Morning Good - Living on the Edge - Episode 80

Episode Date: May 15, 2022

Thanks to Eli and TJ for coming back on the show, they're some of our favorite guests. Make sure to check them out for shows in NYC or out on the road. TJ has a new show called "Love Caddies" at The Stand. You can find TJ on Instagram @teejfrancis and Eli is as well @eli_haba.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. And we're here with DJ Francis, the naughty boy of New Jersey. Naughty boy in common, baby. Hey. And at Eli Habba. Also from New Jersey. Yeah, but I don't affiliate like that.

No more. You don't affiliate with the guy. Are we matching, dog? Yeah. You guys kind of are. Two different shades of the same dude. The audience just has to imagine what you guys look like. Is that not recorded?

That's for clips. I never do any clips. So why? I feel like I've done this like seven times now. And there's no rhyme or reason with when you're recording video. Yeah. It's how much storage is on my phone. You don't do it every time, right?

One time we recorded it with a phone and then because it was like, angled weird. He had a Mac, they had the phone facing you in recording. And we had to stop mid-time. I've seen the Mac before. My favorite of all is that you've been doing, how long have you been doing this podcast? Nine years.

No, it's been, it's been like a, it's been more than a year. It's been two years. Two years have been doing this podcast. It's gone to, and one time,

you asked me if you could use my camera for one episode, and it was only because you had a midgeton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the only reason. Yeah, I might have them on again once I get money because I was fucking fired again. He was expensive.

You were fired again? Yes, little people are expensive. He charged me once, it was 175. I was trying not to get canceled. Do you hear that? He matched my M. Well, they, see, for me, the word midget, it's like, there we go.

Whoa. All right, there we go. Like, if like a gay guy is like, can you not call us faggots? And then I'm like, I'm going to keep doing it. You know what I would love that. I'd love to see that scenario. Hey, you're talking to a group of gay men calling them faggots. Like, hey, could you not call us that?

Yeah. Excuse me, can you not call us the freeze? So, like, it's pretty easy. Okay, I'm not going to stop doing that. Yeah, yeah, that's how it is with midgets. I'm like, or little people. God damn it. It's like, they want to be called dwarfs

or little people, so I'm like, I'm fine. They want to be called dwarfs? Yes. No way. Absolutely. That's worse than midf was a different thing. No, Dorfism is the name of the condition. Hmm.

Yeah. Interesting. I thought a dwarf and a midget weren't exactly the same thing. It's not. I thought dwarves, like, lived in caves. I think, I think midgett's a general, was a general term. Are they fictional? Because dwarfs are like in Lord of the Rings.

Yeah. I think those were based off of other people. So it's like humans are also in Lord of the Rings. So I think they're like that. So are elves? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are orcs then? Orcs are dead elves.

Okay. You know, you're seeing Lord of the Rings? They're dead elves that like live under the trees. But I didn't like really understand any of it, to be honest. Yeah, it's really complex stuff. I honestly was. Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

I didn't really get it, you know? I just kind of paid attention. I like the fighting of it. Yeah, that was exciting. And I also, I don't like medieval stuff because I'm like, I don't know, I don't like anything that's old like that. Also, I have a horrible stomach cake.

I feel like absolutely garbage. Yeah, I ate a bunch of yogurt before you guys came over and that I shatheye. With nothing? Yoga. Who eats a bunch of yogurt? I ate yogurt for breakfast. Yeah, but not a bunch.

You eat one Chobani with some granola. But it was like, we have a tub of chabani that you're supposed to make your own bowls. You don't make too big of a bowl. That's what I do. Yeah. Maybe you should get a fucking job. I'm not getting a job.

I refuse. I'm so done with the job life. You keep trying to get, like, real jobs. Would they give, like, background checks? Yeah, well, because I want real money, you know. I want to make a bank. They're not going to get you real money if you don't have a job because you keep getting fired from your job. Yeah, yeah, that's a good point.

I don't know. I thought I'm making a fake Instagram with, like just dad content and giving them that. And so they're like, oh, look this guy. He's family friendly. Yeah. That would be good. Yeah. I still, I look, the job.

Why you just give them the other Michael Goods Instagram? Yeah, that's good because he is very family friendly. Yeah. That's brilliant. And they think you're like. You look way different on stage. Yeah. The camera ads or reduces something.

I have no idea. Yeah, you look fucking like shit compared to your Instagram pictures because all him with abs and stuff. Photoshop, man. It's pretty powerful stuff. Yeah. That is a good idea.

My favorite was a job interview for this company because it was like a textile company. And the guy was so serious. They work with like Marvel Disney. And there's just the SpongeBob like stuffed animals behind him like a Mickey Mouse thing. And he's like,

this company's going to be cut throw. Are you going to be ready to make risks take responsibility? It's like a dark room. Make risk. I thought for a second you flipped those. Make just doesn't make sense with anything. No, no.

Are you ready to make money and take responsibilities? Are you ready to make risks? I make risks. I had a little person on my podcast. That's a big risk, huh? Yeah, yeah. What if he was just the most racist guy? What if he was a little person?

What do you mean? Your boss? I had no idea because everything is his hero was that superman. Or if that guy End up being your boss That's Superman stripper Yeah, yeah, yeah

Randy, no, he's coming back on He'll go out of him Yeah, he's a stripper, right? That's what he does for a living? Yeah, yeah, yeah, St. Patrick's Day was big. Randy, he was a little person stripper out of my pocket. The door of stripper.

The door of stripper. Because stripper's like a noun. Little person doesn't sound accurate to me. A little person sounds like I'm talking about a child or like a Keith Chase. A guy, he's little, but he's not, you know,

medically small. wall. Dorf is perfect. I think things just got based off of it with Dorf stories. So now it's just, yeah, you don't see the end of the end. I think they're trying to, like, lean into Dorf because of, like, the power of the dwarves and Lord of the Rings. I think that they want that.

Gimley? Yeah. Whoever had the axe. Was he played by a real sized man? Gimley? Probably not. Back then, real height. Back then, the little person community was very much disgraced upon in Hollywood.

So you think that they took, I think that they're more likely to have. a little person be in a movie now. Oh, 100%. Yeah. So I think, oh, you're saying probably not. Probably they just like CGI'd the face. I would watch that. I would watch that immediately. What are you talking about? They have TV shows. They have TV shows about little people. Little people, big world. Hey, yeah. Did you ever see, uh, what was it called tiptoes? No. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Is the only, okay, so it's, do you know what I'm talking about? No. So this is a movie that came out with a stacked cast, by the way. It was like Gary

Goldman, Matthew McConaughey. Who else was in this fucking movie? There was a ton of people in it. I never seen it, but I heard about it. I've watched the trailer. The trailer is fucking fantastic. Yeah. Was it supposed to be like a blockbuster?

It's a rom-com that came out. And it had like any rom-combe. It's a serious movie. And it has like, it tugs at your heartstrings and states about like family and love and all this stuff. But it's also a comedy.

And it's a movie where Matthew McConaughey plays like some stud, like just slinging dick all around. By the way, little people, they call them averages. Just a heads up, that's the terminology. We're averages. Oh, they call us average. Yeah, he's an average, yeah. Okay. That's stupid as hell. Monsters. Why don't they call us like

two tall? Something that's going to average normal is something to make us feel bad, you know? Yeah, yeah. Some Marfan syndrome. Long legs. Yeah, long legs. They call us averages? Yeah, averagees, yeah. High center of gravity. Yeah. How do you, I don't know how I feel about that. Not in like a good way, but I'm just like, what is that?

