Morning Good - NEWS FROM BED SWAPCAST - Episode 236

Episode Date: September 8, 2024

Morning Good x News from Bed. Paddy is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and hosts the best visual experience in comedy podcasting, News From Bed.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Oh, you know, welcome to morning. Oh, dude. Oh, dude, this is like the fucking podcast event of the year. So basically, news from bed and morning good. A lot of people don't know this.

filmed in the same apartment, same studio. Same universe. Same universe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the characters. Yeah, all the characters do. This is like the universe. It literally is the same.

Yeah, yeah. Also, I don't know how we enjoy this, but we are literally doing it across it. We're doing, it's called a Swapcast. This will be on the Morning Good Channel and the News from Bed channels. Yeah. The foot dudes are going to be going crazy. Yeah.

I'm actually the god of this universe. I control both podcasts. You kind of do, because whenever we need somebody, you kind of come in and save things. Yeah, we just have to pray outside your door. The best part is like if I'm like if I'm hitting dead air I'm not going to care because I feel like I'm on your podcast. Well that's I was going to say I'm glad I don't have to host my own podcast. But you do. We both have to host this podcast. Yeah. That is my go to anyway when you're when you're a guest. I'm like, yeah, he'll have something to talk about. I'll just let Michael take the right. Yeah, yeah. No, I haven't been doing anything. I've been playing Hogwarts legacy. Okay. You know what that is? No. It's basically like a video game where you get to be a Hogwarts child. Okay. And it's like fun.

It's pretty fun, you know. I got picked in Gryffindor, which is pretty cool. Is there a chance you wouldn't? Yeah, like, depending on how you answer the question. I thought for sure I would be Slytherin because I thought the sorting hat would listen to my podcast. Yeah. It is very like, Slytherns like the bad ones, right? Yeah.

But they're still cool. They're sleek. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's probably the one you'd want if you actually went to Hogwarts. Yeah. Isn't like basically, you want to hang out with the carating? nerds. I know. Hufflepuff, that's like the cucks, right? Like, you don't want to be a Hufflepuff. Yeah, it sounds like a cuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like Hufflepuff, like, whenever I hear, like, a woman said I was like a Hufflepuff. I'd genuinely be like kind of pissed. Yeah. Hufflepuffel Puff sounds like the one that most Harry Potter dorks would actually end up in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are all fucking losers. People that are like way into it, they think they're like, I would be Harry Potter. Yeah. You're just a regular. Because like half the people have all fucking losers. People are. People, like, people. People are

who read Harry Potter read it with a mask on. I'll give you a hint. If you wore a mask at all in the last year, you're not in grip. Yeah, that's true.

I think I'd be a Ravenclaw. You think so? Yeah. Which ones are those? Just the other one. I think you'd be a Dementor. There's like nothing to say about them, really. You'd be like Dementor three,

just one of the Dementors? I'd be an extra Dementor. Yeah. You need help sucking everyone's souls out? No, it's all right. Yeah, I never. You show up at the sorting hat and you're like, I think this guy wants to be a Demento.

I put the sorting hat on and I get banished to the forbidden forest. Go hang out with the spiders. Dude, it's so fun because this game is, it's like not a good game. All of the, the storyline, it's all like, it's basically like Legend of Zelda. Like, they're like, you have to get the ruin for the dungeon. And I'm like, this isn't Harry Potter. but like none of the characters are interesting either because they tried to make it diverse. Oh, okay.

Like, it's supposed to be in the future. So, like, the person who does Hagrid's job, you know, like the beast guy or whatever, it's like this. Dude, Hagrid with like dreads would be sick. It would be sick, but it's like this thick Latino woman. She's like hot. Like every teacher is hot. The person who's in charge of the plants and stuff. I bet you there's no trans characters.

There are no. They really, they don't make like, well, because you can just do a spell. Yeah, you can just whosh and nobody would ever know. But I, what was I just going to say? Oh, no, I forget. Forget it. But like the herbology teacher, like the teacher of like plants and stuff, her name is Professor Garlick.

I'm like, where is this like? Where's the magic? There's no magic. My favorite is, I like, I had like, I was going to therapy for my OCD. I was talking my therapist about like, you know, like, I'm worried that I like some idea I have is I have a fear that I accidentally stole somebody's joke. So like obsessed and like I look up my jokes on the internet and I'm like trying to figure out my go did somebody else say this joke. And she's like, oh, there's actually some book called like Harry Potter or something like that. It's like basically the same thing as Harry Potter.

So it's fine. I was like, wait, that doesn't make what I'm doing fine. That's just insane that there's like a like I'm pretty sure there's like a complete rip off. Yeah, that's just an example of what you're saying. Yeah, no, no, no. But her thing, she's like, she's like, it's fine. J.K. Rowling's still. I'm like, well, I don't.

no, I don't want to be a thief. That's what I mean is like, you're worried about you might have stolen someone's joke and she's like, oh, well, people have stolen in the past. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was like, that doesn't make me feel better. That's just lateral. Yeah, no, you're not in trouble.

You're just a fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, now it's dude from bed. Now it's... Yeah, like... It's a... But, yeah, thank you for having me. I've always been a huge fan of the show.

Oh, of course. Thank you for having me. Yeah, yeah. Jake. Nice to meet you guys. Yeah, yeah. No, it is, it's kind of nice to get into that, like, just the world that doesn't exist, you know? See, I'm so, like, I don't like Harry Potter. I don't like world building at all.

I don't like Lord of the Rings. I don't like Star Wars. I, like, there's too much shit going on all at the same time. Then I'm like, it's just like they're trying to take a shit and there's like a woman flying around the bat. It's like there's almost like, I don't know how to describe it. I just don't like world building. I think I've talked about this before on this, not on this podcast, but on the morning good podcast. You would hate Game of Thrones.

Yeah. You don't like how there's like a. universe that it's like a sandbox that a story takes place in? No, I hate that. Why? Because it's too, you know what it is? It's like too like,

you could, it's someone, it's just fucking nonsense at some point. They're like, these are the schmiddlebops and the smitterbops, smitl loo. And like, these are the hook talk of the wuss. And I'm like, you're just, that's the world in your head. Harry Potter is a cool world.

No, it's just gibberish stuff. And they're like, what if the stairs all moved? It's like, it's like trying too hard to be creative in a sense that I'm like, oh, it's just not like, like, like when you see like a, and say Star Wars, I feel a little bit, like, like I feel like when you see like a sci-fi movie and like one thing is off, and then you're like, oh shit, this is cool because like...

You just can start pulling the thread and everything falls apart. Yeah, then I'm like, oh, okay, this is interesting. But if it's just all just like these are the bottle boops. It's like two, I don't know. Well, that is, that does raise the question. I always thought, like, why don't they just fucking shoot Voldemort with a gun? Yeah, I assume that wouldn't work, but no, there's not a single gun in any Harry Potter.

Yeah, is there like an anti-gun? spell? Yeah, I don't know. You know what? It's because it's England. It don't have... There's an anti-police baton spell. What is a gun?

Yeah, that is a weird... Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I don't think... When does it take place? That's a great question. Late 90s. Okay.

