Morning Good - Moderation Management, Not AA - Episode 11

Episode Date: January 31, 2021

Big thanks to Ivan and Luis for coming on the show, being hilarious, and ratting out their families. You can find them both on Instagram @ivanbunster and @luislopezishereLuis also has his own website, so make sure to check out luislopezcomedy.com to find out about upcoming shows and anything else going on with him.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. Yeah. I read about like two people won the million dollar prize. And they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And everybody was, like, disappointed. They're like, ah, only a million each. Well, doesn't like the government take like half?

By the way, we're here with Ivan Buster And we're also here with Luis Lopez. Woo. Hi, everybody. Intros. Yeah. No, but yeah, I think they take half. So that's what was my ticket too.

I was like, well, if you win $20 million, that means you only get 10. Then we're going to do with tent. Yeah. For sure. I also hate that like one of my friends won a scratch-off and he won $20,000. Jesus. But then he just like gave it to his mom. And I'm like, buy like a giraffe or something like really stupid.

or maybe give some of it to your mom and then spend a lot of it. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, I don't know. I've never met anyone that even knows anybody that won that much on a scratchoff. Yeah, yeah, no, that's why it's really crazy. Like, he's like, my life is going to change, and then he just gave it to his mom, and then I guess maybe her. What if she's spending on dumb shit? I was going to say, she just has an Adderall addiction now.

Yeah, yeah. I'm assuming she needed it, right? That's why he gave it to her? Yeah, but it would just be funny if she, like, has cancer, but she's also doing Coke off, like, samurai swords and stuff. It's like, well, 20 grand is going to help my cancer. May as well go out with a swing. Yeah, exactly. Well, there's always those stories about people that have the win the lottery or whatever,

and then their lives get, like, completely ruined because they have no idea how to handle money. Yeah, it makes sense. You sound like one of those guys, my house. Oh, I have no idea. Like, I literally, I have to pay my rent, like, so far in advance. I have to, like, put it to the side because I have no idea where this money's going to go. I do that, too, because I have two months free, but it's free. So I'm not paying, like, a net rent every month.

Oh, yeah. I'm not paying for two months and then paying. So I'm literally setting, like, a certain money away, like, every paycheck, because I'm like, This is going to go away if I'm not careful with it. Did they give you options to do either or? No, he was like, it's too much free. I was like, can I pay the net? He was like, no.

I'm like, yeah, that was my big thing on this one because it was the same thing, but I was like, I need to do net because I'm like, I can't. You know what I mean? I can save money. Yeah, I'm horrible. I can save money if I put it into like a savings account. I'm like, all right, this is going to go here. But if I just have like spending cash, I never like, let's be conservative.

I'm like, let's have some fun. Yeah, and that's the hard part, too, is because I, like, close my savings account because we just weren't using it. And now it's all just balanced. And I can't look at my checking account and be like, okay, I'm going to spend this on this and this on that. I guess you probably have to write that stuff out. Let me just make sure this is plugged in.

Let's make sure. Yeah, oh, wait, okay, so I don't understand how the net thing works. So it's two free months rent, but they just defer it for two months? That's how it works. They just don't get paid for two months. Yeah. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You give them no money for two months.

And then the last like 10, they get like the full amount that they would like want to get. Oh, okay. Yeah. So it's, it worked. But they roll the two months into the other 10 is what you're saying. No, it's free. No, they just have two months. Yeah, if your rent's like $1,500, right, for the year.

Uh-huh. But then they give you two months free. I would want to pay $1.50 for 12 months. But instead, they're like, don't pay anything for two. And then they charge $15 for the last 10. Okay. I see what you're saying. Yeah, that is my rent.

I didn't just know those numbers off the top of my head. I was going to say you're very financially savvy. Yeah. I think whoever's going to list this episode will probably kill themselves in the first two minutes for that just long rent conversation. Or somebody's gonna be, oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Also, though, I feel like you, you don't drink anymore, though, so I feel like money, that probably has to make some difference with controlling your money. Because that's my big problem is like, well, drinking, and then also, like, where my money goes when I drink, because I feel like your perception of how much money you have is, like, out the window. So, like, does that help? Yeah, I don't, like, I don't spend any money drinking, so I'm sure it helps, like, at a certain point.

But I mean, also, but it helps also because you're less drunk making financial decisions. I know that. Yeah, so my big, like, spending things are just, like, little random shit that I don't need. Like, I'll be at a CVS. I'll spend $5 on cereal. Why not? I want some cereal right now. And then that over the course of the week adds up.

So I think that's, like, the most of it. But no, it helps to not get hammered and then buy a snake on Amazon. Yeah, yeah. Dude, we walked in the Halloween store at everything's 75% off. Dude, I wanted to buy, like, everything in there. Like, there was, like, a King Kong statue. I'm like, this would fit perfect. I don't even know how I would get it in the apartment.

I would saw it down and then glom. blew it back together in here. That would work. They had a Halo helmet that was originally $120. And I was like, I want this. I don't even know what I did with it. What? 75% off.

So what's that? Like $30 or something? Yeah, 25 bucks. Yeah. But there was some shit that I was like, oh, this is like a $20 clown mask. I'm like, okay, now it's like fucking $3. I'm like, this seems like it would be useful in some scenario. Yeah.

Yeah. I know exactly how that is, though, with that. Because I'm a binge drinker. I don't drink regularly. But then when I do, I end up spending like $300 on cocaine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that'll...

Like I say, you know, like, we all do that. You guys know? You guys know? You've been there a couple times. Yeah, oh, absolutely. Yeah, no, I'm actually... I'm trying to do this thing. It's not AA.

It's for people that don't want to quit drinking. It's literally called moderation management, which I think could lead to AA in some way, but I'm, like, trying to follow the steps. And the first one is you're supposed to write down all the dumb shit you've done drinking. And it is like... That's a long list.

It's fucking. I'm at, like, I'm at, like, god, damn it. It's like, I'm like, I'm doing with my girl. Like, he was just... I told her. I love her. Yeah, just big mistakes. I love it. But this is funny because I was just realized that you lived in Mexico and you're Mexican.

Have you been to Mexico? Yeah. I went to when I was like 10 for like a month ago. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Because who died? Someone died.

And my mom went and she was like, you should come. I'm like, all right. So then I went to like little like Mexican school. Like, yeah, I was. I like that you say little Mexican school. I don't know why. Just the way you said it makes it sound so descending. Yeah.

It was a, it was. it was it was gnarly but I failed so bad because I didn't know Spanish that was so I'd be like what and she'd speak more more to me in Spanish because it's a school in Mexico she doesn't think that she has to know any English so she doesn't and it did not what part of Mexico I like Mexico City Mexico City I lived right outside Mexico City for like four years what yeah but uh some shit blew up in the States he I'm not okay so my my dad actually uh he he ran a business in San Diego, and when it went south, he started holding...

Literally. It went, yeah, literally. He started holding cocaine for the Mexican drug cartel in his warehouses, and then the guy he would get the money from got indicted by the DEA, so we ran to Mexico for like three years of my life. Are you allowed to be saying this on her? Yeah, nothing ever happens. Yeah, Michael, you have no listeners.

He's allowed to say it to us. Yeah, yeah. No, nothing ever happened. Because the way that DEA stuff works is it goes up. My dad was down the chain. So the guy that got indicted was above my dad. Oh, so, yeah. So he was just like, they were just trying to get guys.

But my dad was obviously freaked out when he saw on the news that the guy he got the money from was like arrested. Nice. So you guys went. So what happened after three years? He was like, I'm sure this is blown over. Yeah, my dad was like, I guess whatever. I guess we're good. So we moved back to San Diego.

That's crazy. We were waiting for the last three years. Just Mexico. Yeah. waiting for stuff to blow over. Studying abroad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, how old were you?

I was like two or three. So I learned about all this stuff retroactive. Yeah, I'm sure you weren't just sitting there while your dad just has like kilos. He's like, can you hold on to this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You a toddler? That's wild. Wait, so did you know Spanish?

Did you like... Yeah, I learned it. I learned it. I was like two to five, two to six. That's like perfect time to learn. Yeah, it was. So I have a good accent now, but I have the vocabulary of a five-year-old. That's all you need.

Yeah. You sound like Spanish force gum or something. Yeah, well, people immediately, like, when they hear me to speak, like, start going really fast. And then I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I normally just pretend like I don't know Spanish and then that's pretty much it. I think I misrepresented myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.

I cannot talk about foreign policy with you. Yeah. Well, that's a crazy thing. Yeah, because I'm telling you about it, like, my dad is a redhead, but he's from Miami. So he's fluent in Spanish, but people get so confused because he'll just start speaking Spanish. And, like, you can see Spanish people like looking at him like, I did not expect you to know this because, like, he looks so white. Like he looks like a... Like an Irish dude?

Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah. I love it. That's funny. There's a YouTube channel where there's like a kid here in New York who's like totally white. Oh, who speaks Chinese. Yeah, he speaks Chinese and he'll go to Chinatown. And you can just see like the looks on people's faces. Their minds just get blown when he starts speaking Mandarin like perfectly.

It's why I saw one of those videos where he's getting like his nails done because he's fucking queer. And he's said that into the microphone. And he's, so he's getting his nails done. I don't think he's actually gay, but it's fun to say. And they're talking Chinese to each other, like him and the nail lady. And she's like, oh, you speak better than my daughter? And she was like, thank you. Yeah.

