Morning Good - Just a Couple Scoops - Episode 81

Episode Date: May 18, 2022

Thanks to Espi and Graham for coming on, being funny and changing the pace up with a light hearted non-offensive episode. Make sure to check them both out as well as the shows they host in NYC. Espi is on IG @espirivadeneira and Graham is as well @grahamcomedy. Also make sure to check out @switchhitterscomedy and Monday Night Comedy.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichael.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax .

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. We are starting. We're here with the morning good podcast. I know. I do have that much energy today. By the way, we're here with Graham Cooper and S. Rividenara?

What's up? Every time I... You say it right. Okay. Because people are always like, oh, I'm saying the wrong and... It's not that hard. No, it's not that hard.

It's not that hard. I brought up the wrong comic hosting the other day just because I didn't know how to pronounce the person's name. Like, I saw somebody else in the room who was also in the lineup and I was like, I'm gonna pretend I mixed them up just because I forgot his person's name. Oh my God. I told the host was like, I'm so sorry I mixed him up. But entirely, I literally was just like, all right, we got an easy name right here.

I'm gonna just like... It's hilarious. You just ask someone in the audience, like, what's your name? like Jeff, you're like, Jeff's coming up. Everybody. That's easy. It's child. Like, I feel like complicated names are easier to remember, like, their first name. But like, as far as like, once it comes to pronouncing it, especially if it's the first comic of the lineup, because you got to do like 10 minutes of jokes and then be like, all right,

what the fuck is this person? I know. I hate that. I always get so nervous. Especially when I first started hosting. I was like, oh my God, it feels like so much to remember. Yeah. And then they're like, can you say this about me?

And I'm like, no. Yeah. My favorite one was somebody was Charles Barkley's comedy. cook out. I'm like, that's a fun one. That's a great credit. That's an insane credit. Yeah. I do the dumb thing. We're like, you've seen this person on serious XM. They're like, how do we see the radio? Oh, I never know what to say because I don't know what that. Yeah, I've done that. You've heard them on serious XM. Yeah. I mean, you have a rate. They're like, say serious XM. Can you tell me exactly what to say? Because I'm freaking out.

I almost never remember their credit. If I remember their name, that's, I'm satisfied with that. Yeah. Yeah. I'll just go clubs and colleges all over. Oh, yeah. You know. What's his name? People like to do a weird one. Like you've seen him on Johnny Carson or something like that. Like, no, you haven't. Yeah.

Also, it's like, you haven't seen me or heard of me anywhere. Like, there's no way. Have you ever, like, really forgotten a name? What's up? If you were, like, totally blanked on someone's name when you are hosting? Yeah, I've done that before.

And then I'll just sort of, like, scream off the mic. I'm like, give it up, or you've seen him on. And, like, Andrew. Yeah. Just beg me. Give over. I did it.

That's the right way to do that. I've been at show sometime, one time a host forgot my name. and he just stood on the stage. He's like, that's a bad book. It looks bad. Can you just remind me your name?

I was like, everyone can see me and hear our conversation. This just bring me up as nothing. It also doesn't look good if they're like, he's hilarious, he's a dear friend,

and then they forget your name. I'm like, this just looks unprofessional. This dude is my best friend. Were you there when I fucked up the godmike, like horribly? No. That was such a bad thing.

I had to godmike for Jake Timothy's show, and I don't know why I got nervous. Because, like, we're on stage every day, but I was like, I, like, freaked out because I didn't know what to say. He's like, can you just do this? And I literally started laughing. Like, he was like, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. And I was like, oh, okay, then I brought up. The audience is just terrified at the beginning of the show.

It's happening. And Joe said, Robert was hosting. He literally went up and was like, what the fuck? You turn off the lights and then loud laughter just happens at you? Yeah, that's pretty scary. It was bad. I was so, like, I can't believe. I got so nervous.

I don't know why. I didn't know what to say. You're on the line up too. It's printed right there. See, that's better. At least you weren't on the lineup, but you didn't have to go up like right afterwards. It's printed on the wall.

But it doesn't say like, it's like old. It's like silence your cell phones. And then it didn't say anything about bringing up the host. And I just like panicked. I'm like, I need to know exactly what to say. I'm also bad at reading. So like I literally,

if there's something I have to read, I'm so much better reading at once and saying, okay, this is the gist of what I'm supposed to say compared to like reading because I just get all caught up like, guys, thank you for coming out tonight. Like, I feel like I'll say it's such a weird way. I did it the other day.

You seem like a reader. I feel like you're that kid that, like, read so many Harry Potter books. No, I didn't read at all. Really? I read a lot. I barely just started reading. Like, I've been reading the same very short book for like two years. What book is it?

I think it's called The Curse of Bigness. It's a book about antitrust. What is antitrust? Law is meant to like a, essentially break up big companies that are abusive, like big monopolies. I would steal or railroads are like big tech. Yeah, I'm already, I'm out. Yeah, exactly.

I'll read the first paragraph of that book and be like, there's no chance I will ever finish this book in my life. I try to like get through because sometimes I wonder if social media is making us bad at reading because it's like everything's so short. But I'm just like, you know what, if I have to reread this over and over again, like I'll get through a book like that slowly. Unless it's like a, I do like.

like fiction and stuff, but I never have time to read it. I like fiction whenever I find a book I enjoy, but I just, I never do it. Like, I, I think the last one I read was The Road, and I read that, like, in the first two weeks of the lockdown, like, two years ago, and I haven't read another book. That was a good time to read. I read comic books, because I'm a child. I love comic books. It's fun.

It's colorful. I'm like, oh, look at these people fighting each other. It's exciting. It's so dramatic, too. Oh, yeah, yeah. I like really violent ones where it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. but uh... I love comic books

They're so expensive Yeah they are Are they like a nickel? What do you mean? No No graphic novel It's like it's like 40 dollars

For some of them Yeah Yeah because I mean like You get like Watchman That book's like that big I love that I guess I don't know What like modern

I need to go to the library Yeah I haven't been in like years Or actually I went With Ryan Thomas And we just wrote In the huge one Yeah

It was amazing Midtown Yeah That's nice That one's so cool Yeah, I got to go to something like that too Because I don't know, I recently like I did the best thing I've ever done my life today

I left my phone at my house for an hour And just walked around I was like oh my God I don't hate everything That's cool A comic was telling me he does that He was like Because I was like What do you do to not be depressed

Because he said and he was like I go for a walk first thing 20 minutes every day before anything I don't even look at my phone I just walk 20 minutes And then I come back And then like start writing And try to just avoid the phone

Like the longer he can can avoid it in the morning. It's like the better. Oh, it's crazy. How do you wake up? That's my alarm. I just... Oh, well, I don't have a job.

Yeah, I don't have a job right now either. So it's perfect for me. Yeah, for me. I just roll out. Oh, by the way, they don't even know that I got fired. I don't like work early, but if I don't set an alarm, I'm not waking up till like 4 p.m. Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah, I guess, yeah, I do sit an alarm. Really? But you could also... I wake up at like 9 or 10. That's crazy. But just on your own? Yeah. When do you go to bed?

Last night I went to bed at like three and I woke up at nine. That's not enough sleep. Well, I normally I feel like seven to ten is what I usually get. And last night I just happened to go to bed late. And then at nine I woke up and I felt fine. Six is okay, but not all the time. Most of the time I get seven to nine hours of sleep. I need at least like eight and a half or nine.

That is great. Are you like a child? That is so much time. You were the one just a moment's ago and like, I don't read well. I just look at pictures. Yeah, it is. fair. Sorry, I need a little more sleep. That's crazy to me, though, that I can't just sleep to like four.

