Morning Good - Liquor Pitcher Wednesday - Episode 206

Episode Date: January 28, 2024

Ben Herwitz and Jamell Sirleaf join the show for today's episode. They talk about gambling legalization, Dick's Last Resort in PCB, Florida, and losing your virginity in the bleachers of a high school football stadium.Thanks to Ben and Jamell for coming on the show for the first time and being great guests. Make sure to check them out at their links down below and give them a follow.Ben Herwitz is on Instagram @benherwitzcomedian  and co-hosts The Rewrite podcast with Nick Callas. Jamell Sirleaf is on Instagram @jamellsirleaf and co-runs Coming To America the first Friday of every month in Astoria, Queens.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the earth. Thanks. Oh, wait, on start up. Welcome to morning. Let's go. All right, we're here with Jamel. Surleaf? Yeah, what's up?

I fucking nailed it. Yeah, there we go. And Ben Hurwitz. Yep. All right, sweet. You're going home and Brad. You hear the, so much. You have these two ethnic names.

Yeah, that is hilarious. Crushed it. Yeah. Dude, because I've started the podcast and had, and completely forgot, like, how to pronounce the last name. I was like, fuck, dude.

You're good. Especially, you're half Indian, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those ones can be fucking, those names are fucking impossible. Like, hosting, I'm just like, like, I brought up the wrong guy before,

because I literally was like, I saw the guy in the room, and I was like, I'm not even close to pronouncing his name. I'm going to pretend. This is so fucked up. I'm like, I just brought up Malia Simon. And I was like, dude, I thought you left the room. And I just lied to the guy's face.

but yeah. Yeah, thank God my name is not like Vivek or some shit like that. Jamel's easy. Surly, easy, phonetic, right? Yeah. Dude, Vivek is so, he annoys me. I don't know.

He's got this like posh kind of cuntiness to him. It's very annoying. Oh, yeah. He's a fake. He's like one of those like brown people that they grew up with like only all privileges and then he's like convincing himself that he also is.

I don't know. White America. No, Vivek, the dude who was running for president. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. I don't even, I'd be honest, though, I'm over here. I was talking.

How much shit. This guy fucking sucks. It's our deli guy. That would be a terrible thing to do, but it would be funny to just only have a podcast where you only talk shit about other guys. I couldn't believe it. I was like,

we're just shitting on a guy who like does spots. Anyway, I'll see him tonight at the comments on here. Some random Indian guy who is spots. Yeah, I do remember. Yeah. Yeah. You remember him like he's gone.

Yeah, dude. No, he's dead, right? I mean, they killed. He sold his soul, man. It's crazy. Yeah, no, he's a scary little guy. I mean, he's got a lot to prove. and I don't know.

At this point, if you're running for president, you have to be Vec. You have to be as crazy as a guy like that. I feel like I saw a really funny video of him recently. I can't even remember what it was. The Eminem thing was funny to like... Yeah. Like, one thing I do hey is I do think Eminem is kind of annoying and lame now.

Like that Trump video he made was kind of like lame where he's just like, oh. Like it's like, why are you rapping again? Like, you know what I mean? It's like kind of lame. But also having Eminet, like, lose yourself playing. at like a presidential protest. Like him just being like

it's such a grime. My palms are sweaty. He's like fucking just out there. It's like no, you're speaking in like a suit about Paul. Like you know what I mean? It's not like, his whole thing is in like,

he reminds me of like those dudes that go on Shark Tank with a shitty idea and then ask for like a billion dollars. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, 100%. No, totally. No, he's like,

he's like a really impet he's like obviously smart, but he's got like, he's got too much financial. Someone decided this guy needs money for some reason. It's like people invested too much money in him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sounds like my parents. He should know, yeah. He should have lost more. He's won a lot. I think that's the problem. Like, maybe he, like, went to a private school and didn't get beat up and not. Like, he's one of those guys. He's like one of those, like Stanford, NBA, like, full, right, whatever.

And then he was the one who was saying that, like, affirmative action is bad and, like, all of their stuff. No, no, he's the kind of guy who goes to Stanford and thinks he's charming because everybody else is so not. Like, everybody's so autistic at Stanford. They're like, this guy's cool. It's like, in most schools, you're dead meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the University of Central Florida, like, you're not even allowed in the party.

They don't even let you in. You're so fucking lame. And then at Stanford, he's in, like, the good frat. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, he's like, dude, that is the thing. I knew a guy in, like, an Ivy League fraternity. Yeah, he was a total fucking dweeb.

But in his mind, he was like, well, I was in it. And it's like, yeah, but you're a nerd. Like, it's like, sometimes I never is shaken. Cool at that school is not cool at every other school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or any place on the planet. And he walks into a 7-11, and he's not cool. I said that the wrong way.

Cool of that school is not cool in the world. General population thinks that dweeb. That might be the least cool thing you can do is being a fraternity in an Ivy school. If you're in a frat at MIT, you better like never interact with anyone who doesn't go to MIT to the rest of your life. Dude, I tried to go to one of those parties.

Because I went to school in Boston. I tried to go to an MIT party, and they had a sign-up sheet. And I was like, I'm out of here. What? Sign-up sheet? They have a table like this out front of the party and they were like signing people up

and you'd put like your name. Dude, that's hilarious. I'm gonna have so much fun at a party. I don't want my name anywhere near it. No. That's how you know you're gonna be fun. If like my name, yeah, there should be no recollection of me being.

Who goes to a party looking for like a footprint after? Yeah, yeah. Zero evidence. I want to be able to leave here and know my sins are in there. At a school like that, they're like fingerprinting. Oh, yeah. And then they also, they do like narkey party on the planet.

Yeah. They do an aptitude test before you go in. Like, I don't even know if you could have a conversation with these people. You shouldn't even... You have to submit a common app. Yes. And also, on Eminem, the thing that went wrong in his life is that he didn't die. Oh, do you have to show?

Dude, I agree. He shouldn't die. I kind of agree. When? When would he... What do you mean? Like, years ago, what do you tell? Like, he's the kind of guy, like, if he died at that roughly, like, 27 or what?

Like, after he had a few good albums. He went downhill because he lived somehow. Do you know what I mean? That's a great point. He's addicted to basically oxy cotton or some sort of percocet. He was a big addict. He was doing a lot of pills and somehow lived through it. If he just died, he would have been alive.

You guys, Jimmy Hendrix. Yeah. That's a great fucking point. And also, it's so cool to get shot as a rapper. Yeah. That's the coolest thing. That's kind of one of the biggest things you could do for the career. If Emin gets shot by a black guy.

You can fucking kidding me? It's interesting because I thought of it both ways. I thought, wait, what? Because you guys prepped this before? Yeah. I played up. Didn't do your MIT homework before. I wasn't thinking about like destinaries for Eminem.

Dude, once you mentioned him, like, that's fine. You thought about it. I thought about it. I thought, okay,

there's like the, the white side that hated Eminem because there were like those like kind of race people. They were like, oh, you're a fucking, he aggravated a lot of people. Yeah,

yeah, I think it's called a race trader. I'm not. That's, that's, yeah, yeah, but that's like what that was,

that whole aspect. And then, but then you could have like a, like a, like a black Israelite or like a Dr. Umar side of it. Oh yeah. Well, they had to get rid of him because he's the plan. Or both of them get together and two bullets. Hit Eminem at the same time.

Yeah. It's crazy unity. Yeah, what if Eminem's just like the martyr for, you know, racism in America? That would be awesome. If he got shot, it kind of would bring people together because now it started dividing people. I've seen a lot of people be like, oh, fuck Eminem. Yep, because he like took another genre. And then I've seen, there's people like me who are like, I just think he's lame now.

And then there's, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Dude, imagine just like his memorial service. It's just like this Malcolm X, a nation of Islam group walking in while like the clan side by side. Like, lose yourself. Oh my God.

That would be beautifully incredible. Yeah. They probably forgive him after. He died like Jesus. And then everyone's like, you know what? That's what I'm saying. He was a great middle part.

Don't you think? It's nice. Sometimes it's nice when white people do. Yeah. Like Michael Jaggs dad, people like forgot a lot about the pedophiles. until that documentary came out. So like whatever you've done wrong, if you die, it makes you look good.