That's reverse racism, if you think about it, because they were not expecting him to be able to speak the language. I think it's fine. I think he'll be okay. Yeah, I think it'll be fine. Yeah, that's a weird thing because, like, isn't that a new definition of racism that people saying you can't technically be racist to white people? Because I don't agree with that concept. I think you can be racist to white people. I think it just doesn't matter as much.

because it is technically right but you're like nah it's not right I'm like it is technically being racist is not liking someone because of their race yeah yeah yeah yeah if I don't like you cause you're white that's racist

yeah exactly but it doesn't matter because you're gonna be fine yeah exactly yeah but that should be the argument instead of like they try to like re-label it I don't know

this is turning into a different podcast them you know what thems do yep them liberals they're taking everything from us God I hate being a liberal so much it's so fucking tiring I'm like I don't care anymore

do you think it's gonna shift now that Biden's in office? No, it's going to get worse. You think it's going to get worse? I don't know. I don't really care. I'm excited that I don't know what's been going on

with the president the last like two weeks. Yeah. I'm like, I don't know. I'm so curious as to, I was going to dial out a parlor just to see what's up, but I guess you can't get it anymore. Yeah, I think they're getting sued,

or they're suing Apple to get back on. I don't know. The one thing about Storming the Capitol, is it just me or does every DoorDash driver look like the same people that stormed the Capitol? I don't know what it is, but they have that like...

Is it just the sweaters and the face coverings? Yeah, but then, like, also the thing on top, like the GoPro. I don't know. Every DoorDash guy looks exactly like the guy. I don't use DoorDash enough. Do they all have GoPro strapped to their head? Yeah, like, they're, like, fucking souped up. They have, like, it looks they have full, not like body armor.

Is that the way that, like, an Uber driver has a camera to, like, protect themselves? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Seriously? Yeah. That's hilarious. I didn't even know you needed so much equipment to deliver food on a bicycle. The only thing I know that you definitely need are those, like, mittens that they have on the handlebars. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because, like, if you ever ride a bike in the cold, your hands get so fucking cold. Wait, but the mittens are on the hand? That looks like you get your hands stuck, though. I know, but the mittens are, like, I think they're four bikes. So they're, like, permanently on there, and then you put your hands in so that way you don't die. For the three people listening that don't live in New York City, you cannot drive a car around here and do delivery. So you have to drive an electric bicycle. Oh, I didn't know that was.

Well, I got that's why. They have DoorDash in other cities. No, but I didn't know that you couldn't. Oh, you're saying she's just. harder to deliver. You're saying it? No, I'm saying that if DoorDash in other cities, they deliver by car. Yeah, yeah, but you technically can deliver DoorDash here if you have a car.

Oh, it's just going to take you like two hours. Yeah, it'd be impossible. Dude, I've literally, like, looked up directions somewhere, and it was like a 10-minute walk or a 30-minute drive. I'm like, all right, well, I'm going to walk this. Yeah, yeah. Do you do DoorDash? No, I'm just, I just, oh, okay, I thought you were saying. Because he's Mexican, he's got to do Door-Dash?

I don't know, no, because it sounded like you were saying you were, yeah. Oh, no, but I do, I did during the summer ride my bike a bunch. So sometimes I'd be stopped with a bunch of like DoorDash guys and they were all also brown. I'm like, these are my brothers. This is where I have a long right now. One thing I was talking to somebody that a lot of people didn't know about the Ice Bridge. So like, we were talking about this the other day. I didn't realize, I learned this like three years ago, that people from like, what's it called?

Like Native Americans and Native Mexicans are similar ethnicity to Asian people because of the Ice Bridge. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. I'm Asian? Yeah, there's like, yeah, yeah. Cool. Yeah, I think, yeah, because it came, it's all from Indochina, right?

Yeah. There used to be a nice bridge over by, like, Alaska connecting the two things. And then I like, when you say you used to, it sounds like it was like a couple months ago. There used to be this thing. Yeah, global warming. Trump got out of the Paris Agreement and it fell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. I felt weird, like, knowing that my dad told me. But because everything's so weird if you think about, like, we need to fix the way we do the race things because, like, you know,

like, technically Indian. people are Caucasian. Yeah. Well, it's like if you go far back on the... Yeah, because it's the Caucasus mountains, yeah. We're all... That's dumb. Yeah, I agree.

It's dumb. You mean white. Yeah, that's what you mean when you say Caucasian. Yeah, but it's like, if we go back far enough, like, we're all from Africa. Yeah. That's why I say the N-word so much. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, man. But yeah, no, it's a crazy thing when you think about it, like, you know, race and cultural appropriation and all that stuff, because it's like everything's just taken from other, like... If you go far back enough, it's all the same. Well, that's a funny argument. too. I've heard people be like, I've seen like a really white Hispanic person be like my people

were colonized by white people. I was like, well, that also means that your ancestors were colonizers. Yes. Wait. Yes. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm like... So that that means if, like, under that logic though, if you have like a light-skinned black guy who was like, oh, my family was slaves. And I was like, well, you

also enslaved. Because you're... In a way, yeah. I mean, technically. Yeah. I mean, that's, I know that logically where you're saying makes sense. I'm not sure that I would lead with that argument. No, no, no. It's not like a I'm not going to make that argument. I try making a bit out of it. The bit did not go well. I don't wonder why.

His picture is confusing me. Oh, the nuns smoking cigarettes? Yeah. Have you discussed this before? Yeah, none of them are hot. I don't know. They're not supposed to be. They're not supposed to be.

One hot nun. Porn has just warped my perception of everything. I just assume that. Do you watch nun porn or have you? It's out there. Yeah, I'm not into it, though. Yeah, me neither. There's Jesus porn, which I think you just go straight up seriously.

Yeah, of course. That's ridiculous. Yeah. I mean, these are good-looking dude. I got it. It's fucking shredded. Yeah. I'm going to have to make a note.

Does that make you anti? Like, I don't know. Does it make you super religious? Yeah, or like, anti-religious. Yeah, yeah. I think it's, I think you're just really into God. Yeah, I mean, I guess technically. I don't know.

That's a, that's a tough one. I don't know. These nuns are getting piped out. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, there, yeah, that's, yeah. No, no, no, no. No, no.

I don't know. Yeah. Probably not good to reference a picture on a podcast. I apologize. No, you're good. Yeah, I'll post it as the photograph. Oh, good. No, you put a lot of effort after this.

No, I will. I will, I will, I will, yeah. I, uh, man, Wells running dry. I should have brought up some topics before we just, because my thing is I don't normally do it this early. I do it late at night so people's like minds are going, but today it's just been. Yeah, I haven't even had a coffee yet. Oh, yeah.

I'm starting to be a coffee guy now. Are you really? I got a French press. I got a little thing a half and half. Oh, day class A. Yeah, I never make it right, though. It's always really weak or really strong, so I need to figure shit out. I didn't realize how expensive coffee can get.

Yeah, I get it at CBS. Yeah, so it's very reasonably priced. I mean, it's like $10. Really? But I get those little, like, what's called? Like 30% off shit randomly. I want to try that coffee that's like, that's, I don't know, I'll have a couple.

But I, we're eating on the podcast, just for everybody knows. So send all of your angry emails to Michael and let him know that that's annoying. Dude, I listen to some podcast where I've heard somebody like, eat a whole sandwich. Just like throughout the episode.

I'm sure they did fine. That never bothered me that much. No? No, I don't, I'm not a big, like, stickler to, like, details, I guess. Yeah. Because so it's like, oh, the audio and the last one sucked.

I'm like, I didn't even notice. I remember listening to, like, Maron's podcast in the beginning. And he's, like, eating fucking, like, full salads and stuff. Like this is terrible. And you're not even talking to anybody to like pick up the slack. Like you're just eating a salad by yourself.

Yeah, just like thinking. But I guess I guess you come up with some. People say like when you do your podcast just by yourself, you come up with a lot of bit ideas because you're basically just writing for like hours. Yeah, I guess that's true. I don't know if I could. I mean, I tried it for a little bit. I just got bored.

I'm like, I don't want to talk about nothing again. Like this is so much. Yeah. Yeah. Well, even Burr like like read emails or like read the paper and shit. You know? Yeah. Yeah, but he's so interesting that it doesn't matter at that point.

I feel like at our level it's so hard to do a single person podcast because people are like, why the fuck with that? Are we doing a podcast about podcasts right now? Is that what's happening? We are, we are. I love it. Every episode can't be incredible. I guess it's true.

That's the most insulting thing anyone's ever said. While I'm a thing, look, they can't all be winners. Sometimes the guests aren't great. No, this is me. I'm like hungover. I feel like garbage. Yeah, no, this is all on me. Oh, yeah.

How'd your bubble bath go last night? Didn't worry. I was so fucking pissed. I was so excited to take a bubble bath because I'm a little bit gay. Okay. But to like cure you from the hangover? I'm very confused. No, I just, when it's cold outside, I like taking bubble baths.

It feels nice. Yeah, I know. I know it's gay. But I literally order myself a milkshake. I like the cold and warm mix. That's, my girlfriend's out of town and I'm making bubble bass. I feel like she thinks worse things are going on when she's not here. Things are doing blow off hookers.

And you're like, no, I like to sizzle. Yeah, exactly. It feels my body gets warm. But it wasn't good? Well, though, it just didn't warm up and it fucking pissed me off. The boilers on the fritz. Yeah. It's weird being like angry about a bubble bath, not working, though. There's nowhere to take out my... It's like the opposite of the here.

