Morning Good - Michaelito's Way - Episode 331

Episode Date: October 12, 2026

Mike Akunna and Zach Braviette join the show for today's episode. They discuss getting too high on a Greyhound, finding out your Airbnb is a brothel, and the best and worst Black guy rules.Thanks to Mike and Zach for coming back on the show. You can find them both on previous episodes and for even more hit the links down below. Zach on Instagram @zachunlimited and Mike is on Instagram as well @mikeakunna. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? What's this? Good. Good.

Oh, I love it. Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. It's fine to see you. I'm very excited. You know what? I really, I'm an extrovert, and I, like, and when I'm around my friends, that's when I'm like,

oh, here's the juice. It hurts my feelings and I'm like, hey, it's because stuff. I'm like, I'm that guy. I'm that guy. By the way here with Mike Okuna and Zach Brabiette. Can you hold the mic closer? Immediately, every time it is podcast, I lose one. I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's great, but hold the mic closer.

Make sure you have fun. He has that problem on our podcast. The microphone will be here and he'll be like this. Oh, I sit. Because I like to sit back. Yeah, I get it. He'll turn his head, so it's nothing better than out. You don't talk into the microphone.

Dude, Barry ribs one time. yelled into the recorder instead of the microphone. He's like, all you guys listening at home? I was on Danny's podcast. We're like, that's not, that's like yelling at a computer.

It's like nobody could, which is something that he would do. Now nobody can hear you. Yeah. I like seeing my, you know, I get excited to see my friends. And so I was like,

oh, fuck yeah. I'm with my friends now. This is great. We should pull a prank on Zach where we're just really mean to him one day. I do that to him already. Yeah. It hurts my feeling.

I mean to him like virtually every day. I'm trying to think the last time I feel. It's sad. were like hurt. I feel like there was something recently that like genuinely hurt my feelings. You seem like a psycho there where the most random thing will fucking get to you. You also seem like when your feelings here, like when you get sad,

you also get angry. Yeah, exactly. Oh yeah, yeah. I get more frustrated than I get sad. I think hurt my own feelings. That's kind of where it happens where it's like, I just like think I'm like,

am I a manipulative piece of shit? Like occasionally I'll be like, I think I might just be completely bullshit. But that's good. You should adopt that. He thinks he's so awesome I'm like, dude, no, you kind of suck. I got to remind about how he's like not a great guy.

He thinks he's fucking king shit. He sucks, dude. No way, I'm great. No, you're not. I've gone to a lot of things. You said, I know I'm great. He's a gay therapist. They just fuck him.

So he's just getting validation from some guy that's trying to laugh. Honestly, you're like the best guy. I know. So you need somebody like me to fucking bring you down to earth. That's a Jake Timmy. he is. He basically just tells me I'm a retarded and I'm like, I needed that this week.

Now, see, it doesn't hurt when you say it because I know that you're a piece of shit. So it's like, you calling me piece of shit is like, yeah, but it's coming from you so whatever. It is a source. Like, if JJ Learman's like, you, I'm like, oh, you just want to have gay sex with my butthole. But if someone who's like genuinely

a good person, like, Mallory Bryant, very nice, one of the sweetest people. If she was like, actually, you're kind of a piece of shit. I'd be like, fuck. Dude, if Father Walsh pulled that shit, the fucking Catholic priest from my... If he was just like, you're a radical fucking bitch. You're shocked.

That would sting, dude. It would be... My fucking mom on her deathbeds. Like, actually, Zach, you kind of always suck. You were mid. You were mid the whole time. I'm kind of disappointed, not gonna lie. Dude, I had that with my dad. Thanks for listening to Dad, he listens.

But basically, he's one of the guys jerking off my feet. Oh, yeah. I was starting to be sussed, Dad. Why are you listening to the podcast? Are you gay for your son? That's starting to throw accusations out there. But I'm like sweating as I said.

There goes rent money this month. Oh, no, dude, dude, trust me. He's not throwing any of that to me. But what was it fucking? No, I did a thing where like, I like didn't meet my sister at her door when she came. You told me about this. Yes.

And it was like, dude, it was rough. who was like, he was just like, well, who have I raised as a son? You didn't meet your sister at the door of your childhood home? No, of her apartment. She was like visiting and then coming to New York.

And then I was like, my phone died and I was at a bar kind of nearby and I was like, all right, my phone's dying. Can somebody just text her that this is where we're at? Because we didn't know when she was coming in. And he was like,

I want to meet her at the airport. But it's also, uh, my phone was dying. I was trying to keep everybody at the bar so she'd have like a welcome party when she comes. You know what I mean? Because I want to like introduce her to new people and stuff like that.

sure. There was lots of hot pussy at the bar. No, I'm kidding. No, I'm kidding. But I was like, yeah, I was trying to do all that. And then, I mean, also Chinatown is like really safe. It's like super like, dude, like, there's a guy that just walks a fucking turtle, like this old dude who just like walk in his turtle. And for me, I'm like, yeah, that's, I don't know, that's a no. But I wasn't like a conscious decision to like not do that.

Like, I wasn't like, oh, fuck my sister. Like, whatever, I'm not going to do this. I was just like, oh, it makes more sense for it as me at this bar. It's like two blocks away. but he was like severely disappointed me and I was like, ooh. That's some dad shit though. Yeah.

Yeah, but it was combined, I think, with like, when I come home, I like use his car, get fucked up, come home at like 10 a.m. And I'm like, no, I'll be fine for family day. He's like, no, your eyes are bloodshot. You're like fucking, there's a condom on your penis as you're walking the door completely naked. You think a part of your dad

is like, damn, my son's cool as fuck. No, no, my dad is never once congratulation. I congratulated me on getting pussy, and it kind of frustrates me. Because that would be weird. Well, I mean, like, for him, I think he thinks it's like a given. Like, that's how, I feel like how much of a, like, stud he was that he's just like, yeah, of course my son's going to get pussy. You're like, Dad, this is an accomplishment.

He tries it so hard for this. Yeah, it would be so funny. If he's like, Michael, I want to see 10 bitches. You think one's going to impress me? This is... I found out my dad did the same thing. It was like, oh, when I was your and I, like, I got way. more pussy than you.

But like, but he didn't say that. He just implied it because he's like super Christian. So he's like, not. He's like, he's like, he's going to be like proud of it. But he's like, just so you know. Just so you know. This ain't shit. Dang.

Dughey. It's like, all right. Touche. Damn. But yeah, like around what I'm around, like when I was younger and I was like talking to girls, it was always like, don't talk to these girls. Don't talk to these girls. Oh, really?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. My parents never once did that like you can't have a girlfriend thing. I mean, they could, but they'd like, be careful. They're very, like, do, my mom had a rule. She's like, you can't have sex until you're in college. What?

And then freshman year of high school, I bang this chick, who ended up in my mom's house, of course. And then, but then she ended up being crazy and she stalked me for a decade. That's a lot of effort. From 14 to 24, she stalked me. Whoa. The reason it stopped is because I moved to New York. She was stopping you.

And then I moved to New York. Yeah. Like, when I was in college, she found, like, when I was, I was in high school, she would find out where I was out with my friends and just show up. And in college, she found out where I worked and she got a job there. No one's ever loved me that much. I've never

been loved that much. Yeah, ever, dude. Oh, I'm so butt hurt. That's what happens when you throw it down. Yeah. I'm not... You don't even throw it down? You're throwing it down? I was throwing it down. It's a black bitch, too. No, no. I feel like you jizz fast. If the pussy's good, yeah, of course.

Yeah, dude. Oh, man. I love talking about pussy with the, I Isn't this just the best thing on the place? Like my heart is warm right now. This is like... What else? Yeah. Yeah, this is like how I feel.

What else are we doing all this for, dude? Yeah. I want to the gym today, dude. This is... You think I went to the gym for my hell for me? I went to the gym for pussy. Dash, dude. Dash is the funniest thing to call it.

Slit is a good one. Slit is a good. Misf. Muff. Muff. I love. Muff. I feel like Muff and plies a little book.

on there. Not necessarily. I think of like a middle of my clothes. The comments are literally like Michael parentheses hold the mic close or good. You're talking about slit?

Yeah, I don't know. There's actually Gash, muff, cooched. I think there's an Irish word that's like jappi or something like that. Japai, I've heard that. Yeah, which I'm like that is just.