I'm like, yeah, what? You really get bothered. You're getting rubbed the wrong way about that. Pertrubed. So the movie's about Matthew Honeke is this dude, whatever, and then he falls in love with this girl, he's a girlfriend, and she's going to come home to meet his family because they're getting engaged, I think. And so she comes home to meet his family.

And Matthew McConaughey is the only average in a family of midgets. Everyone in his family is a midget. That's the funny part? That's like the... Yeah. The plot of the movie. That's great. I'm pretty sure what happens

is she has a kid and the kid is a little person and he thinks his dad like banged her or something like that. Oh, hell yeah. Is that the movie? Why is it called tiptoes? We gotta watch this movie.

Because they tiptoe around. You never see that they'll be walking? That's like kind of the most offensive part of the whole thing. Maybe like if you made a movie about autistic people and call it tiptoes. You ever have any of those in your high school?

Autistic people that walk on their toes? Well, it's not even on. I was going to say that. There's like short like frat looking kind of, that always walk on their toes. And they walk so weird. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yes, where they, like, their cows are huge because they've been walking on their toe

because they feel, you know. Yeah. And I saw a kid. They're mentally full capacity. They just do it to elevate their height. They do it when they're a little kid. They do it when they're a little kid. And then they can't break it.

They walk on their toes. But they do it just because they're insecure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew a lot of kids like that growing up. We had, I remember we had a kid with Down syndrome. It was so funny because the hot girls always try to hang out with him. And he would just be like, fuck off, bitch. It would be so funny to see them try to be like, oh, we're going to sit with this guy because we're doing him a favor.

And immediately he would just be like, what the fuck are these bitches? Wait. Yeah. But wait. At your school? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. You're confused because I don't have dance.

It's, there's trailers. No, I know. I was just, unfortunately. What were we talking about before that? How did you get to that? Because he was talking about autistic kids at their school. Oh. Okay.

I got you. I was like, that was out of nowhere, dude. It is so funny because I always talk about it. The conversation always ends up talking about people with Down syndrome. And this time, I just threw it out of nowhere. Yeah, I thought it was. I thought we were talking about tiptoeing people. And you're like, yeah, dude, one time there was a kid with Downs in my school

and hot girls used to say with them. Yeah, right. Why is they related to anything? Okay. Also, that's just how my brain, I don't know. I feel like I think all over. I'm just a creative thinker, bro. I'm like fucking conier, man.

You can't turn it off. Yeah. You can't turn off at all. Good. But I was telling him how excited I was to see two dogs having sex today. Yeah, I was right here when you told them Why were you so excited I was saying it before it, I'm gonna say it again

Why do you like seeing dogs fuck? It's funny Yeah By the way, anybody who listens to podcast Thinks I fuck animals Because I talk about the bit all the time I make jokes about it And it's one of the most common things

I joke about But it's just funny to like I don't know I was telling you like I left my phone at home recently I've been venturing out into New York Seeing what's going on You do that on purpose? You'll leave your phone here and you just walk?

Yeah, yeah for like an hour That's nice That's smart Dude you realize you're like Oh shit I'm constantly, this is really sad. That's something that, like, anybody would agree is like, wow, that's great. And then they're not going to do it.

I'm like, no. It's exercise. Yeah. You don't want to do it, but you should do it. Because in your brain, you don't realize, I mean, this is sad, but you're literally running from your thoughts constantly. The second you get nervous, I think we unintentionally be like, oh, let me check Facebook. But really, you're like, I just don't want to sit with my own. Absolutely, dude. I mean, not to sound fucking gay, but that's like drinking. Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean? Like, that's what you learn a lot when you're like, oh, I drink because they don't want to think.

At all. Yeah, yeah. You're like, I get eating, bro. I'll eat ice cream because I'm like, if I'm eating ice cream, I don't have to think about it. I had a nice pine of vinegar. I love it.

Last night. Same. Half baked peanut butter is fucking great. Half big peanut butter. Benigeria is garbage, but it's delicious. Like, it's like the fish food. I'm saying it's garbage.

The quality of the ice cream is terrible. It's like bad ice cream, but it tastes so good. It's like Domino's pizza. Yeah, but it's like they cram so much shit in there. It's like chocolate peanut butter. Oh, but it's so good.

It's so good. It's amazing. That's why I think my girlfriend's getting a fucking dumb I don't think she is about I was telling you guys literally like I haven't been employed for like two weeks Actually it's been a month now

Because I got fired from the other job And there's overlap And I was literally ordering I had comic books come in the mail While I'm eating ice cream And you could just see the look on her face You should just tell her you have a job And leave

She would never know Yeah she really would not I'm sure on unemployment Just like moving around in the city Yeah For real That is a hilarious idea Yeah

Do it Yeah I used to do that. I used to tell people I was like in school and I would just walk around the city. I just told my family, yeah, going to college today. Yeah. He was not. Yeah. Did not.

All right, got to go to college. I just like took Ecstasy at seven in the morning and then just walked around. Seven in the morning. Yeah. That's crazy. You're like 13 years old going to college today. Wow. Eli's killing it.

That is one thing I think about Existice. I think people think it's a great thing for concerts. But I think I enjoyed it more in like a quiet setting. Oh, hell yeah. I love to just do it. any point at any time Yeah Is X-Testy

Molly? It's the same thing It's supposed to be With Mali's like The active ingredient And then ecstasy Generally it has like Something else in there

Yeah Because ecstasy is usually a pill And you can't like dress Molly into a pill You have to add like another substreet Yeah But yeah Fucking chemists dude

We're geniuses That's my favorite I want I'm just saying my brother My brother's like Dude you know so much about drugs You should like you know Maybe be like a pharmacist

I'm like no It's not how it works. It's not how it works. I want to, like, give somebody. You can't go to a pharmacy and be like, I've been doing a lot of drugs. Yeah, exactly. You're like, dude, you know what? Where did you study?

Binkillers to know what a 600 milligram ibuprofen does. Where did you study? I've done most of these. I was in the field. Those were the funniest conversation I added with the doctor one time. The doctor was like, I went to Bonaroo. And like, three days later, I went to the doctor. And they're like, have you done any of the following drugs?

They're like, Molly, ecstasy, cocaine, MDMA, Zana, Xanax and I was like, yes. And they were like, which one of us? Like, I've done all of those things. Did you go to Bonner? Yeah, yeah. I saw he. Wasn't it crazy? What is Bonner? That's a big concert? Yeah, it's it, which I don't think I'll ever do again.

Because it's just like, it sounds fun because like four days. I think it would be good sober. But like it's like one of those people. No. You don't, I think it, dude, dude, music is good live. Yeah, but like big concerts like that, dude, no. Not a live music. Yeah, but it's like you can go out, you can do stuff during the day.

They have a thing called Sobaroo where people only go sober. but it's also like doing drugs for 4-8. I don't know who can hang. I couldn't handle that at 19. I don't know who does it at like 30. I guess if you have a severe problem. I mean, people fucking, that's their life. I handled it.

I handled it like a champ, dude. Really? Yeah. What's like the most you've done at the same time? In like a one vendor. Just a week. So it's the worst, just worst thing. Worst I've ever done was my prom weekend when I was 16 when I went.

because, like, in Jersey, oh, you do the same thing. So in Jersey, probably. Well, what? You go down the shore for the weekend. Yeah, yeah. So in Jersey, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody in every high school, when they have prom weekend,

you go to prom Friday night. And then you all go down to, like, pretty much the same motel in, either seaside or Wildwood. Seaside. Jersey, it's like Jersey Shore, like, like the show. Yeah. It's that, it's so. So I was at, like.

