Morning Good - McLiar - Episode 303

Episode Date: February 15, 2026

Alex Ives and Joe Gorman join the show for today's episode. They talk about performing at a 1 on 1 comedy show for a billionaire, doing a minute long handstand on cocaine, and what constitutes a bad Morning Good Episode.Thanks to Alex and Joe for coming back on the show. Check them both out on previous episodes and hit their links down below for more.Alex is on Instagram @alexives__standing. Joe is on Instagram  @joewgorman and hosts the Super Selli Joe's podcast with Alex Tomaselli.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. Pooh, poo, pee, poop, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, p p p p p pkaka. Okay, sweet. All right, we're going. We'll edit that whole stuff at the beginning. Of course, dude, yeah. Like, the last thing they need.

need is your opinion on eugenics and how the skull size determines one's worth. It's got to be related. How is it just not related at all? But, Professor, I just want to circle back to this one more time. So nervous, Michael. Fucking double checking, dude. The footage is going to be bonged, dude. He's going to, here's what's going to happen.

The podcast is going to end. He's going to be like, thanks a lot, guys. And he's going to walk over. He's going to look at the camera. He's going to be like, oh, no, I feel it. I feel it. And now you're not even going to be able to host this podcast. You're going to be too in your head about the video quality now.

No, no, no. Yes, yes, yes, Michael. You know what I do want to do, though. It would be funny to release the first half, like make it look like I accidentally posted and it's just me shit talking.

Like, we're not recording it. These fans are a bunch of fucking losers. I hate that. Anybody who listens to this sucks. Nice, dude. Yeah. What's stopping you from doing that?

Nothing. I like that. Yeah. I really get to the point where I've released so many bad episodes that I go like, it doesn't do. What do you consider a bad episode? There was one that my producer literally told me the levels. He could visually see that there was a lack of laughs on the audio clip.

He's like, normally there's spikes when people laugh. Who is a special guest, a woman and another woman? Can I take a wild stab in the dark? You can. Is it a woman? Yes. There we go. Case closed.

Another case solved by Detective Gorman. Oh, why was it a bad pod? Oh, you had a hole on it. Yeah, dude, watch out, dude You don't think of men as holes No, I think of men as shavs Okay Like a fucking, like a fucking solid

fucking cock Yeah Because like for a man You're not supposed to use the holes on a man You're supposed to use the holes on a woman Yeah A woman was given five holes And you're to use all of them

A man was given one hole Three one Two holes Six seven I guess like all the nostrils We got a ton of holes We got like a ton of holes Our dick is a hole.

Not really. It's a very wide. It's a slit, dude. I have a thick slit, which isn't good for anything. Put a fucking picture of your fucking penis head right there so we can judge. And like you got to put like a little penny next to it for a size reference. Like look at this side. You know how you have like this like a fucking this is a six foot tall man.

And it's a little. Like replace, believe it or not. Like there's like an old lady standing next to my giant. They're like, oh my God, look it really is that big. Or like a redwood tree fucking cut in half. and they're like, how fucking big this shit is. And it's like, I don't give a fuck, right? Let me see the freaks.

Yeah, well, I wonder to, yeah, that's true. We're the caged pygmy people. They need to bring back, like, actual freak shows. I watched a whole documentary. The freaks liked it. They were about that show. Yeah, yeah. They loved it.

They don't have much else besides to be put on show. Yeah, you get like a freak on the train. Yeah, you get a bucket of fishheads every morning, dude. What's not to like? Dude, you get to scare the locals? I tell you, I'd be the strong man for sure. You gotta look like... Yeah, just put me in a fucking unitarred.

Give me some of those fake dumbbells. I just, ho! Yeah, right? That shit fucking, oh! You know, I'm just like doing like kettlebell fucking shit outside. That's, you know, for that. You know, I have like one of those old lifting belts. Yeah.

Those big ass lifting belts. I'm in. Well, the movie's always making it seem like they're all like a real family. Like, what would you? Michael, you would be like the jigolo. The sex guy You probably This is the sex guy

Who like Steals like their fucking like Purses and shit You're walking around With like a little Aladdin vest on And shit dude I'm gonna have sex with this guy's wife There's no way you can do it by the other

Yeah it's like Ugh Yeah Oh yeah You always You always fuck the mayor's wife And that's why the freak show Has to leave that town

I always chased down I was like damn it Michael We're always trying to plan a heist too Because of course A freak show is also criminals. They always steal shit in that town, you know?

Yeah, town to town, yeah. Now they just get choked out on the F train when they're trying to be Michael Jackson. Yeah, that's true. That was tight. Remember when they killed that one fucking crazy homeless guy? And then Donald Trump gave him like a medal of honor.

That was the Michael Jackson guy, right? Yeah, yeah. That happened on my stop, dude. Yeah, I could have been on that. Now it's like a historic landmark. Yeah. Like on the site in 2001, some cool shit fucking happened.

Some cool shit went down. So mind your peas and cute. accuse black people because that was the real message that was being sent out, you know. When they come back like, excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt your ride. I was born without any taste buds or fingerprints. I just need some money so I can buy McRib, you know, even if the McRib isn't in fucking season. That's where you call them out and you go. It's like, excuse me, I fucking know this shit.

You're a fucking McLeyer. And now you're McFucked, dude. We all fucking beat them to death for lying about the McRibb. availability. That's the one sacred thing that all New Yorker shares a love of the McRib. Yeah. Well, you got to hear both sides of the stories. What's the other side? The other side was that, uh, I don't know. I'm crazy. That was the other side. It's like, it's like, there are times where like a crazy person gets on the train, you're like, oh, God, I hope somebody fucking kills this guy, you know. I have thought like, I don't know,

it's weird. I want to know what each drug smells like. Because I think I'm starting to figure it out. Well, cocaine smells fucking phenomenal. No, I've smelt it. Cocaine does have a very manufactured smell, though. And you know, like, when you're in a room where, like, people have been doing cocaine, you kind of have like, oh, this has like a little cocaine-y smell. Dude, you know.

The most cocaine I ever seen, this guy brought into my room in college, a, it was like a brownie tray. Like, you know, the glass ones? Yeah. Just fill with cocaine. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was, you could smell it, like, from that corner of the room. I was like, please let me just do a little fucking. gummer.

Yeah. Like, come on. Like, come on. That's like stingy to fucking, like, not give you a fucking, you got a line, right? No, because he's holding it for somebody else. Somebody's house got raided. There's no way they're going to miss a little, like that. Isn't that fucking classic Coke head talk?

Like, they're not going to miss a little taste of it. And then like, I'm just fucking doing like that scar face to keep my fucking face in it. It comes out. I'm like Mrs. Doubtfire. Like, hello. I'm coke jump. That would be tied.

Yeah, I guess like, yeah, I guess I'm the reason like you can't like, just keep like cocaine at someone's house for safekeeping because I'm like, I'll just take a little, I just take a little taste. I just always walking by, just scooping my little fucking Coke nail in. When I think I'm back, it's like half missing.

Like, what the fuck? Yeah, well, my thing too is like, I'm like, I wouldn't trust my friend not to drop it. Could you imagine dropping?

Like how much, okay, so like how much did you get some brownie tray is? That's probably like a pound, right? At least, that's probably like a full brick. Yeah.

Yeah. Is that a kilo? Is that a kilo? Is that a kilo? Yeah. That's like at least a kilo. Yeah. The best part is getting it in the vial, though.

I know. Ooh, that little fucking vial. Yeah, but you can't strip it out of the vial and, like, throw them on the ground like diced. You're like, fucking, let's go. Dude, they love it and like you're the only one getting the five for four deal. Because like, oh, I'm not going to get one. I'm going to get the five for four. It's like, I'm saving my.

I'm saving mine. It's like, just say like what the price is for five. Five or four is the best thing cocaine dealers ever did, though. It's all they have. Yeah, it's all. I never did a five for four. You get five for four. Yeah, you get five files for the price of four.

But how many grams is? It's like five grams usually. Being in five grams rocks. I don't believe a vial is a gram. They definitely cut it. I mean, everyone cuts it. You just got to make sure it's a guy that cuts it with good shit. Yeah.

