Morning Good - Just That Type Of Guy - Episode 263

Episode Date: March 30, 2025

Ethan Mead and Tommy Bayer join the show for today's episode. They talk about Spider-Man science, pre-podcast etiquette agreements, and the new Joe Gatto allegations.Thanks to Tommy for coming back on the show and to Ethan for joining for the first time. You can find more funny stuff from both of them at their links below. Tommy is on Instagram @tommybayertime . Ethan is on Instagram and TikTok as well @ethanmeadforever.  They both also co-host a show together called Forever Time at Grove 34 in Astoria, Queens, New York so check out the next one coming up May 2nd.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. All right, we're here with Ethan Mead. Yeah, what's up, guys? And Tommy Bear. And you were talking about how I have a cool apartment. Yeah, very cool. Yeah, I just want to, has anyone like,

talked about the layout. No, it's mostly dudes being like your fucking feet make me come so hard. Yeah. And everybody thinks I'm pandering to them. I'm not. I just, I'm comfortably sitting on my couch.

I happen to not like wearing shoes. And the fan base happens to be dudes that are jacking off to my feet. Good. Yeah. Wow. I mean, at least there's... That's cool.

But I did an episode a couple weeks ago to a desk and it was so funny. You can just tell they were just livid. They were like, God fucking damn. That's cool. It's half and half. I get my favorite comment was, came for the feet, stayed for the discussion That's cool

Came for the feet Came for the feet. Came for the feet. Came from the feet. Came from the feet. And then I Came from the discussion. Came from, came from Three comes. Three comes. Three comes. All around. Well, the best part is normally you have posted out clarity and you're like, you am I, that's disgusting. But this podcast is so fucking good. This guy ejaculated. It went, wait a second.

Yeah, and it's so engaging. That was the clarity. Yeah, yeah. He was like, wow, this is actually a good podcast. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes you have to come before you can listen to anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For a meeting, I'm sprinting to bus so I can pay attention and do a good job. It's hard to focus when you're thinking about sex. Yeah.

I've been doing like an amount of health kick, but I'm also on like a porn health kick where I'm not quitting porn, but I'm jerking off to like vintage old, like 70s just naked. You're going to record player. 70s naked women. It feels. No, it's more, it's more class. It feels so healthy, dude. You know, it's a classy guy, you pour yourself a glass of scotch. Yeah.

You jack off to a big bush. I love bush, you. I love bush, dude. I'm going even older than that. I'm going to World War II planes, and I'm jerking off to the hot ladies. They paint on the sides. Ooh, that's pretty good, yeah. I go to the Intrepid Museum on the Hudson River.

Oh, yeah. And I jerk off to the bombshells. Yeah. And they go, you're not going to do it again, right? And I go, no. Just in a trench coat of the tour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. guy's been on the job for three weeks and he's like

and then they tell him they're like dude he will he'll find a way yeah he only came up to you because you're three weeks into the job and he knows that but just so you know you're new here so we're letting you know he will come back he tricked you but he tricked all of us hey buddy hey buddy like rock candy french go full of rock candy

anyways this is a very like unique not uniquely just a very classic a guy apartment. No, no, no, no, we're talking about jerking off here. Can you please? Well, I don't want to talk about it. I'd love how every guy apartment has a guitar in the corner, and it's six degrees removed from anybody who lives in the apartment.

Yeah, there's definitely a broken string on it. You can visually see that from here. I bet it, is it anyone, does anyone here own it? I think my roommate Jake plays it. Oh, because sometimes you'll go into a guy's apartment, they're like, that was like from three guys ago. Yeah. Yeah. I had a girlfriend one time, uh, uh,

uh, I was so bad at, thank you, man. I appreciate it. Um, Was it the last one? I've only had one girlfriend. So, yeah, yeah. The last girlfriend. How'd you blow it? I got fat.

I started podcasting while she was home. I mean, there's a lot of things that... Well, in your face, Michael now has an eating disorder. And he's getting abs for the wedding. Have you talked about the ab journey? Oh, yeah. I talked about the last episode. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, good. So everyone's... Yeah, so I'm 10 days in now. Well, if you're listening, this comes out Sunday. So I'm fucking 14 days in. Wow. I'm really proud of you, man. You look good.

Thank you. I got to get on that. I don't like the way my body looks. See, I was the opposite. I like, I like being kind of fat. I'm like...

Sure, sure, sure. No, no, no, I'm serious. It's like, it's like, I... No, I agree, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like, I feel like I look stronger when I was kind of fat.

People were like, you're fucking... Did you play football? Which I did in, like, middle school. I was very bad at it. Yeah. But I'm gonna get too skinny

and they're gonna be like, who are you? Are you a woman? Yeah, it's like, but that's the thing. It's like, I am like, like my personality is like skinny twink. Yes. And like, and it would be really like.

But you got the height. See, with my height, you had to be very careful getting too skinny because then you come to do small. You're a taller guy. So taller guys can be skinnier, but shorter guys, I get skinny people think I like.

Right. But the thing is like, but now it's like a personality where it's like, like if I get too big, which I'm eventually it's going to happen. Yeah. You know, and then I'm going to have to reckon with myself like,

okay, so I'm not like some like Brooklyn Twink anymore. I'm just some like weird like white dude with a mustache and a beer belly. And you basically you go from Twink to you look like a pedophile. Yeah, yeah. And that's like that's basically the pipeline. I do love the idea of being like a Brooklyn like, because you live in Brooklyn, right? Yeah. Being like a Brooklyn like comedian but doing steroids, just being ginormous.

But still, still, still doing comedy. It just doesn't it not fit in your head? I cannot see somebody getting on stage in Brooklyn. I think doing anything like drastic with your body is so funny. It's so yeah.

Like just being like, be like, I'm going to lose, I'm losing 40 pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gaining 40 pounds. Any like big thing you want to do,

like awesome. I wish I didn't tell half the Bachelor party because I want to be able to get my back because I know my buddy's going to be like no matter what he's made, that's not a real six pack. Yeah.

But, uh, I would joke with our friend Dan Carney last time I was on the podcast I was with him yeah dude I would always joke with him like I'd be like dude your body sucks right now for Hollywood you either need to

get you either need to lose the weight dude I was like you either need to gain 100 pounds or lose 100 pounds and he's like you would always be like I know it's fucked like where I'm at right now is for nobody I either need to be a huge

fat guy or a skinny jack guy this 180 pound zone I gotta go fat man man. I don't see myself as a... You could get jacked, though. I could get jacked, but that's so fucking hard, man. But you know what sucks, too?

Whenever a fat guy gets jacked, nobody notices that he got... Everybody, like, whenever he's, like, everybody's, like, look at Bert Kreisher, he's so in shape. I'm like, he still looks the same to me. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you got in shape, when? I don't, yeah.

I don't know. People are just saying he got, like, certain, certain... Sometimes when you get, like, new people will see you differently, and they'll be like, oh, this guy's jacked out of his mind. But I think old people don't see the... Yeah. I don't see, I just see Bert Kreischer getting redder and redder. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's just, his face is just enclosing. It's just swelling up. His eyes are being eaten up by his cheese. Yeah, yeah, every single time I see him, I'm just like, oh my God, he has poison ivy. And his eyes are getting smaller. He's just being stung by bees. Yeah, he's getting, he's the gym full of bees. Yeah, he's getting, he just rolled in a bed of poison ivy and bees.

And he needs help. and you're just putting him on stage. That's how you do outdoor comedy. There's lots of things that happen in the environment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A's on stage, heavy winds. He's got frostbite. Yeah, what did he roll into?

Yeah. Yeah. No, please. Do you think I should be fat or skinny? Because I am tall. I think jacked. I'm not getting jacked is not an option. Let's be right.

I'm not going to get jacked. I can't imagine being like, Hugh Jackman, like, X-Men won jacked. where he kind of just had like the tits. Yeah, I mean. Yeah. And then like kind of sucked in a stomach a little bit

and he gave the illusion of like a six-back. But I can't do like, I think of Marvel guys because I'm a nerd. I'm like, I can't do the fucking. No, no, no,

no, no. You got a fix your, you got a, you got a, you got a, you got a, you got a, like,

um, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, a man in like the late 60s and people would be like,

this man was so handsome and, it's the hottest guy. Adam West. Pansom. That's what I wanted. That's what I wanted. You look at a, you look at a picture of fucking, um, uh, uh, David Hasselhoff. Yeah.

You look at a picture of David, David Hasseloff like season three of, not season one when he was a little younger. Like season three, that's like, what a fat guy in the movies is. Yeah. No, I swear to fucking God. Like, look at it. Like, you, like, you, you think of like David Hasselhoff as a kid and you're like, that, that was a hot guy. Yeah.

You know, the same way, like, B. There's like Beyonce, David Hasselhoff on the beach. You just know him as like a reference. And then like you're an adult and then you see him and you're like, no, that looks like my friend. Yeah. Anyways, I really envision like a season two, David Hassel. Yeah. No, which is like he had like a dad like a very like fit regular dad bod.

Because men, because it's gay to think about your body. Totally. And guys were not gay back then. they were extremely like, uh, um, like they drank. Men drink.

Yeah. This is the first generation of men who are like thinking about not drinking alcohol. Yeah. Which is really crazy. Yeah. Like in the past, in the past five years men have been like, I've,

I've, like, who are not alcoholics, who just like would have a few. They're not drinking for health purposes. Yeah. Which I think is so, I'm doing this just so I can get very fucked up with it.

