Morning Good - Michael's Least Favorite Episode - Episode 85

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

Thanks to Eli and Jake for coming back on the show for one of the worst episode's yet, still hilarious and still great having them on the show. Check them out for more info about the shows, sketches, and podcasts they're working on. You can find Eli on Instagram @eli_haba and Jake @jake_timothy.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. And now we are recording. Make me popular at the bar mitzvahs when I was a kid. Do you popular Jewish boy? No, you're a four. You can be popular. Were you popular?

No, you were born. Eli was fat. Eli, he was fat. I was fat until I was like 12. Really? But I got barmets for it at 13. You just give me elevator eyes?

You just looked me up and down when you said that. Maybe a little bit. Yeah, you did. People asked me how I lost the weight, because I did lose weight. That's like a fantasy you have? No,

no, I actually just jerk it off. Yeah, how did I fucking lose it? No, like people ask me about that. And I literally just eat garbage and run two miles every day.

But people hate hearing the after run. You can do, you can eat whatever you want. Yeah, yeah. That's, people want like a cheat code. They're like, oh,

you like eating more nuts or something? Yeah, I'm just burning more calories. Oh, 100% yeah. I don't do intermittent fasting. I literally, my meals are like I have a bacon egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast.

For lunch, I have like a buffalo chicken sandwich. For dinner, I have pasta and then some pizza. And then I have like ice cream when I go to bed. That doesn't, doesn't that make you feel bad? Yes.

I feel like shit all the time. I wonder why I'm depressed. Eating like shitty food. It's not like gaining weight. It's just like I feel physically. awful if I'm only eating shitty food all the time. That's probably what it is. I've been very depressed. I also had like half a loaf of

cornbread for breakfast this morning. That sounds good though. I like cornbread. It's pretty good. There's some over there if you want it. I'll abandon this whole podcast right now just to have some cornbread. I made it three days ago. It's getting like those little green spots on it. That's fucking disgusting. Is that good? That's like, you know, when you see like jalapeno cornbread, it's got the green spots on it? It's just been

sitting there for a week. He's shaking. I thought the jalapinos, isn't that what's green? You don't know. You're a I don't know. I've got to just agree. Do you run two miles every day? Every single day, yeah. Do you run already today?

Yeah, yeah. That's why I'm sweating. I didn't have time to change my clothes. You were me like a pretty fat person who's like, you're like, I work out every day. It's just. And you're like, there's just no way to do it. You're just trying to politely be like, I don't know.

It's something else because I run like three miles every day. You're like, three miles? Like nautical miles. Yeah, I didn't even care until. until you just started lying. Dude, it's so, yeah, yeah. There's always that person. Like, I'm like, you just don't do that.

There's no way you do it. I understand everybody's metabolism is different, but there's no way that I'm treating my body this horribly and running two miles and it's doing this much progress. And you're running three miles a day, eating healthy and it's not doing anything. Well, that's like, because they say that like there's,

like some people have like a glandular problem or whatever. It's like, however, like one in 100,000. It's like pretty rare where they just, can't be skinny. Their body's just going to be fat. So I think every fat person thinks that that is them. Yeah. I'm that guy. But no matter what I was having a conversation with my girlfriend where she's like, because she's like very body positive. She's like, no, Lizzo actually eats healthy. I'm like, really? She's like, yeah, she posted all over her. I'm like, I'm sure she's posting. And then we go to her Instagram and it's her eating a burrito sideways. Like it's a corn cop. And I'm like, okay,

this is not. Like, of course, I don't know every meal, but it's like if you're, I'm sure you're posting like the, it's also when you're a surferral. It's also when you're a and weight, it's very easy to lose more weight because, like, you just start doing a little... Because you have so much. Yeah, exactly. Like, I understand, like, if you're in a wheelchair, then it's very hard to exercise. But if you're walking around, especially like her, I feel like dancing, like, I'm sure she could just dance more.

I'm just looking down at Liz. I'm like, just dance more, bitch. I think it gets to a place, if you, like, gain a ton of weight at one point in your life, then it's easy for you to just fluctuate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, Jonah Hill always loses a ton of weight, and then he's, like, super fat again. Yeah, yeah. Once you, like, break the seal almost,

you'll just, it's so easy for you to gain and lose weight. Yeah. I don't know about loose, but it is easy to get fat. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, getting fat, it's easy. But I don't know. The weird part of it, like, I was to put on Adderall in high school. So I was, like, thinner than I am now because you just didn't eat anything.

And you're like, and you also don't sleep. I don't know if sleep affects it, but you didn't sleep at all. You don't eat anything. That's like amphetamine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They really were prescribed as diet pills for like 20 years. Is that how that began? Adderall?

Yeah, yeah, it was a diet pill. I did the same. I was given V Vance when I was in high school. I think I've told the story of your podcast. Essentially, I was just given too much

for too long. I'd take 80 milligrams a day. And I wouldn't need anything. And I would just play basketball like for like three hours every day. And I've never played basketball before since. But I would just practice all day. And I was like rail thin.

I was like, and looking back, I was like emaciated. I don't know why. I picture you like the YMCA, just like wrecking little kids. Just like, as fuck on Adderall.

Just like, well, Vivance is like one of the smart drugs, right? Because it's like... It's the same thing as Adderall. Yeah, no, I know, but it has like an enzyme

so you can't abuse it. You have to eat it. Unless you put it in the microwave. Yeah, yeah. Really? If you can microwave it, it like dissolves a layer and you like snort it.

I have some friends that like skip school with like one of our older friends. And he's like, yeah, you guys can snort at all. Come on. And what do you guys... Well, I remember like everyone was snorting out of my high school. You can't abuse it.

This is what, This is what happened with me was my, the doctor I saw prescribed it to me. She's like, here, take 40 milligrams, but they don't have 40 milligram pills right now. So you're going to have to take. Science hasn't got up yet. I'm going to prescribe you, I'm going to prescribe you 20 milligrams. You take two of them. I was like, okay.