Not that fentanyl nonsense unless you have like a really high tolerance. Yeah. You have to be the coolest guy ever to fucking have a tolerance to fentanyl. That's all I got to say. Yeah, that is the thing. They're all like, oh, they're bringing fentanyl all across the border. It's like, well, some people want it. Yeah, it tastes good.

Yeah. It's like, yeah, look, dude, I understand why not everyone likes fucking like super spicy. hot wings, but don't take it off the fucking menu. Yeah, it's for some people. You know? Some of us like the spice. I can handle it. Send me your cocaine and I'll see how much fentanyl has in it. Yeah. I can do it just by taste.

The best is like a four-month break from Coke, though. Then you go with your friends and you do it. You're like, oh my God. Especially it's like, why did I fucking walk away from your old friend? Seven year break. How was that going back? Incredible. Broke it. Doesn't it feel good to go back? It feels so good. No. It was the worst at about it.

Oh, shut up. Every time I do it after go back, I'm like, what am I doing? Why am I not doing more cocaine? It's like, nothing makes me feel like just like, oh, man. Especially if I do coke during the day sometimes, I'll just do a little fucking Tootskies. And I'm like, ooh, this is nice, dude. I feel like jazz.

I'm like, this is why businessman fucking did that. And that's why they were fucking productive as fuck, dude, dude. You don't get that horrendous crash? No, just doing more Coke, dude. Just go to sleep. Yeah, there's a quick, dude. Well, the answer to Coke come down is benzodiazepines. You take a fucking Zambi.

And you're like, it's just like I didn't even do cocaine. I just, I, I fucking hit the little vapy pen. And then you're good? I'm good, dude. A little THC vape always resets the old system. Yeah, I did the smallest amount. So I did, I was out with some friends and then somebody had Tusi, which is

mostly ketamine, Coke, and Molly. And he's like, do I'm telling you, there's almost zero cocaine in this. I was like, okay, I think God. So I was like, oh, it's a healthy alternative, thank you. So I took a snort and he wasn't correct. Because I was like, I hate coke. I haven't done seven years. But I was like, okay,

a bump of two C probably has like no coke in it. Because if you, if it's mostly ketamine, I'm like, then I'm doing probably not even a wreck, like, it wouldn't even go on my system. And I was talking to this girl on the dance floor and I was like, you know, I could, I was really fully hitting. I was like, on ketamine and on Molly and on Coke. I was like, you know, I can do a handstand, right? And then she's like,

no, you can't. She's like, do one right now. And I was like, all right, we made a dance circle. And I was like, watch this shit. The longest I'd done a handstand before, it was like 10 seconds. Minute long handstand. Dude, swear to God I was going down and I was like There's no, I'm gonna fucking die

Were you walking? Dude, walking around on the dance floor. I thought you're just standing just like a tower Just upside down. That'd be more impressive Walking around and it was fucking crazy That's the thing. It makes you the real you.

That's the thing about the shows like how great drugs are With no downside. I never do. No, an hour later I was like What? I made notes in my phone, never do cocaine ever. You remember not to do this And this one time you forgot

because you didn't think it was enough to actually work and fucking idiot. But it did. It did work. You were the life of the party, dude. That woman would have fucked you. She had a boyfriend. Who cares?

You had a fun night with it. Yeah, who cares? Yeah, dude. Who gives a shit? She was telling her boyfriend about you. You made a boyfriend jealous because you did Tusi. Yeah, that's shit. I mean, if I was her boyfriend, I'd fucking beat her severely for fucking talking to

another man. You know what was that bar? Yeah. What was that shit? What was that shit? Who was he? Doing handstands making me look like a fucking fool. I go to fucking Afghanistan.

This is the shit I see. I don't want to come here. It's like that scene from brothers. You know what I did? With these hands! I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill Michael Good. Coming for you.

There's got to be one guy that wants me dead out there. Multiple, dude. All the stories you tell me. Could you pinpoint one person? Yeah, a lot of angry fathers. You made it so my little. little girl doesn't have a twinkle in her eye anymore. Yikes, dude.

Yeah, I think my favorite was, I was in high school. I went to a college bar and I, like, was talking to some chick, got her phone number. I lied. Instead I went to, like, University of Georgia. Nice. Like three years later, we were out of the same bar.

And this guy just goes, you're that asshole from University of Georgia and was texting my girlfriend. I went to like Florida State at the top. I'm like, I'm like, what? This guy just starts pushing me. And I'm like, dude, I don't even remember. And I was like, oh my gosh, this is from like three years ago.

This guy... Good on him. At least he stood his ground on you. Damn, dude. Yeah. How do you know your face? He just remembered for three... He must have looked through her text.

It was like, oh, you fucking texted that guy? Yeah. You just got to play dumb. What are you talking about? Yeah, what are you talking about? What are you talking about? I'm Mike Good from FSU, baby. Yeah, I'll show you my student ID.

Yeah, my student idea, dude. What kind of fucking guy? Yeah. Who cares, dude? Yeah. Like, get a new bitch. Yeah, that's what I should say. Grow up.

Yeah. What do you do? When your bitch is talking to other man? you're not fucking keeping your bitch in line, dude. Yeah. Yeah, you should have... My woman hasn't seen natural sunlight in three years. That's the way it should be.

That's how it is, dude. Those Andrew Tay guys are so funny because they're just, they're speaking in such a minimal sense. It's like... It's, I mean, it's, it's, you got to be like an act, you got to have an active shooter vibe. Yeah, yeah. You know, where it's like, I'm too much of a coward to buy a gun and do what needs to be done.

Right. So I'm going to listen to Andrew Tate instead. Fair. No, I say, you're like, you were like an alpha. you'd have shot up your school, but you're not an alpha. You're a little fucking beta, so you're going to give this fucking dork some money. You hear how you're like, oh, this is how you date. As if, like, he has any fucking biological children, you know.

I listen to a Catholic father before I listen to Andrew Tate. Catholic father, like, knows how to fucking blast inside of a woman. He's got living proof. On average, the Catholic family, 18 children. That's the average? Yeah, it's like literally a... What's the minimum? A litter.

What's the mother? The Muslim average, the Muslim average is, well, actually the Muslim average is quite a bit because they get those 72 virgins. True. So, you know, 72 plus. Do you think in heaven? So if they get 72 virgins, how do you think they cycle that? Do you think you fuck them all in one day or you think you're... No, it can't be a while, yeah.

I think it's like a whole heaven. I wonder if you could just have them whenever you want them. Yeah. Is it a new 702 once you fuck one? That's a good question. Because once they're no longer versions once you fuck them, right? But if it's just like one body, but it takes on like 72 different shapes. Yeah.

You know? That seems less fun. What do you want? A whole harem? I want dirty horse. Well, what are you doing to earn the praise of a law, first of all? Like, you're planning like this great thing, but you got to be like a fucking hero and crash a plane into the World Trade Center if you want to get some of that poo nanny. What other shit?

Like, that's the only thing I know that is guaranteed to get you those 72 virgins. What else has happened in in fucking Muslim history where somebody earns 72 virgins? what other great feats of Muslim history. More of like the curly sword people. Yeah, true. Kind of like guys were, yeah. So, okay, magic carpet. Aladdin got it, yeah.

Okay, so Aladdin got the 72 where you think Jafar did? Probably. What do you think it happened if you were? Did they both not like encapsulate elements of fucking the Quran and shit, right? Yeah. I wonder what happened if you actually told a Muslim guy in a fight. You're like, Muhammad would be so disappointed. Dude, would kill you.

He would cut your head off. And you're like, this is how sad he is. And you draw with fucking Prophet Muhammad. You make a picture. And it's like, well, now I got to fucking behead you. You understand this, right? Well, nobody really, like, I've actually never seen a drawing of Muhammad.

You're not allowed to. I know, but South Park's like, we're going to do it as like a joke, but not really do it. Like, no, I've never seen it. No, they did it. And they actually, Comedy Central actually censored it. Are they, like, rent? Does anyone have any idea what he looks like?

