Morning Good - Joke Soldier - Episode 258

Episode Date: February 23, 2025

Nikhil Mehta and Matt Bowman join the show for today's episode. They talk about how they first learned curse words, the birth of Matt's child, and their hopes and dreams/ fears of looming homelessness. Thanks to Paddy and Nikhil for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes and hit their links down below for more.Nikhil is on Instagram @nikhilmehtaaah. Matt is on Instagram as well @mattbowmancomedy and also hosts the podcast Matt Bowman is Bothered.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning good, good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. All right, guys, welcome to the morning good podcast. This is Michael Good and Matt Bowman and the Kilmetto. Hey, you want to get off your phone? Yeah, this guy. He fucking walks the door. First off, I love that you didn't understand that, like, if trains are broken, that they don't have replacement shuttles.

Yeah, that was clutch, actually. Super close. I had no clue. How long have you lived here? Five years. Holy shit. Let me check something real quick. Keep going. So when you see something that it's just like over the weekend, the L is not servicing, like, half of its route, you thought it was just not going? I know when it's, like, kind of like, a service emergency, but I just figured the train wasn't running, so there'd be no way to get here. He texts me, he goes, he goes, if the train's not running, I just don't go to the place I was going.

That's incredible. I love that. I'm going to start using that. She's like, I can't. There's no. The train's broken. There's no way. There's no way.

I checked him with EA. He said there's no way to get there. Do you? No, I have missed legit. I probably missed like 10 to 12. Spots? Important things? Not just spot.

Just maybe like events of some sort. What's the worst thing you've missed because you're late? Were you worried about missing the birth of your own son? No. What were you doing when your wife went into labor? So we had it, she was induced. Okay. So we were already at the hospital.

The annoying thing about that was that we had a scheduled an inducement for like 11 a.m. How do they induce? Do they put like videos of other women giving birth? Kind of like when you need to pee, they like run water. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They have baby crying noises in the room. No, they got to fucking, they like shoot,

they do stuff like in the vagina and shit. Like they put a balloon in there and like open it. It's great. Yeah, it was pretty cool. There's clowns at the thing? Yeah, it's pretty sick. That's wild. No, but I was kind of annoyed with my wife.

But I could, obviously, you couldn't say anything because she's about to give birth. Yeah, yeah. Why were you annoyed with her? So we had scheduled an inducement for like 11 a.m. Were you doing like the, the fucking Dana White thing where he's like, my wife was supposed to give birth on the 14th, but the Brock Lesnar fight was the 15th. So I made her give birth. I love that.

I'm sorry. I love that we're just like exposed to accept that that that's like a good guy. He, like, slapped his wife, and everybody's like, he slapped his fucking wife. Then he's just constantly, he's like, yeah, I told my wife she has to change the date of her. He's a fucking piece of shit. To be clear, we are talking about Dana White and not me. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, none of this happened, not Matt Bowman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are kind of sounding like a piece of shit so far. The only reason I was annoyed was because we had a scheduled thing. Literally, it was for, like, 10 or 11, the next morning. Like, we go to sleep. my wife wakes up at 1 a.m. And is convinced she is in labor. Like, convinced. And I was like, it's got to be hard with your first one,

because you probably don't know what it feels like. She has no, yeah, yeah, yeah, to be fair. Like, no, in my head, I'm like, there's no way you're not. Like, we're at, we are early, we scheduled the inducement early. Like, it was, so, whatever. We get to the hospital.

I mean, we drive 40 minutes. Why did you guys, what's the point of scheduling it early? So, like, it was like, It was not a necessary inducement. So sometimes if you're taking, if it's, it's supposed to take like however many weeks. And if you get well past that date,

the doctor would be like, all right, fucking, we're getting it out of you. So we're scheduling something. Sam was just done being pregnant. And so she was like, we're going to put this on the books.

And I know exactly the day that I'm going to do it and all of that. Okay. That's a lot easier. Yeah, it's great. Except we show up to the hospital at 2 o'clock in the morning.

We got to walk into the ER. and we wait there, we get sent to the triage center, which is like a holding cell, basically in the hospital. We don't get really talked to until like three, four in the morning, at which point the doctor says that she,

you're supposed to be 10 centimeters dilated is when you would give birth. My wife was a half a centimeter. And she was like, it's coming now! And I'm like, I don't think so. And so, but then we just, so we just stayed in the hospital for like eight hours.

that we, or nine hours that we just didn't. And you had to be in a triage, which is the worst. Because, like, your wife is, like, giving labor, and there's some guy in there who's like, there's probably like a homeless guy complaining. He's like, this place sucks. We're like, yeah, we know it sucks. We're all waiting for the same fucking thing. Dude, there was a fucking guy who was, his friends brought him in because he had, he, who

knows if he was telling the truth or not, but he said that he had taken, like, 30 Vicodin, and drank two double bottles of wine. And the only thing he would say, he just kept asking, where's my vape? Where's my vape? You stole my fucking vape. And they were like, sir, we didn't steal your vape. And he was like, well, you stole my shorts. I know you stole something.

And I'm like, all right, man. They literally had to, like, security held him down because he started to get, like, violent. And they fucking, they shot him up. They had hit him twice to knock him out. Like, they gave him a sedative. But how do you do that with somebody who's on 30 Vicod and in a bottle of water? Dude, he was.

Dude, all of these spiritual cultures have, like, these, like, very, like kind of like customs and practices about like the peace you need to give birth like it's a big process like the whole month before like yeah and then to just get born in a New York City hospital is probably

dude I don't know if I went to the so the hospital we went to is over in like Park Slope and I guess it's the only like full service ER in the area so like everybody goes there like so if it's in the middle of the night so like when we were there literally

every, there were 15 cops all over. Everybody was on a gurney that they were handcuffed to. And I was just like, what the fuck is going on, dude? Why were they, they like, so they were either, they were, they were either OD'd

or they were homeless and they were whatever. But so, like, a lot of them are, like, sitting, they got, like, no shoes on, and they're just sitting there, and they're just handcuffed to this gurney, and they're just, like, shoveling, like, day-old waffles into their mouth, because that was, like, the food that they were given or whatever. It was, I mean,

I mean, there's a guy eventually, we got a room, but the guy that was right next to us was a guy who had really, really bad, he checked himself in. He had really bad kidney stones. And so he was just literally laying next to us, and he was just going, uh, I was like, hey man, can you cool? Yeah, yeah, you're worried about a little stone coming out of you, and my wife's about to shoot a whole baby out of her pussy? Shut up, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's this big. My son's head is literally, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you talking about right now? Yeah. But it was not a fun experience. Yeah. I'm also, I'm terrified of kidney stone.

I love talking about like the birth of your kid. I'm like, that's great, but kidney stones. Yeah. They sound bad. I've never had them. Well, I've been told I have a very... The male in me does... It's probably so incurred, but I'm like a kidney stone is probably...

