Morning Good - Minion Biting The Curb 4k Video - Episode 230

Episode Date: July 28, 2024

Paddy Defino and Jake Timothy return to the show for today's episode. They talk about Latin boobs, unironically enjoying Nanette, and doing comedy for kids.Thanks to Paddy and Jake for coming back on the show. Check them both out on a whole bunch of previous episodes and make sure to follow Paddy on Instagram @paddy_is_funky, and keep up with new episodes of the best visual experience in comedy podcasting, News From Bed.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. My God. We're here with Jake Timothy, who refuses to say something racist when testing the microphones. I'm not even going to put it out. And Patti Dufino, who refuses to not say something racist. to whenever the microphones are actually on. I would like to go to the record on that one.

I believe I've been a soul on this episode. Oh, this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is, uh, also, I just want to thank you guys both for being here. This is one of those that I really, yeah, yeah. Weeks, weeks of planning. This is essentially like captive audience podcast. Oh, yeah.

I'm like, hey, you guys want to do the podcast? Oh, well, you, I better see you doing other fucking things in the apartment. I guess I'll just do it alone by, myself on the couch. Just make sure you don't interrupt the bug. Unless you want to come on. There's just two microphones, like, sitting there.

Just me crying alone in this chair. You like ask us questions and I'm answering and then you're like, we start talking a microphone lowers next to us. Yeah, I'm with you guys in the kitchen with just the voice memos on my phone going. Are you turning this into a podcast now? No, I don't know.

It's just you doing our voices. Yeah, that would be funny. I'm like, if you guys aren't going to go to the podcast, I'm going to pretend to be you and say horrible things as you. Wow, Michael, that's such a great idea. You really think I'm that talented? Well, we both decided me and Patty that you are the best and smartest guy in the house. Yeah.

You really think nobody has a better transmit than me? Oh, my God. I was talking to a guy A stranger I met on the train at like 3 a.m. the other night But I was coming home And he was like, what do you do? Because he told me he was a saxophone player And I go, oh, I used comedy sometimes

That's what my, he asked me like what my notebook was And he's like, oh, you know what's funny? Trans. Trans is funny. And I was like, yeah, he's like, do you have a trans pit? And I was like, no, you know, It seems like so many people have one. It's just like, whatever.

And he's like, ah, you know what else is funny? Joe Biden. He's like, yeah. Okay, man. He's like, what about this? What about trans Joe Biden? I'm going to play myself out. He's saying all this.

He's like, break a new ground. He's like, don't tell anyone I told you this. Trans is funny. Well, the really funny that happened. The secret source. Yeah. The funny that always happens with like a fucking music. music people is like, I've got to, I used to go to music mics all the time. And you get like this

young sort of hippieish crowd. And then you get just really old conservative guys. So it's such a funny mix in politics will randomly get brought up at like a music open mic. And then like the 80 year old guitar player is like, get them out of the country. And then like the drummer is like some like lesbian chick. She's like, wait, what? This is who this is who I've been playing with for nine years. It's oddly true that Republican old man like white old Republican men love like young, liberal women singers. They go crazy for him. Yeah.

Like my dad had like seven different people he would like follow around the country. I'm like that. Yeah, this is the second time this happened. So your dad, my favorite story is your dad getting kicked out of that concert. What was that? Oh, no, they flagged him. They flagged him as like a, like a potential stalker of Grace Potter. Like they said like he was going to be.

I guess he, like, message her, and he's like, hey, Grace, I saw you over here last time. Like, we're coming again. I can't wait to see you. Hopefully, I don't know what he said. But he probably pushed a boundary. And, like, when we got there, they were like, sir, you're on a list of, like, whatever. He's like, well, I'm here with my daughter and son. I don't think I'm going to, yeah.

That's just more people to kidnap Grace Potter. Yeah, he just wants to, like, he's the guy who, like, wants to, like, meet celebrities and be like, this is my kid. They do the same thing as you, like, because he thinks like it could lead to something, which like he's not totally wrong. I think that does happen sometimes. But like for me, who's always been on the other side of that where I'm just the kid that like some of my dad is just showing me to like someone who's like, great.

Yeah. I never want to meet a celebrity. Like I have no interest in celebrities at all. I'm like, I don't even want, like, what am I going to do? Like, what am I, like, there's no, nothing to gain for me. Yeah, to contribute. Other than to, like, take a picture. Yeah, my grandparents, they, like, had dinner with Larry the Cable Guy.

And they're always just like, I mean, you want to just make a call? I was like, I don't think if I met Lerner the Cable Guy. And, I mean, I sure, I'd love to meet him. But I don't think there's some weird world where, like, now the Cable Guy has me opening for him. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Dude, that would be. I'll be.

Why did they have dinner with him? They had, like, a mutual friend with Lary of the Cable guy. And so they were like, you just, can he set us up? It would be funny. Their mutual friend was like Jeff Foxworth. So they just saw it where they're like somebody. Yeah, Joe Rogan's her mutual friend is Kat Williams. Yeah.

Lightning McQueen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I feel like, or maybe he was just like fixing the cable at their house. Yeah, like, we got a pot roast on. Different, Larry. Yeah. Yeah, it's just a cable. Who is a cable guy.

Yeah. No, I love like that, that's like more of a fan. I'd rather open for Larry the. cable guy than like somebody like that I because just I don't know that just seems like it would be fucking sick dude that seems like the guy I would want to open for I don't know yeah that makes sense for you what's that supposed to mean that means it it's just aligns with everything I know about you it's like you are a careerist guy you want to be successful but also if that can somehow align with like reckless chaos yeah you'll go that path yeah I'm not saying anything negative okay

that'd be great okay I think Nanette you should open for. That would be sick, Hannah Gatsby. Always right. You just make a bunch of rape jokes up top. And she spends an hour condemning you to applause. She actually purposely has me open up to berate me. All right.

Everybody, get out the tomatoes I put under your seats. We're bringing in back. He's coming out. Stop throwing them at the boy. I open for Hannah Gatsby. and it's me in a dunk tank. That's like the opening act is them just throwing. With like a wired mic.

Yeah, it filled with estrogen water. And you're wearing your favorite bathing suit. Yeah, I, I, oh, there was something about that, about Hannah Gatsby. I can't remember what it is. Oh, me and James were talking about it. It's like, I kind of, we kind of respect her more now. Yeah, as people don't know, she's like a very progressive lesbian comedian from Australia. Yeah.

I think they are non-binary now. Okay, they are non-binary. Trinaries, I like to call it. Wait, here's a question. If you're a guy and you date a lady, you're straight, right? No. No, okay, my bad. I guess that was wrong.

