Morning Good - Laughs Per Minute - Episode 318

Episode Date: June 14, 2026

Zach Hesson joins the show for today's episode. He and Michael talk about the Silk Road, digging through trash cans at the zoo, and Andrew Dice Clay street interviews.Thanks to everyone who came out to the shows in Orlando and thanks Zach for hosting the show and joining us for the first time on Morning Good. You can catch him live in Florida or follow him on Instagram @zach.hesson. Check out his band Skatter Brainz as well. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? Did it call it the podcast? Morning, good, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. Zach has sitting. All right. Whoa. Yeah, a couple of them. Laf track.

Oh, dude, I want to fucking noise boxes are so. Or what do you call them, like, fucking sound? Yeah, soundboards? Yeah. Soundboards? Yeah. No, well, I used to be. Okay. How'd you stop? I did, I heard you could do, you could do like the patch, the gum. So I just did it all. I did the patch, the gum, and that's pretty much it. I was always spoken, yeah. What kind of worked for me was the, I just want something in my mouth and, and you're not, you're not gay. No, no, no, no. Okay. I don't think that's a part of me. I don't think that would be funny if it was like all an oral fixation

They're like, I wasn't gay I just needed something to suck on And yeah That made the most logical sense Too many cavities Not yeah, I get it Yeah they're like It reminds me of my mother's tit

That I left too early So now I have to suck a man's penis Because it's the closest thing Maybe you'd have to suck a small man's dick If that was the thing Uh huh Yeah Can you expand on that?

Yeah I like that you said that Like this is like a CNN interview Yeah Can you? What do you? no that'd be so fun just not expand to say crazy shit and it'd be like

I'm not gonna yes the Chidey's babies are gonna take over the world anyways expand on that no yeah zero explanation but you were saying okay so you were smoking because I would smoke as a kid but like not I would just do it to look cool and feel cool

but I never got addicted until like a year ago now I'm addicted to the billows I used to do it just to get grounded you ever okay yeah I did it as a kid no I did it the same to be cool. I was always smelling like cigarettes, right? I was always getting caught. I never really tried to hide it. But I got super addicted pretty early. And I didn't realize like being addicted was just like being mad all the time and obsessed with, oh, I got to get a cigarette.

Like I, that, that sucked. I was like, oh, this is, I'm not going to be good at this. Wait, so how long have you quit? Oh, I've been quit for like 11 years now, 10 years. I smoked from like 13 to 19. Where'd you grow up, by the way? Virginia. Oh, well, also, I think, I feel like there, isn't Virginia, doesn't we make tobacco? Yeah, yeah, tobacco capital. Yeah, so that's probably like a big, like, it was easy, yeah.

Everybody's doing it. Yeah, I was a big cigarette guy. And, yeah, I mean, I loved it. My mom smoked cigarettes, so I was always stealing him from her. Yeah. You know. Did she notice? Yeah, yeah, I was pretty egregious.

Yeah. There'd be like, yeah, I'd just take the whole pack sometimes. Like, oh, I don't know, Mom, you just lost it, you know? sometimes I would just take like four or five like a new pack but yeah that's pretty obvious yeah yeah the best is when she's got like four missing and I'll take another four

you know I try to hide it but so pain dude or you know what you should do did you have siblings yeah what you should do is you should steal four cigarettes or five put one in your sister's room and then so when your mom's walking by you're like that's the culpher right there it's not me

that's a good idea my sister was four years old Yeah, that'd have been really tough. You're like, I don't know what it is. You just, you learn from you. Yeah. That's actually funny. That's actually, when I was a baby, my mom told me I would take her cigarettes and run around with them in my mouth.

Dang. So you really did. So I did do that. Yeah. They do a bit. Dude. My brother's got a kid and I got it to, I've, like, taught the kid things. I don't even spend that much time with it.

I will just like. It. It's still an it. Like, it's not a dude. It's just like a... It's very personalityless to me. I mean, it's... You're very close.

You and it are very close. Yeah, yeah. But it's still in it. I still have not got at the point where I'm like, this is a human. Sure. But it is like... I'm still going to continue calling it.

Sure. No, it's good. Like, clapping, I taught the baby how to clap. And then I taught the baby how to like... In the air. So now it mimics. Like, we had a whole moment where we were sitting around the table

and I started doing this and then the baby started doing that. And then we're all actually laughing at the same. thing. And I'm like, oh, this is cool. But my dad's, like, isn't it amazing that you have this connect? I'm like, I don't have any, like, it's related to me and I feel like a sense of protection around it. But I'm not like, me and this baby are really connecting. How fucking stupid would I have to be to be connecting with a baby? You know what I mean? I'm like, no, I'm on

grown-up shit. Yeah. Yeah. He's been watching Barney like a fucking nerd. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. That's fun. Yeah, I've never, my parents didn't smoke, but I did take one of my dad's boner pills last week. And that I did feel bad about because the date on it, was recent. So it's like he's, because I've taken it before, I'm like, oh, you know, this is like an old thing of boner pills, but I'm like, oh, no, this is like his most current

thing. So I'm like, yeah, I probably shouldn't do that, but I don't know if I I don't know if he noticed. Yeah. I don't know. You should bring it up. It sounds like a good bonding experience. Yeah, I'm like, dude, they're sick, right? Because he knows I take boner pills and he's like, why are you taking boner pills? I'm like,

I don't know what I'm talking about this dad. But it is a thing too. But I guess we do because he's like, why are you taking my boner pills? My dad, this isn't an appropriate discussion. He's like, no, you're stealing my boner pills. But it is, yeah, I don't know. I take the blue chews or whatever, not all the time, but like, you know, it's a nice, it's nice just to know it's there.

But you know what's fucking crazy to me? Have you heard of the honey pack things, like the gas stations? No, uh, no. So it always has people ran about honey packs. And they're like, do these things, they're these like, you suck the honey out like a little, like imagine like a little packet of honey. Yeah, yeah. And they're like in the boners work.

And I'm like, I don't believe that. What? Okay. Yeah. And then I looked it up and they're literally selling Seales. And it's one of those things that like they just haven't had time to say no. But I'm like literally they're selling prescription erection pills. Yeah. Yeah.

