds. I can't be big John on camera. My dad got like in trouble. because he's like a huge fan of Grace Potter. I don't know if you know who Grace Potter. Is that Harry Potter's mom? Yes. Now, what is Harry Potter's?

Lily. Lily Potter. Lily and James Potter died to protect him. And that's why Paddy's dad got in trouble. Good. Sorry. Grace Potter, my dad was like a huge fan and would like send her like emails and stuff.

Who is she there? Do we... She's a musician. She's like a Vermont-based musician. But, like, we went to a show one time, and people were, like, standing in line, and they were, like, yeah, like, they were, like, hiking up security because I guess, like, one of Grace Potter's stalkers is here,

and it was, like, my dad. It was just my dad. We're like, oh, my God. Because he would, like, sneak, like, press passes and, like, try to get into, like, the... You know that, like, strip in front of the... stage where he had like the worst camera we're like dad you're not supposed

dude we would go to concerts with him and he would just be like on state like he'd be like he'd be like I got to go to the bathroom we would be like where is he and we'd see him in the like pit of like photographers we're like how in the base tonight dude he would just get in places like that's kind of sick

well because I think as an adult like as a teenager like I had a friend I remember this one guy in high school he at like it was called sunset music festival, this is EDM Fest in Tampa. And he, like, jumped on stage on a bunch of drugs and got, like, tackled by security. And there's a video number, he's like, it's so fucking sick that he got tackled by it. But as a kid, they expect that.

But as an adult, they're like, there's no way this adult is sneaking behind the grace potter. That'd be so ridiculous. You can kind of get away with things. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he does, he just like does stuff that, like, you're, like, people are like, oh, you can't go in there. He's like, we're going to go in. Until people are like, sir, you need to leave.

And then we're going to loiter a little bit. Dude, I took him to the Brooklyn Mirage because he's like a big, big into like stages and lights and sound and like all that stuff. And the Brooklyn Mirage is like this big outdoor music venue with a giant LED screen. And this was like during the day. I took him past it. I was like, I just want you to see where it is because I like showed him pictures. And we pulled up and like there's like a door open because they were like loading in all the stuff. And he just gets out of the car and just walks into the mirage.

And I was just like, like, scurried in behind him. So we just walked in totally empty while they're setting. It was like the coolest thing. And he's standing in the middle. I swear to God, I've never, he's like a devout Irish Catholic. I've never heard him swear once. He looked at all the lights in there and was just like spinning around under his breath. He just goes, holy fuck.

I just like, that's like giving your dad like a Ferrari, you know? It's like buying a house for your mom or something. You get a holy fuck out of him. Yeah, my dad doesn't say it's just not curse. Yeah. At least you made it holy. Yeah. Holy fuck.

Yeah. A righteous fuck. Yeah. Righteous fuck. Yeah, dude. I wish I was like a little more like him in that regard and just like going out and getting the shit you want, you know? Well, people like, what is it? Like this one guy I was talking to says he gets into a bunch of UFC events.

He just has a clipboard, black shirt, clipboard over a case of water. He just walks with purpose. People are like this guy. He's clearly involved with UFC if he's got a case of water. Yeah. Dude, you get an on-it shirt. It looked like you're one of Joe Rogan's kind of guys. Yeah.

You can do whatever you want. Yeah. The key is you have to work that vein in your board. They see that. That's like a sign. Oh, he's one of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let him in.

I did a lot of events with the radio station. And it would, like, the stupidest events would have the highest. You might be out of frame right now. Thanks. Yeah. They would have, like, the stupidest events would have... By the way, I would just want to say, I want your face in frame so I can use it for more pornography.

Yeah. Can you make more O face? Oh! Hold on. I'll hold the mic like this for the rest of the show. No, just security can be annoying. Like the stupidest, like I went to like, I did an event

for the radio station, just like a street fair. And security wouldn't let us go anywhere. But I did an event at like MSG and it was like the easiest place to just sneak in and out of it. Yeah. The bigger they are, they almost are like, well, what's going to happen?

Oh, yeah. They're usually supposed to open mic in the East Village. And then you walk past there and they'd be IDing the fuck out of people at 3 p.m. You're like, what high schoolers are going to drink at 3 p.m.? The fucking auto's shrunken head. Exactly. That's when you know there's been like a thick amount of rape in the area.

When they start ideating. Pianos. They were like the biggest ideas. Like you would get like padded. Dude, we got our show at pianos, which you did. And like the week before like we got it, there was like a, what was it? Like a TikTok. There was this TikTok.

that went viral about a woman who got date raped there. But that is always funny though when they blame the venue. It's like the venue didn't put roofies in your drink and then meet you outside. I mean, unless the woman was like passed out on the floor and they're dragging her by her ankles like that, obviously you're like, hey, this is horrendous.