Whoa, Michael. What about a non-binary that dates a woman? How does that work? I think, like, he just latches onto her and just transfers his non-binary. Osmosis. Osmosis. I don't know. Dude, I don't know.

Well, I've always been a camp of like everybody, like, everybody will get pissed when there's like a new comedy special coming out of some comic they don't like. There's a six two where it's like, well, I mean, it's like, you know, it's like, there's a thing for everybody, you know what I mean? Yeah, and I think what she did with Nenna is a lot more interesting than like what most people are doing. I think she just did it.

at a time that's like, that there was a lot of, like, really good comedy going on. Right, right, right, right. So it was, like, when she did it, they're like, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're supposed to do this, you know?

But now, looking back, it's like, well, I'd kind of prefer that to, like, half the shit you see at the stand or, you know, like, all that stuff is just, like, bland. It's just, like, fill in the blank comedy. Yeah, well, there is something for, like, something that's just totally interesting.

You know, this is totally different than what I've ever seen before. Yeah, I'm like, I don't, it's, I'm not like a fan of it. Like, it's not my cup of tea, but I'm like, at least she's doing something unique. I once a week would like to start recommending comics that the listeners will absolutely not like. Start just tricking them into listening to Hours of Fan against me. I mean, the jokes part of Nanette is funny. And then the monologue part of it is like, interesting. Yeah, it is very funny me just drinking beers.

Why don't you be like, this bitch is fucking not funny at all. It's like not supposed to. It's like a story about how she was like raped on a or something horrendous. And then I'm like, we're the punchlines. And you're like, that was not supposed to beat the funny part. Yeah. It's like a hybrid. Yeah.

Who is Nanette? Performance art thing. Yeah. I don't know who Nanette is. I've never seen the special. Yeah. She said Nanette is a lady that she was like dating and just told her, I'm going to name a comedy special after you.

Oh, did the lady die? No, she just, they just stopped seeing each other. It's like, she just mentions, she just like explains that somewhere. Well, Kelsey looks like your comedy special is coming out pretty soon. Yeah, there's some chick I fingered in the eighth grade. Kelsey, the comedy special.

Like that, yeah. And people interview about it and you're like, I was really inspired by Hannah Gatsby's. Yeah. In the vein of Hannah Gatsby. I have a list of specials. I feel like, I feel like, I have a list of specials. like the Great Gatsby would have been a good name.

The Great Gadsby? Gadsby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just slightly off. Yeah, I never was, did you guys, I read the Great Gatsby, I didn't understand the appeal. I also don't understand the appeal of most things. Most things, people are like, this is phenomenal. I don't quite see there. I read it, but I enjoyed it because, like, where I grew up

is all the places in that book are based on, like, places where I... I was going to say, it's a very long island. Yeah, so, like, we would read it, and they'd be like, oh, West Egg is over there, and East Egg is where we are. and middle leg. The yoke.

The weird character was, there was a character that just didn't make sense to me or maybe I just don't understand dialect. There was a fat Jewish gangster who had a teeth around his neck. And I remember as a kid I was like, this is an original character,

but I've never seen this in nature. I mean, I also was not alive in like the, whenever the book was in 1920s. I feel like, remember who I'm talking about? There's a character who was a fat Jewish guy who had teeth around his neck. He was like the other. like bootleger that worked with Gatsby.

I don't really remember much about that, but I remember, like, that book is, I feel like, it's not like, like, nobody's supposed to be like, wow, that's like my favorite book, you know? I feel like it was almost written to be like, this will be read in schools, like, when I, when I die or whatever.

I don't, it had like a weird where it's like, here's a very strong message and like, whatever. Well, my favorite is, dude, I have this one tutor, and this guy was kind of fucking annoying. So he was kind of like a, he went to like an Ivy League school.

He's kind of a douche. Not the Asian one if you're listening. But anyways, I had another one. And they're always listening. He's got a spy fan outside with like a little thing. Just right outside of the apartment right now.

He's floating in a balloon. He's got a spy on you to hear what you're going to say on the podcast you're going to release. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I might edit it out. So he's like, I got to make sure I can get all the unedited version of it. But no, this other guy, I remember this guy was like tutoring me. And he like, first off, he was like, if you get an answer correct, I'm going to give you a pretzel.

And I was like, 17 at the time, I was like, I'm not doing this. I'm like, this is just so condescending. I'm like, there's no fucking way. And then he like, he was just really condescending. I read the great Gatsby. And I was like, well, these are like, you know, classy rich folks. He goes, they're not classy. The behavior these people doing this novel is not class.

class doesn't come with money. And I was like, shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? Like, you're still a classy, rich person. Even if you do trashy shit. Like, classy, like... As long as you're wearing a suit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I don't know. I get what people are saying, like, classy, but it's like, I don't... Nobody's classy. Everybody takes diarrhea dumps once a day, you know? Nobody's really classy. Classy doesn't exist.

So it's like, in the context of, are you taking diarrhea dumps in a suit? Or you take a diarrhea dumps in gym shorts, you know? Well, they'll take a diarrhea dump, as you've said. as you say you as you see how else would you call it diarrhea okay I call it a diarrhea dump is um is not a classy way to say that okay but it's like they go and take their diarrhea dump and then they come back to the table and they just go like and they put their napkin in their

shirt but you know us we would come back to the table and be like I just took a diarrhea dump that you like make it a scene about it and then we bring the diarrhea dump bell that I drilled into the wall on the first day we moved into the apartment. And then everyone would shotgun a four loco and be like, yo. Yeah, but the point the guy was trying to make you like, these people aren't classy

because they cheat on their husbands and wives. I'm like, that is class. Affairs are classy. A fair is a classy word. It just sounds classy. I saw a video, by the way. I saw old guy, you know how old people are just getting the internet and they're just starting to do like young people stuff on this? I saw an old guy recording his wife after cheating on him. You know how that's like normally like,

you know, like a sexy demand? American couple who's like, what were you doing? And then like they give the response. Like that's now like this old white guy like filmed his like just this middle age woman. He's like, and what were you doing? She's like, I sucked his dick. She's like, Larry, your dick doesn't work anymore. What am I supposed to do?

But Bethany, you said we exchange vows, vows, schmouse. I want a penis. I would be like, those videos make me uncomfortable. I'm always like, who is this video for? But I guess there is a niche of people who just likes to like sit in their bed and be like, yeah, you got fucking cheated on.

Yeah. It's so funny too, because like you see like a young couple and they cheat on them. It's like, oh, that's not a big deal. But you're like, this woman is about to lose so much. Or this guy. Or he's getting divorced right. And the guy's going to lose everything. He's like, you're dumb whore.

They're like, well, you don't get the kids because you're making a weird fucking videos online. and half your money's gone now. Yeah, that is a weird thing. I don't know how it works with the cheating and divorce. I don't know. As far as in the money gets DVD up. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know anything about divorce at all.

