Morning Good - Launching Peen - Episode 277

Episode Date: July 20, 2025

Isaiah Castillo and Cam Stafford join the show for today's episode. They talk about beautiful plus-sized women, the new Superman movie, and performing for retired veterans in Florida.Thanks to Isaiah and Cam for joining the show for the first time. Technically, it was the second time, but that episode is lost to history. Either way, check them out at their links below for more funny stuff. Isaiah is on Instagram @isaiahxcast. Cam is on Instagram as well @camstaffordcomedy and hosts the Down Bad Comedy Show weekly in Manhattan on Tusedays.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. Yeah, that's not a sexual thing. All right, we're here with Isaiah Castillo. What's up, fam? And Cam Stafford. What's up, everybody? And we're coming off, dude.

As I was saying, like, we recorded. I love just. always telling the listeners, I'm like, man, the episode you guys missed. It is not, you know, it sucks. We, we, we got all fucked up in the last episode. That's why there was an episode last week. And I was like, this is the greatest, you may have not felt? I was like,

this is the greatest episode of my podcast. But at least I'm like, this is progress. Even though it totally went to nothing, just you know, us three and the producer. It was really funny. Yeah, yeah, it was a good tap. And the biggest mistake you could just try to recreate the bits. Because like, in my head, I'm already just like, what if we fucking shoehorned this

in and started doing a bit from last week, but I got enough to talk about it. I don't know. I just got back from Florida, and that was fun as hell. Nice. What were you doing down there? I was visiting family, doing shows, and seeing the new Superman, and doing work for my, it's funny, my boss flew me down there, and I was like, oh yeah, I forgot I did work too, but yeah. What do you do for work? So my cousin, he runs a construction company. Okay. And dude, I went out there for like, I mostly just do sales. I call people, I'm like, hey, do you guys need some workers, like, need some drywall done, and stuff like that.

But dude, I did maybe like 30 minutes of manual labor and I almost fucking died. I forgot how much of a pussy I am versus, uh, yeah, no, it's crazy.

The average person. When I was a teen, not the average person. Like, like Cubans in Venezuela, like they're not the average person. It's like, dude,

I fucking work out all the time. I was trying to carry this bucket with two hands. This guy just comes up and just grabs it with one. And he looks like not jacked. None of these dudes like look jacked. Like manual labor people,

I never look at him like, that guy looks jacked out of his, He just looks like a regular guy. They got immigrant strength. Yes. That's a whole other thing. They have, they look, there's like skinny dudes that'll pull up like a bucket of concrete up a ladder.

Yeah, dude. I was waiting for you to weigh in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I had you actually. It's so impressive. And they're running off Modellos the entire time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Their diet's, like, insane.

They had, like, a burrito from a gas station and, like, fucking just, like, so much beer the night before. Modellos in the 7-Eleven teakitos. Yeah. Dude, that's what I would do. I would do construction bro, I'd fucking rip an Adderall and then, like, put a fucking, like,

dude, I remember one time I thought we had a microwave in, like, the trailer on the constructors that we didn't. So I just ate a frozen burrito. I just, like, fought it out before lunch, and then just, there's just, like, ice in it and shit like that. Yeah. That'll make you want to find a better job. Yeah, dude.

Oh, totally. Yeah, yeah. Those moments. Well, that was what I do, because I, my, my boss just, like, left for, like, a minute. He's like, can you just, like, tape down some paper so we can put up drywall. and I was like, yeah, yeah.

And then just like, through the second thing, I was just like, Jesus Christ, I went to college. I'm just like me. I never like I went to college, like I'm better than anybody. But I am like, I went to college and that was really hard for me to get through.

So like to do anything, I'm like, I thought that should be it. Like, that should be it. It was like, I worked so hard in college. And then, I mean, I guess, I think, I don't know if I could have gone. I mean, because it's through family. I feel like if I didn't go to college,

I still could have gotten this job, maybe. You'd probably still be. qualified. I have no idea. I have no idea how hard it is to get jobs in construction or sales. I've never looked for jobs. Yeah. I sold solar parents for a little. That was fucking terrible with that, dude. Oh, like the cold calling? Yeah.

I think Stephen's doing that right now. Yeah, yeah. Let's see how long he lasts. It was one of those where like, it was the last. I like hosted a while with no day job just from like savings and stand-up money. And then I was like, if she like really hits the fan, I like worked for my dad for like a couple months. Then he was like, I don't think this was productive at all.

So then like, I was like, all. I was like, I really hit the fan. My last job was the solar panel sales. And I was like, if shit really goes bad, this is where I'm going to go. And then I went there and then they fired me. And then my cousin, I was working like part-thiper. I was like, hey, can I? And I was still kind of, I don't know, it's weird.

But yeah, I've been fired from an absurd amount of jobs. Really? Yeah, and I've been applying and not getting anything. I don't think anyone's getting jobs right now. Yeah, it doesn't seem like something that's happening. And I wonder if it's, I like to just blame it on my Instagram. I blame everything like that. If a girl doesn't want a second date,

I'll be like, oh, well, she obviously saw my reels. Couldn't handle the edge. But I've been fired for multiple jobs for my comedy. So now if I'm not, if I don't get a job, I'm like, well, they must have seen my Instagram reels. I've never been, well, I just started posting my comedy more, but I haven't been fired for it yet, thankfully.

I've never had a job that was so important that if they saw my Instagram, I would get fired. You don't think they do. And then you work at a reception job. And they see you have a podcast. where you have an interracial woman on who was like, or transracial, sorry. This one was born white and like turned black.

And that was like the only clip I had on my Instagram and they're like fired them. What? Wait, was it the girl that like blew up the internet for being transracial? If it's so, she's like the second biggest transracialist. Racialer? I don't know what you call it.

But she was born like, there's like Rachel Dolezant and there's like this woman. Okay, that's the woman I was thinking of Rachel. Yeah, yeah, not Rachel. is all. Okay. Now, this is like a German lady with like the second biggest tits in the world. Oh, I've seen that one. Yeah, that one's awesome. Is she black now?

Yeah. Or she identifies as black? She is black. I mean, look, whether she's African-American or not, I would say, or I guess African-German, I would say no, but she's black. Like, she's like the blackest person has ever been. But was she born black? No. But she is like, okay, you know what? How's that different

from blackface? Well, people can argue this. Okay, you can argue that, hey, maybe you're not this. gender because of this isn't that. But you can't argue that your skin is not black when you die your skin black. Technically, look, you're not, you might not be an African American, but you are a black

person. You're a person whose skin is black. Yeah. You're not the first person to be stunged by this, by the way. The world is trying to figure this out. I'm not even stumped. I'm just trying not to get canceled on the foot podcast. I just, I, you know, like

transgender, all of that. Totally cool with it. Totally accepting of it. Okay. Transracial, I just don't really understand. Like, I, I don't know. It's so weird because I say, like, fucking... That just feels like the most extreme version of cultural appropriation. Yeah.

And then because you put trans in front of it, everyone was like, oh, whoa. It is a sick. We got to have a respect to now. Like, everything I do. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a trans pedophile.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's different. It's cool. Yeah, well, it's like, it's one of those things to words, like, I say, like, wild shit. But then my view. on paper or like weirdly next level progressive. Like I am fully pro transracial, which is a thing where people are so like, I get why people are confused about it.

But I'm like, dude, I had this woman. She's like, yeah, in my heart, I believe I'm a black person. And I'm like, I'm not going to look you in the face and tell you how to believe. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like, listen to somebody to be like, I truly just believe in Santa Claus. And you're like, you know what? The thought is what counts. I was like, I don't let them.

Yeah, no, I'm not going to say I'm like, anti people being transracial. I'm just going to say, I don't, yeah, I don't get it. Yeah. And I'm not sure. I don't think anyone gets it. I get it. You know, I listen to a lot of hip hop when I was a teenager and I was like, I wish I was

black. Yeah. Like I got, I get it. We've all done it, but we're going to go to that extreme. Yeah, no, it is crazy. And only a woman can really do that. Well, people, it totally. Well, it's also a thing, too, we're like, you can't go, you can go the other way.

Anybody who transitions into white, people are like, I get it. Like, you're not going to be like, all right, well, like, because there's like the Asian people that will like get the eye rounding thing, which is really fucking wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the double eyelid surgery or whatever. Yeah, yeah. That's a big thing.

That's called? No, no, no. So it's, yeah, no, no, no. When I was still working in like TV, this episode of a debate show that we were producing was about, like, the plastic surgery boom in Korea. Yeah. And like, one of the most popular surgeries was the eyelid surgery to, like, remove, like, the double hood thing that a lot of them have, like,

genetically. Yeah. To make you look more white. You know, it's really fucked up. They would do it for employment. Like, they have to include their photos. Who's out there,

like, not hiring Asians? Well, no, this is in Korea that it's happening. Oh, okay.

Like, it's not like a thing here. Yeah, yeah. You got to put on your LinkedIn, like double island surgery to get a job? Like it's an accolade.