Yeah, maybe it's like when the books came out, it takes place? It's like when the first book came out? Until like seven years after the first book. It's the Spanish. of it. Oh, yeah, because he did go to the zoo, and that looks kind of modern when he's like speaking to the snake. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's like, yeah. This one, though, I think this takes place like in the future. Okay. Because the headmistress, Deputy Headmistress Weasley,

who's got it, by the way, a fat donk. Oh, I could tell. I'd like to Wingardium Leviosa that, you know, take a look what's underneath. If this was just your podcast, I would be like, yeah, you can make this kind of... He doesn't like world building. Yeah, I don't like... What if it builds worlds with people who have huge ass? Okay, okay, okay. They built a world and headmistress Weasley's ass.

Continue on. Now you've got my attention. Well, so she's like a Weasley. So that means like she's maybe like Ron's like daughter or something. Oh, oh, no, the other way. But it would make his daughter, it would make Ron like 140 years old. But he's a wizard, don't they live like forever? Or isn't he dead?

I think so. No? He's not in the game. He's not in the game. Also, okay, so Hagrid or not Hagrid, Dumbledore is like the oldest wizard, right? No. He is a very old wizard. He was old wizard, but.

Okay. You know I never got is why the Wiesleysley's Wizzley, why the Wieslies are like so poor. Yeah, because they always have like great ideas. And they're all really, yeah, they're all brilliant. They're probably one of those successful. The dad works for the, like, the ministry of magic. Like the fuck, he works in, like, D.C. for wizards. Yeah.

But it's just, they can't get it. They live in, like, a shoe. Are they protest at Hogwarts? Is that a thing? Uh, I think maybe at one point, it is a very, it is kind of like a, it's like Harvard, you know? Okay. Like, if you go to Harvard, you might as well, like, think you're at Hogwarts. Yeah.

They even sound the same. Yeah, is the other one where they jerk off on the casket? Which one's that one? jerked off. That's kale. That's Harry Potter's chamber secretes. Don't tell anybody about this. Ron, you have to use your magic

goo. Dude, Harry Potter fanfiction is one of the funniest things, dude. People just beating the fuck out of their dicks to like dump a poor ass fucking hair. And they're just like ooh, what a good session today. She did, uh, what's her name, J.K. Rowling. Just kidding, Rowling.

She did reveal a lot of things about the book, like, after, like years after where she was like, yeah, Dumbledore was gay. Yeah, yeah. Like years after. She's like, he's also Chinese. I never described his eyes inside the book. Dude, there's also in this game, one of the teachers

is like the most Chinese looking guy ever. And he's like, hello, the voice in his face do not line up at all. Yeah, but I guess what does he teach? He teaches his goal

is to get me to collect these things in the middle of the night. Is it big, two big bags of cans? He's like, I used to be a mischievous boy myself. I'm like, okay. But no,

Dumbledore was supposed to have sex with Harry Potter, I think. According to J.K. Ravich. According to the prophecy. Dude, that'd be so fun to write

like a successful thing like Star Wars and then you start going way all over the place. That's what George Lucas did. He made... St. Sing is about other stuff? Well, he made the three Star Wars. his movies and then he made the prequels which he said explain to the other ones and everyone hates

because they're like full of nonsense. Well, I'm saying the other way around he's like, no, this is actually I, this is a Nazi positive book. Like explaining it after the fact. And you have like, dude, did J.K. Ron came out? She's like, no, it's just, if you like Harry Potter, you are a Nazi, I'm a not. Like everybody would just lose their minds because they'd be like, just tearing down everything. It's so funny for people to be like, let's boycott like J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter. My favorite is, though, the losers that can't, like, they can't get over it. Like, they're like, okay, well, I'll still play the video game, but I don't like her. And I'm like, you're so obsessed with this thing.

Well, that's the thing is she's got so much money now. It's like, okay, sure, stop. Like, if anything, she's like, she gets to retire. Yeah, yeah. But still she's paying to people get untransed. That's what she's like, that's her big thing. She's paying for people to get untransed. Yeah, yeah.

She has this thing where she, like, takes, she deflates. News from bed stands with J.K. Row. Morning Good does not. Yeah, she like pays like a, it's like a big thing that they pay to like detransition people. No, I'm taking that. I'm completely, but yeah. Yeah, she did invent transfiguration, though, with transfiguration. What does transfiguration mean?

Where they would turn like a chalice into a rat, which is essentially, essentially what you're doing to your body that God gave you. God gave you a beautiful golden chalice. And you're going to turn it into a rat. It is a funny thing. Jesus Christ. The whole argument of people doing that thing where they're like, I think people get mad about trans because you're destroying your bodies, but then like implants, nobody has any, like, nobody cares of.

But I have her this argument. So the government will pay. There's some sort of governments in some states maybe. I mean, I don't know anything about politics, but they'll pay if you're trans to get tits. But if you just, like a female who's not trans, they won't pay for your tits. Did they just give you, like, stock tits? Yeah. I don't know if you want government tits.

Yeah, Mr. Garrison Tits. And they mail them to you. It's like with a chat. It just comes in like styrofoam. Like whatever was in that box over there. Like I hear my government tits. Yeah, it's on, uh, whatever that dry ice. Just two tits on dry ice.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause they, there's probably like a standard size that they give you, right? They don't let you go in and just give you some gungas. Yeah, probably not. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

Well, it's like, yeah, I think there's like some sort of, first of all, I, this is also morning good, so I got to sit up. My issue I always say with news from bed is I start to fall asleep, but now that it's morning good, I got to get up. All right. All right. Now I'm active. Now I'm alert. Now we're thinking. Yeah, I don't know how that all works.

I don't know. It's probably like not every state does. There's no way in Florida you're getting here. Well, that's what he said. It's not every state. That's what he said? That's what he said. Did I?

No, that's what I said. Oh, yes. Yeah. That's what he said. I was like, I'm just saying something I heard at a bar like last night.

Michael talks. I just go like this. Yeah. I just pan about it. So everyone thinks it's me. I did hear the craziest story I've ever heard in my life. Oh yeah?

Like literally the greatest to everyone in my life. So this guy, I met him for the first time, so I have no idea if he's completely made a nonsense or not. But he said he was a military doctor.

And what he saw, he saw a guy come in. Jake's going to hate this. You're going to fucking not like this story. Saw a guy. come in. With burning the American flag. What the hell?

What the hell is that about? I'm not fucking like that at all. Jay's kind of one of the most patriotic guys, but it's such like a classic sense. Like, you're not like... Just I like America. I don't like, I don't like care about the president. I think I have everyone in this apartment,

you would look the best in that like old George Washington looking outfit. Oh, yeah. Like the I bloomers. Like boots. Yeah, I could see that for sure. I think you could pull that off. I mean, on like July 4th. Yeah.

You can't just walk. There's a guy. Or like the fall. Neighborhood I used to work and there was a guy who would walk around dressed like Ulysses S. Grant all the time. Mm-hmm. So he'd wear like a Union soldier uniform every day. And he was like really old. But it was like, it's not, you're not like pulling it off.

You look ridiculous. You're so funny. It's like there's a big thing with like most historical people are conservative. Like, there's very few history buffs that are liberal. It's not often that you see a guy. He's like, oh, I'm going to go see a war, like a civil war demonstration. But it's interesting that conservatives in the South are always pro-Confederacy and ones the North are all union. But they're all politically the same, but they're still like, no, but the Civil War.

