Morning Good - Let's All Just Become Women - Episode 111

Episode Date: August 31, 2022

Thanks to Jake and Levi for coming on the show and being great guests for the TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY of Morning Good! That's right, today marks two years since the very first episode. So thanks for listening, keep coming back, and check out our guests at their links below.Jake is on Instagram @jakevcomedy and Levi is as well @levithewhite. Jake co-hosts the Do Less Podcast with Mike Bramante, another friend of the show. Levi also co-produces @toughlovecomedy in Greenwich Village so make sure to check that out too.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. All right. We're here. We got Levi. Hello. White. Hi.

And Jake, let me try this. Velazquez. Wow. Is that the only time I've gotten it? No, you've gotten another time. No, I saved the last quiz every time. No, that was good at this time then. Okay, yeah, yeah.

I've been studying other episodes. I'm listening back. I'm like, I'm going to fucking nail it this time. Did his homework. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I say yake. Yake. Actually?

Yake. When I was growing up in Riverdale, some of my friends would call me Yake because I was a quieter kid. So they're like a soft J. Oh, there you go. That's actually kind of clever. It's pretty clever. I'm just making a racist thing.

Oh. Maybe it was racist, then that's what... Yeah, your friends were racist. They were racist. But they were also clever. They were clever racist. Yeah. You don't always get that, but you do sometimes.

Yeah. The clever racist? I remember that guy, Richard Spencer? You remember that guy? I don't know if he was actually clever, but it was so funny because he was dressed nice always. He's like, I'm a white supremacist, but I wear a button down. Everybody's like, oh, there's something refreshing.

Well, he sort of took that from the, like, the Muslim Brotherhood or whatever. Did they wear button downs? Who are the black, the black Muslim guys that wear, like, bow ties and shit? Oh, right, right, right. They always dress very nicely. Yes. Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like a black fraternity. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm trying to figure out what you're talking about. I like the idea of this white supremacist stealing that from black people. Yeah.

It's like, oh, you know, black people dress all nice all the time. Best dressed. So it's mine. He wears like a 70s pimp suit. Yeah. Looking like Steve Harvey. Yeah. The biggest suit ever.

Just saying some. She's like, do rags were actually invented by a white guy. He's like, trying to steal just the randomest thing. On the way here, I had something to happen. Oh, there we go. Yeah, because I have nothing to fucking out. So, thank God. Do you remember the Washington Square Park Mikes?

You both did them, right? Yes, yes. Did you do them? I don't think I ever did that. You were in the outdoor comedy then right after, because I almost remember you. I was in outdoor comedy, but I never went into the city much for it. Interesting. I'm a Brooklyn boy, you know?

Yeah, true, true. Yeah, I did those. It's funny the amazingness. Like, those were so much fun. And comedy was like nothingness. And it was just so fun to show like, oh, I just got a new bit. Like, nobody was going anywhere in the career. And then I remember, like, I'm ignoring your story completely.

Did you give me one second? No, no, no, go. I want the story to be one of those things whereby, like, we keep calling back to it. Yeah, yeah, it spans the whole. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. It's all on tangents. Yeah, yeah.

But I remember just be like, man, this is so great. And then once the club's open, like, Life's just going to get better. Yeah. And it did not. No, that was. Well, life got better for most other people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't have a direct correlation to good things happening my life and me feeling better. Like, it's like, I look at it on paper. I'm like, oh, I got into some clubs. Things are going well. I'm like, yeah, I feel baseline. Yeah. I'm actually more sad because I thought this would make me happen. That's disappointing.

100%. I got like, basically, like, I think it was like 2018 maybe, a chunk of money, not like a lot. but enough that when I was at that age it was like a lot to me. Yeah. And it had such an empty effect that it made me more to, like it made me more sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where I was like, oh, this did nothing for me. Because hope is the happiest you could be looking forward to the weekend.

Right, right. Hope, yeah. But once you're actually there on the dance floor having a Saturday night, you're like, this is not making me happy. It's the minutes before accomplishment. So like if you auditioned for a club and you killed your set, that like feels great. Oh, yeah, yeah. But then once you're at the club a month later, it's empty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just whatever those moments before.

But some of them don't. Like there's some of the people like, I remember we had these one kids in our middle school. And they were just excited by everything. Like they were like, they would like jump over like, I don't know, like a, they would like do like park horns. You'd be like, dude, this fucking insane. And I'm so jealous. I'm like, you guys are so happy with like nothing. Right.

Like they would literally like just find a stick on the ground and be like, yo. Like I don't know what it was. It was a special kid. Like, were they wearing helmets? Like what are they talking about? I'm just staring. I saw a stick on the ground. Kids.

There's something about them. They're grasped life in a way that I can't understand. They were just carrying around crayons and stuff just being thrilled. Dude, we literally, this is how bad. They were great above us. And I, we always thought they were lame. Because we were just like a cynical group of kids.

They're like, we're just doing drugs early. We were just pieces of shit. And I remember we'd always look at them and be like, those kids are fucking losers. And one day, we were like the seventh graders. they were the eighth graders. One day we literally walked up to them and said, no,

not my most proud words. We walked out of them and said, yeah, you guys are a bunch of faggots and just walked away. And that's all we said. And they just didn't do anything about it. Like,

they were like older kids that were like way bigger than us. And they kind of just like looked around and then just went back to playing with sticks and having like a phenomenal time. Sounds like you guys might have been the, you know, one. We were the problem. Yeah,

like that is the correct way to live to be happy. But it's so funny. I mean, we're like, we're like, yeah, we're bad. In our mind, we're like, we were like, and it didn't bother them at all. They just went on with their lives and they were like,

yeah, those kids look really unhappy. Do you know what they're doing now? One of them came out as game. That was funny because he one time... Nailed it. Typical. Yeah, one of the funny is that playing with sticks. I wonder what they were doing with that sticks. You know what they call a bundle of sticks.

Hey, if I would have known that, I would not... That would have been... That would have been a high-level joke for a seventh grader. Yeah, yeah. If that was the impetus for that, yeah, that would be. No, that would, yeah, it was a bit. But it's funny, because the kid I had one time, he came up to me, and he's like very jocky.

Because, like, one time, I think later they retaliate at some point, the dude, like, dude, you're the worst. He goes, literally, I'm going to fuck your face. And I was like, you're going to fuck my face. And I just, like, kept roasting him for it. And then, like, 10 years later, he's like, seems happy, like, gay guy, like, doing his thing now. Yeah, good for him. You're a bad person.

I know, I know. I know. I didn't call him that, knowing that. I call him that because they were playing with sticks. Not because sticks are dick-like, but sticks are lame. Yeah, but He made a good point. Yeah. You put it together.

Subconscious. Yeah, subconscious. I was in there. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Tell us a stupid story now. So, all right.

Washington's a fair park park. Yeah. Do you remember the girl that used to skateboard around the park and she was nuts? There was like this crazy girl that was like tall and thin, possibly trans, or just a girl with mannish feature. All right. There was something off there. Something off. Something's going on.

But she would skateboard around the park all the time and just yell out the slur you drop before, you know? But she would say it to all of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like she was off. There was something crazy about it. For sure. And she would just go around and go around, go on. And then, well, the story's going to end up.

