Morning Good - Level Four Improv Thug - Episode 8

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

We'd like to apologize for the less than excellent sound quality of this episode, we're occasionally running into technical problems that are unfortunate, but hopefully not too obstructing. Future episodes will continue to get better in quality as we continue to grow. Thank you for your patience and keep listening. More importantly, thank you to Claire and Leo for coming on the show and being hilarious people. Make sure to follow them to catch any shows they might have coming up or see some of their very funny content. Claire is on Instagram and Twitter @clairebearpears but you can also go to her website clairealexandercomedy.com for more info and links to some of her other podcast appearances. Leo is on Instagram @leonardo.de.angeloAs always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax

Yeah, it's going to be called Morning Good. Shut the fuck up. That's a great idea. Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike in the boys? Really? How you know?

That sounds fucking awful. Yeah, I'm really excited about it. I think I'm going to call it Morning Good. Fuck that. That's terrible. Welcome to Morning Good. That's a dumbest thing, though, because some people tell me they're like, they're like, oh, if you get offended when somebody calls you racist, that must mean you're racist.

It's like, no, it's because I don't want to be called. a racist. I don't think it makes you... I do. I do know some people who I did have... I had an old friend that I'm not really that friends with anymore. And she definitely had racist tendencies. She was like one of those social justice warrior racists, like so woke

that it's racist. She's like, we have to help black people walk because they can't do it. Yeah, like the type of girl who is like, the help is such a good movie, you know? And you're like, you look back and you're like, ah, you know. And she did get called racist one time because she was, you know, she, somebody yelled on the train and they were a black person.

She was like, can you please be quiet? She's crazy. And, um, you're mic's on, right? I think so. Is it? Hello? Yeah, she's like,

I'm not racist. I'm like, what? He said white power or white. Yeah, white. He said that around me one time, like, we're at a mic and we're all in the crowd. And then I hear like, what power my N-word? And then like, you're staying right next to me to look like I said it.

I love doing it. that's a white people man it makes them so and I call them niggas I love that shit they're just like when you call a white person that they're always like oh my god thank you so much like really I also I would love if I like didn't disclose Leo's race and we just put like a picture of like me in like a middle-aged Chinese man that's exactly what he is yeah I don't know we could do that here you can do with everybody this is every episode there always ends up one person doing a racist accent and I'm not going to correct them I'm like you know what do your Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Do your thing. I mean, you know, it's... It's not racist if you do every accent. Well, if you nail it, it's not racist. The problem is, like, very few people can, like, nail it. So, like, every time I try to do a Chinese accent, I'm like, this sounds so bad. I feel offensive if I try to do a British accent. I'm like, hello.

Oh, I'm so sorry about that. Is it racist if you do a British? No, right? I'm just making sure. No, I think we are allowed to hate British people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. It's just completely. I don't know anybody's like British people.

Yeah. I'm not a fan. No? No. I'm just kidding. I'm weird. I like the Cockney British ones. I'm like,

I go, yeah, because that's, that's like, that's like, uh, the southern, southern,

that's like our like, yeah, like, yeah, talking down to me. Like every like, like, like the British comics that like run like a talk show and they're like,

like John Oliver. I'm like, oh yeah. You think you're better than me? Like I get like, I don't know, weirdly like. Well,

that being said, John Oliver does run a talk show. So yeah, he is like a little better than us. Yeah. Yeah. Just a little bit though. He's like one step above an open-biker.

I want to smash a British girl, though. You feel me? Like, yeah, I don't know. Do you find that hot like that accent? Yeah, of course. Right? And I heard that they think that American accents are hot. That's crazy.

I think it's just like, oh, you're not. He looks like something different. Yeah, yeah. Like, oh, I'm bored. Oh, this nigga just talking regular all day. Yeah, I get that. But I bet you. Yeah.

It's hard for me to think that they think like a New Jersey accent's hot or like something like that. Right neck accent. Yeah. They're like, yeah, you won't. Yeah, I don't know. I, you want to get blacked in my pickup dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

No, no. I think she has, like, a southern accent's kind of hot. If it's, like, slight. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes southern accents almost sound British. Because they're like, oh, I've never noticed. No, I can. No, I've done.

Hey, y'all. Hey, y'all. Yeah, just a white woman with some accent and some just fiddies on them. You know, that's, that would attract anybody from British. That's all I have to do. Okay. No. All right.

Word. But that's the thing, too, is I used to get so defensive because I remember high school girls would be like, oh, you know, British guys have sexy accents. Like, yeah, but they're all uncircised. Yeah, but they're not here. Yeah, but they're like, they're over there, man. Yeah, but they'd be like, I'm here right now. Yo, Indians have it the worst, though. What do you mean?

That's like not as sexy at all. Barney come over here. I'm like, nah, I'm good. I'm chilling right now. That's a friend zone accent. Yeah, that's straight up. Oh, I can fix my computer. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. We're four minutes in already getting racist. Yeah, I like that shit. I like that. I hate that piece of shit. I just have an Indian guy on the next episode. Listen to this one. Listen to it.

Not even like, not even like, not even be on it. It's like, was that racist? Because like I hate that. Like, I'm not here to defend every. You know what I mean? I'm like, hey, you know what? Yo, come with. Look, is it okay to be a little racist?

This is what I have an opinion on this Go ahead And I'm white so it's very important It's important as fuck No what I'm trying to say It's the most important I think like the bad racism Is when you try to purposely put other races down

To make yourself feel better Like I don't think Because like I think if you're just like You accidentally say the wrong thing You're like fuck or if you like Have like an impulse and you're like Oh I'm trying to work on this I don't think you're a bad person

But I think if you like purpose Like those people that are like Oh I'm gonna go talk shit about this race Because it makes me feel better About what's going on my You know what I mean that's sort of like yeah yeah or if you like actually hurt someone like don't pretend like there isn't someone I think it's okay to be racist though like if and sexist too I mean like 100% and sometimes

I'll be driving and I'll see like somebody like sucks ahead of me and I drive by and it's a woman I'm like figures bitch I'm like oh my god I am a woman what am I doing but I think I think it like happens and I think that's like a societal thing obviously that like our brains are like structured to be that way a little bit. Yeah, because your brain is supposed to put things in categories. Yeah, exactly. For like your own safety. Yeah.

No, I always think it's like I'm, I wonder like is it racist. Like if I lived in like Texas, right, where they bring a lot of drugs in and Mexicans are like bringing all the drugs in like if somebody was like, yeah, well, Mexicans bring drugs in. And like they see it every day. Yeah, yeah. So I was like, is it really or it's just. Yeah, well, it's like those Mexicans. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like those, not all of them, right? Yeah. Not all Mexicans. Yeah, because I have a little about that about like how, like, yeah, it's about putting coke in my ass. But it's like the whole, hey, yo, pause. No homo. What's wrong with being homo?

Well, the thing is, not. The thing is, I already knew coming this. I was like at some point between the white claws or my sweater, I know Leo was going to call me gay. I really like that we're all wearing the same outfit. Yeah, we're really cute. We are out here. We should take a Christmas card picture after this. But like the bits about like smuggling coke and I'm like, well, it does come through Mexico through people butts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. God damn through your butt. That's crazy. I couldn't. If I went to jail, I wouldn't bring anything in. I don't want, you know, stuff in my butt. Yeah.

Well, the whole bit I have is like we're at a music festival and the cops are stopping people. And I was telling my buddy, like, we got to put this coke in our asses. And he's like, no, dude, that's gay. I was like, I feel like your whole perception of what's gay is going to change. We're trying to survive in jail for this cocaine. He's just like in the showers jerked some dude off. He's like, God, we'll put that cocaine. Yeah, I was not gay.

Yeah. This is good. It's not gay. It's surviving. Yeah, I don't think I like coke enough to put it in my ass like that. But I also didn't think I liked that guy. I fucked in my ass that much either. So I don't know.

I guess it depends on how drunk you are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was the thing. One time I did it and I forgot about it. Like, because we were driving in this. What? Wait.