Purpose. Yeah, exactly, yeah. But I don't know. The worst thing is my mom, like... So my friend died last week and my mom was trying to tell me, she goes, whenever I have it hard, I like to think about people that had it harder. And I was having trouble sleeping. So she's like, just when you try to go to bed tonight,

just think about how hard it was for people in the Holocaust. And I'm like, why? the fuck would that help me sleep you know what i mean like like i don't think there's any point you you find out somebody has a worse than you and you feel better you know what i mean like in my mind i'm just like now my friend's dead and i feel like an asshole like it doesn't help anything yeah my friend said well someone's whole family died so why should i be said yeah exactly i'm not like yeah i'm like oh i should be positive because i don't have cancer you know what i mean that's like your mom's nuts yeah i feel like it should be the inverse you should be talking about things

that you're thankful for not like yeah things that could be happening she's like you know you could have been raped, right? I'm like, what? Then what do you think about when you're getting raped? Yeah, you got to keep thinking about other things. Someone's been raped twice out there, and that sounds awful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I forgot, I think it was Burr that was talking about it.

It was like, it's got to be the best feeling to be the guy in jail that raped somebody. Because that way you're like, oh, this was I was scared of the whole time, but I'm the guy. Like, that's one way to look at it. Yeah, freak. But, so yeah, yeah, congratulations. Yeah, yeah. On what? Not getting raped.

Not kidding. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. You can have thoughts. Yeah, I've been trying very hard not to get raped.

Sorry about your friend, by the way. No, it's the second episode I've talked about it. We've got to move on at some point. It was a week and a half. I'm just kidding. I lost a younger brother.

Should we talk about that? I was going to say, I'm not sorry about your friend, but now I'm intrigued about this. Oh, no, it's nothing. You know, drug overdose. That's how it happens. Your father's cocaine.

No, not. Not because of my father's, my dad, my dad, my dad, my dad, my dad, he, he was an alcoholic, you know, like, I, looking at. Those two kind of go hand in hand. Yeah, there was a lot of times I, like, let's put it this way. My father, he would bring me along to the bars to blow into the breathalyzer to start the car. That's how my dad partied. Nice. My dad's literally killed, my dad killed a homeless person by hitting him one time.

What? Yeah, yeah. This sounds like things you're not supposed to say on the podcast. He got, he got, what is it? acquitted of all wrong. The guy popped out of nowhere. My dad was drunk at the time, but the guy walked into the middle of the intersection.

Got it. I thought it was one of those where, like, your dad killed a homeless guy, and you guys threw the body out. You're like, he was just angry. You're like, there's so many homeless guys. There's no way they're going to find out, even if I talk about it on a podcast.

What are they going to fucking... Oh, man. Yeah, no. It was, uh, yeah. My dad's lived an interesting life. You know, he's a criminal. You're right. Your dad's a criminal.

He was acquitted, of all charges. Yeah. No, I do agree. People can't pop out of nowhere. with cars. And like there are, aren't there certain people that want to get like insurance? They purposely jump in front of cars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's another thing on YouTube that I love seeing. Like the guys. People get hit by cars.

No. Nobody trying to survive any way they can. It's like the guy scamming the system and they'll like the guy will have the guy in the car will have like one of those gopros or whatever. Oh, you can clearly see the person like in their knees and jump in. Jump onto the hood of the car and the guy's like pointing to the camera. They're like, oh, let me let me get out of here. Yeah. Yeah. I've never.

I'm a horrible driver, but it was never anything like serious. I've only just sideswept people and just fender benders, but like multiple, multiple sideswere. I remember the best is I was working construction. I was coming back and I saw my buddy. He was eating food with his family outside a restaurant. And I'm like, yo, dude, what's up? And then I just fender bender somebody. And his whole family, he's like, yep, that's my friend Michael.

And I'm just getting insurance going back. I'm like, you guys still, I'll meet you later. And I'm just like doing this whole thing. And I look like such a friend Michael. That's his piece. right there. That's hilarious. Did the family know you too?

Or was that their first? That was their first introduction to me. Like this guy is a fucking idiot. I love it. That's hilarious. I feel like an idiot all week though because like I'm quitting Adderall. And like that's the only drug where you quit it and your life goes like downhill. Like you get less good at things.

You know what? Most drugs, it's like, oh, he's really getting it together. But for me, it's like I'm just slower. Like I'm, you know what I mean? I'm dumb. Yeah. It's horrible. I feel like, I don't know.

And it's so funny too because it's one of those things were like it propelled me through. all of school. And then now I'm realizing that I read it like a third grade level. I was just on Adderall this whole time. So I thought that I was like somewhat intelligent and it's, it's all turned out for that. I love it. I'm on Adderall right now.

Hell yeah. So this is you at peak performance, huh? Yeah, I mean, there's nothing else. Admitting to your family's crimes on Mike. So yeah, this is me what I'm at my sharpest.

I'm pretty sure the statute of limitations is up on that, right? Just tell us your father died. So nobody looks into it. I got, yeah. Well, I mean, he's close to dying. There you go. He's literally in the hospital right now from a fall and a shower.

What are you doing here? He's in San Diego. He's fine. That's true. He's fine in San Diego. He's supposed to spend his whole life with his dad? Huh? I mean, at some point, he's got to.

Yeah. Yeah, it's true. Listen, I love my dad. Jesus. And I'll feel sorry. I love your dad, too. These stories are awesome. I haven't even gotten into the hard stuff.

That seems cool. Can you? Your dad seems like he should be on the podcast. Yeah, for sure. No, yeah. My dad has lived a gnarly life for sure. What is he? He's Chilean.

Ah, that's why. He's Chilean, yeah. So, yeah. He emigrated to America when he was, like, 20 years old. And then, like... Are Chileans tan? Yeah, he's like European Chilean. Okay.

You know, not like Indo... So what's your mom? My mom's from Wisconsin. Ah, there you go. That's just the whitest place, Bob. Yes, that's it. Which explains me. Yeah.

Because you do have, like, a foreign vibe, but also very... pale. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I get a hell of a tan, though. Don't you?

Oh, do you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I used to not get sunburned for the longest time. What are you? I'm Italian and Irish. Okay.

Okay. I see Irish. I do not see Italian in you. Yeah. No, my mom is like pretty, she's a little darker. Yeah. That's good. Gross.

A little bit gross. Yeah. He's Mexican. He's allowed to say that. Yeah. No, she's a, she's a grease ball. But, dude. I was watching full metal jacket the other day.

and the beginning is so hard because he's talking about how he's like there's no racial bigotry here and then he drops a hard end bomb he's like I look down on or whops or greasers I'm like that's pretty that's a pretty rough way to start a film

yeah yeah it's also weird to like clump all those together you're like N-words and then other racial slurs that are not as bad you're not nearly as bad yeah you know the story of how he got in the movie because he's like a real drill sergeer yeah he was he was the like the expert

on set like talking to them to telling them how to be like in the military. Yeah. And then Stanley, I believe it's Stanley Kubrick's the director, right? Whoever the director is, was like, why don't you just do it?

You're so much better at this than the actors we hired. You can imagine that guy being fired, though? I bet you it was somebody who went to like acting school for 10 years and then they got so excited to be in the film and they're like, you're just not good enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaking of real quick, I want to get back to that, but the N-word, this flyer, no, no, I'm just, this flyer.

So the show's called Funny, Nuggets, but the guy's head is covering it. So I've had four people, like, pull me aside. They're like, is this show called Funny Nuggers? Like, because this is too close to be, it's not the N-word, but people are, like, very uncomfortable with it. And I had to, like, explain to people, does this look? Let me show you a picture of it.

Let's see a picture. This you will have to post. Is the guy covering black? No. It just looks kind of bad, though, right? Because it looks like we're trying to be funny. Like, it doesn't look like we're saying the N-word, but it looks like we're trying to, like, be close, but not say it.

But, like, everybody, even Derek Gonzalez was like, I literally thought the show was in Harlem or something. He's like, I thought it was, then I saw the guy was, like, very white. I didn't know what was going on. Well, it is, the show is in Long Island. Yeah, yeah. It's also just a poor poster because why would your head be covering so much of the show name? Yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah.

So, have fun on the show. Yeah, yeah, I'm excited. It keeps moving venues because places just keep getting shut down over there. So they're opening up here, baby. Yeah. Yeah, Valentine's Day. February 14th. Yeah, you and your girls are going to be.

going out doing something fun. Yeah, my girlfriend's going to get hammered while I because I'm taking February off so she's just going to be getting drunk and I'm just going to be supporting her. Nice. That's beautiful. Yeah, so I can't have sex with her because I haven't drinking so. Okay. I have strict rules about that. Oh, really? No, I don't know. I was so good. No, no. You live together. No, yeah, no. We have a signed agreement. Yeah. The courts can't. I'm pretty sure once you live with someone, yeah, you have the right to just take it. Right. Isn't that how that works? No, that used to, marital rape used to be like, totally legal for like the longest time.

Yeah. And then fucking Obama things. God damn. Do you know there's a thing called, what is it? It's like when you're married by like the state or something, but not really. It's common law. Common law. Yeah.

That's wild. Yeah. Like why? Just let me make the decision. She's like, no, you just can't pull the trigger. So now we're going to say that you are for you. Oh, yeah. That's fucking wild.

Yeah. I don't like it. I think it's to protect like the person who. who's maybe giving up their career or whatever to, like, support the other person, maybe or something? I don't know. Maybe. It's in, like, three states.