Like, there's no way there's anything worse than that. Yeah, well, there's always like... Pissing a fucking stone out of your dick? Yeah. I hear both sides of it. I've seen the thing where they give the guys the machine that's supposed to equal what it's like being on your period. Oh, okay.

And obviously it was like fun. You could be ratcheting that thing up to 10. Oh, dude, you're in charge. Who do you think's in charge of making the, you're on your period machine? There's no way it's like a level-headed guy is for sure. Somebody that's like, oh, I'm going to show this fucking, these piece of shit dudes. How bad it hurts. Put it on and there's like literal like thumb tacks in it.

Yeah, there's no way. What is the fuck is going on? But then the other side of it too is like, yeah, yeah, it's like there's that. And then there's also like, I heard somebody just being like, you're giving birth, like, literally doesn't, it doesn't even hurt. Like, there's no, it has to, like, it has to be insanely painful. Oh, dude. Like, they, so at the time we finally got a fucking room. So she was being induced. And so that takes a long time. Like, it takes hours. So she got started like getting the drugs at like eight in the morning. And we did not have, my son was born at 2 a.m. that next morning. So we were in the hospital all day. And we were just chilling. And, and. Down the hall, you just hear like this, like, there was a masseuse that came by to, like, massage my wife's feet, and that was pretty nice. But she had to, like, tap out halfway through because she had to go help with the delivery. Yeah. Like, she's like, hey, guys, I got to help with the delivery.

I'll be right back. I'll be perfect. And she's, like, very calm and all of it. And then literally five minutes later from down the hall, you just hear, oh, my God! Ah! It's just like some woman being eviscerated. And I'm just like, can you shut up? My wife's trying not to freak out over here.

Yeah, yeah. But yeah, it took a little while, but her, my wife's actual delivery is only like 20 minutes. Like, she pushed for a total of 20 minutes and fell right out. That still sounds so painful. It's so funny, too, because, like, I was joking about that stuff earlier. As, like, a real feminist, I'll have to say that I'm joking. Yes. Just to let people know where I stand, the war of men versus women.

That's right. But I'm on the women's side. But I, I, I, I, what is it? Are you sure? It's starting to sound like you're not I don't give a fuck But it's like I've just watched your comedy And stuff

But go ahead I have like the least sexist comedy out there Go ahead Hold the microphone closer I'm like actually I gotta fucking tell you We gotta duct tape it to your mouth But no it's like I don't know I've had like a shit that I'm like

This is When is this is gonna end That's been like five minutes So 20 minutes is so much time To have a baby come out of your vagina Yeah That's so cool But like the lady that was down

the hall, like, that was the end of her, like, pushing for, like, eight hours. Eight hour labor? Yeah. Like, there's some, dude, there's sometimes, like, they have, like, fucking contraptions that, like, hang from the ceiling that, like, you got to, like, hang on. It's crazy. I just feel like we're doing this wrong. She spent more time getting, like, sewn up than she did actually giving birth.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like there's just got to be a way, like, you know how, okay, here's an idea. They have lasers that break kidney stones up. Okay. How does that work? Do they really? Yeah, so they shoot a laser in your stomach

and it somehow just like breaks the rocks so it's easier to come out. Whoa. So maybe there's a way to... You should do that for abortions? Yes, they should. It would be a lot of these. That's kind of my...

That's kind of my... Oh, yeah. But there's got to be a way to kind of... I don't know, hit the baby in the right angles just so you sort of break its arms and legs. And then... But not permanently. Just like a little...

They'll heal back. So your baby's just going to be in like a body cast, kind of like a BMX racer. So it slides right out. Yeah. Yeah. And then you put it in a body kit. Look, these are just some ideas.

Nobody wants to listen to me, though. The appendages, like, the, uh, appendages, like, fucking float around. You're supposed to be head down. And so my son was head down in the womb for a long time. And that's how you're supposed to be. But if you're feet down, that's breach. Dude, I actually think you're probably on, like, there's got to be a way to sort of train a fetus to maybe.

To flip over. Yeah. Let them know it's like when you go down a water slide. You're supposed to cross your arms and legs. You kind of slide out all at once. Yeah. But, uh, yeah. I don't even think you're.

Like, if you, if you laser... I think the fact you're taking this seriously is completely... No, I'm saying. This is completely like this joke. Laser beam like around... So, boom, it gets shocked. Then its leg curls up like this. Right.

Make it as... And flip it around. Dimensional as possible, so... Yeah, because if it's feet down, if their breach, like, it has to be a... It's gonna move its leg if it's getting fucking laser... Yeah.

Laser sorted. That's true. Yeah. I cannot believe you're arguing this series. I was thinking of the dumbest thing I could say. Did you just say? You just never know where modern medicine is going to go. That is true.

There are certain things you are surprised, yeah. Actually, I think I would be good at passing kidney stones. I've been told that I have a very wide penis hole. Really? Yes, women say, women say have a big penis hole. You got to, they say it just like that. Just. Yeah, they say, you have a big penis hole.

Wow, Michael, that was a very quick two and a half minutes, but you have a huge penis hole. Why are they turned on by that? Do women love big penis holes, dude? They're like, dude, if I could just fucking fit a catheter in there easily? You keep calling it. penis hole is very funny to me. I used to call it a dick hole. Yeah, that's fun.

Yeah, sometimes you have a dickle in your tickle. You ever have a dickle in your tickle? Dickle. Okay, good. Sometimes you ever just get a random tickle inside of your penis? There's no way to scratch this. Yeah. It's on the inside.

A part of me, after you told me, now I'm like, I'm wondering if I have a big dick hole or not, you know? Well, you can compare dick holes in a different time. I mean, this program is really more about learning about the, what is it called? The miracle of life. That's the word I was looking for you. Yeah, yeah. That's really it. We used to have a coach.

He would show us, like, the video of the miracle of life. Well, okay, that's... He was a gym teacher. He was like, he was not like, yeah, it's football time, boys. He wasn't one for pregame speeches, this guy. Yeah, he would just show us. But he showed us the miracle of life, and he kept, like, do the thing with the TV remote's broken. Yeah.

And he's like, oh, sorry, guys, TV's broken. We got to stay here. We're like, coach. Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we had our penis diagrams in class. he's like, time to whip out your penis boys, just kidding, the diagrams.

Oh, I'm saying. Nice. Yeah. Did you guys watch that, like, was it a big thing for you? Did you listen when I said, hold the microphone closer? Oh, my bad.

I'm totally right. I'm just buster your bones. Oh, yeah. Like in Ohio, they made a end of seventh grade, you got to watch this be a pretty video. Yeah. And there's such a buildup to it.

Yeah. Like, this is it. Yeah. Yeah. We're three months away from watching this. It's, Dude, it was. It was a count.

The teachers are fucking paranoid. Yeah. They're like, all these kids are going to laugh when they see a dick on the screen. Like, it's like a big. Yeah. It's great. It was a huge deal. Was it seven?

