Morning Good - Lil' Romeo and Juliet - Episode 148

Episode Date: January 15, 2023

Malia Simon joins the show for the first time alongside return guest, Paddy Defino. They talk about gang proms, nursing home reality TV, and the Getting Laid act.Thanks to Malia for joining the show and thanks again to Paddy for coming back on. Check out both of these comics at their links below for more from each of them.Paddy is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and reads the news from bed every day on TikTok. Malia is also on Instagram @maliasimon and co-produces a show in the East Village called Cult Comedy.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to Morning Good. Now we're starting with Patty Defino. Now we're here. And Malia Simon. Hey. This is Malia Simon's Morning Good universe debut. Yeah, yeah, a lot of people, they thought you were, the rights to you were somebody else.

Yeah, they've been clamoring. They thought what to what? They didn't think we had the rights to have you on this, but like, you know how it's like, yeah. Oh, yeah, well, I'm very honored that you had me on. Yeah, I think you're the fourth woman I've ever had this one. The viewers are taking their phones and just smashing them now. They're losing their minds. He's a cello.

Yeah. What the hell? Yeah, I like, I wonder, I would love it if everybody loves my podcast. I just picture it just being, I don't know why I picture one dude with like a ponytail. It's like the typical, like, you know the guy they just have in the movies who's like the loser? You know what I mean? Like, it's like a guy who like demands that people like pet his snake. Yeah.

Like just hold it. Just hold it for a second. Like in some random place. Like my view, it's just some guy in like Alaska who's like during the day he mines for something and then he just listens to my podcast. Yeah. I was on Danny Palmer's podcast. You know, Danny Palmer? I sort of, I think.

Ah, yeah. He's like, he's like, yeah, I have like a lot of listeners in Germany for some. Oh, really? He's like, really? Yeah, I don't know why. It would be funny if he, like, had, like, race jokes here and there and, like, Loki was just building a Nazi band-based and she had, like, no idea. Yeah.

He would have no idea that he was, like, making Nazi jokes. Do they still have like a, like a fan base there? How does it work? Do you guys know anything about Nazi Germany now? I mean, I know it's not like, they have weird rules where like you can't draw a swast. I'm like they have weird rules. You can't just draw a swastika. But it's like another very, like it's illegal in Germany to do a swastika.

But I think they still have a Nazi problem. Yeah, I'd imagine it's like even more dangerous to be a Nazi over there now than it is over here. To be a Jewish. It'd be funny. It's more dangerous to be a Nazi in Germany than being Jewish. Like here it's like everyone's like. you better cut that out right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But over there, it's probably even worse because, like, that's their legacy. They're trying to bury that legacy. Yeah. But I think it's like, if you weren't Nazi, in my mind, you left. So, like, I assume they took all their kids with them too. So it's like, the only people left

are not Nazis. I would guess, right? But then I think it's weird. I think, like, weird places, like the UK has, like, a weird Nazi problem where, like, their punk rock scene is like, look at this cool guy. And then, oh, does that guy have a swast?

You know, I think it's like that weird. It's like a fashion. fashion statement more than... I think it's like weird. Because that whole like rock rock music thing gets... So I want to be the guy who's just like, no Nazis didn't really...

They just liked the fashion of it all. Well, it's like that's the thing. I thought skinheads meant white supremacists, but apparently skinhead's just a general style of clothing. So it's like, there are people that are like... I thought it was a style of head. Yeah, it is. But I'm saying like, they're guys that'd be like,

oh, I'm a skinhead, but I'm not a Nazi. Like, they just like wearing combat boots and like... Right. But then that gets mixed in with the real. I don't know, man. I don't know about that. Like, I like everything about the Nazis and sides of review. Yeah. You've got to be a super confident person to be like that.

Oh, no, I'm a skinhead. I'm not a Nazi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of people don't realize there's a difference. I just like looking like an idiot for no reason. Yo, there's people getting tattoos that say like skinhead group and they're like, they'll know what I'm talking about. They'll know I'm not the bad ones.

I always thought a skinhead with someone who still had their foreskin. Skinhead. There it is. So you want us to cut out or you want to have a skinhead down there? Yeah, it's a weird thing with that punk rock scene. They have all kinds of weird gangs and stuff. Like, I was at this comedy festival, and there's a fight with this straight-edge group called FSU, which stands for Friends Stand United.

And they're like an anti-racist, anti-drug and alcohol, but they just fight people gang. It's very weird. Yeah. At that point, just be... Yeah, I'd rather someone be racist. I'd try to fight me in the street. Brandish a blade in the alley Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's weird, yeah. Yeah, because I wonder like how many fights they get in versus like the clant. You don't know what I wonder what the statistics are? I would suck if like they're like, they're unintentionally causing more violence

than hate groups. Yeah. They're just like getting in bar fights and like one black guy dies. So they just fight people for no reason or they fight people who are like being racist. I think they fight people

who are being racist. But I doubt they do that much of research. They probably just said, some guy karaoke says the Nward and Edwards in Paris. They should beat the shit out of them. I should have chose a different song. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know how that all works, but yeah. I don't know. I feel like Florida's got a weird thing with gangs because I always knew people who were like, they're like, that guy's in a gang. Because the Bloods and Crypt things are so weird because you could like live in a completely different state. People are like, yeah.

Like you can just start a chapter. Like in theory, I think if I did enough Google research, I could start a chapter of the Bloods. They're like my little. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, we should fucking start them. I was so confident. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, 10 Asian guys. Just start like a... The brutes. There has to be like... That can't be true though, I feel like. Well, it's like, it's like, you can like,

no, I think it is. It's like technically you're not like... I don't think Nationals recognizes you, but like technically you are like... Because it's all this stuff where it's like... You can't compete in the national blood. Because like Hardy B's a blood, but I guarantee there's a lot of people that are like,

no, we didn't initiate her. You know what I mean? Like, that's a weird, like, thing. I didn't know that. Really? Yeah, yeah. I didn't even know they had women. I don't think they do for the most part, but like she like, you know what I mean?

It's like her section of it where they're like, yeah, we'll have a woman in it. But like, I guarantee you the blood's in like L.A. It's like, no, we don't. You know how there's like the Knights of Columbus? Yeah. And then there's like the Lady Knights of Columbia. The Lady Crips. They get like more like stylish outfits.

They have like a prom. They make all their own. I'm so nervous about talking to this. bitch, man, you'll be fine. God, I just hope she needs. It's kind of beautiful. I bet you they do. Everyone deserves someone.

It is funny, because if you are, no matter what, everybody's nervous talking to girls. So like, even like the toughest guy who's like killed four people, he's like, I really hope she likes me. It's a real Lil Romeo and Julian.

Was he on, wasn't he in like the Jimmy Neutron movie? Dude, he was all over Nickelodeon. He was in that, and then he was in Maxilemonie. Kebel's big move. Did you guys watch that? Oh, that was a good one. That movie kicks ass. This guy just basically like... Malia's also 22.

She doesn't even know who the Muppets are. You don't know the Muppets are? I know the Muppets are. Okay. What they are. Who they are. Do you know when they are? They have feelings. But yeah, we were just watching. I'm going to talk about the thing we're watching.