Can you draw a, no? Google, drawing of, Muhammad. Be really careful. Go on incognito mode first. I'd hate for anything to happen to you. That would be a fun, like, little podcast thing. In fact, you up, duck, duck, go. How do you download all of your fucking porn? Let's go on spank bang. It's also, it's like, dude, Google knows me. Come on. What is, what do I care if you know, I'm watching porn? And it's like, I'm not hiding it from my fucking parents. Like, what's my, what are they going to do ground me? I'm a fucking adult, right? Yeah. I think it's just like the fear of, these are crazy. if like somebody

This one is him as like a goat It's as a furry That ISIS guy Didn't that fuck a goat? Did they? This one is cool I doubt he look at this chill That one's chill as hell

Oh that's that's actually Venom from Spider-Man That's not the prophet I actually know this one I can feel this one That is fan art of Spider-Man This one makes the most sense That one is probably most interesting

Well the funny part too Is anybody who is Islamic is not drawing this So it's nice that somebody was so respectful, but didn't believe in his law. See if, like, chat GPT or Grong can make an animation of it. Oh, can you ask it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, let's ask it, dude. You're like, I didn't draw it.

I don't have to bomb AI. Yeah, do you say if they would. I wonder if they would do that or like if they would be like, actually, I can't fucking. That's the thing I don't understand because he was a guy. So I don't get why you can't draw a guy. He was like apparently the word of God or something according to that goofy backwards religion. Did he ever say, don't draw pictures of me? Yeah, he's like, dude, don't get him.

No, I look like shit, don't. That's all it was. insecure. He's like, oh, I look like shit. He said, no,

I can't draw a visual depiction of the Prophet Muhammad. Rockwood. It's like, what do you, could you, could you be like,

do you think what the Prophet Muhammad would look like based on, based on descriptions, can you compile what we believe a Middle Eastern

prophet, circa fucking 500 BC would have looked like. Who married a nine year old? It's just going to look like the frame, auger. There's got to be like a

workaround where we can track trick, chat GPT. It says minimum height, broad shoulders. It's just depicting a Muslim. It's just depicting a normal Muslim guy. Take that and make it look like they would appear in an episode of the Simpsons.

Based on the description listed, how would they appear in an episode of the Simpsons? Who is the Jewish prophet? Is it Moses? That's Jesus. Abraham? I don't think we have a prophet. John?

It's just Hashem is God. Okay. I don't think we had one. Damn. Yeah. Moses was like the guy, though. Moses split the sea. Yeah, he was like the dude.

I mean, even like both Bibles, the New and Old Testament were like Moses's what's up. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I should get Moses merch. Like everybody has a cross. To make Muhammad.

Damn, dude. Okay, so I guess we know who controls Chad Chief of T? Yes. Who would have thought of that? Grock would do it in a heartbeat. Archive that, Chuck. do an epic roast picture of Muhammad. Dude, totally epic.

That guy was saying epic last night. Oh, he loved it, dude. Yeah. Michael performed in front of a billionaire. He gave a billionaire private show. Oh, yeah, what happened last night? Dude, so we're at the pair, and the show's getting canceled. This one guy was just like, dude, I want to see a show.

He's like, I'll give you $100 if you perform from right now. And I was like, nah. Comedy a la carte. Yeah, I was like, it's against the rules. I don't think we could do that. And he was like, Michael said it wouldn't be right to the other people who came out here. Yeah. And I was like,

I betcha I was like, fuck it, dude. So I just did stand up with this one guy. And then halfway through, I found out he was gay. So I was like, maybe he's just trying to fuck me. Michael was like, I hate faggots. I want to kill him. I would kill a faggot right now if he was in front of me. Even if he promised me $100, I'd sooner kill him than take $100.

And then he's like, I'm gay. And then, like, actually. And then Michael went, yeah. Yeah, then I showed him my ass. I made it wink for him. Did you actually? No. Oh, I don't know.

I didn't say. I would kill a fag. Michael gave him. Michael gave him his number and asked him how long you was staying in New York for. All that happened, yeah. Really?

Yeah, it was funny, too, because I was like, I can't do a show at the pair and I'm like so broke right now. I'm like, I don't think the guy was gay. I was like, I'll do a show this guy's apartment for like $100 if it's like, you know, I tell everybody where I'm at and stuff. And then nobody would have like come to your aid

if you're like, I'm trapped. And we're like, all right, bye. Yeah. Dude, I don't know. You knew what you were getting into when like a fucking man. Look, man, if a guy offers to go back to his apartment, a cock is coming out.

out. There's no way around it. That seems kind of like... What's that you that had the story about the guy and the... You're at a hotel and some guy tried to get you up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he just had to like, I'm just going to try to jerk him off as quick as possible. Yeah, but he was chill about it. You were like, nah, he's like, all good. He was hilarious. He goes, come to 28. I was like, what's in 28? I was like,

I was like, no, I goes, come on. Yeah. And I was like, no, he goes, come on. Okay, man, have a good night. Yeah. Oh, that's nice, dude. That's how it should be. I mean, you know what? Shoot your shot, right? Seriously, yeah. It's like, all right, give me a fucking minute to think about it. Can I pretend you're a beautiful woman? Yeah. You know?

What's the problem? Yeah, but I'd seen the guy walking around. I think he literally just walked Florida. What's the problem? Why wouldn't you do it? Because I'm not a gay guy? Eh, who cares, right? It's fun.

How often do you get that opportunity? I mean, I think it's pretty easy. No? I guess I'm just ugly. Don't fucking say that, Joe. No, don't even try to make me feel better, dude. You're the muscle. No, I wish, like, I wish my big strong.

strong muscles could fix my broken heart. Maybe I make these muscles so big to distract from my hideous face, so I just try to hide behind my pectorals and my triceps and my biceps. I'm sorry, man. It's okay. I'm over it. Nobody thinks that about you. Oh, thank you, Michael. You're a freak with a heart of gold. I am a freak with a heart to go. That's new bio. Yeah, that's great. No, I wanted to put piss monger on there. Do you? You like being pissed on, huh? I do, but a piss monger is, you have a, thick stream. Oh, really?

Somebody out pissed clavicular when he was like in high school and he like posted on a bodybuilding thing. Yeah. And, uh,

but I, I, because I have a thick hole in my penis. Yeah. Not the herpes. Do you think you could actually like fit like,

a cue tip through your urethro? Ooh, wouldn't do that. But I'm more like, let me hold stuff in the front. Because going in is scary to me, but it's a wide opening. I don't know how big is your opening.

Like, could you fit, could you fit like a coffee stirer in it? that's what i think like a big toothpick you know those like rubber ones yeah you could get that you get one of those yeah well let's just talk about the entrance because i don't know what goes past there i've never well you gotta figure out you got to understand your body this is true yeah that's how they test for STDs too they fucking stick like something like deep in your erythra never had i'd rather just get the AIDS I'd rather just get AIDS like fuck it like that before you're like how

much worse is it I'll tell you this this might not be a fucking nice take but if I had AIDS I wouldn't tell anyone yeah you shouldn't you know you tell people they had HIV I just go around like, I just go do my business. Whatever happens, happens. Just taking people's vapes. Whatever, dude. What are you going to happen? You go, what did you, you scare it?

Just take a fucking multivitamin, dude. Why do you fucking, why do I have to fucking, like, live in a bubble, you know? Yeah, because something unfair happened to you. Oh, all of a sudden, yeah. So you should do it to everybody else. Oh, I do something fun and all of a sudden I have to be a pariah. Get out of here, dude. What is this fucking Puritan, fucking world we live in?

I can't go around knowingly infecting other people with AIDS. Yeah. Grow up. People. Grow up. It's such a like high school health class mindset that you shouldn't give everybody AIDS. Yeah. It's like if everyone had,

I, and I think it's like, and like this is all like only like what, like it affects like fucking one percent of one percent of the population AIDS. So we haven't really said like, I bet if enough people had AIDS just like COVID, people would have a natural immunity to it. It's true.

So you're saying you should give the children AIDS. Oh, yeah. AIDS is just, Herpes 1 now. That's all it is. Yeah, dude. Yeah, it's like, that shit used to be, it's not a death sentence anymore. No. It's just like it's a vitamin D deficiency. There's so many commercials. You said how

many people have it? What percentage of the population? Like 1% of 1%? So many ads for it. I know. It's out of control. It's like, chill out. Also, who has AIDS and isn't looking up medication? Who was like, oh, that would help with my AIDS. I mean, it was like... I saw a commercial last night where it's like, you don't have to... It was like, the... Madison was like, you don't have to take AIDS medication every day.

