Morning Good - More Numbers! - Episode 311

Episode Date: April 19, 2026

Levi White and Joe Gorman join the show for today's episode. They talk about how comedians get into heaven, how to take a porn break, and how to be a freedom of speech warrior.Thanks to Joe and Levi for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes, they've both been on a ton so there's plenty more to see and hit their links down below for even more.Joe is on Instagram @joewgorman and hosts the Super Selli Joe's podcast. Levi is on Instagram as well @levithewhite and has a new podcast called You Pick The Movie with co-host Jess Levin. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to the morning. We're here with Joe Gorman and Levi White. The boys, dude, we're back. We're so back after a week off. I took a week off. Yeah, how was that?

It was great, dude. It was literally just lazy. Isn't it nice to take a week off on like you don't have to like talk with your friends and be funny? Well, I just didn't have time. I do like, I do like talk. I love like I was so excited about doing this today. Yeah. But I was just in Florida and I literally, I just got fucked up at a water park and did not move my career forward even an inch.

Which water park? People are like too worried about their fucking career. Like I can't have any fun. I got to fucking grind. I got to work on my career. It's like, okay, we're all going to be dead. That's how I fuck the feel. Like I'm going to be fucking dead.

We're going to be dead. Soon. Yeah. And like so many people are. in a rush to put out. I'm listening. Yeah. So many people are in like a rush to put out like content. Like I got to get my special out. And it's like, well, guess what, dude? In like 20 years, everyone's going to be forgotten. And like you're still going to have like that shitty little special. Yeah. Nobody cares. Don't rush it, dude. Just like when it's ready, it's ready. And comedy is such a good. I think like for comedians, comedy is their world. Yeah. But for like, you know, Joe Schmo out there with their nine to five. Like it's like, oh, that's a nice little like reprive. Yeah. Your special is. You know, you're specials. going to mean nothing. They're going to remember that one time they licked that girl's butthole at the beach and then their special is

so not in their brains. The most you can get is like, oh, maybe they'll be like, oh, I heard like a funny bit and they're like, what was it? I don't know. The guy was cool. They're like, still not Gabriel. Try saying it. They'll be like, hey, just got to watch it. He's all right. There will always be like a fan base,

but I think the idea, because we've moved so far away from a monoculture where like everybody knows, like everyone's watching the same shows. Everyone's Like, you know, it just doesn't exist anymore. Yeah. It's like people like what they like and they find their chambers on the internet where they can find that. And I think comedy has become so insulated because of that.

Yeah, yeah. No, I agree. And I think it's like, when I say we're like, I'm working really hard now that I'm back in the city. But I'm like, I don't regret a single bit of fucking around it in Florida. It was got to. Oh, that's great. You got to fuck. We're going to be doing this shit the rest of our fucking lives.

Yeah. What's the rush? Like, you don't need to have like, I was like, I was like, I'm not in a fucking market. on Tuesday, so if I fucking do comedy every night, I get into heaven when I die. That is one of my fears I get into comedy heaven. God's like, you were so close. He's like, you left that

one show. Two more spots. If you barked a little harder, maybe I wouldn't have to damn you for all eternity. He's like, I literally set the Netflix representative that one show and then you decided to get drunk and go see the new Jurassic Bark movie and you just ruined everything. Yeah, that would be my fear. If I got to

heaven and God was like, you're not even fucking close. I'd be like, whatever. It was a fun. And he's like, these guys are getting in. It's like all these shitty comics. The ones that like go to open mics on like Christmas Eve and shit. And it's like, dude, apologize to your fucking parents, dude, and drink some eggnog. What are you doing? He's doing one of those things. He's like, yeah,

see, your, your algorithm, you got to post three times a day. He's like, you're posting like once a week. What are you? You got to get those numbers up, man. Dude, three times a day is like, you're literally, you're back to life. Try. again. More numbers.

I got a post. I got to record this. Is anyone from out of town? Marriage, wedding anniversary? What's happening? Three times a day, if you post three times a day,

that's literally opening your asshole to your follower's mouth and just diarying. There's no way you're both. Nothing good. Unless you're a hot lady and then no matter what, you should post your tits three times a day

because that's something people are always. Or maybe post your bathroom breaks if you're a real one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Hey, what's up? I'm Carla. I'm going to take my third shit of the day.

Let's do this. Yeah, yeah. You should shit down your followers' throats if you're a woman. Shit down our throats. Or on my face or chest. Yeah, it's kind of lazy. That's okay. Yeah.

The chest thing I never understood. You never got a Cleveland Steener? Well, I've never been into poop in general, but you always hear, you know, took a shit on my chest. Yeah. Well, I think this is like just a funny video. I get dick or mouth. Yeah, it is kind of a funny thing.

It's like, I don't think that shit. I think it's like just like a big fucking joke. Yeah. It's like I, I'm sure there's like a small and like if anyone is going to be the people watching your podcast. Yeah. Oh yeah.

We're like obsessed with like borderline sexually assaulting you in the comments. Yeah. But I would say like it's like there's got to be like, it's got to be like 0.000000 1% of the population is actually into like scat play. Yeah. I've said this before. I'll turn it on, you know, once a month. Not once a month.

I'll say once a year to just kind of see if I'm still in it. I'm like, the idea's hot, like a woman doing something dirty. But then you watch it and you're like, no, no, not for me.

It's like a band. I tried out. What's the closest you've come to scat porn? Scat porn? What's like the most, what's the most enjoyable non-vanilla porn that you like right now? Most enjoyable non-d,

I mean, I watch, I watch peace. I watch fart stuff. I watch... It really sounds like a four-year-old. Yeah. I watch...

Pee-Pee. Boom. And the boss. When women make boom-boom? But then I'll do like a cleansing day where I just watch like naked, retro hairy woman and then I'm like, and they're just posing. Or like, it'll be just like hairy moms. And I'm like, she looks nice and okay.

She looks like she's giving me. She looks like she's being nice to me by getting naked. Like it looks like she's not uncomfortable. She's doing you a favor? Yeah, yeah, yeah. she's like, oh, you ever seen this before? I know you need this. Yeah. But yeah, I don't watch a ton of that stuff.

But I've watched women take dumps here and there on video. And I'm like, but it's the same thing where you go, this is just a mess. And you go, this is, uh, this is not. But I also have like a cleansing day. As I said, I have a cleansing day. Occasionally just throwing some lesbian. So like your cleansing day, you're still watching porn. You're not like taking like a little tolerance break from just fucking jerking off

and watching porn. It's like, let me watch something that's like a little less tab. But, like, not even like, maybe I'll look at like a bikini fucking photo shoot or something. It's like, it's still porn. Oh, I might as well jerk off to a picture of my father at that point.

I mean, come on. That's not even porn. Now, that's a reset. Yeah, though, I think,

I mean, I went like four days last week without any porn or jerking off. And I was like, yeah, but people act like it's this thing where you have this like tolerance and you're like more and more and more. But sometimes you're just like, nah,

I'm just bored now and I want to kind of, I will say this. I take Adderall and I watch just a lot of porn. Oh, I mean, Yeah, that's not a good use of the drug. Yeah, now you're using like performance enhancing drugs to fucking get a bigger kick out of porn. No, well, I'll say this.

It's like, look, if I'm taking Adderall, I'm going to jerk off separate or together at least two hours. But then those other six hours, like, dude, I flew in. I got so much shit done. I think I wrote for like an hour and a half yesterday. What'd you write? Just like jokes. A little story? A little story, yeah, yeah.

The boy who wants to tug. That's what's your joke writing process like? I'll do like 30 minutes of like whatever free stuff like just kind of write my thoughts down and then like 30 minutes if I have like a good day 30 minutes of like seeing a specific bid and be like how could I expand this?

But I also like I just got back to that I mean I didn't write at all for like a month and a half. I mean come on man we're not gonna we're not nerds we need to write. I'm not going to sit by like a candlelight with a fucking quill and a fucking scroll with my thoughts dude.

I'm like God's gonna tell me what to talk about on that stage dude. You know? It's meant to be. It's meant to be. You ever see somebody like, right before they go on stage, like scratching stuff out? I'm like, it's fake. It's like, like, it's completely fake.

Yeah, like that's, it's always like these intense like black and white photos of somebody like in deep like almost like like like fucking like fucking meditative state like just like fucking writing. And it's like, dude, you're going up and like what what fucking brilliance do you have that's not about to go out? I'll fix that. Give me one second. Don't worry about it, dude. Just stay in the moment. Dude. You got to get.