Come on. Why am I feeling so good at now? Oh, you know what are the fuck? I've done it twice. Oh, I got, damn. Jesus. All right. Go ahead, nigga.

So what happened to us? We were driving up. My buddy just got like arrested for coke and like, they don't fuck around. Like you get serious. Any amount. He had like the smallest amount of coke on. Yeah, yeah. My boy got like five years of probation for that shit.

Just for like a bag. That's crazy. It was the smallest amount. Yeah. And so like a month later, me and another friend were doing a bunch of coke at the bar. And he's like, you'll drive home. He's like, I'm like, you good? he's like yeah dude totally fine and then we all get in the car and we drive and then we get pulled over and turns around he goes dude I am blackout

I'm like oh my god fear sets in yeah so I was like dude I got to put this coke of my eyes because I don't want to get fucked like my friend but I already paid like 80 dollars I'd rather fuck myself then yeah yeah yeah like an hour later I was because I was blackout too I forgot about and I was like dude I got like half a gram of coke of ice everybody's like that's gross and then like 10 Slabber's like, yo, can I get like a bump though? Yeah, they got that bump

after you. That's that shit nasty. Yeah, it's gross. Because it was in somebody's ass and you're putting in your nose.

It's the gross. There's a whole bit on a broad city about that with a weed. Alana like keeps in her vagina when she goes on a subway, which I always thought was aggressive. Yeah,

because like they don't really care. That's her fucking wild wife says she's even in her bag. I think you just want to touch yourself, you little creep. Yeah. Because I've also like, dude,

I've seen people just like shoot up. in public. Like, I've seen people. Oh my God. Yeah. I remember the first time I saw somebody. I've seen niggas laid out after they shot up. Yeah.

No, I've seen people, dude, I saw one guy right in like, not even like that bad of an area. It was like 34, what's the square or something square? Oh. Washington Square. No, no. No, no. Where the Madison Square Garden. It was like right around there.

I saw that as well. I was around there one time. I was going to a restaurant all my birthday. I was so excited. My favorite little restaurant. And I'm like walking there like, do, do to do to do. I'm a girl in New York City. cloud. Yeah, literally just being white, meeting my parents

to buy me dinner at this fancy restaurant. And I walked through this like, you know, when they close off the sidewalk and there was this guy fully shooting up heroin. That was the first time I ever saw it. And I was like, I can't like stop him. Yeah. I can't be like, hey, man. You know. Bad.

So I've had this happen like multiple times. And one time I made eye contact with a guy. We were going down like an alleyway. Like, you know like in Greenwich Village, how there's like certain streets that are like alleyways? It was like we just turned a corner and we literally just made direct eye contact to some guy shooting up and we're just like

you locked that what he did y'all fell in love after that like that can't get in That way you do that heroin my nigga I just like that shit

Yeah yeah Oh man I'm terrified I'm terrified I wouldn't That's like that's why I don't do coke Like I grew up on the dare program And I actually felt for that shit

Like I didn't Yeah Nah for real I felt for the propaganda Nah I was shook Like I was like Uh huh I don't want to be a crackhead

Like I was just I saw one time I went to this like art thing and I was taking art classes over the summer for college, just to get my credits out of the way. And I had this really annoying art teacher. And, like, he took us to this art exhibit that was all about someone overdosing on heroin.

And they played tapes of the 911 phone calls. And on the ceiling, on the walls, and on the floor, they had projections of this person's dead body. So you literally had to, you were taking it in all of your... And after 10 minutes, I was like, okay, I have PTSD. I got to go now. And then my art teacher made us, it was a field trip.

So we had to hang around for literally an hour while my art teacher talked to the artist of it And I was like, I was shook. You know where I could get some smack? Yeah, yeah. He was like, really sorry about your brother, but What heroin did he use? Did you have any leftover from when he died?

I know people who smoked it and you didn't get addicted. Like I know some dude who smoked it like four times. He's like, her wrong? Yeah. Because I guess like, why everybody has like a different thing. Like some people get really sick and they throw up when they do it. so they're like just don't get it. Like it's weird.

But I'm not going to take that risk because I feel like, because some people are like it's all. People say it feels better than coming. Yeah. I don't. I'm terrified. Like I sold drugs, right? Yeah, no, right?

So he, he was, we were chopping it up. And he, he, he, the best marketing. Danegas should work for a pharmaceutical company. Well, how hard is it to sell heroin? No, dude. No, but like, this is the best that it's heroin. Here you go. No, but I've never done it.

And the way he explained it, he was like, Yo, it's like coming for 30 minutes. I was like, yo. He was like, dude, you get this rush. You were like, he's like, you know why they're like this? Like, oh, like, oh, like fuck and like, he's like, because Derek, nah, it's, it's all right. We have free will, so they're choosing. Right.

They're like, he's like, it's because you feel like you're like, it's so strong. The coming is like, great. I was like, dude, I was like, I want to do that shit. I was like, let me fucking do heroin. Yeah. No, yeah, he liked it. Once I get in my 90s, like, I'll do it. I would try it.

It went up on my deathbed, yeah. Yeah, it gets fucked up on the age. Yeah, maybe. I don't know, because I found it before. I found it before. I found, man, like a bundle. It's a 10 little slips. Are you serious?

I went to a rave. I forgot I had it. I jumped in a pool. And then I gave it to our cracket and they were like, it didn't work after because it got wet. Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, really?

A whole bundle. That nigga, whoever lost I was sad. I found so many drugs in my life. Yeah, probably. I found cocaine. I found a bag of like weed. I've lost so many jokes.

I lost like half a gram of Molly. I've lost like a gram of Coke. Like I always lose shit. And then I guess somebody find. What if I just find all of it? I used to go to raves all the time. And it's like I guarantee you if you just stayed for an hour afterwards, you could find so much.

Yeah. Oh my God. Phones. Yeah. Yeah. And all that shit. That's crazy. I've never.

I only, like festival I ever went to was one time I went to Warp Tour In 2013 Yeah it's not it's not It's done also it's done It's like blink 182 And I was in high school

I was sober Yeah no You know you're not blake 182 Yeah no I was like sober And I was so stoked Because like there was this one tent Where you could get a bunch of condoms And I'd never seen one before

So I was like oh my God And I took him to high school the next day And we blew them all up And then that was that That was wild. My friends were like, why are you wasting condoms? And I was like, oh. Oh, we're not supposed to do that?

Oh, I was like, I wasn't going to use them. I'm a child. That's how fun, though, then. Like, I went to Bonoero and did so much drugs. I basically had like a mental breakdown the next week. Oh, my God, that's terrifying. What a great festival. What a great time.

I remember we took ecstasy and saw Mumford and Sons. And I hate Mumford and Sons. And I hate it. Yo, you watch. I like them. I don't like them. I hate it. But base nectar was on afterwards.

So we're like, we're going to roll face for Mumford and Sons. And then I was kind of look around I was like dude I get it Yeah it was fun But but they're like literally like So you like them now? No But it's like

That's drugs for you Four days too much Like if it's festival I could think I could do one or two days again Because I went to EDC like a couple years ago Yeah Yeah yeah A bunch of Molly had fun But like four days is like just horrible

Oh my god Your body probably feels awful Yeah absolutely There's thing called Sobaroo I remember my buddy walks up That makes it sounds so sad He's like, oh, are you a kid? Yeah, well, he was rolling so hard.

And he thought it was like, uh, They got a daycare. Yeah. He was too fucked up on drugs that he thought it was like a tent that gets them, like, sober people up. So he just comes to the table. It's like, can I get some coffee? Yeah, yeah. Water, coffee.

He's like biting his up. He's like, you see guys can't like sober people up and stuff? And then they're like, no, we're like, we're sober people to go to raves. And he's like, oh, okay, well, fuck that. And just, like, walked away. But yeah. Fuck you guys. I wanted to do it.

I'm pretty, I used to be pretty sober. Yeah, no, like a year ago. You could, there's a time of people to do. I think it'd be a good time. Like, I think, like, it depends on the concert. Like, EDM, I could never go to sober because it's like, you're going to hear the same song 45 times. They don't run play lists by each other.