I was like, if I had AIDS, I would... want to take medicine medicine every day every day as I wake up I was like I don't feel like it I have a sore throat there's no way it's gonna come 100% back the doctor the doctor gives a piller like this is so big do I really

like you took a cock to your ass can I just take like two tomorrow instead? Come on man yeah they say prep you can just fucking take it and just get fucking I think prep is people who don't have AIDS right yeah prep is for all these like confused kids

that are like I guess I'm like fucking bisexual according to Netflix so they fuck and they're like damn now i have AIDS i'm condemned it's like not anymore here's a little fucking pill it's cool to take a fucking pill now yeah they're fucking having like elmo takes fucking there's a song about it i took a pill and a visa so that avici could not give me aids really yeah yeah that's a fucking beautiful song not sam smith oh what's his name uh who's that mike posner good job yeah my posner that's awesome yeah but uh yeah i think uh it's funny too because, like, when I thought I had herpes,

I was like, why don't they figure this out? How did you get herpes? How is chlamydia figured out? Damn, dude, I'm so old. Like, I found out I might have gotten herpes through a MySpace message. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I had to, like, go get fucking tested and, like, thank God I didn't. But it was like, it's so funny, like, when, like, one of, like, your, like,

fourth or fifth sexual experiences are like, oh, yeah, I have herpes. I'm like, damn, what the fuck? I got fucked, like, right out of the game, you know? It's like, God, damn, what the fuck? I didn't even get started. and I'm like, I'm definitely not telling anyone about this. And then later I had sex with a girl. And then she got tested.

She's like, yeah, I don't have herpes or anything. I'm like, well, then I don't have herpes because like if I did, you were a fucking property. Yeah, you're good to go. And like, she was like, that was like an incredibly irresponsible thing to do. And I'm like, actually, I think it's pretty fucking responsible, you know, because I didn't do it to a woman I loved. Yeah.

Just some faceless bitch. I don't even know. I think she's dead now. Fucking die of some STD or something. me. Good riddance, right? A little fucking twerp. Torp.

Yeah, what a twerp, dude. Yeah, we're too. We got HSV-1 on the side of the couch. Oh, yeah. Really? H.Sv1. Oh, nice, dude. Everybody's got one, dude.

70%. We're good. I mean, yeah, dude. It's like a fucking chill-ass thing to have. It's like, that's like the whole, it's like everyone has that shit now, too. Yeah. And what else does it have?

They have, like, her pee. What else is there? HPV. HPV is a big one. That's a, that's off the gate. though. Like, right where you have it's like if you use

a public toilet you have HPV. You literally have HPV. You would pay below you guys. It's like 60% of like active people have it.

Like no one dies from it. Yeah. What does it do though? Doesn't give you bumps or anything, right? It's just like, you get genital warts. No.

You might be like at risk for cancer like down the line. That's what it is. Yeah. It can give you cancer. But like there's no real correlation.

I like don't believe in cancer. Like I know it's real. Yeah. Oh, you're taking the Native American approach where it's actually the curse of the white man. Yeah. Yeah.

You smoke them the natural tobacco? Yeah, dude. That apparently like fucking prevents cancer. American spirits. It's the process tobacco that's fucking bad for you because like the process tobacco that you get, it's like, you know, it's basically just like water. Doesn't that formaldehyde? It's only menthol that gives you cancer actually.

They were just like, who do we want to get the people that smoke menthol? Yeah. No, it's like, that's when they gave like, oh, we're going to distribute crack to the inner city too and keep this harmless cocaine for the bourgeoisie. I do trust crackheads. I saw Rob Ford clip the other day. You know, like, the big one where he's just like, so what if I smoke crack? He's like, you're just jealous.

You don't have people that do fun stuff with you and nobody likes you. He wants to hang out. You have no friends. The guy like wipes away with tears. Like, all right. Like, I draw every smote, Hunter Biden seems honest. I think these people that smoke crack. He's just straight up.

I mean, like, yeah. I mean, crack seems like a pretty fun. I mean, like, fuck, everyone's doing it. I don't want to be left out. What's like the addiction level of heroin? He's heroin off the... No, I heard that's most addictive. Cigarettes are the most addictive.

Like, heroin's easier to kick them cigarettes. That's what they say. Is that really true? I think a lot... Well, it's also like, it's harder to fucking get access to heroin. Yeah. You know? But if you're doing heroin, I feel like you've got to have easy access to it.

You can just kind of win yourself off, right? Yeah, I think it's... I mean, a bunch of people have done heroin and a bunch of people that didn't get addicted to heroin. No way, really? Yeah. I don't know anybody who shot it, not addicted. But it's like how you can be a sex addict where it's like, yeah.

God, I can't get this. But like it's so easily to understand why. It's like, oh, this thing that feels fucking great. Yeah. It makes you feel great all this time. But really, like, or just serotonin chasers because we're so naturally serotonin deprive that these synthetic rushes we get, we were so desperate for them that we'll do anything.

But if we had like real lives, if we're like out in the field doing field work, You know, raising horses, fishing, getting back in touch with nature. Raising horses, like teaching them lessons and playing catch at them. Like getting, like, you know, going up to a field or a wild horses and like holding up your hand like, whoa, whoa. And like the horse is like fucking bucking. You're like, whoa, whoa.

And like you put your head on their forehead and calm them down, you know, that kind of shit. You think that feels better than shooting heroin directly in your blood. I think it's about on par. Yeah. Steve and Tyler said heroin's better than the best orgasm I've ever had. I bet. And he had sex with an underage girl. So he's really tried some things.

He was a cool cat looking for a kitty if the fucking lyrics are any insight into his twisted mind. Yeah. Yeah, he is one of those that really got away with being a pedophile. He really got to him. So Anthony Keatis too. Anthony Keatis was like, I was on heroin and I fucking was fucking a teenager. And then I wrote Californication.

And I fucked a teenager. And then I was able to rhyme like 17 different words with California. Yeah. He's a heroin out. He's like, he's like, like, Bing, Bong, Bung, California. And like a teenager's I got to have sex with that 67-year-old man. Yeah.

I got a ton of heroin, too. The song Sweet Virginia is about heroin. Everything's about heroin, man. But that blows my mind that you don't get addicted to. Well, Keith Richards was, but I think the rest of them, but I think he's pretty still drink sometimes. Yeah. That's really nice, because you always have these sober stories,

and you're like, oh, it sucks like I can't have a beer. Yeah. Some of them are like, no, I just used to do heroin. Now I just have a couple beers. I have a couple beers. I'm good. Yeah. That's how much alcohol plays a role in my life.

The idea of never drinking again is like, I don't know. Terrifying. It is. How many nights a week do you drink? What's up? How many nights a week are you drinking? Every night. Usually three.

I ran out of my prescription for colonopens so that upped a little bit last week. Uh-oh. Which isn't good, but I was like, I gotta get to sleep. I'm going to have like a couple beers before bed. So last week it was like, what? That's crazy. That's wild. Yeah, it is wild.

I would say I usually. Are you drinking beer? in bed. All the time. No, no. Tucked in, just drinking beer. How'd you get a tall boy, white claw, watch some TV,

takes him over-the-counter sleep meds, and then go to sleep that way. What do you watch on TV when you're drugging? When I'm drugging? Dude, I watch Batman the Animated Series. That's a birdie back-up. Yeah, yeah. Clone Wars.

There's little lessons of Batman the animated series. He's like, although you fight crime, you should also have empathy for the victims. It's, you know, one of the cool things. This is for adults. Because, like, Batman, he always called the villains

by their real name. never called him. He would always say Harvey. He would never say Two-Face, or he would say Selena. You wouldn't say Catwoman. Yeah. He would say Jeremy.

That's actually the Joker's real name is... Yeah. Joe Kerr. Yeah. Kevin, don't do this. This is a scarecrow. Kevin. Jonathan Crane, yeah.