It doesn't even matter. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, California is, like, crazy. Like, they have these alimony, palimony laws. Like, so if you're married to someone for 10 years or more, they can, you, the whoever makes the most money has to give the other person a check for the rest of the other person's life.

That's for 10 years? If you're married for 10 years or more, then there's a, a, you can get palimony, which is, and so I know people that, like, what's pala? It sounds like a friend. It's like alamo. Alamo. For your palsy. Alamoony, I think, I think is.

Palomony. I don't know what. Every week you give your pros $10. No, I think alimony is like for a set period of time, and then palomone is just like in perpetuity. Oh, okay. You know, or until the person gets remarried. Right, right.

So I would just never get married. That's what happens. Oh, really? I know. I know. I know. I know. I know a chick who's like, she's been in a relationship for like, whatever, five years, six years.

And they won't get married because she just gets a check for like two grand every month from this dude. Yeah, that's not bad. Yeah, I feel like I wouldn't care about the actual, I don't know, specific. Like, if you can just be with somebody forever, I don't get why you want, I don't know. This is just me trying to defend why I haven't asked my girlfriend to marry me. No? Yeah. I just, I told my brother, he's coming up on 10 years.

It's getting weird. No, I'm going to at some point. But, you know, just not right now. is the worst time. I know that's always going to be the worst. Does she ask you about it? Well, yeah, we have conversations and we're like, we're not getting married until, like, I can financially do something.

Yeah, exactly, yeah. But it's, it's, uh, it's always a good career because that means you're never getting married. Yeah. Yeah. It's always just a weird, like, talk, though. She's like, you know, when, uh, like, I want to get married by the time I'm, like, whatever. And I'm like, fuck, that seems fast. Yeah.

It's very fast. How long have you guys been with your ladies? I've been four and a half years? Four years. Four years. We were four years in October. You guys are so young, though. You're like 24, Michael.

And then how old are you? 25. Jesus Christ. Yeah. It's a, that's the other thing. I'm like, ah, it's so, like, early, like, in terms of, like, my life, but not in terms of the relationship. So I'm like, I'm sure it'll work, but also, like, who knows? Yeah, well, it's also scary in New York City because I thought me and my girlfriend, I thought she was going to break up me just for some dumb shit I did. But it was one of those things I was like, I don't know where I'm going to go.

You know what I mean? It's like, when you live together, it's so scary because you're like, I don't, what happens if we break up? It's like just... Dude, I... Just fight over the couch. I have lived with the... I'm 34 and I've lived with a couple chicks. And when that lease...

When you know the relationship's going down the tube and that lease renewal comes back, it's like a re-evaluation of your whole relationship. Like, you're like sitting there like... Can we make it? So are we doing another year together or what are we doing? Yeah. That's tough.

That's why I'm kind of excited about the... She's moving in at like halfway through my lease. So it's like... It's perfect. It's like six months. It's like a... trial run. I'm like, if this works and like we're good to find like a place together.

Yeah. If not fucking, I got to figure something else out. See, but I think it's, it's hard to go backwards. Like, you can't live together for a year and be like, well, that didn't work out. We should. Yeah. This is a bad idea. Yeah.

So we should move out, but stay together. Like, where do you go from that? It's very hard to move backwards. So, yeah. But, uh, well, I'll figure it out. Yeah. Whatever. You guys are young.

Fuck it. Yeah. Are you 34? I'm 34. You look great. Thank you. The hair is like the only thing. Yeah.

Like, facially, you look good. Thanks. Moisterizer. It's a backhanded couple. To try to stay out of the sun. I'm bald for all the listeners.

Balding. Yeah, you're not bald yet. Let's just. Yeah, but you haven't accepted it. Yeah. But you're still at that like,

you're kind of like early Jason Statham's career bald. You know what I mean? Like you're, yeah, I'm working on the Jason's dath and bod, so, you know, making it happen. No, my favorite. It looks good, too. Yeah.

The beard. Now you have to post a picture of the nuns, the comic poster, and me. Yeah. And then the show notes. And then the porn I was watching earlier. Just some people now. Oh, yeah. There we go.

There we go. That's somebody's podcast where you, I forgot whose podcast it is, but they don't tell you what the podcast is. And then you get on there, and the podcast is, we go through your internet history. And that it's just like, I'm sure a lot of people are like, nope. No. I'm done. Thank you. My phone is always on private, though. Really?

On private browser. No, I'm the opposite. I got to go back because I'm like, what was that one video about the girl with the blue hair that I have to find? Yeah, that's a shitty thing because if I like, I like how we all just know it's porn. But if I find something that like I'm like, I really like, then I have to go through and fucking, I'm like, all right, it was like this. And I type in like three keywords and I have to scroll for like four pages. I'm like, all right, it's not here. I had a different set of words.

It's always a problem. That's hilarious. I went on a first date with a chick one time, and that was one of her, like, first date games where she wanted to trade phones and go through. And I was like, we should just end this now. Yeah. What if she was just like right on?

That would be sick, though. She's like, dude, I literally love getting fissage. This is exactly. This is 100% what I want. Thank you so much. Well, she was a freak. She tried to blow me in the bathroom, so. You sound so good.

When you said she tried to blow me, it sounds like you were, like, pushing her off. And you're like, no. I mean, I let her blow me in the bathroom. Yeah, there. So the sentence there is she blew me in the bathroom. Okay, fair enough. It sounds like you were at the urinal, and then she just pops out of nowhere, and you're like, stop, get away.

That sounds awful. I feel like it would be very backwards, though, because I feel like if we switch phones with, like a girl, so they would, like, look at my, like, I don't know, like, text or Internet search history or something, and I would just, like, try to find nudes. I'd be like, all right, let's go through your photos and see if you have any flattering angles. Yeah, yeah. It's a, I feel like it's much easier for them. That's probably true, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, but I also. Yeah, what chick is using a phone to jerk off? Yeah. Like, I like the term jerk off for a chick. What is it? Flick their bean? I don't know.

Yeah, well, when I think it jerk off, I think like, like, you're throwing, where does it come from? I know your balls, but I'm saying, like, where does that come from as far as like. Yeah, you're trying to throw it off, right? What is the woman masturbate? That sounds so clinical. You're jerking the skin off your penis? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay. That doesn't sound good. Yeah, it sounds bad. Yeah. That sounds negative. We'll research this later. Yeah. That's fair enough.

You know what I was watching, have you seen the change-up? The change-up? It's one of those dumb body-switching movies. We're like two guys. Yeah. I was thinking, how funny would it be if like some guy, I don't know why I could see this happening in real life. Some guy who's trying to do a wife swap with his buddy, they try to like make that

argument with their wives. That it's not. Yeah, they're like, I swear to God. They're like, are you trying, we're not wife-swapping. They're like, no, this is me, Darren. I swear I'm in here somewhere. We met on our first date when this, this, and that happened. I never understood why, if I wish I was a twin, because with my twin brother, I would just be doing that all the time with our girlfriends.

I've talked about those people. Some people consider that rape. But I don't, because technically you're agreeing to have sex with that person, but in a way. You think it's somebody else. I mean, is it rape if they don't ever know it's rape? Yes, that's the thing. Of course it's... Have you drug somebody and fuck them?

That's rape. Oh, yeah. Then they wake up and... Remember, you're like, oh, there we go. Now it's rape. Yeah, you're fine. You're just sore.

You went to a workout. They would wake up and be like, I don't know what happened and they put two and two together. The person that thinks they had sex with their boyfriend literally just thinks they had sex with their boyfriend. I'm gonna... I'm gonna take a hard stance that this is wrong.

I think it is wrong. I don't know if it's rape, but it's definitely wrong. No, it's rape. Because, well, in the moment, though, you're agreeing to have, like... You know what I mean? Yeah, dude, but it's a different person.

I know. Okay, so this is the situation. If they could fuck it up by saying their own name in bed, that's rape. I would argue genetically it is not a different person. I read about this case in Germany where this, of course I said, what does that mean? Because, of course, you have stats to defend your fear. It's not about rape. It's not about rape.

But these diamond heist happened in this bank or jewelry store. whatever. And the, they found DNA and it linked it to these these people that were twins. And they couldn't convict because they couldn't prove which one of them was doing

the diamond heist. Ah, that's pretty. Yeah. That's good. So, it would also be a great fallback. But it would also be kind of shitty if your twin was like a fuck and just always committing crimes because they'd blame it on you. For sure. But what appearance, like, you're so fucked if your twin is like a piece of shit and like... I know, but it also, you're not fucked because they can't convinced.

So what I'm saying is, even if they raped, if a twin raped someone, they couldn't prove which one it was. That's what I'm trying to say. That's a good point. You bring up sound arguments and you're switching a lot of people's minds. The crazy thing about that is even if you can't get convicted, you're right. You're just kind of fucked because, like, imagine all the court cases you'd have to go to it. Oh, and your reputation is just tarned.

Like, if you had a twin that just grabbed girls on the ass at bars, nobody's going to believe that wasn't you. I guess, here's my twin. They're like, yeah, okay, fuck you. Even if you're both there. Yeah. But the scenario I was talking about is, let's say you go on a date with a girl, and then you guys switch off midway through the date,

and then right at the peak, right before you guys have sex, you ask her, do you want to have sex with me? And you're the other twin. Technically, she consented to having sex with you. I don't think it's good that you're going off technicalities. Yeah, it's probably great. Yeah, I agree it's disgusting. I think we found a legal loophole for twins everywhere.