And so I did that for a month. And then I just refilled the prescription. And they gave me 40 milligram pills, but they didn't tell me. So I was just taking 80 milligrams for a month. Dude, they won't tell me when they change them. Because I've had that happen. I'm still prescribed atarol. And they used to prescribe me 20 milligram pills and then 10 milligram pills sometimes.

Because normally I'm supposed to take 10 milligrams or half of the 20. But one week they'll give me one and one they'll give me another. And I'm like, you have to look at the bottle. You're talking to like a really fat guy. And he's like, I take like 120 milligrams a day. Yeah. Yeah. Really?

Really? Yeah. When you run three miles? The worst is I was prescribed what type of Adderall and colanipin and they're both the same color. Like they're both yellow pills. Very different drugs. Yes. So I went on a Bachelor party and...

But you can snort both of them. Yes, yes. But I went on a Bachelor party and everybody blacked out completely. And I looked at the thing and I guess I just basically roofied everybody at the party. So... Just gave everyone clonopin? Yeah, and they just blacked up. We all could have died. But you know, that's

that's the risk you take when you're hanging out with this guy. Do you ever snort clonipin? No, because I know Xanax you can't actually, it's not supposed to do anything if you snort it. Maybe colinin is different. Clonopin does. Yeah. But, you know, that's the other. But, that's not. I don't know. it's like cold. Oh, really?

Yeah, it has like a, in the back of your nose. It's like cold when you snored it. It's weird. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I never. You have any? I mean, I do.

It sounds like they're trying to name as something else, but their speech was slurred. Yeah. Clon. Clon. Pin. We used to, in high school, we called them K-pins, and we always joked around and we always joked around or call them gay. Is it C?

Or is it K? So, Kalanipin spelled with a K, but the drugs called colanzapam and that's spelled with a seat but the brand is like we're cool you know how it's like oxy cotton or oxy-cote yeah exactly and it was we used to call them gaypins and we made Joe bad as like you take it and you come home

and your mom's like did you take a gaping you're like no I did not she's like I could tell by your voice you took a gay pin you're like stop it sounds like you're saying you took a gaping I was just saying anything too it was like too man these these gapins are so weak bro I just became like bye it didn't even do it

anything. But yeah. Damn, Florida. That's a big joke. Yeah, yeah. I think it's hilarious. I think it's so much funnier than you guys did. I was waiting. I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait until they'd laugh at this. And then you guys just did not. You're with a guy who's so insecure.

You can't even tell us a joke and it doesn't get a laugh. And you're like, I thought that was so much funnier than you guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's a, dude, I made a personal note in my phone. Because when I spoke pot, I make notes to myself. And I'm like, these are thoughts or whatever. And my brain's not working today. These are thoughts or whatever. But I put in there,

I was like, I think you care too much about what people think. And it's crazy because in your mind, everybody's like, dude, I don't even give a fuck what anybody thinks. And then you're like, you really break it down. You're like, I aggressively think, care about what every single person thinks of me. Because that's like a random guy in the street. I don't know. I think about that more when I'm not around people. I'm like, I wonder what this guy thinks of people. But then when I'm around people, I'm like, I really don't, I don't care what you think of me. I'd rather just not be around you. Yeah, well, certain people.

Like, if I dislike somebody, I don't care. That whole thing about, like, they're like, oh, we spend time trying to impress people we don't care about. And I was like, for me, it's the opposite. They're from Fight Club? No, it's what my dad said. Maybe, I don't know. And then the beginning of Fight Club. Well, it's like we spend money and we don't have to impress people.

Maybe it's in Fight Club. We spend money we don't have to buy things we don't need to impress people we don't like. I guess it's in Fight Club. Yeah, I don't know how to know that was from the beginning of a fight club. Yeah, but the way he phrased it was different. That would have changed the whole movie. What was it? It was like freedom, you know?

Like they can take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom. That's pretty far. Yeah, that's completely different. No, no. Yeah, another Edward Norton movie. You had me at hello? Is that what we were saying? He was in sausage party.

He played the bagel. Who, Edward Norton? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the bagel, the Jewish one? Why did you look at Eli when you said that? He cleared his throat. Which one was he, Jake? But what I say is, yeah, I care way more about what people I know think about me than, like, random people, I don't know.

But I don't know. Even audiences, I'll, like, look at somebody. You didn't like me? I don't know anybody who genuinely doesn't care besides, like, people that are out of their fucking minds completely. Or I guess you've been doing comedy long enough, you don't care. Don't care what anybody thinks about you? Yeah. I don't think there's anybody who doesn't care what anybody thinks.

Some of these homeless people on McTougal Street Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're like, that's a very, that's an extreme of like human experience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a normal person who's like a partisan, doesn't care what anybody thinks about them. You could like not give a fuck of like an audience likes you. Right. I don't want my friends not to like me.

Yeah, yeah. And it's always those punk rock people too. They're like, we don't care anybody thinks it's like, no, you just care aggressively what. You have a girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want her to like you. It's like you definitely put a ring in your face because, Oh, you're saying, like, you want, like, I want them to hate me, which is caring what somebody thinks about.

Yes. And you also, but you also want the community that hangs around St. Marks to like you. Yeah. I feel like that's the same thing. Everybody has that. There's somebody they want to impress. Yeah, these are smart thoughts like that are going. I'm nothing.

I always feel like I'm building this. I feel like I thought I tuned out for like two minutes. We were just talking about this. And I was like, no, I think I was listening the whole time. He's just not really making any sense. There's something about your. Parma, it makes me sleepier. I feel like, I don't know if it's actually drop.

By the way, I think it's so... We got these carbon monoxide filters. That happened to me what time I was back at some guy's car and I had one beer and I was just fucked up and I'm like, dude, I am... He's like, no, there's a leak in my car. You're probably high off the fumes. There's also roofing all in your beer. Yeah.

But yeah, no, I like how the first, uh, just to explain for the audience is not that they care, not that any of this matters. But how I had the phone, I took 20 minutes to set this up because I, I was trying to record video and I just had my phone on dim and I thought you just had the darkest department. Even though you're standing in it and you're like, yeah, I'm like, why is my phone screen so much darker than the actual room? There isn't like a ton of natural light in here. No, there's not.

