Morning Good - Limp Bizkit Fan Episode - Episode 231

Episode Date: August 4, 2024

Paddy Defino and Jake Timothy are back again baby. They talk about Temu impulse shopping, bombing at bringer shows, and how to be the toughest 6th-grader.Thanks to Paddy and Jake for coming back on the show. Check them both out on a whole bunch of previous episodes and make sure to follow Paddy on Instagram @paddy_is_funky, and keep up with new episodes of the best visual experience in comedy podcasting, News From Bed.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. Now, what do we think of? What the fuck up? Come on for the eight. Big boys. The Olympus get my dick hard.

We're here with Pat Patty Defino. and Jake, Timothy, and this is not the last episode. People are going to see because you guys were on the last episode, they're going to think this is the same one. So we're wearing fun glasses just to... Limp biscuit is what I imagine plays, like, in the soundtrack of the movie about my life the first time I eat ass. That music kicks in.

You just see me lower behind a pair of. I keep rolling, rolling, rolling. A lady looks down while, like, you're eating her pussy, and she just sees this and then those glasses. These glasses look like the first guy who invented like eating pussy. There's a side. For the people that are audio listeners, first off,

watch the video. There's a lot you're missing. You have to face your demons quite literally. Patty has tiny black sunglasses that are circular. Who wears those? I think just like various Muppets for different like scenes. I feel like I've seen like a serious criminal villain wear that. Yeah, like evil criminal guys wear those.

Or Steven Seagall, I think, wears stuff. The issue is like there's, they're so small, even as close as I can get them to my eyes. There's always light coming from like some angles. Yeah, because they barely cover your pupils. Yeah, all I can see is the rims in each eye. But yeah, I guess $2.99 on Timo. Oh, fuck, yeah. Same with those, dude.

Yeah, I got the flip-up sunglasses. So they're black sunglasses, and then you flip them up in their regular glasses. If you want to read with people seeing your eyes. Timu just wants everyone to look like Blade Runner characters running around. Well, the black, yeah, I'm trying to get a big rugs on sale. What got you to buy all these sunglasses? I'm like an impulsive purchaser. Yeah, but like sunglasses specifically to write today.

Well, I bought those like blue ones with the Jaguars on the side. and then now Timo is hitting me with like the top shell. The funniest glasses. Dude, I'm the same way. I was in a Mexican guy. I showed you. I was like,

oh, you are a cool guy. We have been saving these for just for you. Yeah. A fucking track suit with a tiger on the back of it or something like that, too. I'm like, I was at this Mexican gas station in Tennessee, and there was a belt buckle with a silver wolf.

Gasolina. With blue diamonds in its eyes. And I was like, this is the cool, or gems, they weren't diamonds, but I was like, it was $16, and I'm really mad I didn't buy it. Yeah. I know it would have started a whole trend of me buying bad boy clothes, because I am known. If like you wore that belt to RNC, you could get a guy to come out of the closet for that belt. It's like the secret belt. I love how I came to you guys with that information recently about the RNC that just wasn't true. I was like, did you guys hear the grinder

crashed because the RNC was in town? Yeah. Just because like one person told me that. And I'm like, Oh, okay. I guess that just must be true. I saw one article. There is a big issue with... Wait, where did you hear that? Did someone tell you, or you read it on there? I read it online, and then somebody told me additionally. And then I was like, oh, I guess there was so much gay sex at the Republican National Convention.

Which makes no sense because there's more... I think one of you was saying this. There's more gay sex happening in Brooklyn, like, or the West Village. Like, the app is... In this apartment. In this apartment. Yeah. The app is built for gay sex.

There's no way. Its capacity is like... I think what it... I think it's like... there's something happening when these big groups of people get together and they all have cell phones. Like none of them work. Right. Oh, that's true too.

Maybe it was like too much gay sex and... In one, like one tight little ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was too many cocks. But that's what happened with the assassination attack. Like at that place, they said that like there were so many people there, no one could like make a call. Oh, that's so annoying having pictures of like the guy shooting the president. You just can't send it then.

If you try to call 911, you just can't. Yeah. And that's your guy too Because you're Text 911 A picture of the guy Why did you think This is how you handle

The emergency I got the best feed Yeah Well it's also funny too Because it's like Everybody there loves Trump So that must be such a like Not being able to scream

In a dream scenario Or like not be like Oh yeah No no no no It's our guy And he's gonna fucking kill our guy It's right there And you can't call anybody

And they're due And they have like Half of a Bud Light And they're like Do I put it down? Yeah Yeah Yeah

Yeah, that's like, dude, people were screaming, like watching those videos. People were literally screaming and, like, nobody was, like, really reacting. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude, well, it's like, none of those, like, you know, security. Because they just, like, don't even know what's happening. Also, I hate when people go, oh, you don't know what it does like. It's like, I've shot in so many guns and I still think a car backfiring is a guy. I still, I'm sorry if I'm a crowd of people and I hear a bang, I like think, I'll hear a balloon popping.

I think it's a gun. That doesn't mean I've never been around guns. Yeah. Dick, asshole who's mean to me. That's what it's going to sound like the first time a woman breaches my ass is like a gun. Ha ha ha ha ha. Just shoot a clip out.

I like that you say breaches my ass. There's a security. There's little army men outside of Patty's asshole. I have a very, very secure ass. Making like an alarm sound with your mouth. Oh, maw. Code red.

I picture there's a little. Patty sat on a seat that at a baseball. Patty's laying face down and just on his ass cheeks. Just like a secret service guy with like one of those little wires. He's like, clear. We're clear. We're breach. We're breach.

There's a figure coming in. Jake just walks into my room. I just shoot some of that. We're talking about it. We should not open that door if no one is home. Like if someone knocks and it's just one of us here, don't open the door. Okay. Because all it takes is one person.

person to push and like they're in the apartment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's how I got you. That was my favorite fucking break. Dude, that scared me. I just finished smoking a spliff. Yeah, yeah. Already warfare on my paranoia. Yeah, yeah. And then like, yeah. I just walking

in the building and I see him walking. I think I've told this. And he closes the door behind him and I push against it so he can't close. As it's like just about to be closed. He can't see me. He just feels somebody pushing trying to get into the apartment. And there's like a full door swing before I see Michael on the other side. So I'm like,

smash, bro, is into my fighter stance. Can you own, there's no guns you can own in New York, right? I can't own like a 20... I think I can own a 22, right? Dude, you can get a salt gun. Oh, we still got to get one of those. Yeah, well, people use those for, I heard some comic talking about, he was

on a train, and the... Oh, Nick Sports him was talking about, he used to, like, train hop, and, like, the conductor would shoot him with an assault gun. Oh, yeah. He was like, my friends got shot, and I was crazy. He's, like, buy a salt. Those were, like, shotgun salt pellets, though? They're like big ones, so they hurt and then the assault. Is that for just people climbing on the train?