Yeah, there's twins listening. They're like, let's jot all this out and become horrible people. Yeah, I took, I took law. This all works out just fine. Chapter 4, twin rape. You're like, what is this? It's just a bunch of quotes by Michael Good. Technically.

They're like, yeah, shit, Michael, you're right. I, um, I don't know, I used to take naps at the law school at NYU. Oh, you literally are a lawyer? No. Oh, but I used to take naps there. Because their courtyard is so nice. But you also went to school there. I went to school at NYU.

It sounds like just like last week you just like walked into NYU law and you're like, I'm so. Yeah, I thought you were goodwill hunting. I think you can't do that as well because it's just open. But I had the confidence because I had the little purple ID. But no, I would just randomly go to the courtyard of this like NYU law is like a very well-respected law school. Yeah, yeah. And I just take a nap. So just like, you know, important attorneys would be walking by and I'd just be snoo.

and I'd be like, guys, I belong here. And they're just like sleepy Mexicans, as I'm sure immediately just reinforcing the, yeah, it's like,

this is why we do what we do. How is that a stereotype of a lazy, every Mexican I've ever met in San Diego has like four jobs? I don't, I think what happens is Mexicans work like 10 jobs and by their 10th job,

they're like, this guy has no energy. But it's just because they've been working all fucking day. I don't know. I guess that's fair. I think it's also the late thing. I feel like,

I feel like we're never on time, but then when we get there, we crush it. But white people are very into. time. Yeah, yeah. They're like, oh, this person's lazy because they weren't here on time. But then white people will get there early and then just be on their phone for like

an hour during the job. Yeah. It doesn't fucking matter. Yeah, I don't even have a phone. I just want to point out, Louise, you were late for the podcast today. But now I'm fucking carrying it. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm dragging the stem.

I apologize. No, no, we fucking brought this out of the, yeah, we're good. We're good. We're coming out of the weeds. Did you buy this couch or did you find this couch? My girlfriend bought it. I think it looks gaudy as shit. I don't like it.

It's such a move to buy a couch. though. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, no, no, it was used. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I get what you mean. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, because I, I tried to fucking literally give away my couch and no one would take it. Yeah, people do not, yeah. I had to... Really? Because everybody's like, what were you doing on it? I don't know. It was awful. I had to hire somebody to help me take it down the walk up to leave it on the sidewalk.

Jesus. So I literally lost money getting rid of a couch. Don't you have any friends? Huh? Don't you have a friend? I would have a friend. I wouldn't make somebody do that. It was four floors.

It's a guy I knew. you know Reggie from New York Comedy Club? Sure. Yeah, sure. Yes, yes. For the sake of the podcast, love Reggie. Love Reggie. Great guy.

I like his pet parrot and he does karate lessons too, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, he's black and also a black belt. You're right. Yeah, there we go. He helped me move it because I was like, you fucking move things. You want to do this?

He was like, yeah, so I gave him like fucking some money and he helped me move it downstairs. And it was awful. So, yeah. I'm impressed by anyone that can get a couch. No, yeah, it's, yeah. She had somebody, I don't know, she's been having handyman all. I don't know if she's fucking people, but I think she's not. No, it's just been so funny because, like, the guy duties I should be doing, like, mounting this.

She's just had task rabbits in here, and I'm like... Do you know how to mount? Not that, no. Yeah, exactly. So that's why I have a... I never feel, like, bad about that. They're like, oh, you should, like, you should know, like, guy stuff. I'm like, I don't have to because other people will do it for me if I made them.

But, I mean, apparently the tire... It's not... Apparently girls are into guys that can change tires, so... It's not a good skill to have. I know handy stuff, and I have a van. I have all my tools, and I'm constantly. just getting hit up to, like, move people and, like, help with, like, construction shit. It's the most annoying thing ever.

It's only gotten me laid, like, twice, so. Yeah. Were they good lays? Yeah. One, I was actually working construction at this, like, real rich house or whatever, and, like, the nanny for the place was, like, I have a sliding door in my bedroom that won't, and then I just went to her room, and we banged, and then I just went back out to do it. Nice.

Yeah, it was pretty awesome. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What was the name? Like, there's a lot of different kind of names. She was a hot like, like 20-something. Okay. So it wasn't like an older Ecuadorian woman?

Zick Berta? Doesn't close. You're like, oh, I'll show you a sliding door. That's great. What was the other time? The other time was with a chick, I was actually out here in New York, and she was moving, and we were kind of like seeing each other. And then she was like, I'll blow you, like, three times if you come help me move.

and like mount your you're a whore I guess I am technically well no she's a whore she's a whore yeah I'm paying in goods and services and her currency is is sex

oh yeah yeah yeah so I'm a John I am a straight of John yeah yeah yeah yeah dude this looks I'm looking at the back of your TV this looks difficult it looks like you need a drill and shit yeah of course you need a drill

this wall doesn't seem soft no yeah my girlfriend paint the whole entire thing too like it was just I was gonna say it looks like very shitty white I feel like it looks like a museum almost

yeah yeah I like how you're just ragging on your girlfriend's do it this couch sucks you're paying the walls they suck she's just like classier things and I wanted that Godzilla or I wanted that King Kong statue from the store I don't know I think that would have tied your apartment's like 300 square feet that thing would take up like 20% of your place

100% worth it Yeah just put it in your bathtub so it's just always there protecting it it wouldn't fit you this thing was giant How big was it? Probably seven feet tall by like four feet wide. Yeah. But I just wanted it to like everything's 75% off in the store. How much was it?

I don't even know if it was for sale. They would have sold it. What are they going to do with it? They're going out of business. Yeah, that's great. Dude, I got hangers from a banana republic that was going out of business. I was like, you guys are going to use these? And they're like, no.

I'm like, I'm going to take them. And they're like, all right. Are those nice hangers? They're just wooden hangers. Oh, what is the premium hangar? Yeah. You know, it's the first time I met Rhino, too, right? He was selling code hangers?

He's like, you guys want fucking coat hangas? I got coat hangas. And I was like, why would I... Where did you get them? He's like, I found him in an alleyway. I don't fucking know. He's like, do you want a fucking coat hangar? And then I saw him go to like three laundromats,

like Chinese laundromats. You guys want fucking coat hangas? You guys sit. My favorite is when he tries to exchange things he can steal from CVS for money. He's like, I'm looking for $20. I'll get you anything from CVS. Dude, he's like such a... He's such like a blast from the past.

Oh, yeah. He's not a real person. Yeah, exactly, but I love it so much. No, yeah, I had him on and it was phenomenal. He was just... He's so... I love Ryan so much, but he's also just... I worry about him.

Yeah, I'm like, all right, he's gonna die, but until then it's gonna be a party. Yeah, exactly. Well, I'm surprised he doesn't do more drugs. He just drinks and smokes pot. I'm surprised he doesn't have, like, a pill problem. It just seems like something that would come with the territory. Yeah, it's a skinny white guy.

You're like skinny whites always do pills. That is such a thing. I don't know why it's such a thing. Like, thin, tall white guys are in pills. Yeah. Well, Ryan's like 5-8. No, he's talking than me.

I always forget how tall he is. Is he? Yeah, yeah. I'm 5'10, so he's like 5, 12. I think the pills don't make you hungry, though. I think that's the thing about the pills, right? Yeah, so like amphetamines don't make you hungry.

And then Xanax doesn't really affect it, but you're probably just, I don't know. Yeah, and then heroin, you're probably, or like oxy and stuff, like you're just sleeping all the time, right? Can't you, like, not get hard on anything? Isn't that the thing? Yes, besides Viagra.

It's, yeah. You can get hard on Adderall. It makes it. He's hard right now. I mean. Dude, I have serious erectile problems when I take Adderall. I'm like, I mean, it's like, it pumps the blood to my brain and it drains it out. It's like three quarters, but it works.

Like, you can technically get hard. But it's literally, it's a vaso restrictor. So it literally is supposed to make it less hard. But for some reason, meth, apparently, you get like the hardest dick. Oh, weird. Yeah. That's interesting. That's, uh, I feel like that's not good for humanity.

No. Meth heads are the ones that can fuck. Yeah. I don't think, I saw that. What was that show on A&E about the addicts? Like going to rehab? I know you're talking about it's called a... I don't think it's around anymore

But anyway I remember one where like they literally had the camera on the guy And he it was it was like He had a boner He was jerking off for like six hours And they did like a time lapse I'm doing it It was like it was like the

It was like a back shot of him And it showed it was like a blurt out screen And then it was just like a time lapse of him Just like furiously masturbating from behind It was hilarious Oh god Imagine just like the the soreness afterwards.

Oh, yeah. It's probably horrible. I feel like they don't give you lotion. No, no, you give your dick Indian bread. You probably, your mouth's probably dried too from smoking crystal meth. So it's probably, that's the dumbest thing is I was writing a meth mouth bit. And one of the articles is like, meth is caused by the fact that people who smoke crystal meth eat a lot of sweets.

I'm like, I don't think that's what's doing. Yeah, right? If anything there, it should be like, yeah. They were like, yeah, they like, candy and soft. And like, I was like, I don't think that's why. What do you think I have meth had also just had a bunch of cotton candy around? Yeah. Just it's right out of mouth on.

canny machine. So I do it. Feels like I'm at the fair. Method's also like going to the fair. You've been to a fair? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like you're a big fare guy. You know what I mean?