My equivalency would be Daytona Beach. Probably. Yeah, I guess. I have no idea. Garbage Beach town. We don't know. Honestly, your equivalency would probably be Delray because those are mostly drug addicts from New Jersey. Okay. Okay.

Wherever the most Guidos are. Yeah. Well, then that would be like Miami, but it's not as nice as me. No, no, no, yeah. Yeah. No, it's pretty trashy. Remember the poor Guidos are. So you go get like a cheap motel and it's like your whole class.

12 people in one room. Also, the other classes. Yeah. Other schools. The year below you, the year above you, everybody goes. And then like in our motel, it was like three high schools. Oh, shit. Yeah.

people from each one, you know? It was fucking sick. And so I went down and I was like, I'm gonna like fucking party. And so I brought a quarter ounce of weed, which you know, whatever. Some light, is something to kick the morning off? Yeah.

I brought a quarter ounce of blow. Okay. There we go. Okay. I brought... It's a coffee. This is how I know how old is called. Yeah, because he's older.

You guys used to say hits of ecstasy, which sounds so much cooler than like... Pills. Yeah. Yeah. 25 pills, red Buddhas. It sounds cool. cooler to say it's of ecstasy. And so I think I sold to my friends. I sold seven of those to my friends. So I took 18 18th, from Friday to Sunday. 18. I snorted, I like gave some people some coke, but I snorted like four or five grams of coke in that, which is just a night, you know, but I did that pretty much Friday night. I smoked all the weed. And then on Sunday morning or late, late Saturday night, my friend started giving me rocks a set. And so I did five, 20,

Yeah, Roxies. So I did 5-25 milligram Roxasettes on Saturday night going into Sunday morning. I blacked the fuck out on like Friday or Saturday at like 7 a.m. I blacked out. I didn't sleep the whole weekend. The operas were probably the only thing keeping you from not blacking out at the beginning part, right? Oh, yeah. Well, I was doing a ton of Coke the first night.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And then I finished all the Coke and then I started doing the ecstasy. But I blacked out just from an overload of shit in my brain. But I didn't sleep at all weekend the whole time. No, I didn't. Really? I thought for years, I thought I didn't drink at all that weekend. And then I, like, years later, I was already sober.

And I ran into a buddy of mine who's also now sober. And he, like, recal... So I blacked out that whole weekend. I remember cumulative, probably, like, 25 minutes from the weekend. That's what's up. And then the rest of just, like, shit that people filled into me. Like, oh, yeah, I found you doing this. I found you doing this.

Just, like, crazy shit. Like, somebody found me in the ocean. Just, like, swimming at 6 o'clock in the morning. and it's not warm. Come on it, guys. It's like April or May in New Jersey. The water's not warm. Jesus, freezing.

Six o'clock in the morning, they just found me swimming and just, like, pulled me out of the water. So, like, that story is told to me. Someone told me I was, like, sitting on a overpass, like, on a highway with him. Like, I went there with him. Years later, he told me the story.

He's like, you remember when we did this? And I was like, no, I don't remember that at all. Sitting on an overpass and we're, like, talking about our life and, like, if we should jump, we're, like, sobbing, crying. Oh, my God. And we watch a, fucking construction crew

demolish a building at like 8 o'clock in the morning that's kind of awesome with a wrecking ball like just take the whole and we watched the whole thing for like an hour and I have no recollection of it

whatsoever yeah but it was just shit like that people would tell me so I remember like maybe 20 or 25 minutes from the whole thing and I always thought I didn't drink but I ran into this guy

years later I was already sober and he was like dude you remember like that fucking weekend and blah blah blah because we were never like really close but we spent some time together that weekend there's always those people you had like

every once in a while we had a bunch of mutual friends here's a cool guy I liked him a lot but we were different towns whatever and he was like yeah like I didn't drink whatever and he was like we like polished off

a six pack of red stripe at one point so I did have like three beers but just drugs mostly it was yeah just nonstop drugs the whole time yeah it was a lot of fun it was kind of tiny

yeah it was really crazy so that is that the answer because jumping my mind is like that is the answer yeah whatever your problem is that's the answer because it's funny because I'm like I look at Bonnaroo and I'm like could I do it now

I don't really do a bunch of drugs. And I'm like, I guess it's really only for people that are severely on drugs or just really like the music. Yeah. Yeah. I think a day fest is cool, though.

I can do it. It's an E&M, right? No, it's a mix of everything. It's like, yeah, it's a ton of stuff. I know people that go to about, like, Blink 182 is played Bonnero. Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? It's just like a music festival. Yeah. It's not like going to Burning Man. Right. But four days is too much. Like, I think I would go to a day festival where it's like you see a bunch of bands for a day you like.

Rolling Wow. Yeah, that would be nuts I've surprised I went to that I would do rolling out But that's more rap That's more my speed Yeah, but I never I've been to a good rap concert

I went Oh riff rap Whiz Khalifa Whiz Khalifa Yeah, I was in a Whiz Caliph the other day I thought I'm such a contrarian I hated him in high school

Because everybody liked them I have this thing That if people like things I immediately assume they fucking stuff I do that for most stuff But music I, music is the only thing That I'm probably not that

Where I go to the charts Just to see what I want to listen to Yeah That's all If America decides the song is good I like that song Yeah, yeah. Well, I feel like now it's just probably like Lizzo.

No, it's fucking, it's like weird people, like push-aisty. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Sounds cool, I guess. Yeah, it's all right. That's, music is really the only thing where I'm like, I don't really care. If it's on the charts, I'll listen. Yeah, see, that's how I am with movies.

Somebody says a movie's good. I'll see it. Not always even. I have like a list of movies that people have recommended me that I want to watch, and then I just won't, like, when I want to watch a movie, I'll just watch Rambo 5. I just won't watch any of the movies on the list. Yeah, I'm kind of the same way, dude.

I like things like... I like shit like dad. It's just like a fun. Are you doing work right now? He's opening a laptop on the fucking podcast. Did you get an assignment? No, somebody asked me if I did something or not. I just want to double check.

I'm good, though. You're good, all right. You think you would get fired from your job? You think you could get fired from your job? You think you could get fired from my job every day. But do you think because of something like this? Of this? Like the podcast?

No, they know I'm a comic. I don't think they have any idea who I am, though. Hell yeah. Keep it that way. Don't get it that way. Don't get a career. Everyone knows I'm a comic

And no one knows What are your parents Think about you getting fired Can you plug that in By the way Just give a little jam Yeah There you go

What do you're gonna They They've gone to the point Where they're like Because this is like The I mean I got fired a month Like I'm just getting fired

Just Did my third time Getting fired in a year How are you making rent bro? Barking And unemployment Now the unemployment Hasn't came through

But a lot of bar I also show my car Now unemployment's like Just a few hundred bucks a week You don't get that Extra Yeah boost

That double doubles it up. No, it's true. It's true. Um, you said he sold your car. I didn't even know you had a car. Yeah, I had a car on Florida. So like four years ago. I just, it's my savings. That's not. That's right. You know, also my bar mitzvah, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're burning through money. But, uh, they were, they're pretty cool about it. They're like, hey, you know, they're like this podcast. You should just marry your girlfriend. So her money is also yours. Yeah. She's not a lot of money right now. It's more than you. That's true. That's a good point. Yeah. It's a good point. Just right now just do it. Yeah. I'll fucking do it. Babe. Babe, you know, you know, you've been asking forever. Let's fucking get it over with it. But my parents are fun.

