Morning Good - Nose Goes - Episode 248

Episode Date: December 8, 2024

Grant Moore and Paddy Defino join the show for today's episode. They talk about Criss Angel MindFreak, the UHC CEO assassination, and Grant's new Tubi special .Thanks to Grant for coming on the show for the first time. Check him out at the links down below and check out Paddy on previous episodes of the show as well.Grant's new special is part of the Tubi series, Jokes on Us: New Voices in Comedy, and we highly recommend you check it out and give it a thumbs up. Besides that, he's also on Instagram @pawgofwar and is starting a new podcast Call Him Father very soon. Paddy Defino is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and hosts News From Bed on YouTube.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast. 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to the morning. All right. So I'm here with Grant Moore and Patty Defino. And we definitely just recorded the greatest episode of Morning Good. and I unplug the thing and completely erase the episode. I'm sorry, just keep your eyes on this. I'm going to keep my feet up here.

Let's just pretend the floor is lava. That's not a bad idea. And then there's no possible way. It will fucking unplug this. Yeah, now people have no idea what I think about the Holocaust or trans bathrooms. They'll have no clue. I don't know if they have to wonder too much to get. Let's just say the message is intertwined with each other.

But, yeah, I guess we could talk about Grant. Thank God. Yeah. Yay. Tube. Tube. Jokes on us, baby. You can watch it.

It's free. That's what it's called jokes on us. That's the full, yeah, that's the full special. I did not, I have no problem with the name, but I did not name it.

That's Tube's doing it. Can I say that I have a problem with the name? Absolutely. Okay. I got a problem with the name. Yeah, okay. Sorry.

I don't know. I don't know. I legally have to walk off this. Yeah. Honestly, yeah. It's a mutiny. We could mutiny this podcast, too, by the way, Greg. I don't have the gun.

I don't know if anyone's ever done that on the history of a podcast. No, it would be where I take over. Me and Grant kick you off the podcast. All right, let's see how that goes. And we're the captain of the show. Okay. I genuinely don't think it would be as good, so I'm not going to do it. That's very sweet of you to say that.

I don't know if it would be good, but I think it would be history and podcasting. Yeah, because everybody does the other thing. Like, anytime I have a friend. friend that goes on a bigger podcast, they don't say a word. Yeah. They are so scared. I'm like, you inject yourself into the conversation. That's why, like, Tim Dillon has a career because you've got to podcast.

He's like, what about you shut the fuck up, Joe Rogan? I'm going to talk about this. That's why Joey Diaz has a career. That's why Theo. It's like you have to take over the fucking show. Yeah, but some people just don't have the personality for that. Or the balls, dude. I don't have the balls.

You say your balls are small. My balls are much smaller. If you put me on Joe Rogan, I literally will drag my testicles across his bald forehead. It's funny to think. might be his height, though. That might not be his. It's funny to think, like, most of the podcast Tim Dillon is on,

he, like, secretly wants to have sex with those guys. I always forget that. Because all podcasts are run by men. He does want to probably have sex with those guys. And every man in comedy is good-looking. Yeah, of course. I don't know about Joey Diaz.

Yeah, but he's not even in comedy anymore. That is, he quit. He's in sandwiches now. But not a special football. Thune of So. Are you the Joe DeRosa? Oh, yeah, I've mixed those. You pick comedy for a guy who comedians, right? I know.

I don't even know. Do you remember who Miss Doubtfire even is? Who? Exactly. Yeah, yeah. I doubt it. The Queen of Harlem. Live at the Apollo with Mrs. Dowdfire.

Or sorry, Miss. Yeah. You're going to pick up those shoes or what? Why don't you just do Miss Dowdfire's voice? Yeah. I don't know how, is this Ms. Doddfire? Is she? Oh, I'm Miss Dowdfire.

Yeah, something like that. Did somebody try to fuck her at one point of the movie? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I just make sure it was my thoughts. That's very worthy of a rewatch. What if Mrs. Doubtfire was just like a, it was a movie about like a black woman who her apartment was on fire,

but she didn't know because she never changed the batteries on her smoke alarm. Sure. So her smoke alarm just kept beeping, and she's like, it's always beeping. There ain't no fire in here. She does. I would say that would be better.

Honestly, that was really good. Was a drum this big with a skin this big? You're really? I just can't get over how much of a fucking heater that 47-minute podcast was. Dude, I'm ready to, I'm looped up. I'm sure. You're about to see some bits. My brain is functioning now.

