Morning Good - Life in the Fast Lane - Episode 249

Episode Date: December 15, 2024

Paddy Defino and Matt Bowman return to the show fort today's episode. They talk about Dominican Mark Zuckerburg, celebrity DUIs, and their respective retirement plans. Thanks to Paddy and Matt for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes and hit their links down below for more.Paddy is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and make sure to keep up with new episodes of News From Bed on YouTube. Matt is on Instagram as well @mattbowmancomedy and also hosts the podcast Matt Bowman is Bothered.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. Here with Matthew Bowman, and we're also here with Patrick Defino. Whoa, is that how you're going to start? This is how I'm going to do the whole podcast. It's very quiet. This episode is very much.

brought to you by NPR. We're better than you. That sounds like the voice of the doctor they send in to tell you that your testicles are very small. I'm also a doctor of small testicles. Everything's going to be a doctor. You got a lot of options in life.

Go to his office and it just said small ball MD. Yeah, but he's a huge black guy. That sounds like that. Hey, yo, man. Yeah. You got some small ass ball. It's like the guy from the Green Mile.

You'll be real with you. I'm not going to lie. It feels like I am like further away than I've ever been. Dude, we are totally not picking sides in the podcast. All right, dude. Fucking whatever, man. Yeah. Those are always the fun podcast where there's two fun people on one side and then they're,

you know what I mean? You throw somebody else over there. Yeah, and then it's like the library and on the other side. I did want to stick on the little testicle doctor thing now. Okay. While we were on it. You find out you have small balls? I haven't told that of small balls.

Really? You know who doesn't have small balls? My five-month-old son. Really? He has got a sack on him, dude. I'm telling you. I mean, like, pain-wise? Are you sure it's not compared to the baby penis?

So, baby penis is small. Okay. Definitely small penis. For a baby penis? We're going to have to send in Dr. Baby penis. So your penis is just too small. He's best friends with Dr. Smallball. Like, they share an office.

We have to tell your baby he has a small penis at birth. He's used to that information. Excuse me, go-go-go-gag-gigi. The baby just starts crying. He's like, I can't do the bris. I'll cut the whole thing off. There's nothing wrong. But yeah, he's got a fucking beanbag down there, dude.

Nice. It is. They are hefty. I bet that wreaks havoc on diaper change. Oh, dude, it's, so far it's not too bad. Okay. But you got to do, you do have to do a lift and get under there when you're wiping down. A lift clean and place.

Exactly. Like in golf. I feel like I would use, it's so funny, it's because it's not my son. I'm like thinking of how I would change a baby. And I feel like I'd feel so uncomfortable touching a baby's balls

that I would have to use like a, what do you call those things that you, like a, like a popsicle stick to like lift it and then get under? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like a tongue depressor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, dude, it doesn't matter. No, I'm sure. What I would do is I would just, like, if my baby shit himself, I would strip him completely naked and have them climb onto my back and just find the nearest public pool to swim around.

Do you have a couple laughs with them on your back? Like a turd tornado in the pool? It's weird they don't have like a diaper changing diva. The second I thought of that, I'm like it sounds like a good murder babies. Yeah, Jamaican nannies. Yeah, it is like, I don't know, you just assumed there'd be like a baby dunking machine. Like a bouet, but for babies

where it's kind of like, like almost like you put it in like a thing and then just mist comes out and like soap and water and baby bath. Yeah. Do you remember during the pandemic when like babies were getting baptized and like the priests were like shooting them

with holy water? Oh yeah. Oh, I didn't see that. I'm really not. I'm first I was like, dude, what the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, do you remember this very specific thing from the pandemic? But then I do remember. There's like a famous photo. Yeah. Just a priest just like holding like a yellow squirt. gun.

I love the idea of a priest getting like a super-soaker. Like, like, what do you get like saying if it hurts? The baby gets like a little teardro off. He's like, he got a social distance. Bam! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we never got that salt gun. We've been talking about that on this podcast. Yeah. To kill fucking ants and shit. Yeah. We mostly have spiders here, but the things you get spiders, you don't have bugs. Yeah, we keep a good spider number to keep the flies down. Yeah, once a week I kill four spiders, but

exactly just to keep the population where it's supposed to be. Yeah. My buddy back in Ohio, he had a really funny joke about spiders. He was like, I was at my friend's apartment and I killed a spider. Or my friend said, don't kill the spiders because the spiders kill other bugs. And he's like, what other bugs? Spiders, those are the bugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, those ones I don't like.

Yeah, those are the bugs. That would be like if cops were like, we don't catch murderers because sometimes they kill drug dealers. Yeah. I wonder if there's any spider on spider crime. Ooh, yeah. Definitely. Like a daddy long leg. You know how you have, like you see, like, you'll see a video of like a shark that's got like a gash on its face or like a three-legged dog or something?

You think there's a spider that's walking around with like seven legs and everybody's like, don't fuck with that guy. Potentially. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were talking about, um, Jake was talking about getting vinegar because that's supposed to like get rid of like spiders. Okay. But the way you said it was really funny, it's like you should do this to spiders because. spiders hate vinegar. And hate is a very funny word.

If they're like, ew, it smells bad. Yeah, just like them in front of a salad. Is there vinegar? Yeah. Oh, it sounds like balsamic. What about it? Because you're talking about, too, he's like, I also don't like the smell of vinegar.

Yeah, you know, like it's universal. It's like setting them on fire. I think we have to move out. Yeah. Yeah. But flies, for some reason, love the smell of shit. Yeah. I don't know what it is about flies.

I think they just, they recognize. it as a place that they can like have babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're probably just like, we're accepted where they're shit because there aren't gonna be people there. They probably don't even smell.

No, yeah, I haven't seen a nose on one of those. They live for like three days. There's no way that they've evolved to have a sense. They live for three days? It's fucking a week maybe. They don't live that long. I wonder if for them it's long, like, probably not.

Sure. Like, do you think they live like a whole? Do they grow in size at all? I don't, I mean, they, from a fucking like larvae to a thing, a maggot larvae, of a fucking turning into a fly type thing. But I've always been curious because people, you know,

like the police will find a dead body or something. And there's always just like, like so many flies. Yeah. But like if none of the windows are open, where the fuck are those flies coming from? I don't know if they're born in the host because I've had the same question.

But it's like, but it'll happen for like, where are all these maggots? It'll come from a human body. And I hope I don't have maggots in me right now. I think we do have little bugs in us. What? I saw a close up photo.

of eyelashes and there's like all of these little mites that just climb around. Oh, fuck. They're just like microscopic. But like our bodies are essentially like earth. Yeah. Just very small. Damn, dude. Yeah.

That's disgusting. And for me, you got even more. Yeah. HV. H-PV. H-I-V. H-TPS backslash going. J-K. L-N-O-P. Yep.

No, I actually, yeah, I got the doctors yesterday. I have like Medicaid. or Medicare, whatever one. By the way, this isn't me shoehorning and the assassin, but we'll touch on it. But I'll just go to the doctors. It's so funny, too, because I just get tested for literally every... It's very funny.

You want to test for AIDS? I'm like, I definitely don't have it. But yes, just to be like, I don't have AIDS. Just so I can rub it in other people's faces who do have AIDS. I need physical proof to go down to the clinic. Plus, it's fun if the doctor thinks you might be gay once a bit. I like to lead my doctor

on. Like, are you sexually... with men or women, and I'm like, I suppose. I suppose so. Yeah, what do you think? What are you? Yeah. I voted for Kamala.

You put it together. Exactly, yeah. He just literally legs like this. I don't know. You tell me. I don't know. You read the story. Like, we didn't give you a gown when you came in here.

Where did you get that? We're going to have to bring in Dr. Small Pinas. Or maybe Dr. your gay penis. It's just like very curved. That is not a straight penis. The fucking, the buddy says I was at the pair the other day and they have that

you see that thing I said in the group? You have to be more specific. They had this jug and it said kills HIV and then HIV 1 in parentheses AIDS virus. It was like cleaning product and I was very confused because I was like, wait, this can't cure AIDS

but does this mean I can get AIDS from sharing a glass with somebody? Because I don't think you can't. No, no, there's only AIDS. To share like an ass with someone. Yeah, I think it's like semen, vaginal fluid, blood, and breast milk, I think, are the only things that can trash. Wait, breast milk? Dude, that's how I'm getting it. Yeah, that's like, I'm getting.