They were like those jobs. They're a bunch of cock suckers, their pussies. So they support you. No, they didn't say that. They're like, have you fucking heard a Legion of Skanks? Bro, that's what you should be. Hold on. Wait, do they not like you?

Do they not support you? No, no, they love me. They're like, you'll figure it out. My dad wants me to get a job that like I enjoy. And I'm like, I'm not going to enjoy me. They're like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's like, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's kind of where it is at. He's supportive. the podcast. Really? What's up, Poppy? He loves it. No, yeah, I don't think he likes it. Does it? I think he'll, no, there's no way he likes it. Um, but it, one of his business friends would listen to him. He's like, hey, I listened to this Casey Anthony episode. I was like, yeah, that was like, he said, it was funny though, because he had like a business friend that was like, oh, I listened to the podcast. And then I looked and the guy was on episode, he's like,

I've listened to all of them. And I'm like, he listened to 80 hours. Like, there's no 80 episodes out. Probably around that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I feel like, yeah, I always see it. You're always putting out a new episode on Instagram. Like, every week I see like one or two new episodes. Somebody keeps opening my door. Do you feel that? Yeah, it sounds like something's coming to your girlfriend. No, I also, I feel bad to her.

Lozneck. Okay, you were saying, yeah, I'm putting episodes out all the time. No, it's not my girlfriend. She's at work still. I'm just saying good job. Somebody just opened your door and we just like move past that? Yeah, it's whatever. What do you mean?

It's whatever. Somebody can just walk right in. I don't, they can shoot me in the face. I'm living on the edge. I'm not even kidding. I'm living on the head. Living on the edge. It's not like a depression thing.

I have this thing where I just stopped giving a fuck this week. Where you die, you're like, what? I mean, that's fine. It just happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, that's how, yeah, I feel like that all the time. I guess that is depression in a way. But I'm not like, I'm not like, I don't care about my life.

I'm like, I'm tired of being stressed out about shit that I'm like, I'm just young. So if you died, you'd be cool, yeah. I'm not saying that. I used to feel that way. I think that all the time, dude. Like, when I'm walking down the street, when I'm sad, which is like a lot. but like if I'm walking down the street I'm like this tree just like fell and

killed me I used to be nice really yeah I think that a lot damn I think that never see if I think that a lot I'm the opposite when I'm depressed I'm like all right I gotta keep getting through this come on get your shit together but more there's this between depressed and stressed and when I'm stressed I think I reached such a level

of stress that I was like I can't care anymore about anything because it's like I'll try hard for stuff but it's like I'm not you're just I'm not gonna waste my day stress I don't really get stressed because in my head I'm like nothing matters. Like, honestly, though, like, that's going to sound like really morbid, but I'm always like, nothing really matters that much.

Yeah, when it really comes down to it. Not in like a like, like, nothing matters life is pointless way. I'm just like, I don't know, like literally nothing matters and life is pointless. Yes, but I'm also, I'm more than that where it's like people get stressed about stuff. I'm like, why? Like, doesn't really fucking mat. Like, I don't know. If you owe money, it's like, all right, you just owe money.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Like, stop. Like, I don't know. I don't get stressed. It's a liberating. if you take it in the way of like, why am I going to get worried or like get mired down in something

when it's like, I'm going to die in a certain amount of time and eventually no one will remember me. So nothing I really do has any consequence. If you don't take that in a way of like, I'll fucking hurt anyone I want. Yeah, yeah. If you don't do that,

then it's a good thing. Because you're like, oh yeah, I'll just do whatever I think is right. And I'm not going to like worry too much. When I first like started doing comedy and I like quit my job, it was a waiting tables. I quit my job because it was like interfering every once.

I was like, not getting any shows, but it was like, it could interfere. Yeah, there's that level where you're like, I'm not going to miss one show. No,

I can't. I missed one show. I missed one opportunity to bark because I had to work. And I was like, I'll never work at night again. That's it. Yeah, yeah.

And so I quit my job. And I was like, I'm going to go into this. And like, it was right before I started barking like every single day. So it was making like a little bit of a scratch, you know? But I was like,

I couldn't fucking sleep at night because I was like, freaking out about like that decision. I was like, this is a horrible idea, dude. I'm like, I fucking suck at this, and I'm, like, not ready to be doing it full time. But I'm, like, yeah, but it's just like fucking whatever. Who cares? Who cares, you know? I'll be poor.

Exactly. Exactly. Like, I've reached a point. I think it's because I've reached that point in my life where I used to work nine to five and then I got fire. And now I'm like, well, this is my life. I'm never going back. Yeah.

So I'm kind of like, whatever, dude. Yeah. I don't get to fuck. No, 100%. And that, yeah, that's a huge part of it, too. because you have like, the best of those little things you think about, you're like, oh, man, should I, should I have worded this message differently? Yeah.

And I'm like, who fucking cares? Like, I just stop giving a fuck. That's why you see, like, old people do shit like that. They just don't care who they offend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got like six years left. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. They're not close-minded.

They're just honest. Yeah. They're saying all the things you want to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is interesting because, like, you wonder, your brain tells you so many things that are like, oh, that's an incorrect thought, so you think differently in a way. And I wonder what happens when your brain just stops caring. When your brain goes, no, I think that way now.

Nope, you know what? I think that Indian guys do only do that or something. What? I literally, I couldn't think. You know what my favorite stereotype is nowadays, by the way? Since being on McDougal street a lot is Indian women throw up from alcohol more than any body. Yeah. It's the funniest thing in the world to me.

Every night on McDougal, there's an Indian woman with her Indian boyfriend holding her hair because she's throwing up everything she's ever. you. Dude. It's hilarious because it happens so all. You know when like you see like a stereotype and you're like a gay guy's rollerblading? You're like, that's fucking funny because that's what you're supposed to be doing. And then you see an indie woman throwing up. You're like, okay, this is just getting

better and better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're also like I fucking love it. In a lot of ways, these stereotypes, it's not going to physically hurt somebody applying for jobs. Like I thought about the Asian karate one. So like Asian people, I get it because of math, right? You can't be like, oh, Asians are good at math because then you apply for a job and then they

might be an English major and somebody's going to make him do math. And I get how that caused a problem. But nobody's going to look at a Chinese guy and be like, yeah, we're going to have you guard the building. You know what I mean? It's like, it's so out there that you're like, all right, that's not. And the rollerblading things get there too. That's my favorite roller blade things. I saw a gay guy came up to me. I was selling tickets. A full suit on, Bluetooth, and roller skates. I roll up. I go a comedy show. He goes, no, thank you. I'm working. And then flies off. And I was like, this is amazing. That's awesome. It would have been hilarious if he hockey stopped, said, no, thank you, I'm

working and then kept going. You know, like you stop on rollerblades? No, but it would have been funny if he did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would have been if you tried to that one fell over. Roller plates are the funniest. My favorite is, there was, I worked at this one job. You're always waiting for someone to fall when you see them on them.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And it's also funny to talk shit on rollerblades. Like, I saw this one guy one of my jobs. I was just outside eating a sandwich and this guy, Roller Blade flies. He goes, hey man, he had a GoPro and he's like filming like a little rollerblade video. And he's like, hey, man, you can't rollerblade here. He goes, there are no rules. My mom dated somebody in college

That somebody called him gay on rollerblades And the guy Rollerbladed up to the guy Climbed in his car and beat the shit out of the guy Rollerbladed up Imagine just like How can you get like the leverage? How do you not like push your feet down

When I'm rolling back? Yeah I don't know man you get really good at it Rollerblading was really big in like The 2000 like middle 2000 Like there was a movie on Disney channel There's a part of the park you could go to It's like right

it's kind of right by sheep's meadow it's where the fruit booters hang right that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like the slur for them fruit boaters fruit yeah it sounds like a slurfer because they're also gay yeah it is yeah i'm sure skateboarders are not like oh look how tough these guys but it's like a dancing roller blade party that sounds pretty cool yeah or rollers skates too like the older ones with one wheel

in the front one wheel in the back and not like a a ring of would you pay me to go to a protest in on rollerblank It's just like, I don't know why that's so funny to go to like a serious, like, police brutality protest, but just be on skates. Is that like when your dad's like, get a job you care about is crisis actor? Like you're not wrong. That'd be cool. That'd be funny. That'd be funny.