It's in frame now. You gotta get a fucking intern to help out. Oh, yeah. Get one of those kill Tony retarts to do. Yeah, dude. Just get like someone to offer them like opportunity. Oh, a lot of exposure. You know, that's the brass ring that people like to do.

Me exposing myself to you. Want to be an intern? You got to look at my dick. I do like Michael's lighting system, though. It's very professional. It's not happening, dude. We're going to get this in post, dude. Don't worry.

We had a nice little flow going to. until God had other plans, dude. Deep writing process. I haven't written a joke, like a joke, like a regular-ass fucking setup joke. I don't know. Months. Dude, I haven't, like, you know how like some comics are like,

here's a fucking notebook. Here's my, here's like my seventh notebook for the year or something. Or like they have like, you know, a fat stack of like notebooks. They show it, show how hard they've been working. How much, how much genuine, I mean, I guess like it's important to get like thoughts out there,

but pot, like, that's like, you know, that's the equivalent of like, doing podcasts that's like going up and like riffing and recording that set or you know just taking time you know everyone has a different process I think that's like the funniest thing is like everyone's trying to unlock

like that golden well here's the equation yeah this is what's gonna fix it all it's like well and I think it's like a part of our society is just like well you work hard you'll figure out the exact process and anyone can do it or you might be the least funny person in the planet who just writes like like

this is like oh this is like well you can tell like those comments that, you know, have like those very structured, like, they just, like, they write and like, they force themselves to be funny by just, like, the volume of writing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's like a thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters

given an infinite amount of time or recreate the works of Shakespeare eventually. Yeah, yeah. That's so, like, they're like, if I just keep writing, eventually, if I feel like dozens and dozens of notebooks, I'll have a solid, like, 10 minutes. Yeah. And there's people like, you know, they understand like the,

da, da, da, da, da joke structure type shit. You know, it's out there, but, yeah i i prefer to just suck on titties at a water park damn suck down tennies on a water park bro i got this is this is one of the best days of my life you had sex at a water park or you sucked on no because the the front cabana didn't close so i uh what was his name darren oh yeah hairy nipples too oh yeah we got clogged up a little bit no dude i had like it was really like i was in that riding mode where i'm like i need you which I'm back to

now that I'm back here but this woman's like literally like she's like hey do you want to go to Volcano Bay Water Park in a L. Hell yeah. Which I've wanted to go to forever. You drive by it. It's just a giant paper machine. Not paper machine. What the fuck it's made out of? Concrete? Concrete volcano. Just on the side of the highway and I was like, I was like, I don't have any money.

And she's like, I'm going to pay for the whole fucking day. I'm going to pay for everything. We're going to get a cabana. I'm going to bang you in the cabana. And I'm like, this is amazing. That's crazy. I was like, this is. is the best day ever. So we go. The commandant front doesn't close. So we couldn't really, I could just suck out some tities. And we're just fucking railing ketamine and going on water slides all day, dude. It was awesome. That's correct. Why would you ever leave Florida? I guess that's.

Well, because I was like, I wouldn't get anything done if I was there. Who cares? What's the point? What, you're going to fucking grind in New York for like 20 years. So maybe in your 50s you would once again be able to rail ketamine and suck on tithies? You're sucking on tithies and railing ketamine now. He's doing at the same time. He's doing MSG soon. He's doing great. Nah. That's a farce. He got that.

He got that by being out of New York. He was in Texas. That's true. The night before I did kill Tony, I did get completely hammered with a random Venezuelan guy by the pool. And then met some girl on field. And, uh, yeah. And he's like zero preparation. But I mean, I did know in my head.

Like when I was Venezuelan did a little shaman dance around you. Give you good luck. Oh, yeah. You got in the zone. Yeah, he was like describing his life. It was so funny. Yeah, so basically I work in construction every single day forever. And then I work at a nightclub at night, you know, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

And then I'm just getting blasted by the pool. That's why it's really funny. You look at some people and they're like, well, you know, I would have a couple drinks tonight, but I would want to be productive tomorrow. And you're like, these fucking Venezueling guys are getting fucking wasted. Yeah, but like that's a lot of work, man. That's like an awful work-life balance. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I think it blows it out all in that four hours by the pool. It was funny because some words don't translate correctly. like our buddy jumped in the pool and then we're joking around about there being pee in the pool and I was like, oh, El is Perverto, like he's a pervert and I didn't realize that to some people

that means like an actual sex offender and the guy's like at the pool with like his daughters and bikinis. He's like, oh. Elis perverto? I was like, no, no, no, no, no. It's Chista. It's like, is chiste, is like,

is chis de, he's like, is chis demerto? And I'm like, this guy's like getting ready to like cover up his daughters and bikinis. I was like, no, I don't really know. No, no, don't cover up those old things. Don't do that. Come on, Daddy.

Share the wealth. Share the wealth with old Michael. I'm a Kill Tony superstar. You got to give old Michael as a little taste. Well, this is before, look after Kiltony, I would have grabbed it. I think even then you knew.

Yeah. I think even then you knew that. The energy is still out there in the universe waiting to be focused on you, dude. This is true. I should have just taken the men's daughter, but like, this is. This is mine.

Prima nocta. That's sick, dude. That actually wasn't a thing, by the way. I thought it was a thing. No, it is. it is it is Trump can come to your house and fuck your wife

everyone can if you call prima nocta like you have no choice it's like all right all right hey I am I am calling prima nocta I used to have a bit about that

the idea of Joe Biden come to your house and just reall in at your wife hey Jack give me that woman yeah he's just you're like stop he's like shut up man

shut up will you shut up man he was such a fucking goofy old guy he was wonderful Joe Biden he was like a harmless crazy old guy no yeah He's definitely a crazy old guy, sniffed hair.

Yeah, okay. A little horny. Who isn't? Yeah. You know? Trump, mega horny. Mega horny.

But he's funny. He cracks me up, which is awful. But he also stops talking about his horniness. You know, I think before he was like, yeah, you could grab by the pussy,

lots of models, all this fun stuff. And now he's just like, I love the Bible in your head. Well, he's a father. He's been a father for a while. Oh, really? He's a born-again father.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I was a piece of shit father. Now I'm a non-horny father. Yeah, I don't know. I wish he went back into the Trump roots. I wish he'd just knock off all the Bible stuff where he keeps talking about Jesus

and then just started being like... Well, it's hurting him now. Yeah, yeah. Because everybody was like, you were the Jesus guy and now you're saying you're Jesus. They don't fuck with it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we only have one king.

Jesus Christ. That's why I didn't participate in No Kings Day. There's one. I'm sorry, I have a king. We got a king. Maybe you've heard of him. Pretty, pretty chill guy. If you look into what he's

done for us. Do you think he was funny? Because I'm just feeling... No, I think he was a fucking door telling people like not to... Yeah. No, Jesus absolutely was funny as shit. You think he was a fun hang? He's a charismatic leader, yeah. That's true. You'd have to have some jokes to get people like... But he wasn't funny he was a charismatic leader. But he was like...

He was without sin... He's kind of funny. He's telling us like not to cast a... Healing lepers? Gross, dude. Yeah. Like, come on. That's a nasty thing. He's actually reversing the work of God. God wanted those people to be gross. Yeah. God wants you gross. Yeah.

That's why God killed him. Yeah, he's just like, stop fucking, I wanted that guy to be blind as shit. Now you're fucking everything else. What are you doing, dude? You're fucking up my vibe. Put his nose back on? What are you an idiot? You're fucking stupid.

You're supposed to be like surfing on the water, dude, cool shit with the wine. You know, you're fucking... What you just should have done more cool shit. He just, like fed people. He walked on water and was like, what's up? Yeah. Dude, do something like fucking crazy cool, you know? Yeah.

I wish he turned into animals, like an animorph, Jesus. That would be awesome. Like, the Bible is like a cover of an animorph's book. It's like Jesus slowly turn into a dove or a lamb, right? He's always called like a lamb. But then like Satan has all the cool shit like a serpent. Yeah. The great serpent, the beast.

Baphomet looks sick. Like the one with the horns, the goat stuff. Yeah, dude. I'll grab my sense. Give me one second. Yeah, all the fucking, all the fucking demons and shit look cool. Yeah, they look cool. That's the thing.