It's pretty dark here. Yeah, I'm about to move. I don't know. You're moving to the upper east side? I don't know. Do it, dude. It's so nice up here. I would.

It just seems further than it actually is. Like in my mind, this is like very far. How long it take you to get here? 30 minutes. That's not bad. How long does it take you to get to the Redditch Village though? 30 minutes.

That's not bad at all. No. Yeah, that's basically how long it takes me. I mean, I walk there, but. Yeah. Let's take the queue to the F. And if I take the train, it's only 20 minutes. It's only 10 minute difference. Yeah.

You can take a city bike there in 20 minutes. Yeah. Well, the bar below me is moving, which is fucking sick. I'm excited about that. There you go. Because I've already gone extreme. Like, I'm putting cork over my window. It looks like I'm like building a meth lab in some I own.

Extreme would be like putting wasps in their bar. Yeah, that would be extreme. I guess I'm just like doing what's logical. But they're moving though, which I'm excited about. They're like, they asked me to sign some waiver. They're like, oh, we need a liquor license to move like to the other side of the street. And I'm like, absolutely. Please get the fuck out of here.

Because when I told them to quiet it down, they just blasted the music even louder. It's cool. Yeah. Wait, they don't have a liquor license? No, I guess they need a liquor license for the new location. And you're the guy that signs off on that? They were doing it. No, it's like.

We need a professional booze bag to sign on our license. No, no, they had like, what's it called? Like a, they were doing a, I don't know if any petition I've ever signed has done anything. What are they really do? I have no idea. It's just you see how many signatures you can. I honestly think it's a thing to get, like, your email address. That's what it seems like, because I've signed so many petitions.

But it's the same thing as showing up to City Hall and being like, look at all this sea glass I found. Like, it's just collecting shit. It doesn't mean it. Yeah, like I walked past. Is that what we're supposed to be doing with your sea glass? Sea glass is actually better. What is sea glass? It's just stuff.

It's glass from the ocean. But it's not, is it glass? It's not just stuff, Jake. Okay. It's glass from the ocean. And it gets eroded over time. It gets eroded so it's like soft. And it doesn't have any sharp edges.

Okay, I'm confused. The sand is no. Glass has been thrown in the ocean? Yeah, it's glass that breaks. Eli will make an argument for any trash. And then it gets overreiber. time. It doesn't, it's not garbage. It's beautiful. But I can bring up any piece of

trash and you'd be like, this is why we should bring up this in the apartment. What is glass? I kind of agree with him. What does glass actually do bad for the ocean? Thank you. It's sharp. Not, when it's sea glass. Sea glass gets sharp. Sea glass gets smoothed over.

It becomes beautiful. Yeah, but over time. Over time. We got time. I throw all my glass in the ocean. I go to the fucking. Go to Coney Island. I just start throwing bottles. If you separate your recycling, they'll just take the glass. Dude, just right on the beach.

Just start pouring it. I got a burn it pile and I got an ocean pile. Yeah, yeah. That's, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Also, like, I was, I walked through a, uh, abortion protest with all these high schoolers today. And I may, maybe they're doing, it just seems weird to protest and stuff in New York

City. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know how to make a protest effective. I don't know, like, what the, what the best version of that is. Violence. Or what even the gold of cocktails. Because most of the time, you see.

a protest and people that aren't part of it are like, eh, whatever. Like, let them do it. And then when you actually like, when it escalates, they fucking kill a leader. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll, like, hang somebody. Yeah. So there's like, what's, like, how do you... What's the middle ground? How do we make these effective

without, you know, making them insane? And that's not what's really going on in America, but... Yeah, yeah. Just a general, like, a protest. Well, that's like, when we ever says a revolution, it's like, a real revolution, my buddy who produces podcast and he's like, real revolution would be like if we were actually like, going around, like, stabbing cops. Like, that's what a The real revolution is like where it's like

Revolution is we're like cutting off the heads of state. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I don't know. Also, like, if so funny gets three weeks ago, I was like, Roe v. Wade's not going to get overtone to the podcast. And now I'm like, oh, it actually seems like that actually bad happened. But I don't know because I,

it doesn't matter to me because I'm not going to get pregnant ever. So we're going to be fine, guys. We're going to be fine. You don't think you don't want that. I don't want to get pregnant? Because you're young. So maybe you change your mind one day. About getting pregnant?

Yeah. It might happen. In the future. I know people that donate their sperm. I think that was really not cool what you just said. I'm not. It's in between mothers and fathers' day, too. I didn't invite you up here on my lunch break from work just to shit all over my politics.

Wait, what was I fucking saying? I don't know people that have donated their sperm. That's a crazy idea to me. I looked into that when I was in college, not donating, like selling it to try and make money. and you don't get paid like any money. Really? Like you can get paid up to $1,200 a month pretty much if you give us every load for the month. Like you can only jerk off there.

And you can't like they need like a lot of sperm per load. So you can't like jerk off and like you can only do it. Are they mixing like Thursdays and Friday's load? Are they putting in like it? No, it's like you can only do like every like you can only do like three times a week or something. but you can't be jerking off at home. Yeah, exactly. They need a lot of sperm in the load.

That's tough. Also, like, the loads are different. I notice if I edge than if I straight, just come. It's another thing. The office. So you go in here, like, okay, so do you guys want me to edge? Do you want me to just to dump in there? The doctor, like, you're like, so when I go home, just to be clear, I can't,

masturbate in between these meetings. You can edge. Yeah, you can edge. You can bring yourself. but don't go away. I used to think when I was 18, I was like, I'll totally do that if I need money. Yeah.

I'll just, and now, the older I get, and the more like understanding of personal responsibility I have, I'm like, I really don't. I don't think that's a good idea. Dude,

because at some point the kid's going to find you, or do you have an option that you're like, not to put your name on? Yeah, and there's also, I could say never find me. I've met a couple of, like, sperm donor babies.

and all of them are like really upset that that's their situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because they like don't have like medical history and stuff from their... Right. They legally aren't like they don't have to give it to the child. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is crazy.

