Morning Good - Looking For Mike - Episode 208

Episode Date: February 11, 2024

Bobby Sheehan, Ben Miller, and Patrick Haggerty join the show for today's episode. They talk about some fun recent homeless encounters, the politically_nsfw subreddit, and working for Taskrabbit.Thanks to Bobby, Ben and Patrick for all coming on the show for the first time. Check these guys out at their links below for dates and more.Bobby is on Instagram @bobbysheehanlol and hosts The Before Hours Podcast. Ben is on Instagram @thisisbenmiller and he is also embarking on the Stand-Up Science Tour all around the US and parts of Europe, so hit the link for tickets to that. Patrick is on Instagram @patrickhaggertycomedy and hosts the Sports and Stuff show on YouTube.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to the morning. Go, all right, we're here with Bobby Sheehan, Patrick Haggerty, and Ben Miller. Hi. And you were coming on rapping originally. I was wrapping the 10 crack commandments outside while crackheads walked by. Is that disrespectful? Or do they appreciate that?

No, I think that's the simple. That's like saying the Quran around Muslim people. It's the commandments. The Quran. Make sure you pronounce it that way, by the way, too. Are you going to burn their commandments in front of them? Oh, I would never do that. Imagine the fire bombs in front of the embassy of the crackheads around the world.

No way, I would say. It is interesting to do because, like, this is actually the, least crackhead infested neighbor infested that sounds horrible yeah this has been the least crackhead neighborhood I've been in everybody's trashes out everybody will be everything will be fine if you put the little

traps out like a mouse trap with some crack I don't think it's an I don't think anywhere's infested with the crackheads I welcome the crackheads crackhead welcomed neighborhoods that's nice yeah that's a safe haven for crackheads

okay speaking of drugs like about a week ago I was going to leave my apartment. My roommate, Dan Frank, was like, hey, Ben, you can't go outside. I was like, what? Oh, I think he told me it. Oh, yeah.

It was terrible to interrupt your story to be like, wait, no, I've heard this one. But let me hear from you. No, I need to tell the story. Michael already knows. Oh, I've heard this personal story. No, you tell it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Now, come on, you tell it. No, I'm just cooperating. That's word, right? Yeah, yeah. I'm just verifying the validity This is a real story. Ben is not a dirty liar in the podcast.

Yeah. Thank you for affirming a reputation in front of all these fun folk. Yeah, but so Dan was like, there's a guy and he's been throwing rocks at my window for the past 20 minutes. And so I go and I look, and yeah, this is crazy man.

He's throwing rocks. He's yelling for a man named Mike. No one in the apartment's named Mike. That's a good guess, though. That is a good bet. That is a good bet to be like there probably is a Mike in this apartment. Just a generic white.

name and he's like banging on the front door and we are very concerned because yeah he's clearly drunk i don't know if it's cracked i mean something it sounds like that that's the sound of the train yeah yeah sounds like pounding on the door um sorry just got flashbacks so so far this story sounds very romantic uh he was throwing pebbles at your window yeah he was holding up a boombox yeah that's nice who's gonna drive you home um yeah but luckily he was a white guys we could call the cops guilt free oh that's such a nice feeling you're like, I'm not even going to think twice about it. She's going to immediately called him.

Yeah. And then like 20 minutes later, a cop came. The cop called Dan. It was like, hey, is there a guy named Mike? Like, we told you, there's no Mike. I was like, guys, just bring Mike outside. Come on. Stop hiding him from us.

Yeah, but the time we were like, maybe. We had a missing person reported. His name was Mike. We're trying to look for. Yeah, Mike Hunt. Yeah. You guys get arrested for abducting Mike instead of the crackhead. Yeah, so we're in what seems like a pretty quiet neighborhood in the story except for this one drugged out guy potentially on crack.

Matt, I don't know. So I want to analyze this because I did see the video and I like breaking it down. So from what I saw on the video, he's throwing rocks. Yes. Which, to be fair, maybe he got the wrong address. There's a possibility that he just, like, I always wondered that about like hit men. Like there's got to be a time where they just go to the wrong. house or like, wait, three, four, five?

I think it's three, four, seven, and they just kill the wrong guy. Yeah, Sarah Kana. Yeah, he's the wrong Sarah Connor. Yeah, that'd be a funny deleted scenes in Terminator. He kills like five random people that aren't Sarah. He's like, we're all going to white. Yeah, well, well, that's what he does. He kills a bunch of different Sarah Connors. Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

He goes, like, you are Sarah? He's like, yes, it's like a different Sarah Connor. Now, are you Sarah with an H? I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to make a mistake. Yeah. But, but, but yeah, no, it would look like, like, like, he was throwing rocks and at some point there was a part of me that was like maybe he got the wrong

house but then there's a part where he's destroying his phone yes which yeah yeah he's trying to break his phone in half which like i've never seen i don't know i've seen people rip textbooks apart i never seen somebody break an iPhone in half there's a method you do it a certain way you can do it easy well that says what our society values breaking textbooks but not phones kids get off your phones okay there's a world outside yeah stop listening to this podcast and read Start doing crack. Yeah. He also had on a Supreme

hat, which isn't Supreme, like, a nice brand? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was supremely addicted to drugs. Yeah, it is possible he, like, stole it from somebody. Or it was, like, on the ground. It's like, he just found it. Yeah. Or maybe, like, Mike, I got your hat.

Yeah. Or maybe, like, he has, like, a very supportive family, but they just don't know how to help him. So they're like, we'll buy him cool gear. That'll be, like, good. They'll get him on his feet. If he looks good, maybe he'll get a job interview at like a douche factory or whatever, Supreme. Then people won't believe that he's poor.

Yeah. They won't give him a house. Bobby, you could help him get a job there. Yeah, dude. I'm actually, I'm an intern right now, so it's hard for me to actually wreck somebody. That's what everybody says. You got to have some poll at the douche factory. No, no.

Well, the reason I got the job is because everyone did agree that I was the biggest douche they ever seen. But at the same time, it's like who you know, you know what I mean? I got to wait for the guy's son to die first. is this whole thing. To move up in the system? Yeah, and it's like, I've tried to, like, I've been... Wait, the boss's son in a douche factory. How are you a bigger douche than the boss's son of the douche factory?

Well, that's the thing, but no one cares about merit anymore. It's all about nepotism and who you know. So I tried out, douche's guy every day. But nepotism is like the supreme form of duchiness. So I'm confused as to how you... It is a catch-24 for sure. Yeah. What's that been?

Oh, because the Supreme Hat, it was a callback to a story that Michael's already heard. Woo! Yeah. Nice. Bobby honestly had heard it also, but he was polite enough not to say anything. And I feel bad. I forgot that I told you this story. It was during a video.

No, you didn't tell me the story. I saw Dan recently. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. And I got to see the video, the POV video. Oh. Nice. Okay.

So this is comforting that I didn't tell you the story. No, no, no, no. I hadn't heard the story. Yeah. I didn't tell Patrick get on the train because I was like, I'll save it for the podcast. Yeah. There's always someone will interrupt it within five seconds of each time. I heard this one.