Straight from the tap. Pay, are you into heroin? Like, nah, man, I'm into big old milkers. I'm into tins. The straightest thing. This guy again. Dude, that is to this day, I laughed out loud in the theater, and I was the only one when I saw straight out of Compton. There was the scene when EZE finds out that he has AIDS, and the doctor comes in and he's like, hey, hey, man, you have AIDS and I apologize.

But he's just like, but I ain't a faggot. And it's just like, I was like, dude, that's so funny. Because 100%, like it was like 85. So like that's how people, that's the only people that thought they could get it. Well, that's also for sure, by the way, don't kill me. Listeners in the ghetto. But he for sure had gay sex. There's like almost no kids.

I'd like to imagine, like, listeners in the ghetto, like, people listening to your podcast on like a giant boom. They go straight from Kendrick's new album to the morning. It's like a car lifting up. Yeah, so I don't know if women who transitions should be in sports anymore. Made, what the fuck he's saying about his. Man, what he said about is you? I was going to say, what's Dr. Small Pines?

But, yeah, that's for sure how he got. It's also, that's funny that that is also the same exact scene from Dallas Byer Clubs, where he's like, you call me a faggot? Yeah. I ain't faggot. You look at me, you don't see faggot, you see rodeo. He goes, I don't even know any faggots.

But that guy got it from having sex with a dude. Yeah. It's like, it was funny, I think I told you this, I want to go see Madonna. And they had these, like, banners that all fell down of people who have, like, died of AIDS. And it was like, EZE and, like, all gay dudes. I was like, there's no way he would have been happy with this at all. Yeah. But, yeah, this is the fucking jug I was talking about.

Look at this. Read this thing. It's sanitizing foam because it says kills HIV. Okay, so initially when you said this, I was like, oh, this is a comic doing a big. it. But this is like, if this is a bit, this is the most like in-depth. This looks like, I'm a feeling that says kills HIV. I have a feeling if you're to drink that

jug you would just die, thus killing HIV. Yeah, yeah. So it's not like, wait, that doesn't fucking make any sense. Right, I'm so confused with this cleaning product. Now I understand why people were like, drink bleach because this make, because it says, underneath it says, when used according to directions for sanitizing bar

glassware. Yeah, I don't know. So like, yeah, this is, this is very convenient if somebody comes on a shot glass. and then are like, dunk it in there. Yeah. But, like, I don't, other than that. Is this saying... Maybe what it does is it kills the HIV in, like,

like, if you get blood on something, you can use that to clean the blood and it would get rid of any, like... That makes sense. I'm gonna dunk my dick. I don't know if, like... We're fucking a man in the butt. Yeah, I don't know if you can, like, funnel that into, like, the tip of your peeve...

Be totally scoffrey. I don't know, dude. You ever got a little bit of soap in the tip? Oh, my God. I can't imagine what the... anti-AIDS virus fucking thing does. Oh, dude, the little bit in the tip kills, dude.

Interesting that you never hear about AIDS hurting your penis. Every other SDD you hear hurt your penis. You'd probably feel like Wolverine from X-Men origins when he's like tied into that machine. We need more in there. We need more.

His body's rebuilding itself. He can handle more. It's fighting back. Do you guys know anybody that's not famous that has AIDS? Like in person? Like you could talk to them and they would be like, hey, Michael, what's up? No, I think you get AIDS and you keep it real quiet.

That's not necessarily... I had a family member die of AIDS. Okay. So you used to. Yes, I never met him. But he did die of AIDS, yeah, yeah. So I guess that is one. But he died also like before I was born.

Okay. I believe... I went to his funeral. Yeah, I've only, my funeral were like, baby funeral, AIDS funerals, suicide, suicide, suicide. Damn. Over, like, I've only been to, like, really,

I think I went to, like, one. Never, like a cancer, run of the male. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sir, mesophilioma. Like, come on now. Yeah, no, I think the one, one I've been to, I'm going to an Alzheimer's one. Oh, you can die from Alzheimer's? My grandpa had Alzheimer's, but then he died

because he fell and, like, had, like, internal bleeding and died. Yeah, that's usually died of you. forgot about stairs. Yeah. Whoa. Those look fun to try to climb up. It was the worst episode of impractical Jokers that's ever been.

No. He's like, no. I'm pushing down the stairs. Me and Paxton were joking about that one time because he's like, he's like, why do I feel like, I forgot what the joke was,

but something about that. He's like, my parents, he's like, you can die of Alzheimer's. Yeah. We're joking about something. I forgot what the joke was. It was like, yeah. It's like, my parents like backed up

and actually ran over Graham. Like, you know, in like your pub. Dude, have you ever heard... Grandma ran away, really? Have you ever heard somebody call Alzheimer's Old Timers? Yeah. And I'm like, it's one of those things where I'm like, are... So you're kind of a dumb person.

Yeah, I used... When I was like a kid, I thought that's what it was. Which, okay, that's fair. Yeah, and I realized it eventually. But like, I used to think that the old timers game at Yankee Stadium was just like, all these old people who had Alzheimer's. It's like just dudes in their 50s. Like it's not,

they're not even that old. There's a guy in basketball shorts. Yeah. He hasn't played in a while. He doesn't remember. Yeah, it's like, it's one of these two,

it's very, God damn it. I hate when I started a sentence. I have no fucking idea where he's going. That's all right. Alzheimer's, AIDS, Alzheimer's. Something about,

you're catching it, dude. Yeah, I really am getting Alzheimer's. No, my last job was working at Alzheimer's research. Not my last job, like a couple of jobs ago, was working in Alzheimer's research. My last job for a while was Alzheimer's Research Center.

And that was really funny because, like, growing up, I was told like, oh, my God, we're so close to finding a cure. And I realized it's, like, not even fun. Please tell me you worked in, like, the mail room. With, like, a lab. No, I was doing the research. Yeah. I am the one doing it.

No wonder why we don't have a cure. Yeah, it's all of them. No fucking rate, no way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, they like, what was it? They, like, always people would call me. They're like, yeah, we're donating. I think you guys are really close to a cure.

I was like, I talked to Dr. Small Pines, and he said we're nowhere near. You're nowhere near. We fall away from that. Yeah, no, it was, yeah, it was horrendous. Yeah, it was everyday people donate. Like, I genuinely was like, this is, I don't know. I mean, it's nice to donate money to research. But I don't know, like, I don't know.

I almost got a lab tour. I was curious to find out what they're doing there. Because I also, it's very funny that, like, I know scientists are working hard to find cures, but also like, I don't know, I'm just... I guess Google just, like, developed their first quantum computer. Okay. Which they said... I'm trying to think of the exact number they used.

They said it could complete a task that would take a regular, like, even a higher functioning computer. Ten septillion years, which I think there's like... They're fucking making shit up. What does that even mean? They could do that in five minutes. So that's like the speed of this computer. Okay. It's like expedite, like, ridiculous.

Like, Septilian is like, I think there's like 12 zeros on it or something. Yeah. So, like, it would take an eternity to get this thing done. This computer can get it done in five minutes. They also said they'll be able to scan bodies at like an atomic level. So they'll be able to, like, figure out a lot more of what's going on. Can they figure out what's going on upstairs with me? Dude, I think, like, within 20 years, we're going to know.

He was molested. we're going to know who what when wear and why yeah yeah do you ever look at like Google or like Mark Zuckerberg and be like hey man chill out a little bit like we've got all of the cool stuff I think just we don't need a thing for everything yeah but he's like what if we had like goggles remember he was like so hyped on those goggles he brought him on rogue

and like years ago yeah you can be like a samurai and play the goggles yeah they were like you can put on the goggles and you can tell yeah, who's Chinese? And you're like, well, I don't think that's necessary. Like, I don't need that. I would just, like, be exhausted. Like, you wake up every day. Every day has to be so anxiety-inducing

because you're expected to, like, donate money and fix problems and do this and do this and change this, and people are mad at you with it. Like, every day there's a plethora of things you're supposed to do. And be an evil empire person at the same time. And, like, try to look cool.

Yeah. Yeah, I love him when he gets, like, a chain and, like, a black shirt. Dude, he's, like, ripped, Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was my rationale for why we're not going to, like, live in, like, an online universe. It's just, like, dude, this guy's the biggest nerd of all time. Do you think he's going to waste his ripped body on, like, and where all of us are not living in this reality anymore?