I do just wake up. Because 10, and then sometimes 11 or 12, depend, like, if I've been barking every night, like, late, then I wake up. I'm, like, unrestricted and I need to, especially if, like, I haven't slept well, like, the night before, like, I'll just go for, like, 12 hours easy. That's a long time. It's great. I don't think I've slept for, I mean, it is probably great. You're probably happier and stuff. No. No. Sometimes you can oversleep, too. You can definitely, overdo it. And then you're not happy. Especially if you're like sleeping a lot during the day, I feel like... That's bad. It's not great. And for whatever reason, I just, you always have like crazy

dream. At least I do. It's just like the most vivid crazy dreams. Well, the longer you sleep, the more you remember it. So I'm sure I have nuts dreams every night. But if I, the longer I sleep, I can remember. I'm like, oh, I was like murdering my dad so that I could like save. Is that a real dream? What's up? You ever died in a dream? Yeah, yeah. And I just wake up in a different dream. Yeah, and I just wake up. Yeah, it's like conception. Or I wake up. I kill myself in dreams. not out of like depression. That would be so sad if in your dreams

you're just hanging yourself. And then you wake up. Yeah, you're like, ah, god damn it. But like, I'll be like... You're like, what does that mean, though? What's the message? You want to kill yourself?

But I'll do it to like get out of the dreams. Like, there'll be like a monster chasing me. And you know it's a dream? Yeah, so I jump out of a window or bang my head against the ground. Interesting. Yeah, and then I wake up in a different dream. I'll be like an Antarctic.

How shitty would that be if like life went insane and there was like a giant, like... Oh, and then I just kill myself for nobody. He's like, no, don't bang your head against ground. I'm like, I'm getting out of this. I'm snapping out. Like, Michael, no, no, this is real. This is.

There is actual boss. We don't know how. Yeah, somehow this is. Yeah, I get weird ones like that, but then I'll snap into a different dream. But that's always the best. That's wild. Sometimes something will be so bad in a dream that I'm like, all right, well, this can't be real life because there's no way all my family just got shot by ninjas. I do that.

Sometimes where I'd be like, this is a dream. And I know it's a dream, but I don't make the final step to be like, oh, I'm in a dream. Like, you know what I'm in a dream. And I know I can get out of it Because I just sort of switch the scene You see I haven't made that bridge yet I can't quite switch the scene But I know what you mean

But the hardest the ones you can't Like quite like I have somewhere banging my head against the ground I'm not waking up and I'm like shit This has to be a violent way to try to wake yourself up You have to do something crazy though Yeah I remember Have you guys ever had this where your alarm is going off And you hear I can like ignore it

Oh really? I can't do that Yeah I can just keep ignoring it And then it's like part of the dream Where it's like there's like an earthquake or something that's like dirt, dirt. I do have that. For sure. But I have it with songs sometimes, too.

Like, I used to have wake up songs, which makes you end up hating songs. Like, you think you'll, like, love, you'll, be my favorite song. Oh, I can't listen to the XX anymore because, like, they wake up. It just used to, like, a bunch of their songs used to be my alarms. And I just, I'm like, I can't go near that anymore. Yeah, you have that fucking association with it. But I'd have a word to enter my dreams. I had a dream.

My dad used to turn the lights in the morning. And you go, fire alarm. Get out of bed, guys. Get out of bed. Get out of bed. Woo. Woo. and I used to have dreams that I was there was like a fire going on always.

Yeah, because that's crazy. Yeah, I don't know. My parents would just yell at me. They'd be like, get up. It's like the first episode of The Simpsons. It just runs in and it's like it's World War III. You got to get out of bed. Do you remember that?

Oh, no. You never saw it was the first ever episode. I never really watched the Simpsons, but everybody was like, you would love it. You would love it. Yeah, people say it's great. I also like I, before bed, I watch cartoons. Like, that's how I kind of fall asleep. I love cartoons.

So forgive me if I sleep in a little. I don't read comic books. Cartesian watch cartoons before I go to bed. I also said ice cream before you got here. That's why I said alarms. That's so late. I knew I had to be here today. I woke up at 10.30.

Okay. What time did you go to bed? Two. That's a lot of sleep. Yeah. That's not enough. Wait. Two to ten, eight and a half hours?

Oh my God, Graham. You're supposed to get eight and a half is extra. You're 22. Actually, that might be, I think when you're like early 20s, you are supposed to be sleeping a lot. I didn't sleep at all my early 20s. I used to do. And look at you, you know? That's a good point.

You can't read. Yeah. I had ice cream an hour ago. Like, for like a random meal. You can't. Yeah, dude,

I can't have, I used to be so out of control my life, but I'm like, I refuse to eat sugar. Like, because I was walking by Dunk and donuts and people are just like eating donuts. I'm like,

I can't do that. Like, I have to have like, if I eat in the morning, because sometimes I just don't, I'll have coffee. It'll be like oatmeal or toast or something. I can't have sugar.

or else you cry out. You probably feel bad. I feel great right now. But I'm also like, I don't know. Just a pint of ice cream for breakfast. Just a couple scoops. Sorry, a couple spoons. Okay.

It's just a couple of scoops. You went to like Van Lewin. You're like, can I get a cone with three scoops? Dude, I would feel like shit, even if it was like a few spoon. I love it. But also, I realized like this is like. Can't do it. I think I have like a binge eating dish.

I hate to be like one of those people like, I have a this and they're there. But it's like, I do have this thing where I'm realizing I'm like I eat food because I don't have to think about stuff when a meeting. It's great, right? Which is sad. Damn. No, that's, yeah, that's the best part. Literally, until I put my phone down today, I'm like, oh, I've been running from my

thoughts for years. The second I'm just sitting in the park looking at a tree and I was like, I haven't done this. I've just been go, go, go forever. It's like, I wake up and like, that's what I invited Kinback over for coffee. He was like, people don't just sit and talk. And I was like, I need to do it. I'll go, I'm so, I feel like lucky that I'm very in touch.

But it's because it's funny. was such a bad alcoholic where I was like desperately running for my feelings. Like people don't recognize me from like years ago. They're like it's crazy. Like how long you're so different? Six years. Oh shit. Over six and a half years probably.

So it's just like now I'm so in touch. But yeah, he was like yeah, this is crazy. He's like people kind of like they just like do podcasts and stuff. Yeah. Oh yeah. And even then it's like it's so go. It's like I'm normally like I, it was so funny because I didn't bring my phone with me. And I had to ask people what time it was.

And people looked at me like I said, can I have. fuck your mom's mouth. Like literally, I'll be like, hey, do you know what time it is? People are like, I don't know, man. I can't read the son. What are you talking about?

That's like a scam thing. My dad was like, don't ever give anyone the time. Yeah. Your dad also sounds like he's always just like, your dad is just so paranoid about anything. If a mailman comes to your door and tries to give you an envelope, it's a crime. That's a murder.

But, but I get what you're saying because there is always like, it's always like a homeless guy's like, hey man, can have the time? And I'm like, oh, it's 215. He's like, yeah, that's cool. also like man I'm just coming out of here from out of town and you're like

oh this is gonna be a thing someone tried to do that to me yesterday of just my wallet I lost my wallet in the back of a cab do you have any cash shake about no dude that happened to me oh I didn't mean to cut you off somebody at the pair this guy he bought a ticket

but then he was like do you have 50 bucks I can borrow I'll be right back and I was like no I'll be right back I let somebody $50 for Coke the other night and I was like that's crazy I don't know because they were like Did they give it back? Yeah they Venmoed me forth. They're kind of cash for Vemmo. I was like, are you going to do coke?

And they're like, yeah, and I was like, yeah, I mean, I don't. Okay, well, if they had you right away. I had too much cash on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought it was, like a stranger at the bar, and the yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was, um, oh, the wallet thing was so far, yeah, yeah, it was, um, oh, the walled thing was, that, it was not my favorite thing, but, like, I was working this reception job that I hated, I would just take Adderall in the morning, drink, just so I could get up, because I was doing good night, I chose every night, wasn't sleeping. And then on my lunch break, I'm wearing this, like, tie, I'm just sweaty. And it's like the middle of summer.