I'm doing this so I can have more money at the bachelor. party to spend on alcohol. Right. So I'm basically like manually delete the ass side roof. I got a Hollywood idea for you. Okay. So Camel, non. I can't say his name without saying the N word.

Non Gianni. Not, not. Okay. I just, dude, I see, I see something with a N and I just, I go, Camel. I get too excited. Let me be real careful. This was.

Camel, no, I'm not saying all that. Not going to say it. No, not saying all that. Yeah. Nice try. Nice try. No, no. But he's got that new.

Camel nice to try. Nice to try. I'm not the... Nice to try. I can't pronounce your name. He's Sicilian. Yeah. That'd be so funny. He's Sicilian this whole time. Kumail, nice to try.

Nice to try. I'll say it. Yeah, I was going to do a really bad Indian accent, but I can't... Can't happen. You haven't been eating enough. That's true. Yeah, yeah. To focus.

Dude, accents burn through carbohydrates. It's true. Yeah. You go lactic when you're doing a good accent. It takes a lot. It takes a lot. I used tolmaker. A lot of calories.

Yeah. Yeah. You need to eat more bodies, basically. And I'm to have more guys in you. Exactly. That's why you need a burrito. Because every, every. So I've actually got like rice and tortilla.

It's a lot of carbs. Like, yeah, they have to do the accent all the time. Yeah, exactly. They need all that. Yeah. They need all that glucose. When I eat enough for three, what I'm saying is I'm eating enough for two more racist voices. Yeah.

It's true. Indian time. Well, because you know why that is. It's because when you cook food, you lose skin particles. So you're actually eating a Mexican man. That's stupid. Yeah, yeah.

So they lose, you know, they have the hair nets which don't always work. So you're getting a little bit of Mexican man hairs. You're getting Mexican DNA in you when you eat Mexican food. That's why you get better at the voices.

Oh. Oh. Yeah. It's Spider-Man. It's the same. It's basic Spider-Man. It's the same. It's basic Spider-Man science.

I have time to explain Spider-Man science to you guys. Yeah. Instead of getting bit by a spider, you get bit by a barren. Eat a burrito. Eat your own burrito. Can you guys tell me

what comic is? I heard my favorite Spider-Man joke I've ever heard. Okay. I forgot the guy's name and I really want to credit him. I think he was Colin something. Jost.

Yeah. He had a joke. He goes, this is a joist for sure. This guy goes, the new Spider-Man, so he's black, he knows, black in Puerto Rico.

His name is Miles Morales. And the thing that he never explained was he a black guy that got bitten by a Puerto Rican? No. And I'm just like, or Puerto Rico's been by black guy. Oh, fuck yeah.

I'm like that just. killed me. That's good stuff. But what I have tried to say is, you should do none of the exercise, but get the new Hollywood jaw line that everybody has. Oh my God, yes. Like the Glenn Powell, yes. Camel. Who just showed up with that? You should do it GoFund me for

jawline surgery. Yes, jawline shaving. It'd be funny if you didn't tell anybody though. You just had like all the fat out of my throat and shaved my jaw back like an inch and a half. Patinson is the craziest fucking like jaws of life. They're fake. They've got to be fake. They see the muscles in his

It's a new jaw line, dude. It goes out, it goes out and out like this. Because it used to just... It's like a me. I know. They look like in like the, like, Looney Tunes when like an Anvil, like, fell on them and it would, like, go inside their mouth. It would just go inside.

They would, like, eat it on accidents. Or anvil would go up their butt, you know? They look like that alpha male meme. You know, like that meme of this guy with a big chin and, like, beard. And it's like, it's like guys back in the 40s. It's like guys now. And it's like a trans woman.

It's fat. Yeah, they have pronouns. You never see any of these? I mean, you probably. Dude, I don't want to kill myself what I think of guys now. Guys back then were fucking war soldiers in war.

Guys now suck so bad. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Right, yeah. Men used to go to war. Men back in the 40s, men now. Yeah.

Well, the thing is that they were, they were still guys who looked like me. We just, like, died. Yeah. What do you mean? Like, men used to go to war and like, now they're doing now. They're just a lot.

They just would have died. We would all died. I would have been dead. Dude, Tommy, you were in a big ass World War I helmet. Dude, I'm literally... It kind of fits.

I see him as the guy. And playing cards that stuck to it. No, dude, I literally look like... Like, I think I'm like... Like, I don't think I'm like... Like, I don't think I'm like... But I don't think I'm like... If you saw a picture of like your Irish grandfather when he was in his 20s and you'd be like,

oh, grand... He didn't look that bad. Yeah, yeah. That's like my face. It's like big ears, fucked up teeth. Covered in soot. Big nose and stuff like that. But yeah, no, I would have just like...

No, I'm like Captain... I'm like Captain America before he got his um... You are. His juice. Yeah, yeah. A lot of those guys, we were just, every World War II movie, it's skinny guys in a boat, and then they just take one to the fucking face. Yeah.

That's what men, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's why I'm hoping these new wars kind of bring men back. You look like a war soldier as well. You have a nice quaff. Oh, thank you. You have like a, yeah. You said a soldier and then I go, oh, thank you.

Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. Oh, wow. I don't know. I don't know if I look like a good war soldier. I look like the rural. like the wars were like oxen had like armor and shit on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they were just bumping animals into each other. I think that's more like Hun warfare. I think it was more my era. What was that again? Huns? Like Tell the Hun? Just like, yeah, Till of the Hun.

Just back when shit was a gray area. That's just the only Hun I know. Yeah. Those are the ones, yeah. Just all this modern artillery. This is super. Han. Maybe not Ben-His.

I think it fucks up the sand. Do you not. Yeah. Han, I'm home. Attila comes out. Whatever. the fuck. What was he? Was he Korean? He was Mongolian.

I haven't had Mongolian food in fucking months, do you? That's the best I got. That's the best I got, man. I mean, you're just not eating enough. It's got some Mongolian beef so we can do the accent. By the time, this is over. Was Mongolia like, okay, so they were like the big congers. Is it China and other places, I assume?

Like part of Russia was Mongolia, right? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Also, I'm the guy who I thought that, what is it? Saudi Arabia. I thought that was like a general area. I didn't realize it's an actual country.

That is a nation. Yeah, I thought it was like Iraq and Saudi Arabia. Arabia sounds very like, there's a couple of those. Saudi Arabia. Like, that's racist. You're Yemeni, really? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, do people are.

Yeah. No, no, I don't think, I think that's, I knew it was a country, but I think like Saudi Arabia does sound like the Midwest. Right. Yeah. It just, it's an area. Yeah, like southeast, the Saudi Arabia's. Yeah, the Saudi Arabia's. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't like that because why do you need Saudi? There's no other Arabia. He'd just be Arabia, right? Yeah, he used to be Arabia. It's a West Virginia thing for me. Yeah.

Also, Arabia sounds sexier. Arabia. Like, I picture like a belly dancing lady. Like, it's very like... That's kind of what they do over there. Yeah, yeah. I have a sword and there's like candlelights. I'm like...

Yeah. I want to go to... I think it's called... What the fuck is it called Riyadh Season or something? They're opening like a Disney World in Saudi Arabia and it's got like the WWE amusement park

they're doing like ice dancing it's like this beautiful oasis in the desert Is it that long strip? Is it that long strip? Oh fuck the wall? What was that called? No, they were trying to they were trying to build like a

like a five mile long strip. It was called something. Did you hear about this? No. This huge architectural. I think they're doing it. I think it stopped because they ran out of water.

Yeah. The water ride, she's like dry as fuck. That's so pretentious. They're like, oh yeah, desert country, huh? Big ass fountain. Yeah, yeah. I just also picture, like, you know when you go to Disney World and you get all the pictures? Like, when you go on the ride?

Right, right, right. I just picture all women in Berk. Like, you just can't see. Which one is the more strict? Is the Burka or the hijab where it's only the eyes? The Burka. Yeah, that's right picture. Yeah, that's the one.

Thought that bit had more legs to it. I thought it was going to be a whole thing. That would be fun. Yeah, because they were burkas in Saudi Arabia, very good. Right. So I just pictured you not. Their culture is not quite like ours. They're not like us.

They're not like. Hey, Kendrick, how is Saudi Arabia? I really like the way you're looking at me right now. He's like leaned against this. It's very, it's very sweet. Hey, no, I'm really comfortable. Hey, Michael. Hey, Michael.

No, so, okay, so without looking this up, do you think there's just a big long highway that they didn't finish? In Saudi Arabia? Yeah, did they lay down the concrete? Yeah, I think they probably I think they probably broke ground You know How many buildings did they put up in there?

Like, damn, we don't have We don't have enough water You know? I want to go hang out I want to do with defunct land That old YouTube channel Oh, they're going to see There's a comedy club

It's a great comedy club There's always people They're like, no, no, no, no Check out the Lafshack over in Saudi Arabia Don't tell Middle East Yeah Yeah

I'm doing a next stop At a brewery and Riyadh Yeah Go check out the Saudis laugh chuckle hut, fart, chuckle hut. The humor hole. Do you think farts are like,

because like every, every country has different like rules on humor. I don't think they do farts. You don't think they do farts in Saudi Arabia? Dude, I don't know, man.

You have to. You have to imagine they do. Amate a yogurt that they fucking eat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got to be funny. Yeah. They're like probiotic number one nation. Do you think farts in China are a thing?

I don't know if they can fart physically. I've never seen Chinese got fart. I think it's such a, I think it's such a high-pitched frequency. You can't hear it. Yeah. It's like a dog with a sauce. The tightest assholes.