Because you were staring at her, she thought you were into her. And then she was, like, back making fun of you. She's like, you fucking homo staring at me. France. That's a very funny way to like that would be a hilarious like nagging like a trans girl at a bar you start hitting on her she's like what are you some kind of homo?

No. But basically I just saw her just now and she tried to like skateboard into me. Oh yeah. And I don't know if she recognized me from the mic or it's because I recognized her so you know I'm the only person in the whole city that like noticed. Yeah. So she literally tried to like skateboard into me

and then I was just like you stupid bitch. And then she said suck ass and then she left, whatever. So that's the, like, a boring part of the story, but the interesting part is during these mics, there's those BLM protests. And I don't know if you remember, there's a story where these comics were, like, all posting this thing where it's like,

it's so fucked up. This girl got thrown into, like, the cops, like, through some girl, like, innocent young girl in the back of a van. Like an unmarked van. It was her. And it's like, it's like, I don't think that was unjust. Unjustified. She's insane. She probably did

something. Like, this girl's So it just made me think of that moment. Hey, as long as she doesn't participate in female skating, because that's where I'm going to... That's where I draw the line. That's where I get angry. That's where... Not cool.

Gross. I did watch when they brought skateboarding into the Olympics. And I watched all, like, the guys, and then I watched the girls one. It was sad. It's like, Michelle's gonna all it. That seems like something there wouldn't be an advantage for Mendo. Like, weirdly enough, like...

It's a sport. Yeah. My brother used to longboard. And I remember one time he came in and he takes his gloves off. He had gloves for longboarding. And it was just like he would get, had this thing where he'd get really into hobbies. He's a hobbyist.

But he, I'm just sitting on the kitchen counter and he takes his longboarding gloves off and he gets a cup of water and he looks off at the distance. He goes, you know, Michael, longboarding, it's not really a sport. It's more of a dance. I was like, nobody was calling it a sport. Yeah. No, no. No, no.

He's like, I'm really big into sports. Yeah. Longboarding. Girls are kind of good at riding skateboards. Something else. You know? But I feel like they could kind of like, because she was kind of, they have a better center of balance. Maybe that's what it is.

Yeah. But the tricks is where they truly struggle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, they could ride in the Olympics. Like, nobody else. Oh, yeah. They're just riding along. Yeah, this is riding.

Not doing a single. Not doing a trick. It's like, look. They're actually. She hasn't fallen. Heather goes up a rim. I love that. It's weird.

They're worse at it, though, because it doesn't see... No, it makes sense, I think. Really? The tits, I think. Really? To get up in the air like that, you have to be so adjot. You would need the tightest brawl, like, ever made. You know, like, keep...

Your body's, like, flailing, like, an insane amount in skateboarding. So you think just tips... That's very funny to be, like, your tits are flopping around. That's why you can't do the sport. Like, because I don't think your dick interferes with, like, a lot. I mean, maybe. Well, this girl's as flat, the one that almost bumped into me, she's as flat as the board she's riding.

So I think she might actually be good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I think there's something off there. Yeah, yeah. Get some titties, you flood bitch. But, yeah, I can see that being a huge detriment. Yeah, yeah. Because I do wrestling in, like, middle school.

And their titty's got in the way. Titty's got no way. Huge. I would love the wrestling coach. Just duct-tapping a guy's tits down. He's like, trust me, you'll win the match this way. Just say, okay. That's so funny.

But I had a rest of, I lost three matches in the tournament, and my fourth one against a woman or a girl and I just went home. Like, I was just like, fuck that. But apparently they do have a better center of, like, gravity because they're hips. Harder to take down. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, maybe. Yeah.

And, like, women, their legs. Yeah, thick. Are very strong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like, they don't really have to work out to have strong. ass legs. Right. Yeah.

I got the weakest legs ever. Me too. What are you just wrestling with a girl and she used pepper sprays you in the middle? They're like,

come on, man, that was not cool. You're like, what the fuck? We signed up for this. I don't know. She's allowed to. She's allowed to.

She's allowed to. This is okay. I don't know where that line gets drawn, though, because wrestling, you are kind of like, you know, hitting people in the genital.

Not like intentionally. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's like a move where you like grab someone by the crotch in like the neck and slam them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, that might just be a me of my butts. But, yeah, I've seen that, like, can you do that with these? Just trump them? Can you just grab them by the pussy? Yeah, everybody would immediately, like... I don't see why not.

Or do girls wear cups? Absolutely should be allowed. Yeah, they're probably wearing a cup or something. Is there girl cups? Why not? Maybe girls are cups. I don't know. Yeah, I can see that. I don't know if it'll be a cup.

Like a strip? Yeah, just like a shield. Yeah, she holds. I mean, yeah, I don't know. I mean, it seems like, kind of think about that. That actually would make it not, then like anything goes, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, because you're like, I physically cannot touch her vagina. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I'm comfortable with it, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it when I can't touch a woman's vagina. That's when I'm most comfortable in life. She's like, you're not allowed.

I'm like, thank God. I've been nervous this whole time. What sports did you guys play growing up? I played baseball. that's like it. Basketball. Yeah, but I was bad, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just guessing you play basketball. Surprisingly good because I'm so small, but bad because I'm so, like, you can only do so much.

I have a question by that. Why a lot of Jewish people play basketball? They just love basketball. But where does that come from? Oh, that's a good question. Maybe it's like you just like the things you can't do. They got to get to know. Hey, you know, I don't know. So you think it's like that. Like, I thought it was something, maybe something with the ghettos and basketball. I'm like, maybe, maybe.

Because, like, originally didn't Jews, the word ghetto came from Jewish people, right? You know what it could be? I think there's actually, like, a half-decent basketball league in Israel. I could see that. Which I think is part of it. Yeah, yeah, that would make sense. Like Amari Stademeyer lives out there and, like, co-owns a team.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was just so you guys could get to know your tenants. They're like, if I make this shot, you have to pay rent. and then no one ever pays around it. Yeah, I'm not sure. That's a good question. I think Jews like baseball, though, too. Because of the stats.

Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. Also, like, I mean, it makes sense. Okay, so, like, New York City, a lot of Jewish people, basketball. You're not really playing football as much in New York City. Not a football town now. Yeah, because, like, in Florida, it was like, some people would play basketball, but, like, football was very big.

Sure. Baseball, I'd imagine, pretty big. Just because you got you around warm weather. Not really, do baseball? Nobody really respected baseball in Florida. I mean, I have friends. I don't know. That's at my area.

That was like, they respected it really? I could see. I think Florida has some of like the best baseball teams because there's spring training down there too. Yeah. Really? It probably depends where you live. I mean, football seems like a religion there.

Where did you grow up? I grew up East Coast, Cocoa, Florida. Okay, I grew up really close to you. Yeah, you grew up Orlando. Maybe I just like, dude, no one of respect it. I have friends. Oh, remember those kids? Yeah, the stick was a bet.

Just making fun of Levi's friends playing baseball. Look at these frags playing baseball. How dare you? That'd be so funny to just go to a baseball game and just call them homos. But like, not even though. Like, which team are you calling that? I'm like, all of them. You're like, no, I think the whole sports are you.

I don't think. But you paid really good seats. Baseball, I don't think, has ever really been more popular than football like in the South. Yeah, I think, yeah, of course, yeah. Football is fucking crazy. But up here, I assume the football's just less popular, right?