Yeah, this is pretty bad. But it could indicate something about the clientele at the bar. Who's coming to this bar? That's true. I get that, but it's also like rapists can go like any... Yeah. Also, little... I thought I was safe here now that I'm at a...

Little... tip for women. If you, you're on a date and the guy has an eye patch, you might get roofied. If you're on a date and he's got long fingernails, you might get roofing. What Jeff Foxwood that we were doing on the last one? It was, you might be a pedophile. Don't let, we can't try to do it again. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I also just realized we did, I think, calmed out already did that. I unintentionally have done it. It's hard to like, re, you know, Frankenstein a bit. Well, I always tell, like, I have younger sister, I always tell her, like, drink vodka sodas, because it's probably, like, more. I have no idea if there's any signs of that, but I'm like, it would be

harder to see, it would be easier to see, like, a date rate pill on that. Yeah, maybe. I have no idea. I'm just, I totally just get us. All the ones I use are completely undetected. Scentless. Yeah, I've have a perfect wreck. I went to a party once in college, and I did, like, two shots, and then I, like, woke up at home. And I was like, there was something, and, like, a bunch of random guys showed up at the party. And I drank some of their liquor. And I was like, What was in that liquor? What was in that?

Like, why did I wake up at home? That's such a power move to just date, rape every single person at a party and be like, now I get the pick of the litter. Just a whole party's passed out. There's like 100 people. Like it's, uh, what's, what's it? No, throw that one in the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then you have to put them. You're like, we only have 30 seconds left. You have to put them up in place exactly where they are. Like a little man. It's like, yeah. It's like twilight zone. Yeah. Whoa.

It's just feel bad. Why has my dick just been freshly sucked? Yeah. There was, yeah, does anybody feel like their balls are slightly later? That was the only thing. So relaxed right now. That was the only thing about Click that was not, you know,

you think Adam Sandler would have just been a rapist? I think any person, I think any person who has the power to stop time would be a rapist. By proxy becomes a rapist. You know, to be fair, I've never had that power. I like to think I would never do something like to happen. If you, if time got stopped forever, like, first of all, if you go to prison for a while, it's proven that you become gay.

Like, if time got stopped. If time stopped on this podcast for an hour, I would have sex with both of you guys. And then I would take a video and change the faces. So it's not, you guys. I would reverse it. Wow. You make the human son of pain. Or be funny, you put Alan's face on raping us.

And you're like, no, it was Alan broke in here and raped us? Why aren't you getting raped? I don't know. I was just in a different room. Alan's face with my body. Did Alan lose weight? I don't mind now, I guess. Good for him.

You can just lie about weight loss. I'm just going to tell people I used to be 400 pounds. Makes me hotter. I'm definitely losing weight, and I'm going, I'm swinging by extra girlfriends to get stuff, and this is the week I've cared the most about losing. My diet's been so strict. Last night, I was going to take an edible.

We're at, like, the weed shop. I'm like, do you have anything? zero calories. I don't want to break my intermittent bad. I'm gonna look hot when I see my ex. Do you have any revenge edible? It's funny, too, because I'm like going to like pick up like a TV. I'm just gonna be like flexing and just fucking small.

Yeah. Are you trying to win her back? I just want to make a good approach. I mean, you know, that's a complex question. I ask them straight, right? If you're making porn to me, I can ask you about your inner life. Well, the funniest question is people ask you where I live. it is the most complex answer.

So where do you live? I'm like, okay, Max girl from the apartment for two months. I paid rent. I'm kind of a hero. And then technically I've been couch surfing and I'm about to sign a new lease soon.

So I'm not technically homeless, but I'm sort of homeless. But I did the noble thing by giving her the apartment. That's my answer. To where do you live? That is noble. I love how you realize

it was noble after the fact when someone told you. Yeah, that's a noble. He goes, oh yeah, I guess it was the good thing. You are noble. Is that why that horse is skewed up outside?

No, you're thinking of stable. Oh. I'm definitely not stable. I am far from stable right now. Noble, but not stable. Have you gotten laid now that you're homeless? Yeah, I've talked about enough episode. I don't know.

I don't listen. No, no. He's gotten laid more in the past, like probably two weeks than I have in my life. Here, like just taking them home to the air mattress? No, I don't know. I don't know who's squealing in and out of here. I'm not aware.

You've, you've, you've had sex twice. All right, guys, move on, move on. Yeah. But, uh... It's a tear to my eye. I don't cry. Yeah, I want to go back to the date rape. All right, let's get back to...

I remember I was arguing, uh, Whippets. By the way, I, this will, we're gonna relate all this together. I'm an efficiency person. Okay, this is a weird way this place to start. This is a weird... So we were doing Whippets. I was doing Whippets at a... I was at a comedy festival in Vermont this weekend.