My nose is bleeding off the plane in China. The fuck is going on. A satellite just crashes down. You can't get cell phone. It's a little Chinese. My ears are blown out. I don't know if you're Chinese right in, you know, and tell us if you do farts or not.

But I don't know if they think it's funny. Like we think it's funny. Yeah. Yeah. Europe, they're not even on farts that much, too. Well, I will say this. So I've heard that... European, like, American humor is so much, it's so much better.

It's so much superior because we make fun of ourselves. Yes. You know? But I've heard what it is. I've heard, okay, so, like, obviously, like, early humor. A lot of it is, like, guy wearing blonde wig and, like, coconut bra kind of thing. Okay, hold on. That's...

I'm ready that, too. Yeah. That stuff is still good. No, right. But apparently, like, that's, like, just becoming a thing. in like Chinese stand-up. No, really? It's like they're just getting to that.

Okay, so it's better than us. Yeah. So it's straight up, it's awesome. Yeah, so it's the best. Yeah. I've been watching Chinese like a, or Japanese, like,

so I turn on the TV. Right. And I saw my roommate doing this. They do walkthroughs of cities. So basically before bed, I just watch a guy walk through Tokyo at night. And it's like the most peaceful calming thing ever.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. I get that. I was, um, I was like drunk in a bar And uh Should I go off on him like in the video? Tell me God you go out

He liked something that I said him and he didn't even watch it Oh I didn't even Wow you're a fucking bum dude Yeah I'll do your podcast Just don't fucking be my friend outside of it It's a video of that guy You know that whatever podcast which is a guy being mean to 19 year old only fans Yeah I've been I love those

Yeah so called whatever It's called whatever And the guy's just like you're never going to find a job You never going to find a wife. Dude, I've been trying to do a sketch for a while where, like, Ethan, I'm literally wearing a wig, just a blonde wig, not even tits. Yeah, yeah. And it's the same backdrop. And Ethan's one, and Ethan's the guy.

And he's going, like, so you think, like, doing only fans is, like, a respectable job? And then it just cuts to me in a blonde wig going like, yeah, I think it's fine. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's the, I'm just the, the joke is I'm girl. You're a girl. I'm only fan's girl who has, who has me, who has my voice, which is saying. which is similar, similar voice.

Yeah. But, no, I like those. Can I pull it up real quick? I said it to you. Can you put it against the mic? Yeah. This guy's always just flipping on people. Like, he's, I mean, he's always just like,

he's like fucking 50 years old, just arguing with, like, hot 19-year-olds. Sure, right, cool. And this one's... It's great. This one is one of my favorites. If you could put it in the... Just put it against the microphone.

If you can get it. Yeah. Yeah, see, here's why I didn't watch it. Oh, yeah, the link is in. Yeah, you sent it. a link. Once it's another link, I was feeding my tomagocchi. What do you doing over there? What's that?

I was feeding my tomogachi. You're feeding your tomogachi? Yeah. When we explicitly told you before the podcast not to be on your phone, not to be texting, do you think that's the appropriate time to be doing that? My bad. What do you mean? You're bad.

Did you forget the pre-show instructions that Nick went over about not being on your phone? It's not on my phone. It's not a phone. What the fuck is his problem? You're yelling at a, 15-year-old girl who does porn right now. First off, just let the child do porn.

That's what I always say. Don't just let her do porn. Let that baby do porn. Let that baby do a little porn. Let that baby make her porn. Hey, y'all better let that baby do a little porn. Do not have her on your podcast. That's inappropriate.

That's disgusting. You jack off to that kid. Yeah. No. No, you don't. You let her make her porn. Just feeling out that. No, you let other kids

You let other kids jack off. You let her do that. And you let other kids jack off to her. Yeah. And maybe you disguise yourself as a kid. No, no. You as an adult, do not jack. Okay, okay.

Now hang on. I don't know where I'm on this. Yeah, where we play there. It's just, I love him just going off. I think she's apologetic as well. Does that diminish the degree? She thinks she's in school, right? Yeah.

She doesn't know the difference. She just showed up to a building and there's a man. And she's like, this is my new alternative school. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I'm going to take this back a little bit, but it's not letting me. It's so funny how he like just flips on. My bad. What do you mean, you're bad?

Did you forget the pre-show instructions that Nick went over about not being on your phone? It's not my phone. It's not on your phone? It's not a phone. Does that diminish the degree to which it would be disrespectful to be doing that in the midst of a conversation. Okay, here's your phone looking at your phone versus looking at your tomagachi. Are you just going to take no accountability or are you just going to sit there like a door? She said my fucking bad.

Do you realize, though, if we were having a conversation and you were on your tomagatchi while I was talking to you, that would be very disrespectful. You weren't talking to me. I'm in the middle of doing the podcast. If anybody here at the table is talking about anything and you're on your phone, that would be rude. It's why we explicitly told you before the show to not be on your phone. Now, if you want to do some loophole bullshit about, oh, it's not a phone, it's a tomogachi.

In practice, it's this exist. It's just so funny to do that and then release the clip. He's like, this is a fire clip. And it's just him arguing with a 19-year-old. Why is, why, they posted this on the whatever account with the caption, Rude girl gets called out. No way. Rude girl.

Rude boy. Rude girl. Why are you playing on your Tomogachi? No fucking way. Yeah, dude, that's crazy. How much a carty town with defeating the fake a mind? Someone need to kill that guy. I think we got to kill that.

Stop yelling at the children to do porn. Just let them do the damn porn. Let the baby make her porn. Your Honor, let my baby client make a little bit of porn. This man was antagonizing the children who make the porn on the computer. We cannot enjoy the young lady's porn and condemn her lackadaisical attitude that lets her make such things. The mayor. The mayor.

Man right here. May I approach the stand? Your Honor, may I approach the stand? Look how hot my baby climb is. First off, first off, mw-a. Thank you, Yohanna. I love you.

I love you. I love you. Crying. Your Honor, may I approach the stand? Going very up close to the judge's face. Be like, so what do you? What do you want to hang out of? So what's a...

This is not. How you get this? How you get up here? Going up to the... Your Honor, may I approach the stand? Going up to him, you're like, I don't like the other loyal. He's toxic.

He's toxic between... He's mean to me. Your Honor, the other lawyer was weird at a party one time. He's weird. And I didn't want to say anything, but no else. No, about saying anything. No, don't say anything. Don't say I told you.

He touched the helmet of my penis. Just the outline over my pants. He touched the helmet of my penis and you said, I wish it let's unbuckle this. I said, what? I said, what? What? All right, I'm going to go back to mine.

I'm going to go back to my chair. But before I do, I do not like that lawyer. First off, I say something, and he's disagreeing with me. Yeah. I work hard as well. I work hard. I wrote this whole case. I wrote this whole case.

I made this whole point, and he comes here direct with a direct. opposition as if he knew if he knew what I was going to say I screamed I'm sorry I'm yelling anyways those girls back there

let them do the damn poem I think he got black at the last second it was a southern man made some damn porn dude what is this this guy anyways we should

parody these videos yeah it's so funny because it's so funny we should do what should our parody instead of at whatever, should be like at, like, however. She should be like checking her insulin or something.

At fine, at okay, sure. Or like, who cares? At who cares? At who cares? It's just funny, too, to get that, have a serious discussion and say the word Tamagachi like 10 times. It's like the same thing as you're texting and your tomoggi. A girl that age having a Tamagotchi is like when a dude in like Bushwick gets a Verizon flip phone. Like, what fucking year is this?

Yeah. You know what I mean? My favorite comment, though, some guy I commented, it's like, yeah, but does anybody think about the consequences if she didn't feed her a tomoggi? You're right. You're right. So, Tomogachis, I never used one. It's like basically like the same thing as like a, like a, like a, like anything else. Like a meopet, right? Like you feed it and stuff. It's like anything else. You put it in your ass. It vibrates. It's like any object that I, that I come in contact with, it belongs in my ass. I trust you guys. I'm going to trust you guys to something really serious. I keep doing this on episodes.

Thank you, Michael. I'm going to pee. I trust you guys. Yeah, sure. Yeah, keep the momentum going. Because I don't want to cut anything. No,

we have to work on our parody for whatever. Yeah, me and you, yeah. What if it's like a four-year-old baby and it like, and it like blows on a pinwheel. I was like, so when you did that,

so we do that, you knew. Yeah. You knew. It should just be, what about it's, um, okay,

just to go off this baby thing, just building. Yeah. It'd be hard to get a baby. We don't know anyone with kids. Before your old toddler. Well, we know Mike Racine. We could just, yeah, we get fucking.

Oh, okay. Mike's kid. His son, yeah. Yeah, and we just yell at his son. We just got to get him to sit still. That actually is pretty good. So we could do that. Or we could get like four dogs and get them to sit in chairs, put headphones on and be like,

so when you pooped in the house, you thought that was like, okay. But can you recognize the extent to which being disrespectful? Yeah. And you posted that and you posted that on your dog's only fans? Yeah. Uh-huh. On your only, whoops. Your only dogs?

Your only woof? On your... Bonley fans? Boney fans? A little bit on that one. A little bit on that one. So it's four dogs. Four dogs.

With cat producers. Which is the extent of one... That's the equivalent of one teenage human. It's four dogs. One teenage girl is four dogs. I was like I left. You were fully laying on the cat. This is hilarious.

I feel like I'm in a sleep lover. You had shoes on. You were like a businessman up top and now you were fully trying to... I started with shoes on and a coffee. and I'm full on on the couch. Ready for soda. This is how we're going to podcast. Get here.