He's like, no, dude, he's going to hang out and curl. But he's got such a stupid head, like, he'll never be able to, like, I'll never look at that guy and, like, have anything to inspire. It would be kind of fun if we, like, spray tandem. Like Dominican style? Dominican Mark Zuckerberg, I like this idea. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know about the culture, too.

I think, I just, yeah, to your point, it's like, if we, like, I like, I like having days where I don't do anything. Sure. Like, I couldn't imagine where every single day you're expected. Like, you're never off the clock. No. Mark Zuckerberg does not have PTO. No.

Yeah. There's always 15 people blown up his fucking slack. Yeah, exactly. It was funny that this movie The movie was just like Mark Zuckerberg's a huge piece of shit And then we just like Social Network Being to be in the dick to him

Because he made enough cool shit Yeah It wasn't the whole point of movie that he's like a piece of shit Thief? Yeah kind of Yeah But I also I guess social knowledge I saw both sides too

I saw him being like this is a cool idea And then he like didn't go with some people Social Network is one of my favorite movies Like I think it's top to bottom It's really good Such a well-made movie It's fantastic Maybe I got to rewatch it

I watched it in the 7th grade, or eighth grade, and me and my friends went to go see Jackass 3D instead. It was like the first date I had with this girl. We were like boyfriend, girlfriend. We met at a dance thing. Yeah. And then Gatillion, by the way, or like, it was whatever. And I remember I was like, we're going to go for like a couple minutes just to watch Jackass 3D right back.

And we spent two hours and just completely ditched them just to go see Jackass 3D. And I was like, I don't know. Maybe if I see it again, it'll be good. So you're telling me that you saw a movie once 15 years ago and we're like. Yeah, I didn't like it. Yeah. I'll tell you what. Not much has changed up here.

I kind of like the things I like. I was going to say, there's no universe where you like Jackass 3 less. Yeah, 100%. Then almost any movie. By the way, you said it incorrectly. It's Jackass 3D. Yeah. So even the dicks are swinging off.

That's incredible. Yeah. But in the movie, Eduardo, like the Andrew Garfield character, like the guy that's his best friend that he fucks over, in reality, Eduardo was like not doing like incredibly shady shit, but was like doing some kind of shady shit. And then they were like, hey man, can you fucking stop? And he didn't. And then they kicked him out. Also, you look up

Eduardo's net worth. He's like worth $5 billion. The movie makes it seem like he's like despondent. He was like, he was like, he was like... Yeah, yeah. Like, he's on the street somehow. I was like, no, dude, that guy's one of the richest men in this hemisphere. Like, he's doing fine. Yeah. But yeah.

Yeah, who was the other one? I remember Justin Timber, like, being in it. Yeah, Justin Timber. He would... He's a... They had to have a scene where he's getting pussy. That was so funny. He wakes up and gets a phone call. There's like a girl in bed and he's on. He's like, Facebook you're telling me. It's like so unnecessary. They were like, we got to let people know this guy gets fucking puss. Justin Timberlake is always surprising to me because like he's the most talented guy, but like I don't think he is like attractive objectively. That's wild. I think he's kind of cool. I think he's cool. I think he's like 2012 or 2013 like when

2020 that album came out and he was like all fancy and shit like that guy's probably really fun to hang out with he seems like such a good sport too like i think he's like like a fun i i'm gonna say this i love just a different my uh my friend keith have you met keith he used to do comedy he was like an older guy i guess like one night he was watching he was watching s and i think it was like the 40th anniversary or something or whatever that like oh yeah yeah yeah the big one back he was like watching it on tv and he lived in midtown and he's like i'm gonna go to the after party this live while it's on and his wife's like you're not getting into this like after yeah and he like took his tuxedo he like put a tuxedo on and everything and he went to the after

party with like one of his friends and like they saw like billy uh not billy crystal um who's a guy from caddy shack bill murray bill murray yeah bill murray just like grabbed them and pulled them into the party so they got into the party that's awesome and he said he was like drinking with like wine with Michael Che at the end of the night, just shooting the shit. But at one point he said he, Justin Timberlake was like talking to this girl. And he went up to Justin Timberlick was like, hey man, like, are you talking to this girl?

Like, can I talk to her? And he's like, yeah, man, I'm like talking to this girl. And he's like, oh, cool. So like, do you think like you're going to take Justin or me? Like he's like completely blew it for Justin because the girl like got all like, like, weirded out and like walked away and Justin Timberlake was so mad. That's so funny. I'm like, dude, that's... Even Justin, like, you can stop him from getting close.

Even like the guy you can just not be defeated. Dude, imagine like the gall of just watching something on TV and being like, oh, I can be in that. I'm going there. I've never had a shred of that confidence in my life. Well, I've been to a... I went to a Nesnell after party once. But was it the 40th and you were watching on TV and you're like, I'm going to go with. I was drunk and somebody's like, by way, we showed up there before the cast got there

and left like 30 minutes in because we're like, uh, okay. Yeah. But they do them all the time at like comedy clubs. So like somebody was like, oh, here, go here. Here's the pass code and stuff like that.

Oh, yeah. And then like all the writers were there but the cast because they're wearing like, they're dressed up like Peter pants. They got like take clothes off like one there yet. But it wasn't that fucking awesome. I didn't stop Justin to her. Yeah.

Well, like what would an SNL party be like now? Like it's like you all get together in like protest palace. Everyone on the cast. I'm like, none of these people look fun. Like, literally every single one of it, like, because I thought Keenan Thompson was supposed to be the coolest guy.

Yeah. And then he went on, are you drunk or whatever it's called? And like, I'm like, oh, this guy is completely tapped out. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Every time an S&L season starts and he's still on it, I'm just like, dude, what are you? Like, you've got, you have that little else going on that.

That you're still doing that. But I think he has other stuff going on. Every time I see, there's the Keenan Thompson comedy competition thing I always see. Uh-huh. Oh, yippee. Dude, I was Justin Timberlake. I also heard they only get paid $3,000 an episode. Yeah, that makes sense.

They probably get some deals and stuff with like TV, movies, whatever. Palestine. Tomaz. No, I don't know. With SNL, the thing, like Marcello, like blowing up and being like a big fucking deal was the really the first time where I was like, oh, yeah, celebrity. That's just a dude. I call him Marcel out. Yeah.

Yeah, now that he stopped hosting the 3 p.m. Right. That's what I'm saying. I'm just like, dude, I did open mics with that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now he's like the fucking hotish, and you're like, oh, that's just a dude. Like, you put these people up on like a pedestal and it's just like, Tom, hey, oh, my God. It's like, no, that's just a guy.

The funny is I talked to one comic, then they were like, oh, we'll never see him at the pair again. And then he still comes by the spots. Really? Or maybe this is a while ago. I was going to say, I haven't seen him in a year, at least around there. Well, right after he. got asked, no, he still would do spots. Sure.

Which is cool. I was like, oh, that's cool to. Yeah. But Justin Timberlake is a guy that I, I don't know, him getting the DUI was awesome. Big deal for you? I was like, people still, because I like when you find out celebrities are still having fun. I like when I find out

just that celebrities drive their own vehicle. Yeah, right? I'm like, yeah, this guy. That's like a huge thing. This guy was just driving on Molly, just like probably having just the time of his life. Yeah. A sick ass car. Dude, hopefully his own music. I bet if we lived in LA, like, if we lived in, like,

downtown L.A., like, we would just see cars crashed all over the place that just, like, celebrities and stuff. And they just, like, don't report it, you know, because, like, they're a celebrity or whatever. Like, those guys are probably fucking shit up all the time down there.

Constantly, they're the biggest retards, and they have so much money. Yeah. And they're like, yeah, okay, well, how about you instead, you got to come out and say this publicly about how, uh, the war wrong and then you then we'll let you off. Well dude I was driving home from work today and there was like an ambulance

and like there were lights and I drove by and there was just like an accident like a van was like trying to cross the street and a car hit it and it was like in the road and it was like no it wasn't on fire but it was like a big deal and I drove past it and I went home and then I was driving back to here and I had to take the same road and I drove back nobody there

no comps no lights nothing the cars were they just left them in the middle of the fucking road And I'm like, wait, you can do that? Like, the cops were here and they're like, nah, this is too much for us. People go around the car. That's crazy. Yeah.