Because Viagra's basically to Dallas or Sealas. And I'm like, oh, how are they? It's one of those weird things. Like you ever go to like a smoke shop or something? Well, you don't. No. You're sober. But like, or like gas station has all these things.

And then it's like shroom juice. And you're like, what are. are these and they're just selling it's like when we were in high school they would sell how do you 31 okay so around the i'm 29 so it's like they had like k2 and like bath salts they're still just doing all that but they're doing with other drugs like mushrooms i guess so i mean like there's always an analog where you could just change like that's the funniest thing when like people do drugs and i'm very big on testing drugs most of the time but people like don't realize they're like what are you talking about it's acid i tripped i'm like you know there's like thousands of

chemicals out there that just like... I know. Yeah. When I was a teenager, like a menace, we used to go on like Silk Road. Yeah. I remember Silk Road. You could buy...

That's when I got introduced to Bitcoin. This is actually pretty sad. Like, you'd spend, I don't know, you'd buy Bitcoin for like 20 bucks or less or whatever. And then you'd buy drugs or something. Yeah. Right. When I was a teenager and you get shipped whatever, right?

You could get the name brand stuff or you get a knockoff whatever chemical. Yeah. For like way cheaper. Way cheaper. And it was like, it was so funny because I heard the quality control on there was very strict. Because like my friends had Silk Guard. Like I think I saw it on somebody's laptop before they kind of showed me how it worked. But they're like the quality control here is really intense.

Like they were like because they're like they don't want people selling bad drugs on there. But you could also pay to have somebody murdered. So their moral boundaries were so weird. They were like, you better not be selling some bunk shit on here that's cut with anything. But if you want to assassinate your neighbor, we'll go over there and shoot him in the fucking head. Yeah, yeah. Dude. Yeah, Silk Road was kind of a crazy time in my life. I remember, yeah, just getting kind of sucked into that world.

Do we explain what, so it's an online, imagine eBay, but for black market stuff. Yeah, you had to like, to even get in, you had to download a couple programs. You had to get, like, the dark web type of, it doesn't really matter that. I like the idea of them being like, are you, like, an interview? Like, are you ready for the dark web? Yeah. And you're like, you got skull rings on. Like, you're like, I'm fucking.

A lot of people have applied to be at the dark web Yeah, I was, this was what, 2010? I'd have to wear these shades to get on there. I love these. Sorry to get off the topic. Cool guy, yeah. I love these. They look ridiculous.

But anyways, continue. No, but yeah, it was, I mean, I was a teenager. I didn't really know what I was doing. I just knew I had friends. They wanted to, like, they were smoking weed. They were wanting to try other stuff. They found the dark web. They just introduced me.

And then we just go to 7-Eleven buy Bitcoin or $20 worth of crypto. You could buy crypto at 7-Eleven? We would just buy it. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was just like, or any convenience story, we would just buy $20 worth. Yeah, and then you just, you just give it to, like, I don't really know what, what happened. They, uh, it was, it was pretty cool, you know? Yeah, because my buddy, I remember my friend cashed out when he thought it was like a good time to cash out of Bitcoin. And he just, like, bought like a bag of DMT.

And then it was like, he found out late. He's like, that would have been worth so much money if I would have just stayed in the crypto game. Yeah, that's exactly what we did. DMT, but really all the psychedelics and whatever, just seeing what world's out there. And it was, I mean,

I got sober shortly after that. Yeah. Like, that kind of helped expedite the process, right? Because I did drugs for like 14 to 19 or whatever. Smoking, weed,

drinking, doing whatever. You got sober at 19? Yeah. That's so, I know a lot of people like that where they get sober before they can even legally drink.

Yeah, that was... You're not missing the fun part. The fun part's when you can't legally drink. Yeah, yeah. No, I know.

That was always so frustrating because I felt like, I could get anything. I could never buy alcohol, but I could do all this other stuff, right? And I didn't really want to do the other stuff, but I couldn't, I had to do something, right? I was just so crazy with, with, with that. So, but then I got sober and then I was like, oh, you know what, this is, because, you know, I'd drink, I'd black out, make a fool of myself. I was this isn't even a fun anyways. Well, that is also the really funny part. I mean, I'm very happy for you being sober, but also I think there is a thing

that when you're drinking when you're 19 you... That's an interesting thing because like you learn how to drink better when you get older so you don't have those but it is very funny that like you just saw because a lot of people were doing that at 19 like I'm saying like and then a lot of

us continue to drink but like I mean I think dude if I didn't like I'm sure I'd be more productive and it's just like the choice I made I'm like I'm not going to get sober but maybe it's just like I'm not going to get sober but maybe

that'll change at some point. Like, I do take long breaks. But, yeah, was there, like, one night that you're like,

that was it? Uh, you know, a couple, yeah, I mean, I've, like,

I'd wake up in the hospital and stuff, and I'd be like, uh, like, but, like, in that morning,

I'd be like, oh, this is, that was crazy. Like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm done.

But then by that night, I'd be like, uh, I'll just drink less. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll just be a little more careful.

Yeah, yeah. And then I'd be back at the hospital a few days late. Like, it's just kind of a cyclical, just never-ending. So I'm just not good at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, because for me, it would be, I'd be handling it well, handling my alcohol, doing fine. And then I'd black out and then act crazy, right? So it's like things would be fine and then something would short circuit.

And I don't know, blackout, get naked, you know, be out of your mind. And that's not fun. It's not fun to really find out what happens. Sometimes it is. Yeah, yeah. But sometimes it's like I wake up with a black eye. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not a big drunk fighter, but it's also one of those things I've never got

to the hospital for it. And like now it's like I'm not even getting close to get. Like it's like, I have this weird thing that every time I black out, people are like, you literally just left the bar and we're like. Yeah. And I just got, like, I have a weird external ability to just go home and know when it's been too much. But for me, it's more like the casual drinks, I think I need to come.

out because it's like, so as you show up to a bar and you're nervous and then you're like, and I'm sure it was the same like in high school where you showed up to a party and you're like going to be drunk so I could socialize maybe a little bit. And then that's like more of a crutch for me than like the drinking too much. It's more of like, oh, okay, like I showed up here. But you realize also like the more like longer I'll go for sober. I'm like, oh, you'll just loosen up the longer you're out at a bar.