But apparently like the biblical version of angels, they're like a bunch of wings and like eyes and shit. They look all crazy. You know, there's not some little fucking cherub. Oh, that's why he'll get into about the angels being aliens. Oh, damn, everyone's fucking zin and out, man. Oh, yeah. Look at this, this addiction, dude. You can't get enough.

I really can't. But the angel things, yeah, I don't know. It is weird because, like, always in the movies, the bad guys look cooler and the Bible, the bad guys are cooler. What is that? Is it that, is that us appealing to Satan? Is that Satan trying to be cool? Like, yeah. I think Satan's just fucking cool, dude.

I don't think he's trying to be cool. God's like upset with it. He's like, God damn it. Why didn't I think of black wings and a fucking horn? Because it's like, when you think of like, like church music is like, you know, it's like just like fucking like, ooh, you know, fucking boring shit. But then it's like satanic music. It's like fucking metal. It's fucking cool, dude.

Yeah, it's cool. Like there needs to be like, I mean, there's Christian rock, but that's not. They need Christian metal, dude. Yeah. It's out there. Yeah. Oh, really? It stinks.

Yeah, I bet. What's that, what's that music type where it's like, you know, Christian men, but like they're fat with beards. They wear flannel shirts and they play acoustic guitars. Like there's like a, that's like the new thing with Christianity right now. It's like they're kind of like invoking like the 2010s folk revival type shit. I don't like that at all. That was like a weird ass time. That was like the last hurrah of white culture before it was like permanently destroyed.

Yeah. I just, I don't know, with any like a G.G. Allen, which his name is actually Jesus Christ Allen. That's cool. That's his real name. You know that, right?

That's his real name. G.G. Allen's name is Jesus. But the listeners don't know. I thought it was short for good game. Good game. After he shits and throws him to people, he's like, good game, good game. Good game.

Good game. Good sports, guys. When I punched your wife in the face through diarrhea and her, I thought she was going to be not cool, but, you know, that's what you get when you go to. You're like the G. You're like the G.

You're like the G. You're like the stand-up comedy. going crazy. Do you think he was upset after show just like my stool was too loose? If I had a solid turd, I could just get like a nice hand full of it. But it kept slipping through my fingers like sand

through an hourglass. Yeah. It's like agent is giving him like a better diet to eat. You got to get more fiber so it clumps up more. Like that's what you need to do, Gigi. Let me just fill the listers. So Gigi Allen was a punk rock guy who would get naked on stage, shit on stage, cut himself on stage, throw the shit

everybody in the audience, start fighting people in the audience. And, yeah, I don't know. I think there's probably something, too. Opiates are, like, really bad for your, they get really bad constipation. So I'm sure he had some, that was the real downfall of his career was the opiates. Not because of the addiction, but because he couldn't produce shits anymore. Did you ever, like,

listen to his actual music? I kind of liked it, but I like Bide at you scum, but I don't think punk, punk's too low produced for me. It fucking suck, dude. And it's just like, it was like, it's like, oh, look at this fucking insane guy. But he's just going to go on and inspire, like, other fucking shitty fucking weirdos.

Like no actual artist is going to say like Gigi Allen is in like their top 10. I'm like, oh, it's cool, but it's like... But I like performance, sorry. I like people pushing the boundaries, doing crazy stuff. But is it like pushing the boundaries or just being edgy for the sake of being edgy? Oh, it is. But those

kind of go hand in hand. I mean, with him, it's pushing the boundaries, but the people that follow that, they're just emulating it. For the sake of it. Because it's like, you know, like George Carlin and, you know, he got arrested for obscenity. Yeah. You know,

as did, why am I fucking blanking about that? Lenny Bruce. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So, but now like,

that's going to be like you. I got arrested. I got arrested when I said there were only two genders on stage. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, there's only two genders, you know.

And I said, white lives matter. And they're like, all right. Like the cops were like waiting. They were waiting for me to take me off of the wings at the West Side Comedy Club. Yeah. The,

the odds is just clapping. Cops start flooding the fucking tiny cupboard ready to arrest me on my controversial takes on things, dude. Just get it beaten with sticks. It's a very dangerous time to be a white man in America. It's scary stuff, man. Yeah, we're in the middle of a white holocaust. Yeah, yeah, dude, they're really taking us out.

It's a white holocaust right now. Look out the window. Jesus, Christ. I mean, they took out Kirk. They took out a... I guess that's it. Yeah, I guess it's it's it almost took off like one ear of old Donnie. Yeah.

Somebody wrote a good point. Why does he not have a scar from that? Because it wasn't fucking real, dude. Yeah. It was 100% a stage assassination. Still fun, by the way. Thank you, Trump. It was a very cool.

Like, we all got excited for a minute. We're like, oh, shit. I might see, because, like, I'm 40. I'm going to be 42. And, like, I've never seen a fucking president get killed. Yeah. And I think that's really common. I would love to see a president.

I would love to see like a president. Like, oh my God. Like, what if his head exploded, like, in scanners? Oh, that would be amazing. He's like, he's like saying like, oh, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, it could be, it could be the next president, you know? But they're just up there like blah, blah, blah, blah. And like all of a sudden their head explodes.

That'd be fucking cool. Yeah, it would be pretty sick. Yeah. I was like excited because, you know, like, I think I was like having dinner with, or I was having lunch with Kelly. And she got a text from her friend and they were like, they shot at Trump. And I was like, oh, fucking crazy. It sucks, but it is a reaction.

Like, there's a part of me that's like, I think the war on Iran, all that shit's terrible. But there was a moment where I was sucking on tidies of the water park. I'm like, what if New York just got bombed? And I, because that would have mean... Then you could stay in Florida. Yes, that would have meant, it would have been bad, but it would also meant I made the best decision by doing it. So I could, if something bad is happening after you leave a place,

there's a part of you that's going, I made a smart choice, even when you made a dumb choice. Like when San Francisco financially collapsed during COVID, I was like living in New York and I'm like... That's why I left. Yeah, yeah. Well, like, I was also thinking, like, I mean, because like during COVID, I was like, should I, like, stay in New York?

you know, because I'm like, I'm paying like all this money to live in a fucking apartment, but I'm not leaving the apartment. And like all the stuff I want to do is like not really happening. But I knew if I moved back to California, I would never come back to New York. I'd come back to visit, but I wouldn't. It's like I had like this opportunity. So I knew it's like I'm going to tough this shit out. Yeah.

Stuff's going to reopen. And of course it did. Yeah. Eventually. Yeah. And now it's like, that's something about the summer, dude. I like left. I was gone.

I've been here for like 10 days in the last like two months. And I'm like, that was a great decision because it was fucking cold. And now I'm back and it's warm. It's great. Well, it's going to get a little cold again. Man. Next week. I burned all my winter clothes.

Okay. I mean, I put all my shit in stores. I put the AC units back in. Yeah, I did all the things. Oh, shit. I got to do that. Yeah, I did like all the things that I like, I don't know. I do that with clothes where I just dump them deep in my closet because I'm like, I'll

never need these again. And now I'm like, oh. Yeah, I only have like one pair of pants right now, not including these. Really? Yeah, still least for my dad. You only have. two pairs of pants. Yes.

Why? Because I'm kind of poor and I don't... You're not kind of fucking poor, dude. You're fucking... You're poor. Your dad's the CEO of Exxon, dude. How are you fucking poor? My dad is the CEO of Exxon.

Carson Good is the CEO of Exxon. There's no such thing as a poor white man, dude. That's true. That's an urban legend. That's what the urban youth tell. You all heard about the pole white boy, right? Oh, Lord, don't tell us about the Polwap Boy.

Jamai, you're going to scare these children talking about the pole white boy. You get your asses to bed. Yeah. Cool, dude. Buy a pair of pants, Michael. Come on. I got to get pants. Treat yourself, dude.

