Morning Good - Kim Jung Good - Episode 179

Episode Date: July 23, 2023

Ryan O'Toole and Johnny Salami return to the show for today's episode. They talk about brawling outside with hecklers, drinking at the day job, and the atrocities of General Butt Naked.Thanks to Johnny and Ryan for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes and hit their links down below for more.Johnny is on Instagram @johnny_salami33, so follow him as well as @thejohnnysalamipodcast. Ryan is on Instagram as well @itsryanotoole and hosts The Ryan O'Toole Podcast. He also live stream reviews items every Tuesday for  Amazon.com. Info on that and more on in his Instagram. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. Very good.

I love that. Yeah, by way, shout out to Tim's Bray. Welcome to morning. All right, we're talking about, I'm going to just, we're with Johnny Salami. We're with Ryan O'Toole. I'm just going to restart the story again. So I was added, this is a while ago. You asked me if ever see somebody, flex a gun on stage.

I'm to speed up really fast to the story. There's a comedy show. There's a white guy who talked black. And he basically, I'm just speeding through it so much. What does talking black mean? You know what it means. You know what I'm not. I'm not.

I don't know what it means. Do you think you can give me an example? He was like, yo, my bitch about do comedy. Shows his gun. That's how I talk. In his waistband, it says, y'all motherfuckers bit of laugh. I don't care if Dems is real laughs or fake laughs. And we all laughed hysterically because we didn't want to show.

Oh, so it wasn't even him. It was his girlfriend who was on stage. Yes. He wasn't saying y'all better laughing. That is hilarious to hold audience in Gumpboard. That is not a bad idea. That'd be awesome. To just like point at everyone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine getting heckled. You pull a fucking gun. Be like, you want to fucking interrupt the show, motherfucker? Well, one reason I don't, like, because I want to do it. I want to get like a fake gun that looks real and bring it to a mic. That's a great idea. But then I'm like, well, I wouldn't even, I guess I'd do it at a mic, but I was like,

I want to do it at a show. But then I'm like, you never know who's in the crowd. You know what I mean? Oh, you know, like, who's going to shoot first? this again. I did a show a couple months ago, and these kids in the crowd were like, I knew these were like weird.

They were about it and they were talking shit. They ended up getting in a fight. It was like two groups of people. It was at the pair. They ended up getting in a fight outside afterwards. And I was like, I wouldn't fuck with these people. Like they're sitting up front and like,

I'm like, comics were trying to riff with them. Like, I could tell right when they walked in. I'm like, these people aren't playing around. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I was like. And like, they were fine the whole time. They were fine audience.

But like, it turned in and then outside. It was like a six on five just like brawl on McDougal street with people getting stomped and like Yeah And they were just in the pale Like I'm like damn like they would It's always funny too

Because it's a comic you know I wanna stop taking shit from audience members But there's the case when you're like You won't the show You do whatever you like that Yeah I'm not gonna play that Well I was telling you I had an overcorrection with that Because like a couple weeks ago

I was at a show And they were wasted And I was like You know what I'm not gonna pander I'm like I'm gonna go up there I'm gonna do my jokes I'm gonna stop Because sometimes they're drunk

And you just want to be part of the party Yeah Just because you don't, you want them to like you so much. So I was like, you know what? I gave Graham Cooper this whole speech. I was like, I'm not, I'll ruin the show if that means calming them down and letting them know how I feel about it. Is this last night or a couple weeks ago?

This couple weeks ago. And then I get on stage and I throw all that at the window. There's like a gay guy. I'm like, I'm going to fucking suck this guy's dick later. Ah! And then I'm like, what are these guys the drunk in the back? Let's all get wasted to get just being a complete cartoon character. Yeah.

And then last night I was like, I'm not letting that happen again. So I overcorrected and flipped out an audience and called the table of women cunts. which was too much. No, that's textbook, man. That's what you got to do. Yeah, they've been being cunts, you know what I mean? Yeah, but it was one of those words

like, it was like, dude, they were like, so first off, I'm not gonna say the venue because I just don't want, I don't want the owner knowing that I flipped out of the table women and called them guns. You think he's fucking listening

to this shit? I'm not, I'm not dealing with it. I'm not the only of it. Can I say it? No, just don't say it. It's fine, it's fine. But, would you bleep it out if I said it?

Just don't say it. It's more effort to put into the episode. was this comic This is fucking bullshit This super Italian comic Kim Jong Good over here dude This Italian comic

Like brought a bunch of Italians in the show Because they knew him from an Italian podcast What do they talk like? They was like Yeah we're gonna see comedy I know I don't know how to do a good Italian They were like

I can't really either They were like Mario Bosco We've seen you on the Italian podcast Let's go check it out And they were awesome They were fun They were like a great group Yeah

Yeah I was enjoying Yeah yeah Those Guidos were perfect They were beautiful It was amazing It was wonderful But then these four women

What happened was like They were like Just on their phones Which was fine Like I played with it a little bit And I was like hey You know maybe quiet down back there And by like the fifth time

I was just like You guys are fucking cunt Like no funniness Just totally And the Italian guys were like Whoa Like they responded that way They were like

Hey They felt right at home Yeah Yeah Yeah One of them turned around and smack the girl in the face. No, I think that it goes two ways

to the talent guys. I think you either like respect women to like an extreme or you're kind of just like the other. Like I think it goes either way. There's no middle ground. Yeah, I mean, you might want to like warm it up a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know. Yeah, well, that's what it was like, I couldn't even like, it's so funny too, because sometimes you see comics and you see him like, freak on an audience,

you're like, come on, look at this amateur over here. And then, and then it happens to you. Because like, I had Adam Hamada, I was running a show one time Adam Mata freaked out in the audience one time. He's like, you guys are the worst fucking audience every. And he's like, dude, I'm so sorry.

I'm like, dude, I ran a show at Soloss for a little bit. And then I was like, dude, for me to ever think that I'm not going to flip out an audience is insane. So I'm not mad to you for it. Oh, yeah. It's the best, dude. And then I fucking, yeah, it was like, you just get so mad. And it was like, there's this New York thing where these girls, they think they're in sex in the city. And they just walk around.

And they think they're the only one. They're like, our group is like the group that does things. and we're like, we, boys, no thank you. You know, that kind of, like, attitude. And it was just, like, constant. And, like, it came to the point where I took their phone away as, like, a joke. And it was all fun. I was like, no, I'm taking this for the rest of the show.

And, like, that was playful. But then it just turned. And I just... Did you rip it out of their hand? How'd you get their phone? They were like, take it away from me? And I'm like, ah, you know, just joking. But they pissed when you got hold of it?

No, no. I was like, I have a lot of dick picks out here. I was like, no, but for real, you know, guys made me quiet. Like, I was so polite for so long. And then it's just like, and then it's so hard to go back into jokes after that. Like, I literally was like, all right. So anyways, you guys, and they're like, no, you just. Yeah, it's so hard to, like, tell people you're going to, like, cause a genocide and then start, like, telling jokes.

Yeah, yeah. You kind of have to, like, time it, right. Yeah, yeah. And it's also hard to convince the audience that I don't hate women. You know what I mean? I'm like, I just look at the table. It's like, y'all are cunts. And then women kind of suck around here, man.

For sure. There's a certain. And I thought it was a northeast thing, but I think I'm wrong. I think it's only a specific New York thing. There's like an ego to them. Yeah, but that's, there's dudes. And there's everyone in New York, though. Like, there's groups of guys in New York.

The way you said that they think, like, they're that group, there's a million of those groups that are dudes too. Yeah, there's a parallel. This place is like a fucking, it's like a fucking amusement park for people that are, like, kind of escape and shit. You know what I mean? Because you can come here and, like, create an entirely different identity. Oh, that is so true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah, it's like dress up. And there's, like, they, those women, they're just like, your equivalency is the guy who never like there's a lot of these guys who like they weren't a fraternity in college and they never stopped Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I still talk like a douche a little bit

but I'm not like there's a certain level where like I'm like broie But I'm not like the point where these guys are like Like they literally sound retarded and they sound like They're excelling so much air when they I don't know how to see they sound like they're gasping rare when they speak They're like, do we got that's bad, babe, babe There's like there's like cops that are fucking chads dude Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

They're like, yo, show me your fucking tits. You know what I mean? It's fucking crazy, dude. Have you seen the cops around here, dude? I saw a cop way top. He had a man bun and he was like, but he had the bald on the side and then the man bun

on the top. You know what I'm talking about? And I was like, that, look, you should be able to do any hairstyle besides that as a cop because you look like a a fucking douche. Like, dude, I've lived in Rhode Island and Boston and the cops were like super chill and most them were like jacked and like fucking

metrosexuals dude. And then I got here and I was like, dude, what is going on? I think there's so many people. Like, they need cops. Yeah, there's every kind of cop. It's a dude. so many different types of cops here.