Ready for soda. I'm going to leave this right here. I'm ready to. This would be a good cover, though. Oh my gosh. I'm ready. Thumbail this. I'm ready to far.

Thumbail this. Like, you don't produce it and edit it. Yeah. No, I thought my producer does all that. You have a producer? Yeah. I said it to my buddy. Yeah.

Do you have a buddy who produces? Yeah. Fuck. What a cuck. This is going to be so hard to podcast like this. What else? What else? What else does he do?

What else does he do? I can't do this. What else does your friend do? Is he as handsome as you are? No. Buddy. Stop it. You're going to give me too much confidence.

I'm going to commit a sex crime after this. You're made me feel too comfortable with who I am. Boney fans. And we interview, we get our friends with a dog. We get them to come over. So do you see how that was disrespectful? But can you, but can you, can you seed the level of disrespect to which I was privy to just now when you lick your pussy?

see right in front of me. And then it cuts to a cat on the computer, like just producing it. Yeah. Just like, you know. Yeah. Just dry food all over the keyboard. Then if it's dogs, it's not at whatever. It's at a bark. Bark. Bark.

Never. Bark, bark. Bark. I see you guys. Look. Look, I'm a big picture guy. I see you guys throwing orangutan in there. Sure. I have a $9 million budget. Obviously, if we had, if this was on comedy, Central in 2003 we gonna get in Arangetta

yeah yeah yeah we gonna get an orangutan come on now fuck just rant those fuckers come on you really good Drake and Josh had y'all would you shit dude they would you just get monkeys dude back in fucking 2006 I'm not sure how to end this episode the family's kind of all astray

just wondering how we tie everything together at the end yeah how about a monkey was planting like whatever like a monkey was behind it yeah right yeah oh my god who's putting who's mixing up our mail it's bobo it's fucking it's bobo the fucking monkey yeah I have said this that that's where I do become very conservative

when it comes to ownership of chimpanzees yeah staunch conservative is in you should be allowed to have one yes fire oh that's that's liberal no no no no you're liberal with the ownership of yeah but liberals are No, no, you're just, you're getting it. I'm, okay, I'm sorry to, like,

come at you really quick, but you just think this is like a Republican thing to say, I think. Look, that monkey, because it's conservative. Well, that's a personal liberty. Is your right to own a fucking semi-scentian animal? No, no, no, but it's a very,

that's libertarian. That's libertarian, yeah, I'm on his side. But that, but it's very liberal in the sense of, that you should have the freedom and openness to own whatever thing. Conservative would be like, like, like laws and Right, but what I'm saying is

it is a, if we were to break down the Democratic Party Yeah. These are things they care about. Not having monkeys. Yes. They care about, they're trying to make babies.

They're trying to put implants on babies. They're trying to put implants on babies. They're trying to get babies. They're trying to get babies. Which literally is what Republicans think. And then they're forcing the babies to read to preschoolers. With those tits.

Yeah. They're forcing. And these- preschoolers, they don't even know how to read. Preschoolers with penises and tits reading the babies who are in line for their tits

surgery. And then I can't own a fucking cool chimp because it's bad for animal rights. But then what I ask? That is a repugate. But I don't think that's conservative. Conservatism is a synonymous with like Reaganism

and like button up Connecticut. I think you're thinking of like, you're from Florida. So a Florida, like a Florida conservative is different than like I think a Midwest or Or like Rob Schneider

conservative. I think if you ask any conservative in the United States, hey, if I want to buy a chimpanzee, should I be allowed to have one? 99 out of 100 would say yes. They would say,

yeah, just keep it away from my daughter. Just don't let it take my daughter to prop. And then it does. And it's wearing a cute little tucks and she's so happy. You know the sister.

And then you hear, and that's her daughter. And that's her. making the noise. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. There we go. And that's her.

And that's your daughter making the damn noise. Because she's a freak in the sheets. She is. Have her back by 10. It's chimpanzee silent. Yeah.

What's that? You said orange? Monkey just goes like this. Fuck you. Jerks off. The monkey drives away in the limo. He's driving the limo,

but your daughter's just left on your porch with no face. Yeah. Honey, when you said you had a new monkey boyfriend, this is not what I I was expecting. You know, it's really funny.

Every time these topics been brought up the podcast, it's not the same direction. I'm not just like an air, like an air bud subplot where he just like bangs one of the chicks.

He takes some kids spot on the basketball team. And some kids like, what the fuck? Fucks his girlfriend. You think that's bad. And he's like talking to his school therapist. Like, this dog is ruining my life.

What? Air enemy. Yeah, this. Air op. Air op. Yeah, this dog, this golden retriever, just literally... I'm going to ruin the fun so much right now. What?

This is an S&L sketch. What? Like a dog... No way. The chicks are banging the air, bud, yeah. When? Please tell me old. Please tell me 90s.

No. No. I barely watch Sadella. I didn't see... I only watched it's not to be too much of a guy. You only watched it when Shane was on. Is that you're going to say that? Yeah, I knew you're going to say that.

There are two good episodes of soccer. I watched Salome and Shane and I was like, honestly, the show's incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I like, people are complaining about. Because I like Timothy Shalame. Yeah, yeah. Yes.

I wish they would do like, when they just let random athletes. They did airbud banging chicks? Yeah, I am. All right, shout out to the S&L then. That's good. Way to go, guys. I thought I was stumbling on a new idea. Once a week, I think I got a great podcast idea.

People are like, yeah, and that's literally the godfather. The show is good. It's like a pretty good show. My thing is I just don't love sucks. It's pretty bad. sucks. It's not funny at all. I just accidentally did one thing and I'm like, they're not bad.

Yeah. Come on. You stole their idea. Stole their idea, but we can all agree they're not bad. You're just parallel thinking. You're like, they're clearly genius. I'm like, they're coming up as smart as I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Literally just with my buddies being like, what if air bud, yeah, boned, chest.

I'm sorry, they're at, they're also smart too. Those guys who went to the Harvard consortium of humor to write that joke. Yeah. And you, who's retarded. Yeah. Like, oh, we're too clearly. I'm like, man. we're all the same guy.

I'll see you at the Mark Twain Awards, guys. Yeah. I want one of those so bad. A Mark Twain Award, yeah, yeah. So I get up on stage and be like, you know, because you get to say the N-word if you get one. That's what the award is. On the bag of it, it says, you could say it.

Yeah, and you can get it by saying it so many times. No one's beating his record, though. Not even black guys. That's how many times he said it. Yeah, they start to get uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you see Will Ferrell's accepting speech? for the Mark Twain Award?

Yeah, it was a couple years ago, though. A few years ago, I think, like, 10. Yeah. But he, like, he gets his award, someone hands it to him, and he's, like, has in his immediately drops it. It falls into a thousand pieces, shatters into a thousand pieces. It's obviously a fake. Yeah.

But such a good bit. That's good stuff. And he's just like, fuck. I love. And I rewatch that, like, a year ago, and I was like, I love those kind of things. Like, like, Sasha Barre Cohen did a couple of those where, like, he, like, pushed that old lady and made it look like she died. you didn't see that one

it was like old lady in a wheelchair he like brought her out on stage and like pushed her and like so she yeah dude pranks are pranks pranks are good I also do I like even the bad ones dude because like pranks do borderline harassment and there's some pranks online that you're like

this guy's a piece of shit but this is really funny like there's one where this guy just goes up to people and just starts recording them and doesn't say anything and just that's fine so it's just like a business man like being like can you stop I'm on a serious phone bar right now and he doesn't say a word And it's called like a security camp.

And he just goes up to, and it doesn't say a single word, he just holds a phone to people. It should just be a nuisance. Yeah, yeah. They just be like, yeah, like, what are you going to do? There's this one where this like, this like kid,

he goes up to like women at Target and he goes, he's like, hey, can you record me? I need to make a video for my friend. And people, they always do. Well, obviously the only ones he keeps in, they do. But like, he is. He has thousands of videos of this. Thousands.

You can look up as... It's like some like... Like Latino kid or something like that. He's like, he's like, I need them make a video for my friend. Every person goes, okay, cool. And he just starts like sexy dancing. Yeah. And then his friends filming the woman from like another aisle.

And she's just like smiling. And they sit there and let him sexy dance for like... Like a minute and a half. And it's like... and he's like looking at them and he's like and then they're just like and then he goes

okay thank you so much and they're like yeah sure and then it's so good it's good every single time I was like drunk one night I think watching his page for two hours and I was like wow I could have watched a movie but well kids are like the funniest

because your brain it's weirdly creative I feel like comedically like some of the pranks I pulled in like middle school were like, like, this is so much better than anything I could think of like right now.

Yeah. No, I know. But one I saw was really depressing, but this woman, it's like a POV grocery store kind of video.

And she's like, are you Margaret or whatever? And go, yeah, it goes, okay, I don't want to freak you out. I'm not mad at you at all. I just, you're my real mom.

And, dude. I don't know why I'm laughing and this is really dark. It gets really sad. It gets so much sad. It gets so much sad. I don't want to take me.

mean you're my real mom. So, like, she finds her like adopted mom. Wait, did she believe her? She finds her biological mom. For real.

Oh, he. Wait. I'm laughing. Wait, and the mom is just, he's actually, she is actually his biological mother. Yes, a woman goes and she goes, I'm your daughter. She finds her biological mother.

