Morning Good - Murphy's Law - Episode 196

Episode Date: November 19, 2023

In Orlando, Florida, Captain Wright and Jake Ricca join the show as today's special guests. They talk about Michael's most recent trip to Florida, the Tom Arnold kink-shaming documentary, and high school gangs. Thanks to Captain and Jake for coming back on the show and to Jake for being accommodating with his studio. Catch both of these guys on previous episodes of the show and click their links for more.Captain Wright is on Instagram @captain.wright and has live comedy out on YouTube as well. Jake Ricca is on Instagram @jakericca and has a podcast with fellow Florida comic and former guest, Joe Censabella, called Cup of Jokes. If you're in Orlando, Florida, make sure you pop into Milk District Comedy too.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning very good. Oh, I love that.

Yeah, by way, shout out to Tim's Bray. Welcome to Morning. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What's a fucking Bamargera? My name's quite bare to be. He's going to fuck my bottle. Oh my God.

All right. So, we're here with Jake Rica. I looked at Captain R Us today. Jake Ricka. Hi, is going. And Captain Wright.

Yeah, welcome to Orlando. Yeah, this is the new butt rock comedy podcast. But rock comedy. What is that even mean? Oh, dude,

butt rock is like, like, Daughtry, Creed, pop a roast. Just all around good music. Do you think CKY counts as that? Not quite.

So we started off with CK.A on the butt rock podcast, dude. what did? Yeah, it's a good point. Well, I want to widen our audience for the butt rock. Why is it...

You always want to widen anything with butt holes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why is it butt rock? Because it's just... It kicks butt, dude. Yeah. It fucking kicks butt. It does fucking...

It's the kind of music you play when you're in the car with your son, so you say butt to him because you don't want to do... You get that weird line between, like, a pillhead and a Christian and you drive a truck. You know what I mean?

It's just kind of weird thing. You're on your way home from church, going to McDonald's, getting him a McGrittle. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. If he speaks up, you give him the hand. Exactly. Yeah.

You hate your kid, but right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Washed his mouth out with soap. Yeah. Stuff like that. But it's, uh, my favorite one I saw recently, it was Papa Roach called on Chris Dottry to come on stage to sing Scars. Where he's like, a tear my heart open. And Scars remind me.

I'm like, dude, everybody was fucking truck nuts right now. It was just jizzing in their pants in the colors. Truck nuts. It's this weird. Yeah, it's this weird thing where, I don't know, I sometimes when I see like a redneck, I feel more comfortable with the, the, the wild methy redneck, then like the sort of wholesome red, like it's something creepy about the wholesomeness.

Because they're supposed to be wild and crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, this guy isn't a cult. Yeah, yeah, when somebody's just like, I listen to that good country music, you know, that kind of stuff that, like, it's gentle and it's about, it's about, I'm like, ugh, I don't want to hear about family.

I want to hear about, like, yeah. Yeah, I don't listen to a country. I'm not a big fan. I've been telling you, I've been to listen. This breakup thing, by the way, this is, this is another unhinged episode. I sound so fucking gay bitch. I'm like, this is an off the rails.

TV. This isn't your mom's podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just, I feel like I've been on this podcast and I've been really, like, tame about the things. Like, off the podcast, I'm talking about being a nutcase, but on the podcast, I'm kind of tame. So, I don't know where I started with that or what I was.

Just going into your villain arc, if you get offended easily, turn it off. Yeah, turn this off. Go fuck your show. You're going into, like, your homelander villain arc right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm just because I started shooting lasers from my eyes. You gotta suck on some grandma tities.

Dude, I was thinking about it. I was on, what was it, was it field? And there was this like, old lady that I was like, I think I was, dude, we were on the way to a show the other night

and I was like sending dickpicks. I was trying to do it in the car in the dark, which is so hard because it's like, the reflection on the window last night? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You said a dick picket last night? Yeah, yeah, I was sending you in the car. You just have them just like chilling, ready to go? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got a couple different ones. I have stuff worse. Who are they? They're not mine.

I mean, come on, dude. I was wondering when you're Google image. I'm out here trying to get pussy, dude. I'm not... So you were straight up sexting in the car on the way to a show? Briefly. There was this, like, old lady that I was like, maybe. And then I immediately was like, no, because she sent a pussy picture. I was like, yeah, no, thank you. This is not for me. Pussy picture is rough. Yeah, it was a rough pussy picture. I'd rather her send me a dick pick. Yeah. A pussy pig is crazy. Postmetapausal. I was like, I want to try something a little

different, but I was like, I can't go through with this. Did you just send you a picture of a sandwich she was eating? And you thought it was a I'm at hobbies right now. Nice pussy lady. Might as well. Yeah, I think she shaved her eyebrows and put it on there. Yeah, it was pretty nasty. But, yeah, either way, I've been on hinged.

I was horny at that fucking... There's something about Melbourne chicks that are hot. Do you feel this way? There's a kind of trashy look that it's like... New York has this very unattractive look for women right now. I love that I've turned this into, like, one of those dude fucking. Like, the women in New York. Like, gay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's this look where it's like the hair. pulled back in a bun and they wear like a like a like a tweed jacket like like European and stuff yeah it's like 1994 to 2005 and it's I don't like it but Florida chicks a lot of them haven't changed the way they look it's awesome like that girl came in yesterday tattoos crutches French braids yeah crunches I crutches surely from a jet ski accident or something yeah I hope so and we were talking about that I was like dude I so badly just want to get my Florida on right now like I'll be right on the back of a jet ski of this girl

with my wiener just smushed into her bikini and I could just smell gasoline and lake water. I'm like you. And then I had another one like that where I was in line on the way over here. And the guy in front of me got two, what do you call him? White Claw surges, which are like more alcohol.

They're like 8% white cloth in a can of cope and hang in it. He's wearing flip flops. I'm like, God damn. I got to return to my fucking roots. I was like, I just... Yeah, Florida rules. It rules so hard, dude.

Yeah, it's pretty chill. Yeah, girl. I guess maybe it is because I live in Florida. Girls with tattoos fuck me up. I do, right? She got one of those giant clunky-ass vapes that looks like a fucking Darth Vader device. And she's like,

I built it myself. I'm gonna fuck you later. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got a little ankle, not like ankle monitor. Maybe they just made them fashionable. They're getting them so much. Yeah. But, like, you know those little, like,

what do you call them? Like, little ankle bracelets where they got, like, a little bead on it? Yeah, yeah. Something like that. Ooh. And they have like a flower on their foot. Yeah. Lotus flower on the back, too.

Something like that. Yeah, she's a butterfly tattoo and her ribcage. They start usually with like a flower on the foot or something. And then next thing you know, they're just covered in tattoos. They'll have like a really like,

like they'll have like something down their spine. It's like, oh, fuck me. Yeah. They'll never learn. Every time I'm fucking like, oh, hello. You're like trying to read. The sun is always darkest before the dog. It's on the other side.

The way of the dragon is so wise. I'll show you, dragon. It's a beautiful... Do you mind, by the way, before we talked about this, the people of listening, no, I'm a huge fan of the idea of the sausage castle, and you recently went to the sausage castle.

We both did. You guys have a fucking... Some people that don't know, listeners, the sausage castle, which I've talked about every other episode, is the Playboy Mansion of Florida, basically, where it's just like a redneck... Not, would you say it's redneck?

What would you say it is? It was a redneck Playboy Mansion. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so what was your, what was the sausage castle experience? It's just fucking gross. It was just kind of gross. I'm sold.

Yeah, it's just like a strip. There's like a stripper pole in their living room. And then right to the left of it, they have like an arcade with like, was it ski ball? Yeah, yeah. And like pool and like an old arcade game. And then the other side was the like, do you get into the just bedroom? We just got guns all over the wall. And you walk out and it's just strippers.

Like, just hanging out, just being, you know strippers are just people? I live at the club, yeah. No, they're just hanging out. This is misinformation. I'm going to cut this from the podcast. They're not people. Yeah, I don't want X taking it down from misinformation. It's almost like, actually, they're not real women.

They're actually robots. My favorite part, I've told the story on another pod, was a basic. I don't know why I said that before. I was going to do this. But basically, this girl was stripping, and she kind of looked like one of those ghouls from Fallout 4. Did you ever play? No. She looked like a nuclear bomb went off

within a certain radiance. Oh, okay. She does look like... She's like the granny's pussy that I saw. Yeah. No, but like add a bunch of radiation to that. Oh, okay. I don't want to...