They're just like, I'm going to play this remix. And the next thing, you know, everybody's remixing everybody's songs. So you've heard with the same song. Yeah. And if you're on a ton of drugs, you're like, oh, I like that noise. I heard of others. Have you done EZU? What's up?

Isu? No, no. No, no. I only did EDC, but I've already, I know Electric Zoo, yeah. I want to do fucking Burning Man or some shit. I've heard so much. I want to go to Burning Man, maybe, not that much. Like, I would go one time.

I'm really not like a festival person, but I would go. Yeah, I'd go to one, because I feel like I went to Bonner, but I didn't like, the problem is we went with nobody who's been there before. So we didn't even know what we were doing. Oh, yeah. So, like, we're like, we're like, we don't know how to balance our drugs. Because if you go with somebody that goes, we're like, okay, on your first day, you got a drink. You know what I mean? They're like, do this.

Wait, how long is it? when you moved to New York City and you don't know anybody and you don't know any of the bars and then you end up just going to fucking the 13th step every single weekend because you're like this is the only one I know about you know yeah I love 13th step it's good bar it's like it's around here not yeah it's not far from it's so it's so like it's a big old bar yeah it's mad big um mad white bitches be putting up which is just basically like sorority girls yeah a little bit later and then you can play beer pong which is nice.

That sounds fun. Yeah, it's definitely, like, you don't see people, you don't see people like over age 26 in that bar. Yeah. Is there a black,

is diet? Like, what's the equivalency? Piano. Pianos. Probably. That's more hit. I was talking about games

that are similar to play. Oh, shit. Spades. Spades. Oh, my God. I got so wasted at pianas. Dude, pianos is fun.

I think you were there. Yeah. Oh, you drove me. I was like, no, I know, you and that shorty. You drove me. Sorry.

Kelly. Kelly, yeah. Kelly was, yo, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I forgot.

What did I do? I remember I was laying down in the back of your car on everybody's lap. Yeah, you were, that's my favorite move. I do that a lot.

I've ever in the trunk before. Oh, yeah, this nigga, we put Derek in the trunk the other day. Are you serious? Yeah. Oh,

I was like, hey, so I threw it out. I was like, hey, somebody's gonna have to go in the trunk. And Derek was like, oh, yeah. What the fuck?

Yeah. He was fucking around like, give me out, you know. It was dope. It was. That's, that would be a funny prank to, like, go to, like, a car wash place. You know what they cleaned the inside of your car and just have somebody in the trunk with, like, a ball gag? Just, like, hang on the day. That'd be mad funny.

Oh, my gosh. They just have, like, weird shit, too. Just have, like, bags of hair in the car. Just really is kind of like, what the fuck is wrong with this person? Oh, man. You get reported instantly. Yeah. Yeah.

Not a prank video. And they're like, oh. That's crazy. The Mexico would be like, okay. No, you're not going to get reported. Most people work in there. They're like, yeah, we just don't want to be a part of it. Mexican or like, you know.

Oh, that's so funny. That'd be terrifying. Dude. Yeah. What is like a scary, like, you think you would, do women always think they're going to get kidnapped? Oh my God. Constantly. Dude, is it a real fear, though?

Like, do you really think you'd get kidding? Like, I, when I'm so. When I'm so. When I'm so. Claire, he's like, no. Claire, there's no. Claire. No one's going to kid.

You want you, bitch. No, that's why I literally, I literally carry this water bottle with me. That is metal? Yeah. Yeah, because one time I read this article that said, like, if you carry some, like a, like a bottle or like a umbrella, people are less likely to attack you because you'll, you know. So I'm like, ha ha, try some other bitch. You know, that's how I feel. And I walked with like one air pod in.

It was like, rape's been around for so long. How have we not figured out a solution? Yeah. Yeah. The solution would be like telling people don't do it so much. In India is a lot. Yeah. Hey, hard.

Don't, come on. Nah, rape. Come on. Chill out. You know? Why not take the... Nah, I'm just... No, I'm just...

No. But I do agree. Because, like, I was talking to my sister about this. It has been around forever. Forever. It has.

Man long. We haven't solved that issue like cancer, nigger. Come on, son. The thing we just found out it was the issue like 100 years ago. Yeah.

Yeah. Before that, they were like, women never say yes. Like, yeah. Yeah. Like, how are we supposed to make more people? Like, we can't do it. You know, if she says no, don't even worry about it.

And she's a witch. She's a witch-ass bitch. Yeah, I don't fucking. Who cares, you know? That's the weird thing about witch. So, like, I'm, I've been trying so hard to get a Satanist on my podcast. And all living like, what's up? What happened to that fucking guy at a one in one or whatever the fuck?

That open mic or guy, he's a saneess. Oh, who? That white niggas. The guy with a glass of wine? Yeah. That white dude. He'd be like, ah. I'm like, I just told me as a Satanist.

I want to know. I actually, it's a white person. It was weird though, because I'm in like so many group chats of it. And there's this weird thing. It's white people. And then like African scam artists.

Yeah. They're like, either African people or some of them are African scam artists. They're like, I can get you into the Luminati for 100 bucks. The people that are into Satanists are like, they run everything. So yeah.

Right. But I also like, I'm in the weirdest group chat now. Only 100 bucks? That's mad cheap, bro. Yeah. But it's not really in the Luminati. Nah, bar.

Yeah, that's still cheap. Yeah, right. It's like, Julia, who's like, yo, why are me the money? Dude, you know, like, when people are like, oh, people sell their souls, I was like, that's, that's bullshit because everybody, women sell ass, you know what I mean? Like, what do you want to sell your, you feel me? And, like, different souls would be cheaper, you know? Like, your soul will be on the clearance rack, you know, that's what's up? That's like, hey, this is like, hey, this is going to whack.

Yeah, not, not for you. No one's going to kidnap you. Your soul sucks. no one's going to kidnap you because your soul is trash you're fucking cheap soul having bitch I'm trying to get a kidnapper like that he's like got some real change in his basement he's like yeah but her soul it's not it's not yeah like she just doesn't really talk that much

and I hate her no I would be a great kidnapping person they'd be like what's up I'd be like oh my god you have no idea I mean like do you want to talk like we should play tic-tac-tac-tow I'm like you get to go they're like yo get the fuck go they'd just be like leave me load honestly That being said, please no one kidnapped me For the love of God I'm pretty happy with my life

Like Stockholm syndrome How that occurs Oh my God Right? That doesn't even make sense No I think it makes total sense I think it's like an evolutionary thing Because your brain goes like Oh this person is technically giving me food

Yeah That's so like I know exactly how Stockholm syndrome works Because I went to college With a bunch of girls who got engaged already To their boyfriends Yeah Like I think that's a

exactly. I think it's just like, oh, I'm here and this other person is here. That's beauty and the beast in a nutshell, you know? It's like, oh, I'm here and there's another person here and we've got to fall in love. There's no other choice. I don't know. That's sad. Women's brand. It's that. Women's, that's why they get paid less. Listen. I'm not going to show look. Nah, man. It's sad. Every time we're talking about, like, certain things are like, oh, that's sad. If I can't rock. Fox being a dude. I love it, man. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I like peeing sitting down, though. I was talking to somebody about this recently because my job, I wish I could be sitting down, but I'm a man. You can try. No, no, no. No, no.

No, that's gay man. I did it wasn't. I was like, no, I'm gay now. No, that's it. I don't sit down to pee. I don't sit coke in my ass. No, man. I, uh, no, I used to work outside and stand up all day.

And I got really excited to. go to the bathroom because I'd be like, this is my first time to sit down. It was pretty nice. I used to go to bathroom a lot at like family functions because I didn't want to talk to people sometimes. Yeah. It'd be like a good place to just like hang out. Yeah.

No, I like I would, during work I would go to the bathroom, sit down and like text everybody. Like people I hate. I picked up smoking at one of my jobs just so I could like, you leave for smoke breaks. It's so funny because people who smoke cigarettes hate me because I never got to dig the cigarettes. I smoked them for like all the time since I was like 13. Are you serious? What? Like I didn't realize, this is how it was.