Just look like the Hulk. Literally, I'm just, my traps or some reason out like this. And this guy asked me, he's like, hey, ma'am, I just, I literally, my car got towed with my phone and my wallet in it. Is there any chance I had money? And this is why I said, don't I go. I'm going to give you $20. But if you're lying to me, just know you're a huge piece of shit, which is so petty.

And then I gave it to him. I just know you're a piece of shit. And I turned around the corner. I see him, hey, man, can I have $20 somebody else? And I just look at him at eye contact and he, like, spazes and just, like, runs away. Of course, it was a fucking scam. And it was so funny that I'm just like, how did he, how dare he scam me? But I feel like people like that don't care.

As I get older, I'm like, people don't care that, like, do shit like that. Oh, of course. Because you're, like, so angry because I would get so upset because I'm like, how could you do that? And then as I get older, I'm like, oh, you can't care because people don't give a fuck. You just have to, like, watch out for yourself. Also, how am I like, how dare he trick a guy he's never met in his life? You know what I mean? I'm like, he betrayed.

It is, but I'm not like a friend of his. So it's like, why. Like, it's scary. You're not being betrayed, you know? I got like hacked and I was like, why would you do this to people? Yeah. I just was like. For money.

But it's fucked up. I wouldn't do that. Sure, but you need money sometimes. People just justify slowly and slow. I think it's like a slow justification thing to the point where it's like, it starts out like, oh, this. Actually, I don't know. I don't know how anything works.

Starts out with SB stealing from CVS and hopping a turnstile every night and again. That's what happens now and. But that's all I do. Using the cheap city bikes, you know, she's just... Cheap city bikes are legal. Next thing you know, she's going to be asking people for the time in a park. Taking their watches. That was the craziest thing, too, is because a homeless guy asked me for money.

And I was like, oh, I don't have any. I was like, I literally went, actually, I don't even have my wallet on me. But I said it in such a cheerful way that he was probably like, fuck you. But it was just funny to be like, oh, I actually literally do not have any money on. This is the one time I'm not lying directly to your face. The worst when you're barking, you ever put like $40? And you're while, I'm sorry, man, I have nothing. You're not even like intentionally.

Dude, they always, I hate when they like run over. That happened the other day, this guy was like trying to pay me. And he was like, hey, guys. And I was like, do you have Venmo? Let's just Venmo. And then I was like, just put it away. Because they get so crazy when they see the cash. They're like, hey, you can't help me out.

And you're like, nope. Yeah, yeah. Because it's helping. No, it's also it's not my money to give you right now, you know? Yeah. It's also annoying because I'm like, I feel like I've thought about this before where in New York City, I'm like, I feel like anybody could be on the verge of being broke at all times. Like, the city's so brutal where I'm like, I need, this is for my rent.

Yeah, yeah, that's where I'm at too. So I'm not like you. Yeah, this is going directly towards. And I also get frustrated too because it's like, I feel like you're good at barking and like I'm good at barking. I'm like, have a skill that you're like, I know I'm like, probably sound so ignorant, but I get so pissed with the homeless where I'm like, I always think of like, what would I do if I was homeless? And I have all these plans because I'm a psycho.

And I'm like, I would do this. I'll swim the Hudson and raise money for my rent. I picture myself homeless like probably five times a day. It's insane. I do that a lot. I always, whenever I see a homeless person, I'm like, if that were me, like, what would I do? I, like, I get that of like people in the city. So many people we know, especially economics have just being like, no, I need this money.

But then I see all the time, like a bunch of like NYU kids are just like rich assholes being like, I got no money, man. I'm in the same boat as you. It's like, no, you're not. Yeah, I hear that all the time. No, you are not. Well, it's funny because I did have no money in college. Like, my parents had helped me out a little, but it's so funny because I used to survive off $100 a week.

It was crazy that I would do it. Like, I'd be like, $100. It's giving me a great weekend. And it all went to blow. Yeah. It was so crazy. Like, because I used to eat dollars to our food all the time. Like, it would be so easy.

You just cut a hot dogs, put in like a 14. This is why you're sad. Yeah, because I never slept in your 20s. And I'm like, I literally did not sleep. Like, I literally would probably get like, I mean, probably more than my 20th because I was put on Adderol and amphetamines, when I was like fucking 10. That's awful.

Yeah, so I just wouldn't sleep for years. But then I was like, yeah, sleeping's overrored. But I was like, sleeping's overrated. I don't know if it's, I don't know. It's so funny because my brother's like,

six, two, and I'm like, five, ten. And I'm like, oh, this is obviously, you said Steve Harvey? You sound like Steve Harvey, man.

He's always raging against sleep. He's like, you gotta wake up at work. I hate what people do that because I feel like I'm so much more productive. I used to try. I was like,

I'm going to wake up really early. Like, I was going to, like eight or nine every day. And then I'm like, been setting an alarm or I haven't been now, but I feel like I'm more productive because I'm like,

I sleep and then I get up and right when I get up, sleep is the most important thing like to health. To an extent, also everybody has such a different process. You know what I mean? It's like Martin Scoressezi,

I'm pretty sure he used to do a bunch of Coke and write movies. That would not work for most. But everybody has- I would die. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like everybody has a different brain chemistry

because some people are like, what I do is I smoke a join in the morning and then I drink a cup of coffee. And then I'm like, For some people, that would be the worst day ever. Some people don't even fuck with coffee. But I'm like, I need like multiple shots of espresso. I just hate coffee.

I hate the taste of it. That's fucked up. I'm sure I would like the effects of caffeine. I just punch him in the face. Someone's had too much coffee. You don't do coffee at all? I can't do it. It's just gross.

That's insane. It just tastes bad. I love coffee. Do you drink caffeine at all? I, uh, sometimes, but not definitely not on any regular basis. I literally don't feel like a person. Like, I feel like hungover if I don't drink. Like my brain's, do you drink coffee every day?

Yeah, yeah. I can't, like, focus. But I also, like, I've gone down a bunch. That's why I sleep a lot. I just get it that way. That's probably why he does sleep. Yeah, that's a good point. If you do drink coffee?

Because also, it disrupts me. I'm just fucking tired all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, how do you, like, right, though? Because for me, it's like, I could do regular things. So I don't drink coffee. I go hang out with Martin Scorsese and we do a lot of blood. Yeah, yeah.

I've never done cocaine. It's overrated, I think, completely. It's never, like, interested me. Well, the problem. look that good. People who do it look crazy. Yes. You look crazy. I know a lot of people who just their lives are shattered

because of it. It's so funny. I don't want to do that. I don't know a single person whose Coke life is around. I know so many Coke heads. Never even taking them off the path slightly. It's weird. I don't know. Really? For me, all the people that ruin their lives, it's like Xanax, alcohol, downers. But all the Coke people,

maybe this happens in like three years from now. That's probably what's going to happen. But give it some time. I'm sure it'll catch up. But it's just funny because I think the thing with Coke is like it's such a party drug, but it also takes away from the party. So it's like people will go do Coke in the bathroom and then they're not even enjoying like dancing. You know what I mean? It's like the thing is I always tell my friends, if you're going to do cocaine, buy it before you go out. Because you're going to end up leaving at like 4 a.m.

to go to some random guy's apartment. And you're just going to ruin the whole evening. So just realize you're a piece of shit. That's also why it's sketchy. I'm like, I don't want to. I always thought I always was like creeped out to and I see a bunch of people like come out of the bathroom like hype. See, that's the hard part is I miss that part of it. I like the exclusivity.

I like the cool guy club where you're in the bathroom and you're like, it's scary. It depends where it is. Because if it's at like the pair, you're also a woman, so it's different. You're like, why would I be in the bathroom with five guys?

For me, I'm like, it's the boys. We're talking about stuff. I see people. But even girls, too. I don't know. I think maybe because I have a feel,

I'm like, I would be so out of control with it. Like when I was drinking, I was so out of control drinking. Or I'm like that for me, I would be on the streets, I feel like. Well, that's the Ropart 2 is it lasts like 20 minutes.

so you're just going to end up doing it for like four hours because it's like you're going to be... What does it feel like? It's just stimulate. I don't know. I don't think it's... Have you taken an Adderall or anything? No. Well, it's not even like that. I don't know why you could.