I also got to get insurance because I talked to them about it, and they made it seem like I couldn't get it, so I just hung up. Your job doesn't give you insurance? I don't have a job. You have a job? I thought you had a job. No, I don't have a job. I work part of it. time for my cousin, just like admin work. He gives me

like $200 a week. Didn't you have like a remote job for a while? You're always like making calls, making deals. Yeah, well, I moved to commission instead of salary and then we lost, I didn't lose it. We lost like a big deal. And then I went down to like, for two months, I was making no money. That's why I, the Kiltone thing was kind of funny because my boss is like, why didn't you, why don't you shout out on Kiltone? I'm like,

because I haven't worked for you guys in two months. But now he's like you can do a little, what's it called? Like, you can do admin work. I'll give you like $200 a week. but when I was pretty good that's not bad no no I mean I kind of just overlave everything Florida was great because dude one of my friends works like a tree cutting service and so I love doing this dude just during the day I would just pick up sticks and that sounds bad but it was so fun because you're just hanging out just you're this guy climbs trees with like spikes in his shoes

with chainsaws and I see that shit yeah like they have like a little harness around them yeah shimmy up and yeah I don't know dude that seems scary and for him for me I'm just picking up sticks. And I was like, this is great, dude. I mean, like, for him, he's probably, like, just another day in paradise. Oh, yeah. He also had, like, a crazy awareness of where the chainsaw was going. Or he didn't care about my well-being. But the chainsaw would, like, miss my head by, like, a foot. And I'm like, he knows what he's doing. You know, I will say, like, it, it sucks having a job, but it also sucks not having a job and not having structure.

Because I was, there was, like, a year and a half where I was, like, unemployed. So it was, like, in, like, you know, 2012 when the fucking job market was just shit. Yeah. You know, so I was like having like a really hard time finding a job. And of course, like my boomer parents were like, just walk into a place and fucking shake their, you know, you go in there. You shake your hand and you say, Mr. I'm not looting until you get me a job. And it's like that world doesn't fucking exist anymore. Yeah.

You know? And now I have a remote job and like they don't think it's like an actual job. You know, you're like, how is that working? It's like, well, I take calls. I answer emails. I do all this through my company issued computer and I, you know, you know, the team is like you might not be as productive working from home, but you are going to work at that company longer. I, yeah.

So it's like they get more yearage out of you, but they get more. I feel like I'm more productive because like I know how much I need to do. So I do a little bit more than I, than I need to. So it shows I'm productive, but not so much that it looks like I can do far beyond my means. And I think that's the balance. Yeah, that's where I fucked up. Yeah, that's the that's the thing. I got to set like I set the, I set expectations very low when I start.

But like, I've been. this job for like 12 years. Yeah, you show up first day and you got to act like you don't know how to hold a pencil. No, that's like... And then the next day, you're like holding the pencil a little better. Maybe you're stumbling with the pen. And then by the end of the week, you're writing on a computer and you're finally speaking English correctly.

And then, because, you know, they're not going to fire you day one. But they, you know, they got to... Yeah. And then I made the mistake of like, first day of a job, I'd take a a fuck ton of Adderal and just be really productive. And then just, I was like, I'll never be able to do this much work again. Yeah, you burn out immediately. Yeah. Yeah, what you really want to find is a boss that sees the potential in you.

And then you keep letting him down a little bit. And he's like, but I know it's in you. And you're his little project. And then you have a couple of good days. Once a month, yeah, have like a good day. Yeah. Where it's like, oh, see, this is, I knew you could do this. I knew you could.

I knew, I knew you would come through. And then you're like, I'm back to shit. All right. I'm good for another month and a half, you know? Yeah, I'm genuinely one of the least competent people to have work for it. I've learned this. I'm like, I've worked so many different types of jobs.

I could pick up sticks. What's your ideal? So your ideal job is to pick up sticks? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the problem is I keep going delusional. I'm like,

it's probably like another fucking month before I stumble into some money. And then it just hasn't happened for months. Uh-oh, what are you going to do? I'll figure it out. Like,

I mean, like, what do you do for, like, to make it, how do you pay rent? So we got like $200 a week from that admin work.

Okay. Then I will sell plasma. Okay, so you're at like a thousand bucks right now with that. So like 200 bucks every week. No, that's 300 bucks with plasma. So, okay, so 300 bucks every, so you sell plasma every week? Yeah, 300 bucks. And then fee picks, we'll give me another 100.

It's about like 400. And then show pay. I'd say I make probably like four or 500 a month from shows. Really? That's pretty good, dude. Oh, that's really good. I think I pay about $150. to get on stage.

Yeah. Yeah. Pass me at their clubs, you fucking gatekeepers, or I'll kill you. Just kidding. I'd take away the just kidding. Just pass him or,

I mean, do you think this guy fucks around? You're literally killing a man by not passing me. Yeah. Yeah, you should do that thing where you write like the guy did at the comedy store

where he killed himself and then wrote like, this is all your fault, Mitsich Shore or whatever. Do you one of those? Like how would it, that's how you really win in comedy. Yeah. I mean, like,

Mitsy Shore ruined a lot of lives, though. Yeah. I read Joe Rogan once a week and I say, I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to kill you Joe Rogan and I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. I'm going to shoot a bullet and it's going to go through my head and then into yours. Yeah. I'd be pretty crazy. And then he's going to read those and then he's going to

do a whole episode about how important I'm. He'll probably AI me on there. So it's still a Joe Rogan that I'm there. I love my favorite. Who's that guy that did the George Washington thing? Was it Glenn Beck? He had like a George Washington basically like agreeing to us go to war for Israel. That's awesome. I

I still want to do a podcast like that. Israel wasn't even a fucking thing. Wait a minute. He didn't even know what a Jew was. Israel didn't exist until like 1994. Yeah, he just wards it in a way. He's like sometimes. It's like Jurassic Park is older than fucking Israel, dude.

Yeah. It's just goofy. We're flying too close to the sun, Michael. This is going to get just demonetized. Yeah. Speaking against the motherland. Have you ever gone? To Israel?

Have you got a birthright? No, I'm not Jewish. I went twice. Yeah? Just to get some Jewish, some Hebrew pussy. Just to spread a little HPV in the fucking promise land. Yeah. There's been an AIDS epidemic in Israel.

What's happening? One man. Two penises. That's my AIDS penis. This is my non-AIDS. That'd be funny. Two dicks, one just got herpes on it. The other one doesn't.

The dick of life and the dick of death. A yin and yang. of wang. You have to decide which one has AIDS and which one doesn't. One penis always has AIDS. The other only has life. Yeah.

I've, uh, I don't know. Yeah, the AIDS thing's crazy because it really doesn't seem like, is any, nothing's a big deal anymore. Everything's just fucking cure- everything's just a fucking pill. Yeah. Yeah. Baldness, you can go to fucking turkey.

Yeah. Arrectal dysfunction. You can take a little blue chew. Now I do have listeners and wheelchairs. I'm sorry, we don't have anything for you. Wheelchairs? No, you can, stem cell research is going to fucking restore that shit. That's true. I was hoping bionical legs would be a thing by now. It's kind of wild of all like the shit

they're approving, like with peptides and, you know, changing up. Like, I'm really surprised they haven't clear the hurdle on stem cell research, which has shown like beneficial fucking things, you know? Yeah, I think they've cloned people. I think they've, I mean, like, they've used stem cells to like

regrow missing limbs, fucking organs and shit. Yeah. You know, and if we're so against, like, human clone, and it's like, well, why don't we just, like, clone, like, the body parts we need, you know? Yeah. Like, why don't it's like, oh, I'm fucking, I need a heart transplant. It's like, for, for, like, $50,000, we'll be able to extract some cells from your body and use that to clone a fucking heart.

Yeah, but it's so much cheaper to just, like, kidnap, like, a poor chick from, like, West Palm and then take her out to the island and just cut her heart out. But I want, like, a fucking pure heart. Yeah, yeah, she's already been passed around a little bit. What a fuck. virgin heart. Yeah, yeah. Give me a fresh one.

Fresh out of the fucking tubes. Yeah. That's why I don't believe any of the adrenochrome stuff. It's like I think, I think Jeffrey Epstein's eating a guy, but I think he's done that just for fun. I don't think he's done it.

Yeah. I mean, they probably like, they probably like hunted someone for pleasure. Oh, for sure. You know? Who would be a celebrity

you'd want to hunt for pleasure? Ooh. Yeah. I don't want to challenge like the rock or something. Oh, come on, dude. I guess like, you know what's funny. I immediately thought,

like Miley Cyrus. But make it more of like a torture kind of thing where I tie her up and tickle her. Yeah, that's it. That would be so funny. You get tied up. You think you're just going to get brutally raped and they just tickle you. And you're like, you're like,

you're tickle torture. But you've seen like those porn. That's the porn that someone's watch where they have like the woman's feet and like a vice and like a giant feather. And she's like, uh, and she's getting like tickled and shit. You see that?