It's like the second you get there, there's all this like fucking people and stuff like that. But also for you, you're probably like, I just want to show the people around me a better time. Like, one of my friends wants to do acid and universal to me on Saturday. And I'm like, I'm going to ruin your day. Like, it's not, I'm like, this isn't like a, they're like, yeah, it's just like a tiny bit. I'm like, you don't understand. I'm doing this show you have a better time. I'm not doing, I mean, obviously so I have a better time, but I'm like, it's not going to be fun for me. Yeah. Well, you don't even need the fast pass. If you get, if you do acid universal, it's all fun, right? Yeah, I think, I think, the fucking, what's it called? Like,

just the gift shop will be like, wow. Yeah. But I'm like, I don't know. I'm like, I don't need. Because it's funny because I thought about therapist about it. I was like, oh, part of who wants to do it just because it's a really scary idea. And then she's like, it's great. You're trying to push yourself.

But like, if you're just going to have a bad day at the theme park, like, why would you? And I'm like, yeah, you're right. Like, I think I, I think acid is a little more easier to handle in public places than like mushrooms. But I'm also like, I don't need to be like panicking in Seussland. Yeah. Yeah. with kids kids around

oh yeah now yeah oh these rides are scary the kids are yeah but it's also hard too because like

there's certain things that like so for example like I've got out of the zoo stoned and it's so much more fun and then like a couple months later

I went to it sober recently and I was like this isn't quite the same thing but it's also like I think I could have fun at Universal Studios

without being on LSD I think it's enough there's enough going on Yeah. And I have like a child's brain already that I'm like, yeah, I like stuff like that. Are you a big D. Parque? Yeah. I mean, we used to go to Universal Tone.

I've also, I'm also, when I was a teenager, I would do, you know, go to the zoo on acid. Yeah, yeah. So I've done, I've done, you know, those novel experiences on drug. But it's, I don't know. I mean, it's fun. It's exciting. I think the idea of it is probably more fun than doing it because it's kind of intimidating. It's super overwhelming.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to be taking pictures with Spider-Man and then, like, thinking he's a cop or something. I'm like, that sounds like a bad day. Yeah, it's, yeah, dude. I mean, it'll be fun. If for someone who has never done it, I think it's, too, I don't know.

That sounds like a terrible place because I haven't done it in 10 years. I'm like, I don't think the time to do it 10 years later. Oh, you haven't done it in 10 years? Yeah, I'm like, that's a terrible idea. Yeah, that's insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my friend, she's just like, no, it'll be like, she's like, this spray of liquid acid. I'm like, first off, that doesn't sound good.

She's like, but it's like one-16th of a tab in the whole bottle. So like, and I'm like, yeah, but I'm going to get the, I'm like, this is just not, I know me. I'm like, you may be able to people. I love people. Same thing with like, edibles. They're like, no, this is like, no, no, no, you know you, I know me. And this is not going to be fun for me. You could, I mean, she could just do it and then you could just hang out.

Especially if she's. That's probably better, to be honest. Yeah, especially she's taking 116th. I'm like, it's not like she's going to be chirping balls. So I'm like, I don't need to also be doing that. It was, it was crazy. We were, dude, we were walking in, we was in downtown D.C., just walking around smoking. That's when I went to a month ago.

Oh, yeah. Just smoking cigarettes. Which I didn't know you weren't a lot of smoke cigarettes in the zoo, I think. I had no idea. Well, because some of the animals like them. Like, you know, there's chimps that'll like, in, like, in, I think China, there's, like, a chimp who, like, just fucking rip stogies. Sick. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, so we would just be walking around smoking cigarettes. It's kind of, like, because it's cool. You're, you're, like, on. acid or whatever. You're looking at stuff. That's what everyone's doing. This looks cool. It's not like that abnormal. But yeah, it was, I think my buddy of mine, he did only half of his acid, and then we were smoking cigarettes. And he accidentally threw the other, he like put it in a cigarette pack and he threw

the pack away. So for half of our time of the zoo, we went through digging through trash cans at the zoo, which is crazy. Yeah, yeah. It's, uh, it's. It looks, yeah, it's not what I wanted to do. But he found it, which was really cool. But we looked crazy for about an hour. Yeah, I'm sure, too. Especially because the zoo is free.

So, like, if I was a homeless guy, I'd go to the Smithsonian all the time. Yeah, yeah. And there were homeless people there. First time, come on. Yeah, yeah. Dude. They just sneak in and try to get some of the lion's food. They're like, too, what does take for me?

You're like, no, just for a lion. Yeah, and we did a, right after the zoo, after we went through the trash, we found it. We went to this abstract art museum, which was awesome. Another place where it's like, we could just look at stuff. It looks cool. And it was good. We were playing at cool, just, you know, being art, whatever, connoisseurs. And we called up a line because we were looking at this sign.

It said, like, please no smoke. It was just like a regular sign that said, please no smoking. But it looked so abstract that we didn't know. And we just kind of, it's not hilarious. No, no, don't even worry about it. We're just, we're just, I'm fascinated. No, but it was a cool, because, you know, you're in this weird environment. Abstract art thing, you can touch stuff.

It's, it's crazy. Yeah. So that was like, the museum seems a little more tolerable than Universal Studios. Oh, yeah, Universal, it's, there's so much noise, there's screaming constantly, there's kids running around. It's, it's crazy. Yeah, and I think I will just stare at it, and I think I'm just going to look at kids all day and just think about like, I used to be a kid and I used to not have to do drugs to come here.