See, this looks like somebody put a... They have a bunch of... They have a bunch of... They have a bunch of... Super attractive girl. There's literally like porn stars there. Yeah, yeah. But this one chick just...

She's not looking that good. She jumps up there. It starts, like, getting, like, nude and stripping. She's just wearing the bikini part, or like, the thong. And starts spinning around, and she's wearing it. sparkling butt plug. Oh, hell yeah.

The whole entire time. And, like, you just see one by one people going from like, woo, she'll turn to them and those butt plug glimmers in their face. And they go, what? Everyone, one by one is just realizing this girl has a butt plug in our ass. You see people, like, touch each other and whisper. Yeah, it was weird. Yeah, that was fun.

She took it out. It was like this big. Oh, my God. I don't know. That'd be great if it's like a strobe light. Some guys are just having a seizure on the corner. They had her ass. She had like this guy with her who was on, I don't want to call him her pimp, but he was just like,

tip her, tip her. By the way, by the way, I'm going to go ahead and say this. When did cucks, pimps start getting called cucks? Okay, Adam 22 is a pimp. He's not a cuck. He's not a cuck. I argue. I argue Adam 22 so hard.

I don't know. I'm on the other side of the ad of twenty-old. No, I stand by this. But he married her. That's different. I guess you never marry a beach. Yeah, you don't make a hoe into a house white. Ho's don't act right.

They suffer some bitch dependency. Yeah, yeah. But, like, that is the thing, though, like, if you were a single guy, you're like, yeah, she can go fuck this guy. Like, that would be pimping, but then, like, nobody would call a pimp a cuck, but your girl's getting fucked by somebody else. Pipp is, like, eight of them. If it's your baby girl, it's not. But all of your girls are getting railbound. I believe it's pronounced bottom bitch.

I've seen the South Park. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bottom bitch. I don't know. But bottom bitch isn't baby girl. Like, I'm sure pimps have wives that are just theirs. Maybe. And I just have a fucking arm.

Do they also wear purple suits? the wife's? I hope so. You'd be a purple dress. Her suit, maybe she's like an important woman. She's like an attorney. First lady, Pimp.

Yeah. What does P.M. Stand for? Computer, pull that up. P-I-N-P. I'm gonna look this up. I don't know what you heard about me. We just know what it is.

Yeah. Is Pimp like a... Pussy instinctually... Mine. Mine. Please. Pussy. Mine.

Pussy. It's pussy in a different context. An acronym's the word. I don't think it's an acronym. I think it's just a pimp is just someone that... Put it in my pocket. Oh. That's just what...

It was way cooler than we thought it. Yeah. And you even said it kind of cool. Put in my pocket. The word pimp first appeared in English in 1607. That's right, bitch. In Thomas Middleton, you five gallons. It is unknown origin, but it may have stemmed from a French infinite...

French. Pimper. meaning to dress up elegantly from present partisan. You're going to say your pussy to me. I'm going to put this spaghetti your pussy for money. I don't know why I turned to Arnold there.

Give it a little dick. Give it your pussy. Your pussy is less a comedante. Yeah. But what else happened at the cat? Anything else other? Because you saved it. You're like, I got to save it.

Oh yeah, there was one moment. It was everyone who was casually at the party was having fun on the stripping pole. You know, just spinning around a couple times. it off. You show off your wean? I didn't show off my ween. I should have. But eventually this one woman gets up there and she strips for a second and then

this fucking juggalo gets on stage and she pulls out her tits and he staples money to her tits. Whoa. Nipple and all. Yeah, he's like stapling like she's bleeding and stuff. Jesus Christ. She was having a great

time. Yeah, yeah. It's probably all the fucking fentanyl and ketamine. Probably. I mean, obviously they look like they knew each other. That would be great. If a random guy was just stapling money. My favorite part about that, what's it called? You were with us, it was you and me when they gave us like the tour. Yeah. Miguel.

That guy, remember whenever there was like a guy coming out? He was like, I had to get a stapler. He was like, he went to like the other side of the property to go get the stapler. Yeah. Just a guy from me stapler, me stapler. Miguel's giving us like this tour and the party's only in the house. So like he's driving us to these like warehouses

and he sees a guy and he thinks he's like a random person. He's like, yo, what are you doing? And he was like, oh, shit. And it was that guy, I guess he knew him or something. Like, I was like, oh, don't worry. I'm just getting a staple. And it wasn't like, oh, that's Mike. It was like, yo, that's filthy Frank.

Yeah, it was like, random name. It was possum. His name was possum. They're like, yo, that's possible. Yo, it's our boy, possum, it's all right. This is what would have happened to my friends is they didn't die. Like, if they didn't die. Possum was like rough.

When we walk in, the first thing, when we, like, the second we walk in, and possum is walking around on stilts inside the house. Do you remember that? He was walking through that little hallway. He was walking through like a house hallway. Like the roofs are like maybe two feet taller than this. Oh my God.

On stilts. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, his head was scraping the roof. Possum was having a good time. That's that, yeah, that sounds like some guy named Possum would do. Possum's our boy, dude. Possum is our boy. Get him on, dude.

So I would love to. I would like, I'll play with him. I didn't he stops doing the gathering of the jugglers. But that's the kind of, I think I would thrive in that because I just, I feel so restricted by society. I know it sounds so weird. It's the closest you'll get being at that place. Because I want to just let loose

and I don't know, maybe get peed on by a woman who's dressed like a clown. I recently matched with a clown woman on Bumble. I'm like, fuck it. I'm not attracted to it. Wait, how do you know they're a clown woman? Let me pull this shit up. Is her name Amanda?

Uh, no. I don't think so. Why? My friend, she has like a clown persona. Yeah, yeah. Clown sona. Yeah, this is, this woman looks so out of her fucking mind. But I'm like, I don't know.

That can't be a terribly dangerous idea. What the fuck? Can I see? That's a clown woman to you? Keep the line. No, show me other pictures. Yeah. Okay, that's kind of crazy.

This is kind of music on a thing. Oh, what the fuck? Terrified. But I'm like, I don't know, dude. I'm trying to, I'm trying to soak up. Like, just the truth is like, she might have an only thing. You'll say the old lady a dick pick, but not swipe on that.

No, I swiped on. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The klissy, dude, you got to get that klissy. The clown pussy. Yeah. That klissy. You think your lips are painted bright red like a clown.

What was that? David Tel joke? He was like clown pussy He's like He has a ginger girl He's like How many dates would it take

For you to be comfortable With me calling you clown pussy When we're loving Circus snatch when we're hating But it's like I don't know I just feel like I was As I said

I felt like really restricted With the relationships Now I'm just fucking pops over I want to try some fucking wild things Yeah you are trying some wild things Sajcastle would be the place To try some Yeah

Yeah yeah Without being judged It's just, but I feel like I would be so annoying about that. I'd like, don't judge me. They'd be like, we're not judging. You know, they'd be like, we're not judging, but I'm just, yeah. All right. I went when I first started comedy and that was like, I was a little more, like, I kind of kept my shit together.

I was like sober the entire time. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'd be so nervous at first. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. This time when I was like, because I'm like, I'm 30 now, so I was like. Oh, so the first time you were wild there. Oh, I was, like, getting fucked up and, um. I think it would be hard to not do weird drugs there because, like, I don't really do a lot of drugs anymore,

but I think I'd want to just take acid or something. Oh, there, but I got high there. Like, we got high on the way and stuff, and I didn't smoke there. But then we just got fucking, I got blocked out because this is free alcohol. It also is like a place you could have a terrible time. Like, you get too high and then you're in the bathroom. It is free alcohol. So you could just fucking, yeah, yeah, you could make horrible decisions.

It's funny, dude, it's in St. Cloud. It's such a random part of Florida. No, it's in Mount Dora. Oh, okay. The old one was in St. Cloud then burned down. How did it burn down? That is a, uh, Up for question.

There's theories. I also get lucky. Every time I've been there, there's always ran into at least one or two like bouncers that I knew that were just working there. Like the guy working the main door there when we went last, I bounced with them for like years. So like if I didn't get in the comedy, I'd be right there.

Yeah, all roads lead to me being at the house. You called it in the car too. You're like, I bet I'm going to know one of the door guys. As soon as people, he goes, you're a chick. Yeah. I know a stripper that is there a line. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, from high school.

Very cool girl. The one main woman who was naked like the whole time, I guess is like an actual porn star, porn star. Yeah, there was a brasser's chick. And the guy that was... Now you're talking names I know. Now we're talking, okay. Because it was like...