Like, when I was like 13, I think I had my first cigarette. Same, same. Yeah. But my buddy's like. I was like, I was like 15. My buddy's like, bro, these are, I got these in my brother's drawer. I was like, do they get you high? He's like, no, they get you lightheaded.

And I was like, fucking sick. Let's do them. Even better. And I would always smoke like to the extent where like I would smoke like very small amount. I got smoke a pack over like a month. Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

But then when I started working in a restaurant, I was like, oh. Oh, everybody does it. Yeah, I'll just smoke all the time. And I was driving for Uber. and like I had to stay up all night but I didn't want to drink any more coffee because it would keep me up too late and like his

cigarette's like a short acting stimulus so I just smoke cigarettes and never like never got addicted and then ever you smoked cigarettes crazy. I never I haven't like smoked a lot but every time I do

I really hate it and I like I'm the type of person who will smoke the whole cigarette like this is disgusting oh I hate this so much and then I'll never do it again and I'm so disrespectful of the person who gave me the cigarette I'm like can I have one

and they're like yeah I hate this A piece of a thing. Yeah. I used to rip the filters off because it gives you more of a buzz. Are you serious? When I was shit-faced, I would just smoke like a filter. Oh, my God. I just get the back on my mouth.

I was drunk recently. I took one hit of a cigarette and I was like, whoa! Absolutely not. Get this the fuck out. It makes you fucking shakes your world. I like who. I was addicted to hookah for a while. Yeah.

And that's really bad for you, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. We used to go and play chess. Chila. It was mad. Wow. We got, you know, Queens gamut over here.

Nah, yeah. Me and my boys would just go. like almost like at least once a week for sure like that's crazy I remember going to hookah bars after I turned 18 just because I said bar I was like oh my god I want to go to a bar and I go and they have the outdoor dye now the tents oh no no I didn't even cut you off sorry oh no no no it was I just felt really fucking cool like going to a hookah bar yeah because I was like oh I'm at a bar

I'm so cool and then the only drink you can buy is like lemonade and you're like whatever yeah yeah there's a place over there though And what we did was not to underplay your story and try to hype it. No, it's definitely much more. Yo, this make us a baza underplay your shit right now. Stay tuned, my nigga. With that indoor outdoor dining thing right now, we got like a hookah at this restaurant,

and then we realize we're just like in a tent smoking this hookahs. You're getting like really lightheaded because it's like, it's literally three of us in like a smaller quarter than us hanging out right now. Just getting like browned out of stuff. That's crazy. That's disgusting. The bad thing about hookah is that you smell like it. Yeah.

Like it doesn't even like cigarettes. No, but hookah is like like, like I feel like if you smoke a cigarette and you wash your hands and you brush your teeth, it goes away. Like if I'm in a hookah bar and I wear the same clothes the next day, there's no. Oh man. No, no. When I went to college, the bar at my college, you could smoke inside of which I was like, I didn't know it was 1932. Right. I was like if I went to the bar, I would have to shower.

My hair would smell. Yeah, it's gross. Yeah. And like I could, and I would go for dinner because it was in my. backyard. I would like go to get wings and trashed. But then I'm like I can't play I can't play off that I was like not at Murphs last night because I would be like, oh, I'd be like, are you hung over? That's a perfect dive bar. That's a good. That's a good name. It was called Merf's study hall. And it's like the stupidest joke of all time because people like, did you like to start your

study hall? Yeah. And I remember like literally pulling my corridors together to like buy a Bud Light and being like, this is the life man. What college did you go to? Your college of Pennsylvania. Oh, you live in PA? You're from PA? No, no, I'm from Connecticut, but I... Yeah, that's what I thought.

I was, I went to college in Pennsylvania because I thought I was going to go to Penn State. I really wanted to go to Penn State. I got brutally rejected. What is brutally? They were like, yo, my whole family went to Penn State and I audition for their theater program. They said I auditioned to go to school there.

You're like, I'm going to be great at sucking dick. I can be in a soror. I'm like, listen, I'm like your perfect white woman. Like, I'm exactly what you think you... Oh, wow. You're a theater? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

And so I auditioned to be a theater major. And I, they had, I'd read an essay about somebody to get in. And so I wrote an essay on Fred Astaire because he was like a, he's a dancer. And somebody told him when he grew up, like, you're never going to be a dancer. So I wrote about... And then he became a dancer. And so I wrote this whole article about how that was so inspired. that he got rejected his whole life.

And I wrote that article. And I was like, that's an, or not article. I wrote this, this fucking paper. And then Penn State was like, yeah, you haven't been rejected enough. Don't come to our school. And I cried, like I got broken up with for three days in my bedroom, lights off. We had pizza in the middle of the week. It was crazy.

Family never does that. So, yeah. We're pizza on Fridays kind of people. So, yeah, yeah, it was, it was so. I was so embarrassed because I had my heart sound at Penn State. Because your whole family went there. Yeah. Are you the black sheep of your family?

I'd say, yeah. Everybody is a lot like smarter than me. Oh, that's, yeah, that's sad to be the dumbest one. Yeah. My brother goes to like Carnegie Mellon and. I don't know where that. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's really good school. Melon at the end of it. Like, that's great. Yeah.

It's like, you know, I was a good, like, you know, like a good school. That sounds like a community college But it was the theater program there So like I feel like They have a yeah At Penn State Are they more Yeah

I didn't get into the school at all I was like what if I don't do the theater program They're like They're like I got it I got into a Yeah I was like I'll try Seriously

Listen I will do literally anything Anything My brother was so like My brother was so jocky In high school And then not like super jocky But he was like you know kind of preppy like Whatever

Like the cool kid And then he, he, um, he joined theater for like a month and he's like, dude, all the chicks, it's like an orgy bro. He's like,

all the chicks are making out, lots of like, was that, was that your theater experience? When I was in high school, this is like so weird. In high school, theater was like so cool.

Like our, we had a really good theater program and like I actually ended up theater school. Yeah, no, no, we had like in Connecticut,

my school, it was like everybody, like all that, you know, we had people who played football just actually doing theater and like singing. Yeah.

And their dad's didn't like yell at them like a high school musical or something. No, no, it was like really, it was honestly like really cool. I didn't realize how progressive it was until I went to college and I was like getting drunk and then going to theater in college and people were like, so like, so like you go to parties, Claire? And I was like, yeah, man, like you don't go to parties and I'm like, no. And I was like, oh, rats.

Yeah, the theater program at my college was a bunch of, I don't need alcohol to have fun people. And I would black out at their parties. And then they would be like, Claire, you have a problem. Which I mean I definitely did and still kind of do. But like it's more annoying when someone points it out to you. Right, of course. And then I stopped getting cast in the theater shows.

You stop. We got too drunk all the time. Yeah, I was like the leads two years in a row. I was like the lead in all the shows. Yeah, you should be like, yeah, no actors have drug problems. That doesn't happen all the time. I was like, sorry that I'm method. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Put in the meth and method baby. Don't even. I'm like, you guys don't have any. You don't have real life experience, man. I have something to draw. from my pain, right?

Yeah, I'm like, I know. Do you need the pain though, my nigga, to draw from that shit? No, no, I don't think so. But I have heard with actors, though. I've heard some of the really good actors have so, they hate themselves so much

that they get obsessed with becoming somebody else. That's why they're good at it, because they're like, I want to escape whatever shit it's going on my life. Dude, that was 100% me. Really? Yeah, I had like real problems. But you were going to let her have pizza.

Yeah, my family did not let me have pizza unless it was Friday. Yeah. She's like, I want to fucking eat me. Yeah, women love pizza dogs. Y'all, they love that shit. Y'all, they love that shit. Yeah.

Not, but women I think, stick with me. Let's just start a stereotype. Bitschers love pizza. Yeah. All righty a stereotype. Were you not on Twitter in 2012? Mm, touch my button by me pizza. That was like, that was a thing.