I just like know where my brain will go. And I'm like, it'll just be the weirdest was I would do drugs at concerts and then I would think I was those other people. Like I would do like a bunch of Molly or like shrooms at a concert or something. And then I would look at like some guy who's like 40 who like is just disgusting looking. I'd be like, I'm the same as that guy because we listen to the same music. And then I was like, no. Like later on I'd be like, no, that's not at all what was happening. Yeah. Like one of my friends actually, my producer, this podcast. We are on Shrews at the Beach and then there was this crazy homeless guy named Uncle

Mike who we have a couple friends that they went to the beach during Street Break in high school and they showed up just with a 26 year old bum and this is Uncle Mike. And then we see him the next day we're doing shrooms and there's a kid

juggling sticks and one of my friends they showed to the New Summerto Beach no shrooms no money. They would just steal pub subs all day and I don't even know they'd sleep on the beach. They were just full fully bombing it. And one of my friends is like, oh, that's cool.

How about you light it on fire, pussy? And this kid takes kerosene and starts juggling fire in front of us on like the, like on Flagler at New Samarta Beach. And they were like, damn. And then we're going to throw up the shrooms.

And then Uncle Mike is like, he's speaking like nonsense, drug stuff. He's like, you need to make sure you don't lose a solosin. It's the seventh poison in the mushroom, which I know what siloicin is. I'm like, it's not like the seventh poison. There's not like,

he's like, you have to tough it out, tough it out. And then he gets this crowd of people who are like, he's like, they're about to throw up their shrooms, make sure they don't throw them up. And this crowd of people is just like, keep it down, don't throw up the shrooms, but we're just like, because like the come up on shrooms is very like nauseating. Yeah, yeah. And then my buddy was like,

dude, oh, fuck man, I'm going to become Uncle Mike, man. He's like, I'm going to become this guy, which is just not at all. Yeah. But I feel like shrooms are more introspective in acids. A lot of people say acids more like, you're more like looking at stuff around you compared to like thinking deeply about yourself. But

either way I'm like dude I can I can go to your real so fun day without being on LSD I think I think you would have a more fun day not being on LSD I yeah yeah it just seems too stimulating too many the big thing for me would be is it's super hot the screaming the sounds it plus you have all the visual it's just so much overwhelming yeah I'm not gonna run or ride any rides because I've done that where I just like I've got to a concert on like something and then I need to go in the back and then I need to go in the back and then I need to go in the back and because I'm having a bad time. And then everybody around you, he's got to go to the bathroom again because he's like, you know, texting his mom or like something just really. Yeah. That's happened to me all the time

because I was always smoking weed or something before an event and I'd always smoke too much. I'd always overshoot and then I'd be freaking out being like, oh, everybody knows I'm high. Yeah, yeah. Which is usually not true.

But this one time it was true. My buddy's 16th birthday party. I got way too high. I had no eye drops. I'm just. I'm kind of awkward anyways, but I was super awkward there. I'm like, dude, it was terrible.

Yeah. And then I was like, oh, I'm just being paranoid. And then my buddy's dad came up to me. He was like, are you on drugs? It's like... And it really just kind of ruined the day. I was like, oh, man, this is a nightmare. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, well, people, no, no, when they're staring at you. I would have that where I come home high, and I'm at home big, high. But I was like, no. Because every time I walked to the doors, you thought I was high. So, like, it was...

Now it's like, they don't, I'm 29th, they don't care. They cared a lot before I got the Madison Square Garden. Not a lot, but they were just kind of like, come on. And now I'm kind of in a weird boat with them where they're like, well, he's finally getting somewhere with his career. So we can't like, not like we can't tell him to chill the fuck out, but they're like, all right, well, like, he's not just doing nothing.

Because now it's like, I'll just, they're weird where they don't care. In New York, they don't need me to text me every night saying I'm home safe. But I'm here. I'll just go out and like sleep at like a friend's place or something like. that and then they'll think that I'm like dead or something and I'm like no I'm just not at like especially if I'm like getting late I'm not going to text my mom

at like 3am like hey by the way I'm totally safe I got this girl like I'm not going to do that so it's like they get a little more paranoid but their friends the funny is their friends went to the show on the 8 p.m. on Friday and they were like that was they told somebody that was interesting

that's are they comedy fans I think they are I'm just so like, I think that was a good moment for me because I had to be like, all right, well, I had a couple jokes, bomb or whatever, and I was like, this is what I do. It was very, like, cutting that part.

Because I don't know if you struggle with that at all, but I definitely struggle with like, you know, you have like family friends or something like, and they're like, do the worst is my ex's family and then you got to like describe. They're like, you're never like funny around us. Like, what am I talking about butt fucking your daughter to your face?

It's like, that's insane. No, I'm going to be like, good to see you. good, you know what I mean, it's like, I'm not, I don't know. Yeah, Jesus. Well, because neither of us do, I mean, I'm sure you said you, you, I know you can do clean comedy, but it's like not what I specialize in. So it's like, I'm not randomly just with like real adults and being like, oh, you know, just do it like, I'm not like Jim Carrey.

I can't do like impressions and then just be like silly on the spot like that. Yeah, I, yeah, most of my stuff's pretty, I mean, I think it's pretty clean, but I'll pander sometimes to the crowd. Like I did the gay bar show yesterday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm really, I'm kind of going. Yeah. I'm kind of overcompens.

I'm like, boy, like fellas just really pandering to this. So I'm kind of playing it up quite a bit to the room. But if I had to do it the other way, like, oh, there's like kids in the audience. Yeah, yeah. I'll do crowd or like, oh, anyone here play Roblox? Oh, shit. Right? I'm really, because the parents, they get it, right?

I just want, if the kids are having fun. But if the, I mean, if their kids are, I'm not going to talk about. come or anything, right? You know, that's crazy. But that's where they came from. They should learn. That's true. You guys,

you guys remember. Just giving kids to talk and your comedy says, so it's fucking, right? So you all have penises. They're going to get hard. Yeah. When you meet somebody you love.

Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. That's so funny that you're, because mine's the opposite. I've had to pander the other way where I'm too dirty. Because, like, I never, I like, there's so many times

where I wish I, like, did clean comedy. But it's so funny that you feel like you have to pander dirty because I feel like I have to pander dirty. because I feel like I have to spoon feed myself to the audience, the opposite. It's changing a little bit. Like, I'm definitely getting a little more sex-themed stuff than I'm used to. I'd rather skew more silly, because I don't feel like I have to talk about sex and stuff.