Well, that's the thing. too, it's like, I mean, even on his own podcast, I'll repeat the same story so many times, or I'll just have the same conversation with so many people, and the worst is when somebody tells you, like, I have heard this from you specifically. But I'm guessing, as far as, like, drugs he was on, I don't think, I don't know, I'm weirdly an advocate

for acid. I've done it, like, one time and I only took half a tab, but everybody's like, that guy's on acid. I'm like, actually, it's not that dangerous. So I don't know, I feel like maybe... If he's on acid, he'd be like, we're all, Mike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He probably was, like, it's probably a combination of just not sleeping for days. And I was thinking what he probably

had going on is he probably thought the government was tracking him, so he was breaking the phone. Because why else would you try to break your phone? It's very helpful device. Right, especially for looking for Mike. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It would help you look for Mike if you had your phone. What if he was mad that the phone

led him the wrong address? He's like, Mike isn't even here. Why are you using that? It's like my GPS is wrong. My contacts are showing me the wrong address. Like, this phone's not working for me. It's my favorite part of living in New York is that you get to watch crazy people. Oh, yeah. I think the favorite thing I saw, like, recently

it was a crazy guy in a train, and he was like, ladies and gentlemen, I'm just trying to spread love, and he starts singing, and he did have a beautiful singing voice. He's like this older black guy, and this young white woman

who clearly just got to New York, just by her, she was like, oh, there's entertainment on the train. She gives him money and tells him that he has a beautiful voice, which is a nice thing to do, and then he stops singing, he says, thank you, sits down across him her,

and then kind of, is letting more of the crazy out, you know, so he's rocking back and forth. He goes, ma'am, thank you so much for your generosity. I really, I appreciate you. I love you. You please know that I love you. And she's like, oh, this is great. Like, she's smiling.

She's like, I help us pain. And then his disposition changes. And he goes, if I could kill every white person, I would. And she's like, oh, no. And I'm like, yeah, welcome New York, bitch. Yeah. That's like my mom is like that too. I remember one time, this is in Florida, but we're like a 7-Eleven.

this guy starts kicking the car. My mom's like, what does he want? And I'm like, Mom, what the fuck out of? Yeah, yeah. And another time we were in New York, some guy's like bleeding all over the place. And she's like, is he, was he asking for directions?

I was like, you don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You can't go too far in the other direction though. Like, if someone's like, hey, can you help me? And you just like walk by, like, out of habit. And then you're like, oh, that was a non-crazy person that did need directions.

And now I look like an ass. Oh, totally. Oh, I've looked racist because I have my headphones and some guy asked me for, And I go, sure, I don't have any money. He's like, I literally was asking what stopped. But it's like totally because I have my headphones is like everybody

I'm just completely ignoring. That is fine. I'm your superior at this job. You need to do this work. Sir, how do I get to 8th Avenue? Please consult HR. I have to catch this trip. Somebody had the funniest bit.

Who was? I think it was, oh, Zach Brad have yet. I mean, I have to say other people's bits. But this is really funny bit about how it's so funny that crackheads will be talking completely nonsense on the train, but they know exactly what stopped to get off on. they'd be like, government's going to eat my brain.

They're like, is this Loramore Ave? Okay, perfect. They just get off exactly where they are. That's where the government is, so. Yeah, the G train is better for being crazy on, so that they transfer over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, oh, oh, this is my stop, great, great.

Well, the funniest is when you, every time you get on a trick, because I have, like, a bit I'm doing about homeless people and how, like, it's just about, I've said it all the podcast, but it's like, when you do shrooms, everybody says shrooms make you progressive. But, like, that's the least progressive, because, like, normally if I see a homeless guy, I'll consider giving them like a dollar or like a bottle of water. But on the shrooms, I'm like, keep that goblin man away.

Like that's terrible. Yeah. But the people get really uncomfortable with it and when I do it in New York. And it's really funny because New York is like the most scared of homeless people that people all. Like it's like the train. It's like you'll get into a subway car and you'll be like, why is this empty? I used to say why is it? And immediately I go, oh, there's probably a homeless guy laying down.

And people won't even be on the same car sometimes just because it smells like poop. I've got so used to that smell of human shit though that I'm like if there's a seat on. I'd rather sit down and smell human feces. then not have a seat. Yeah, yeah. Well, sometimes there's guys who smell really bad. And I was on a train recently. Guy smelled really bad.

And you could sell, people just have different tolerances for it. Yeah. Because I couldn't handle it. I was sitting there like this and I smelt them and it was pretty bad. I looked at him and just that much, being that much closer,

I was like, oh my God. Like, it was like, it was too much. And then there was some like little blonde chick who sat right next to him who just could handle it,

you know? Because I guess women smell like shit. Now, she was used to it. It was her. you were smelling. Was it that she has a higher tolerance or tolerance or was she just like, look how progressive I'm being right now.

Well, like literally she's like throwing up and her own mouth. She's like, I'm a good person. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's the same. That's the thing. If you move to New York, no matter how high in agreeableness you are, that will change. Just based on survival. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I, do you ever see people like they literally stop when someone asked them for money? Oh, yeah. Like, they're like, oh, I'm sorry, sir. What were you saying? And it's like, dude, good luck. Like, you're going to be late for work every day if you do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I will do it here and there.

I'm not just saying because I want to look like a good person. But I will here and there if I'm like, like I bought a homeless cat four loco on New Year's, which was less for love. It was more for science. So I was kind of like, let me just kind of want to see what happens. But, no, I was like, I was like, uh, is what guy I see all the top of he's like, hey man, can give me like a four loco and like a cookie? Oh, he asked.

this wasn't you just being like he'd love this. No, no, yeah, yeah. I was, that was joking. It was not like a Mentos Coke situation. I was like, let's just see who this is the combination. And you didn't force him to break sobriety either. No, no. He'll finally turn him my life around.

Oh, it's a sign from God. Yeah, yeah, this guy's probably a four loco. Assigned from good. You meant because his name is Michael Good. Ooh. Yeah. Michael, your name is good. Yeah. If you want to be chromatically correct, it's actually Michael.

Well, just joking around. Just joking. Just busted. But also, the topic of shit, I think shit hitting water is a grosser smell to me for some reason. Shit hitting water. Like a toilet full of shit for some reason smells gross to me. Like, for some reason, a homeless guy shit themselves. The dry shit for some reason doesn't smell as bad to me is.

I don't know what the combination is when shit hits water. Like somebody leaves a shit in the bathroom, I get so disgusted by it. Yeah. But if there's just like human shit on the ground, it never really bothers me. See, the human shit in, as opposed to other types of shit, in a toilet bowl? Like in a public restroom, I walk in and someone shit in the toilet. That is more aggravating to me than like a guy on the train shit his pants. Because the guy on a train shit his pants, you're on heroin.

You ate three hours ago. You're going to shit your pants. Yeah. Someone just gave you a four loco. But like I always want to know the story of somebody. Is it like, is it just being defiant for defiance? This is the story of a guy. This is the story of a guy. This is the story of a guy.

But like what is it? Is it like, okay, I shit. the toilet and fuck you if you think I'm flushing it fuck off I'm not like rage against the machine like fuck you I won't do what you tell me I'll shit in the toilet bowl because that's what society wants me to do

but I'm not pushing the fucking lever what yeah yeah what is a weird level of because like if he really didn't give a shit he'd shit on the seat that is the most rebellious move you could do is do a turd right on the right on the toilet seat I think it's just a lot to to remember I think I'm gonna I'm gonna defend

I'm gonna defend him because you got a, because especially like if it's got one with a seat, you know, you got to put down the seat and you got to put down the seat and then you end up forgetting because you don't see the poop anymore, right? Like I put down the whole seat.

I don't just put down the seat that the girl sits on. I put down, I put down the... Wait, do you not sit on the seat when you're, you're shitting? I guess I do when I'm shitting. No, actually, I close the whole lid because when you flush, you don't want like the fecal matter spray to come up. Okay, I got confused for a second.

For a second, I thought you're saying, I put down the toilet seat, and then I put down the top cap, and then I shit on top of that. Yeah, yeah. For somebody who doesn't go down through... It's called the Haggerty. Just flushing the toilet while the turd is on top of the toilet seat. That's a lot to remember.