I think it's just like, they have those for like riots and stuff too. They don't want to kill somebody. They just want to hurt them enough. Every cop should have a real gun and then like a play gun. And they should look exactly the same. Well, just a gun that says like, hey, hey, settle down. Like it just somehow just is. Free seatballs.

It's just like like the little arrow that says, whoopsie. Yeah. That's just a warning of what to get. could be. I'm going to shoot your fucking head off. It makes a fart noise and a flag comes out. Now that I know which gun is my real gun. Dude, if there was a gun that was just the equivalency to getting punched in the balls

and just like, hey, you know, watch out, pal. Essentially a stun gun, which they do carry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cops are pretty well equipped. Yeah, yeah. They look like Pokemon trainers. Wouldn't it be sick if cops had Pokemon? And, like, you're like, you like, jump a track and they're like, hold,

right there. Go. Side duck. And just a duck hypnotizes. Today got out of hand. It's the last time I'd jump a turn style. I'm not going to play along with that bit. I just, I got nothing on that.

But by fucking, my MTA just stopped. I don't know what happened. I think I may have accidentally like flagged it as a fraud alert. So now the MTA just doesn't work on my debit card. Oh, really? Yeah, it's really, every time it does not, it's the only transaction just does not work.

So I have to hop every single time. Yeah. I hate when you like buy something and then whatever comes up on your statement looks like something you definitely didn't buy. Yeah. And you call and you're like, no, absolutely not. Yeah, like I didn't spend $30. Collegebrose.com. It's definitely not me.

Pro biller. Yeah. Oh, boy. It's like, I don't know. You just see something and you like cancel your phone. You like lock your account and cancel your card. I'm like, oh yeah, I totally bought that. I totally bought five different pairs of sunglasses.

That happened one time I was so drunk at Epka. It was Fourth of July at Epcot. I love this one. I got fucking hammered in Germany, just drinking Schlossk and Vaskers or whatever. What year is it in Germany? 1943. I think it was a little before that.

I want to say like 18 18. There's just a mascot with a giant hit, like a Hitler with like a giant head. but I got really fucked up and I went on Instagram and like this t-shirt popped up and I tried to buy it but it's like located in like Japan or something so my car my like credit card company right after like called me and left a message and like hey did you make this purchase and I was like no canceled my card it was like the first day I was in Disney

I had just bought it on a thing and they said the exact amount and everything. So I just had to go without a, without a card for a while, and I was so upset. Did you have to, like, Venmo, friend? I've had to deal with that shit where I'm like, hey, bro, can have me, like, 50 bucks? I was with my family, so they're like, we can, like, help you out while you're here, but, like, it's just, you just feel like a child again. Like, when you don't have a wallet, you're like, I'm a child. I'm just roaming around, like, being like, hey, you think you could help me get to the thing, you know? Yeah. Well, that's happened to me because I felt for the stupid USBs prank. Not prank, scamp.

They prank. They pranked me. They got my credit card. I've fallen for that like three times. My package is lost. I guess they have to reroute it. Oh, this card didn't work. I guess I'll use every card I have. I just, I like never use shit. I never buy shit online and I get those all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking like trying to get me to, like my package was stolen. I always think I've ordered something and just forgot. Yeah. That's where they get everyone, I feel like.

Especially for you because every, every, every, every, day I go to look to see if, by the way, the IRS has still not sent me my fucking refund. They sent me a packet of paperwork to fill out. Dude, this isn't fun. Anyways. You didn't get direct deposit? I did, and they're like, it just didn't work, so we mailed it to you. They lost the check.

Now they sent me back a bunch of paperwork. I have to, like, open up a, what do you call it, like a, what do you call it? Black business? Yes, I have to start a black business to get my tax refund. I don't know what I'm thinking. They have zero dollars at the

IRS and they're like, just stall. Yeah. Just tell them, tell them anything. Yeah, so I am opening a chicken shop on the street. But every time I go there to look for shit, it's always stuff for you.

Yeah, I get a lot of stuff coming in. I've been just ordering like chess boards. I ordered another one. A travel one. For when I travel? No, I did have this. Where is you to play with people at the airport?

I was going to challenge people. I was going to give it to the coffee shop, like, a couple blocks up and just be like, hey, if you want, like, to set this up or whatever, like, I would just come and play for sure. I'm sure people would, you know? Yeah, yeah. I just wanted a place to, like, play random people. Yeah, yeah. It's like near the house, but I have not. I mean, I go to the park and play play black dudes. Do you need me to answer that? No, no, genuinely curious. because well the way they play is like three minute like really fast really and they just like shit talk you i'm like not good enough to yeah that was so bad

no black guys sounds like that my dick to your ass checkmate motherfucker yeah why people just get fucking reamed by those dudes yeah they make uh pretty or they used to make like really good money doing that What happened to Eric Adams say they can't make as much money would have? Probably. In another effort to stall. No, people just play online now. Everyone just goes online.

Oh, shit. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. And I don't know. I think it's like it's kind of been baked in that like you're going to get your ass kicked and hustled by these guys. Yeah, yeah.

But like back in the day, it was kind of like that. They're like pretending to be blind and stuff. You're like this now. What's going on here? Yeah. he knows exactly how much time he has left. It's like, who is this guy? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the ones of Washington Park are fucking, it looks like they're fucking, I don't know, I don't know if they're actually winning or what's going on, but I just see them moving and then taking money from people. Yeah. Yeah, that's their life. Imagine if your life was playing chess. Yeah, that's kind of a beautiful idea. Imagine if your life was.

It's a lot of stress, though, because you could just lose all your money also. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine if your life was standing in front of a camera and going like this. Spreading my pussy. What about... Done for today. You don't know what I'm going to start doing.

I'm saying Dick Pigs wouldn't, but spread the tip of my penis. Just spread that. What do we do? Do we drop the ring down there? Yeah, just maybe two, two like action figures, just opening it up. What about a... Just rescue here. Maureen biology.

I'm gonna have a Playmobile on top of my penis and his hands are riding it like it's an alligator like he's got one hand on each side of it. Two Lego hands. It would be funny

if like a girl sent you like a picture of her pussy or whatever and you send back a picture if you with a clothespin on your nose. Nope. Just number block down to that.

Some things are worth losing pussy for a phenomenal prank. I think everything is worth. That's like the only use of clothes like one of those wooden clothes pants has smells in here. It's just to tell someone they smell. Or I guess if you just live in Europe, people just don't have dryers for some retarded European reasons. They're just like, yeah, we don't do that here. We're hanging on a thing. Yeah.