Yeah. Niles Crane. Who's Niles Crane? Frazier's brother? I never seen Frasier. You never watched Frasier? No. Damn.

You'd love it. It's about tossed salads and scrambled eggs. Oh, okay. I'd consider it. And radio therapy, a now dead thing, which actually would probably be like, if they rebooted Fraser, they should have had him,

like, host like a fucking, like, Twitch channel. Yeah. He was, like, giving therapy. And he was like, hello, chat. I'm listening. That's what they should have done. Well, that is the funny thing

is I get nervous by putting bad podcast episodes out. And then you see these streamers. You're like, this guy's been on here for 12 hours. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of it is like, you know,

it's, they're playing, like, either like a very niche game with a strongly, autistic fan base or it's a woman with big yummy boobers. Yeah, yeah.

I'll say this, I don't think any of Clavs' Babes are that hot. They're not. But maybe that's a sign I'm not a creep because they're all like 20 years. Yeah. You don't like any of them? One of them's hot. There's like a kind of in-cell chick that's kind of hot. Oh, yeah. I don't think likes the Jews.

He has specific girls. I just thought he was just like rotating. He does. But then like you'll see it. Like when they all went out with all those guys, I was like, look, they're cute, but they're not like, they're not like smash my face with a hammer cute. Yeah. I saw someone talking about Clav.

They were just comparing his picture from like three years ago to now they're like, he's just skinnier. Yeah, it's not dramatic. That's all it takes, dude.

He just stopped eating. That was it. Now there's like a theory that either him or the frame monger is Peter Thiel's son. Really? Framemager kind of looks like Peter Thiel. I see that.

Dude, his frame is nuts. You gotta be careful with that Peter Thiel guy. What's his satanic thing? What's he's a satanic? He's a mass. He's an expert on the Antichrist. He's super interested.

But Alex Carp rules. Like Scarb is doing cocaine Like I just want to kill everybody That's shorting my stock Who's Alex Carp? He's the other CEO He's the Jewish guy that looks like I guess he kind of looks like Einstein

With his hair A little bit yeah It's a weird He's actually kind of bad People are just like outwardly being like How they are behind closed walls Yeah exactly People are like kind of embracing their true self

And it's just I guess it's like a little disappointing Because like you expect like you know Wealth to bring like some level of like Enlightenment maybe more empathy you know Jay Z is just committing I think Jay Z is guilty of something

100% Yeah Listen to any 50 cent interview ever He's just like yeah man Jay is a rapist Yeah no I mean like he went to Epstein's Island Like there were some weird shit that happened When Beyonce was like very young

That it was a big ass age gap That Shannon Tatea movie Do you guys know which one I'm talking about That came out? Magic Mike No no no She's the man It was the one

It was like an Epstein Island kind of movie It was with the, it was something I shut, but that was, it was allegedly, like, kind of about Beyonce and how she got famous.

Like, I guess the idea behind it was Beyonce got raped and then she killed everybody and then she was the one raping people. Oh, what is this called?

The truth? Oh, the real ass story. What happened the rest of Destiny's child? They were killed. I always thought Kelly Roland had a nice little fucking body, too.

I don't know. Blink twice. You guys ever see that one? No. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like, allegedly about Beyonce. Yikes.

Huh. Now all Beyonce's and Lucy lose. Get sex trafficked. Yeah. If you could sex traffic one celebrity, who would it be? Oh. Let's see. Probably Arnold Schwarzenegger, because I'd feel a level of power.

Yeah. You'll be back after I fuck you in the ass. Oh, you're saying sex traffic goodbye? No, no. That's what you would say to him. I want an Arnold Schwarzenegger slave that I could just get that. Oh, an Arnold Schwarzenegger slave is a good call. You're doing it again.

What? he's, you're saying his name with the N-word in it. No, I didn't. That's like, you did that one episode. He just kept doing it. No, that's how you say his name.

Say it one more time. Shortsnager. Okay. Close enough. You're just sneak one in again. I'm not, dude. Why do you think I'm going to do that? You're a saucy dog.

Oh, you're right? You're just trying to set me up to get me in trouble. Yeah. And like, fucking like, post this clip on like LinkedIn or something and be like, uh, uh, does anyone know where this guy works?

Yeah. They speak him famous. Fucking internet people getting us in trouble for saying a funny thing. What's up with that, dude? There was one. There is an attack on free speech, but it's only when I do something that I got in trouble with. That's always how it works.

Yeah. We should just be able to do whatever, you know. I agree people. Like, it's not cancer. It's consequence culture. I'm like, I don't want consequences for any. Yeah.

Yeah. Who wants consequences? Oh, consequences. All right. It's like, no. It's a reward. Yeah. All right.

Would you free freedom, freedom for rewards. Exactly. You say whatever you want, you're rewarded for it. How about that? I like that idea. Yeah,

where you're rewarded for speech. If you say some boring shit, then you get canceled. You can only, you can only be rewarded for speech. Yeah. So here's the thing. Like,

it's like if they want to punish you, all they can do is not reward you for speech. That's all we can do. Yeah. Damn, that's actually, I think I got this shit figured out. Yeah.

I really do. So, so speech is a reward only platform. form. You can be rewarded for it, but in turn, like, you can't get, like, fired or, like, consequences, but you can not be rewarded. What if we, I like this idea, we start one of those conservative rap groups, like the new guys coming out. You see those games? No, there's a conservative rap group. They're like, we back the blue. Oh, really? Okay. Lives Matter. You got, uh, you got, you got, what's his name? Tom McDonald's is my favorite. Tom McDonald had a farm.

EI, EI, keep those illegals off that farm. Hell yeah, dude. Does Kid Rock do any of that? And, uh, Yeah, I think a little bit. I think he like... He's like the grandfather of it all. Yeah. Did you guys watch the TP USA halftime? People at that my fucking Super Bowl watch party were furious, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

I was like, hey man, can I get your Wi-Fi? I just want to check my email. He was like, yeah, sure. And like the minute I could, I fucking connected to the Wi-Fi and then I cast it on the fucking TV in the middle of Bad Bunny. Fucking it all up, dude. Even Nick Fuentes was like the TP USA halftime show was gay.

Yeah, it really was, dude. Byrador mate was joking, he's like, you should go to a Super Bowl party, and then just open your laptop up, put headphones on, just eating chips and watching just right when it comes on. It was like all AI, I think, too. There was no real person in that crowd. I don't think so. I really don't think there was any, because it was like,

the way people were cheering and stuff, it's like, no. It's also funny to have all these, like, people that are, like, really uptight, like conservatives, and then Kid Rock comes on. I'm like, you just like him because you like, you know. I like Kid Rock. I like, I like Kid Rock's all I know is the one that he covers. you know what I'm talking about? All summer long?

Yeah, it's not even his song. Yeah, it's not even where it was like, damn, you took a song about werewolves that made a gay, you know? It says like, yeah, I figured a girl in the summer. It's like, I'd rather hear about wolves fucking people up in the streets of London. How'd you make this like, wherewolves London? Hell yeah, dude. Yeah.

You also had that bontadabanta bantabank. Yeah, that's okay, that one's good. Yeah. And like, you know, and as as shitty as like the turning point, USA, you got to remember his like Woodstock 99 appearance. It's probably pretty good. Fucking so bad because like they're just like the band is just like fucking like playing the opening

rift and like there's like this fucking drum and this chick drummer. She's just fucking killing the skins and the energy and then Kid Rock comes out on stage with a cane. He's got a cigar in his mouth. He's wearing a giant fur coat. And he's like, my name is King!

He's like fucking screaming. Kid Rock! Yo! It's like so good. Captures like that late 90s fucking white person rage where it was like, God damn it, there's gay people in the world and we're living with like other races.

I'm fucking pot to pot to bang. Kidrog was actually a response to the Ronnie King riots. It was like, what if they, what if instead of coming after careers, they come after actual people like me and my white friends? That's all that was, dude. That's tight, dude.

Yeah. That rock. So it's also like a bummer to see. how like lame shit has. You know, it's like you don't get cooler with age. No.

Who has? There's got to be somebody that has. A few people. Willie Nelson got cool with age. Yeah. Like, it's like Mel Brooks. Dolly pardon.