But that's supposed to be, I think that's the tip of your penis. Like the hole in the end of your penis is your jappi. Jappi. It's a racist thing. But yeah. Oh, it's like a...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A little gookety-gook-actsh. Maybe it is the woman's sniz, but I'm pretty sure it's the hole at the end of your penis, your urethral hole. I got an average penis, but wide penis hole. Which doesn't help me at all. My penis hole is just wide.

I don't know. Interesting. Never been anything inside there? Nothing's ever came out. I have annoyingly large bowls. Yeah, I've heard that's a problem because it makes your dick look smaller. Yes, and they don't do anything. anything for you.

Yeah, yeah. They just get in the way. Have the opposite of both of you guys. All smaller. It's small holes, small knots. It's all fucking hammered. It's all hammered. I just got these balls getting in the way,

busting holes in my underwear, making my dick look pathetic. It's just a problem. Yeah, I don't have like an average dick, but then like, like, I would say maybe even small balls. I don't come a lot. Like, it's not like a, it's not like a big adventure that everybody...

When I was younger, dude, it was like I was fucking shooting gallons out. But now it's just kind of like a... I'm like a camel. Oh, yeah? You got to catch me at the right time. Oh, he's coming.

Yeah. I'm like, I don't know what's going on. I don't understand these guys. You actually might be one of these guys. I've heard you say it. Some guys are like, I don't come from head. I mean, yeah. If you're getting bad,

definitely not come from head before. No, no, but they're like, I can never. come from head, so I have to ride on. No, no, if I'm getting a fucking world-class blowy. Yeah, I'm like, yeah. I can never come from head unless it's a guy. You're not fucking fat chicks then.

Like, you're absolutely, you're losing out on life. And it's sad. It is sad. Oh, dude, I saw a tweet. This one's, I really wanted to try this podcast and not say anything too bad because I always come on here. I always come on here. This one right here.

Every time I'm on here. Every time I'm on here. I was into gun on the picture? Yeah. Every time I'm on here, I say slur. or something. And I was like, let me be good this time,

but now I'm going to ruin it. I saw this tweet, which I thought was funny, that if men could, like, claim rape from regretting having sex with someone, the same way women do, every fat girl in America

would be in jail. Yeah. That's so mean. That is, yeah. That is pretty funny. Yeah. But I will say, I am a non-man.

regretter. I've never regretted. I will say this. They say there's no free pussy. There's free penis right here. If you catch me past that on a bench, you're over 21, you can just suck my dick. I am a free use penis. No regret, but ones I'm not proud of, you know what I mean?

Ones where I'm like, I'm not telling anybody about that one. Yeah. Oh, don't get me wrong. There's that empty feeling inside where you go, is this who I am? And then you know. I was just talking about because she's busted. I mean, like, that fuck's bad.

No, no, no, no, no. No, I mean, like, if you fuck a really ugly or else does, you're like, is this? My bar. Is this? And then you go, and then 10 minutes later, but that's just post not clarity. Sure. You know what I mean? So then you're just like, eh, what am I doing?

And then you're like, yeah, okay, whatever. Like, 10 minutes later, I'm. No, but there's something that, like, haunt you, like, years later. Oh, there's something. Get that on my head. Get out of my head. Yeah, block out of my head. That never happened.

Really? Oh, yeah. I mean, I've had some fucking. wild ones. Have you taken down some fucking ogres? Some fucking river

monsters, bro? First of all, I am attracted to fat chicks. Like, I'm visually attracted to. We're talking busted too. Not just that. Yeah, I like a little,

but like busted too. It depends. Some people can like weirdly, like, on a scale of one to ten. One, sorry, I didn't want to interrupt you,

but on scale one to ten, what is the angliest woman that you've slept with? Probably like a 10 being the ugliest? 10 mean the hottest. The hottest. The hottest.

Oh, okay. Oh, dude, there was one. This was fucking gross. Oh, yeah. This is like probably like a three and a half probably. I was like. And the half is generous. The half is to make yourself feel better about it.

Yeah. No, I'm just trying to be nice to her, but she'll never hear this. You just said three. You think the half is what's going to sell it? Yeah. The half is like her having snacks.

Yeah, yeah. No, I said, And a half. Yeah. It was like, dude, I was like, I went over there one time and it was like a quick Tinder, like in and out kind of thing. I think I came inside the condom.

I think I called her mommy or something weird. Got out of there and then it was just like, and then there was just, it was like lots of cigarette breath, which I don't really mind, but like you, you got to balance that with like what's going on here. Yeah. And then I was like, this was, yep, this is where we are. And then one time I hooked up with this girl that

It was really cute, but she used to be a stripper. I might gag here for a second. She used to be a stripper, and then her, I think she was a prostitute too at some point. Sick. Very hot. And she had a really bad yeast infection, and then my buddy would bring it up, and then I would just start gagging. But she was, like, beautiful.

She's really hot, but I was just, it was just like that. Stinky cooch. Yeah, real stinky cooch. And I'm sure my ball smell incredible. So, you know, it's, yeah, yeah, that was pretty, that was just my buddy would mention it. And I'll be like, well, one of my, dude, one of my friends, he fucked this girl one time in a, um, we all went to the beach and like, I lost my virginity in one room. And my buddy banged this chicken. He's just like, at the beach? Like in the condo. And then, uh, and then, uh, yeah. And then I walk by, we, he's like, he's like, he's like, the girl's leaving. He's like grinning. And then the, it smells like somebody farted in a pussy. It's like the whole, dude, I walk over one balcony, start throwing up. I walk past again and then start puking off the front door back. People are just throwing up. People are just throwing up. everywhere after this. Yeah.

And he's just grinning. He's like, yeah, how do you like that? Or like, that is. What do you do? Yeah, I don't know, dude. Oh, that's gross. Did you get a handy at the beach? Yeah.

On the Jersey Shore, I got a handy behind a dumpster. I came on the back of a dumpster in the Jersey Shore at night. That's pretty nice. That's pretty nice. Yeah, it's pretty sick. I think my, I didn't mean to catch her. No, no, no. The first blow job I got was in the beach.

This is how crazy. The number was written in the sand. I was 14. I think she was like 15 or 16 or something like that. And then I called the number and this chick just comes down. She's like, hey, what's up? And then we're like, oh, and I have like a cast on because my wrestling coach broke my ankle. It's the whole thing.

And then she, we just text later. And the next thing you know, I'm like getting blown on the beach. And my buddy had already gotten a blow job. So he's like, sees what's going on. From the same girl? No, no. But like, he was like, dude, fucking, you know, he's the guy who's like eating pussy earlier, like getting blown first, doing drugs. So he was just like, not alive anymore.

But he's just like. Like, he's just like, Some stars shine too bright. It's true, it's true. But he's just, like, give me like a thumbs up And he's like so, like, I wish, I don't know, I wish as an adult, bros are more happy For their bros getting pussy.

But there is a weird. I think they are. That still happens. I think that still are. At least for, like, this guy, he's that guy. Yeah. He's so involved in you getting laid. That's good.

He's like, you'll call you. I remember when I told him I was something like a fucking nasty chick. He calls me. I thought he was calling me to make sure he was okay. Yeah. How was it, buddy? See, I'm a good friend. Yeah.

That's what you want. I'm excited. I'm always happy to see my friends. I'm checking in on you. I'm a good guy. You can suck my dick. Yeah, that's a good friendship there. Yeah, more of that.

I always loved when, like, when you see one of your boys pull, you're like, fuck, yeah. I hate that whole, too, my brother, when I was, like, going to college, like, never brag about get pussy because everybody in your fraternity will hate you. And I'm like, that's. Not, dude. Okay, there's a difference between bragging about getting pussy and sharing war stories. Yeah, because that's just fun. That's different. If you're, if you walk in and you're like, bro, check out this chick I fucked the other day.

It's like, all right, you're gay. But like this is where we're just sitting around and Mike's like, didn't you come in the back with dumpster once? Yeah. And this is the best part. I don't even give a fuck if they've turned this off right now. This is fun for me. I'm like, I don't care. I'm not going to talk about geopolitics.

I would so much rather just do hours talking about it. Was that what we're supposed to do here? No, no. no, not at all. Yeah, you brought up the wrong two people for that combo. No, no, no. We're fucking dumbasses, did. Yeah.

We're a good time. That is one thing I will say about all three of us. No one can take this away. We are fun as fuck to hang out with. Yeah. I think so. I think it's such a thing in comedy. It's so neglected.