It's fucking crazy. I've yet to see a trans cop, but I'd be curious. That would be fucking hot, dude. Just wearing heels. Just giant fake tits. I mean, cool, actually. I don't think I've seen a trans cop.

I don't think I've seen a trans cop either. No, but it's New York. We should start that approach. But that's the thing with New York is up to it. Yeah, we should. Well, I think the problem is, is like, there's really not a lot of trans people. That's the thing I think people forget.

Like, as much as all the trans people, shit's talked about. It's like, there's not like, it's not like it's like 30% of the population. Maybe. That's why I think everybody's trans now because I just spend on my time of Grantsville's. Like, every other person's transgender. Dude, I've seen some hot trans people, dude. Yeah, yeah.

Like some really good looking trans people. Yeah, yeah. It's like wild. Oh, that technology will catch up. We'll like, dude, not even without technology. Yeah. Well, it is technology. He's like a guy with a wig on.

He's like, dude, they're fucking, uh. There, dude, I, my, the last show I did in the, Long Island City, there were two transgenders there. And I was chubbing it up, dude. It was just hard on stage. It was wild, dude. I thought it was like a legitimate woman. We're going to clip that.

But once her voice came out, I was like, oh, okay, I see what's going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like, yeah. Did you try getting her number? No, dude. Why not? I'm just not ready yet, man.

You know, like, ready for what? I would have to get her nowhere a little bit. Yeah, all right, gentlemen. Are you what? It's weird. It's so funny seeing guys like that because like, you know, like, I mean, I meet a lot of guys now who are like, like, Patty Defino's like that. He's like, he's weirdly like, he was saying he's like grossed out by sex. He's like, I need to really know a, it's just so funny to hear a guy like that versus being, like, I don't know. Every guy I think of them as being horny pieces of shit. Yeah, Patty was talking about how, like, pussy's gross. I'm like, dude, what's wrong with you? Maybe Patty's gay. Yeah.

That's something a gay man would say. Yeah, but it's gross the same way like a dick's gross, though. Like, it's just, yeah, no, it is. Just a pussy by itself isn't like, it's a fucking open wound. Yeah, I do agree with that. You know what I mean? Like, piss comes out of it. But it adds up with Patty, though, because, like, Patty, like, once a week is just like,

yeah, man, just stop the sex stuff grosses me. Oh, yeah, he's gay. Don't get me wrong. He's gay. We didn't say, uh, yeah. We didn't say, he didn't say, he didn't say, he didn't say, gross.

He said eating pussy's gross, which is insane to say, dude. It's insane to say, but I get it. It could be, though. It could be gross. It is weird, though, because I'm also one of these people, like, I,

I'm all about, like, eat ass, you're gay if you don't eat ass, all that stuff. But then, like, period sex just grosses me out. Like, I don't know why, but you're,

yeah, I mean, there's blood, dude. Like, yeah, yeah, it makes sense. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, I don't think that's, I don't think anyone will ever say like, oh, that's not gross.

You know what I mean? I think if you say, if you shut down an opinion like that, like, oh, what are you talking about it's not gross? Like you're over doing for something. You know what I mean? What would you mean? Oh, somebody...

Like, if someone was like, no, you gotta fuck me even if I'm on my period, it's not gross. Like, you're like overcompensating for something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you walked into a room and you saw that, dude. A bleeding vagina? Just like people having sex

when the girl's on her period. Like, if you, walked in on your roommate or something. You saw that and just blood everywhere. I've done it. You know, and it's like, it could be a mess. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's almost kind of like like rejuvenating though, dude. It's kind of like, you know, not to do it on the reg, but just to do it once. It's kind of like. Rejuvenating? Yeah. You just feel like a new meterade. It's like, you just feel like you just like restart. You know, people like take shrooms to like reset. Yeah.

That's like to grow up. Yeah. I feel like I mourn through myself. My relationship, my dad is now fixed. Yeah. Something to talk about in like the coffee room like coffee break and stuff like that. Yeah.

I like the idea picture in you in an office. What kind of work do you do? I'm not a... I fucking hate the office. I would never go back to her. Because you are like... You are the guy

who says the dirty things by the water tank. I'm the guy who literally says nothing and everyone's like this kid's going to shoot up. People are like legitimately concerned. Really? Dude, I would go into the office

and legit not say anything all day. And then I'd be like, have a good night. It was insane, dude. Did you get fired? No, I was like one of the best boys, dude. Really? But I just put my headphones in, like, think about driving through the building and then just check out, man.

Yeah, you're big into car crashes. Dude, there are, like, there were moments where, like, I would be in the break room, like, making a coffee, and people would bring up weather. And I would legit not say anything. Yeah, those are also atrocious conversation. Yeah. I had that in my office recently where I was looking over at a guy and everybody's fake laughing. and I looked over this other guy who was like this black guy

and I just saw the look of pain in his eyes when he was like fake laughing and I was like it was one of those things I was like I know you don't want to be here right now Yeah I feel so bad Especially as like a comic I think you know fake lasts very well

And I was like dude You are painful Like you hate this right now Maybe I'm wrong but yeah Dude it's such a painful It should be illegal man To bring up weather Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Are you fucking shitting me dude But also I get like Dude I talk about the weather I'm gonna be 100% honest And I'm fucking mean what I say when I talk about. What type of shit do you say, though? Okay, he's scared slightly. You know, all this fucking humidity, all this shit.

Yeah, but he says it like that. So it's funnier. He's like, this fucking weather. Yeah, I talk about the weather all the time, dude. But you talk about it with emotion. The first thing I know. But it's like anything else. Some people talk about everything with how.

I'm just saying, back off of the weather, dude. I'm just saying, all right. So we're in a break room. You're making a coffee. I'm your boss, like the big swinging dick. I walk in. Hey, Ryan, hot one this week. Yeah, I was sweating my balls off, dude.

July 4th was killing me. I drank three beers, dude, and I was instantly dehydrated. If you said, yeah, you would get fired. Yeah. No! In a legitimate, like, corporate setting. I was sweating my balls off. You would get fired for saying you were sweating your balls off.

Oh, absolutely. My job would be fired. Oh, dude, I would get fired right away. I don't understand why people do those jobs. I really don't. I really don't. You guys are the reason to blame. All you fucking people who keep

in play, all you people who keep a applying to these jobs of the reason the world is just fuck. Well, that was the funny. I saw a job that was $16 an hour to work in an office, and they're like, and we drug test. I'm like, who the fuck is going to do this job? It's like, it's $18 an hour to work at fucking five guys. So why the fuck would you? And you can be high all in a-

You've got so much drugs at five guys. Be a good worker. Yeah, and you get great burgers. Yeah. And, uh, yeah, you- Probably a pretty decent job to be high at, honestly. Five guys? Yeah. Perfect.

Like, I'm thinking of jobs like, like, because I get uncomfortable. Like, I don't want to work high. I don't like doing it. You know what I mean? Yeah, I've done it a couple times. Not in my office job, but I've done it. I worked to a sandwich shop and I had this thing called, there was a thing called like the beer Olympics and where you drink it like.

So the way we do it is like, I don't know if kids have done that. Yeah, yeah. So what we did was like when you were pledging, you would stay out all night doing a scavenger hunt. So you'd go to like South Florida. You have to like jump naked. You're driving places? You're driving. There's one designated driver.

And, uh, no, there's one designated driver. There's one designated driver, and he's driving like... The designated driver of, like, three hours in, like, fuck it, dude. Yeah. Smash, dude. Dude, high school, does he's a driver do whippets because it lasts one minute. Yeah. It's best way to do it.

But you drive to, like, Georgia. You'd have to get 40s in Georgia because you can't get him in Florida. Then you got to go to, like... They don't have 40 ounces in Florida? You got to go to, like, this truck stop, strip club called Cafe Rescate. You're going all across. And you get back to the fraternity house at, like, 6 a.m. at the end of the scavenger on.

They're like, Beer Olympics is starting. You guys... And you just get really fucked up. But the older brothers would participate. So when I was an older brother, I participated, and I went to a sandwich shop. And I just, like, I pute and I took an Adderall. Is he a job?

Beer Olympic ends at noon, and I had, like, a 4 o'clock shift. So I was, like, just wasted. And I took, like, an Adderall. And we just having these really deep, drunk conversations. This is my boss. I'm just like, yeah, man, dude, I don't know. I didn't even know. I haven't picked a major yet.