Industry. There was like two brassers girls. And the guy who was filming them, he used to take all the videos at the clubs I worked at. And he was just filming them and they were like... Remember the cop car outside?

Yeah. It was like... It was very funny because it was... just like shitty porno acting. Oh my God, are you gonna arrest me? Yeah, yeah. The higher the quality, the worst the acting gets. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You never seen an amateur video that looks fake. You're like, this is terrifying. No, this is real. This girl has no choice right now. That's terrifying. But you're like, you're like, amateur porn feels so real. And then it's like, you watch like, I got paid for browsers one time.

And literally, like, they're like, I guess you're a fire. I'm like, what is this? It's like the worst acting. They're having fun. That's what they're doing. See, I'm about having fun. of course. Like, I don't...

Are you sure this is going to cure my AIDS? Yeah. But it's like, I think there's something about, like, some level of amateur where you're like, oh, I like people having fun, by the way. Yeah. Yeah, they do play dumb. I guess they're... I'm like, I'm not watching rape porn.

I don't watch it. I watch it. They're very much like, well, I guess you are a doctor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just start going out. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen the lemon?

the lemon stealing horse The lemon what It's called lemon Well we don't want to look at it up now But it's the funniest porn intro ever Yeah it's like let me just pull it up It's like I think you can find the intro on YouTube Yeah the intro is on YouTube

It's just one of the funniest lemon what Lemon stealing horse It is one of the funniest like porn intros ever The guy just goes from Like being kind of like dumb and flirty To like immediately Is this like it? It's yeah

The second one. Okay, let's see this. Are you going to be able to play this on the radio for? I'm so glad. I'm so glad that our lemon tree finally grew. Me too. And sprouted fruitful lemony lemons. I know, me too.

I mean, imagine. We can make lemonade, key lemon pie, lemon meringue pie. I think it's the most valuable property that we have. I do agree. I think we should go to the bank and get a loan. Actually, I think we should just get lemon tree insurance.

I think you're right. And then get alone and use the lemon tree as collateral because it is now insured. I truly do love our lemon tree. Just imagine a life full of lemon trees. I know. And all our beautiful lemons. They're so beautiful. There's a woman stealing her lemons.

I was like, you wish you were lemon. If you were a lemon, I would put you on my shelf and cherish you like I cherish all our lemons. That's so beautiful. I only hope that the horse aren't stealing our lemons. You know those. naughty wars always steal lemons we do have a couple lemon whores

those damn lemon stealing wars that's a song in the back guys I know it has it been about 10 seconds since we looked at our lemon tree it has been about 10 seconds till we look at the lemon tree Hey what the fuck Hey what the fuck

That song was added in post That's a meme version Oh yeah Lemmon's You know what? I totally changed my mind. I get exactly what I'm saying. There's a level of fun that they're having.

Yeah, they're having fun. I get there. They're not that dumb, you know? Yeah. That's why I like, I'll watch porn where the girl's fucking together with a small thing. She's like, oh my God, this is ridiculous. Like, that's kind of fun. But she's having, she's pulling out like a microscope.

She's like, look at it. Oh, my God. Yeah, I got issues. We discovered this on his podcast. I'm like, isn't it crazy? I like all this sex stuff. And then both of them were like, yeah, I think you were molested. Yeah.

No way. I don't think I was, but. I mean, I don't know. Did you ever have anyone older in your family teach you how to shower? No, no, no, no. I really don't think it was. It's just so funny because every single time, like, you used to be like, ah, I'm crazy.

People were like, you're normal. And then I've just been like sharing shit. I'm like, yeah, I think you got some issues going on. Yeah, I mean, it's not that bad because if you're looking like the wide or broad of like kinks and stuff, yeah, yeah. Shit gets crazy. Shit. People are getting pooped on.

People are getting pooped on. Yeah, that's a great thing. That's not me. Pied on. I've been there. Bito, but that's not that's not that's not bad. That's just so...

No, it's not. I was done to... I was looking up, like, to feel normal what I was up? I looked up celebrities that like getting peed on. And it was like... Wait, you like getting Pete on?

Yeah, I've had it happen one time. I liked it, but yeah. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never met anyone that's like a sick fuck like this. No, you just never met anybody who was honest. Yeah.

Where was the... Look, look, look, I'm telling you. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. All the presidents have been peed on. Where's the target? Like your face, your chest. Yeah, I've been peed on my face.

Yeah, I liked it. Oh, go ahead. Do girls have like a stream? Or is it just kind of... Because I imagine it just kind of fucking fall. It sprays and then turns into a... It goes one of the other. It only happens to one top.

Like the beginning of a sprinkler. You know, it kind of like fucks up at the first try that it starts going. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's like, look, I like warm showers. I like naked ladies. I don't know why you can't just combine the two. No, that's not bad.

There's nothing wrong with it. It's gross for me. But it's to each his own. My buddy... It's got to be, like, a lot of water. Like, it's like, in my opinion, if I were to do it again, I'd be like, oh, drink a ton of water. Because I'd rather just being, like, water coming out.

It's more like the concept. It's hot. But I'm happy John Mayer popped up as celebrities that I like getting beat on. Because I'm like, dude, if it was somebody like Gary Busy, I'd be like, fuck, I don't want to parallel to like... I love getting beat on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, John Mayer.

Like, that's cool. But I felt like a little kid, like, a deaf kid, like, hearing about, like, or reading about, like, Helen Keller or something. I'm not alone. He already asked, but where they pee on you again? The face. Only happened once, and I liked it. But yeah, I'm not getting into it.

Yeah, this girl was like, because this girl, not girl. My buddy told me, he goes, yeah, I remember that girl from the show? I was like, oh, you talk to her? He goes, yeah, that bitch made me piss in her face. Oh, shit. Oh, so reverse. Yeah, I was like, oh, shit. I've done that, too.

He, like, she had, like, plastic on her bed. Like, she does this. Whoa, that's a perfect. Hey, man, man, ass bitch, too. Yeah, she's thinking, I want to get grossed out when people make a fetish their lifestyle. Like, people who do, like, cuck stuff, isn't it weird?

But people that are like, now I'm never allowed to fuck my wife, that's weird. You know what I mean? If you're like, sometimes my wife fucks other people,

that's one thing. But somebody who's like, my wife can only fuck black dudes with 10-inch dicks and I have to wear a cage. I'm like, you get what I'm saying? Like, people who bring the fetish to reality to now it's part of their life,

that's weird. Where instead of like they do it a couple times versus like, no, it's the only way I get off. Yeah, totally. Because I like vanilla sex, too. I just have regular ass sex. I'm like, this is fun too.

Yeah, missionary. Some of this justified because, like, I'll pay for a pedicure or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that kind of like is like a thin line. Oh, yeah, because you're a foot boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that couldn't be the line of like being nice, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy to me. It's now, now, I like, that's weird. It's not spontaneous. Like, you know, would it be weird if I, I kind of want to just pee on your face. Yeah, yeah, that's fun, yeah, yeah.

I would say no. well okay so it's a smoking hot chick and you're with John Mayer he's like bro come on man John Mayer's there dude we're both getting pissed on me can you pee on me? Maybe I'm down dude but it's like yeah yeah

I get it's not for everybody but I don't think it's as gross as I thought it would be but uh are you getting your mouth yeah yeah that's what I did yeah that's what happens dude yeah yeah yeah yeah do you pee in your eye

uh no no yeah yeah yeah But it's so funny too Because I'm like I'm gonna unhinged In the second I admit I got peed on I'm like fuck I just told the whole world

I've been peed on Immediately caving I'm my father I drink a red bull before This my heart's just pounding I'm like fuck There goes I'm getting invited

To no family things ever again I love how different the tones are Like yeah I'm getting fucking unhinged tonight I did get a little pee in my mouth It's just weird Because you have resting politician face So like you kind of Yeah yeah yeah you look like you look like

You look like you can be like really having like a, like an important position. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you guys shaved before this? Need to pee on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're a real politician, to be a child, though.

Yeah. Yeah. Look, these bitches, they like pissing on me. Yeah. I don't mind it. Joe Biden drowns in a woman's piss. I would love that. I would love your body.