Because especially in New York, it's so just like, how hard are you working? I'm like, yeah, obviously you got to work hard. You know, I could get more pussy if I was richer. But I'm also like, I like my life a lot, you know? As becoming a, I'm like trying to evolve now because I'm getting old, trying to be less fun and more like a... Business.

A person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's like getting, it's getting sad. Yeah, that sounds... I'm trying to kind of start to be about that too. Like, all I did today was work. I was productive as fucking shit today. Yeah, but then you get fucked up after that.

It feels so good. Because you're like, I earned this. Where I'm at right now, though, is I know my like fun years are coming to an end. Like, the chapter is... I'm not at the end of the book. So now I'm trying to squeeze in everything I can before I got to fucking close this chapter. Oh, that's why I've heard like in Canada, like, it's like old people, like go to raves and shit like that. And then like apparently it's a thing where like the college kids aren't going out.

Like they'll go out like one night a week. We're like for us. Like I thought life ended after college. I thought you didn't drink after college. I had no idea how I got that perception on brain. I was like, all right. So my last semester of college is just fucking I got fucked up every day of the week basically. It was great.

And then I moved to New York. And then everybody's like, we're getting fucked up. I was like, oh, you can still do this as a 23-year-old. They're like, yeah, that's what life is. And you're like, this is great. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever... Fully stopped? Not even close, dude.

I think I'm going to be doing fucking mushrooms and I'm like 50. I don't know. I'm already slowing down. I might just ride the fucking to the wheels fall off. Yeah. I mean, I want to go to like an EDM rave and do Molly and, you know what I mean? I want to go to Kanye so fucking bad. Yeah.

Yeah, that would be sick. Yeah, there's still events like that. And it's so funny, I was such a child's brain. I'm like, yeah, how am I supposed to do that not on drugs? Like, I can't see a thing. You guys wanted that concert. I'm like, I'm not going. You guys are not doing drugs?

It ripped. I'm sure you guys had a great time. Okay. And, yeah, it was an amazing concert. So you did, you smoked. See, wait, weed and mushrooms? No, just little weed. I ate mushrooms at the end.

I'm at the age now where I don't like being high in front of people. Really? Yeah, I like to smoke by myself. I don't like it on a Greyhound. I found that out this weekend. Yeah. Terrible. You mean on a trapped into a metal container with crackheads?

You don't like being high? I was like, let me fucking just get high a shit from this gas station weed from Greensboro. It's like T-H-G-A. I'm like, this will probably be fine. I'm like, this might be K-2. We'll see. Yeah, and then dude, I get on the bus and then I'm like, well, that was a mistake.

There's somebody fented out like on the floor. Yeah. And they're like halfway through him like, hey, should we like make sure he's awake? And they're like, yeah, he's good. And there's two lesbians in the back that they just look like very dragonball's just like middle age like lesbians they have like the spiky hair when i was wearing an orange thing just like goku and then uh the guy next to me is this like chinese guy or japanese and it's so funny because he's watching an a i series of a fish talking to a man and it's not even like one video

dude i'm watching this guy i'm watching this guy's phone for like hours of him just watching this thing you're watching yeah yeah i'm like this is fucking crazy what the fuck this guy is like so invested in this fish story it's like who's you got to he's just like oh I'm like, that's crazy. Oh, it's like subtitles. Yeah, yeah. So you didn't even fucking know what was going on. No, it's just a guy talking.

The guy's like underwater and it's all AI and it's like this guy's apparently favorite show because he watched it for like three fucking hours. And I'm like, this is insane. It was so crazy. And that didn't even talk. There was something else. I feel like, oh yeah, if you're listening. I don't know. There was some girl who like, uh, I was like kind of trying to get pussy on the bus.

I wasn't sure if it was going to happen or not. On the Greyhound bus? Yeah. Michael good, you are a dog It was for the story I was like I like met this woman And then we were kind of talking about stuff

And then like She was like What kind of girls are you like And then I was just high So I should have just been like Giant fun sluts But I didn't say that And I was just like

I don't really have a type And then she's like Yeah I've never dated a white boy Because like I'm scared They're gonna like kill me And I'm like What was she? She was Puerto Rican

Yeah But anyways That's a non-story The real story though Is I show up to the Airbnb And it's like a shared bungalow style Airbnb. And you never know

like what neighborhood you're going to be in. What was the final destination? Well, I was in Greensboro. I was doing the idiot box. Shout out. Thank you guys for coming. None of you were listening. But yeah, so what fucking happened was like, I go to the Airbnb dude and it's fucking, it's these two women and a guy.

And the guy's like a little bit like, yeah, it was like not really giving me like a lot of friendliness, which is fair because I'm just like a random guy. I leave, I do my show and I come back. And the woman who's, like running or who's at the Airbnb thing is sweeping. And she's like, yeah, she's like a black lady. She's like, she's like, white people hair grosses me out.

So I'm like sweeping everything off the floor. And I think she like was on, she was tweaking for sure or something. Because she started, we started talking about like Kalanapin and she points like a cabinet. She's like, no, first of all I don't mean to offend you, but white people hair gross me. I'm like, I don't give a fuck. I'm like, I don't know. This is entertaining for me. You can like, you could show me a picture of like whites you killed that week.

And I would be like, all right, well, as long as I'm not on that list. Like none of that offends me But she's like talking about a cabinet She's like yeah I take Kalanapin Which I take sometimes too And she's like See if I was not Kalanipin I'd have no idea what the fuck that is

Because I am I can tell you that's a cabinet And I'm like oh that's a level of craziness That's just like insane Then I found out She was like a madam And the other one was a prostitute And that guy they found it on the side of the road And then one of them had like a crush on him

But I don't know if she was still a prostitute But she's like yeah she's kind of green To sell him pussy so like I kind of you know shore the ropes and stuff and I was like cool I was like I'm not a fucking I always try to be cool I'm like I'm not a fucking nerd dude here B and Bambi it's like a Airbnb it's like a Airbnb style setup oh so it was like a hole as a brothel you took a Greyhound bus to spend the night at a brothel in greensboro it wasn't a brothel it turned into a brothel I don't think it was a brothel I don't think

they can't hear you at all by the way your mic is so far away dude they just cannot hear you. You went to a brothel. You took the Greyhound bust and say in a brothel. I like leave, the guy's like, how was your stay? I was like, great, man. I got great sleep.

He was like, dude, you paid $100. That was to fuck the chicks there. That was so funny if the guy was like, what did you think this was? We're in the ghetto in Greensboro. But one of them, by the way, shout out, not going to say your name, but thank you for promoting my show.

One of them, both them are cool as fuck. Shout out for promoting my show. You're awesome. nice. But anyways. One of the prostitutes promoted your show? Sex worker, okay? Yeah, so yeah. That's sick, dude.

Oh, yeah. It was great. But it's just funny how I'm trying to sound cool. I'm like, oh, yeah, dude, I do fucking cat a man. I'm going to fuck bad. They're like, yeah, I've had sex women that used to be prostitutes, so I totally get it. Like, I'm, like, trying to be cool with the lady who's, like, tweaking. She's like, I have to suck some trucker's dick to

make rent and feed my child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I get it. You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. I fuck around, I have fun. She's like, every time I'm dead inside afterwards. When I'm the time of God, I die inside. I'm like, I'm crazy.

I gargles some obese trucker's sweaty balls. I'm like, to get my kid Walmart formula. And you're like, yeah, what's up? This juicy J guy, man, he's got some bangers. But then it gets even crazier because, like, so I guess the guy they just picked up on the side of the road. and I'm outside calling one of my friends who just became a father

and I'm like so about to be I'm so excited for him we're having this great conversation car pulls up this like a little older black woman in like a fuzzy bucket hat comes in and she's like I was like oh are you looking for so-and-so

and I was like yeah I just need to pee inside real quick and say how to my daughter I was like okay bo bo bo boop let her in yelling they're in a physical fight and I thought I thought I was just, I was like, I have to be hearing this.

There's no way. Like, because my mind, I'm like, maybe I'm just thinking this is happening. And she walks out and she leaves and I was like, hey, did you your mom get like a fight or something? She goes, nah, we always hit each other and shit. And I was like, what the fuck did I just like, I was like just chilling. I was watching, you know, end of watch, just sipping some buzz balls. And then I'm like, it's so crazy that I don't like seek this. I mean, sometimes I do like open myself out to adventure.

But then other times, I'm like, this shit just finds me. Uh, it's, it's like, have you seen Carlito's way? Uh-uh. It's like that. It's like, it's like, it just, the whores keep coming. Fighting prostitutes find you, dude. They just find me. But, uh, yeah, that was pretty crazy.