I don't know what I'm doing. Just like... And then I've also got in high. But one time I went in high, and my boss started talking about doing acid. and I was like, okay, I'm in the right place right now. Yeah, certain jobs you could do. I picked up cigarettes on some jobs just so I can have a smoke break.

Like, dude, it was good. I know it was a family guy episode, but I would do that shit. And it was great because you'd be like, all right, I need to take a smoke break. And like, everybody else they would smoke in restaurants, they smoke so many cigarettes. Like, yeah, totally. Yeah, if you show up cock to like a job, it's a big deal. But if you show up high, it's not a, people would probably laugh, to be honest. Yeah, no, they don't.

I've seen a kid show up to a lecture high and the teacher called on him. Oh. And he started laughing his ass off. and the teacher started like crying laughing. Yeah. She knew he was high. I did that a few times. In high school,

I showed up so fucking stoned one day. And I had to give a speech in front of like my improv class. It was like some improvs. It was like a giant improv game. But the class had like 50 fucking people in it. And my teacher picked a random student. It was me. And I literally just got done smoking like,

it was the first class of the morning. I literally threw a fucking the end of a blunt while I was walking into school. and I had to do all these like improv games while I was high out of my mind. They were like, hi, Ryan, you're going to be a turkey today. Turkey gobble. Not too far from that, right? I did well. You and improv is hilarious today.

I did well. Supposing forces. I did very well. And then the next kid who went up there wasn't high and the teacher accused him of being high. It was fucking, dude. It was awesome. And everyone in class knew I was just, I was so high, dude. Yeah.

Because it was different. When you get high when you're like 16 or 17, it's, it's different than when you're like an adult and get hot. Like I don't even, I stop smoking weed. I'm like, I don't even really like getting high anymore. Yeah, yeah. When I was a kid. Real quick.

I'm sorry, I just, the woman out was the pair the other day. And this woman, she's like, are the impractical joker's gonna be at the show? And I go, no, I don't think so. And then I walk by the conversation later.

And she goes, yeah, I actually, uh, the impractable jokers saved me from killing myself. It's like, that is so fucking funny. And I was like, I don't know if she meant the actors. Like, she's about to jump off the bridge.

Yeah. And they did like a prank where, like Sal comes up as a genie. He's like, you got one last wish. Or she was watching the show and she's like, imagine she's seeing like just Murf, just goofing around and you're like, all right, I'm gonna put the gun down

and not fucking do it. I've never watched one episode of the impractical. It's fun. I've heard. I've heard. But it's just a hilarious thing to not kill yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, improv was weird.

I went to it. I was doing a show recently where they had like an improv group as opener and you forget how horrendous. Like, there are people that are good at it. Yeah. But when it's bad, it's like so bad. Totally.

It's like the person's bombing and they're like, my name's kangaroo Johnny. And you're like, the audience is like, this is. It's in a different way. It's a different type of bomb than stand up. You know what I mean? It's, it is like maybe more just as uncomfortable when like it's three people just bombing collectively improv. Oh, yeah. And they try to tap each other in.

There's always that guy that thinks he's better than everybody. So he taps him in faster. Yeah. Yeah, I've never done it. But if I was going to do it, I would definitely want to do it high. I don't even smoke weed, but that would be a journey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, I don't know, it could be scary, though.

I don't know. Yeah, I don't like doing anything that much like that high. But I've done shit drunk. Like, I've gone to work still drunk from the night before a bunch of times. Yeah. When I used to bartend, I used to that shit all the time. Bartender, you could just be drunk as a bartender. Yeah, but I did it one time.

It was during the World Cup in 2018. I stayed out. I didn't think I had work one day. And I went to the bar next door where I used to work. I worked like that morning. I got off like, I don't know, six, seven o'clock at night. I was like, oh, I can't believe I don't have work on a Saturday. It was like the first time in like three years.

I'm like, I was moron. I looked at the schedule from the week before. You know what I mean? Of course, I should have known. I would have had work. And the next day, I want to say it was like France played Germany or something. Just a monster World Cup game. And I found out at like two in the morning when the bar was closed and that I had to

be back in like four hours or whatever. And I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me right now. I was so shit-faced. I went to work the next day and I was just fucking throwing up and fucking. The worst is when it creeps in, no? Because I had that recently where I drank like super late

and the worst is when you're like I feel good and you can just feel like the little bits of it creeping and you're like, oh, I'm about to feel horrible. Dude, I showed up blitzed once to, I used to cut the grass from my hometown

at like every school in town. And this dude was like showing me how to use a ride on lawnmower. Nice. And he was like, yeah, like this is I use the handles. I use all this shit. And he was like, make sure you drop the ball.

blade so like you're actually cutting grass. Dude, I was so high. I drove around an entire like 300 yard field without dropping the blade. Oh my God. And I was like, all right. Well, that was cool like I'm done. Oh, she didn't even cut the grass. How long did it take? Dude, at least an hour

and a half. Oh, my God. So long. So what you had to do again? You just think about it. It was like three football fields and I was just doing laps without the blade being down. So what do you have to do? Go over and do it again? Like the next morning he was just like, yeah, like I didn't, like I noticed like the grass isn't cut. Like did you get to it? And I was like, it grew bad.

Did you tell him you didn't drop the blade? No, he kind of put the pieces together. That must be a fairly common thing though, right? I mean, typically like, you know, I probably should have looked behind me and like, oh yeah, like nothing's cut. Were you high as hell? Oh, dude, I was listening to a fucking small town by John Mellencamp. Just having the time of my life, man. Dude, that was the best job I ever had, man.

was just ride, dude, you would literally just ride these John Deere like $9,000, like $9,000 lawnmowers. And you just shred it, dude. You just put in your headphones and fucking... Dude, work like that. Like, I've done construction and, like, the... Some of it sucks, but I've had constructions where I'm doing, like, landscaping and it's so great. Throw in music and just, like, literally just take the... Yeah, I worked with, like, one of my best friends, too, dude.

And they gave us a town truck. Oh, that's awesome. So we would haul around the lawnmowers. That's sick. Go school to school and just fucking... cut grass, man. That's fucking bro. That's the problem. That's the problem is like, I would love a job like that now, but the hours are just so, like, I can't do a midnight show and then now coming at like 6 a.

m. Yeah, but if you didn't do comedy though, like I always say, like, working for the city, having like a city job, like doing shit like that must rule do. Bro, the hours are seven to three. That's a great. You get paid $20 an hour. Yeah, that's a great hours. Yeah. Yeah, I used to do that when I worked, I did like landscape.

And like, it was one of those things were like, I would do that. And then it was during COVID. And then right after. three, I would just start drinking white claws of my boss. We like lived in the same house because he runs a tree company. And those are like some of the best days of my life because like literally you would like you would cut, you'd be out in the sun all day

which is like shitty but it's also good. And then you feel so good afterward. Like once you late and then you just like we'd have a glass of water, we'd get some Chipotle after work and then you start slamming white claws jumping in the pool. And then you drink until like, this is like COVID so like there wasn't much comedy I could do. And then I'd

drink until like a fucking 8 p.m. fall asleep. sleep at 8 p.m. and then just do the next day. Dude, they would literally be like, you're getting paid $8 an hour. Like, don't take it too seriously. You'd be like, all right. They literally would say that. They'd be like, the treasurer, like, doesn't give a fuck about you guys.

Like, you're underpaid, like, just fuck around. And we're like, all right. Yeah. And then you could fuck around because your colleagues are fun. So, like, we'd be making jokes the whole time, like, having such a fucking blast. I was, like, so thank you. I was like, so thank you. Dude, it sucks that, like, COVID wasn't that long ago, but we're already already reminiscing.

Dude, I miss it so much. It's fucking, I remember telling people while it was going on how good it was and people like, I can't wait for everything to go back to normal. I was like, when everything was normal, it fucking sucked. Yeah, it was terrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is fucking awesome. Yeah, it should be like a holiday.

There should just be no summer, just summer hours for. I would look back at memories, though, like, when everyone was really isolated and I'd be like, dude, and I'd be like, dude, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah, it did get dark. It was kind of scary. Like, some of the stories I put up, I was just like, dude, this isn't even who you are, man. you're just like we need to kill Trump you're getting so

Jodia had like an Antifa just moment where he's just like Because like everyone was just playing fucking war zone inside Like no one went outside So like Everyone was on social media So people were putting shit up

Like You see I was the opposite I was getting high and going canoeing I was having like an amazing time Well you were in Florida though Dude it was the Yeah so like yeah It was normal down there

But yeah I will say job wise We were talking about But my favorite job I had Was being an Uber driver That was the most fucking fun job ever. How long do you do that for? I did that for like six months probably.