No, no, like on your resume, you have to include a photo of yourself. That does that. You're like, no, I'm very good at making people the race that they,

not the race that they are. it's my top thing because it is like I'm great at disguises yeah yeah it's pretty wild I like it's funny too oh I want to talk about this so my mom one time got an eye lift

and I don't know if I can talk about it whatever I might not be able to oh whatever we'll fucking cut it out later fucking whatever fuck you fan I'm sure I have everything I say I start talking about me like

but she got an eye lift surgery and I was like I looked at her face and I was like oh I guess I'll never see my mom's face again. Like it was the most disturbing thing at first. But then it settled. And then she just looks totally normal now.

But it was funny. When it first happened, I was like, she was like, I got eye lift. She texted me about it. I was like, yeah, whatever. And then I see mom's face. I go, my mom's dead. I was like, I will never look at my mother's.

Like swollen, puffy? Or like. She's looked like, it looked like a different lady facething me. And I was like, oh, it would be very. Yeah, mom. And I was like, oh, my God.

But then it settles, like, anything else. That's only your dad shaves his beard. and you're like, it's freaking weird. I thought my dad was a man. Turns out my dad's a lady. You see his bitch chin and you're like, I'm doing whatever I want. Oh, that jawline was fake?

Okay. Yeah, I'm staying up tonight. I do love jawline fakers, dude. I know a lot of people that do. Like, dudes that'll get fat and they shave like a beard. It's so funny, man. And you right, do, everybody knows. It's so funny.

We can see your tits in your shirt. It's like, it's obvious you're a fat guy. Well, it's also just funny because like sometimes, they won't do it at the right angle. And so they'll shave like where they think their jawline should be. And then it keeps going out. Like their cheek keeps going further out. Yeah.

Yeah. You can see their double chin. Like it'll like stop right here. It's mostly Indian guys doing this. That's my experience. Yeah. Really. I see it on a lot of white dudes.

Oh, okay. We're in different fields. Yeah. I see a lot of Indian guys with it. White dudes also sometimes do the opposite where they just have just the neck beard. Oh, I hate that. Like that's like a gray neck look. Yeah.

Or they don't do the most. When they do this? I hate that look. You got to have the mustache. Yeah. No, I like, yeah, I don't know.

My thing is I have like no perception of what I look like. So like I lost a bunch of weight recently. Did I tell you about this? I was like, looking through DMs with this chick one time. I was like, why didn't she ever message me back?

We were sexting back or we were sending like sexy picture back and forth. The last picture is me fat as shit with a P sign shirtless in the mirror. And the look on my face is like that guy has no idea. He looks like shit. Like in my mind,

I'm like, what do you think it is, bitch? Like, I think it's so hot. And I'm like, dude, it is the biggest, just man tits gut. And in my mind, I think I thought that, like, the bottom of my stomach gutter was, like, cum gutters. Like, I thought I was like, oh, look at me getting those bottom abs, but it was just the fat. Yeah, just rolling over. And I was like, this is more confident than I am now. So I realized I'm like, I have zero perception of what I look like, because I don't know.

So I'm like, I think I'm going to look back to pictures of me now and I'm going to look like a small pirate or something. Like, it's like I don't, if I go too skinny, I have no idea. If I go too fat, I have no idea. So I got to go just based off like, I don't know, maybe I should just have a guy I talk to. You have like reverse body dysmorphia. For sure, yeah. When you got better looking, you were less confident. 100%. Yeah, I look at myself and like, I'm kind of, kind of, kind of too skinny now. Yeah, I don't know. I did the same thing. I honestly didn't recognize you at first. I haven't seen a while. Yeah, nobody. It's crazy. People's mind.

They're like blown. I want to start denying me to people. Be like, I don't know. talking about it. Someone said to me he was like, I'm still not used to Michael Good's new face. I was like what? He goes, I don't like his new face yet. He looks like he looks like he's going to be mean to me. I was like he's the same guy. I promise. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was like 22nd at my peak. Yeah, I was like 225. Muscle or fat? What do you think? People are like muscle weighs more than fat, but you can't get that much muscle to weigh that much. Like it's like you know that's, you have to have a certain height if you're going to be 225 of muscle.

Yeah, because people are like muscle ways more than fat. It's like, yeah, sure, but you can only gain a certain amount of muscle. Your fat is going to be like, because I thought the same thing. When I started like getting fatter and looking at the scale, I was like, look at this fucking 213 of muscle. Like in my mind, I was like, look at all this muscle I'm building. It's just fucking fat. And, uh, yeah, no, but then you fucking lose it and you're like, oh, yeah, that was all

fat. Yeah, you have to be like on TRT to be 235.10. Yeah. It had to be like on steroids. But like, yeah, you just don't realize. it until like I think it was my dad told me he was like yeah you're you need to go to the gym and I was that was what

got me like switched me switch the fucking light in my head well I had the opposite my family was always telling me how fat I was and I was like you guys are the silliest like I just didn't take it like people are so funny people like get so down to out they're like my mom like I'm saying I was getting bad and I'm like

yeah who cares it's your mind like in my mind I'm like I just don't listen to anything my family says to me stop drinking don't get I'm like why would I listen to them and then people are like, dude, I have body issues because my mom called me up fat. Like, my mom would always call me fat. And I'd be like, whatever, bitch.

Like, I'm not like, you're just immune to bullying. You're like, yeah, just don't listen, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I never got that. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Now, if she said my comedy sucked, that would start, that'd probably, uh, yeah, that's up my parents just aren't going to get my count.

Like, they're not, you know what I mean? It's not for them. Do you ever go to your shows? Uh, no. I mean, my dad saw me once and he started bringing up how I should go to law school the next day. It's not a great. But it's whatever.

I mean, I don't know. It's like you can't, you also can't like base like, I've also had issues recently I've heard like people talking shit about me. And I'm like, you can't like take everything other people. Like I really, I just completely like, somebody said I sucked at comedy recently and I heard it came back to me and I was like, oh, that person doesn't even believe that. I was like, they came to a show once and then started talking about how funny it was

to other people and then something happened where then they started talking shit about me. And I was like, I mean, maybe I'm just delusional. Oh, I know. Yeah, you told me this story. Yeah, no, no, you don't have to get into it, but I never show up. But I'm like, oh, that person's just going through their own thing. I don't know, it's like, you can't, I mean, this is what a, it's hard, because this is also what a crazy person says.

This is also somebody who, like, but it's just like, I think you have to treat criticism the same as advice. Like, you, you shouldn't take advice from everyone that gives you advice. You got to look at, like, where they're at, and it's like, do you want to be there? Because if I'm getting criticism from someone that, like, I don't value their opinion at all, then I'm not going to be bothered by the criticism. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

Yeah. And that's you, the person, I'm like, oh, you're somebody that, like, you literally, I don't care what you think at all. Which is great.

It is great to, like, really be like, this literally doesn't, I mean, definitely affected me a little bit where I was just like, I'm fucking funny. But I wasn't like,

I was like, I was like, I actually believe that. So I was like, but your entire family calling you fat. You're like, you're like,

you're fucking stupid. Yeah. I'm like, mom, you get your fucking eyes check. That's what's going on with you. You get your eyes lifted. Yeah,

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't listen to what anyone says unless it's about me being fat. And then I'm like, son of a bitch. And then I just won't eat for like a day. Is that how you lost your weight? You just stop eating. My friends, like, really started bullying me. And then my dad was, I was like, oh, I'm fatter than my dad.

I was like, I can't happen. And then I just woke up. I woke up broke fat and just like I had no chicks at all. And I was like, they got to fix something. That's so funny too because I was getting like, or sorry, continue. Oh, no, you go ahead. Well, I was, like, I never once thought that me not getting a second date. Because I would always have this theory that I was like, once your shirts off, you're already fucking usually.

So I'm like, you know what I mean? And then I'm just like, occasionally I wouldn't get a message back from her. I'm like, you know what it is? It's my fucking reels on Instagram. While my stomach is out to here and like, she's blowing me and there's just fat on her forehead. I'm like, I don't know why. I was like, you know what it is? She probably didn't like that.

I said, retarded on Instagram. That's what it is. And I'm like, now you're fucking. fat. But it's also like I've said before like I'm from like like I thought I was like I don't know from the south so like fat dudes get laid there. So I was going in like a like a plantation owner like in my mind I was like a like a southern gentleman who was just fat or shit.

I was like you ever sucked a dick with his belly full of grits? Like in my mind I'm like I think I'm coming in here looking like an aristocrat. Look down my belly button like the barrel of a gun. Oh yes man. Yeah. Yeah I just thought that I don't know. but yeah I have no idea what it look like but I also like I'm at a point now where it's balanced out where I don't really like it's like I'm just gonna exercise

and try to eat healthy and but the annoying part is like my fucking cousin who I'm working for like dude I got a rap we got sandwiches I got a rap I'm like I know he's gonna give me shit for he's like oh rap fucking pussy and like last night I like didn't

I didn't for once in a week grab beer at dinner and he's like what the fuck's wrong with you and I'm like this is like the smallest choices for me like not to like by the way it's really funny

his last episode, I made all these things I was like, I'm not gonna zin anymore. I'm only gonna spend $80 on alcohol. Is that the ice cream truck? I guess so. You two fat says when I was pause. I'm like, I guess so. I turned back my mouth as just dripping in saliva.