I mean... Do you know, it's nothing like that? Don't, I don't know why we brought it up. I don't know. Your face gets kind of numb if it's good. And then... If it's good? It sounds awful.

You just do Novakane? What are you doing? Yeah, well, then you cut it with baby laxatives because it makes you shit. There's like a weird... There's all kinds of stuff. They'll cut it with lydicane, which is a... Drywall?

Yeah, there's all kinds of weird. They're very creative with it. They're just anything white. What does it mean to cut it with something? So, like, because pure cocaine's expensive, they'll put other things in it so that, like... You can just, like, sell more of it because it's diluted with other, just various white powders.

Yeah, like half a gram of Coke with a gram of something really cheap. It looks like a gram and a half of coke. Baking powder, you know, drywall. Yeah, stuff like... They do cut it with dental stuff, like, what it's called, like, lytocane, which is like a numbing thing. Because some people would be like, oh, this is great Coke. My mouth is numb, but they're really just putting

like Novacane in their mouth, basically. Have you ever had pure cocaine? I mean, as far as I know, yes, but you don't really know. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like, there's some shit I got in Florida a couple times where it's like, it'll really be like a rock that looks like it's made out of chalk or like it looked like a piece of armpid deodorant. So you're like, oh, this is, I assume somewhat pure. But it's like nowhere near it's 100% sure.

But I don't even do it in New York. I'm sure it's good up here too, but I don't know. Isn't it being cut with fentanyal, Washington? Yeah, yeah. I mean, everything is, though. The shamrock shake, the McGrittle. It's all cut with that now. I've never had the shamrock shake.

That's the dollar menu at McDonald's now. Yeah. It's all cut with that. Yeah, it is cheap. The coffee at McDonald's is pretty good. I like me. I like everything at McDonald's. It is.

Really? Dude, I used to love the nugs when I was eating meat. Oh, those are good. Dude, chicken nugs. I haven't had McDonald's in probably like 10 plus years. I probably had the fries like a year ago. I remember I was at Sour Mouse and next door. But I haven't had like the burgers would make me feel like sick.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. Well, you got to mix it up with the buries. Somebody told me this hint, you got to ask for stuff differently on the burger or else they'll just have a bunch of pre-made ones, basically. Yeah, that's how fast food works. They've already made it.

Yeah, but I mean, like, if you say, like, if you have a very specific order, they'll, like, recook the burger because they can't put, like, may, they can't put, like, ketchup and, like, man. You know what I mean? Like, as far as, like, mustard, they already have, like, a burger with mustard on. Or just don't go to McDonald's, you know? You're, like, you're like, we could just order a little. You know what's be easier for, better for me?

if I make someone who makes less than minimum wage, remake my entire meal. Yeah, yeah, basically, yeah, yeah. Taco Bell is big. Taco Bell is gross. I love Taco Bell, dude. I had it only for the first time last year. I think me, you have garbage taste in food and stuff.

Like, I love Taco Bell's so good. Taco Bell's so good. That it's one time. Taco, it's also a different thing. I hate people are like, well, it's not good Mexican food. I'm like, it's a different thing. Papa John's is different than Italian pizza and Taco Bell. It's not trying to be Mexican food.

It's not trying to be like that real authentic. Maybe I'll get Taco Bell to. I fucking love it. Which is why I respected. It's trying to be itself. It's like, yeah, technically we're Mexican, but we're different. You know what I mean? It's kind of like that.

We're trash. Exactly. Dude, I love trash. Oh, and the sour cream gun. What a great way to put sour cream. That's amazing. The sour cream gun? Yes, it's like a little, like, you know when you cock the walls, you have like that little guys?

It's like that, but they just put it in your tacos. The cheesy Gordona crunch. Yeah, that's good. Have you heard the cheesy gordita crunch? I don't think so. Don't you smoke pot. all the time. Why are you not eating garbage? Watch cartoons.

Actually, though, I heard, I don't know if this is true, but I'm pretty sure I read that Taco Bell is like the best fast food because it has the most real ingredients. Yeah, yeah. It's so good, dude. It's so good. It's so tasty. It's just like, it's like, it's real. Yeah, yeah, it's organic.

I gotta see if I can use food stamps at Taco Bell. You should. I would be surprised if you could. They can't. In California, you can. You can't. Yeah, it's already so cheap, though, right? It's like $2 for a taco or something.

For, yeah, that would be I did it when the first time, you're right, I do smoke a lot right now, but I, yeah, I eat a lot of shit when I get high, but not like that.

I'll eat, like, my go-to's, like, is Mexican food, but not taco about. Like, there's, like, good places around here in the East Village that I order from.

Yeah, do you ever go to, there's place in the corner there, it's good. Which one? I don't know what it's called. Okay. I just know it's a good place. Dude, though,

is not as good. Like, in the South, it's amazing. It's fucking great there. Yeah, yeah. I always say that. But I also like, it's good here, but it's not, like, California. It's great. California is amazing. Texas. Texas, I'm sure. Florida's okay. Like, it's not, you know what I mean? It's not like, the Cuban food in Florida is great. But, like, the Mexican food's like good. But I don't know. It's like, that is something that New York just doesn't specifically. I've never had Mexican food here and be like, this is the best Mexican food I've had. I feel like Italian, Chinese food, stuff like that's good here. For sure. Italian food's amazing here. Yeah. But I've also eaten so much of it at this point. I'm kind of like, I'm not done with it, but I don't know. Dude, pizza? Yeah.

I love how excited you get about just basic food. You're just so hyped about pizza. I think maybe it's because it like, like, I think I like garbage food. I don't eat it all the time because I always eat so healthy. And my parents, my mom's Italian and French. So she was always like cooking amazing food. And then I feel like we would disappoint her because we'd be like,

we wanted to go to McDonald's. And she's like, I literally made me like a lasagna. Oh, yeah. And like, that's how I am. I went to Italy as a child. and I was like, I fucking hate it. I ate McDonald's like in France. I was like, it's all garbage.

I want to eat. You do act like whenever like food like that is brought up, you act like a kid who's been left home alone. Because we aren't allowed to eat that. A whole cheese pizza just for me? Let's be like, I'm like, if we get dinosaur nuggets or like. Dude, dinosaur nuggets are sick. They're amazing.

They are pretty good. The fucking kid cuisines I loved. Like once in a while, my mom would let us. And she would also add like extra vegetables. But the thing is, I love eating that stuff. but I can't even, like, eat that much or I'll feel sick.

Like, the other day when I had pizza for the first time and forever, I also was like, I have vegetables in my backpack. So I got to eat that and then. Yeah. Which is probably good for me. But the problem is they don't have, like, an adult version of that. Like, have you ever had, like, a hungry man? Oh, yeah.

They're not really good. They're disgusting. It's the gross. It's like, it's like somebody tried to be bad at, like, making food. It's, like, like, they put this weird, like, they'll have, like, the steak, and then the gravy on there is disgusting. It's disgusting. It's like the gross.

thing on the planet. Sometimes I do, they're a little expensive, so I don't do it all the time. Freshly, there's like a bunch of companies now that do it, but there's... They send you food, right? It's just, yeah, it's like a pre-prepared meal and you just throw it in the microwave for a couple minutes. And it's like pretty good. It's like a lot of vegetables. It's like decent food. You're just on a way better life than... Yeah, I like... I'm just comparing... We're like, we don't sleep. We're pumping our bodies fill with coffee. We're eating garbage. And you're like, have you guys thought about sleep, vegetables, and everything you do is just better. It's the only vegetables.

can do, or like that I managed to get in, you know, like, I don't ever buy. Trader Joe's has good, like, pre-made stuff. Yeah, they do. That's, like, pretty awesome. Everything there's cheap as shit, too. Dude, I can use food stamps there as well. Oh, yeah, yeah. So I'm just going over there.