I thought, in my memory, it was sixth. Or was it seven? We did sixth grade. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I think it was sixth grade. Because they gave you, like, they gave you like nibbles and like fifth of like, we're going to start. We're starting to talk about the human body and where it's going. And then by the end of sixth grade, they were just like, do you want to see the hairiest vagina you've ever imagined give birth?

And it's just like, I guess, that's what we're doing today in health class. Yeah. It was pretty sick. Yeah, we had, I've, my dad gave me the talk. And I was, like, such a fucking cool sex guy that I, like, knew. I was, like, throwing out other terms just to impress them. He's like, when a man's penis gets hard, I'm like, dude, I know all about that shit. Yeah.

I'm like, are we talking two guys fucking one chick? We're talking nine women. We talk in fucking BDSM. We age clapping right now? Yeah. You're talking edging, gooning. Are we talking looks maxing? We talk in a North Korean fudge rocket.

We talk in Alaskan pipelines. What kind of stuff are we talking today? My dad's just like, you're disgusting. That's kind of been the trend. I remember being so cool. My cousins were like, yo, yo, yo, come in here. Look what Michael knows about. And I was like, sex.

And they're like, oh, he knows about it. And I was like five, yeah, yeah. Damn, dude. Yeah, I remember, I was kind of like the dealer of bad words a little bit. Oh, nice. Like, I remember like my brother would tell, like, I would kind of collect them from older people and kind of like let people

know, I'd be like, I got the words, even if you know this. I thought cock was a C word for a while, but then I found out it was cunt eventually. Yeah. Yeah. Which is, that was considered the worst word. When I was a kid, cunt, everybody's like, the worst word is cunt. Yeah. We did a kid from the south,

he was the one who first introduced us to the N-word. Whoa. Whitey? Yep. Oh, yeah, dude. My uncle went to your high school? Dropped a hard ar and a black kid at recess.

That had to be really funny if he dropped it and nobody knew what it was. Well, that was the thing. The black kid knew it, but there was like a group of white kids around who they had no idea what it was. Black kids started crying and then it was like a whole. And here's a fun. Man, imagine how easy that would be. You could say the N-word instead of getting your ass kicked, the guy just starts crying. Start crying.

what an easy world that is. The white dude dropped that he was from Tennessee. It was his first week at the school. He had just moved there. Coming in hot. He didn't know that it was a bit, like, he just thought that's what you call it. Like,

yeah, yeah, he went to school where there were no black kids. Holy shit. Just right away dropped. Yeah, it's probably like in his retarded textbook. Where there's, like, this is, uh, there's lots of different races and this is what's here. He called him James Crow.

That's how we got that word, uh, where I was going, damn, dude. I was taught it really weirdly. I was taught that, like, from like, I forgot it was like an older kid. Like, I was taught it in a way I was like, I was taught it very equally. I mean, obviously it's not equal at all.

Right. But I was taught that like a trashy white people are white trash and trashy black people are the N-word. Yeah. And white trash. So I thought it was like inner. That's what I was taught. In school?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not in school. Right after the Miracle of Life video. Yeah, yeah. They were just like, let's just tackle race relations while we're on Yeah, I was not, like, when I heard the word, I was like, oh, yeah, this was like, this was that. Like, that's what, uh, it's used to describe, like, trashy black, but I was not told, like, oh, like, black people are this. Sure. Um, interesting.

And then I, we read it in Tom Sawyer and stuff like that. Yeah. But I was definitely told, like, do not call people this. Yeah. That was a, that was a, you were sweating if you were doing, like, popcorn reading and you were reading Tom Sawyer. Oh, that was a hilarious, hilarious. Oh, God, dude. that was so funny.

Oh, boy. Yeah. I mean, also, like, I'm not even an exaggerate. Florida is, like, people drop that shit, like, way too much. And what year was this? The year thing happened? So, it was second grade. Second, okay, that's fine.

Because, Nikil and I are from... Close. We're both from Cincinnati. And Nikiel went to a, I'll say, a blacker high school than I did. There would be more, more DEI going on. Yes, 100%. And so I was like, if this was, like, if this was... like a sophomore. I'm like, dude, that kid's going to

die. Then you're dumb for, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's what are you doing, dude? Well, that's how crazy mine was. Like, soft day was completely acceptable. Oh, dude, this kid fucking went on a, he, uh, I don't know, I guess, you know, I don't know what happened at school, but he would hit Facebook with, uh, he threw up an N-word on the Facebook

post and said he was going to, and they locked it down next day. He threw a thread in there, he was like, all these N-words and they were like, yeah, we're going to just lock down tomorrow. Locked on the school? Holy shit, dude. Dang. Damn. That's how he took attendance at my house.

I'm just kidding. No, I had a fucking Instagram post that had a soft day on it until like five years ago. Oh, his was a hard. Hardier. No, of course. And his was a threat. I forget exactly what he's, but yeah. It's not a threat, though, because he's a white guy.

It's not really, you know what I mean? It's like so unthreatening. Sure. I think he's brought up, like, shooting up to school or something like that. Yeah, okay, now it's a threat. A white guy being like, I'm going to kick all these black guys's asses. You're like, that's not a threat. All right.

that's yeah but there's a lot about honking outside that's all right they almost knew we were gonna talk about this word

and they were like let's beep it out in case anybody gets a little too comfortable I was I was, how were you guys

introduced to cunt not to wait that was a late one I had introduced myself to cunt I was like walking around the school and

you just made it you were like look what I found yeah I found some cunt is always an interesting one I feel

yeah have you ever have you ever heard had a woman using a sexual context I never have. No, I feel like, I feel like the, like, British ladies or like English women. I hear what my can't.

My can't. Put it my can't. They say, what they said about their, like about their pussy, though? I don't know. That would be aggressive. Yeah. They say, they have the minge. They call their puss minge. Like, my minge. I'm not kidding. Weird, but hot.

I feel like I love to fuck a trashy brook, or, uh, what do you call it? British. Yeah. I come over here. Get away, put me in my pussy. I don't know that. Why are you fucking... Yeah.

I get over here, Mr. Good. Yeah, with your cock. I put your right in me. Jason Statham. That's why you're in the ass right now. What I want you to do is take your cock out and put it in my pussy. Transport it.

I'm the transporter of cocks into my pussy. Yeah, I know. I feel a trash in Susan Boyle or something. I think a trashy British chick would be hot to me. I don't know. You ever watch those British dating shows? There's some chick who's just like smoking cigs and all tatted up.

But cunt is also not as high on the totem pole over there. No, not at all. And I think here it's like diminishing. It's like one of those things too. It's like cursing was bad. Like dude, like if you watch old Key & Peel, like especially they could say the N-word but they couldn't say fuck, which is crazy.

