Morning Good - MyLifeIsBro.com - Episode 234

Episode Date: August 25, 2024

Tanner Riley and Paddy Defino join the show for today's episode. They talk about water beds, scary sex dreams, and Tanner's alien encounter.Big thank you to Tanner for coming on the show for the first time and to Paddy for joining us again. Check out more funny stuff from both of them at the links below.Tanner is on Instagram @tannercomedy and hosts the Heard On Podcast, so make sure to check that out. Paddy is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and hosts the best visual experience in comedy podcasting, News From Bed.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Oh, yeah. Welcome to the morning. That was funny to just start. I was like, we're ripping it. We're here. All right, we're here with Tanner Riley and Patty Defino.

Hey, Michael. And we were talking about cards. I like the way you said. You said the very official. You said, hey, Michael. I don't know. It sounded NPR. There was a little...

But, yeah, you said you're not into cards? I mean, I don't remember the last time I played a card game, but, like, there was Uker back in, do you know how to play Uker? No idea. Is that a Bob Uker? No. Is that what you said, too, Bob? Yeah, I just heard of that.

I don't know who that is, but I'm pretty... It's E-C-H-R-E is how you spell. Okay. And I think it's a very Midwestern game, but, like, when you meet somebody, like, away from, like where I'm from and they know how to play Uker. like my eyebrows raise and I'm like you're a member of the cool kids. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. Is it

super complicated? It is. It's like two on two and you can like you can like work together as a team to beat the other team. It's like very, it's a very an adult game. You're from Ohio, right? Yeah. Which is so funny too because like I always forget because you have kind of a southern accent. You always forget Ohio is like

right next to Tennessee. Well, there's Ohio and Kentucky and then Tennessee. Yeah. It's right next to Louisiana. I have no idea. It's on the border of Mexico. Did you guys play a lot of stump?

Is that where you throw the hammer up and hit the... Yeah. No, but funny enough, like one of the few times I went to Ohio State to party, I didn't go there, but we played stump. And we were laughing that was just called stump. No, but there was a fraternity I was buying games. I was always like, guys, I thought that was like the move. I was like, guys, if we would be... be the number one fraternity if we have a fun game that we play.

Dude, our house had a game called Roadwork, and it was a board game that you would, like, have to take shots and chug beers, and then, like, certain spaces would make you, like, you'd have to wear this really gay shirt or, like, uh, call your mom was one of them. That's, like, for real caller? Yeah, the whole room would have to go sign. What if your mom's dead? Ouija board? You get a pass.

Yeah, there was, like, run around the house, like, drink a shot of milk. like all kinds of range. Those are so fun. But like people in the colleges, like we would play it with like people and they would be like, oh, like, so a lot of people just come over and play the game.

It was pretty cool. It was like we invented a new thing. Yeah, you're telling me you invented a board game too, right? That's what it was. Yeah, oh, that's the thing I just explained.

Yeah, yeah, you just explained that. Dude, I have friends that did like intense Charity McDennis where it was like... That's kind of what ours was, yeah. People were getting fucking punched in the face. Oh, yeah. People were like snorting

perks in there. I never got, I always showed up late. Like, I remember, like, I had something going on. And maybe when I started comedy, I remember, but I remember showing up, like, late. And, like, one guy has, like, a bloody nose. One guy's, like, throwing up on himself. And I'm, like, just seeing the end of, like, yeah, that's way more intense than, the craziest thing we would do is we had a shot of Nyquil. That was, like, a random, like, it was, it was low odds that someone would have to do at that game. Yeah. But our rule was always, you could decline any of the challenges. You just had to take two shots if you did. Oh, yeah, this was like, you could not. And I remember there was like things where like,

it was like people were like, yeah, like, getting punched in the face and like really, yeah. Yeah, we didn't, I don't know. We tried to like have women play. Yeah. I think they did one time, but it was like, I think you couldn't hit women in the cat. That's on the back of the boy, and you can't hit women. Every

every, uh, I don't know, it's so funny because every week I change my opinion slowly leading. On hitting women? Yeah, yes. I'm going to preface this by saying there was a crazy homeless I'm like, if she bites me, I think you can... But self-defense at that point. Yeah. And they've also become

genderless, homeless people. That's true, she had a shave that. You see the one that was other day? Yeah. They're the first, like, trans people. They trans into, like, a pile of garbage. Yeah. Yeah. You don't smell. Like, if you smell a homeless woman, you don't smell her pussy. That is true, too, yeah. And a lot of them are so, like, what do you call it? Like, uh, when you have no food? What's it called? Hungry.

I know. Yeah. Yeah. It's so like a, but, like, but, like, Like when you have no food, you're like emaciated. Amaciated. You lose tits. What? Yeah, exactly. And, like, if a dog was to try, if, like, you had a dog sniff a woman, would it, that, I don't think a dog could detect that a homeless person is, like, gender, you know?

That's a good point. But, like, is that how you decide if you can hit somebody your dog? Because you know what a dog, like, a dog, like, sniff your balls and it's like, man. Yeah. It's, like, the dog's equivalent. Yeah, I know, but, like, how do they know that a dog can't tell of what they, gender of a homeless person. Oh, they don't.

Oh, you just made that. I'm just making that. Oh, okay. I'm sorry, just rude a yes and. I thought you were pretty convincing. I was like, you were like,

your eyebrows were raised in everything. Well, I would like assume if you stink, if the smell of like, like, like, sadness and defecation is all over you. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, this woman was like yelling. She's like, I'm so happy I'm moving out of this spick neighborhood. I was like, you live here? I was like, I didn't know. I was like, you have, first off, it's mostly Jewish.

But like, I was also like, It was interesting because she's picking up all her stuff, but she was, like, excited. She's like, I'm so ready to move out of this neighborhood. And, you know. Yeah. And I was just like, and then she was right in front of the apartment, but then she was kind of frustrated.

But, uh, I'm confused. Is she homeless or not? Or she's just, yeah, I think when she says move out. She's like moving to another. She's got her belongings. Right. Yeah.

Like a grocery cart. Grocery cart, maybe a suitcase with like a hole in it. Which is, oh, that's got to be so annoying. Yeah. Everything's just falling out. A wheelbarrow with like random scarves in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do have like homeless person mentality when I see something. I want to take every free thing off the street. Like I saw so many chairs today. God, I don't. Oh, you don't do? I'm going on a run. I'm like, dude, this chair would fit perfect

for the apartment. I'll just put it through the wash. If it's like wooden, yeah, if it's like, put a chair through the wall. Well, it's just like, I'll see like, I saw something dude who was like, it was like a wooden. Imagine like half of like a circle,

like a, you know what I'm talking about? Like a, whatever you call half a sphere or whatever. And I was all wooden. And then I had a giant, like, mat. Not like mat, but like a giant pillow you sit on. Imagine the pillow is like a, I don't know, like a cheeseburger almost. Like a slider. Yeah, yeah.

That's how you know I'm getting fat again. Everything's food. Yeah, do you like get to like sit? You sit on it and like... It doesn't spin. It's just like you just sink in. Imagine like you're sitting on a cheeseburger patty in half a sphere. So it looks very...

So it's almost like a hand holding. Yeah, it looks so comfortable. And I was looking at it and I was like, maybe I could like take the fabric off, like unzip it, kind of like couch cushions and just wash it like 475 times. Or just get a new cushion. Yeah, yeah. But I'm like, this would be so, this looks like the comfiest thing I've ever seen. Yeah.