Dolly pardon. Yeah, you just got to like get, you got to keep with the times. I'm on a real old lady like. Helen Marin. Oh my God. Dude,

I don't know if she's actually Trent Rizner's mom. Sally DeAngelo. Who's she? Uh, a fucking like adult born star. that's better than a child porn star old. Yeah, if you look it up, it's actually a child A child porn star. It's like not even just like child porn but like

Oh, this one's filmed a lot of shit. Why is she on Trevor Wallace's podcast talking? Just like, like, a fucking little kid is like, when I do scenes, you're like, he's like, that's crazy. And you got Michael Blustin or whatever that guy. Well, yeah, isn't that cool? Like, isn't that weird like when like weird comedians interact with porn stars? And not cool comedians like us.

they're afraid they're afraid of falling in love they were like would you kiss me like a like a real man kisses and then I kiss her and she's like none of my co-stars have ever kissed me like that before yeah it's like that's because none of the co-stars love you the way I love you that'd be so funny to say the middle of a porn so you're just fucking old but just hard you go

I love you I love you that's like they're like you're fired you broke the one rule don't fall in love yeah there's ass fucking you could choke how could you not fall in love on a porn set That's like the million dollar question. How much in a porn shoot do you think they're cutting? They're like,

I love behind the scenes. Like reshoot. Yeah. I love seeing like she got jizz on her face. She's like, I had so much fun. You're like, oh,

they had a good day. Yeah, they're always like goofing around talking about stuff. One of my favorite ones I watched this the other day. It's weird and I'm, this might be a problem. But Mia Khalifa like fucks a fan

and it's a super nerdy guy with glasses. And I think it's so hot because he's just like, he like comes immediately. She's like, okay, nice try. She's like, show me how you'd fuck the sex tone.

and I'm like, oh, man. It's weird. I like the guys. How'd she pick him? It was just a guy who wrote her like a letter. Yeah. And the beginning of the video. Dear Mia Khalifa.

How are you? I'm good. My name is Joe. I'm writing to see if you would like to have sex with me. I have a dog. His name is Philip. Do you have any hobbies? I like collecting tape.

Please write back. Love Joe. P.S. you queefed out all of that come out of your asshole I came like a madman that's cool Mia Khalifa she was a little cutie she retired from porn does she allegedly she's like I only did like five videos

not true that's like a thing 9,000 of them yeah there's no way because like no it's like she's like the two Poc of the adult film industry where it's like we've discovered another new Mia Khalifa lost video that we thought was fucking purged from a hard drive but it's but we've

remastered it now I'm thinking about you know I haven't heard about in a while Bonnie blew. She blew her brains out. But she loves it. I don't think she would kill herself. She loves it. Didn't she get in trouble for doing it? She got arrested a couple times.

Yeah. She's like a no-fly-less. Yeah, just being a fucking slut. It's like, I'm sorry. You're too much of a slut to fucking live. I watched her interview with Andrew Tate. Yeah. Yeah.

She was, like half of her porn is getting fucked in the ass while she's reading her fucking court documents. Wait, there was one more thing on the Mia Cleave thing I forgot about. I'm fucking, it's going to kill me. I should have thought about it before just interrupting. Do you guys watch real porn stars? I just watch amateur porn at this point where I'm just like, give me a camera. I go on Reddit and I look up celebrities and bikinis.

Oh, shit. And I fucking beat my meat to that. Only after I put my son down for the night. I have the baby monitor on it. It's like, I'm going to turn this down to a three. Don't worry Joe Jr. dad. he's just, dad is just having a little asthma attack right now. I bet you,

I bet you with that guy came in with the glasses to fuck me. I bet you they were so scared of him because he's been like writing earlier. I bet you they had a guy with a tranquilizer gun. Oh, yeah. It's like, Stan and that Eminem. Dear Mia, I'm writing,

you ain't right back. Yeah. They had a fucking net above him that they were just going to drop at any moment, just like a fucking. They have like some guys like off, off camera with tranquilizer guns like zeroed in on them. Yeah. There's a red sniper dot on him the whole time he's having sex.

Take him out. This guy gets too antsy. Was this guy like retarded, do you think? I don't think so. I think he was just shy. How old was he? I think it's probably, I should have looked into that, but I assume he was like, I think it was like probably 20 something.

Damn. Do you think she would have sex with me if I wrote her? Maybe. It's like, this would really help my pod. Yeah. And it's like, she just comes over. And then like, I can't get an erection. And I'm like, this has never happened before, but it actually happens all this time.

You've seen that where they kicked the guy out of the bag bus. those are so funny. The guy, his dick can't get hard. They're like, get out of here. They throw him like his pants off.

And he's just like, well, so. That's like, that's just like a fucking fantasy for the guy fucking watching me on the screen being like,

yeah, my dick would never fucking get off. I would have a fucking hard dick. That's Angela White. How dare you? Nice, dude. She's a little cutie. Yeah,

she's, she's British. Yeah. She's British. Will you marry me for a green card? Yeah, put you all in. There we're going to London.

didn't we is? You don't like that. I'm going to take your knickers off and I'm going to lick your bum. Blimey. She's just Mary Poppins. Yeah. A spoonful of sugar

hopes this jizz go down. Put a little sugar on my penis. Sucks me off. Damn, dude. That'd be cool. That would be cool. That would be cool to have sex with a woman with quasi-magical powers

like Mary Poppins. Did they ever explain like how she got those powers? No, I don't, I never watched it. I'm assuming some kind of deal with the devil. Yeah. Also, this is something else trying to figure out. Why, I was confused as to why God lets the devil be

the devil. There was two answers. One of them was so it'll amplify his good. I don't know about that. That's like, the ugly chick. It can be no good. Yeah, that's like inviting the hot chick who invites the ugly girls with her to look better. I'm like, I don't think God does that, but then it was like, he's there to challenge

you. I'm like, yeah. It's temptation. Yeah, it's the temptation. It's like it's to prove his his, his power to himself. And that he was right for giving us free will because that way we make the conscious choice to reject Satan.

Yes, he wants to prove that people are evil. Did you have you guys seen? Isn't it fucking funny? We're giving like this like fucking religious legitimate like of all the fucking goofing around like we're explaining that like why free will exist and that Satan is there just to challenge that. Did you guys watch the ban in Epstein interview though?

Yes. The last question where he's like, do you think you're the devil? Oh my gosh, what a question. Yeah. He was like, why would you think I'm the devil? Jesus, that, I mean, I got a pretty good mirror, so, you know. That was a great, well, he, when I watched that, I was just like, he is just Al Pacino from Devil's Advocate.

That's it. Yeah. He's just, he's not a defense attorney in it, but that Al Pacino speech at the end of that movie, sick. That's a fucking crazy ass. And that was like, fucking Keanu Reeves doing a shit. I'm a lawyer. I win. I'm a lawyer.

He had, like, this weird, like, kind of Southern accent that goes in and out. Well, I'm a lawyer. Oh. he's such a bad guy. He's a nice guy so everyone gives him a pass but it's like yeah he's good in the Matrix

because like the Matrix is like this cluster you're supposed to be fucking confused and retarded throughout the major just like what the fuck yeah like so he worked well in that but he doesn't get me and I love it like look at him he's like helping an old lady or his wife's soul I'm like I don't care I've only seen him being sad eating a sandwich by himself

and people are look he's so he's so confident and he can go up and yeah he's Keanu Reeves I don't care that he's eating a sandwich And they're always like saying, like, he's saying all of these quotes that I've never heard him say in any fucking interview. I've never heard him talk. Yeah. But he's like, know your own piece. It's worth a thousand paychecks or some stupid shit.

It's like, he would never have said that. I like that John Bernthal guy more. Is that his name? John Bernthal says he doesn't nap. Yes. He's so funny. He always has that day. World's turning.

I'm napping. Let me get a hat. I'm going to do John Berthall. Keep it going. Yeah. Oh, we're talking. No, that's a funny ass. It's like that old school fucking dad mentality.