Yeah. Yeah. I've seen it. I've seen a lot. Okay. Yeah. Well, don't act like I'm weird.

You're like watching people shit and fucking piss on themselves. I'm watching somebody be mildly tickled. Yeah, yeah, I'm not judging you on it. I just, uh, I wonder, they're probably, judging it a little bit. Judgy, dude. Probably feels good to be tickled and to come at the same time. I should try that. Depends. It can be a lot.

Tickling, it can be uncomfortable, too, though. It's weird. Yeah, but that's probably part of the rush. A little bit. Yeah. Goochoochoo. Yeah, I think it's, uh, I don't know, that's something I haven't tried yet. Thanks for, thanks for all my mind. Yeah, dude. That's what this podcast is all about, expanding minds.

expanding but holes. Yeah. I'm trying to get a nun on this podcast. A nun? A nun? Describe my week to a nun and have her give me some feedback on it. She would be like,

Santa Domingo. I get a holy water on you, it starts burning. Yeah. That would be a funny, yeah, I get a nun, but then it ends up just being

like some like Colombian lady who just doesn't speak any English. I'm like, this is probably not the best choice. Jesus? Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

You believe in Jesus? He is back. He is back. He is back. He is. I have a theory on this, though. So they put him on a bunch of meds and his last album sucked.

I think we had him at a 10 before. Let's crank up down to just like an 8. A little bit of meds to Kanye. Not too many meds to Kanye. Too many meds makes him unproductive. Not enough meds makes him a Nazi. So we need to like just below Nazi. Maybe like a little anti-Semitic Kanye, but like, you know,

just undertone. I mean, like he could just like, he could just like, could just like put his, like, he could still like dog whistle on Instagram and shit. Yeah. You don't need to, you know, to be like fucking fully fledged fucking Nazi, you know? Yeah. Like, yeah, like a song like where it was like, Heil Hitler. It's like, dude.

It's like, it's like crazy that like. So good. It's funny, like an unhinged Kanye West is just like an edgy fucking high school sophomore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I wrote a rap song. It's called Heil Hitler. Can you deal with that?

Yeah. Fuck you, mom. Fuck you, dad. Heil Hitler. Well, he did everything too that he redid it It's hallelujah And I'm like

You should eat But it's just clearly dubbed over You should have been like Used to be singing Hal Hitler Now we're singing Hal Hitler Like it should have read on the whole He just doesn't acknowledge the other

Yeah you need some sort of You got to acknowledge that shit You know maybe maybe in like a year or two When he can be more introspective on everything Yeah like it'd be funny Because he just went from like I make Nazi music to I don't make Nazi music You gotta have a part where you go

I made Nazi music There's got to be a balance There has to be a balance Yeah I think he'll be dead in five years probably. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

Yeah. You're speaking truth to power? Why not? Yeah, that shows you how unpowerful the Jews really are, because Kanye was just running around doing that for like... Oh, yeah, it won't be the Jew. He'll kill himself. Well, I think, like, they're also like, no, let him say it because he looks crazy.

Yeah. You know? Oh, that, he's a maniac. Yeah, yeah. No one's going to believe he's actually saying a completely accurate statement. just kidding that and Yahoo please don't kill me in my sleep I saw that did you see people are saying Netanyahu's dead that was that was a rumor for a while but I haven't seen him post lately

I've been seeing a lot of it because like AI videos of them and shit I haven't seen him post on thread poster yeah he's a shit poster yeah I don't know it's wild what does BB mean what does BB mean it's like a fucking term of endearment for the J-O-O's. Okay. Yeah,

because people start call him BBB recently. Yeah, like, Bibby. It's Bibby. Okay. I think it's like, it's like,

it's like, I mean, I don't really speak Yiddish, but I think it's like a term of endearment. It's like, what, what is it?

Like, grandmother's like Bubba. Bubby. Okay. So they call them Gramps, grandpa Yahoo. Probably,

you know. Yeah, that was a real shame that's such a fun name. Netanyahu. Yeah, it sounds like a water slide. He's from him. He's from Jersey.

That's what I thought, too. So he lived in Philly, but he didn't, like, he's not from there. He's from Israel. Nobody's from Israel. That's true. It's like, all the people that are like, I'm from Israel. It's like, okay, but you're like a fucking white person, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And like, when I see Israel, it's like that fucking shit's in the desert. You should look like fucking Aladdin, you know? Yeah. What's wrong with you? You look like a fucking beautiful white person. Not a fucking terrifying brown person, you know? So what's going on there? Yeah, it's true.

you should look like the place where you're from. Which is why I say, go back to where you're from. You should really go back to where you come from. In fact, maybe all of us. That's what Country Roads is about. John Denver is like, take me home where I belong. Yeah.

To the place I belong. Only white people. Yeah. Israel. I am Hamas. Take me home. Netanyahu Yeah, what's the, if you're like a white supremacist, what do you feel about

the mixed races? Do you want them to like split time between? Yeah, yeah. Get a little time share. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go back to Africa, three months out of the year. Yeah, you can't really be yeah, I don't know. I don't know. What's due with you guys?

Fuck, dude, just thinking. Yeah? Thinking. Do you guys have a good Easter? fucking incredible Easter I forgot Easter happened Isn't funny? You didn't celebrate it?

You didn't go back? No, dude I don't do anything for Easter Good for you, dude I mean like what You don't have kids, right? Your family around? They're all Florida

You have like a religious family? Not really. Yeah, there's no fucking reason, dude. I barely like For me Easter was like the Easter egg hunt and then like once like I turned eight I think we're like all right this is run its course.

They still do it and everybody lets me keep the money and the things because they know how poor I am. So it's like I did one with my sister. So like your fucking elbowing little kid. Yeah. My sister, I'm like, a dollar, a dollar. My sister's like, let him have it. There's a nickel in that.

He really needs it. Do you have a younger sister? Yeah, she's five years younger, yeah. Oh, wow. And what does she do for a living? She works for Marriott. Oh, really? Yeah.

Like the front desk type shit? Like time share sales. She's a scam artist. Oh, nice. Nice. Yeah, yeah. I would buy that. And she has kids?

No, no, no, no. So where's this Easter have? What are you asking? I think you know what I'm asking. Dude, I would love for... I'd be a part of the good family. Dude, I would love that. Dude, how fucking cool would fucking Christmas be?

That would be so amazing, dude. Yeah, dude, we're just like doing ketamine in your fucking garage and while I'm actively cheated on your sister. This sounds amazing. That's a great, dude. Like, her boyfriend's like a nice guy. He's good. He's interesting. He's got nothing on all JG, baby.

No, that would be amazing, dude. I'm going to tell Kelly she'll understand, dude. She's like, well, if it'll bring you closer to Michael, I'll step aside. Dude, you coming in as Santa Claus just like drug down? Yeah. Oh, ho. Oh, I'm on drugs. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. Florida just sounds like a paradise the way you describe it. It's amazing, dude. One of my friends, I will say this, he's big partier. And I want to give like a semi-intervention and be like, but his life is too sick. Yeah. It was like I was making- He's my.

And I don't need an intervention like that until like you're in your 40s. No, I also can't go to his house and party a bunch and then be like, hey, you need to. Yeah. Like is it after I made out with the girl. I'm on vacation, but you? Yeah. You got a problem. So for me, this is fine.

But for you. Yeah, yeah. There's no. I guess I guess a place where I was like a little concerned about somebody, but you're also like, I don't know. I don't, I don't know. I want that I tried to get my friend a Coke intervention. He's like, oh, no, you think I have a Coke problem?

He's like, who's bank account? he think the money's coming out of. Who do you think gets the hangovers? Yeah, duh, I have a coke problem. And I was like, I guess I could just go that way. Yeah, I mean, like, he's aware of it. You know, and I'm sure, like, hopefully, I mean, like, honestly, like, acceptance is the first step. Yeah.

Seems like, he's accepted that. So at that point, like, if he wants to get help, I think he can. Yeah, and he's sober now, and I had nothing to do with it. So, I don't think I really... Some people just, like, grow out. Like, I feel like I outgrew drinking. I haven't had a drink in, like, three years. Yeah, yeah.

I don't miss it. But that's what I love about you? You don't, like, you ever go around somebody like just stop drinking? All they talk about is they're like, oh, that stuff right there? Yeah, no, that makes me less productive. Dude, no one cares. Nobody cares. Like, I get a diet Coke at the bar.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, like, then, like, they're like, why are you doing Coke?