Those chairs sometimes you like lay in them and there's like some kind of like bar or something right on your back. I used to have a real gay man's taste in furniture. Like I remember like when I was like 12, there was a store in Atlanta that had like, the egg chairs and I was like, I so want like one of these men in black chairs and like shag carpet and like yeah, yeah, yeah. I was obsessed with lava

lamps too. Oh, so you were like very like groovy. When was this? Like how were you when this happened? This was like from 12 to like three weeks ago. And you were like interior designing in your brain? Yeah, kind of. I was just like, I liked really colorful thing. Like I like, I think I'm very

like stimulated. Like I like to be stimulated so like I would like, I was like, I need like a disco ball. I like Disco balls, fog machines, laser lights. Like, I don't know what I was the kind of... I wanted to have a water bed. All those are sick. I remember when those came out?

My grandpa had one of those. Really? Yeah. It got to the point where he was so old, though, he would get it, and he couldn't get out of it. The ocean claims... It's like a hammock. Yeah. It's like going to war against Bobby Dick trying to get out of that thing. Isn't it also like a weird sex thing that people got them for that purpose?

I think maybe, but like... I don't know. Because I remember as kids, we'd have so much fun jumping on my parents' parents' water bed. Yeah. Oh, they had one? That sounds like it was my parents and I tried to change it. It was my friend's parents. Yeah, but like we were jumping on it.

I'm like, they were probably just getting fucking busy in there. I feel like it would throw me off my rhythm. Yeah. Well, just think about it, but it is my pile driver. When you think about how. You're measuring the bed with one of those things. You're like, I don't think I could fuck good on this. I think I would poke a hole in this.

When you think about how hard it is to get out of a float in a pool, it would, yeah, make imply, I would feel like it would therefore be kind of hard to, like, move around on a water bed. Yeah, you're kind of just at the whim of the water. Yeah, you're kind of like stuck and like, you can't like plant

like you can't like grip and like, you know, put your knees down. On a real mattress you can like manipulate the bounce. All right. We're back. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. Waterbed momentum. I don't know what was happening. Yeah. But like that's weird like letting kids play in your because you think about like as like an adult man

like you probably just jacking off in your bed all day. Probably not though. I don't know. I'm just applying my bed to an adult man. And I'm like, yeah, this is like what you do. A father of four.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just pictured like a cum filled bed and then all these kids are playing on it. It feels like it's kind of like an air mattress when it's like not all the way fall. Yeah, yeah. Yes, exactly. Yeah. It's like a float. You're like, you're kind of, you can't.

It seems like it's not as comfortable as it seems. I wouldn't want a water bed today. No, and then you roll over too. Do you imagine like... I'd want a chocolate milk bed, though. You should feel like chocolate milk. Yeah, I would pop it immediately, like on purpose. Will it preserve it? Could you smell it?

It just pops the most... Did you guys make stink bombs? Do we make those? We put like... Oh, no. We put like milk and leave it out for days and like... Ugh. No, we did.

I didn't... What is that? What is the stink bomb? It's just like, you just make a disgusting thing and then you kind of let it just chase your friends around with it. I have like eggs in there. I have fart spray. You know, it'd be funny as if I sprayed it on the podcast.

We all smell them. You have it right here? I think I have it in like one of these drool's hands. Dude, if you can find it, I'll 100% have it. All right. Or you just fart in my mouth. You can't have it. It's not yours now.

It is disgusting. If you fart in a fucking container, it's the worst. I did that one time at the beach. I was like, I'm like, wouldn't it be funny if I just farted in this water bottle? And it's like, it just,

it just, it like concentrates it. It's like the most disgusting smell on the planet. And does it, like three months later, does it smell worse than it did? Yeah, I don't think, I don't know about the container. Oh my God.

Wait, wait, scoot in a little bit. I don't, I don't check you're in frame. Why do you have that? Scoot it a little further. I mean, this is even closer So here's the thing is This is like really stinky Let's do it, dude.

You can't spray it on each other And you need to like give some time between sprays Will I smell like a fart? No. Okay. I don't think so. I'll spray it over there. I suspect that you're not in you're not 100% sure

Because why would we not? Yeah, I'm so curious. This is such a not for the listener thing because they just can't smell what's going on in this room. Do you guys smell it? Call in if you smell it. Yeah, I'm waiting to... Dude, Jay came in on the fart the other day.

I walked right out of the bathroom and just fucking... You gotcha? This isn't doing nothing. I have a terrible sense of smell, so I bet you I won't be able to smell it. I can't smell it. Yeah. But sometimes it's like a delay.

It's like mushrooms. And it's like, oh, my father. I don't feel it. Give me another hit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three minutes later, we're all throwing it up. The other thing is, I haven't sprayed it since I was in high school.

Oh, so probably, uh, it expired. Now it smells good. Oh. Okay. We got on the rug, which is just, what an intimidating.

Will it permanently smell like fart on the rug? Oh, damn. Oh, yeah, there it is. Oh, my God. Uh,

yeah, dude, that's like a, it's like an eggy. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, that works.

Yeah, it's like, oh, dude, I might do that before every podcast. Get the creative juices for it. I feel like I'm here now. I feel like I'm awake. Yeah, it is like smelling salt. Yeah, dude.

I'm fucking alert, dude. I'm ready to talk about the vaccine or whatever we want it to get going. It's not going away. It's like, really, I can. It's interesting. Smells have texture. Like, there's sharp smells.

There's wide smells. This is like a like a, almost like a thin, metaly bar. I don't know how to describe like a fart bar. It's kind of like, yeah, it's like sulfur, very sulfur. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

But it's not like terrible. Yeah, I can kind of smell it. Maybe I should start... Dude, sulfur waters is skinny. Do you guys ever deal with that shit? Like, I remember... You know, it's been funny if I picked that up and I was like, all right, here we go.

And as I spray it, I just rip ass. You make it go like you're going over there, but then you're farting directly into my face. You're like, you're like, I'll spray it away from you and then just fart directly. Oh yeah, that's not that is here to stay. Yeah, yeah. Look, that'll be the flavor of the podcast.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But what was it? Fucking, um, yeah, we, I remember after football, we'd have, I played football. I was very bad at it. But, uh, you, the private school, they have to let you on the team. So, um, we fucking, uh, they had like a water fountain and it was sulfur water.

And you just be in the sun with fucking pads in, like, August in Florida, which is like just you, it's the worst experience. and then they'd be like, Tom for water, and it's just these sulfurous, eggy, smelling water. This is just like, I don't even want to drink this right. You ever, like, drink out of a trough? Like one of those, like a rusty troth? What are you talking about? I've never heard of this. Oh, dude, we had the, yes.

Like, dude, it was like a, like one of those things you just connect to a hose and it's like, like, like, like 10 feet long and has like just water shooting out of like 10 different holes. And all your teammates were just. Were you black in the 1950s? I was, yeah. That's what we drank out of. That's why we were good as fuck Yeah, there's something to do Yeah, we

What was it fucking We didn't have that We did have the hoses though There was like a thing with like multiple hoses You'd all drink out of Yeah It's almost like a hookah But for water

We just had like these two Like mentally disabled kids Yeah, and it's been in your mouth And he's smiling out And they would They were like in charge of giving us water. So, like, they would have to...

Their whole thing was they had to go get the coolers, fill them with water, bring them back. And when everyone would drink, they would fill up the coolers and just keep kind of going back and forth. And then Adam Sandler heard about this and created the movie. And there was one day where, like, we got to a water break

and all the things were empty. And we couldn't find the two kids. And they came back like 20 minutes later with candy apples. We were like, Where did you get these? Oh my God. Nothing has to be more fulfilling

than giving a retarded kid a candy apple. That must feel like just like giving somebody a million dollars and just being like, I know you're gonna enjoy this. Nobel Prize. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine.