I haven't there Wippets in like three years. And I, uh, this guy's doing Wipits and he's like, yeah, I just do one. I was like, okay. And they're all doing one whip it every like 10 minutes. I'm like, you know you can just do three. And it's like way better, right? And the guy's like, dude, come. He's like, look, I'm like you.

You know, I'm a drug addict, right? He's like, you know, I was going to get a- I'm like, I was going to get a- Like you, I'm a fucking piece of shit. And I was like, dude, I'm not a drug addict. He's like, but we're not doing three whippets at once. I was like, first off, you guys have been doing one whip it every 10 minutes. It's not better to do one every two. Just do three at once and get the full effect.

Right. I'm an efficiency guy. and like I was getting what's it called today like the other kind of I just I like doing things the most efficient way like I'm getting caffeine pills and that's what I'm doing moving forward because there's zero calories in it but yeah yeah that's I don't know how that related to anything we're talking about you want to talk about date rape stuff yes I was defending whippets one time in high school and this woman this girl was like my

uncle's brain dead from whippets and I'm like that's bull it was just like that's that didn't happen I was in my mind I was like it doesn't sound like it happens to an uncle you know it doesn't seem like uncles do whippets Is it sarcasm that's No, no. No, I thought it would be like a 21-year-old dirtbag. Well, maybe when he was...

20-year-old dirtbags die in motorcycle accidents they could have prevented. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty standard. Yeah, or drug drug. But it was like, she was very much, she's like, he's branded from Wibbitts.

I'm like, first off, like, that's so, like, you have to do so many shrugs to be brand... Like, it's like, there's always, there's always the thing I remember, like, I think my dad said that about some rock star. He's like, yeah, you know, Robert Plant's brain is just fried from drugs. That's just not true.

He's great in interview. saying things like that. Like, the heroin. Heroin doesn't fry your... Like, these are all inaccurate things. Ozzy's brain is fucked up. That is from massive amounts of drugs. Yeah, but that's from like eating live animals on stage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just biting into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, your teeth just start growing back into your skull when you're British because they're just pushing up against your brain.

But the woman, she, like, looks up an article in the beast. It's like the danger of whippets. It's like some people use whippets to date rate people. It lasts one minute. Who is... Yeah, that's the fat. And then your friend doesn't... you pull your pants down,

then immediately they're like, what? You're like, go, go, go. Yeah, it's like, that's like, that's not a scenario that happens. Just raping people on airplanes.

Go, go, go, go. Unless you're doing an Inception-style gas mask thing. On a plane, on a train. Yeah. I want to inception people's like, but like just in their dreams. You know,

you just have sex with them in their dreams. Yeah. It would be fun. Inception sex. Insection. I wish there was a way to know if someone fucked you in their dream. They'll tell you if they think you're hot.

I used to think, I guess. I used to think all the time. in high school, like, when I had sexy girl in my dream, I, like, counted that in my head. Like, I remember being in a whole day. I was like, yeah, it's pretty great night last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I shouldn't have said a legitimate girl from my high school.

I also didn't have to say that part. That just straight out of that. Yeah, we didn't know. But I remember I was like, yeah, I was walking into the classics day. I was like, yeah, you know, still. Yeah, like, I had that confidence as if it. That's pretty cool. Yeah, because I'm like, there's no way that's, there's got to be some truth through,

which there's not. It's just my brain, having to be open for, can be. and arenas and having sex with women. It's always, my brain is always more successful than I. My dreams are always like, I'm never doing worse, really. I'm always doing better in my dreams. I'm like, yeah, of course I have a Ferrari

and I'm friends to Joe Rogan. Do you remember? You like, here on the couch? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm like, fuck. Do you remember my friend that I stayed with in Austin? Yeah, I want to say his name just because of this story. But when he was in high school, on like three occasions, we would

like get fucked up. And then like, We'd like run outside and he would run over to this girl's house who like lived in the neighborhood. And he would just shit on her porch. He did it like so many times. Like people were like who is like who's doing this and like we always knew and it was a secret. And now I just spilled the secret. But I had to. It's so funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Taking a dump on a hot girl's fucking porth. That is awesome. Yeah, that is a great power move. There I said you were hot. How about that? Yeah. There's no way.

I bet she takes it down on my porch. My chest. My porch is the porch of the body. This is my front door. This is the screen door. And this is my porch, right? By the way, veranda. We were talking about this last week.

It's a patio. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. It was mentioned, by the way, I learned things. It's like a lanai. Yeah. Don't they have a lot of lanais in Florida? A gazebo.