Can't believe you fumbled the bag with the Puerto Rican on the bus. I mean, I was just high, dude. I couldn't, like, so, but I used to take the mega bus back and forth from fucking Canada to here back in the day. You got to put the mic close to your mouth. Yeah. Yeah. I have nothing to say.

But, no, but, like, I feel like chicks on the bus, they're hos. They're like, a bus bitch? A bus bitch? Dude, yeah. It's not, it. Because every time I'm on the bus... Mega buss is the best place to hang out to get pussy.

Dude, you got it. You got it. Like, Luca Farrow's hanging out of the mega bus. It's like, a big getting pussy guys. Like, yeah, yeah, dude. No, like, yeah, they're all, like, they have, like, their bonnets. But you can tell their hose.

They're smiling. at you, they want you to talk to them. Yeah. It's like, oh, what kind of caliber bitch are you? Like, I look, I'm, I look like a bum. And you're trying to let you fuck on the Megabus, well, that's what I do.

I go on Megabus is in a suit with a briefcase, and I pretend like I just had a flight that got delayed, and I'm a rich businessman. And then I have sex with very poor women. And then you do POV videos or you hand them some money. Yeah, yeah. With meta-goggles. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I, that's what I do.

I'm surprised it's not a channel. I'm surprised the Nalk Boys haven't done. Like, this is us, fuck. a prostitute. They just go to the worst part of America. Dude, Stiney got AIDS. They're like,

oh, shit, dude. Somebody sent me an Instagram where a guy literally has like one of those like, like, is it like the headset? Yeah, the medigar goggles. And he just goes to fucking rubbing tugs.

Oh, yeah. Oh, and he like obnoxiously asks for a happy ending. Yeah. And then there's like one word of like, the chick's like happy to see him. He's like a regular?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, they're not going to identify me. They don't know the difference between Asians in this country. So, like, I'm not going to get arrested for this. Yeah, it's so funny. It's crazy. It is funny, too, that, I don't know. I think, like, obviously I could see, like, the sadness of, like, that person's life.

But also, I'm like, what am I going to spend my whole day being sad that somebody has a hard life? You know what I mean? Like, everybody likes to be, like, really, like. What am I going to do? Have empathy for these bitches? Crazy. Crazy. I mean, you're trying to party out here.

What good is that going to serve him being all, like, I feel bad. Like, have fun. Yeah, yeah. That's the thing, too. It's like, like, if fucking, I was talking about specifically the sex workers at the bungalow, it was called the bungalow. The bungalow sex workers. Yeah. I also think they may have been on the run because they lived in North Carolina.

They're like, we're just here for like a week. And then I'm like, oh, okay. They're being trafficked. Yeah. But, I mean, if somebody, stop on their traffic route. Yeah. Like, if somebody, I don't know, hurts something terrible about. about me. It was like, you fucking, that's hilarious.

Like, I'm like, I don't know if it gives you, you know what I mean? Like a little bit of like, yeah, perspective. I mean, I think homeless guys could just be MPCs to make us feel better about our lives. No, they're homeless guys. Really? They're really. So when I fucking yell at them and say, get out of them, you're saying when I step on top of them, they're feeling that?

Oh, yeah. I stepped on a homeless guy before. You stepped? Not on purpose. Like, wait, what? He was in a sleeping bag, but it was like a, it just looked like a pile of bag. And the sidewalk was crowded, so I stepped to the side, and I stepped on the bag, and then I actually stepped on a leg, and he popped up. And I was like, oh, shit, my bad man.

Yeah. You know what I figured out about actually, like, a bad person. I didn't know it was a thing that, like, homeless people in New York City get beat up by, like, youth, by the kids. Like, teenagers just go fuck up homeless. I didn't know that. Somebody told me that, and my first, I giggled. I'm like, that's not the right response to that. Yeah.

Well, I mean, it's a thing, too, where it's like those kids. Poor fucking guys. Also think about these New York teenagers like, man, we got nothing to do. It's Friday night. Let's go beat the fuck out of a homeless person. Yeah. That's so awful. Yeah, but it's important they stay in shape.

It's also better. It's also better that they're beating up that homeless guy instead of trying to rob me. Great distraction. Hey, don't hit me. Look at that homeless guy. Why don't you go get that homeless guy? He's been way more fun to fuck up. Poor guy.

Oh, I know y'all don't get me again. He's black, Zach? He could have been white. That was my homeless accent. Oh, it was a homeless accent? You know, they're not the most educated of folk, the homeless. You're making it worse. What?

He's a violent, very violent. Speaking a way that's on edgy. I'm saying anybody can be uneducated and homeless. They don't have to be black. White people can. I know, but it's just so funny in the way. You're just digging the hole. What else about them, Zach?

Tell me. You know, 13% of the pipebages. Yeah. I would just say this is a pro-fighting homeless people podcast. I want to take a strong stance. Kids, you need to stay active. Pro-Megabuzzhors. Pro-fighting homeless.

Get off your phones, kids. Do something fun. Live a little. Live a little. Yeah. That is, I mean, imagine you'd imagine being like a grown man and you're just like working in an office. like, shit, we beat the fuck out of a homeless guy one time.

I'm a piece of shit. You think those guys grew up to work in offices? Maybe. No. You don't think so? No. They grew up to be the homeless. They grew up to be the homeless guy.

Oh, you think those kids go to jail? Yes. Oh, it's not like a teenager and you're beating up homeless guys for fun. You're going to lead a life of crime. How funny would it be though? Oh, you think they're criminals. Yes. I thought they're just like normal kids.

No. Of course, they're fucking kids. They're up to no good. I remember even when I was a kid, there was like some kids. kids on like Daytona Beach like killed a homeless guy by like beating the shit out of them. And then I was like, yeah, obviously you don't beat up poor homeless. Like I knew that as a kid. Right.

But I think it would be. That's not like stealing booze from your parents like liquor cabinet and like running around and being a fucking dip shit. That's like malicious. Like let's go. Like, let's go. Like, do you think it's like a man who has nothing? Right. Right.

Fuck the shit out of it. Like, do you think it's like, uh, no would be fun? Like let's go beat that guy up or it's like, let's just, let's just beat up somebody. probably a little bit of them. They should do that with businessmen though. One time I saw a business guy get punched in the balls by a crazy homeless lady and just goes, why? I was like, that's awesome. You need that just like once a year for a guy who's just crushing it. Or a fat Mexican lady stabs you in Times Square. It happens. I also think it would be really funny if those teenagers beat up a homeless guy and then they became homeless guys that got beat up by teenagers. And they're just like. Like karma. Yeah. They're like, all right. All right. I know how this works. God damn, man. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Or they get AIDS from beating up the homeless guy because the blood gets in there.

He has AIDS too. It's weirdly hard to get AIDS. Why are you like trying to stick up for this homeless guy right now? I'm not. What are you trying to say? Saying the homeless have age too. Because they share any of the side of the side of it. Yeah, yeah.

And it'll like him. Zach, this is getting really inappropriate. Sorry, let's go back to prostitutes and Megabus horse. They are called sex workers. Oh, my bad. No, I still just like this. Bus hose.

The bus hose. Yeah. Bus bishops. I like it. I say that and I'm riding the bus because I have no fucking money. I used to do that all the time. Yeah. You said three and a half. And also, I am whore. Like, I literally sell feetpicks. There was something you were saying

before I asked you the ugliest chick that you slept with. You're like, there's something about where I can become attracted to people. Some shit, you were starting to say something like that. I was saying, I'm free penis. You can suck my dick from past that. What was that? You were saying, when he's like, oh, is this my life? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There is that brief pit of like, uh,

and then you go, yeah, whatever. What's the lowest you've gone on a scale? Ugly? Yeah. I feel like I've definitely hit a two. No. I feel like. What do you consider a two? Like, I feel like, I feel like this trick was beat as fuck. I have a theory on this, bro. It's all about geographics.

Like, the same people are like, oh, this is like an Arkansas thing. Like, dude, I've been in fucking doing a road gig, and there's like the old lady at the motel who's like missing teeth. And you're like, there's not a lot of pussy around here. You're like that guy. I might just have to settle and have sex with this woman.

Winning Greensboro. Yeah. I mean, there's not a lot of things going on here. Yeah, it is like, I don't think I ever hit a two. I mean, a two, I think a two is literally like you have. two teeth. Like I was really, she was just very big and just very like, just not attracted. Huh?