I mean, still, it's popular, but it's like way less popular than the South. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, like football up here, it's pretty much just professional. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you like football, you fucking love. the Jets or you love the Giants or you know Philly or whatever but yeah down

south it's I love down south it's I love my high school football yeah you'll have guys that are like 50 years old that's still really that are doing the stats and shit yeah yeah the fucking football games see here I think that's only basketball

actually yeah and I think that's partly because the Knicks are so bad right and basketball is pretty beloved in New York but in terms of professional sports I think baseball, because the Yankees are like the best sports franchise. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But in terms of like, I don't know any high school baseball or football teams, but I know all the high school basketball teams. Yeah, yeah. Because they're like legitimately good here. But I bet you it also has something to do with the fact that you guys have basketball courts. Probably.

Right. Like, it's got, it's got something to do with that because like... Accessibility. There's, you know, how many football? Also, also just... Yeah, and just also like football and baseball, you need nice weather. where basketball, there's like this whole AAU system and there's so many indoor courts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't affect it. You think there's a lot of basketball courts out, dude, there's all these, there's so many leagues going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the time in New York City with, like, these indoor gyms. Yeah, like, every gymnasium has a basketball. That's a great point, yeah.

Yeah, we were, like, big into football. And I'm not into any sports. Because I'm bad at them. Yeah, I don't have the attention span to follow them. Yeah, I remember I just thought I would be good at football, which is so funny. I'm like, I'm tough. And I never like, I played like flag football when I was a kid.

And I was like, the reason I'm not excelling at this is because we can't tackle people. Once you start tackling people, I'm going to, and then I played tackle football. I just got wrecked all the time. I was just like, I'm just bad at sports. I didn't even know what positions were. So like I showed up to like, because what it was is, uh, I did flag football and I was the center because you didn't have to be big and I could snap, but I was like tiny at the time. Yeah.

And, uh, then when I got to middle school where it's actual tax. tackle football. They were like, I was like, yeah, I'm going to be on the line. And I was like, so tiny. So it was like me and a bunch giant kid. And they were like, you're not on the line. I'm like, that's what I'm choosing. Because it was like, it was a prep school for middle school. So they couldn't deny you from being on the team.

They just wouldn't play you. So I would just be on the football team and not doing anything and like fucking around. The coaches hated me because I was best friends with like the cool kid or the kids were like actually corrupting them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was. Dude, I remember we went on a field trip and I

got them all energy drinks, and the football coach walks in and you started yelling at it. He was like, do you know what these do to your bodies? He's like, he's like, he's are terrible. He's like, you guys are destroying your lives. Like, who bought them? Everybody's like, fucking Michael. Because that was like the thing before you could do drugs. I remember being like,

oh, we could just, would you, would you call me? A bad person. Oh, yeah, yeah. They called them Michael Goods. Yeah, yeah. I had the stuff. Michael, good. Like, got the energy drinks. That's a bad job.

Ever heard a Red Bull? I just had a Red Bull. I'm a energy drink guy out of that way. Yeah, you're crazy. I'm a Celsius person. Dude, Celsius is sick, right? He was trying to get Celsius, though, at like 7 o'clock. No, but I didn't know what it was.

I poured it down the drain, but then I got a Celsius. So good. Every morning I drink Celsius. Do you? Yeah, I can't help it. Did you both do that? Yeah, why? Oh, I've only had like it once or twice.

It's insane. Oh, so sorry. What are you drinking? Coffee. Fuck you. Yeah, it is a lot, but the problem is... Like diarrhea? At the point where Celsius isn't doing it.

for me, which is bad. It's supposed to be like pre-workout, right? It's not just like a wake-up drink. It's supposed to be like... No, it's caffeine. You don't I have in the fridge I haven't drank it yet? I have a C-4-Skittles flavor. Yeah, I'm staying away from that.

What's C-4? It's like pre-workout, but it's like in a can. And I'm like, I just, the Celsius wasn't doing it. I'm like, I need to kick it up a notch. Also, like, I treat my body like complete garbage. So the way my day goes, literally, I have these microwaveable breakfast sandwiches. I love the start already. When the bread just turns into just like a hard rock.

Yes. That's horrible. That's, oh. Jake, every day of my life for like three months now. It's bad. Because I have to be ready for work and I don't want to go out and get something. That's the easiest thing. I don't have time to make eggs.

Right, right. So I drink one of the, or have one of those. I have a Celsius. Dude, this, my mind is legitimately blown already. We're not even past the morning. It gets so much worse. So I get to work. I get like some candy.

I do the candy. It's hard. I'm a big candy guy. But candy, at least it's like, it's so bad for you, but it's like, it's, you know, it's like this guilty pleasure. Celsius and bacon, microwavable breakfast sandwich is like, that's your, that's your, like, for... It's so bad. Yeah. And so then I eat some candy for lunch, or for like mid-breakfast.

Today what I did is I made myself a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Nice. That's not too bad. No, it's not terrible. Yeah. And then for lunch, I'll do one or two things. So today I packed my lunch, just like a sandwich. But sometimes I'll do that whole morning routine and then I'll get a Philly cheese steak

from the place outside of my building. And then for dinner, I think I had Taco Bell for dinner last night. Dude, and it's, I'm telling you, this is not a rare occasion. This is constantly. That's terrible. And then, and then I take some Kalanipin to go to sleep. I have to have a free day the next day if I'm having Taco Bell. Oh, really?

Yeah. I swear on my life, I probably have Taco Bell three or four times a week. What? I've had Taco Bell once in my entire life. Oh, it's so good. There's so cheap. There's so cheap. There's so cheap.

Yeah, but it's like so cheap. Yeah, well, this is different. The Taco Bell isn't Mexican. Yeah, it's like, this is just like, but it's delicious. It's fucking, it's, you know, it's definitely has MSG in it. Like, it's just, it's addictive and it doesn't taste like anything else. It's chemicals. Oh, yeah, that's another thing I'll occasionally do.

You know those microwavable noodles with lots of MSG? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are sick, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My friend was in, went to prison and he said that that was like one of the only things you could have. Yeah, yeah. Not the cup one, though. You have gay sex in there, too.

You can do that too. If you're really hungry. You know the packs, though? I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. It's the ramen noodles, but they would call them like crackhead soups. That's awesome.

And they would just, instead of, there's no like boiling, they just throw them on the ground to break up the noodles and then just eat the noodles dry. Oh, that's crazy. There was a girl in college that did that. A girl in college,

she would put the noodles into a Ziploc bag, while in class, and smash them on the desk, and then sprinkle the seasoning on. and just eat it during class. The seasoning. Punch your teacher in the face. She was going to the men's shower with a strap on.

Really? It was so weird. She just had like a weird like white trash thing. You know. It's like, that's the same shit. It does paint a picture. But yeah,

was she one of those animals? See, I picture when you said that, I thought she was going to be some girl that makes like lion noises and stuff like that. She probably was like a, you know, into horses or something.

Yeah. Yeah. She was younger. but at this point she was a fresh 18 year old man. Why does it sound so menacing the way you're like it's like I feel like if he even did it

it wouldn't sound as bad as the way you said you have such a mysteriousness to you. Fresh. Fresh. Fresh is the fresh to that. Fresh she was a real fresh 18 year old. Fresh could be any, you could say any age and it's creepy.