I have feelings. He just glossed over that. I did say that and I moved on really fast. I was like, yeah, yeah, they had feelings. yeah we're just watching that thing on masculinity for the listeners that we're watching this vice thing where it's a bunch of dudes that just sit down and talk about their feelings

they did the same thing for they have like women that sit down and talk about what feminism means oh I would love to hear that they have that every day you mean an air salon they should do that they should take the most sexist guy from that group and put him with all like I would watch that

yeah like just the most sexist guy in that group just fuck around the whole in the group of like, like, that scene in Borat where he sits down with the feminists is just like the funniest thing in the world. I don't think I don't, I've never seen that. You ever see Borat? I've never seen Borat. It's super funny. Dude, that is right up your alley.

There's no, we're going to watch that soon. Right up my alley. Yeah, we'll watch that. That's so exciting. I hate, I love hearing people like, you ever talk to somebody's like never done drugs or alcohol and you're like, this is awesome. You've got a whole life. I cannot wait to ruin your life. No, people who haven't done Molly, it's like, oh.

Oh, yeah. Strap it. You're ready to love, motherfucker. It's sick. You're going to get so depressed. It's awesome. It's worth that. Yeah, dude, there's like very few movies I've seen.

I think I've seen less than 150 movies. Really? Yeah, I used to just watch Space Jam like every single day when I was a kid. Dude, I wanted to be black so bad. Oh, I did too. Yeah, yeah. Because I knew I would never make it to the NBA in this body. I thought when I was a kid out that black people would accept me just if I acted cool enough.

I'm like, they'll just take me in as well. If I learn enough about their culture, because, like, when I was a kid, I think, like, so I had a nanny from the island. It's not like a nanny, but like a babysitter. And she was named Missy and she talked like this. Wait, from the islands? I don't know, like the Virgin Islands. We know you don't know which islands. I don't think you can get away with it.

Yeah. No, we know she had like a shell necklace. But she was. Back from the motherland. Yeah. and she was like that was my first experience black people

by the way I love it like I would never say I don't see color but she told everybody she's like Michael doesn't see color and I'm like now if you can come back

into my life and start telling people that again that's a high credit that is a high credit Michael don't see color at all you're like

you're like you're the only person I know like I definitely do it's also one of because I was like a baby and she's like look at him not being racist

it's not really accomplishment but like I did look up there because I was like she was the person it wasn't like it wasn't like I was like clean up my shit bitch I was like she would like drive me to do things like I saw her as like a mother figure I was like you saying she wasn't your slave no exactly that's what I'm saying yes and I'm proud of that but the whole point what I'm saying is like that was my first experience like black people and then I grew up very white for the most part and then I had like a British black friend in like first grade. But then it was like 10 years. That's different though. Yeah.

It doesn't count. It's just a really tan white. He's like, I'm black. You're like, not over here. The problem is like... Hey, mate. What's a cockney, British guy? What are you thinking about, Michael?

Think I might go play basketball right now. Tie up my sneakers. I think. You're hearing the N-word and a cockney accent has to sound so offensive. That has to be worse than a southern accent. Like over the phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me ship. I think we got too many of them in this neighborhood. I just got to add someone to this call. Let's ease up on the act out on this one, guy. Getting a little nervous. But, yeah, and then I was just hanging out with like whites for so long. And I remember it was like,

we're going to break down my whole racial history. By the way, we're 11 minutes. in? We're doing an hour of me just talking about my... Wait until we get

to Michael's summer of Japanese. Just Falcomoto. And then I met a guy from Korea. And then I

met a guy from Spain. It really kept tabs on all this. But I remember when I was a kid, one time I came into my room,

he's like, Michael, stop, you're not, never going to be black. Like he told me one time to my face.

And I was so mortified. Yeah, I was like, I know I can't physically be it, but in soul? Because it was like, I think in eighth grade, like...

In soul! Like, grills came out when I was like in, I think like fifth grade and I wanted to do it for the talent show. And me and my friends rehearsed a whole thing. It was like me and like three white friends, we put it in like tinfoil grills and we're like, dude, we're going to kill this fifth grade talent show. Awesome. Awesome. Yeah. Yeah.

I was like, that would be awesome. I mean, there's no, I'm pretty sure the, yeah. And I was wearing, like, I got this belt that just had like Benjamin Franklin Clint's on it. Like that was like the theme of it. And then I got like, I had like a do rag or something. And my brother's just like, dude, you're not. You can't do this. My parents too. My parents are like, no, you can't do this for the talent show. Yeah, I remember the talent show was nice. There was like a, there was like a, it was like, yeah, but we couldn't, because that was like kind of way to show off,

like in my elementary school was like, you could sing a song. And they always had a thing where like, if it had a curse word, your friend would be on the volume and you'd turn it down, right? Yeah. You could get bitches from the talent show for sure. sure, dude. Even if your talent is wearing aluminum foil and acting and appropriating culture. Dude, could you imagine about, I'm kind of mad my parents, because imagine that video of me just like, smile for me dead, just like a fifth grader.

Oh, that's so funny. It would be so, that would be so good. Yeah, yeah, I'm surprised. Well, I'm not surprised. But the pole wall isn't that song who's white, so that's, we just do the Paul wall first thing. Just bob our heads. Just flex the rest of the time. I'd be like, this is good, we respect it. He kind of like flies under the radar. You know Paul Wall is at all?

No, I know what Paul Mall is. No, Paul Wall is like Houston rapper who like, he's like, I don't know, I guess he kind of, like, he has that kind of southern thing. So he kind of, you kind of get away with the black scent if you have like a southern accent because it's that kind of like riff, raff, like, you know, riffraff rapper. He is a kind of in between thing where people are like, it's like a Ralphie Mae thing. Yeah, yeah. You're like, you're so fat that you're black.

transcended skin color. Yeah. Like, if you're really small, you're Chinese, but if you're really fat, it's definitely true. Your doctor's just telling you, it's like, look, you're going to be Chinese forever. I was like, what it is? You're not getting any more black. You're going to be Chinese forever.

If you don't start exercising, you're never going to be white. I don't know what to tell you. I was so pissed when I was a kid and they told me I wouldn't grow any taller. Like, there was one day, they're like, yeah, so you're done growing? I'm like, are you serious? Isn't that the worst? Yeah. My brother told me, the worst prank my brother told me, he told me, when I was a kid, he goes, you know, your dick stops growing in the third grade.

And I was like, which is funny that God would put like grade school on that. He's like, third grade, your dick just died. And I was so fucking angry because I had a little dick at third grade. I was like, this is forever. Oh, you had a little dick in third grade? Yeah, dude, I honestly didn't know dick size even meant anything until like, maybe like after high school. A week ago. Wait, really? After high school? I still don't even know. It was like after high school. It doesn't really. I don't think it really matters, but I mean, it matters a little bit.

I mean, like, you can't be too small and you can't be too big. That's, it's like, it's like. Yeah, I have a friend with a huge cock and he says, it's like issues. Like, he's like, when I fuck girls, I have to go like one mile an hour. He's like, I can't really express myself because it's like, she's like, she's like, there's a girl who fucked him one time, came downstairs with an ice pack on her pussy. And she goes, that thing belongs in a museum. Like, it's fucking just Andy hit a joke.

Don't worry, Malaya. We'll get his number at the end. You need like a Goldie Locke's. You need a goldie Cox. Yeah, yeah. You need one that's just just right. But I feel like everybody also has a preference because like I'm on these meme pages. I love how, hold on.