Yeah. But it's just funny. Like, ever just stuff pops up. Like, oh, this is just really riffing in the moment. It's, yeah, it's so easy to go to the sex angle. As long as it's creative, right? Talking to the guy who is looking at the material constantly being like, it's so much calm. I'm like, so much cum, and I'm like, I have to, like, wedge in a different joke.

And I'm like, dude, that's why I really want to do, I want to start my roommate. I've done improv in college, but I'm like, I want to, I know there's other funny parts of me that I'm not accessing because stand-up's so like, first of up, I don't want to be like an edgy comedian who's just like, you know, constantly talking about certain things. But I'm also like, I'm not afraid of certain things. I'm like, if this is funny, this is funny, and I don't want to worry about offending an audience if I think it's funny. but I also don't want to be like, okay, this is all my material, it's all dark or dirty. So I want to, like, you know, go back and do some improv, like,

jams, that's a word, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. When they play, yeah. Yeah, just for one, to become less rigid. And for two, to just become more, like, because I know I'm a silly person, like, in texts I'm silly, and it's not always sexual or dirty or dark. But, um, that's cool. Because it's easy with stand-up, too, especially if you're just around

comedians, and they're just like, and then I fucking came in a skull. And you're like, you're like, I don't know if this is good for me always be that bite said yeah no i think that's i've always wanted to get an improv i grew up watching like whose line is it anyway like all these classic yeah um i started i've also done like a lot of shows where you like riff shows right where you go up no material you're just kind of pulling topics riffing which is kind of like improv stand-up is yeah um but that's fun because i agree like i like stand-up i think it's fun i want to that's why i like riffing a little more it's kind of like improving

being in the moment. I'd also like to try more sketch stuff, right? Like, see other parts of me that I think are funny that maybe don't suit themselves well to a strictly stand-up. Yeah. Right? Because I could be more physical, a little more animated, which I think is especially funny in stand-up, but has strengths, I think, in other, you know.

Yeah, and some things don't work as a bit. Like, that Back to the Future, but I have. Somebody's like, you should make that sketch because it just doesn't work as a bit because some people don't know back to the future, this, isn't that. And I'm like, yeah, you're kind of right. Like, there are certain things that just won't apply there. And then seeing the, the formats are crazy.

All the POV formats. It's like all kinds of, when I'm favorite. I saw a sketch the other day was like, P-O-V, your Stuart Little and your ID get this tonight. I loved that. I was like, it's so funny. Yeah, so funny. I did see that.

And they actually used POV correctly. Yeah, yeah, because he was like this small. He was like, look it up. Yeah, usually, yeah, it's so funny, dude. I, yeah, I definitely want to do more of those. Because I think, because I'll have, like, creative ideas that I'll try to distill into, like, a stand-up bit. And it just won't. Yeah, it's just weird.

It's just, like, it's a muted version. It's still maybe kind of funny, but not as hilarious as I think it could be. So you don't know. And you don't know why it's not worked. Like, there's so much of them like, I don't know why this is not working. There's, like, nine reasons you might think it's not working, but you don't even know what the thing is. Like, people are like, people don't remember back to the future or they're like, you know, it's kind of a rape joke. but I don't know what is not like working about it.

But it is, that was really eye-opening too, because it's the first time, like the first show was like 60% people I didn't know, or maybe 70, and then 30% I did know. And then a couple jokes just felt completely flat and full of, with 30 people in the room that know me.

Yeah. And they were like, nope. And one of them I was going to do with the Madison Square Garden show, and I was like, all right, well, I'll put that away for a little bit or try to get it to work. Damn. Wow.

yeah because I didn't see the 8 p.m. I saw the 10 p.m. was great. Yeah. I thought. I mean, they were rowdy. Oh, that was for people that don't know. The 10 p.m., I posted my story, don't be on ketamine or too drunk, and a chick passed out. All my friends were heckling, and it was really a lot of crowd control. But it was still, like, I watched it said. I was like, okay, I felt more me on that show than the 8 p.m. where I'm just like, uh, because I was your experience with it. I mean, I was just hosting, right? So it was, it was fine. I'm used to like playing with, like, if people heckle, I don't don't mind.

I'll like play with it. You'd be in the moment. As long as it's funny across the board. Yeah. But I was getting them a little more riled up. Yeah. So I don't know. I kind of struggle with that sometimes because I,

I like getting them riled up and then I'll just leave it for the next guy. But I'm hosting. But that's like a bad thing to do, unfortunately. I know, I know. I usually don't do that. But at that show, I felt like I was doing that other way. I got to put. a ribbon on this. These guys are, they're young

crowd. They got to keep stop them from getting riled up. Then the feature went on, he just immediately started getting them riled up it felt like, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it immediately crowd or getting them re-engaged which is fine because, I mean, they were young crowd. That's what they wanted it felt like.

Right, yeah. But you had jokes you wanted to do. I know. I was like, I knew them by name. I was like, shut the fuck up. Stephen. I was like, shut the fuck. I'm using a placement name there. don't know any Stevens anymore. There's one in jail. But I was just like, shut up.

Like, at the back of my mind, I was like, I know shit about all you guys that I could just fucking start. I could start saying your most embarrassing secrets. You don't shut the fuck up. It'd be crushing. You'd be, you'd probably would. Yeah, but they'd be like, dude, my fucking girlfriend's here. My new girlfriend's here is somebody I've tried to hook up with.

Yeah, chick passed out. People were heckling. It is really funny, though, because I love the people that are like, I'm trying to help the show. I'm like, first off. I know. That it's not true because do you, do you think I really believe in the goodness of your own heart?