Eyes pop out of your head. Yeah, it sucks on your friends do that because they'll be like, you're fat, and then you order a tequila soda. I'm like, what are you a chick? And I'm like, you're just fucking bowling me every hour straight. Yeah.

Wiles didn't know, because I had some crazy competition. where like if I had a six-pack by this bachelor party, the guy paid was, it was a whole thing. But I didn't know people around me were just lying to me the other way. But like,

I think you're really gonna get the six-pack. Everybody's like, he's not gonna get a fucking. Like they had no idea. They were like, oh, I was rooting for you. Yeah,

people were like, I didn't realize it was like physically impossible for somebody to do, which in that time period, it was literally physically impossible. Like there was no way for me to do eight and a half weeks

and get a six-pack, but. Well, because you have to, like, you were able to get cut enough that when you flexed, You have to build your abdominal muscle.

It's actually the opposite. Oh, really? So I was building my abdominal muscles for like months before that. But you can't drop a certain amount of fat in a certain time frame because your body just holds on. Like it's like, I lost 55 pounds in a half weeks, which I didn't know. Yeah, I didn't know was fucking insane until later. People were like, dude, this is like. It's really unhealthy.

Yeah, my buddy who's like an athlete's like you don't like one percent of people could do this. He's like, what you did was fucking insane. So I was like, there's no part of that where I get abs. all. Like, it's like, they were starting to show, but like five weeks if I would have kept that out, I would definitely have a six pack. I had after she didn't have a six pack. But if you ate like one piece of pizza, it would be. It would just come back. Yeah. You have like one beer. You're like, do it. Shit. It's gone. Yeah. I'm on that same boat right now. This lesbian at my job told me if I get a six pack, she'll have sex with me.

What? That's hilarious. I've been like, I haven't worked out so much in my life. Like, I've never done that. I've been counting calories for the first time ever and just getting after it. Well, that's... Dude, she has to not believe in you so much. Yeah, that's like me being like, yeah, I'll fucking let you fuck me in the ass. Like, she does not believe in you at all, dude.

Because, I mean, the last thing she wants to do is have sex with you. Yeah. That's also, what's going to happen? You guys are going to have, like, weird, semi-consensual. You know what I mean? Like, you're going to be like, no, no, no, no, no. You agree. You know what part of that is not.

uncomfortable. You walk in with a six-pack, you're just like, all right, champ, I didn't think you'd do it. And that's it. Yeah, yeah. I want to be able to breathe

how much calories I've been not eating. I want to be able to perform in the circumstance to do. Well, that's also what I realized. I was like, oh, I didn't have to, like, oh, I can't go to the gym

because I didn't have a poleteam bar. And then I was like, no, I haven't eaten in 30 hours. It didn't still go to the gym. I saw my trainer this morning, and I went to bed at five, woke up, no breakfast,

cups of coffee sweating profusely when I walked in. I wasn't even like working out yet. She was like, how are you feeling? I was like, oh, I feel like a million bucks. Yeah. I'm ready to kill it. Yeah. Just struggling through it. Oh, yeah. Well, that's where it's like, I don't know, man. Like, I don't care what my dad says. I'll rip Adderon and go to the gym sometimes. I mean, I don't go right at. It's not like I do Adderall and go straight to the gym. But, like, I'll take an Adderall and then like three hours later go to the gym and just have that like, that's not that different from taking like pre-workout. Like most pre-workouts like make your skin crawl.

Yeah. Like, so that you want to lift and it's like that's psychotic. Yeah, yeah. You feel like there's bugs in your face. It's terrifying, dude. Yeah, yeah. I've been in and out of fats like my whole,

my whole life. And like the first time I was, because I got jacked. What do you mean in and out of fats? Like I've been getting fat and then skinny fat and skinny fat and skinny fat. Okay, and you're saying you fucked a lot of fat chicks. I'm like right here with you brother.

I've been in and out of fats. I do a fat chick every quarter. Yeah, yeah. Every, like, every four months, I'll fuck a fat chick. I'll fuck it. I will have sex to the fat woman probably, like, at least once a month. Just to recalibrate? Why?

It's just fun. And, you know, it's good for the culture. And honestly, it feels really good. Like, it feels way bad. It feels so much better. Like, they give amazing head. And just, like, they just have more juices in there. Yeah, dude.

And I, like, I remember one time I was fucking this fat chick. And, uh, God. I was just like, I was, it was so hot because I'm like, you were so fat. Like in my mind, I'm like, society would judge the fuck out of me. And I just came harder. I don't know. I'm like, I'm like, first of the, I think I'm just more attracted to, uh, but it's also like whatever you are.

Like some girls look hot because they're skinny. Some girls look hot because they're fat. Yeah. And there's hot girls that are fat. Then there's like all kinds of, you know what I mean? It's like one of those things where it's like, I don't know. You don't get you, you look like I'm talking about fucking a child. I'm, we're just, no, no, no, I just, I didn't.

I, I haven't. I haven't fucked a fat chick. I haven't been on that side of the world. Dude, that's crazy. I don't think so. Not for my knowledge. I also feel like a lot of really hot chicks have fucked me, like throwing me a bone.

And I feel like I return the karma. 100%, dude. Like you got to do the full circle. And it's what I just do. Oh, when you say it like that, now I feel like a dick. Now I feel like a taker, dude. Yeah, you can't be a taker.

I'm just such a taker, man. I'm a parasite to the sex community. Yeah, you're like, what's the best I could get? That is a crime, honestly, to not. What are you, 25? 26. 26. No fact.

Lock this guy up. Yeah. I agree completely. Yeah. This is a BBW. I said I didn't want to get canceled on the foot podcast. Dude, for me, too, it's like, I think there's a thing. I'm not saying this is your case because you're very handsome guy.

Oh, thanks, Michael. Yeah. But I, that was so fucking gay in me. Dude, I didn't even look you in the face. You were very handsome. I was like, let me guy cut. You're so cute, dude. Dude, please don't look at me eyes.

No. But, like, it's one of those things, too, I think there's a lot of guys that are scared of what other people would think, so they don't want to fuck like fat girls, but I'm like, you fuck your hand all the time. It's like a nice smelling fat lady

is like such a step up from that. But it's like one of those things too where people are like, I think a lot of people are like, oh, people will judge me. It's like, nah, dude, something like the studliest guys I know will just fuck whoever.

And that's, that is the truth. If I am like bored, I have no standards. I do not have standards. If I have time, money in my pocket, and I'm like looking around. There's not a lot of great options. I'm like, I will basically fuck any woman on the planet.

I mean, I don't, I don't judge. I'm not looking at you guys like, holy shit. Why would you? It's not that. I just did. I don't know. Yeah. By the way, that, that standard changes dramatically. Like, I walk into the bar and it's, oh, it's contextual. It's 10 p.m. I'm like, no fucking way. I'm like, you're not a supermodel. Absolutely not. And then it's like three. And I'm like, three a.m. You're like, well, yeah. And you don't have to tell anyone either. No. Yeah. You were like, I don't want people to judge. Like, yeah, just don't advertise it then. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that has happened before. I was on a date recently and then like the girl's not very attractive and then the comic like walked into a bar that I knew and I was like, don't look over here. I was like, but I don't know. That's me caring about what people think which is really lame. I think it's pretty lame to just like judge other people on that type of shit. Yeah, well, there's always that guy who gets like no fucking pussy and he's always just like,

oh, you were in home with that girl. It's like, who did you fuck? It's like nobody, unless you're a rock star, it's like, you're not like, you me it's like you're you're you're not fucking like uh like i thought being single was like only fucking attractive women always no it's like you fuck some ugly girls most of the time you fuck girls that are kind of cute and then occasionally you fuck a really hot girl that's like how it works or unless i mean some people are out there just fucking launch and peen but yeah why'd you give me that look you're the guy that launches peen yeah i do all right for myself yeah yeah

i've been trying to it's not catching on i've been saying launch launch for like a week I'll help you I'll help you launch PIN I'll help you launch launch PIN My PIN got launched Don't though We talked about the last one Oh yeah

Yeah yeah I banked some guy's wife And found out I'm 100% straight But uh Wait you found out You found out your straight Yeah From banging someone

By the way I was like 98% sure You weren't questioning it There was gay thoughts Everybody's had gay thoughts But I realized those are just Clearly decoration Because I was fucking this guy's wife

And he high fives me And then like locked hands Oh And then just launched me into his wife's pussy. And I was just like, I don't like this. And I was like, scientifically though, I was like, this is good leverage. Like I was like, we should have been like a ski rope where each guy holds a handle and comes back and forth. But I was like, yeah, I don't like being touched by it.