What do you expect me to do? Patrick, I hate to know but your bit, because I know you're supposed to yes and the bits, but it is totally not a lot to remember. Because you got a wipe and then you got a flush. That's like three or four things. Yeah, that's... What is your grocery?

lists look like. Every day he goes back for a different thing. He gets like carrots, milk. That's all I can remember. I just remember we get one thing. You're shining a light on a former roommate of mine because he used to always he used to always fucking like, and he was a giant

athlete too and he would take these giant protein shits and then he would just leave them there. And I was like, there's some OCD thing or there's something going on with him leaving his poop in the toilet. But Patrick, I think, you might be right. He just would forget chronically.

Chronically forgetting, I think, is, that's wrong. But, uh, but, but I've forgotten before. And it is, I kind of go back into the mindset of how I forgot. And it's because it's like, oh, well, I did it. And then I was like, oh, well, like, maybe I hop right into the shower or something. And then I, and, you know, to clean the shit out of my butthole. But then I, so I forget, but I have closed the lid already. You shower every single time. Not every time, but I try to as much as like in a public restroom. Yeah, I do it in a public restroom. Yeah.

Well, I'm also like, I, you proteed shit. So I am trying to get fucking huge. Me too, dude. So it's a new thing. Right. When I was in a relationship, I was like, yeah, why would I care about my body? There's somebody who's already having sex with me. And then she broke up with you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'm like, I totally changed. I used to think it was so, like, because there was a lot of, like, gayness to the, like, a lot of, like, and now I've completely, I've gone. Now I'm, like, admiring other guy's bodies. And I'm like, look, that's the fit I want. That's not the fit. I'm like judging muscular guys. Like, I wouldn't do that.

That's for me now. So I am becoming the thing that I thought it was. But the protein thing is like your shits are like, I take now like I am late to everywhere if I shit before going somewhere. You relate to your own podcast at your apartment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all got here and you're like, guys, I'm glad you're here. I have to be in the bathroom for five minutes.

Yeah, yeah. And it was 15 probably. Now, do you calculate how much protein eat every day? Yeah, I'm doing that thing now. How many grams do you mind me asking? I'm not comfortable No, it's 210. 210 grams of protein a day?

Is that too much? How much do you weigh? 180. I think that's unnecessarily high, I think. Okay. You're trying to get big, dude. Yeah, yeah. My mind, I'm like, I pictures me, and then I'm like,

well, if I want to be Duane the Rock Johnson, I got it. And how tall it? Yeah, he definitely eats a lot of protein and nothing else. That was really funny when he was on that he did, like, Joe Rogan's like all the time, he's like, the rock does steroids, rock the steroids. And then apparently the rock did his podcast and he didn't bring it up once.

They didn't bring it up once. Yeah. Well, well, when Joe Rogan has the one guy in entertainment that can beat his ass. Yeah, he's like, I can't bring up.

But, yeah, no, it's so funny too, because I've been getting sick from how much protein I'm eating. And I'm probably eating the dangerous amount of protein. You can,

it's not dangerous. You'll just poop it out, but I think one gram per body weight is fine. So if you weigh... But I thought it's the body weight you want. I don't think so. Yeah, yeah. Eat for the body what you want.

Yeah, that's what I thought it was. It's not, it's not. No, you're 180, eat 180 grams. Okay. Well, what do you eat? Well, I mean, you got, you got it. Look at Bobby's arms. Yeah, look at my arms, dude.

I'm eating 138 grams of protein a day. Not because I weigh 138 pounds, but you want to be 138. Exactly. Oh, yeah. That's why I'm eating 10 grams of protein. What do you eat? So you eat the protein. Do you also eat a bunch of protein-rich foods?

Dude, it's like, So, like, I'll go to, by the way, it's funny, too, because everybody's like, you got to eat healthy, you know, it'll make you feel better. But it is depressing just to eat chicken and rice every single day forever. Like, I'm like, a pizza, I think, would cheer me up here and there. Oh, see, Michael. You're talking about Bobby's life.

Yeah. Like, I'd kill myself if I had to live. If you grew up Catholic like me, you would love the sacrifice involved in eating well. Eating dry chicken and plain brown rice, this is just like dying on a cross baby. This is what I deserve. It's not the food I need.

it's the food I deserve. This is what God wants me to eat. Have you tried having an excellent metabolism? Because that's my trick for eating whatever I want. Well, the thing is, okay. You have a beautiful metabolism. Yeah, yeah. Because I spend a whole day with you.

He got a real V going on. Yeah, yeah. And I eat whatever I want. He eats whatever he wants and he does the thing where all of his exercise is just things he wants to do for fun anyway. It's living his best life. It's his job. He's on test grab.

Yeah, I do heavy lifting jobs. But I also like do, I play. sports and I, you know, so I keep active. What sports do you do? I do softball over the summer and the fall as well. Okay. What sports do you do? Sucking dick. That's the case, the first thing you said.

Well, I'm like, it's so funny too, because now I'm like getting sick from how much, like, because you said that, you're like, that's way too much protein. My body's now placebo affecting. I'm like, I'm like, throw it up right now. Because I also, like, was trying to be healthy and I'm like, I think I just wasn't seeing the immediate results that I wanted. So I was like, just more protein and more protein.

whatever you're doing doesn't work within two to three days. You should change. It's like eating an extra pot brown. It's like it's not working. Yeah. What do you eat other than the protein? Dude, it's like I have chicken and rice and then I just I get these protein bars and protein shakes and that's basically it. Oh, yeah.

I hope you're not trying to eat no carbs and no fats because carbs and fats are good for you. Well, I'm just eating like, like if, so if I have chicken and rice, I'll have chicken and rice and then I'm like, oh, well, I don't really want to eat the rest of the rice. because I'm full because I've been drinking protein shakes all day. So it's kind of what's happening. Because do you feel low energy? No, no, I have a lot of energy. But I also, I've been taking caffeine pills too much.

Like in my mind, I'm just like, I don't know why I'm taking such huge shits all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm such a, like, I don't know what it is. I just, I'm very, I always want to cut out the middleman. I'm like, why would I drink a whole coffee when I could just take a pill of caffeine? I'm very, like, druggy in my attitudes

and, uh, drugged it. supplements. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm very much like, I don't know, I'm always like I want the direct thing. And it's great because I eat, I eat really fast. I drink really fast. It's not even that I like, I drink alcohol at a really fast rate. And I drink water.

Like, everything I do, I just do it like, whey. And I don't know what. I think it's from when I was a teenager. I wanted to show how fast I could drink beer. And that just applied to everything else in my life. I'm relating to this so much because I eat and drink very fast. Yeah. And I quit drinking.

because I was getting way too good at drinking real fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But everything, yeah, everything I do, I do it big. I just wrote that. But, yeah, I don't know. My mom used to joke, like, no one's going to take it away from you. Because I would eat real fat. I used to do this thing.

Bobby, nobody's going to take your alcohol. Yeah, if you're on a five-day vendor. Yeah, unless they're a judge. When did you stop drinking? In 2016, right before I started comedy. Yeah. That's so interesting. I remember getting drunk with you, but that

might you think so than I'm an alcohol. Bobby was there and I was drunk by transit property. He was also drunk. You're like one shot for me, one shot for Bobby. Yeah. Well, that's like always the like fucking like, um, that's such a drinker mindset where like you get hammered with like, especially comics, some many comics

don't drink. And you're like, what are you talking about? We got wasted all this type. We're like, no, you got wasted by yourself and nobody else was drinking. They're like, Michael. My apartment three times. Yeah. We were all got kicked out of the apartment. Why would I get out of own apartment. We all get drunk and look for Mike at some points in our life. Yeah.