It came out that he likes to get peed on, like currently. Dude, that was the funniest thing. When Tom Arnold came out, he made this fucking vice documentary. He's like, there's a video of Trump getting pissed. on and then it never came out it never was he's like I've heard of this video what would that prove that would prove literally nothing

why his hair is orange. Gay shit ever what's that? Why he's got that tint on his his face? Golden showers dude. It works like bleach and just stains here. He's just drinking kids blood and getting pissed on like a true politician but it's like one of those things too where it's like it's like the guy

you know what I'm talking do you remember this at all Tom Arles? Yeah I watched it Yeah, did they ever find the video? It's like a Bigfoot show you watch a National Geographic where like the next episode we discovered something and never found it. He like interviewed a woman, right? And the woman was like, yeah, I peed on him.

And what does that change? It's like, it changes nothing. Trump has done way worse things than get pissed on. I think as a guy who's been pissed on, I immediately get so defensive about this. I'm like, what's wrong with this? No, if anything, the documentary is bad for kink shaming. Yeah, yeah, we should, we should shit on Tom Arnold

for being a fucking bigot. Does he like getting shit on? What do you mean by? You gotta clarify now. Yeah. We have a whole new fucking world that's been opening up. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no.

Just pissed up. But, like, I think the morning good is taking a strong stance against Tom Arnold in his king-shaming ways. Yeah, I don't like this at all. Yeah. You know, I would have like, there's the other day he was like, oh, I need a place to have sex. I was like, do you use my house.

Now knowing what I know, you can't. You can't use my guest bed. You fucking shot yourself. This girl was going to. pissing on your face? No, no, not that girl I was talking up. This is a different situation. But that was a crazy night, too.

So I got into town. I could tell this story. This is no piss involved. Wouldn't that be the factor? I came in the town. My first day in town, by the way, it started out terrible. tonsillitis, just feeling like shit.

Just having a bad day. I don't know what it was. You were just having a bad day. And I was like, there's no way this day is going to turn around. Boy, was I wrong. One of the best days of my life. Whoa. Yeah.

Because he saw me. Yeah. Yeah. No, we did The Don't Tell Show, which is fucking great. If we really don't know what Don't Tell us, it's like they do comedy, cool locations. So they shut down a coffee shop and did great comedy show at night. We cramped 50 people on the drunken monkey. Oh, drunkin was fun.

It was a great time. Match with some girl from high school on Bumble. And I was like, oh, okay. Like, this is nobody like, you know, she was cute in high school, but you know, you never cross past. Let's see what happens. We go to hang out. We go to the bar. The people next to us at the bar went to the.

show and they were like, you're the comedian from the show. And I was like, oh, dude, the star's alive. Yes, I was about to jerk that guy. I was like, he's like, dude, you were so fucking funny. You were our favorite comedian. I was like, well, you know, fucking hell. Yeah, guys, come on, come. Say it louder.

She's in the bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold that thought. Hold that thought. Wait, one more. Second. She did go to the bathroom. I was like, thank you guys so fucking much.

Oh, that's awesome. She, uh, my parents live on like a golf course. So I was like, oh, okay, we should go there. Let's pick up alcohol first. We get in her car, she starts blaring Taylor Swift and just screaming at the top of her lungs, grabs me by the hair, starts making out with me, pulling my hair kind of hard. I think I text you and I said, I think I'm going to die tonight. I'll pull the text up. Well, she's going to listen to this, so maybe don't read the exact.

I don't know how bad. It was bad? I don't know. If I said anything really rude, I was scared. I thought I might die because this one was driving crazy. Like, I asked her, I was like, you're in a car accident before. She's like three. I'm like, all right.

That's awesome. Keep going. She's a pretty scared. but like keeps pulling my hair and making outly pulling my hair we go to like a traffic stop and then she's like steal that fucking sign I'm like hey I'm just feeling in the moment

I'm like this girl rules dude I'm like that's gonna fucking crazy yeah this girl's amazing we go back to um and by the way before the date she's talking about she's like oh yeah last day I kind of went on kind of sucks and she's talking about like another guy we went to high school with she's like yeah

it didn't work out like I left the date it was bad time and go back to my parents house start like hooking up on the golf course and I was like look we gotta have sex And she's like, well, you know, I'm kind of loud, so we can't do it here. I was like, fucking, I'm going to pay for a hotel. So I pay for a hotel with money I do not have.

Like, I'm not going to say how much money it was, but I did not have money for this hotel. We go to hotel. I take a blue chute. And she says my beard's like too long, so I shave. Because my blood vessels are dilated, I start bleeding all over the place. Blue chute is just pumping blood out of my face. She's like covering my face while I'm fingering her. Like, like, it's a fucking like civil war nurse or something.

We use our last night together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, so I'm just bleeding all over the fucking place. We got a hotel towel. We have sex all night. Great time. Next morning, we leave the hotel, and the valet is the last dude she went on a date with. Oh.

It seems to us walking out. I was like, that was crazy. Dude, small world. You had like two small world moments with one lady. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah, this is fucking wild. But then I've just been, I don't know who to talk to about some of this stuff. It was like I went to my friend's grave and just bragged about getting pussy there

That's awesome. Flex on your friends. Yeah, yeah, I was like, dude, it's fucking sick, bro. We were listening to MacMill. You'd love that shit, dog. That's so funny. You had sex to Mac Miller?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've never had sex to music before. I'm gonna go pee and totally not jerk off of that story. Oh, yeah, dude. I told you the other weird way. It's like, I'm not like a, I want to cuck people kind of guy, but I keep having these weird fucking situations like that. We're like, this other girl I was hooked up with in New York. She lives their ex-boyfriend, which is a crazy scenario.

Oh, that sucks. living with the ex, dude, fuck that. There's a sort of weird New York liberal style where they're kind of like, no, we can all be friends. I'm like, you can be friends, but don't live in the same house. It's crazy. So what happens if that girl, I'm the guy, what's called the girl, whatever. The girl starts fucking another guy.

I don't know who I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We break up. You're a girl, I'm a guy, and I'm like, yeah, we can still be friends. We'll just live together. You start bringing home and fucking different guys. Dude, that's what's been happening for like a year. And you're sitting in there and she's,

way louder than you've ever heard. And you're like, what the fuck? Yeah, dude, I'll be going crazy. I'll jump out of a fucking window. Yeah. And what happens is, like, she says our friends are like gay and lesbian,

so they're like, oh, that's totally normal. Like, because they're, they don't, I don't know if they have a different level of jealousy or what it is or their brains are different, but. So, what happens is, we go to this girl's place and she's, I can't only wait for Captain to hear the story.

He might have an opinion on this. I don't know, man. I'm just happy he's fucking gone. Oh, my. My God. Yeah, come back, dude. We were waiting for you. Oh, yeah.

That was quick. You wouldn't even make through the intro to a Mac Miller song. But, yeah, we go back to this girl's place, and she, we go back. Yeah, and she lives with her ex-boyfriend. And I was like, I need to go to the bathroom. She's like, it's the second door, or she goes, it's right down the hall. I walk in on her ex-boyfriend jerking off. Oh, no.

Either that or he was just watching video games with his shirt. with his shirt. He's jerking off for video games? Or I don't know what he was jerking off to. I thought I heard Japanese noises.

That might be something I put in post memory where I'm like that would make the story better. I don't know. You know when you're like, I don't know if that I know for a fact I walked in

his shirt was way up here. Then I go and have like, I've been only have him. Did he freak out or no? Or did he just sit there and go, hey. He's kind of like, and I was just so sorry. And then I had blue chew sex

which is like I'm talented now because I have extra penis. And so I just did the best performance. I'm like, dude, I feel I'm not the kind of guy that's like, I want to fucking cuck dudes. But I'm like, wait, you had sex with a girl and her ex was jerking off in the bathroom? No, no, he was jerking off in his room.

And then I went to the bathroom. I accidentally went into his room instead of the bathroom. And then I came back and I was like, I was like, I just feel like a bad, in both these scenarios, I feel like a bad person. Like, it's not my fault. That is insane. That's so funny. But I know what you're feeling.

I've a, because I got an average ass penis. I'm not cucking any. I'm not. Yeah. Have you ever been a home record? I'm more of an Adam 22. If anything, so you're so pro out of 20.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever been a home record, though? No, I would never hook up with somebody as a boyfriend. It's like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've had a few run-ins with... Really? You've been a home record, dude? Yeah, so...

On purpose or no? Yeah. Like, you were like, you knew they were in a relationship? You're destroying families? The first time ever, yeah. Do you have sex to Tiger Woods? No. I had like a two...

It was like a tiger dude. I was just stalking my prey. Like, planning them a little... Yeah. Yeah, he sucks. You should break up with him. Oh, it's so bad. And then, like, I don't know. Yeah, he doesn't respect you.