I love how you and me are talking about this. Like, Malia is here. Yeah. A woman. Yeah, we're just like, we don't want to hear a women dig about. Here's what matters. Here's the exact size cock. Yeah.

I'll show you a picture. I took it earlier today. There's always like a meat. I always follow. meme pages and there's always like small dick things on there or like ah like this and I'm always like seeing who comments on it because I'm like what do people actually think about this but that's also like half a tic talk is like some guy in the street is like ladies to size matter and then there's like some girl it's like hell yeah you got a shrimp dick get out of here and then like some girl is like

no it's actually you know about your personality and then you know there's just some guy at home with a small dick just like yes it's like so excited like this the only reason you're watching that video is to be like yes yeah he's just smiling and then he looks over his shoulder at like a plaque of Best personality. Thank God my personality is so good. Got a scholarship and personality. Yeah. Yeah.

What's your opinion? I don't think it matters. I mean, like, it does like obviously a tiny bit, but like... Is it one of those things where it's like an exciting thing? Not even. I don't know. Not really even. You don't ever have like a curiosity to be like, I wonder what this guy's dick is going to look like?

It's more like I wonder how they fuck. You know what I mean? What if you could get like a video of the guy before he fucks like, like try out videos? Like you could just see like that. Like humping his pillow. Just keeps looking at the camera. Like that?

They had a part of it where you have to hump your pillow. Just go through. Yeah. That looks like good form. That guy's back is hunched. What's that? Yeah. That would be terrible if there were like reviews.

Oh yeah. Sex reviews. Oh my God. Oh my God. like horrible. I would be fucking desiccable. But all of them be emotional based. They'd be like,

this girl sucks at sex. It's like she just didn't call you back. That would be like half of it. But, uh, yeah. What were you saying? It's so funny how like, as a guy,

like you can have sex with a girl and have an orgasm and like still be like, ah, that kind of sucked. Yeah. But like if you're a girl and like you come, it's literally like the best sex of your life. Dude, my favorites,

I do this guy and, uh, he comes downstairs after, fucking a girl and he's like, dude, that sex was awesome. He goes, dude, that was sick. And we're like, yeah, cool. He goes away. And the girl is squawks down and she goes, that was the worst sex I've had in my

whole entire life. And then he comes back walking you said the sex was bad. He's like, dude, I came in like three seconds. It was awesome. I love his mindset. He's like, yeah, I don't care. That really is like the best sex for a man. If you're just like, oh, no. But that's great though. Like, that's such

a compliment. Yeah, it is. It is like a very strong compliment. Yeah. He fucked this one girl, too. This is the funniest story. So we, uh, he had sex with this girl. And the whole, he was smiling and we go in the room. It's like after she left.

And the whole room smells so disgusting. It smelled like somebody farted in a vagina. And then I went and threw up. And he's just grinning the whole time. You actually, you threw up, yeah. The whole room smelled like somebody. It was terrible. And I threw up twice.

I walked by it one time and I threw up and walked by the other way and threw up. It was like the whole. In the second year, we had to waft out the apartment. I'm not even kidding. That's so funny that you actually threw up. Yes. It was like it was a beach condo. I was like,

you gotta open the windows. It's like extreme to throw up. You know what I mean? I'm telling you this smell. I was like, were you guys like shitting on each other in there? Because this is the most, somebody could birth in this room.

It was the most. Oh, God. Can you tell them? You can just take out his name? Oh. Wait, we'll have a beep in. 1857. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think he really care, but he was telling us a story about, how he was like hooking up this would be so much funnier if I could just do his voice yeah we'll weave the name okay he's like gonna watch this he's like yeah

I was at the bar and I was talking to this girl and we were like really hating it off and so we end up going back to her place and she's got like a really nice bedroom but she had a roommate who slept in the same room as her so he's like so I'm laying in the bed with her

and I keep trying to kiss her and she's not letting me kiss her back Like she's just not like, she just keeps saying no and no and I keep like trying and she's not let me do it. And eventually she just started to push my head down. And he said he started to like go down like under the covers because there's like someone else in the room. She's pushing the girl. She's pushing him down. Oh like suck my pussy bitch.

Exactly. So he starts like inching down under the covers. But he realizes that. the covers of the bed are like tucked under. Do you know like in a hotel and they're like trapped into covers? So he gets down to the bottom. And he's like a pretty big guy.

So he's just like a cocoon like like dangling over the edge of the bed because the like the weight of him at the end of the bed is like keeping the covers. So he's like his ass. Like held in like a little pouch. His ass is like hanging over. And he says he's just like eating your pussy. It's like fogging up.

So all you see, if like you're her way, you just see like this lady laying in a bed like this and there's just like a mass like at the end of the bed. Just like an alien, like a turtle basically eating her pussy. Yeah, like the thorax on an ant or whatever. Yeah. Oh God, so funny. One of the funniest things.

Seriously. I thought you were just going to say, it sounded like you were just going to say your friend raped somebody. She kept saying no. It was sounding like that for a couple seconds there. I was realizing. Did you, what's his story with this cop who, like, fucked all the dude cops?

That's like the big news right now. He fucked all the dude cop. There's like one female cop, but you fucked like five. Oh, yeah. And her husband is like sticking by her side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what do you mean? So there's this one cop.

Where? In like bum fuck. But it's just making all. It's making it. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. And she fucked like five other police officers. Wow.

And then, uh, like her like, she's getting fired. Everybody's getting fired, which is like, I don't know. That's, are, are they not allowed to fuck? No, because they're in the same workplace. But it's like, it's like, dude, I am tired because the same thing. You know, he's like, it would be funny. They're like, because they're fucking on the job.

And they're like, what's really happening? They're like, there's blood everywhere help. They're like, turning it down. They're like, just shoot a black teenager. Just are fucking on the spot. Well, she fucked two. Wait, what would that have? I love watching Malia's face.

I was going to say, oh, wait, I'm confused. You said they shot a black teen, I'm confused. Yeah, that was just a hypothetical. While they're having sex? No, then fucked. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Out of celebration. The sex isn't the problem at that point.

You were saying something now? It's the same thing. You think we got clear on the logistics of that. I just wanted to clear up. When did they shoot the black teenagers? I'm always just like, let me... I'm always trying to riff on it. So I'm like, what was that?

Oh, no, this dies here. But it's the same thing with that Good Morning America couple. It was like the... T.J. Holmes and Amy Robach or whatever. Like, they were both hosts on Good Morning America, and they started having, like, an affair behind the scenes. And it got found out. And they both just fled Good Morning America.

And now they're on, like, all these vacations and, like, having this extremely romantic. and everyone is trying to shit on them and I'm like, that's amazing. Oh my God, don't tell me you wouldn't fucking do that. Exactly. Like, that's like what... Like, I don't understand why everyone has such a problem.

It's like, it's what we all want. Dude, yeah. It's funny too, because like, it's like the friendliest. Like, how's it going? So that girl, like, went from getting her ass eaten to like playing with puppies and she's like, how's it going, folks? Just thinking about it.