I mean, there's a shitload of Confederate, like, if you drive around in upstate New York, you'll see more Confederate flags than I saw in, like, Florida. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty nuts up there. Yeah. But they're flying those flags because of the taxes. Yeah. I don't even know why they're flying it. They're just like, I'm mad at something.

We got to go back to something. We should maybe switch back to that flag. That's a sick-looking flag. It's also like a big X, so it's like, stay out of here. Get out of here. You know who you are. We're not going to say anybody's names. Because ours looks way too welcoming.

That is so true. You know, like, we need one that's like a fucking... That's the point is to be like, come, you know, immigrate here. Yeah, but in, you know, the year 24th, of our Lord Jesus H. Christ. We gotta close these borders down. All right. It's upstate Patty on the pod today.

Well, I think it's like it's so funny. In the boonies, Patty. I guess nobody is for the Confederacy, but like in the South, there's always like a little, it's very funny. Like the way they're like, everybody's just like, hey, eat, let's not talk too much. Like it's never, there. There's obviously like people that are like in the clan and they're like, no, no, no, we need to bring back. Well, I think that's just, that's compromise.

Because it's now people say like this is heritage. Like, we're not talking about hatred or anything. We're just remembering our heritage. But not that long ago people were like, this is like, we're rebels and they're like genuinely angry at the north still. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And not all of it was about slavery, I don't think. That's what I was done.

Civil War was about slavery. Yo, come on. No, I think it was about slavery. But imagine, like, it's hard for us to contextualize that now because we don't have slaves. But imagine if, like, the South was like, you got to get rid of your, dishwasher, you got to get rid of your washing machine, you got to get rid of your microwave. We'd be like, what the fuck?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, people would be pissed. Well, that is always the thing, too, where everybody loves to just be like the North was so, it's like, no, they just didn't have a need for slavery because the Industrial Revolution. So it's like they weren't all, like, there were like abolitionists that were like good people. Yeah.

But it's like it wasn't like across the board. I think didn't Lincoln say I would. There were abolitionists that were good people. Yeah. Yeah, people that were against slavery. Yeah. I said the ablages were good people. Oh, I thought you said there were like, there were a couple good eggs in the thousand.

Look, out of all the bad guys that wanted to get rid of slavery, some of them had some good ideas. But no, but I think it's like, didn't Abraham Lincoln literally said like if I could preserve the union without freeing a single slave? Or didn't he say something like that? You said that when he got into office because he was like trying to be a president for the whole country. Because he knew the country was about to split. And he was like, let's trying to avoid that. Right. Yeah.

Yeah, it's really fascinating to me just what I was taught about the civil war. war. And like, like, I was completely thought, like, was not about slavery. The Confederate flag is about heritage. That is insane. Yeah. That is insane.

There's a kid who brought a Confederate flag in to, like, our high school to do, like, a presentation about his family history. And he got, like, in trouble. Oh, really? Because he, there was, like, black kids in the class. And he's talking about, he's like, this flag does not represent what you think it does. And people are like, Jesus Christ. Well, you could do, like, at our school, we had no problem.

Like, you could, you could walk in. the school of Confederate flag shirt, you would not get written up for it. But if you're a woman and you're fucking like, your shorts were too short, that'd be like, mm-mm, you're going to have to go home. You could just have, man, I'm going to have to abolish those tony. Yeah. You could probably wear a, like, Confederate flag clothes if you wanted. Yeah.

But this guy was, like, making a big statement. Like, you're all wrong about this flag. I always thought that'd be really funny. We talked about this before about a guy who has, like, a t-shirt and then under it is a Confederate flag, but you could see it. Like, it's like a white t-jews. Like, no, I'm not. Fine.

I'm not wearing my. confeder. I'm just wearing my white t-shirt. But I do, I also think the flag thing's really complicated because everything means something different to somebody else. Like to most people that means like something really bad. So it's like you're a dick if you're like flying that. But it is a difficult discussion with like if you were told

this doesn't mean racism, this doesn't mean racism. And then you're like people are already out, oh, this means racism. It's like everything means something different to different. Yeah. So it's like a tricky thing because I'm like, I'm not going to argue like symbols are different for every single person. So it's kind of like hard to like be like it's a it's not as cut and dry as a discussion. Yeah. Like when I saw the blue lives matter flag for the first time, I thought that was like a domestic violence flag.

Black and blue. I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, it's not far off. You get a lot of cops in their wives. He's kind of funny. I went to France once and all the teenagers there were wearing like Confederate flag clothes because they thought it was just like a cool American thing. You know what? They didn't know what it was.

So Kanye did a show in Paris, and he wore a confederate flag. So they're probably like, oh. That is different. No, I know. I'm saying they're probably like, oh, like this is like, this is like, what's sick. Yeah, I mean, this was in like, probably like 2000. Oh, like, 2006. As little can you Westin is the black body.

Go dig out of it. Yeah, it's a weird, like, I don't know. Yeah, it looks sick. What were you going to say? You had a story. Oh. dude, this is insane. Jake is gonna...

See, I feel like Jake has this thing where I tell him something... You keep about to tell the story and then you say how Jake is going to hate it. You're going to hate this story. And then we get so much. Because I always tell Jake something really fucked up and he goes, that's really upsetting to hear.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm not doing these crimes. I just... Like, I'm very good at separating myself. I don't know from... From the art and the artist. It's like, if I hear a story about a guy who like, I don't know, cut his penis off and like murdered 10 people with it,

I'm not like, I feel like Jake will hear that story and he's like, man, the world's not a good place. And I hear that story and I'm like, it's cartoonish because I'm like, big penis. Yeah, yeah. That's very sharp. But this guy was a medical doctor. And the thing is Jake is not going to like this story. I tell you, I tell you he's not going to like the story. Medical doctor as opposed to like a witch doctor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But did you spill water all over the place? No, I just broke my favorite cup. He drinks water out of the soup cup. I hate this fucking story already.

finish this fucking story. So he's a medical doctor. By the way, before I finish it, I just don't want you to think that like I... I'm just kidding. Okay, so anyways, medical... I couldn't possibly think less of you. Go ahead.

But, so a medical doctor. Medical doctor. It sounds like something that you'd hear in the South. Like, people say... He's a medical doctor. He's one of them medical doctors. him. Not a shoe doctor.

What would you call a professor? A professor. Okay. What would you call like a psychicol? Is that one of the teaching professors? Like I'm saying there's a medical doctor. That is a kind of doctor. And what?

There's a mental doctor? If you say I went to the doctor, I think I know you're talking about medical doctor. Right. But like, okay, there's a different. The thing is I say retarded stuff and then I try to prove my point and I realize there's no point trying to prove because I'm wrong. But anyways, this guy is a medical doctor.

He's a military doctor. And MD. An MD in the military. And this guy comes in, apparently, with a shoe box. And he, like, won't move the shoebox. Apparently, this guy banged a Pomeranian. It died

and seized on his penis. And this guy, like, I was like, this is a fake story. I swear on my life, this happened to this guy. Was this a soldier? Or was this a... It was a... expected troops. Wow.

Yeah. What if he was like the guy who killed bin Laden or something like that? Pomerini is a small dog. Yeah, yeah. But I'm like, at what point do you fuck a dog? Like that is, at what point do you go, I have to go to the doctor for this dead dog on my penis? Because I'm like, that is maybe the worst crime. Oh, the dog was still attached.