Well, how did that resolve, by the way? Just the cops came, but he was gone by the time they came? No, they came and talked with him. And then they called us and were like, do you know the Mike? Yeah. And then he eventually left. That is interesting. So first off, that's got to be a

that's got to suck to be a cop. I got to talk to somebody who is so high on meth right now. I try to get actual answers instead of like that there's caterpillars in my brain. Yeah. And then also the fact that he got far enough along in the conversation they believed Mike they're like no no it's in his heart

he was putting tinfoil all around his head but in his heart I believe him about Mike so he didn't get arrested no that's a New York thing I think anywhere else I think he would have done at least a night in jail but they're like listen can you just stop throwing rocks at this apartment you go down to the next precinct and throw around well that's very funny too it's very like

like putting a crackhead it was high out crack in a jail cell like that's not it's not like a drunk guy and, like, like, that guy, throwing that guy into a holding cell is scary.

It's very like, watchman like, where he's like, they're locked in here with me and now he's like attacking all the people. Because like I would be, I don't know,

like if I was, like, I don't know how, I've never been arrested. I don't know how the, has anybody here been arrested? No. Ben.

I'm not allowed to talk about it. But it's like, I feel like is it, I don't know if you're high on meth and you go into like, if they put you in a holding cell or if they put you in a psych ward. I think there's like a like a cool off tank.

They should probably bring him to the hospital is where they should bring him just to like if they were going to bring him anywhere, just make him so that he's not high on meth anymore. And then he's going to, and then they'll do that, they'll be able to effectively do that, give him whatever.

Give him heroin to bring him. Yeah. Give him whatever thing it is like, you know, whatever testosterone shot that they did in like in Pulp Fiction. Yeah. But the reverse of that. But the reverse of that.

It's making less uppity. But yeah. But then he'll just be like, well, my life's still. bad. That's why I started doing the heroin is because my life was bad. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's got to suck. There's nothing really they can do. Like, yeah, I send him to the next precinct. That's what, that's

their method probably. He'll be so funny if the cop shows up and he's like, my life is so bad, he starts crying. I was like, you know what? You can keep throwing rocks at the window, buddy. Okay, one more good one. Okay? One more good one. That just winds up. That was

fantastic. Good. Is it out of your system? Come on. Slowly, it's the catch where this dad that the crackhead never got. There's nowhere in New York to like skip rocks on a pond, so you just got to throw them like some guys window. What if I do? Because there is like

my pickup line on like dating apps now, I just ask, I'm like, what's the most trouble you've been in either legally or with your parents? Sure. And then they give their answer and you're like, I would prefer not to give me. Oh, mine's much worse. Mine involves a

registration process. There's three. specific women that let their imaginations run a mock party? Are you busy tonight? That's a pretty intimate question. Yeah, but it's like I like to start with something fun and then, but every single time women say the same thing, they're like, oh, well, I had a speeding ticket, but I got

out of it. I'm like, are you just trying to tell me how hot you are? But there's not a guy equivalent. Or how willing she is to get out of trouble. That is interesting. Which could be a good sign, Michael. That'll be funny with me. Like, so you suck the cop's dick? That's not what I was saying. But it's like every Every woman I, not every woman I know, but like most women I've talked to, they do this thing where they start crying to the cop. And apparently just immediately get out of speeding tickets.

Can you imagine if we started crying? That's what I was saying. I'm like, that's a hilarious thing to think about. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. That sounds like, because I would always, I was such a douche as a teenager. I literally would be like, I know my rights. Like, I was like the definition of total.

I will not give you my license because I am a sovereign citizen. Yeah. Yeah. I'll give you a copy of the Constitution. Yeah. that's a I think that's the idea that you would cry for getting pulled over and full disclosure I know some people get pulled over and then they have shall we say a not fun time but most of the time it's not they you're you're just your your license is going to go up a point and you're

going to owe somewhere between 50 and 150 dollars yeah so I don't understand why people either cry or start rattling off their rights it's just like they caught you every one speeds but they happen to catch you and it sucks and it is what it is. But there's nothing you could do. The best thing is to fucking be amicable and nice and maybe they'll let you off of the war. He's not a real Republican bobby.

How would you just do with the police officer's saying? It's funny as I legitimately did the BLM fucking preamble and it still didn't work. And you were still like, oh, well so how long would that preamble I've had to have been before I gave

that advice? Oh, dude. I just I had a really racist episode last episode, so I just have to immediately throw people under the bus this stuff. You know, this is why actually, I don't know if it's going to get dropped. This might be the replacement for that one. Wow. Oh, Patty, Patty was on. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, checks out, dude. You know what happened when you have Irish guys on your podcast? I mean, come on. Yeah, they get a little excited. Irish people are very racist, and I understand how ironic that sentence is, but I'll stand by it. Yeah, I've always had that discussion because people, the one thing people love saying they love to being like, dude, Asians are super racist. You're like, well, that is.

racist unless you think racism is a good quality in which case that it's you're like Asians are racist it's great yeah yeah we had remember we had like a gym teacher uh named coach wolf who had sex with everybody's mom and um not everybody's mom but a lot of people's mom better not have fucked my mom yeah we joke around a lot but please confirm that he didn't fuck he didn't have sex with your mom okay yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah no i have a chart of the moms that he fucked and I'm going to get on revenge you have a lot of drawings yeah yeah yeah Every guy's mom that he had sex with, I'm making sure that that guy has sex with his mom. So we got about 15 grown adults that are now going to have sex with Coach Wolf's mom, who turns out lives in a nursing home in Iowa.

Perfect. Well, easy to find. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, easy to find, easy to trick to. But, no, we... Mrs. Wolf, you have 15 visitors. That is a hilarious. Oh, I love trains.

It's really bright in here And what's with the camera? Well, somebody too, because his Facebook page is hilarious because it's like, it's all pictures of wolves.

Like, like he literally will have like a serious wolf picture and it's like the wolf walks alone. And I'm like, you're like a grown man. And he lived, the funny thing is he lived in a house on campus. Like he lived on the campus

of the middle school and was a prep school. But I guess it doesn't make it any better. It's still weird to live on. I mean, it's weird. but that makes some sense. Those kids that were getting diddled were rich.

I don't care. Well, it's also very funny to reverse it. He's like, it would be so creepy if I lived on campus. And they're like, we'll let you live on campus. He's like, now I have to have sex with people's moms. And be like, look, this is the only age I have sex. He's overcorrected. He's like, kids are disgusting to me.

But his, so what we went on like a, there's like a rate my professor kind of website. Rape my professor? My professor, yes. Yeah. Yeah. It's on the dark web. I got an F. Go find the guy.

But it's, it's, it's rape my professor where you go on. I noticed it keeps sounding like I'm saying rape with my professor. Yeah,

yeah, but I've heard of rate my professor. Yeah, both websites let you put a chili pepper next to someone that's really attractive. Rate the rape of my professor. Scream the whole time. Yeah, got wet for me. Three stars.

But he, I went on there and I was like, coach, banged my mom, banged everybody else's mom. When the wolf is hungry, he eats. And that was just on there forever. And one of the reviews is so funny because one of them went, Coach Wolf is racist.

Five out of five stars. Which is the funniest review. But we did have, I will say this, we did have a teacher who they had to catch a predator. So they did... Wow, you have a lot of cool teachers. Yeah, I guess it was a particularly horny school. But they did like a thing where he

text his student. It was like, oh, translate this out of Latin. And it was like, I want to see you naked. And then she immediately showed her parents, like, what the fuck is this creep doing? And then what they did is, they, uh, they, he was like, oh, come meet me for like a sleepover. And then the cops met him at like a location. And, um... Do you think they had s'mores?

I don't think they... You're getting FOMO from the potential scenario that didn't even happen. But they, um, they arrested him. And his mugshot was kind of funny because he's also a swimming coach. So he had like a goggles tan on the mugshot. But I just recently looked up his like sex offender registry because I was like, oh, is this guy

got in trouble recently? And he's wearing a beaded what looks like, I don't know if it's pukeshell or beaded necklace to his sexual registry picture, which is so funny to like dress up for this. Like to have like, trashy as possible. Got to look good for the cat. He's with his personal trainer.