No, I just know, like, signing a pre-up is just like, so we're going to divorce. That's what people say, but like, I don't know. Like, I talked to my ex about it. She's like, yeah, no, I would totally respect you for signing a premium. Yeah, maybe it's actually the other way. Because if you sign like a pre-up, well, no, if you sign a pre-up, do you like are basically you know more about this.

I think because my parents are divorced. Yes. Yes, that's exactly. I think because you're a smart guy. Maybe it kind of like a pre-up. I, you know, the first time I heard of like someone like their parents having signed a pre-up before they got married, I was like, I was like, oh, that's like, I mean, I guess that's smart, but it feels like your parents just entered into this union being like, this is not going to work.

but we're going to just do it anyway. And then when my parents got divorced, I was like, they should have done that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody's like, yeah, everybody's like, oh, well, it's less romantic, but it's like, I'm not losing it. Yeah, maybe it puts the pressure on you. I'm not losing my Batman action figures.

Romance is a giant big mess every time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you should sign a pre-up. Especially if you're too fat gay guys. What that smells like? Pizza rolls and stank. I don't know, gay guys, a lot of times they use lady perfume.

I think it was pride. I just walked by and I was like, every twinkier smells adorable. You can't like, they just smell like nice ladies. You can't, unless you're like spraying perfume on your cock before it enters an ass.

Like, it's gonna smell like ass. Yeah, but a gay guy's ass is probably cleaner than my mouth. I don't know. It's like saying like a dog's, like a dog's mouth is cleaner

than a human's asshole or something like that. Yeah. You've heard that. Yeah. I've heard some guy who's getting his dick-tucked by dogs. Yeah. He's like, that's why fuck dogs in the,

mouth. Dogs like lick their own asses all day. Yeah. So how does that work? And a dog's ass is not cleaner than a human's ass. No fucking way. I've heard a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth. Oh, that's the thing?

Yeah, because I don't like a dog's asshole every day. But when a dog like, you know how it can like lick a wound and it has like healing properties? They have like magic tongues. That's just a guy. But that's for dog wounds. Right? Like if a dog licks my wound, I probably get an infection.

No, I think it's like good for your wound. Get dog shit in my wound. I, from what I understand is a dog's mouth is a cage is like basically just like an open vat of like Purell. Like you can shove anything in and out of there. You ever watch a dog throw up? Yeah. It's like freaky looking. It's like a slinky.

Yeah. It's so scary. You can almost like see it move. But then you can scoop that barf and be like. I'm going to be so strong tomorrow. Just like the Native Americans. Use every part of the throw-up. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't trust anything besides NeoSport. Neosporon, I don't know if it actually worked, but it seems to work. It seems like every time I put it on something, it looks pretty good. I think it's the same thing with like Bass Trace and her. My mom had me put this shit on me when I was a kid that it was supposed to like take your scar.

away. So I had some scars. And now my scars are very prominent and worse. Yeah. What is what did you put on me? Yeah. Dude, one time I scraped my knee like in our driveway or something playing basketball and my dad's like, oh, let me, let me help you out. And he took me into the garage and he went into this med kit that was for the JV baseball team. And he took out this like spray that was like, it expired like 30 years ago. Like the label wasn't even on it anymore and the can was like rusty. And he just sprayed my leg and it was like violent pain for like three days after that. It's just WD40.

And I don't even think it like healed properly. It was like, oh, dude, I don't know why. I was with my friend once and his bike, like the chain was rusty and it wouldn't move. And so his grandfather was like, I'll spray some WD40 on it. He's like, so it'll move today. but then once it seals, it'll be like even worse. So you should get some, like, oil. So we took the WD40 out.

And you know how it's like a canister with a long, thin spray thing? He hit the button and the straw just fell off. And so WD40 just spray, like bug spray, just like, and we all inhaled it and we were sitting in his backyard just like, gr-oh-h-h-h-ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that'll fuck you up.

Yeah, it's probably not good. It's also a fun thing to just light on fire. It's probably why. like vaping so much. All that WD-40 in my lungs. WWW-W-D-40-D. What? What would W-D-40-D?

Every time I've had, my fear is every time I have like somebody who's born in New York and like every immigrant I thought on the podcast, they tell some weird thing that their mom would put on them. Well, like, one guy is telling me like a Dominican barber would put vinegar in his hair. And then one comic who was like, Mama's Hispanic, said they would rub a hard-boiled eggs on them when they were sick. And I'm like, this is just so wild. Who knows? You know what I think?

I think ethnic people might do that. Ethnic is that, what would you call non-white whites? Just someone who is in someone who isn't white. Okay, so less pure people. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. And they're like, I feel white people. Yeah, white people are the dog's mouth of society.

No, but it's like, I feel like why people just eat weird. Instead we'll be like, oh, we're eating this weird leaf instead of like rubbing a thing on your body, which is not any, it's the same idea. Yeah. I don't know. We never did like any of those weird things. My mom is always one of those people that's like, you got to eat carrots so you can see better. Yeah. She's feeding it to like my blind grandpa or something.

Like somebody's got. Why is this going to help me? That's, I mean, everyone's got their thing. You're just like in your. culture or whatever, you're just like, yeah, this is just how we do it. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, that's weird. You hear other people do their thing.

I had a friend who was a kid who's an atheist. Like his family was, like, we are an atheist family. I will say this, those are the most annoying families. This is a story about him being annoying. But he, I like learned what Scientology. I was like probably 12. I learned what Scientology was. And I was like, I can't believe this.

This is insane. Like the way that shit these people believe is bananas. And then he was like, well, how are their stories even weirder than yours? You believe a man died for your sins, yada yada, yada, all this and I was like, fuck you. Maybe. Yeah. Shut up.

Jesus rules. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they do kind of have the like the monk thing where it's like the two gifts. One guy gives him a car another guy gives him like a thimble and he's like everything is the same to me.

Nothing exists. It's like just shut up. there's that whole argument is just like why not just believe in something like just pretend to believe in something yeah i also like i love i love i'm big fan of holidays like i've heard like racist people complain about june teeth i'm like how are you complaining that you get a day off of fucking work like what the fuck is wrong with you and then it's also like uh what's it called like the fucking uh i christmas is just so i feel it in my testicle you know i mean you just feel it your whole body you just oh yeah the christmas season there's nothing like it dude that is really that is really really that is really that is really

I don't do holidays anymore. This is the year I'm going to start doing holidays again. I didn't do Christmas, really. I didn't do, uh, yeah, I did shows on like every single holiday this year. I'm like,

you know, next year is holiday time. Yeah, Christmas is a big one. Thanksgiving is a big one. The day of, I don't like the day of Christmas at all. Because it's like over.