Instead, we like these big oversized wooden pieces of shit. What is this? Can you update me on that? No, listen. You're like the Bitmeister, Patty. What was that? I don't know. You guys can't look at me like that after.

How do you guys draw your clothes? Big pieces of shit? I think they think it adds culture by having like a clothes line with a bunch of stuff on there and like a fat Italian woman like screaming and singing a song. Yeah, that's like every scene of a movie

where someone gets like assassinated. Oh my God, yeah. It's just like... They pull it down and there's a... guy, then they run away, and then the guy's, like, in their house. Yeah. Yeah. Or, like, I don't know why I think of taken what I think of, I don't know if that even happens in taking him. I just picture Liam Neeson, like, running down a cobblestone road, and then you see, like, all these clothes going on there and you shoot at somebody. Yeah, it is a very European thing. Yeah. I like how much of a peepee

pants he is. That really makes me giggle. Who? Liam Neeson. He pisses his pants. Just constantly, dude. He piss his pants, like, the old man way of, like, he, I think he pees and then puts his dick away. And then just more pee comes out. Dude, they're, they're drenched pictures. It's quite a lot, though. Dude, it is, yeah, it's literally insane. That's crazy. That's like next level non-stage fright where your dick just starts peeing before you even get there. For me, it takes me about 30 seconds of hard focus. I'm at the URL for sure. He's just talking to an interviewer.

Jesus Christ, dude. Yeah, he's also a big drinker, so I think he's just drunk. and peeing his pants. I was saying to Jake the other day, we were talking about Russell Crow, and I guess he does this method of drinking where he gets a bucket. And he fills it with ice and vodka and meo and then water.

He like adds water to it because he's like, I got to stay hydrated. He just sits at a bucket and just drinks. Dude, like a straw or does he just drink from the bottle? I don't know. I imagine like a two, of some sort of gasoline how we just slowly realized over over time how fucking insane every single actor

is like they're all completely Steven's like all things my favorite Have you seen the interview of him talking about They have a compilation of him talking about What his heritage is and some guy tries to map it out He's like yeah my mom's actually Chinese He goes Well my dad is from the Philippines

My dad, mostly Russian on my dad's side I'm Irish, definitely Irish A little bit of Puerto Rican He says like 20 different ratings And 5% Segal. Dude, his rap song is still the fucking best. Does he...

He has a Jamaican. It's like a... He's like, me one deep point nine, nine, and nine, do, boo, it's fucking amazing. He's too good. Why does he feel the need to do that? He doesn't stop doing anything,

dude. Isn't he like a cop in like some city? He is a cop, I think, now. That's awesome. Yeah. All cops are bad, really? I think he definitely is bad. Yeah. I think even Alan would say that he's bad.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he owes, like, the mob some crazy amount of money. That's, like, why he did, like, all these, like, terrible movies. Yeah. Dude, speaking of bad, we were talking about Donald Trump. I guess he... You know that guy? He was.

There was, like, this Navy SEAL name... Oh, yeah. We were, like, looking up just American war crimes, like, crimes that, like, Marines or Navy SEALs committed. And Donald Trump, has pardoned, like, a lot of them. Like, like, guys that just, like, murdered kids on purpose. Yeah, 100% on board, dude. You win American flag. You do what you want.

There's a guy named Eddie Gallagher, who recently, like, retired. Did he smash foreign children with a giant hammer? Dude, he would literally, like, shoot up villages of people. Like, that, there was no enemies in. Like, it was just casualties. Jesus Christ. He would just light up casualties and, like, go out. Casualty, first I will say, that's a very weird word, because it sounds very relaxing. It's like, we're doing some casualties. Yeah.

Nothing serious. It's just casual. Nothing too formal. Just casualties over here. And there was this one time where they got this guy who was like either ISIS or whatever, Bukaki, whatever the bad thing is at that time. And they brought him in and they were going to like question him and interrogate him to find out where like bases were or whatever.

And they were all standing around him. And he was like tied up. And Eddie Gallagher walked. into the room and just takes out his like caper knife and just slices the guy's throat in front of everyone and they're all like dude the guy had serious information yeah but isn't this knife cool yeah and he's like fuck and then he like took pictures holding the guy's head and it was like yeah and he like sent him around yeah he was like bragging about it it was they liked to do that dude i knew a guy one time in the army he just show me videos of him blowing things up and i'm like

I'm not going to ask any questions. I don't think this is cool. I've witnessed murder now. I mean, it's far away murder. You're like, oh, I'm just watching something blow up, but you're like, there's, I don't know, there's a little lost Iranian orphan or something in there. I don't know.

Yeah, maybe one of those kids would have been a great Rocket League player or something. Yeah, yeah. You never know. Or Rocket Launcher. Yeah, it was funny. I was watching Iron Man last night. And it was like, which I don't know why. Did I'm just like, let me just watch something to put me to bed.

I'm like, also Tony Star, what's like this? Tony Star is just the most un, I hate to be like, un- He's going to be Dr. Doom now. I know. They're recycling him. Is there not more actors? Yeah, yeah, there's some guy and he's just like, yeah, I know I can do every role. And you're like, this is like starving person that would be great, maybe as doctor-

It should be all autistic kids. You 100%. The guys that are already beat, they already think they're that character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got a deal with temper tantrums on instead of the movie. The guy's mom's got to get him off. And there's an autistic Hulk one, but when he gets really mad, he just becomes Down syndrome. And start swinging.

That's a fun idea. Send it over to Kevin Feige. Is that his name? The guy who does some movies? There's some guy who always just comes out. He's a bald guy who's like, the new Marvel. The next 10 movies, they're going to be great. They're going to be perfect.

15 and 11. So anyway, you were watching Iron Man. Yeah, I was watching Iron Man. And it was funny, too, because immediately I forgot that like every movie from 2001 to 2010 was like, if there's a brown guy in it, that's the bad guy. You're like that. That is, if you're wondering who the villain is, the brown guy is the villain. Yeah.

And the best is when they try to hide it. Like there's like a twist at the end where it's like, and it was the brown guy the whole time. Your mom is there. And she's like, I, I, I, knew it. There was something about him. I knew it was going to be him. It felt kind of post-9-11. Yeah. Yeah, that was like, I don't know, they say like all those movies were just war propaganda, basically. Yeah, I feel like Captain America might have been a little bit. Anytime there's like guns and like people, like soldiers, I'm in. I like want to join.

Well, that's the dumbest argument. People make. I love when people are like, they're like, yeah, Hollywood is so anti-gun. But they're, but there's, you know, movies are people shooting at each other. It's like, yeah, because they're movies, you fucking retard. They're so anti-the-joker, and the next thing you know, they're put in a movie where a guy puts face pain on. It's like, I don't understand that you can be against something in real life and for it.