But like, this isn't real. I know it. Like, I'd be a funny sketch. You go to William Morrison or like a talady. Just be like, come on. I want to pretend. Where's the next school shooting? I'll be there.

I'll pretend I was shot. Yeah. Those things were, uh, obviously, I don't think the crisis actor thing is real. funny. Did you ever watch that one interview? You don't? No, I know that. Maybe some of it. Okay. That's all I wanted. I think it's hammed up every once in a while, you know? I just wanted I just wanted to see. Yeah. No, I think maybe

a little bit. But I think none of it. Not in this. Like, I think it's a real thing. But the one thing that was interesting is that David Hogg guy, like the Parkland kid, there was an interview of CNN talking to him. And they're like, okay, say now that you can never imagine anything like this happening. And he's like, okay, I went, I can never imagine anything like. I'm like, that's true. Yeah, he was in his school shooting, but there's also. No, that, that, that, that, I, I, those two things can be separate. There can be no crisis.

Like that could have, but that is schemy too. To be like, hey, now see. Yeah, but that's, that's more like,

like, that's just media coaching. Yeah. Yeah. That is so funny, though, to be like, all right,

can you say the blood of my classmates will always be stained on my hands? Well, it's like, why do you expect the person that went through

this thing to also be like a profound speaker? That's the, yeah, do you hear people talk and they, they fucking suck at it sometimes, you know?

I bet you, there was probably 40 kids that went through was like, this is horrible. I'm right, okay. Next. Bring it, hog. This kid's got to fucking look to him.

What's the Louis joke about that? You never seen it? Where's one is it? It's the one that never got released because it was when he was coming back. And then he's like, I never watched that. I'm supposed to believe.

I'm supposed to listen to you because you push somebody out of the way. Yeah, you push the fact. It's just the funniest line. Basically the same thing. It's like what? Basically, it's like the idea of like, oh, we're supposed to listen to these people

who were in a school shooting because they push some fat kid out of the way. Yeah. It's like, fuck you. you're not smart. Yeah. You just had a horrible thing. Because you didn't get shot.

Yeah. That's the joke basically. Yeah. I mean, it is funny because you're taking the bat. I mean, I don't have to explain comedy. But yeah,

yeah, yeah. But yeah, half the kids are probably just like in a horrible state to be interviewed then. Yeah, more than half. Probably all of them.

I've met two people that survived a school shooting. Really? Who? Jay. Really? What? Yeah.

Where did they? J. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. It was in a school shooting. which one? I don't know.

Virginia Tech. maybe it was in college it was in college it was like in 2003 oh yeah it was in 2003 but it was a while yeah also well it's like 26 yeah but we were in like four years ago could have been that one in Maryland where like the blonde guy

sacrificed himself or whatever remember that one no dude was a hunk too was he hot guys die it's sad it's really sad it is funny when hot people die to see hot men die more than I hate to see Do you remember the hot lady from UPenn who killed herself and like everybody, it was like the biggest, like, you know how sometimes people just for whatever reason become the poster boy or girl for something? Yeah. She was the poster girl for suicide. Suicide. It happens to hot people too. Just because her hot doesn't mean life is great. Yeah. And she was at UPenn and she was so hot. And then she killed herself and everybody was like, damn. But that's even when like when Brian Laundrie murdered his fiance or whatever, you think that's front page cover. if she wasn't a fucking smoke show.

No, no, no. If she wasn't front page worthy, then this isn't a national story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, 100%.

How often do you think that happens with a girl and a guy that just are not good-looking black? I'm not saying. No, I was saying the media doesn't like... What do you want to name this episode? That's not what I was saying.

I always say the media doesn't cover that stuff as much of white crime. Yeah, it sounds like the media is the problem. It's not what I would say. You mean Jews. You're part of the media. I am.

Yeah, but you start covering it. The social media. We're the blue. black murder victim podcast. That's not what you. I'm just saying black. We only talk about the black people on here and how they murder the women.

That's not what I was saying. God damn it. But like that's got to happen all the time where like a man murders his girlfriend or his fiance or who's suspected of it. A woman goes missing and they're just kind of busted. Yeah, she's 300 pounds, man. No one cares. Bring me something that matters.

You know, send me a photo of her face. She was murdered. Well, there was... Just, what does she look like? Yeah, yeah. Wasn't there... There was that murder recently in, like, Queens, right?

Didn't some guy like... Oh, yeah. But that's interesting, no matter what, because she was, like, cut up a bunch, wasn't she? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess how you do it makes it interesting, too,

because somebody getting shot, nobody cares. That's also... You know what I mean? I think somebody murders her girlfriend by shooting them, nobody cares. By the way, like, the Brooklyn shooting

just fucking came and went so quick, man. Oh, of course. Some of these things just fucking... I know, but it's just like... That was, that day, it felt like, oh, we're going to be talking about this for a while. Yeah, we moved on fast.

Yeah. I mean, good. But I'm also just saying, like, I just came and went. Also, this podcast is so backlog that we're going to talk about. This is going to be like nine months now because everyone... It's 2023 right now. Yeah, yeah. It will be.

It genuinely might be. That's, I mean... That's not that bad. I don't know. But, yeah, that one was interesting too because, dude... I mean, the crime in the city is fucking wild. Like, you can visually see how much worse shit kind of is. And I don't know how to...

I don't know. I don't know the answer with getting it back on track. we were talking about that homeless guy Damn you don't Fucking cops No no But we were talking about that shit We're like

That homeless guy The redhead guy Would you have a dollar two Which one? That guy? That guy? Or Jonathan? Maybe he's a guy

Kind of talks like this White guy You got a couple dollars That's Jonathan A couple Dolores Yeah The guy The Luis CK guys

You got dollar two No Yeah You got dollar to You got dollar to He always has snot He's the most disgusting

so much human being ever. And I don't feel bad. Dude, there are nine hours of me just shitting on this podcast might as well be me just like shitting on homeless people. I felt bad for one for the first time in a long time. That's sad. I do feel bad for all.

No, but every once in a while, I mean, because usually there's so many of them, right? We're standing outside. So you're just lost in that. You can't feel bad for every single one because you wouldn't be able to walk 50 feet. Right. But every once in a while something happens that you see one and you're like, dude, that's like a person, man. He was born somewhere, you know, parents or whatever. The guy, you got a dollar

to him. Oh, you might have been there for this. I think he was on Monday. I'm standing outside the pair with like a few people, whatever. And he's like, he comes up to me and whoever I'm with. He's like, excuse me, you got a dollar to? And everyone's like, no, we don't. And then behind him is a bouncer from the fucking seller. And he's just like, you got a dollar for me? You got a dollar for me? Right behind him, like touching him. You got a dollar for me? Oh, you just fucking with him? Walking him down the street Walked him all the way To the end of the block

You got a dollar for me? You got a dollar for me? Just like nonstop And I was like The bounce I get it dude Yeah I'm like I get it A hundred percent

I get it You deal with this guy Every day Yeah but you have to be a fucking dick like Maybe that's a fucking human Yeah Maybe it's a bit I got no dollars

Yeah I've seen some shit Like that Where people really fuck And you're like Dude come on Like that was one time There was one You came into the homeless dude

He's like Yo I'll give you $10 if you go Punch that guy in the face face. And the guy's like, I don't do violence. He goes, well, don't ask me for any fucking money. And the guy didn't even ask him for money. Yeah, he goes, I did. Yeah, but that guy also, the dog guy has snots.