It's like, well, I love Coke. Yeah. I love, I love, I like doing drugs like without like, I guess like not so, but like sober doing Coke makes me feel. People say it's so much better. Oh, it's so fucking good. I feel so productive. I'm so aware.

I feel funny as fuck. I feel sexy as fuck. It's like dangerous, dude. I love doing Coke. I love doing like a sober little bumpski. And I'm like, oh, my God. If I had Coke and I'm like, I have a day at work, I won't bother making coffee.

I'll do a fucking line before work. I don't give a fuck, dude. It feels so good. I hate how good it is. I had to delete my, I had a Coke dealer. His name was Dr. Snow. And I had to remove him from my, I'm like, I'm gonna fucking hit up this guy like all the time.

Yeah. I'm in my, I can't be like a fucking Coke guy in my 40s. No, but this is my thing too. I go everything based on happiness. So I'm like, if you seem happy, I'm not gonna tell you to stop doing anything. You know what I mean? So these guys are like, uh, you see him, you're miserable.

You're like, yeah, maybe. But then, uh, I don't know, people devalue happiness. Like, I'm a very happy person. And I'm like, yeah, that's why I like the way I live my life. But then some people like are like, I don't know, they're just on edge all the time. And I'm like, eh, you know, whatever. maybe I'll live in a home with shelter. In the words of the immortal Joseph Campbell,

you have to follow your bliss. Yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah. You have to follow your bliss. You have to, you know, what makes you happy?

Is it stand-up comedy, doing drugs, sucking on tittyes at a water park? It's that simple. I don't need a sense of, I mean, I have a sense of community, but it's like,

yeah, I don't know. I don't really feel like I need. But the thing is because standard makes me happy. That's why I'm like, okay, let me write a bunch

because stand-up's not fun if I don't have a new joke. Stan-up's fun, like, up to stand-up is like kind of a drag, like, commuting to a fucking gig or, like, waiting to go up or, like, the writing process, or, you know, even open mics can sometimes be a drag. But, like, when you're on, being on stage itself,

even if, like, I'm bombing, like, I'll still prefer that over anything else. Yeah. You know, it's just nothing like... I try to think of that, like, as I'm bombing, being like, I could be in a fucking meeting at work right now. Yeah. What else? Like, what's the alternative?

Yeah. I'd rather, I'd rather... Because, like, the worst thing is, is if you ask yourself, what if, you know? Oh, what if I just focused on comedy, you know? It's like, why don't you? You know? Yeah. We only have one life.

It's almost over. Yeah. We're going. I got like a month left. In fact, at the end of this pod have like a in loving, in memoriam. Dude, we'll add it. It's like a black and white photo of me and shit. You know, he's like, all right.

Thanks. And then like, it's like, a second or two of just a black screen. And like it fades in of like a black and white photo. And it's like J.G. And it's like, we don't know when he. was born, but he We didn't bother to look into it. I'm not gonna fucking look into that shit.

I'm gonna pull up his fucking Facebook page. Get the fuck out of here. No, but we'll actually do that. Send us a good picture. We definitely will add that. Yeah. Yeah, no, I, uh,

people forget that stand-ups fun. It's the most fun thing in the world, dude. Yeah. And like, it's like, it's this weird thing where, you know, there's like, gatekeepers are like,

you shouldn't have fun just like, it's a business. It's like, all right, well, it's like, if it's like, why don't you go be a fucking accountant?

Yeah, It's like, oh, if it's a business, how come there's on an HR department? Yeah, how come I can sexual harass every single waitress? Oh, you harassed her. I harassed the fucking audience. That's a good way to do it. I'm like, look at you, sweetheart. What if I fucking use that mouth?

Yeah. I put my cock in it. It's just like your boyfriend. Maybe I'll kill him. Yeah. Everyone's like fucking clapping. It's comedy. What's the matter?

You're afraid of a joke? I'm sorry. It's like a freedom of speech. I don't know. First Amendment warrior here. Like, you're a real Rob Schneider. I am. Yeah. You watch that even recently?

It's so funny. What happened to him? So, guy, like, said something. He's like, you don't have to like it. And that's the freedom of speech. That's why I get the free, this way I get the big bucks. That's why I'm up here.

You want to, like, be where I'm at? And then you're just like, what? You can just do all this fun, racist characters on Instagram, and nobody would care. Well, it's like, it's also funny because it's like, damn, I guess that's like Adam Sandler's fucking boy still. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Which, you know. is also, so that means Adam Sandler probably feels that way as well. Yeah, maybe. Well, he hasn't been like, man, what a goofball. He didn't pull like the impersonal Seth Rogen thing where he claims like Rob Schneider was actually never my friend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That shit sucks. When James Franco was just being cool. Yeah. Dude, giving these women the night of their lives and then evil fucking anti-Zionist fucking Seth Rogen

is like, I didn't even know that guy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right, dude. Yeah. He probably smelled like pussy seven days a week. And you're like, that was the thing too with him. He went to our school.

Franco? Yes, he gave his speech at Florida State, went to a paternity house, and there was just a line of college girls. He was just banging out, which is so funny because I picture his speech just being like, you guys need to seize the moment. Take risks, take chances,

maybe sleep with the guest speaker. I don't know. Like, you just get there to fucking fuck chicks. That's funny, dude. Hell yeah, dude. Franco's the fucking man, dude. Yeah, I don't care about any of that, dude. I'm like, I mean, if he banked the 17-year-old,

I'm like, not cool. but I'm not like, I'm not like what, I don't really care. Age of consent in Florida is like what, 15? Probably. Fucking savages, dude. I mean, fuck, like New York. We say like New York is like the ultimate metropolitan fucking area. You know, like this is like the consensus of America.

Age of consent, 17. Yeah. A high school student. Yeah. Yeah, Anthony Coombe took one to prom. Didn't he go to prom or something? Jerry Seinfeld was a prom. Jerry Seinfeld.

Yeah, he took his little big boobied 17-year-old girl to prom. Jesus Christ. What's the deal with prom? what is this? What's the deal? It's so why they do. If somebody bangs a 17 year old, I am like,

I do think it's gross. And I'm like, it does change. It sounds like it sounds like it. It changes my opinion of you. I'm like, you're a gross guy. But I'm not like,

you're tearing the moral fabric. I'm not like, you're not the, I'm like, that's gross and weird, but I'm also like, I don't think that you're like, I don't know,

this whole thing you're like, can you believe this guy banging? I'm like, yeah, I don't know. He's a weird guy. I'm not like he's like, I, uh, when I, when I first moved out to the East Coast, I, I, uh, I moved into a place in New Jersey with a friend of mine from San Francisco. And like the first night we were at the, uh, our house like kind of getting settled in. He was like, dude, the best thing about New Jersey is like that age of consent is 16. So if I go to a part and I wake up next to somebody, I won't have to be like, uh, how old are you? And I'm like, that's nice. I'm like, bro, was that like a fucking concern before? Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

that is wild. I wish you disclosed that information before I signed a year lease. It's just always, he's like, 16, she's good. Yeah. Yeah, that's a different level. Like, either, any level is bad. I mean, like, anything like into like, I don't know.

For me, 21 is the youngest I would go. But you have to be like, yeah, you got to be like old enough to at least go to a bar. Yeah, and I'm like, I don't like buy you fucking drinks, you know. And I'm also, it would be case to case. Like, if I saw a 21 year old that looked young and seemed immature, I'd be like, no, I don't want to fuck you. Because I want to feel like the,

one that's... Uh-oh, but if you see like a 15-year-old that looks very mature for their age, you might stick a finger in their mouth.

Exactly. Yeah. You might put a little Aziz Ansari. Yeah. Remember that? Yeah, he put a finger in a... He put a little baby sure.

She's like, he didn't clean its hands. They never cleaned their hands. Yeah. She was just racist. He just got done taking a shit on the street and then he put his fingers

in my mouth. My God. It's making all this jumbled mess street food. He's a goof, dude. Aziz. I remember when he, he got like soft canceled and then he came.

back and he's like, all right, instead of wearing suits, I'm going to wear a band t-shirts. They wear a Metallica t-shirt. Oh, look, I'm wearing a Metallica t-shirt. Is that what a rapist would do? Probably. Probably. I don't know, Aziz. I can't imagine wearing a suit on stage. I'm like, somebody's like, you should wear a suit for Kilton. I'm like, how about the fucking no to do one minute on stage? I'm like, I don't, not wearing a fucking suit. Unless it like ends up looking like a costume. Yeah. It looks real weird. Like, I would say like if you're at like radio city or like a theater maybe but then like that goes

against like your brand too. You have to start in a suit. Like Louis like peak Louis C.K like before we had to do like all this whole like I'm sorry I fuck you know all that's like apology tour. Like when he was in his prime like shameless and stuff, uh, he was just wearing like a black t-shirt and jeans. You know he was being like it was like his genuine true self.