I mean, it's easy for my generation or my age range. Why is that? Because there's a much fucking pussy. Yeah. I always saw a home wrecker as, you're not trying to get them to break up. You're just like, fucking. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it could be either or.

Well, one of them I was genuinely trying to get her to break up their boyfriend. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I've never, I don't know that. One time a girl broke me up with my girlfriend, though. at the time in third grade, and I said, I wish I could shove a gun up her ass and shoot it.

It's like a joke, and then I got suspended from school for like three weeks. I've always just had this like... I wish I could shove a gun up her ass and shoot it. And then they brought me to the principal's office. I was like, no, I said, but I didn't say ass. I thought that's like what I was in trouble for.

It was funny too. It was like my whole life I've just been getting in trouble for saying like jokes. Like I remember my first communion was like I told a dirty joke and they were like, you have to go confess this. And then one time I thought a funny prank would be if I chased the ice cream lady with a shovel.

I thought it was, I thought she knew, I thought she knew it was a prank, but she was from like a foreign country, so like maybe there was a revolution there. That's a normal day for her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I just, there's been so many times in my life that I've had people come up to me,

and they're like, that wasn't funny. And I think this sort of motivated my style of comedy. Like, yeah, fuck you, I think this is funny. How fucking old were you? I was like... When you chased a lady with the shuffle? Last week. I was like in like,

I was probably like nine years old. And I was like, I was like, I knew that I was that little that I wasn't scary. I was just joking like, ah, you know what I was like? Like I didn't think it was like, and she came back like crying. She's like, oh, I just want to bring the kids ice cream. And then they come up with a shovel and they want to get my buska. Yeah, yeah. She thought she was getting robbed above her ice cream.

Yeah, yeah. And I was like, this is like suburban Florida. Yeah. I was like, this is just a little joke. But yeah, but it's just, I just had that like imprinted me. And so I know that feeling with someone. comes to me and they're like, that's not funny. So you start doing comedy and then people go out to show you,

you're like, that's not funny. And you're like, I'm not going to let you fucking tell me. I heard this one before, bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember I had one moment I had that was, I'm very lucky there weren't cell phones back then because this guy would have hit me with his car if he was on his phone.

Oh, really? You know the scene in Home Alone where Kevin is like almost gets hit by the car and he's going, ah! And the car stops like right here. Yeah, yeah. For some reason, I thought that was so funny. My neighbor was pulling out. I just jumped in front of his car.

And I just assumed he would stop. Thank God he did. I remember getting out and going, What the fuck are you doing? Yeah, he just jumped in front of his car. Yeah, it's crazy. And they just ran back in my house.

He didn't say anything to them. Pranks is, yeah, there's a lot of things that just are not pranks. Dude, speaking of K.Y and car pranks, they had one in the original KY where there was like a bridge and the cars that would go under it. And they made like a fake dummy. Oh, they throw it off.

Yeah, they threw it off like as a car. So it looked like a guy just jumped off the bridge. and you ran over them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the whole prank. Oh, my God. Pranks are crazy. Yeah, oh, there's another one too.

Like, one of our friends, this guy in our neighborhood liked Pokemon. He was our friend. And we're like, we're gonna write Pikachu sucks on a piece of paper and put it on his doorstep and ring the doorbell. And then the dude was, like,

crying, like, so much. You know, they were just like, and he had like a Jamaican babysitter. She said, It's not funny. He love a Pikachu and then you do this to him. And I'm like, I'm sorry.

I thought it was funny to say Pikachu. Like, I'm not trying to hurt people's feelings. Yeah. I was trying to make goofs. Remember, that was real fun. You have one of you, you and a friend, and you stand on, like, towards the end of the opposite ends of the road, and you act like you're pulling something.

That's such a good one. That's a good one. Everybody starts. People were like, what the fuck's going on? Me and my friend did it on Bumby once, and we got, like, 30 cars to be like. See, that's... That's a great prank, yeah.

That's a good prank. I had a Pokemon prank, too. Pokemon goes huge, like, in 2016. Oh, yeah. Me and my friend are at Lake Eola, and, of course, everyone's playing it. Yeah, dude, there's a fucking Charzard across the lake, but it's gonna go away in like three minutes We were like pretending to be all freaked out and we would just like have people like run

Yeah, we like watch these groups that people run all the way to the other side of the lake So we just kept telling people they go on the other side and there's a go Yeah, it's very funny That's funny as fuck What I always want to do you ever see a long line like New York they have these long lines at like good pizza shops and stuff like that I just want to just fucking tell people it's close just to get people to go home Just why I can but I think there's also like with bullying and prank it's like there's like there's a long line it's like there's a a thin lot. Like, when you were a kid, there were times you were making fun just to make jokes.

But then there was actually malicious. Like, there were times where, like, me and a kid would be in, like, a fucking little roast battle thing. And I'll be like, oh, I actually got to come here with jokes to insult the fuck out of this kid to, like, actually win. But that's, that's some level of bullying versus, like, making your friends. Like, there's totally different things. Oh, yeah, for sure. Were you a ding-don ditcher? Yeah, big time. Yeah, how fun is that? Dude, right? The best. Our biggest prank we would try to do, we said, my friend, uh, I, I, I told my friend if I, what was this? So we were like, how funny would it be?

If you, we're calling it Ferris Buehlering, you open somebody's door and just run through their house and see if you can get through the other side. That's how you get shot. Totally. But one of my friends, he's like, I never smoked marijuana. I was like, dude, if you make it to senior year of high school that would smoking weed, I will run naked through somebody else.

Like, you picked a house, I'll just run naked. I was like, there's no, and of course he fucking smoked pot and didn't end up being in. That's crazy. That's a very, I'm going to a fair, Bruce Bueller. That's really. You could get away with it.

But it's like, my friends would be that shit like all the time, dude. Like this one guy left his house and they're like, we're going to go fuck around in the backyard. And then one of my dad's friends happened to me in the neighborhood and like saw him. And like, he's like football. Like, what is it called? When you're moving. Wind sprints? Yeah, he's just standing like this and it's like, high school running back, 94, something like that.

Like just like ready. He was ready to go. Yeah, yeah. But we do one where you ring somebody's doorbell. You just see how long you keep a conversation going. with them and we time each other and be like, that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you're just wasting everybody's time. Yeah, I was like, right?

But ding-dog ditching the best is when you just keep going. Like, we'd get people like once and this one guy would be like, you guys are jackasses, you better haul ass. So we call him the haul-ass guy. We, that's funny. Does you guys ever turn it into a game? Because, like, what my friend group would do is, like, we'd see who could hide the closest to the door. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We have, like, a point system. So, like, one kid, there'd be, like, a porch and he'd be, like, laying to where, like, like, you can't see him, but he's right next to the door.

Yeah. What are the laws on ding-dong ditching? Because I would love to just do it as an adult. It's so annoying. It's so fun. It's an adult. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, ma'am.

We could do some Jehovah Witness pranks. That'd be fun. Jehovah Witness would be good. Me and my friends thought it would be funny. Take some blue shoes. Just go to some guy's doorstep, just hard as a run. You guys know about Christ?

Just the tip of your dick is poking. I like that I have one speed. I listen to my podcast every week. I'm like, maybe I'll do something that isn't weiner and sex related. No, it's just going to be everything. It keeps coming. Yeah, yeah. Just like my waiter.

Have you ever taken an air horn to a golf course before? The old jackass catch? No fucking way. You're just doing stunts from you did it? The Winter Park Pines. That's where they did it, right? You know that scene was filmed in Florida. It wasn't what Wonder Park.

It might have been Castleberry where they did it. Oh, okay, yeah. But we did the Pines because there's a part of the Pines where the Cadyway trail and Baldwin go. And there's like woods and we do it. Do we have golf clubs thrown at us? Oh, my God. People get mad as fuck. Dude, Katie Way, that's where a shit went down.

Oh, yeah. Were you in high school when that happened, right? Two kids got murdered from our high school and thrown on the K2Away trail. Oh, I heard about it. That was like, what years you graduate? I graduated 2015.

Okay, no, so I think they didn't get murdered, but they got beat up. Yeah, this is different. These kids, like, what happened was they sold guns. Pretty cool. Yeah, yeah.

These kids are cool in my book. Yeah, that's awful. Yeah, that's awful. Yeah, we're fine. I don't live here, I could just say horrible things in this town and leave. Yeah.