Well, the fucking Justin Timberlake thing was like he, yeah, I don't know. I think if I was a celebrity, I would still drink, it's like that. I'd never want to drive, but what I would want is one of those cars where like a student driver car so I feel like I'm driving.

Oh, so you can like hit the break whatever you want. No, no, no, no. Just as in there's a fake wheel here. But somebody else is driving. Like I have like an Alfred like Butler Who's like oh Mr. Good You're such a good driver And I'm just like hammer like

Like laugh in the vast lane But I'm not really driving You're not even in the front seat Yeah Yeah Yeah that's the only I don't know I never understood the driving thing And I will say this

I am kind of full of shit Because I've never driven drunk But I've ridden drunk That is shocking to me Yeah I've never driven drunk I mean like one time Like with the next morning I've been like drunk

Like I've made it One time I drove my dad's car and I drove two houses down and I was like, I'm too drunk. So I got out of the car. The other time was the next morning I was drunk. I was working construction and I took an Adderall and pulled over the side of the road

and slept for like 30 minutes and woke up. Good, like the next day drunk. That's the only kind of done. You slept on Adderall? Well, it hadn't kicked in yet. So I waited for the Adol kick in. Then I was like, okay, I'm actually pretty sober. I drove.

Nice. But I like, no, because dude, one of my... I had like a family friend one time. He described to me how he lost friends in drunk driving accident. I was like, I'll never drive drunk. Yeah. But the amount of times I've gotten in the car with somebody who was clearly driving drunk.

Damn. Is way too many. Because I'm just like, no, no, no, you, you, you're good. Which isn't much better to be like, no, no, you take. Go for it. Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to kill somebody. You can kill somebody.

I've never driven, like, fucked up, like, where I'm like, whoa. But I've definitely driven when I'm like, I probably shouldn't do that. Yeah, I'm drunkenly. I've never drunkenly. I've buzzed boat driven. If I. That's fine. I could get home just fine, but if I got pulled over, I probably wouldn't have passed a breathalyzer.

Like that type of a thing. Yeah, I've never done that. I've never taken a breath. I'm always interested to know, you know, like, what is the number? I got put through the ringer one time. A guy, I was back home, and the cop, like, he just had nothing better to do on a Tuesday night and, like, during winter break in college. And he just followed me when I left the bar.

It sounds like he was on winter break, too. Yeah. He had nothing to do. Like, he's just on the curb, he was playing with, like, grass. He had a big scarf on. Right. So pull over.

But, no, like, he pulled me over, and he was like, hey, did you have anything to drink tonight? And I had, but, like, not a lot. And he could have me do the full field sobriety test. Like, I did heel to toe. I did, like, bring my hand to my, my finger to my nose,

follow the tip of the pen type thing. And then he took me back, and I sat in the front seat of his car and did the breathalizer test. I always thought it was, like, a kazoo. you know, like, that they like hand to you, but it was like a big thing, and then I blew into it,

and it went like, boop, and I was like, oh, well, I'm going to prison. Like, it wouldn't make noise if it was okay, right? And then he'd be like, or you think if it's bad, it would be like, the seat just opens and I fall, like, into a net. Into the center of the earth. But they, and then he even takes it one step further.

He's just like, son, do you know what the legal limit is? I was like, tell me if I'm in trouble or not. quit teasing me. Oh, they love fucking with people, dude. Yeah, yeah. And it's 0.08, like 8% blood alcohol. And I blew a 0.062.

So I was close. That is close. What's also crazy is that, like, so I have alcohol in my system, and he literally was just like, where are you going? I was like, I'm going home. He's like, I want you to get back in your car.

I want you to drive straight home. And I'm like... That's what I said, office. Yeah, that's what I was going to do in the beginning. Maybe I should give you a breath of it. Because you don't seem to be remembering what I'm telling you. also just nuts that he's just, that he was like, he, I was driving so poorly that he felt he needed

to pull me over. And then 15 minutes later, he's like, all right, get out of here. That's the thing. It's like, I'm just a bad driver. Sure. I, it's hard for me to, like, stay straight in the, like, because it's, like, really, like, touchy, you know, and I try to go one hand. You drive, like, somebody in a 50s movie where they're like, yeah. And, like, if I see a turn, I, I, like, step on the brakes. I'm, like, not good at driving. Yeah. So, like, if I get pulled over, like it's I kind of like want to bait them into giving me the test because I haven't had a drink in a while so like well you can also um because there are some people that like just have balance issues and like and like that you can't pull you over you can like request a breathalyzer yeah be like hey I can't walk in a fucking thing give me I'll take a breathalyzer yeah I'll just be like well you're just so sexy yeah my balance my friend Colin who is who is who used to drink way more than I did he was just like hey if you ever get pulled over and like they tell you to take you to take a breathalyzer, you can refuse until you get back to the precinct. I'm like,

I don't want to go to the precinct, man. I'm like, what do you? That's the opposite. I don't want to get booked. There's all these weird tricks. There's a fun one where like, someone told me there's this thing where you... I think I told you one of them. What is it? You throw your keys. My friend who went to Cortland, Sunni Cortland, which is like, you basically

will get a degree in booze. Yeah. I guess they had this assembly where they told the people they're like, if you're driving drunk, like, you should have a bottle of alcohol in your car. And like if you, when they pull you over, you turn your car completely off, throw your keys into the trunk and chug the bottle of liquor and have the cops see you drinking the

liquor when he gets to the window because then I guess you can just claim that like you just started drinking like that second. Whoa. And like it doesn't really affect your, I guess it's like hard to prove. I don't understand the throwing your keys into the back. Yeah, but until like 10 minutes later when the cop is gone and you're in the middle of nowhere fucked up beyond belief. Well, you drink an open container and like a drinking in public or whatever it is.

So they'd probably still arrest you, but I think it's less than a drunk driving. I mean, I am one of those people. Drunk driving should be such a crime. It's so... Yeah. It used to be in some countries it's punishable by death. Yeah, I don't know about that. I'm kind of

maybe not that uncool I think it's just where those things that's like I don't know you really should not

fucking do it but it's tricky because breathalizers are not accurate because everybody has it does not take in tolerance

so it's really just how much alcohol right it would suck if you blew if you blew into a breathalizer

and it was just like pee you wait a minute yeah yeah no I don't know about the death penalty. I don't know. It's people love doing that. I know you weren't doing that.

People love just being like, yeah, you know, if you're, if you're mean to your mom and Japan, it's the death penalty. You're like, is that what you want to, you want me to die, mom? Is that what you're saying? No, just in Japan. Yeah. That's always the thing where people are like, look, if you fucking, if you sell drugs in Indonesia, they shoot you in the face. I was in an argument, not an argument, a heated discussion with one of my aunts one time at Thanksgiving about politics. What was interesting a heated discussion in an argument? That sounds like the same thing. I don't know.

What the fuck was there? Just change in terminology. I'm more of having a good time type of guy. Okay, okay. But we were talking about the border, and I was just like, she said, I think if anybody comes over that border illegally, we should shoot them. And I was like, really? That's like, okay, that doesn't sound like a good idea.

And she's like, that's what they do in China. I'm like, you want to be like China? Yeah. I love people that are so American that they're Chinese. They're like, yeah, yeah. That's kind of, Trump was kind of doing that with the, like, he's like, yeah, we, in China, they murder the drug dealers. I was like, that's a great idea.

We should do that? I was like, why should we be anything like that? Right. Yeah. In China, too, you have to like climb up big wall. Yeah. Does that thing go all the way around China? No, it's just, I believe, it's just the northern border.

It was originally designed to stop out, stop the, the Mongols and like the northern Raiders and stuff. That's cool that they did that. Yeah. It's, I want to go. It's like beautiful. Yeah. That's the thing that like we're kind of.

It's a beautiful. And we just station old Chinese guys. Or not to come inside. Yeah, you build the wall and it's like, yeah, but we're going to put a bunch of biggie murals on it. Like it's going to be just fine. It's always the southern borders that are given problems. Yeah.

I don't know. I'm like, once again. starting a sentence not knowing where it's good. I think something happened to me recently. We wouldn't even have to put a wall on Canada side. Like Canada side, you just put like a piece of tape that says like, please do not enter. They're like, okay. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have even looked. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. The thing is like the whole Chinese thing, it's like, oh, they're this, this, this, and that. But it's like, I'll take rock and roll. I will have a, you legalize the drug stuff. It's like, look, we would not have all this without.