Yeah. Well, there's still the stuff that you can't say on like mainstream television until like a certain time. Like you can't say fuck on the Tonight show. without it getting... No, no, no. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think there's... Yeah, that's why it's so weird that everything's like reversed. People start, like, beeping, which I do too, but you beep words on Instagram and you're like, what is the point of anything now? Dude, that...

I'm not gonna... That makes me so mad. I will say this. I don't care if either you guys do, this. Hiding likes also gets me. Yeah. Do you hide your likes?

No. Okay, good. No. You hide your likes? Own the failure. Yeah, right? Yeah. Own the failure.

It is a coward move, but I've been close. Really? I'm just like, how are you going to be like... It's getting to hour two when you're like, ugh. You're literally telling people, you're like, I'm scared that you're going to think I don't get enough likes.

Like, there's no other way. You're basically like, no matter what it happens, it's like, you look like such a fucking pussy. Yeah. Yeah, no, I hate that shit. Yeah, and it's because it's come so full circle. Like, in, like, the 60s, 70s, 80s, not, like, religious people were the ones who invented the, like,

explicit lyric. on like fucking whatever, like on music, on CDs and whatnot. And now it's like all the way back around. Well, Germany's going. I think it's going back the other way, though. I think it'll hit a point where you're allowed to do whatever, and then it'll go right back around somehow.

Yeah, yeah. And then there's going to be the people, somebody in our friend group, maybe in the kill, is going to be one of those, you know, the comedians that were like fun for a while and then randomly they're just like, I've evolved. That kind of humor is not okay, and anybody that does it is wrong. For a paycheck?

100%. Dude, I could see, I could like... Just fully switching and being like, look, that was a way different time. Dude, I could see myself sort of running a character like that, like a Hassan Minaj type. Yeah, yeah. Hey, guys, let's tone it down a little bit. I saw him at the airport one time. It's funny because this whole thing is like, it's so hard for me the airport.

I saw him skip like the whole line at the airport one time. I mean, I was like... Swear my life. You know how he got called out for like lying in his bits? Yeah, yeah. But if you start a new one, Yeah, he didn't even get the extra security, like, you start calling him out for his, like, getting pulled over it.

Because that's, like, one of his bits. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, maybe it's one of those things, too, where I'm like... I think it's one. I don't know, actually, even though. Probably. I'm 95% sure that this would happen. I saw him at the back of the line, and maybe he has, like, some crazy clearance,

but randomly he's just, like, right behind me in line. And I was like, all right. I'm sure it is harder. Imagine calling him out in person. Be like, hey. Dude, I saw your bit. Yeah. You just skip that all line.

You start talking to everybody else in line. Just like, hey, guys, just so you know, this guy's a fucking liar. Yeah. They said they check his bag every time. This is bullshit. Well, like, do you think it? I mean, for sure it has to be harder, right? Like, do you?

Oh, the airport? Yeah, you got it. Honestly, like, not even bullshitting. For sure. Have you been random check before? I will always get the bag. The bag thing. Yeah, for sure.

Oh, like they not always. I would say 60. percent if I put a carry-on back through the thing, I'm getting the check. All PSA agents are black. That is true. Not my fault. No, they got some white. They got some white chicks who are trying to

fucking, like a little pudgyer white chick out there. Of course, just yelling at me for no reason. And it's hilarious the look because they'll open. Then they know I got nothing. Yeah, like not even like a shampoo bottle over. Yeah. And then they just go through it and just all closed. and they just close it up.

They open your shit? Yeah. Well, they have to. If you go through the, if your thing. Oh, yeah. I had that one time because I, this is me. I'm like transporting. But I never got thrown into like a cell or whatever.

Yeah, yeah. Except I did get the extra for like a two hours once, but that was actually, that my passport was expired. Oh, got you. Yeah, that's a problem. Yeah. Yeah, they'll bust you for that. Yeah, that just, it's always funny too because I feel like it's always like an old Middle Eastern, like lady in front of me that's just getting, like, like they're just fucking checking everything.

I'm like, this would be a good plan to have her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll say as, as, as a, as a, as a white, some, I'll tell you about my struggle. Yeah, yeah, the things that I don't like. I don't like when they, everybody, everybody, every airport pretends or acts like every other airport

does security the exact same way. Yeah, right. It's so goddamn annoying. Where they're like, where, where you go to me, you're like, so I take my shoes off? They're like, what are you a fucking idiot? Keep your shoes on. I'm like, but then it changes every week.

But then when you're on the way back, you're like, they're like, why are your fucking shoes on? You're trying to blow up the plane? I'm like, no, dude, I'm sorry. Like, when I left Dallas, they didn't tell me to do anything. It's just a little bit of authority though. You kind of get, like, you go home to your shitty life. Yeah.

You're kind of like, let me yell at somebody at the airport. The best is when you get, it's not, it's very rare. But do you ever get the like super jovial guy? Like the guy who's like. He's the most mentally ill. Yes. By far. But it is slightly refreshing.

Yeah, he just, like, murdered four women that day. So he's like, I got a great life. Right. You love your job at the TSA. I mean, you've got to be out of your fucking life. Yeah. All right, guys, come on. We're going to take our laptops out,

and we're going to have the bottle of stuff. It's because five kids got molested at that day by him. And he's like, look, nobody's going to find out. Because why, like, what else? You have to be getting away with something if you're enjoying your life in that shitty job. Right. Right.

As soon as he gets behind the door, he's just like, ha, bap, but, or you, like, It puts the lotion on its shelf. Or you come back home, you close the door, and you just start crying. Yeah. That is the saddest thing. Picture you're just crying. It is...

Do the sliding down at the door, just like... God damn, dude, that suck. Yeah. I would never... Might be me one day. Yeah? I feel like you got to, like... Do they let anybody do that, or do you have to have, like, some security...

Like, you have to go through, like, some... They're agents, bro. There's secret agents. Are they? It's all a non-secret agents, yeah. Well, I mean, they're T-S agent. That's what it stands for, right? No, no, no.

Transportation security. So the T-A-A-A, they're T-S-A-A is because they're T-S-A agents, right? You call them agents, right, don't you? Yeah, so it would be... Transportation security. Agency, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're an agent for the agency.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think that's what it is. Yeah. And then the flying is FAA. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

They, like, uh, yeah, it's so many. too, because whenever I think of my life, I think of it going 30 different ways. I have lots of these visions where I'm on like a jet ski and I have like a mansion because comedy went really well. Yeah. Then I have ones where I'm like, I don't know, I'm like a homeless guy. Talking about your minge. Yes, talking about my minge. There's constant visions of me being a homeless guy.

It's like, how many of your 30 roads lead to homeless? Dude, a lot. It's like I'll bomb a set and then I just immediately am picturing myself being homeless. So one leads to a mansion and you're about 13 leaning to... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 13 lead to homeless. There's a couple ones where I'm, like, a cool professor in college, and I'm like, you know, I used to do stand-up. That is an interesting one right there.