Yeah, he wasn't. You think he showed up with his Pomeranian? He's like, yeah, so I fuck this thing to death. Can you bring it back to life? I know you're just a medical doctor, not a witch doctor. But is there any chance you can bring him? bring this thing back to life. Well, that's what I thought.

That's so funny. Going to a veterinarian with like a dead cat and you're like, yeah, I fucked this thing to death. Is there anything you guys can do so I could fuck it again? Oh my God. So what did they have to do? Like, saw it off? Yeah, he said they had to like, uh, they, I forgot what he said, but they had to like loosen it up in a way that like, but I'm like, this is so crazy because I'm like,

first of all, I know there's like medical amnesty, but at what point when there's a dead, like, you've committed to every sex crime because the dog's underage, it's dead and it's an animal. I'm like, this is like, how, how many times did you try? to get the dead dog off your penis before you like went and we're like I'd imagine a lot yeah yeah yeah I would try to get it off several times before I showed it to someone dude I'm embarrassed like a second it dies you're like well off to the medical doctor close the shoebox around that's a funny the moment where he had to like cut a hole yeah yeah

dude just walking around yeah just what he'd have to end to like walk around is like his hut whatever he's in. Just with the dog hanging off the stick. Like, I had an old pair of Adidas. I got her a turkey

somewhere. Oh, can I see them? No. No. Yeah, it's such a crazy thing because it's like,

I don't like, they're, because he did see the shoebox at something. He was like, that's perfect. Yeah. It's the perfect size.

He had to hold it up next to it and be like, should have just fucked the shoebox. Yeah. Wow, that's, uh, I was like,

that is literally the craziest story I've heard in my whole entire. How do you even get a Pomeran, because I'm assuming he was in, this, this wasn't, this wasn't like a war related. Maybe it was this. Maybe they were in like, uh, Vietnam and they're about to eat the Pomeranian. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no. Let me save this thing. Let's fuck it first. Yeah. Nothing, but I guarantee it'll still be just as tasty. By the way, I just had a family friend. It'll be like a turduckin. I had a family friend recently tell my family that this podcast is

completely disgusting and I should be ashamed to myself. And after the last three minutes, I'm like, maybe she's right. Yeah. You know, it's not like a lovely story. No, but I'm like, I'll tell you what,

that is the most interesting story I have heard. It's pretty interesting. It shows how far humans will go, you know, to get their rocks off. Yeah, well, it's so crazy too,

because I love the argument. People that go, nobody does it. Like, I was talking to a friend recently and she was telling me, she's like, no women like purposely get pregnant from guys.

And I'm like, what do you? I was like, people fuck dogs. And then she's like, yeah, but it's like two people. Like,

no, no, no, I don't know. Thousands of people fuck dogs. Thousands. That means thousands of people at least try to get pregnant. There's no way.

I think a lot of people are trying to get pregnant. And some people try to get pregnant by dogs for science. I don't know. I don't know if it's possible. Yeah. I've always said this.

Look, don't have sex with animals, but I don't know if we've tried enough hybrids. What about animals have sex with each other? What if you take two animals? Have we tried to breed everything together? We've tried to breed a lot of things. Really?

Yeah. Like, can a monkey, fuck a dog is that a problem? Dude I was actually at this wedding this weekend and this uh this girl was telling the story that was like it was the saddest fucking story I ever heard she's like I lost my my dad's dog was like really small I got raped by this big dog and uh it got pregnant but the puppies were like too big for it to deliver so they had to like remove the puppies and then the dog was like smelling them like looking for its puppies but they were dead. That was one of those conversations I heard and just turned around and walked away.

I would too. I'd be like, I got a sitting outside. Like at a wedding? Jesus Christ. By the way, I told you the story about this wedding, right? No. I was heading upstate because I had a wedding this past weekend. I got my suit dry clean.

It's like hanging in my buddy's car. He picked me up in the train station. We got dinner. We're heading into town. all excited for the weekend. I get a call from the groom. And he's like, hey, I just want to let you know that some people dropped out if you want to come to the way.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, while you're already on the way over there. I'm already there. I talked to his dad after it. He's like, yeah, if you showed up, like, nothing would have happened. Like, it would have been totally, like, even if I wasn't invited. If I showed up, nobody would have even probably realized it. Did you eventually tell the guy?

You're like, I thought I was invited. I didn't tell him because I was, like, too scared to tell him. Because I didn't want to be like, yeah, dude, I assumed I was coming to your wedding. Because then, like, when I get married, I have to invite them, you know? Yeah, it's almost like spot trading with shows. Like, something you just buy, you got to give them one. It is. Yeah.

And I was almost going to the bachelor party, so I was like, oh, I'm locked into this wedding. Yeah. You know. Well, Bachelor parties are so different because everybody's pitching in. Yeah. So you're like, oh, okay, I guess this, you know, boat ride is going to be less expensive. So, like, everybody's, like, there's people at my brother's bachelor party that weren't in his wedding.

Yeah, yeah. So, it kind of does. I feel like I fall into that thing. thing because I think people do get a little nervous that I'll just grab a microphone. Really? Yeah. People have said at multiple weddings I've gone to,

people have been like, are you going to, are you going to grab the mic and go up there? I'm like, no, I'm not like a psycho man. That'd be so crazy. Hey, one more thing, huh? One more thing. One more. Like falling over.

You ever get a finger in your butthole? What about you guys, huh? Just destroy a wedding. I remember when the groom was just cheating on this braud over and over. Yeah, there is like that feat, like, dude, the people think that you can like completely, like, destroy events just with your words. I mean, it reminds me a lot of Harry Potter legacy. You really can't. It is, you know what, I will say this, like.

Do you ever try to hold a wand while you told a joke about trans people? That would be really much dressed up as a weird. You're like, just going to random out, trans people aren't real women. dressed up like a wizard. Because most Harry Potter fans, I think, are pro-trans. So it's very funny that I think they're at a little bit of a quandrium. Yeah. So it's funny the idea of a Harry Potter fan who's anti-trans,

dressed up like a wizard just being like, oh, they're not real women. Yeah. Words are powerful. Yeah, yeah. But... What? You can ruin an event, though.

Like, it is very fascinating. Like, the N-word is such a power. It's funny that you can end any... fun situation with one word. That, if you held a wand when you said the N word, something would happen. If you held a stick, there would be at least sparks that came out of the end. It's interesting because that in some ways makes white people more powerful than black. Because a black guy could say an N word in any situation, and no situation is that going to be a problem.

But it's like I could literally destroy. I am like a dark wizard of evil or a pale wizard. Like I could any situation, if I just say it, it just ruins that day. Yeah. I did say the N word. many times at this wedding. What was the context? The context was what they played the song,

They're not like us. Oh, okay. Well, that's... Dude, I got like three different N-word passes just to get me through that song. My friend Elijah, who's a quarter black, kept coming around. He's like, you're good.

You open up your wallet and it's like you have like all the like cards fall out. Pass, pass, pass. I feel like white people saying the N-word is like kids. kids with alcohol. It's like people give you certain occasions where it's like

give them a sip of the beer. You know, it's New Year. It is the sip of the beer. Yeah. Because it's like, everybody is like agrees. Like, okay, white people shouldn't say the N word.

But not everybody here's at that, but it's like one of those things. Well, here was my thing. Because like the song comes on, we're all singing it. And it's just a bunch of white people. Yeah. And you just hear everyone stop singing at the N word.