Honestly, if he was still alive, it would be way worse. Oh, yeah. Way worse. Like Woody Allen should have died. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If Woody Allen was in a freak, I don't know, anxiety accident, attack. Accident. It's a heart attack when the news drops.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, if he just got a really bad cold and died, I think that would have helped his case. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just alive hiding somewhere and people know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not good for people to know you're alive. No, 100%. Because then they want to punish you.

Then they want you to face the consequences. Yeah, and if you're alive for a certain amount of time, you've done enough bad, like, no matter what. Because, like, what, now that Woody Allen and whatever he's done, never been acceptable. But there's a lot of things that were acceptable, like every rock star being like fucking 15 year olds. Yeah.

Back then, people were like, oh, that guy's cool. And now, like, that's not acceptable. But it's because the time, like, you can't live that long. You can't live past your time. Yeah. It's like a time for everybody. Should everybody just die at 50 the latest? Well, here's the thing.

I think if you've obviously peaked, you should be like, how am I gonna, how am I gonna go? So I should have killed myself in high school. I was gonna say, like, I'm thinking like, damn, when should, am I there now? Especially in art. Like, because you, or someone who does something that's like vaguely artistic,

you're probably repeating the thing that you've done a million times at a school. Totally. Eminem did that, of course. Yeah. M&M, like, made some very good stuff. I think was considered a very talented guy. And now people are like, is he still angry somehow?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He owns like seven houses and he's angry. What is he angry about it? He had like a gun protest song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's very politically active for like a rapper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's black rappers that are politically active.

That's like for obviously a specific reason. He's like on the... Because he doesn't have that. No, he doesn't have like a racial component. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, he's like looking around to the white people like, Right? Everyone's like, I don't know.

I actually on the other side. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel bad for him, man. Damn. No, no, because you really can't win. You can't win. Now I'm thinking about it. Like, yeah, how do you be cool at?

You can't keep rapping in like, you can't be subversive when you have a restaurant named after, like something in a song. You know, like Mom Spaghetti? You know, he's a restaurant called Mom Spaghetti. So there's one line in one song that he did, and he makes food based on, that and it's like, and he's like, yeah, and fuck

the government. It's like, people are buying your stupid spaghetti that you make. Your bad spaghetti sandwich. There's no way it's good spaghetti. There's no, people go. And nobody cool is doing it either. Like, I would do it, but I'm lame in those ways. I'd be like, oh my God, did you just like the song?

People go as a novelty. They don't go because they like it. They go once. Because they think it's like kind of cool that even. Yeah, like, oh. How fun. How, how how many repeat customers are like, like, a loyal base. Zero. I never been to Detroit. I feel like it's not known for food.

I don't think it really is. Yeah. But I saw what he, during one of the football games, the Detroit Lion game, they showed like his food. It's literally spaghetti in bread. It's like spaghetti in a sandwich. I'm like, spaghetti sandwich.

I mean, that's like disgusting. That's not even, that's, I, you think that sounds good? I'm a garbage per-like, I like shit like that. I used to put, I used to go to steak and shake, drunk as fuck. I love steak and shit. Dude, so good. Stank and shake is great.

But I would put, start pouring the milkshake on the burger. I'm just like an indulgent piece of shit, dude. Okay, yeah. No one monitored you why you ate as a kid, did they? No, they did. I think I've gone the other way. Yeah, my parents were like, my mom was kind of like, we're not going to eat garbage.

And then because of that, when you, when you got older, then you went crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I watch Man versus Food. I like, I like, I love Man versus Food. I like, I watch it and I go like, could I, I, I'm guessing if I could do it. I'm like, could I eat an omelet wrapped inside seven pancakes?

What's my strategy? And you have seven minutes. Yeah. That's the problem. It's like, if I had a whole. day I could do this. Yeah, easily. They're like, the time. You got 20 minutes to eat 17 pounds of pancakes.

Yeah. But that excites me. I like the idea. I like Korean barbecue and try to put the, uh, the Korean people out of business. I love that. Oh, yeah. That's why you do it. Fuck these cream. It's a team of people and they go restaurant to restaurant. Yeah. And they do all you can eat until they clean them out.

It's like 1.30. They're like, fuck. We have no money. Yeah. I love the idea that this Spaghetti thing sounds not good. Yeah, no, I get that. But I also, I do have... I would try it. I would try it. Oh, no, of course I would.

Yeah, I do love themed restaurants. My buddy was in town, and we ended up just going to strip clubs because we wanted to do something fun. Like, last time he was in town, it was like Mother's Day. We went to a strip club on like Mother's Day because, like, this would be fun. Like, it's funny and also fun. Yeah, dark. Yeah.

Yeah. And fun. Well, and then we went to D.C., like, I went to visit him in D.C. And I was like, he came here, and I was like, I would love to go to just like a restaurant where people on roller skates, like a... like a public, I want to go to, I've never been to Dick's last resort. Are they just mean to you? Have you heard of this? No, I've heard of it, yeah. The whole theme, uh, they

Oh, I think I see the video. It's like hooters, but the guys are mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and they're not hot. Instead of having huge tits, they're just assholes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be funny they're mean, and they had huge guys. Yeah. These crazy bulges that are like walking over glassware on you

walking to your table. Like, oh. How's it? You small pecker about this. Is everything you have to be? Why is it to be? Yeah. That's a restaurant for no one. They serve you like...

They just serve you pigs in a blanket, like these little dogs. I've heard of you. I've never been. Is it in Florida? Yeah, Panama City. Okay. And I think they have one in Vegas too. But it's like, yeah, apparently you just go in. The whole theme is that the waiters just roast you the whole time.

And they're just totally mean to you, which is so much fun. Like, I like that. Does it ever cross lines? Yeah, what happened when you went? What was it like? No, no. So I've never bad. I just heard about it.

But I also heard a bunch of comics from Skangfest going. They said there was a problem because. like they weren't prepared for comedians to just come in and start roasting them back. Yeah, yeah. Because they're like, oh, these customers normally like Midwest people are like,

oh, you call me fat. And then there's some comedians like, you're a fucking illusion. You work at a restaurant. Yeah, you serve as interesting, both, go to my water. Yeah. That is the thing about comics.

It's like, sure, like, we're funny. But really, we're just able to be like more accurately mean. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Than most people. More observant. Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, an observational skill is like, carrying everything the shreds. I just noticed all your flaws immediately. Yeah, yeah. You're clocking the flaws. Oh, yeah. And you're like, I'm not going to say anything, but I know.

Deep down. I know that she has dents in her teeth. I can see that. And I don't imagine that the people that's working at this place are like attractive people either. No, probably not. Yeah.

There's no way. So, like, I'm not going to sit here and let this ugly motherfucker I can come here and tell me. I know you're not talking with them teeth. No way. This guy doesn't even have a huge bulge. Yeah, no.

What? You swear. Who's that little bit now? I guess you're the one with the little. I'm stunned that people go to that restaurant. But the novelty, novelty is anything. The complaints have to be funny. It'd be funny than you go to the manager.

The manager's like the top roaster. So like you go to the play. And he's like, oh, okay. I see a family of fatties are going to come in. It's also very funny going and not knowing what it is. Like, there's got to be some guy who's just like, Jesus Christ. Nice looks like a nice one.

Yeah. He takes his mom was like in hospice. He's like, yeah. His mom has cancer. She's just bald getting roasted. Like, what's a professor X? Yeah. That definitely happens.

Oh, yeah. They must, they have to make mistakes. Like, there's no way. Not everybody knows the story behind every restaurant they go to. No, no way. It's like when you go to a show,

like you don't know, like somebody goes in there and then. People are confused. I mean, how often are people confused did a stand-up show. Oh, often. Often, yeah, yeah. Especially at the level

that we're performing. Yeah. There's a couple of ways up performing that I'm like, they're like, oh, they're ready for it, but a couple of days up before and they go, what is this? Yeah, yeah.

Or in favor of the favorite, does you ever see somebody? I don't mean, sorry, I didn't catch you off. No, no, no, no, no, you go. I've had it where I show somebody the showroom. And then they go, hmm.