Yeah, but you just got to like sit there and fucking whatever. But like the lead up to it when you're just walking around and every, everyone's like, ah, it's nice. everything is decorated. It's just like,

it just feels fun. Yeah. My first is I actually like going to the mall like a couple days of workers with my family. I don't know. I like that just because you just fucking get in the spear. You smell the pine needles. Yeah.

It's a good time. Fuck. Fuck. I also like, it's fucking Christmas. Yeah. The music too is just fucking top-knock. Like Christmas carols. Yeah.

I would listen to them year round. They're like some of the most beautiful songs ever. Just bike and walking through the, like there's a store that's like spraying a cinnamon scent in the air and you're like, Ah, fuck! It's good. I like this. Yeah. No, it's, yeah, it's wonderful.

And I, I'm kind of bummed. I don't know. In my mind when I do shows on holidays, I'm always like, well, it's going to happen next year. But then I just keep doing shows. Yeah. Well, what do you have to gain from doing a show on a holiday? Money?

A lot of times when I've done shows, I'm like Thanksgiving or Christmas night. or Christmas Eve, even, I've had like so much fun. Oh, really? Because just whoever is out is like we're here to just have fun. Yeah. Because, you know, no one loves us or whatever the problem is.

That is the thing going around for sure. Yeah. Or it's like just people that from cultures that don't celebrate the thing at all. Yeah. So they're like today's our day to go out. It's like every, you know, everyone, we're not home. No one that is usually here is here, so we're just going to like take it over.

And it's always fun. It's like a just a different vibe in the room. Yeah, yeah. Thanksgiving is a lot of, because it's like people from other countries who are like, I don't even know what the fuck this is. I don't even know what a turkey is. And so you can go on stage or just make up the story of Thanksgiving to all these, like people that have been here for like six months.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, oh, they just believe it. Yeah. What is a cornucopia? It's just a big gourd? It's not, it's like a weaved. Aha. It's not, it's not one thing.

I thought it was like the husk of something. You ever watch Hamilton's Pharmacopia? No. Oh, that's the drug guy, right? Yeah, he's that I love it. I love it. He's a dwee, but I love it. It's just this guy with glasses. He's like, and now I'm going to go to South Africa and do Kualudes with a bunch of Africans. Yeah, well, he does the drugs too. Yeah, it's fucking awesome, dude. Yeah, yeah, he rules. That is like pretty cool. I've said it 100 times of the podcast. We were talking about how cool fucking vice used to be in that shit where it was like, it was like, that guy just going to these crazy fucking countries, like smoking toad venom and just like passing out shirtless.

the fact he's getting paid for that is fucking... I mean, he's also like a chemist or whatever, but fucking who cares? I'm always like, why don't these drug dealers just murder everyone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just kill everyone on...

Get all the camera guy, kill the guy. Just kill him. Why not? Yeah. Dude, I saw a crazy cartel of it. As soon as they land. Kill them all.

Their planes should explode. And then they go, oopsie, looks like nobody's gonna find out anything. But it's also, like, I think what's happening is like, they're showing cartels' faces and like American TV. And they're like,

like, we, they think Mexicans all look at this. There's no way they're looking at me. They're like, we're going to catch that guy in Mexico selling Cokes. They don't fucking. Remember when Sean Penn met El Chapo? I don't remember what I heard about it. That was nuts. Yeah. It was like after El Chapo escaped prison

one of those times. And I don't even know how Sean Penn just went to Mexico and was like hanging out with him. Yeah. It's just crazy. It would be funny if he only hung out with the movies. You're like, I'll be fine. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be fine with El Chop. Did he go undercover?

is Jeff Spacoli. He's like, oh, dude, I like smoking weed. He's like, this can't be actor John. This is Jeff Spacoli from a Richmond High.

This is like 75-year-old Jeff Spacoli? Far out, dude. Just a bagel in his pants. El Chop was like, hilarious. The funniest guy in America. Well, I saw like,

I saw a TikTok of that. It was like a guy who was like, we went and party with the cartel. in Mexico and it looked like the worst party ever. It was like, it was literally just like, have you, have this in high school, we had this a couple of times where somebody had like an abandoned house, but they

put up like lights in the table and stuff like that. Like a house, somebody's either moving into or an old house or sometimes just an abandoned house and it's like, it's not fun, I don't know, for me, it's like a party, you need pictures of the family on the wall. I don't know why a house party. I'm like, I need this to actually feel like a house instead of just like an abandoned thing. But it's just like an abandoned

fucking thing. It looks terrible. Yeah, I I'm sure it's not the real cartel party. I went to a party once that was on the side of a hill. So it was like this. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's standing, they were like, this sucks. We can't, like, play beer pong or anything. Yeah, yeah, terrible.

It's like everyone's like this. Dude, yeah, I think in high school. It was terrible. That is horrible. We showed up, we were like, if we go to like the bottom part and they were like, we got to, like, chill on the hill. Yeah, we do that all the time in, like, Florida.

It would be like, yeah, we can't go inside the house because my parents are out of town, so we're just going to be only outside of the heat. and yeah we don't have any we can't have a light on electricity or we'd have it where somebody bought a house but the electricity wasn't put on yet so they bought a house

their parents hadn't moved in yet so like we could party at the house that they hadn't moved in yet but then you're just like sure we're gonna play off this put this phone in like a cup and listen to Kid Cuddy and like I feel like

or when people are like yeah I'm having a party but no one can go inside so you can't use the bathroom or anything or just that I'm like I'm gonna fucking piss and shit all over your yard

do you think I'm just not I'm gonna hold it I'm drinking I think the drug dealer thing Like every video I've seen of like drug dealers They always have like big open rooms And like the only furniture they have is like One chair like in front of an Xbox

Yeah I feel like if they put family photos and stuff People would be able to like almost figure out where it is Oh totally yeah yeah This wasn't like it is no no that makes sense But I'm saying like it was very like It wasn't even in a drug dealer It was just like an abandoned house in Mexico

And it for sure was not a cartel part. The cartel probably threw a party where they could sell drugs that they probably just threw a house party. Yeah. Because they're like, oh, if we just make like a rave kind of thing, we can just sell drugs to this thing. But it's not the cartel. They're not partying. Like, their party is fucking awesome. And they're like beheading Americans and like riding jet skis. I'm sure having a phenomenal time.

I'm sure. Like a lot of the vice guys, the shit that I watched, I was like, these guys are like brave enough, I guess, to go to these places. But they're not like geniuses. They could have just communicated with a Mexican guy who likes to do drugs. The guy was like, yeah, I'm in the cartel.