This is like, this is like that scene in end game when Benedict Cumberbatch is just like, I've seen all of the different versions of this. They all lead to me being homeless. I know, yeah. I'm a successful comedian in one of them. Me was just like, no teeth sucking a homeless guy's dick. You know what I just thought about the saddest route I've seen is I used to work at a sales company.

We used to like tech sales or whatever. And we used to have to do a training every year with this guy. It was two weeks of the year. And he was a failed stand-up comedian. And everybody would be like, yo, we got the training. That guy used to do stand-up. They said he used to tour with George Carly. Like, he would talk about it.

And, dude, he would go up there and just bomb for the four of this. And, like, start getting mad when people didn't laugh at his jokes. He would sometimes get into it with people. Were they old? Like, could you tell that, like, oh, you haven't updated the evening? He's like, Richard. Nixon. He's like, why is this bombing? You guys don't understand.

No, what I started to realize was this was a guy who was like a perpetual open mic because I knew, like I'd done some open mics at this point. Yeah. So I kind of got how the scene worked and shit. Everybody was like, yo, he used to like he knew George Carl, like all this shit. Yeah. Well, I think I know you're talking about he wear very fun shirts. I don't know. He was like a

No, I mean we were like training, corporate training. Okay. But I remember at the last day I asked I was like yeah everybody says you like We're out there with like Pryor and shit And he was like yeah yeah I met him

You know when you start realizing someone's just long I was like oh 100% Oh this is this is bad You were he was at the comedy store As an audience member And Pryor was on stage Or maybe he was in the back Prior bottom on stage

He's like look at this fucking retog Right here bringing him on stage Yeah I was on stage bumping mics It's George Carlin man look at your fucking stupid ass shoes it's a great George Carlin impression I was doing Richard Pryor I was making a joke

yeah okay well I'll allow a couple more of those but I really like to be the star of the show so maybe just keep it down yeah you're in the middle take it just we're at like four okay

that's how much fun you're having bring it down to a two I'm gonna be at a 10 okay yeah you we've been 6.5 you're gonna be a 6.5 you're gonna be to 4

because I didn't like how we tried to take out I'm just gonna talk like that. No, no, no, please, please, please do not. Well, we've been trying to prop you up. We've been sort of like before this, we've been trying to be like, you know, Pippin. Yeah. And, uh, what's the, what's the guy for? Steve Kerr? Steve Kerr, yeah. I'm starting to think that my producer.

But you're kind of like, you're kind of leading this astray, I think, a little bit. Yeah. Does that what's happened on this episode? How is? I've never, is this like, is this good? I have no fucking idea. This is for me? I'm having a great. ass fucking time with my boys. I'll say this. It's very fun. I mean, probably once a month.

Yeah, I come on. And almost every time, as soon as we're done, like, Michael will get up and he'll turn the camera off and be like, dude, that was like the best fucking episode I've ever done. And I'm just like, it can't be like that every time. Like, after the third time, I was like, I don't believe you. No, no, no, no.

Because if it's bad, I go, hey, that was good. Yeah. No, no, it's you. We've had some good ones. Well, I think there's something about, like, white people where y'all will listen to like the like this totally like white people love like just i'm not even like yeah i'm not even trying to do like no it's just like a noise of stuff like the amount of podcasts that are on bar stoll and shit yeah yeah and they're all just talking like it's just combos

about really oh it's so yeah i was um you know we went to the devil raise game the other day and like shit like that was like yeah yeah it will never listen to the no 100 percent it's we we have we have we have the lowest standards for entertainment a couple other white guys talking we're good 100% and then it's like to get the no but you guys have high standards you will listen

to something shitty and be like this is total shit and then keep listening to it that is true let me check in see if it's still shit still sucks still sucks and listen to the whole hour well you look at it I got into like the Reddit of podcasts like

deep like all that like the Brendan Scha world and all that it's just like people hate listening all day but they're listening yeah oh yeah yeah we I mean white people love being haters absolutely yeah yeah we love that shit yeah other binary haters it's either good like this guy's cool or is not there's really

oh I've never had mutual okay at pains about anybody I either hate you completely or I love you yeah I'm saying there's no gray area not at all yeah no yeah and then it's the other way it's like you watch like an episode of the breakfast club and you're like this is so much more interesting than any way conversation. Charlemagne's just bullying Machine Gun

Kelly and just being like, I don't like your shit. Machine Gun Kelly's like crying. Or Kat Williams is just going crazy. He's like, the smirfs are real. Joe Rogan's full of shit. A bunch of untownded ass motherfuckers.

You're dead on. Yeah, yeah. You're dead on. You hand fucking Charlemagne a podcast Mike, it just turns to 10 right away. It's amazing. He's, it's, it's He's such a cunt. I said this before.

I love the way he asks questions because he doesn't ask them. He just insults people and acts like it's vague as shit. He's always just like, so, uh, what do you say to those people out there that are saying you're like a total little bitch with like a small penis? It's like, do you mean you saying that? It's just like, what journalist? What article are you getting that from? So what are your thoughts on like those people out there that think you're terrible at music

and your first album suck, the second one sucked, third one sucked. you're like, that's not a question. You're just saying that this guy sucks. Oh, dude. That's in general, I hate that. When, like, somebody doesn't know how to ask a question, like, just say it. Then they add, like, so many qualifiers to it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I agree. And they're not asking the question. They want to talk and let everybody else know how much they know about the subject. Oh, for sure. You know what I mean? I'm like, just shut up. Whoever you're talking to is probably smarter than you. Let them answer the question.

Yeah. Well, especially the politics, like both sides. Anderson Cooper or like Don Lemon asked questions like a total kind. Oh, dude, that guy is a comment. Tucker does the same thing. Of course he is. Oh, so what you're telling me is, uh, you think that, uh, anybody who has that tone, I'm like, you're a piece of shit.

Yeah, you have, you are not in remotely. This guy could say anything and you would hate it. You know what I mean? Oh, but I will say as a journalist, you've got to do your best to be entertaining. So like, if you can add. Now for sure. Because that's what they're in. They're in the entertainment.

Yeah, essentially. Yeah. But it didn't used to be that way. No. It's all, everybody, it's, they've, it's now personalities as opposed to journalists. But I'm kind of on board with that. I used to love, like, those vice document, like, the personality of the journalist brought out the story.

Sure. You throw this nerd into, like, the middle of Iraq or something. That's fucking incredible. What's his name was like that? Hamilton Morris, who I love. He's the guy that would all do the weird, he's like the nerd that would do all the weird drug stuff. Okay. He was just, he was like a little glass.

right? Yeah. Oh, yeah, he was a wild guy. He was, but he was great because he was a very objective, like, journal.