You care that much about the show and not more about becoming the center of it. I know, I don't hate you because I'm like, I want to be the center of tension. That's why I do this. But it's very funny to be like, no, I'm like,

not a single person heckles who is not a giant attention whore. It's never happened. Nobody's been like out of the good. They're like, you know what? I'm going to go to this show and I'm, I care so deeply that the show goes well that I'm going to have, nine vodka sodas before

and then you start yelling what I want to talk about. It's like that's not what it is. Yeah. That is the absolute worst. And I'll try to roll with it because I'm like, I'm too nice, I think. Yeah. Because like, like I said,

like I'll roll with the heckles. I'll try to make it funny. But it gets to a point like once it stops being funny, it becomes annoying. Like I actually can't do any material. Yeah. That's when,

because you can feel when, you know, the audience starts to get kind of annoyed. They want to just hear jokes, right? A lot of comic or a lot of audience members, they don't want to hear these heckles all. It's just kind of annoying. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's also, it's totally okay to bomb when silencing the audience because you're the host. It's like, I think people are like, oh, I made the show uncomfortable, but it's like anybody afterwards should in general. And I don't any show. Even like, it's like, but like it was like, I'm not mad at anybody. It was a great night.

We sold out both shows. I was like super happy about that. And I'm like, what? Like, it's like, Like, people like a day later, like, I'm so sorry. I'm like, no, it's fine. It's just like, you just can't be doing that there, but I'm not like, I've been, I mean, you're trying to like I was going to do acidity. I'm not supposed to do that there. You're not supposed to be too drunk here. I'm not supposed to do acid.

You're like, I get it. Yeah, nice. But like, if I'm having a bad asset trip and I get a squatter from Universal Studios, you know, I'm not going to be like, you know, that security guard deeply hates me. He's just like, no, you just can't. Yeah, exactly. This is Seussland. And, uh, you're crying.

You're crying. You're crying. Yeah, crazy, dude. Yeah, and I don't mind being the bad guy, because I know hosting you got to control the show. I typically don't want to do it early before I've done my set, you know? I still want to be funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then after, I'll be like, you guys gotta tighten up. Yeah. This is crazy. You can't keep out going. But I was never going to kick out any of your friends, obviously. I was.

Oh, you were? Oh, yeah, I was talking to Joe before because he was the show before. I was like, I might need you to, like, literally kick out people I know with me. Oh, I saw that. that ugly, yeah. But I think it's all the thing, too,

that it's like, everybody has their own way of controlling a crowd, and like whatever your way, it's like you're gonna, you know what I mean? Like, you're gonna learn whatever

works best for you. And then it's like, because you're, you're doing to stand up, right? Yeah, a few years in. Yeah, and you're fucking hilarious and very talented. But, like,

I remember I fucking would go too soft and then I would go too hard, and then I was like, all right, let me find it sort of, the Louis way. They told you the Louis way is hilarious. Yeah. Apparently he literally just goes,

you'll be doing a joke, like a silly joke, they'd be like, shut up, shut the fuck up, stop it right now, you're not supposed to be doing that. Anyways, so like, it just just so crazy. But it is funny too, because this is ultimate payback, because when I was a kid, I wouldn't shut the fuck up when the teachers were talking, and I don't like kicked out of class, and I'll be like, now I'm the teacher

and I'm like, I have to talk, and then I'm getting mad at it. I'm like, I deserve every bit of heckling that's ever came to me. Yeah, yeah, that's so funny. Yeah, I don't know where I stand with it, because I think, I just try to propel the show forward, because the heckle will, I mean, it could just stop a bit. So I try to roll with it, get a laugh, and then just, dude, move on. Yeah, yeah.

Don't sit with that heckle. Be like, why did you say that? Sometimes that's funny, but it just, it does completely derail my set, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. But it's always, there's like, oh, I mean, I've seen new heckles every, uh, you always think you're like, oh, I've seen how that you're like, no, I've seen ones that are like, I think the worst one I ever had was this guy that was like, it's really hard to get heckles. when you're bombing because you can't like prove.

But this one guy heckled, he's like, your fucking pussy. I'm like, what do you do for working? You just stop talking. And I'm like, I'm like, joke, he's like, your fucking pussy. And then I'm like, where, what's your name? But then you just wouldn't talk. And then I was like, oh, this is, that's why security is just

important to have. Yeah. Well, that's a case where no one's having fun and it's, I wouldn't mind getting that guy out of the show. That's crazy. It's derailing the show. It's, yeah, it's an obvious nuisance, right? But it's so hard when you can't see, I can't see this guy looks like. Oh, that's true. I can't see. It's like a dark

room and he's just heckling and then I've had ones where I'm show running and I get heckled and that's the funniest because I go the second I get off stage and I don't like big digging or disciplining people. Like I'm not into that. Like I'm not it's not my thing where I'm like, oh yeah, totally told. I'm like, no, no, I just like, but I'm show running and I go, I'm going to kick you out the second I get off stage

and then they're like, whatever. And then I literally like the guys in the front row and I walk off stage and while the host is on, I'm like instead of walking off to like side of the stage or just walk directly off the stage or that kick somebody out of the which is a very funny visual of just me getting off and be like, now you gotta leave, yeah.

I've heard, that's my favorite die story. Apparently he showed up to a show and he just didn't like to look on people's faces. Like, you got, and he just kicked people out of his show. What? Yeah, yeah. It's totally unprompted, but it's so funny to just be like, nah, I don't like you guys, you guys are getting out of here.

These two people right here, yeah, get them out of here. It's just for literally no reason. Wait, is that, that's real? Yes. That's crazy. People don't realize how much of an alt comic he is. Because he's like so, like, you know, he used to do a lot of, like,

racist jokes, sexist, stuff. But it was kind of like the thing he exploded with, but you're like, no, he's like, his character is an all, like, it's a fake character. And then he like, he does crazy, funny, I've seen a man on the streets. He just walk out to people, he was like, okay, you're here for the signature. You want the famous face.

You want the signature? It's just like, no, I don't know who you are. He goes, I'll do one. And then, you know, like, we gotta get out of here. And then he'll randomly just start a conversation with people and like mid-conversations. Like, Jerry's going to the thing. Like, just kind of like,

And people are like, what is going on? Dude, that's so funny. Because I feel like I like doing old. Like, I love, old stuff's always been interesting. Because it's just, it's different. It's form bending. It's, it is inherently like a misdirect, right? Because it just subverts your expectations.

Like this guy, this guy's being crazy, right? It's not what you would expect. It's abnormal. So that's cool. I didn't not know that about, you said dice. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, I got to watch that.