I got it locked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's gotta be such a warm feeling in your heart. Yeah. Yeah, they probably love, they probably go crazy for candy apple. Oh, yeah. I don't really like it because there's,

you know why there's a fucking apple in it? You still have to eat an apple. Yeah, That's how they trick disabled people into eating foods. It's like, yeah, it's candy covered broccoli. Yeah. Wait a second. Where did they get the, well, they got it for free, I assume.

The guy gave whoever it was. Yeah, I assume like when the two of them walk into a store together. They're like, they're not going to have money. Let's do whatever. Let's do what's necessary to get them back out the door. Their plan is like, we're going to wash dishes here for 10 years and then pay off a candy apple. They're like, just have one, you know. Yeah. I was thinking about that. That's a tough pay scale when you're like figuring out how to pay like a mentally disabled guy.

Because there's that one guy who works at a Starbucks, the minion guy. He's like bald and he's got goggles. So he kind of looks like a minion. Okay. And he's like working at the Starbucks. Makes me think of Scott Van Pelt. But anyway, who's that? The guy on Sports Center. He does kind of look like a minion. Yeah. Anyway, go ahead. Yeah. But it's like I don't know. It's got to be a hard, I don't know. Like do you pay him? I'd feel bad not paying him more than everybody else. well I think that's illegal not only illegal well I think it's not only

pay money it's irresponsible to give them that much money yeah yeah because they're going to turn into an evil villain they just want to be an evil

that's true funding their like ray that turns people into pretzels or whatever it is yeah that is a funny thing is there is a huge

connotation everybody's like oh they're like the nicest people ever and like I do think they have big hearts but there's also

some of them that are like violent. Like it is a thing too where they bite people and... Yeah, they could go full Dr. Dufin Schmertz. Yeah. Who's that? From Phineas. That was the platy, boos. Eddie!

Yeah, wait, how old are you? Today's my birthday. I turned 32. Oh, happy birthday. What a great way to spend it, getting fart smells all over. Get all sweaty at the apartment. Did you say 32? Yeah.

Oh, nice. I didn't know you were that old. I thought you were like 28. that had a connotation to it well he looks young oh yeah that's nice way to say that because j i get that too i'm turning 30 next month and people are always like oh you're not 18 and sexy yeah i think i knew you were i i think i

think i knew you were like a year or so younger than me yeah i think we might have talked about it but like jake yeah everyone thinks jake is like 42 yeah no he's a vampire he's like nine hundred and seven years old yeah yeah yeah like what he's like so like mature yeah like like monotone and just quiet. I mean, I can kind of relate, but I thought he was like 33, and he's like, yeah. That is funny to say, you're like, you're like, you're so mature. I can kind of

relate. He's kind of like, no, no, no, no, with a monotone quiet. He's a good, dark genius. With the monotone. I'm sorry with you. I like that Jake is now very comfortable shitting up. When he roast me, it's the funniest thing, because I just say retarded shit all the time in the apartment, and he's, like, a very smart guy. Yeah. So he does such a good job. We'll just be, like, sitting on the couch,

watching something. Jake is, like, you know, you ever seen, like, those videos of, like, back in like World War two times and there's just like a kid in a full suit smoking a cigarette in the street

if that kid grew up they would be Jake I think he's like Wolverine I think he's like done multiple wars and stuff like that you know what I'm talking about his time

my time is my time is over there's nothing worse than a quiet smart guy like a guy he doesn't say much and everything he says it's like

damn it he's right he says like three things per day and all three things I've said seven thousand words today and having said the thing. He bats 1,000. Everything he says is just accurate.

The lack of substance in the things that come out of my mouth is fucking insane. It's like, I just talk to hear myself talk. And it's great for this because I don't shut the fuck up, but I just talk all the time. You need it for podcast. Yeah, but any other area in life, you're that person who just won't shut the fuck. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard to, it's hard to do, it's hard to be both, you know. Yeah. Someone who has a lot to say and says things that are like, super valuable. And I think there's like a mix because I think it's like there are people who don't say their opinion

and they're like, well, I just, you know, it's just rude to say your opinion. And I'm like, no, I think part of you is also just nervous to say your opinions on things. Like it is a weird boundary between like, I am that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But some people like the silent anti-seventh.

Yeah. I'm not saying Jake's not like this, but there's always that guy in high school who was like super quiet. People be like, he's really introspective. It's like, no, he, that guy's just, nervous to say things to people right now. Like there's always a weed guy in high school and all the

girls saying, yeah, fucking Mr. ass. You're like, I'm in a second fucking weed cock. And then the guy's just like, the guys are saying, everybody's, I mean, sucks. One of my biggest regrets is like there was this girl when I was in eighth grade who I was like interested in. And I think

she was interested in me. And we would like text on our flip phones. And then I found out she smoked weed and I was like, you're not supposed to do that. And she's like, right. Dude, I remember one time this girl, I was in seventh grade and this girl was messaging me talking about us having sex. And I said, I was a 17 year old little Catholic boy. And I said, I said, we can't do that.

Like that's, I think I may have used the word gross. And she could not have taken that more personally. I was like, she was pissed at me for days. And I was like, I mean 13 year old. having sex. I truly did mean that. I'm telling you I was Catholic as hell, okay? I was like, we should not be having sex at the age of 13. And eventually, like, eventually she believed me.

She's like, okay. I mean, she didn't agree. Yeah, you're like, I'm not a pedophile. Like, I only fucking told women. I was like, listen. That's disgusting. But I did use the word gross. And I don't, I don't, I don't, why would she think that I meant it in a morally upstanding way? She took it personally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should have known better than to use that word.

But, you know. yeah i was like i remember my thing is like i was like i think i was like 13 i'm like dude i can't wait to fuck chicks and then this one lifeguard was like hey man you should actually wait till you meet somebody you love and i was like oh i'll be special like wait till we're my penis like ended up inside of why that sounds weird it's like ended up inside of that lifeguard yeah he's like you should find someone you love like just touches your life yeah yeah yeah But it was like, fuck it.

Yeah, I remember the second habit. I was like, oh, this would have been cooler if I started this earlier. Because for the rest of your life, you got to say that age. I can't go back in time. Yeah, yeah. And I still value very dumb things like that. I'm like, dude, if I lost my opportunity at 12, God, I would just, I would look at everybody be like, I'm sorry, officer, are you talking to me?

I was fucking when I was 12. I think you're going to take your little limp dick car and drive back to the station because I was fucking before I was a teenager. I wouldn't even know what. to do. I wouldn't understand what's good. There's no way I'd be able to like do it when I was 12. Oh, I think I would have definitely.

Like I think, uh, maybe not 12. I think probably like, I remember like, uh, yeah, there was like, there was weird ages where like girls my age didn't know what was normal. So like one girl like sucked my dick in front of her friend one time. And I didn't know how to like recommend a three. I was like, nah, it makes more sense for her to suck and you can just like watch her suck my dick or something. But it's.

Yeah. What a bummer it was for you to be in that. No, it wasn't a bummer. I'm saying, like, that would never have, like, that, it's like the effort it takes to get a woman to watch another woman to suck her. Like, it's like, that was just like... Why did she want to watch? Well, she's like, the one girl jerked me off and the other one was like... She was like...