Yeah. But would they rather like not be alive? No. There's a comedian who, she always post stuff about it. About like sperm donor baby rights. Because you gotta feel like you're like, oh, my parents don't want me. But it's not either your parents don't want you to just wanted a PlayStation 3 way more than they wanted you in a way.

Because I don't know, I don't want to actually like get, I don't know. No, it's that the dad does, he's shooting blanks. So they get a sperm donor to, like the mom is fertile, but the dad's not. So they just get sperm from somebody else. That's usually how it is. Or it's like a single mother that doesn't want to have a baby with a dad. Or a lesbian couple, though. Yeah, or a lesbian couple, yeah.

But I think most of them are like, you, it's when you go to like a fertility doctor. You could be like a single parent. Yeah, yeah, for sure. To the people that I know who are sperm donor babies, they just have a single mom. So it sounds like that's what they're really upset about. Yeah, it's not nice. That'd be funny of the kids are homophobic.

He's like, I don't want lesbian moms. I want a straight household. You ever heard that story about like the doctor who, he was like a gynecologist or some sort of like pregnancy doctor. He was in the news a couple years ago. Yeah, who just every time a couple would come to him and be like, we're having trouble getting pregnant. Oh, he'd be putting his loads in him.

just, you would switch the husband's sperm with his own, yeah. And he has like 250 kids or something. That's wild. That's not Dr. Love. Dr. Love is, this is like teenager who, like, pretend to be a gynaecologist just like finger shakes. Yeah. And the best name he could come up with was Dr. Love.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he's leading a pretty thick breadcrump trail to what's doing. I don't know. He's leading pretty thick ropes of trails all the way back to his bedroom. Yeah, no, it wasn't. Dr. Love, it was a... It was like some Hungarian guy. Yeah, this has nothing to do with love.

This is about building a race. It's a pretty strange complex. Yeah, I don't know what the... I just want to sire the most children. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I get it. They don't even know, though. Yeah. That's the thing is, like, no one... In his perfect world, he doesn't get caught for that.

So no one ever knows that he has, only he knows that he has all these kids. Right. Yeah, that's crazy. That's like, that's next level. like, while. I mean, okay, in theory, though, okay, so if he's saying this is somebody else's come, but it's really his come. He's not even saying somebody else's come. He's like holding it. He's like, here's

and it's still dripping and his pants. He's still hard. And he's like, this is your come. This is the part of the process where I put your husband's cum in my balls. Like, okay. him like hard. He's still like tripping a little bit. Thank you.

Give him a vial of gum. And he's like, all right. So we brought you the specimen. We could put it in. He's like, okay, thank you. And then he leaves the room and just comes back two minutes later. Yeah. With a different level in there.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, man. That hard. I don't know a fucking psychopath. Just like a little drizzle coming down. It's just like a little drizzle coming down. It's a funny.

Yeah. Just going to the doctor, you're just going to get like a flu shot. You're a doctor just obviously has a boner. This is not for me. Oh, my man. They give you, don't they used to give you like porn magazines that was like a thing when you went there? I've no idea.

I've seen that in movies, but I have no idea. I'm just basing this off the movie road trip. Jay Elliott works at a place like that. Really? He works at like a fertility clinic. And so a lot of what they like, they do like sperm analysis.

I don't know if it's a sperm bank, but they do that. Like, guys come in and jerk off in a cup. Interesting. Yeah, I don't know. You wonder, like, because everybody comes different. It would be strange if they refused you porn. Yeah. They were like, just go sit in this, like, clinical room.

Well, I think now it's different because you have your phone, but you refuse you porn. You said that like I was like a black person in the 50s trying to get service somewhere. They don't, they don't need to. Whoa. No, he didn't. Whoa. Yes, you did. I know I did not, dude.

I stand by this analogy. I stand by it. They don't need. That implies that like certain people can get porn and Jake because of how he looks can't. No, no, no, no. I'm not saying that they're refusing you service. They don't owe you porn. You guys owe me porn.

You, you are really stretching this analogy. All right. I agree. I agree. I'm trying to find a way to tie it back together. But I really want to talk about race. That's really what I want to talk about. But it's just like, they don't owe you porn.

That's a weird way to say they refuse you. They can't refuse. But they're saying, they have to give me porn. You like, you go to donate sperm. No, you're saying they're at. And you're at, and you're, deny him his whiteness. You look into the room and it's just like a folding chair and then nothing.

And so you go back out to the desk and you're like, hey, do you have any like a visual aid or something? And they're like, porn, pornography? Yeah. Oh, you want a porno bag? Yeah. And then you go. Oh, you want a dirty Mac. Yeah.

They're like shame you. And then you go in and there's no internet. You can't even use your phone. What if you were like, what do you say after that day? You say, I demand you give me porn. You refuse me.

You want my come? Give me porn. All the guys in the waiting room are like, yes. Give me porn. You go up to the desk and you're like, hey, it's like a little barren in there. You think maybe I could get like a,

like a visual lady behind? And the lady behind the desk is, oh, you want like a stag film? Have you like 1960 Not even 1940s porn I'm pretty good You ever watch that You ever watch silent

Silent porn Like from before I mean I've had my volume turned down But you mean like That's not what I've been Yeah like 1920s porn Have you ever watched that? Yeah I've seen like videos of it

I used to watch those like on HBO What I guess it's the same thing as seeing it That's exactly what himself. I don't know why. Is Eli mean? I need to tell.

You're just trying to make it like, yeah, I didn't watch it like, I didn't watch. I just watched it. Yeah, I didn't watch it like a film reel in the back of the room with all. Like, I'm not a hundred years old. I watched it on my lap. Yeah, not in the theater, you know, which is the real experience. I saw it. I didn't jerk off to it with my friends.

If my friend wants it to me jerking off the 1920s, poor and I just closed it. I don't know why that idea is. just about holistic. You're projecting it on the wall. Get out of here. There's nothing. He's nothing. Don't.