Yeah. That is something I'm excited about, though, the Joaquin coming back, because I love that they're just doing a musical. Isn't that fun? It's a musical? It's a musical? It's a musical, dude. God, damn it. Off the rails, dude. I like that. God damn it, dude. Every time there's a musical, I get mad. Yeah.

What if they redid Tenacious D? What did they got back together after that? That's true. Tenacious D is good. Every other one, like, it's just as soon as they start singing, I'm like, you could have just like shot a guy. But I've always said this. The most Joker thing to do is just to make a terrible music. Like that isn't the spirit of the Joker.

Just make a terrible music. They should make it claimate. They should do something they're just like, why did they do? Because that's the most chaotic thing. It's also the most like Joaquin Phoenix thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. just to be like, what if we made it weird? What if everything was weird?

What if it was bad? What if we made this movie? So bad that it's weird. It's so weird that it's bad. Bad again. Which is good. And they're like, you got it. Every time he accepts it an award, I was like, was he raped by like five executives before he walks up there?

He seems to every time he gets on stage, he looks like he's just like, oh, thank you. I'm like, could somebody get some life into this? It's kind of sad. I'm like, is this is a half amount? He's drinking enough water. He's like still, he's like constantly just method acting for the joke. I don't know. I feel like he's just so.

He's just playing a role as like, I'm an artist guy. Yeah. When he's off camera, he's just, he's like you. He's like a party animal. Right off stage. And he's just like, what's up? Oh, shit. That's my name.

Thank you so much. Wow. You guys are so nice. The next one's going to be. bad. The musical, it's bad. It's bad. You guys are going to hate.

Everyone's crying. I'm going to hate it so much. Jimmy Fallon's like, Phoenix, From the ashes, Phoenix, man. I love,

when I found out that guy was just a drunk. Yeah, no, Jimmy Fallon's the man. Yeah, he's the one I actually like, like, I don't know,

people like, Kimmel was just the least likable guy I've ever seen in my life. I think this people just don't even They're like they shouldn't make A late night anymore I don't know you get in the back of a cab though

And you're fucking wasted and you're like Oh my God are they gonna interview somebody It should just be in the cab though Yeah yeah yeah You know when I'm in the cab anything that's on Show me like Like people that are walking through properties in Manhattan And I'm like this is the best show ever

Yeah it's so true It wasn't in the cab though It's all the hosts are like no charisma or anything Yeah Today we're gonna try soul food Heart of New York And you're like There used to be like

When I would go to work There would be this gas station That had those like TVs on it That would just play And every time I went Like I'd pull in Take the nozzle out And start like squeezing it

And then it starts And it would be like The most horrific like stories Every time It's like three babies were murdered In a river by a vampire Two babies are dead And a murder suicide

go goo go go gha gha and then but it's like 8 in the morning I'm like fuck I just got to like you would think they would give news like there's a new type of cheese coming out

like ooh yeah that does have fun I always like the TV's the parrot cheese sounds tropical I like I like the movies that are always on display in the TVs when there's like a homeless guy walking by

there's like a natural disaster going on in the movie and then there's always a TV in like a window of a place. Yeah. Because I've never seen a TV in a window of a place. Is that a thing? It used to be more popular. They got a TV store. Yeah, but they don't need to do that

to like sell TVs anymore. Yeah, they just dump you on the internet. They just got to tell you you're gay if you don't have one. Ching! Yeah, I remember when plasma screen was the thing. Yeah, it's like, what is, plasma. They're using technology from alien covenin? They use the blood platelets for me to watch Nickelodeon.

When I was like a kid, I remember I read it before I understood like what marketing was, like how it worked. Anytime my dad would like buy a new TV, whatever it said on it, I thought was like the next step in TV tech. He bought a TV that said it was like aquaclear picture. and I was like, how do they even get that? That's crazy. What's more clear than the dirty ocean? Were you guys like a swim with your eyes open? You just to prove to myself I could do it.

I like to challenge myself. You just approved to yourself? No, no, just to prove. Like in the ocean, like I would get my eyes adapt to the salt because it stings your eyes unless you go down and open them in there and then you get used to it. Yeah. And then you tell all your friends,

you fucking too scared to open your goddamn eyes in the ocean. Yeah, and then your, your face is just beat red. What are you guys all for the seats? Eyes are just so bloodshot. That was so much of like being a kid. I'm like Aqua guy. I used to let people punch me in the stomach to show how strong I was. Like I'd have the toughest guys.

Like Houdini? Yeah, all the time. And I was like, I don't need abs because I got, because I just got kind of fat because I would drink a lot of milkshakes and stuff like that. So people would just punch my stomach because there was like a layer of fat that I I remember just telling everybody else, like, anybody in this fucking school can punch me in the stomach.

And all the toughest kids would do it. You're lucky you didn't develop an indent. I probably have serious stomach. I mean, a kid's stomach. Because, like, I was, like, in sixth grade. I was having, like, eighth graders punched me in the stomach. So, like, some of those eighth graders were, you know,

Hispanic and went through puberty, like, five years before. So, like, I'm having a grown Hispanic man punched me in the stomach when I'm, like, a 12-year-old kid. And, uh... That's, like, a completely different. I don't, like, if you're, like, a sixth-grade, going up to the oldest kid in middle school and being like just fucking punch me.

That's a, I don't know. That's a different thing. I agree. It's a different kind of strong and I'm a very tough man. I completely look. I don't even finish that sentence. I get it. I'm a tough guy.

You know what I don't get scared at. It's scaring movies. That's the kind of thing that doesn't terrify me. Well, I mean, do you think the toughest guy would punch that kid or would? Oh, yeah. The toughest guy would be like, I mean, no, you're a kid. Too tough. I'm too tough.

No, dude. Unfair. If you, no, tough guys punched me, man. I got punched by a tough guy. That makes me a tough guy. I got punched by a tough guy. Michael's like, I would go up to the oldest guy in senior class.

It's like a small Indian kid. And I'm like, do it. And be like, put your dick in my mouth right now. That's me in prison. Go up to the biggest guy in the yard. Fuck me in front of all these prisons. Just because I had. all those milkshakes

to make I can suck the shit out of your dick oh you think you think I need abs to suck your dick yeah oh man

oh man I did this one kid I remember I was friends as one kid and he was talking to me about how much he wants to go to prison

it was like in ninth grade we're just in like the it was like a study hall class you ever have one of those it was like an organizational

class did he have like family in prison yes yes he did yeah That makes sense. Yeah, and he's like, bro, I remember just being like, you're going to get raped. Everybody gets raped in prison.