They're like about to buy tickets. Like, can I take a peek at it? And the comic odd station just happens to be bombing. And they go, and it's so funny, too, You can't tell him like, oh, the next guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, this guy totally sucks. He's a complete pussy's there to stand up. They haven't even brought out all the drinks yet. So, like, no one is even... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, come out with excuses for the club. That's a good idea. Before you show the room to people, you should be like...

This comic sucks. Yeah. I don't like him. I think he's kind of a piece of shit, but the next comic's gonna be really good. So just take this with a grain of salt. There's going to be no noise. Yeah, if it's somebody funny, they're just murdering.

They're like, that's the worst comic of the show. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. So then you can only win. Yeah, you can make a whole lie. Like, he's actually, he's like the nephew of the owner. So, like, we have to put him on stage. But, like, right after this, you'll be done.

Yeah, we're doing him a favor by putting him up. Yeah, yeah. This is really rare. This never happens. Yeah, yeah. I don't like this guy. Yeah, I read. And then you pull the curtains.

You start heckling? Yeah. You know what, actually? Yeah, yeah. Get off the stage. Good show, right? I'm telling you. Yeah.

No, but I want to check it out. Somebody got me with an incredible fucking prank. the other day. This guy, somebody fucked with me so well. I was walking into the grocery store and this guy comes up and he goes, fancy seeing you here. And I didn't recognize him on. I went, yeah, man, good to see. He goes, why'd you do that? Why'd you do that? Why'd you pretend like you knew me? And I was like, I don't know, man. I'm just trying to be nice. Wait, that's just a random person? Yeah, totally random. Oh, I got to do that. Dude, so good. By himself. So this is all just for him. And he goes, no, no, no, no, no.

He goes, well, the first thing he says, he's like, you got to be careful. Okay? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I get it. I was like, I'm just trying to be nights, he goes, dude, I'm obviously just busting your balls. It's really good to see you. I hope everything's been well. And I was like, yeah, man, I got you. He goes, twice. How did I get you twice with this? He just like, ran into Larry David. Like, who is this guy? That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, there's just for his own entertainment.

Is this like a homeless guy? Who the fuck is this guy? No, no, no. The most... It sounds all over the city. I think this guy is schizophrenia. Dude, he was just a, like, the best part is he was the most normal-looking guy I've ever seen, which is why I was like, that's a top-level prank, because he looked like somebody who could be

in anybody's life. Like, he looked like he could have been, like, just normal guy. Like, you know what I mean? He's not like somebody you saw your like, who the fuck. You're like, this guy looks like he was either at an office or he's a comic. Sure. Or he's just normal, most normal looking guy. That dude left his office. It was like, I can't wait. Yeah. He places every day after work. Like, damn, Darrell's pretty excited.

Hey, it's cool if I dip out a little early and try to get some. Yeah, yeah. And then he just went to the grocery store. Yeah. Well, that's a, I can also just imagine, like, trying that out in just, like, trying that out in just, like the wrong place, wrong time, and just getting stabbed. Oh, it's immediately. In New York, like, I was just terrible. In this city, that's not a good idea.

Anyway. No, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to fuck with a stranger. Oh, it's insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just pull out a gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Immediately.

Dude, we were, he's like, you're going to shoot your father. He tumbles down. The guy's like, what? He's such a good mind fucker. He makes the guy think he knows him when he pulls a gun. It's you. He has a vendetta. Oh, yeah, that's hilarious.

But my brother, pull the best boy, he's like, what you should have done is you should have got me like, no, I do know. And like really fucked it and be like, it's kind of fucked up that you don't remember where you know me from and like really convinced him that he knew me. Because everybody could be, yeah, everybody could be convinced they know somebody from somewhere.

Like everybody's good at doing it. Yeah, so yeah. Especially you. Me? Yeah, yeah. I mean, you look like I've seen you before. Oh, I hear that all. Even if I haven't.

You easily could have done that to me and I would have been like, yeah. Yes. It's Christmas. Like, I don't know. You just got that face. No, no. I get them, the most common one I get is people are like,

you are a starter player in a game. You're like just the first format guy that they're putting like a blue t-shirt on. Yeah, I guess this guy. I'm chasing you. Yeah, yeah. That's, we were actually, we were filming the sketch I showed.

We were filming a sketch in like Crown Heights. And this guy walked up to us was like, hey, what are y'all doing the cameras? We're like, we're just, we were so nervous. We were like, I don't know, being goofballs. Like, we're just trying to be funny. He's like, all right, well, he's like, don't go a street over.

We're like, message received. Yeah. Basically, he's like, yo, you take that goofy shit one block. Yeah, you know what? There's not a part of Borat where he goes to, like, the Bronx. That should have been a part of it. Where they just don't even blink. They just start shooting.

Oh, wait, no, you know, I take it back. He goes to the hood in Atlanta. Oh, yeah. That part is pretty funny. He, I have so much back for him for that shit. It's like he had like a fucking, like, for Bruno, he had a tunnel that went down during like that gay. We were talking about this the other day. Yeah.

There's the gay... Have you seen Bruno? Yeah, it's for a while. Yeah, yeah. He goes to like a... He's a little gay for Jamel. Yeah. Yeah.

What's your name? World's changing. I'll pretend to like it if that's what people want. People like it. It's fine, I guess. It is funny that like a comedy was one of the most... That's probably one of the first, like, the earliest gay movies.

Oh, yeah. I'm literally just picturing the opening. I'm just, yeah, that's like... Wasn't he swinging his penis in the opening sequence? Yeah. Dude, that's the best... He does a... It's so...

He does a, like, uh, what's it called? Like, a test screening of a TV show he's pitching. Right. But he's, this is all him in character. So the show is called... It goes, Bruno, thun, do. It's just playing hard techno.

And it's just him swinging his dick. And it's just like a test screening with people like, old white guys like, I don't like it. It's not for me. The test screenings got to be amazing. It is funny, though, because I was talking about, like, like, pranks are a borderline, just harassment.

Like, half a format, Borat is sexual harassment. Yes. They can be bad. Did you do senior pranks in high school? Not really. Nothing significant. No, dude.

But I had a really good, I did a lot of pranks in middle school. High school, I was on a lot more Adderall. So I kind of just locked in with school. And I wasn't, like, during school hours, I was way less silly than I was, like, in middle school. But it's same here. I mean, I wasn't doing Adderall, but I was just less silly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that happens sometimes.

I was a goofball. I was getting trouble. I wish I'd had more fun in high school. I was just, I don't know why. You know, there's, like, competitiveness, and you get, like, freaked out about your life. I'm just like, and then looking back, I'm like, I didn't do it. What the fuck wasn't I? See, I, I remember, I was, like, trying to fuck people.

Yeah. I wasn't. Yeah. You look back and like, dude, I had no sex. Yeah. Yeah. I should have been out there. I did get horrible advice one time.

Somebody, this cool lifeguard I knew told me he's like, you gotta wait until you meet somebody you love to have sex. And I did that, or I tried to do that. And then I ended up just fucking somebody random. And I got so mad because I was like, yeah, I was like, I had an option. I could have lost it at 14. It would have been so much cooler and the rest of my life, now I have to say 16. And it's dumb that I care about that.

But I love the look. I love overhearing conversations where you hear somebody be like, I lost my Virginia at 13. Everybody's like, ooh, that's early. Yes. And they're like, you know it is. It's like that little bit of like, yeah. Yeah, because in your mind you're like, fucking, this guy's got awesome. Yeah, because no matter what, you know that like this is a sexual divient.

Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Well, but at that age, you have no perspective. So anything you hear, you're like, oh, maybe that's a good idea. You take everything seriously. Yeah, yeah. Which is really silly. So that guy's advice was like, if you heard that night, you'd be like, what a sappy, what a fang.

This guy sucks. This guy's fucking, this guy's lame. Why is he talking to a high school kid about love? But at that age, you're like, oh, I guess that's how you're supposed to do it. And then you actually did it. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Well, it was a nice guy and a cool guy in a lot of extent.

But it's like, it's how we do, because I think, I think there are negative side effects to telling people that your virginity should be somebody you love. Because then every high school girl gets drunk and fuck somebody and then just feels horrible. Yeah, I'm gonna say, there's another side of it. Like, I knew a lot of girls in high school that they would get drunk and lose their virginity and they'd be like, so sad. They're like, this is supposed to be special.