Yeah. You'd be like she was a fresh 52 year old. Yeah, yeah. It's disgusting. Yeah. Because you're describing a person as food, almost. Yeah, maybe that's what it is. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, we all do that. Say, like, delicious, yummy, right? We all say those things. Yummy. You eat pussy. Yummy. Just like, you can't eat pussy. You never said, yummy?

You should do it. Next time you go down on a girl. I think my girlfriend would stalk me in the face. After about 45 minutes when you finally make her come, you just pop your head up and go, yummy. Yummy. Yum, yum, yum. And, yeah, that's just noted.

I've never done that. But I'm going to do it tonight. Noted. Yeah. I do the, so with your shitty morning routine, so I do the Celsius as well. But like, I'll, I'll wake up and I'll eat, like, two pickles. You could go either way. I could see you being like, I have, you know, like, lions main in my.

I could see you going either way. Yeah, tell us the routine. So I'll have a Celsius and then like whatever garbage is in the fridge. Like I'll eat like French fries if it's in the fridge. I'll eat whatever is left over. Right. I'll have that cold. And then I'll have like a high fiber cereal, which isn't that bad.

That's not that bad. But I haven't really made dinner in a very long time. I just order... If you're going from work to comedy, it's like literally impossible to have dinner. I just order food. Yeah, yeah. And it's the worst fucking food ever.

It's not taco about. No, well, the food I cook isn't good. But the food I order, like, I'll just get, like, chicken wings from some Chinese place that is, like... Those are always the best, but they're, like, insane. It's just pure grease. Yeah, just grease. Pure grease, I'll have that...

Like, it comes in the box. And I'll order enough for, like, three people and I'll eat all of it. Yeah, that's always so fun when you get a giant thing. You're like, this would be great because I could split it up between two meals. And you should eat it all at once. You're like, I'm fucking... Eat it all, wake up at 4 in the morning, just shitting myself.

Yeah, yeah. See, I don't shit in the middle of the night. It's probably because I take a lot of time. Is that? Like, because I'm drugging myself. Does that help? I always think I eat like real shitty, but I'm like fucking, you know, like a vegan next to you guys.

But you eat, like, what? Probably, like, once a day. Now I, I'll just do, like, tacos, pizza. sandwich, tacos pizza sandwich, like, just a lot of repetition. You're autistic, that's what it is. Is that a... Yeah. I don't think that's autistic, but I think if you had

like a schedule... There was a 500 plus slice year. We've had 500 plus slice here. Yeah, because I lived across, I was poor, and I lived across the street from Joe's pizza. And it was so fast. Have you, like, it's instantaneous. You order and you get it. Yeah. I would go during

a commercial break. It was like the only thing I could afford and it was just so quick. Well, you said commercial break. Like you watch TV Or you're watching a football game There's a commercial break Run out, get to Joe's, I'm back Before the game starts again

Okay It's not like you didn't have a job And like Was this? I was working Oh okay Because that's funny To be like

That's funny to be like That's funny to be like Oh shit It's commercial break All right Or like taking a break From watching TV You're like

Oh man This is getting real tiring Yeah Yeah But I think I easily Had over 500 slices that year Yeah That's a lot

Easely Yeah Once I moved up to New York That's when I found out that I'm lactose intolerant. Oh, that's got to be kind of good, though, because it affects probably like... It limits a lot of shit. It does.

He still cave, though, because I have a friend, no, no, that's good. No, no. You have a friend that's lactose intolerant and we'll just be eating ice cream, I'm like, all right? He's like, I don't get fucked. Yeah, it's like some... That's like, you know, there's people that are like, oh, you know, I get gassy. I'm like, no, my day is ruined. Right, right.

Yeah. I'm locked in the bathroom. There's certain foods that are dairy that do that, like, ice cream, it's a special occasion. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, pizza doesn't do that. Really? Fuck, dude.

You know what is? If I drink and have ice cream, that's a problem. I used to get hammered and get a whole milkshake and then I lay in bed. And then I wake up an hour later and just throw up the milkshake because it gets warm and it's filled with booze. Yeah. I used to love rupeer floats. I would literally, I would have to take like a week off. Yeah.

I would really, yeah. Love rupeer floats. Dude, I remember one time, I was like an exchange student in Costa Rica. And that was the worst because I somehow got, I used to occasionally just get like bad food poisoning. I don't know if it was food poisoning, but I have eight hours where my stomach hurts, and I'm throwing up and I'm shitting. And it happened to me like twice a year, every year.

This is before I was eating the Taco Bell stuff. It's like Costa Rica's version of Taco Bell. Yeah. Yeah. You zip line to the drive-thru. But I remember I was just like, ah, ah, like, it's so much pain.

And then like, I didn't speak very good Spanish and they didn't speak very good English. So they're like, PIL? And I was like, okay, pill that I've no idea what I took, but... Did it work? No. No, no, no.

That was a weird time because I barely knew Spanish. But the TV had one channel in English, it was a CW channel, which is horrible. So I watched ERA. Do you know any Spanish now?

A poikito. Micromaticas, Mierda. Ablando similar, Force Gump. you heard driver's shit but you speak similar to Forbes Yeah yeah yeah yeah

That's fine It's so funny That's what you came away with Starting a bro and Costa Rica Oh yeah yeah Yeah, yeah Well the best was like Spain was actually fun

Because I went dude I was 14 And the kid I was thinking it was 16 So I just got Fuck All the time Like I'd go clubbing And I would just like

I remember I'd just chain smoke cigarettes And they'd be like All you do is drink It's smoke cigarettes I don't know the language I was just like, yeah, I don't know how to do anything. So, yeah, I would just get hammered. And it was like, that was a great summer.

It was funny, though, because they only smoked spliffs there for weed, which just was horrible on the throat. Yeah, it's horrible. Yeah, every time. No, no, no, no. I mean, I think it's like, I like the vibe of it because, like, if you're going out and drinking, it's like a fun to, like, because it makes you less sleepy.

But, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's kind of annoying. But, yeah, I remember. I got lost in nightclub. That was horrible. I was in some giant nightclub and I was texting back when it was T9 trying to text this kid in Spanish and I was like, I'm just gonna get stuck here. Like I was just no way I'm getting back to America. And it's hard too because like you're drunk

and you're going out with your passport, which is so risky. I'm just like 14 years old, the bar and they're like, we don't even check out. You're not allowed to drink. Like they would just let you in. But I would have my passport on me for like other reasons. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. One time a kid threw a rock in my head down. That was not cool. I don't know. I just have these random memories

because I like blacked out a lot because the rock was this kid I remember this kid like it was he wasn't even drinking

while he was there was all from the rock my favorite yeah this is an awesome to go to Costa big rock the Spanish dude

threw a rock in my head I never went to Costa I'm like I'm your exchange dude and he's like who the fuck is you it's all false memories

but the funniest thing was like the fashion because I would show up and they were like no no is not how you dress. We'll show you how to dress. And they would just dress in American fashion

for four years before. So I was like, no, no, this is how you dress. You guys just don't get it yet. They're like, no. They're like, they're like popping my collar. I'm like, what is it? What? Is it the 80s? Like, you guys don't know what fashion is. Yeah. That was very popular. But it was cool because that's when, uh, you know, that song, you know, the song?