Just breaking the burden. Just smashing a fucking projector. Ugh. Yeah. What was your point about it, though? I like to have bush in it. I'm a bush guy. Yeah.

I know you are. We talked about that. Yeah. I like bush. Yeah. Full bush. None of that. None of that.

None of that. No, no. Full mangled. Yeah. It's disgusting. Never shaven once. 1970. Yes. Yeah.

They shaved their legs When they wear like that like silk underwear or cotton underwear it looks like they have poop in the front of it because it's like

I'm talking about exactly what you're talking about yes it's like a puff ball in the front of the underwear but it's like it looks heavy yes yes yes it looks like they pooped in the front of a diaper

they don't make underwear like that anymore they certainly don't and that's what I like oh myerill get over here show me your poop diaper I'm talking about the 70s back on the

20s. Wait, I got you were talking about 20s still. No, I'm not. The 20s, their underwear came down to like their ankles. Yeah. It was like they wore 15 layers of clothing. Like in the 70s, any movie you see from there, even if it's not like a porn thing, just a movie where girls in her underwear, you can see her bush from under her panties and it looks like there's just poop in the like a diaper. It looks like a cup, like a jockstrap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's not as hot to me. The fully naked part's hot, but not the, uh, a girl in her underwear is not hot to. Now it looks like she's shadd in the front of her underwear. Like, I'm embarrassing. You're like, I don't know what you want me to say.

Yeah, I've never liked retro porn though. I don't know. It's always kind of gross to me. But you like Bush. How do you not like retro porn? That's where it all lives. 70s, 80s. Yeah, I don't know. It doesn't. I mean, no, Bush is coming back. I would say the porn is not as good, like 80s porn. Yeah, yeah. They never figured out the right angle. It's a lot of dude asshole, a lot of that. They're like way more artistic.

Yeah. If you watch them, there's like the director feels like he has more of a role. Yes. Then I also hate the way people talk, people talk differently in the 70s. Like when you watch movies like that, like the voicing sounds different. And I don't know if it's something to do with the audience. Jake is just staring off so far at the distance. Not even close to this conversation.

You weren't even just. zoning out. You're staring aggressively at a spot wall. I've been doing comedy for a few years. I am so fucking bored of talking about porn. Someone tells me something about porn every day and I'm like, it's it is what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a video of people having sex. Yeah, yeah. But I like, I like like 1920s porn. That's fun to watch. I think it's fun to watch. I don't think it's like. You see like the guy is wearing like so much makeup to make him look like a, like a thief or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

railroad tracks, stuff like that. I may be combining 20s movies and porn, but it's all that is funny how fast they jump to it because there's like, if you have a guy sneezing. You're just mixing up videos you've seen in your you know that porno where the train comes right

at the camera? That is pretty cool that they're like, they invented cameras and within two years they'll like, yeah, we can show people fucking. Yeah, yeah, immediately. Yeah, yeah. That's one of the first things. things they probably ever did with cameras.

A hundred percent. When the guy invented the first just picture camera, he was like, you guys, it's just, show me or just, just show them to me. And look how far we've come. I don't know,

I'll talk about something else. I had a fun weekend. Did you guys do anything fun this weekend? Yeah, I watched porn. Yeah, I went to a trip club on Mother's Day. Not that, I like, I don't want to have more.

I really changed in the top. Yeah, basically the same subject. But I told you guys, I started the mirage. Where'd you go? Sapphires? No, uh, flash, flash dancers. Is that on the west side? It's in like Times Square area. Okay.

Um, I didn't realize this, though. They have their own currency. Because I started throwing money at the stage and I was like, wait, does this worth anything? Because it's like flash dollars. And, uh, yeah, I guess it's so you don't spend all the money there. But also, I don't know who it's. No, so you do spend all the way. Yeah, that's what I mean.

Yeah. But I don't know who I feel like, can you get reimbursed for anything you don't spend? I debt. There's no way. There's a zero. percent chance of a strip club. They're going to be like,

yeah, here's your money back. Yeah, they'll definitely, yeah, I don't know. But I'm kind of mad at it in a key point. I feel like, I'm so lame. I'm like, let me put it on my wall. All my girlfriend's like, what the fuck is this? Does your girlfriend know you go to a strip club?

Yeah, yeah, she doesn't care. I just can't get lap dances. So there's no point of going to strip up. She does care. It's a fun thing to do, though. I like watching. I disagree. I don't like it at all.

I think it's fun to see boobs in your friend's face. Like, that's fun to me. Yeah, I guess. I've never been into it. I went, I was in like Denmark with my friend when I was like 19 and we almost went to one and then we were both like about to do it and then we were like actually I don't actually want to do this

and my friend was like yeah I've never wanted to do this they're just like hyping each other up you're like this is not going to be fun at all. There was one guy that was so interesting so the guy he didn't have arms but he just had hands he wasn't stripping but you don't know what I'm talking about about? I don't know what that is where you just have

no arms. What's the story? I don't know. I saw a disabled guy to strip-old. I saw a guy with short arms. But I guess you can't. I guess you guys have nothing. I don't have a joke about it. Yeah. Welcome to my comedy podcast. I did something really sad this weekend.

Guess what? I went inside and it was unpredictably sadder. This might be the worst episode. But now we'll embrace it And now maybe it'll be fun Also it's my podcast There's no reason why you guys should I should have had something on the guy with the arms

Or the lack of arms And just the hands I've been thinking about it for like four days now too Yeah I'm like there's got to be some angle Anz he's trip now I don't know There's probably always something like that going on At a strip club There's always like a certain portion of the clientele

Are guys that darn really getting laid Yeah yeah yeah I think a pretty Yeah yeah yeah But then it's also a lot of like married guys. There was like a sad married man alone. That's like I've always thought that was disgusting.

To be completely honest. I don't, something about it like I don't like. Yeah. It's fucking gross, dude. The mentally disabled, the physically disabled.

She's not for you. No. No, I don't like the idea of, obviously I like to see a naked woman. But something about her not wanting me to see her naked. doesn't excite me. Yeah, well, because you're not a rapist.