I'm the opposite. I'm tapped out. It's been over an hour since I've been. You got to eat more sugar, eat more sour strows. That is a good. Yeah, you got a little sour strong. Dude, sugar is what the brain wants. Thank you.

You know who Phil Helmuth is? I always thought it was pornography. Now, should we do your thing or my thing? I'm open to either. What did you say? I said you said sugars with the brain wants. I said I thought it was pornography. Well, that's the sugar of the internet.

But your brain runs on glucose. Oh, okay. Is another Andrewsuberman kind of guy? No, Phil Helmuth is one of the best poker players of all time. But he eats candy during tournaments. Is that the guy with the face hats? He is the guy who has, he's always wearing his own merch hat and then glasses. And he always freaks out because he's like kind of on the spectrum.

Yeah, that seems like a lot of poker guys. The glasses. Yeah, that really didn't help at all, actually, if you watch any poker. The glasses? No, like that description. Like, they all do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he started it.

Glasses should be illegal in poker, by the way. You mean normal glasses or? Sunglasses. Sunglasses. Yeah. Are they illegal? I don't know. I don't think so.

Because if I was to ask Dan Bilzerian, who is a Holocaust denier. Wow. Shohorn alert. Revisionist. Revisionist. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's, we can do that again.

You sound like a Holocaust denier apologist when you call somebody a Holocaust revisionist. Because I don't think there's anybody that thinks that there was not a technical Auschwitz. But I guess they don't want to be a Holocaust. Do you know David Ike is? He's the lizard people guy. Oh yeah, he kind of, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he full, my limited understanding is that he fully thinks it was all faked.

So it's not like, the people, there's people who are like, there's certain people, who are like, there's no, the numbers are off, there's no way this many people die. Right, right. But David, I think. It's funny, because that conspiracy is just, oh, Jews are over exaggerate. Like, the whole conspiracy theory is just that Jews are exaggerated. It's like, it's like inception level anti-Semitism. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're complaining. Yeah, exactly. It would suck to be just like a really nice autistic guy who's just like... His numbers obsessed. He could not grapple with the fact that the numbers aren't adding up. His life is just a spinning misery of hell. Because he can never talk about it. Because he can't talk about it.

But he has done the men. They just keep running in his head. And it was more like four or five years. Yeah. It's like the guy who craps. the challenger, like going back afterward and being like, no, no, no, I didn't know. No, I didn't mess this up.

Oh, is that it? Is it one guy's fault? I assume it was like a failure on a lot of people's... No, but there's no way anybody took the blame for it. It's got to be one of those things. That had to be the world's fastest nose goes around. Yeah, yeah. It's like basically like you ever see like a girl drop a glass at a bar and then just

every girl just goes every opposite direction. Oh, yeah. And then a guy will just, a guy will just be like getting his hands covered in glass. And they're like, don't do that either. You're like, neither of these are the correct way to deal with glass on the ground. You say somebody dropped a glass. But like, yeah. This happened when I was back home.

I saw like four times like a woman drop a glass and then just, just dart out of the box. Four times? Probably four times. Oh, I'm so stupid. I thought it was the same lady. But wouldn't you think like, separate occasions? Yeah, yeah. Wouldn't you think the psychology of the girl would be like, oh, dropping a glass means that

whoever dropped that is very drunk, a, i.e., easy to fuck. Wouldn't you think being around? that is almost like, oh, now your location has been pinged that in this area there's someone that's really drunk that would maybe have sex with me. It's like an echo locator for sloppiness. Yeah, so

it's like, so then guys kind of look like, ooh. So maybe she's trying to avoid rape. Is what you're saying? Maybe. By running away? Oh! Wow. That's a really smart point. I think she just doesn't. It's like the ninja move of like the disappearing bomb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of shards

and shards of mug. chasing a girl to like raper. You're like, you can't run away from your problems. Patrick. It's actually Padrick. It is Patrick. What?

Yeah. It's P-A-D-R-A-I-C. Damn, that's fucking Irish. That's crazy. The ODI-C-D-I-C-T find out what it means to me. He's going to move to St. Pete, make me a real science. How much are you going to miss him? I'm going to miss him so much.

But also, I am going down there, like, right when he goes down there. Michael L. lives in Florida. Yeah, I go out. Yeah, you're like from there, right? I'm going back for two more weeks. St. Peter is cool.