I'm probably going to go after this because I'm not near a Trader Joe's, but we are now. I love Trader Joe's. Trader Jose's. Oh, I like that. You know, it's a boat? Trader Joe's. It's a boat. What are you talking about?

The whole place. It's themed like a boat. I didn't put that together at all. Are you sure? I asked them. I asked. I was high. But I went in and noticed. And I was like, it's a boat. There's like oars, like paddles and bells and they're like dressed like that. And they're called, I saw the Hawaiian shirts. They're called crewmates. They're called like the crew and like captain. And like I asked some people that work there. Like I met some people at a show who work at Trader Joe's. And I was like, it's a boat. Right. And they're like, it's a boat. I like, I like they pull you side. They're like, do not fucking say this. Yes, it's a boat. Don't tell Trader Jose.

Joe will kill me. You'll be so fucking mad. Do you think they were just trying, they knew you were high, and they were like, let him have those. No, this was later. This was like,

add a show later. I was like, it's a boat, right? And they're like, it's a boat. I like, I like, I do too. But a grocery store having a thing like that is insane. It's pretty fun. It's a good time.

It'll take you out of it. Like, I don't, you know, they need like an alien themed restaurant where it's like a UFO. Dude, that would be sick. right? Like that. I would fucking love.

this is me and you having that trash tape. That kind of thing just gives me, like, I love the shit in, like, Times. Have you been to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? It's just like a haunted house themed restaurant. I went as, like, kid. Yeah, I'm sure there's places like that in Times Square you could go to. I would love a UFO place. Yeah, that'd be fucking sick.

But it's surprising you don't have one in New York. Let's see, I think Times Square is where you'd have cool stuff. I don't like the half-ass stuff. Like, just, you know, I want one that actually feels like I'm in, like, the Batcave or UFO. Yeah. Something that they put, like, actual, like, lighting and. Yes. And then I want the food to be weird.

Yes, absolutely. Like trashy fried. There was one. There was a, there was Mars 2112, but it's permanently closed. God damn it. Man, not enough people like us. I bet you everybody in there is fucking weird. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I love places like that. I love too. The problem, though, is like Brooklyn will have played, but they'll put half ever. It'll be a dive bar that they'll have like, this is an alien at the end of bar. I'm like, now you guys just wearing shirts that have UFOs on them. You know what I mean? It's not like you actually go in. There's like a fog machine and then like a dance number.

something like that. Yeah, this used to enter from a UFO. I know this is a podcast of this video we can't really share. This is so cool. Everybody lives- All the servers are dressed like weird aliens. The food looks good.

Looks creative. Oh my God, I like that so much. Dude, that's awesome. Oh, my God. Dude, for those losers, he's got a sweet alien mask. Oh, my God. Why did that close? I feel like only you and I would go.

Yeah, that's why. Because obviously, you know. Dude, that would be sick. They first filed for bankers. Cripsy in 2002 and again in 2007 and then closed Mars 2112 I think 2021 that's so sad or Tampa has a strip club Oh no closed in 2012 space themed I think it's called Monsvina or maybe it's called something I'm making it up I think there's a strip club that's space themed but still like

you got to commit fully to the scene they better be wearing masks that look like aliens dude you got to be looking like that guy yeah that guy looked so cool I mean it's a cool space like it's a yeah it's too bad it closed down the food looked zany too oh dude that looks Dude, what the fuck? I don't understand how that close. If you're listening, go to, there's an article on Bon Appetit about it. It's some good pictures. There's zero percent.

They don't know how to, my audience is not. They're audio only. Yeah, they can, they have a phone though. They don't know how to read now. Okay. They're all like you. Yeah. They all didn't get sleep.

Dude, that's insane. Yeah, that's my whole fan base. Yeah. There has to be another place like that. I think there's similar ones. There's a Stardust Diner, which is cool. Like, I like that's, I like this stuff like that. There's that, but that's not aliens.

That's like, no. people singing and dancing and stuff They're still fun though Like I even like Johnny Rockets I like Johnny Rockets a lot I like Johnny Rockets I don't know if I've been Is that the burger place?

Yeah great burgers and milkshakes And then it's like all like 1950s 60s I've only been to it I don't eat meat anymore So I'm kind of missing out They have good fries that you still enjoy fries I mean cheese fries milkshakes Cheese fries

Oh I love a good milkshake Then you love Johnny Rockets Yeah yeah I've only been to a Johnny Rockets On a cruise ship Oh yeah yeah that's the kind of That's got a place they have They just they're like branded one of their restaurants

as a Johnny Rockets. Yeah. Okay. It's one of those they give you like your I'm such a fucking child. They put your ketchup in a smiley face

and I don't know why I love that. That's so sick. I used to like those you probably had them the smiley like the potato they were like fries. Oh yes. They weren't that good

but I fucking loved them. They were like yeah they were kind of mushy and weird but I was like yeah it's smiling. It's something you have to like trick kids into eating food. You're like you're eating dinosaurs. It's cool now.

Like the most basic thing that, like, you want to do. They just, like, hate it. Like, everything was like that. Like, cakes were always, like, Batman cakes or something. Which is a delicious thing. You don't have to dress. You don't have to make that special. It's already cake.

Yeah, yeah. But as a kid, I was like, I want a little Batmobile on it. And maybe a cave. Yeah, dino nugs. That's like goldfish or so, you know, to snack this one's back. There was, like, SpongeBob Macaroni. Oh, we did that a lot. Yeah.

There was a, what was it, zoo pals? That wasn't a food, but it was like the plate. It was a plate with a little animal on it. Yeah. We weren't supposed to know what animal it is. Oh, until you finish eating. Yeah. God, kids are difficult.

Yeah, yeah. Kids are, like, just not gonna fucking eat. Yeah. Or you have one more on that's just pushing it all to the side. You're like, just fucking eat. Yeah, that's what I would be like. They just move it all around. They're like, it's a frog.

I can tell it's a frog. I don't need to eat now. You fucked it up, Billy. You fucked it up. I was like, I was always that kid. Whenever I'd have food, I'd always like push it to the side to make it look like I had, I've already eat more of it so I get dessert. Like if I had even macaroni, which is delicious, I'd cram it in a corner.

So it looked like, I was like, I ate all of that. And they're like, no, you could tell it's all. You just densified it into one part. So it looks like you had all of it. Dude, if kids didn't eat at school, I would just, they wouldn't get. Yeah, they wouldn't get snacks or anything. And then they would be like, I'm hungry. And I'm like, oh, here's your sandwich you didn't eat.

And then they always would just eat. And then I had one kid that he was like crazy. I'm hungry. Well, that's popping out, by the microphone. Yeah, you're good. You're good. And I'm hungry. And you're like, shut up.

I loved them. And then I remember a kid I had in my class would like make himself throw up because he didn't want to eat. And so I was like, oh, then you can clean it up. And then he stopped throwing up. He would throw up before he was supposed to eat. He would be eating, but he complained that he didn't like his sandwich or whatever. Maybe his parents put him on an Adderall. That was.

I think he was on. And then they kept asking. They were like, oh, we need more. And I was like, take him off drugs. That's the problem. He's four. He's four? You put four year olds in Adderall.

according to the FDA. Not according to them, but in license. Why don't what you... Because they're like, he's crazy. I was like, he's literally four.

Let him like run around outside. Dude, I'm a row to eat lunch on Adderall and I just would not be hungry. You know, I'd have to like force myself to eat it. Like, it would take the whole lunch break for me to finish a sandwich

because you're not hungry and you're just like chewing. I can't believe you were put on Adderall that young. Yeah, but it's like, I don't even blame my parents. I blame like the doctors because it's like my parents like

how are they supposed to know. They're like, oh, I'm listening to a doctor. going to listen to the doctor. I guess. Yeah. And the doctors are like, yeah, fucking somatrol. That's what's up.