She's like, that guy that's out of it. Yeah, they would, I guess like, they would always, like, arrive together and people were like, that's weird. Like, you guys just always are on. It's also funny to be surprised that two, like, incredibly hot people are fucking. I know. Who are literally spending every morning on television, like laughing and like having a good

time. Like, do you think that? Wow, that must have been so hot for them. Oh my God. Oh my God. I love, I love them. Like I follow, because they're like, here they are kissing on the pier of this. Are people seriously mad about that? Yeah, they're mad about it.

I'm like, you guys are fucking gay. This is awesome. Yeah, yeah. Because if you end up like leaving, that's always the funny thing too is like people, they get so mad people leave their partner. And I'm like, dude, if they're not enjoying, you know what I mean? It's like, yeah, of course it's shitty to cheat on somebody. But also, like, you're going to be happy.

If you're not happy, like, I think there's such a weird thing where people are like, they want people to be so unhappy in a relationship. Just because, like, they have kids together. But I'm like, I don't know what I mean? Like, if my parents broke up, it would have sucked. But I'm like, I don't want my parents to, like, not love each other to be together. It's like the Woody Allen thing. Like, everyone's mad at him.

He's in love. For what? Just take a whole head. You're like, I don't even see it. Kevin Spacey loved those boys. I don't even see the problem. Yeah, did we ever ask the boys that they found? That is so funny.

He gets molested. He's like, did it feel good? He's just smoking a cigarette. He was like, that was the best time of my life. You read a shot. Oh, I knew a guy who was one of the guys that Kevin Spacey tried to fuck. Really? Yeah.

He's like a musician and he's like, I don't know what to say his name. But like, yeah, you definitely don't say. I don't say his name. Yeah, no, like, he had this crazy story where he was, like, at Kevin Spacey's house. And it was, like, he was doing, like, the Kevin Spacey thing. So he's probably, like, doing Coke and stuff and partying? I think something like that. I picture it a great time.

It's always got to be great until you find out why you're there. Oh, it's those they want to fuck me. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. You're like, I'm the luckiest guy in the, oh, shit. Kids at Michael Jackson's house. This is awesome. I wonder if Kevin Spacey, like, what?

While he was like talking to the kid, he would just turn to the camera and be like, I'm gonna fuck this guy. This is a fool. He's like trying to come back, right? He's like done movies, which is insane. It's kind of insane that he's not in prison, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What happened with that? Like, I don't think anything happened. I think they're like, you can't do that. Kevin. Knock it off. Come on. Just like Marty's dad.

I used to have a bit about that Marty's dad at the end of the future. Put it down. Put it down. Get your act together, Kevin. Yeah. This is getting serious. It's like Marty's dad at the end of back to the future where it's like, Biff tried to rape your wife and he's just like, now Biff, I said two coats of wax on that car, Biff, you goof.

You goof. It's like that guy really held your wife down in the 50s and tried to assault her. And then he's like, that was just first base in the 50s. I wonder how much that was really going on the hitting women and stuff in the 50s, because all the memes are like it's happening out of the cool. I think a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't you think? Yeah. I would guess so, yeah. I bet every

one of our grandmas has been at least once. Oh, yeah. My grandpa beat the shit out of my grandma. Were they still together? Are they still together? She's dead, but they were for a long time. He would drive to her house where she's remarried.

How are you doing? Bill. I'm just getting it in, quick. Oh no, go ahead, man. Go ahead, man. Do you think. You see the game on Thursday? I picture, like, a guy, I don't know why I picture, like, them in, like, an old person home where, like, he's got, like, the oxygen tank.

He's rolling over an IV. Yeah, yeah. And she's like, he's it. Oh, no. Just slowly putting down her crochet. Oh, man. And he's. Still hitting her at like the slowest mile an hour.

At this point it's just like a... He's like winding up on his way. The nurse is like, Bill, you haven't taken your medication yet. What do we say? You can't hit women until you've had your antibiotics. I heard the... No, no, no. Okay.

I heard the craziest thing. It was like my buddy was saying that his grandma was in like a nursing home. And he went to a visitor and she comes up to them and she sees a man. talking to his wife and the grandma goes, that guy over there, he's about to divorce his wife so that we can be together. And they're all like 96. Yeah, dude. Did you imagine? She's like, he's like, hey, listen, better snatch over there. There should be like a, like a real housewife's kind of show. Dude, I would love it. You got to let them get wild. Yeah. I think they do. No, they do.

You got to believe that there's drama like that. Oh, for sure. There should be like a documentary, like a show following. the drama inside of a nursing home. That would be so much fun. It'd be fucking sick. Yeah, I would love the ones. And then at the end of the season, Mario Cuomo comes in and just kills some fun.

Oh, you mean Andrew Cuomo? Andrew Cuomo. Whatever one bridge guy. No, bridge guy's Mario, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's funny that they like, they're just out of everything now, right? Because they were like, uh...

Yeah. Yeah, I haven't, well, I haven't heard anything. So they might just still be doing... I'm sure they're doing fine, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure that he's not. still giving COVID to old people. He's probably not.

Yeah. I don't know. I barely remember what happened. It was like he was moving COVID patients into old people homes or something like that. Yeah. Literally like the one thing you're not supposed to do with a COVID patient. It would be like better to just shoot them in the head than to move them into like an old person home. Yeah.

Have them cough in an old person's mouth. Why don't we have them administer medicine to the old people too? Oh my God. I'm fucking terrible. I keep hearing news about more COVID stuff. Can we just, like, can we just be over this now? There's a little part of me that wants it. Because I do want to.

Another pandemic or another lockdown. Yeah, I love, not locked down. I want New York to be locked down, so none of the comedians can perform here. But I stay with my family in Florida for a year and do shows. I can get better than everyone. But I only have to do comedy like twice a week there because nobody else is doing it at all. So like twice a week is grinding because nobody's doing comedy. And then I'm the best comic, but I still suck because I'm not doing it that often.

So like, it goes back to like the 1920s. You'd be like, hey, look at this, and these broads, and people were like, that's great company. Yeah, we're not enough of it. Wouldn't it be great if, like, every night for like three weeks in the tiny cupboard, they just lock all the doors and just gas. And it just eliminates like five percent of the comedians. It is sad that, like, when people quit, I get so excited, even really funny people. It's like, it's so fucked up how like. It's better when it's funny people because it's like, wow, now I'm not competing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I know so many people have quit. They're genuinely good at comedy. If a white guy quits, I just jizz. It's like a spot for me opened up. It's just so competitive. But, like, I wouldn't actually want to COVID, but I liked the reset of it all.

Like, dude, I had an amazing time. I got so fucked up over the pandemic. Yeah. Like, I, dude, there was the time me and my friend just took Xanax and got drunk and went paddleboarding. And I'm like, doesn't matter. The world is shutting down. For sure.

There's nothing like being, like, out of your mind on drugs. and just being in a body of water. Yeah. It feels so good. I've never done that. Really? Where are you from? California.

There's water there. What part? No, but I've never been on drugs in the middle of a body of water. Oh, that's sick. We used to take out, we used to get into my buddy's pool and do whippets and just like black out and like a pool and just be like floating and like you'd have to make sure you're not drowning. You have a guy there to like flip you over like lifeguard. The best is like a lake or like a creek, I feel like. Oh yeah, because it's a little more low key.

It's like big enough where you can go and explore and stuff and be like, whoa. Yeah. But like you can see land at all times. Like if you're in the ocean, I don't think you want to be on like perks. Yeah. You're just like basically. Notting up. You're just basically bait that hasn't fallen into the water yet.