This is the buff chick you were talking about? Huh? This is the buff chick you're talking about? Oh, there's that too. I like buff chicks. No, the chick was real buff. Mike begged of trans. Like, like, she was not trans, but she might as well. She was on, she was a chick that was weightlifting and she was like on steroids, actively on steroids. And so, her clit was like a nub. No, no, but her butt, she had an, like, a man. But like it. Oh yeah. I would not be.

No, I cannot do that. That's fun. I've done that before. That's crazy. No, I felt like shit, dude. I would have killed myself. That shit sucks.

But she was out of two. You probably made that girl's night, though. I feel like she was scaring off all the other dudes. I was new to New York City and I just gave her what she did. We always say that, though, but these chicks bag fucking. No, there's no way. Dude, they catch a guy at his lowest all of the time. Oh, true.

Yeah, yeah. Everybody's like, oh, my gosh, I did a treat. They're like, now, that girl just fuck some, like, rich guy. He was just like, yeah, I'm not going to go on a date with you, but like, you know, yeah, I will have sex with you because what time is it? Four in the morning? Yeah, sure, yeah. That is true.

I do that happens a lot. I do believe that. I've been, uh, yeah, I've been picked up by, I mean, I had sex the woman, six foot nine. Shout out. What? Oh, that's pretty gangster. Six foot nine? Sick.

She's cool as shit. You've seen the WMBA. She should be. We're still friends I talked to the other day. Very nice, super cool. She kind of got what was up. She, like, picked me up, put me in her lap,

was, like, jerking me off. And I was like, I like this. But I think she's like part-time Dominatrix. But yeah, no, it was crazy. I was like... You're sure she didn't used to be a man. Six, nine? No, you trust me, because I've had sex

to the post-op and this was not. This was like a... This was a, like... This is... Yeah, this is day one. Day one. How did you feel about the pickup, though? I really scared me.

It bothered. me. I was into it, but I'm into weird stuff. I have to. I don't like being picked up. Yeah. Yeah, I liked that. Put me down. I'm like trying to be hot. I'm trying to be like that.

Yeah, you like that? Why your feet are dangling? Fucking sucked it. Well, this is crazy because she had like a chair in her apartment. It was like a big leather chair. So it was like she's like so tall on the chair. It felt like I was like an Alice in Wonderland or something. I was like, this is kind of cool.

Six nine's crazy. Six. Six-four is the tallest for me. Yeah, this chick was like six-two. Yeah, I also did it for like, like, I did it because she was cool and stuff like that. But also, because how often do you get to bang a six-nine chick? Yeah, like, it was not like I was like, she's a human being. She's cool as fuck.

But I was like, it kind of did completely, like, I never was insecure about my height until like a year ago. I saw my ex on a dating app like two years ago. And then she's like, I'm into like tall guys or whatever. And it just fucked with me for like a year. I've never been insecure in my life about it. And so, like, I didn't do it for that reason. but I did feel really good afterwards. I was like, buddy, your hike doesn't matter.

Like this, you know what I mean? It's like, but I have noticed, I think, like, I was not like, let me fuck the six, nine girls, so I can feel better by my height. But I was like afterwards, I was like, oh, I feel really good about myself. I think tall girls have the same problem as short guys. They want to fuck short. No, they have the same problem as short. Like, it's hard for tall girls, the dude.

Really? Yeah. Well, that tall, yeah. Same as short dudes. Dude, five. They have the same problem. Five, I would say 10 or five, or five, 11 and up, they don't give them fuck.

And then like 5, 1, it's like the girls are like 5, 6 seem to care. They're the ones that are like, I need a guy that's 6 foot. But you talk to a chick that's like 6'3, she's like, yeah, what's up? What's up? Yeah.

What that dude look like? Yeah. So the, the high, I'm never insecure about my height with chicks because every chick I'm no, she's going to leave me for a taller guy. Like, what are the odds that you're going to? I like, that went dark. Wait, why?

Wait, why is that sad? That's very sad. I'm 5 foot 4. I'm assuming you're gonna fuck up. Oh, when you said leave me for a taller guy, I thought that meant like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, like, if this is not going to work out,

the next person you're going to fuck is likely going to be taller than me. I thought you're saying it'll never work out. Yeah, it's inevitable. I'll never find love. No, no, no. Jesus Christ, dude. No, I didn't meet it that way.

Fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, I just assume I'm probably, the one that you probably don't fuck guys this short and I'm getting it. Right. Yeah. So I feel good. Yeah, it's a good feeling, dude. It's like I remember when I was a kid and like

if you hook up with like an older girl or like a taller, there's a cooler feeling in it. I'm totally older. I'm older the first time, yeah. Yeah. But now I never. When I was a freshman I dated a senior for a little bit and I thought I was the shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because that rules. Yeah.

It's sick. It's a cool. It's the coolest. I'm a pedophilia out there. She wanted to take me to prom and my mom said no because she was like any 18 year old girl that wants to go out with a 14 year old boy is fucked up in the head. Dude, your mom is such a cockpock. I know. Sounds like. At the time I was like, no, fuck you. I'm just that cool.

I'm just that guy that I can pull an 18 year old at 14. But then when I was a senior, I was like, yeah, I saw any of these girls in my grade dating a fucking freshman, I'd be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Right. Yeah, it is. It is wrong. So when I got there, I was like, I get it. But when I was 14, trying to get the 18-year-old, I was like, no, I'm just, man, what, you know? That girl definitely would have fucking, like, ruined my life.

Oh, for sure. Well, it's also thing, too, it's like, it's like, you want that kind of like, I don't want to be, like, taken advantage of. I want the roleplay to be like, she's the teacher, I'm the student. And instead of being like, oh, you have no idea what's going on. She's like, you're like the coolest guy in your grade. I'm like, yeah. Like, she's like, most kids don't, like, throw it down like this. And I'm like, that's what stuff.

That's what stuff. But I want to be the young. Like, I want to be the young. Like, I want to be, like, in that, I mean, I don't really care. Like, I'll fuck 21 and up. But, like, I also, like, in that thing with older women. Yeah, I've never done 21, but I'm 29. Okay, because the rule is half your age plus seven.

I don't believe in that. I see, and I won't go that yet, because that would be 22 for me, but even that, I'm like, eh, it's too young. Okay. Yeah, I just, my rule is, I mean, I've been, like, a 22-year-old this year. Yeah. 32. Yeah.

Who cares? Who cares? It's literally... I'm not dating the bitch. I fucking had sex. It's really just people's judgment. Like, because it's like...

It's fucking... No, you ever talk to a girl that young? You're like, oh, you're... Dumb as brains. You're an idiot. Yeah. I seem so much cooler. I feel for the worst reason.

I feel like a genius. There's so much easier to manipulate it. It's like, oh, you have your own place? Well, yeah. Oh, my God. Very little to fucking... What, I think for me, too, is like, everybody's fucking different.

like, I would not seek out like a 22 year old. But like, there are some 22-year-olds that are actually like super, like they're more mature and more put together. You know what I mean? She's just really mature for me. That's what you're- I know. I know.

I know I sound like that guy. I know. I know. Yeah, there's no excusing. That's just worth that. Yeah. But you know, I mean, dude, I took this one check. I think she was 21.

This is a couple years ago. And she was like from like, her family's from like Russia. And then like she used to be like a stripper. And then was a prostitute a little bit really hot. And then like, I was like, all right, this woman's been through like way more shit. Like, if you're like a mother and you're like 22, I'm like, all right, you probably like are more mature than me. I can even have a fucking goldfish. She would die.

So I'm like, yeah, that's a fair. But that's an exception. I'm not just going to be like 21. Woo. Yeah. Yeah, a girl from a war-torn country is probably a different story. They grow up faster. Yeah.

I also don't think. I'm not a real 32. I'm not a real 32. 25. Like I am. I've actually stunted my brain with Whippets over the last, you know, 20 years. So I think, in a way,

I am 18, so I can have sex with 18-year-olds. We'll see how that holds up in a quarter of a while, but yeah. It is. So in Nebraska, where I'm from, 19 as an adult. Wait, so the age of consent in Nebraska is 19? 19.