Danza Caduro. That song came out. There's a lot of cool fun songs. That's nice. Yeah, yeah. Wait, this is in Spain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I went to Costa Rica. And that kid I stayed with was nice, but that sucked because they were like, everything they would say is Pedegroso. Everything was dangerous. Yeah.

Like, I couldn't do anything. They're like, it's dangerous. It's like, I just stayed inside the whole time. Yeah. And Costa Rica is, like, beautiful. But like, like, I remember I went surfing there when I was like, pedigrosso? Yeah. I went surfing there when I was a kid.

And then when I came back when I was like 16, they're like, no, you can't go surfing here. It's dangerous. I'm like, no, I went here like five years ago in this exact spot. They're like, no. Are you good at surfing? Not anymore. There's a lot of things I thought I could still do. and then I've tried to do it as an adult and I can't do.

Like rock climbing, surfing, wakeboarding, um, being happy. It's just a log list of things. That was skateboarding for me. I bought a skateboard during pandemic.

Oh, I can't anymore, bro. It's sick. What was the last time you tried? Uh, fuck. Months ago, right? I bought a skateboard during pandemic and I was too insecure to ride it. I was like,

oh, everyone's going to make fun of me. So I didn't write it. Then I finally did, and I just ate shit. Yeah. I fucking flew like 15 feet down a hill. It's terrifying.

Because when you're a kid, you fall and the board hits your shins, but you're like so limber. Yeah. You're like tumbling and you get out of it. But my roommate got a skateboard when we were living together and I just like rode it through our apartment. Like, you know, like, fucking 10 feet. And as soon, within seconds, I was like, oh, I can't. Yeah, I can do this. The hard part is I can Ollie if I'm like holding on to somebody.

but there's nothing less cool than holding another man's game while trying to all age be like, oh! I used to be good at skateboarding. Could you kickflip at stuff? But I was so young that I wasn't that good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was good for a kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I wasn't that good. I could like kickflip. Kickflip was like my peak. Yeah, I could drop in on like a six foot ramp. I think that's when I like... We're at similar skill levels.

Yeah, yeah. I was like, those are my big tricks. And then once I started like really falling, I was like, I don't want to. want to do this anymore. I thought if I was just into the culture enough, I would be good at Skaping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I listened to like

pop punk. So, this will work out. And I just didn't. I was like, I got a Hurley shirt. Yeah, yeah, I wear Hurley. There's no way I could suck at Scapewood. This is who I am. It was bad at other sports. I was like, this has got to yeah. It was like the big counterculture thing, but it was the most popular thing when we were kids. Oh, yeah. It was like football.

Well, skateboarding was like... What's so, like, dumb was it was so huge. mostly based. Oh, in that case. Oh, well, you don't know what's in it. It's so huge based on a video game, basically. Was it just the, I think it was a couple of things, made it huge when he did the 900.

I think Jackass played a big role. But I think more people got into skateboarding due to Tony Hawk Pro Skated. Sure. I think that was probably the biggest factor. Yeah. But I think there was like this, like, what do they call it? Zyghgast. It was like perfect storm or something.

Or is Ikeast, yeah. Yeah. But it was just like, yeah, there's so many different things. Everything was happening all at the same time. Because music was even skateboarding music. Like it was like, like those bands were very like skateboardy. Like watching Jackass. I actually going to see them tomorrow night.

Oh, shit. Where at? Pier 17. So I bought tickets to go see them Saturday at 6 p.m. Should we go? No, I'm saying. Sam 41 at Pier 17. Yeah, a lot of members going on there.

It's them and civil plan. I don't really like simple plan, but. Never mind. But it's no way, because the concert was originally supposed to be at 6 p.m. on a Sunday. and somebody got COVID. So now it's 6 p.m. on a Thursday, which I'm like, that's so hard to go from work.

The doors open at 5 p.m. I'm like, who's... Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. They're really just like squeezing... Maybe they have an opening act. Oh, yeah. Hopefully.

Yeah, they definitely do, actually. Yeah. But I don't know, because it's like co-headliners, because it's like Some 41 and Simple Plants. Like, I don't think each of them are going to do 30 minutes. Probably each to an hour, so that's already like a two-hour show. But it's, I honestly, I don't, I want to go to a concert

because it's been a while, but is it the same as kind of, like, two hours long. I've been such long college. Like, the EDM college is like you get there at 10 p.m. and then like I remember it was like the actual DJ gets on at like 12.31.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. No, that's early, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to a club in New York. My friend got tickets to, I never cared about EDM DJs, but you go with your friends that do care that are all there just like,

we gotta wait for this guy. So then you're just like, now you're in that plan. Oh, for sure, yeah. And it would just be like, you get to the point where it's like, I'm really done with this place. Yeah, yeah.

and you've still got like three DJs left to go. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, what the fuck? Yeah. But those are like a little different because they're not, at least what I'm talking about was not like full shows. Well, it was like, yeah, it's not music. Yeah, it's not like, we're going to play our next song.

They're like, we could you go for hours. Well, you just like go like, oh, I'm going to go to the rooftop bar and drop Molly and talk to a cute girl. And then you come back, but you couldn't really do at a comedy show. Yeah. You couldn't be like, yeah, we'll just go, fuck. Yeah. Try to score some, score some chips.

I have had that, dude. I had a show last week in this dude, just like, grabbing this girl's boobs and like nibbling. And I was just about to like finger this girl. And then they just stop. And it wasn't even like, I couldn't make it funny because they were so uncomfortable about it. I was like, don't try to fucking sign.

Aren't they uncomfortable? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Because they were like, you guys were just doing this in public in the but I was talking to somebody at Grudge and they said they've seen people really get jerked off the back there. Really? Yeah. There's no way you're going to be better than a hand.

Like in that moment, they're not going to listen to what you have to say, no matter how funny your bits are. I couldn't possibly have the confidence to get jerked off in a comedy club. Oh, I totally would. Yeah, I don't care. You would? Yeah, yeah. I'm a very, like, public person. Like, I don't really care about it. But, like, in a dark corner?

Or are you up to center? If somebody was, like, get jerked off on stage, I wouldn't care. I just, I don't, I don't know, I have this weird thing where I'm not very self-conscious. About most things, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, that's great. We get it. You got a big fat guy. No, I don't. It's average. It's like, I don't know, I'm one of those people.

Ten inches average, right? I was always like the He's like I've actually been begging that this is what happened Yeah That'd be so funny You know how you're like Oh you got a big dig at the comics I was like how but you pull it out

Funny if you pulls out I just giant Yeah Can't even see the stage anymore God damn That's my time Yeah That's it

You can't fucking tie up a big dick Because I'm always like the drunk naked guy You know what I mean Okay It's craving attention But I do it Yeah

Yeah Yeah Well in my experience I had a a friend who was the drunk, naked guy. Did he kill himself? No, but he doesn't really drink anymore. But he had...

He had the biggest dick out of all of us. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, but it's got to be either way. Actually, I'm an average, so it doesn't really do... Like, either I have a really huge dick or a really small dick. It's very funny if you're like the tiny dick guy running around naked. Like, that's just the funny... I grew up in an Irish neighborhood.