But it's just because somebody told you is supposed to be special. It's like, it's not supposed to be special, I don't think. It really doesn't matter. It's like batting practice. You got to fucking, you got to get some swings and you got to like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If it was actually special. I mean, except for burning in hell because of premonel. Yeah, yeah. If you're religious, good luck. Except for the eternal damnation. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the thing is, it's gonna be bad.

Yeah, terrible. So you should might as well just, you honestly should do it with like some fucking, you should do with a prostitute or something. You should do it with like a complete, utter stranger. It's a higher professional, yeah. Who you've paid to let you take batting practice. Well, that's the thing is like relationships.

Like, I went into a relationship and I had sexed a lot of people before my relationship. Right. And I was like, oh, you should be, I didn't say this specifically, but it's like, you should be happy because now I'm better at having sex. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, I'm only here because of that, yeah. Did you, the school of thought is that, like, the first time it's either you come immediately or you don't at all. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where were you guys at? I, I didn't think I came to me, because I was fucking wasted, dude. We went to the beach and, like, we just drank all day, and I was making out this girl naked

and then it kind of, like, just popped in. Yep. Just slips it. Yeah, it's not that tiny. He just leans it. Yeah. He's rolled over a little bit. It was like, I remember, like, the head kind of.

just like went enough. You're like, this counts. Yeah, I basically stabbed her vagina with my dick, and I was like, this is my opportunity. Yeah. No, me too. That's actually that was for me too.

It was like, it's like, this really wasn't intercourse. It was like, basically I lost my virginity on a complete technicality outside. Okay. Outside counts. Yeah, yeah, no, outside.

But you're not going to have like real good sex. Yeah, and the woods. In the bleachers. In the football field bleachers. You were under the bleachers. On them. Wait, what? Was the game somewhere?

It was chaos. And this is like actually how... I immediately picture just the most hot. I picture you in football pads with the chair. Like helmet on. Like, where's Ben? Put team, let's go. I cut a hole in my cup.

That would be sick. Ben Hurwitz. That would be cool. That's like green room sex. So that would be awesome. That's not what that's not what. Half-time sex would be dope. Yeah.

You're your journey halftime. Then you win the state. Yeah, that'd be cool. This was not any of that. So I was at like another high school, like a neighboring high school's like party. Gotcha. They finished. They graduated.

I was like, I think I was a junior. They just graduated. I'm like trashed some fucking chick who's just like pretty much a horror. I love, I love the way you, you, I knew you were going to say horror. I knew exactly. You slowed down because you're like this girl who's. And right when you said, I was like, you're to call her a whore. Which is fine.

I mean, she, yeah, she had a lot of, she had a lot of sex. By the way, I love fucking whores. I love, it's not a bad thing. For me, it's like, I just like that word. I like whores and I like women that are whores. And I love, you like, I look over. And I'm sure, things have changed for her. I'm sure she's really happy.

She's not listening to this podcast. I'm sure. I don't have to say any of this, but I guess she's like, I do hope she is, though. I hope she's alive. They are the nicest ladies. They are like the niceest ladies. They are like the nicest.

Oh, I don't know I was strippers last weekend. They were sweethearts. Oh, man. I mean, there's so much perspective, dude. I'm telling you. Like, they just,

they're so kind because they've seen the other side of, you know, life and, like, people and stuff. They have more experiences. They can teach you shit, bro. Bro, a whole will teach you how to make shrimp scampy. Like,

you should really show you like, oh, like, I was unfolding these correctly before. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you got to get you one of them. It's true. Yeah, at some level of your heart.

At some level, you're a generous person. if you're having that much. You are very generous person. If you're saying yes that often, that's generous. That's a nice thing. Very open-minded people.

Yeah, you're also a risk-taker and probably like kind of crazy and dealing with some shit. For sure. But in the nicest way possible. Willing to try new things. They're very, yeah.

Yeah. I like that. Yeah, so we were... In the lifeguard was a fag in the nicest way of us. Yeah, we were in the bleachers and then like, and this literally happened.

This sounds like it didn't, but it did. The cops came, like, as things were going down. And I, like, we all ran away because the cops were there, like... Which, how far did you make it inside? Yeah, I was trying to picture. No, we were, I mean, our pants. Oh, pants are off.

Okay. I, like, pulled my pants up. Fully, oh, pulled my pants up. Pulled them up. No, no, that'd be hilarious. Running naked. Yeah, that's what I pictured. I got socks on.

Yeah, I was actually in an episode of... Shoes still on. Yeah. Cleats. He gives his cleats on. It's a great episode of cops that I was in. I'm blurred. Bad boys.

I'm just like running. Just the top is blurs. I'm wearing this sweatshirt in no pants. Just your face is blurred. Just swing in dick. Yeah. Come on. Get up. Get up.

Smacking it. I'm like, ah, grab it. I like hop defense and started sprinting. And I was like so trashed. I got tackled by a cop. Oh, shit. They got you. They got me.

This is the best virginity story. This is actually what happened. It's fucking insane. We still hard when you got tackled? No. Okay, okay. No, I honestly... You did bust, right?

Did not bust. I was so drunk that, like, maybe I was like kind of... I don't know what the fuck. Yeah, yeah. I was probably like half hard when I was having sex and still half hard when he tackled me. Condom's still on the game. Oh, yeah. I love the idea if you just erect.

While this guy's just like trying to... How to turn you... He's like, just sit up. He looked at my ID and he's like, he's like, oh, I went to your high school. Oh, this is even... And he was like, we used to have crazy... We used to have crazy parties. He's like, you're already off the campus premises.

Just go, just like, go home. Oh, that rules. And everybody else got detained. Like, they were in the... They were at Lowell High School's basketball court until like four in the morning. Oh, man. Their parents had all come and pick them up.

It was like the most embarrassing night for everybody. And I just went and got pizza. So I was just like chilling. Oh, I was like black out. He's doing the worst thing, too. He's like, I'm like, I'm in the police in the public. Yeah. Everybody's like, pretty cool.

Everybody's getting, like, talked down to by cops. And I'm, like, eating one slice of pizza just, like, trashed somewhere. But free. I was a free man. Yeah, yeah. How'd you get home? I just, like, walked. I was staying at my buddy's house.

I just walked. You're amazing. I mean, it was a lucky night. That's a beautiful story. That's a great. Wow. I probably, like, vomited. Very jealous.

You know, in my friend's house. It definitely had some of that. Yeah, yeah. I like, yeah, whatever. We don't need to get into all this. But, yes, that was my, that was the story. That's incredible. Yeah.

It was, it actually was incredible. See, I liked that cop respect it. The worst is, I've been caught drinking one time. The most annoying thing I've ever been told by a cop, I was drinking. And he goes, why can't you guys just stay home and play video games? I was like, why would you want that out of the younger generation? That's insane. Why would you want me to, yeah, what?

I'm trying to get life skills out here, brother. Yeah, yeah, I went to Catholic high school and everybody's fucking trashed. Yeah, everybody's Irish. Where did you grow up again? San Francisco. Oh, okay, nice, yeah. Yeah, so it's St. Inace's High School. everybody's getting drunk.

Yeah, yeah. Every cop in the city went there. Yeah, yeah. In hindsight, the odds of this happening where the cop was like, keep on drinking, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very high.

Very high. He's at the party. Yeah. Keep it out, man. Yeah. I look, that way I thought there were just beers behind me. The fact that you were like, yeah,

the backdrop, for people that are just listening audio. Yeah, yeah. I just added a backdrop that's like a beach in like the Bahamas or something. And so when he said, can you give me a beer?

I literally just naturally reached behind my chair thinking there was one. Yeah, I am really excited about this, by the way. Yeah, I was telling him it's great because if a clip ever gets taken out of context, just nobody can take it seriously

because there's like a Bahamas back. We're not real people. Look, we're on vacation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't get mad at somebody who doesn't live in the country. Can't get us, dude. We're in Barbados.

No, that's really smart. You should have, like, the Eiffel Tower behind you. Dude, what I got to do is my, my, my, uh, my producer showed me this thing where you can translate videos in different languages and it moves your mouth. So I want to start dropping clips of me like a Japanese where it's just...