Sure, come hang out and buy all the drugs for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, it is. The craziest one I saw the other day, I saw a video the other day was a cartel guy, and he had like a gun to a woman's head, and then a sniper took him out.

It was fucking crazy. It was, I was actually just taking a dump while watching this earlier, like probably like 10 minutes for the podcast, kind of going through Twitter. I was like, all right, let's see if we hit dead air.

This is where I'll bring it up. But it was crazy. to see a guy get shot in that. I didn't know like your, the cap of your skull just goes flying off. It looks like, uh... It's like a Halloween thing. Yeah, yeah. It literally looked like when, like, in a cartoon, when like something crazy happens at the top of somebody's head just goes flying on. Literally the end

of brawl and cell block 99. That's exactly what it looked like. I was like, oh my God, that movie nailed what it looks like to... I just really nailed a lot. I just saw the guy get shot in the, whatever. Yeah, that movie was crazy. I was pretty much. I can't believe how good. that was. Vince Vaughn. Fucking crazy. I've heard in real life. He's nuts.

Really? I heard a story about somebody who's working with him. He parties with like Shane Gillis now, right? Hopefully. I hope that's happening. I saw it went to like a football game or something together. I'm like, what is his life? Yeah, yeah. Why is this happening?

I could see him also not being fun. I could see him randomly just like locking down and be like, no, no, I don't think you understand. You got to keep your circle very small. You're like, dude, I'm just trying to smoke some weed. He's like, now you need to cut these people out of your life. You want to live a good life? You want to go out like yeah. You want to be a tough guy? Yeah, yeah.

You think of boom, that life hits you on the side of the face. Yeah, yeah. He's got like a whole like monologue for parents. Your life really is that. We're talking about how Adam Sandler is just in so many movies now that he's a really good actor. Like he's gotten so much experience. He's like gotten really good. Dude, I think at this point he's shooting multiple movies at the same time.

even like between scenes in the same movie they have different cameras going. They're like we're also using this voice for the new minions movie, but we're also going to record you on this beach. And then this camera shooting a 10th movie that will cut the scenes together. Yeah, every scene with like trouble with his wife is like the same scene. We're going to AI. What do you mean I can't be a basketball coach Campbell kind of firefighter race car driver? Yeah, we're going to AI generate either Jennifer Aniston and then the other movie we're going to do, what's her name? The one of them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just keep like shuffling women in front of him and he's like, baseball player. Base car driving. Salma Hayek, I feel like it's just in Hollywood. So like every like couple of years, I can be like, look how big her boobs still are. That's like the only purpose she serves. Like what is she? What is she in?

I don't know. Is she even a good, is she an actor? She's a great actress, yeah. Is she? Yeah, you're talking to Jake who loves Latin boobs Timothy. So obviously he's going to say she's a good act. Latin boobs Timothy.

Is this my guy that I am? Yeah, dude. That's what you're known as. The guy who loves Latin boobs. All right. The guavas, as you like to call them. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

If you got some Latin boobs, uh, male pictures. to us at, uh, we'll tell you, I'll give a P.O. box. Yeah, it's James, Jake cutting open like a, a bag of cocaine. Just in it is a photograph. This is good shit. Bag up the rest. Let's get out of here. Got my Latin boobs. Time to go home.

Yeah, I think, uh, oh, the Vince Vaughn story. I was talking somebody who worked with him. And they said he like, they drove him to the airport because they were like working on a movie with him. And then he like asked if they, he like, he like walk with him. He's like, I haven't been to the airport alone in like years. Can you like walk in this? That's very sweet. Yeah. Well, that's what I feel.

I feel like he's like a panicking guy. That doesn't sound crazy. That just sounds like he's a nervous guy. Yeah, but I don't think it's like a, that is a nerve. No, I'm tired of anxiety not being considered like crazy. Like it is, I have anxiety of OCD, but it's still crazy. Like, my therapist is like, you're not crazy. I'm like, uh, yeah, these are,

irrational fears. That is going crazy. It's not sure I'm not schizophrenic, but it still is like, you know, like not mentally. That'd be funny.

Like you hire, you're Vince Vaughn, you hire an assistant and you're just like a good boss and then one day you go to the airport and he's like, he's like, hey,

you know, I'm nervous to be in the airport alone. Do you think you could walk me to my gate? And the assistant's like, what are you fucking crazy? I'm going to tell everyone you're a nutcase.

You're fucking weird? I'm going to tell everyone you assaulted me. See, I would be the opposite. Like, if I had to go into an airport and board a plane, like... The assistant just doesn't. She's like, you're Vince Fault. You crash weddings. You went to four Christmases in one year.

How are you scared? You're the only man who could stand up to Ron Bergen. You literally had a brawl in cell block 99. I would have the opposite thing where, if someone had to, like if someone, I was with someone who I didn't really know very well, and we kind of were like acquaintances and I had to like sit next to them on the flight and do the whole thing, like going in, I would like to be like, hey, can we just like do this all separately? What do you mean?

And like just not, I don't, I would feel the pressure of like trying to get to know this person and the conversation and like, oh yeah. Even if we don't have nothing to say, like I would just stand there like freak out. out because I'd be like, fuck, it's a person, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I have to like, we have to fly this plane into the tower. Yeah.

Yeah, they had Saul talk on the way into the airport 9-11. So, well, this is pretty good today. You guys know the plan? Yeah. Okay. So what else is going? What's

the first thing you're going to do with your verge? well I think we were thinking about that we were watching Dispicable May 4 and he was playing some jams in the car that is a fun thing to think about that real life villains do

have music like that Trump shooter he was ballerent like I would love to see the playlists of these people I don't know yeah his was probably like Fred again just like really lame like I don't even know

that kid looked pretty deranged like just like kind of just a pussy I know, and some guy in the front row looks identical to him last night and I was too much of a pussy to be like, you look exactly

like that guy who just tried to shoot Trump. He probably missed me from there, too. Because it was like an underage guy with his parent, and I'm like, I can't just bully a teenager, but I like, I want, it's such a weird line on stage where I'm like, look, I want to say what I think is funny, and this is what I think is funny,

but also at what point is this a child in the audience. Anytime there's a kid in the audience, I'm like, all right, time for their parents to pay for their decision. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am going to make an example out of this kid.

Well, I still will make all the fucked up jokes and stuff like that, but I'm not going to start bullying him now. I don't know. No, but it's, the onus goes on the parents. Yeah, yeah. It's like, I don't, when anytime there's been a kid in the room, I don't do like blue stuff,

but I'll like curse. I'll make the joke that I'm cursing in front of the kid because then the parents are like, that's what they think is going to have, like, the worst that would happen. Yeah. And so they're like all on board with it. but I don't want to like ruin anyone's day.