Yeah. I will take a name. I'll take rock and roll over walk and sushi wall. Hello, folks. Walking volcano wall. Also, there should be better music coming out of fentanyl, right? Shouldn't this be a thing? Because heroin creates good music normally, right?

Yeah. Or do people who just do heroin normally have passion? I feel like they're not writing, people aren't writing music on heroin. They write a dope-ass song, and then they shoot up, and then they wake up, and then they write another song. Okay. You know. Now, I feel like acid. I feel like, like, the doors are like the stones were like writing.

Like, they were on acid. Or like the Beatles, like yellow submarine stuff. Like that is like a psychedelic experience. Yeah. Mushrooms and acid you can kind of be like productive on. Yeah. But heroin. Like I don't even think you could push like record.

Yeah. Your arm is bound with. Yeah. Spoons. You heard this new song by The Stones. It's called M. That would be the heroin song. The stationary stones.

It's probably gotta suck too. Imagine you get cleaned from heroin for like years and you find out they have even cooler, cheaper heroin. You're like, God damn, I could have been doing fentanyl. You're fucking serious.

I would be so bummed. I'd be like, okay. Yeah, I think fentanyl is too good to like be productive on. Yeah, yeah. It's really effective.

You just hear your own music. Like the music's in your head. You're like, this is. I don't want to have it skate by how that was, The stationary stones. That did not get enough. That was fucking hilarious.

Oh, because they're not rolling. Yes. Yeah, dude. I wonder how many great jokes I've had that Michael's completely missed. I have dementia. I think I have Alzheimer's, dude. It's bad. You know what it is too?

I've had a cough, so I've been taking, like, a lot of cough medicine. And I think, I don't think NyQuil this often is good for your brain. What is robitussin? It's Dexter Methorphine. which is a cough suppressant, but enough of it gets you fucking... So you said that sentence and also the sentence of

I've never driven drunk. To me, those things do not go together. Like, oh, I know the exact pH level of every sort of substance. Yeah, doing that is probably the same amount of danger as driving drugs. Just doing too much... Yeah, we used to fucking do so...

Yeah, we would take a bunch of them. So what is it... I've missed the last part of your sentence because I was thinking of what I was going to say. Yeah. So what is... propitussin do? Like if you take enough of it, it fucks you up, but how? So there's like

a couple, it's really hard because anything that relaxes your lungs is most likely a drug, like a psychoactive drug, because it's relaxing your lungs. So they invented coding initially, and I think in the 60s they invented DXM, which is supposed to be like a non-addictive cough suppressant. But what it also does is get you

fucked up. So it's in the same category of drugs as ketamine and angel dust and whippets. So they're called disassociatives because there's like there's hallucinogens that are psychedelics or you see everything that's and there's disassociatives which just make you like retarded and disoriented.

So like... Is it one of those where you have to like take it and then like fight it and stay up? Not really. There's something else in NyQuil.

So NyQuil has a sleep thing and a cough thing. Gotcha. So if you just take a bunch of DayQuil you will get high. Oh, sick. Yeah, yeah.

And but you'll get really itchy because there's lots of fucking when I first started comedy, like I didn't have anything to write about because I've had like a boring life. Yeah.

So I decided, like this was like a month into comedy. I went to this girl's birthday party and I did like a bunch of NyQuil before. And I was like, this will give me a story to talk about on stage. And like it was the most, it was like her and her like direct family. And then like me and my friend and I'm just like falling asleep. I'm like, this was a terrible idea. Yeah, because it has the thing in it that makes you go to sleep too. Yeah, yeah.

So I'm just like tired. I was just tired. Damn. Yeah. I've never done any of that. I used to try to do that to try to make something, like make a bit, you know? Yeah. Come to life.

It doesn't work. No, you got to kind of just do things. Be like, oh, this could be fun. Like, you're like, I'll go to the zoo or like a thing because it would be fun. But I'm not like, I used to be like, this will be a bit. And then I'm like, but I do have certain friends. Like, I have a friend who's a lawyer. And every time I hang out with him, I come up with like, like, I'm just creative.

Yeah. So I'm like, it's really like a good, because like part of you is like, oh, I should be hanging out of a comic club doing this, but I'm like, oh, you try to hit a fart? I think I did. That might have picked up. You ripped too, I think. I got a quiet one, and then I got a little bit more. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nice. I felt that one came out of my leg. Are you trying to overshadow me on my own podcast by farting right? You think you can fart as loud as I can into my microphones? Probably not. I just go over here and I just like, shit my pants. It's just immediately. And smear it into the mic.

Hand it back. I'm not doing this in the podcast because I think I did this on the last one and they just catches the fart and then you bring it towards Yeah, mine doesn't smell bad. Mine, we're not doing this anymore. It's like I attached a Brita filter onto my ass. You know what?

I'm going to create a device where I could fart in the microphone and push it into y'all's microphones and it just goes out like that. If you piss directly into a Brita filter, will it make it drinkable? I don't think so. Okay, so it's got to be decent water. Oh, piss is drinkable.

Don't listen to the fucking media, do. I have one of those life-stor- Oh, hell yeah. You can put that in a pile of, like, baby vomit and, like, clean water out of it. It's pretty impressive. It's called a life straw?

Yeah. We took them on a, when we went on a mission trip to Guatemala, we took a bunch of them. What's Guatemala like? Is it Guatemalan? I thought you're going to ask, what is Guatemala.

That's what I thought to. I was like, it's a small country in Latin America. Yeah, I really got to push out this cough medicine information and start getting in other shit. Yeah. I had the same thing happened to the bar the other day.

I was like, catamine, blah, blah, blah, I turned to say. I'm like drug nerd and they're like, that's really intelligent, but then like I have no idea what anything is outside. Like healthcare, I'm like, fucking... You don't like wear enough rugs

to be like a drug guy, you know? No, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know how those drug guys? It was the eighth grade I was a drug guy. And then I became an adult. The information didn't fall out of my head. That's incredible. Yeah. You have a good memory, though. For certain things, I can't remember I was thinking of two seconds ago,

but I can remember... Yeah, but you gave me like literally like the fucking periodic chart of what was in robitussin. You were like, here is the fucking NH6, C4. Yeah, yeah. That's wild. Guatemala, though. Nice, but very, I mean, it's pretty poor. But they, like, you have to carry your backpack.

They advise you to, like, carry your backpack on the front, because if not, like, somebody will come up from behind it and, like, cut the bottom of it open and, like, take stuff on it. Just like a pinata that, so cool. Yeah. I thought you would carry it on your front so you could wear a shirt over it, and you were fat, so everyone thought you were of,

like, high, like a king. High-pastin. You're, like, pulling food out of your stomach. They're like, God, they're so advanced.

It's crazy. But, yeah, it was, you got, we got a lot of, we got a lot of super, it's stuff is so cheap. It's crazy,

like how far, like, a dollar goes, like, comparatively. Oh, sure, yeah.

Bananas. Literally 12 bananas. Yeah. For, like, 30, cents or whatever. But we also, like, you got a bunch of, like, free, not free, but like knock off soccer

jerseys and stuff. It's also interesting how prevalent and just expected, like, barter, not bartering, but like, haggling is for stuff. Like, you can't go walk into Dick's sporting goods and be like, give me this mitt, I'll give you a 15 bucks when it's 20, you know? But down there,

especially because they tell, they can see that you're American. They're like, oh, this guy's got money. I don't want him. So they'll start, like, higher and you're like, no, I'm good. And then you'll start walking away and they're like, oh, no, no, no, and they'll come back. And it's interesting. I love this because you're supposed to go on a mission trip to, like, give money and fund

other countries. He's like, bro, you get such good, you could fucking haggle your way to tire. You can haggle these fucking retards. Dumb, dumb. Yeah. But, uh... That would be cool to go to a dix, though, and haggle. Like, just going to one of those, like, generic, like a Panera bread.