I don't know why. Who is a snot? Oh, yeah, dude, I mean, like, it is sad because, like, where's he going to go clean up? But he's fucking gross, man. Yeah. And it's like, dude, get away. Get away. Show up to your job looking good, dude.

Snot gross to be out. Snot, really, does that too? I can't think about it If he had come on his face I would get great That was so weird That you just reacted like that I see it every day

Was that genuine? Buggers What the fuck? Is that real what you're doing right now? We'll talk about some else I get crosed out by boogers Just like Don't throw up on my phone

Dude Stop please stop All right so we're talking about Kids getting shot in high school So okay Let's move on Eli is still just doing work right now. It's so funny. I'm getting paid, too. Boogers, snot, boogers all over the guy's face.

Stuff, stop, stop, stop. But I'll say to you, I also, I want to do more shit in New York that's like outdoorsy. I don't know. I want to go. Why come throw the football in the park with me, bro? I suck it throwing football. I'll watch the big boys throw it down. Yeah, I've seen you throw football. I mean, fucking retarded. When did you see you look terrible throwing a football? When did you see me throw to football? Uh, sketched with you and Dan a while ago. Oh, yeah, yeah. So stupid. Were you know, like, un-intrusionally bad? You were, you must, did you play any sports? Yes, I played football.

In high school. Dude, no, middle school. Yeah, I was fourth string, my eighth grade year. What position? Six through eighth grade. What position? Yeah, okay, so you never threw. No, no.

You look very unathletic, is what you're saying. I am the least athletic person on the fucking planet, dude. It was literally like, I joined football because I thought it would get me pussy in middle school. And then I realized you had to be good at football. I was like, well, that's fucking stupid. I thought I just joined the team. And you were trying to get pussy in middle school? Dude, how did you start fucking?

I just started fucking until, like, I was 16. because I was trying to hold off on it. I really wanted Dome. That was my thing. So I was like... So... I remember when I was a kid, I was like, listen, I'll get jerked off,

I'll get blown, but I'm going to wait until I meet the girl I love. And then I got hammered and it just slipped in. I was like, that's my virginity. I stopped carrying. But, you know, I got my first hand job when I was, I think, 13, got my first blow job at 14. There's not nothing... But I was always trying.

You know, you're always trying to get pussy? Yeah. And I thought joining the football team would, like, do that. I mean, I got my first kiss on the football team in the locker room with a boy. Really? No. When did you get your first kiss with the boy? Didn't you do a thing where your friend lost a bet so you had to blow you?

No, no, no, no, no. This would have to blow him. No, no, no. I had to blow him. Yeah, yeah. No. I was in Spain when I was 14. And this girl goes, if you kiss that dude on the lips for a second, then I'll suck your dick.

And I thought this was just some cool thing that I was like, what a great prize. Yeah, I'll kiss this dude on the lips for him. It was like a peck. Yeah, that's fine. And then she's like, I'm not going to fucking blow you. That's weird. And then the whole life So you blew him?

Yeah, I play, I lost. But it's somebody in middle ice squall. Is this make me gay? Because I pecked a dude on the lips to get blown by a chick. But, yeah, that's actually the straightest thing you can do. Because you're trying to get. Pussy.

Yeah. Mouth. Dude, I'm trying to get some mouth. That sounds cool as shit. Sodomy is still illegal in Florida. Did you know that? Really? What is sodomy?

Sodomy is not vaginal sex. Even a blow job is sodomy. Really? That's what's saddaby means? Yeah, yeah. Just not vaginal. Sex. Them, they say that in church so much. And I feel like I've never understood

what they have. Well, because there's always those Christian girls that fucking the ass and they're like, oh, well, technically I do a guy that would bang this girl in the well, soak it. Yeah, isn't that when you just leave your dick in them for like a minute? No, no, no, no, until you, I guess, I don't know. Until you come? Yeah. That's the Mormon shit. That's awesome. Yeah. The friction is that, that's so weird. That doesn't make any sense.

You just leave it in. You don't thrust. Either one. You just... You just sponge it, soak it a little bit? Yeah. You just park it. Yeah. Yeah. Soaking. That's how the Mormons do it. Yeah.

Do you know about that? You can literally catch HIV. Close your lap. We were completely tuned out. Oh, okay. We were talking about Soak? Yeah. Were you religious?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, you were on the baseball team and you have a tattoo that's religious, right? Yeah. What does it say? I'm trying to get some mouth. Trying to get some mouth. No sodomy around here. No sodomy around this part.

That is sodomy. I know, but not in the mouth. I was joking about that. Okay. My tattoo says no sodomy. that's just a crazy like I don't know what the end goal is for that if you're like if you're theoretically put down the Bible and you're like all right you have to not have sex before marriage

but you can't get married well realistically that is why I left religion because I did it's why a lot of people live well I well I felt I had sex in high school and then I went to college and because like I would this whole story whatever I got religious and I was like okay I'm gonna stop having sex yeah and then like my people around me because I'm like somebody where I got it if I'm doing something I have to do it 100% right so when people

I respect that so much no but like I can half ass so much yeah no but I mean good or bad like if I'm on a diet and I break it I'm eating all of the food right yeah so when I was doing religion

I was like I'm gonna do it then and then I saw other people around me who were like quote religious and like fucking and I was like well how can you justify that yeah and then I was like so you're lying so I'm fucking done and I'm not gonna do this so I left you could theoretically say there are some good things about this book and some bad things like the new Batman movie right I always tie it to that

I think a lot of it sucks, but some of it's good. Name one part, that was good. I'm kidding. I don't really care. Yeah, yeah, no, I don't. But it did suck. Pattinson sucks as Batman, and more of Bruce Wayne. But Batman's like your thing. Right, right.

Just like the Bible could be my thing. But I'm like, I don't like this part of it. Like, you could theoretically be like, this is wrong, this is right. Because it's written by like so many different people. You could be like, this was all correct. This was all bullshit. This was all correct. This is all bullshit. Because like, you think 12 disciples are all going to agree on the same shit.

They're going to have different interpretations. They're fucking better. It's like the founding. 12 jurors have to agree on a murder. You believe 12 Jews about anything? No, not the Jews. No. No.

You were barmets, right? Yeah. Would you do a, if you, I don't know where I was going with that. Just a jury of 12. A jury of 12 Jews. That's what I was thinking of. Like, if you had to go to court and it was just 12 Hasidic Jews.

That idea, like, it's like the judges with the things. Yeah, yeah. The judge is like a normal guy, but it's just the whole jury is just the same Jew, like, copy paste. all of times. I don't know. You're like, what the fuck, bro?

He's like, no, this is good for us. Yeah. Yeah. I know this. Yeah. We're good.

Were you, what's there's between Ashkenazi and Sephardic, right? That's the other. Damn, dude. That's like his fucking black people murder bit.

Yeah. That's not what I was saying. Yeah, this is where they're from. Yeah. Ashkenazi are like, they're European Jews. So like,

Austria. Like, Poland. Yeah. Anyone. In Europe. Not like Spain. I should name every single country.