Yeah. That's the best. I like, do you ever think about like your paradise? I have like like when you think about like if I make millions of dollars in comedy, I have two visions. The first one I've said before. but it's me at a cheesecake factory, like fucked up on pills and drunk as hell. And like,

you could do that now. Everybody says that, but I want paparazzi every week to watch me. Oh, yeah. Dude, you would totally go full shy of LeBuff if you were famous. Oh, dude, yes. Can't you see that?

Yeah. He would be the guy that's like doing a reading and a car. Yeah, dude, if you're rich and famous, you're allowed to be mentally ill on a drug addict. Oh, for sure. That's like the best part about it. It's like,

you're just like allowed to be fucked up. Oh yeah, they're fine. And the best part, too, is cheesecake factory would have to let me in the next week because I was such a celebrity. And they would love it. Yeah, you'd tip too. Yeah, I tip really well, but I also like, I, I, that's your redeeming quality. That's why people can't hate you.

Yeah, exactly. You know you're fucked. Yeah. But then I also like pee on some kids chicken fingers or something. Yeah. You're allowed to make a scene in a restaurant. Like the only time. Like you're allowed.

But it's like, because the people that go to Cheesecake Factory, like the bar is not that high. So me going there, they would be like, they're like, this is, thank you so much for coming here, Mr. Hill. And I'm like, fuck you. Suck my dick. You're less than me. And then I go and get drunk. And they're like, oh.

Thank you, sir. I appreciate that. But my other one is like, I live in Orlando. For me, it's like, I want to have like a house in my parents' neighborhood, but just be a piece of shit. Because like all those other people are like well respected. Like there's the occasional psychopathic, like rich guy who's like doing blow and like

riding jet skis. But for the most part, they're like well-respected families. And it's just my house. And all the neighbors hate me because I'm just like being a mess. I could, I could see you like living in the princess's castle like in Disney World. This is where my fantasy is. I'm not even kidding. I'm not even kidding. It goes here. I've built a mansion inside of Universal Studios Orlando. This is just mine. Like a castle. Yes. That would be so badass. And then it's like I might be going to Universal. People just ride by on a train and sit. Yeah, yeah.

See you in a bathroom. Just like you hang in a dong over your balcony. I'm basically like a ride. They can like get like little binoculars and look in there. They're like, oh, he's taking a shit right now. That's so cool. Dude, I might be going to Universal on a President's Day weekend in February. Oh, dude.

Which President's Day? It's the last weekend? It's the weekend of February 20th. So I think I'm going to... I think I have something that weekend. That sounds fun though. Yeah, because I was like... I actually told my...

Because I'm visiting a friend down there, but I told us... him, I was like, I know a guy who lives in Orlando. Like, I'll float the idea. Probably not. Yeah. But, like, yeah, that would have been fun. Yeah, what do you, what park are you doing? I think.

Sorry, I had to be, I have a bullshit. What park are you doing? I think we're going to do whatever universal one has the, uh, um, what's it called? Harry Potter, I assume. Harry Potter, but also the Velasso coaster. Oh, that's Islands of Adventure. Dude, that one's fun. Islands of Adventure.

Yeah, because he got the Hulk and shit, too. Oh, yeah. My, my childhood was fucking, dude. I, I, I love, like, my life's been so down. Like I used to like, we would go to Universal Studios as a kid and just hit on girls for like 10 hours. Like I ended up like, oh, because yeah, my parents would drop us off and like for 10 hours. It'd be like, you can do whatever you want. So like we'd be like 13 and we'd lie to girls and say we were 16.

We'd like do all this like dumb shit. I got jerked off and like the Jurassic Park world. I remember you tell them. Yeah, I'm not going to lie. Like theme parks. Definitely the sluts come out. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's certainly an aphrodisiac. for low-income single-women. But there's also like 10 miles there. So it's like me and like a 60-year-old guy. Like, you should go hit on her. No, you go do it. There was,

but it's like, but it's like, I grew up with like, not like loaded, but like some amount of money. And it's so funny because like when I was 16, it sounds so douchey, but like I got blown in my dad's range rover. And I'm like,

I don't think it gets better. Yeah, you peaked. Yeah, I was like, I don't think that'll be a thing that happens. I don't think I'll have a range rover ever again. Because nothing gets better than a blow job in a car. Is that like? For real?

Huh? Is that like for real? Like it's not terrible? No, it sucks. Yeah, it sucks. But it's like the, You mean like for the ego of it? It's the ego.

Yeah, yeah. Because when you're like 16, you're like, I'm the king of the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then now I'm like, she just dying to suck my dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She couldn't hold it in anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm playing like, obviously, I'm sure I was playing like, you know, like fucking problems by like, A set, Rock. I'm just like, you can also be delusional when you're like 16

that you think you're actually cool. But I was probably wearing a little button-down shirt That's when I was like 16 Because I used to wear like For years I wore like quick silver and stuff like that And then I was like oh I see adults There's a weird thing where like sparries became a thing And you just dressed like a middle-aged man

When you were like 16 You look ridiculous Yeah But like in your head you think you're cool So like you always think you're cool When you're in middle school and high school Yeah you're so delusional It's also like in middle school

And high school You kind of see like the fraternity kids Kind of wore like the sparries and everything Like in college and they did it kind. There was like a hint of irony in it, you know, where they're like, I know this looks douchey and whatever,

but it's like, it's fun. We're all in college being a douchebag. So kids see that and they're like, oh, they're so cool. Yeah. We look like them.

And they don't understand the trickle down of like, oh no, you look like a fucking idiot. You look so, it looks so stupid. You like a salmon. fucking, I had like salmon shorts.

Sammon. It's such a douche. And also like, when you move to like a very like democratic, like city, like you just look like the enemy. You're just the target. You're just like the white asshole. And that's where I had a problem. Because I started doing comedy in college. So I had to like adjust because I was in a fraternity doing comedy, which are like such different worlds.

So it was like I'd go to like the open mics and they'd be like, fraternity guys are douchebags. I'm like yeah, but not all of them. Some of us are cool, right? Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. It's more of like a performance, like an artsy kind of thing. So like you're like the anime. I've never worn sparries on stage in my life. But there was years where I had sparries and did stand-up comedy. which is just like they're so opposing. That is one thing I love about comedy culture is that like if you're like trying to do a cool guy thing, like you look so stupid. That is the funniest when people do that. Yo, it's hilarious.

Yeah. Like my special, I would love to just come out to like cool music and just make, that's not. Yeah. You can't like anybody that like comes out that way. It's so funny. Like I think if you're black,

you can kind of pull it off. Yeah. But like, do those introductions, like doesn't, Cat Williams like drives a Cadillac on the stage. Yeah. Oh my God.

It's a break. It's badass. But it's funny because he gets out and he's like, but we were talking about it the other day about like dudes. Like you guys, I don't know if you guys recognize it as much because we were talking about this, but there are some dudes who have like a getting laid act. Oh my God.

And their whole act. It's like, it's so obvious to other guys. Like we see it and we're like, all right, this fucking asshole. Like, yeah.