She goes, she goes, hey. But she for real finds her. Yes, and she's really nice about it. She goes, hey, look, like, I don't want to bother you. You know, I know you did what you did. You did for a reason. And, you know, I just wanted to just. And she's filming this for content.

I don't know if she did for, I mean, yeah. Well, it's for it. You saw it, so it's used to be. Yeah, it's content. Yeah. By definition. You're like, I don't know. It's just on the phone.

I don't really know if it was. No, just like for Instagram and YouTube. No, I just had a million likes. There's also an ad in her bio. There is a, she was sponsored. I get wanting to record it. Maybe it was a home video that she ended up putting online. Yeah.

Yeah. But the woman, it's so sad. She's just like, uh, this is really inappropriate what you're doing. And, uh, I've, thought about this in a very long time and you need to leave me alone. And then there's another guy just in the aisle, he's like, I just heard that's really sad, I'm sorry to hear.

Imagine just being in the grocery store and you used to hear that conversation, you're like, fuck. Oh my God, dude. Dude, imagine, like, breaking, being the guy who breaks the tension. Yeah. Like, I farted while that was going on. The guy's just out of the greatest fartness.

I heard what happened back there. I just want to say, you're really beautiful. I just think you're really sexy. I was wondering, I got my car out back. I don't know if you want to, I don't know if you want to fuck me I just saw what happened. I just, I had a bonner before, but I still Can you just hold my phone for a second?

I just saw what happened. That's really sad, but on a completely separate thing that it's nothing to do with that, I really need someone to drain my balls right now. I just need someone to train my balls. Retard orphan gets owned and targets. That's the whatever podcast. That guy is now going.

That guy's still like him. Yeah. Yeah. Retard. Ruffin gets abandoned for the second time. Even more retarded guy picks her up afterwards. Americans are pregnant. I have faith in humanity restored.

Gets her for charity. Get her pregnant for charities. Yeah, I've seen that video. Yeah, I love that. Dude, I was so fun. I like that video a lot. I like a video a lot. Yeah.

Have you ever seen this? one's really stupid, but guys, it's always like a Lowe's or a Home Depot. They'll take like a big plastic trash can and they'll put it over a guy's head and then they'll put one on themselves. And the guy takes up, guy, he's like, what the fuck is going? And then he goes, what the fuck?

What the fuck happened to us? Gassolites the guy. As if they both did it. Like, oh, dude, we got a mystery on our hands. Yeah. I love that. What about the one where, uh, dude, now we're just doing Taj.0, but, uh, but talking about it.

You know what? I don't. No, visually. There's nothing else I want to talk about You know the umpapio Mueneno guy? Yeah he dude He fell the fuck off though

But he Um pabi Mianno Dude he had a moment in like 2017 Where he was gas But now he's fucking He's a loser man And Wobabio

You're watching this man I don't care that I said it He's just He's just him looking at our feet Right now Yeah dude He's like a toe of a man Hope he likes these toes

I hope he does Anywho, oh, the ones where it's like a buff guy Like showering at like one of those outdoor beaches In like L.A. or something like that Like you know where they like there's it's just like an outdoor beach and it's just on a wall? So I know what you're talking about. I'm curious to see where this goes. Yeah, he's like showering. He's just like just took a dip in the ocean. It's like one of the beach showers And then someone is just like over the wall like dumping more soap on him.

That's so funny. And he's never running out of soap. And then he's like come on. And it's so funny because it's like with all that it's like a bodybuilder guy like on um whatever that beach is in Los Angeles yeah on muscle beach muscle beach um and um it's like

it's like he's trying with all of his muscles to get this show that is I'll say dude it's crazy and it's like no matter how many muscles you have dude there's just a there's just a 16 year old white kid putting more Just out of frame. Just putting more soap on you from above.

He's like in a tree. That's like a metaphor. That is like a... Yeah. No, dude. But here's the thing, dude, it's like funny. It is, I will say like, it is funny for like 10 seconds, but the video lasts for like two minutes. And you, and as like a guy and I, as a guy with empathy, no, I'm like, as a guy with empathy, I'm like, I'm like, dude, stop putting soap on the door.

He just... In the comments, stop. I'm like, dude, don't seriously stop because... Leave him alone. This might last forever. And this is like a hell that I couldn't imagine escaping. That's so fucking. Because he thinks he's getting it off in the water.

He's like, and he doesn't know where to go, bro. He has no idea. He's too buff and stupid. And there's just, and this kid has like one of those like dog, those dog gallon things of soap where it's like extra soapy. You ever give a dog a bat? Oh my God. Yeah.

Well, the thing is like I, I feel like I'm one of those guys that I just, I leave the shower just covered in soap. Like I got it. Fuck it. Yeah, I'm like, whatever it's clean. I don't know.

That's one of the, I'm just one of those guys who leaves the shower covered in soap. She's like a big beard like bubble bath. Quote that. Quote that right. When Michael dies.

I'm just one of those guys. And we put his picture on the Oscars, which I'm going to pay a lot of money to do for you, by the way. I'm going to try and get a go fund meeting. go, hey, if I get a million dollars and donate it to

the Oscar's choice of charity, which is sadly Israel, can we I don't not, I'm just saying that's their charity. Can we put Michael's face up there? Yeah, I'm just, no last name. And Michael good. And you'll still be alive, by the way. I'm just going to, I'm going to do

this when you're alive. Well, I've already decided how I want to die. Yeah, I'm just doing this two years from now, I'm going to raise money. Just in black and white with like a blur over. Yeah. I'm one of those guys just leaves the shower. covered and soaked. I'm probably dying. They should do that for the Oscars.

Just get one random guy in there. Yeah. Somebody who died. Someone who's a lie. They should do every fireman who died on 9-11. They should add all over there. And then one racist thing he said. Yeah.

Yeah. But yeah. I want them out of my neighborhood. I'm not saying the monkeys. They like, you know, sometimes. Yeah. And they doesn't finish the thought.

They don't want to finish the thought. I'm not saying that monkeys. I'm just saying, you know, they're in my neighborhood. They eat a lot of nuts and they're climbed trees. Talk about Biscuit. Did you see the Joe Gatto thing? Yes. So, holy shit.

Let me just clear. I did not get to explain how I want to die. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think everyone's going to think I'm going to kill myself. I don't explain it. Right. Rob Schneider post the picture of him with an AR-15 and he goes, for all you guys that want to vandalize my Tesla, and I think I might vandalize Rob Schneider's Tesla. So I could get murdered by Rob Schneider. Oh, yeah. Would that be the best, just him unloading into you with an A-O? Yeah. Yeah, and we're just all at the bar like,

gee, you're Michael Good died. Shot by Rob Schneider. Yeah, Rob Schneider mowed him down with his AR-15. He's putting multiple clips in, like one goes. He's got bandoliers. I'm just dead, just still, like, my body's just shaking.

Yeah. You just have your Instagram live going. You're just like, one last reel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Suicide by Rob Schneider. That would suck. I would say something before that I would miss quotes

Yeah the Joe Gatto thing It was really funny because Who is Joe Joe Gatto is the impractical Joker Joe The gray hair guy with like the chipmunk teeth Yeah He raped

He raped Allegedly No way Allegedly he did rape You're right Not yet proven But like allegedly Allegedly

What if this is a big And practical joke Pulled it out again And put it back in again Yeah I know someone's already said that Like not allegedly Tommy raped

It's like that's an allegation Right Yeah exactly For real He's allegedly a rapist Oh wow Yeah And the

And this isn't Giselle Valcano in a dress. Online. Okay. Okay. Now, cheat on your wife with a teenager. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

They're in the van. Yeah. I was like, you're very beautiful. Cracking up. Yeah. That's kind of the only joke you can make about this. You're not one of my friends doing a prank, are you?

No. Just getting sucked off by itself. he's gone insane but the quote is variety this is like the wildest thing I've seen anybody misquote so he was like

the variety like article says uh Joe Gatto responds to sexual assault allegations I'm working on myself but if you read what he says is he goes I've never

so he was cheating so the article they go you know whatever he goes he responds the allegation by saying every relationship I've had has always been consensual. I've never had unconcessual relationships, but I am working on myself, which I assume is in

to him cheating on his wife. But they wrote the thing saying I'm working on myself. That's his response. Did you rape? I'm working on myself. Which is a crazy misquote. That's like insane. That's like being like, hey, did you rape somebody? It's like, no, I've never raped people.

Yes, have I had sex with people that aren't my wife? Of course, but it's all been consensual. And then have you raped people? My good says, yes. It's like you can't. You can't fucking misquote that. That's crazy. Have you raped anyone? I'm dieting.

I'm trying to get a six-pack. I'm currently trying to get a six-pack. Have you raped anyone? That's hard out here, man. Yeah. I mean, every day you do a little better than the next day. Oh, so a lot, a lot of raping. So you raped every day.

Have you raped anyone? Netflix raised their prices to $15.99 a month. I mean, are we seeing this? What? Yeah. Quote. Quote. Have you tried rocket money?

Yeah. I love that guy, that fat nerd who yells The people for being bad with their money. Have you seen that podcast? No. He gets like mentally disabled McDonald's workers. And he's like, Why are you paying $700 for anime subscriptions?

And they're like, I don't know. I don't know. And he's like, you're a fucking idiot. And now he's doing like rocket money ads. Yeah, yeah. He's like $13 to only fans. And the guy's like, Dude, I want to.

We live in the weirdest world. This is bad earth. This is a bad earth. I can't. But here's the thing. We got good earth, I want to say, until like 2013. Everybody feels that way. So, yes, 2013 was a solid year.