We're 14. Yeah, we're like a ninth grade and like, this girl's like, you should come over to So-Nzo's house after school. And I'd already... One of the girls jerked me off, like, months before, whatever. There's no reason for me to say that. I'm just bragging. You're going to start seeing an influx of, uh... interesting fans.

But fucking like, the girl was like, she walked in on me, making out his other girl and she's like, oh, can you, like, I never seen a guy like,

come. She's like, can you suck his dick? And then, she just started to suck at my day. And she's like, the girl initially was really funny because this girl was like known

for fucking dudes with like trash bag materials and stuff like that. She's like, yeah, she'd cut out trash bags and like fuck dudes with that.

Wait, with that. Yeah. She's a serial killer? Yeah, it's fucking insane. Yeah. It's like,

just buy fucking steel condoms. But I remember, She started talking. She's like, yeah, well, we can find, like, a trash bag or something. I was like, I was like,

imagine what that would sound like? Just filling up with air. And then I posted on my life is bro. Because I was like, that was like the sick thing back there. What was that? It was like a website where dudes would be like, I fucking banged a chicken and played Xbox with my boys.

My life is bro. Because there was originally fuck my life, which those were fucking hilarious. There was like, oh yeah, I forgot about that. It was like I switched from a pediatrician to an adult doctor. I just found out I have small penis or something like that.

Or like, uh, most of it's fake stories and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What doctor would be like, you have a small penis? Yeah, I don't know. Unless he's like, ask him. He's like, I, how am I looking doc? Well, yeah, because I think micro penis, they like, they do that at like birth. Yeah, then they take out like the jeweler thing.

Yeah, yeah. I think I have a small penis. Yeah, that's a very, uh, weird thing. because, like, I think micro penis or whatever. There's a different. Yeah, there's some medical term that's not like micro penis. There's no way it's like shrimp dick disease. It might be.

Micro is pretty scientific. And penis is as a scientist. I mean, it's the name, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know what? I really, I like when women say the word penis. For some reason, it's hot. I don't know.

Really? Penis, yeah, yeah. I don't like when women say cock. Dude, same. Yeah, yeah. They mean a cock. Because I think of poop. Because a cockah is like poop in Spanish.

Yeah. I don't know. I think it just, it just sounds too pornographic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, be a medical doctor. It sounds bigger, though. A cock sounds bigger than a penis. Yeah, I definitely have a dick.

I like... Yeah, yeah. Let me see that deck. DEC. Show me that. DECK. Yeah. No, I like that.

I'm not the first one to come up with this formula, but it's like... You know why they call it a penis? Why is that? Because you pee out of it. it. You penis. It's called urnus. Oh, that's the plan.

Do you want to suck my urnus? But it is funny. I love the chart. It's like cock and cunt are the same. And then there's penis and vagina. And then in between those is pussy and dick. There's like, there's like mutual levels of. Yeah.

Yeah. Because pussy is a tough one. Because pussy sounds disrespectful to women. But that shows how out of context. I'm like, wait, that's. If you're like, isn't? But women use it.

They do, but it's like... When you're using it, like, I want to get pussy. Then it sounds disrespectful. But if you're like, I love your bountiful pussy, then I guess it's better. I just, I like talking... I have such a child's brain. Like, my parents were so strict on me. They put, like...

I mean, in certain ways. But like, when I was really young, it was like, we had a non-cursing household. They, like, washed my mouth out with soap. And it never, like... That never left me. Now I'm like, what's the grossest sentence I could say? like a second grown man. I'm like,

yeah. It's very like, like, I don't know. But I think pussy is like a very sexy word. I think it sounds like... Poussoa. Yeah,

it sounds like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what, it's like the most appropriate word for it. Like, vagina just sounds like you're trying too hard to be proper. Yeah, you sound proper. Clam?

Yeah, and then that's just, those are just like more disrespectful than pussy. Box is weird. Box, like the least sexual word. Yeah. Yeah, box I never understood. It's disrespectful,

but it's disrespectful, but it's so. sounds so just not. You're like, it sounds like correct. Like it's where you put things. Like, yeah, you just put it right in their box, you know. I've never had a box that I could only fit three fingers. Oh, you remember S&L my dick in a box? Yeah, yeah. I never, like, I wonder if that was a like a double on top or whatever. Dick in a box, dick in a vagina. Like it's, you know what I mean? Maybe. I don't know. I bet not. I bet you that. It would be funny. There is a diagram where we find out their vaginas are actually cube-like. Like we just only seen them from like the outside. The sailors, there's a layer bag.

And they were built by the alien. Yeah. Yeah. I go so bad. I know you don't care about the alien. I go so, like the other day I was randomly just like, it's all bullshit.

I don't know. They're not real. Every day I completely change my opinions. I think they're real. And it's all I think about. I don't know. Yeah, like they're real. Yeah, I think it's impossible for their not to be.

Universe is too big. Yeah. And like, I don't know if like anything going on has to do with aliens. Like, if we see. something. I don't know if it's like aliens or whatever, but there's got to be something out there. Even if it's just like a little bug. What I think is possible, too, there's probably a specific mental illness that causes alien encounters. Because there's 100% people. They're completely sane outside of alien encounters.

Like, they're completely sane people. You talk to them. They're like, they're not, they don't have schizophrenia. Because you have schizophrenia. People are like, oh, this guy's a schizophrenic. Like, he's not schizophrenic for one occasion in his life where he's like, I was a duck. by aliens. Now, there are other crazy people that are like, yeah, and the wizards are coming. You're like, all right, that guy is schizophrenic. But, and I had a schizophrenic friend, and he said he, like, thought he was getting abducted by aliens. Like, that is a thing that happens. But, like, you're also doing other schizophrenic stuff. Like, you're not just like, but there's people that are like, he has abducted twice by aliens, the 70s, and it's never having sense. I'm like, that's a specific, either that's legitimately happening or that's just a specific mental illness that, like, or it's the thing that people say where it's, like, you're molested and the only way your brain can process it is like an alien.

But sometimes it's like an old farmer. It's like, who's going to molest an old farm? That is so true. Yeah, yeah, who is... Who would fuck that guy? That is such a good point. Yeah, I guess the only thing is you could blame it on the farm animals.

He's kind of raped by a horse. He's like, it was the only thing is they live in very, like, desolate areas. Like, there's not a lot of people around, so, like, you could do something, I guess. Yeah, well, it's like, I do believe that some people make up lies, and that kind of makes, but some people really believe

their encounters. My problem's like the lack of consistency. It's like, one guy's saying he fucks some blue chick with tentacles. The next guy's like, they're a little gray people. There's so much fucking variety in it. I'm like, there would be a variety but there's like such a crazy lack of consistency where it's like, I don't know, it's just kind of like... Yeah, it's, are there multiple

races of aliens on our planet? Well, apparently, yeah, but it's like it's so fucking wide that I'm like, this is like, why is one guy meeting an octopus, the other guy's meeting like a... But why not? Because it's like, I mean, are there just like so many different alien races to visit Earth? And it's like that...

I mean, the number of people that have alien encounters is fucking absurd. Like, it's like millions of people. Like, everybody thinks it's like three people. It's like, there are so many people. Like, I've met people that are like, my dad says you deducted by aliens. Like, and he's very serious about it. Yeah. Yeah.

And like, well, you're a dumb bitch. I'd imagine there's either none or there's tons of different types. Yeah. I don't think there's just like one. It's not like... Sure, I guess it's like... You know what it would be like? I guess if aliens came to Earth, they see humans.

and they'd also see rhinos and stuff like that. Yeah, but they would see a lot. But rhinos don't have the ability to build a fucking spaceship and then fly to the moon. Yeah, it's true. They just need computers with one really big button on it. Yeah. I just hit their head against the other.