Yeah, it's nice. Oh, by the way, I didn't watch your special, but I saw a still of your special. And you mean like a picture, right? Yeah, like a picture of, by still, I mean, people were like, he's still doing this. Oh, shit. You scoundrel.

The black, no, I just buried me. And by special, we mean retarded. Yeah. guys, I thought you were going to support me. Did you have to get special education before you did that? Nice. Nope. I used to think it was special when I was a kid.

I thought that was their first time doing stand-up. I thought you wrote a letter to Comedy Central and you're like, these are all the jokes I'm going to do. And they're like, okay, yeah, see how this goes. Yeah. So I was like so discouraged because I write so many jokes in high school. I was like, this is not as good as fucking Kevin Hart. I was like, what am I thinking?

When did you realize that they weren't just thinking of it all in the spot? Like way later. I was like 17. I'm still not convinced. Yeah. Well, I, some of these open mics. The best jokes.

The best jokes are written on stage for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I tried. My brother also had that recently. He saw Shane Gillis like do a thing where he like messed up and said something. And then he saw on the special.

He's like, wait, that was fake. Like he was like so bothered. I do that in mind. Oh, everybody does something like that. Yeah. Yeah. But it feels so good to get that.

That is a trick. The like I fucked up, but I really didn't. Oh, it was always. It was always. I fucked up in the perfect. way of comedy. You'd be like, oh, I don't mean like this.

But I've had comics text me like, dude, that riff was so good. And that makes me feel good. That I tricked my peers. You know it would be a funny comedy special? Like, they wheel me out on stage and I'm just chained like upside down in a giant

tank of water. And everyone's like, oh, this is his opening bit. This is so funny. But then I just drown in the tank. Sure. And it's just me like. That would be objectively. Upside down for an hour and 15 minutes.

You're dressed like the lady from the prestige. Yeah. And then my twin brother comes out. Yeah. Does all my jokes. I come out of an axe trying to break the thing. I just did. I'm like, no.

Help him! Everybody's like, I think they're doing a weird bit here. I don't know. It's like, this is bombing right now. Yeah. Like, help him. Get off of him, Michael. Michael good.

Yeah, it's funny how magic is like actually dangerous sometimes. Dude, Magic is that's why the ladies love it. Plus you're angering God. So it's double danger. Double danger. Like what Chris Angel does,

no way he's getting into that. Yeah, he's already close with that name. Sure. Well, you know what he wanted to call the show. Oh yeah, fucking hardcore magic pussy. Something like that. I watched the interview with Chris Angel.

He's like, I wanted to call it mine fuck but the networks wouldn't let us do it. It's like, why would you think the networks would do it? I forgot he had a speech impaired. Yeah, yeah. It's like you can't say. fuck on TV. Why are you just like... Dude, that's how powerful speech impediments are

is that you have to be the best at magic. They push you so... I'm gonna make sure my kid is... He sounds like in comparison to Vin Diesel. I think it's the same kind of voice. No, he... I think he does... Have never been seen in the same room together? Oh. He's like the Chris Gaines of

Vin Diesel. Yeah. I know he has a Vegas residency. He used... When I first moved to New York, he had a thing here. That sounds like hell. Dude, I bet you he bangs... residency. The exact kind of girls I would want to. I feel like there's a type of guy that's good for him, but it's just...

Yeah, it's like carrot top. Dude, he's funny. Yeah, yeah. He's hilarious. He just looks... He doesn't even have to say anything. I just laugh at the... Just a ripped ginger guy who looks like he's like coming through a wall, but it's his own skin.

Yeah, I'd be like, what episode of Harry Potter is this guy is? But I'm saying like the jokes with the props, they're funny. They are funny. He's a funny guy. I've never, like, seen his... comedy. Who else is has, who else is a known prop comic?

Gallagher, Jeff Dunham. Does that count? Yeah, those are props. That feels like its own subset. I think it's technically a prop. Yeah, I can. To him, it's a lifestyle, though. Oh, yeah. That guy's, he got me in the comedy,

and I'm not joking. We had a beautiful Las Vegas, and I'm here with Chris Angel, world's most famous magician. I don't know about that. And thank you having me, Chris. thank you and you have your own

I forgot what his voice sounds like I don't know yeah that sounded the most normal yeah that sounds nah my mighty's like I'm Chris Angel what you're like

him and him and David Blaine should do like a boxing match oh that'd be sick finally yeah where he like Chris Angel like punches David Blaine in the stomach and then like pulls a frog out

sure that would be such a cool idea David Blaine's like that was my bitch through a portal that goes through here and opens up right to the head do you want to go to a man

magic show? Yes. That sounds so fun. I would love to see like genuinely good magic. Yes. Dude, that sounds like a fucking blast. I'm tired of like how much I've limited my life by saying that's gay and then not doing it. It sucks. Yeah, we should be going to magic shows. We should be having oral sex with our guy friends, all these things.