That was so annoying. I remember. I was like, who. You were saying stuff about your life? Yeah. No, man. I mean, you know, like I'm from like Sandy Hook. I had stuff going on.

Oh, yeah. So, yeah, so, like, I would go to theater and I was like, I don't have to be this sad girl. And it was, like, really cool for me. I really liked that. Was there a character that you, like, just nailed? Oh, my God, a couple. I played, um, you ever see the movie Doubt with Merrill Streep in it? I've seen Mrs. Doubtfire.

Okay. Same thing. No, it's not. It was a, it's a play about this little boy possibly getting raped by the priest at the church. How do they act that out? You see the entire thing. I'm just kidding. We had a chas a little boy.

In the show it was consensual. No, I'm just kidding. It was like, it was funny because they actually had me when I auditioned the and the little boy is black so it's like a whole thing. And so when they have an audition, they had me read for the black woman. And I was like. I don't know. No, no, he's not even a, he's not even a, it's like a four.

In plays, there's only like four people. I got you. I got you. But, oh, yeah, so shitty. Oh my God, terrible. I'm just kidding. I don't even know what I was like. So, yeah, they had me read for the black woman.

I was like, okay, like obviously I'm not getting this part. And then I got the lead, which is pretty cool. That was a really good. Yeah, I played a nun. And everyone would say to me like, oh, is it like a sexy nun? And I was like, no, she's like 60 years. This is theater. Like, this is not.

And then so that was a cool role. And then one time I play like a mentally ill person. And I like, I knocked that one out of the park. And I was like. Because you, that's you. Yeah. because I identify. But everyone was saying like,

you got to be safe though because you don't want to get stuck in that role. And I was like, oh no. No, I obviously didn't. What's it called typecasted? Yeah. That's a thing. Claire just throws her shit against the wall.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm just like, sorry everybody. This is my best. Well, I mean, that was like a thing. And like Leonardo Caprio, his first role, he played a special needs person, which is like, oh, you're never supposed to do that.

Because like, because then you're going to get typecast your whole life. is like playing that role which didn't happen to him and I don't really believe in that stuff I think just take what you can't take what gigs are given yeah and like give you're all to everything like I don't think that there's a problem with that I think a lot of people make have bullshit excuses I think so too like I think a lot of the thing I've learned while doing comedy is that a lot of people feel out of control like they think that a lot a lot like I think like I'm not the believer of like um like oh I'm not I'm not the believer of like um like oh oh, you have to have talent and you have to be funny, I think you could just, you can really just work hard and get, get there. Oh my God. Yeah. We definitely have to network, but that's on you too.

You don't know, like that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, hanging out at shows and shit, yeah. Yeah. Oh, if I've learned anything this year, hanging out of shows is like way more important than going to.

I think it is. We used to go to like 800 mics a week. And somebody said to me in the summer, they were like, yeah. And I said like, yeah, I remember going to like three mics every single day. And somebody said to me, they're like, yeah, that was like, unhealthy. And I was like, oh my God, yeah. That was probably really bad because there were times I was like, I don't need, like, I don't need to work on this joke, but I'm going to like show face.

Exactly. Well, I think it's like if you, as long as you're getting up like a little, you know what I mean? Because like you can't, like if you don't get up for like weeks, it's definitely. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like a balance. Yeah.

You got to just, I don't know. I'm where, what I do now is like I go to open mics like when I feel like it kind of. The thing for me, I can't do that. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you see how he was like, I'm. smoke cigarettes for a little, if I smoke cigarettes for like a week, I'm a full blown addicted. Like, so I have to, like, I think my personality is very addictive.

Yeah. So if it's like all for or not, like, you know, I got to give it. So if I, for me, Mike's kept me really like in on the schedule. Like, I got to, you know. Yeah. That's different. Like, forcing yourself. Like, yeah, forcing yourself and then like not.

Like, I guess it just depends. Well, yeah. I mean, I used to beat myself up. I'm kind of like that too. Yeah. For sure. actually because when I first moved here I was like working and I would do I like I would be so mad at myself if I didn't make three mics right right exactly actually mad at myself yeah and now I think

I'm at like a really healthy place in terms of treating like I used to be so mad but now like I'm like if I see because we there's no mics going on yeah I've been going out to Long Islanders oh well I heard that shit is lit some of it's fun I want to go there's one place it's so funny one place has audience but it's such a local bar that's like there's one Vietnam vet that just gets drunk and I'm just assuming he is he has a hat that says vietnam fit and he just makes eye contact with me he looks like in the whole night he looks like he takes shots and it's just so funny because every time i go there the dude is just staring at me and then just taking shot as you haven't told them nothing for like hours and i'm just like i don't like that shit yeah it's a little creepy yo i would have

like what the fuck i think my eyes are smaller i've been told i look Asian possibly uh no I've got that before. You might like your dad, like you could have been Asian and white. I could see that. I could see like your dad would be like half Asian. Your dad is a red hair? Yeah. And you didn't get that shit?

That nigga is the milkman, dog. That dude is not. It's my mom. My sister has a red hair. But I look kind of like my, I don't know, it's weird. It's a recessive genes. Like it's not often. Yeah.

Yeah. That's funny. Also, did you guys see that shit about the fucking UFO stimulus? check thing. What? Yeah, yeah. What's that? There's literally,

part of the stimulus check bill says that they have to release information about UFOs in the next 180 days. Yeah, my boy just put me on today. So that's why we're not getting the extra, what, like $800 or whatever? I don't think it's that. I think that, like, what happened was like, I think the government's at the point where, like, there's so much information that are like, we kind of want to tell people so we don't look like dicks.

Like, I'd be like they want to tell us on their terms because that is really scientist or he was like an Israeli defense guy. He already, like, released a bunch of shit. And then we look like idiots because we're kind of like. like, oh shit, we haven't like set it up. Like, are you talking to aliens or like just like, oh, I don't know. Because like the term UFO just means like unidentified object. I'm full blown.

Like every person on the street is an unidentified walking object. That's a big fact. Yeah. Right. That's, I don't, I don't want to know that information. I'm scared. No, look, look, this is the thing. I'm like, people are like, oh, uh, the theory is that.

people will freak out. Yeah. But what is there to freak out about? I'm a person who would freak out. What would you think? What would happen? I don't know. I'd be like,

I don't want to, like, that's scary and the world's going to end and we don't have control. I don't like the feeling of not having control. Like, I mean, what are we going to do?

That was a bad reason. Sure. No, I think it's, they've been around, whatever. If they have, whatever, it is what it is.

I think the government briefing is so funny. I was talking to my friend about this. I'm like, it's good, what if they're like super cash, about it. They're like, listen, the real. They're going to be coming down. They've got to pick up a few things. Like they just have.

Don't worry about it. Don't be weird. Don't touch your head. They have like a soft spot. They're like babies. They're going to abduct you. They hate that. They hate that. Yeah, we got to start a slur for them. For real, we can't just let these dudes green skins. Yeah. Gray skins, right?

Space crackers. The grays are like, it seems like the green thing is less of a thing than the great thing. Because the great thing seems like it's like what is actually like. Yeah. Enough people are like it's the great thing. I wonder what the, I think it would be really funny if they look like classic aliens.

Like I mean, that's what it is though. Because I think it was based. They're little green skinny blobs. I was thinking about this other day. I was like, what is like, do, are they racist? You know? Yeah.

Like are they like, no, this fucking goopla gobble gobble over here. They fucking, they steal, you know. They have to. They have to. Maybe they hate us equally As a human race You're a human? Like, oh, dude, I don't, yeah.

I wonder if they're hot. What do you say Eskimos? Like, really specific. I have a joke about fucking an alien bitch. Like, I'm dumb. Are you, do you, is your bet the one that says clap alien cheeks? Yeah, I'm like big booty alien bitches. Yeah.

That's funny. Yeah. That's like a fetid. There's a fetish where girls like, uh, they squirt eggs into their pussy. And then, not like, hard boiled eggs, but like little like, like, like, White women. Yeah. Of course.