You know? Uh, no. That's not, no. No, I'm not feeling. on that. I wish we had. You can kind to do that at the bodegas, I feel like. Yeah, I've seen so many people do it. Yeah. They're like, yeah, now. Especially with like sandwiches that they'll make you. Yeah. That is, yeah,

that's not easy, but like, yeah, if they already made the sandwich. Yeah. And they're like, that's $5. Be like, I'll give you a $4.50. Yeah. We're not going to throw the sandwich. The worst of the lottery people, that fucking, I'm just in line for something. I'm trying to get in out. Oh, yeah. And they're like, this one's like, give me the blue

and the red and the green. You have the purple one. And then here is it... No, not the purple and the red one. I'm like, you think that's just going to make you win

is just your gut feelings. Yeah. It's crazy. Like, I am financially irresponsible. I'm one of the least financially responsible to but I'm like,

it is so wild how, like, you can just tell by somebody's dressed that they're not... I'm like, I know you're not a rich person just having fun. I'm like, yeah. It's always poor people just doing

so many scratch-offs. Yeah. And then they hand like a garbage bag full of like things and they're like, can you run all these? Yeah. And they're like, yeah, it's $12.

dollars. Yeah, it'll be four hours and everybody's behind you. You're like, please. There needs to be a separate line for that. Yeah. That's not going to happen, but. Scratchoffs and fucking lotto tickets. I think Pete Holmes had a bit where he's talking about people in casinos, like it's one of the few places where the extremes of society are like right next to each other.

He's like, you walk in and you see like a guy dressed to the nines with a woman on each arm and you're like, oh, you should be here. And then you see a guy with one shoe in an open wound on his face at the sloth. lot machine. You're like, oh, you should be here too. Yeah, yeah.

That makes sense. That's very funny. Yeah. Yeah, I've never been a big gambler. I don't know. I've never had the money. Yeah, yeah. I don't...

All my friends are into fucking betting, dude. Yeah, all my friends are obsessed with it. It's so annoying. I fucking can't stand it. And then they get mad at me for vaping. Yeah. They're like, why do you vape? I'm like, why do you bet the over on Notre Dame?

Yeah. What are you talking? Yeah. We're both doing things that are... Maybe we can become rich by proxy. If everybody gambles their money away, we might be the richest people in his neighborhood. Like, one of our friends, Franklin, he's a huge, like, he's a big sports gambler. Yeah.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm sure it's kind of fun. But then I'm asking, I'm like, how's it going? He's like, oh, I'm up on the year. And I'm like, how much? It's probably, it's like 500 bucks. I'm like, is this is worth it for you to like be stressed out every day? It's so much time. Did you imagine Franklin Miller if, like, he got into like really bad gambling debt?

He has been. They sent like a shark after him. Yeah. I would pay so easily. Oh, hey, hi. Oh, no, I'm going to get you your money. I'm going to get your... She's got to go on TikTok live, real quick, real quick.

Yeah, that's terrifying. I mean, how does it work? I mean, I assume the website, though, they don't send a guy from, like, bet DSI. There's no way Draft Kings has a crew that comes to relax. That is interesting, because I don't know how they would do that. because there's no way that those because at least when it was in a casino

or when you were using a bookie there was accountability because like you're in a building or there's a guy who knows where the fuck you live and work and he'll come take your business from you. I think all of the online stuff is like you have to have the money up front like in the thing

in the account. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you have the case I use credit could you imagine if you could use credit on those. You know what you can do with credit cards if you max out your credit card. Somebody's telling me this you can go to a debtor's anonymous meeting and you get like a doctor's note basically that I have like a debt problem and they can like cut your

credit card bill in half you'll never be able to like own a home rate your credit it fucks up your credit even more but you can agree to like just not paying back the whole thing wow yeah damn that sounds isn't well is that just like a half step towards bankruptcy I guess so I don't know I only

like I only got a credit card like a year ago yeah like so I'm kind of like I didn't have one I'm so happy I didn't fucking like I don't know I remember, I knew somebody that just had fucking such bad credit card dead. And it's like always, I mean, I don't know. I think you're telling me...

Yeah, we've got decent... We got some credit card debt, for sure. I got some debt. Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking, like, what am I going to do when I retire? Like, all, like, there's so many people. Like, what are we going to do? Oh, yeah. I think I might just like find a little spot in the woods.

Yeah, dude. Sometimes when you think about the future, it sucks. It really... Oh, you guys have such a different idea. I don't know. I'm Florida. retiring, dude. I'm just going to get so drunk all the time. There's such a vision of me. So you have like... Oh, I have no problem with the idea of retirement. I'm saying like, I don't have

I'm not going to have enough money if this financial situation continues. What are I going to do with my time? Oh, no. I'm like, yeah, where is the money going to come from? It's not coming in now. Not right now. There's something about like a Florida bar though. I think when you get old enough in Florida, they just let you.

At a bar. they just telling you Florida you become an old guy they give you like one of those Tommy Bahama shirts and they're like But what if there's like 25 million old people that are all looking for They just DeSantis lets it go

He just goes you're gonna You can be a drunk guy at this bar Nobody's gonna like you but like you But like where do you live? Like where do you like live? Where do you go to stuff? It's like a shitty house But like how do you even get that?

I don't know I was gonna say a shitty house It's still like a hundred thousand dollars I would love a shitty house I don't think I'm ever going to own a house. Yeah. Like we're Sam and I... You say that there are places in Florida where like

there's bum fuck parts of Florida. Like you're looking at like downtown St. Pete or like, not down that but like South St. like there are places in Florida they're like fucking nothing to live in. But even even $50,000 which is unfindable. Well you would also, you're not also like you're not paying it like in a lump sum.

No, you're paying it like you put like 20% down and then you have... But even that. Even that's what I'm saying. You're actually like trailer parks don't exist. You live in. You don't own. a house. You live in a trailer park. You go, I'm

describing the worst life ever. Like, this is how you retire. Yeah, but it's like, then it's just like renting. I feel like I'm just going to be renting essentially for the rest of my life. Yeah. And it's like, I guess that's fine, but I don't really want to own a house. I don't mean like, it would be a cool thing

but like I'm not like, oh, I want to own like the owning versus renting. Like if I had like millions of dollars, the idea of owning a house doesn't sound that much cool to me than renting an apartment in Manhattan. It's like sick. Well, you, if you had a millions of dollars you would own a property so that you could flip it or like

it's an investment type of thing. Dave Grohl once said you're ready for this? I'm going to have a secret wife and child. No, no, no, we're on the rocks. He once said I could never afford

symbols until we made enough money that I didn't even have to pay for. Interesting. He got, he would be given his symbols at a certain point. Sure. and famous enough.

Yeah. So that means there's no point in the middle where you're making enough for the big things that you want. Yeah. You either have it all or you got enough. I think Segura said that he was, he still had like a part-time job

when his first Netflix special came out. Yeah. And it's like fucking hell, man. Like that's crazy. Pornography, man. We gotta get started on it. Pornography? Dude.

Yeah. I saw some bitch on there. fucking made $43 million last year on OnlyFans. That's impressive. Do you think there's a market in like pornography movies that are like an actual movie

with like hardcore sex scenes like once in a while? Well that's kind of how it like used to be in a way. Like there was dialogue and shit. Yeah, it used to be like a night. Like a real story because I'm always missing the story. The stepmom is always way too keen of getting that stepson's dick out of his band.

You're describing women's smut books. That's what that is. Yeah, visualized. Yeah. Yeah. It's really weird that that is so accepted. But if I was like, I write porn, people would be like, that is. Oh, yeah, dude.

This is the same thing. Yeah. And they, dude, they'll fucking read them on. They'll read those in public. Like, if I had a book like that, I would be, it would be in a safe, like, under my bed. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you're a sex criminal.

I would hide that in the cover of mind comp. Yeah. On the subway. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is wild. I don't know. I think there's also, like, it's weird because a lot of people freak out about the only fans think

because they're like, these people that make a lot of money for one time period, and then they're kind of like, they kind of age out. Of course. Part of porn is, unless you're like a Lisa Ann where you get into like the mill stuff. You got to, it's great when you're like 19 to like 24.

And then it's great if you're like 44, 40 to like 60. Yeah, yeah. But you get like, like, you're like a 34-year-old porn star. That's a tough. Yeah, I'm like, that's just a beautiful lady. Yeah, yeah. What am I supposed to do with that? Yeah, I've always thought, like, imagine making like a fucking gang bang,

Bukaki video, and then, like, you post it and it gets like a hundred views. Yeah. You're just like, oh. That's so much coming. That sucks, dude. It was more than 100 guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they didn't even like the video. There's more people watching the video live.

Yeah. Yeah, dude, that's ass. Yeah. So you just got to be fine. You just got to have a good idea of how to use your money. Or does, you know what? I have noticed this. I have like an extreme optimism.