That sounds dumb. Yeah, but the subtitles are the same so Americans can know what I'm saying. But she's like, jac, just like going off. You should do, you should do green screen and then do a different country every time. That's not a bad idea. Yeah, that would be hilarious.

But Patty does that with his podcast. he does like, it's green screen, he doesn't like a bed, but he's done some really funny ones where he'll just zoom in on somebody's face. So whoever's talking, right behind them, just a giant zoom in of their face talking.

Which is, the thing is, I want it to be like, I don't want it to be like, I'm from Florida, and I love that. Oh, you are? What part? Yeah, I'm from Dlan.

Oh, holy shit, I'm from Orlando. Yeah, there you go. Probably, I went to Dlan High School. Where'd you go to high school? I went to Winter Park. Yeah, yeah, I know, yeah. Holy shit. Did you go when, like, Austin Rivers and those guys was there?

Uh, I was there when his brother was there. So, like, I was, I got there the year, I think, after Austin. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's fucking awesome. Wait, when did you move to Boston? Uh, school, 2014. Oh, shit, okay. Okay, so then, okay, I graduated high school 2015.

So shit. All right there, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, same area. I was thinking when he was like, like, oh, the cops are at the parties. Like, cops were definitely in our parties. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What beach did you guys go to? New Smyner.

Dude, oh, my. God, yes. Wait, is that the beach yet? Dude. At the beach? Yeah, I love my Virginia at New Samarana. You're not gonna believe this. You too?

Yeah. Oh, fuck yes. Oh my God. Dude, like all of my friends lost the Virginia, New Sumerana Beach. I think all of us in that whole, that whole area lost in New Superdemean Beach right now. I'm so excited.

Where did you guys graduate from high school? Daytona Beach? So I have a mix. So no, I'm from Winter Park, so I graduated from Winter Park High School. Yeah, okay. But I had friends graduated from Trinity, Lake Highland. Highland, our friends are all over the place. Oh man. Some of Excel, which is accelerated learning,

which is when you get kicked out of Winter Park. You can't do it. It's like other school. Which is so many too, because it sounds good. It's like, oh, accelerated. They're like really they just need to accelerate the process. That's funny. They just need to get you out of school. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like, that's the first president. All right, that's good enough. Yeah, get the fuck out of here. Dude, I mean, Florida's education system is, it's, you know, it's 50 out of 50. I've heard that it's not good. I did. Somebody told me recently a what it rose,

and I was like, what do you. What do you, but it must be a different thing. Because I was cool. Because I saw a license plate when I was a kid and it said, Florida education. I was like, mom, what does that mean? And she's like, there's not very good education. I was like, told me. That's not, dude.

Oh, man. Pretty sure. And then Volusia County, where I'm at is also like the poorest county in terms of like, public investment. So we just, everybody just goes. We just call it the high school. There's not even really other options. Jeez.

Everyone just says like, where'd you go to the high school? The high school. Dude, I literally have a group chat now called Future and, inmates of Volusia County. Every year we go to New Smyrna now. We do a Memorial Day. You're welcome, if you're ever in Florida Memorial Day. We love to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just go fucking crazy. Do you drink? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just do

that and... I'm from Volusia County. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ain't none else to do it. Yeah, but Daytona, Daytona's a blast, too. I'm trying to get everybody maybe... The Tona Beach is nuts. Dude, it's crazy. Like, I've just made, done some absurd things there. There's, you ever been to Razzles, a strip club there? Oh, dude. Yeah, that's like, that's like one of the first early spots you go, you can get it. Because they have, they also have... They're not strict on IDs. No, they're not strict on IDs.

They have an 18 plus night, which basically... That's so funny to have this. It's insane, right? They have an 18 plus night where they still serve alcohol. They serve beer pit, like, bay-ass beer pitchers. You can get... It's like an off night. Oh, yeah.

That's, no, literally. That's wild, man. Like Thursday nights or whatever, and they just drive up. There's also... We used to go to, when we were in high school, we used to go to Knights Library. Oh, dude. Liquor Pitcher, Wednesday? Licker Pitcher Wednesday is a night library, which is

UCF's campus. And it's, I would say, 40% high school students from my area. They gave these like X, this like poorly drawn X on your thing. And then you immediately just like lick it off. Yeah. And it is, if you use a fake, it's $10 for all you can drink liquor pitchers. So literally, you go to the bar, you tip them $1,

you get a pitcher of liquor. Dude, it was insane. The crimes that happened. You have to have a D. You have to have a designated driver. No question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you will die. Yeah, yeah. It was crazy, dude.

One of my friends, I wasn't here for this, but some guy pulled, like, a knife on him, and he bought, I'm pretty sure it was a barretta. He had, like, an old civil war gun that he pulled on the guy in the parking lot out of his dad's car. He pulls out of a mutt. Yeah, yeah. It was crazy.

I remember I went there one time and then like I fucked some chick on like a parking garage like down the street. And it was it was a weird mix because then there were actual like UCF girls. So like in high school you'd like make out with some girl who's like 22 and you're like, why the fuck are you here? I'm like 17. Dude, it was such. Oh man. The amount of I used to like get girls like Snapchat's that were going to UCF.

And they would hit me up later and be like, oh, what school do you go to? I'll just like make one up. I'm like Virginia Tech. Yeah. Sorry. I will be around. Then they see me there like the next thing. We had a really funny one with that where I went to a.

so Pub was like a similar kind of thing. Yeah. And I went to pub one time. I think I was like 17. And I told these guys, these girls and guys I went to UGA, and I got this girl's phone number, and she had like a boyfriend. And then, like,

two years later, I went to the same bar and the dude tried to fight me. He goes, you're that guy from UGA. He was pushing me. He's like, fuck you. I was like, what did I start in your relationship? I forgot you guys existed. I was in high school, and then I come back to this bar. He still remember.

The fucking bulldog. I'm like, I never, I've never attended UGA. My brother went there, so I just said that. Just so I had no bars and stuff. Those things never come back to bite you in the ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And somehow it did. Somehow it did.

Somehow he saw that text message and in their relationship, that was like the biggest fight. He's like, I know you love that guy that went to U.S. The dude just drives. He can't see Bulldogs at all. He just loses it. Yeah. He's like pulled over and get out the car.

He's like, he can't see it. Just can't handle it. No, dude. When the national championship, he's just crying. And then he's just because of what thing. And I didn't even fuck her hook up with the girl. And oh, I just got her number. And it just, I guess, must have started something.

Those are the scariest relationships. The ones are like, they're, they're so jealous and sicker that, like, those little things will make the, oh, my gosh. And they bring those things. Yeah, be careful. Because also, usually one of the other people in those relationships are always actively seeking out somebody else. Like that example, that's very easy to get that number. She was looking, she's trying to give it out to as many people's awesome. Oh, for sure.

Yeah. And getting off on stirring up trouble in her relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't even, those kind of people don't even like being in a relationship. They're probably even like intercourse. They just like, like, people wanting. Oh, the adrenaline rush they get. People are mad at me.

They're like, ugh. And the worst part is they're never gonna break out with that person. No. No, they're just gonna fuck with people until, until someone actually calls them out on their shit when they're like 32 and ugly. And they're gonna cry so hard. Why is it mean to me?

I just fucked your boss. Oh my gosh. Until it's too late, they'll do that. I've been in those relationships, man. That's like, you don't even realize how, like you're both getting off on the jealousy plot line. And you have to leave. It's a different kind of getting off,

but I get what you're saying. Because I see the guy just getting so angry, but there's probably some... He likes it too. Yeah, there's some... Everybody likes it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've, like, moved in with someone to spite them,

and I'm like, why shouldn't even fucking... Why am I doing this? You don't think I'll sign right here? You don't think I'm serious about this? And then six months later, I'm like, why did I do this? I'm on the lease. Bitcher's like, well, what is it?

One month or two months, like, up front. Like, what do you want? Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, totally. And that's what that guy's doing. He's doing his Florida fuck the bulldog version of that. Yeah. That'd be funny.

What if it was unrelated to their relationship? He just hates the team. She just told him, I bet this guy at UGA, he's never forgot about it. You've ever seen anybody ever from that school. Fuck them. Yeah, I'm like terrified of hooking up with, I mean, I've hooked up with a couple married people, but this. situation was different.