Like, I was, it was weird how much. And I don't think he was gay. I think we were just partying and something weird kind of happened. But I was like, I really don't like that. I was like, I, I'm not. Yeah. That's hilarious. I think he was just getting into it, dude.

I don't think he was gay either. No, I don't think so at all that. I think it was one of those moments that, like, it's like, the guy, they took me out for a nice dinner. And part of you feels kind of, I didn't want to just be like, you know? You can't do that. Yeah, I'm having sex with this guy's wife.

And then you're like, you're a guest in their home. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like if you try some foods you don't like and you're like, oh, this is great. Yeah, you still got to be like, I love this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was like, yeah, I learned something really new about myself. that I mean because oh you always like you're always like I'm straight but then you know you have like a weird thought where you're like I'll be friends with that you're like I want that guy and my friend group full of handsome guys and then you're like that's something a gay guy would say you're like am I gay and then you're having sex with a woman and a guy touches you and you're like get the fuck away immediately I'm like a fucking staunch conservative I'm like I don't think they should get married

like shifting yeah switch on a dime yeah yeah that's so funny close the boy close the bowl order. Like immediately everything changes. But it is, um, yeah, yeah, I don't know. I also got to stop avoiding eye contact when I was talking about this stuff because it's like, I'm like, I'm an open sexual guy. The second I talk about touching another man during sex, I'm like looking at the car. guys, I'm straight as hell. I'm so fucking straight. You guys have no idea. Launching you into her is awesome. Like you're like he's putting you in a roller coaster. He's like, get in there. He's your boy, dude. That's like a father-son moment. He should say check this shit out. Like, he should have been something like that.

Hey, buddy, strap in. or strap on. Launching peat in three, two. Because I was like, this is the deepest I've been in a vagina. So I'm like, scientifically, you know, there's something here. Never could have done it without him. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

I was like, you know what I was thinking of this? What if I had like a fucking like a row system like on my wall? So if I was doing doggy, I could just pull myself as far as I can into a vagina. I think I want to, I want to get like a running start sometime. It's just like I have a girl like bent over at the other end of the room and like sprint and see if I can just like one hand on the ground. Yeah. You guys have never been like have you ever been sexually assaulted by a gay guy? Yes. Well, not like to a degree that was like show us on the doll where he touched you. Yeah.

Salah Garrick, have you guys ever been molested? And like you have a serious look on your face? I'm like, I've had a gay guy like touched my stomach once. Yeah, I've had a dude like grope me in a bar and I was like, all right, chill out. But. What happened to you? I thought you, it sounded like you were like, have you been raped, but you did it with small talk. I'm like, that's not normal about how you have this conversation. I have, yeah, I said, besides, like, one time a gay guy, like, touched my, like, it was after a show. And the guy was like, too, great set bread. He's like, super bro.

He, like, disguised as a straight guy. And he just put his fingers under my shirt and touched, like, right here. Oh. And it was like, it was like way less into it. If you would have, like, pinch the tip of my penis, I've been like, that was less uncomfortable than, like, somebody touching my stomach. Exactly. Because my friends would, like, nuttap me all the time. flick my dick, you know, that's very straight.

But like, to do that, that's like... And like, at first one that happened, like, this guy, like, this has happened multiple times, but, like, the first time, you're like, all right, whatever. And the second time, you kind of remember, like, all right, this is a dude. I got to, like, set my ground here. And you kind of kind of get, like, aggressive a little bit because they're not going to fucking stop.

Well, that's the thing that annoys me is, like, if a gay dude hits on me or makes a move and it's the first time, I'm just like, hey, flattered, but, like, I don't swing that way. fine. Like, that's whatever. But it's the persistency that gets to me. And it's the same thing for like, it doesn't matter who it is. Just like if you're trying to fuck someone just incessantly, that gets old, dude. Like, you're like, I might need to fight this gig. Yeah. It's like, all right, man. Like, you're really nice about it. Well, the funny bars you say you're flattered because this is how, this is made. It is flat. It is flattering. To me, I'm like,

no, you're a dude, so you have no standards. So immediately if a gay guy hits him, I don't even take it as a compliment. I'm like, I will say thank you. But in my mind, I'm like, yeah, but You'd fuck like a fucking hole in my wall. You're a guy. Like in my mind, I'm like, you're, but, but I'm never like, as I'm never like super bothered. I'm like, oh, thank you. But it's like, it's not a, the funny is his is JJ, because he just does nothing but neg me. He's always just like, Leberman.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And I lost weight. He's just like, ah, you, you look gross. And I'm like, dude, you would not be saying that. You are not, this is some weird angle you're playing. But, yeah, the persistence of you, people are like. like, yeah, that's, but I, I've never had a gay guy, like, persistently tried to fuck me. I've only had, like, people like, I mean, I was an Uber driver and this dude was like,

I would, I would suck your dick if you're straight. And I was like, oh, thanks. But I wasn't like, I've never been at a point where he's like, no, no, no, this is going to, like, I've never gotten that. No, I've, I've had to, like, set a ground. I be like, hey, man, like, it was funny a couple times, but, like, I'm actually not going to fuck you, like, stop trying. Yeah, dang.

Yeah. No, I've had the, like, set, like, a. Well, you're a handsome guy. See, my eyes actually opened. I said at that time. I didn't look at the floor. It was really good eye contact. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was great. I felt something. The funniest one I had is a walk-through hotel room, this bald guy with, like, he looked like, what's his name? Have you ever seen an office? Who's a guy that plays the bald guy who's friends with Michael Scott? Oh, Rob. Cork?

Not Rob. A guy in Anchorman. Yeah, yeah. He's like, oh, um, fuck, I don't know. I know who you're talking about. Yeah. like him with glasses, like polo tucked in the khakis. And the guy's like, yo, come to floor 28.

I was like, uh, what's on floor 28? He goes, I'll suck your dick. And I was like, nah, he goes, come on. As if it was like, ice cream. And I was like, now he goes, come on. I goes, man, have a good. Like, it was just one of those. Like, I was like, that's funny though.

Like, that's really funny. Because I'm like, was he just, it was a hotel lobby and I passed him. And we high five jokes. And I was just like, ah. And I was like, ah. And I was like, it's hilarious that this guy is just wandering the floor. He's like, I can probably fucking sex. I want the confidence of a gay guy

trying to get a heterosexual man. Like that confidence is insane. The confidence is to be like, I'm going to change the, I'm going to turn them. That's crazy. Oh, they just shoot their shot like all the time.

Yeah. Wherever they are. Well, and I think it's like crazy because when I was a kid, like we'd go down to the beach when we were like 13, 14, we'd see a group of girls be like, oh, let's just go talk.

There's just a group of girls and they'll get a bar all the other. But like on the train, I'll make all kinds of excuses not to talk to a cute girl on the train. I'll be like, you know, she's got, you know, headphones in and no legs or something like that.

And I'm like, no, I need to. I don't know. I don't need to. But I'm like, I think women are usually flattered if you're, if you're not creepy, you just like, strike up a conversation. But I do think that there's locations where like, and I got a girl's number on the subway. But like the subway to me is one of them where I'm like, this person is just commuting. I don't want to make them even the slightest bit uncomfortable.

Totally. But she started talking to me and I was like, okay, I'll like that, that's a green light. But like at a gym, like at the gym, yeah, at fucking, yeah, like on the, I don't know. I guess it's also, if it's on the subway on like a night out, that's very different than the subway, like, coming home from work. And I think it's just context clues because it's like, I think you can go up and then just like say something. And then if you don't, you need to get like a pretty, you know, they need to lead it after you like introduce. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. But you can just kind of like feel it out.

But like, I remember what time of the gym, I thought this hot Latina chick was hitting on me. Because she was coming by and I'm doing this like bad kickers eyes. I'm like, here we go. All right. All right, lady. I'll give, let's hear where you got. And she said, your form is terrible. She's like, I don't normally tell people this,

but I just don't want you to hurt yourself. So, like, you know, this is actually how you should do this exercise. She was just not hitting on me. She was just telling me I was going to get injured. She was worried about my back. It didn't work out? No, I mean, she was just coming by to say, like, don't hurt yourself. I would have taken that as a sign.

I'd be like, yeah. You know what? You know how I would like to hurt my back. Fucking you. Get kicked out of planet. Yeah. I got this rowing machine in my room. It launches my pain.

What gym do you go to? I go to the blink over there. Okay. Are there hot chicks there? Oh, at a time. But it just gets so fucking crowded. And then it's like, I don't know, you get a lot of people bringing in Bluetooth speakers. Bluetooth speakers to the gym? Yeah.