Not girls. My niggas, my niggins. But because the thing is they, like, feel like they were insominated by aliens. That's like their fetish. Yeah, yeah, I've seen that. I've seen, uh, because when I'm growing up, I looked up mad fetishes. There's like cookie porn. Like, like, like, cookies having sex.

Like, do they eat the cookie? No, nah. It was like a whole thing, right? Like, it was like they watch. Everybody likes cookies and sex. Like, it was cinnamon bray. You know, like the cinnamon. bread dude.

Like, you know that? Like it tells Barry Doeboy? No, not, like, you never read the story about the cinnamon. The gingerbread man? The gingerbread man. The gingerbread man? I don't know how much

the conversion of that is. He's like, Papa, the guy, conio. Yeah, the gingerbread man. They all look like the gingerbread man, right? And like the gingerbread man is smashing some shorty. And like, he's just nuts,

mac cream thing on it. It was crazy. I was ridiculous. And then there's... I did not see this Shrek movie. He seems like you'd be like a side guy. Like he's like, what is Junchement thing? He's like, run as fast as you can.

You'll never catch me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's probably what it is. He probably fucks the girl and then he runs out and then you come in. Because he's black and he's dark. He's going to catch me if you can. That's what black people say with child support. You know?

No. Your girlfriend's just cream. My thing is, I was talking about this. So I don't think my girlfriend's cheating on me, but I take so long. I take so long to unlock the door that she could totally be. It takes me literally 10. minutes to find out the right key. So I'm like, she could get 10 dudes out to fire escape and like put away a tripod.

I would have no. If you have a fire escape, like, you're fully. There's a lot of trust in that relationship. You got a lot of trust in your relationship if you have a fire escape. What do you think you'd do if you found your shoddy cheating? Like realistically. Realistically, I think I would be bummed, but I would immediately, I'm so good at immediately rolling with the punches.

I'd be like, I never even liked her. Don't even worry about it. My brain would just immediately think of all the negatives. She got mad that one time I watched five Batman movies in a row. That's not cool. That's not somebody I love. I feel like you'd react mad, calm. Like you're, cause you, like, I feel like that's how white people are.

Like, they don't. I feel like, you would cry. No, like, well, if that's how you feel, I'm like, what? That doesn't break up. Oh, man. If I got cheated on it, I would probably be like, oh, and then it would hit me later. And I'd be like, hey, fuck you. Like, that's what happened to me.

I'd randomly. First of, like, I mean, like, you know. You know what? I'm going to be, I'd be like, I would have to leave. Yeah, yeah. Yeah,

then I'd be like, actually I was fucked up. Yeah. But then there was also like levels of cheating. There's like, okay, I met this guy at work. I want to fuck him.

And then there's like, I was blackout drunk and then like I made out with you before. I think, yeah, I think that the worst is definitely like emotional cheating. Right. Like developing a relationship

with somebody else, but never touching them. I don't know. If she got fucked like 10 dudes. I think. I think. I think. Ha ha ha.

I don't think I would be like Oh wait Did you love them? Were you emotionally invested? You fucking bitch? She's like wiping shit off her face. She's like I didn't even know their names. Like don't worry about it.

I'm like oh cool, cool, cool. I was just worried you had a crush on one of those dudes. You didn't have a crush on one of them? I never thought about it that way. Yo, that ass. Yo, if your girl got, if my girl got fuck with one dude, I'd be like, right, if she got fucked by like five dudes, I'd be devastated, my nigga.

I don't even know. Imagine coming into that. Yeah. Like just, you can't beat up five niggers. You know what I mean? Like, you're gonna get jumped. That's the situation where you're like, can you guys please give us a moment? Excuse me.

You guys like, bro, can you give me a minute? I'm not so close. Don't be fucking cock block. Fuck, dude, you cockblower, bro. Dude, seriously. Like, right now. cool, bro. Jeff is not cool.

Do you know how long it took me to convince your girlfriend to let me fucker? All of my boys, I had to talk shit about you for like four months. And you're like, aw, you had to try. That's so nice. Oh, man.

I got cheated on by like a sixth grade girlfriend, but like I was like, I don't really care about that. No, that shit don't haunt you. Like two years ago, you were doing the girl in sixth grade. I feel like you'd be haunted by that.

She's, you know. Two years ago. She was a six grade. I said, come on, I have a fucking car. I'm so cool

That guy has rollerblades I don't get a shit Pedophile getting cheated on That's crazy They have to get jealous They're like Man that guy like He doesn't even grow facial hair yet

Yeah He fucking he got a pubs then Like what She really cheated on me With someone who's sneakers laid up Fuck that guy I got Disney Plus We can watch

Yeah I fucking pay my own rent Like what It's ridiculous Yeah Well that's the thing is like It's so funny Because like

I support teachers But I think people get too excited where they're like, cops are all shitty people, but teachers are all good people. I'm like, dude,

every high school, my high school, there's like multiple teachers and fuck kids. They all date each other too, cops and teachers. That's like, you know.

What do you mean? Amongs each other. Every cop I know is dating a teacher. I was talking more like, a lot of teachers fuck students. I'm not saying all teachers suck. Yeah. I think I see them in similar categories sometimes.

I mean, I love teachers. Yay. I feel like you would be a substitute teacher though. Me? Oh, totally be. Listen, I'll take any job.

Like, like, is anyone hiring? Thank you. How about you? Try to become a professor of theater at PA where... At your college of Pennsylvania? Oh, boy. I would be the coolest theater professor.

I would be like, listen, this weekend, blackout, all right? Yeah. I like, you guys all are going to fucking get absolutely hammered and call me and do your monologues. All right? I don't care that you're 19. Go for it, you know? I'd be like giving my shoes. I don't know.

I don't think. Not a theater kid. Yeah. I didn't need. I didn't. I didn't. I know. I'm not a fucking loser.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe one of the high school theater kids that, uh, that would play football, you know? Not like a, not like a nerdy theater. I would never sleep with somebody who does improv and I hold myself to that. Yo, I did improv. That shit is fucking. I did improv.

Oh my gosh. I was doing improv. And. And I have done improv since I was like 11. And I took the UCB class here. And I was in a scene with someone. And I said some bit about how I was like, oh, I'd rather have chlamydia than bedbugs. And my teacher stopped the scene and was like, Claire, do you really feel that way?

And I was like, of course. And I just like said, I was like, I know how to get rid of chlamydia. And like nobody laughed. And I was like, oh my God, I'm like, I do stand up. I'm not an improv girl. I'm like, what am I fucking. I was like, and then I had my closure with UCB. Yeah.

And then they closed. And I was like, thank God I took that class because otherwise I'd be so sad. Yeah, but I was talking to Nathan Orden about this. It's like it doesn't make sense that it's not. I don't know why it came out that way because like how funny. We were talking about this in the last podcast. How funny would it be if there was like an improv troupe and like they went for it? Like somebody's just like, oh my gosh, I have a dead baby.

what are we going to do with it? And then you have like one guy like... We're going to fuck it. I don't know. Have you ever put your dick in a dead baby? Hey, put it in his mouth. Yeah. I don't know.

It's like, yes. They get it. They know jokes. Everybody else to be disturbed. These guys fucking get it. They just tease the baby. They get a little money people in improv, but I had the same experience

where like the second you start to like push any envelope slightly. Yeah, no. Wait a second. But what is? Yeah, I got shit for Yeah, I was sad. Doing some misogynistic shit. That surprises me.

I've never seen you in that life. I would never. Hey, nigga, I'm wholesome. No, like I was Dude, I did in jail. Nah, the, I did like, I was like, oh, we got to sell this and I went like that.

I was like, oh, get closer. And I just, like, went like this. Like, I presented to have tities. And the lady, the girl was like, yeah, what the fuck? How is that massaginistic? I don't think that's wrong at all. I think in fact that you, that's, like, really great because you're not even identifying

yourself as a man in the scene because they get so mad when you say your own name or whatever. Oh, yeah, no, I put them to have some tits and shit. And they were like, what the fuck? I was like, oh, I can't. Nicky, I see this all the time on TV. That's weird that they, yeah, that is weird. They didn't like that. The girls were like, whoa.