That's insane to me. The doctors are like, okay doing that. Yeah, but it's also, it's across the board. It's like kids get put on Xanax all the time. It's horrible. Yeah, it's a, yeah. I mean, it's an industry. It's the pharmaceutical industry that people act like.

Yeah, they make it a shitload of money, I bet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's sad. Even what, like, kids are eating, too, when the food's so processed and bad, like at school, I'm like, dude, what the fuck? Like, I say I like trash food, but for the most part, I am eating, like, rice and beans and vegetables.

Kids need to be eating like real food because they're growing. Yeah, but most of them just aren't eating real food. Dude, we used to have in our school

they gave out like plastic bags of milk. It was like wrapped up and then you'd like stab it like an utter and then everyone would like make a mess of it and they were like

stabbing a liquid. You're that cleanly. Like that's gonna be. Yeah, it doesn't make sense that to work. I want to talk about I even talk about

how I just got fired again. I haven't even mentioned it for the listeners. Were you eating dino nugs at your... Yeah, yeah. They're like, you have to go.

Yeah, it's just like pouring ketchup on everything. Yeah, that was fine. Actually, I've already explained to you guys how I got,

it's annoying that the audience has to hear stuff that you guys have heard a thousand times. That's fine. That's okay. Yeah, so I got fired. We hear you do the same jokes

every night. That's fine. That's a good point. Yeah, yeah. I, uh, yeah, it was annoying. I had two opportunities

at this job, and then the guy really wrote perfect on my resume, which was like, the coolest thing I've ever seen. I'm like, that's awesome. I can see him write it.

The little, like, heart over the eye. There's no eye. Perfect. That's why I got fired really. I'm just a dumb ass. Drew Cupid on your resume. Yeah. I love him.

How funny me if you were interviewing for resume and he's just doing like, you know, the girly, like, drawlings? Yeah. He's like the whole time. He's just drawing. You're like, catch his clipboard. You're like, what the fuck? He's just got really cute.

And you're like, what? But there's so many too, because it was for a textile company. It's so funny because the guy's, like, being very serious at me. But there's all these, like, Disney stuff. animals behind him on the wall. It was so much. So it's a textile company. I go in for the,

well, first I interviewed for one position. They don't even make them. That's just his collection. Yeah, it's his room with baby babies. The beanies. But the first one I interviewed for was like, they're like, hey,

we thought you were great, but we went with somebody more experience. But we liked you so much. We're going to give you, we're going to recommend you to somebody else at the company. And I was like, oh, that's cool too. And then I interview with that guy.

And it was a dark room. It was so funny the way the guy comes in. The guy did not look like excited at all. He's like, all right, this is your resume. Okay, come in here. Sit down. And then I'm sitting down in a dark room. And it's just like Disney stuffed animals. There's like Disney princess. Yeah. And he's so serious. He's like, you know, this is, we're things are going to get pretty serious here at this.

You look fucking very silly. And then he wrote perfect. I was like, all right, sweet. And they call me back a month or three weeks later. Like, you've actually got both positions. Wow. And I was like, they're like, you don't have both. But like, you choose one or the other. Like, you have two. And I was like, yeah, cool. I guess I'll take the first one because it's more money. And they're like sweet, like great job, everything. And then this was on Tuesday. And I was like, all right, well, I'm going to go ahead and take everything off private by Thursday. Because I'm like, I already signed all this paperwork. I doubt they're going to go through my Instagram.

And apparently some random person at the company. What an asshole. Yeah, yeah. Because like, reverse it, right? Imagine like if I was at a company and a girl started working there and she had an OnlyFans. I was like, I stalked her on Instagram. Look what I found. You'd be like, that's weird.

That's creepy. Right, to go through people's shit. And then it was so funny because I saw, I had all these Google. like meeting set up and then I just saw canceled, canceled, cancel, cancel, cancel. It's funny to get canceled and see the word cancel. And,

yeah, they were just like, yeah, I know somebody listened to it and didn't like it. Dude, what the fuck? I don't even feel like you say anything. You're not saying crazy stuff. Wait till you see one with Allen on. It gets a little. Somebody described Allen as evil

in like a funny way. That is hilarious because you just say evil thing. But I mean, but by here at Allen's you'll randomly bring up a social issue and he'll come in and be like, actually black people were very much mistreated by the police. But that's the thing is that pisses me off too is it's like some of the best people I know are comics. And yeah, there's a bunch of weird comics.

But I'm like, sometimes people get mad from what you say on stage. I'm like, I'm not a bad person. Or like it just like ticks me off or like, I don't know. But then it also is funny. Me and Grammer are like, we're not saying anything crazy, but we're both like. Yeah, yeah. Both you guys have said things that I got a job. We've both definitely said shit not on the microphone that were like, oh,

we'd be fired. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I say things on the microphone. People are like, whoa. Yeah, exactly. I think it's also like the cover. I'm changing the cover for two months. It's me with the boner,

but I'm changing it to like just a cup of coffee. This is morning good just for two months. Why? Well, I'm applying for jobs. Oh, because I think that's hilarious. I do think probably people look at it. Don't even listen to it and they look at that and they go like, you know what? Yeah, maybe not this guy.

He's probably up to no good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe they take it to, like, what if he gets boners in the office? They think it's like, they're overthinking it. There's a real risk here. It's a hilarious cover. Oh, thank you. So funny.

But I don't think they're going to listen to it if they just see the boring cover of it. And I'm like, in a way I could be as creative I want because I can say whatever I want of the podcast. But I just can't. But apparently they were mad at it. It's also funny because it's a textile company. I'm like, there's no way you don't have some kid in China like sewing these things together. And you're like, this is too inappropriate for him to listen to.

So it's like. That's who reported it. Yeah. It's like, this is inappropriate. Yeah, our kids can't listen to any of this. Get a family friendly podcaster for. That's fucked up. up, though. I can't believe somebody, like, snitched.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the most annoying part. And maybe it, my thing is maybe it was the HR manager and then they like said it with some random person. But I'm like, no, because you guys would have done a background check and found. Yeah. It seems hard to, at this point. I'm like, how would you hide it? Because don't you post it on a lot of different places? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the hard part. You want to promote something and hide it at the same time, which is why I think I'm going to make a dad-friendly, like, just very dad humor, Instagram of my comedy. It's totally fake. And just if it comes up, be like, oh yeah, I do, I mean, here's my Instagram, you know, it's nothing big.

And it had me just be like, you guys ever been to the zoo? And then like, this guy's all right. Yeah, we're going to hire him. Yeah, because they wouldn't look and say maybe he has a different Instagram, but I don't know. That was part of why I quit because I was like, I want to be able to say whatever I want. Yeah, yeah, that is the funny thing about comedy is like, we're talking about like, yeah, you got to be able to do clean. I'm like, I didn't sign up for comedies to have people tell me what to talk about.

You know what I hate when people are like, you got to be cleaner or whatever. I'm like, I don't, this is, I remember when I first started, maybe. because I just wasn't, didn't have, like, the skill. But people were like, oh, like, you're cute. So you should talk about stuff that's like, because you're so dark. And I'm like, that's not my personality, though. I'm not like a sweet, like.

When someone picks up on like one thing about you, they're like, talk about it. Like, talk about it. I had a lot of people tell me that where they're like, you're trying to be something you're not. And I was like, no, I am like very dark. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then now I know, I think because I was so nervous when I started,

it wasn't coming out right. Yeah, because it doesn't come out naturally to say to a group of people, hey you guys all fucking whatever you know what I mean it doesn't sound natural as it is but like once you get now you're more comfortable on stage like now I'm sure it comes out way more natural yeah yeah yeah I was doing a show once and the the person who ran the show she introduced me to one of her friends who wasn't even a comic just a friend of hers was at the show and she's like oh this is Graham you're like gay or some shit right I'm sorry it's funny because it's so it is insane and I was like So weird. Like, no. And she's like, oh, but you have, uh, or no, what she said. Oh, that's not even, she went, this is Graham. He has a lot of threesomes.