I think like I don't recognize it as much because like I think it's so fucking stupid. Yeah, yeah. It, like, wouldn't, like, work for me, but, like, I could, like, see how that's a thing. Yeah, it doesn't even need to work. By the way, I know somebody who's a brilliant comic. I love Kimbeck, but he has a joke where goes, I got a small dick. He's like, I got a small dick in that joke. And I'm like, you don't have to justify it.

The audience can know you have is, like, obviously you're kidding. But he's like, he's like, just heads up, my dick's actually not small. It's like, it's fine. Who cares if that next five minutes in audience thinks you have a small penis. It doesn't matter. It's so important. Yeah. But I mean, he's a brilliant joke around.

He's fucking hilarious. But I'm like, it's just funny to be like, I actually don't have a small dick. Yeah, that is such a departure from like, yeah, who he is. It's just like, like, because it's also, then it like makes every other one of his jokes where he's like, so you did rape a woman? All those dead bodies. Because he's all one-liners that are misdirection.

You really can't have like a sincere moment. You have a set like that. It's so funny. He'd rather people think that he has a normal size thing. Like any of the other things. He's like, no, but I am a pedophile. That's true. That's true. Yeah, he's the best.

And he's not one of those. He does not have a getting laid act at all. No, he doesn't. He's straight jokes. But that one line is like looking better all the line. Wait, so like what are the hallmarks of a getting late act? Cool shoes. It's really a lot about the outfit.

It's like there's a lot of time that goes into the coordinating. Yeah, you can tell he spent way more time. Once again, not came back. He's fucking hilarious. I'm episode that time. Like what kind of outfit are you talking about? fashionable. Like a trench coat kind of thing?

Is that what you mean? A trench coat? No. Trench coat. School shooters are hot. She's like, you know, slick back, you're like,

for Sherlock Holmes. I don't think you brought on like the best representative of all women. Really fucking weird Dave's in men. You want to have sex with two kids? Trenchcoat, one of those hats

with like the top flying on. Like an Alice in Wonderland. You know, a spiny hat? She's like, I like fucking guys in clown shoes. That's hot. Like, obviously a getting laid hat. No, it's also like, it's also like, he knows how to eat pussy.

He's got the spinny thing. Yeah, it's also like the material is very pandery. Is it like really like woke and liberal kind of material? Well, sometimes it is, but like, like, it's just like things that like women will agree with. Oh, like women are so beautiful. Not necessarily. No, no. No.

No. Funny. women are so beautiful. A little on the nose. Just stand there. It'll be a lot of like complaining about dating in a way. Yeah.

Oh yeah, it is a lot about dating. Oh, like that makes it seem like they get around a lot kind of. Like they're good at dating. It makes it like they know like a lot of like everyone else

is being weird and I know what's up kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the nuance. They know like they like sneak in like the nuances of like being with a woman or something so it makes it seem like they're getting like.

like they talk about like having sex and like a way that's like a lot of crowd work with women with specifically only women yeah with like hot women like you know with the whole audience and they're like kind of lean on the mic stand while they're doing it dude that is so crazy yeah yeah well dude I was talking to a friend

and he's a comic and he said that some guy literally uh this host got a girl's number like while he was on stage I'm like could you like I'm like what the fuck are you doing yeah yeah I also like my girlfriend is not into comedy and I'm of like a part of me, oh, my God, it's annoying, but I'm like, it's also kind of good

because, like, I feel like if somebody's attracted to somebody's attracted to you for comedy just being good at stand-up, then they're going to be way more attracted to better comedians than you. If that's the thing they value, like, with an exchange. Yeah, also they're going to find out you suck much. You're like, you're not this person. This is what I value a bunch. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. That's true. Yeah, there's got to be a balance. It's such a weird thing, though, like, for comedians, it's like when they hit a certain level of success, it becomes this like rock star kind of thing. Oh, for sure. You know? And it's like, it's because like I feel like comedians never got the chance to experience

like being a cool guy. So then like they just go crazy with it. And they get like a huge ego. But it's like comedy was never about like the cool people, you know? That'd be so funny if you do a comedy and be like, so why do you like comedy? Just like you're doing an interview with like Stephen Colbert. You're like, I just do it for the pussy. Honestly, I'm just trying to get.

Yeah, because if you take that, like, clip and then you look back to that kid when they're, like, six years old and they're just, like, shoving things up their nose. It's like, yeah, you think they did that for the pussy? Yeah, yeah. They're trying to make their friends laugh, you know? Yeah. The funny thing, too, is if somebody's not cool, nobody has ever in the history of once being not cool, you can always sense it a little bit in them. You know what I mean? You're like, oh, I know you're like.

That's so true. Yeah. A lot of it's such an unfortunate thing. Yeah. It's forever. Especially I love. Oh, man. Man, so sad.

It is, but I always love the guy who doesn't know how to talk to girls, and then he gets fucking yoke. And he's like, now I'll know how to talk to women. Dude, that's so true. Oh, my God. And I can literally tell just by his posture at the bar, I'm like, you were so uncomfortable talking to women. And he's like, so like you guys here with your friends. What's crazy is like, there's such a correlation between the two that like being that Jack is like actually not attractive like to a lot of women. I feel like because like they know it's a flag

it's happened so much that there are so many guys like that who like haven't they don't have like the confidence confidence or the personality so like when you see that like you just immediately associate it with like a total fact the compensation it's like it all happens like on their like unconscious level but like I think it's there you know oh for sure yeah and you can like I'll guarantee you if a guy came up

we would 100% know whether he was cool or not in high school. Like there's different kinds of cool, right? So like you can be cool in high school and not popular. You know what I'm just like? Yeah. Like, oh, that guy's really cool. He knows who he is. He's laid back.

Yeah. But then there's that really trying to be cool guy who will always be trying so hard to be cool. That's why like I've since the out of time, the coolest guy in my high school was just there was a couple of fat dudes that fucked a ton of chicks. One of them could like breathe fire. But they were just like, they didn't care about anything. And I'm like, that is the coolest guy. Yeah.

You got to have very, you can't have a lot of cares in the world if you take up breathing fire. Yeah, yeah. Everybody's like, that's awesome. That guy is the man. Yeah. Compared to like some guy who's like, I did 425 pushups today to be here. You're like, all right. You also know if they joined the ROTC.

They're probably not. Yeah. I just like wearing combat boots and algebra class. Yeah, there was always a, there was some dude on my wrestling team. And I remember the guy was for sure that guy. And I remember he's like, he was very nerdy. And he just,

but he always worked out and was really into muscles. And one time he was like, because he goes, hey, Michael, we're friends. But if you get in the way

of that varsity position, I'm going to have to crush you. And I was like, you sound like such a fucking pussy. And it ended up like losing the match we had to, dude, like an evil villain. Yeah.

Like, dude, dude, dude, dude, could you imagine like caring that. Like, I in high school,

I did not. I did sports, but I was like, this is so fucking stupid. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I,

I was always competitive. I always wanted to win but like if I didn't win I was like I'll be over in a day or whatever Dude I didn't at all I'd go these wrestling tournaments on Saturday and I was like I hope I lose so I can go get fucked up with my friends

I did not care at all And it's just him laying On the ground like come and give me I'm right here Kicking his legs I remember it was kind of a good thing Because I'd be like if I win Yeah

Wrestling me Imagine the guy who wins On sheer homophobia He's like, okay, big boy. Ooh, don't come at me too hot. Oh, that would be so funny. That would be really funny. Dude, I used to wrestle this kid.