But I think in New York or New Jersey, it's like 16. 18 years. Yeah. Well, this is my thing too. I would never fuck anybody younger. Because like, you see him on McDougal Street and you're like, all right, that's gross. That does look like a child. Like, I would never fucking 18 year old. Yeah, there's girls that go into the bars with fake IDs and you're like,

you're clear, you shouldn't be here. Yeah. When they have like a baby's face almost. It's like, yeah, it's kind of disgusting. Yeah. Yeah, it's just a baby with tits. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A baby with I get what you mean. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, that's gross. But then like my whole theory on that is like, I don't really care.

Like, if one of my friends banged the 18 year old, I'd be like, that's gross. Like, that's not cool. But I'm not like, you're a, I don't think you're like a sexual predator. I think you're just like a little weird. And I'm like, it depends on how old there. Now, I'm taking note of it. I'm taking note of it.

And I am going to be like, I'm keeping an eye on you because you're a little weird. Yeah. If it's a guy like 30s, 40s, like, if the dude's like 43 and he banks an 18 year old, that's fucking weird. It's even weirder if it's with zero shame. If he's just like, you know, check this out. out. And you're like, yeah, that's a little weird man. Yeah. I mean, this is my favorite story about somebody.

I'll tell you who it is. Oh, yeah. Love the guy. But this guy one time just pulls up a video of a woman taking a shit. He goes, kind of hot, right? And I go, dude, a woman taking his shit.

It was so funny. I was like, first off, the The limb you went out on there I get that I'm the guy you show that stuff too By the way it was kind of hot He was right

But also I am like The fucking balls to just be like Look at this woman fucking pitching off a load Isn't that kind of hot right? I'm like you just don't give a fuck Yeah that's disgusting I would have packed them for For that

It was so funny He goes kind of hot And I was like in a way, but you're crazy for showing me that. That's so insane. Because it was like a time, now we're really close, but we weren't even that close to friends at the time. He's just like, how many people?

Did he just walking around McDougal Street just in the bars? Honestly. Am I crazy? That's like you should have felt honored, though. Yeah. He's not doing that. You know what I mean?

I mean, I will say the nasty, I do know the nastiest thing I've ever done. And that was apparently, I've heard different stories on this. I was blacked out at a bachelor party. And, uh, oh, no, wasn't bachelor party. It was like some party where there was like strippers. I think it was like some...

Stripper shit in your mouth. No, it was some birthday party with strippers and I think it was somebody's like 21st something. And the stripper had a glow stick. They did like ring toss with the glow sticks in their buttholes. And apparently like one of them took it out of their butt and then I would

because I was just like, I'm crazy. Yeah. Oh, God. You lick the stripper's butthole glow stick? Yeah, I was like, I'm crazy. I'm fucking crazy. I was like, ah. Then everybody's like, he needs to be put down.

This guy cannot exist in society. I was fucking fucked up, dude. I was there. Yeah, that's probably the grossest thing I've ever done in my life. Yeah, that's pretty fucking nasty, man. Yeah. But that just goes to show you, you know. Silver lining.

There's no point to that. There's no silver lining. I just looked at a glow stick that came out of a stripper's ass all one time. Yeah, there's no. That's so funny. And here's the light that I was in. I gleamed from this. I really thought I had anything there.

Oh, dude. You have to tie this. I had the confidence as if I was tying off of the boat. Just goes to show you. No, I'm a piece of shit. That's all that goes to show you. That's pretty bad. It's pretty bad.

But, uh, yeah, that's how it goes. Nasty's thing I've ever done was actually not even on purpose. I was a kid. And there was a Coca-Cola sitting on the counter. And I was, like, the middle of the night, I was thirsty. I grabbed it to take a sip. Somebody had spit their dip into it. Oh, I've done that before.

Yeah. Yeah. I was fucking... I threw up all over the kitchen in the middle of the night. As soon as, like, the... Oh, am I about to make you throw up? Oh, you're like that, eh? Yeah, I get really...

So I fucking... Which is so funny, because I literally just talked about licking a bottle glowstick. But we continue yours. Are you sure? Let's see. Let's see. I got this. Let's see.

Let me get out of the splash stuff. No, as soon as I felt the, like... As soon as I felt the, like, chunks hit my tongue, just... All over the fucking... All over the kitchen floor. What is what do you mean? Why, you guys like dip?

I... Dude, I was like 12, so I wasn't dipping. Well, like, that's... You guys love that shit. White people? Yeah. What is that? I mean, they do be dipping.

Dude, I haven't done it in a long time. The kill went back to dip because you got too indicted to zin. He'll zip. Yeah. Kiel. I used to dip on it because it's like a short acting stimulant. So it's like a long,

dude, I mean, it was the shit when you're on like a long car ride and then, oh, I loved it. Because you just like put it in your cycle. And then it's just really like, it's like,

what do you call it? It's basically dizzy and nauseous. I liked it because it's like it for like three seconds. Yeah. And then you get gross. You go, it never does anything for me. Like that I'll just start throwing it up.

Yeah. I mean, I mean, it's great for long car rides, because you don't want to drink like, That's nine mil. You're fucking into hard. Oh, no, these are, uh, these are actually sixes.

I'm trying to quit. So I put them into days. Uh, this is for Friday. Today is, uh, Wednesday. Yeah. So I didn't work. Yeah, I didn't work. I tried to schedule them out.

I've gone through all of it. Yeah. I literally was like, what if I just take one from the Thursday one? And that was happening on Tuesday. And I'm like, oh, fuck. Yeah, I now have gone through all of them. But, um, yeah, I don't know. Dip, yeah, it is gross.

It is really funny when you see, like, like, in the South, it is like, black dudes will dip. Like, it's a thing where it's like, yeah. Even in Canada, like, black guys that play hockey and, like, baseball, they dip. Yeah, yeah. But they're like, no, I don't consider them. Black guys? They're not the same.

I do. Because I want the, I want the updates. Just everything. Oh, you're just that. Yeah. I do want the, whatever the new rules are, because you're telling me, like, a month ago, the black guys have to have beards.

No, somebody told me that. Okay, okay. Because I don't ever have a beard. I keep a shadow. And they're like, well, you got to, you need a, you need a, a hard facial hair thing. You're black. I was like, well, hey, what? Like, fucking updated terms and conditions.

Who would be, well, I have a question. Who would be, if you were to choose a black guy who was making the black guy rules of the year? Who would it be? Like a guy that, you would trust. That mandates the rules? Yeah, you're like, all right, right, right. Like a famous person or like, a black guy, we all know. Like a famous person.

To say, hey, this is what we do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are the rules for the year. Fah, that's a good question, actually. We're having beards this year. I sound like Boosie. If Boosie was giving out, like, I'm like, all right. Yeah, yeah, I guess we're doing that.

Yeah, yeah, I feel like he has enough gumption to tell me to, yeah. Because we were talking, you guys remember, you mentioned this to me like a month ago, and I was like, it's so like, because every white guy is always just like, dude, if that was a black comic, I could say whatever I want on stage. And it's like, you guys do have a lot of rules. We have so many rules. Because if I let down

the black community, it doesn't like, it would suck, but I'm like also, it's not my family. It's not like, you guys can't say anything suss. You guys can't say anything kind of gay. That's why I was the microphone way over here. No, but I let it slide. I say such things every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like that's kind of

like the ground rule. Like, when we were on our podcast and I say pause every time, but I'll say it. And we talked about the makeup and Ryan O'Toole's like, the other black guys know you wear makeup? Oh, of course not. Yeah. Fuck, no.

Yeah. You wear makeup? Sometimes. Not right now. Why? Come on. It's 2026. Don't be gay.

Don't be fucking gay. You can't reverse this. You can't reverse this. Don't put this shit out though. Do you have it actually beep in out? No, I don't think fuck. Well, it is funny because. it is so funny because like

by the way I talked about it the other day I was like just because clavicular's dude all his shit yeah he's the best besides the rape stuff but wait what yeah he got involved with some stuff got involved with I say that like he like

showed up to a house he got he's like whoa oh he's like raping people he got accused of it I don't my thing with all that is like I just don't know enough to have any idea what's going on but I'm like probably that guy

now give us your take on Cornell 7. Oh, I'll get that to you today. So I was like, I wonder what I would look like with really handsome makeup. Do maybe I'll do an episode where I just try to make myself look hot as fuck. Like just, I'm like handsome Squidward? Yeah, I'm just curious what my full potential

would be in that. But it is really, this is the thing I don't understand. Okay, so like there's like the homophobia in the black community, which exists anywhere. But then I don't understand why I like Prince and like Michael Jackson are like that level of flamboyancy is very much accepted,

but then like... No, no, no, no, no, no. Greatness is accepted. Yeah, it's because the talent. Greatness is accepted. If they were, like, even like just an iota, the last great, we don't fuck with that.