That's what she said. And I was like, no. And she's like, oh, but you're gay or some shit, right? And I was like, also no. She's like, oh, but you're by. So it's like, I, so you knew. Like, you knew the answer. You just wanted to be weird.

Yeah. It's also weird to, it's annoying when people like bring that up where I'm like, it's just strange to me. I don't get it why people have to like bring it up at all. because I'm like, nobody would come up to me and be like, you're straight. Yeah. First thing. It's like weird.

And then she was like, oh, you should do you talk about being gay on stage? You really got to talk about that. And I was like, yeah, sometimes. You haven't seen me go up yet. Shut up. Yeah, that's annoying. You're like, that's one part of my life too where I'm like, I want to talk about other parts. Yeah, exactly.

My thing, too, I'm sorry, it's just so funny to say somebody about your gay and shit. You're gay or some shit. Because it's like, there's something. It's objectively hilarious. Yeah. That's like the Allen humor that I think is funny because it's like, The only reason it's funny is because of how ridiculous it sounds. It's very like a handyman says something offhanded.

You're like, what did you just say? You're like, yeah, you're gay. I had a handyman in my apartment like two years ago fix my bed. It's like, like the bed frame just broke. And he was like coming into a place and he's like, all right, just no fat chicks, huh? And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? It's insane. But it's so funny because you're like, that's such an inappropriate thing to say.

Who are you? That's so because there's no way he was like a, I'm sure he was. fad. He was a handyman, right? He was huge. He was huge, and it was like right, like, in the height of COVID, and he's like, I can't wear a

mask while I work. You should. It's too uncomfortable. And I was like, okay. You need to, I need a bed, so I guess I have to let you. I always feel bad for fat people.

Because I'm like, there are times where I, like, feel like I put on a couple pounds and I don't feel good. And, like, how do you, like, keep? You should, like, keep at it. Yeah. And it seems expensive.

Yeah. You got to, just every day your life is so different. Just walking around, if you get on a bike, you can't, it's difficult. What I think is hard is when you become morbidly obese. Because then it's hard. Everybody's like, well, you, I'm like, that's hard. The in-between part is less tricky for me because I'm like, my thing is like, I've gained weight.

Like, I've weighed more than this. And like, I've never, maybe, I think it's mostly because I'm a dude. I've never once been insulted by somebody calling me fat. I always think it's funny. Really? Yes. Because I used to weigh probably like 25 pounds more. and constantly my brother be like, you're getting really fat.

I'm like, yeah, I know it's horrible. It's like just for years. Yeah, yeah, my life's awesome. Yeah, yeah. But I think it is a challenging thing too because, like, I understand that people go through depression and it's very complicated, but it is hard because in ways you do have some control over it. Like, the hard part is the diets.

It's compulsive, though. That's why I feel bad where I'm like, they don't even feel good. No, of course. Yeah. You don't feel good doing it, you know? But I think it's the same thing with like drug addiction where it's like, you're like, I do feel bad, but it's also. So it's a tough thing.

It's like, I know that you're in a tough situation because you can't control this, but there are ways you could like... Do you just walk around like Washington Square Park and see like a heroin addict? You go, hi, you're fat. No, but it is hard to like, especially being an addict where I'm like, I've struggled with that, where I was like thought I could never stop drinking. Yeah. And I'm having withdrawals and stuff.

So it's like I get it being in that in such a desperate spot. But I think it was because I was like so numb to my. feelings all the time. So I was like, I don't want to deal with this. But I didn't even know. Like, I remember one of my friends, like, forced me into therapy because I was so bad. She was like, you have to go or I'll call your mom. I was like, what the fuck?

And then, like, that was crazy. And I just went. That was the only thing that worked, too. That was the only thing that worked, too. Because everybody was like, dude, come on. And then I was like, all right, don't want to disappoint my mom. So I went and I was such a cunt to this lady. And then she would, like, ask about how I was feeling.

I was like, nobody, like, asks me that. Like, I was so out of touch with, like, my emotions. Because also I think you're hanging out, especially if you're hanging out with people that are doing drugs all the time. Like nobody's randomly like, hey guys, you ever think we should like, you know what I mean? Everybody's probably just like. Should we stop? But I'm saying, I think that's the same thing where like I feel empathetic to people that are like very overweight. But it's like a hard thing where it's like it's like the same way when you see like a homeless person who's like doing heroin.

You're like, okay, I understand. I can't be like, oh, I'm better than you because I don't do heroin because I don't think that way. But I'm also like there also is a like, you know what I mean? Like it's a weird in between where I'm like you. there is a way out of this. I'm not saying I would be strong enough to get out of it, but it is like one of those things

that I'm, you know what I mean? I don't know. You have to like stay on top of yourself. Yeah. Because I feel like I could see, I'm like, oh, I can see how that would happen. For sure. Like I was just talking to a friend about how,

when I was doing that show at Sour Mouse, it was like the saddest thing to watch because there were all these drug dealers outside. And then there was this girl that was like new and she was like pretty. But then she would go in every week you would just see her like deteriorate and I was like oh my god it was awful to watch because it was like her skin was getting bad because we ran that show for a few months and I would see it was

just like the progression so scary and I was like you have to be able to like catch yourself or like stay on like what's going on did you call her mother? You should have. I should have called her mom. That's the thing where I'm saying where it's like you can feel empathetic but also you have to realize that everybody has their own life and it's hard to be always just like you know what I mean? Yeah.

At some point you have to be like all right. Yeah. Can't do anything. Yeah, that's, yeah, that's the point I was getting at. It's not on you to do it. And I'm better than all of these people.

Fat people, drug addicts. I've risen above. You can read better. You're taller. And then Michael Goode gains like 40 pounds. Yeah. Just start doing heroin. But I like that.

I always feel like I have to put a bow on it. I'm like, but I have to justify. It's so funny, I love the range of episodes. Because, like, I'll have Alan on, and it's just an hour of horrible things being said. And then I have you guys on and you're like... You're just talked about food for... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're like, Taco Bell. One place I do... I do want to go to the Margaritaville in Times Square, but I think they don't have it. One place I've always wanted to visit. Is it Mexican? I've never been there. No, no.

I mean, I assume it's like shrimp tacos. I don't know what you call that, like surf Mexican. I don't know what you call... I'm so excited about it. Dude, a fucking cheesecake factory is dope. I love the cheesecake factory. It's so good. Literally my favorite place in the air.

would go to a cheesecake I've never been but I'd like to go. Dude, how have you not been to the cheesecake fact? I didn't, they have one of my queens. They have them all over the place.

Yeah, but I didn't live in this country for most of my life. That's why you're so healthy and everything because you grew up in Europe. He's like, he reads, he eats healthy, he sleeps. They teach you how to read there. Yeah, not here, buddy.

I'll be starting eating garbage. Don't see you. Well, that's the thing too. I love cheesecake factory because the theme is ridiculous, right? There's like, no, people try to put together. It's like Egyptian or some shit.

It's Egyptian and then like the menus, American food slash. It's like a mix of everything. But I love, I love booths too. I like sitting in a nice coffee food. Wait, it's Egyptian? Is that what you said? It's like kind of, you can't really tell what it is. You're like, this is some kind of like Egyptian or like Greek.

Like you can't really tell. Like the food or the theme? The theme. The theme. It's wacky. But then the food is everything. There's like Italian food, American food. The pasta there.