He's like, I just got to grab. Oh. Isn't that a hilarious? He has gel in his. He's trying to look hot and cool for his sexual registry picture. And like even the smile is kind of like, he looks tan. Yeah, yeah. He looks like, yeah, I get pussy. not important what kind, but... Yeah, we were joking about, like...

It's funny too, because we looked at it. What is there? His previous crimes. It's been a decade. Either he's really good at not getting caught, or he learned his lesson. Well, you want to retire on top. Like, Jordan... When you came back, it was like, all right, come on. And Latin's a dead language. He's probably trying, but just nobody understands. He's still trying to spit a man of lad.

Well, it's funny too, because it's like the... We're joking about, like, his Instagram. It's like every picture is like a picture of, like, an underage girl and him going, like, throwing up face emoji, like, you. This is... is ugly. Like, all of his stories are him trying to prove he's not. And then every once in a while a thing about, like, how people change. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, it's like an underage girl. And it's like a scale. And it's like zero out of 10 just to be like disgusting. But that

means that he does think of some as being higher than zero out of time. Oh, yeah. That's the, that's the implication. Yeah. He's like, you know who I think is really attractive? Ellen Miron or whatever. Helen Miron. Yeah. Helen Miron. The really old lady. Yeah. But she's like the oldest lady that people like us say that they would fuck. Yeah. Helen Helen Mirren. People like us. Yeah. I don't know. Because like I'm not a racist.

Who says the cops, you should do. I'm totally kidding. I get real serious. I'm like, I'm not. Like 15 years ago when she was already in her 60s or so, there was a picture of her in like a bathing suit and it was like, whoa, Helen Mirren's still hot. Oh, she is really, ooh.

But it is. Okay, sorry guys. This is a bad idea. I'm going to go to the bad thing. I have to take another shit. Why is this? This is hitting me. But then there's also Nancy Pelosi. She's got some nice things. Oh, she's got some Pelosi's, dude, for sure.

Beautiful, beautiful. And I remember I was on politically not safe for work, which is a subreddit where you could jack off to like politicians. It's mostly AOC. Wait, wait, wait, wait. AOC. I'm confused. So you know Reddit. Yes.

You're familiar with the concept of a subreddit. Yes. So there's a subreddit called Politically NSFW. and it's politicians who you want to fuck. Every Reddit, you're on. Every Reddit, Bobby's on us a subreddit, right? Hell yeah, dude. Because I'm a sub.

Actually, I'm a switch if I'm being completely honest with you. I wish you wouldn't be. You wish I wouldn't be honest or you wish I wouldn't be a switch? Because you want me all yourself. Yeah. But there is, yeah, so one of the top rated ones was Nancy Pelosi, Pelosi with her fucking giant Polish tities just looking

absolutely scrumptious. And one of the top comments was, I bet you wouldn't like them if she took her shirt off. Like if you, like, because they would fall to her belly button. But my first thought was fucking, don't tell me what I do and don't like.

Just immediately getting mad at the guy. Like, you don't know me. You don't know what I like. Because you know what? Yeah, sure. I'm sure they're held up together by some very strong underwire.

But at the same time, the novelty of two things at once. A much older woman. And I'm going to bring a little with me, of course. And number two is she's a powerful woman. Oh, yeah, yeah. At one point... Is that Nancy? Way to disfam risk, but we're going to answer it.

Hell yeah, dude. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hi. Hi, my name is Harry Myers. How are you doing today? This is not Nancy Pelosi.

Is this Mike? Hello? Well, the purpose of my call is, It's just a robot. Oh, yeah, sure. Would you like to buy some life insurance? Yeah, that would be funny. It's normally like an Indian guy.

It's like a Scottish guy. You're like, hmm, I did not know this was going on. So maybe it was real. Maybe we should call back to see if they're all right. I used to answer them and practice accents. And then I realized what happens is now I'm on a list of guys who answer the phone. And I'm just kidding. They're like, this guy's great.

Perenthe's good at voices. Yeah. You're like, can I send my headshot into that list? Yeah, it's like one of those things where like a guy's like this girl puts out But I'm like the putting out Like my word I'm like the slut that answers the phone

Yeah, he's on the phone for an hour and a half sometimes Yeah He really talks to us It's pretty cool Yeah, but Bobby had all the momentum going And then he grabbed a sip of water really That's okay

All looked at me like what the fuck Yeah, you were carrying the show Staying hydrated I can Because before we walked in I was actually going to ask Patrick a question Because he's a task grab it And he was saying

one of his tasks this week is to stand in line for multiple hours? Oh, really? Well, that has been a job that I've had in the past, yeah. I've stood in line. There was one recently where they asked me to stand in line overnight, so I asked for more money, and it was for some, like, big sale for some purse or something. Oh, interesting. And they asked me to stand, yeah, but I've done that. But I've done that. But I've done that. But I've done that. But I'm, but I'm, but I'm, but, it was 300 guys who were paid to stand online and me. Oh, that's crazy. It was everyone there was someone who was paid to stand in line. Okay.

So did you guys bond? Not really because we were all, yeah, like some guys, though, were good at it. They had like a nice chair and a blanket and like we're sleeping through the whole process. You know there was one guy that wasn't getting paid, but was hoping to win the affection. Yeah. And everybody else is like, no, dude, I'm getting $100. Oh, it's just slowly dawning on him. He's like, oh, yeah.

Oh, I thought there would be a bunch of ladies waiting for persons. He certainly You guys like We all cheated, right? That's why we're here. Yeah, yeah. We got to make up for it. Right.

Yeah, I was talking to somebody who said they had like a friend like that who was this like a guy from Mexico and he was a Hungarian Jew I can't do the accent because it's hard to do a Hungarian Jew

from Mexico? Yes. Is he Louis C.K.? It was not Louis CK's dad. Oh, damn. But apparently like the guy got like an argument with his wife. He's like, how much of a problem is this?

He's like, what do you mean? He's like, is it a, is it a, is it a $2,000 problem? And he, like, you can just solve all... Like, in his mind, he's like, you can just solve any problem with buying a thing for a lady. Yeah.

Which I don't, I don't think is accurate. His son is like, we, you were never there. You were never there? Is it a $5,000? What is it? Just every single thing you're answering that way. Yeah. That's a great way to...

People from different countries just have, like... I remember one time... Because of the Hungarian exchange rate. Is this a $3 problem? Is this a my youngest daughter problem? How does this work? I don't know. People like my buddy, so I'm from upstate New York near this sales outlet mall called the Woodbury Commons,

where people from other countries, they'll come to New York and then they'll be like, and we have to visit this mall, which is, it's so weird. My buddy used to work there at a shoe store. So people from like other countries would like come to like buy Nike's at an affordable rate because overseas they're more expensive, which is ironic because that's where they're made. But every day someone would come in and be like, how much are these shoes? And he'd be like $50. He'd be like, how about the 40s?

The price is fixed. I'm a teenager. I don't set the price. You can't haggle here. Yeah. He's not somebody tried to do that the other day, which I've done before is the duchiest thing. But this guy got like, I think it was like Oreos or something like that. And they're like, you know, like $5.99.

He goes, $5.99. He goes, these Oreos right here. You're telling me they're $5.99. You sure? It's like, yeah, the guy's not going to change the price of it. Like some things people will, but like, this is like a fixed thing. The guy's not randomly going to be like, you got me. I saw that at a bodega once where they were just like right in front of the guy that was like making the sandwiches, like a bunch of bags of chips.