Yeah, they were all naked tiny dick guys. What are you talking about it? It would be the funniest thing where... Because everyone, like, we would make a joke where it's, if you had a big dick, we would call someone gay. Yeah. So, like, if someone wasn't taking their, like, you know, like, we would go skinny dipping if someone wouldn't get naked. It's like, what, you got a big dick? You fucking get.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I, uh, I totally the last time, yeah, last time went to the beach I got naked. It was like three months ago. The beach is nice. Yeah, night.

I was just like, I was drinking vodka in the ocean at like 2 o'clock in the morning. Just totally naked. like this is awesome. I don't know. I mean, just being in the water when it's dark, it's fucking terrifying to me. That's scary.

That's scary. Yeah, it doesn't bother me. I don't know. I'm just a old person. Like when at the mic, when you were asking, you're like,

you're from Florida too, right? And Jessica was like, like I'm not an actual Florida person where Michael is. Yeah. That's, yeah,

I think I embody it pretty hard. You're, yeah. But to me, you're like boat owner, Florida. Yeah, Absolutely. My family owned a boat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm not that little. Did you not associate water at all? We went to the beach, but, like, you know, we're all very fair-skinned. Yeah, that's so funny that like something could just... Yeah, because me, it's like, I get sad when I'm not around water, like enough. Like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, but for you, it makes sense if you're getting sunbur, you're like, this sucks. Oh, yeah, it's a nightmare. Yeah, I used to have an Asian tutor, and he'd tell me he's like, yeah, Asians just don't like going to the beach.

Which, that's not even like a sunbur thing. He's like, we just don't like going to the beach. It's a weird... Oh, they're also very cautious about UV rays and everything. Yeah, yeah. They got the umbrella. U.S.

And all that shit. Really? That's why they have the umbrellas? Yeah. What do you think it's for? That was a decorative thing. They're worried about rain when it's a bright and sunny day.

It's like something you put in a drink, but they just have one. Yeah. They walk around like their mojitos. Wait, that's a sun thing? Yeah. Yeah. I didn't notice it all day.

We got a little leechy martini in there. I literally just don't as far. I'm not even kidding. That's just a fun thing to do. They're kind of racist. They don't fuck with dark stuff. Oh, that's why they don't want, because they don't want to look darker.

Well, it's sort of... Right. So like, according to Asians, like, is it the Chinese on top? I know it's not how it actually is, but like, isn't there like a... Oh, I don't know. Like culturally...

It depends who you ask, I think. Well, of course. Yeah, I think it is a thing where it's like... It's like whatever we decide right now is the one. But it's like... Let me tell you some. about Asians. Yeah.

In America, you got the best ones. I'm saying, like, status-wise, like, in a sense, like,

white people are on top in the U.S. Not that we're the best. I don't know. I'm like, where this is going. I'm not saying we're the best, but, like,

we have the power. No, no, I think in Asia, I don't think, I think it is almost a race. I don't know, it might be country to country,

but I knew a girl that, did, like, the teaching abroad thing in Thailand. And they said that, like, I can imagine trying to teach an Asian guy

something. I'm like, you know more than me. I'm like, wow. It's Thailand. But apparently, like, the parents would, like, give their kids, like, white makeup. Yeah. Because they want to make them look white.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that bird poop? Maybe. That used to be a thing, yeah. That could just be. There's just, like, something about it was, like, you know, like, some of the guy started as like, dude, they put them.

I can see that as well. Yeah, yeah. My friends went to, like, this local Catholic school in my neighborhood that I'm pretty sure was fairly anti-Semitic because they were all anti-Semites and they would tell me things about Judaism and I'm the Jewish one and I'm like that's not true at all

they'd be like you guys like worship like a cow or something like no that's also the funny thing I like Islam Judaism and Christian it's like all of the like yes there's little tweaks to them but like all of them agree with like the first book for the most part.

It's like they're wildly similar in like so many ways. Yeah, yeah. If you guys could just accept Jesus, we'd be on the same thing. There's a second book that's better than the original. That is funny.

We are just arguing over sequels to something. That's what religion is. We're like, no, the first one was better, dude. I don't know the third one. I don't know. Not that good. Yeah. I think the Quran seems the most interesting, though, because it's like, doesn't Muhammad do some cool, like, superpower stuff?

Or is he only, like, a mental prophet? Does he have, like, powers? I think he could, what do you mean, powers? Like, Jesus' power. Jesus has superpowers. Yeah. Oh. I don't know. Moses had powers, I guess. But it was God.

No, for sure. But I'm saying, like, did Muhammad, like, I don't know. I think all the prophets, right? like God uses them. Right. So maybe. Right. But I don't know if Moses had like some mysticism where he turned somebody's teeth into bread or something.

I don't know. One of those weirds. That'd be nice everyone for a while. I'm hungry. Can I just want to chew and there's bread in my mouth. That's actually my morning routine every morning. I have a Celsius. My teeth and bread and have a Celsius.

Yeah. I turn water into Celsius and teeth into bread. Yeah. That's such a funny part of Christianity. Like they're like, Jesus turned water into water. wine and rock into like bread. Yeah. It's just such a weird, I don't know, it's like,

it's very odd that God was like, we'll give him powers in this. This would be a cool way to show off. This would be a good story. You know what I mean? It's like, he's giving, and then the walking on water thing. It's like, cool stories.

You ever see the family guy? Jesus thing? Oh, he's like, da, dat, da, da, da, that. Oh, yeah. It's so much. I think it was, I think all that shit was just written by a board guy.

that was just like, you know, it would be fucking great right now if this water was wine. It was like, oh, that's a good idea. Yeah, maybe. That's what I'm going to fucking write that. But people say Jesus. Not cool. Not on my part. People say Jesus, I think the Jews agree Jesus was a real guy.

I hear that. So if someone did make that up, then they were gay for Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? I made it up. He saw Jesus. Oh, he had super fans. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like anyone else, you know? Yeah, so is he kind of like, uh, I don't know. What, what?

What if it was all... What if it was all, like, sarcastic? Like, remember when, like, everyone was very stupid and had all those Chuck Norse jokes? Oh, yeah. Like, what if it was actually like that? Like, oh, Jesus is so cool. You can turn water and why. Jesus can walk on water.

Oh. And he's just like, shut up. He's actually the biggest douche. Yeah, he's just a fucking dumb karate guy. He was just hanging out. He did karate? Jesus, yeah. Oh, okay.

He's hanging out with horrors. like, hell. Yeah, Jesus. What was the Gandhi thing? Gandhi, like, slept with, like, underage women to, like, show that there's, that's a hilarious Gandhi store where he, like, he did some shit where he, like, slept with, like,

underage girls and was like, I was trying to show myself that I could go without fucking them. It was an exercise of my own thing. Basically, it is the funniest thing ever, because it's him basically saying it was a test of will that he wouldn't, like, make a move. So he would have young women sleep in his bed to, you know, because that's the most tempting thing.

Like, in his mind, that's what he's essentially saying, is it's the most tempting thing. So it's funny to just admittedly be like, who couldn't fuck this guy? That'd be like a Christian, like, bending a man over and, like, putting your dick like an inch away from his ass. Yeah, it's only the same thing. So did he fuck the kids? I don't know. I don't think he did. No.