That would hit the lung alarm at Planet Fitness. That's a criminal offense. That's a very strict policy. Yeah, that should just be a rule. It's one of those things where it's like, dude, I was like benching one time I was like, I had the music in my headphones, the music at the gym and this guy's Bluetooth speaker. And I was like, this is completely over stimulating. I work at a Vital, the climbing gym over there. He goes there too. And it's, it's so, I get the free

membership, but it's nice. It's 160. It's so nice because they're not like 16 year olds. They're like sharing a bench for, like, two hours. Yeah, there's two bench prices in my gym, which is fucking insane. And they're just like dog each other. But I used to be that 16 year olds. I can't get bad at them. Wait, so I actually, I used to love indoor rock climbing. What else is at the gym? It's 160 a month, so I will never pay that. But what's like the...

It's like, there's like fitness area, yoga cycling. Do they have like, could I just go for the day to just rock? Like, how much is the day passed? Yeah, I can get you in for free whenever. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah, you got to come do it. Dude, let's all go climbing. Yeah, we can go climbing.

It's so much fun. Get on some Asian girls. It'll be fun. There's so many there. Dude, I'll just like, be like, do they have any rope ones where I can just kind of like repel down and just beg what's up? You go to the one in Harlem, yeah. Okay.

I'm pretty sure, right? I don't think they have any ropes now. I think he's just all bordering. Oh, really? There are climbing gyms that have ropes in New York, but I guess none of them are vital. Yeah. And there's like some weird characters that come in. There was a Nazi that came in one time.

He was a... How'd you know? Well, he was coming in. He had five instant reports within two weeks of being a member. Okay, so bad. And then, like, he was just being dicks to, like, all the members and the staff. And then one day he comes in, takes your shirt off. and then just like a giant swastick on this arm

and another one on this arm and this is all like progress this is in Williamsburg? In Williamsburg. Oh my God, yeah. And this is all like progressive like Brooklyn is. Like there's people on the staff that are like, well, he is Indian so it's like a Hindu thing.

Wait, wait, wait. I am confused by this. He's an Indian Nazi? Yeah. Are you sure that was not just the Hindu symbol? But it was giant and there was no, there was like the tilt to it. It had the angle?

They had the angle. Yeah, but what Nazi group is letting an Indian guy in? I have said this before. Indians and Hispanics, though, Adolf Hiller never really, like, said his opinion on. So I get them being kind of like... They were kind of out of his wheelhouse, man.

They weren't really like... I think he liked India. He loved Asians. Did he? Yeah, like Japanese. He was like, they were like, another superior race. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, yeah. You would probably be transracial Japanese today. Yeah, yeah. But he, yeah, he had a giant... Well, he was a Nepo baby. Like, his dad was a millionaire. So I think he was like an in-cell nepo baby.

And then he sent like, one of our like managers at the time was like Jewish. And he sent her like some mail, some like email, like some anti-Semitic stuff. That's so funny. You just be like typing and editing it and like using like grammarly on your anti-Semitic. Okay. Oh, it's a K, not a C. That's how you spell that slur. Okay.

Yeah, that's like so, but it's so weird too because like at first I'd be like this, like my first reaction is like, no, no, there's no way this guy's indianity. in Ananath. With the way the world works now, I'm like, now the world, I'm like, yeah, there's anything anything is possible. I mean, I have like a, what I tell you about that? I have a fucking Hitler joke, and then like,

find out, like, half the audience is like kind of pro-Hitler, but like vague about it. I'm like, what is going on? Wait, what? Dude, I had some joke. I was talking about, like, Hitler being in hell, and someone's like, I don't think he's in hell. I was like, what? And she's like, well, if you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, then you will always go to heaven.

And I was like, yeah, but he killed the suicide thing's weird because Catholics think that if you kill yourself, if for a while they were like, you don't go to heaven because you didn't repent to your sin. The only way it would work is if on your way to hell you repent, you know what I mean? Because I'm like... Oh yeah, on your way out. Right, because you sinned and then it's like the only thing where like you sin and then you like don't have time to repent because you did that. You know what I mean? Your sin is your death. You know what I mean? I guess there's other things you could die sinning, but like... Okay, I see. whether pro Hitler or just Catholic or shit? She would not cough it up. I'm like, ma'am, look, open form, are you pro Hitler?

She's like, I just think God, nobody's in hell. I was like, well then Hitler's not hell, nobody's in hell. I was like, what is this? Like, you could say hell doesn't exist, but I, you know, introduce your ideas a little better. Like, what are you? Like, I was like, I couldn't get it out of her, like, what she thought. And I was like, do you think Hitler was a good guy?

And then this other woman in the crowd's black lady, he's like, I think Kanye's the man. And I'm like, all right. And it was like, well, that's where I'm like, it's like one in the morning. And I'm like trying to like, I'm like, expand. And people just like won't expand. I'm like, you're brave enough to say it is. So like, tell me what you think.

Yeah, people are fucking retarded. It's crazy. It's so funny too. I love people that are like, no, have you seen Hillary speeches like translated? I'm like, yeah, he wasn't saying kill all the Jews in his first speech. Like, obviously he got elected to like. He was winning him over somehow. And then he got bad after.

I just, I really hate like people that are like not good critical thing. And I'm like, the second some ideas introduced, they're like, I don't know, man, this is this. And you're like, just think for a set. I don't know. It's like, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, there's a, well, like, propaganda used to be different back then, but now it's just like memes.

Yeah, and Superman movies, not funny. And like. Well, yeah, that's what I heard is. I haven't seen it yet, but I heard it's like kind of anti-Semitic. It's not. People, Superman is Jewish. I mean, the actor is. Yeah.

Okay, so that's different than the character. Superman being Jewish. I've been joking about that way too much all week about him being like, I'm allergic to more than just krypton night. They better not be there better not be peanuts in this. The whole movie is in eating and being like but no,

it's like, so like the reasons, first off, it's not like where I'm with my whole family, my dad's pretty conservative, and he was like, that wasn't woke. Like, unless I went to the bathroom and then like, I was in the bathroom for five minutes. So unless Superman was just making out with a black guy in heels, maybe that happened when I was in the bad thing. But like, it's just a

regular superhero movie. And like, the thing people are saying, okay, so like there's a war in the movie where it's these fake countries that have been in the DC universe since like the 30s or whatever and one of them is like brown people and one of them,

there's like a larger white country that's taking over a brown country and I'm like, okay, this is also like every war that's ever, you know what I mean? It's not like, like I don't. This is Britain and other places.

Yeah, this is so many wars. And I'm like, and I looked at the timeline of when he wrote the movie and it was like, he finished the first draft before October 7th. So I don't, like,

Israel Palestine was happening, but I don't think he was like, oh, this is big. Let me change a couple things in the script and, like, make this about Israel Palestine. Like, I think, like, in some ways, there's, like, a colonial aspect to it. But that's, like, so many wars.

And, like, I don't think he was like, let me make an anti-Israel film, like, October 4th of, like, 2023. I mean, also, like, most superheroes and both, like, DC and Marvel comics originated as, like, wartime propaganda. Yeah, I have to be.

Totally. So, like, it's not shocking that retelling a Superman story is, like, adjacent to that in some way. Yeah, 100%. Again, haven't seen the movie. So, I don't know. I literally thought, I mean, I saw and I thought this was no war that's going on. My sister's, like, I think it's Russia, Ukraine. I'm like, people just see movies and they're like, this is actually now about my thing.

You're like, this is not, like, maybe a little bit, but it's like, that's, I don't know. People are confusing their interpretation with what the director intended. or the writer. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But it was fucking incredible. Dude, I walked in, because, like,

months before that, I was in the movie theaters and it was a commercial for the Thunderbolts, which was just the garbage. It was like, we're not the Avengers, but we're the best they got now.

And I'm like, how many times are we going to make this movie? This is like every... I didn't see that. No, but it was like that and then the Minecraft commercial and I was like,

I want to stick a gun in my mouth. I'm like, the future of movies is just people shitting down my throat. The Minecraft movie ruled. Was it good? Yeah. Did you see it?

No, Well, I got to be less close-minded, because I was wrong about Superman too. I walked in Superman thinking, like, this can be a pile of garbage. And I cried multiple times. And I was like, this is a great movie. It was fucking awesome. Like, he did things that other people did badly. Like, I was like, I hate when they just throw a bunch of superheroes in a movie.

And he did that. And I was like, never mind. That guy's fun. That guy's got a personality. All right. Yeah. The Minecraft movie was awesome. I was also so high when I saw it.

Like, which you kind of have to be for that one. But, no, I was really worried that. it was going to be super cringy and just feel like a bunch of adults that tried to make something for like middle schoolers. Yeah. It actually just sounds like a bunch of middle schoolers that know the fucking like

brain rot meme lingo that is like current on the internet right now. Yeah. Also have an incredible knowledge of like story structure. That was how it felt and I was like, oh, okay, they kind of nailed it. That's fun. Well, kids are like wildly creative. Yeah. Like if you could get yourself to a kid like brain but with adults, story telling understanding, then you can

win the best writers all time. Because it's like adults just are so... I don't know. It's like, you're like... I don't know. How you sit in a room, you're like, I don't make a Superman movie. Like, you gotta be so fucking like... Well, that goes back to the whole like trans-pedophilia movement that you were speaking about earlier. What? Oh, yeah. That I'm so passionate about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, no, no, no. In my mind, I'm a child, so I can fuck them because, like, technically, that's how it works. Was Minecraft anti-Semitic? I didn't think so. Oh, okay. I didn't, I don't... I don't think they touched on any of that. Yeah.