So like David Hazute, he's going to be more of a Sephardic Jew. Because he's from Morocco. Jared Schwartz, that's an Ashkenazi Jew. That's like a perfect example of the two. You know what I mean? Anytime you have like that stereotype of like just like a, like a bitchy Jew, they're always Ashkenazi. Safari Jews because Sephardic Jews are Arabs. Right.

So like what's his name? Who's that comic who's brown? He's from Libya. not Libya. Adam Mada? No, no, no, no. He's Jewish. He has a joke about the airport,

and he's at our level. He has an airport joke about, he wants him to really search his balls. No? I don't know this guy, dude. Huge ass, great dump truck, but, he licked his butt on one time. I had sex with his mom.

All right, Kaplan? Yes, yes, yes. That's exactly who I was doing. Yeah, he's more of, No, that's not what I was talking about. He's more of Ashkenazi, I think. Yeah. Were you, you had a barman's for, right?

Yeah, yeah. How much money did you make? Really? Were you poor? Why? Yeah, because we like piggybacked on another bar mitzvah. That is the most Jewish thing possible.

That is the most Jewish thing possible? No, no, what was it? So I like, I mean, my parents didn't have like a ton of money. I'm just kidding. Yeah. You grew up fucking rich. I did. I ever seen pictures of this dude's house in Florida?

Yeah, there you go. Exactly. Money makers. I'm embracing it. I used to be like, well, actually. I used to not on a talk about it. I'm like, well, technically, I mean, to be fair, my parents aren't loaded.

But it's so far. What it's... How much money does your dad make a year? No idea. That big of a number? No, I just... I don't know, Matt. Two things, it counts.

I don't even... I'm a job. I don't know that. I can't count past three million. Yeah, yeah, no, that's definitely not that. Six million. But, uh... It wouldn't definitely...

Definitely wouldn't be that low. Come on. No, actually, I have no idea. I literally don't know if they make... I have no idea how much that makes. Let's call them up. See how much you do. Yeah, how much too big.

But, uh... It is funny, though, because you think about rich New York and it's like way different. because rich people in Florida are just not, unless you live in Miami. Like, a rich guy in Orlando is like a nice house there is not even anything. So I used to, this is kind of real. I used to caddy at this club that, like, I thought they were so rich because they were rich around like us, like rich people. But then I moved to this new, there's a, there's different levels of rich. And when you start, it's fucking crazy how rich some of these people are.

Oh, yeah, yeah. People have like personal drivers. You're fucking the new job you were telling me about. That's insane. Yeah, the new course I might work at. The membership fee is $450,000. Like, walk in the door. 450. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't think my parents...

Dude, that's crazy. Yeah. You don't think your parents can afford that? If you're that, you would know. Yeah, yeah, I think I would know. Your parents don't have like drivers. You said they have drivers and stuff? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're not at that level. Yeah, yeah. No, but not even Uber's like a personal driver. You're like, yeah, dude, shit's crazy. Yeah. Um, so you were, you were poor and, uh, you were like, I was, I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't poor. We were probably very similar.

You know, you had no money. You were an orphan. Yeah, exactly. You had no shoes. Oliver Twist. What did your dad? What did your dad do? My parents were in the clothing industry. Textiles. Wholesalers. Are they the ones that fired me? Probably.

You know that like sculpture in the garment district of the guy like over the sewing machine and he's got a Yamakan? That's my father. Really? Yeah. That guy is my dad. That's very impressive. Yeah. But he's poor for some reason.

We're going to find the poorest guy and make a statue of it. Yeah. Can you give me some money? No. We'll make a cool statue for you. Spend all Eli's bar mitzva money on the statue. Yeah. but um so i like uh uh i was gonna have a bar mitzvah and so my parents were like all right we're gonna do this thing and they're like fucking expensive you ever go to them yeah one and i had to wear the in north jersey the yammy yeah you had to it's you ever like i like yeah i like yeah so it's like usually they like wearing that they ball out dude they like get like either like a whatever like some kind of like event center or something like that play where they do weddings or whatever yeah yeah and they'll like have it there they have like the synagogue part and then they have the part and then they have the part

party part and there's a meal and whatever and there's like games and shit and like a theme but they're expensive people spend like tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands of dollars on these things yeah so we're gonna hundreds of thousands oh yeah oh yeah dude people like rich families they'll drop like half a mill on a bar mitzvah they get fucking crazy they're as expensive as weddings weddings get crazy expensive yeah so my uh we're gonna do this thing and uh i already didn't want a party because I don't like I knew people that were Jewish in my school

Was you drug in at this time? It was just getting started I started smoking weed when I was 12 You do a bar mitzvah, 13 So I started like really getting into drugs When I was like 15 There is also always like a Jewish kid That smokes weed before everybody

I feel like am I high There's always that was you yeah But like I knew all the kids That had bar mitzvahs And like did it you know big All the ones I went to Were like crazy expensive No shot

I was going to be able to do that. And also, I didn't really hang out with any Jewish kids. All my friends were not Jewish. And I don't fucking, like, invite them to this thing. Exactly. Yeah. All my friends are dead. You know.

That's my thing. I'm not going to do that. So whatever. My parents, like, there's another guy, another kid with, like, a birthday close to mine in the synagogue. So he was going to have a bar mitzv. And so they rented out his family, like a room in a hotel where you do a wedding. And they had the whole fucking thing set up and food and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so he goes up with the rabbi.

rabbi and like reads the Torah and the big moment and his family's like clapping. Your parents are like running there. Get it. And also Eli like. Seriously. He goes up and like his dad's there and like claps him on the back and because you're a man now. You know what I mean? That's like the right of passage. The rabbi was like you got to do the right thing here. Like really just told them to like do it.

So he goes through has this big moment, whatever. And then he reads his thing. And then the rabbi's like, all right, we got like we got one more. And they bring me up. I do it real quick. And then we just leave the room. People go. We left immediately after. I like read the shit and then we just went home. That's great.

That is literally amazing. Did you go to friendlies or anything? No. Just went home. There's no friendlies in my time. Wait, so did they know leading up or they literally just like last minute threw you in there? I knew like it was going to be like that Saturday. I think I found out when it was maybe a month ahead of time.

Maybe. It's not like your brother and shit. And that's how long I had to know. Was the kid pissed or was it? I never talked to him. I just like snucked right in. I like, it was like I rushed the stage like Bobby Lockwood. I also love how immediately, I think I made one Jewish joke, and then I'm like, Eli, you're Jewish, right?

So we can get out of the school I have right here. What joke bombs? And I'm like, Eli, you... I had dinner with my girlfriend's parents last night for the first time. I met him. And the dad said something about Jews. I don't even remember what it was nothing. Which is good.

No, he said nothing about Jews. He just like, he like mentioned Jews or something like that, right? And I think he said like Jewish even. He mentioned it. And then I think in his mind, he's like, oh, I know he's Jewish. And he goes, do you have like a, do you have a Jewish background? A Jewish background? So funny.

You have a background and being a Jewish? You have an experience with long black coats, maybe, or funny beards? White t-shirts that you cut. Yeah, they only wear one outfit for the rest of your life. I always, the white, the arts and craft t-shirts that they like cut. Well, they're just super long. Yeah, but then they cut them. No, that's like a separate thing.

The string. Oh, really? That's part of a shirt that's under that button down shirt. Oh. Yeah, they're like tied together. I'm gonna start dripping like that. I might get one of those things. I'm dripping like the juice.

Yeah. Is that a song? Could be. The Catholic's looking bad. The Pope will take a pin. Daug, beat, bud. Be careful. You're getting upset about it.