That sounds awesome. And I've seen him. I saw him. I said up for Kilt Dona like years ago at MasterGar and I saw him to a set and I was like, he's funny. Because like, I never got the appeal initially.

And somebody was like, imagine Dice in the back. Grisley Pear is like this comedy club. It's kind of like a backroom comedy club. And like imagine, but it might not be funny when you see a video of it. But imagine the guy in the back of the grisly pitch being like, and who's this bitch right here with a big old damn?

Like it's got to be really funny if you're in the room. And then I saw him. I was like, oh, he's good at stand up and he's so like, you don't expect guys like that to be silly. You expect him to go on podcasts and start talking about like, like the vaccine or something. And then you're like,

this guy's just a hilarious, crazy person who's just like out of his mind, but like still understands what's funny in such a weird way. I have a friend, Dom Lee and Ellie's a really good comic, but his stand-up is not alty at all. But he does these sketches that are so alty.

And you're like, wow, it's so cool to see people using different parts of their brain that you're like, I didn't know that was also in you because you don't see it in their stand-up. But that's like, what I, That's what I struggle with too, where it's like I, like, on stage, I'm so rigid and so, like, structured that I'm like, oh, I really got to break away from that. Yeah. Yeah, that's the thing.

Yeah, I feel like that's what I've been trying to do is be less rigid. Because when I started, which was not that a couple years ago, I was super like, okay, how many laughs per minute, right? Very tight, very tight jokes. But now I, like, thrive in the silence. I love when, I mean, it's not that. I'm building it up like there's a lot of silence. But, you know, the silence it adds tension. And it's fun for me.

Like, I was talking to someone recently. My sets go the best when I, like, jokes either don't land or they crush, right? When they do okay, that's when it's, because I have a lot of, like, safety guards, right? A lot of tags that really propel the jokes forward. But not if it's like it does okay, right? That mid-ground, it's kind of, it's just weird, right? Like all of my tags, they kind of don't make as much sense. Yeah.

Because I try to be like a bomb proof, right? It's impossible. Well, yeah, of course. Yeah. But it's just, yeah, it is impossible. So I get comfortable with bombing, comfortable with the silence. And now, I don't know. I mean, I did the gay bar.

I was like, I'm not gay. Yeah. But I'll, which is fine. But I was like, it's Pride Month, first of all. I don't know why I was the, I guess I didn't realize it was a gay bar and I was built as a headliner. Did they realize you weren't gay? Yeah.

Yeah, but I booked like a month and a half ago. I didn't realize that. So I was like... What bar was it? It was the parrot in Lakeland. Okay, I don't know that one. No, I don't know. It was a fun show.

Great show. I just felt like it should have maybe been a different... Different headliner just for the month. But they were fun, awesome crowd. Yeah. Just, yeah, different. Not what I had expected. Yeah.

Well, that is a funny thing, too, with... yeah, it's, I'm kind of think if I've done. Yeah, I've done some pretty gay crowds. I don't know. They're like, I think people think for one

that they're like sensitive, which is like not, not a thing at all. I mean, they're taking cocks in their ass. They're not like sensitive people. Like, there's such a stereotype too about lesbians.

I think that a lot of straight guys are like, oh, it's lesbians. I'm like, now they fucking, like, you can't stereotype literally any audience because they're like,

the same person, exists. The same like angry lesbian, angry, conservative guy, that person exists, but that doesn't, like, that's transgressive to think that that is what that group of people is. It's like, there's the frat douchebag, and there's also, like, the frat guy who sits in the audience and, like, really likes comedy. It's like, you guys get quiet. Like, every type of person exists in whatever group of people. But, yeah, I, yeah, I don't know. It's, it's a weird thing. But, like, I'm having the same thing with, like, structure thing where it's like, dude, I'll be like, let me wear a silly sunglasses on stage in my head. You're just like, don't fucking. you just do your fucking nobody. I'm like, why am I looking at this such a, and I think it's harder sometimes the longer you're doing it because the expectations for yourself are more intense. But then in other ways you also like just go whatever, like this one show doesn't mean anything versus like when you're starting. You're like, I want to show everybody I'm funny. And then you're like, all right, people could see me. My parents, friends can see me bomb and it doesn't matter. Yeah, it's like you literally have to show the whole world your bottle and be like, this is what it is. Because there's no, there's, at least for me, I'm like, oh, there's no point of me panicking about any of this because it's like really. holds me back on stage. Yeah. That's so funny. Yeah, Mike, I had like some co-workers, so I just graduated college or whatever. And some people from school, they wanted to see me do stand-up. And they went to a show over a year ago.

And I was trying, like, brand new material that was, like, not that meat store material. That was, like, not great. I thought about the meat store. It was, like, a brand new bit. It did not do well. I thought that was his subject about, I thought it was a style of comedy. Oh, oh, oh. bits.

Oh, yeah. You just chop them off and not cooked yet. You get them raw. No, it's not. It was the topic because I thought that it was a funny thing. But I just ran into them like a month ago. And they, even though it bombed pretty hard, they were cracking up. Like, they still remember, even though I did so bad at that show, it stuck with them.

So I don't know what it is. Like, so even if I bombed in front of my friends, they still, I don't know. Something stuck with them. Just seeing me do bad, it's still funny. And it's still, it's working better now, obviously. I mean, that was like the second time I'd done it. So it was over a year ago, but it sucked, man. Like, I don't want to invite friends to go see me perform and then do bad.

Because usually that's how it goes, right? And you just did that, right? You were two shows. Yeah, so like the eight, I thought went fine. Sure. And I think maybe I've said a higher state of myself because people were like, oh, I loved it. Besides, you know, some family and friends that were like, that was interesting, which is fine. I'm talking about like double teaming

a guy's wife with them. I get why that would not be like you're like, that's that kid that we fucking saw dress as Batman you know, 15 years ago. Now he's talking about coming in people's wives' mouths while their husband is watching. But I it's nothing, it's

I don't know, it's in the 10 I thought went really well and I was like, okay, that was a better, like I felt better about that show. And I watched basically two hours of my own stand-up, which is painful. But I did learn a lot I was like, okay, because the eight, what happened is they're getting uncomfortable. And then I just actually dug my feet in and started to do better because I was like, all right, well, this is what I do and this is how it's going to go and this is what I'm doing. Versus being like, I think I need when I'm doing those longer sets to do a wilder joke earlier on

because it'll actually make me more comfortable to go there versus like the being like waiting to be like, okay, here's this versus me just going like, okay, that's that. And then it's actually easier to do comfortable jokes after an uncomfortable joke from me because I'm like, I've already dipped my toes into the water of uncomfortability. Like you're talking about with a silence a little bit. Like you're like, oh, okay, I could play with the uncomfortability in a way now versus like doing jokes to get them to like me. And then I'm like, now I'm just so worried about them not liking me.