I don't know. It depends how much you drive. Yeah, but like game days were great because it would be a game day at my school and I'd be like, all right, well, the tailgate's going to start at 2 p.m. So, I mean, sometimes it started earlier, but I'll be like, all right, I'm going to drive from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. and just make a bunch of money and then just go tailgating all day. And it was amazing. But that's why the dumbest thing is like this Uber driver rule where they're like, people get banned from Uber. Like, it's like, if anybody needs an Uber, it's the guy who gets a

it's banned from Uber. Like, it's everybody's like, oh, he's too rude to the driver so he can't drive Uber now. It's like, well, now he's gonna be drunk in a car next to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I have a friend who got banned

for him, he fought an Uber driver. Like, he got out of the car and fucking fistfought. I'm pretty sure he got his fucking ass kick, too. Which is so funny to just get your ass kicked by an Uber driver. Dude, yeah. I don't know the full story,

but I heard he, like, literally was like, on the side of the road, fish fighting his Uber driver. Dude, which is such a hilarious to just be like... He got banned from Uber? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For life?

Yeah, and he, like, lost, too. So he just got his ass kicked. And then he can't get a ride home. He just, like, walk, like, probably, like, fucking 10 miles or something like that. There's no coming back from that, dude. No, dude. Cap drives have been dealing with that forever, dude.

You know, it's just... But it's like, if anything, that's the guy who needs to be in Uber's because he's gonna drive trunk and kill somebody. Because, like, that guy... It should be, like, a government-oriented thing. We're like, I don't know the answer. But cops should just be Uber drivers.

I went in an oob. Actually, that's going to escalate too quickly. No, fuck that. Yeah, I can't be right. I can't, you know, I was in an Uber one time, and I remember it was after, I was bartendant, and we partied after for like a couple hours. I got an Uber, we drove for about 30 seconds, and I told the guy, I was like, yo, just pull over real quick, and he pulled over.

Fucking four in the morning. There's no one on the street. We're in Boston. I opened the door and I fucking let everything out. And I knew I was done throwing up. I got out of the car. Nothing was in the car. I, like, just took my shirt off.

I let all this shit out. I was drunk, but it was more so I had an upset stomach from drinking. It wasn't like, and I went to go back in the car, and the dude's trying to fucking drive off, dude. And I had, like, my bag in there and shit. I was like, dude, chill the fuck out. And that almost escalated. And I remember I got like an Uber called me like the next day. And it was like, what happened last night?

And I explained. And you're like, he raped me. I should have said something like that, too. And then threw me out of his car. He said, how do you like that? I had a fucking deaf Uber driver, dude. And, uh, this chick had just. like this beautiful.

Take her right. Say what? Take her right. I was talking to this like ginger chick man and she was so hot dude and she like ended things and I was like super upset so I went out to a bar

just got like smash. Wait, what? Hold on. You were dating this girl? No, no. I was just like texting this girl and like I thought you were upset because you're dating a ginger. You're like what? No, no. I was just telling me you were dating already?

I was just talking to this ginger chick who was like beautiful and like way out of my league and I was like doing pretty well and then she ended things. Yeah. So to compensate, I, like, went to a bar and just got, like, smashed. Yeah, yeah. And I called an Uber to, like, get home. And we're driving the wrong way for, like, five minutes.

And I'm like, hey, man, like, where are you going? And no response. I'm like, dude, you're just like, can you answer me? Like, you're going the wrong way. No response. And then eventually I realized, like, he was completely deaf. I didn't hear anything I said. And so I started, like, waving my arms, like, in front of his fucking face.

And he would, like, finally. What did he just passed? he's blind too he doesn't notice the eyes dude I realized I got in the wrong Uber and I had to like write in my notes I was like yo just pull over just drop me off here

and he just dropped me off on the side of the road dude I had to walk like five miles home but you just call another Uber dude so I'm like walking over these speed bumps and like on like this dark road and I'm like maybe like I don't know like I'm pretty close to my house I'm almost there

and I see this car behind me like slowly approach me and it's the ginger chick who ended things with me Oh, she's walking on the highway truck as shit And she goes, do you need a ride? And I was like, I said, yeah Got in the car, dude, we didn't say anything to each other

She just dropped me off. That's better than... Never saw her ever again? Like, never talk about it. That's better than you being like, no, I'm actually having fun here. Like, like, I feel like I would have gone out of it. I would have been like, no, I don't fucking need a ride.

Yeah, yeah. Pick her car. Yeah. Then she probably would have hit you up afterwards another time, you know what I mean? Yeah, she would have respected me, dude. Yeah. Dude, those long walks are, like, terrible. Like, some of, if you're with a group of people, it's fun.

But we did one where, like, I think, like, the bar is closed. And we walked probably, like, six miles back to my friend's house. Oh, man. And I remember, it was like, dude, it was like four or five a.m. And, like, we were like, we got to get more fucked up. So we bought, like, gas station drugs. You know, when they're like, this is like, it's got, like, a weird, like, you know, some guy with, like, swirlies in his eyes.

And it's like, the fucking cheesemeister pills. Yeah, I don't know what these are. And my friend, like, crushed him up and snorted him on the concrete. Just like, just like literally in front of 7-Eleven, like, doing a line off of, like, a curb. And he's just like, I don't know if it's 5 a. And we just haven't slept in 10 hours or if I'm just really fucked up on drugs. What did the thing do you? We didn't get fucked up at all.

Some of those work, some of them, you know, some of those are crazy because, like, K2 was legal. And you could just smoke that and have a seizure. I thought they were all, like, bonap pills. He may have snorted boner pills. And I just rock hard. He's like, dude, I'm not even high. I don't even know what the fuck happened. But those are always funny too

because like I remember we'd come in. We had a couple nights like that. And those are my favorite nights, but you just feel so bad the next day. Like we had one where, um, when you wake up at like 4 p.m. and shit. Oh, yeah. That's the worst.

Dude, I like, uh, yeah, dude, we, we've had some fun ones. We, we had one where, uh, it's like, it was like, uh, we climbed all, or we stayed up like all night. like the sun's coming out and we're like we're going to go watch the sunrise on the lake and one of my friends fell asleep in a tree like he climbed a tree and just fell asleep in a tree and just fell asleep in the middle of the street and he's like joggers came out to him they're like are you

all right he's like yeah no I'm fine and then uh we walked into my and we ended up like wrestling in somebody's front yard who I think came out at like 9 a.m and it was like you guys got serious fucking problem and uh we climbed this like there's this wall and uh we did this like indianna jones thing we're like we're going to climb across this suburban wall and they're it's lining people's backyards. And we're like, we're going to climb across the wall until it ends. And we're just going to see how far we can walk. I think this may have been a different night.

And we're, we say like a thorn bush. We're like, we got to get through the thorn bush. And so, like, we're covered in like, like, just spikes and spikes. And then we're like, we're climbing through cactuses and stuff like that. And then finally some guys like, what the fuck are you guys doing? We're like, we're playing Indiana Jones. But we're like grown ass fucking adults. Yeah.

But, yeah. And the next days, you're just like, you want to kill yourself. Dude, I would do that. night, dude, if you guys asked, I would fucking meet up and shit. Where'd you do that? The worst, though, is when you hung over and, like, you think, like, bro, now my hangovers, I have so much anxiety the next day. I'm like,

I'm like, I feel like, every time I wake up, I'm like, dude, I think I'm gonna, I think I must have committed a million crimes last night. Like, I feel like I could go to jail. Dude, I have fake memories of doing things. Really? I didn't, I'll be like, you're not for sure, but you're like, did I punch my friend in the face? And, like, it didn't have, but you're like,

why do I feel like I punched somebody in the face? The other day, I was, I was hung over. It was day after July 4th, I was hung over as fucking hell. And I'm sitting in, I'm in my hallway. I was like doing shit and fucking change, whatever. And I'm sitting there, two fucking police officers show up at my door and I'm outside of my, I forget what I was doing. That's a terrible fucking hangover.

Right? So I'm, I'm sitting there. I've only been away for like not even an hour. And I'm fucking hung over. I see two cops in my fucking hallway. All my shit in my building was fucked up. It's like, oh, a whole thing. But they'll stop walking.