What are you going to say? I'm going to say he looks like a pimp. Yep. But he bangs kids. He's a pimp. Like a pimp. That's what I call. Shout out to Francis.

He's a pimp. A fucking test a pimp. Pope Francis. Have you experienced blatant anti-Semitism besides me in a group chat showing you murdering Jesus with Jason? The most blatant anti-Semitism comes from the people who care about me the most.

Absolutely. I've been like, I want to have, this is like true. And I've said it on stage a few times, I never like did anything really with it. But I was like, I was one time walking down the street with another comic. It was like in between mics. They were in the village.

We're walking down the street, middle of the day. And this black kid with a guitar. too. There's a black kid with a guitar is walking towards me. And, uh, you're like, kind of like, see each other normally. Already weird.

I don't see a beatbox. I don't know what's going to be. If you're a black kid with a guitar, you're a certain type of black kid. Greenwich Village. You know, sure. Kind of beat Nikki. Yeah.

And so he's walking towards me. And as he gets like fucking like this far away, he's like, yo, what up, my kike? And I like, look down like, am I wearing like a fucking star of David right now? Yeah.

And I like, go to him. I was like, did we know that guy? I don't think so. This is fucking wild. I had no idea how he knew. Or I didn't even know that blacks and Jews rocked like that. Was he a Hasidic?

You should have said the N word back. Yeah, I wanted to. I get one, right? That's why you gotta go blow for blow. Was he a black Israelite? I don't think so.

That could, that would be interesting. He had a guitar. He was like an artsy kind of kid, you know? Yeah. And he just had no idea. I also,

I worked for years. I worked, like my first time ever, I worked for a landscape and company, kind of for my uncle. And he had a, like a 75, five-year-old Jamaican that worked there.

And so he didn't like do anything anymore. He just tell you what to do. We were like 14, 15. And he called everyone by their first name, except me. He called Jew boy. That's great. Come on, Jew boy. I was never even like, I was like, that's like fucking hilarious, dude.

Did he say it like that? Did he say it like that? Yeah. Jew boy. Jew boy. It sounds like a cool Jamaican. Like Jew boy on the clock. Yeah.

I was like, you're calling me that. It's like you, I think you like me. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. I had no problem with it. Yeah, I mean, it was a way to identify a boy that is Jewish. I mean, like, mentioned, somehow my mom found out about that.

And she's, I'm going to go down. I'm going to talk to him and be like, would you mind if I called you? And I was like, yeah, that's not the same thing. Literally everyone would mind. Yeah, I think everybody would not be. I'm going to throw it at you, TJ, now. You said... What's your experience with Jews?

Oh, I went to the bar mitzviz from once, and I was like, not my cup of tea. Not my... I don't like chair. in the air. Y'all are weird. Keep him on the ground. Y'all weird. No.

I got banned from one guy's remits because one time, I don't know. It's not like a regular occurrence. He just got thrown out. Yeah. Well, what? I think this guy literally banned me because I would say like, I don't know, I say jokes that are, I don't know, probably shouldn't say. I don't give a fuck.

Yeah. That's the point. But like, there's this guy named whatever. And I was like, oh, man, you crazy, Jew. I was just goofing on him. And then like, I saw the look on his face. What? I was like, I don't know.

I'm just saying fun stuff. Yeah, yeah. That's funny. But that guy, I remember I got, yeah, there was like four barments. I think word got around that they're like. I also was a piece of shit kid. Like they would not, like they were a birthday party. You were just trying to get topped.

I was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're trying to get topped by some big tittish girl. I was. That was the plot of my life. Yeah. And, uh, you got it going to be bitches there? You like Jewish girls?

No. No, no. Absolutely not. Whoa. Okay. No matter what I can't say what my girlfriend's not. So I like black girls? I think they're attractive.

Is your girlfriend Polish? I like Polish girls. Yeah. You're a vend to Poland. Is that what you're saying? Peg? Do you like, why would I peg your girlfriend?

Come on. Have you been pegged? What if you were like that like I would know. Fuck my girlfriend? You want to fight? No, you can peg my girlfriend. Yes, with a different penis. Exactly.

That's not your dick. I let you hold the dildo she goes on. Yeah. I've been to Poland, dude. The girls are so hot. Yeah, yeah. It's insane. But I think all raised, like I think Jewish girls are hot.

Well, okay. You didn't say this two seconds. I was kidding. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Comedy podcast. reaction was a little different.

Nope. Yeah. Do you like... When we were talking about mucus before, were you just like thinking about Jewish? It's not what else.

Are you thinking about not straight white women? What do you mean? Catholics? Catholic? Yeah. Never mind. I don't...

I definitely don't have a religion I'm never like, that's hot because it's girls this. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. I had never been that way. I'm like, Catholic school girls. There's always like a middle-aged old guy

who's like, you know, the horniest Catholic chicks. You know what? I have always been, my type is I like, and it's not, I don't have like a thing. I'm not into any one of them so that my type is white girls because socially they're the most similar to me because we have the most life experience that's in common with one another. And so we can understand each other the best. You're saying it in such a way that sounds confident, but it just sounds so bad.

Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? No, I don't. Okay, so you're saying, I'm saying I don't, I've hooked up with girls from, I think, probably every ethnicity. And I don't have like a thing like, I would never do that. And like,

I don't have one of the opposite where I'm like, no, I like Asian girls. You know what I mean? You just happen to the more white girls because you guys are around each other more. Yeah.

Because of where I grew up, where I went to high school. Most of the people I've hooked up with in my life are white. Right. So if you're going to like nail down a type, it's just my same type of person. You know something about nailing people down to a cross. Yeah, dude.

That's my victims, dude. Prophet. That show wasn't tight when you did that. I didn't like that very much. He was very disappointed that. Yeah. Yeah.

Fucking. Wasn't it the Romans though or something? No, it was Pontius Pilot. He was Roman. That's a pretty Roman name. It was the Romans. Yeah.

Pontius Pilots, dude. Shout out to Punch's Pilot. Yeah, well, here's the thing. Jesus wouldn't have been able to prove that he was the son of God if it wasn't for Pontius Pilate. Yeah.

Because he was able to be like, I find you all can kill me and then three years later. He was like, what up, bro? Yeah. That's true. That's true.

Well, What's also like, I don't know, if he really wanted to, like, not be killed, he could have done it. It's like, it's so funny to get mad at people like, oh, why did you kill guys? It's like, well, who did God make? These people killed them. It's like the whole plot of the movie was for him to die. He knew the whole time. Yeah, yeah.

He killed himself. Jesus completely killed himself. He had superpowers. Honestly, he was like suicide by cop. That's your bit, right? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You're just trying to set up your bit. I am.

Yeah. What do you guys want to promote, by the way, while that thing rings? Oh, come. Let me see. I've been using this new soap. It's pretty cool. I'd promote that. Yeah.

Yeah. It's all I want. No, T.J. France. T.J. France. That's it. I don't really care. I want to promote my new show love caddies at the stand. Oh, sick.

Everybody should come out. Yeah. I don't even remember. It's like one of the many things I got going on. So I want to promote that for sure. Yeah. Do not come. Don't come.

Don't come. Yeah. Oh yeah. No one's going to hear this for, I'm going to say it's on Thursday. Straight up don't come. Honestly, like, yeah, it's probably so long from now that I got. I got a piece so bad. Yeah.

I want you guys to hold it. Yeah. Hold it for me. I'm so tired. Sorry. I'm sorry. Shut the fuck up. All right.

Thanks. Thank you.