No, no, like 20, 2000. It could just be that we were 15 and then we started getting horny. I think it's almost 2016. I think 2016 is not a way. We're starting to fall off. Yeah, I think, uh... What happened in 2016? I ain't Trump to get elected.

I'm not, I'm not, this is not a political... I would, I would, I would go until, even 2019 a year before the pandemic, online started getting a little nuts. Yeah. I think pandemic was like, oh, we are on computer, we're in computer world. Welcome to, yeah, yeah. And pandemic was welcome to new computer world. But like, like, it was kind of good. Like, I like where we are now.

I'm the only guy that likes where we're at now. Like, the internet is funnier than it's ever been. I think everybody kind of stopped caring about a lot of things. Like, yeah, sure. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Is the Middle East getting, like, blown. But think about how much time you spent on the internet in high school, it wasn't that much for me.

I'm 28 years old. Dude, I brain rot now. But I mean, I spent time on, like, no, I spent time on, like, the computer, but I would, like, go home and, like, go on a desk. Yes. And, like, and I would be on the, and it would be. And you had to covert masturbate. Yeah, yeah, I would cover. At any given moment, be jacking off than 30 seconds.

I'd have music videos in the next tab. Yeah, exactly, right. Well, I would look up pictures on the computer online. I should have done that. pictures on my Verizon phone of the boobs go into the bathroom pre-shower, jack off.

I shared a room with my brother. You're so fucking smart, man. You wouldn't take pictures of online on your Verizon phone? I printed it. I remember I printed out one time. I didn't print because... And I put it inside my lava lamp

and then I would just whack off to it. That's good, yeah. I had like, uh, you know, you know, I was on a very early days of Pornhub. Um, there was a time when you could only watch five videos

and they'd be like, there's no more. Really? Yeah. What do you mean? How old are you? 28. That's how many there were?

Or that somebody they let you watch? That's how many they let you watch. And then you had to like subscribe. It was like a subscription thing. Born up wasn't the pop. I remember the first popular one was bang bros was really big. And then Spankwire were the ones that I was like. I never met the brothers.

I never met the brothers too. I met them through some other services, but I never met them directly. Great man. I never met the brothers directly. But their influences felt to this day. The bros were banging. Yeah. It's funny though

You're talking about clearing your head So I've been like because I've been going for crazy I've been to like two hour walk Every night I know that's but but just talk about porn And you said you weren't like I'm I haven't been I've been off porn for Like two months

Well Okay do you how does it Well you got a girlfriend too though I got I didn't get a girlfriend two months ago Yeah yeah Yeah yeah Yeah I mean I don't I don't uh I don't eat meat anymore

I just like uh just like kill animals I just get a brick and I smash I do have a girl It makes sex better If I'm not watching porn Yeah, I agree That my thing is if I don't jerk off I will go on a date with somebody

I don't want to hang out with And then I'll come and I'll beg I don't want to hang out with this person Does that make any sense? I have to, I think more clear-headedly If I'm coming. But that doesn't work for me I still want to have sex

Yeah Even when I bust I do too But I want to have sex with people I actually want to have sexes So if I come then I'm like Oh so you're saying You'll still.

My little brother's like that I was grabbing beers with him on St. Pat as the other guy week and he was like, we're just talking about, you know, busting and jacking your dick and just like normal shit. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm like, yeah, I'll go like, I can go like, I can go like two in a night. I can go like two, which is like pretty good for guys because I think a lot of guys dick suck these days. Sure.

And I feel pretty proud of that because I've also fallen victim to bad dick, having bad dick before as well. Sure, sure. So I get it. So I understand, you know. But I think I'm, I'm shooting pretty good, like good dick for percentage wise. But my little brother was like, I'll do, I'll do a, I'll do a far. five. Yeah, man.

He's just like, some guys are just like... Dude, those were the fucking days. And he's just like, I jack off and I just like... He's like, I just go... Like, I just keep... Even if I don't even want it.

I also use performance enhancement substance. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's 5 and a night. Fuck, I miss it. But he's like, I don't even want. He's just... How old is he?

26? Shit! 25, 26? Fucking goat. Holy shit. Yeah. Maybe not five... Maybe he's capping a little bit.

Maybe he said like three or something like that. I don't know. The most... More than me. I was just like, but he was just like, no, dude, it's just like, like, if I jack off, I don't want to have sex. Yeah. If I go out.

See, on the opposite, I do want to have sex, but I just, I become pickier. Oh. So my thing is I still, oh, that's good then. That's what I'm saying. That's why I jerk off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So my thing is this. If I, like, if I, oh, that's good.

I can, I can jerk off and still have sex like two or three times. Two or three times. I need to know what my other guys are doing because our chemistry is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So I could jack off. and still have sex two or three times at night. Yeah. But I won't. If I don't jerk off... The way girls talk about, like, their periods and pH levels. Yeah.

And die. It's just like, so you can jack off and then have sex how many hours later? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, but the thing is, if I don't jack off,

I will be, like, somehow rented a car next thing you know, I'm in, like, upstate New York, having sex with, like a 70-year-old woman. Have you...

Have you done anything, like, actually that crazy, or is that? I've done all kinds of weird, stuff, dude. I've been fucking pegged. That's fun. I've done everything fun. Yeah. To me. Cool. Dude, I would last time I did this podcast, I think honestly

the hardest I ever laughed on a podcast was last time I was doing your podcast when we were in your old apartment and you were just talking about how you like do you take a shit like in the bathroom? Oh, this is so gross dude. I should take a shit jerk off and

come before wiping. Bro, people are going to see this. people are going to watch this I just jerk off shit that's terrifying come and then be like all right time to wipe up both sides your G spot

covered in shit just your prostate freshly just touched poop and then coming that's grotesque dude oh wait wait wait you guys know about getting a poop boner do you know about this

yeah that's how it ends yeah that's awful then I had that one once I fucking, I had a poop boner. Like I shit and then I beat off. And then when I came, I got such a bad headache. I got like, I saw like stars. I had a concussion.

I was so, I was like, 14. I'm like, I can't tell anybody. But I think I have to go to the hospital. Oh, man. It's so funny. Women are like,

women have like podcasts where they're like 20. It's like a 35 year old woman talking to like, like women who are like listeners who are like 24 years old. And it's like, ladies, this is what you do to come. And I know it's like difficult to feel comfortable. and guys are like, so I pooped, came, head hurt, saw stars,

I went out to there when my mom came back. Dude, I did that at Niagara Falls. I did all that and I saw, I saw Niagara Falls. It's pretty nice. And then women are like, men are so dumb. And it's like, what do you fucking think is going on? Yeah, yeah. I just pooped and came and ate a burrito.

I feel crazy right now. You want to ask you a thing, I had to take those paper towels out of my bedroom. I had him next to my bed like fucking I was eating wings in bed but it's just fucking whacking it Oh yeah Sure I've been there Yeah

So bad Yeah I feel bad when girls are like They'll go to a mic And they're like It's just all stupid guys Talk about their dumb dicks I'm like We don't we don't fucking do that

Yeah We talk about smart fucking stuff We're smart fucking guys No but when we podcast it is But then podcast is mostly I shit out of my ass And I came out of my car Because I'm trying to do science

Dude I don't read enough like men's health stuff Like, no, and I'm being like earnest. Yeah. I'm being real. I'm being real right now, man. And I don't want anyone to fucking, like, make any jokes. Yeah.

I don't read enough like men's health stuff. So I need to know where everyone's at. Yeah. What the possibilities are. I need to know what the possibilities are. I need to know what my guys are eating. Workout routines. You don't know until you try it that you can come after you shit.

Yeah. You don't know. It's a science experience. Yeah. And it's funny. It's like when you're in the diner and you're putting sugar and salt in the water. It is. It is funny.

You know what, Tommy? Do you know it, Tommy? It's funny. That is funny. And you know what? It is funny to come after shitting. Yeah. Before wiping.

Yeah. Someone's going to phone school. That's funny. Yeah. It's pretty funny. Hey, kid catch, old comrag. Yeah. It is pretty funny.

Oh, no. Oh, no. That is pretty funny. Yeah. That is pretty fucking funny. And you know what? Thanks, Mean Joe. Yeah.

Thank you weird Joe Thanks weird Thanks come Michael Hey no problem Come Michael good Come Michael good He's covered in blood and shit And come

Throw out on the kid's face Yeah And but jacked And he's jacked He's got abs And he's six hundred dollars And he's have $600 not spent I feel like I'm gonna

Fuck a hooker with that money It's either that or alcohol There's no way I'm spending $600 all I want Buy a PlayStation 5 And just say The money's in the placeer PlayStation. It's going to be a hoker.

All right. I will say this. Dude, go pick up a girl at the fucking, it's at a wedding. Yeah, but the plan is, it's a bachelor party. Right, so the plan is, I'm going to get cornrows again.

That's what I'm working on. God, that's so stupid. So sick, dude. I love you, bro. Yeah, I'm getting cornrows again, and I think it might be hard to get pussy with the cornrows. That's why I think I should bang a prostit.

White Michael good. When I started coming, I was young. Which ones is this? White Iverson. Oh, yeah. But I said White Michael good. That's good. When I started coming.

I was young. I just started saying that. I think that's like a white version of me. Yeah. I'm saying that. But was it real quick, the thing I was fucking doing. So, as I said, I'm taking these two hour walks. So, because I'm the same way where like, I'm just like, jeez, blah, blah.