And he's like, not my dad, bro. And I was like, well, I guess I'm not going to argue because you're a tough guy. It's like, maybe, maybe not. Apparently it's a mixed thing. Can you imagine walking into prison with a big smile on your face? Like, I'm here to see my dad. I'm your dad at today. Dad, I'm here to hang out with you.

And he's like, come on. You could have just visit him. You don't even have a swastika. You're not going to fit in. You're going to embarrass me in front of my friends. Yeah, we had a couple kids like those who's just like everybody. There was one kid who's every family member he had was like either dead or in jail. And it's just like, yeah, like it's not going to end up good for a guy like that.

I think the guy's actually doing well, though. He's got some sick tattoos and friends of them on Facebook. That's good. He's probably listening right now. He's good. Just tattoos of big money. I think he's pretty. wealthy.

He wouldn't get that on his body. Every picture of him he's holding cats. He has to be doing it. Declaration of Independence and I think he's like running for office. Clearly loves the law. Do you ever like, I will say this?

Imagine if Trump at a, at the debate just ripped open his shirt and the Declaration of Independence would be so fucking sick. Wait, are they re-debating with Kamala? Yeah. Okay, sick, that'll be interesting. That's exciting. They're always fun, I don't know.

Debates are fun, yeah. Because I'm fully out, so I'm like, oh, this is fun to watch. They're always so bad. Yeah, yeah. There's never been a debate where I'm like, wow. Like everyone, I'm like, I mean, I guess. Oh, the one thing I did want to say that, I have seen somebody showing their money, like a Superhood guy showing his money on Instagram, and I actually count it.

And I actually significantly more money than I have. I'm like, I know this is just. a guy flexing hundreds, but I'm like, that is in that picture, that is way more money than I have. That is my net worth. Yeah. In his hands. Yeah. But we're talking about debates.

Yeah, I don't know. I think, uh, yeah, who cares about that? I want to watch the vice presidential one. Who's Kamala's vice guy? I don't think she's selected. It could be you. Could be me. Could be any of us. Could be any of us. What if it's like Toby McGuire? I'll be so sick.

And he's just up there like they ask him a question he doesn't he thought you were putting me in a movie haven't been in a movie in 15 years he's just not a good actor my favorite I like my favorites they have these bad Spider-Man ones

where they'll clip like Aunt May talking and she's like Peter I hope you're having a lovely day and they'll mix it with brothers he's like you fucking whore I fucking hate you and she starts like crying because it's clipped for like a different It's so weird when a child act

Like Toby O'Guard As a young man Was like such a famous actor And then it's like if you don't like Become like the same thing happened with Haley Joel Osmond You're like you're not like a man now Yeah

You just look like an old boy It's just fucking like weird And they already made that movie Yeah Dude I remember like hard to watch them do anything I remember being so I saw brothers And then I was in college I was taking so much

Adderall that I thought Trump was going to put us into a war I was I was completely losing my mind in college and I there's like three years of like probably moments of genuine psychosis I feel like also just being in college like college is a very anti Republican environment

well I was just like dude they're bringing the draft back and I was on Adderall I'm like but my brother's flat footed so he's not going to go and then he's going to fucking bang my girlfriend I had this whole scenario and I was like fuck dude Why did Trump have to get elected?

Now my flat-footed brother is going to be fucking my girl friend. Dude, if they brought the draft back, the fucking, the shit that could get you out of it now, like the list would be way longer than it was, like, Vietnam. You could just be like, I have trauma or something. Yeah. I'm sure they would add a whole bunch of shit like that. Yeah. Well, like, you didn't have to, you wouldn't have to shoot yourself in the toe anymore.

No, or like jump off a bridge and keep your knees locked. That's people used to do that in Vietnam. Oh, really? To, like, break both their legs. Jesus. They wouldn't have to go to Vietnam. Why don't you just kiss a dude? Yeah, why don't you just...

That's how homophobic. People who are like, dude, I'm going to break both my legs before kissing a guy. That's how Lenny Bruce got out of the military. He just started, like, cross-dressing. Oh, really? And they kicked him out of the military. And he was like, why doesn't everyone do this? Yeah, that is the easiest way to not be in the military.

Maybe we would have won the Vietnam War if Lenny Bruce was there to, like, liven up the troops. everyone to do that. Yeah, what about here? His whole thing was he'd just call people with different racial slurs, but he's like, but I'm a Mek, conge, whatever. And he'd be like, aren't we all even? Like, there's that one

video of him, it's like, he's like, he's fucking peep, peep, peep, hey, Lenny Bruce. I'm the first man to do comedy. I invented the joke. The first man to talk in a microphone. I was trying to look up like, who were the best

public speakers ever? Because I don't know if I love stand-up as much is public speaking. I 100% agree. Wait, what is that? The best private speakers. The guy is going to know he's really bad in crowds,

but you get one-on-one at this politician. He's fucking lovely. Your pussy looks amazing. He's so good at that. But you agree with the public. Like public speaking is interesting. Yeah, like a good speaker.

Yeah. It's way more interesting than a stand-up comedian. Now that we've done comedy, I think. Could you give me like an example? You watch a great commencement speech

For a college Oh my God, dude, yeah It can be really good Yeah Jim Carrey has one He's like I was My dad was shot by Ten Wolves

And I was like You know, I had no money But then I decided to act And that was a better life He has one where I love I do love people who made it With insane Yeah his dad was shot by 10 wolves

That's what How did he overcome that? His dad didn't not his dad died, but he overcame his dad being, well, he actually was exposure therapy, where he, he put a gun in a wolf's hand and put it to his temple. And said, I'm not afraid he would anymore, you fucking wolf. Yeah, Louis had nine of your friends and then we'll talk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but the, uh, Louie has a commencement speech? It's like a, uh, it's like an award recognition. Oh, one for Carlin's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, but I agree, but like, it is very funny when people who are naturally insane, like, Jim Carrey is different than like, like, Louis C.K. is a perfect example. somebody who's not naturally insanely talented.

He's a smart guy who's brilliant, but he worked really hard at stand-up. Like, Jim Carrey, like, going to a college and be like, you guys can all be silly, you're like, yeah, yeah. And so you can, I'm like, no, no, no, you are, like, insanely, like, naturally talented. You can't just, like, influence this whole college

to do what they want to. Yeah. But, to be fair, half the people will do like whatever they want to do for, like, three years and then quit, and then the other half will, like, stick to their dreams or whatever. Yeah. That's life.