You're just calling me a Carney, basically. Is that what it is? I think it's the Florida in you. Oh, yeah, no. We have some state fairs. We have one. I remember we went to one. It was very cool because, like, I mean,

first of up, the treatment of animals is horrible, but it was cool to pet a tiger that was on a bunch of alum. So that was cool. There was like a baby tiger one time and we're like, At a carnival?

Yeah, right. This thing has to be dosed the fuck up because we're just playing around with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a guy that has a tiger. Yeah. Well, those are the best fucking zoos. They're the worst zoos. But, like, if you just care about not how the animals are doing, but you're closing

reaction. Getting an awesome Instagram photo. Oh, my God. Do we went to this one on the side of the road in Georgia? And literally, it's a chain link fence. The road in Georgia. Yeah. It's literally a chain link fence and behind it is a tiger.

Yeah, yeah. Like, there's no glass thing. It's like literally just there. And you're like, roar. And it's like, like really get it. And you don't know if you're going to be okay because it's a...

Yeah, well, that's the whole Tiger King thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or whatever. Did you see the day Trump left office? The Tiger King guy was so sure he was going to get a pardon pardon that he had a limo waiting for him outside of prison.

That's fucking awesome. And the dude, and the dude, like, filming it, like, to see if he was going to get the pardon. That's so great. Imagine all the people that were just so sad after he left. He was like, fuck.

Do you forget him? about me? Like, what happened? I'm still in jail. Yeah, that does suck. But also, like, I can't imagine being in cell roommates with Joe Exotic. That would be Oh, fuck, that's good. He probably bust those, you know what I mean? He's probably like, maybe it's fun

for him because, I don't know. I still don't think prison's fun, even if you're gay. No, I don't know. I think that's a very wrong statement. Yeah, I feel like basically, yeah, yeah, no, it's horrible. We're throwing out a lot of bad ideas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but. How you guys ever been to jail? Uh, no, my buddy's in jail. I didn't know that they get

iPads, though. Oh, they get iPad? Yeah, it was so funny because I always make the joke that I never want to donate to certain things, because I'm like, what is it just going to go somebody's fucking iPad? I don't know where the money's going when you donate to charities, and I guess he has an iPad, yeah. That's correct. I spent one night in jail, and there was no iPad. Yeah, yeah.

I think, I think, we had to settle for an iPod. Yeah, you're like, God damn it, this is horrible. And Kindle fire was terrible. Yeah, what were you in jail for? Oh, just drunk tank. Stuff. I was... Did you, you've been to Mexican jail? haven't you? Oh, I got, I got, no, not Mexican jail.

I got, I got handcuffed in the, okay, so I went. As a two-year-old. No, not as a two-year-old. I was like 19 years old, and I went to Tijuana with a buddy, and I was walking around, and I got stopped, and they found cocaine on me. And so they handcuffed me to the back of a pickup truck and took me to an ATM to get money from them. Yeah.

And so they drove me around town with like six guys in the back of the pickup truck all handcuffed. I'm just like this white dude. And then so I gave him like a hundred bucks. And then they released me. And then I was, they released me like in the middle of nowhere. Like I had no idea where I was in Tijuana. And then I turned the corner and they had, and then a bunch of other cops were standing there, putting people up against the wall. And I just immediately turned around.

And they, they were like, get the fuck over here. Get the fuck over. And I, I just, I got. You're like, no, I'm not with that group. You just like, kind of out of you're like, no, I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm sorry. I got angry at that point, and I just started screaming. I was like, I already paid for today.

I'm done. And where they're like, okay, that's right. Yeah, that's literally what they said. And they're like, okay, go over there and you'll get back to the border. That's crazy. Yeah, it was an interesting time. What a great system. I wish we could just do that here.

Not like pay off the cops, but like pay off like if you're going to give me a guy beating the shit out of people daily. He's like, this is my $100 fee. I'm going to go fuck shit up. Exactly. Or even like even in like a more legal way that if I get like a speeding ticket, I'm like, let me pay you right now then. Yeah, yeah. $200 here so I don't have to think about this in a month.

Yeah, yeah. That is kind of an annoying thing to just, I've never gotten a speeding ticket. I got one once through a school zone, but it was, I was so fucking angry because I was going, it was like 30. And then for during school hours, it's like, you know, 15 or something. And it was like noon. So I'm like, there's no way at school right now. And it was an elementary school. And the cop pulled me over like, I was like, why?

It was like, you're going too fast. It's 15. I'm like, no. It was like, well, it's lunch. What if the students are going out for lunch? I'm like, their children. Yeah. They're four-year-olds.

They're not going to Little Caesars right now to their lunch shower. They're having snacks. And he was upset, so he gave me a ticket. And it was fucking double the price because of the school zone. I was very upset. Yeah, that's kind of, yeah. Well, there's also weird things with, like, one of the things that's funny is, like, I remember those statistics used to come out about school shootings.

And, like, you know some of those things where, like, those numbers were, like, somebody shot and then, like, one of them was, like, a bullet hit, like, a tree that was on a campus. And then it was, like, technically, there was a school. shooting. I was like, well, not technically. There's still are way too many school shootings. I'm all about, like, but it's just funny, the things that I looked up and I was like, oh, this is technically, like somebody who killed themselves in the parking lot is technically a school shooting.

I got, yeah, yeah. Or like, I used to have a drug dealer that lived within a thousand feet of a school zone, which would have, like, tripled his like jail time. Oh, yeah, you get fucked, yeah. I'm like, you might want to move, dude. Like, this could be bad. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that could be very sketchy.

Yeah, which is, yeah. How do you find drug dealers? Do you just know dirty guys? How do I find? So this one that I thought I was living in Wisconsin at the time. And I literally just walked to the college campus and started talking. Like I was like, do you guys know any pot dealers? Yeah.

That's how I just started asking. Have you? Oh, you know, you're not a drug person, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny because he's like, how do you know drug dealers? I'm like, just everybody I went to high school. Yeah.

Absolutely. All of my friends from back home. Yeah. You talk to any degenerate? Yeah. I, um, yeah, no, I'm not, I'm not a drug guy either. Yeah, yeah. It ends very well.

Have you done any drugs? I smoked pot. Yeah, that's not an edible. That's not a drug. Yeah, but so, no, not really. No. Yeah, I want to try mushrooms, but I feel like it's just such a long trip. I'm like, I, what if I have things to do for eight hours?

Start with a microdose. I want to do that. Actually, after this, we have to call and get some. I wasn't going to say the name, but I want to call, I want to call, and I want a micro dose. The city's got to be a scary place to do mushrooms, though. I feel like, I don't know. I would have to go out of.

Oh, you want to be like, you're one of those guys that commune with nature. Yeah, I don't want to be, like, having a closer relationship with a fire hydrant. I don't think that's a good point. I'm so connected with this guy who's shitting his pants over there. That's a fair point. Fucking fishing who driving my cab does not want to hear my theories on life. Yeah. Yeah.

That's why the microdose is good, though. You just take a little bit. It just enhances. You're feeling a little peppy, you know, got a little, you know. Yeah, no, I've been to two. tutoring and wrestling practice on a microdose. Did you learn better? No.

Did you wrestle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not that day. I was just getting thrown around the mats. It was bad. Some people were like, bro, fighters take a microdose. No, it was horrible.

Like, I take a little bit of mushrooms and I was like, okay, so I'll take this amount now and I'll just get kind of like a weed high. I didn't know how it really worked. But I was just so nice to everybody, and I just wanted to hug the guy. Yeah, I was like,

because it was club wrestling, so kids that were much younger than me. The listeners have heard the story. But I'm just like talking to the kids. I'm like, dude, You're going to be so good at wrestling when you get to my age. And it's like, these little kids are just fat or just throwing me around the mats. And I'm just getting fucked up.

But yeah. So is this like recent? No, I'm not wrestling with kids on mushrooms like a week ago. No, I was in high school. Yeah, in high school. But because it was club wrestling, I would be in ninth grade and there'd be like fat, seventh graders that would also be wrestling. Because it's weight class, not just on age, yeah. That's seventh graders.

Did you wrestle like all four years? Like, I started wrestling seventh, eighth, ninth, ninth, tenth, tenth, 10th, 11th. And then I just kind of stopped caring. And then, yeah, because I was like, dude, tournaments fucking suck. It's on a Saturday. And I'm like, I just want to hang out of my friends.

I don't want to fucking be here. That's the thing. You have, like, no, like, wrestler vibe. Yeah, no. I feel like almost all, like, wrestlers I knew that did it for a long time are very, like, uh, like serious and like stern. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

And you're, you're just like, like, Joe Rogan. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, I wasn't very good at it either. So, I mean, it was, I wasn't, like, terrible. I was like, I was okay. But it was like, yeah. I think it's the Florida in you too You just got this like laid back attitude

You're just like you know It'll all work itself out Yeah that's what I'm saying publicly But in my head I'm like this is a nightmare This is awful Yeah I had to take fucking a weird drug I'd take this thing called Sarah Quill I was telling you about that

Because my OCD was acting up I couldn't sleep And then I looked up and they're like It's also diagnosed for people That's like schizophrenia So like it's basically like for people To like just can't sleep That's why it's so funny people

Are like how but you listen to like A book on tape And I'm like I'm taking heavy sedatives Like this is not gonna fucking I'm not gonna listen to the Lord of the Ring and randomly be like, oh, I could sleep now. Yeah.

That's a, it sounds like you have problems. Yeah, yeah, no. I'm dealing with them like one by one. Like I stopped taking Adderall. I'm taking a month off drinking. You got to balance it out. Do you do that like every year? No, no.