Was it you? No, no, no. It's like a just, I don't know who my landlord is, shit sold, all that shit, but my mailbox was all fucked up. And these cops come in and I asked these cops, I'm like, you guys bringing me mail like a moron. They have a big stack of paper. I'm like, I think they're serving someone a warrant. And then they walk past me and I'm like, okay, I'm fine. They go upstairs and they were just checking. I guess there was like some kind of domestic dispute upstairs and they had to like check in a couple days later. And I was with one of my friends. And I remember she's a funny thing to check in a couple days. You guys still fucking hate each other?

Okay, cool. Yeah. She puts her hand on my chest. And she's like, dude, you're fucking hot as like, she's like, what did you do where you see two cops and you're just like, your heart is like. Dude, I have the same thing, though. If I see cops, like, walk into it.

I think of the weirdest shit. I'm like, you know what? I saw a video on Pornhub. She looked young. I clicked on it. And I don't know what happened. And you're like, God damn it. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll freak out about that. Same when I'm at like the airport. I'll like. But they're all, they're really strict about that. Well, I have the exact. opposite anxiety, dude. Like, I want something crazy to fucking happen to me, dude. Because I just, like, I get so depressed.

I'm just like, dude, just give up on everything. But I, like, want someone to level me in, like, a fucking range rover or something. You know what? I don't understand that. Not all the time. You know what? Okay, I will have this. If I'm, like, on my way to work, I'm like, dude, I hope I get hit by a car and

I can go to the hospital and not. Like, I'd rather be in the hospital right now than go into this fucking office. Well, there's a tight line where it's like sometimes you kind of wish you could get hit by a car, but not seriously damaged. But then make a big deal about it. just be like, I can't want to. No, no, I can care less about that, but just sue the insurance company.

You know what I mean? Like, if you get hit, like my dream, my, I shouldn't say my dream. I really don't want it to happen, but if it were to happen, I'd want to get hit by like a cop car or like some kind of city car in a crosswalk

while I was allowed to cross. That's like the ultimate hit in the lottery. Yeah, you know what I mean right there? Because it's like, no one's going to get hurt or anything. Like, no one's really going to be in trouble. are just going to give me a city will just give me a fuck ton of money. I've never broken a bone or anything, but like,

if I got hit by a car and I didn't get like serious brain damage or my, like if I knew I would hail 100%, but I was in a crosswalk, like, dude, I know a guy like that. I don't want to manifest this though because I've been manifest on a lot and it's been happening. Dude, you would have loved, dude, you would have taken advantage of a lot of experiences I've had like in terms of like insurance and shit. Have you been hit by like nine cars or just not to anything? Dude, I used to work for Amazon

and they would be like, they're super strict about finishing your deliveries. They'd be like, do not come back unless you've delivered all your packages. Dude, I was driving home. Amazon really treats their employees. Oh, dude, they treat them like shit. Dude, I was on the highway

and the storm was fucking brewing, dude. So there's probably like three or four inches of snow on the ground. And I didn't know that the van I was driving had no tread at all, dude. So I go into like merge in the middle of the highway and I just start spinning out, dude, fucking smash a guardrail.

I fucking did a 360 like four times. And I just remember my seatbelt came undone. I flew over into the passenger seat. My airbag didn't even go off. Dude, it'd fucking queefed a little bit, but I didn't go off. And I'm just facing the highway. Like my fucking vans totaled. I'm just facing cars.

Like they're coming the other way? They're coming towards me. And like, dude, I was fine, but I was like in shock. And I had a call like the dispatch, be like, hedge gunned a car crash like where are you this cop was super chill but like afterwards dude the dispatch didn't even ask me if I was okay

dude my like other packages my back was fucked then I was just pissed and I just fucking dude they laid everyone off like three days later and I didn't do anything about it I could have been like dude I could have taken pictures of the tread on the tires yeah and like yo my back's fucked

like been compensated somehow yeah you're back in your neck dude like they can't really prove that stuff like you can't x-ray, like people always say they're back and their neck hurts because like x-rays or any of that shit can never pick up if it actually hurts. Yes, I could have like gotten a pretty decent like lawsuit dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was... Well, I think that's also the kind of stuff they want to just like settle. Like, they're probably just like, all right. Oh, yeah, 100%. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Yeah, and you can't... You don't work. I know nothing about the law, but I'm guessing. No, that's mostly what is. This lady called me like a month later and she was like, hey, I had

a few questions about the accent you got in. If you could just call me back, and I just never called by that. Like so, I don't even know. Yeah. Did you keep working there afterwards if you got laid off? They were like, yo, legit, like a few days later, they go, this lady showed up and she was like, hey, all of you are like fired. She's like we're like liquidating the company. Oh shit.

That sucks. Okay. You're like, my bag. It just writes that happens. I was like, fuck. Yeah, I'm on the verge of losing. I mean, I'll talk about it now because I'm about to lose a job. I feel like every time I come on this show, you're either about to lose a job.

There's a lot of close calls where I'm like, I'm about to get fired. And my dad always tells me, he's like, don't talk about the job on the podcast. But I'm like, if they see the cover, it's me with cornrows and a gun. I'm fired. If they click, so I'm just going to talk about it. So I, um... Name the company address and you're supervising, man. I'm not, I'm not.

My boss is just like such an uptight woman where she's like, she's wearing a mask and she has those things that like, stop you from getting arthritis. Like, she has like wrist cards. And I'm like, this is like the most uptight person ever. but you say she has a mask too Yeah yeah yeah But to be fair her mom's like older or whatever But I don't think I've ever seen her mom wearing mask She brings her mom into the office

Who has like For sure dementia or Alzheimer's And just has her do things in the office Which I think is like There's just like a Filipino woman Just organizing things in the back Who's like not getting paid And I'm like

This is kind of insane to have your like Seenio mother And I'm like she's probably gonna fuck up the organizing Like there's no way she's putting things in the right place She forgets everything probably so But yeah that woman just hates me Like I had fucking, what was it? I had a, she's like, somebody took stamps off my desk and she's like, you really need

to make sure people don't take stamps off your desk. Like, you got, that's your responsibility. I was like, someone stole something from me. Like, why is it my fucking fault now that these things are taking? But I like, I don't know if I could be in an office. Why are you going to get fired? They're changing from temp to permanent. And then like the amount is dropping.

And there's only one position open. And they definitely like the other person way more than me. Like my boss. Was it really only you or that person? Or whoever else is applying, which I guess. guarantee you is more qualified. Yeah. Just kill him, dude.

I'm not gonna... Funny joke, Johnny, but I can't make jokes like that. I'm just kidding. Report, report, report your boss's mom. Yeah. They're like, we have an unauthorized worker in the country and I don't think she's an American citizen, dude. You should hit up 311 right now and call live on the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll settle that.

We got a call earlier for the fake police thing. We got one of those scam calls. Oh, yeah, the donation thing's right before you got here. Oh, yeah, like a fake... You think it was fake? You think it was right? Yeah, I don't think the police are, yeah. Maybe they're asking for money, I don't know.

Everyone's asking for fucking money. Yeah, dude, fucking, especially these fucking solar panel guys. It's not popular around here, but. Oh, the comics, that's like a big comic job they call and try to sell people solar panels. I know like 11 people that have had that job of selling solar panels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you had that job? No, I'm about to be at that level.

They're fucking super aggressive, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're trying to sell. What the fuck? Where am I going to put solar panels here? Like, I'm with the deal. Well, if you owned. a building if you owned a building.

And it was, yeah, you see that shit in the suburbs and shit. I was just out of house last week out in the Hamptons and the entire roof was a solar panel. How was the Hamptons last week? Sick. It's sick, but it's over. I went to the shelter island, which I guess is like technically different than the Hamptons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like off of that island.

It was beautiful. But the house I was in was, I mean, it was an amazing house, a good time. But the entire roof, I noticed it the next day when I was like way out in the yacht and I could see the whole house. The entire roof was a giant. solar panel. Oh, damn. Dude, they probably got some fucking steam and tits on the Hamptons. I was with all old people.

Really? Yeah. Good time. No. I went to the Hamptons, and this is one thing I said. It was nice because it's like, the beaches in Florida, you don't get that sort of Appalachian feel, but here it's like there's mountains, so it's kind of nice because you get like nice, hilly mountains and stuff like that. But the sand on the beach is fucking horrendous. It's so many fucking rocks.

Yeah, it was very rock. It's like, compared to Florida, it's like just rocks every fucking where. And then it's like, uh, and then the water's just cold as fog. Have you been to a Florida beach? Yeah, I went to Cocoa Beach. Oh, Cocoa was okay. Dude, I couldn't swim

because it was too cold and deep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was fucking crazy. If I went out, like, five feet, I would have died. Yeah. Like, the current would have just taken me. Yeah. Do you just see, like, how hard the currents are in shit in Florida when you look at the water? Yeah, well, it also depends the beach.