And these two guys were like picking up chips and like laugh and being like, ah, it's like $6 and there's like no chips in here. And the guy stops making a sandwich. He grabs the big bag of chips. He cuts it open with the knife. Dude, that is fucking sick. There are no chips in here. They're chips in here. Dude, that is sweet.

Damn, dude, that guy is about to kill someone. The way I imagine him cutting a spoiler alert for Breaking Bad. The way that he cuts the bag is the way that Gus fucking cuts his worker's throat. Oh, yeah. And he holds it open

to make sure he doesn't, he's not able to stop the bleeding. That's crazy. Yeah, and I like I have moments like that where I know I'm a dude. I was going through like a really bad time and I was in Central Park getting a chicken kebab and hoping that it would change things. I'm hoping my whole life would get fixed with that. Well, you know what's nice about doing that is the guy that is selling it to you will call

you my friend and then you feel like you're not going to world. But it was like so they charged like $15 for just chicken on a stick. And I literally completely flipped. I was like, wow, you must be a millionaire. That's so cool. I felt like such an asshole. But I was like, you must be. Guy who had his family killed in front of him by Reve.

You're like, this is too expensive than I'm being snarky about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the cuntiest thing, too, because I'm like, this is absurd for me to be like, this guy probably has a way harder life. Oh, I have actually done this successfully once or twice which is like random trucks on the street

where it's like a bottle of water and they're like $2, I'm like, come on, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it used to be a dollar. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It should not be $2 for a bottle of water. Carts will. Carts will definitely change.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just based on like, you do a little. look in the wall and you go, how much is it? And then they'll drop the price. Or if they make you something and then you say that's too much, they made it already. You can kind of just give them whatever you want.

And then they're like, what, are you just going to not take the money? Like, I'll give you this much money. Yeah, yeah. Like if it's like a food item. Yeah, that's something you do if the card isn't around where you live. You keep going back every day. Why I'd have a friend that kept doing that with Chipotle. He in prison now, but

all right, well, I'm sure whatever he was doing was a good thing I'm ready to hear it. You'd go to Chipotle, he'd make the whole burrito. And in the very end, he would use a card he knew was like an old card that would not go through. And because they used to have something in like their website where they'd be like, if your car gets to, like, there was some weird rule where they had to do it. And then this fucking dumbass was like this fucking 10th time at the same Chipotle. And they're like, no, we know you. Like the same thing.

No, we're not going to fucking do that. Well, they still give you the sandwich. They would. They were the first couple times because we're like, all right, we already made the burrito. Oh, yeah. like probably a nice guy. You're not going to end up in prison one day. Yeah.

Was it for the Chipotle thing? Yes. Yes. That's what he's in prison for. Grand larceny. That's how many burritos used. It was like million dollars. I didn't even eat that.

They got him for tax evasion, just like Capone. Yep. Nice. Good for him. Yeah. Good for Capone. Well, I want to take another

drink of water. Is that okay? That's okay. It is from analogy. Do you remember, did you ever try running over one of those with a car? They're so powerful that apparently you can't run over them with a car.

Well, Those bottles are out now. We do Stanley Cups now. Yeah, what is it? I miss this whole Stanley Cup thing. Yeah, I kind of, my fiancé now, she got a Stanley Cup from her sister, who bought a bunch for the teachers of her daughter,

and then had one left over so that she gave him to my gal. And I was like, oh, yeah, it's just like a tall cup that seems like a, like a thermos that you can drink out of because it keeps your things cold, keep your things hot or something. I'm sorry. Oh, no, it's been in the whole time. Sorry, I had the biggest concern that your microphone was unplugged for an hour. But it's not that good of a thermos.

It's just like, yeah, it's just like a thermos cup. I don't know. It's just, I don't know. It's bizarre that it's so popular. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because people were like stepping over each other for them. Oh, I didn't know. Is this crazy?

Oh, yeah. Did you task rabbit for it? Did you get in light? I never tasked rabid it for it because I would imagine they were sold out by the time, like, pretty quickly. But yeah, no, I never tasked rabid it for them. But there's videos of people getting. trampled trying to get, what are they called, Stanley Cups. And kids crying to their parents saying,

if my friends are bullying me because I'm the only kid in school. It doesn't have a Stanley Cup. It's more violent than the actual hockey Stanley Cup. It's bizarre. And it's so weird that they called it a Stanley Cup when there is a very famous thing called a Stanley Cup. Yeah, yeah, that is crazy. Well, and it's also weird, too, because I can't remember as a kid there being one

thing that if I just didn't have it, I was a loser. It's a boy thing. It's more like one thing if you do have it, you're a loser. Yeah, yeah, like a rolling backpack or something like that. Yeah. Or red hair. Oh, yeah.

Well, I was like, I guess certain things, but I, yeah, I never, I never was able to care enough to go along with it because certain things like Yu-Gi-O cards I didn't get into. Did you have Yu-Gi-Gi-It was ever a big thing with you? Yeah, so I remember like I was not into Yu-Gio, but a neighborhood kid was into Pokemon. And I've said this before. a lot of these things that I thought were jokes and then people get really upset about me for and then like when I was a kid and so now

I get very defensive when people get upset about a joke and I'm like not that I'm ever like whatever I'm fucking like I get people being bothered by jokes but my whole life there's been things like this where people are like this is not funny I wasn't trying to hurt anybody's feelings there's this guy we were friends with and he loves Pokemon and so we put a Pikachu sucks on his doorstep and rang the doorbell which I thought it was a funny prank

I thought he'd be like like, ah, rats, Pikachu sucks, but he started crying. Wow. And his, I remember his Jamaican... How old was he?

17? Yeah. He was like, we're all like the same age. And then his Jamaican nanny was like, why would you do this to him?

Yeah. I'm just getting like, berated. She's like, you know, Nikki loves Pokemon and you ruin this heart. And I'm like,

I'm so sorry. I felt horrible. Like I just, I remember just crying. And I was just like, I'm sorry. The kids cried. I was like,

dude, this Rubocalls paid off. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. yeah yeah that was pretty shitty of you for saying that how old are you like nine like yeah but I wasn't like fuck you Pokemon sucks I was like this is just like yeah like he'd be like oh I

cause I like Pokemon but we're friends yeah yeah I thought he'd figure it out but were you were you friends with him yeah I was but like in his mind this equivalent to like throwing a brick through the window like get out of town Mexicans I'm like no this is just like a funny Pokemon stuff I guess the anonymity makes it worse almost yeah because it seems like a neighbor like he pictures like the dads like a bunch of a white dads are like telling him to get out of the town. They like formed a group.

There's a drawing of Pikachu on a noose. Pikachu is owned by another person. Yeah, maybe this guy was the first, yeah, maybe there was some allyness with the Pokemon. Do they call him the Pokemon? No Pikachu need apply. I think Pokemon is an uncountable noun, so you don't change it when it's plural.

Pokemon. Yeah, it's singular and plural. But I remember the adults would call it Pokeyman back in the day. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then maybe Pekyman. You're like, Dad, it's not called Pokeyman. It's not Pekyman. That had that vibe of like, remember George Bush Sr.

You used to call Saddam Hussein Saddam. Yeah, yeah. It's like when you don't respect something, you're like, I don't even have time to. Yeah. That is really funny to just call a world leader the road. That's such a good troll. Just be like, yeah, Kim Jong-in. That's the worst thing the Bushes did to the Middle East, actually.

Yeah, it's just pronouncing the name. Yeah. Yeah, that, yeah, I don't know, I never really like, I guess Helies were something I wanted, I'm brother got him, but I never was like, there was never this thing where I was like, oh, people have this and I like would kill for it. I remember my little cousin at the time, she was like a few years younger than me, and in high school, she wanted a certain type, this is how unplugged I am to this stuff, I don't even know what brand it was, but she wanted a really expensive brand shirt.