And when you have that, no matter how, like, negative things could possibly get, you're like, there's something good around the corner. And you could just do that until you die. Everybody acts like reality has to set in. You could be delusional until you have the second you cough up blood, and they're like, that's it. Wow, yeah.

Yeah. Like, literally, you could be, I don't know, maybe I won't be that optimistic if I'm a homeless guy, but I'm like, I think I can turn around. I think somebody's going to give me a million dollars. Maybe tomorrow. You're just hanging out at a bar in Florida. You're like, any second.

Take me right. But then I die and I'm like, I've died with lots of optimism. People are really shitty about optimism where they're like, oh, yeah, like you're fucking retarded if you're going to be a positive thinker. I'm like, yeah, but it's just nice to think positively too. Sure. But also, if you were like a homeless man and then you were just like talking about conspiracies and lizard people and people like, hey, that guy's crazy.

I'm like, no, he was talking about that 20 years ago. Like he is He's always been like that, dude. That is not a... Now just the smell has caught up. Yeah. Yeah, I'm like, uh... It's really funny that I'm still, like, not that into this killer thing.

The CEO assassination. Oh, yeah. I do stand by. I don't know if he was like a trained guy. I don't know. Dude. So I guess he was like, like, an Ivy League. He was like valedictorian.

By the way, I listened to his speech. Oh, my God, dude. It sucks. I forget how this works. The Val of Victorians is the biggest fucking nerd in the school. Yeah. And it is just the worst speech.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a high schooler. I know. They're not fun. But I'm like, you assume the guy who assassinated the powerful guys and he's like, and he's like, the world will be us one day. Yeah. I thought it'd be some sick.

Also, his name is Luigi. Yeah. Like, when is a Luigi ever done anything that heinous before? Yeah. Well, it was so funny too because he like, the thing is. It's just the typical... This is how commencement speeches always go. We...

Dda, da, da, da, da, da, and just the same cadence all the time. He's like, it feels like just yesterday we were playing computer games. And I'm like, this is, I don't know. Yeah, it's a boring speech, but it's still impressive, like, how... I guess they said, like, once he had his back injury, because that's what it was.

That's what drove him a little crazy. He, like, went nuts, and then, yeah, was, like, trying to get money or whatever, and they weren't given him any. But the thing that, like, makes me... me suspicious is that when they caught him, he had the gun on him. He had the gun on him, which is like, no. Why would

you ever still have that on? Okay, I do think that guy wanted to get caught. You think so? I guess he would have shown his face maybe. He wouldn't have ran away, though. You know what, though? Yeah, that's a good point. I don't know, it's tricky because I'm like, okay, he, there's something in him that really wants to, like, he, I think he wanted to be a symbol. He wrote stuff on the bullet. I think he wanted to be. Sure. Like, rumored. And he will be. He wanted to make. He wanted to make

a statement and to be honest he did there's a lot of people in support of him yeah everybody loves him and it's like it's one of those moments where it's like you know he might go down in history as like a very important figure like either like in a controversial way

sure but like yeah the gun on him that maybe he's on t-shirts a week from now yeah well do you think actually wait a wait a second this drop Sunday look around today there are people with his shirt do you think he was planning to do

again to another height? That's a really, probably, you do, because my thing is this, he, you know what's crazy? His YouTube channel, he was gonna put, there's a thing if they found on YouTube, where he's like, this is dropping when I get arrested. If you can read this, I'm arrested now. And there's something about the date

December 11th, which is this Wednesday, so it's already happened, whatever's gonna happen. So apparently there's like something of like, something's gonna happen again. Interesting. I wonder if he put his feet in the videos to get more views. The old morning good news. Mr. Patrick.

I do like the idea of a guy who's just like, okay, so I'm going to shoot this guy, and then I'm going to get on a bike, and I'm going to run into the park, and I'm going to be, I'm going to put on a disguise, and I'm going to ditch my backpack, and then I'm going to get on a bus

and sneak my way out of New York. Am I forgetting something? Oh, the gun! Oh, yeah! Like, dude, immediately, he'd throw it. There's no way. There's no fucking way. So you think it's a different guy?

I don't know. I'm hearing about this just now, The part you said it was really funny. He's talking about, like, try to open a city bike. Because try to scan that QR code. Think about how stressed your hands. You just murdered somebody.

And like, it's not working. You're like, oh, no. Because the people that don't live in Florida, it is a pain. Like, you will scan like three times. Sometimes it does not go. You got to, like, you got to scan it, and then you got to hit, like, the enter,

enter it manually, and then that'll do it sometimes. Yeah, sometimes you have to wait for the fat chick next to you to get done because she's like smothering your bike. somebody you know you ever walked up to a station and like there's only one electric bike left and it's like a race with between you and somebody else just get out of my way I just murdered somebody I think I need that more than you yeah the worst was docking I remember I like I would take I would do like a midnight show at the parent I'd take like something to go to sleep um and I'll be like okay well it was kicking by the time I get home and then or I'd smoke pot or something because I was like I was trying to get myself to go to sleep and but I would take it like whatever it was like 30 minutes before going home and then I just couldn't find a

dock. Now I'm just like driving around this. Because all the docks will be full and I'm like, oh, there's no place. I can't just leave this bike because it's charging me. Yeah. But you were going to say something important and powerful? Hmm. Let me channel my inner Joe Rogan. Yeah. I don't think so.

It's just strange. The whole thing is strange. They'll probably replace them with like another CEO. It's really funny too. They'll like, they'll just replace them with another CEO. Yeah. Yeah. The company's not going under. Yeah. But I'm, but I'm telling me, if I were the next CEO, I would be a little

careful. The way I'm handling my clients. They've got to also, they're also just like all hiring private fucking armies to protect themselves. You have to, whenever you have a job opening, you legally have to put it on... Dude, I saw somebody post it.

The CEO job has to be up. It was like on LinkedIn, like the next day. Oh my God, wait, wait, let me look at this. See if you can find it. CEO of United Healthcare. Yeah, because like, similar with like the school shootings, once school shootings started to like become public and stuff, like other people who were like, oh, they're getting a lot of notoriety for this. I'm going to do that. Yeah.

And if people see this, they might be like, hey, I've been fucked over. Everyone you know has been fucked over by the health care system. Yeah, absolutely. Unemployment executive jobs, United Healthcare. You should apply. That is such a hard job. You're like, well, it doesn't hurt to apply.

Just apply and just put your name as Mario, and you're like, wait a minute. Hold on. It's got to be around here. So my phone just died. No, you have to, like, there's some dumb thing where, like, you legally have to, like,

open the job up to the public, even though you know who you're going to fucking hide. Yeah, yeah. It's like the fucking, in the NFL, where they have to interview black people. What's this? There's the NFL as a rule. I can't remember what it's called.

There's some rule. It's probably not too hard to find black players on a football day. Oh, well, there's very few black head coaches. There's only, there's only, Mike Tomlin, I can't remember, whatever, but like you have to,

when there's a head coaching vacancy, you have to interview a minimum number of people, and you also have to interview, like, a minimum number of, like, minorities that are interesting. And it is, it is interesting that, like,

white men are very good at coaching. Yeah. Very good. Yeah, you think it's interesting that white guys are easy telling a group of black guys what to do? That's exactly. Yeah.

I don't know that's surprising. There is like kind of a simbiosis there. And it doesn't have to be slave related, but it's like sometimes like these young black men who have a lot of talent just need someone as like almost like a father figure. Yeah. To guide them in the right direction, to hone their strength to be that force in their life, you know? And then I guess, you know, if you want to make a comparison. Dude, yeah. It's like not, I know it's like a coach.

touchy thing. Look at the greatest, some of the greatest teams of all time. It's a bunch of black guys playing and a white guy coach. They work well. Phil Jackson was quite the taskmaster. Exactly. I think this is like anti-sleever. I'm woke.

Because you think a white guy should tell they need a white guy. I think they're good at it. They know how to inspire. Yeah. You know? Inspire. But you know what I'm saying. saying.