I go, I'm still going to do whatever stuff I'm going to do. But the one thing I do feel I don't like doing sex crowdwork when there's kids there because I can't, at what point is the sexual harassment when I'm asking? Yeah, you like a finger on your ass? I'm like, oh, this is now I'm a predator. I am now pedophile. You're like, hey, you like a finger in your ass? He's like, no, you're like, oh, okay.

Sorry about that. How about you, ma'am? I mean, I have a finger in the ass bid And it'll come up in discussion But I'm like, now I'm just avoiding eye contact with that kid No, I just don't respect An audience It's just like what it is

I just like, I look at them I'm like, you guys are disgusting For coming to this show That's a good way to be Yeah I genuinely, that's a fun way to be Yeah, I mean it's What do we want from these guys, you know

Bringing kids to comedy shows? Yeah, well I think They think it'll be like a theater. They think the show every time they're like, well, this will be like when we went to go see Larry the cable guy and we're in row 435. And then you're like, now you're going to be in the front row. There's going to be

nine people and I'm going to be talking about getting my ass fingered by a lady. Well, one time I did a show and there was like a couple. You're a foot away from me. I don't know if we caught any of that podcast. Am I? This is well. He was way over here. No, I was not. Come on. Come on. This is a Jeep podcast. What the hell is this?

I was at a show. There was a couple with like a baby, and I was like, well, that doesn't even matter. No. That's just, that's basically like

that person isn't even near. It's just like having an expensive dog. Yeah. Just holding the dog in a bag, the whole show. Sir, does your baby? And I make a joke and they're like,

dude's a dog here. Yeah. What the hell? My dog's only eight years old. My dog is the cleanest mouth. You're like, yeah, aren't cats better than dogs?

Yeah, I think I was talking to me over that, that woman who apologized for stepping on her dog's tail for like three minutes to the dog. He was talking to no idea what the fuck's going on. The dog probably thought its tail was in the way. Yeah, yeah, he's got my bed. I'm so sorry for impeding your perfect step. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With my miserable little tail. My dog, I remember when I was a kid, my dog tried to run into the house real quick, like as we were shutting the door, and we just shut the door right on the tail, and it just like bent the tail, and the dog ran through the house, and it was just like shaking its tail,

and there was just blood all over the walls. Oh, man. So my... What did the tail do on a dog? Are you finished story? I don't know. I think it's just there, so we know when they're happy.

Yeah. But, like, my dad did not take the dog to a vet, Instead, he just, like, took, went back into that medical supplies thing and just, like, took tape and just like tape. So it would, like, smack it against the wall and be like, like, poof. It's just like a solid tape thing. And it always had a little notch in it after that, but that's like, you know. It's also, I know for like monkeys, it's like the, uh, some monkeys, they have pretensal tales. They wrap around things, but the other ones will use it for balance.

So, like, if they're. on a tree, it's supposed to like balance their body, almost just like a, yeah, like some sort of things that happens it out. So, like, you're not going one side of the other. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, it just changes their center of gravity. Yeah, it's kind of like with somebody's like, you know, if you didn't have pinky toes, you'd fall down and catch AIDS. You're like, I don't think that's how that works at all. My dog used to like, I don't think she ever got like injured like that. She used to eat her own shit all the time. And then we would try to stop her from doing that. So if she was shitting, you just try to pick it up immediately.

And then she got hip to that. And she, if you were like walking her and you like turned away and then turned back, she would be trying to eat shit as it fell out of her ass on. Hot off the press. You are a weird, disgusting. Yeah, they love the shit. They love it. Then you try to feed them like an apple and they're like, ugh.

They're like, what? You're trying to give a dog like a grape. Any sort of fruit, they're like, that's disgusting. It doesn't smell like shit. Yeah. Meat kind of smells like shit a little bit. Maybe I'll put grapes in my ass and feed it to a dog. It's probably better.

Shit looks like meat, too. You know, like overcooked. Yeah, like a nice sausage. Yeah, but fucking fruit doesn't, like, smell like anything. So if I was a dog, I smelled an apple. I think it smells fruity. Like an apple? Yeah.

Not really. You don't think, like a strawberry? You don't think that smells like a homosexual man? The only one that does to me is an orange because the skin has, like, those. But if you, like, squeeze it. of fruit, you'll smell it. But if you're just holding a apple or an orange with the cover on it,

if I was a dog, I'd be like, that's not poop. That's not, I don't smell like anything. That's just a non-bouncy tennis ball. That's just the worst ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, my dog liked blueberries, so she really got into blueberries.

Dude, this same dog, not the same dog we shut in the door, but the dog that likes blueberries. This dog on Christmas Eve one year, We made these things that were, it was like a peanut butter inside, like in chocolate on the outside. And we had like a tray of them. And they were so fucking good. I think it's called the Reese's peanut butter cup. Kind of.

But it's like, it's almost like more doughy in the middle. It's really good. But we had a tray of like 40 of them. And my dog ate the entire tray. And it's chocolate and peanut butter and sugar. It doesn't actually kill the dog, right? It does. I think dark chocolate does.

But since this was milk chocolate, it didn't kill it. But like... The lighter skin chocolate's better if the dogs. Yeah, we thought the dog was going to be dead on like Christmas morning, you know? So I had to like... I literally went to my brain. I was like, what do we do? And I remember like the Louie bit where he's like, I forced my dog to drink hydrogen peroxide.

Oh, yeah. So dude, on Christmas Eve, I'm just like holding my dog, like shaking hydrogen peroxide. He's putting cat porn on the TV. Dude, the dog didn't even... That was silly. The dog didn't throw up after a lot. all of that. Like, it drank like half a bottle of hydrogen peroxide didn't throw up.

Next day, on Christmas. It's Christmas night. My dog is just sitting on the couch. Just goes, blah. It just like, all of everything. Just massive. We're like, damn, dude. Maybe, like, I don't know, I'm just thinking of the idea

to make a dog throw up. Maybe you can just, like, put it on, like, a computer chair and spin it around really fast. But I don't know, I think they're gay and dizzy less easier because they spin around in circles all the time chasing their tails. Yeah. Yeah, they're pretty resilient. We used to do, do you ever do star tripping when you were a kid? Where you like press on your eyes?

No, what is that? I don't know, you just like press really hard in your eyes and everything's like blurry. Star tripping is when you look at one star and you spin around and your friend shines a light in your eyes. So you completely just like you just fall over no matter what. You're like completely loose sense of gravity. It's very fun. Like before we were always like prepping to do drugs. We kind of figured it down.