Like, he's really... That's the goal. I agree with that, but I think if you can throw your personality to do it, that's the fucking, that's the golden. Oh,

the beauty of Charlemagne is like, he's, it's like the character. Because he's almost looking at you, like, trolling you while he's asking the question. Totally. Bro, have you seen that thing

with the MGK when he, MGK starts free. This is so good. Yes. Freestyling. Yeah. because he's the whole time he's like yeah

I just I think you're a cult like they say you're a culture vulture this than the other like I don't know I haven't the music and MGK is like man put on a beat like let me let me like wrap some shit for you so you like feel this and he like starts doing his MGK shit like I'm a blah blah blah blah uh and then

he just looks at him he goes nah that ain't it that ain't it that ain't it nah that oh my shit imagine pre-styling on the breakfast dude and then he starts like

And it starts, like, crying, basically. Jesus. Yeah, but she can kill you such a fucking pussy. Is he still with Megan Fox? Yeah, and he, like, tried to kill himself. What a bitch. Oh, wow, dude. I'm kidding.

But it is just, yeah, he did he really? Don't kill yourself. Yeah, do not kill yourself. It doesn't make you a bitch. Maybe if you're married to Megan Fox and you want to kill your... Fair. I just don't look. I understand suicide's very complex.

I've had a lot of close friends killed themselves. But I just, I don't understand hitting it from behind with Megan Fox. And you're just like... Oh, the breakup. But you know what? It's got to be a thing too, though, where you're like fucking like, if I'm not happy, fucking Megan Fox, then I will never be happy. So it's got to be like, it's going to be such a deep depression because if I'm ever depressed,

I'm like, oh, yeah, I live under a train and I have like negative $9 in my bank account. So like, it makes sense. But Machinao Kelly, you're like, oh, I'm multimillionaire, and I'm sad. So it's got to be like a new level of depression. Look at me. I totally switched. I was like, he's a pussy. Then I was like, actually, I'm thoughtful and I think differently.

Oh, wow. No, but you're still calling him a pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not changed. No, no, no, no. I just call them pussy. That is an interesting thought. That's why I think there's some two, like, child stars, because they hit it big early.

So they don't know the... Obviously, everyone's like, no, it's the limelight and the paparite. It's like, I... Sure, maybe a little bit. But really, to me, it's the fact that they're hitting it so high early on. They don't know the fucking bot. Comics are fucking dog shit pretty much forever. Forever.

Yeah. And that's why I feel like they generally... will enjoy, like, enjoy and know how to handle success more. Like, people that have to work for it. They'll be total sociopathic narcissists, but... They won't kill themselves generally if they make it. Yes, because they... Yeah, because if...

No stand-of-comedian has ever killed itself. Who... No stand-up comedians ever killed. We're that cowardly. Yeah, never. No, no, no. There's like a hundred. Oh, there's so many.

There's so many. Are there any big ones that really? Robin Williams. Freddie Prince. Freddie Prince. Can we edit this? I probably... Yeah, there's a ton.

Norm MacDonald. Yeah. Killed himself with cancer. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, that's... I have a bit about... You've heard the bit about that. Like, I had such a good childhood

that that's why... Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. People should feel bad for me because life fucking sucks now. Yeah. Damn. But it's all perspective, man.

I... It's about looking to the mirror and putting a good old smile on your face. You know? I write little gay letters to myself a lot. Do you? I know times are tough now, but just remembered this when you... Do you really?

You're doing your own It Gets Better campaign for yourself? It'll be cool to look back at one day. Are you homeless? Are you homeless? You're fucking serious. I'm dead serious. Oh, my God. Are you handwriting these?

Are you typing? I'm emailing it myself. There's an email. You've got a folder. Look, I said it was lame. That's great. That is the gayest thing I've ever heard. Dude, don't let him doggie, dude.

That's fucking cool. That's insane. You don't think it's cool? I'm not a cool guy. I mean, I get the opening. I appreciate the opening, but that's insane. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Yeah. No, it's dope. It's really lame. Can we read one? Oh, do, we should read one. Wait, on my phone's up there. God damn it. That's all right.

Well, you know what? Remind me. Okay. Comment on this episode. Do you ever get really like, you like get like manic? Like, dude, you're crushing it, Mike. No.

Oh, no, never. I mean, mentally I'll be like, oh yeah, yeah, sometimes, but then, yeah, yeah. Oh, dude, I haven't thought that in years. I would love to see a hyped up Mike good email to himself. No, I wouldn't do that. All caps. Oh, it's all, like, depressing. Yeah, it's only one's going bad.

I'm like, this'll get better, you know, just remember this? Read this back with things. Yeah. I told you it wasn't cool. Right. I'm not even done. That's how you have to do it, though. Because if not, what do you just, if you didn't have.

I'll have no perspective if things go well. Or if you didn't have some sort of that. that version of an attitude, you would either quit or kill yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you have to talk yourself into the idea that things will get better, even if you, like, know statistically that it's not going to happen. And I'll be like, this is when I thought I was going to be a comedian. Right.

I'll do it. I'm trying out new bits. I'm like, you fucking look. I don't know if you guys noticed, yeah, I don't know. I can't even do a future bit because I don't know what's going to be going on then. Yeah. If it doesn't work out and I, for whatever reason, stop doing stand-up, I'm never going to tell anybody in the new portion of my life

that I did stand up. Yeah, yeah. Because I don't want to look at me like that. I don't want them to look at me like that. Yeah, yeah. Because like every time, like you hear your thing, I was just like, that guy used to do stand up. And he was like, he was very vocal. Well, this is what you do. You just lie and you say the road was just tough on me. I mean, touring every single weekend. It's a young man's game.

I had to give up that lifestyle. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Just fucking four women a night. It was too much. You actually got to grow up. I think the complex comes when you actually really didn't do. it, if that makes sense. That's when you keep talking about it. Sure.

I was doing this. I was doing it. If you actually were fucking doing it and then nothing, you know what I mean? Right. What do you got to bring out? Like you already did it in your head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

We're all going to make it too different. Yeah, dude, we're going to be fucking fine. Absolutely. One of my favorite, I was listening to, I think it was Anthony Cheselmick said something on like your mom's house one time where when you start out, you think that everybody's going to make it. And you're like, oh, yeah, of course. all of my, me and my buddies, we're going to the top together.

He's like, then you get in some of these dudes cars and you're like, oh, you're not going fucking anywhere, man. Your life is in shambles, dude. You're not going to be able to put anything together. Yeah, yeah. That's true. That's what it is. That's why, yeah, who knows what'll happen?

I don't know. I'm trying to think of another alternate route in my life. I don't try to think about this. You don't want this part at all. Oh, yeah, no, dude, I can't. I try not to think any day past today. Yeah. Really? Yeah, pretty much.

I'm constantly stressing. I did have, there was a time. That's what happens. I'll, like, fucking get, uh, spiral. Existentially just. Yeah. In panic mode. Oh, I'll explore that completely.