Because, I mean, the guys got. class. Yeah, yeah. Come on. But I think that was the, you know, people retroactively canceling. I think they were trying to cancel Gandhi over that. Yeah. Which is, it is weird to be like, that's the test of will.

Well, yeah, didn't he? That's funny. Did he also, like, not, you know, like black people, right? I mean. That's crazy. Who does? I think he just once was in a bad neighborhood and he locked the door. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It is funny because the bald Indian guy looks black to me. Like, I don't know the difference at all. Like, I see that a lot in the city, like, like, an Indian guy with a beard who's bald. I'm like, it could be black. I don't know. Right, right.

Because then you see a... Right. Yeah. What the fuck you're talking about? They look nothing like each other. No, I see what you're saying now. They don't look like each other, but there's like a light skin black guy that could be bald in with a beard. And an Indian guy bald with a beard.

And they could go. I think if two... Well, there's billions. If two bucks were to say... He was Indian. If Tupac were to say, I'm like... a quarter Indian. I'd be like, okay. But I really think it's just the no stud.

Is it the Shakur last name? Well, that might be lending to it. Yeah, I can see that, but for the most part, you're just racist, Michael. Yeah. Have you seen... If you circle back, you're a bad person? I mean, it is what it is.

Yeah, not good. Have you seen the poggis of Tupac talking about women? It's the funniest Facebook compilation. Because at the beginning, he's like, these are our mothers, these are our... you know, these are our daughters. And it's like 1987. And then it progresses.

And the next way he's like, you don't always got to trust him. They're not always the best thing by the end of he's like, man, fuck these bitches. I don't trust shit for me. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen. That's great. I had like a,

I had like a, the lamest fucking white music teacher in college. And she was like, she's like, we had to go over each thing. And so she's teaching us hip hop, which is so funny. She's like,

these are the four pillars of hip hop music. She's like, we have MC. That's the one singing. We have DJ. We have, and she starts going over Tupac. And she's like, and he respected women. And I'm like, I feel like you're only focusing on the early part of it. Early days.

But this is going off one Facebook video. I don't know enough about Tupac. That's so interesting that you had a class that. Yeah, I mean, it was a... Florida, low-key, more progressive than New York City School. Yeah. It was like a music history class or something? Yeah, it was like music...

something, but I don't remember what it was. Our music history class ended at the Beatles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're like, music stopped. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing progressed.

I remember, I like, it was just dumb. It was like an easy A class. Yeah. But man, it was fun. It was like summer C. So summer C is like the summer where all the freshmen come in. And if you did that, that's sick

because it's the summer before college starts. So if you do that, you just get ahead. Like, you're like, oh, I know all the bars. I know way more people. I know everything. So I did that. And, yeah, just going there, hungover,

sometimes I'm still drunk and learn about music. That's fine. Yeah. We went to the same college and... Before his day, yeah. And you had an actual

college experience. Oh, I had an incredible experience. Yeah. I just, yeah. Did you drive to school or something? I acted like it was Costa Rica. I was like, it's dangerous out there. I guess so...

I was like, I was like, this is... Be de Grosso. I was like, I don't know. I'll go to one bar and then I'll walk home. So what was your typical weekend like?

Hope that the guy I lived with who was the naked guy with the big dick, he hoped that he was like, we're going to go in your mouth. Hope that he'd be like, all right, we're going out to this bar. Then I'd be like, cool, all right, go out.

Wait, so you'd, that's so funny because I would be like, we're going here, but you have to hope that your roommate wants to go somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't initiate anything. So it's a, I do that. And then I'd go and I'd be like, I fucking hate this. It's miserable.

You know, or I'd like drink way too much, whatever, throw up in a bush. Or usually... It wasn't fun, though, for the most part? Not really, no. That's crazy. Yeah, no. Because this is the funthest place on Earth. In my mind, I'm like, this is the funest place on Earth.

Yeah, no. I mean, hey, you have fun here and there. But for the most part, it was mostly me just kind of like, scooching around a bunch of hot people. That's a lot of bars. I don't love bars for that reason. In college, I just get so drunk that I got over it. Yeah, yeah.

You're kind of just like rubbing on everybody. You don't give a shit, yeah. Yeah, once I got like on the other side of 25 and I'd go out to like bars on the Lower East Side and like, oh, I'm done with this. Oh, yeah. It's just that. It sucks now.

I was out this weekend. Yeah, I don't like a full bar at all. I like a depressed. Yeah, yeah. Like, I want an old guy just like sitting there drinking himself to death. It's so funny, the exact bar that you would walk into and like a hot girl would like shriek.

You know, I'm like, this is it. Exactly where I want to be. You know, like there's booths. You know, we could sit. Yeah, like that's the best. But I like, I love a place where like the food isn't good because that means no one's going to be there probably. And it's just, you know, you can't really fuck up a bottle of liquor.

Except New York has, there's so many bars that I mean, plenty of are packed. But there are a handful of these like dive bars that are exactly what we're describing. but, like, they don't have the best food in the world, but they kind of blow you away with a chicken finger here and there. Oh, yeah. You know, you kind of get best of both worlds with those bars. That's why I do like these shitty... And Riverdale, that's the only type of bar there is.

Yeah. Is the bar we just described? I love it. I was on the train. Where was I recently? I was on something, and I saw, like... Where was I? Did I fly?

What am I doing? Oh, I was on the bus. And I was... I don't know if I... They're convinced. It's really. I fucking... But, uh...

We drove by the Bronx and I was like, oh, it looks so cool. Like, it's just a different part of the city. It's nice, yeah, yeah. I mean, it looks nice. Yeah, yeah, it looks. I mean, you couldn't see the crime. There's bad areas. Yeah, that's great over there.

I don't know. Looks like there's people. It looks like some sort of water access. Dude, the Lower East Side is insane. I think it's almost worse. I was, I did a, you know, Tobin Miller's show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bad show, but there's hot girls there all the time.

I think it's a great show, Tobin. It's a great show. Hot people don't laugh. I'm doing it. doing it next week. I think it's great. Are you doing it next week? No, no, I've done it a handful of times and I usually do pretty well, like, relative

to the show. Right. Or I had, last night was actually great. Yeah, yeah. But I've been to so many where I was bad. Even, like, hanging and have had bombs as well. Yeah. But Tobin's the first to admit, like, it's just, they're so hot that they don't laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, but then afterwards, they're very friendly

and stuff. So it is a good show in that sense. But what I'm getting at is there's some of like the hottest people I've ever seen in a comedy show in this whole area. Just hot girls walking around going to the show. And then around the corner, there's some scaffolding. And under the scaffolding, there's two guys sitting in lawn

chairs and a line of crackheads. And I saw one guy go up, give him cash, get a bag. There's a drug line. And then beautiful women. Like a taco stand where it's like more lined up to buy. Yeah, exactly. And then the most beautiful women in New York City and it's like,

what is this? Yeah, yeah. Because also that's where a lot of clubs are. Maybe that's why. I just couldn't. weird because it is like a it is a it's like worse than the brons like that crackhead scene was worse than anything i've seen in the bronx and then like literally 20 feet away was like a supermodel I'm like this is very because they have those projects I bought ketamine there one time michael just a bunch of crackheads and michael's on the drug line yo ricky how's it going bro fucking drunken naked

dude i saw a funny thing uh I saw there was this like crackhead outside my building just like last night and this I catch two seconds the conversation because this is like a this is there are this area is getting worse

but there's also that gay bar there and then this crackhead was like saying something the gay guy the gay guy goes I'm not gonna fuck you you're nasty and it just walked away which is the funniest thing to see

I'm sure he was like can I blow you for some cash and he's just like ew it's fucking crazy to me that there's a lot of gay guys in comedy but there should be way more.