My boy had to tell me because I didn't, you know, you're in the moment. And then, yeah. I really loved improv as a kid. I loved it so much. It must be, it's mad fun as a kid. It's so fun. like freeze as a kid. Oh my God.

That was my favorite game. I always thought it would be funny though. What if there was a guy that was like, you know how the cliche stand-up comic, like smoke cigarettes? He's all like, what if they had like a bad boy of like improv? This is Chuck Johnson. He's a bad boy of improv. He's always smoking cigarettes outside. He's like, time to do a scene.

And then he just gets in there and you're like, he just a bad. Those guys 100% exist. There are women out there getting ghosted by guys who do improv today. I bet you. There are guys who like get so much fucking ass who do improv. I bet you. I mean, you don't have to do anything to get late I've learned at all.

You can just be like, yeah, I'm available and people will sleep with you. And I feel like that there are some sad women whose friends are telling her, don't text him. Dude, he literally does improv. Like don't text him.

Like you can do so much better. And the girl's like, I know, but it's just like, you know, it's Trevor. Yes and you know He just gets me It's so hard And then he crushes her And then she has all these montages in her brain

Of them doing scenes together And she's just lying thinking about him Pretending he was driving a fire truck Or something She's like The moment I knew I loved him Was when he was pretending to be a sewer keeper Petting a giraffe

That's when I was like This guy's got my heart No I think the musical improv Do's definitely fuck I'm like well no Anybody who plays music fucks. That's just facts. That's a fact. Yeah, you can pick up a guitar. Goodbye to ever being single. Yeah, you're not going to have to own one. Yeah, what up?

Yeah, what up? Sure. I got a guitar. Whatever. It'd be like that. Like, I will, I used to work at this bar and there was a good guy who was there playing guitar and I swear to God, I did not look at his face. I was just like talking to him and I was like, yeah, let me get those digits, you know? And then we went on a date and I finally looked at his face. But I was like, guitar. I was I want to expand on what Leo said earlier because you've taken an improv class and you've been to jail I feel like there's no crossover

between those groups normally What you mean? Because like now There's not There's not a lot of that I'm definitely I'm done bad Like I'm just a weird person

I was trying to be an engineer Yeah I'm just a weird ass nigga You're definitely the only person In your improv class Who's been to jail Yeah I bet Yeah no that shit was dope So this is the thing

I was trying I'm trying to learn how to be funny because I'm too serious of a person like in normal life. So I took improv and yo I hated that shit, my name. Yo, I swear to God. You're so silly. So I feel like like I remember once I hopped in your car and he had those little fingers. Yeah. You know, there's all hands.

He's pretending. He's trying. I was driving with the little hands. I love that. Yeah, I've never laughed before then though. No. That was the only one. You're so good at like pretending to be serious, which is good for being silly.

Yeah. Because you could be serious about a silly thing. you should be like, you know what I mean? Like you'd be like, yo, you don't like fucking cupcakes? What the fuck's wrong with you? Yeah, yeah. You have that look that like that works to your advantage. Right.

I think that that's why some of the best actors are comedy. Like, you ever see Kristen Wig in any role that's not funny? Like, she's so good. Yeah, really? I didn't watch that. I'm the only one that liked it. I didn't watch it. Oh, for real.

I loved it. Yeah. That's nice. That it was great. No, I saw somebody else who liked that. You'd be watching chick flicks? No. Is this a wrongcom?

This is a rockcom? This is a rock' guy? He does have a nice-ass Christmas tree. I'll be honest. But this is the stiniest, biggest Christmas tree, like, you know? Like, this shit is, I don't know. This is a real Christmas tree. Is it?

Because you took the decorations. That's why it looked like that? Yeah. Well, because, dude, some guy tried to sell me a three-foot tree for $100. And I was like, that's fucking insane. People are insane in New York. Dude, New York is fucking crazy. I'm like, nobody, what do you?

But, like, somebody I guarantee you an hour later was like, that's amazing. That's a great. That's a steel. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Can I ask how much this was? That was, I think, 65. Oh, that's a good Christmas tree place.

Why were you like, can I ask? Well, I don't want to be like rude and be like, it was $400. How much do you spend on your Christmas tree? Yeah, it was definitely, I wasn't, I don't know. I don't like spending on money. But like that would be fun. Christmas tree should be like 60 bucks, I think. But the worst is fucking Ivan, like, hit me up like the next day.

He's like, oh, dude, you should have told me. He's like, this place by me, they were literally throwing out Christmas trees. They had like 40. They didn't sell. him this year. I was like, oh. That sucks. Yeah, that was sad, my nigga.

Yo. Yeah. Did Santa Claus come? Nah. Samaclaus work. You got any presents or what? Is there any? Nah, but I did do improv though, for real.

And, uh, because I was trying to learn how to be funny, but I literally didn't learn anything. All I learned was to heighten. Yes, and. It was corny, bro. Did you do any of that in jail? Wait, do you think there's any raping improv people? Because the yes and it's like.

Oh my God. Yeah. You just like, come on. Just go with the. Just go with the scene. Yeah. I don't like this scene. They're like, you have to, yes, head.

Let me touch your titties, girl. Come on. Oh, my God. I feel like there's rapy people in every profession. Yeah, that shit is corny, though. Like, damn, there's rapy people who sell Christmas trees. Actually, I think it's all of them. I feel like all of them, dude.

If they have a band, they rape. I think, guys. Show me? I think this isn't you. This is everybody besides you. Yo, yo, damn. Yeah. I feel sorry for women.

Yo, y'all niggins have it bad, bro. Don't I know it, sister. Anyways, yeah, yo. Yeah, but I want a juvie, though Oh, okay I missed a, yeah, I missed a lot of Like, I'm an atheist And like people are like, oh, why don't you believe in God?

Like nothing miraculous happened to you? I was like, yeah, nah, yeah, a lot of miraculous. I'm out in jail right now. That's pretty fucking miraculous, nigga, like, you know? Yeah, I dodged that bullet though, for real. Oh, nice. Juvie, I just did juvie a little bit. I was gang banging from Maryland.

I do have like 15 arrests though. Oh, God. But it's so funny, because one of my buddies's in jail now, and he's white, and he used to be like, somewhat Republican. And he goes, dude, the shit black people are in here for is crazy. He's like, dude, the shit we did all in high school. He's like, they're like, ever. I was like, you mean that one time they told my, because like, all the time in high school, I get detained? I never got arrested.

The cops would just be like, where are your parents? Did they pick me up? And I'll, yeah, like, it was all the, but like, I never got, like, arrested. Florida? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But yeah, you got 15 arrests.

That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. a lot of half of them were for jumping the train because I had a violent felony. Like I had a like I robbed

like I went in for like burglary or whatever so I got caught up for that. So every little thing you do then becomes like a bigger deal. That's crazy. So like in the train every time I got stopped any

for anything I'd get arrested. Anything in the train I'd get arrested. Like there's which is fucked up. I helped out the other day and the guy goes stop and I'm like you're not going to leave your boof. Don't do that business. I hate when they say that. Like, shut the fuck.

Yeah. What the fuck? Herb-ass niggas. Oh my gosh. This makes me feel like so pathetic because I'm like, oh, I only hop the ones when there's not a guy. And then I trip over it too. I like wear my shoes.

And then you know when you go like, I'm not very good at it. It's not my. Yeah. They don't know how to hop shit. You feel I mean? Yeah, no, no. Get your jumps up, Shorty. So that sucks.

You got arrested every time after that. Just because like, yeah. But then I got arrested for some shit that I did do, though. You know, like, I'm not. Yeah, I think he evens out I beat this attempted murder And I fucking, you know Yeah, it's cool

That's crazy I would have love if you brought that energy Into improv though Did you ever do that shit? Did you ever do that shit? Did you ever like really get people? Just scare the shit out of some kid He's just like

He's like, okay So we're gonna do a fun scene And you're like Not today motherfucker He should get in a kid and I'm like I'm having a day Yeah You can't use your fingers though

An improv gun is this from what I've been told This is not an improv gun Yo my neck Oh my God Can we get into this shit? What the fuck these herbs? What? Why is this traumatizing, dog?