Yeah. I'm like, that's so disres. respectful to this song. But also Kendrick Lamar's the same guy who got really mad with somebody said the Edward at his concert. Yeah. But it's one of those things where it's like, it's like every black guy has a situation where they're like, okay, there's one occasion where a white person can say the, you know what

mean? They'll be like, okay, well, Louis or Tarantino. They're like, there's certain like that, but that's their version of like it's, you know, okay, you know, it's Easter. Maybe it's Easter. Yeah. Give them a sip of a mimosa. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I did feel a little like, I realized like, I realized like, oh, it's, you know, It's half of my, like, teachers and stuff that, like, used to teach me. And I'm just, like, on the dance floor saying the N word sober. That's, like, borderline a lot worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think it's also like, yeah, I think it's like, it's like, it's like anything else where, like, I said it as a teenager in, like, what I thought was a fun way. And now I'm like, I lost the ability to say, like, like, it's not even, it's like, it's like trying to drop into a half pipe after you've been, like, not skateboarding for years. And you're like, oh, I don't. I know how to nail this tricking, you know, that sounds awkward and makes everybody very uncomfortable.

You got pads on your elbows to say the end. Just where is my anti-end-word retaliation. I love the idea of a white guy who looks like I'm with a catcher and sandlot. Sorry, guys, I'm just getting ready to say the end. I do love the idea of a white guy going in night armor just to save the end. He's like, I think I could get away with it now. I think, you know, if I was a black guy. The knights who say me?

I saw a white guy walk up in a knight's uniform. I'd be like, the guy's going to say the N-word. That guy's been waiting to say it for a long time. Or like one of those like the British guards that just stand there all day. Yeah. Like people are like, they just blast one. That's the only word they could say. Oh shit.

Let me leave you. I really want to try to get one of those guards to say something. Can you, like, what is it? They're not allowed to talk at all. Is that what it is? Wait, what is this? Those guards? Yeah, they're supposed to, although I did see a video of someone.

They can talk. They can, yeah. It's a little Red Robin video where they go red Robin and he goes, yum. I saw one of this, like, guy that was, like, annoying one of them, and the guard just fucking knocked him out and went right. back to standing there. Dude, the idea of one of those guys fighting,

somebody is hilarious with that thing on his head. Those Red Robin commercials are fucking awesome. They're just so genius. It's like genius market. It's a refill that forever. Yeah. Every new one I see, too, I'm like, it's fucking classic.

Yeah, they always put like, every one of their burgers, though, has like bramble on it. You know what I've never been to Red Robin? I've never seen one. I've seen, like, the pictures. They're like, look at this fucking burger. Yeah.

And there's like a pile of shit on top of it. I like the idea of getting really fucked up at a Red Robin. I don't know. There's something about I like Chaney places like that, like a Daveen Busters or like a, like a TGI Fridays. I think I've gotten, I've drinking all those places. Can you drink in a Red Robin? You can bring liquor there. Yeah, you can really drink anywhere.

I just refuse to leave. You can actually, you can drive your car straight through the front of Red Robin and then drink. And chug a bit of the whiskey. I love crying. like that, like, just getting kicked out of like a Barnes & Noble for like being wasted. It's just so funny. Just wasted in the children's book.

Dude, the times. Hungry Caterpillar of my fucking ass. Reading Percy Jackson, Lightning Thief, and just weeping. Just throwing up in the book. Closing it.

Yeah, I remember not knowing that book was written by a, it's written by a woman, right? I don't know. I remember there's just one part where like she clearly doesn't... Percy Jackson? Yeah.

No, he was written by a guy. Okay, it must be gay then. His name's Rick. Oh, okay. Because remember there's one part, Rick Jackson, Jaxx. Where he... Rick, Percy Jackson, Zeus. It's like the first book he's like looking up to...

Like, whoever that guy is at the camp who he's like looking up to. I remember just reading this feeling this is very homoerotic. He's like, the older guy, he has like a huge crush on. I could never get into those books. Well, it's about like Greek mythology. And Greek mythology is all like... Perfect. A little gay.

It's a little gay, a little pervy. Yeah. But aren't Greeks now, like, very homophobic? I think that's what happens. When the Greek god of, like, testicular cancer, whatever, just fucks you in the ass. You're like, well...

I don't know. I'm not sure I feel about those people. That'd be fun to be, like, a modern day. Like, what is that? Is that paganism? What is that? Believing in the Greek gods? Just some sort of,

not monotheism. what's it called? paganism is like what's the guy's name? Polytheism. Polytheism. That'd be a fun one. You really believe in that

and live your life by it. Yeah. I don't even think Indian people really believe in like all the gods they talk about. I think they're kind of like yeah, it's kind of like a metaphor.

You don't think not a single one of them do? This is all generalizations. I don't like one Indian guy. I never even talked to them about it. I don't know. I just like I don't think that like most of them

that our Hindu, like, actually believe in, like, Vishnu and, like, the guy with the four blue arms, I don't know. Catholicism is a little bit, like, Greek gods, because if, like, you lose something, you don't pray to God, you pray to St. Anthony. Yeah, so retarded. My mom would say that all the time. Or if you get, like, a fish bone stuck in your neck, you pray to St. Blaze. Yeah, those...

Very specific thing. There's, like, patron saints for everything. Yeah, that's just... It's so stupid. I don't know. It's, like, patron saint. for hanging wet laundry. Pray to that.

Fucking idiot. Yeah. I like, I don't know, I never got into that. My mom would always say pray to San Anthony. I was like, how would I actually spend time looking for the thing? Instead of praying to a weird guy who I don't even know what he did. Did you just find all the things? Yeah, maybe he put it back for you.

Have you ever lost anything like super valuable and you just never found it? Dude, I'll lose my full wallet like in my house and it never is. And I move. I clean out the whole entire house. There's like an inspector coming in because you know you get charged if you move out of apartments. Like you get charged if you leave trash in there. So I'm searching every corner. They're like, it's completely inspected.

It's empty. I'm like, well, then where the fuck did my wallet? They charge you for your wallet? Yeah. You live $400 here. We're going to need $400. I lost, yeah. I lost, I've lost my wallet so many times. I've lost.

I had my wallet stolen by the assistant golf pro at a golf course. Oh, you just wait this. this was really funny. Yeah. I, like, left it on a cart, and, like, it was right after the round, and I got back to my car, and I was, like, look in my bag for my wallet, and I saw the golf pro driving my cart, and I was like, hey, is there a wallet in there? And he's like, uh, no, I didn't see anything.

And then, like, a day past we went to the golf course and, like, talked to the Greenskeeper, and he was like, I don't trust that guy. I think that guy's up to something bad, talking about the golf pro. and my dad called the golf pro because he knew him and the guy just admitted everything over the phone. He's like, I stole it, I threw it out, and he's like, this is how much money I took. He was like addicted to gambling or something.

Sure, he's fine now. And then he paid me everything back. What do you call him a golfing pro and not a pro golfer? Because the golf pro is like the pro on the actual golf. Like the, he stays with one golf course, but he's not like a professional golfer. He's not in the PGA. So he only golfs that course?

He's like the, if someone needs like a ruling on something, he's there or what happens in like, what if Tiger Woods shows up does he kick the guy out? He's like, I'm the pro. I'm the pro now. It is like pirates. Tiger Woods is allowed to mutiny and take over that golf course, I guess.