I completely am like a real life. It's like a therapy thing. You're supposed to do exposure. I don't have routes like end career, but I do have, uh, locations. Yeah. I'm like, I could see myself at the very end being in Maine or Pittsburgh. Oh, dude, Maine rips. Oh, I'm kind of like that in Florida.

Like, there's a lake we grew up on or grew up by. Mm-hmm. And I just picture I got a mansion on there. And for some reason, mansion or your homeless. Yes, one or the year. There's no in between. Yeah.

Yeah. You want a mansion on that lake. Oh, so bad. Yeah, yeah. And I, especially because it's like a very family-oriented neighborhood. Uh-huh. Because Caratoppa lives on that lake. Oh.

So I want to be like that where I have a house in the lake that's like chaos. Sure. And like big party, stuff like that. But then. Uh, yeah. Somebody's learning at a walk next door. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. And they're like, that's just what he's going. He owns this. city. Sorry. He's allowed to do with it. Yeah, you're the auto industry of this little town.

It's just like, well, if Michael Good ever leaves, we're fucked. Yep, exactly. Yeah. I'm just fucking ripping on a jet skis all day. But then I like, yeah, I don't know. I think, uh, because I don't know, I had like a sick life for a while. Like my senior year at high school was like,

I could just take the boat out of my friends and just, you know, drink a bunch of beers out of the lake after school. And I was like, this is like the best life ever. And being able to do that and then do a set. Like, I would love. to be in a world where there's a comedy club in Orlando. There's not good. Sure. But I mean, there's one there, but like, one I could just kind of

like roll, you know, when you're just kind of rolling the door and then just kind of like, do a little drop and say that would be all, yeah. I'm wearing a fucking baby suit. Oh, you're like kind of an urban legend in Orlando. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the guy who lives by the lake. Do you want it to just, you want to just be famous in Orlando? Because there are guys like that.

I could be like Bob Marley. I could be like Bob Marley. Is there a Cincinnati equivalent? Nick Lechay? Maybe. Well, I guess he's kind of actually nationally famous. Yeah. No, there's like Bob Marley.

Bob Marley was from... Massachusetts. He's like a Massachusetts comic. Oh, I thought you were saying... Yeah, I was like... No, no, no, no. No, I don't know. I don't think so. Damn, so... Is for kind of like white people is the lake, the final

sort of... That's where you want to get. For me, yeah. Is that how you feel, too, like getting on a lake? No, I don't want a lake. mate well if I would love what do you want to I would love Maine

I would love Maine but I don't know I love the I'm a fucking I love the mountains I would love to live in like Colorado and like a big cabin type thing not like I could see that with you not like a

like a like I don't know like a wooden home it's huge I don't know yeah not even huge I don't even like you ever be in somebody

like super rich like their house and it's so big you're like this is all almost too much for me. Like, I wouldn't be able to take... What are we doing?

The only reason I don't want a big house is for parties. You know, what's kind of interesting in my head? My bad, my bed to pay you off. But walking around a big house is like annoying. Oh, yeah. I was like in a segue. But I was thinking with like with Indian people, I feel like this isn't me or all it,

but a lot. It is kind of about like shitting, not shit, but like showing off. We're going to say shitting on poor people than you. I was about shitting in the streets. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What brother's about to bring up the cab? system.

You should look up the richest family in India. The Ambani's. They have an apartment in Mumbai and it's like... $60,000 a year. I'm just kidding. 70.

But the building goes out like this and then it juts out. And it's just right over the slums. Whoa. That's so awesome, dude. Holy shit. That's like out of like a dystopian children's book.

Yeah. It's like a 10 million... Just clipping your name. nails over the railing. Right. That's insane, dude. And there's a, the slum is, I think it's called the Daravis slums, but it's, uh, one million people.

Dude, this is, this is a square mile. This is mad max. Bro, just, just a fucking, you just got a fucking, uh, what do you call it? A fishing pole, fishing pole with $100 on it. You just kind of go down there and, oh, not today. That's hilarious. That's crazy, dude. Damn, dude.

And that's the way they want to be, you know? That's wild. Why can't you just say that's what you want to kill? You're like, this is not me. No, I mean, genuine. I'm like, I'm like. There are some like that, but... Do you know why?

How do they make... I don't have any of that in it. How do they make their money? I think they just were like... Because India doesn't have any oil. No. You make your money with like... You have like government contracts or you got in with telecommunication or like shit

like that. You had like an old biz textiles. Right, right. You know, when the British left, these were the people that had like hold of certain industries. Right. Got a couple buildings where people

are running a bunch of credit card scams. Yeah. Making that thing. Yeah. Yeah. I could go on it, but, you know.

Of course. We don't, yeah. Yeah. I got a picture, this is kind of like my ideal situation. So I got like a beach house,

this beach called New Summerna Beach in Florida. That's like my beach town. Also, I want to be rich enough that my friends can steal for me and it doesn't really, I don't care.

Like, it'd be one of the things I'm like, oh, you probably need it more than I do. I don't really care. I mean, nice to have that much money that some, like,

you don't have to worry about people like fucking over because you go. Wait, what do you mean steal? Like physically steal? Or like, you gave them up to money and they never returned it or something like that. Maybe like a little both if they're like, you know, like they're just like, if they're in a tough spot, they steal money from me in some way or another. And I'm like, you probably need it more than I do. And I have enough money comfortably that doesn't bother me that they stole because I'm like that.

They're probably some desperation thing. They got some issue going on. But probably that. some beach house, an Orlando Lakehouse, and then a fucking, uh, on McDougall Street, a fucking, what do you call it? Like, one of those fucking sick.

Big apartments? Yeah. Like a townhouse or something? Yes, there's one you, if you walked out, not McDougal. What's that one street? Like, um, Thompson maybe. They got those, like, little, like, those sweet townhouses. Really? You would want to live that close? Like in Greenwich Village? Yeah, so I could just pop it and do a couple sets and, yeah. I think the swaggy thing to do, like, if you're really

kind of about it is to drive in. from Jersey. I guess. And then also like maybe like a base on the moon, but like anything else. Just, I mean, I don't. Don't ask for much. But there's a comedy club up there too.

And I'm just like, in like a space mask. Yeah. Yeah, I would love, I mean, the goal that I've said for a long is like I would love to get much better at stand up here, get in everywhere,

have a career and then move to like a B comedy city. Like honestly, like Columbus or Cincinnati or Denver or something like that. Yeah, yeah. And like have a club, be able to go do shows but also have a home

with a family and whatnot. Well, you know it's a sick move, the fucking residency shit. That's another idea. Like in Vegas or whatever. Or Vegas or Caratop or Tosh, where like literally they're just like, they can just do the road, but it's just the theater that people, like, give a revolving audience.

Yeah. You can just do a theater show every night you can just do an hour of comedy and people just pay you. I think, Seinfeld has had something like that at the beacon for like years. That's so sick. Once a month like on a Friday or something, he like, it's just, that's Jerry, Jerry's day.