They would be rock hard every time I wrestle. Are you fucking serious? I can feel right on my ass. I can't believe you just said that. Yeah, I could feel the tip of his penis right on my ass. It wasn't like. That's what? And he was never in a, it wasn't in a match.

So like, I think the singlet would hold the boner back. But he's wearing sweatpants. So I could just feel almost like somebody was, you know that game where you draw something on somebody's back? And you're like, oh, that's. a house back there. Oh, that's a car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can feel this dude, the tip of this dude's dick just like against my butt cheeks. And I'm like, this is. That would be such a funny, like, sketch of like a couple and the girls like drawn things. And she's like, all right, now you go. And she turns around. She's like just a cock. Like, dude, I had that recently. I was whispering to somebody in the showroom.

Some guy at the pair last night. The guy's like, I'm whispering this like random audience member's ear. I was like, is there a chance you could like move out of the way? And the guy turns around. And I'm just like basically kissing this guy. that's a weird thing you know what I'm just like I was like hey sure is there

change you good and I'm just like right there oh oh that's awesome but yeah I wonder if that guy ever came out as gay I don't know I don't know

I certainly don't know I looked at you like you and that I certainly have no I did he patty yeah yeah I do have a running list of all people

who come it's just the same it's just that way that's Santa's naughty list that's a hilarious idea at making list to people that are coming at like people should honestly make bets on people

who will come out as gay or not yeah because like there's there's always that guy who's like fighting it for the longest time it's like we know you're gay it's cool you know what I mean but you're like it's like they're like oh I'm not gay and they always joke about like everybody thinks I'm gay I give it three years like

yeah people you don't know I mean they're like you don't know you're gay but everybody in the world knows you're gay guy whoever showed up in my town We ran them out Who ever dared show up His face

I picture Hey y'all how's it going He's like a little briefcase We're like something's not right here But Like it was weird because like we didn't really Understand what being gay was Like we knew what it was

But it was almost like being like a leprechaun It's like yeah sure it's a thing that exists But we had no idea people would actually do it. Yeah. And it was so obvious like that this guy was gay and we would even call him gay.

But like deep down we're like, he's not gay. Yeah, we could not believe it. Yeah, because you're right, you can't process. You're like, you can't understand.

You know what he actually wants to fuck another dude. Yeah. There's that part of your brave where like you literally like, I think, I don't think I knew an actual gay person until like we knew there was this guy

who were like, oh, he's very friendly boy. Like he's probably gay at some point. But then in middle school, we're like, dude, he kissed a girl in the cheek, like, it's fine. Yeah.

But then this guy would... And it's always like the ugliest, fatest chap. That is so true. They always date like the buttiest girl. Dude, there's never... Yeah, they never once is a gay dude dating like the hottest chicken school. Never. Yeah, never one time has that happened.

And they're always so pristine and good looking, just dating an absolute pig. It's so funny. it's very true but yeah yeah this guy would like yeah everybody because you'd always text dudes about like jerking off

and I just gave him material for years I'm like I thought he was just browing down so I was like he's like what do you jerk off to him like dude what I like to do I like to watch the milk porn and he's like how do you do it I spit my hand a jerk I described it and for years this dude was just like that's so awesome and I'm like

bro and I'm like oh god this dude was for sure he's fucking pounded he's definitely got a shrine of you in his closet just a salmon shirt on like a yeah that's so funny that like a gay guy wanted to fuck me when I was like wearing like fucking like sparries

and like just look so stupid but I think that's the thing where there are gay dudes that are like attracted to straight dudes which is not a thing with dudes no dudes are attracted to lesbians no they are closer to I'd rather fuck a guy have women ever attracted to gay dudes um

some more often than men are attracted to lesbians, I feel like. Right. But no. Yeah, for the most part. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They're like, like, this guy's gay. I feel like they can't be like really gay, right? Yeah, they have to just like be a little bit. Like if they're like, yeah, that's, you're like, this is not ever going to happen. No. But if there's like a hint of like, ooh, maybe like. Yeah. You know it has to be so funny.

I know it's so wrong because gay men aren't attracted to women. But watching a gay dude, fuck a woman has to be the funniest thing on the planet. your pussy tastes amazing wow you really spent all the time down there do you think like are gay dudes like are they like disgusted by women

or are they just not attracted you know what I mean? So Oscar has fucked so many chicks Okay Like Austin really? Like 40 chicks Wow Yeah that makes me

You know how mad that makes me That he's fucked more girls than men I'm like so mad right now. It's because he doesn't care. That's the key. He's probably goofingly doing it. He's like, oops, I put it in her pussy.

He's like, I'm going to watch gay porn, and then you can blow me, and then I'll fuck you and think about it. Like, I don't know. I picture him doing it as, like, a joke. Oh, do you think the girls knew that he was gay? Yeah, I don't know. I could see him do it. I have to ask him the story. Or maybe he was, like, deeply closeted, because he's older, but like, maybe he's deeply closeted.

That's true. That's fucked a bunch of women, and then now fuck dudes. But it's like, if a gay dude can get hard fucking. a woman, that means a straight dude can get hard fucking a dude. It still be straight. I always thought, like, if you really want to... It sounds like I'm about to defend myself. That's why,

my camp experience in 2005, it's not actually gay. You know what? I bet actually, like, closeted gay guys have way more sex with women than straight men because they, like, when they're hiding it for so long, they, like, if it just keeps not working, they're like, well, I gotta keep trying. Like, they don't

want to, like, really commit to being gay. Like, I just got to fuck. There's someone out there. I know this dude who everybody thinks is gay and he was cheating on his girlfriend a bunch. And we're like, you know what he was probably doing? I love I've noted this guy's gave, but I'm like,

he's for sure gay. And I bet you he was like, oh, I'm not that in to my girlfriend. So maybe other women I'm into, like you were saying, like yeah, maybe it's somebody else. And then he just keeps trying. Yeah. And then nothing will, yeah. Yeah, there was, I met this. He wasn't a gay guy, but I met this couple. not too long ago.

It was like a friend of a friend and I remember the guy was like sitting next to me and like he was like so interested in like everything I said and he was like blushing like when I like talk to him and looked at him

and like this couple was like engaged and like they were about to be married and like he like made it a point to like follow me on Instagram he's like I love your comedy I'm like you've never seen my comment I'm just sitting at it and like he was just

you know when there's like a glint in their eye and you're like oh man I think they're into me. You know what it feels like? Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. Like they're just like zeroing in on you. Yeah, they're like you're the most. Like you're the bell of the ball.

I feel like the bell of the ball. And I was like this guy. It was just a little idea. And it was so funny because I said like to their friend like after they had left, I was like, guys, this might sound crazy. And then the girl goes, do you think he's gay? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So I think that guy's definitely. Oh, man. I love seeing like my. straight friends get hit on by gay dudes. Yeah. It's like, it's like jarring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like, it really is like you're like going through what women go through. I always, I

overcorrect and I try to prove him not homophobic by just acting. I go so far. Like, I was an Uber driver and this gay dude's like he immediately knew I got in the car just because I'm like sloppier. He's like, look, if you were gay, I know you're not, but I would blow the shit out of you. And I was like, dude, thanks so much, bro, man. Dude, just a bunch

of guys hanging out. When lesbians hit me, like, I get so flattered that I, like, don't even, like, want to reveal to them that I'm not gay. Like, I just, like, want it to keep... I feel like, you're like, maybe I'll just be a less. Yeah. Like, I know it could be that. Yeah. It is, it does feel good.