Yeah, yeah. But Louis at Carlin's, fucking incredible. Yeah, the Russian story about like... That's a different thing. That's a different. I'm thinking of that one. Yeah. I would listen to the Louis one before I start I'm like, I'm such a fucking comedian. Just like look at the mirror, like driving a car, like an open mic with six

people at like a Margaritaville bar in Florida. I'm like, dude, I'm a fucking comic. Like I fucking tell it how it is. I didn't choose this life. It chose me. Nothing I can do but be the best there ever was. I'm hot blood in the damn weird Dude I was so lame when I first got to stand it

I remember just being like dude fucking philosopher dude I just like I'm a tell it how it is Yeah I was lucky because like where I started I was like oh nobody is going to make it here Like because I was in upstate New York I was like oh nobody's like A lot of these people are old and they're not going to leave this town

Yeah So when I started it was kind of just like like fun in games, like just like meeting people hanging out. And then when I got to New York and like started like stopped bombing, then I was like, yeah, this is, I'm going to do it. I'm going to make it. Yeah. When I started, it was similar.

By the time I did my first open mic, I was like, oh, this is just something people identify with. Yeah. The 99% of people, it never becomes anything for them. but they just talk about it like it's who they are because it makes it feel good. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I started my first one was in Orlando. I remember I called my dad crying the next day. I was like, this is what I want to do with the rest of my life. I love it so much. That's so funny because I called my,

did you bomb? No, I fucking, I crashed my first three sets because I brought all my friends out and I thought I was so good at stand-up. And then my fourth one, I brought no friends. It was just at this pool ball

where like nobody was listening. And I was like, my mom got my dickpicks through the I cloud and be like, just no egg bomb is so fucking hard. And I was like, oh, I'm going to stop bringing my friends out because it's clearly like, yeah. Oh, yeah.

My first time I did well, and I probably did like three minutes or something like that, but it was like a music open mic and I just did comedy. And I was like, this is my first time, you know, and like they, they like laughed because I was like trying and whatever. And then I went back two weeks later and I ate so much shit. I walked like between 12 and 15 people. Oh, my God. in like a five minutes set. And they had to walk like past me. It was one of those stages that's

like right next to the door. So I'm just like watch. I'm like, oh no. And I got off stage and I called my mom and I was like, I want to do comedy. Like this is so much fun. It made me like so happy that people were so upset. I was like, oh, that was cool. That is awesome. Do you remember I remember my first jokes very well. I had the hackiest joke about putting my dick by like the Empire State Building to like make it look bigger. Then I had one where I was like, my girlfriend wants me to reenact the porn she watches. I want to look like the guys in the videos, but I'm not comfortable doing blackface. It was just like, I came to New York and like 19 people had that joke and I was like, oh, I guess I'm not a comedic genius.

Yeah, I did my, I don't remember the first set. I remember the second set. I did this whole thing about the 10,000 hours. and be like, I guess I'm a professional at taking a shit. But I'm not a professional at wiping my ass. That's pretty funny. That's funny. That's better than, dude.

I had the worst Anne Frank joke. I was like, I bet Anne Frank's. I remember I did this at Open mic one time. This is the worst set of my whole entire life. I still remember this so clearly. It's a place called the Falcon in Orlando. And it was a music open mic, and they give you like 15 minutes or something insane like that. And I get on stage and I'm like, I bet Anne Frank's clitoris.

was hard to find. And I go for the microphone and I try to touch it. And the microphone stand just falls over. And somebody just goes, Jesus Christ. Hey, dude. That's like not a terrible joke, but the mic- It's a terrible joke.

Well, then I was like, because Anne Frank was hard to find. Yeah, I like that joke. And then I reach, and then the microphone falls over like three more times. And like, there's something with the legs that were fucked them and just kept falling down.

Yeah. Was it the ones that, like if you lift up the legs just go straight and then it's like an octopus thing. Yeah, it was terrible, dude. And people were just having such a bad time. I walked people and then I left the stage and then the host of the open mic

got so mad at me. He's like, you fucking never leave the stage of empathy. Do you understand me? You never do that. And I'm just like, I'm sorry, man. And then he was bragging outside about how he's used every slur on stage. He's like, yeah, dude, I've said every fucking word, dude.

I've said the N word. I've said fagg. I've said everything. I don't even care, dude. Oh, man. We didn't have a lot of like slurs where I started. I remember I used one one time

and everyone was like, don't do that. It's like, it's comedy. You can't stop me. I didn't use the one. Yeah, I've seen the one used a couple times. I've never once seen it used good at all. Yeah, it's not a... The funny is though, as I've said it before,

but I love when you're at like a show. I've said this too many times, but you hear the N-word and you think it's a white guy on stage. You turn around. It's just like a really nerdy black guy. and you're like, oh, okay. Okay. Though we're going to just split the room on based on race and the whole fight. I guess I have to defend every white guy.

Yeah. Yeah. I, uh, starting out was, it was a lot of fun. Like, I'd have to drive to like Saratoga and stuff. Yeah. And do mics. But there was like this cigar shop in Saratoga. I've been there.

Oh, you know the shop? It's pretty sweet. Like, you just sitting there and they have like a baseball game on and stuff. So I'd like go. and do the mic, and it was always like a hot room, it was a really good, have you done stand up there? No. It's like, what is it called?

I don't remember. But, yeah, and then I would just go and smoke a cigar, and I was like, yeah, baby, I'm Bill Burr. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember me and Carney, because me and Dan Carney started together, we do, like, there was one mic that was fucking sick, it was on campus,

basically in, like, it was a comedy night at a club down under. It was, like, on the college campus. There was, like, probably like, Probably like 100 people would watch. And then we would kill at that open mic and then just go out to like bars and be like, dude, we're so, we're fucking stars in this town. Just get fucking wasted.

And I'd bring my girlfriend out and she'd be so fucking embarrassed, dude. Because I'd have these jokes about how like, yeah, I like watching fart porn because you can come and laugh at the same time. And then you're like some dumb thing like that. And then all of her friends are like sitting there with her. And she's just like clearly so embarrassed. And I'm like, I've fucking awesome. I've never brought anyone I knew to any open. the mic.

The first show I did was a bringer, so I had to, but before that or after that, I was like, I always discouraged people I knew from coming. Do you remember the Steve Aaron's bringers? Oh, yeah. Dude, this guy is horrible.

He told me I was very good at coming. Yeah, yeah, it happened to be. Me too. The first show I do. So for the, I don't think listeners know, bringers, like you can,

if you're an open mic or you can bring people out and then you can perform or some auditions. Like, you could be a full-time commitment. But if you just, some places you can only audition. you bring people. But this guy would just,

no actual plug into the club at all. He was just this small, gay, old Jewish man. Ripped. You just jacked out of his mind. And he'd be like, could you do a good Steve? I can't do a good Steve.