I just don't know why if your job is talking about butt fucking and you were like I'm so excited to get this job where I can just talk about butt fucking and retarded people. then you're like, I want to wear a suit to work. You're like, what the fuck would you want to wear a suit to work if that's your job? The whole point is a fun fucking job. Right. I'm telling you, I'm going to start going flip-flops bathing suit, dude.

I was wearing that the other day. I was like, gee, this is me. Yeah, dude, that's why I wear joggers all the time, dude. It's a way to go. Yeah, I got a real, I get in huge arguments about the no shorts on stage thing. I'm like, it really, it ruined the show. It's an old fucking mindset. It's just, you know, it's another gatekeeping thing.

But it's like this, like, it's like comics in the 80s. We're like, don't wear shorts on stage. Yeah, they paid a whole $20 to come here. Yeah, I can't. Because back in the day, the whole goal was to get on TV. So they're like, you need to look like you're already on TV. Dress for the job you want type mindset. But that's just over.

Yeah, that doesn't matter. It's like, you can like get famous like outside. You know, I think influencers have shown like you can get famous. RIP, by the way. Yeah, RIP. Clab overdosed on GHB and then said he's done stream. because he has to do drugs to stream. Oh, that, that, yeah, the closeted homosexual.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Respectfully. Good for him. Just be gay, you know? Yeah, damn. I don't know. You need drugs to stream. I need drugs to get through life, buddy. Yeah. So, uh, hey, it gets worse.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what he's going to do if he's, I don't know. It's like, uh, I mean, he probably made like a pretty penny. Yeah. Yeah, he's doing fine, I'm sure. Yeah, I mean, he could do just modeling. Ooh. I guess. Maybe.

I don't know. He did some GQ thing and it was like, look a pretty, look pretty fucking hot. Yeah? Yeah, he's looking like a sexy boy. It's weird. It's weird. But he's not 21 yet, so I went back. Oh, it's not. What drugs do you say he was doing?

Oh, he's doing meth and GHB. That's not bad. I mean, whatever. I would have tried GHB because it's my theory. You know what? There's people that do meth and GHP and aren't making a lot of money. It's just true. So, people are like, you should try GHB because it's a date rape drug.

and I'm like, if I could be so fucked up that I wouldn't care there's a hog in my ass, that sounds like a good high. Yeah, it's like I'm just doing it in the comfort of my apartment. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just going to look, I'm going to put on a little Futurama. I'm going to take a date rape pill. Yeah. I'm going to fucking chill.

I'm going to call a couple guys. See what happens. Look, dude, there's food in my dog's water bowl. He's good, dude. I'm just going to fucking trip out. Maybe I'll get raped by a man. Maybe I'll get not. Yeah, it's a good way to look at it.

Yeah. That's what happens, dude. Yeah. I think it's easy for us to say this is like three men. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, as a woman, you just shouldn't take GHB. Maybe you should. Maybe you should have you're a little too yappy.

Yeah, you know? Go to sleep, would you? Shut up, bitch. Yeah. I'm trying to watch a dinosaur documentary. Shut up. I'm trying to figure out what happened to these fucking things. Where'd you go?

It's an actual true story for me. Oh, really? like I'm trying to watch that was that that dinosaur documentary that's on uh Netflix it stinks I'll tell you what yeah it doesn't hold a candle to the Apple TV Morgan Freeman yeah I watch a little of that you can hear his dentures falling out yeah it's like he's up there man sold the shit you know he banged his granddaughter yeah who hasn't you know how could you resist dude those are good genes yeah far enough away removed it's not like that big a deal that's the same thing too somebody fuck of their cousin I don't care about that either

By the way, let me emphasize. How hot's the cousin? These are things I wouldn't do. I would not bang a 17-year-old. I think it's morally wrong to bang a 17-year-old. But when a celebrity does it, it's not like rocking my world. I'm not like, oh my gosh, dude. It's not the biggest scandal in the world, but it's...

Gross. It's not like gross. For that way, yeah. I like me an old bitch. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Give me an old bitch. The older I get, the more I'm like, I want to see, you know,

I want to see some. ferricose veins on your legs and your tits. I like those freckles they start getting where it's like a little bit like their skin is just like melanoma. Yeah. Yes. I like that. They're like melanoma, the sun's just done with them. They're like, we're trying to take you out. You shouldn't still be here. I'm like, that's hot. Yeah. That's nice. Well, how old was your water park queen? She's 37. Your mermaid. All right. 37. Big old fake tits. Oh, fake. Was you have a picture? Yeah, we'll show me after there.

You can either put it right here or you can show me after the pod. Yeah. He's sucking on it like a fucking baby. I mean, that is not far off. She rass him up in a towel, so he's like in swaddling clothes. I want to go into Waze Whiffel. Michael Peepeepee. Really not far off. Really not far off.

That's cool, man. Dude, she was like, insisting you're going to be like, I'll pay for this. Which was, I was like, I'll go negative in my account. I got no money. But she's like, no, no, it's hot for me to pay for this. And I'm like, okay. Oh. Nice dinner afterwards.

How'd you meet this woman? I met her one of those guys parties that I was like, yeah, I definitely can't give this guy intervention after he gave me the best week ever. So she was partying too?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. Yeah, party machine. Bring in the ketamine to the water park. I trusted it. Yeah, it was fun. I'm just like listening to Eminem

while just taking like bumps in the cabana. And then the fucking the second I started sucking out tidies of the attendance. It was very funny. The woman checking us in. She's like,

we'll get your servant. I'm sorry, attendant and ready for you. And I'm like, oh, yes, you will. This is my water park. Get over here, young man.

Yeah. I mean, it's great. It's like, I mean, I still am like, this is a volcano. Like, I know it's like,

we talked about this before. It's like, Disney World, I'm like, that still is a castle you built. I mean, I'm all for the D.C. Forest Station of Florida

and just make it all deep parks. I mean, it kind of is. Yeah, keep a couple swamp there, but you know, it's all, it's like swamps and fucking concrete.

You move all the all the of the all at once. You know, you don't have to go digging through the woods, It's like permanently warm in Florida too, right? Oh, yeah, basically, yeah.

It's like there's no, like, snow or anything. No, no. Yeah, it'll be fine. Just move the alligators, just, you know. Kind of gaza strip them over. Are we going to relocate to Florida now? I do have a dream of moving there one day again. Moving back as a hero?

Yes. It kind of a nuisance. I like the idea of being a nuisance to the local town. Ooh, a little bit of a burden? Yes, they're like, ah, he gets to do that. He's Michael. He gets to throw up at the fancy restaurant. And I have old Scarface speech.

I'm like, oh, I'm the bad guy. You look at me. I'm the bad guy. You don't have the balls to be like me. Time to fuck the bad guy in the ass. I'm having my special dream if anybody wants to. It's just a big pile of ketamine. You fucking put your face in it and pull it back out.

Yeah. She's completely disassociated. God damn, ketamine's great. It's awesome. I like it when you start to enter the K-hole. Yeah. I love that. I know people get scared of it, but like,

that's how I know I'm having a good time where it's like, oh, I just need to chill for a minute. it and just detach. Yeah, you try to fight. Dude, I was out, I was talking about this a couple weeks ago. I was out one time, I was on ketamine, and there's this bar where there's all these separate rooms, and all of them were right in front of me, like, there were doorways, and I would just take a step, and I'd just be in that room that's like 100 feet away.

I'm sure my brain was just blacking out, and then I would be there, but I'm like, I'd like to find out the science behind this. I don't know. It is something, you know, I'm taking a step back from all this stuff. I say this every week, and I have the same week, but I'm like, you say it every week, and they're like, I was sucking on tittyes, doing ketamine. That fucking volcano valley. What other fucking is going ahead of me?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm also like, what would you do? What would you do if you had that much fun in front of your face? Yeah, I don't know. I like the way I live my life. What would you do if your child was home crying all alone on the bedroom floor because he's hungry? And the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money. Whose story is this?