So like, wait, wait, let me explain. Well, yeah, so I like a hooker- and,

yeah, you can't speak past that. What if I look up with divorce people? I don't think I'm hooked up with anyone who's actually currently married.

So one of them was haul past situation, lesbian couple, so you can hook up with a guy. And it was total, like, in my mind, I was like,

interesting. I was in Florida? No, I was actually visiting Boston. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I was like,

oh, okay, this is like, she's like, yeah, I can hook up Like, I haven't hooked up the guy in 10 years. I thought it was bullshit because I took like a sleeping pill. And then I got like a message on like dating app, like field.

And she said, come over here and fuck me. I haven't fucked the guy in 10 years. I was like, yeah, sure. I was like, this is going to be some guy with a crowbar. Right. And then it was legit. And then the other time I went on a date with this woman and we hooked up. And then she started mentioning her husband.

I was like, oh, no, no, no. We were in the process of getting divorced. She's like, we fully don't even sleep in the same bed. And I was like, I guess. Yeah. But I was scared walking out. Like immediately, I have hyper paranoia. So, like, later that day, there's a guy just walking towards me.

I'm like, her husband paid some guy to kick my. Yeah, this is crazy stuff. Yeah, that's what, oh, my gosh. That's my biggest fear. I just don't want to, I don't want that conflict. I don't want the confrontation with, like, the husband. Especially if you go to, like, you went to her place? This is not a hotel.

Okay. That's pretty solid. Yeah, we're like drinking at a hotel bar. And then I'm like, that's, but that's like also, like, classic, like, he shows up. He's like, boom, boom. Yeah, yeah. It is classic cheating, too. I was like, there was a part of me

like, this could all just be a complete lie. But it's also just nice being in a nice. Like, I'm so, I was almost, being a nice place is better than sex. I'm like, this is nice. He's just, he's just in this guy's robe. He's like, his slippers and shit. I don't know why I'd give this up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no, no cockroaches. It's like clean. You're just excited that it's clean. Yeah, how old was she? Uh, mid 40s. Hmm. That's a good age, right?

I don't know. I mean, uh, to, B? No. Well, no, we established not to be. But what's the oldest person you've ever? That's not the oldest. I, I, oh, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. A year old trans woman. That's awesome.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know. By the way, it's really funny. You need to run for president of the Democrat. You need to be in the Democratic Party. You are like, a leading man. No, your whole platform would be I've fucked a trans person. You need to be. Has Hillary fucked a trans person? He's fucking Biden.

Governor of Vermont. Yeah. That is true. Well, that's one thing I kind of liked about Federman is he does have a mask... There's not really a lot of masculine Democrat guy. And, like, that is cool to have, like, that thing. I'm very apolitical, mostly because I'm ill-informed,

and I'm just gonna look... My opinions change every day on anything. Sometimes I'm like, there's problems there might not even be an answer to. This might just be a problem forever. I got a secret for you. Federmans do, too. Everybody's opinions constantly changing. They just have people telling them,

it's like, this is what you think today. Go out there. You just need to hire people who tell you what you think. think. Yeah. You'll be fine. That's a good point. A politician is just a guy who has like 17 people going like, you know how you actually

feel this way? You have to tell people you feel this way. Or don't, you know that one thing? Remember that summer where you like fuck that guy's wife or whatever? Don't talk about that. Yeah. You think he'll change? What do you mean?

Politics? Yeah, yeah. You think he'll like go like full, I don't know. I guess what's the other way he could go? Maybe like full conservative, full Q&I. I mean, everybody goes whatever direction they think they need to go to win. Right. And they lie in the process.

He also might go full, just put spaghetti on his pants. Because that guy's kind of... You're so cool, weird. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, and those people just, like, it never works out. They run, it's mildly entertaining.

Maybe they have, like, a little... Honestly, what he should do is, like, start doing stand-up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you have, like, a fan base. But he has those freezes, right? Doesn't he have those things where he, like, just freezes up?

I might mix him up with Biden, but I think Federman has, like, he had some sort of stroke. No, wasn't that, Mr. McConnell? McConnell? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Federman had a stroke or something. Honestly, these days, in order to run for president,

you probably have to have had a stroke. Dude, we're about to vote for a 280-year-old people. This is crazy. I don't think I'm doing it either. I don't think I'm so mad. But I'm like, I'm like, I think I was talking to my friend the other day, we were drunk at a bar. And he's like, I don't know who I'm going to vote for.

And I just fully took on crazy guy persona where I'm like, it's a sinking shit. I'm like, this isn't going to be a country in three weeks. You're just pulling out cash? Yeah. I'm like, none of this mad. There's something fun about that. Like, in my mind, I am a conspiracy theories, but not really, like, my beliefs can change

from day to day. Like, UFOs once a week, I'm like, it's aliens, is the U.S. government. I don't really care. Like, I do care, but it changes a lot. But I think, I do love the crazy guy the world's going to end persona. If you do it correctly, if you're freaking out, it's a problem. But if you're just at the bar, just smoking cigars, just being like, it's all fucking sad up.

Yeah, I like that. Well, it's also, I kind of agree with it. I think it's kind, it's not 100% true. within our lifetime, fine. We're going to be fine. Yeah. I do feel guilty about having a kid, though, because I'm just like, you're fucking.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Man, that's tough. No, it is tough because I'm like,

I got to get you in a situation where at least you have your head on straight for when the world ends. Yeah, yeah. Build them a little bunker. No, no. I got her in the nursery listening to Joe Rogan. She's going to run.

She's just like, she's just like tying knots at one year. She's going to know jujitsu and had a whittle by the time she's like 17. Do you buy there? Drop her off in like Yellowstone for a week. Yeah, yeah.

If she can live off the fat of the land, she'll be fine. I didn't want the idea of his daughter like skinning a deer. She has to be able to like cut a moose open and live in it.

Well, what was I going to say? Oh, oh, I agree. I like, I think we, I mean, do you guys think it's a little bit of a red flag that this country has legalized everything?

No, because I'm pretty crazy. I, I think heroin should be illegal. I'm wild like that, though. Here's the thing. I think... By the way, that was the gayest thing.

I'm wild like that. What you should have said is... And I also fuck the trans person. I'm wild like that. Which we're going to go back to that some point. I don't want to get back to that. But like, marijuana's legal. Gambling's legal.

They're promoting it. It's one thing. Here's the thing. If everything's legal... Here's the thing. If they legalize heroin and then fucking Kurt Warner's doing a commercial telling you to do heroin,

that's a problem. Yes. You know what I mean? And they're currently doing that. For gambling, literally, yeah. No, there's guys who are like, like Peyton Manning's basically like, no, keep gambling, guys.

Just because you won't, you lost today, doesn't be you'll win tomorrow. You can win tomorrow. You can win a sweepstakes with me and Eli. Come hang out with me at Caesar's Palace. Yeah, you're going to win a thousand dollars of our money. You want to come, high-five, two quarterbacks at Caesar's Palace. Bet your family's money.

Just him in a hot tub. He's like, empty seat right here. could be you. Are you bored at home over the holidays? Bet $5,000. You have a college fund that needs empty?

Bet it, bet the money. College isn't going to exist in 20 years. You can give her a million dollars. That's what it feels like. I would say in general, I'm a left-leaning, but very libertarian and things like that where I am like prostitution, gambling, all drugs should be legal.

But I do get the promotional thing where it's kind of like, it's like if something is, like celebrities should be shat-on more for things they promote because you shouldn't be promoting. like gamble all you want anywhere. And there's some marketing genius behind that going like this is going to normalize it.

And that's the problem. That's the part of the equation that actually is a problem. We're normalizing aberrant behavior. People used to get like their legs chopped off when they gambled. And now there's like a Filipino lady in a call center going like you got to pay your PayPal bill. Like that's the worst case scenario is like you have some voicemails. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You used to die.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just wake up in like the Charles River in Boston. Yeah, you wake up, I mean, it's the cliche, you'd wake up in an icy bathtub with no kidney. Yeah. And now you're literally just like, can these, people should stop sending me these fucking emails about how I didn't pay my gambling debt.