I don't remember what he sounds like. He would be like, I was picturing being like, Hey, boss! He were pretty great up there. Yeah. Do you want to work this club again? Yeah.

Well, the funniest thing you'd pull you to aside and he'd bring you into the kitchen of Grange Village, be like, hey, he's like, I think you're really talented. How'd you like? to do a show at Broadway comedy club. You just got to bring some people and you'd be like, yeah.

And then I brought like six people and then I like, I had a great set and he's like, you're going to be a star. I can tell. And I was like, fuck yes, dude. And then I hear him say to five different people. You're going to be a star. And I was like, God damn it. And then the net, he kept talking me into it. He kept, he'd be like, I already got you signed up for two weeks from now. All you got to do is, you know, this time you got to bring five people and I was big of the deal. I, uh, I went up after denim to back at one of those. And I remember, like, denim, like, he had like a good step,

but it was like really up and down. It was like kind of crazy. And then like I went up after. And after I went, after I got off, people were like, did you see what denim did like on stage? And everyone was like,

and I was like, no. And he was like, yeah, he had a, he went up without shoes on. And he had a shoe box. And he was asking everyone to guess what was seen. That is so fucking funny. That is the best.

bit I've ever fucking heard. Dude, he would do, like, really funny stuff like that. Like, just really funny, random. But you don't know what was the shoebox? One day he just, like, went up on stage and just started singing, like, the jingles from, like, different, like, restaurants and stuff. And, like, laying on the floor, like, singing and running into the audience. I'm like, this dude rules. He is really.

I gotta get him on the pod. Yeah, he's a fun guy. He's a funny guy, yeah. Yeah, there was, uh, yeah. That's battle on that. That's all I have to say about that. You guys see a toasty in here? Yeah, you guys seen you scary movies since I left down?

Did we see a scary movie? That was my first scary movie I've seen in theaters since paranormal activity. Wow. Yeah, I saw Nope in theaters. That doesn't really count. Yeah, that's not too scary. I was, I was, I was, about long legs? Long legs.

And then I went into the woods with my family afterwards. And, dude, there was literally a doll in the house house. Like, hey. I'm not. I almost took a picture of it, but the fucking, I left my phone. You almost took a picture of it, but you're too busy murdering your family. It's a long legs joke. Pause the podcast, watch the movie Long Legs.

Now hop back in, okay? Now that you've seen Long Legs, you're going to get all these. But it's deep in the woods and like the house I was staying and didn't have one, but we went to a house on the same property. So like, probably like, I don't know, what would be equivalent to two blocks away and like literally identical to the ones of the movie. like a doll like this tall and I was like we should have gotten one of those when he was away oh my god put it in his room you're like dude guess what this nun dropped off oh my god feeling kind of itchy yeah kind of murdery patty can you help me in the kitchen that is a sure yeah sure jake and then i'll stay in the kid what did they say and then i'll murder mike

No, I'm, or something. And then I'll or something with Michael. Dude, the fucking, yeah, the, that would be a good symptom in a horror movie. Like, the first thing you feel is an itch. You feel itchy. Because everybody, like, I don't even know if I have poison abbey right now or if I'm just fucking itchy. Yeah, I'm always itchy. Yeah, especially somebody, like, mentions it.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, I am fucking. When I take my stockings off after a long day? That'd be a good horror movie, the itchy. And you just keep getting it. itchier and itchy. Just chill. I'm so itchy. Put some cream on it.

What are you crazy? Apparently it feels really good to do crystal meth. Itch around. Itching does feel really good. Yeah. That's why they refer to good things about scratching that itch. Dude, I'll tell you, I'll get my thighs going. And it's like, I can't stop once I get it going.

It's like a dog when you hit that spree. spot right about the tail. Because there's so much surface area. You can just like, yeah. I might get a post, like a big scratching post. I'm fucking near like you're like when you get like an itchy asshole.

You scratch your asshole. Dude, yeah. How do you get in there? You finger your bottle. Dude, you go with is, do you put the finger in or is their underwear in the way?

I sharpen my nails first. You start spinning it. Yeah. Until a corkscrew. Dude, that happened to me recently. I think I was out doing shit. I had like two shows that night. So I was like, I'm going to be out for a while.

I'm just going to have the itchy as fucking. And you basically have to like finger your butthole with your underwear. Yeah. It's the worst fucking thing. I'm just imagining my asshole security detail. Shooting me on site because I scratched my own ass. Yeah. And I don't like that the answer to that is there's just shit on your ass.

It was not wiped. I know. I don't know what. My asshole is somehow getting deeper or something. Like, it's hard. That's because you're getting smarter. You're developing as a human.

Your asshole. Deep is deeper. Dude, I used to be able to wipe my asshole. And I was like, that's just a clean asshole. Now I'm like, I think it's like your cheeks are getting bigger,

which is also a very nice thing. I'm getting bigger cheeks. Yeah. Be able to saucy your boy. Because when your cheeks get bigger, then it becomes like an, an exploration to get in there. Maybe that's what's happening because it used to be like I'd wipe my ass or I think maybe it's just the shits I'm taking because I'm taking in so much protein and cream.

Yeah. I just, people call them permanent marker shits where you just keep wiping and then yeah. Like Kim, Kim Kardashian would have to use like a pillow to wipe that thing. Yeah, that is crazy. Could you imagine that? It's like, it's like washing a window. All cheeks. Because her cheeks are so close together. So when she shits, she just shits like a fax machine. She has a butler that wipes her asshole, though, for sure. Butler, yeah. An assler. The crackler.

He just wipes your brother. Thank you, Mrs. Kim. Yeah. I like to think everybody's as gross as me. That makes me feel good. I just had to take a bag on. I know. And you were really carrying this thing.

And then you hit the vape and it's all over. It's all right, dude. Nobody listens. Nobody listens past this. this far. Well, my feet are now my feet are out, but... Oh, that's true, dude. People are listening. There's somebody commented,

we're all in here for the same reason, smiley face, and I'm like, because you like my content? Yeah. But it was nice, I don't know, I love just going out in the woods, my... It is nice, I disguise drinking a bunch with family time. I'm like, this isn't boozing. This is like

spending quality time, but I'm just getting wasted with my family. I think it is good to get drunk as a family, though. Yeah, it's great, dude. We went down, we have like a swimming hall, so we like went there, Drake there. We watched Shrek, and every time you watch that movie, you're like, holy fuck. It gets better and better. That movie is, they like tapped into something incredible. How do we not know who made Shrek?

That guy's name should be known. Yeah. Because it's like you watch that movie and you're just like, yes! You're like, this is the fucking best movie. It's so funny. It's so heartwarming. Like, the story is interesting. My fucking favorite part of it goes, they judge me before they even get to know me.