You ever heard that? That's 3-6 Mafia. Oh, okay. I was from Hustle, flow. You know, it's hard out here for a pimp. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. I let myself listen to rap for like 10 minutes. Because I'm like an hour and then I'll just go delusion. You know what you're like? Yeah, I'm the fuck. I am a black guy. You become my little gangbanger. I'm going to say the N word. Here I go.

Here I go. You're like, God definitely meant for me to be black. Like I'll think that list. You think so? No. Dude, I know God meant for me to be white. Yeah. I know in my heart, dude.

I know in my heart. Like, I'll look at other races and I'll be. like, that was not God's plan for me, baby. Yeah. I was meant to be a white man living a white man life. I grew up in Leavenworth, Kansas, in like the suburbs. Yeah.

Like, I would ride my bike around the block. Like, that is some white guy shit, you know? Yeah, but you ever see a porch and you're like, I belong on that porch with a 40. Oh, well, like, no, I belong on like a porch looking over at people with 40s. If I'm on a porch, it's like one of those, like, a cracker barrel porch with like a rocking

chair. And it's like it has like, like the mesh screen to keep the bugs out and shit, you know. And we got like that big electric bug zapper, you know. I got an old hound dog sleeping next to me, you know. Fireflies, gently illuminating the light. Oh, perfect. That's nice too. That's a white person porch.

Yeah, I look at races and I think, either black or white. I don't really look at another one. But it's like, I want to be black for like, no, no, no, no, that seems bro. Not at all. I would never want to be black for 10 minutes. Maybe, maybe. Only for common. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, but yeah, for comedy, it's great. Comedy, it's like a cheat code because black people are, like, the only comedians that can be goofy and cool. Yeah. And, like, and unfortunately, white man's burden, you got to be goofy or cool. You can't be both, you know? Yeah, and it's, I got to stop myself in comedy when I, like, as I said, like, listen to rap before said. I'm like, no, turn it off. I got to listen to, like, I can't look like this.

Yeah, I'm a cool guy. It's like, I'm not a fucking cool guy, dude. Come on. No. You can be fun. Yeah. a fun, chill, I'm chill. Yeah.

I'm not cool. Yeah. You know? Yeah, it's a weird delusion when you listen to rap for like 20 minutes. You're like, okay, I can't. Like, I'm just getting too. In my head. Yeah, yeah, it's fun.

Like, you should live in that world a little bit. Like, once a day, you're like, yeah, like, yeah, like you do the laundry. And you're like, yeah, I'm making shit happen. I'm making these stacks. And then, and then you go, okay, that was fun for a minute. You're like folding your underwear, like, yeah, I'm a gangbanger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just briefly.

And then you go, that, I can't. be that gay. I mean, there's some cool aspects of black culture, like do-rags. Yeah, it was a pretty cool. I got one right in there. Actually, that's... Put on your do-rag, dude. Show everyone how cool you are as a black man. As a proud black man. The only time I listen to rap, it's usually

like rap that makes me feel bad about being white. Yeah. Because it's not like, I'm the fucking badass. It's just fuck all of you. There you go. Oh, look at that. Come on. I like how you kept it tied so that way you can

just like the guy who just loosens a tie so he doesn't have to retie it. Yeah. Shit, man, you look good, man. I don't know. I appreciate that, man. Yeah, man. I think if I was a black guy,

I've been one of these ones. We've got a deeper voice. Yeah, I'm a black guy, man. I'll leave a voice mail like this sometimes. Yeah, man, you got some money, man. Hey, man, can I borrow, like, $100? It's really funny. You do it, old black guy voice, but that's actually

me a week ago. That's how I just out. In your K-hole? Yeah, all the time, dude. It was like, fucking, I had literally seven people owe me money on Friday. Nice. And I got at the point where I was, like, asked my little sister. Because I just had to pay rent.

And I was like, and then finally I got it. And then, like, everybody paid me all at once. And I was like, oh, this is great. But yeah, I am the guy who asks for $100. So don't tell me you can lend me $100. I'll get it back. But actually, I was very surprised. Some guy who borrowed $100 for Coke paid me back.

And I was like, you know what? Nobody would have believed this happened. That's they paid you back for Coke? Yeah. why not dude i mean like i've ideally it's like well not being said like i always have an emergency coke supply yeah but aside

have it like strapped my thigh the snowy day jar just in case like in case of immense need to do cocaine smash glass i have that with benzos where i'm like just have a zanax for like if she really hits the fan let me just not care about it like you know and you get a car crash

and you're like all right let me just be on bills um we're at a fucking hour i mean it blew by It fucking flies by with the boys, dude. Are you fucking kidding me? It does. What a blast. I always feel like we cut Levi out of the conversation. Oh, that's fine.

This is what I do. Okay. All right, sweet. Levi got some fucking bangers, dude. He's a sniper. He'll just fucking... Yeah, we also had like a great conversation while you were fucking with the lights and running to go get your Zins and checking

out your do-rag, dude. Like, we hold it down. We got to go a little repertoire going, man. Yeah, my whole plan is like, I'm going to do a whole episode out of Zins and it didn't work. You can't do that. It's so hard to... You know what?

That's the other thing about drugs. it's also hard to not do them. Yeah. That's probably the worst part about it. I try to take a break and I'm like, how the fuck is this so hard? I went like fucking like 23 years without doing this shit. Yeah, yeah.

Like why is it hard now for me to fucking, you know. Well, I think it's that initial thought where you're like, what if I did? But then you could be like, let's just see. I know the idea is to go see how long you can go. Instead of being like, because I was like, okay, I'm going to take a month off drinking, which I do all the time.

And then I was like, you know what I'm actually going to do? I'm just going to try to drink less this month. And I'm like, that's a better. It's more. I'm just taking time off because I don't want to have more than half of my life doing drugs. Yeah, yeah. So, like, I'm just going to take some time. And then it's like, okay, after about a year, I can like get back into it heavy.

Yeah. And then take some time off. So just like, I don't want to be like, oh, shit, I've been doing drugs more than half of my life consistently, you know? Yeah. I mean, they'll get wrong to escape. Like, I realized like, last night, I was like, oh, I actually am so nervous about that's square garden. I've been lying and I'm like, who doesn't care. And then I was like, I was like, that's been something should be.

That's okay to feel those things, dude. Yeah. Because you know what? Even a shitty. as feeling bored is, as shitty as feeling nervous is, as shitty as having anxiety is, like, that's like a fucking that's proof you're alive, man, you're

feeling something. And like, sometimes, like, when I'm on drugs, it's fun, but, like, sometimes I'm just dead into shit, too. Yeah. And even though it sucks, like, at least, like, you have, like, some loge, yeah, but you also have, like, the highs. That's why I don't take, like, antidepressants, because I'm like, I've never, I don't really get depressed.

That's, like, wild that you will do drugs, but you're like, yeah. I draw the line Helping me. Yeah. Prescription antidepressants is like, fuck that. No, fuck me up for five hours and then have it all avalanche the next day. Well, it's like, no, it just takes that it helps you put things into perspective and maybe prioritize and at least like get a foothold in like digging yourself out. Right.

My thing is I'm never depressed. I'm just anxious. But they give, they give for like O.C. They give anxiety meds. I'm like, no, I'd rather just deal with the fucking shit. I mean, I don't have it debilitatingly where I'm like, you know, counting every hair in my carpets. It's not really a problem. But we do got to wrap up.

Sorry. Sorry, man. All right. Well, that's it. No plugs. End it. No plugs. No plugs.

No plugs. Yeah, you just started a podcast. You should plug that. Oh. Podcasts currently called You Pick the Movie with Jess Levin and myself. Yeah, that. Levi the White on everything. Oh, yeah.

As always, you can find me online at Joe W. Gorman on all platforms. And I have a podcast that I do with Alex Thomas, It's called Super Selly Joe's. We just had a new episode drop today. And whenever you're watching this, that's also when my new podcast will drop. So, yeah, please like and subscribe. We're almost at 240 subscribers.

Watch the fuck out, baby. You said it comes out, but this comes out on Sunday. I'll fucking post a new one on Sunday then. All right, all right. Let's do it, baby. Jake Strom was just on, right? Yeah. He's a little treat.

All right, thank you for listening. Let's go, Brandon.