They have to have very boring competitive game. Yeah, I think, no. Is there trash talk and golf ever? Oh, yeah. Dude, professional golfers are psychos. They're so cocky. Well, it's also such a, like, it takes so much concentration that that's like what kind of like,

like sometimes like, I don't know, like obviously football and like other sports are aggressive, but sometimes you get really like, you get people to play football that are kind of just jacked retards. And they're kind of like, I'm, you know, I like, I like playing football. I like fucker chicks. And they're like, oh, this is a regular guy.

But then something takes so much concentration, kind of, there's something psychotic about that. It also takes confidence to get there. Like, you have to believe in your shots and stuff like that. So you have to have, like, if you ever saw, like, a video of Phil Meckleson, like, he is a fucking psycho. He thinks he's the best, he still thinks he's the best player ever. He thinks he's better than Tiger Woods. Like, it's crazy.

But it's just that, like, will, that confidence that just powers you through, you know? Yeah, yeah. If you have any doubt, you're probably not going to be that great. That's probably why I'm not killing it at golf. I'm so bad at it. But it's so much fun. Like my parents live on a golf course. And it's like,

God, it's, I mean, we definitely, uh, I think broke my mom's window. We went out like, this is like probably like six months ago. We went out, because we were out drinking and golfing all the time because you can just go at night. And,

uh, my mom, they have like the courses light up. They have lights. No, but it's light enough with the stars that you could see like, we've glowing. Really?

Yeah. Oh, go and okay. I was going to say like, how the fuck. Yeah, they're glowing the dog balls. And I just remember like,

my mom's window just got completely, the next morning, she completely shattered. I'm like, we didn't hear anything. I was like, I don't think it was us. I'm like, maybe it was somebody at like 9 a.m. that was golfing. And I'm like, the more I thought about it, I'm like, I feel like my friend, for sure.

Just just, just destroyed my mom's window. That's, dude, Florida, it's kind of cool because the courses like meander through these, like, communities. Yeah, but it becomes a problem because, like, everybody's car gets fucked up by golf balls. Everybody's grandma gets in and dies. Hurricanes.

What? He's saying other words. There's other shit. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. It is like... Gators. What's that?

Gators. Gators. Have you ever kissed a gator? I would. I would 100% do it yet. I'd love to see a video of like a gator going like this. You kiss it and then it just runs back into the water. It's nervous.

Oh no. I'm not ready for this. My favorite thing is the country club. My parents remember they had like a, they had to get like a gator out because he's like, by like everybody. Yeah. And they just had to bring the gator guy to the country club, which is hilarious. Because it's just like all these like really, you know, like preppy white people and the guys like, hey, man, it's like no teeth.

He's covered a gator teeth. Like it's like gator teeth, wristbands, gator teeth. The local gator pro. Yeah. Yeah, dude, those guys are, it's so funny to be like a gator guy. Gator woods. Dude, I might start doing Gator culture, dude. I kind of like gator culture.

You should. It's sick. You get some gator boots. Have ever seen the turtle man? that guy was on TV. Yeah, he's a psycho also. He got arrested. Did he?

For, like, illegally selling some kind of, like, animal. He was in, like, the illegal animal trade. I mean, that makes sense. That's such a funny thing. Dude, he would... There would be, like, a pond in Louisiana, and he would see, like, bubbles, and he would just dive in

and just pull snapping turtles out by their tails. That's awesome. It just... It was crazy. I've seen people do that, though. I've seen one guy doing, his name was Panda. And he had tattoos. on his feet that he did himself

and were not very good. Yeah, those guys, like, don't normally live past 26. Like, that kid who, like, does backflips and stuff like that. And he's like, dude, I can do all kinds of cool shit. Like, I can do a handstand to backflip. I can, like, you know. I feel like the big indicator is the kid who used to flip their eyelids. Dude, yeah.

You know what? One of my friends, tell you what, he used to do that. My dad did tell me what he was like, I don't know if that guy's going to make it. The guy's still alive, but he's really great. It's just like, it's just first grade fentanyl. Yeah. that's such an indicator of a terrible That guy is doing well

But he went through a tough patch Dude he went to boarding school Like yeah yeah That fucks it Yeah it's so funny Oh dude that was so disgusting When people would do that Yeah if your name's like Robbie

And you could do like a backflip Like you were You're probably dead now Dude I used to know this guy name I'm gonna say his name Robbie Houlehann He was a pro wakeboarder Did I talk about this guy before

Oh man that guy was sick He could do like bad It's so funny that's like it's like a huge culture in Florida as being like sick as hell at wakeboard because it does look cool. Yeah. But it is like I don't know what it.

I don't know it's weird. Sometimes you like win a boat in a competition. Oh really? Yeah, it's like a 16 year old kid would like win a boat because he could do a backflip. Finally I don't have to wakeboard anymore. What is so funny to do because it's also one of those things like

not that many people aren't doing it. Yeah. So like it is insanely impressive. He's going to do like a backflip on like a wakeboard. But you're also like your competition is like nine other guys in Florida. Yeah. And then randomly like New Zealand guys. Like randomly there's shit like that.

I went to like wakeboarding camp as a kid. They're like, oh, yeah, the New Zealanders are in town. Oh, shit. And they're like, how are we getting awake born? It's going to be pretty sick, bro. I imagine there's a few people who think wakeboarding is going to a wake and then shutting the casket and jumping on top. And flipping it.

Ollie. That was his name. Ollie. That was my Jamaican lawn guy's dad. That was my Jamaican lawn guy's name. name Ollie. I came one time he was like a zombie and he had a chains. I was like dying.

He goes, sorry man, I got to do this. And then he just shoved a chains on. Name Sally. How you doing? Where's your yard? Time for me to trim those hedges on Bali. Dude, he had one of those giant. You know one of those like things with dreadlocks where you're like, there's no way

you have that much hair? Oh, yeah. There's like a Marge Simpson giant. He just looks like a house plant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's all in one like beanie. It's just like, it's like at that point, I don't know what's like. Oh, yeah, what's under there?

He looks like alien Romulus. It's like a, it's like a Trojan, what do you call it? Trojan stank. No, no, no. What are like the giant, the, the, the magnum. It's like, yes, like a magnum. Condom on his hat, yeah. Yeah, those, uh, those, I don't know, that kind of hair should be illegal, I think.

Well, there's bars in the South that are really funny. They won't say like, oh, we don't let black people in, but they're, like no dreadlocks, no saggy fans. And you're like, all right, you're, uh, no cool demeanor. Nobody with a cool, deep voice. Dude, I have a theory that a lot of these bodegas are trying to keep black people out. Wow. What makes you say that? But definitely. A lot of them don't sell Arizona sweet tea. Oh, that's interesting. Because I love sweet tea. Yeah, yeah. And I notice, like, a lot of them have every Arizona can. But they don't have. But not the sweet tea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think, it's like a little not for you, sir.

Yeah, that is a thing. Because black people love sweet tea. Yeah, yeah. Every one of them. Every, yeah, yeah. Every, yeah. There's not a single one that doesn't. I think you can make that blanket statement. I think I can.