There's like this all four cheese. pasta. It's like insane. It's so like... I have the macaroni burgers, which good. Have you their milkshries? Yeah. Amazing milk cheese. Oh, they have good amazing. And then they have like this

raspberry lemonade drink that's like so fucking good. All right, fine. Where are we going? Like that's sour way. That's the only part. It's like I'll look up shit like that. I'm like, I'll really go over a cheesecake factory. I'm like, oh, it's in Queens. That was funny because that that was like one of the COVID protest places, which makes sense. It is funny that like none of these

happen at like nice restaurants. It's always like the local like something and there's, which is funny they're posting now because the, the, the mandate's like done. It's over. Certain restaurants will require it and like, we don't have to go to that fucking place. I saw a person that I know, not like a friend of, I just, a person I know

and I think you guys probably know him too. Does he wear a fun tie? He sure does. I know what you're talking about. He was in Union Square with a megaphone being like, we just want to eat in a restaurant. This is oppression. This is the knots. All this shit. And then later that same night, I saw him eating outside at

restaurant. I was like, so you have that option. Like this is, well also now it's totally different because now it's like you can, whatever you like, okay, so certain restaurants in New York do require Vax, but it's like you could still go to, this New York City, there's thousands of restaurants. Thousands of restaurants. And most you can still eat outside

if you're not vaccinated and that's what he did. So what are you complaining about it? If there was a restaurant that said we don't allow white people, there's zero chance I'd give a shit right now. I'm like there's so many that do. There's a cheesecake factory. Wait, did they make people wear masks or something? No, no, this was like before. It was.

Just during the vaccine mandate of eating inside. What did they do? People were angry? It was just when every restaurant... You know my favorite? You ever see a protest and it's so lost on you what it even is? Which is so funny about you guys, you're failing. Because I don't know what you're protesting right now.

Like I saw that. There's people yelling in front of this like restaurant and I'm like, be more clear about your message. I want to wait a protest. People yell in New York about vaccines now is ridiculous. I'm like, it's too late, dude. The 90% of people here already got it. and also it doesn't matter.

Yeah, because they don't check it anywhere anymore. So it's like to, yeah, now it's like a funny thing. So like what's your, what are you mad about? They're mad about like the one places that do. That does. Like they'll be out like, this place does or that place doesn't. People are just like being pissed. Yeah, 100% yeah.

But I think now it's sort of chilling out a little bit. But it is funny to just see like no matter what. I want a megaphone so bad. I would love to lead a protest. Get real angry. Yeah. Well, they have like the pure blood thing. I'm surprised you don't like all the time.

I don't even know what I would protest, but. They don't even know what. That's the whole point. I feel like I should protest something. What is... Just go to Union Square. You're like, my slop is the best Slop.

I use the best beans and good rice. All the seasonate. But the funny part is like the second you start protesting something that's actually probably important, it's not interesting. You're like, Section 3B4 if the new bill's gonna fuck everybody,

everybody's like, yeah, but I mean, I don't know. You're not yelling about it. What are you talking about it? Yeah, if you're passionate about it, people will listen up. Yeah. I've seen some interesting ones.

that was the one that happened recently was like at one restaurant in Grangeville as it requires Vax. And they have these things that say pure blood on it, which luckily the guy wasn't white because I would be very confused. Apparently that's like a Vax, anti-vax thing. If you're not vaccinated, you say pure blood. But it's just funny because I was like, I thought it was a race thing at first. But the guy was like Chinese. I was like, okay. So now I'm piecing it together slowly.

It still might have been, dude, you know? Yeah, but he was with like white, Hispanic black people. So I think. Yeah, but you hang out with a diverse group of people. yet you still think whites or is the superior. That's true. Good point. Bringing up valid points.

Yeah, it was funny. And there are all the cops just like guarding the restaurant. It was raining too. It felt like, I don't know, I just watched the Batman too. And I was like, oh, it's really. Crime is everywhere in the city. You know what's funny? No matter what movie you're watching, you relate it to what's going on.

Yeah, you do. Everybody protesting, anything, probably is like, that was the message in the new Batman movie. Did you really relate to, like, Talladega Nights when you were growing up? that seems like your upbringing is just... Yeah, a little bit. I want to go see it with my mom. She didn't like it very much. What is it?

You've never seen Talladega nights? Oh, it's great. It's about race car driving. It's a NASCAR movie with Will Ferrell and John C. Riley and Sasha Bear Cohn. It's fucking awesome. Yeah. And if you just case you don't know, Florida's big for racing. Daytona 500, it's a big deal.

I never been now. I've been to like the new Sumerna Beach Speedway, which is just a great time. I went to a NASCAR race once when I was like five and I fell asleep. Wow. That's crazy. It's loud. It's the loudest thing in the world. Yeah, yeah.

And you fell asleep at it. No, I'm, sleep is... You're a big on sleep. Sleep is the thing that I am best at. Like, I'm very good at sleep. I'm not good at many things, but I'm good at sleep and airports. I'm great at those.

What does that mean? How are you good at airports? I'm fucking just killing it, dude. You sleep at airports? Well, I can sleep at an airport. No, I can. I'm very... I'll get there.

Good time. Make clear security perfectly. Very efficient. you know, buzzer-beater life of just I get there and I board I'm right there.

I feel like I get in trouble a lot at the airport. Yeah, I could see you. You're just walking around with your megaphone yelling. I get irritated

and then they pull me aside and then they go through my stuff. They're so mean. It's so funny. No, you just got to be nice. They, they,

no. I don't like it. They're like such a cunt just say like nothing and just keep going. But they're annoying when they kind of pick on you

or whatever. And I'm like, dude, what the fuck, just chill. And I get mad. Have you tried being a tall white man? It's very convenient at an airport.

Well, I mean, you'd be surprised that my girlfriend's white and they, they like, I'm not like, they have racism against us too. But this woman just went at her for no reason. It was so funny. We were at the airport, and she goes, what are you doing?

She's like, get your bag out of the box. No bags in the box. Like, the rules change every father. They don't know. That's what I don't understand is I'm like, we're not, they're like screaming at everybody. I'm like, you don't have to be angry.

Just tell us what to do because it's always different. They're like, keep your shoes on. They're like rolling their eyes. That changes every time. And you're like, it's shoes on, shoes off. Like, you never know. And they're like, why isn't it happening?

You're like, dude, I literally just got here. You got to get precheck. I went recently, I'm about to get that. But I want a recent. Isn't it cost more? It's $80 for five years. Oh, I'm going to do that. I'm going.

I like being able to show up at the airport and not be rushed. But it's so fast. You don't take your shoes off. Don't take a belt out. Take nothing out of your bag. It's great. Yeah, that sounds like something I need to do. But also, dude, I went to the airport and the first time

ever last time I'm there they're like like you can leave your laptop in your bag I'm like what are you talking about since when never of him yeah they were like why are you taking your I was like for my whole entire life you have to take your laptop out of it you always say large electronics out of it yeah they act like that's like insane

what are you fucking crazy I was at the airport in Argentina and we started like we were leaving and we were taking our like shoes off and stuff and they looked like scared they're like what are you guys doing and they were like barely checked anything in South America they ever just like, they were like getting mad.

They were like, what was happening? I went to the Bahamas one time. Same thing. It was like, you could bring anything. Like I knew somebody brought like sheets of acid in like a book, which I mean was pretty undetectable, but still it's like they were like, yeah, this is the Bahamas will be fucking fine. And it really was like, you went to like the customs and it was like, I mean, we took a boat

there. So I guess a little different. But it was, because I guess nobody's going to bomb. I mean, some people bomb boats probably. But like, I guess they're less worried about somebody hijacking a boat. Crewship comedians. Yeah. Huh?

That's my time, guys. That's the end of the pod. I would have been fine cutting it right there But I guess Yeah because nobody's gonna hijack a boat I mean you guess maybe some people are pirates still But nobody's gonna crash a boat into like a beach of people Such a slow moving

Yeah yeah It's so funny they're like we're taking over this boat Like all right we'll just get a faster boat We've got like a few days notice of where you're trying to go We'll be able to take care of it That's fine We are at an hour though Is there anything you guys want to promote?

Probably Monday night comedy comedy shop Yeah, it's a great show. It's Monday, every Monday at 10. I've got a Switch hitters comedy every Thursday and Friday at 6 p.m. at the Chrisley Parac. Great show. I do both of these shows, and I love both of them. I don't believe you at all.

And once again, we're doing two episodes a week, one Monday, or one comes out Sunday, one comes out Wednesday. So thank you for listening. Bye.