Rikov! Elon can make one for it and they just run into it. Bang, and it just takes off. Well, it's like some of them are like so like, when you hear two people have the encounter. That's when it's fucking weird. When like, what's it called? Like, when one person, I don't believe.

I think sleep paralysis is a thing. I think people have sleep paralysis. Oh, I've had that. Yeah. You saw like a figure or something? Yeah. The guy. The hat man?

Yes. No, it's, yes. Like the, like a shadowy, like slender, like, black figure. And a, like, like, tall. And he, yeah, he had the hat. And he, like, I was like a sleep. It was the day before I moved to New York City.

I was out. God. I was so terrifying. Yeah, I think it's why I was like anxiety from, like, the move and stress and shit. And I was, sleep at my friend's apartment in Cincinnati on his couch because I was flying out of Cincinnati the next morning

and it happened like I was awake and I could like see the hand. It was like a big tall black slender man and he like kind of and I knew what was happening because I heard about this. It was just black. It wasn't it like there wasn't a face. Yeah, keep keep that going. And then he like he like slowly like creeped up to me and like like leaned in and look at me and I'm just

see his face. It's just like a it was just like a nothing. Yeah, I guess a silhouette, but it just kind of came up to you. And, like, he kind of like... How terrified were you? I was pretty disturbed, but I wasn't like... First of all, I couldn't move. Yeah.

But I kind of knew, part of me knew, like, oh, this is the thing that you hear about. Right. I knew that much. Good for raising awareness on the Internet, so people aren't like... Yeah, it was like, oh, this is that thing and this sucks. Yeah, yeah. It was like that. Do you think it's that thing because people say it's that thing?

I mean, who am I to say? whether, Yeah, that's always weird. Like, is that thing in your brain or does that thing exist? Yeah. Yeah. Because I've seen, I get sleep paralysis all the time and I would have it where I would like wake up and

usually it's like something in my room takes the shape of something. Yeah. And sometimes I would wake up and there would be like a group of like little like almost like Peter Pan people. This is so scary. Just like sitting all over. And like it happened so many times that I would just like sit there and I would just like look at them.

and I would just stare until like you start to wake up and then you see it's like just something that was it's like a towel hanging on your wall or something like that. Oh, I kind of get that. You know, I guess I'd maybe experience things like that where I started freaking out. I've had a couple like, I've seen ghosts as a kid and I don't know if I believe those or not.

I saw ghosts. Yeah, what was yours like? I was like a dude. It was at a restaurant that like 10 years later was declared a paranormal hot spot. 10 years after I claimed by saw a ghost. Holy shit. Yeah, I didn't know anything about it.

My mom sent me the article, like paranormal buscule. Like a dude, you know those old wooden doors, like the square window at the top middle? Square window at the top. Okay, yeah. Anyway, like I went up to there and this like silhouette, like old man looked back at me. He had a top hat and a beer. He literally looked like Abraham Lincoln. Yeah.

You looked like what an 11-year-old would say. Was he like translucent? Yeah, kind of like grayish translucent. And it was called the Emmett House, the name of the restaurant. And if you look up James Emmett, the guy who founded the Emmett house back in the 1800s, it's him, a picture of him. Dang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I don't.

That would really suck if, like, the afterlife is you just do the same thing. Oh, yeah. But nobody can see you. Like, you know, if you own a car wash and then you have to, like, haunt the car wash, that would suck. Terrible, yeah. That's why you got to die in a sick way at, like, a, I don't know, like a blowjob factory. your life has to be like getting sucked off all the time. Yeah, yeah.

You think Michael Jackson is just constantly like just fucking boys? Is this a ghost? Maybe. Yeah. Well, the, uh, the, what was it? The fucking, uh, yeah, mine was like, uh, or I have, it's funny because I have a similar bit, I have a bit about like, I have like dead people visit me in my dreams. And people are like, that's their spirit.

I'm like, that would fucking suck. If that's what you die and you have to live in my dreams always. It's just always me losing my teeth and trying to like bang my English teacher. Yeah. And like, you're my grandpa. You're like, I fought in, like, wars. I got to fucking... I got to sit through this.

Yeah. But what was it? I had one where I saw this woman. It was very translucent like that. But I think that was sleep paralysis. And I just saw this, like, she was that clearish, like, grayish blue color. And then I think, like, weeks later, I saw the woman, like, at the orthodontist. And I was like, oh, this must have been a dream.

And I must have, like, recognized her face or something like that. And she was behind the desk. But it's also, like, a Twilight Zone kind of episode. Yeah. Maybe it was her. I did have... This is a really fucking weird one. Checking in on your molars.

I had one sleep paralysis. it was like an incest one where like I couldn't move and my mom was just sucking my dick and I was like no no no and then I woke up and I was like oh that was sleep paralysis hopefully time to change my sheets and get right back to the I remember the rest of the day I was like I can now look at my fucking mom I was like this is very disturbing yeah that's

that's wild I had one one time I used to like do crazy stuff in my sleep but one time I took a shower in my sleep so you just straight up wore a sleep walker sleepwalker yeah And like a talker. I'd also talk in my sleep. But there was one time where I like had this crazy dream that I was like going like canoeing or something. We were getting, I guess it's not that crazy.

Your mom's not sucking your dick while you're trying to wake up like plays me a dream. But like we were getting the canoes out and all of a sudden like one of them started to fall from like the top of like in this like big boat house thing. And I like jumped up and I grabbed it. And I was like holding it. And then, like, I started to come back into reality. I was just standing on my bed with, like, my hands. Wow. And I was like, oh, yeah.

I have some, like, scream. I definitely have night tears where I, like, wake up screaming, like, uh. Like, still? I had one, like. So embarrassing. Wow. Michael, are you okay? Yeah.

What was it? Something made up in my head. Have you seen that video? It's like a video of, like, there's an Uber driver driving and his passenger, and the passenger is like faking asleep, and he just wakes up. And it scares the shit out of the Uber driver.

I said, oh, sorry, sorry. I saw one the other day where these two guys pretended they were going to, like, put that, like, brag over the guy's mouth, like, over the... Chloriform? And they, yeah, chloroform the guy. And they go to do it, And the guy just starts climbing out of the car.

And they're like, no, no, we're just kidding. Like, we're joking. See, whatever. And the guy gets back in the car. And he's like, they're like, you have to like, like, can you drive us to a spot? And he's just like, he will not, like, move. He is so scared. He thinks these guys are going to kill them.

Yeah. I still wouldn't trust him. No, I wouldn't either. Yeah. My favorite of those, there's always like, I never know what fuck around and find out videos are legit or not. But I love that one where it's like, it's like some guy like, yo, I'm fucking robbing you. He's like, you robbing you.

He's robbing you, motherfucker. he's like, I'm robbing you motherfucker. And he, like, pulls his gun. I was like, get the fuck out my car, bitch. And like, yeah, street justice, baby. Something I would never do. I could have the biggest gun in the world and some guy pulls like one of those guns

that shoots one bullet. And I'd be like, just, yeah, yeah, you want all my money. Fart spray. It's not even loaded. He's just threatening to throw it at. Yeah, I'll like, please, sir, just take all of my shit. I'm such a... I really think I'm a coward of a human being.