I wasn't even going to do it this year. But then I just like had like my, I went to a bachelor party a week and a half ago. And it like wrecked my shit. And I'm like, I got to find a way to like manage my drinking in a way. Yeah. That's why I stopped. It's because the aftermath was not worth the enjoyment of doing it for me. Yeah.

No, I get that completely. This is awful. Dude, I went to an IV center twice to get water just so I could, like, into my body. Oh, really? Two people had hallucinations because they were so dehydrated. That's crazy. Jesus. Yeah.

It's crazy. I was the one that threw the party, though. Pretty good party if people's lives are destroyed afterwards. Yeah, good, dude. Where's saying? About what? Oh, no, wrestlers are maniacs because I started doing moitai, and people there are so fucking intense. Yeah.

But I think it's worse when you're, like, getting hit in the face. Oh, I'm sure. feel like grappling, like if you're grabbing onto someone, it's like, it still sucks totally and it's like demoralizing, but like just getting punched in the face so much. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No. And I think there's less like CTE stuff with like wrestling probably because you're just,

I mean, you're getting your head thrown in sometimes, but it's not the same as getting like punched in the face. Yeah, no, it's wild. But, uh, well, in Muay Thai and like boxing, like you get knocked down and then they'll let you get up and fight again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's wild. But, uh, but, uh, but, uh, I, I don't think I ever want to have, like, a fight. I just, like, doing it. Oh, yeah, yeah. And it was weird, too. The weight loss thing was crazy, too, because some kids would literally, like, be so cool.

And they'd just go jerk off in the bathroom and, like, you could lose, like, little bits of weight through that. Really? Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. I've never heard of that method in, like, in the UFC. But then they lost her testosterone a little bit, so they'd be, like, a little less. A little less good up.

Yeah, I remember I had a buddy that was a wrestler in, like, the, like, the days before he'd be, like, spitting in a cup just so, like, you'd be, like, swallowing his saliva. Yeah. No, it's definitely one of the least healthy sports to be doing. It's got to suck to do that. And like, what if you're doing that to make weight and then you just suck?

Yeah. Like you're just an awful wrestler. It's got to be crazy. Yeah. No, that's definitely part. And it's so funny because, like,

when somebody beat you and wrestling, it's like, if you play tennis and the person who loses you in tennis, you're like, okay, that guy's just better tennis than me. But wrestling, you're like,

no, that guy made me his bitch in front of, he's more of a man than me. And then you're like, you start making up a shit. You're like, bro, His haircuts is fucking stupid, though.

He probably doesn't get any pussy. That's the thing with the, like, I knew a guy in high school that wrestled a girl, and it's a lose-lose situation. Dude, I had to do that, and I left the tournament because I already lost two matches. Yeah, I left the tournament. I was like, there's no winning because it's like either you beat a girl and then they're like, well, yeah, you should have beat her, or you struggle and beat her, and they're like, well, you struggled.

You're still not a man. Yeah, you can't celebrate. You're like, you dumb, bitch. I fucked you up. Or you lose. and then you're not a man. Like, it's a lose, lose, no matter what. And either way, you get a boner,

and that's an issue, too, because the singlets don't hold it down enough. That's upsetting. Yeah, well, that is the thing, too. Like, I'm not going to lie. It's like, the whole school can just see your penis. So, like, you got to fluff it up a little. You're like, I don't want to be hard because I'm wrestling with a dude.

You don't want to up? Dude, isn't it? No. Isn't it great when you have, like, a, just like, a normal hang that, like, is more than normal? Oh, yeah. Half chub is perfect. Yeah, because it's still hanging so people think that's like your normal dick. Yeah, no, no, this is slightly hard.

This is almost its full potential, but he's looking good right now. Yeah, I actually had a urology appointment a couple weeks ago. Yeah, didn't you have to show him your hard penis? No, I didn't have to show him. He asked for photos of my heart dick. Did he have to put your penis in his mouth? What's that part? I have a follow-up appointment on Monday, and he's like, bring photos of your erect dick.

He's like, please, yo, please have him as like polaroids. Just like, have them. You can keep that if you want. I was saying I've always wanted to go to the doctors and put my dick between my legs and then pull it down when they go and just be like I left it at home. That was such a scary moment though when he did my my inspection. I don't know what this is called. Would it be funny?

That's so funny. Or I either want to do that or prostate exam and have another glove hanging out of my ass. That's from the last one. I don't know if those are sexual harassments or fun pranks though. I don't know where the line gets. I bet it depends on your doctor. Right? Somebody would be like, oh shit, this is good.

Or somebody could be like, get the fuck out of here. I'm a medical professional. Yeah. That's fucking. What were you saying? Okay, so you showed this guy your penis? Oh, no. And it was just, it was a moment of fear when he told me to take my pants down.

And I was like, because we're in the middle of winter in New York. Oh, yeah. So I'm like, fuck, I don't know what I'm looking like. Yeah, exactly. So he's standing right there in the room. So it's not like I can like, you know, rub it down a little bit or whatever. See, but on the, I don't care if a dude sees my dick looking small. Like, I don't really.

I'm like, what is he going to tell my friends? I don't know. The other hot nurses or whatever. I feel like they... I got a small dick right here. Dude, they definitely talk. Oh, yeah, there's no way they don't talk about it. Yeah, did they have...

If they see one that's like either like abnormally small or just like massive, and the next room they're like, fucking check out of the dick and stuff. They're human beings. Yeah, no, yeah. Well, no, because I also have gone in on Adderon that shrivels your dick. Because I had like a bump of my penis. And I was just like, whatever. They're just going to see it look like this.

And then, like, you don't know what he writes in your medical chart that all the other doctors are like small penis and then it's just like with you forever like every doctor you know is gonna say all right small dick so like oh that might be a good thing though because then maybe you look better on a day and the doctor's like he's like they're lying about you out there you should be come on you're dirty i'm gonna change this so right now i'm gonna update your small to medium size dick yeah he's a grower yeah give him time yeah that's are you gonna take do you think you're going to take like multiple angles of your hard penis for this guy That's what he asked for.

I don't know what to do because in the bottom shot, like my face is like clearly. Oh my God, that's fucking amazing. That's so great. How many pictures did he ask for? 25. From the top, from the bottom and from each side. So four.

Bottom of each side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you send like the panoramic thing? Like, you know, I'm talking about it. Send him a video. That's funny. Just here it is here. Well, it made me get so much more respect for porn stars, because I, like, I couldn't maintain an erection while trying to take the photo.

You ever take a dick pics before? No, I never have. Oh, dang. Yeah, I could just go through a log, and I'm like, yeah, I have this one here from 05. Not the best, but you date them. No, I told me, I used to have this thing where, like, I used to have a bit about it. Because when I was 14, I used to sex with this woman who was, like, 50 or she's probably 34 and just lived in Indonesia. As you do.

Yeah. And I said all these pictures through. like Facebook Messenger and then I deleted them. But in my mind, I was like, can I technically have, like, is that illegal for me to have my own pictures? Because I want to know how much I've grown since then, because you don't have any point of reference. Because your legs grow at the exact same rate as your penis.

I'm not aggressively looking for. I'm just wondering logistically. My favorite part about that is how you think that you were texting with a woman. No, no, no. We were very, she did like, I was like, do a piece sign, do this, so it was. Oh, is that weird?

Or was a guy holding a gun to a woman's head. They came to take the pictures. I don't know. I think, yeah. What a strange life you've both had. Yeah, yeah. I feel like, I feel like this is great. What, wait.

You went to Mexico that one month. Yeah. I went to Mexico a little school. That's crazy. Like, I've never heard of a doctor asking for, is your dick okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I have, I, I pee a lot in the middle of the night.

Like, I get to get up in the middle of the night to be a lot. It seems like it would be more of an intern. What would that have to do with your hard penis, though? You know what I mean? It's like, he has a headache. It might be here, our dick.

Look this out. I don't know. Maybe he just wants it for his files. I don't know what's going on. Does that? How funny would be there's a paper clip like of your file? And then it's just your dick pick over like the medical paperwork.

Well, he thinks it might be like a blood flow. I don't know. Like so I, listen, I'm just doing whatever he tells me to do. I want to get it's a dick thing. So I'm trying to get it out.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I get it. You got to get the dick fixed. For sure. Especially I'm single. I'm the fucking oldest one here. I'm the single one at all. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Yeah, your dick doesn't matter if you're in a relationship.

Yeah, for sure. I'm just kidding. No, they just have more patience with it. It's like, okay, I'm not getting hard today. It's just. Well, that's it. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. For sure. I don't know. I have to love it. I can figure it out. Make it do something. Do you not get hard sometimes with your girlfriend?

Well, I've had like the issue of like sexual performance anxiety where you get in your head and you're like, oh. Yeah. And he's on like, he's on like eight medications. Yeah, yeah, that's kind of the issue. But it's fixing itself. And I think taking the mouth off drinking will help too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Adderall, being off the Adderall.

Yeah, because that literally, no, that's the hardest part is like your dick doesn't get hard. So you watch, like, but you also become like a detective because you're so into whatever you're doing. So if you watch porn on Adderall, you have like nine browsers open. You have like all this shit. And your dick's not getting hard. So you have to like just keep uping what you're watching it. And as a guy who's currently on Adderall, I can attest to that. Yeah, yeah.