He's so intense on his pop. Yeah. podcast. Like, needless. Oh, yeah. Every guy that thinks are tough just way down here he came to the face. He's just like, dude, he's like,

one time I saw I beat up five fucking guys and I realized I need to get control of my anger after beating the shit out of 19 men. I was so strong and big. I'm basically a registered lethal weapon. Yeah. He's talking about like the worst time in his life,

but he's just like, I had to repent this. And it's just the coolest thing you've ever heard. He's like, oh, this guy's just a beast. Yeah. Now we have fucking, yeah, now people are doing like the religious pivot. Oh, yeah. Like, religion's in. That Joe Rogan, like, claims to go to church is laughable and fucking retort.

What is his thing, though? Does he say he's religious or is he just doing it? He went from full atheist to being like, why not believe in God? He's like agnostic on the side of believing in God. Whereas like, I don't. It's like, he had like one retarance podcast. It's like, there's proof Jesus Christ is real. Yeah.

He's like, here's a piece of wood. That's the wood that Jesus was nailed to him. He's like, whoa, are you fucking kidding me? he's like can I keep that on my desk right next to this fucking like he used to sell fucking pocket Pussies yeah he used to sell fucking fleshlights like those are like the golden and he would just like talk about like I love fucking stick of my cock in this fucking fleshlight

use this fleshlight that's all it is this podcast is funded by fleshlights and now he's like weighing in with like the head of the CIA dude we were talking about this I don't trust any of those CIA guys why would you why you're like he's from the CIA and he's like there's no Epstein files. Trust me. And now they've leaked the Epstein files. It's like, so what the fuck was that? Cash Patel.

Cash Patel is a fucking, I think it's because he's like crazy. He's like, what a co-ed. Like what a clear co-cad. Everyone says his wife is a massage agent. Yeah. And now she's like suing people for saying she's a massade agent, which is like all right, well now we definitely

think you're a massage agent now. Just let it slide. It's like, damn, it's like that's a crazy accusation. That's just wild. Oh, you're going to blow my cover? I'll sue you. Yeah. Well, that was the funny thing is, we would talk in so much Epstein files,

but the Pam- I mean, it's the hottest thing right now. Everyone's scared. We're all trying to figure shit out. Was I on the Epstein files? There probably was a guy with all of our names on there.

It's millions of pages. It's probably my security there. They were like, we got to stop this Joe Gorman guy. He might uncover this whole operation. We got to discredit him by making it seem like smoking weed in your 40s isn't cool.

It's all just like a fucking smear campaign. Yeah. What? Nobody's taking that defense. Be like, what do you talk about? I'm sure there's other guys named Bill Clinton. Like, you can just be like, yeah. How many Bill Clintons are there?

Bill keeps saying, release the whole thing, though. I'm like, Bill, why? I agree with Tim Dillon's like, he thinks that like they're just, they're doing a suicide bomb. They're just being like, fuck you. Yeah. Because Tim Dillan brought the point, he's like, Hillary Clinton, all she wanted to be president. And Donald Trump took that from her. So she's just like, I'm going down.

He scorched her. Pam Boddy is funny. She argues like my mom. Yeah. Like you'll say something and then she'll like argue something else. You know what I mean? I'm like mom. I just like I don't know.

I just think that like so I'm a bad mother is what you're saying. It's like yeah, you're a bad mom but that's not the point. The point is I need some fucking money to buy some crack. Yeah. Just a little bit of crack. Just a little nip. My favorite was some guy was like from Minnesota and then he just brought up a completely unrelated thing. He's like so, or Wisconsin.

He's like the town of Laka Puku. the roads have been blocked for weeks it's been a really bad snowstorm and so this is wow like before that somebody has like these pictures of like victims and all this stuff and he's just like is there a chance we get that figured out and it's just as why everybody's in the room

and is like what the fuck is this guy talking about no he's good for him dude he's got his priorities in order yeah well her defenses were so funny he was like so if there's fucking clear pedophiles their names are blacked out why are these people getting prosecuted she's like she literally goes here's a picture of an illegal immigrant

And you're like, this is crazy. She had like a stack of like roasts for each people. She's like And then you, you fucking did this or that, you anti-Semite. And the woman's like, my, my grandma died in the Holocaust. It was just so like, why you went anti-Semitic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If anything, you should be Semitic. If anything, you should feel extra bad. Yeah. Yeah, she's hot. I would fuck it. Panbonny is hot. Yeah, it's like Trump knows what he's doing. Chris Enoch. I'm sorry. I would fucking. Yeah. And I see, it's like, oh my God, just fucking kill my dog. Kill my dog and drain my balls, you fucking crazy neocon kid.

Can I see a picture, Chrissy Nome? Yeah, type in Chrissy Nome bikini. I'm telling you, dude, jerking off to slubs in their bikinis. That's the new thing. I'm getting like my fucking, like, now, like, when I see like a fucking, like, uncovered vagina, dude, I'm going to fucking lose it, dude. Yeah. Have they always been this hot, by the way? What?

I feel like when I was a kid, it was like Hillary Clinton. No, dude. Chicks are finally getting hot, dude. Jesus Christ. You like that, dude. That's incredible. I would bring my dog back to life just so she could fucking...

Yeah, dude. Wait, what was the dog thing? She killed a dog? She killed like multiple dogs. In her dogs? Or just random dogs? Just random dogs. Just walking around shooting dogs.

There was a clip of her standing with ice. I think it's something like she said like her dog was like a danger to her, like others and like she killed it. And they were like, you didn't have to do that. I just know she killed a dog at some point. She shot it three times in the hip. Yeah, dude. Shot him like a black man. I'll tell you that much.

Like a... think of a good riff on that. That's all right, dude. You'll get it next time. Thank you. It's hard. It's hard to, like, think and say funny things. Yeah, let me do this for five years. This shit's tough, dude. It's tough. Yeah, I just like, it's like all of them, dude, like Pelosi

fucking AOC. That lady, Christy, no. They're drinking the blood of children, that's why. They're all, everyone, let us keep doing it. Let them do it. It's all, it's all, it's all, like, oh, we, there's a bad guy out here, but don't worry, we're going to find that fucking bad guy. You just keep giving us some resources.

You let us keep doing this and we're going to keep taking away these rights for your safety and well-being. And the only hot dude you got going is Gavin Newsom. Who else you go? I heard that guy. Well, like, I have reason to believe.

And I'm saying this is like a former San Francisco resident. That guy's got some skeletons in his closet. What are they? Remember he banged his best friend's wife? Yeah, he banged his best friend's wife and shit, dude. Did he press conference for it? Yeah, it was like weird ass shit, dude. Like he was like, and like, he would like just like always like,

he was like a bit of a lush and we'd go around like grab waitresses and shit you know just like kind of being like a bit of a rake yeah but of course people are going like overlook that 6-4 and be like and be like oh well it's like hey he may have made some mistakes but he's like the best option we have people are always

saying like people like don't hold anyone accountable because they're the best that we can get it's like well then maybe the system's fucking broken if we have to choose between the lesser of two evils we shouldn't have to choose at all who is the other option in California besides Newsom Leeuah again. He has a whole personality.

He's like, I started the mountain men. He has like a whole different persona. It's like we would kill people in the mountains if they miss the age. He's still out there. I've seen him like three times. Just walking on St. Mark. We had Kamala Harris. I have a picture of him on 70 seconds street. The train just opened. He was just standing there. We commit crimes

to get him. I want to get him, dude. He's there wherever we've got burned down a McDonald's he'll show up. Dude, he loves McDonald's. Let's his spot, dude. He would not let a McDonald's He's been a pretty bad job of cleaning him up. No, really bad job. There was a guy in there the other day. I was, like, really broke, so I went in to get, like, a free McDonald's sandwich.

Of course. And this, like, crazy homeless white guy yelled the N-word. And I was like, oh. Beautiful. Then he has a cane. And he goes, can you buy me a sandwich? And I just bought him with you. And I was like, dude, I just rewarded this guy for, but it was because I was so scared

of him. Yeah. I was going to be like, you shouldn't be saying that. Because I'm like, to you, that doesn't mean anything. To you, it's like, you think that there's fucking, I don't know, you think there's worms in your brain. So, like, the N-word doesn't even hold weight to it in your brain. your brain.

The N-Word doesn't have much weight anymore at all. No, it's like it's a compliment. It's a cool thing. Yeah. It's a funny word. Innocent, dude. Innocent.