Right, I understand, but I don't even meet it in like a woke sense. I mean, like, there's no validation here so I don't get excited by this. I get what you're saying. She's not, because she doesn't genuinely worship you or views. I don't feel like a creep because it's not voyeurism because she's at work. But I'm like, there's

nothing about me here. Jake just staring at the wall so blackly. Sorry, Jake wants to talk about you all got to give late. Black and White 24 film. No, no, no, I agree with what you're saying. Yeah, because you're like, they're not into it.

It's like. So I'm not, I don't care. I've been to, I've been to like four strip clubs, four or five. And each time was I went with, I went like the first one I ever went to. I was like 19 because I was like, we'll see what this is about. Didn't think I was going to like it. And I didn't. And then every subsequent time, I went with a different friend group because they were like,

we're going to a strip club. And I was like, I don't really like strip clubs. I'm like, oh, you've just never been with us. What is going to be different? People who are like, yeah, you never smoking pot. with me. Like, now it's going to be it's going to be the exact same.

Yeah. Only more uncomfortable. Yeah. He's going to put like a song on and be like, have you fucking heard this year right here? You ever heard the Beatles? You're like, yes,

I've heard the Beatles. Uh, is that you who was starting a Beatles cover band? Yeah. You were in a Beatles cover band? He started one. What was the Beatles cover band? What did you guys call it?

Don't tell me. I just saw a guy on the train who was dressed like dressed like fucking the yellow submarine movie. He's dressed like like George Harrison in that movie. And Eli was like

what like what circumstances would you wear that outfit under? And I was like if I was joining a Beatles cover band. That's not even, wait, we're even talking about the same guy. This is the worst I have ever. I'm really happy.

I'm really happy you came up here about it. What time I saw a guy who looked like a guy Undetrain and then tell a story What would you do? What? You know when you tell a story and you're like, you're just so desperate to have something to say that you tell a story. And there's nothing going on.

So whoever you're talking to, he's actually listening to you. And you realize like four sentences into it. There's no point to what you should. Not even that I don't remember the ending. There's no point to this story. So you start panicking. You're like,

I got to fucking figure out what this. stories about. That's 95% of my life. You feel like the biggest moron in the world. So you saw her on the bus? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, that's my whole. I think five times a day I'll talk just to talk.

And I'm like, there's no reason for me. It's like an anxious thing. I'm like, all right, I got to fucking fill this dead space. I used to do that all the time when I was a kid. I was like, I thought I had to contribute something to any conversation. So I would just make stories up. Oh, really? Yeah, or just make up a thing just to be like, yeah, this crazy thing happened.

Yeah. I'd be like, no. No. No. None of what's that happened. It was like, yeah, it was hailing at my house today. Really? Yeah.

Sunny all day. I would know. I was a really quiet kid. I would never talk. What a surprise. Yeah. He was so talking about his podcast today. You've had so many brilliant ideas.

I've ever had Arden on your podcast? Yeah. Anytime we've had Arden on a podcast, he just doesn't talk. We had, we gave our in a fucking layup and a half one time. It was fucking softball. was the layup. So we did this podcast. We did it live at the pair.

We used to do the live at the pair podcast. Oh, yeah. So we're doing it live and in the audience was a, an ex-MMA fighter. From not from UFC, Belator. Belator. He's Belator.

Was he? But he's like, that's Arden, like, knew who he was. And he's a huge MMA person. He holds, I think I've seen him. He's coming to show before.

Until recently he held the record for, like the fastest bellator knockout ever what is the bellatory knockout well like so ufc is a league like the nfl and then bellator is another league like the cfl okay but they're more equal than that ufc is the biggest one right but bellator is like a quick it's very it's a fucking fighter's league you know it's a real thing and his girlfriend was like the daughter of like a russian spy or something who and she was quite he hit the whole time she's like i have nothing to say about myself. And then we like kind of asked her a couple questions. She was like, yeah, I was on the run for most

of my childhood. But we had Arden's come up to talk to the Bellator guy and he fucking didn't say anything. He didn't say a word the whole time. And then he left early. Yeah. Because he was going to like go on a date. So at one point he's like

the only words he ever said on the podcast were like 30 minutes into it. And he goes like, all right, I'm going to get out of here. He just gets up the and the dude is like, and the dude is like crazy. He was a nice guy. The fighter. He's a nice guy, but he's fucking nuts, you know? And we're like talking to him

about fighting and we'd be like, oh, it's crazy. So you're like, uh, you studied over here and then like look at Arden and he's just like on his phone. Oh, well, you brought your laptop out the last episode. I was working. He was working through the whole episode. We were doing a bit on the train

last night of a dude who's like had the most interesting life in the world. You know somebody who's like, thinks he's really interesting, but he's not. But it's to the opposite. He was like, oh, yeah,

it was back when I was helping with the Burmese revolution, but you don't want to hear about that. Yeah. Well, the worst is like for podcasts. I'll have,

I'll have somebody have a podcast episode and they won't say anything. And then afterwards, they're like, yeah, so anyways, I saw my dad get murdered when I was like,

talk about that. I know, I guess there are sure things you don't want to talk about. But the worst is like, people tell me the craziest things. They'll be like, yeah,

no, like I grew up my dad owned a zoo. You know, I used to feed lions. I'm like, why didn't you talk about that? They go, so fucking cool, dude. And they always go this, they always go, well, you didn't ask me about it. I'm going to go, how the fuck, if I don't know about it?

Am I supposed to ask you about it? You should know what's interesting about your life to say on here. You got to do more research, you know? Yeah, on the person who's on and then be like, hey, I read here. You got to find out what kind of porn they like. You went to high school in New Jersey, huh? What was that like? Are you talking about me?

No. No. I was going to say Long Island, but I was like, he's from Long Island. So he'd think I'm talking about him. I just picked New Jersey. If you said Long Island, I wouldn't kick you out of the apartment. The fuck does that mean?

Dude, I saw the craziest thing. You guys read that story about that guy from Florida? By the way, just full disclosure, this was unrelated. If I re-ran out of topics, I had this in my head to throw that out there. So this is just full disclosure.