Everything's so backlogged that, like, by the time the episode comes out there, like, I don't fucking kick the shit out of my little. And then, but no, what happened is really fucked up. They, like, I think they stole a car with guns in it, for my understanding. Somebody's going to call me who knows them and said, this is not it. But they stole a car with guns in it, and they try to, like, sell it to some guy who ended up robbing them and shooting them, and then burning them in a storage unit and then throwing them on the cageway trail. Jesus.

Yeah, it was fucking insane. What the fuck. But then the guy signed it THC gang, which is so fucking gay now. It's like, he's like the weed gang. It's like, he thought he was like hard. He's like, bro, we fucking smoked weed and shit. It's like, that's not. We had, we had dirty face gang.

Dirty face gang. Yeah, that was like, a bunch of white guys and blackface. It was all just white guys. And then like, they either all went to jail or died. And then there's just, we had something like that in my high school. They called themselves on the wolf pack.

Whoa. Would you go again? I went to Olympic Heights. And it was sad because I was friends with a couple of them. And they literally were like dying. like through high school. Like they all had motorcycles. Like two or three of them died on motorcycle accidents.

One randomly was just at a party and like a stray bullet went through and hit them. Like that is like... Yeah. It was a stray bullet kills you. It was ridiculous. It was like so many of them were dying. What? The bullet was the gun was at that party.

Someone was like trying to fight outside and he was like trying to scare. Oh, that's a little different. And he shot. I thought you're saying like somebody else was just opening their gun at like a different house. No, no, no, no. That's crazy. But we just had like, this whole entire crew all just like one by one they just start dying it was like what the fuck

is happening yeah we're all high school so like we didn't really experience it's like this is like this is where you start experiencing that yeah well it's also interesting too because like uh i was talking to a friend about this and she's like yeah and like winter park like it's just cursed i was like i think our friends were just drug at it like not to be like dick but it's like a lot of my friends were drunk it's not like they were all they were all also like cool kids they were all getting fucked up the whole time and on motorcycles yeah yeah yeah it's like you It was bound. It's the shit that your parents were on you about life.

If you get a bike, people fucking die on those things. Like, I'm not kidding. And then, like, a year later, like, three of our friends die on motorcycles. I'm always scared on motorcycles, dude. I hate people who are, like, call you. I mean, I only hate it because I am a pussy with that stuff. People are like, you fucking pussy. You don't have around.

No, you're a pussy because of all the other things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's literally what Tony did to me. Tony called me a pussy for not riding his motorcycle. And I tried it, and I almost crashed it. It's terrifying. Wait, Tony has a motorcycle? Yeah, Tony's like a mini bike.

he does look like Tony Wellens yeah oh my god and he's like oh just driving around the Austin's parking lot and there's like as soon as I get on I'm like getting fucking up

like the clutch and the brake dude he have a keyboard act now Tony? Oh I think that was for a good evening Was that just a bit? Yeah I was like no way is this motherfucker is this motherfucker

I'm still on board because he has a leather jacket now too leather jack keyboard I was like what is going on there's always it's always funny too because, like, when you hit the, what's it called,

the motorcycles are either not on or they're going too fast. Yeah. There's no, like, easing it. Let me ease it. I'll try to go so slow. I'm like, whoa. Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what happened to me. And then I was, like, fucking with a break.

And it was, it was horrifying. Yeah, I was in ATV with my dad recently. And, like, we were both riding ATVs. And I was scared on that, but, God, so much fucking fun, riding an ATV. It's a little safe. It feels safer because you got the four wheels. You still fuck yourself up.

Yeah, and you're hanging out of your Dominican homies and you're doing wheelies. That's my life. I don't know what you guys have been up to. They do love doing that. We went to, I think... With a skull. Like, one of those masks is just a skull.

Just assault rifles. Yeah, just bumping that Yankee. I'm hanging out with the cartel. Yeah. I think it was Lake. Is it Okachobi? Is Okotoba like a big, like, redneck place? That's where they do the music festival.

But I think outside's probably. Oka Chobie is the biggest lake in Florida, like the massive one. I'm trying to remember. At some place like that, me and my... brothers went and we were driving there's like sand dunes where we went oh dude that is so sick and mud and shit my brother just in the back of his truck

just put car seats in there just put him in there and we're just sitting in the back of his truck not strapped down and he's just fucking going like 30 40 just doing donuts around the back of this like fucking hill and sand dunes and we're just fucking like holy fuck

just came thrown around and we're all drunk everyone driving everything was horrible My brother said whenever, this is when he was like super young, he said he was driving by and they were drinking like drinking a cop rolled by and just tipped his hat. Oh, he did not give a fuck. Those boys, good for them. I'm on the fucking clock right now. I wish.

Don't be having no gay sex out there long. Keep that out of here. We're happy. I'll fucking rest you for that shit. See, my friend group is a. just like two of the kids in my apartment, we were ready to do, like, drifting and shit. Like one of the... Dude, you know what?

You, you, uh, strike me as a guy who would have, now things have changed and this would be cool, but maybe like a little anime-ish friends. Not really. Really, because you said drifting and I just pictured you and Japanese guys. So middle...

But I know, I know BTS and all that's not Japanese. Like the captain right. Yeah, yeah. I picture you with a bunch of dudes with like the leather Suzuki. I wish. That would be awesome.

I suppose of gay frack guys. Oh, yeah. But one of them, straight off from the group. He was like a stoner kid, but he's like, um, he's one of my best friends and his mom was loaded. Yeah, yeah. So he got into drifting and then his... With cum.

My come. You fuck my friend's mom, dude? A lot of a day can come, you're right. Yeah, I know one speed. On brand, baby. And he got like a Subaru WRX and just souped it up. And you know, those are probably the most dangerous car for a teenager to have. Yeah, yeah. And he takes us

all out and we're drifting around Baldwin Park. Like, you know that fountain in the middle of the thing. Oh, shit. We go around it at like 3 p.m. And it was like, oh my God. Then we go to the the elementary school parking lot. No, it was Glenridge Middle School, Glendorsville School parking lot. And he tries to come around the corner and nails

a curb in the entire fucking axle. Just fucks up. The car's like leaking and shit. It's like, you can't drive it away. So we had like wait for like police and stuff. And there's just clearly tire tracks all over the trash. And this guy comes out. He's like, my daughter was just walking around.

30 seconds ago, you guys could have hit her. Oh, there's always some pussy. Yeah, there's like four teenagers sitting by like a totaled car. But yeah, my brother, I remember when I was driving this car like that. And some guy comes up, he goes, are you from around here? He goes, no, actually, yeah, I live cold blocks away. He goes, yeah, well, you're going to fucking kill. My brother, like, thought he's going to compliment him on my how cool it was.

Yeah, nice fucking drifting, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But people are never. I mean, cars are so dangerous. Yeah. Especially, and it's like, like, in other states, like, they have an 18-year-old driver's license, which, I mean, I mean, kind of. sucks, but it's like the dumbest people

are fucking kids driving cars. And it's like I, um, yeah, I've been in like three car accident. And I mean, side swiping and fender vendor, like nothing like huge. But like, I remember one time I was driving my dad's car trying to light a cigarette inside because I just smoke, I was such a piece of shit teenager. I was just like, a rangerover. I just like smoke sigs inside of it and like spray it and like, it doesn't smell. I mean, Oseum works really well

that spray. Like you really can't smell shit. And I didn't even think about it until like we hopped in the car and my buddy Spencer, who just always fucking, this guy would always peer pressure you know stuff. He'd like, do you, let's just smoke this pipe tobacco in your dad's car. It was like the first time I drove it. Pipe tobacco. I was like, this is a native American fellow? No, no, no. Okay. He was just doing, he's always doing, he's always ten steps ahead of everybody. He's like, trust me, pipe tobacco, it'll be

a thing. Yeah, it never caught odd. But, yeah, he's trying to piece pipe with you, dude. Yeah, yeah. Trying to make friends. Yeah. But, and then I was like, okay, I'll just dry. And then I was like, I guess I can just smoke in this guy. I don't know why. I literally smoked in high school just because it was cool. I was like, this would be sick if I played Motley crew would just smoke cigarettes in my dad's back. That is pretty cool. I never really enjoyed it, but I was like,

just driving a Ranger over to high school, throwing it and then stepping it out. Especially because I'm like, sometimes I had like a cute female friend let me park at her house. And I'm like, you, this would be so fucking sick. Yeah.