Yeah. I get it. I'm gonna put another 25 on the Super Bowl. I can win it back, maybe. And marijuana isn't advertised the same way. And I think weed being legal is completely fine. It's not a big deal. It's the same as alcohol.

Yeah. You probably shouldn't do a bunch of it in drive, but it's great. It's fine. Yeah, I don't think it's good for you at all. It's not, I think it's the same as booze. It's the same as booze. It's definitely not good for you. Yeah, yeah.

You should do it in moderation, but it should be legal. That's fine. Yeah. People say it's really funny that the whole aspect of like, I think there are certain people that certain drugs can be helpful for. Like, I get it. Like, maybe I've never been to war physically, emotionally. Yeah.

It's like, But I get it. Yeah. I mean, look, if you want to send me a couple awards, fine. But it is like, it is like I've heard there's benefits to certain things. But the thing I have always said I hate the most is I hate when people think that all shroom thoughts are good ideas. They're like, no, no, I was on shrooms and they told me I need to start a fucking flip-flop company. Yeah, it's like that's not.

Your brain also is telling you that, like, I remember I was in trouble for shrooms and my parents were. driving me to Boston Market to pick up their dinner because we got caught doing shrooms. I'm sorry, I've just said it too many times in the podcast, but I'll just skip this part of the story. They're driving us to Boston Market, and I remember I look over and I go,

we're not going to fucking Boston market. I was like, they're going to take us to rehab. And I almost jumped out of the car. It's like, that wasn't true information. That was, like, everybody's like... Those your brain telling you, like, they're after you. Yeah, yeah, but it's like your brain has bad dots.

So, like, if you just take shrooms, that doesn't mean it's just going to fix everything. We're definitely... I don't want to say, like, we're going to the shitter as a country, but, like, things are definitely changing. And I don't think it'll be positive in the end. I think, at least in our perception now of what's positive, what's negative. Maybe we live in, like, the idiocracy world where, like, people love this shit.

We're like, everyone's just, like, shooting guns, driving on the street. And, like, breaking bottles or whatever. Yeah, maybe that's the world your kid wants, man. You don't like that. It sounds cool. It's not going to be cool. Let's say shit is hitting the fan. We get COVID-2, which everybody's talking about.

Everybody's like, there's virus X, which is very funny. Me and Patty were joking about the other day. They're like, virus X, they're like it's, it's been used on, it's been shown to be deadly on humanized rats. Like, what the fuck is a humanized rat? That's like a little Stuart Little Guys or something. That's so, that's. We already created hybrid.

Yeah, yeah. Like, how do you drop that? Yeah, exactly. It's like, hey, hold on. I don't really care about this study. What the fuck is a humanized rat? How did you make that? Tell us about that study.

Yeah, I can't wait. I actually, to your point about, like, freeing everything, like, I can't wait until they, like, we just, we learn all. I want all the secrets, though. I do want to know what all the truth is. And I'm sorry to think we will find out at a rate that just people stop caring. That's how it works. I mean, the UFO thing. Yeah, yeah.

Everybody knows there are UFOs and no one even is worried about it. No, no, no. Same with Epstein. Same with JFK. It's, like, all this stuff. Think about every time something bad happens, they've given us, like, a little tidbit of news to distract. No, think about, dude, like literally economy crashes, Bitcoin, whatever, all of a sudden, like, aliens are real.

Yeah. The city, everything flooded. All the subways flooded. And the same day, they tell us they found Tupac's killer. Like, that was our great news. Like, yeah, hey, guys, we're getting closer to the cold cases of, like, you know what I mean? Like, oh, man. Also, my dad has a conspiracy theory that if your city or, like, your region has, like,

something bad happens, like a flood or, like, a massive. shooting or whatever, within a couple years, you'll get a championship in a major sports. That's interesting. Okay, so the Saints win after Katrina? They won with Drew Brees. They won like two years after. Yeah, that's interesting. Boston bombing.

Hey, and you know, gambling is legal. Now you know where to bet. I'm telling you. Which, what about the bucks? I mean, Florida had the highest COVID deaths of the year of any state. They were also the only state that stayed open during COVID pretty. much. So, like, that was their reward. Well, you guys get to watch the Super Bowl. I've ever been to Florida.

I went to do stand-up during COVID. It was great. Yeah, it was fun. magical time, dude. But, though, look at this. Flintwater's been bad for how long. Dude, who cares? Detroit Lions are in the NFC championship. Wait, so what was New York's? Post-9-11? Post-9-11? Well, they got 08, Eli.

That was dope. I'm sure the Yankees won or something. Yankees. New York had some stuff. Dude, look, Kenosha, Wisconsin, right? Like, they had that shooting. The Milwaukee Bucks all of a sudden, best team in the league. They're like the best player in the NBA. So what you're saying is Palestine's bad to fuck.

Yeah. Oh, you're just starting to team. The Gaza Rockets are M-O-B champions. If you're into Palestinian rugby. I'm telling you, you bet that. Yeah. If you understand how cricket works. I wonder if there's a sense of like city pride

that makes people like just work really hard when they have like something bad happens. No, that's, yeah, that's civic pride. That's what that is. Yeah, yeah. Bad things happen. And then you rally behind the Cleveland Browns for some reason. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, man, kind of scary, though.

So I guess on the flip side, yeah, if you want, if you want a championship, well, you know what you have to do. Go to your office with a gun. Do you really, you really want the 49ers to win, Ben? How, how committed are you as the 49ers fan? I'm kidding you, you too. Please don't take this down. Yes, exactly. I got to fly into the, uh, the sales force.

building in San Francisco. Dude, it's so funny. There's something about the Salesforce building that gives me like a weird I hate that feeling. There's one in downtown New York too. And I feel like, I don't know why I just have this weird kind of like sky net feeling. It's very fallow. It's enormous.

It's super. It's like it looks like one of those massagers, like the penis massager thing. And then they have like a screen that's showing stuff on the top. I'm like, this is the end of the world. We don't live in Tokyo. the end of the world. It's not supposed to look like this in San Francisco or New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do want to get back to you having sex with a fifth year old. Oh, I just brought it up so many. The trans person? I can't get into it. Okay. I can't get into it because the listeners are turning it off. Okay, okay. But I will say this. I went to, I went to, yeah, I appreciate. I'll text you out.

What is funny to do because I went to Nights Library one time. It's a different story. And I hooked up with, I made out with some girl at the bar. And I asked my friend, like, Olivia at the time. I was like, hey, what happened last night? She's like, oh, you made out with a dude. And I remember I started, like dry heaving and throwing up. And then this was... Yeah, you can't run for Congress. Wait, yeah, we didn't come back. This was underage me. We were preparing your entire campaign platform. We threw it out. Nope.

We're like, he hooked up with a trans woman. 20 minutes later, he was like, and it was disgusting. So that was, she was totally lying to me. She was just fucking with me. Okay, that was when I was 17. But then when I was 19, I hooked up an actual trans woman. And then I found out years later. And then I was actually fine with it.

Yeah. Because I'm a hero. I'm a fucking hero. I'm lady Gaga, yeah. But I'm also like a, like a veteran. Poster. Both sides of the political aisle. Poster pre, poster pre.

Post. Out of vagina. Yeah, yeah. And as I said, I will spark. Another wrong with you. No, no, no, yeah. Another wrong with free. Yeah, yeah.

A little butt. It's fine. Yeah, yeah. As long as you don't, yeah, as long as you don't see a penis, it's fine. If anything, it's just covering your eyes. If anything, as your... La la la la la la.

She's like, I'm trans-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. I didn't hear. As your campaign manager, I'm really hoping it was pre. We can sell that. Yeah, we can sell that. Post. No, not the same. Damn.

That's not good. No. We'll figure it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really, 50 is like, that's a big deal. 50 is also big, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I, uh, when you're young, that's exciting.