It's unrelated to everything we're talking about. Yeah, and it's also a Hail Mary. 100%. This is a possible thing that maybe we'll get this. episode going. You're like, by the way, did you read that story that is three things we've not talked about? But I don't even want to tell

it. I don't even care anymore. I'm going to go see Dr. Strange alone. It's going to be a good day. Okay? I have something to say about Dr. Strange. Yeah. I... How does it end? Please don't. Please don't.

He wins. Oh, God damn. Fuck, dude. I thought he might lose. There is. There's a really funny moment that I was the only person to see the last. at it, to my knowledge, because I laughed kind of loud. I thought everyone was going to laugh. And no one laughed. But there's a scene where I forget what happens in the first one, but there's a

scene where Dr. Strange is in another universe and he runs into this character who they like supposedly have some kind of beef. They're like both wizards. Okay. And they have some kind of beef. But they only have a beef in the normal universe. So Dr. Strange doesn't know how this guy is going to react to him. he like thinks they're going to fight and he's a black guy, I forget his name. But the guy walks up to Dr. Strange like kind of sizing him up and then he goes, my brother.

No, no, no. That's not it. He goes to my brother. And they like hug and Dr. Strange is like, oh, I guess we're friends in this universe. And then probably like an hour later, they're like about to get into a fight. And the guy, the dude is like,

Dr. Strange, he's like, you really think I can't defeat you. This is my universe. And Dr. Strange is like, we'll see my brother. Oh my God. That's great. That is,

that will, that is, yeah. That made the movie for me. I thought that was really funny. Although some things are just funny like that. It's way too fucking long. Was it three hours?

That was two hours. Like two and a half or something. He's like, that movie shouldn't have even been a movie. It should not, two hours is like not even that long for Marvel. They should just make it a show. They just, they had like a couple of jump scares in it, which were kind of cool.

And other than that, it was just like, whatever. Jump scares? Yeah. That's good. Directed by Sam Ramey. Really? Yeah. I guess he did Spider-Man.

Yeah, there was some jump scares in Spider-Man. But this is like, Sam Ramey. I'm going to be really scared. The, as far as Marvel movies go, this is like the scariest one. You want to watch Evil Dead? Yeah. Love that movie. I'm going to see the movie in 3D.

Now I know that would be too much for me. Thank you. Thank you for letting me know that. What? How does it end? No, please, please, please don't, please, please, please, please, please, please, okay, dude.

Okay, you're like, this movie sucks so much, I don't care anything about. What happened with the dude you went to high school with in Florida? Oh, not even some guy, I'm talking about an article I read. Totally unrelated. I'm like, all right,

I guess this guy such a dumb fucking story. I hate this podcast. This is a fun one, I thought. No, no, it is. I'm enjoying. not being at work right now, but yeah,

this you really drop the ball. The second I tell this story, he's trying to come up with a really interesting story to tell you as soon as we stop recording. Yeah, yeah, I just be like, yeah, did you know I fucking swam with manatees? Actually, they'd be pretty normal. But actually, I'm from Florida, so we do that old time.

Yeah, yeah. He, uh, so fucking dumb. So bad. I don't know why I thought this would save anything. I bought, Are you like nervous right now? No, no. It seems like he's nervous that this podcast isn't going well.

It's just funny how bad. It's funny how bad it is. The fact I was going to try to lob this in like it was a regular thing to bring it up. So there's a guy on a private jet and I guess the flight attendant fell asleep or went through a seizure and the guy landed the plane. And that's the whole story. It's not a guy we knew. It's totally unrelated to everything. I just thought that's exciting.

The guy never flown a plane before and he landed it. This is worse than the plane. yellow submarine story. That is interesting. It's a good story. It's crazy that you're laughing through this whole trying to tell a story.

And then? And then? But you're laughing like he's going to get he's just as hurts at the end of it, but he's just a hero. That's pretty cool. No,

yeah, he's a president. He's never flown a plane before. And he's like a billionaire? Yeah, just a billionaire that like, I guess the guy flying the plane just like passed out or something like that.

And then this brave man took over. landed it. That's the story. Was the plane coming from Epseason Island? No, no, no, no. Ep seasons. Episem Salt Island. I'm going to talk about that thing I was telling you. Was I telling you that? I go to like a suicide support meeting because, you know, my friend died. And in the meeting, some guy out of the blue.

Jake's face is just making me laugh so much right now. I'm just watching you like scramble. To put this podcast together. I don't even think... I don't even think this... The craziest thing is there aren't... It's like because you're unemployed. You think that this is going to be a revenue stream for you.

But there are no stakes here. This doesn't matter. This also, I don't even think this is that bad of an episode. I don't think so either. I'm having a good time. Yeah, I'm having fun. I'm having fun. But this dude just brought up totally out of the blue how Epstein did not kill himself.

And I'm like, that's just hilarious. It's like a serious. a support meeting. He's like, listen, there things are suicide. That's the support he needs. He went there. He doesn't know anybody else that killed themselves. He just started going there after Epstein. Yeah. Yeah. How funny would that be? There's so, yeah, somebody's like, Francah. Galane Maxwell is that the suicide support meeting? It's been really hard. Galane Maxwell goes to a suicide support meeting. And it's not even like political. People like, he didn't fucking kill himself. You're not allowed to be here. But yeah, people were like, I told somebody else like, what was it related to you? You got about like, absolutely. nothing, just the topic of suicide

them. Also, you're not supposed to talk about what you talk about the meetings outside of the meetings. I'm sure it's like A in that way, right? You can't talk about it. What's up? I can't tell you about them. You've talked on the podcast. Have the Clintons ever, like, addressed? All the people they killed? Their involvement with Jeffrey Epstein?

I don't think so. I don't think any politician has. Besides Trump, it was like, I wish you will. To just lay Maxwell. That was wild when it was like, we thought for a minute we were waiting. to see who was going to win the election because whoever was going to win

was going to like pardon her and then she was going to share a bunch of dirt about the other one. Yeah. And then that just didn't happen. No, no. That was the most uneventful trial. I mean, I like followed some substack about it because they got like kicked off Twitter, but they got tipped to work because they're genuinely just saying misinformation.