Where if I already have a joke bomb, then I'm like, all right, now I can kind of freely. Because like, have you read those bombs where you feel so free at some point? And you're like, oh, I'm... Well, see how bad this can go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, I'm in here. This is... It happened to be like a month ago.

I was bombing for this really drunk crowd. And I was like... I feel like we're having sex and it's like really bad sex but also like you guys are so drunk that and I shouldn't be doing it. I feel like I'm date raping you guys right now but it just was something that I was like

now I feel really like I'm saying the thoughts of my brain and it's going to a place that I'm like oh this is more comfortable than me like okay what about this next one and what about this next one and I'm like and then I watch my sets and I'm like oh that's where I'm losing is me sort of this I could see

like other people might not be able to see the nerves the same but I could see the nerves where if I make myself more uncomfortable first I get comfortable in the right it's like exposure therapy yeah yeah I think and that's why I still go to like as many open mics as I can because like I never do I mean I do fine at open mics but like

it's never nearly as good as a show yeah yeah because if I'm doing my material at shows I'm like doing good I'm confident but then I you know obviously open mics it's like it's brutal but going to those empty open mics where it's just like me

the host and like a bartender part of me I still like will do a material in that environment just because it's because I like to see

like how will I react if the jokes don't work which it can never work in that environment right but it's I think it is that exposure therapy yeah type of thing

where it's like just feeling it out like I don't know the silence is I think it's great I think it's a cool tool I try to use.

And that's where the heckling comes in. Like where people were like, oh, I was trying to help the show the silence. But the silence, it builds tension. It's fun. It keeps. Yeah, yeah. And there's a reason there's space, right?

I'm trying to. It's called using a negative space, right? Yeah, yeah. Did we talk about this recently? Talk to somebody else about it. I was trying to find the word. Yeah, it's using negative space. Oh, maybe we did.

Because I've talked about it with music, too, because I play a lot of music too. Yeah. Yeah, it's not. So, were you on time? Do you got a dip right in? I got to go pretty soon. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I do have to go pretty soon. Probably 3-10, so a couple minutes. But yeah, like the pacing, the cadence, what I'm saying, what I'm not saying, that silence is it's all integral to the performance, I guess, right? Well, it makes so much into music because it builds tension. And it makes sense of comedy, too. It's like, same thing, yeah. Mother Dan's it.

I was watching the movie of Alex Jones singing the song. There's one part of that's over goes, it just pauses, it's like, you're about to see L.A. And I noticed, like, the third verse of it or whatever, they just stopped the music for, like, one second. The drum comes like, it's like, boom, boom. That, and it, they comedy's a way where it's like, like, I have a joke like that where I started pausing aggressively before,

and then I go, I like to be dominated sexually, and it's way funnier if it's completely silent in the room, and then I say that. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's what, yeah, that's what I was saying before. Like, my sets, like, if there's, like, if things crush, and then I move on, it's great.

If it's total silence and I move on, it's great. But if it's like, eh, it's not. but whatever. I think yeah, because you imagine going to a comedy show, people are just talking. They're just rambling. They don't give you time to process. There's no, it's exhausting. Some people do it well, though.

Like, I don't think I do it well. I'll actually watch myself stepping on punchlines because I add a tag that's not needed to try to sell the bit. And then it's like, oh, you could have just sat with that thought for a second and then maybe it would last a little more if you just, but you're so fast. Yeah. But I had a really bad one with that same joke where I was like

this crowd was heckling a bunch and I kind of try to put them in place I shut them all up and then I went I like to be dominated sexually and they just people were like bro you just like literally yelled at everybody that told them basically

you'd like to be fucked like a little bitch and they just gave them all the ammo they needed to all come back at me after it was like I like plugged up the floodgate and then I just took a fucking thing out and they just fucking. Dude that's awesome yeah I don't know

I guess you're right some people are really good just rapid fire. I don't think, I don't know, it's too hard for me to do. I think at this, I'm still obviously super new. But like being, because I don't want to step over,

step on my punchline, step on my laughs. Yeah, yeah. From like, continue. But that's the goal. I want to be able to like keep talking. Boom, big laugh, bigger, bigger.

I don't want a hard reset after every, every joke. But everybody's got a different style. There's no, like, clear way to do it. Like, it's like some people, there's like no,

I think the worst thing people could do is like, I'm not good enough for this. Like that's always the thing people are like, oh, people always be like, oh, so it's so like, yeah, you know, these old mic or you're not Louis,

you're not this, you're not that, you're not Jim Carrey. It's like, well, yeah, but those people have to get there at some point. So it's like, whatever, there's no like, oh, I'm not there yet, so I shouldn't try that. It's like irrelevant.

Like, I used to be like, I'm not good at crowd work, so I shouldn't do it. Right. And then I just was like, oh, no, I need to force myself to do it to get better at it. But there's no, there's literally no way to do this.

You could pause. You can not pause. Just whatever makes it show better. But it sounds like you got to get going. Yeah, I do. I got a band practice. Yeah, let's wrap it up. Where can they find you online?

Zach is fucking hilarious. One of my favorite comedians in the scene. Zach. Dot Hesson. We'll put it on the big screen. Yeah, we'll put you. Zach. Hasson at, uh...

Oh, wait, no. At Zach. thescent Instagram. That's it. Or at yahoo. Yeah, I almost in a website. Or email. No, don't email me.

Please email. hell. Yeah, you can buy a sticker. I got stickers. Fuck yeah. Buy the stickers. Thank you guys. Yeah, see ya.