You're just like, damn, dude. Judge me before they got on a home. God damn, Shrek. How many times you got to wipe that ass? Donkey. I don't know where to go with this bit. Yeah, there was, I'm glad he's so much better than Chris Farley. You ever listen to Chris Farley ones?

And you're like, yeah. No, I like don't want to. I almost like, like, Chris Farley is like disappearing in my. he's been dead so long he's almost gone. I think he's a daily talented, but I never liked him as much as people liked him.

He was dead before I knew so I didn't get to like... Oh man, watching like best of Chris Farley on... SNL. It's fucking. It's so good. It's insane.

I had like a DVD of all those sketches when I was a kid and I was... I don't think any SNL anything has made me laugh at all. You know what is really funny though?

The people that talk about the Chip-Bidale sketch and they're like, that's what broke him. I'm like, come up here. That's like his worst sketch, too.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's just him dancing as a bad guy. People are like, this is why he turned to the heroin. And you're like, okay, chill. Someone said that was like his idea, that sketch. Yeah, I don't know. Somebody's just like, it's fucking, I could see the look that broke him. And I'm like, really dancing like a fat fun guy?

I don't see how that's fuck good. He would like run down the street like without any clothes on and just be like screaming and parading around and like everyone would be like, this guy is the most fun. Yeah, yeah. He's just an orb of laughter drifting through the universe. Dude, you fucking drink with that guy had to be phenomenal. Make sure you write that

quote down if you're listening. I like... Orb of laughter, drifting through the universe. Write down on Patty's tombstone. I love the, his family was like everybody of us

and now came to his family. They're like, he needs to get sober and they're like, no. No, we're a drinking family. Yeah, they drink, dude. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, it's the fucking Midwest, right?

Isn't that like a thing there? Yeah. Everybody's just proud of it. It's just like jolly. Irish people. His whole family is just big, fat, jolly Irish people. Except Kevin. He wasn't all that jolly.

Well, your brother dies. It's what happens. Yeah, I guess so. Your brother dies and you have to take all his stage time. He's, like, in death from stage time. He, like, owes hours to the stage. His brother has to reluctantly do the Chippendale sketch. Lauren's like, Lauren might have to, like,

Take your shirt off. He's just crying, dancing around him. I'm not even this guy. Trying to just be a good dancer. Do I... I shook when I should have shimmied. He died so bad. Didn't he, wasn't it, uh, it was, he died speedballing, right?

With a hooker or something like badass like that. Yeah. Yeah. Speedballing is heroin cocaine. Yeah, but I think he did, I think he was like, uh, I think it was, uh, I think it was perks and coke, which is like a kind of I think you've been awake for a few days just doing all that stuff.

How did Farley die? Please cut this dead airtime, Paxton. Paxton, don't cut it. I swear to God. Cocaine and morphine, so it's not... Oh my God. Dude, that's so awesome. That's like insane.

That's like hard to even... You know Molli Cruz plant? He's just fat as fuck, just banging a hooker. Yeah, just like donuts. everywhere. Hookers and donuts and speedball. God damn. Yeah. I refuse to believe that that is completely empty. There's a little bit of living on the edge now that you got to be like, there's got to be some part of you that's like I, like, you do that every day. It becomes a problem. But the first time you do cocaine, morphine, fucking a hooker in a hotel, there's got to be

that. God damn. Well, the first time you do, that's why you keep doing it until it kills you. Yeah, it's because the first time you're like, this is great. Yeah, this is the greatest thing ever. Yeah. I can, I feel that way when I eat like peanut butter pandemonia. You're like, this is the exact same thing. I'm going to die on a toilet eating this. My friend, one of my friends has like such a fast digestive tract and it like runs in his family.

And I guess like his brother like one time was like eating Chinese food on the toilet while shitting. And I don't know if that was like a previous shit, you know, that was just we started shooting order the Chinese food. Yeah, pinched it off.

Are there his family? Are they like really skinny? Yes. And this brother was. Yeah. This brother was. This brother was. I don't know.

I could never eat and shit at the same time. That's like, you took a shit in there earlier and I brought a muscle milk to drink in while I piss. Not like intentionally, but I was like, you know, I kind of want to drink this muscle again. I got to piss that. I just like, I can't do this together. All of the, like, original toilets were for, like, royalty.

So they would have, like, trays and stuff on them. So you could, like, eat and do stuff. That's so funny. The hemorrhoids must have been out of control. It's like the shit you were eating out. It was like a turkey leg with your bare hands. I've been in medieval times. I know how they do things.

I had a hemorrhoid for, like, two weeks and went away a few days ago. Me too. That's not. Oh. Runs of the apartment. We're synced up. Yeah. We get our butt periods at the same time.

We're not ending this way. This is the male scene. This is the last thing I wanted to discuss. I don't want to get into this at all. There's certain topics. I'm going to tell it how it is guys. Usually an itchy ass is an indicator. We're not doing hemorrhoids today.

All right. It's, hey, it's his bud. We'll go to get on news from bed and do a hemorrhoid. Yeah, tomorrow. Look, your program, fine. You know? Yeah. Maybe this was, to be fair, though,

This is probably how people are going to know it's a different episode than the last one. They've listened this far. But also, I hope my listeners are listening. No, well, last time I said something about something, I'm not going to say what it is. If you almost threw up on the couch. Oh, yeah, we're not talking. I'm not talking about that the other day. I was like, I should have just kept going for content.

It would have said, it would have been good for your podcast. If you were going to say, it would have saved the podcast. You think this is a fucking burning chip? You think this is a drowning ship? It's on the up and up. Yeah, it is on the up. I think it's getting better. But right now, news from bed and morning good podcast, we need something.

We need something to, like, propel us, you know? Yeah, yeah. And me throwing up probably would be helpful. I think it would be helpful. Maybe I'll drink a gallon of milk on the next episode. And then you start talking about whatever you're fucking talking about. That would be something. We're not going to talk about the thing, but we'd have to, like, put down some tarp or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, like, so obvious from the jump that someone's going to think. throw out. The whole set looks different. I've been itchy recently. I think I might have poison. I mean. Michael has like a cartoonish spiral of this.

Yeah. Yeah. That's where we're going to end. Hell yeah. Thank you for tuning in. By the way, tune in the news from bed because I'm going to be on that tomorrow. Yeah. Are you?

I do. You said, come on. I don't have to. Oh, okay. I can find something else to do. You could come up. I do have Frankie. This is an after podcast.

talk. I also love how I started testing the mics by saying, you ever feel like you're wearing a mask of yourself? That's up, Jake, Joe, from or anything? Are you back on Instagram? No. Okay. Yeah, stay off that.

Peace.