And high school that she went to was a public school, but a lot of the girls there were rich. So I had like this mean girl vibe to it. She was like the only one in a friend group that didn't have this fancy shirt. And one day my uncle like saved up a bunch of money to buy her the fancy shirt. And then she was like, well, I can't just have one of these. What am I going to do? Wear the same shirt every day to school. Yeah. And it's like, okay, well, I can't spend a hundred dollars or whatever, whatever it is on one fancy shirt. Yeah. But that's the thing I think girls have to deal with in a way that men don't really have to deal with. Men in high school.

That sounds like I'm trying to make boys in high school be older. But you know what I mean? Men in high school. We all agree. We all agree. What's their barmeets foot? That's right. Yeah.

They're men. Yeah. Well, that's what we got called when we were in high school. That's what my, like, what the dean would call us was, oh, well, men, like, they would call us men. So I don't know. I went to Catholic school, so we were constantly emasculated by having to wear our little uniforms. I went to Catholic school as well. Really?

Uh-huh. Oh, we had different experiences. Did you ever have, like, were there? there's like really religious teachers in your Catholic school? I mean, there were brothers. Black guys. Black guys, right?

No, there were brothers. Like Jesuit brothers. Oh, what is this? What a brother is? It's in Catholicism and Christianity, I guess in certain other sex of Christianity. There's priests and there's, which is the father.

You'd call him like, hello father. But then there's also brothers. And then the nuns are sisters. and love fathers hate brothers. Every time fathers want to have a good ass time, so In' ass brothers want to fuck it up. Talk about I've never molested a kid. You ain't supposed to mess it.

molest a kid. What are your neighbors upstairs? Give me, I had a thought there in that cough. Oh, yeah, yeah. But you seemed interested about the brothers. Yeah, well, no, I just never like other ones. Are there like uncles? No, I guess it's just father, sisters.

Oh, and mother. There's like Mother Teresa. Some of the fathers will make you say, uncle, but that's a whole lot. Let me teach you about Christianity. Because you're Jewish. You seem to be just a bad Christian. We got that from the fucking water bottle story. What did you grow up?

Christian, but like not, like my mom was Catholic. My dad was kind of all over the place. Yeah, yeah. He was in my life, but just all over the place, religion. Right, right, religiously. Yeah, no. He was devoutedly one religion, but he was not around. Yeah.

He's like, I was what in relation where you're not my son. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to Catholic elementary school and Catholic high school, so I,

I had some Catholic upbringing. Do you have like a guilt thing? No, no, I, it's bizarre how much my entire family

has just been like, we'll leave that behind. That's great. I have like a deep guilt, like always all the time. Yeah. Yeah, it's a pretty,

oh, thank you. Yeah, maybe a little bit. You'd like to confess? Uh, no. Yeah.

I could put on a robe if it makes his, makes you feel more common. No, no, no. Maybe you just need to be a better person. Maybe that'll have. Patrick, were you ever an altar boy? Yeah.

I was an altar boy, too. If you guys are unfamiliar, it's where the little boys stand next to the priest during mass and they wear a dress. Interesting. Yeah, yeah. Isn't that crazy? It's robes.

It's a cassock, I think it's called, but it looks suspiciously like a dress. Also, it is really weird. Isn't that a name for like a Russian soldier? Kosak, I think. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. And those are-no, isn't that the really angry dog?

Isn't that the really angry dog? C-Cocac? Code Jack? Oh, with the plugs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does it, like, unplug it? Is that why I have to do it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's so many, every episode I go, hey, can you guys hold it correctly? And instead, I'm just doing it like this, but it sounds like I'm more mad at you. Yeah, yeah, because I'm like not. Hey, could you not right now? You're just the only following part. Like, hey, there's spiders on your microphone?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I had some acid earlier. The reason I asked about if there's any, like, crazy religious teachers in your Catholic high schools, because we had the principal of the school. He wasn't even a priest. He was a Mon Senior,

which is like, that's a title that no longer exists, but it means you were like a priest, enhanced priest, basically. I think this guy made this. I think there's just keeping anything made up. Like, no, I'm an arch bitch of the third. Like, is this all real thing?

Monseigneur, they still exist. There's mon seniors. I think you're grandfathered into it now. I don't think you could be like a 30-year-old's monseigneur. Oh, okay. That makes sense. That makes sense, though. But he was our principal.

and one day he would because he would always do these announcements and he was usually very friendly but one day there was, he did this 10 minute tirade about how we are not acting like children of God and here's the examples he gave. We take God's

name in vain because we say I swear to God or oh my God and the women there I go again the girls in the school Bobby, not a good track record. They hike up their skirts so you could see too much of their legs which by the way, that's such an old man way to...

I don't give a fuck about legs for a second. But he's like, oh, we could see too much of their legs. And he said, so there was a town near us, which was like, you could describe as a ghetto. It was called Newburgh. And he said... I think it's up to me like, you can describe it as a ghetto. I would call it as wonderful neighbors.

So he goes, the way that... Yeah, you cop defending racists. Yeah, that's me, dude. That's my new brand. So he says, the way some of you women walk around these halls with your skirts hiked up, would put the women on the streets of

Newburgh to shame. Oh my God. And I was like, that's an insane thing to know the children. That's wild. I'm like that and that's the, I mean, I was 16 or 17 hearing this tirade having never had sex and I was, like, I know where I'm going this week.

Yeah, dude, yeah. Yeah. And then also I'm like, okay, it's completely unnatural for a 60 year old man to never fuck because that's the type of shit that's rattling on your brain. Oh, yeah. That was 100% like pent-up cum,

basically. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There was some shit going on. He was jerking off while doing the announcement. That's what those robes are for. Have you seen the ones, too? It's weird.

I saw a video of like a priest on Instagram. I guess they're on Instagram now. Everybody's not. I can imagine why. I'm sure they're on TikTok too. But there's what where the hoods, I've never seen them wear. There are like white pointy hoods that priests have.

And the titles even, like Monsignor is so close to grand. wizard. Yeah. And the candles and the secrecy. Yeah. And the no Jews. Like, there's a whole bunch of things.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is weird. Well, it's also, I bet you the clan, like, based it off of, like, because there's, like, religious things. The clan actually really hates Catholics, but. Oh, yeah. But, but other pre-

What's their beef? I'm sorry. I'm not familiar. Because they're, like, Irish and Italian and stuff. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Catholics had their own difficulties in, like, the early 1900s, especially.

They actually went through something similar in America. that like Jews also went through where it's like, uh, we suspect that you have dual loyalty. You know what I mean? Because they're like, well,

how can you listen to the Pope and the president? Like same idea. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Which is wrong. And for Jews, like,

how can you listen to that snake that you, that you, that you listen to and the president. Yeah. Yeah, that's always, uh, what is the Pope?

He changes opinions on gays, right? Yeah. I mean, here's what the Catholic Church is going to do. In our lifetime, they're going to say, hey, being gay is fine. And then right after that, they're going to pretend like they were cool with it the whole time.

Yeah. Because that's what Catholics are very... They're like having sex with a little boy? Is that homophobic? How is that homophobic? I think Catholics can be very condescending because I remember going to Catholic school and being taught by religion teachers that, hey, you know, those evangelicals, they think that evolution isn't real, but like Catholics believe in evolution.

I'm like, yeah, since 1958. eight. You know what I mean? Like, it's not like, you know, they put Galileo in house arrest for saying the moon move differently. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's 100% what's going to happen. And women are going to be priests and they're going to act like misogyny never existed in

the Catholic church. And it's going to be hilarious to see. Yeah, that will be an interesting leaf. Because just kind of the way politicians do. They're like, I've always like, yeah, yeah, exactly. 900 videos of you saying they shouldn't get. Yeah, Hillary Clinton in 2007 being like, gay people. Yeah.