I would do that daily, bro. And then exams would be crazy too. I would just take a bunch of fucking Adderall and I'm just blaring like fucking rap and smoking. I'm like, it was, God, I got a head of my dad's range over. My life has been so downhill since that.

I'm never getting head in a Ranger over again. That's so. sick. Wow. Did you just admit to peeking in high school? Sure.

But that moment where I had sex in a nice hotel, I was like, this is, we're getting close to like, I do still like baseline level cool stuff, like being to a strip club while T. Payne's playing in your throw hundreds. You're like, oh, not hundreds, but ones. You're like, it still feels, you know,

you still feel cool when. Yeah, I was trying to feel that so hard at the sausage castle, but I'm like, I don't. Yeah. Because people there are just. harder than you. Not even. They're just fucking grimeier.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I remember, yeah, one time, there was a similar thing. There's one girl that licked my butt hole in high school. And we were, we were playing like... I still casually say that. We were playing like Mickey Avalon or something like that, and I was smoking cigarettes. Is that the fucking...

My dick. Yeah, yeah. What do you say? What do you do? Yeah, yeah. It was like something like that. And I'm just... Can you get your butthole lick?

Yeah, that not do that song. To a hangover soundtrack. This girl had like fish nets on. like thick eyeliner. Dude, you're gonna make me so horny right now. Boy's hard, dude. Yeah, I'm getting fucking, oh, my penis. But I remember just like them playing McGiab and me smoking cigarettes in the bag.

You'd just be like, I don't give a fuck. Then later that night, the girl licked my bottle. And then I remember I tried to get her to like stop doing drugs, which is so funny. I was like, you really like should do Zan-X. As like she's licking your bottle. Yeah, you should turn your life around. Yeah, you just stop doing crack and just keep licking my ass. Because like, someone told me later that she was like doing Xanax.

and I was like, I could save this girl who lick my asshole. I remember when I was in high school, there was some, there was like a handful of kids that, like, started doing coke. And it was just like, stay the fuck away from them. Yeah, those are, that's bad news. And you get to college. It's just like, oh, everyone does coke.

Yeah, yeah. It's like not even, I don't know a single life that's been ruined by cocaine. I know it does, but like nowadays, yeah, every, there's so many. My, uh, because of fentanyl, dog. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just mixed in, bro. Yeah, but that's like saying that, that's like saying like showers are dangerous

because there's rape in them. It's like the shower's not the problem. People don't, you can't accidentally get raped in your own shower. Oh yeah. If you're by yourself. On my Thanksgiving. Isn't every rape an accidental rape?

Well, you know what I mean? But you're not buying a shower and getting in there and be like, oh, I'm getting raped. Like you're buying Coke and then being like, oh wait, this, oh, fuck. Yeah, I really can't get behind anybody who still does coke without test.

It's crazy. It's like, why are you fucking not testing? I mean, all my friends. Dude, just fucking test it. My friend, I won't say it was a frat. He's in a frat he's in. But he's in a frat at UF. Okay, which one of the many one?

I can't have it. And he said, like, at one point the president walked up and he was like, dude, you need to stop doing so much coke every night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like when a frat president says that, you know you're doing way too much. Because that point, you're mining for fentanyl. It's like you're going to catch it event.

Like, if you're doing so much, the odds go up. You're mining for fentanyl? Yeah. You're speed running. Yeah, yeah. It's horrible. Yeah, but it's like, that's what you're, it's like you do so much of it. You're going to catch a little bit of fentany.

I know some guy who was doing that all the time and he caught fentanyl and he lived, but it's like, you, that's fucking crazy. It's insane. Oh, speaking of that, one of my friends who died, he told me the full story recently. He died. He's really religious now. He told you? Yeah, he came back.

Oh. Like his heart stop. So he died. This is a crazy. Oh, I thought you were fucking with me right now. This is real. No, I think two people died. I thought you were like, yeah, he's a ghost.

Woo. I was playing the Ouija board Because back on to you, I got fucking pussy, bro. But he, what is it? Yeah, he did Coke with fentanyl. No, no, he took Xanax the fentanyl in it, died. And this is what his experience was. He explained it to me.

He said that he was at a sandbar, and he said there was people in the water in the sandbar below the water, and there was people in, like, the sky. And there's, like, all these colors you've never seen before in your life. Like kind of the way people just, he said he's done DMT, but he said it felt definitely different than that. He said there's colors you've never seen before in your life. And he said that he felt like he was partially in the water

with the dead people. And that's why he like now is like sober and all this crazy shit. And he's like, I felt like maybe I wanted to go out of life. He went to purgatory is what he feels like. Probably. Yeah. Because he said there's a like, yeah, that's where you. I've also never nodded off on Fent. Maybe just nodding off on Fenthal feels like that.

Probably. Because you do have like colluded off because I've never done like opiates really. but like I've done uh whippets to the point where you have hallucinations like a full out of body experience I was in my girlfriend's place at the time was doing coke doing whippets I literally drifted above everybody and I was on the roof out of body on the roof I could feel the pebbles on her rooftop and then I came all the way back down that's insane yeah yeah there was one there's a Tampa comedian who he like used to do like heroin and he died and came back and he was like yeah it was in those like big black area and there's a goop that was like pulling me in and then I woke

up. Damn. He's still kind of a shit head. It didn't really... Yeah. That's the sad part. I think heroin, it's one of those things that, like...

I was trying to make this argument, though. It's very funny that some people... Some of my friends have done heroin a couple times. And there's other people who've sucked dick for heroin. So it's like... It's very funny to be like, is it that addictive or you're just that easy to suck dick. I've, yeah. Because there's guys you do it and don't suck dick.

Yeah. I've never met anyone who's just done it a couple times. I know probably like... With six people. Blues is like heroin, right? Yeah, yeah. but other people have done actually smoked and snorted actual heroin

and they're like, yeah, no, I did it like three times it wasn't for me. Because like, some people get like sick and throw up and like, yeah. But it's like, uh... I feel like I might be one of those guys who can do it. You didn't like heroin?

Who would like... You want to come on the pod next week? Do you heroin? Shut up. I've been prescribed a lot of pain pills. Yeah, yeah. For like my injuries. And I've never been able to finish it.

I've like, the most I ever took was like, like, they recommend you like take like two pills every hour. I was like, this is my fucking knees killing me. Yeah. Remember I took like, pills and one. Like, it's like, doubled it.

Which, what were they? Oxies. Like, I got prescribed that shit. And I was like, dude, I don't even like this.

It's just giving me a headache. My poops feel weird. I don't like that. I think, I just stopped. I never got addicted. It probably is one of those things. Like,

I do think that, like, the whole drug addict brain is a thing where there's some people with different dopamine levels. And then you do drugs and it feels way better for you. Because, like, dude, I personally drinking,

like, I fucking love the way it feels. But then some people, like, you don't really like drinking that much. I enjoy a few drinks, you know, but I remember just all through high school, college,

I used to get fucked up every night. Yeah, yeah. I just kind of got it out of me. Yeah, yeah. I got really drunk, and I used to, like, start every night with, what was it called?

Either called, like, a home run or something. You basically, you'd, you'd take a big, like, you'd take a huge bong hit, you'd hold it in, you'd take a shot and chug a beer, and then exhale. And I'd be able to...

But I'd be able to do that and just go out. And then drink the whole night, and then, and people would show up with like blunt. It was like... That's what I'm like... Bro, I take two hits and I'm just like, am I fucking gay? I'm like nervous, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't do it anymore. I can't do anything that's down. That's why I don't smoke weed. Just cocaine. Just cocaine. Like, alcohol, cocaine. That's why I drink so much caffeine.

Like, I have a bad caffeine problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, yeah, your weight can't even sit still, man. I know. Well, that's always. But, because in my mind, I got to be on all the time. I can't, like... Well, that's not deal with...

Like, before podcasts, like, I used to do... I mean, I used to, like, drink, like, a full Celsius and be vaping the whole time. And now my tonsils, like, my tonsils are, I might probably have to get him taken out. My tonsils are, like, fucked up right now. Damn. Wait, from caffeine? No, no, no, no. But from vaping.

Like, you vape and then, like, oh, fuck. Because, like, my tonsilitis, I got it on the last episode I did with you. The next day I got tonsillitis. And then, uh, it's from fucking hitting Jimmy's vape. Like, it just irritated my throat a bunch. And then I was fine for, like, four weeks. And then I smoked a fucking joint. And then just immediately came back.

And I was like, oh, it blows. That sucks. Damn, dude. Your talent's a pussy, but I used to smoke hook all the time. That's, like, the worst for you. I know. Yeah, yeah.