It's fucking, you just get so into it. And yeah, but you can't get hard. So it's, you're just, and you get like, I don't know, I've had like issues because your dick's not hard enough when you're jerking it off. It's like you have four skin because there's so much loose dick skin on it. Yeah. That got so indebt. Got very technical. But you guys, like, actually looked curious about what I was saying.

Well, that was because I have four skin. So I was like, yeah, it's like you have four skin. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, oh, it's like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you lose a lot of weight when you stop drinking?

Yes. Because I've heard that like every time that someone stops. They immediately lose like 15. pounds. Yeah, for me a lot of them. I mean, I drank like six beers last night. It's like, that's so much why, dude. Yeah, that's probably. I mean... I was in a party. Oh, big beers?

Like, or Budlights? I lied to myself. They're IPAs. They're double IPAs. Like, I only have... Yeah, yeah, it's a lot. You're having a fucking half pound of fat every time you do that. Yeah, yeah. Another reason I stopped drinking. Yeah, yeah. I was just like, I was like really into trying to like get fretted in like

college. It does not help. And it was not anything. I used to hear that almost annihilates a workout. If you get hammered after working out, I've heard, because you're sleep, like, I've heard it's like almost, it's not pointless, but it's like very, yeah, yeah, it's like, yeah, it's like, great, but for me it's confusing, though, because I know so many yoked people that have drinking problems, but I realize they're also doing massive amounts of steroids. Yeah. Because there's a very, very big, like, Guido culture at Florida State just because like the South Florida stuff. So there are people that are like bartenders that are just alcoholics,

but like they also just do so much steroids that they, they balance it out. Also, I think it's, I think it's easier to maintain once you're shredded. than it is to like get down to that level you know well the move is to get fat and then start lifting weights it seems like because then you have that instead of like losing weight and then gaining muscle because like it seems like it's easier for people to turn fat into muscle than it is to totally just put on weight because i know thin people that try to get yoked and like it takes a very long time compared to fat people who yeah i think that's just like the body types though like fat people can gain anything easier versus like people that just stay skinny like it's hard for them to gain weight, it's hard for them to gain muscle. Yeah, dude, I've been like 145 pounds for like seven years. I was 145 pounds in seventh grade. Yeah. I think I was like probably like 120.

Like I'm a small man. Yeah. But the right side is I also, it's like hard for me to like get fat. Like I have to really let myself go to start like getting like a what's called like a belly or anything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because also like for me it was like I was put on Adderall all through high school and it decreases your appetite a bunch. And then in college I started taking it just whenever I felt like I needed it. So then I just, you gain all that way back. Your metabolism is all fucked up.

I was, I wrestled 145. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What an insult to Michael's body right now. No, I got fucking fat.

When's the last time you were 145? High school. Yeah. So it doesn't make sense that I'd be shocked that yet. You looked like that in seven years. Yeah, yeah. No, it was nuts. I had abs.

It was different time. Yeah. Wait, when did you meet your girl? I think my girlfriend wants to have sex with a high school, me, even though he was a child. That's fine. You met. I want to have sex with that. No, no, no.

She's a picture of me. She's like, damn, you had fucking abs. Really? Yeah. That's wild. Wait, you met your girlfriend at Florida. In college, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah.

Is she still hot? Was she hotter before? Yeah, yeah, no, she just is hot. She, yeah. I think she got hotter because she was, like, kind of like, I like a little bit of weight. I think she was, like, almost too thin when we first started dating, and then she started gaining weight, so.

But, like, but, like, as in, like, the right amount. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Oh, I've had way worse things said on this podcast, so it's open the floodgates. What are your true opinions on other?

Yeah, I'm sure. No, I like, I'm a fan. I feel like me having a girlfriend makes me more mean to just random women now, though. Oh, yeah, because you have more details. You're like, no, you're actually just being a bitch because. Yeah, exactly. I was like, yeah, you're just a shitty person. Yeah, yeah.

It helps you see through a lot of stuff. Dude, that was the thing, too, is I used to be so, like, so like in high school I didn't really give a shit and then my sister got older so I started getting like a little bit more like not feminist but like more like let's treat them with a little more respect but then I got to this weird point where I was like you should have talked to women

like I was this weird like over correction and then my girlfriend's friends are like yeah no I would totally want to fuck that guy's dick off and then you're like oh okay you could talk this way about them because they talk this you know what I mean like I completely changed with that because like there was like a I don't know there's this weird month period in college that I was like respecting women is what you know I'm not

You know what I mean? Like, I'm not for disrespect. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. To their face. Yeah, exactly. It's like you don't have them on like this pedestal anymore. Yeah, yeah.

It's like they're just, yeah, exactly. It's fucking like me, except, you know, gross. Less perverted, yeah. Yeah. It's a weird thing. Yeah. Strong take. Yeah, exactly.

I love it. I, uh, so I work in a mail room and it's like three dudes. And so we would just talk like about the women in the office, like very sexualized and, you know, horrible things about, like, what we wanted to do, or did you see her looking like that, you know, never to their face or whatever. And then recently we're doing construction on our office, and I had to go into the women's restroom to hear something. And I could hear everything that happened in the middle room. Oh, yeah. So you realize you were saying, like, oh, dude, I'd eat donuts out of her butthole.

Yeah, exactly. And then, like, they could hear all those details. Yeah, they heard, like, who I would fuck, who I wouldn't fuck. Like, she, yeah. And I'm like, basically. Great. And it made... What's got to be the funny part, too, is there's definitely hot girls that maybe you wouldn't fuck.

And they're just listening to, they're like, oh, Ivan thinks he could fuck me right now. I wouldn't let him eat Cheerios out of my pussy or whatever he's saying. It put so many looks from women into context. Yeah.

You're like, why does everybody hate me in my job? I was so... When I realized that, I was so happy about COVID because it basically put, like, no one's in the office for the last year.

It just hit a year reset button on like all of our relationships. Yeah. I'm fucking... It was really. ridiculous. Yeah, no, that's the words when you find out people can hear every fucking thing you're saying. You're like, I said horrible things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why it's so much fun hanging out with, like, other comics, like, just like in, like, a green room or somewhere separated for normal people. Because you can just say the worst things ever, and everyone's like, oh, this is fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why it sucks, like, that there are comics now that are, like, shitty about those things. Because, like, you shouldn't say that. I'm like, you know what I'm doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly what I'm doing.

Yeah. You know, I don't blame. I never blame some like random middle-aged woman in Ohio for not getting why people can make jokes about a school. Like I get her being bothered by it because you don't understand how it works. But if you're a comic, you know how it works and you know that a week ago, you probably made some similar. You know what I mean? And it's like. Yeah, exactly.

And even if you didn't, even if that's not like your style of comedy, you know that this is a thing that gets done. Yeah, yeah. This is like me just trying to like work shit out. Or I'm just like talking, saying something awful to try to get like a laugh from like the group. Yeah, yeah. But you're also like you're trying to make people, you're not trying to make people feel shitty. You know what I mean? You're just trying to, yeah.

That's a, that's not a good scenario to have to just try to hurt people's feelings. Yeah, yeah. But so it bugs me when other comics are like, well, you shouldn't da-da-da-da. I'm like, well, if I don't, then like it puts it on this other level that's like, oh, that's so awful, we can't even talk about that. Yeah, yeah. And I think it down to regular shit. Yeah, exactly. And then you can't have like a system, like a mathematical equation.

You're like, well, technically slavery was worse than the Holocaust because this is, you know what I mean? It's like, you can't break down things in that way. And it's like, yeah. You have to make a stupid analogy. comparing it to something else. But that's also the thing, though, is if you're specific people care, if you're not specific people don't care. So if you just said, like, some kid die, it's not. But then you specifically say, like, oh, you know, this specific high school.

And then people are like, well, now it's horrible. But you're like, we're talking about the same thing. Yeah, and that place isn't even real. I just made it up. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. And that's the thing, too, because it's like, people got really mad at certain people, like, I guess Louis C. for the Parkland jokes.

But it's like, you know how many people died in the Holocaust? It's like, more kids died in the Holocaust than Parkland. So why are you? and he made Holocaust jokes for years so it's like why, yeah. Well, once you're the bad guy, people are like,

yeah, it's easy to pile on. No, and I've said this to you before. I'm like, if people are against him for his like jerking off stuff, I'm totally,

I'm like, dude, yeah, it was gross and like whatever your opinion on that. But then to be like a comic and then judge the material, it's like we're talking

about two totally different issues. Yeah, exactly. And also, you can't, he's so funny. Well, he's just so good. What's so funny too is, is like,

you guys know Roman Polanski the director or whatever. liberal people will constantly like defend Roman Polanski's like you have to separate the art from the artist even though he blah blah blah with a younger woman you know? Yeah yeah

And then it's like but they're the same people that are going to attack Louis CK Oh yeah dude Jimmy Hendricks threw a glass bottle at a girl's face. I'm like that is pretty fucking bad but like everybody will wear that or like John Lennon shirt like John Lennon beat his wife and kids

Yeah dude Mike Tyson To be fair to John Lerner Yeah no he raped a woman And then Mike Tyson also beat the shit out of like three hookers while he was like hot, he was speedballing. Nice. Yeah.

To be fair, they all deserved it though. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I've heard those kids are pretty bad kids. Yeah. Yeah. But I think we're just going to call out there. Where can they find you,

Luis? Luis Lopez is here on everything. I'm on TikTok now. I post a lot there because I'm young and hip. And that's it. At Ivan Buster on Instagram. Ivan and B-B-U-N-S-T-E-R. Fuck yeah.

All right. Take it easy, guys. Thank you.