So it's like, every beach has different thing. I think Miami has the best fucking beach. The sand is, like, pure white. It's like, it's, like, so smooth. I sound all racist dance. Yeah. People are, like, fully naked. too, right?

Sometimes, some of the beaches, yeah, yeah. Can you go in the water? Like, or it's the current, like, crazy? Yeah, Miami has less of, from my experience, I've been there a couple times, like, it seems less. Coco is like big time, because Coco is a big surf town.

So, like, that town has, like, huge waves. And the sand isn't as good. The sand's kind of like, gross, kind of like, it's like too... Brown? Yeah, it's also kind of like, or it's like that orangeish color, and then it's like a little too,

it's too rough. Like, it's like, the sand in Miami is, like, so fine that it's like, it's amazing. It's like soft almost Rhode Island has good beaches too, dude Yeah Yeah Well I think it's also

But but the hard part about that is like It's probably like a limit that you can go Like I feel like New York It's like you can only go to the beach A certain period But as you were saying like It's still cold if you go and like When did you go to Coco

Fucking like maybe three years ago Well I'm saying what time of year was it? September. September was cold? Yeah dude It was freezing That's bizarre Yeah

That's like the hottest month down there I went to Dude, I was in the middle of, like, nowhere. I was in the middle of, like, I was in the middle of Florida, dude. Yeah, yeah. It was like. Doing what? What were you doing down, man?

I was going to my brother's wedding, dude. The fuck, dude. Is he still married? Yeah. But he got married to the same guy? Yeah. Dude, he got married, like, in the middle of Florida. So it was super, like, I felt so uncomfortable the whole time.

Yeah, yeah. Like, dude, there was nothing to do. And, like, I just can't even explain it, dude. Everyone was so angry. You could feel the racism, dude. Oh, yeah. one black guy, dude. Yeah.

I'll make a bet with my girlfriend's I'll go to weddings. I'm like, how many black people think the wedding were like zero? And, uh, yeah, dude,

yeah, the middle of Florida is like fucking crazy, man. I think that's where like all the crazy shit happens, right? Uh, yeah, I'm from Orlando.

So yeah, it's, it's a mix, but sometimes I, I don't know, there are a lot of things. It's like, sometimes you think,

you don't realize how crazy something is until you leave. Yeah. And then people were like, no, our friends were not like that. Like, like, because I experienced that this weekend where they were like, yeah, we were hanging out with our friends.

And I'm meeting my friend's college friends. And he's like, yeah, your friend lied a bunch about high school. He said you guys were like doing cocaine all the time. And he was like selling drugs and stuff. I was like, yeah, no, that's what we were doing. And it turns out my friends were crazier than I thought they were. Because like, I was like the mom. So they'd be like, don't tell Michael about this.

And they do way more drugs. Like I have friends who do coke before school and I had no idea. Like they had secret lives outside of me that they like, why would you have snitched on them? I want to snitch, but I'm like, hey, maybe don't do hair or. Because I've worked doing heroin. I'm like, that's not like... But to be fair, only one of them, the heroin friends is in prison.

The other two are fine. So maybe heroin's not as bad as people say it is. Yeah, dude, it was just like... It was kind of like here where like people are like desensitized to shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like if someone took out like an AR-15, like I feel like no one would have batted an eye. You know what I mean?

Like, it was that kind of feeling. Yeah, it depends on the context. Yeah, I mean, if we're in like an open orchard at the wedding and someone takes out like a fucking... How many Uzi? You know, start shoo. shooting squirrels. Like,

I just feel like no one would have been like, like that would have been normal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, some of it's like that.

I mean, some of it, I think the gun things like very, people don't realize how normal the gun stuff. It's like everybody. People are fucking insane.

When you talk to them about guns up here, like they, they just think if you have gun, you're gonna just shoot up a school automatically. It's like, dude,

and the thing always I say about people is like, unless you've shot a gun, don't tell me how gay they are because shoot. Nobody's called guns to gay. No, They don't say it's like gay, but they say how like, oh, they're unnecessary and stuff like that.

Dude, shooting a gun is one of the funnest things you could fucking possibly do. Like, shooting guns is mad fun. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is also funny one of those things, too, where people are like, yeah, yeah. Nobody's calling a gay. But I got to what you're saying, yeah.

Yeah, they're not calling a gay. It just sucks that you can't joke about it, though. No, you can. You can. If you're not specific, if you're broad, I think you can, but it's like, uh, Yeah, it's funny people that take Joe It is funny because people do take that stuff seriously Like I was watching this weird conspiracy about how

This will all relate But how Bob Sagitt was murdered Have you heard this theory? Like he fell in the shower He fell in the shower And people were like There's no way he fell in the shower Why do they think it's a conspiracy

Why do they think he was conspired to be killed? Because they're like they're like Well the front of his skull was hurt too And I was like he fell really hard It's so funny too because like The beginning of the documentary They're like this really suspicious stuff By the end of it, you just believe nothing bad happened

or nothing crazy after because it's like The whole story was that he First off he did a show in Jacksonville Which is weird because he was His hotel was in Orlando That part is weird because it's a two hour drive I'm like why don't he get a hotel in And the whole stories he went

Came back from a show was like Hey guys I had a great time at the show Then he took Colanapin And Trazadones He took like two sleeping pills And then Was he drinking too? No but he and he slipped and hit his head

on like the the ledge coming out of the shower. I'm like, yeah, that's like insane blunt force drop. Like, why would you not? Like, if you hit that at the right angle, yeah, of course it would fuck you up. But people were like, he was making pedophile jokes and maybe he was fucking kids and the parents of the kids came and murdered

Bob Saggin. I'm like, that is insane. I guarantee you, dude, he was fucked up on something and his body just went fucking limp. Yeah, yeah. Dude, if your body just goes limp and you smack your head on something, it's like, dude. That amount of force is insane. He was a big dude, too, wasn't he? Like, six foot six or something.

Huge, dude. Yeah. Like, it's not like he was sober and, like, slipped on soap in the shower and fucking died. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's insane. Yeah, it's like, he was really on two, like, sleep, like, sleep. I, I've taken a lot of it. I'm never going to take a sleep.

I don't give a fuck. I'm never going to take a sleeping pill level because I feel like I've just known so many people who just haven't woken up, like, who shouldn't have died. Oh, that's a lot, yeah. I was about to just go so pro sleeping pill, but your argument went inside. I'd be like, I fucking love sleeping pills. Fuck that. You know what I mean?

Yeah, but it's like... I mean, maybe I also, right now, I knock on fucking... I don't have problems going to sleep, so... Sometimes, though, if you're, like, on an air mattress, like, the only time I've taken them... Actually, I've taken them a bunch of times. But if you're, like, sleeping on, like, an air mattress

or, like, a shitty couch, doing, like, a road gig, that's when I'm like, okay, I'll take a sleeping pill. But it's, like, it's one of those things that's, like, I don't know, it's... I don't know if there's a way to justify it, but it is great to not have to worry about sleep and just pass out. Or if taking, like, a red eye, I feel like you take like a little Xanax and then sleep the whole flight.

Yeah. It's not a great way to live, but you know. It's all about the day after, dude. Yeah, yeah. It's like, are you going to do it again? I'm going to keep doing it. Yeah, that next day, have you either you guys taking Zanax? Nah.

That next day, you're just a fucking hell mess. Taking fucking Claritin D though and drinking. I don't think that does anything. There's no. Oh, dude, that'll fucking mess you up good. Are you sure? Yeah. Really?

If you take a... Clareton's pretty strong. If you take a Claritin D dude and get drunk, man. Yeah. You'll get rock, dude. Really? I might try that today. Yeah. Try it, dude. We were at...

Why would you tell someone to try that, dude? I mean, you just seems like you really wants to try it, dude. I'm very curious now. Because it's an over-the-counter thing. It doesn't sound like a... The funny is when I was a kid, we'd get high on weird things because we're like, maybe this is a really good high. Yeah. And you realize certain drugs are popular for a reason.

There's a reason weed is popular. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And cocaine is popular. There's a reason that smoking parsley and taking cough medicine is not popular. It's because it fucking sucks. I think any sort of like medication combined with drinking is just not good. Yeah, pretty much.

Health-wise, no, but experience-wise is fucking awesome. Yeah, it'll just rock it. You take... What about drinking in Xanax, have you done that? It's amazing. You drink it, take Xanax and go by a pool. It's the greatest day of your life. Go by a pool.