This is a blanket podcast. Yeah, I'm sorry. Actually, this is the morning good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, now it's from bed. I feel like it wasn't on it. So if I was on top of it, it's my podcast. I'm like, this is sick, because I'm kind of feeling kind of, uh,

Who you talking to, Jake? Pig-Bog? No. Do you have a lady? Oh, ho! No. I think everybody I've talked to who's been happy now. Like, the last two weeks, everybody's been in.

I think the past two weeks I've been in the best mood since I was seven years old. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck happened. Don't know what it is. Wow. Every single person I'm talking to is going through this. Oh, I'm like very not happy. Oh, okay. Never mind.

I'm sorry, buddy. No, I've been pretty. I think depressed since this wedding because it's like you see like love. They didn't even want you there. What was it? Yeah, because I wasn't even supposed to be there. And you see like all your friends like

falling in love, getting married, like starting to buy houses and I'm like God. It's all I want. See, because I just got out of a breakup, I'm like the divorced asshole that's like, that's not fun at all. You gotta be. You gotta be gay. You gotta be. You gotta fuck guys

You gotta fuck girls Yeah I'm very much like I'm that guy that's like Oh you think that's fun huh Well I finger the girl A couple weeks ago Yeah yeah It's like you ever talk to that guy

He's been divorced too many times And he's just like Yeah you don't want love What you want is my life Yeah I don't want your life My boss is like that Yeah

I was just like Yeah Every time I go to a wedding He's like Ah they'll get divorced in five years I'm like not them They will They will

It is it is So, like, I hate how much of, like, a cynic I am about. I think we talk about marriage. I'm just, like, the biggest marriage sin. I'm not like, don't do it. But every time I go, I'm just like, I don't know. I still cried every wedding. Like, almost everything when I cry, because I think it's beautiful.

But I don't think that, like, just because you get divorced means the wedding wasn't worth it. It's like, you still got to, like, live a great life with that person for, like, seven years or whatever. Yeah. Or 25. I think it's financially a good thing, too. No, no, no. Because when you get divorced, you lose half your money. Yeah, but that's, yeah.

the divorce, the marriage part. You're combining two incomes. If you do a marriage, if you have a good marriage, it's good financially. If you were to get a one bedroom in the city with two incomes, it's pretty good. Yeah. No, I'm like, I'm like, I finally got to the point with the breakup

where I feel good. Like it took fucking, I'm not all the time. Like, I cry, you know, Blink 182 comes out, I'll cry a little bit, but that's everybody. Yeah. But it's like one of those things where I'm like, I feel good. I'm like, this is like I've accepted that I'm broken up. Is the name Blink 182?

Because this is my theory. There's 365 days in a year. So 182 is about half of that. Okay. And you're asleep, like half your life. So Blink, like half your life, your eyes are closed. 182 days a year, your eyes are closed. I hate that I know the answer to why they're called Blink 182.

Why are they called Blinkwainty? there was a band called Blink already. There was a band Blink 181. Yeah, we got to go. I'm wearing some 41, sure, right now, yeah. Blinks won through 181 existed. Well, it's like there was a, they started making lies. They're like, oh, it's actually the amount of times they say fuck in the movie Scarface.

Then they're like, it's actually the weight of this band memory. But they were like, we literally just chose a random number to. I think that means my theory stands. Yeah, maybe that's how much you am. Yeah, I think I was right. Yeah, I love that Tom DeLong just left to study aliens for like five years and then came back. He's got a name that sounds like he's got a huge cock. Tom DeLong.

The Long. Dick Long. I got the long. There's a picture at like some sports game. It's a guy. This lady's just so not into it. You like that? I got the long.

You'd be upset if my name was Desloat. the tiny De regular De regular De regular Me my brother John Deregular I know it's not how

the name works I got a new nickname because my dick was so big The doctors thought it was appropriate that I changed my entire name So you're gonna have to change it Your dick is way too small To be Tom Jansen

You're gonna have to be Tom DeLong I got The Long dick You ever seen it Andrew Dice Clay. Yeah. Having sex that Andrew Dice Clay has to be the most insane experience.

There's no way he's a gentle. There's no way that guy's like, oh, you having a good time? Maybe he is. Maybe he's one of those guys. Yeah. That's possible.

Do you think he still has sex? Yeah, dude. You think so? For sure, that guy gets pussy. I don't know why people even want to have sex. He seems like such a silly guy that I don't think he can like turn that off when he's having, Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I think he's just still doing goofs. Which is a bummer for me, because when I have sex, I like to be very serious. So I guess I'm never going to fuck it. He's just like, hey, oh. How about you fucking flip over? It's a bummer for me. Hey, how about you leave those stockings on, baby?

I'm like, stop. Yeah. Yeah, there's no way he's not disgusting, dude. Him just. Oh, let me put a president in that stocking. that wasn't even a good impression. I feel like you come in his mouth and he spits in his hands and just wipes his hair back, just gels his hair back.

But you come in his mouth? Yeah. I think he's coming in my mouth. He's got those special gloves on for you. You don't think he has like a... Oh, that's true. Yeah. Do you think he's only allowed to finger that far?

Legally. He has to wear the gloves because they're like, you'd be too powerful. It is... I will say, not to just jump back to the Tom DeLong thing. That is my favorite alien thing is that they came to the lead singer of Blinquin 82. And he's just like, he's on Joe Rogues. Yeah, no, they just like want me to release this information.

It's like, why would they come to you? He's like they wanted somebody important, powerful. It's like, I don't think you realize that like people like Blinkin A2, but you're not like Paul McCartney. It's just insane. They're like, yeah, no, we're going to go, we're going to have Ashton Coucher release the alien files. It's like, why the fuck would you choose that? Ashton Coucher really fell off, I feel like. Dude, he just did that one thing where, like, he, like, was apologetic, or he, the Danny Masterson thing just kind of got him in trouble.

Oh, yeah, didn't he stood with Danny Masterson, right? Not with him, but he was like, he wrote a character witness, which is like, I, uh, I've done that. Not for Danny Masterson, but it's like, you basically just say, I know this person and I've had good experiences with this person. You're not saying this person's like innocent. Like, he doesn't have anything to hide. Yeah, he was in the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's annoying, too, because I really like his brother.

And I guess his brother's still cool, right? Who's his brother? He's the older brother from Macklin Middle. Oh, that's Danny Masterson's brother? Yeah, yeah. Oh, he rules. Right. Do both of them?

You want to hang out? He probably rapes. Yeah. Probably. Yeah, that seems to happen to people who are sick as hell. Consistently. If you think somebody's cool, they're probably raping. It's very unfortunate.

It is. Yeah, there's the occasional one that you're like, oh, yeah, that's expected, obviously. Yeah. I'm like out of energy here. I'm so tired. Where are we out of time? I think we're like close. We got like 10 more minutes.

No, we're going to go 10 more minutes. We're going to do it. Yeah, the guy also told me this story, the same guy. Actually, no different guy told me this story. This is another fun story. I heard this story about this guy who is cheating on his girlfriend. And so she made a kick account. Like, you know that like a...

Like the, yeah, I'm a fake person. Yeah, yeah, and sexed it with him and got him to shove a finger in his ass and send her a picture as another girl and then she sent him that picture. Oh, wow. And I realize nothing looks dumber than fingering your own. There's no human thing that makes you look like more than an idiot. I don't even know how I would photograph that. It's insane. Yeah, yeah.