Like it was just general nonsense. And then people really can't just like have someone just be a pedophile. Yeah. It's such like a crazy crime that they're like, no, it had to have been. politically motivated. Well, I think his was, though. Like, I'm pretty sure he was part of the Mossad.

Like, I believe that. The Mossad? Yeah. The Israeli Massad? Yes. Really? Yeah, there's, like, massive amounts of evidence that are, like, leading to that. Yeah.

That he worked for the Israeli government? 100%. He's a spy. To do what? So his whole thing was he's supposed to blackmail. You ever heard this conspiracy there? I've just heard people say Mossad, and then I'm like... I'm good.

I'm good. I'm good. no it was um whatever i hear like an american my age be like you know what with the massades involved i'm like no you don't the whole theory is that he was a spy and he what he would do is he would like get you're like make it rain sometimes just make it sunshine other times yeah yes i wonder where that conspiracy comes from the jewish people control the weather that's my favorite one it is funny it's like it's like it's like anti-semitic but in like a weird way it's like magic yeah yeah

You guys are wizards. I was trying to do a joke a while ago about how like it'd be cool. Like racism is really bad, but it would be cool the way it was like a long time ago when you believed that the other person was capable of magic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is funny. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what the, I think we were talking about this before, like the, the white supremacists think that the Jews are the head of like the magical.

Like, you guys control the other races. They think black people can't control, and you guys control black people to make them do things that they don't like. Meanwhile, they call themselves wizards. Yeah, that is weird. Oh, yeah. Grand Wizards of Waverly Place. Where is that TV show? That's funny.

Thanks, man. Appreciate it. Hold on. I got to get my computer so I can log on. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we can keep going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I don't tell you don't give a shit. You haven't said anything. You've been staring at the wall. You guys can keep podcasting without me. Jake's going to go take a walk. Yeah. That would be a great show. The Grand Wizards of Wade really plays.

It's kind of like a Beverly Hillbillies where they get like supplanted into or transplanted into Beverly Hills. But it's like a bunch of kids from Idaho. Yeah. They have to come live in the village. It's so funny. Like New York City, they have to hide. They're like, we have to live the double life of being a clan member and a high school. All your all your outfits are white.

And they're like, mm. Oh, yeah. There's for sure episode. The daughter has like a black boyfriend. she's trying to hide it maybe. Yeah. That'd be good. It gets like heartfelt and real.

Yeah. We should have to pitch this. What's up? We should do 100% pitch this. Yeah, it couldn't be Selena ago. It could be Dakota Fanning. Oh, she'd be perfect. Yeah.

She's pale. Or her sister. Her sister is actually quite good looking, too. Really? What's her sister's name? Dakota Fanning's sister's name? L. Thank you.

It's like he's the producer. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just takes a bit of a person. Jake's got his laptop over because he's about to work and sell solar panels. He's got his headphones and like, Jake doesn't sell solar panels. He sells fine art.

Don't say what I'm doing. Okay. Jake's playing the stock market. Oh, yeah. It's okay. No, the only person that can get fired for this is him. That'd be great if you got fired for his podcast. That'd be pretty cool.

Dude, I know people that have almost gotten in breakups because of my podcast because they said, on there and then her girlfriend listened to the episode oh t j that happened him yeah are you serious i think so tj was like hanging out with some girl and then like mentioned he was on hinge or something it's like months ago oh man i'm just destroying this podcast is doing so much worse than it's doing good maybe it wasn't him maybe it was arden i don't know

i like i're just now saying everybody who's on his jason david yeah no no jason david's not a hinge doesn't shoot on his girlfriend um i made a hinge for my comedy show because that's barely how it's a good way to promote. I did that too. And then I just got gay dudes hitting me up. That's all I got. They're like,

yeah, they didn't even come to the show. By the way, that thing I sent you yesterday, that profile, would you send me? That guy, I don't want to say his name.

Let me look it up. Sent you a profile. And I was like, do you know who this is? And you're like, that's somebody who comes to my show all the time. This guy. Oh,

yeah. Yeah. Did I show you, he just started messaging. Did he ever message you? Yeah. Yeah. I also, I can't tell when dudes are trying to bang me or not.

I have no idea. That's how you tell. If he says that. Yeah, yeah, but I wouldn't be able to tell from that honestly. I had, there's his gay dude who'd always him him up in middle school.

And he wasn't gay at the time. And he'd be like, hey, bro, what kind of porn you watch? You like jerking off? And I'm like, dude, all the time. I fucking spit on my hands. I love that guy up. He's like, you know, it's better than spitting on your hands as if I

fucking throat you. Oh, yeah. I do. Well, it didn't go that far, but like, literally I realize I'm just providing information for this guy to jerk off to. Like, I thought we were just having a cool bro talk about jerking off every day. And then he came out later as gay. I was like, oh, yeah, he was just for sure masturbating. Did you feel betrayed by that? Where are you going? Not really. All right. We'll end it there. Anything you want to promote? No. No. It's so funny. I care way too much of this pocket. I start warring. I'm like, now people are going to think that I'm a pro-life. because of that thing I said earlier. I don't know.

That's not even worrying about the podcast. No, no, no. It's me caring about what people think. This is full circle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We've come back to you caring about what people think. Are you pro-life? Let's just get out of the way right now. Are you pro-choice? Yeah, until a certain point. I don't know where that point is, but like... What point?

12 weeks? No, later than that, probably. 15? Maybe, probably later than that. 16? See, I don't see a picture of the baby.

Okay. Or maybe like a weight. If they put rocks in my hand, that like the baby weighs this much now. This money rocks. Yes, I have to know how many rocks. Well, a baby when it's born is like what, seven, eight pounds?

Yeah, yeah. So maybe like, I don't know. Maybe like a three pound baby, but I don't know when's three pounds. I have no idea. Yeah, see. Three pound baby? I don't think that's a song.

All right, I'm going to edit there. Yeah.