It's, oh my God, dude. I don't. White people, white men specifically are good at, like, running a thing. Sure. Being like, this person should do this, you should do this. Like, they're good at facilitating. They're not as good at the individual job. Well, it's also, I think, on a, not joking, but like a legit, I think it's,

the best players generally don't make the best coaches because so much of the game just comes naturally to them or they just kind of know what to do. whereas if you're kind of like a role player or like a guy that's really had to like really scrape and work a white guy. That is kind of true. Yeah, somebody who can't take off from the free-for-line. Yeah, like a shooter off the bench.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So a lot of that is, yeah, like you said, like they're not maybe getting as much playing time. They're seeing everything. Yeah, exactly. And they're like, I'm not going to succeed in this industry by outperforming someone.

I have to know where I have to be. I have to know where my teammates are going to be. Yeah, that is so funny. been so much time on the bench that you're watching the game more. Exactly. That is really fascinating. Yeah. And you know the dynamic of players and coaches and stuff.

Well, I mean, like, like Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player of all time, the worst NBA owner of all time, maybe? He's so bad. And it's like, just because you're a great player does not mean you're going to be a great coach or an executive. Yeah, I just, I do not know enough about this to get into this discussion, but I, very interesting. You sound pretty racist. by staying silent. But there's something else in this. Yeah, they're going to hire a new CEO,

but I wonder if they're, they probably, there's probably a fake CEO job now. We're like, they're like, will you be the fake CEO of this company because we cannot have the real one? Like putting,

sending out a fake motorcade when the president's in town? Yeah, yeah, there's got to be like a hologram CEO or something like that. Yeah. Maybe it's like the man behind the curtain. Yeah, yeah.

Wicked. This wasn't really, I bet you it was like, wanted. This was really like his dad that he assassinated. And then Morgan Freeman got this guy. I don't know. The guy who got murdered did not look like he fathered a son named

Luigi. No. The picture they used is really funny. It's like him grinning. Yeah. It looks like a Viagra. Yeah. His son's Braden and Tristan. You know, like not Luigi and John Marco. Yeah. That, uh... Imagine it was John Marco. Seresi.

They fucking did it. He would... I know I always bring He would be doing a penny farther. My Lexapro is too expensive. So you're the CEO of this company, right? Eating up the scene. The man was seen fleeing the scene in pirouetting on his way to the subway.

It's funny because this is just a joke for us. Look up John Marcos. I don't know. He's got like fucking 500,000 followers. Yeah, he's a big deal. It's fine. That is just so true. We know a lot of famous. that I just forget are famous people.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's, I'm not, it's, I forget, I also forget that nobody, not nearly as many people are like, if you're, if you became famous before I started comedy, you're not a famous, they're not a, but for some reason the people around me that are famous. I'm like, yeah, no, that guy's not a, yeah, well, that goes back to my thing of, like, it's just a guy. That's not famous. Yeah, that's just a guy. Exactly. Yeah. They're just people, you know, that's fucking weird. But, yeah, I don't know. I think, yeah, whoever they, I don't know. That is a good point, though, that, like, the next CEO is going to be less likely to be black. That's not what I'm saying. I thought you were going back to them.

I think the fucking, I don't know, there's something I had on this. It was really funny because I did kind of a deep dive on Luigi today because that's like, I was like, let's find something to talk about, which we, by the way, we didn't even have to bring that up to the last minute. Turns out he spends a lot of time in a haunted mansion. Yeah. So it goes.

You're just putting research on the guy. You're playing Luigi's mansion. You're like, just trying to. to get inside his mind. But he like, it was really funny. He had like a dissertation on like, how to fix the population problem.

Neither China or Japan. What's the one where dudes aren't fucking? I think Japan. Japan. Yeah, probably China a little bit too, right? Yeah, sure. But I mean,

they've got like a billion people. So they're doing fun. They had national throw your daughter into the river. Yeah. National day. More like national decade. Like that was a fucking, that was crazy.

That was crazy. It's so funny when it's like you should not criticize other cultures. You're like, sometimes they're doing some fucking ridiculous shit. You can be like, absolutely, dude. It's throwing away all the people that are, yeah, anyways. Oh, that good pussy. I was going to say that and I did not. Thank you for saying the thing that I wanted to say.

Because I literally, that was right in my mind. Luigi's ideas on population control. Yeah, he's like, it was very funny. The guy had a whole thing. He's like, banned pocket pussies in China. Like it was like. In China. Yeah, or Japan.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was just a very funny thing. It was like, it was like, this is interesting because as my libertarian views randomly just don't like this guy now. I'm like, you can't ban pussies. The guy is in jail. And he's not Chinese. It's the whole thing with like the banning porn and banning that stuff.

Is it like, do they just want like all the men to just start raping the women? Dude, I guarantee you like, I know it's not that simple, but I guarantee you porn. and has a positive effect on less rape, I would guess. For sure, it has to. Yeah, yeah. I would say maybe on that, but definitely it, I think it has a negative effect in people's ability to have meaningful relationships with women. Yes and no, because when I was in relationship, there was a part of me that I think I was less likely I would jerk off to like a, you know, a middle-aged woman. And I'd be like, oh, now I don't really have a desire to fuck middle-aged woman.

Now I want to spend time with my girlfriend. So for some people, I think you can act as a positive outlet because I was like, oh, okay, now I actually want to sex with my girlfriend because I experienced this little, like, thing. and now it's out of my system. But for other people, too, they've got to be like, oh, God, I wish my girlfriend was an 80-year-old woman. I think we're also taking some liberties

assuming that a lot of the people that are masturbating that much have girlfriends. I think that's the thing, is that it's a bunch of single men that don't know how to talk to women and then they get in like a fucking... That's got to be so hard,

you've got to learn Chinese. That's what they're not doing. You've got to get a webcam. Like, it's crazy. The technical support aspect of it. I feel bad for those guys. I wouldn't know how to talk to a Chinese woman. Yeah.

But I think, there's something I had on that. Yeah, I wonder, because like, okay, as like a horny guy, you jerk off, right? Yep. We've all been horny guys before. And you go, oh, I don't really want to go out there and have sex. So I wonder as a rapist if you go, eh, you're kind of like nutted out.

You're like, you're not never going to rape because you're a rapist. Sure. You're not a person. You see women probably is less or whatever. But I wonder if like there's like that day maybe you didn't rape because you busted it in that already. Yeah. That's probably a good idea. I mean, your honor.

This is a pretty good point. There was no porn around me. I think if we want to stop rape, we should have all of our women wear dark shrouds that cover their entire body. Yes. I think that's a pretty good. And like make them all live in my basement.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. You want to keep them safe, let me have all of them. And if they even turn the headlights on in a car, stone to die. there's a I think in uh I was doing I was on a road trip and we stopped in Louisiana and Louisiana is one of those states that they've made it so that like you have to they have to verify that you're 18 in order for you to like watch more I'm like that's a great idea because like you don't want kids to be exposed or like it'd be exploited I'm like that's a great idea but then you get

on there and you're trying to like jerk off and you're like please enter your I'm like fuck you I'm not putting in my in for me you know what I mean it's like one of those things like it's a good idea until i want to do it and then i'm like this is a stupid idea there's not interesting yeah there's not like clear solutions to anything but we're fucking over an hour so guys thank you for fucking so we need to come to none of the conclusion yeah seriously let luigi solve all of the problems it's so funny too because like i can't even i want to read the guys man up because i don't know anything about health care i'm like let me learn it through this guy's apparently it's only two pages long wow that's a pretty good cut out all the fat i bet you they're

going to like burn it or something. They're going to be like, no, you guys can't. We're going to inspire people. Yeah. Yeah. Ultimate cliffhanger. What do you want to promote? When does this come out?

Sunday. Okay. Well, I had a great show at Hopkins Farm Brewery in Maryland on Friday, and we'll have another one in January. So if you live in Maryland. Misinformation on here. That's okay. Matt Bowman comedy everywhere else, and I have my clubs in New York.

Very funny guy. also has a baby so you should support him more than you support me. Seriously. Send diapers. And support my baby's huge testicles. My parents used to send diapers to this like mother because she had a baby. And like she was very poor so she couldn't like to help out. My parents were like, we'll provide the diapers for this baby, which is like a big expense.

Yeah. And then that baby went on to having like a severe urinary disability to where it needed to wear diapers for its entire. entire life. So there was like no definitive, like, date. My parents were like a grown man diaper still? Dude, for like six years they were sending diapers over to this. And like, yeah. Maybe don't get yourself in that rabbit hole.

So maybe don't. Yeah. So be careful who you try to, you know. Get diapers too. Yeah. News from bed? News from bed. Check it out. Thank you, Michael.

Thank you guys for listening. Thank you.