Now she's like, can you please vote for me? I'm not Donald Trump. She's like, I always keep poppers in my bag. I totally forgot about that thing, the hot sauce in person. What was the exact quote with that? Like, I always keep hot sauce in my bag. Yeah.

But, like, she was being asked that, like, by a black person in a black room. There are videos of her, like, literally changing her voice based on, like, who she's around. Oh, she also gets a lot of robocalls? Yeah. Yeah, Bill be pulling up.

Bill'll be pulling up real soon. You're like, what? What is like the In Judaism? What were you taught about gay? Yeah, what did they call you, Ben? Jew gayism. How do they deal with that? So I didn't get

like a super religious upbringing. It's why you're a man of science. I did maybe like a year of Hebrew school, but I didn't even have like a bar mitzvah. I'm not like a good resource or authority on Judaism. Okay. But I know

isn't like any religion the more serious you get generally the more homophobic. Oh yeah. I think, yeah, at the lower levels they're a little bit more chill about it.

My aunt... What if it's in a tunnel? Is that okay? Well, we weren't talking about it. It's very funny because like I think we talked about this last episode

how it's actually... The one that's not getting released. Yeah. I'm releasing it. I'm releasing it. I'm very uncomfortable with it, but yeah. the uh you were saying somebody you're on oh yeah so she was actually uh like the first female rabbi in boston like 40 years ago oh shit

if you ask me a woman belongs in the rabbihood like an orange belongs on the sater plate on the what plate it's a sater plate it's uh in judaism they have the sater uh as opposed to oh yeah you're gonna be jewish like dindin uh there's like there's dindin in catholicism and sadder and judicism Okay. Like having a little dindin. There's a little Easter egg for our Jewish listeners, but it wasn't worth...

They don't believe in that. Yeah, yeah. A little Passover egg. Well, yeah, we were joking the last episode was funny. We're like, it's weird that like, there's always these people who say like, they're like, religion is all

different people's interpretation of the word of God. It's probably all the same God, like especially Abrahamic religions. But it is funny, they all agree that being gay is, like, look, we all have different views, but this is the wrong one.

The one thing we all agree. There's this hilarious quote by Louis Farrakhan, who I listen to every week. And he... Wait, who is he again? I know Kanye not a fan. Kanye not a fan? Maybe he is a fan.

I think he might be a fan. Do Louis Farrakhan... I got him mixed up with Net and Yahoo, which are completely... They're very different. So, Lewis Farrakhan, black power guy, not a fan of the Jews.

I don't know why I said that, like Adam Sandler and the Hanukkah song. Not a fan of the... Yeah, Louis Farrakhan, not a fairer of Jews. But when, not David Duke, but like the guy below David Duke in, like, the white supremacy community, he passed, I actually don't remember his name, unfortunately. But he passed away and Louis Farrakhan went, you know what? I knew him well. We would talk.

Didn't agree about everything. Of course. He's a white supremacist. I believe in the supremacy of black people. But he was right about Jews. And I'm like, damn, that's so funny, dude. It's like we were able to find common ground. What is it the enemy of my enemy is my friend?

That's kind of what it was too. There would be some like, there is a sort of weird thing. I remember there was, I actually didn't see him speak, but there was a former neo-Nazi that came to our college to speak about like what that experience was like. He was like, he's like, awesome. They came out. He's like, just let me back in. He's like, come on, I don't want to have to talk to college kids.

He had very cool tattoos, but he was like we would get together with like the like the other gangs and be like, listen, we disagree about who the superior races, but we all agree that there is a superior race and that we should divide the United States into sections and like the hunger games. Pretty much. Yeah. Like there's, I remember he, my friend was telling me he showed a diagram and he was like, we sat down with like the different like leader. like the black leaders, Hispanic leaders, and be like, listen,

like the Spanics get the Southwest, of course. It's like a football draft. Pretty much the, it's the racial draft on the Chappelle show. That's what it was. So you don't get to change your race.

Yeah. So it's kind of interesting to be like, like we're, it's almost, what's the expression, horseshoe theory? Where you're such an extreme,

so extreme politically that you actually agree with the people on the far left and the far right? Oh, you know what I mean? Well, that is a thing with, like, you take, like, there are, like, black supremacy groups that, like, do mirror, like, white supremacy groups. And the thing with Lewis Farrakhan is that he could kind of dial it down a little bit. That's why I felt so bad for Nick Cannon, you know, because I don't think Nick Cannon is anti-Semite.

I think he's kind of dumb and he listens to the people that talk to him. You know what I mean? So they were like, have you heard about melanin theory? Have you heard that were the real Jews? And he's like, listen, I have, I have 12 kids and I can kind of rap and I have a dumb improv show. at MTV for our words. And he used to do stand-up. And he used to do stand-up.

Which, I mean, that's a cherry on top of how dumb somebody. Yeah, it's weird. I started to respect somebody less if they did stand-up. I'm like, well, clearly you're unintelligence. That's such a hard position to be in where he's like, listen, this person that tells me about God also has weird opinions about the Jews. And I don't know enough to know that the things he's telling me are anti-Semitic. And oops, someone put a microphone in my face and I said some stuff.

Yeah, yeah. And now my manager is calling me. Yeah, yeah. It sounds real stressful, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's not a, it's not a Kanye West thing where his brain is just broken from mental illness. It's literally like he just got some wrong information. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he said, like, literally three sentences that got him in trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nick Cannon is hilarious. And then on the next season of Wilden out, they got, like, the most Jewish guy possible. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We're at an hour, though. Ooh.

Oh, by the way, from the last episode. it's gonna be very funny the last episode does you get released I'm leaving it up to my producer I'm like drop it if you drop it This has a producer Yeah my buddy Yeah yeah yeah

I'm sorry But um The uh no it's fine I don't get my feelings hurt Very much Yeah But that's the end of the show Oh yeah

On the last episode I said I got my dick sucked In Pirates of Caribbean 3 It was Pirates of Caribbean 4 I don't want people Redaction Yes Redaction

People are gonna listen to it And they're gonna be like Oh he was live when he got his dick No, that's stolen valor. I was about 13. 14. Michael, this is all well and good,

but we all know that less people see the retraction than the original story. There's some people that are always going to have the incorrect information floating around their heads. And that girl who sucked your dick in the fourth one is going to be like he had his dick sucked in the third one. Where could they avoid you guys? Check me out on YouTube, Patrick Haggerty, the Sports and the Stuff show. Go check that out. I subscribed. Yeah, oh, hell yeah, you did.

Hell yeah, dude. And check me out on Instagram, Bobby Sheen, L-O-L-L-L-L-L, because you know I bring the laughter. Follow me on Instagram. Don't follow me on X. I'm terrible on X. I also have a podcast called The Before Hours Podcast. It's an internet radio phenomenon hosted by an occasional morning person where I ask the most interesting people I know about their sleep routine, life, love, stress, and setbacks. Thank you for having me, Michael.

Yeah, thanks for being here. Yeah, you can find me on Instagram. This is Ben Miller. I have a bunch of road dates coming up all around the U.S. a little bit of Europe. Bobby's opening some of those shows. Yeah, dude. So, yeah, check that out. Thanks for having me. It's a science-based show, right?

Yes. The new show I'm touring around is an hour of jokes about volcanoes. That's awesome. Oh, yeah. And I'm headlining this Saturday in Maryland as well. This is going to come out in two weeks. That's great, man. I'm headlining two weeks ago in Maryland. If you find a time machine,

don't kill Hill. I go to his show. I just want people to know that I headlined. That is true. It's more that I just want people to know I did that, you know? Yeah. So that way, maybe they'll go check my YouTube out because they know that I'm a head, that I have headlined. Yeah, this is a legitimate headliner we on the podcast.

All right. Perfect. Thank you.