Go in a pool. Or hang out by a pool. I feel like that is asking to drown. No, you're fine. It is amazing. The people around you will hate you forever, and they'll say you're annoying. I remember I did it one time and I was just getting an argument. We went to like, we had this college pool and like I would just,

this one day I just took a bunch of Xana, not a bunch, they took like half a stick or like a quarter bar. And we're just drinking by the pool. And I get into like a yelling match about my friend about whether I could financially support myself without my parents. Like literally I was like, I was like,

dude, I looked into the numbers in high school. I, my dad found out somebody was like cheating in high school my friend. I just, I paid him to just do my Latin class. I was like, just do my Latin class.

My dad's like very moral guy. So he's like, this is terrible. He's like, I'm, you know, all this stuff. And I was like, whatever, I'm moving out. And I looked for two minutes online. I was like, yeah,

there's like a, I can support myself, which I could not have. But, um, me and my friend are just arguing about like, uh, I was like, do kids need to move out of their house earlier, man? I almost did it, which I was not even close to doing it. Yeah, you just flirted with that. And I'm just yelling at him. He's like, well, in foreign countries, they stay at their parents, they're 26 years old. And then the next day was like, what the fuck was I yelling about? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I think, uh, dude, I got drunk and

tie in high school. And that was like the craziest time of my life for sure. You mix those two together, dude? It's fun. Because it's like you could convince me to do anything at that. This is weed and booze. Yeah. Yeah. But then you always threw up. Yeah, you get too

dizzy. I don't like that. Especially a bong, there's not even a bong that just gets you so far up. Oh my God. Well, those things called Gravity bongs or whatever they are. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't even know why he's doing. We did that to our exchange student from Spain. And I was like screaming at him and he was giggling so hard. I was like, my parents are coming home.

We're going to be so fucked. He's like, ha ha. But I'm like, could you imagine being in a foreign country and like a little Spanish boy? He's like, yeah, you're like, this is the funniest thing ever. We did it again with them and we brought him to like the country club and this dude, one dude like passed out on the dock and so the dude passed out in the bathroom for like four hours. And I was like 14 in our exchange jeans were like 16 or 17. So I keep knocking through. I'm like, Juan, istas bien? He go, see. That just went on for four.

hours. But yeah, they fuck you up, dude. And also, like, whenever I do gravity bogs, I have that terror, like, especially when you're like a kid, like I just have those terrifying feelings. I was like, dude, my parents are gonna fucking know. That's what I'm saying about like, I used to get so hot. Like, no wonder I never enjoyed weed as a teenager because I would smoke so much. It was like retarded. I'm like, now I'm like, like I say, I don't, I don't really smoke weed anymore, but like when I would, it would just be like, I'm going to take two or three hits of this joint and then put it out. And then I'll be like, okay, I can fuck around and watch a movie or something. You know what I mean?

I used to like face fucking blunts before school. Yeah, but there's always that guy that would be like, you're a fucking bitch. Oh, I know. I'm like, you're literally. Me too. You're not my friend unless you take five bongrups. I remember one time I was driving to school. I wasn't in the passenger seat.

I was driving one of my buddies. We had the first period together with my junior high school. Junior soft, I think I'm in junior high school. We're getting high as hell. He rolled a fucking huge joint, one of those king-sized ones, dude. I remember I was like, I couldn't smoke anymore. It's 7.30 in the morning. You know what I mean?

I'm like, I can't fucking smoke anymore. He's like, are you for real? And I'm like, bro, I'm like, I got to sit in a class in like 20 minutes from now. I don't even know if I'm able to get out of your car. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like when I tell you, like another time too, right? We smoked weed before.

It was the same kid. He used to pick me up all the time. We just smoke on the way to school. I was smoking weed. And I go, I got to stop in this store, a little corner store across from my school. I go in there. He had a red Dodge Durango. And another car pole.

pulls up. I didn't know. It was the same color, same model, same everything as his, directly next to him. So I'm like not really paying attention. And I go into the car and I shut the door and there's just a baby crying in the backseat of the car. And there's a lady. She's like, oh, I think you're supposed to be in that car. I noticed when I pulled up, it's the same exact. My eyes are just fucking down to my mouth, dude. I'm like, what the fuck's going on? She's like, you got in the wrong car and I get in. My buddy's just laughing his balls off. Like, that was the crazy. It, like, shocked me from the inside where I'm like, I'm never doing drugs ever again.

Yeah. It is funny with that, with that happens, though, because it's like, I've had that happen to, one time we're in high school and I was trying to, I was trying to pick up Coke. And I got in the wrong car. And, like, I didn't know what the Coke dealer looked like. So I'm like, kind of basically talking to a guy. I'm like, hey, man, what's up? And he's like, what's up? And I'm like, so.

And you want to be like, what's it called, like, esoteric? Like, you don't want to be so direct and sure, like, so I've got $40. And he's just like, and I was like, so are we going to make this happen? He's like, what? And I'm like, are you the Coke deal? He's like, no, my God. But it's also weird that guy just let me in his fucking car. I was that last night, I saw a guy at the bar that.

Dude, I saw a guy at the bar last night. He looked like Dan Frank. At, uh, he's a gay comic. He's the fucking man. He's so funny. But I see this guy at the bar drinking like a fruity drink. And I almost walk up and say, yeah, a gay drink for an even gayer man. And it was just a stranger.

And I was so close to saying it. And then I was like, I was like, if that was just a straight guy, if it was a gay guy, it would have been whatever, you'd be like, what?

But it was like, if it was a straight guy, and you'd walk into rent a straight guy, be like, gay drink for an either gayer man. It just sucks. Dude, that's where you fight somebody.

Like, that's so aggressive to a stranger. I hugged a girl from behind one time in a target. I thought it was my girlfriend at the time. They were in the, they looked at, from behind.

They looked like a 90-year-old woman. Yeah, I thought you were. They looked exactly the same from behind. And I grabbed her from behind. and hugged her and then I like looked at her and I was like oh shit and the girl fucking screamed in Target dude

I was like yo my bad I was like my girlfriend's over there she's like get the fuck away from me dude I walked over to my girlfriend and acted like nothing happened and we walked by the girl and I was like I told you you guys looked the same and she doesn't say nothing my girlfriend's like what was that about and I was like nothing never mind

you know if I was just a girl like giant honkers you're like it's just they looked exactly the same from the back dude what are the The craziest thing is that's a high memory, this brief memory. We were at this place called Tijuana Flats, which is a Mexican restaurant. Outside, we see a car door open and a blindfolded old lady in the back, and the door closed and just

goes away, and I'm like, what the fuck was that? Is somebody kidnapping an old lady? It's a real Mexican experience. Cattell shows up. Dude, I watched a documentary recently about, there's this thing in Florida called The Villages, which is like a giant old person community,

and Vice made a documentary about it. And they left out the part that they have like the biggest STD rate and like all of like it's like what the highest but I don't know if that's because they're older and they've just been fucking for much longer or what leads to it

but uh I don't know there's always like two sides of the vice documentary they're always like oh this is good and there's some guys like they're ruining the land with their dolphin and stuff talk about a network bro like when that vice shit like came out I thought they had some of the best documentaries and some of the best shit I've ever seen on television ever and the last few years

it's just I mean you talk about shit that's gotten gay, dude, vice has gotten fucking... Well, some of it... Some of it's still good. Yeah, yeah. You gotta look further. Yeah. Some of it is like a little too angled, but like I watched one...

Too angled. It's like radical, political, like, propaganda. Dude, when I was in middle school, I watched a... I'm pretty sure it was a Vice documentary. Dude, they were in Africa. Wait, wait, is this about fucking, what's his name? General butt naked. I have no idea, dude.

Okay. I was in, I barely knew what's going on. I was in middle school. and just watching the documentary and they were showing Africans rubbing shit on their teeth and they were like

yeah this is how like they brushed their teeth and dude I went into middle school the next day and I told everyone and they were like they were like no fucking Johnny's just racist

no no I swear to God the black kids were pissed man I told fucking everyone and I was like dude it makes sense man like you got like corn in your shit like there's a bunch of nutrients

And from that moment on, everyone rolled with it. Johnny just goes up to his black friends with shit in his mouth. He's like, what's up, boys? How's it going? I know your culture now. You're like, what the fuck? Everyone told everyone that, like, black people brush their teeth with their own shit. Oh, God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still can't find the documentary to the show. That's so funny, too. Dude, the one about General Button Egg gets crazy. So, like, Liberia, they had some crazy. civil war there. And there was this dude who what he would do was he would fight completely naked with like child soldiers, which I mean, suss.