Yeah. Like that's sick. See, I kind of wanted more of a, like a tale, like a sort of a story. Yeah, there's got to be a downfall. Like just, yeah, like, you know, maybe I had a, I'm not big into like spending shit. So, like, I was doing, I was doing good. They're like, you know, like, and then, you know, I got married. to the wrong woman

and she took and then I was on the street like just ups and ebbs and flows and I just end up on a rocky rocky beach in Maine and just and that's when I put my hand out there and I say how would you like to do the

Michael good how'd you like to open for me to kill and then McKeel takes your coat and you're like he probably needs it more than me my favorite's the Ron White story you know that would no he fucking fucked he was like he was like nuts

apparently he would just like drink so much do like crazy amounts of drugs. Like, Ralphie Mae was talking about me. He was like, he would do all the pills and fuck all the women and do all this stuff. So he was like a fucking like serious drug user and fuck like every girl he could physically with consent hopefully. But he fucked this comedy club waitress who was like fat as shit and the next day he got on stage. He's like, I fucking fuck that fat bitch on stage. And then she got promoted to

like manager or the booker of all of the comedy clubs in that area. Whoa. So he got like iced out of standup. Basically, because he was running the Texas circuit. And he wasn't big enough really to, like, get headlining gigs in, like, other places. So he was, like, living in Texas. No, no, Mexico. What are you going on about? One joke just took him out.

Yeah. That's hilarious. Isn't that so funny? You say fat women will kind of want to hear that they were getting fucked in. I don't know. I guess he called her a fat bitch. Yeah. I wasn't there.

Maybe he, like, kick in the face. Yeah. Oh, I will defend this because someone got very mad that I said I fuck some fat bitch on a balcony and she got very upset about that. Was it her? Yeah. Wait, what? I was on a podcast one time and I was like, yeah, I fucked some fat check on a balcony.

It was a great time. And then I was very nice lady, all that stuff. And she knows she's fat because she's fat. Like, she just is fat. It's fine. I like fat chicks. Yeah. And then later on, I'm like, yeah, I will always be fucking fat bitches on balconies or something like that.

Like I just don't think that's. And then she fucking, boom, got really mad at me. Because like, she listened to the pod. Well, because your face time one time. And she's like, oh my God, if you're talking about a podcast? I'm like, yeah, for sure, yeah, I didn't think it was... Oh, wait, okay, that's not you. I thought you could keep it, but yeah, who wants to be called a fat bitch on a balcony?

I don't know, dude. What? I just, wait a minute, what are you acting like? You're brand new or something? Just to me, I'm like... What are you mean? Yeah, am I wrong? That's insane.

You thought that was like... What is she upset about? If I'm like a banged some tall bitch or some short bitch or like, like, I think it's... What? Dude. Okay, so if you... She's like trying to be romantic. You should be talking about me on the pod?

Like, he's like, yeah, of course. She's like, yeah, check out the timestamp. So I was fagging, fucking this fat chick on a balcony. She got mad, he's like, what's this bitch's problem? The balcony was a little wobbly, if you know what I was saying? I mean, the sentence I, like fucking fat bitches on balconies is a better sentence than I, I had sex with a thick woman on a balcony. You don't know what I was like? And I, yeah, you know, I get her saying that, but like, I know the way I fluffed it.

And I was for sure, like, lovely lady had a great time. It was awesome. Yeah. Damn. So you had this conversation where you were like, hey, or she was like, hey, do you talk about me on the podcast? And you were like, yeah. And then she went back and did homework and came back to you and was upset. Yeah, like, livid, like, you'd never talk to me again.

She never, you never, you never said her name, obviously. No. And I was like, hey, look, like, I think your curves would make you sexy. And, uh, I use bitch. I don't know. It's a fun word. And I'm like, I, you know, there's another wrong of that. I mean, she got big old titties too. And yeah, yeah.

And boy, did that not get any response at all. But it's like, this is fucking, look, buddy, it's like, I'm a fucking soldier, dude. You step in the line of my fire. Some people can get hurt, dude. You get close to me, dog, while I'm firing off fucking rifts, dude. Dude, this is like your 12th profession of this podcast. You've been a philosopher. You're a soldier, dude.

I'm a joke soldier, dude. Just save in the world. Just give me some civilian casualties. The image of you having sex with this woman on a balcony while at the same time thinking in your head like, I'm a fucking. I'm on the front line. That's hilarious. Hucking up his podcast equipment on the balcony. Come on, listen.

You want to listen to? The tactical? Oh, my God. Yeah. That's hilarious. But as I said, there's going to be some civilian casualties when I'm fucking out here. Damn. Being a patriot. These colors don't run, baby.

Exactly. But yeah, no, I get where she's coming from. But I'm also like, that was the funniest sentence to say there. I didn't say it by name. Yeah. Yeah, who cares? I mean, I felt bad. I don't feel good about it.

But it's like, I've had to deal with a situation a thousand times where somebody's like, since I was a little kid, dude, it's like some shit where like, I've tried to do something funny. And then everybody's like, that's terrible. You're a bad person. And I'm like, now I'm just trying to be funny. And it's like, I think you should know me enough to, like, get that. Again, you still being, like, offended by it. If she was, like, kind of fat, I would get it, but she's like a fat.

Like, it's like, yeah. But not make it any better. No, no, no, no. Don't short-selling. This woman was enormous. But it's fucking, I don't know, she got big teeth. I think she's really hot. But I like fat women.

It's like, it's just what it is. I love the idea of you just, like, everything, everything you say. to describe her more is just worse and worse. Yeah, also you're trying to get her to buy into your fucked up world. You're like, yeah, I shouldn't have told her. I was like, yeah, I shouldn't have told her about him. He was like, yeah, I called you a fat bitch, but like I like it. Nobody else does.

I was ass-fucking this whale on the balcony. I don't know why she didn't like. I like whales. Whales are great. Save the whales. Society doesn't. Society doesn't. I mean, dude, I told me, I had a, not, I had a, like this, I hooked up with this comic one time and

it ended weird. We got to wrap up like now. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm so sorry. We're so running out of time. I have to do something immediately. How fast can you wrap it up? Yeah, it doesn't.

It's okay. Hell yeah. No, I was, I was, all I was, she did a bit about me. I knew it was about me. Yeah. I was like, I hurt your feelings.

That's great. This wobble a little ass to you coming here. Damn, you're indie I forgot your indie for a second. Good for me.

Yeah. I didn't even see color. It's like when you're doing a roast battle and somebody like get you with like a good one and like you got to stand there and be like

ha ha ha ha ha ha. But in your head you're like that really actually hurt my feelings. I hadn't thought about that insecurity. Oh we got to just where can they find you guys

Instagrams? Matt Pome and comedy. Um, Nick Kilmetha on Instagram. Perfect. Thank you guys. Appreciate it. Bye.