I remember once I was talking to my friend where we're drinking like five monsters. energies we're like, you know, we're going to be the kind of people that do drugs one day, right? This is how it gets started. There's always like some sort of rush thing or like optical illusions or something that you're like, I really like those videos. It's like it's like it just keeps showing like yourself on camera, but it's showing you like falling over and over. Have you seen those? No. It like takes your image and then just like flips it forward. So it looks like you're looking at yourself, but you just keep falling over. Have you seen them? And like it's supposed to like make you fall forward.

And there's a, like a huge library of just like gangster black guys who like around the, they're like, what is this? And they're like, what the fuck?

They all get hit by it. It's so funny because they're like, what is this shit? None of them like, know what's going on. Just right on the ground. Yeah, those are cool. Those are good.

I like, I love all those things. Like I got really high reason. I just looked at the old face filter. And I just sat on the couch for like 20 minutes, just looking at all. hold me. Yeah, when I do mushrooms, I'll look at myself in the mirror and I'll just burst out laughing

because I'm like, I'm just a guy in my family. I look just like guys in my family. It just cracks me up to no end. I'm like, of course, this is what I look like. I went to a wedding once where I didn't know anyone. I was like distantly related to who was getting married. And I showed up and one side of the wedding party looked exactly like me, just like a little different. Like their heads are a little different shape or whatever. And when I showed up, all these people I didn't know were like, oh, you look just like your grandfather. And I was like, so do all of you.

You all kind of look like him and me. It's just fucking weird. Yeah, it is so weird. You forget about that. And I think like the older you get too, you start looking like your aunts and uncles or whatever, like a lot. It's crazy. Yeah.

I have a big family. I have like 25 cousins or something like that. Yeah, same boat. And like all of it, like the older they get there, we're all just becoming the same two people. Oh, really? Pretty much. Yeah.

We got so much going on. We got a guy that was like in a metal band. Then he was in the Navy. We got all kinds. Like everybody's just going, we're the opposite. We're like the Muppets. Yeah. Everybody's exploding in such different directions.

got like a green guy that lives in the trash. The guy on the drums who keeps sexually harassing everyone. There's just a giant bird in my family. Sweet as chef, yeah. I know I was doing Sesame Street. Same Jim Hadsden and all. Yeah, it's all the same stuff.

Great Christmas movie, by the way, Muppet Family Christmas. It features both the Muppets and the Sesame Street altogether. Under one roof singing in harmony and Fraggle Rock. Got those guys in too. Well, the thing I like about that is...

Some would say the dozers are the original minions. Well, the thing about the millions is they're just... There's such a handful. They really are. You want them to do something. Guess what? Simple task, it's not going to be so simple. It's not going to go in the way you think.

It's going to take a little bit longer. It's going to be a little bit of chaos. But just enough for everybody to enjoy. Dude, every time there's like a scene in the movie where it's just full of minions, it is so funny. Like, we were just, we, every time me and you get high and go see kids' movies, we laugh 10 times harder than anybody in the theater. There's some really fucking funny parts. But it's like they directed this movie to make nine-year-olds laughed in our diarrhea brains are what just clicks, like, the hardest.

And I'm like, this is the greatest movie. When I smoke a joint and I have like half a Pepsi and then the seats are like shaking me around, that's like the cocktail to get me to be a nine-year-old. Yeah, yeah. That's like scientifically how you'd get me there. At that point, it's up to the movie. Dude, my favorites, we saw his little kid on the subway. That was the cutest kid I was seen in my life. There was just like a little fat black kid.

And he has a printed out picture of the minions just taped to his shirt. Like not a minion shirt, but he was so hyped. He's like, dude, I can't go with no merch on. He's like, I got to hit the printer, hit Staples or whatever. They got to know who I stand for. The good guys. Crew in the minions. Yeah, do you think that's the last one?

Because they had that big finale. Don't fucking ruin it, dude. Oh, shit. No, I just kidding. Yeah, that's my... And that big finale in prison where they sang... What are they saying? We all want to be the...

Everybody wants to prove. Dude, that was just like... A big finale in prison? Yeah. It was like the end of cell block 99. It really won't. Gru gets his head blown off by the old warden. after he saves his pregnant wife.

And then the one of the bad guys, curb stomps a minion. For like three minutes in a close-up camera. Bite the curb. Gim-a-boo-go-go-doo. It's just dead silent in the theater. Kids are like, is Guru going to come back? The seats are like this. are crying.

I don't think Gru's going back. I don't think Gru's coming back from this one. I love that Gru has the same job as me.

So Gru has to go into witness protection and he's like, I'm a solar panel salesman. Gru is essentially just Matt Marron.

Like, Matt Barron could be Gru and the comedy fight club kids are the minions. This is a joke one person to get again,

but that's fantastic. oh man yeah he's adorable and there was that like cunty family next door oh yeah but they nail the animation and like you just the hair they always get the hair

the guy with the long head oh my god this guy had like a head that was long and then his chin dude every time he's on screen I'm just dying laughing I'm like ha ha

look at his face it's just the funniest thing in the world like that's not how people's faces typically look they know something They, like, really get me with their animation. Yeah, because it's like caricature art. It's like they know what some face looks like.

Yeah, it's so smooth, too. Because it looks like, you're like, okay, I know somebody that kind of looks like, but they just over exaggerate it to where this guy is. Don't worry, we got a, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, you can hold your boogers till they? I think I could hold, dude, I saw this video of Sam Tallon where he's on stage and he, like, laughed and a big booger came out on his face. That's happened to me before, where I've been like, I'm not killing his, oh, so you're right? I was like, these jokes usually hit way harder, and then I'm like, oh, like, my nose is, like, wet. They can all see it. I just look like a sick guy.

You guys over. You know about that? Dude, yeah, that's a story. I realized, like, when I started doing stand-up, how much I spit when I talked. Oh, yeah. Like, it's just flying all over the audience. And, like, you could see it in the lights. It's like, shoo!

Oh my gosh. Yeah, I started to try to like, I was like, I'm just going to go to the bathroom and like clean my face before I go on stage. Because even if like I just had like my mouth was dry or something, I would tell a joke and then be like everyone's like, well. I love the idea of look at that. How easily touching his whole. I would do the opposite. Just make it look like I'm sweating. Just pour water all over my face and down my shirt and just be like you guys been to Walgreens recently.

That's essentially what T.J. Miller does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wet comedy. That could be a spinoff show where everyone's just soaking wet. Just still doing their, yeah, I wonder if, yeah, there's little things like that that you do well in comedy one set, and you're like, that's what it was. Yeah. It was the fact that I sharded my pants before.

There was kind of rush of energy I got before. Yeah, it was the fact I jumped at a pool and then ran onto stage. Yeah, I'm always trying to make it click and I can't. There's no, there's no correct equation. and just being in it, you know, it doesn't work. I guess, yeah, I don't know, just being drunk doesn't really work for me. No. I did a few comedy sets drunk, and like every time I would do this,

it was like a very long story about this cowboy I met, and he was like telling me that like there's no love greater than the love of a woman, especially that of old Bessie. And then he told me this story about how I would like, you could shove a foot in her pussy and she could fashion a new pair of boots onto your feet. And every time I was drunk, I did this story. It took me so long and I just wasn't a real story.