It's probably homophobic because my mind I'm like, he's not going to rape me. He's a gay guy. He's not capable of that. Gay rape. What about? Prison? Yeah. I can defend myself against a gay man.

But, look, meanwhile, they work out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I could easily be just like torn apart and bristled. Just legs behind the head. While you're driving the car.

Thanks for the tip. I can't believe if you said that to you. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, some girl grabbed me by the dick while I was driving one time. Yeah. I tell her I had a girlfriend, but yeah. Holy shit.

Yeah, that is nuts. People, yeah, people be crazy, dude. Because everyone's hammered. For sure. Yeah, yeah. And like, there's this weird thing where people are like, I think a lot of people that are single, they're like, they already get struck out at the bar and they're like, this is the last. You're the last resort. Yeah, they're like, yeah. But I'm like, even if I was single, I'm like, what am I just going to take off the rest of the night? Well, yeah. And then it's like, that's basically like rape because I'm like totally sober. Yeah. And these people are like wasted. Yeah. That was like a big issue I had when I first stopped drinking because I would like go to a bar. And like if I was talking to a girl or I was like, I can't do this. This doesn't feel good. at all. Yeah, and it's less attractive. Like, even like really hot girls. I mean, obviously I have a girlfriend's. Like, I was, you'd never do it, but like, really hot

girls would come in and I'm like, I'm so unattract, because you're just like, just came home from the bar and you're like, hi, how you're done? You're an Uber driver. It's disgusting. It was crazy. When I was I was driving these girls to this fraternity house and this girl goes, hey, can we fuck this guy? Like the Uber driver, the girl's like,

yeah, sure, I'm down. And I'm like, no. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. But people were like crazy. Yeah. It was wild. Yeah. Wait, did you do that? I'm sure a female in a trip we should have like 10 times more than that. Oh, God.

Sure. Yeah. Did I what? Well, first of all, they're too busy crashing their car. Don't look at me when you say that. Did you do Uber driving in Florida or in New York? Yeah, yeah.

It was awesome, dude. It was so much fun. Like, it was like I was going out, but I, like, wouldn't get hung over and I'd make a fuck done of money. Wow. That's true. It's got to be pretty, like, fond at times. Dude, he was such an adventure.

One time I thought this one time I thought this guy was going to kill me, but then I just found out he was mentally disabled. I was driving this guy and then he's like Woods and I'm like driving this guy into the woods and I'm like

Yeah And I was like That's his destination Yeah He's fucking terrifying And I was like He gave me a location And then I was like driving

I was like hey these are These are like woods here He goes Woods And I was like okay And then I'm driving And then I'm like

Having a good night Tonight goes Yes Dude, this guy's going to fucking murder me. And I drop him off the house. And then, like, his mom comes out to get him. And I'm like, wait, no. But then a part of me, too, I was like,

I hope I don't get murdered by a disabled guy. Because that would be, my competence level, people would be like, come on. Yeah, because he's just trying to hug you. Yeah. Next thing, you know, you're... The pearly gates. What are the...

How does that... If you're, like, special needs, kids, like, hug somebody too. hard and kills them. How does that? How does that work? Wait, what are you asking? Just ask the most insane hypothetical. I'm like, how does that, you know,

how does that work when the special needs to hug someone and kills them? I like I said how it works is if it's like a common thing. I'm like, how does the law work with this? Isn't that like what they do? They hug people kill them. Yeah, don't they like hug too hard. Isn't that their thing?

I don't know. Yeah. I think that they put them down or something. I don't know. It's like a, oh, like what did they do if they hug? Well, what is... That's what you're asking. I know Texas. They were killing us.

They just put them face down in a kiddie pool without any swimmies. Just throw jelly beans at the bottom of the lake. Oh my God. Belia's not signing off any of it. Just in case you're listening. I can't condone this. Disapproved all this. Yeah.

But there was a thing with Texas where they were like killing... I think he was Bill Clinton. Was he governor of Texas or something? Arkansas. Arkansas. Yeah, there was a thing where like they would kill mentally... people and people will be like, is this okay? Is it's not okay?

But it would be like a mentally disabled guy would get accused of murder. And it's like people who wouldn't know where to, because they're like, he knows better. You're like, does he though? You know what I mean? It's tough. Yeah. Well, they're also an excellent source of protein. They are.

They're about eating disabled people. I'm glad we're wrapping up because I don't know how to riff on eating disabled people. Just waiting to say that. Yeah, I was later. The neck probably got thick neck You got a really slow-cooked You got a slow-cooked They got the same thing Alex Jones has

Where you just look like the shark From a suicide squad Zero neck and all fucking But I wonder if it's like I wonder if it's like good for like Is it muscle or is that just bones? Which one is a giant bow? The skull just looks like a

A hood. It looks like a Lego guy It's got to be mostly fat. No, it's not. The extra bones in his neck. It's got to be fat because I've never seen like a fit guy with Down syndrome. That's a good point. Yeah.

It's because they ate candy all day. They just eating rases for every meal. They can't like have discipline. Yeah. Everybody they found out of the movie, Elf, was you supposed to be about a guy with Down syndrome going to find his dad in New York? Let's just, let's make him an elf. It's kind of make it a little more. Yeah, because you can't put a guy with the on syndrome on like a treadmill.

He'll be like, what am I? Dude, that sounds. This is terrible. Where am I going? I'm not going anywhere. How come I'm not going. I'm going up the stairs. I'm not getting to the top.

He would just like start crying after a while. Just put like an iPad with cocoa melan on. He's like, I want to change the channel. Dude. There was this. There was this retarded guy in my school when I was growing up. By the way, feel free to, this is not new territory. So in a good way, this is more, feel free to talk.

Oh, actually, remember this story, but Michael had like a bit going at one point that he said he was going to stick to. I didn't. Every time we talk about pedophiles, every time we talk about made jokes about people with Down syndrome, I was going to have to take a bite out of a crayon. I was trying to train myself to joke about something else, but that was just like 95% of my episodes. Yeah. Here we are. But yeah.

Anyway. Oh, I don't even know. He was just so fat. Great story. Glad you shared. Are we reaching the end here? Yeah, yeah, we are. Yeah, I am just thinking about though.

I've never seen it. They're strong, but never like yoked. Yeah. Never in shape. Good thing, though. Imagine harnessing all that power, dude. that was the original Bain. They just had a guy with Down syndrome that gave steroids to.

Just them like ripping open the packaging of like a rescue hero. Yeah. Shoveing it immediately up their nose. Yeah, we're about to wrap it up. What do you guys want to promote? Patty is funky on Instagram and news from bed Patty on TikTok. Perfect. Nice. I'm Malia Simon on Instagram.

I also run a show. every Friday at 10 p.m. at St. Mark's Comedy Club. It's super fun. You should come out. What is it called? It's called cult comedy, cult comedy, NYC on Instagram. I love the way you said that because you're like, what's it called? Is it they were going to go to St. Mark's at 10 p.m. And like, I don't know what the name of the show is. You're like, I don't even know what to do. But they have an Instagram. So, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. Thank you.