It's an innocent little word. What's the problem, officer? I'm just saying a little word, having to laugh with my boys. That'd be the funniest. You just do a hate crime yelling the N-word. You're like, just goofing. Hey, we're just having a fun time. What's the problem, officer?

That, no matter what he, the way you just said that was so endearing that I feel like I could let you get with any crime. Of course. We go to Joe's apartment. There's a headless woman there. Yeah. It's like,

all right, we're going to let you off with a warning, you scam. All right, Joe, this is me. I'm officer. Officer good.

Joe, why is there a headless woman in your apartment? Oh, this? Don't worry about it. I feel safe. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, that, no problem. Don't worry about that. Really no problem. I got it handled. We got it.

Oh, no, I'll have that one. Yeah. Oh, or this one. Yeah. Oh, that.

Oh, that. that. Oh, yeah, don't worry about that. This little project I'm working on. Little weekend project there, chipping away at it. It's so,

it's fine. Yeah, dude, it's fine. Have you been arrested? Never. I'm never got arrested. Yeah? I have like that, like, I'm a friend of like a police officer.

Yeah. Do you have the card? Yeah. Can I see it? No. Because you don't have it. You lie. You say that.

when you get pulled over, like, you have it, you're like, it's not on me. It's like, like, just a picture of you

shaking hands with the police officer. How do you prove that? The fact, the fact that I even know about this card shows that I must have it. Yeah,

I'll take your word for it. Friend of, friend of the police. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I know. My uncle, maybe you've heard of him,

Derek Chauvin. Your uncle's a true patriot. According to my father, he was killed in the line of duty. What's he? By a fentanyol and dude. He's still getting blasted

in prison, I think, right. No, he's a hero. Is he out? They're filling up as they always fill up his like fucking lunch card.

Oh yeah. These people love him so much. Yeah, they love him. Yeah, they love him, dude. He stopped that maniac. Joseph Gron. You know who never got enough credit was that that little Asian guy

that also fucking put him in a show cold. Nobody even knows that guy's name. Yeah, the little Asian guy, like it's like Derek Chauvin. He came in at the end, put his little finishing touch on the project. But what about the Asian guy that went like five rounds with the champ.

You know? What happened to that guy? He busted that far east kung fu to break down his defenses. Derek Chauvin came in with the finishing move. Oh, look out, Michael. That's fine. It's just water. It's just water, dude.

Do you really think he was innocent, though? Well, I don't think he executed a man in public. Whoa, but like George Floyd wasn't wearing a mask. That's a great point. You got to remember how scary it was during COVID. I'm surprised that excuse was. I mean, I mean, not wearing a mask in public,

that's basically a death threat. That's a good point. Yeah, because if you hop, it's like, it's like knives coming out of. Yeah, it's like a million little knives. Yeah.

Made up of Chinese germs coming at you. They're just throwing stars. Yeah, it is, it's weird that we never really explored their, they knew each other. They worked to the same bar. Did they? They were best friends.

Yeah. We're best friends. Chauvin had a secretary named Derek and Derek had a secretary. You mean Floyd and Joe? Yeah. My favorite one is there's a conspiracy theory that Derek Chauvin's Ben Bailey from Cash Cab. And that George Floyd had the Epstein file list. You're like, this is so funny.

It's like, it's very funny to joke about that stuff because it's like, what else can you do? you know you get a time machine and stop it no I'm not gonna put a mask on on a machine on that I'm gonna what are you doing with your time machine eat some of that delicious bat soup in 2019 yeah worth it worth the COVID yeah I'm gonna check this out do you think you can start eating that shit again I think so I think it's been long enough that we can like start like it's like

it didn't come from a bat they definitely did not it 100% came from a lab in Wuhan China it gave that super bad rap yeah it's like and it's like what are the chances like a fucking bat, it's a bat disease. And they're like, even when people like, it's not from a bat, we were like, but you probably shouldn't eat bats. Yeah.

Like, we're also like afraid of like, it's like, no, no, it's not like Chinese people. Yeah, but that's like the same person that's telling you not to drink and take Adderall. You're like, well, you probably shouldn't do it. You're like, I know that. But like, I'm going to have fun. I don't think masks did anything, though.

I don't think, it makes a little bit of sense. If you're coughing, you don't think it like covers up some of the spit. And just keeping the fucking germs in you. Totally. But to other people, like if I was talking, I think we should have just like fucking wrote it out. Yeah.

I don't think, I think we just delayed what was going to happen. I think the people that would have died would have died. I kind of think that, but I do think the vaccine helped certain people. I don't think it helped anyone. I think it made things worse. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, that's, we're, uh, we're over time. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that because you're speaking to. I guess we was going to have to fucking bookend this conversation for part. Join us for part two where you get to the bottom of this COVID conspiracy. I just don't think enough people were talking about it, you know? Not enough people are talking about it. Yeah, that in the Epstein files.

They don't let a narrative form. Like, it's just, it's just the one thing where it's either like you don't wear a mask, you don't get a vaccine, you want people to die, or you're a little fucking government cuck. And I think, like, the reality is somewhere in between. Yeah. It's like, look, we can at least, like, you know, chill. What if you just shit yourself?

Like, you think you're going to fart, but then, like, it's like, all of a sudden, like, you don't hear anything, but like a brown liquid stain starts forming around your fucking seat pants. And it's like, Michael. did you shit yourself? You're like the president when Trump shit himself at that fucking you saw that speech he gave. No. Or every behind him just like. Yeah, everyone

reacted and he like immediately ended the meeting. He's like, all right, everyone out. And you can actually hear him fart. That's so far. You hear him fart. And then like he's like, all right, everyone. Thank you. And like a few people react. That's such a good response to shitting your pants. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Meeting. Everybody. . Everybody leave. Yeah. Thanks everyone. Thank you. And like, everyone leaves. He stays. He stays seated the entire

time. And I'm like, okay, this fucking like, what is it like 83 year old man just shit himself. He just walks holding the chair against his ass. He just does that thing where he kind of like just uses his feet to drag his whole chair out. So he doesn't have to get up. It's like the Schrodinger's shitting pants where it's like

my pants are both like clean and shit upon but if I move my asshole in any way I will definitely shit my pants. But if I don't I haven't but I do have to move like. It's like a blockade. It was holding the turd in. Yeah. It's like it's a very risky thing. It's like when you step on a mine

and if you leave your feet up like it goes off as like I just have to stay here forever I just have and as long as I do this I'm living but the minute I move I'm dead there's a giant shit coming out of my pants you know what honestly like the fact that the president shit himself is actually endearing

and I think I'm going to vote for him for a fourth time oh yeah because he's ran three times yeah he's ran three times and he might he's pretty convinced I think we're gonna I think we're gonna finally make the laws moved in the way where we can finally get a president for life

yeah um do you think i'm tired of fucking elections every four years honestly like let's do it let's just do it like he has like six years left in him anyway like let's just have fun that's a funny idea he's got to be all eviled out by now he's like all right let's try universal health care i'm tired i thought he was gonna chill i thought he just wanted to prove he could win again and they'd be like i i'm kidding guys yeah no instead he's like i guess i might as

well fucking make everyone a nazi and he's like damn dog like, fuck, why can't you just go back to eating McDonald's and chilling? Like, he was eating McDonald's and chilling. That's what I voted for. He hasn't met with Kanye in a while. Yeah, meet with Conn with this new Kanye. Now that Kanye's on his pills. Yeah. Now he's not anti-Semitic anymore. Let's have round two. Yeah. Maybe Kanye can talk a little sense into him. Maybe he has some good ideas. I don't know. Yeah. Let's give him a chance. Yeah. All right. Well, that's been over an hour. Joe, you've been a tree. Where can you find you online? You can always find me online at Joe. Joe W. Gorman. I also have a podcast with my employee, Alex Thomas Sully. So check out Super Sully Joe's on YouTube.

But just remember who is the boss there. Yeah, I'm the boss. You're the boss? I'm the boss. He works for me even though I edit and post everything. Yeah. You can find me, Alex Ives underscore standing on Instagram. That's all I got. Thank you.

That's all you need, baby.