Like, in New York City is one. makes you feel that way. You just have these occasions where you're like, if this homeless lady bites me, I'm going to have to punch her. There's also like moment, you have moments where you, you feel that life-threatening instinct kind of kick in. Like something happens on the train or like whatever. By the way, people say it's like a mex. This is only crazy homeless people. None of, I have not experienced the, I'm not saying it's not happening with like the immigration thing. But like every, like you talk about New York and people like the crimes going up. It's people that live here and smoke crystal meth. It's those people.

But maybe it's other people. I'm not getting it's definitely both, but it's not like a crazy, I think like less of the, it's kind of funny because there was like this one like statistic where it's like 9% of the immigrants are causing like 9% of total crime is like the immigrants or whatever and like 34% is like I don't know exactly. what it. But it's a very small amount. It's a very small amount that's the immigrants. And people are freaking out because they're like, yeah, but they're all illegal immigrants. Yeah. It should be a hundred percent of crime or of them are committing crime. Oh, because with them being here as a crime technically, that is very bad. But it's like, yeah, that's not a rape. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. I guess it's a rape of

the statue of liberty. Yeah, even though it clearly says. Didn't that, did that get changed? Didn't somebody said Trump was changing the Statue of Liberty and like taking off the thing that says like, we'll take in your home degree. He's going to put her in a bikini. Well, I am voting for it. Jesus told me in a dream to vote for him. So that's what I'm to vote for Trump. That's what I'm doing.

Is that how you woke up screaming? Yeah. No, I want to vote for Camel. It's amazing that Jesus's two things he told people in a dream are for you to vote for Trump and for Mary to have the birth of Christ. and nothing in between you. I'm being silly. What was it?

You were talking about how your mom sucked your dick and dream or something weird? Where were we? No, but I have a, I jerked off one of my close, close friends in a dream.

Huge cock, too. Yeah? It wasn't even like a jerk. He just like, he's like, take a look at this and he showed me just a massive cock. Yeah. And he goes, touch it.

And I'm like, I don't know. And I just put my finger on it and just started splooching. Come on, man. Why'd you make me? This is a dream?

Yeah. Okay. You guys has a weird ass. Oh, don't pull this. Are you one of these guys like my dreams are like me in an office? No,

I don't remember them. Like I don't remember last, like I wish I remembered not those kind of dreams, but like I kind of get bummed out when I, when these conversations happen, I just sit here like an asshole

because I don't remember any of my dreams. It's hard to remember them. Well, it's all about, like, there's a process of, like, when you wake up, you have to think about your dream. Because, like, if you go, if you, like, wake up to an alarm clock, like, your brain doesn't, like, everybody has dreams. I love people that are like, I haven't dreamed in years. Like, that's impossible because you would be crazy. Like, you would die. It's weird when you're in a dream and you hear your alarm.

Yeah. And it's, like, in the dream. And then you're like, what is that again? And then you're like, oh, and then you wake up. Yeah. Like, it is, like, inception. You can, you can hear that sound? You ever, like, you ever, like, almost asleep with the TV?

and your brain is like using the noise from the TV to be the dream. Oh, yeah. It's weird how it like it can like keep up like unreal time with the noise of the dream. Yeah, that's why I watch Latin pornography going to sleep. Yeah, I was going to say that's the, the, your brain is using the same method of the morning good podcast of fueling your brain with rap. But like the dream has the dream has nothing to do with what you're hearing on the TV, but somehow it still makes sense. Yeah, it's so true. The voices will be like a spider talking to you.

like, yeah, I'm Bill Nye, the science guy, but that's not what it actually would be. Yeah, it's, Bill, Bill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it weirdly, that's so true. It'll be like my dad talking to me, but really, it's like, I'm falling asleep to, like, Norbit or something. Yeah, yeah, and it's, like, not even... I remember a lot of my dreams, but mostly, mostly because, like, they're so horrifying that, like, it just sticks with me for, like, hours, you know? Yeah. But, like, yeah, I had this crazy one about, like, my, there was, like, I was with my mom, my younger brother and my younger sister and there was like a, we're on like in

an empty city and our car was just parked like across the street and all of a sudden like a huge like tsunami starts to come down the street so we like run to get in the car but the water like washes up and it just like

swept my sister under the car and there was just a big hole under the car. Oh shit. I was just like reaching my hand and she was just not there and I was like dude she just got swept away. Did you wake up? Oh, sorry.

Fully hard, yeah. That's just because it was the morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My sister dying at a hole. Yeah, the fucking, uh, I'll wake up from dreams like that and then I'll like text my mom and be like, I fucking love. Not to dick so, but the other, but like, when somebody dies in a dream, I'm just like, I really appreciate them.

Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, it just doesn't, it's so weird. It's so funny, too, that, like, you just trip balls every, single night and then go throughout your day, like you didn't just have insane hallucinations. Yeah. And that's why it's like, people are always like, oh, you do fucking hallucinogens and it fucks up your brain. I think it does if you give it too much value, which is the same with dreams. It's like, I think if you started giving your dreams value and you become one of those, I don't know, I've never met a real dream guy. Like, like, you go online and there's all these

forms and they're like, yeah, you can lose a dream. And I'm like, I don't really know somebody inceptioning, but I wonder if they... I did lucid dream one time. Oh, I would do it all the time, I'm saying, I wouldn't like... But I was like trying to do it. That's when you can, that's when you can stay asleep and just kind of do what you want, right? Yeah, yeah. You're aware you're in a dream. Yeah, it's pretty cool. What would you do in it?

You just did mildly different things. It was like right after my dog died, I was in, like, high school, and I remember I, like, summoned my dog and, like, petter. And then, like, I went upstairs. Got some peanut butter. I saw, like, both my parents there got some peanut butter. Just like, oh, damn, sassy. Her name was sassy, because she would bite.

And I went upstairs And my parents were up there And I was like talking to them They're like How are you doing? Like everything was like kind of like It was almost like underwater The way they sounded

And I just talked to them like Yeah And I like looked around My dad was carrying a kayak In that room too Very interesting Well I think you're You live in an upstate right

Were you a big kayak guy? Yeah we kayaked a lot Yeah that makes sense A lot of noteical A lot of fishing You ever go on whitewater rafting? Oh so much fun dude I hate it

I think it's the most overrated thing. Well, okay, well, what have your experience has been with it? You just sit in there and getting flipped and flopped around and you just kind of paddle and try not to fall out and then you like eat some shitty sandwiches while you're fucking all wet and then you go home.

You know what? I'm not going to argue. You've just taken something. It's so funny the lens you can put on things because for me I'm like, it's a nautical adventure where anything could happen. Yeah. And you're like, not just a gross thing that kind of sucks.

Yeah, I mean, I just, this is dumb. I'd rather just... Yeah, I don't even like water skiing or jet skiing and I've done both of them but I don't... I love jet skiing.

It's like not like a peaceful thing to me. Yeah. It's like it's almost like driving a car really fast or ATV or something like that. I've never really liked that stuff. Like I love getting in a kayak and just like going down a crank and stuff

and then pulling off smoking a joint. That was fucking COVID for me, dude. Me and my friends would get in canoes in Florida and the whole world shut down and like different days would be different things. Like actually, I'd go with my dad sometimes too, and it was so nice, dude. It's like, we have, like, all these canals

in the lake we go to on Florida. So you go through, like, a jungle-ish, like, canals. I love that. Here's a dumb question. How do you know that you're not, like, an alligator's not nearby? Oh, there's plenty of all the other time. I argue this all the time on the podcast. They're not going to come after you.