Like he's pickaxing a tunnel. Yeah. It was two hours of Jack Black and a green screen. Dude, so you can get that political with it. Yeah, but yeah, I don't know.

And I thought too, like, yeah, I don't know, it made me feel good. Like, I walked out of that movie, I was like,

I feel good. And I was like, it was nothing like any Superman movie I've seen before because it was like, there's fucking all kinds of dinosaur aliens and like fucking green babies and all that's like weird shit. And a dog.

I was like, I never seen a dog and a superhero like live action movie and it's all working together and I was like that, but he still felt like Superman, like he'd do some Superman shit you're like, that's fucking Superman. Because my like, complaint going in was like, Superman's not a very in-depth character. It's like every Superman movie, I'm like, what is he going to do the right thing again, all this stuff?

I don't know, I was just like, it's stupid. But like this one, he was like kind of flawed and like the perfect amount where he was still like heroic but he was still like, he's like a little arrogant and I was like, oh, this is kind of cool. Like, I don't know. They did it well. And everybody in my family fucking loved it. We were like, that was great.

I think that's why Ironman was sick. He's, like, a flawed character. Yeah, yeah. Tony Stark is, like, a very flawed individual. Yeah, but like, it's like he's a believable. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. You're like, I know this guy and like the characters don't.

We're like, who was it fucking, uh... Yeah, no, man of steel, he, like, kills some guy that's, like, gonna kill a family. And he's like, no! You're like, he's flawed. He's not flawed. He's like, saved a baby. Yeah, justified decision. Yeah, but, um...

I love Iron Man. That was one of my favorites. Right. That one in Spireman 3. It's still one of my favorite. Dude, I like it, dude. I like, is that when he's in the jet and he's like using the hologram or whatever in the private jet? No, Spider-Man 3 is where he's Venom. Toby McGuire. And he's doing like a dance. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. No, that was a good movie. Yeah.

What happens he like pushes Mary Jane or something? Oh, he hits her. Yeah, he's dance. He brings a chick. He brings this hot white chick to a blonde to the jazz club. And he like does his whole dance routine where he's like hip thrusting. And then, like, he, like, he does it in front of Mary Jane. And then they get, like, he was like, was that for her? And he was just like, yeah. And then he's fighting the security guard chose to take him out. He turns and, like, backhands her.

But I remember, does he intentionally backhanders? It was by accident, but he still did it. Yeah. He's like, I don't even know who you are anymore. I'm just like, and he can see, like, the venom in him. And he like, damn, dude, dude, dude, dude, then, dude. That's somebody, too, that, like, that was Sam Ramey's idea of a cool guy

in like 2008. He's like, you know he is? These guys like his hair down here. He's wearing like a black suit and like doing jazz. I was like, you just showed how much of a fucking nerd you are. Like that's the coolest Spider-Man. That's the coolest version you can think of.

He answers the phone. He just like, Shalom at one point. Yeah. I guess Spider-Man 3 is more antithecut and Superman. That's so funny. Yeah, that girl's making him cookies. He's like eating him.

He's got any milk? Yeah. He answers the phone. Shalom. Yeah, that would be fun. They're like, Spider-Man 3 is evil. He's just speaking Yiddish. You're like, all right.

All right. Yeah. He's not using the web anymore. He's in the tunnels. Yeah. He's just running underground. Yeah. No, I like, I said, I had a great show.

I did a crazy gig. I did a gig at a Veterans Hall. I saw that on your story. Bro. I had some wild gig. So it was like a Veterans Hall. And I was like, we showed up. They were so excited.

And they're like, we've never had comedy here before. We're so excited. excited. And I was also kind of like, I don't think you guys know. Like I was like, yeah, this is not. I was like, maybe this will go well. Like, it was like, I was, I was looking in optimistically. And my buddy opened up the show, and the veterans are having fun

because some of them were like, I realize veterans are all different people. Like, in your mind, you think of like one kind of thing. You think of like a straight edge guy or like kind of like a tatted up guy. And I was like, oh, these are, you have like half the room that's like tatted up sailor dudes who are like wild. Some dude who's talking about banging

lady boys in Thailand. And then usually have a family, like this uptight. Like we had one table that was just like disgusted, dude. It was like, these like old ladies, they were just like, oh, oh. And the husband's like, I'm going to say something. I kept hearing him. What? The guy, I kind of opened up the show.

And I was like, he's like, I'm going to say something. His wife's like, don't say anything. But this is terrible. And then they left. And then the rest of them were fun, but just like, I was like, oh, this is some people. I've never seen such a, my friend called some lady a bitch in the front row. And he like, four times. It was funny, too, because I left the room.

Was she a veteran or she was a family member? She was a family member, yeah. So you could, yeah, you could, yeah, you could, I was going to say, like, don't do that to the veteran at the veteran show. That was the weird balance because I really, I'm like, yeah, you can make fun of anything, but I was a giant pussy. I was like, I'm not going to make fun of these heroes. I don't even know what we wore everybody, but I was just like,

those were just a giant bald eagle behind me and all these, like, uh, like, flags with different shit on it that I have no idea what it is. You know, like a flag with, like, four ribbons on it. I'm like, that's like for somebody who got like their legs. I have no idea what this is. But I know nothing about veteran culture or anything like that. But the guy, the funniest is the guy who took us in. He's like, I was asking guy.

I'm like, how are ticket sales? The guy running the whole thing. He's just like this fat guy with glasses. And he's like, yeah, I worked the CIA, the DOJ, the FBI. So nothing gets by me. Oh, great man. So is it we're like, so how's the event break? He's like, I sat.

You see where you are right now? I've been that close to Ronald Reagan. my favorite thing too is like he totally wanted me some people act like they don't want you to thank you for their service but he's like yeah no i was 9-11 ground zero and it's just like staring at me and i'm like oh wow i'm like did you get you didn't give it to him i think before i said it may but i was like i don't know what you do i'm like that's good you've done more than me but like what is this conversation this is a weird conversation no he's just he's trying to just like kind of flex like about you.

Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. No, you go ahead. Well, that's just like his whole idea. I mean, he's just working at the veteran place. Yeah. Around those guys all day, it's probably all he thinks of all the time. Because it's like, I guess the guys he's talking to, he's like saying his criteria.

He's just talking about like different government gun permits he has. And I was like, so closer to 30 or 40 where are we at with tickets. Next show show up, no microphone on a farm. It's like a restaurant and a farm. The woman goes, you can't say. Lord's name in vain, you can't say fuck. And I did it. The whole set, not saying that, but I was in no microphone.

So we just look like crazy people just yelling in a restaurant. Just an acopal. Yeah, and I don't normally drink on stage, but I had a beer, and you feel so crazy when you're standing in a restaurant for people eating pizza, and you have, like, a beer in your hand, and you're yelling at them. What kind of vets were they, like, older? Yeah, they were older.

Like, Vietnam or, like, Afghanistan? I have no idea. They were, I would say, like, the youngest guy there was probably 50. Oh, man. Yeah. This is an older audience. Yeah.

And one guy I remember I was talking about, I was like, I can't win here. He's like, you never could win. Like, he kind of almost was like a spirit animal where he's like, you knew this. He's like, there's no way you win this. Did you try to do like vet, like vet lingo or anything? No, no.

Well, it was like, they would like, the funnest people there were heckling. So you're like, it's fucking annoying because you're like, you're drunk as shit, but you're fun. You're not like this uptight bitch over here. And it was also funny too because my buddy One of the old ladies

Working that came out She's like, she like, thank you for a woman, that woman's a total bitch. That woman's a total bitch. But it's funny watching like, I mean,

I caved a bunch too and pandered and became a giant pussy points, but I left the room. My buddy's like, loosen up, you old bitch. And I was like,

I'm like, nervous, but I'm like, do your thing, brother. And then I come in five minutes later, he goes, we all like a Home Depot,

right? We like a Lowe's. We like a Home Depot. And I was like, ha, ha, ha, you pussy i was like i know what you're doing right now but uh that's stuff scary if i remember i did a show for this all cholo's like in a warehouse and that's scary terrifying

i had the host and it was just me another mexican three jewish guys and the only i had to pander them i was bombing and the only way to do that was by saying tranny that's the only way let me go ahead and throw somebody else under the bus to pick up my said I had to call one of their friends and he fucks Shranian and that like killed and I felt like I felt like a hooker after

I was like I'm not proud of that at all I got used I got used for their pleasure that's how I feel but the other way I'll be like oh man I should have done that baby joke like it's like I'm doing

less bad things technically but mentally I'm like you're a fucking coward like I hate myself when I just like throwing a smile like like that's where I hate myself but I

I kind of love having people in the audience that are like disgusted with what I'm doing on stage I hate it dude no I think it's so funny well I don't want like the whole audience to feel like that

yeah although you could play with that too but no if if like a good amount of people are enjoying it and then there's one table of people that are just like fucking during their thing that cracks me up I love just seeing like

what stuff in my set's gonna make them uncomfortable I want to see where the edge is for them I want to watch them get up and be like, we can't take this anymore. Yeah. This heathen up here. It is funny because everybody does have it. Like, if you're doing like longer sets, you're like at some point you guys are good at that, even though the coolest person in the room is going to get like a little.