I'm trying to remember like the story, but I would only do this when I was drunk. And it was every time I was drunk. It was like four times. I only did comedy drunk like four times. Yeah, I think I've probably two, maybe. Yeah. And I would just do that bit.

And like, it would always go pretty well, surprisingly. Because I just was so hammered. I was sitting on the stool and I'm like, and bass saling it's really getting into the voice. And everyone's like, what is it? Yeah. Well, it's also like, there is a thing too, which, like, I really don't believe in buzz driving after doing comedy. because somebody else brought this up to me. I'm definitely not the first one to say this,

but you have like two drinks and go on stage and you can feel the difference. That is still happening when you go behind a wheel of a car. And also there's nothing more disorienting to being in a pitch black room with a spotlight on you. Like I've never felt drunker

than when I've had like the smallest amount of alcohol and gone on stage because you're like, oh, there's a roomful people staring at me and a spotlight. Yeah, because you feel, you just feel everything

when you're on the adrenaline when you're on stage. You saw me look at you in the microphone and you pulled in so much closer to your face. I'm not even thinking about it. How far away is this from my face?

It's like three feet away. You just like, because the adrenaline, you just feel everything more. Like I've had like a couple drinks and been like, all right, I'm feeling good. It's going to be a good set. And then I get on stage and I'm like, I have to like plant my feet in the ground and just like think about where I'm looking and stuff. Yeah.

Because otherwise, if I'm like a couple drinks out, I'll just throw them away from my face and stuff. Plus, like, you can still bomb when you're buzzed. So, like, if you bomb driving, that's like a family you just killed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a higher stakes bomb, Jake. Mr. Drunk driving all the time, Jake. A mystery guest.

That's got to be so shoo. You don't tell anyone. I'm in hiding. That's got to be so shoody when you get drunk and actually kill a whole family. You're like, this is literally the thing they were saying was going back. And then you're like, thank God I'm drunk. this would sweet emotion just drive away this is yeah i would have a hard time dealing with this i wasn't so drunk yeah it's such a uh there was a kid who drove a car into like the second

story of someone's house yeah you told me it was crazy yeah he like hit a curb or something fucking flew into like i always just imagine like like a guy like in like a nightcap like reading a book just like, oh! Yeah, yeah. The car perfectly coming up. That's not how it goes. He's reading a magazine about cars. Yeah, he's like, oh, in the Mustang.

Boy, what I would do to get my hands on one of the... Yeah. That's for like a few seconds that must, he must feel like, oh, I'm doing something so right because I'm flying right now. Yeah, I learned to fly. He's driving a car and he's hammered. then all of a sudden he's like, I'm flying. This is something incredible is happening.

He's like, it is 2024. We got flying cars. This is going to be the coolest story to tell my friends. Yeah, then you just see a man's face on the windshield. You're like, fuck. Oh, okay. Oh, that makes sense. Do you think he had that moment, like in every movie where they're on the side of a cliff?

Because if he leans too far back, he falls out. You know what I'm talking about? There's always, like, a car that's on the cliff and everybody has to get in the back seats. But he has to do the opposite. I guess he has to. to just lean forward. Or do you think he just went fully through the house and into the pool probably?

Yeah, I think he just like landed like on the, in the second story. He's like, I'm gonna try to try to nail this by driving down the stairs. Just like in a. Yeah, the crazy thing is there was like a photo too and the car was angled down. So that means he got like roof air.

So he was probably thinking. He came into the house. He came into the house at a downward angle. So he must have been thinking like, I'm getting on the roof and I'm gonna double my points. Yeah. When I hit this. sweet flip.

That's when you come up with an alien abduction story right there. You go, I was just driving my car, and I swear on my fucking life, a flying saucer picked my car up and threw it into this. Because, like, people are, like, looking at that, they're like, there's no way this car is going to get up here

without some sort of magic. I don't know what you do. I think you just, like, climb into one of the beds and, like, pretend you live in that house. Oh, my God, Dad. What happened? They're like, what? Sorry.

They're casually confused. They're like, what? No, no, yeah, the car came in over here. Just become the family. Yeah, there's, there's, when you take a life, there's, you have, like, there's like two options. There's got to be such a weird moment where you have to decide you're like, do I run or do I just turn my life over to have everything fucking suck now? Yeah, maybe if you assassinate the person. president, you should become the president.

That's a fun idea. Because if that kid became president, like, I think he would probably get assassinated. Yeah, yeah. We're going to watch Pokemon every single day for always. And every woman has to have sex with me. Dude, have you seen that video? My favorite fucking nerd cringe video is that guy who has the Harley Quinn thing? Have you seen that? No. He's like, you're going to fart on me, Harley. You don't get to fart yet. It's just, it's the most disgusting video. He's like, did I say you?

You could fart? No, Harley Quinn. That guy just all blows down on the internet. He's like, yeah, this is cool. I want people to know what I'm all about. My contribution. That's just a guy who's so, he's like in his house all day online that he developed that thing. Yeah.

But if he like met a girl and like asked her to do that, he would immediately be like, I don't like this. Yeah. I actually don't like this. Yeah. This is sad. because now I know you. I thought this was my thing, but I know your name isn't Harley Quinn. It's Gabby.

I remember as a kid being, like, pissed that I would never be able to fuck a cartoon. I remember I was like, that's so annoying. There is a very small part of me that is like so upset that, like, Lois Griffin is completely off the table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unless I'd like, draw her onto the table. Yeah, and then fuck the table. But even like, even like a real. a real version of her, I'd be like, that's not her, you know?

Yeah, if I watched you having sex with the lowest Griffin's ex-dollar. Yeah. Two-dimensional, lowest Griffin fat head. Everything you like, fucking a fat head. Everything you order to the apartment, you're like kind of excited to show one of us. And then one day you get a huge box and you're like, it's a bed frame. It's not for you guys. It's a news from bed frame. It's just

blankets. Yeah, that will, yeah. That'll definitely be the thing with a robot. I'll have to like, I'll have to like come to you guys and be like, so someone, I met someone. I met someone. And I would like for both of you guys to spend

some time with her. So she feels comfortable around the house. But don't fuck her. We got to wrap up. What do you guys want to promote. News from bed and friendship.

Oh, okay, nice. Yeah, news from bed and morning good. Why would you promote the part? They're already listening to it. Go listen to the other ones. Maybe they wouldn't listen to any more until Jake. Thank you guys.