I need like a series of trapeze. Exactly you finger your ass. You're just in a circus O-A-style thing. You guys would. be on different sides of my room pulling levers that are just slowly raising my legs. All right, now the photograph. It's also, it's so funny to me because, like,

Alan was doing something where he was, like, farting or getting his assy in the last episode with his legs up, and, uh, it got the least amount of views. So I feel like the foot guys were like, Alan's not hot, so I'm not listening to this podcast. His feet look weird. Yeah, they just saw it. They saw it just like a video on like porn hub,

but they're like, no, Thank you. Go ahead and move past this one, not for me. Yeah, they're fickle. Yeah, well, the crazy thing is, dude, you know Stephen Bowles, the comic? No. He made $1,300 on Onlyfans. Like total?

No, like a month. Wow. Yeah, that's crazy. That's pretty cool. Yeah. What does he do? Takes videos him just jerking off. Oh.

I don't know if I do that. Yeah, I don't know. Dude, I am like seconds away. By the way, this isn't just because I know my dad listens to my podcast. This isn't me asking for money,

but that would also be a very funny plan if every week on the podcast, I'm like, yeah, no, I'm going to start posting pictures in my butthole on the internet for money. My dad's like, take all of them, you can borrow money for me.

It's not a big deal. I'm going to start exploring my urethron. You can? Okay, okay, okay, do you want a car? What can I do to elevate your career? I will call every comedy club in America and get you books for the next three years.

I'll do work for you. My son's asshole is not going to, on the internet. Does he have a nice big cock? My dad? I don't think so. No, I don't think so. I thought all dads are nice big cox. Yeah, he does. No, I mean, uh, bowls. Maybe. He's like a tall guy who looks like Jesus. He probably has a big cock.

But, uh, yeah, I don't know. Now that I got fired, by the way. So who's, like, paying to see someone whack off? Um,osexual men. I don't understand that. There's so much, like, free stuff. I get it. I paid for Only fans because what happens is here, I'm going to get dead. You see a... Just come back. We're almost there.

I'm like sweat. I am falling asleep over here. I think the thing with OnlyFans is like, you see a hot girl and there's something about you knowing that person seeing more of them that it's like... It's like, it's like such a tease. It's like, if you saw an actress in a movie and then she's like, for two bucks, you can see my tits, you'd be like, okay, now I want to see them because I haven't seen them. Yeah. Well, isn't also, I mean,

aren't there guys that just like, like, giving money away? Yeah, there's like that fin-dum stuff, but I think a lot of that's fake.

Every girl that's like, I have a pay pig, right? I have a sugar daddy, and all, all that happens is he, like, he, like,

takes me out to nice restaurants. I'm like, you're sucking that guy's dick. Also, that's just what a boyfriend does. Yeah, yeah. What a boyfriend does? Well,

I mean, there's so many guys who, like, I was talking to a stripper one time, and I was like, do guys ever come into the strip club to just give you money and, like, not engage with you in any way? And she was like, oh, yeah, that happens all the time.

Like, there are guys that are like, they don't know how to, like, be around women or, like, express their sexuality. And so they think, like, I just have to make a bunch of money. And then they make a bunch of money and they're like, I still don't know how to do it. So I only have money. Right. But I think their end game is still pussy. Yeah, but some guys are just like, I haven't even been out with a lady. So just have a hot girl talking to me in public.

I'll give her $500 bucks. Yeah, that makes sense. People have all sorts of weird things going on. I think the amount of girls I've heard this from, there's so many girls

that are for sure banging their sugar daddies and they're like, oh, no, I'm just, they're like, I don't fuck this guy. I'm like, I bet you do. Yeah. I bet you do, you stinky whore. Once I heard that there were

guys out there who wanted to fuck other guys, I realize there's a lot of weird. There's a lot of money to be made. last week you're like, what? Dude's fuck dudes in the butt. But yeah, I gotta get a new thing. Well, I'm working a new job right now. It was, I was hilarious getting fired on Adderall because I like, I took Adderall because

I was slacking at my sales job. And then they like hop on and they're like, hey, we're going to let you go. I'm like, huge mistake for you. I'm so confident. Is this the way, is this the first job you got fired from that was unrelated to your podcast? I think so. No, no, no. It's, I have multiple times.

I get fired all the fucking time. But it was just very funny getting fired on Adderall. I'm just like, no, no, I don't think you understand. Like, I can save this company. Like, my confidence is, I'm like, you guys haven't even seen my full potential. It would have been funny if they're like, Michael, we listen to your podcast and you're like, oh, God. And they're like, that was the last real hope we had attached to you. You're such a bad employee.

We have to let you. Look, unless you could use some sort of crossover episode, we're not going to keep so. Improve the dominance in the morning good nudes from bed, multivers. Nudes from bed. Did you just start a... Is there going to be fan fiction? Nudes from bad? Yeah.

Oh, wait. Somebody keeps asking this question. Have either you guys given a wedgie? They keep... Well, why don't you want to participate in the comments? You have fans. This is a woman who asked, have you guys have gotten a wedgy. And I...

This is the... This is where it's gotten. I've kind of been like, ha-ha, yeah, like, whatever. Yeah, maybe, maybe someday. But it's like, what is this? I don't believe that anyone asks... I love the... There's like a...

kind-hearted person behind that comment who listened to the podcast where all that's talked about is pedophiles, aliens, feet, diarrhea, all the gross sex. And she's like, I know what'll get these guys engines running. Have any of you guys given a wedge?

I just can't, I'm like instinctively trained to know that any requests coming in are just for sexual gratification. It's so funny because I just see like, I saw it so like fan mail. I'm like, thanks for asking Jessica from North Dakota. I've in fact

gotten and given a wedgy. No, there's a girl who really wants someone to get a wedgy live on the show. Oh, I mean, I'll do it. I'll be the pig. You'll get a wedgy? If it helps you guys, yeah. I'll give you a wedgie. Do you want to do it? Yeah, let's do this. We have to stand up. I don't want to be on my

knees getting away. What point are we just making gay porn at this point? What are we do? We are. Okay, let me, why don't you guys come up here? let me adjust the camera. I don't want to do it anymore. No, it's not happening. You're like doctor like thing. Suddenly Michael's aware that people are jerking off to this podcast.

You know what? It's what they've been doing the whole time. Zach Russell looked into my numbers. Half them are coming from the feet. Half them are coming from other stuff. Wow. Yeah. How does he know that?

You can see what playlist brought people. Because people are putting our podcasts on playlist and some people putting on feet ones. Some people putting on comedy ones. So there's like other ways that are getting. So 50% are feet people, 50% are people that are fans. That's great. Nice. Yeah.

But we got to wrap up. I think there are any comedy people that click on it and they're like, I can also masturbate to this. This is wonderful. This is like a two-for. Oh, God. I like when you have to, when you're like, all right, time to wrap up the podcast in this bed. That's pretty fun. Well, the great part about this is like, I don't have to, like, you did all the setup.

Yeah, you don't have to clean shit up. Yeah. Yeah. If you're here, if you're watching. Morning Good podcast, check out News from Bed. This is what News from Bed looks like, usually. And if you're here for News from Bed, check out the Morning Good podcast. Yeah, and if you didn't like this, just know that that's because it was news from bed, not because it was morning good.

Or the other way around, whatever you decide. You. The listener. Jacob. You think their name is Jake. Thomas. Your name's Jacob. I do got to get going.

You want to promote anything? No. All right. Bye, bye.