Like, the only time they come after you is, like, you are like, if you're, like, everybody gets their dog eaten by alligators or their baby, and then they try to, like, save. it and that's when people get... So they'll eat your dog or baby. Yeah, but not like, they're not gonna, they're not gonna come just like, like,

we go swimming lakes all the time with alligators, and it's like, not like we're like surfing on them, like having like a good time. My favorite is I talked to him recently, and she's like, yeah, no, my, uh, she's like, yeah, no, I know somebody who like died, my friend's cousin died from alligators. I was like, yeah, you miss the part of the story

where they're putting lipstick on the alligator and like trying to take a funny prank video. I'm like, there's no way. It's just out of the blue. It would, it freaks me, like water, like the live beings and the water freaks me out. No, I get that. I get that. I get scared. But I like

the thrill of that. But also we're just wasted whenever we're around water. So it's kind of like you don't you don't really care. So like you'll go canoe or Kai, whatever it was, and you will understand there could be an eight-foot alligator nearby. I'll get it. Yeah, me and my mom, we were on

the Crystal Lake, or Crystal River, Florida, and we're, and she sucked my opinion. I'm talking. I'm dropping that joke. But we, they have glass boat, they have glass canoe. So it's really cool. I don't think we got glass canoes that day. But you could look down and see like the fish below you.

And we, you see all the time. And we paddled, like, I try to get as close as I could to the alligator. Probably like an eight foot alligator too. And my mom was in the front, she was kind of freaking out a little bit. Or I think, I don't remember who was on the front, but it's like, we're like literally from here easily to the camera to a eight foot alligator. Yeah, but it's like it's not, there's no reason for it to come attack me. It doesn't like, it sees me as like a bigger, like, it's like, it's like,

Like, why would you go, if there was a sandwich that was like almost as big as you, you're like, I'm not going to go try to eat that sandwich. Yeah, I know, but every time. Yeah, but like, what about all the videos like National Geographic? Like that's what they eat? They eat what? Like a gazelle. Oh, those are crocodiles, yes. So crocodiles will eat people.

Alligators aren't really good. Crocodiles will eat people. Yeah. Okay. I was talking to another woman and she was telling me that fucking like one of her friends, like a sister or something like that got like eaten alive by sharks. And I'm like, that's just such a fuck. like, how do you not laugh? Somebody's like, how did she die?

It's like, oh, no, she was eaten by sharks. Like, well, she had a James Bond villain hide out. Like, what was she doing? Were she getting the secret layer? Yeah. Stumble into the pit, yeah. Yeah, that is such an insane. Luckily, the laser beams killed her before the sharks got to eat her body.

That or, like, tornado? She died by a tornado. You're like, who the? Sharknato. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fix it up, yeah. Yeah, when they say people die from flooding, I'm like, where are you face down?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I posted a video of that. It's like electrical stuff. People got, yeah, oh, people got so mad because I was saying, like, I was just making jokes about old people just drowning in floods in Florida. And we were joking about that

with, like, the oxygen masks, like, just kind of like, still, like, living, like, almost like Rambo or something where, like, they're just at the level of the water. Yeah. And people were just like, there's not fucking phonying.

Like, all people died. Because, like, Florida's, like, terrible naturalism. Not terrible, but, like, hurricane. There was one, like, two weeks ago. Yeah, yeah. Happened all the fucking time there.

But it's also like, it's a part of life. Like, we would do hurricane parties in college. Yeah, there's so many old people there too. Yeah. Well, that's also why COVID was like fucking Florida didn't take it seriously because they were like, the news is always exaggerated. Like they always exaggerated fucking hurricanes. It's like we're like, now there's a disease. We're like, yeah, that's just like a hurricane in the news is like lying about.

So they just didn't believe in COVID in Florida because of that. But yeah, yeah, because they'd always be like, and I also wouldn't, like things would shut down on their own. It would not be like the state would never be like you have to close your business. because some businesses would be like, yeah, well, just fuck. They would just be like, this is our decision to close. And as soon as they were able to open, they would fucking open again for hurricanes and stuff like that. Yeah.

But sometimes it was fucking like, it was really cool because like, I don't know, it's, I like, I like storms. Like, it's a very fun vibe. And yeah. Could you see yourself chasing them? No, dude, I'm terrified of that. Yeah, we were watching Twisted the other night and then. Yeah.

That was just such a funny, like, line in that movie because I guess, like, the intensity of a tornado is like, F1 is the lowest one, F2, than F3 or whatever. Five is the highest? Five is the highest. In the movie, they go, they're like, yeah, that one was an F3,

maybe even an F4. And like this guy's wife, who doesn't really know much, she's like, if you guys ever seen an F5, and they just like drop the silverware in their hand and they go silent? And they're like,

one of us saw an F3. He's no longer with us. Yeah. And then he, like, looks up at the sky. Only one of us ever got to see an F5. F5's called the Thumb of God, right? Or something like that. I thought that was called How Patty Come.

Yeah, there was like, we used to always read the Twister, roller coaster at Universal Studios. It's very fun because, like, it's like, you go into, like, a room, you kind of just, like, stand there, and then they just, like, there's a nature, like, seen with, like, fake trees, and they just blow wind at you and, rain and things explode It's very fun

Your hair's all fucked up When you get out of it Yeah Dude I love it Why did I get a perm Before going on it? Me just going in with a fucking shower cap

To the ride Those are so fun though Like they had one too It was like There's one you want On like a subway They kind of They kind of get rid of some of those

Because they kind of suck But like it's almost like an RPS ride But like I love that shit Where it's like Fire is exploding and there's blowing wind in your face and spraying fart smells.

Did you ever watch Fantasmic? Oh, yeah. What was that? Yeah. Disney does like a, it's like a riverboat kind of show. And it's fucking awesome. Yeah. They have like big, like huge walls of water that they spray

and then like project things onto the water. It's like crazy. Yeah, it's like a really cool light show. They were like ahead of their time, I feel like for a lot of that. I wanted to go like a drone light show. I saw a really cool Pokemon one. It was like,

half of the fucking Twitter's like, UFOs, blah. And then it's like, no, this is like a Pokemon light show. And it's, but it's very cool. It's like, they'll have drones make

like the craziest designs and stuff like that. Wait, they thought those people were, those were UFOs? I mean, yeah, you see like a fucking blue. Like,

we're looking for Pikachu. Yeah. Is he on your planet? Yeah. But it's like, if you didn't know what was going on, all of a sudden,

you see like a blue and purple lights in the sky. You're like, what the fuck is that? Yeah. Well, they did it for the, 4th of July

like the what's the river to the right of Manhattan? Oh yeah yeah yeah the Hudson? Yeah like the American flag The Statue of the East River

Whatever the fucking one it was I don't know Yeah I really hate people That are annoying about Fourth of July They're like this is annoying Because like dogs and veterans Don't like it I'm like they can't have

Just one day We can be like Wait veterans don't like Fourth of July People say they don't Because it reminds them of like gunshots But I'm like I feel like

I don't People are probably speaking for other people probably just making that up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, people are like, oh, people always say like fireworks cause PTSD for like veterans and stuff like that. I think fireworks are so overrated. Oh, I agree. I agree.

Every time, at least in New York, every time I try to see the New York fireworks, I'm like, this shit. Well, I did, not this past 4th of July, but the one before that, I did get to see that fireworks show on the roof of a building. And it was the only fireworks show I've ever seen that I was like,

wow. Like, I was like, Well, that was actually sick. I will say this. Fireworks are really cool for three minutes. And then it's boring. Like, once you see a couple of them, you're like,

fuck yeah. And then you're like, okay. But you got to be in like a good spot. Yeah. Like if they're like over in the distance, it's like, I might as well just have a desktop wallpaper.