And I'm like, you know what? Maybe, you know, I'll clear my head. And I stop listening to podcast. I walk for two hours. Like, maybe I'll have joke ideas. And there's literally nothing in my brain. Oh, really? There's literally, it's done right now.

For two weeks, it's been done. There's nothing in my brain. I get angry. Yeah. Okay. actually really relate to that when it's solo. Dude, I write so much when I'm with my friends. Yes.

Yeah. I think, like, I feel like we already came up with two things that I wouldn't have come up with before. Dude, on Sunday, dude, when we like... You'd be funny if I made that sketch, but I was like, what are you talking about? I was in the bathroom the whole time. I couldn't hear you guys. No, but, uh, um, uh, call your friend. Like, call, call, call a friend who you can just like, uh, like...

Chop it up with that's what I'll try to do. You have to like really like rant about like and go like really stupid. Yeah, call me and like just talk about like dumb shit for like Yeah, last time I called you I was like What the fuck happened last night?

Oh my God, that was so funny dude. Dude, can we Can we end the podcast with that video? You took of your, that you took of your show? Sure, yeah, yeah. Dude, we did a karaoke after uh,

my, my girlfriend was in this like 100 sketch show. and Michael's friend was in the show and we just met at the show. You were there. I hadn't seen you in forever. Started with a couple beers. Yeah, had a beer at the show

and I was like, you know, my girlfriend's show and I'm not going to get drunk and then I saw you and I was thinking about this because I was hung over at work. There's nothing that like brings the dog out of me more than like a guy I haven't seen in like 10 years. You're like we don't get to drink that much together

so I should get hammered. And then she was like, we're doing karaoke after this and I was like, okay two green lights just went off in my head to get drunk yeah and also I was like a pretty appropriately drunk like I went we went home it was like like like first thing I said I was like yeah I went home with like my girlfriend last night and then Michael was like oh no did you guys fight and I'm like no and you're like good dude because we were fucked up and I was like honestly fast. Honestly like I'm glad we did I'm grateful yeah I'm honestly like really grateful I was like

being good on autopilot um that's what I love about black out when I'm not in a relationship. I'll wake up and I'm like, oh, what was I lots of fun last night? And nobody got in trouble. Like, I used to be like, did I cheat? Did I do this, that? And it's like, I fall asleep with my clothes fully on. Yeah.

And I'm like, nothing bad happened. Yeah. Dude, that was so. But then we, yeah. That's an under. I'm under exaggerating. Some bad things happen sometimes. But dude, but dude, uh, you stayed out for like three more hours, four more hours.

Yeah. So I went, because that's the thing. I called it at like 1 a.m. I think. Yeah. I was after we got. Because we got food after that, I thought. Yeah, we got food. up with him. Yeah, we met back up, we did karaoke.

Yeah, because we had a lovely Chinese meal. Yeah, we had, and I, and that's the thing. So I had like my third drink at the, at the dinner. So I was like, I'm feeling good. Like, I had three drinks, had a really nice glass of wine, a good Chinese meal. Four loco's come out. So, dude, shit. Yeah, I down for loco with you. I down wine with you.

And then I meet some, some guy like, like my comedy at the place and then wanted advice. And then I was like, come on, let me talk to, man. And then I bought two bottles of sake for us. And I just crushed sake with him. And I was like, you got to write some that you think is funny. Drunk, all the advice you did. It's like literally what a fucking fourth grader would think stand-up advice is. Like, oh, white something you think is funny, I think.

Yeah, yeah. You know, like really saying some bullshit like that. But it was great seeing you. And then you sent me a really fucking funny video of, like, you outside a bodega on the street. You got it. You can put it up the microphone. So what happened with me was I got really drunk, and then I was like, I should buy ketamine. And I bought ketamine, snorted way too much of it.

Got in a cab, completely lost track. I have no idea what dimension I was in. I couldn't tell the cab driver where I was going because I thought I was from a completely different dimension. So I was like, it wouldn't even make sense to explain to you where I'm going because I'm not even from this dimension. So he dropped me off deep in Brooklyn. And this is all pieced together by videos and text messages. and also I don't think it's gonna it's gonna sound all fuzzy

Oh that's not working anymore yeah Yeah it's working for her bit No no it's just gonna sound fuzzy It's been like that's cool Oh I see yeah But uh Yeah no I spent two hours It wasn't even having fun

I just spent two hours trying to find my way home I got dropped in the middle of Brooklyn There's a guy who put me in a cab And he took like a selfie This is me talking Dude This is hilarious Jesus

You are gonna No we are We are In every I'm just, for people that don't know, I'm just looking around. How are you saying? I'm sorry, but like, you are like mentally handicapped brain. It's insane, dude.

Like, this is like, you're a not an able-bodied person right now. Like, he goes, you were making a video because you thought of a funny thing. Like, you thought of something funny. Wait one more time. Oh, I'm going to make a little, like, selfie video. Yeah. And then you completely like. The brain just goes white.

And you... Dude, look at this. This is hilarious. You are going to... No, we are... We're in a... We're drinking around. I'm just looking around me.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I will say this. I'm going to make a... I mean, other than not drinking for two months, what I am going to do is... Is this me doing... getting me in the back of a cab?

Yeah. Funny as fucking song that could be playing. Ew. I liked the key. That was just some advertisement for something. Yeah, for ketamine. Yeah. What did the guy say?

Some guy just, hey, I hope you made it all home safe. Put, put, uh, some just like guy put you in a cast. Some random guy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's so fucking cool. But, uh, yeah. The adjustment I'm making is I'm never doing ketamine if I'm not around people.

My idea is, I, no, you're not supposed to do ketamine when you're drinking at all. I made that mistake once But I didn't drink as nearly as much as you did that night I've had so many good times doing that And I will not stop doing that But what I will do is It's so dangerous

You can just like fucking leave your body Like I don't know I don't like it I really like to stay present Like I actually like drinking Because I feel like I connect more It gives you the illusion of like

Connecting with strangers and others And so like that And I is why I don't like weed Because I feel dissociated on weed Yeah but you do a little bit of ket of me With some people When you start dancing dude It's a good time

I see, that's the thing. If I'm going to do a little drug. The problem is I took too big of a bump, and I wasn't with people. Because I split from people to go buy it, and that's what the problem was. Because then I was like, all right, well, I'll hop in a cab to meet everybody. And then I got in the cab after snort again, I was like, I don't know where I'm going. If I'm going to drink, I'd rather do a little molly. We're different people.

And then you're just like, dude, I love water. Yeah, but then a hangover. Kennedy gives you no hangover. That's true. But then I, but then I literally go, where's my phone? Where's my wallet? I need to go home. That's me.

Yeah, yeah. You know, but... I'm so fucking jealous you guys. Teach their own. Are you sober? I'm sober completely right now. Yeah, how long have you been sober for? I can't do any fucking drugs.

I've been sober for a... Not even a week because I had a beer on Sunday. I had one beer on Sunday. Oh, is this? We are over... Do you guys have to be... I mean, I have nowhere to be. I'm not to keep going. Do you guys have to be anywhere?

No, I think we're just going to go to flop house. Okay, so let's continue the... So, how long are you... But do you like drugs or... I can't do any drugs because it would flip me the fuck out. I just like, yeah. I've never smoked weed. in my life. Never? No. And it sounds

so fucking cool and fun to like do that kind of stuff. No, it's not when you're in it. It's only fun when you're a kid. Sure. If you have a, I think you have a brain closer to mine. And I, uh, I, but unless I'm completely wrong, but I don't think we'd, I would, my bet is I don't think weed would be good for you. I don't think any of it. I get debilitating like hangovers from just alcohol.

If I get really fucked up, if I, I don't even have to get really fuck up. I have like four or five beers. I'm fucked up for like two or three days. I was like, I'm fucking name myself. want to kill myself. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think the thing

I don't have that. I can't imagine the Molly crash out. Oh, yes. Yeah. I think I'd probably do it. Yeah.

I haven't done Molly and fucking, yeah, you would, you would do Molly, be so depressed. You'd vandalize Rob Schneiders. I just, I just,

I literally, I don't know, I literally, I just don't drink for days because I'm like, I just don't, I just want to keep my body like physically good.

And like my, I get my brain too, you know, but I can have four beers in, it's, you know, I'm going to have four beers tonight. Yeah. You know, because I didn't have beers. Yesterday.

I didn't have beer Sunday or yesterday, so I'm going to have four tonight and then I'm not going to have any tomorrow. Well, that's the thing I think I'm also going to feel. It's not going to have any on Thursday and then I'm going to have some on Friday. I'm going to feel so good drinking at that basketball. It's called hanging out. I know. Dude, I can't hang out.

I know. I'm a glass. No, dude. A lot of people, it's just so, it sucks for their head that you can't, if I, if I, if I I felt depressed after three drinks next morning. Like, I just wouldn't do it. That's why I really trying to. See, but I also, I have a really good job.

But, like, I've gone to therapy for anxiety for years and all that shit. I'm so good at talking back to my brain when it tries to be a bitch to me. Yeah. Like, I remember one time, this is drug later. I did a bunch of whippets. Sure. I interacted with some sort of, when I was a kid. Some sort of entity that was like, you need to stop doing drugs.