A gazebo. Bigzbo is a thing. Zizbo's a thing. Zobos are beautiful, dude. Yeah. Not all of them, but like, Most of the time if you have a gazebo, something beautiful, it's like a wedding or something.

You like Florida houses? Some of them. So, like, I really like Spanish-style houses. Yeah, yeah, yeah, those are nice, right? You go to, like, the expensive areas of Miami. They look really nice over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's sick.

I don't like, I really hate New England style houses. Like, I hate the northeast kind of look where it's like, it looks very like, just looks white as fuck. Right. Everything looks like a miniature white house for some reason. Yeah, yeah. It's like columns. Like, like, you're a plumber.

Why don't you need columns? Yeah, yeah. Pipes running through those? Yeah, you think Pitbull's house Look like that? No, it's fucking DJ Khalid. Yeah, he probably has a sick house. He's not some white-ass pussy fucking...

You've been to Star Island? No, it's... Miami? It's where all the celebrities live. Really? Yeah, it's on an island. There's no way it's called Star Island. It's called Star Island. It's called Star Island, brother.

Huh? Wow. Very same as where the Statue of Liberty lives today. Star of my heart. Yeah. Gozy-bo! That's my new catchphrase. Dude, I...

Morning good. I didn't realize this. until I brought out like, uh... What's happened? Did your brain fall out? What's going on? You've been, I've been baited. He's still...

He's still... I think I just... I just ruined your brain with that. It's like psychological damage I've caused, James. Yeah, I think of mind virus. I really don't know if we're going to get over this in our friendship. There's really this weird feeling I'm feeling right. I have to do something to you now.

That's all I'll say. I wake up on there. He's fucking me in the ass. Is it funny now, Michael? You're wearing Patty's face. I've cut off. Welcome to the real deep fake. Deep in this fake boy's ass.

A real life. That's so funny. Just wearing someone else's random face for some reason. I'm just wearing like the neighbors. I don't even know who that is. Well, they're blacks. They don't be black fans. You can't do that chance.

That's where we draw the line. That's like that joke on the Nick Mullen special where he's like, someone's like, yeah, we're pregnant and touching. just the belly and he's like, I know where babies are. He's like, fuck you. I'll rip off your face. I'll fuck your wife.

It's like, I'll kill your whole family. I'll be pregnant with my family. That was hilarious. By the way, people, I mean, I don't want to, I don't have to be promoted. I feel so lame promoting more successful. Yeah, I don't need our thing, but Nick Mall and special is fucking hilarious. Very good. I think it was the funniest one I've seen this year.

Yeah. Yeah, it was really good. It's, it's good to just see like good comedy. Yeah. I feel like it's, there's not a lot. There's so much. it's becoming Netflix like you know

Netflix just puts that a ton of shit yeah yeah yeah and then none of it is good you watch all these like 10 minute sets that are on YouTube from like huge companies you know no like all these random companies

like JetBlue will have like a standout special why do you stand up on YouTube JetBlue they should collaborate because so much of comedy is about airplanes and airlines

but nobody wants to be on an airplane reminded of that they're on an airplane that's why they cut all air flight crash scenes out of movies do they actually do that they do and then that's so they don't have like disaster movies on airplanes. It's all carried.

How do they do 9-11 the movie? Or Sully. They just don't put those on there. They're not going to put Sully on a plane because it's going to remind you that that can happen. Right. I was like kind of thinking of myself. I mean, you can watch Sully on your personal device.

They're not going to be like, we think that. Throw it out of the plane. They just closed the screen slowly, sir. I was always, I was like thinking to myself the other day, like why you never see like a fat pilot. And then I realized it was because the plane would just nose the eye to the ocean.

You have to have a fat stewardess in the back to balance it out. I'll just toss you the peanuts from the back. Yeah. I hate to do this, but we are at an hour. I had a great time. That was great. This was a fantastic experience. I was fucked in the ass.

We laughed. We cried. I cried. I was fucked in the ass again. You know? I have nothing to promote. Late night live. Yeah, on the 13th.

December 13th at Starbar. want to come? Maybe I'll have something to show you. What are you doing on December 13th? I really don't like the energy I've created. A premiere on the slide at the show. Michael getting gang banged. Starbar, December 13th. Come watch Michael Goods' life fall like the sands of time. That'll teach you to put my face on a woman's body. It's so much fun here that it's a woman. I really wish your tits for in the video too, because it would be like a I like that they're not because now I'm telling you, dude, you can play that. Okay, okay. But, yeah, Patty is funky, news from bed, check it out. Perfect. I already said my thing. Okay.

Thank you for listening. Yeah, thanks. Thanks, listener. And by the way, shut up. Peace. Sorry, I don't like that I did. I just, I don't like that I said peace. Like, I think I'm cool.

All right, love you guys. Thank you.