This fucking gay shit right there. What's something is we have such different rules, because if I put out, like, a matching outfit for the day, every white guy would be like, that's gay as hell. But, like, black guys will match very well, and it's not considered gay. No, the fit is everything. Right, but then me, like, you know,

pulling my wiener out and swinging around like a helicopter. That's gay. Right, exactly. I think there's just different homophobia rules there. Well, no. One's just being fly. One's literally being gay. Okay. Wearing tights and all that, it seems very gay. I also think, Prince. Oh, no, he looks, he's a flamboyant.

Like, that's gay as far. Okay, okay. Yeah, that's without a doubt. He just so talented that we're going to overlook this gay. shit. Yeah, it's like, in like a redneck community, if like they had a kid that was like a, uh, worked for NASA but he was like really fucking gay.

They might be homophobic, but they're like, yeah, but we're just proud that he. Yeah. Yeah. I think a better example is if he was just like a ball or football player, but he was like flamboy and a shit. Like after he threw a touchdown he's like, like, oh, Del is like low-key sauce, but he's nice. He's nice with it. Yeah. So they're like,

whatever, let us slide. That makes more sense. You gotta be like, yeah, if you want to be yourself as a black guy, you got to, you have to be so good at something. Great. That, yeah. Otherwise, you've got to fit the rules.

I do think, though, that the focus, the heavy focus on what you're wearing is pretty gay. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a fan of these rules. I complain to boozy once a fucking week. If I could, I would. To be fair, I don't follow half the rules.

No, of course. Yeah, but like, yeah. Dude, boozy does like, the Bill Maher. He's like, new rule. Like, you know, Bill Maher does. What's the new rules? You follow the rules that you want to. You're very picky and choosy with it.

Well, yeah, yeah, I can't follow all of them. Like, if there's one you want to follow, you'd be like, well, I can't do that because I'm black. But then if there's one where it's like, well, I'm Canadian or I'm African. Like, you find a way out of that. I have so many outs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's all because just being a critical thinker.

Like, some rules make sense. You know what I mean? It's like the same thing as like, oh, so you outline your Bible. You go, yeah, there's nothing wrong. What's wrong with the Bible being like, eh, I don't really agree with that. You know what I mean? I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Now we're talking about religion. Yeah, but I'm saying, like, we're talking about following any sort of philosophy.

It's like, I don't think there's anything wrong with picking and choosing because you go, this makes sense. This doesn't make sense. So are you, it's all, uh, well, no, no, because religion is a cult. So you have to buy into the cult. You picking and choosing, you're not being part of the cult. Yeah, but also like. Black guys, like you're part, hey, this is a thing either in or you're out. Oh, that sounds like so much commitment.

Do you think the mentality of black guys is a cult is a cult? Is that what you're saying? I think it's all, it's all like you're either. Group thing? Group think, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, wait, what are you trying to do? This is what we do.

Yeah. That would be so exhausting. Yeah, just in a key and peel skit where they're like, we are not a monolith. Right, right. I haven't seen that one. It's the Black Republicans meeting. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I don't, I don't, to be fair, I don't, I don't really follow a lot of these rules. But I'm not, I'm not a good, I'm not like your fucking black guy of the month. What's your favorite and? and least favorite black guy rule. Favorite black guy rule, your least favorite one where you're like, not fucked up.

Favorite? I think my favorite one is the saying the pause. I think that's hilarious. That's funny. That's a fun thing to do. That's really fun. It is interesting too,

because I would assume it would be so, like, I fucking hate rules. Like, I hate it too. Yeah, yeah. But it is interesting that, like, like, you would assume that after like... Slavery? Yeah, you would be like, I fucking hate rules.

So it's like, I would just guess that. I don't know. But to be fair, these are, they're like almost unsaid rules. Yeah. Right. It's kind of like how you leave a space in between the urinals and the bathroom. Yeah, it's like unsaid. So like nobody was like, hey, this is the mandate rules.

Right. It just all happened to get with it. What's your least favorite one now where it's like, come on, guys, we're on this? I need the makeup one. Makeup one. Come on! Come on! It is, I will be honest.

I mean, I think it's incredibly gay. But I will also... It is, it is. I will also say, like, I'm starting to be like, dude, oh, man, if, like, nobody could find out and I could be, I could be even more handsome. See, I wouldn't wake up where people, you don't... If I, I'd have to tell you, I'm not noticeable.

I'm not doing it right now. You're sweating, and then just eyeliner is just coming down. Yeah, sometimes, yeah. That's how I found. This is one of my favorite podcast I've ever done. No, no, remember? I told you.

I told you. Because it was running. That's what you're saying. Oh, you mean I trying to. Yeah. I'm not saying I caught you. I'm saying that's what I found out. Mike was coming to meet me for lunch

and he's running. So he ran, which I appreciate. He still was 45 minutes late even with the running, but still. And when he got there, he's like, I got to go downstairs to the bathroom because his makeup was running. So he had to clean it up.

Give me some waters. I'll go. he literally walked in to the waiter he's like a couple waters and then what he did the snap i did not snap i'm not snap i did not snap that's crazy i've never snapped and then he went in my life he's like can we get a couple waters and then went down to the bathroom wait not snap are do you think there's more black guys wearing it's probably less notice of on black guys than it is on white guys i think i'm i'm sure i'm not alone in the in the straight you are not alone

Yeah. Yeah, because it's like one of those things that, like, you probably wouldn't, like, notice it. Like, you just wouldn't notice as much on a black guy than a white guy. I just put a very little. Ollie just used foundation and very little. And I say foundation. I say foundation to sound like a bro. Just like the littlest amount.

You know what? And I do, like, very seldomly, by the way. Like, I do like once in a month. Okay. You know what I'll also say this. A couple of me. He's actually got his makeups like this. Yeah.

He's just about. I mean, here's a question. I always as close to bitches, though, that I wear makeup. Fat guys are the beards. Before we're answering that and makeup. After, always after. Isn't a fat guy with beard just makeup? Beard is just man makeup.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that kind of makes a lot of sense, yeah. Because it is, oh, dude, one of these episodes, I'm going to just get fucking dolled up. But I can't make it obvious. I'll do that episode with you. Yeah.

And just don't even address it. That's not, no, we want to hear the saddest thing in the planet, dude, I had no good pictures of me because I don't really take pictures. Me neither. Whenever I'm with my friends, it's like, I'm like, I'm like, there's a beer on my shirt, and I'm like, and then women are like, well, you have any cute pictures with your friends you can put on fucking dating apps, and I'm like,

because it looked like a fucking retard every time. Yeah, because I'm fun. Yeah, yeah, exactly. There's ketamine running down my face. You think these Begabasosos cares? I'm in my pictures? No. And so, dude, this is the saddest thing I've ever done in my life. I popped open a beer as if I was at a party.

set a camera up and took a picture of me as if I was drinking a beer at a party. It was so embarrassed. It was so, dude. Dude, I got to show you the picture. It's me just like, and it's like just right over there, dude. It's so funny. Patty DeFito, his podcast, he has that framed behind it. It's so, it's so bad.

It's so bad. As gay as I do with the makeup, I have never taken a selfie. Not even in private. I think it's so gay You never sent a selfie to a chick? Okay, I have Yeah, yeah But that's different

I've never done it like You've never been like, yo I'm looking good right now Never, never That to me is like I'll take one to send later Where it's like lighting is good I'm looking good click And then I'll send it later

I do the fucking flexing the traps In the picture Oh really Oh yeah But I bet it's too like a woman I think I'm balding But we gotta wrap up I am

It looks good Whenever somebody else Does they're balding? I don't notice it I know, no, the back I'm not balding but I'm receding But also, I'm receding I'm going to turkey

Probably in Feb To get it done? Oh yeah Also I will say this Bald Black guys You guys can pull off bald Way better I don't work in Feb

I replaced you Wow You can come That's crazy What is this? Yo, fake his friend You can come Whatever

What happened? I initially, we're supposed to go to Turkey this month actually. He was supposed to come, but now he's a bitch-ass. He wants to go to fucking Asia. I don't want to go to fucking Asia. I'm racist. I wanted to go to Thailand to do Muay Thai every day,

which is pretty badass. Yeah, that's what you're doing in Thailand. Literally, that's the gayest shit ever. It's gayer than a fucking man boy or whatever. Whatever. I wanted to train and become a fucking badass. You say that and you see one fucking dress with a tucked-in pig.

penis. Dude, you're going to blow all your money. He's like, I'm going to even watch that. He's just in a ghee for a month, just getting sucked off by chicks with dicks. He's fat as shit. He's just so fucking fat. I gained a bunch away. Dude, he's just eating fucking noodles. Just like, yeah, man, I don't know

what I was thinking. Just bloodshot. I got to a point where I was like way too fat. I was like, I need to do something about this. I'm going to, and then instead of just like, you know, you're not even fat anymore. Thanks, buddy. Instead of just doing like the Draft, like the regular thing, let me just

start watching what I eat, maybe getting a little exercise. Like, no, let me go train intensely for a month and get rid of all this. So that's where my mind was at. Anyway, sorry. By the way, good for both of you guys. I think the last time I was here, you guys were both fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good for you.