Yeah, they're going to be like, I don't know if I can laugh at that. Yeah, but it never catches you where you think it is. Like I, the set I did on Saturday. I was like, I was headlining. So I'm doing this like really long set. And then randomly, I like talked to shit about the gators briefly. And so it was like, hey. I was like, what the fuck?

I can't even say fuck on stage. Gators, like the sports team is what fucking offends you. It's like that. But say, it's hard for me because I get it. I'm like, I get where you're coming from. Like, you just came out for a nice night and I'm talking about fucking a trans lady.

Like, I totally get you. But I have trouble feeding myself to people. Because I'm like, dude, I fucking, two weeks ago, I did catamine and banks of guy's wife. And then I'm like, here talking to people and I'm like, I don't know. I don't think I'm a bad person. I don't think you're a bad person.

But how do I meet in the middle here where I'm like not selling out. out who I am, but I'm also not like, you know. A monster. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Because you did just come out here and now I'm yelling in a restaurant with a beer in my hand. Yeah, I think with those churlas they told me after, like, yeah, you guys are funny,

but I just couldn't show any emotion. They're just not allowed to. Yeah, in front of my friends are like, yeah, I can't show emotion from my friends. I'm like, what do you? And then what also, I think why we bombed is that they got a bunch of strippers to come after. So, yeah. We were just like the pregame. They're like, get these fucking guys off here.

And like, they were just, like, horned up. Dude, that's hilarious. And they all got in a giant, there's 50 of them. All got in a giant circle and these strippers came out and they were, they were beat, dude. I mean, that place smelled weird. I can't imagine being a stripper. It's like, yeah, you're going to do, you know, 40 thugged out guys in a circle and you're in the, I guess that is a lot of strip clubs in general. But, yeah, go into a warehouse.

And a warehouse. And, yeah, dude, it was, it got, it got weird. But I stayed in the corner. They kept feeding me beers. I just watched. I was like, this is crazy. Yeah. I wonder if the strippers thought you were just like the one slow cholo.

They're just giving your beer so you can watch in the corner silent lynch. Yeah, the prodigy. You're watch Sanjay Anarchy, a prospect. Yeah. Do you ever do like Spanglish stand-up? No, I don't speak Spanish. Really? Where are you from?

I'm from Woodier. Where's that? It's like Southern California. Okay. Yeah. I'm half Mexican, Ecuadorian, but yeah, like all me and my cousins, my friends, we don't speak Spanish because they want us to be like white. shit. Interesting. But now, like,

I'm many of these kids and they, they're, like, fully white kids that speak Spanish because it's, like, cool now and I'm, like, it pissing me off so much. Yeah, because I speak very small amount of Spanish, but, like, I'm working on my Spanish. That's very funny that you speak none at all. No. I mean, like, I can, like, if I go to Central America sometimes, I'll figure

like how to order stuff. Or, honestly, the best thing is, like, date someone. Like, I was trying to hook up with this girl that spoke Spanish. And I used a lot of Google Translate to finish the deal, but stuff was coming out of me that I never even know you had it yeah you're trying to get laid I've been on the reverse that which is hilarious I want to date

with like an older Italian woman and that was the weirdest thing where I was like I never been on a date where the other person's trying so hard but it's just to speak English she's like are you and your friend and I'm like am I fucking a retarded like part of me felt kind of like like a little bit like uncomfortable like whatever it's gonna sound like sometimes if I hear somebody speaking broken English, I'm like, are you lost? Like, in my mind, I'm mentally like, you fear, you're in a tougher environment.

Does it make any sense? I don't think she's retarded, but I'm like, I do feel like in a way, I'm like, you are, do you know exactly, if you're, do you know what I'm saying? Like, if I'm gonna, I think Americans are way less forgiving of people that struggle with English than any other country is of people struggling with their language. But when somebody's struggling,

it feels weird trying to fuck them. You know what I mean? They're like, yeah, you know what I'm saying? I'm like, yeah, it feels weird trying to fuck you when you're like, I hate trying to fuck people who are struggling while I'm trying to fuck that. Yeah, it feels a little weird. But yeah, I don't know. I think, yeah, I'd like to learn Spanish better, but.

I had a good amount of Spanish. It's one of those, like, use it or lose it things, at least for me. Yeah, yeah. Like, I didn't, like, grow up speaking it. But I had, like, a pretty good, like, handle of it. But, like, I was at a, I was at this restaurant last night. and I guess it was a Cuban restaurant.

I don't know. But I was with this group of girls that I met like after a show and we all went to this restaurant. And they're all ordering in Spanish. And I'm like, I know how to order in Spanish, but I'm the only white person at the table, like, including the waiter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I just don't think I can do it. I don't think I can bring myself to do it. But then I ordered a Mishalada and this girl like, it was like she broke her neck.

She was like, oh, you're cultured. It's a beer with hot sauce in it. What are you talking about? By the way, let me clarify. I just want to learn Spanish to get pussy. No, I just, it's the same reason I want to like, I want to read a bunch of religious text. I just want to be a cunt sometimes.

And I'm going to be able to know things and be like, oh, actually it says in the Torah. You know what I mean? Like, I want to like just be able to show off a little bit. Like there's no, I don't think it would, maybe I'd help like one lady get to the airport. But outside of that, it would just be me to flex a little bit. You just want to be, I don't know, you're a rower, like, Outentro! Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Then I also became an uncle. Oh, nice. Congrats, dude. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. That's sick.

I couldn't get near the baby. Because I had like a... Were you trying to fuck it or what? No. No, no, no, no. It is funny, too, because I was all say some shit on the podcast, and I'm like, they're never going to let me hold the baby. Like, I'll just say some shit.

They're not going to let me fucking near that thing with the shit I've said. But no, it's like, uh, my brother was talking to me. he's like, how do you feel right now? I was like, well, I've had a cough for a week, but I always had allergies. And he's like, yeah, no. He's like, you're going to stay in like 20 feet away. But it's still crazy. You're like, that thing fucking looks like me.

And I was like, I know it's not my kid, but it is kind of like... You definitely feel an attachment to it. Totally, yeah. I was like, if anybody fucking gets near that thing, I'm the fucking stabbing. Like, I got crazy, but I was just like, it's the cutest thing in the world. And it's like, it's wild, dude. Just a wave of emotions. I'm so glad I'm not a parent, though.

But it's funny too, because I've also realized, too, I can't talk about it too much. Because when other people talk about their baby, I'm like, yeah, I don't get your shit. You know what I mean? I'm like, other people are... It's not even your kid either. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm like, with this one, I'm so excited about it. But I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, trying to keep it minimal because I'm like, you know, there's so many babies that you're like, nobody's going to fuck about this baby besides the family.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's fun having them around, though. Yeah, yeah. It's just like, it slows down time and stuff. Totally, yeah, yeah. You just feel like, yeah, you kind of tap into that.

you're kind of on their schedule like you're at their mercy to an extent you know because you got to keep them alive yeah it's crazy i'm fucking i knew they're weak and shit but like he's got to like hold his head its head'll just fucking yeah no you gotta keep them up but you can't you can't keep them supine for too long or you get flat spots you got to like you know that no yeah yeah no yeah no if you leave a baby just like on its back for too long it'll just get a fucked up head it'll have a flat spot because their skulls like still kind of forming oh my and then if you leave it on its face too long it could get it's it could just suffocate itself. Yeah.

Oh my gosh. They'll come out looking like one of those school buses with the flat front. Yeah. Like JJ the jet plane or like a Thomas the train where it's just got a flat face. Yeah. Yeah, it's, man, I am going to keep wearing condoms because that is a terrifying life. Like it's so funny too that like the best life for somebody is like my worst nightmare is having a kid.