I don't get, like, why can't I do finger guns? Like, what the fuck? Like, you fucking pussy? Why can't I fuck a baby on stage? On the face, nigga. No, like, no, like, why can't I just have a gun? Like, well, no, no, no. The way I was it's supposed to look like you're actually holding the inanimate objects.

So this your body becomes, so like an improv dick is not your finger there. An improv dick would be you holding. Oh, the shape. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I didn't learn that. You see, nigga, I went up to level four. I didn't know.

Level four, though, damn. We're doing levels with a fucking shape. Yeah, no, that's what's crazy. Yeah. Like, the showy that I'm messing with, she was like, I'm just letting you know, never bring a gun on stage. I was like, bitch, I was, what the fuck I'm going to bring a gun on stage for? No, and then she was saying that, like, you can't, all that shit.

Oh, but maybe that girl, too, was like, it's traumatizing. Well, I think, I mean, they don't really like, like improv is, is, they kind of cut you off. It's PC. Yeah. Yeah, if you try to push any envelopes, really. I was just having a, I don't know. Sometimes. I mean, like, I feel like the only way you would be able to talk about guns is like,

hi, welcome to my gun store. What can I get for you? Oh, that's a water gun. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Fug the herbs. How funny, though, would it be, like, it's just so fucked up, but like a school shooting improv scene where the guy is just like, he's like, oh, did I shoot the football coach?

I like that guy. He was actually cool. That's a whole act down. Oh, my gosh. UCB would be dead Everything would be shut down. We should start our own improv group Where it's like

The heart It would be such a hard sell Because everybody would just be like Nobody It's gonna be late You can do anything here Yeah No don't do it

Don't hit me Ramundo You're like It's like a whole Domestic abuse Yeah Maria Mardita Hey my dude Let's improv

Let's improv in the border. I don't know. We used to do, I was in an improv trip in college and we used to play this game. You're fucking white, Claire. I know. I know. It's disgusting.

Yo, your dad, your uncle, your grandfather has some old-ass cars. I fuck with that, though. The car thing, though, so my grandpa has a 1931 model A. She's a fucking fire. So the reason why he has it is not like a rich old white guy thing. It's actually, that was like his first car. And so that then to him was like as if I drove like a shit. shitty car from the 80s right now.

Yeah, he was driving. He was, he was the biggest loser in high school driving that thing around. Like that was just, that was, yeah, that was his, that was his, like, car. Which is funny because it's like, loser, you know? Yeah, in my high school, you had a cool car, that didn't automatically make it cool. Like, some people, oh, I thought it was. Everybody had, everybody in my high school had like nice ass cars. Really? Because there's always that kid making. I'm for it.

I'm like, cool car, but you're also kind of a fucking loser. Yeah. And you'd be like, wait, like, I spend so much money on this. Yeah. There were even, there were, like, rich kids in my high school who were losers. Like, yeah, like, you have a lot of money. Or your parents are never home. But, like, you're kind of weird, you know.

That's what our balance. Because our high school was like, you just had to be fun hanging. Like, you could be sketchy as shit and sell fucking heroin. You were cool. Right, right. You could be good at football, but you have to also be cool. Because there were some kids that are good at football. Then you're like, oh, this kid's also a fucking weirdo.

And nobody's going to be, like, you still have to be, like, fun to hang out with. Yeah. That makes sense, though. Yeah, my school it was like there I thought of it as like a cake Like the icing on the top Was like the popular rich kids Who are just

Yeah I mean well the whole school was white You know there was I knew like One black kid growing up I knew one black kid Yeah yeah yeah And I went to arts school My senior year of high school And half of the people

They were black and I was like Were you like what the I was like I've never spoken Just so many black people Yeah Yeah, I was really surprised. Because I went to private all the way until high school.

Yeah. You come from money, nigga? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yo, he's like, yeah, I'm like, yeah, I'm like, God, man, nigga, hold up. But, like, it was like private. But then once I went to high school, it was like. Regular.

Yeah, it was like, oh, this is what the world is like, it's not like, you know. And our high school was kind of fun because it was like, you could be like a rich kid on the football team and you still hang out with just other kids. You know what I mean? That's like, I didn't like football. But it was like a very good Nobody there would be like Oh that guy can't come to her party

He's poor Like it would be the opposite Some guy was really rich And had a cool house But he was a pussy People would like wreck his rich house Like I know some shit You got her boat sunk

Why? They took out the boat Because people were fucking horrible Dude like people Yeah I forgot Yeah I forgot Yeah I forgot

Like dude they took the plugs Out of This is the most Florida Party party store No no yeah Yeah They took boat plugs out And sunk this chick's boat

It's horrible With their dad's gas tank And then somebody knocked over like a statue and shit. Wow. The craziest thing I like that

I like that kind of party. Yeah. That's a fun energy. I came from that. Yeah. One time my friends got arrested for making

like four local smoothies in the park. I was like, oh my God. That's great. Oh my God. You know. He told me he was like,

yeah, he was like, oh. And then he like, you know, things didn't turn out so well for him. But he was like, in my high school parties were just like getting drunk at this one kid's house.

And then we would go in the woods to Treadwell Park, which was like behind his house and then everyone would make out there. Yeah. And then that was it. My high school parties were like, if 1950s was still going on. Y'all didn't do hookies.

Were you leave school? Oh, we did. Yeah, no, like, we would have skis day. Like, where we don't go to school at all. We just go to a hooky party. You would just go to a party all day. Yeah, yeah. We would get drunk.

Yo, dude, yeah, niggas will get drunk. Girls would be fucking like, yeah. I don't think I'd ever do that. But we, we were. That's so much cooler than me. Because Winter Park is like rich. high school we have kids like get busted from other areas so it's like a good balance of like

so much kids but that's nice that sounds progressive yeah yeah but the parties it was just like the wild this shit is like yeah dude this one kid I'm not gonna talk about that talk about that shit maybe his dad was a politician I didn't know the kid and I just heard this story this guy's dad was like a major politician

and he got so high on shrooms and acid and he drove into somebody's house like there was like lots of like rich kid party where it's like a good balance because it would be like, you'd have kids that are like, like, you know, from like the streets. And you'd also have like rich kids. But everybody just bonded over. Let's get really fucked up.

Yeah, same. It was like if you have a hookup, you're invited. Yeah, yeah. And that's why all the people with the older siblings were cool. Yeah, that's how we should be. And I tried to do that for my brother so bad. I was like, listen, man, like, do you want anything? He was like, no, I'm going to Carnegie Mellon.

And like, it's my person. It was like, oh, yeah. That was my thing. I sucked at sports. I was like, all right. so I got to be funny and do drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, there were like the popular people in my school

and then there were like the funny people right underneath and I like, I skated by in that like eventually I was like sweet. Yeah, I was like, I'm fucking cool. Yeah, you gotta, you gotta survive man. Yeah, that's my thing. That's my thing. If you're not cool, just do drugs or sell them or something.

Yeah, just like, yeah, just like be a good person to hang around, you know. Yeah, that's all you need. really wanted that thing later? Let me catch you out. I do. I don't know what time at though. I'm trying to find out when I'm like,

you guys might just cutting it soon just because she's got to be somewhere. Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Is there anything else? Oh, by the way, this is Leo C. I didn't even. Yo, what are the late intros? Where did they find you?

Yeah, you can find me in the streets, nigga. Um, hmm. Nah. Somebody go through Gmail one time on the podcast. And I'm Michelle Walf. Yeah, that's Michelle right there. No, no. Damn, my Instagram is mad long, though.

Leonardo. De. De. Fuck yeah. And Claire? I'm Claire Bear Pairs. That's it. The bitch is white,

don't. I got it. I'm not going to change it. Yeah, that's funny as shit. All right, that's it. Thank you guys. White power.

Thank you. That was Leo, not me.