I've gone up a little bit and then I'm like, I'm going to go down. I just got back from back home and I definitely put on pounds once back home. You look fine, though, both of you. Thank you, dude. Pause. Pause. Pause.

You see? And I can put it on foundation? No, dude, I remember, I think for prom went down my head, or something in school I had like a big, like, scorn my face, my mom. Like, like, I, actually, I kind of get it, dude. It's like, you can kind of just throw some shit on there. Move the blackheads, you know, slow. Who did you replace me with?

Buddy, don't worry about it. It's going to be your worst enemy, dude. It's even, it's like, it's 50-50 at this point, because I have to go to Africa and then Christmas. I don't know if I'm with that. Is that another rule? I'm sure. It's actually Kwanza.

He's going for Kwanza. Who does? I've never met somebody who celebrates Kwanza. I don't even know what is. Assad Bembo celebrates Kwanza. That rules. Assad Bembo celebrates Kwanza. Can I celebrate Kwanza?

That is not who I would expect. You told me that he celebrates it. That's so dumb. Like religiously or like? I think his family is on like that black Israeli shit. Oh, I mean, his name is a. side. That rules, dude.

What is, can you look up of Kwanza's real quick? I just want to make sure they leave something with learning something. Yeah, Google, Google,

do you Google what Kwanza is? What am I Google? My phone's recording right there. I, uh, I went on a date with this black trick one and she's like, yeah, no, I'm, uh, I'm Jewish.

It's like, fuck. I'm like, oh, do you mean by that? She's, I'm like, oh, do you guys like, uh, like, converged?

Like, what do you mean? No. Yeah. Kwanza's like, we just be Jewish. She was like, Oh, fuck. You're insane.

And she was. And she was fun. Yeah. That is, yeah. I, uh, I love to get a black Israel out on this podcast. Kwanza is a non-religious seven-day cultural holiday celebrated from December 26th to January 1st that honors African-Hertage community and African-American culture. Oh, okay. Well, when you say like that, it sounds, I sound like an asshole laughing.

Yeah. They celebrate the seven principles. Nguzo Saba. Okay, I'm back. Each day focuses on one core value named in Swahili. Umoja is the first day. I'm saying these so wrong. There's no way I'm not.

Kujigha-gulia. Look at that word. Kuji Jaguya. To define and speak for yourself. Ujma. You know what? I take it back for a lot. I take a back.

Nia, Kumba, I'mani. Oh, and then there's seven basic symbols. Wait, can I celebrate from the outside? Is that a thing I can do? Probably. I think it's... This is how it's celebrated. It seems like something I would support.

It's celebrated by lighting candles. A child lights a new candle on the canara each evening to discuss that day's principle. Communal activities include families sharing stories, poetry, music, and African drums. And then they have the Karuma feast. Can I be the white boy on the drums? kind of like that. On December 31st. You know what?

Let's celebrate Guanza this year. Yeah. I'm not mad at it. I like this. It actually sounds like a good thing. Yeah, it sounds like a great thing. Sounds like a great thing. Yeah.

I celebrate Christmas. I feel like that's bad. Christmas? He's like these, that's like as a black person, I should not be celebrating Christmas. I should be celebrating whatever the funs that is. What I've always found is really interesting is like Christianity was thrown on the black

community by like, we hug it. slaveholders and shit. like the worst people through Christianity on you guys and yes but Ethiopia is different black people have adopted it yeah yeah smart man there you go yes and no I think in America

in a lot of places yes it was pushed that way but the Ethiopian Bible is like one of the oldest renditions of the Holy Bible so that is they converted themselves yeah they were like they were never colonized yeah and they probably have the Ark of the Covenant that's that's a people I've been to where it is allegedly Lali Bella what is the uh do people just

Would you say it's here, or is it like... It's like... It's in the mountains. Yeah. And they have these, like, churches built out of rock. Yeah, that's cool. And all these, like, holy priests.

And they... I have, I have, like, an old Orthodox Ethiopian Bible. And then there's, like, a place there that they would not let me go. Dang. Why?

Do you think that's where the ark is? But why wouldn't they let you go? Because if you go there, you'll die. Yeah, it's supposed to, like, burn your fate. You ever seen, uh, Indiana Jones? Yeah. But is it like...

Okay, so there's an official place like this where it is. It's not like a... Allegedly, it's in Lally Bella, I think. Okay, so that's what they were... I don't know if they were fucking blowing smoke up my ass, but they really seemed like they believed what they were saying. Okay, so it's not like one of those things. Yeah, we got to get here.

And people are like, no, this is the real one over here. It's buried here. No, they're all like an agreement that, like, they have... They have something down. They didn't want me near there. Okay. That's sick, dude. Yeah.

But where's your family? Because your family's from Africa, right? No, we got colonized. That shit was shoved down my throat. Where? Pause. Okay. Yeah.

Should be the name of your episode. Yeah, pause. No, we, like, my specific place, we, we, uh, because like my original religion is, like, monotheistic as well. So, we just absorbed. We still celebrate. still do our religion. We just use the Christianity language to do it as what I'm gathering. Because

people, we still believe weird shit that is not in the Bible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we claim to be Christian. Like, my parents believe like reincarnation, which is not in the Bible. Well, it's the same way you can be a Christian and then be superstitious in some ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, there was one, I don't know if it was Nigeria, but there was one African

country where they actually think hell is cold. Like, they think it's cold. Because they're just not scared of the heat. Like, it's fucking a thousand degrees. Life, yeah. That makes sense, actually. Like, Nordic mythology, it's cold. Helline is, like, frozen over.

Yeah, that makes more sense. Yeah. And, like, I think astrology is that same thing. Yeah, it's like cold, yeah. We do, I do feel bad. We do gotta wrap up. This has been one of my favorite episodes. It's a lot of fun.

I had a great time. We could they find you online? Adzac Unlimited. Mike and I are also dropping our pod soon. The Fatty McDumbumbum show. I love that you guys landed on that name. That's great. And Mike, it was,

like we're really going with that today. I was like yeah. I'm not sold on it but you can always change it and then just change the name of the thing. But I think follow them on Instagram. They're both very fucking funny. Let me, I think on Instagram, our podcast, let me see the name of the handle real quick. We're not going to show feet though. So I feel bad. On Instagram we are FMDDD show.

So that's where we're going to call it? FMD show. That sounds like something would sell feed. It sounds like it's why don't you just call Faddy McDumbum? It's a lot to type it. FMDD show. It's harder for people to remember letters than it is worse. Yeah. No way.

J. R.E. No, no. I feel like you're wrong on this. No, no. Nobody's going to fully type in fatty McDumbdom. They're going to say fat on their way to McDumbum and then it'll pop up.

They're going to be a FMR. FMDD. Yeah. That's easy to remember. You're wrong about that one. And also, if you remember the name, fatty McDumbumbum. Oh, FMD.

Yeah, but what if they don't? And they know it's fatty something. Well, we'll make it easy to find He also has to have like a radio name for some reason. He's really fixated on that. Yeah. I also, by the way, just for listeners, this is foreshadowing. They're going to butt heads.

So this is a little. I already told him, I already, I already, I already foreshadow. You already told me that when we start being successful. It's good banter is what I'm trying to say. He already said that when we start being successful, he's going to have, and these were his exact words, a backstreet boys fallout. That's what he said. I was fucking gay. You guys are the biggest fucking.

That's what he's like, we're going to have a backstreet boy's fallout. Street Boys fallout. When we get big. I'm gay. So check out the faggy Mick, whatever. I'm kidding. Yeah, thank you. Wait, what was your Instagram?

I'm Mike Akuna. Oh, thank you, guys.