Oh yeah. I mean the financial burden of it alone, let alone like the time suck. And yeah. And I don't trust. nine, really. Yeah, I don't trust. I trust them because they, like, made it happen. They were, like, were married and stuff like that. But other people that, like, accidentally have kids, sometimes I'm like,

really? Is it, is as good as, or did you fuck up? And you have to say, this is awesome. Is it? You know, I mean, I'm like, I don't really know, because everybody, no matter what, it's not going to be like, this is a huge mistake, never do it. But everybody who has a kid's like, now I'm best decision in my life. I'm like, well, it also wasn't your decision because you didn't work on them. But, you know what I mean? Like,

I guess your decision to keep it, but I don't know. Do you think you can fuck someone like in New York and it would be like I'm keeping it I just feel like the odds of that heard solo I don't know I've came inside one woman and it was one date never saw her again she showed me her birth control beforehand

she's like here's my birth control I took it I don't have any STDs you can come inside me and I did it immediately I was like oh my God I'm gonna be a fucking dad to a British kid and all this stuff this girl asked me to come inside her and I was like wait you're like on birth control right and she was like oh yeah of course I was like

just before like if anything does happen she was like oh we'll suck that thing out with a vacuum yeah no I was like oh sick all right yeah dope as long as we're on the same page I'll split it with you but we're getting rid of that oh yeah well my thing is like for me it would just be her decision the end of the day

no yes it would be but I I'd rather you hear that shit Michael you're pandering again no no yeah it would be her decision it's her body but like also I figured I'd ask before. Yeah.

Just before we're even in that situation. I feel like what my mind thinks when I go ask me to come, I'm like, oh, my, like, she knows my bank account. And like, that's birth control. That's why I feel too a lot. I am like, yeah, there's like, no fucking, that's why I think I'm also a good guy to fuck people's wives because they're like, what's this? This guy's not going to steal my fucking wife.

They're like, you know, this guy's got, we paid for his drinks. He's fucking poor as shit. He's not going to take her away from me. It's like, uh, this guy needs $20. before he's in the green. We're not going to worry about him. Yeah, that was last week, dude, my bank account was,

I think when we podcast, my bank account was negative $22. I had to borrow $30 from my little sister, who's five years younger, who just graduated college. It was fucking so embarrassing. She's like, giving me shit for it too.

She's like, look, I just want to make sure you're making the right financial decisions. And like, before I give you this, I need to know that you're going to be more responsible with money. Before I give you this 30. Yeah, I was like,

oh, God. But then I got, I'm so bad. I got paid up this weekend. I got paid a bunch for the show. so I'm like, whatever, I'm a fucking millionaire again. I do that all done. Dude, last weekend, this girl asked me to comment her 10 times.

The commoner? Yeah, and I did. And immediately after she was like, I'm not on birth control. And I was like, yo, like what? Not cool. If you said one time, whatever. Yeah. I wouldn't do it.

Even two times is still wouldn't. But like, you say it 10 times. The percentage is now add up because like, what is it like a fucking, let's say it's like a, what is it? 60% change she gets pregnant? You come inside her without a condom? I don't know the numbers on that. But it just keeps going up and up. If you do it's 10.

Like, I think if you fuck somebody every single day, the chances would be significantly higher. Yeah, that's why people keep trying to have kids. Is that the more than you do it, the higher the chance? Yeah, that's what persistence is. I didn't come in her 10 times. She asked me to 10 times.

Oh, yeah. Just jizzing in her 10 times. It's like, first off, Scallion. Yeah. Crazy numbers on this guy. What's your reload time? Yeah.

No, she asked me 10 times. and I was like, all right, I'm going to do it. Like, she's obviously on something. But I didn't want to ask because, like, we're in the groove of it. Yeah. No one says that 10 times is not our birth control. And then she was, and she's at Brazilian too. So I was like, fuck.

And then she made, I mean, I got obviously. Because she's Catholic probably, right? Oh, yeah. That's terrifying. Terrifying. And then, but I know she's like, she was like, young and, like traveling. So I'm like, and she's like, all right. But yeah, I was like, I'll buy the plan B.

And then she's like, yeah, I feel like if you ask me 10 times, you should like split it. Yeah. It's like $50. At least reach for your card And then I'll tell cover it She's like, come with me, you fucking pussy And she's like, you don't pay for it And you're like, that's crazy

And then I tried to She came to my work to get the plan B And I tried to like have sex room In the bathroom because she hadn't taken it And I was like I'm trying to get like two nuts and one That's always a good move I was like I'm trying to get at least That was a $50 move

Because you're like I know There's no consequences I've been in that exact I was like that's a $50 nut Like I'm trying to get at least Two nuts Yeah, I'm trying to get at least two nuts trying to get a two for one.

There's like, no, you're like, we're bad to have sex as zero consequences. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, so you won't ask if you're like in the middle of sex and she's like, you won't be like, are you on birth control? I'll ask in the middle. I don't care. No, I, like, the few times that's happened, it doesn't happen a lot.

It's usually she's on birth to Google. What kind of person says that? Yeah, no, I agree. But actually, this happened twice, actually. This has happened twice. Okay. They say do it and then like, I'm not on birth control. I'm like, all right.

we're buying, and the last girl bought it herself, which I was like, all right, that's cool. Yeah. That you took accountability. Actually, now I want you to keep it. You're going to be the mother of my kid. If you have that kind of heart on you, then yeah, you're good. You took accountability.

You wanted that. You took it. You know, that's on you. Yeah, I'm like, most of my reason when I'm kidding is because I have such high hopes for myself. It's all an arrogance thing where I'm like, I can't have a kid in fucking up being famous. It's like all these career things that I'm like,

no, no, I'm going to be a TV star, which never taking an acting class, but. that's not like a totally, maybe this says more about me. But like, I don't think that's like wrong. To think like, wait, I want to pursue this thing. I don't want a kid. Because I also like, if I have a kid, I want to give it a good life. Yeah, yeah.

Like, I'm still figuring it out. Like, I have no idea if this is going to work out. I can't bring a kid into the equation. Yeah. The dick move to that kid. Yeah, no, I agree with you. I'd also want a wife first before a kid. I kind of don't want a wife, but I want a kid.

Really? You should adopt. I think I am going to adopt. one. Not like anytime soon, but... What color? What's up? I'm like, hey,

my sister, Lexi, can you send me $4,000? It would be a lot more than that. It would be sick to adopt like a 17-year-old. Just have a homie. Yeah, just for any year. Yeah.

Just making me a podcast producer. That's... Just for a year. Just like it's unpaid. He's your kids, you know. Yeah, I know. Dude, if you want allowance this week. Yeah.

Well, I also wouldn't even have to pay him. I'd be like, like, no, I'm your guardian. You have to. Yeah. Make sure the camera's rolling. I can cook for a 17-year-old. You don't be at hard.

Oh, man. 17-year-olds eat so much. Oh, you're right. You have to cook so much food all the time. Yeah. No, I think 13 is more. 17's worse because they're like almost in an adult body so they can rebel like worse, if that makes sense.

Dude, I still don't think I could fuck my dad up. I'll go to the gym with my dad and he'll fucking put shit up, dude. It's crazy. And he looks like me and broke his. his neck once. And then I'm like, he's fatter than me. And the dude just fucking he'll, he'll like, I'll do like a couple reps on bench or whatever.

And then he'll come in and just do like 15 of that same weight. And he's like, so when are you going to put some weight on there? I'm like, this is crazy dude. I've never thought about it if I could fuck my dad up or not, but I'm probably in agreement with you. I don't know that I could. My dad's also in like crazy good shape. Like he's a ski instructor and like a fly

fishing guy at like fucking high altitude year round. Yeah. Yeah. I'll like do an activity with him and his friends that are all like 60 plus and they'll just kick my ass in it and I'm like the fuck man like yeah I was like thinking my dad was on roids or something but he's not like in my mind I was like like we talked about like is he doing fucking roids because he's fucking jaggers he's not on roids mom how big his dad's penis is he but he's fat yeah like I mean like dad fat like he's like he's like I would say it's so funny dude now that I lost weight by the way

we were like the same size like a month ago now he's fucking fat but no he's like he just like he just looks like a dad. Like he's like how I looked like a month ago. You want to be a jack dad? I don't know because it sounds kind of creepy. It does. You know what I mean? Like just being like a sexy dad.

That seems weird. I want to be a hot dad. Really? Yeah. I want to be a dilf. I want to be a dilf, but I'm not going to like capitalize on it. I'm not going to be like going after like fucking 25 year olds.

But a part of your brain when you're like, you know what I mean with your family at a restaurant the host is like 24. Part of your brain is like yeah, I could fuck her. Versus we're like if I just become a fat dad, I'm just not even thinking of it. You know what I just want to be so fat to my testosterone. But maybe, you know what I'll do? I'll get fat as shit.

Then when you my wife get divorced and then I get fucking jacked as hell and start fucking 28 years. Oh, you want revenge body if you get divorced. Oh, for sure. Yeah. We are like over an hour. Sorry, guys. Oh, you're good. Yeah, what do you guys want to promote?

What's your Instagram? Promote a backyard to my backyard. It's sick. It's a movie. Yeah, it's a party. It's chills as hell. It's so much fun. My Instagram is Cam Stafford comedy.

Come to Down Bad Comedy show every Tuesday at House Watch in East Village. We're also starting every Sunday soon. So we'll see. I'm a little fucking nervous about that, but we'll see what happens. No, I'm pumped. I'm so confident it's going to be amazing. I was like, what's going to be nervous about it? We just said stupid shit on the internet for an hour.

You should be way more worried about this podcast. Yeah, you're fucking right. Thank you guys.