Yeah, it's a good point. Yeah. The sparklers, though, as a kid ruled there's little sticks and you light them. Oh, yeah,

they kind of like burn your arms as you. Yeah. And then sometimes jackasses would put them up their butt. You look at it. A lot of videos of me with Sparklers in my ass. I've never done a bottle rocket there. I remember,

yeah, I remember one guy at a pool party got more attention than me one time for that and I was like, I was like, I'm such a fucking, like,

I was such a fucking, like, I saw a fucking, I saw a guy shooting a bottle of his ass. I was like, looks like I gotta shoot a mortar out of my bottle. I gotta put a fucking, and you know,

you gotta shoot one in your ass. Yeah, yeah. And like, bend over and open your mouth, have it shoot out your mouth. Shoot it out of his ass and into yours. Like at some side of weird Taiwanese stripper show

Those look so fun When they're shooting pink pot You always hear a story about that They're like how was fucking Whenever I hear a story about like A bunch of naredew wells Who like put a firework up a frog's ass I'm always like impressed

That they found a frog Yeah Whatever like poor frog I'm like wow they actually went up in a frog's ass Yeah And they found a frog who was willing to do it Yeah You'd be funny

What if they glued it to another frog's dick and made it seduce the other frog and said they got it in there. I saw a video of a dude. He lit a firecracker and put in his mouth let it go off in his mouth. Did he lose his teeth? I don't know.

Like it cut off like, and like he like turned away. Like, I think they are weaker than they used to be because like we'd have firework wars as kids. We'd be fine. I mean, this is like,

I do have one scar. I don't know if you can see. I have a scar there. That's from an army man that melted and fell on my leg. Yeah. Me and my cousin were doing that. But for the most part, like we would,

you could shoot like fucking Roman, candles, people they're fine. Well, have you ever seen a video, like, somebody let a firecracker and throws it in the toilet and shuts the lid? It, like, it goes off and, like, the bottom of the toilet is blah, and, like, it... Yeah, but I think they're different fucking strength, one. Like, I think it's, like... But I think back of the day it was, like,

literally just, like, basically bombs. You could have, like, seeding, war. It's like a grenade. Yeah, yeah. I always said, there should be more usage of smoke bombs. Oh, yeah, dude. Like, just any time you leave... Homeless people should commit crimes with them. That'd be sick, dude. They just go on the train and smoke bomb rob people, dude.

I might give a homeless guy like 80 smoke bombs just to see the kind of havoc you can... You know what we should do anytime we take a stage anymore, just toss a smoke bomb up there first and then go on stage. Yeah, yeah. Make it like a 10 minutes of like chaos and then you do your set.

You only have 10 minutes. Yeah, one joke. Yeah. I'll start with the smoke clear. Yeah, everyone's like, yeah, I've always thought that like you watch like a Kevin Hart special or something like that and you come out to like fireworks

and like, dude, if you fucking eat shit, you look like such a fucking retard. You have like fucking a pyrotech. It's so funny to have pyro technics for a stand-up comedy. Are you guys in therapy? Yeah. Have you seen where Seinfeld and Kevin Harder having that conversation on movies and cars?

Well, it's like Kevin Hart was talking about how he likes his for being, his shows to be an event. Like all the lights and fireworks and all. And Seinfelds, I just like nothing but a microphone. Yeah. Because he says it makes the words feel small. if there's like fireworks going off before he goes out there. That's a good point.

Yeah, that'd be so boring to watch like Kevin Hart gets shot out of a cannon and you're like, oh, he's gonna tell a joke. Remember this? Especially literally came up out of the ground like Michael Jackson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unless you're gonna follow that by. That's so funny him coming out of the ground too

because it's just a platform going like... Yeah, yeah. It raises like five feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like a small penis getting slightly harder. I guess there's a little bit more to this, but it's pretty much the same. same thing. Yeah, I think

I heard he has a nice penis. I'm sure, dude. That's the word on the street. Yeah. Is that like, it's essentially like his twin. What gave it away? Charisma? Yeah. I saw him one time. I will say that is a person that you see him and you go,

whoa, because he's probably one of the most famous people like... In the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, I saw him in Greenwich Village with time, I was like, whoa. It does give you like fucking goosebumps. You're like, holy fuck. That's fucking the guy. I remember I was a bar one time, and Kevin Hart was on his Sprite commercial

and on Oprah. I'm like, this guy is so famous. He's on two different things. Two of the blackest things. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I saw... Can you believe he cheated on his wife? Yeah. I saw Bruce Willis one time. This was pre- what does he have in Alzheimer's? I think he has like dementia or Alzheimer's. I think it's Alzheimer's.

What's he going to do next? Run for President. It's a political show now. But I remember seeing him and his face was like so distinct. Like so distinguished. You see like almost, it almost looks crazier than on TV. I've heard that about Ben Stiller too. Like certain famous people, the lines in their face are just very like defined.

Like, what do you mean by that? I don't know. So I'm just like, you can't believe it's them or like they're just, that's why they're... I think it's the reason they got on TV or in movies. It's because, like, they're, it just catches your eye. Okay. Like, I have kind of like around. What is what I mean?

Like, did you have, like, surgically made that way? Do you just mean it's naturally that way? No, just naturally, it's like, yeah, I think your face has certain angles at it. Yeah, it's like intense. Like, you look at them and you can feel like who they are, you know? But everybody's different. Like, I mean, you see Shane Gillis. Nobody has, like a least defined face in that guy.

You're like that guy's face might be like a smudge. It might as well be. It might as well be. It might as well be like a finger painting of somebody. Like just a thumb is like his head, yeah. Yeah. I think maybe just for like movie star kind of people.

Yeah, no, it makes perfect sense. Yeah, they have like just very angly faces. But we're, we're about to wrap up. What do you guys want? You look like a kid who's smile, does not want to smile for it. Well, now it's patty, patty tummy time now.

Who's that? I mean, some food. Oh, okay. I've been rubbing my stomach away. I don't know what's happened. I just recently got my stomach back again. I've just been hudgeoned it. It's nice, isn't it?

Oh, dude. On stage, I'm touching. I'm, like, leaning. When I'm texting, I'm, like, leaning my phone. And it makes women feel at ease. Yeah. I'm, I've become sometimes the guy who, like, rubs his thighs when he's sitting down,

like one of those old men. You're, like, just, like, I just find myself doing this. It took a while for the water to warm up. Yeah. Oh, what do you want to promote? Well, I'm doing a show Williamsburg Comedy Club in, like, one hour if you want to...

You got to fuck a time machine. Do that? Yeah. Or, yeah, that's it. Do you still do that? Yeah, I mean the hurt on podcast. I don't want to promote mine on yours. That's the whole point of, dude.

I don't know. I don't know what the etiquette is. The herd on podcast. Go check it out. You think I'm worried they're going to leave mine and never come back? I don't know, dude. I worry too much. That's the whole purpose of doing a podcast is to promote your podcast.

It's not the whole purpose. Yeah, but it's also friendship and joy. Yeah. How would I know about your dream with your mom? Yeah. I hope my dad's not listening to podcast or my mom. But, yeah, a very fucking hilarious stand-up comedian, by the way. Thanks.

You guys, too. Yeah. Thank you, too. Patty, News from bed. You already said it. News from bed. And, um, news from bed. Oh, and what do you want to, uh, yours on your Instagram?

A little Tanner comedy. Yeah, perfect. Thank you, guys. Thank you, Michael.