But he's also like, you would like drink the blood of kids and like murder all these people. But he converted and now he's like a respectable guy and he's like, I never want my country to like go to war like that. Which is tough because you wonder, you're like, could Adolf Hitler have changed? Yeah, dude, it's a good fucking correlation. Because everybody, everybody loves to go like, they're like, oh no, he was just a sociopath. But it's like, I think some sociopaths, maybe they can't change at all. I think some people are like, I think some people could, I mean, obviously doesn't, we're not like, oh, he's changed.

It's not like he's going to be working at like Barnes & Noble. And you're like, no, no, no. He's a different guy now. Like, you still be held responsible for fucking war crimes. But it is interesting to think about like, could somebody change their mind? Yeah, definitely. I think definitely. I mean, you see all these people that are like reform neo-Nazis, like fucking, I mean, even in more basic things like people that used to be like radical political people.

You know what I mean? Like, they do change their thoughts and ways after a way. But some people are just the radical matter what, though. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Some people are crazy. They're, like, radical left and then they go radical right. You're like, find the middle ground.

It's kind of crazy to come back from a genocide, though. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a hard way. Well, that was this guy. He's like, I am the leader of the church now. I listen to the baby. This is what I do. And they're like, we watched you eat a baby alive.

Yeah. But people are like, but also it's like one of those things, too, where it's like, I think in some countries where it's so war torn, that could be a pod. Like, it's like. It's like a small small mark on the record, do you mean? Yeah, yeah, you're like, everybody's like, all right, last week we fucking murder people with machetes, all of us did.

So you're like, it's one of those things where it's like, it's less like, I don't know. I mean, I would be pretty mad, but because there are people that were on the opposing side. They're like, there's people this church who he for sure killed their family. And they're still like, we like general butt naked. That's fucking wild. Yeah, yeah. Religion has to do something with like with it, dude, for sure.

What do you mean? Like, they have to be. That makes people totally crazy. Oh, yeah, yeah. They have to be... Well, what he said is he's like, I saw Jesus and then he told me, like, to stop drinking the blood of babies.

No atheist is going to be like, that's fine. You killed my whole family. That's cool, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that dude's gonna turn into fucking John Wick, dude. Yeah. Well, that's also the crazy part. It's like, I do think, like,

obviously Christianity can lead to crazy stuff. But, like, that's a pretty good adjust. Like, either way, yes, maybe this guy should have been murdered or killed or executed. But you're also like, it's good that he's turned into this. And now he's like, there's people who are opposing sides of the war. And he's like, now they're following his church. church and he's like trying to create peace here.

Like that is a positive force. And people probably listen to him more because of what he's done. Oh, yeah. Because like, you know what I mean? Some people, I think they have a thing against religion. We're like, I don't want to go because I want to be judged. But this guy's like, I ate a man scrotum. And you're like, all that sounds out.

Dude, anytime this is going to sound fucked up, like, I'm all for religion. But anytime I see someone with like a fucking cross and like a bunch of religious shit, you know, like they carry around a Bible with them, the first thing I ask myself is like, what happened to this person? Yeah. I could speak. I know people that are like lunatic alcoholics or whatever, just crazy people then found God.

And for some people it's been fine for them, but other people, it's just a new addiction. Oh, yeah. Some people use it as an excuse. Of course. It's a great way to get out of things. You're like, yeah, sure, I fucking, you know,

maybe I fucked my brother's wife. Maybe I did this and that. But that's changed. Now it's different. Guys, can we put that behind us? And you're like, dude, come on. Yeah. There are super hot chicks out there from like New Jersey.

who are like, yeah, I gave him a blumpkin, but it's fine. Yeah. Jesus forgives them. You know what I mean? They always, like, put up posts and shit where they're like about forgiveness after they just went to like an orgy. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, I don't think that's how it works.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I don't think God cares, but it is funny thing about Jesus watching you get a blumpkin. Just like, what did I do wrong? Yeah. What kind of woman would suck a dude's dick while they're taking a shit? I don't get me wrong. I know there's some out there, but it's like, who would do that?

I think a really loving woman. I think it's kind of a beautiful thing. I think it's a level of, it is, I don't know, I would get a Blumpkin. I think it's something you do like once a year,

maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, on my birthday. I just wouldn't, you got like a little, what's it called? Like a,

what are those Burger King hats on? He just got your legs in the air like this. That's what I'm saying. I just wouldn't think to do it, you know? I mean, dude, dude, if you can get a bonner while taking a shit, like you're a leg.

I get a lot of them. I get a lot of them. I get a lot of them. While you're shitting. All the time. Or like during the break. All the time. Yeah.

While shit's coming out. Dude, my dick is so hot in the morning. I'm serious. It's so hot in the morning that I have to sit down to piss most days because I can't put it down to get into my toilet, dude. Yeah, yeah. That's how hard my dick is in the morning. Yeah. And that's when I take shits.

That's why I'm hard. So you're telling me you're fully erect when shit's coming out of your ass. Usually I piss. I usually don't shit in the morning. But yeah, I've taken shits with bono. Jesus. Dude, you're like a. legend then. Yeah. You're from another

It is kind of gay. I will say that because I think it's coming out of your ass. It's dick shaped. But it's probably like it would feel good to like shit the second you're coming. I'm telling you dude there are, he's probably a part of like the 1% that can do that. That's insane. To be a rex and take

a shit dude. You could do it. No way, dude. Maybe you couldn't do it but taking a shit. Dude, nothing makes my dick soft and then taking a shit. Well it does it retract kind of in. I think there's something when you press down, it kind of pulls out. Like it pulls, it takes the force out of your

penis. I've read some articles where it's like if you're trying to last longer, just fucking press down, you know what I'm saying? Just take a shot. Just fucking fucking, just take a fucking big old death. You won't come, dude. Yeah, that is so risky, dude, to like push out while you're having sex

just to last longer. Well, the thing I'm wondering is like, I don't know, dude. One girl offered me a Blunkin while I was like in middle school, we met these girls in Universal Studios. and I feel like such a nerd I was like, what's a blumkin? And I was like, fuck, dude,

she's gonna think I'm a fucking pussy. I don't even know what a blunken is. I'm sure she was just fucking around with her friends. She offered you a blumkin? But we were texting because it was like, we met it like Universal and then we were like 14

and they were like 17 and they were 18. That's crazy. This girl like texted 14 year olds like I'll suck you're like oh you're shitting, which is insane. Yeah, I feel like if a girl offers you. But she's like, I was kidding.

That girl's a legend. She's probably kidding. But I'm like, that's all sort of crazy thing to text a child. You know many guys would look up to you, dude, if you got a Blumpkin? Oh, my God, the whole world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is so respectful.

Maybe I'll do it one day, I don't know. But for right now, I don't really have an aspiration to do it. It is one of those things like you have to really... You either know, the other person... Because I think it's just something to do to say that you did. Yeah, of course. It's not like a secret of things. Although, for the list of just don't know.

It's when you... We already explained it. You get a blow job while you're taking a shit. And there might be one guy out there who's lost. But I think if you listen to the morning good podcasts, you know what a Blumpkin is. Yeah. Who doesn't? Yeah.

That was like probably the original funny... Because that's my family members that listen to this podcast. It was probably the original funny urban dictionary term. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think people do like crazier shit, to be honest. I like a frosty gym.

So you pee in a condom and freeze it and use it on a girl. Nobody's doing anything. Why would you do that? Oh, like, oh, damn. Yeah, yeah. Because you want to last long. No, I have no idea.

Does piss freeze? Yeah, it's water, basically. Maybe it's like liquor. It's just so powerful that doesn't freeze. then there's the Jamaican bobsled's the best Moines at. So you do a dog

at the top of a staircase and then you I guess this is I guess it's just rape but you knock the person out and then you hold their arms like this and ride there's something nobody

would ever actually do that's like who is it like gave it these names well that is very funny like a police trial they're like sir did you give her

a Jamaican bobsled you know that's illegal in the state of New Jersey that is what Singapore Highway That was like where you put like PVC pipe in a girl's asshole and then just roll like Hot Wales cars into the fucking

Right I remember my buddy told me that in school one time And I like had a stroke I was laughing so hot Oh they're so funny Yeah those things are great Yeah We do have to start wrapping up yeah What do you guys want to promote At it's Ryan O'Toole

ITS Ryan O'Tolle and everything I put all my shit on there So just fucking follow me there Oh yeah dude Just promote the Johnny Slomie podcast. Yeah. It's hilarious. Thanks, dude. It's a great show. Shout out the Johnny Slimming podcast, dude. Yeah.

Thank you.