And I went, shut the fuck up. And I just flicked it off. And then I came back. in and was watching X-Men with my roommate. I was like, this is awesome. But I do have that part of my brain that attacks itself, but I've just gotten better at like, I used to smoke pot, and it would

just go like, you're a piece of shit, all this stuff. And then now I just go, oh, okay, I'm just high. And now I see it coming at me, I know what it is, and I kind of like almost like ju-joo it out of the way. I'm at a pretty good place, too. I can smoke a little weed with my girlfriend watch a movie, and I get just, I get pretty giggly,

but I don't really have a lot to say, which is actually good, because I think I talk too much. So I can take, I can take, like, one hit a weed, and I'm just probably, like, a little giggly or more interested in the movie than, but I'm like, I'm very, I don't, I'm not, I go a little mute and not that talkative. So this isn't, it's not a good social drug for me, so I don't do it. Sure. You know? Well, imagine it's a super good social drug for a lot of people. I mean, people are always, 95% of the time I find out somebody's high. I'm like, they're like, why did I do this? They, like, they, like, they, like, go out on stage and they get high or they're at a party. I'm like,

why did I smoke brother? I'm like, I don't fucking know. Why did you do that? But my girlfriend, like, weed gels with her brain. So like, she'll like, we'll go, like, she's being sober right now for a little bit. Awesome, great. So, but like... I don't support that for you. I think this is a pro-drug addict to podcast.

But she'll, she'll smoke, she'll take like a hit of her bong. If we're going out to dinner, she'll take a hit of her bong. And then I'll go have a glass of wine. And that is like kind of like a gel for it. Like, she gets a little like silly and then I get

a little giggly off a glass of wine and like that's like and then you're just animals and then we're just animals but that's like us meeting and then you're because getting from the back because that's what I say I'm done that's what I say yeah it's Tommy Tam

yeah my name it's Tomaham baby but she'll have like three glasses she'll have like a glass of wine two glasses she gets bad hangovers yeah you know what I mean Chinese no that is the literal yeah no she's said that before too. You gotta give her plum wine.

Maybe I should... Give her some plum wine. I'm sure she'd go bananas. Well, no, it's the alcohol, isn't it? It's not the beer. I think it's the alcohol... What is it that doesn't sit with... No, it's...

Europeans have generations of alcohol abuse and tolerance. That's right. You and her were to do opium. I bet you'd handle it better. Yes, dude. She'd clean house.

You'd be fucking thrown up and teleport. Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Because I tried opioids and it didn't It made me itchy whenever I'd done it It made me feel good but in a

In a way that It would be itchy when I stopped doing it I did a lot of I experienced with a lot of drugs when I was like a kid And then I stopped when I was around like 21 When I started doing stand up Opioi Opioi

What are we going? I stopped and then I'm Put the needle in my arm Doing it again a little bit But like I'm getting jacked dude You're not doing any of that crap No not I'm saying Start doing steroids

Yeah Start doing fucking steroids It's more expensive than the six I looked into it. Yeah, but... Steroics. I talked to some people. No, I think the...

What about O-Zempe? Ooh. I've heard it only curbs your diet. My diet's, like, it just makes you eat less. That's a huge part of the fucking... Yeah, but it's... Yeah, but it's... We made the argument I can't just do, like, starving myself abs.

I just... Like, they have to be, like, legitimate. Also, you don't... You won't... No offense to your body, but, like, it wouldn't look... It would look weird. It wouldn't look good.

You would look like malnourished and not you need, you're gonna, you're gonna get like a healthy, strong, sexy build. The way I'm doing it. The way you're doing it. Do you know what I mean by like, because I'm, I watch wrestling. John Cena abs where they're like, he like is ripped, but he's also just kind of like square shaped. Right. Like he doesn't have, he doesn't have like that hot, like triangle figure. Yeah.

He's kind of just like a fucking cylinder of, of, of, of, he's a strong man. Arnold would argue that he. Football player. Arnold doesn't have a six pack sometimes. Arnold would go, I have a four pack now. Does he still have a four bag now? No back in the day. Arnold Schwartz?

Yeah, yeah. No, he's... We're not... Arnold Schwartz? We're not... We're not doing that. Cumel... Cumel...

Not I'm trying to say all that. Camel and Schwarzenegger. The... So funny. No, he had abs. He had abs. Right, right. My favorite, Arnold...

Oh, yeah, but he's not like an abs... He's not like shredded. He's less abs than you think he is. Yeah, it's like stomach. But it's like giant. Dude, guys have weird fucking abs now. You don't want these... Yeah, these 17 packs.

Yeah, yeah. But my favorite Arnold video, there's video of him, some of these guys are just retarded. Like, what I do is I have to trick my muscles. So my muscles thinks, oh, he's going to start with 200 pounds. I start with 300 and do four reps. And then I, it goes, my muscles go, oh, he's going to do bench press next.

I don't do bench press next. I do shoulder. It's like, he thinks he's fucking tricking his. Yeah, he has a personality disorder. He's so fun. Yeah, it's like if you're doing steroids, eating last, and work out for eight hours, you're going to get jacked as fuck.

Yeah. It's not going to I remit about this. God, he looks awesome. But he does look sick. He looks good. Well, he was also a big beer drinkers. He's drinking beer throughout all this. That's what I'm saying.

These guys were all drinking beer. Yeah, yeah. Which is that, that is... Jordan, Jordan, would... Literally... Michael Jordan? Michael Jordan? What Jordan was ever raped?

Huh? Jordan Jensen. Jordan Jensen. Jordan Jansson. No, Jordan von Strangle from... No, Michael Jordan. After games, he's always just having a Miller light

and smoking a cigar. in the locker room. But he was never ripped. I mean, he was like a buff. Bro, Michael Jordan was as the perfect. Like shredded? Or he's like, he was like a buff dude. Like he was in shape.

Dude. All these words, by the way, have like different meanings. I guess so. Yeah, and that's why this is hard because my buddy's like, you're gonna have real washboard abs. I'm like, okay, but what do you call?

Like, what is that defined by? Yeah. There's two judges. There's another guy. Wolverine abs. Like the fucking wets. I think as long as you can clearly see the abs that counts as watchboard abs.

Just get abs, man. I mean, I don't know. Is this shredded? Let me see. He was definitely in shit. I'm saying there's like a lot of abs. Also like, like, black babies have abs.

Like, it's one of those things that they naturally black people have abs. I wouldn't even say LeBron is shredded. What the fuck? Dave Bluntz has abs. You don't know Dave Bluntz is? Dude, not a lot of, not a lot of picture of Michael.

He's got abs. Not a lot of picture of Michael with his shirt off. Yeah, they didn't really get the tarps off like that. Can you just DMM and just ask him to send one? is what you do you type in Michael Jordan workout and then and then they bro look at him he's fucking is this him no way I think I gotta get oiled up I think I think the oil apparently makes it pop

yeah that's him that's him that's his rookie year though I'm assuming oh yeah yeah yeah we are actually that's right when he shaved so that's uh his head so that's probably uh 1987 probably I don't know I think I feel like he's dead probably 19 he's still alive but he's just not doing a lot of What do you mean he's not doing a lot? What do you want him to fucking do? He did everything.

I know, but I want him to like... He like literally changed the world. I know, but like, can he be like every other celebrity and start like speaking about things again? Yeah, you're right. Dude, I think it's so cool that he shuts up. I know, I'm being sarcastic. I know, but I know. I know you're being sarcastic too, but like it, like, I'm thinking about it now because everybody can't shut the fuck up.

You know? And, and we're not included because we don't have any fucking money. So we got to like get a bag first by talking. That's why we have to fucking talk so much. As we have to talk so much, I've got to convince someone to give you money. Don fucking takes it go viral so we can start a media company. But it's really cool when people get their bag and then kind of go away and shut the fuck up. Oh, I'm doing the Chappelle Africa thing, but not Africa.

Yeah, Ireland. Ireland. I'm going to Ireland. I get back with an accent. What if Chappelle came back with an African accent from Africa? I was back there. I can't do it. That is a British spirit.

Yeah, that's pretty good. Why did the Comedy Central school me out of my deal? Give me my money. They did not give me any. Dude, Jordan played for the Bulls? I was like he was a white socks guy. But, but... We are, we're almost at an hour and a half,

but do you guys mind if we cut this half? Huh? Yeah. I am getting very hungry. I like, yeah. Yeah, let's go. We fully missed Flapos. Who's hosting?

I don't fucking know. All right, whatever, that's fine. I don't want to go. Where can they find you guys? Please follow Ethan Mead Forever on Instagram and TikTok. Tommy Bear Time. And come to our show, Forever Time. Will this be out before May 2nd?

Yeah, this will be out Sundays. Oh, fire, yeah. May 2nd. Grove 34 and Astoria. Please come. We're going to have Adam Gilbert. Yes. And then other comics. Yeah, I think we just booked one guy so far.

It's actually a great fucking show. You don't want to try? This might be a weird thing. What if I just said my Venmo? Because there's a bunch of ho-y dudes. Should I say my Venmo and see if they fucking do anything? Really, the meat on Venmo, please. How many dudes do you got?

I don't know, but I think they're out there, dude. I get the comments. All right. I lifted my shirt by accident on the last one where I was like just showing off whatever. Sure. The first comment is like minute, eight, go to one hour and eight minutes. No fucking way. God, yes. God bless America.

Yeah, so Michael hyphen good hyphen 7. This is going to turn into me getting butt fuck for cash. But, you know, this is where it starts. This is where it starts. I'm so scared. I get DMs about feedpicks. I'm so scared to give me a little bit. Do you need cash?

But fuck me. Fuck my ass. I'm Michael Splittioni. Do you need cash? Come to my store. But fuck me. Ass, ass, ass. Do you want to fuck my ass?

You can trade gold for butt, cash for butt. Come to my store. Fuck me. You know?