I don't, but I don't do, like, any drugs anymore. And I also worked at a college bar in the outside part where you're allowed to smoke cigarettes. Yeah, yeah. So I just,

I would come home reeking of cigarettes, even though I didn't smoke. Yeah, yeah. I did a lot of horrendous shit to my body in college. And I was also addicted to pre-workout. Oh, yeah. I was taking, like, five days a week.

Yeah. Well, my, dude, my favorite shit is my buddy had a hooka by his pool. And the best was, like, day drinking and then hookahing by a pool you're like I don't give a fuck about that. That's so like Middle Eastern. Is your friend Middle Eastern?

No. He was just laying by the pool. Huka just looked cool. So there's always like a guy in high school who got like a giant. Did you have a hookah? I was that guy in college. My buddy had in high school. You go to his house.

Dude, we got the bishops over. We got a hookah. Yeah, I got a hookah. My buddy who had the hookah, he would always, he also sold. Yeah. So everyone would be at this house smoking hookah. Smok weed. It was cool as fucked.

And one of the best stories I have is this fucking and he's selling weed, so people are coming through, and there's only one chair left. And the chair is like one of those shitty white plastic ones, and one of the legs broke off, but we were able to set the chair back up to where it looked like he was normal. And so we'll come through to pick up.

His grandma sits down and dies. What is this a hookah? People would come through to pick up, and he'd be like, yo, we're about to start smoking. Have a seat. One by one, just people just eat. eating shit. We're all high out of our minds.

That's fucking, he's like, yeah, what are you gonna not buy drugs for me? Yeah. Yeah. Imagine like your plug's like, yeah,

sit down and you sit and it's like a whooping cushion. Your plug's like, gotcha. Dude, I'm just trying to buy some fucking fentanyl. Yeah.

Like, Jesus Christ. Selling the hardest drugs you can. Yeah. I'm just trying to buy some fucking what? Opio.

Cube. My Q! Yeah, no, that, uh... I didn't mean, touch you like that. I've already had a boner of this whole... Yeah, I think it's not, it's no longer a comedy podcast. This is... I am Adam 22.

This is a porn podcast now. He does. People are gonna jerk off to this, yes. It's hot. I told you yesterday, you should write erotica. You talk about getting your asshole eaten by like a sexy lady and fucking... A Murphy bed. Yeah, yeah, I didn't talk about that on here.

Yeah, awesome text. I got my... That was so funny. because I'm over here talking about tonsillitis and Jimmy's like, yeah, maybe you shouldn't lick every girl's butt hole that you hook up with it. I'm like, it's so hard to argue that. I'm like, that's not how you get tonsillitis.

But to be fair, I do lick assholes. Who doesn't, I mean. But yeah, I got my ass eating on a Murphy bed in Austin, Texas. Which belongs on a T-shirt. That's Murphy's Law, right? That's Murphy's Law. Which belongs on a T-shirt. Murphy's Law.

There's a Murphy's bed in Austin, Texas. You're getting your ass eaten on it. Was it at her place or was this like a hostile? Just like... It felt like a hostage situation. When you started licking, I was like, I'll do whatever you say. But it was funny too because it's like all the girls hook with, I'm just like, yo, I'm completely homeless.

Like I'm like, I live in on air match. I don't know why I think I have to tell any information. I feel I don't like lying to chicks. It's the best. Yeah, I just don't. I feel weird. Lying to women is the cool. Dude, here's the thing I've been lying.

Sorry to butt it on here. It's quick. But every time I have. a girl in my car, what I've been doing is every time a nice like foreign car or something passes me, I'll wave. Yeah. Like I know. Like a Lamborghini will pass me.

I'm in my Ford Focus. Just waving at like Mercedes and stuff. What do you say? What do they say to you? He's barring my car for the week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that is very funny. Does anybody get mad?

They'd be very funny. They're like, fuck you retarters. Who the fuck away that. I know what you're trying to do. He doesn't know me. Don't suck his dick. Don't suck his dick. But, no, yeah, the woman that she had,

and I texted the next day, I designed a t-shirt that said, I got my ass eating on a Murphy bed in Austin, Texas. She's like, please make this. I want to give it to my friends. I'll buy one of those. Yeah, it's really good.

She said, I want to give it to my friends. Yeah. She wants to tell her friends. She ate a stranger's asshole on her bed. Yeah, yeah. Incredible. Yeah, well, it's like, it's one of those things, too,

where it's like, it is, I am so appreciative when somebody licks my ass, because it's such a kind thing. It's like, literally, it's like the same as like baking somebody cookies. It's a very nice thing. Yeah. Very different. It's different. It's the same sweetness your grandma does when she puts the little chocolate chips inside

the cookies and presses them down. That's the same as a woman licking her ass. Why, because there's chocolate chips involved? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nice and warm. Yeah, it's warm. Dude, I was saying this, a woman grabbed my ass cheek the other night with her bare palm on my bare ass, and I was like, this feels like my dad be proud of me.

They're totally different things. Yeah. They're totally different things. I've gotten head before where she, like, puts her hands on both my ass cheeks. Yeah, yeah. And that kind of rules. Dude, there's this warm feeling inside that feels like you just won, like, a football game or something. I don't know how to describe it, but it's the same feeling.

But, um... You find a girl smacks your ass during sex? I don't like a smack, but like a nice... Like a warm touch. Like, you're doing good. Like, you know, like a pat on the bag. Yeah. I don't like the same. smack. I don't want to say, like, grab,

that's fine. But if she's like, yeah, I'm like, oh, fuck, no. It is so funny, too, just Jimmy's argument, because I'm like, I've had, I've licked bottles, and I've had women spit in my mouth, which is like, the most insane shit, you should. You're a spit in your mouth, guy. I've never had, like, Ruby, you're just like a normal.

Normal spit, but it's like, you shouldn't be doing, and for me to be like, why do we keep getting tonsilitis? I'm like, these are gross things. Wait, so, do you ask for it? Yeah, I ask for it, yeah. And after you ask for it, what if she starts, like, cock and like, Yeah, and I'm out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, stop. Because I'm like, this is disgusting. I thought you loved me. But, yeah, anyways, I'm in a weird part of my life, too. There's a lot of people that are like, I think you're just distracting yourself. I'm like, absolutely. Yeah, I'm clearly going through a very hard break up.

I'm like, I'm just burying my depression deep in pussy, like loading a musket. Like, that's just what it is. But. It's eventually going to just fucking take off Lincoln's head. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can only get your asshole licked on so many Murphy vats.

Yeah. Yeah, dude. But it's, yeah, it is a, like, a tough thing. And I get really, I was telling you I was really worried talking about stuff because, like, I really do want to be respectful to my ex. And, like, but I'm like, I also got to just be a, you gotta be a comedy. You gotta just talk about the shit that's gone on your life. Like, I genuinely, this sounds really fucking weird.

But I want, like, my great-grandkids to be having, like, a really hard day where they're going through, like, a breakup. And then they listen to this, like, oh, geez, my great-grandfather was a fucking psycho. Yeah. But they're like, that's, that's what his life was. This is what it is. Yeah, he conceived us on that Murphy. Yeah.

Yeah, that girl, she had a, what's it called on? She had a diva cup in her pussy that's supposed to, like, collect the blow, which I was, I took a blue chie out. I was like, this is too much, but I was like, we can work with this. I was like, I'll make this happen. I'm already hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think this is enough of the sexual adventures of Michael Good. A Murphy Cup, that's what was it called, diva cup?

Yeah, yeah, I just call it God shot glass to you. Or the old stem cells or what, brother? The old Dracula shot glass. There's a better one. I think we're about to wrap up. That's an hour hour, right? It's an hour and four minutes and 34, 35. All right, hey, hey, right.

Let's wrap it up. What do you guys want to promote? Nothing. You go first. Just Jake Bricka. Look me up on YouTube, IG, all that shit. J-A-K-E-R-C-C-A. You can find me on any social media,

captain. dot right, captain. Dot W-R-I-G-H-T. I have a podcast called Lorlando, L-L-R-E-L-R-E-L-A-N-D-O. Perfect. Michael Good Comedy on Instagram. The older episodes of Morning Good are on Spotify and Apple. The newer ones are up on here. Next week's episode, no, no, wait, never mind.

Everything's going to be on time. Everything's going to be great. Thank you for listening. Once again, Michael Good Comedy on Instagram. And, yeah, thank you guys. Yay.