Oh, yeah. They're so fucking fun. Dude, we got rejected from... Yeah, but this is the thing. Sorry to cut you off. No, no, no. You can say something homophobic. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

I'm going to do it. Gay people just love nice things. And you don't get nice things doing comedy. That's true. I think that's why. They're just like, I'm going to be hilarious selling real estate. Yeah, yeah. I'll be living in a penthouse and adopt a Chinese baby.

Yeah, yeah. You don't... No, no, no, no. Yeah, it is. I just described the perfect gay. life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think that's

open public at all. But also, I'm not the measuring skill on that. All right, Michael said it's not open for a lot. Yeah, you asked me

that a couple of weeks and you're like, I don't know if this joke's too far. I'm like, I'm a very bad person to ask that question to do. But, yeah,

Phoenix is funny. You have a buddy with there a couple weeks ago and there was like a drag queen outside and they're like $10 cover and we're like, oh, sorry,

we can't afford it to go. Poor ass bitches. I was like, I was like, I don't have money. I'm sorry, we're leaving her. I will say, I don't like drag queens. Really?

Listen, here's the thing. They annoy me a little bit because they're not trans. Right. They're kind of trans black facing a little bit. Exactly. That's what it is. And it's a little bit like just going to the circus. I don't know.

They're kind of clownish. Well, it's a performance. Yeah. Do people dress and drag to just go about their day? Or it's like strictly for performance, right? It depends. I mean, I'm sure there are. Yeah, they're different.

In New York City. No, there is. Yeah. But like, there's, you know, there's dressing up like a woman, but then there's the, like, the ridiculous makeup. I wonder who drag is, so my girlfriend loves, like, RuPaul's drag race. But I wonder who the attractiveness, who's attracted to, because it's like, you're not, gay men wouldn't be attracted to a gay man and drag

because she's dressed like a woman. No. Women aren't attracted to drag because that's, you know what I mean? Straight women aren't. So is there any, it couldn't be like a porn thing? You know that definition of porn? It's like, I don't know what it is, but when you see it, you know it? I don't know what a hot, you know, drag queen is, but when you see one.

Oh, no, no. There are a hot drag queen. I'm not saying that. But I'm saying it's like, but I don't know whose demographic that is to be sexually attracted to because it's not like, there are straight dudes. And you know what I mean? Like, it's a different kind of thing. I think, like, I don't think, I really, I don't know anybody that's attracted.

Yeah, but it's more like a cool thing. like a gun show or something where you're like you're not sexually attracted to the guns but this is impressive yeah and I think for

I love that I somehow try to tie a drag show to a gun show yeah it's just like yeah it's just like guns

you know you buy a drag queen you bring it to your school and terrorize everybody that's what you do so why do you not like people huh people

I want to go back to that so so you're not a people's person no not really is it anxiety or is it I don't? No, it's anxiety. Because I have a thing where I don't like people immediately because I think they'll not like me.

Like I'll see, and I've decided. It's like a defensive thing. Like hipsters, I fucking hate hipsters because I'm like, you're not going to like me. I'm like you. And I never had that until like recently. Right now I just started disliking them because I'm like, you're not going to like me.

I'm not going to like you. Which is really a horrible system. That's how a lot of horrible things probably happened. Nothing makes me happy when I I just pictured Hitler thinking the Jews don't like him. I don't know why I'm thinking. I mean, they don't. But I'm saying like before you.

I don't think they were a fan. But, yeah, nothing makes me happier, though, when, like, I make that assumption about someone and then I have an actual conversation with him and I'm like, oh, you're cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I get to reflect and be like, I'm just, I'm just an idiot. Yeah, it's nice to be wrong. It's like, same with audiences where you're like, oh, they're going to fucking hate this joke. You do it.

Oh, yeah, they do it and they love it. Yeah, like I did tiny cupboard recently, and I got a new bit about how I love fat women. Yeah. And I thought for sure it was going to bomb. Yeah. It did great. And then, yeah.

And I was like, I'm an asshole. Yeah, you feel bad. Yeah, yeah. I get that. Yeah. Yeah. Most people are cool with the end.

I think it's all that whole internet thing where you're like, oh yeah, yeah. This thing. It's easier. It's easier to do that. I think people have lightened up a little too lately. Yeah.

You know, just a little bit. I think so, yeah. I mean, you still get people getting offended, but like, overall. I don't think one time ever had anybody to say they were offended by any of my jokes. Really? I've had it a few times.

You know what? It's almost swung in like the opposite direction. Someone was telling me that like, I guess a lot of these like like, like, like, come town podcast came out like right at the,

like when me too was kind of popping off. So everyone was going in this crazy direction of like, you can't say this or don't do this. And they went in the direction of like, we're just going to go falls to the wall like edge lord. Yeah. And so like it did really well. Yeah.

But now it's almost swung back the other way where like the edge lords have inherited the earth. Yeah. You know? So it's like, I think people are just like numb to jokes now because they're inundated with so much worse. So many worse jokes. Yeah, yeah, that's a good point. These podcasts, half the podcast I listen to, I'm like, I can't believe they're saying this.

This is wild. Yeah. So we're going to have to swing the other way. Am I going to, I'm going to become like an net. Yeah, you go to that way. I think that's the move. Now you go woke. Yeah.

Because it's out. Yeah. Moke isn't cool anymore. So now you become woke. the double down. That's, yeah. Yeah, that'll be... I'll flip-flop.

That's all just become women. It's a good career move. Right now. Yeah, right now. Yeah, I don't know the answer. That's a really hard part about comedy. You're like, I don't do something unique. And then you're like, nothing I'm doing is unique.

You know what I mean? You're like, you're trying to... It's hard to be original. No, I get on stage. I complain about my girlfriend. I talk about my small penis and that's it. Yeah, yeah. There's not an original thing about that at all.

I complain about Levi's. That is small penis. He complains about my material on stage. That's all you got to do. I've thought about doing that just fully referenced base. You ruin a set completely out. Dude,

you look so much like Dylan. And then they're just like, what the fuck is like... Dylan? Right. It's like Dylan mixed with Patrick. You know Patrick. Okay.

I mean, I know some comics that would do that. And then, you know, they think they're geniuses and really they just ruined a fucking show. There's a lot of mics. where that happens. Someone will do a joke about a comic and they'll

kill and I'm like, but are you, are you workshopping this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're about to close up here. What do you guys want to promote? I'm on this horrible show called Baby Shower. No, it's a great show.

Is it your show? No, no, no, it's to be a show. That's Tovon's show. Yeah, no, I had a great time when I did it. It's amazing. There was a lot of hot women there. and none of them were attracted to me. So I felt very comfortable.

They come there to laugh at us. Yeah, that's a funny level of detachment. You're just like, yeah, no, they're not. I love that. I prefer that. DoS podcast? Yes. That's all I got.

Okay, sweet. Thanks, Mike. Bye.