When you're old, it's like, I will say it's kind of even. Why do people do that? When you're also 50, yeah, you don't hook up. No, as you approach 50, it gets less and less interesting. Oh, yeah. Like, when I was, I feel like when I was like 19. I hooked up with someone in their 40s, and I was like,

and in hindsight, I'm like, she kind of like, like, she sucked. It's a lame lady who has sex with a 19-year-old. Yeah, yeah, that's true. But was it like, you know, when they say, like, oh, they have, like, more experience? Was it like, was it like,

show you a bunch of stuff? Yes. No, more experience and you're like, I'm in good hands. She's taking care of me. I'm going to eat after. I don't know what he's just showing. It's funny,

it's funny, the idea of her opening her vagina and there's like, you don't even know these existence. She has this diagram behind her It just shows you like everything You're like trying to look at it Yeah, they're not insecure I mean that's the biggest difference

Oh yeah dude I When I was in their 20s are petrified by They're debilitated by insecurity Oh yeah yeah And when you're 50 you're just like I don't know I don't care I just want to like I just want to fuck anybody

Yeah what were you gonna say I was saying I said I said I said I said I was like I was like does your room face She goes you want to just go with my fucking Like I was trying to say things in a way Because if I think with younger women, you can't, you think, hey, you want to go to your place to have sex? They're like, oh, what are you trying to,

what do you think I'm a whore? Or like, oh, what do you, you got to trick me. You got to be like, oh, I would love to see what the curtains look like in your hotel room. Yeah, like, I pulled that reason with the cats. I was like, guys, girls are mentioning cats. I was like, can I go meet your cats? I was like, that's the fucking lameish shit I've ever said.

That's basically how you have sex with someone under 30. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just lie and say you want to see something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything's like a murder. Yeah, you gotta like... Dude, I pulled that high school, I'd be like,

wanna check out my lava lamps? This is fucking so insane. Yeah, it's a fire line, actually. Like that. That'd be hilarious first icebreaker to borrow that, okay, well, check out my lava lights. Who the fuck are you?

I feel like if you went it to a bar like this weekend in Bushwick, that would probably work. Yes, because of how like... It's so quirky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How quirky. But you don't walk in and just say,

hey, who wants to see my lava? You don't say that immediately. It's a lava lamp guy. If they're already into, yeah, you can make up anything. You can say anything. He's fucking saying anything. I just got a new El couch.

You want to see? And they're like, and then you're, you're fucking, yeah. Yeah, there's, there's,

there's, there's, yeah, it's, there's no couch. Yeah, yeah, exactly. There's no furniture

in the entire. She's like, she's like, yeah. She's like, do you have a stove and you're just like, oh!

She's, just, just, just, is, just, is this, is this a residence?

, is this a residence? Oh! You're like, Are we have to get out of this pharmacy? Yeah, technically a pharmacy. Yeah, but it was just don't know. My new apartment used to be a pharmacy.

So it's really weird. There's a giant bar going through it that looks very suicidal. A lot of pipes. There's a window in the bathroom. I built that so I can watch women be. And you step up into the bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's where they kept the pills, obviously. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and as I was telling you guys, like, it's great because nobody has died in a pharmacy, probably. Yeah, the odds are, again, yeah, we talk about it. The odds are slim. You know what?

T. Payne's niece was stabbed in a Walgreens. You know, in Tallahassee. But, again, it's, a Walgreens is big. Was she in the pharmacy section of the Walgreens? No, I think it was right at the front. Yeah. Right up front. She was checking out.

Who's stabbing T-Pain's niece? What was that about? Oh, it was like his ex, uh, her ex-huh, her ex-boyfriend or something. Yeah, my, another, dude, the fear, man. I'm so scared of, like. And stabbed by an ex. Yeah, of these, uh, these former, uh, significant others who were crazy, you know? Dude, it's scary.

And then what was a really interesting one, somebody was talking to, I've talked to a couple people recently who've been to, like, murder-suicide funerals, and they say it's the hardest, it's weird, it's been coming up a conversation. Not. Who the fuck are these people?

Wait, did you say a lot of people? Dude, I know, like, Florida, baby. Yeah. I know, like, three people are bringing up murder-suicide and it's crazy. But apparently, it's fucking impossible because, like, you go to the funeral, and one person's mourning, one half,

one family is mourning the other half. and then there's people saying good things about the murder. Like there's people that are like, Greg knew how to have a good time. Yes, he had a temper. We all know we had a temper. I'm not going to pretend that wasn't there. Wait, that's nuts.

You have to be the guy who's like, you're just sitting there trying to figure out like, all the good things that Greg did before he slid her through. Yeah, yeah. We know the bad things. We know how to plan. You know how to plan.

Greg committed guy. If he said he was going to do something, he was going to do it. No matter how crazy. Motivated. When I was a kid, there was this couple, and they were older than me. They were like 16 at the time. But their parents made them break up.

And instead of doing that, they jumped in front of a train together. That was like, that's crazy. That's wild. Also, there's, they didn't even try to run away. Yeah, immediately. I was like, why wouldn't you run away? Why wouldn't you run away? There's so many other options.

They went straight for like, we'll be together in the afterlife. Oh, my God. That's insane. Because it's like there's... That's so wild. Yeah, go have a life. There's so many things you could, then. That's so wild.

I always think about that. Well, that was like, I watched this movie recently. Well, not always. On the way over here, I was thinking about it. I'm still thinking about it. We watched, I want to go see the beekeeper, which is the new Jason stayed the movie. Oh, yeah.

Oh, what is the movie? I do want to see. So he's a beekeeper. What he does? He's funny. He's like funny by accident. Oh, it's horrible. hilarious.

Yeah. The whole plot is he's like an ex sort of, even he would be called him black ops or black. I gotta be.

Always. Some like, special ops. Special ops government thing. And he's like, but now he works as a beekeeper to like keep like a low profile.

And the woman he's beekeeping for, she gets scammed out of all of her money. And like, and then she just shoots herself in the head. So he goes after the people. But it's so funny because it's like, she sees her account balance of zero. And the next scene is just her dead with a gun.

It's like, she didn't even call a lawyer didn't even try to take it to court yeah yeah yeah and then it's like she just had the gun ready to go she's just like yeah I'll fucking waitin to do that yeah yeah yeah you think at this point the government should just hire Jason Statham because I feel like he has more experience

as a black ops actor than most black ops people do oh yeah yeah every time I see him he's in the military killing somebody he's always he's always he used to be in the military now he's like trying to change his life oh yeah he's trying he wants to avoid the conflict but the uh the funniest would be

like, just having Jason did him at your doorstep and just knowing you're fucked. You're like, god damn it. The government sent you. Every time. Oh, man. He's just like, chipping men. He's like seeing Denzel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Even though he's like 75 and then he's like,

how is this guy going to kill me and then he does? Yeah. Yeah. That's like the same with Liam Nees and still putting him and stuff. And he's like, oh yeah. He's pissing. He peed his pants. He peed his pants all the time. Wait, what? Yeah. Not in a movie. There's like nine in a movie. There's like nine in real life. Yeah. Yeah. That's like that.

That's a great, that's a great Liam Neeson movie where they're like, the piss, the piss pants, man. And he just goes around kid. He's already peed his pants. He's just killing everybody. He can still kill, even though he's peed his pants. To be fair, I mean, if your mind's on murder, you can't hold your pants. No, you said locked in, man. But he's super old.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How old is he, like 80s? He's like 70, right? That's also why, like, the Michael Keaton and the new Batman didn't work. For me, I was like, oh, he heard the new Flashman. I was like, he just looks so old. Like, it doesn't feel real. Yeah.

I was like, there's no way he's fighting. No, yeah. He's good at Birdman because he's like a retired. He used to be Batman. Yeah, yeah.

That's the right role for that guy. Play the guy who used to do what you're doing for some reason right now. I think you could be an old villain kind of because a lot of villains aren't doing like the physical ass cake. They're just like at the very end they stab. Like you could stab somebody and they're like, oh,

he was always bad. I do feel about we do got to wrap up. Okay. What do you guys want to promote? Man. Social media, I mean, Ben Hurwitz on all platforms. I got a new podcast, The Rewrite with Nick Callis. You can check that out on YouTube.

I thought it was so funny because I saw all you guys had so many episodes ago. I thought you were just doing his podcast. You were such a good guest. No, no, no. I was like, you're crushing it. Like, we haven't done it often enough, but we're just doing the podcast. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to do social. Yeah, at Jamel Sirleaf. I'm pretty much everything. Yeah. Perfect. All right. Thank you guys so much. I appreciate it a lot.

Thanks for having us.