We could do a little L bracket right here right now. Me to you and a little connector. We should put on a magic show. We all learn one trick. And in this one, I'll make them come. on the couch. It'd be really funny to go door to door in our apartment complex. We're just putting on a little magic show if you guys want to come by and see if

anybody shows up. I feel like in your apartment complex, you would get kicked out. Doing dark magic in this Hasidic neighborhood. None of them like speak English in this apartment. They're all like rushing. It's so, it's so impressive to me that you can

live in the most like metropolitan city like in America and just in your whole life and just not speak English. The other day, That is crazy. The other day I saw I was walking down the street and there was like this like Saudi kind of looking guy. Oh.

And he opened a phone. And as soon as he opened a phone, a car exploded down the street. Yeah. And I was like, I don't know what language it is that does that. Patty, that wasn't outside. That was you watching Zero Dark 30 again. Oh, that's right. TV is different.

I always thought Zero Dark 30 was about hide and seek. Kind of. Because it's like global hide and seek. One. 30, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm just going, God damn it, we lost. We lost. This is like, yeah, you got to get out of your head from the last episode. I know, I know. I'm just,

I was so proud of us. It makes you feeling better. It wasn't that good. It was fine. Thank you, man. Yeah. It's so upset.

I'm so upset, dude. It was, it was morning good history, dude. Yeah. I guess we could revisit this whole, uh,

guy who was assassinated from the, uh, yeah, my wife, my wife really wants me to hear about it. Jake really wants me to care about it. He's like, dude, he's like, you're a big conspiracy theory guy. And he was like, isn't this crazy? I was like, no. Because in my, in my, in my, my conspiracy brain, all CEOs

are getting assassinated constantly. I don't believe that CEOs die of natural causes. You're just like, finally. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I thought it was funny that like, they showed like a map of where he went. And it was like, oh, here's where he was shot. He ran down this alleyway, then like went up the street. And then like kind of vaguely in the area, they're like, this was the Starbucks he went to the morning. So clearly an ad for stuff like, you can

assassinate your work day if you get tough a coffee. Tough day ahead. You want to get the job done well? Steady those shaky hands. Well,

I was just arguing, well, my roommate because he's like, dude, this guy clearly was professional. I was like, wait, how? He's like, because he knew how to cock his gun

when it was like, I was like, I bet you ever. No, but that, that, that whole, I'm a gun guy, and that whole situation, is kind of weird. Really?

Basically, he's having to re-cock the gun every single time, which, and the fact that he's doing it very calmly and very smoothly does mean he knows what he's doing. Most of those automatic, or those semi-automatic guns, the recoil from the round pushes the slide back and then re-engages the round. But he wants, it seems intentional that it's not going back each single time. He's got some setting in it, so he has to cock it so that he can keep the rounds. okay well I guess I'm wrong then

we delete this episode two down this is done I'm unplugging and also to shoot a moving target like that multiple times and hit him one shot one shot instead of like how far away was he well it gets you know as he runs away it gets further and further but I think it looked like it was only

like five five yards and then it got maybe to 10 it looks like Christian Conti the shooter he also looks like Dean David he looks like a very normal guy yeah Yeah. Yeah.

And like all normal guys, he shops at Starbucks. Christian Conti, the most normal guy. But like, the thing is like, like it doesn't, it just not,

until I know who could have assassinated the CEO, it's also, insurance is so boring to me. And I'm like, I just don't. Yeah, but isn't there any like,

it's like the whole, like, it's the insurance with the highest denial rate. It's, there was messages on the casings that were like denied, delay.

Oh, I don't know. See, but I just, to me, I don't know why. I guess you are probably right, but to me, I'm just like,

any number of people could want the CEO of United Health dead. So I'm like, until I know who it is, I'm like, it's not, like, in my mind, I think these CEOs are constant.

I think fake car crashes are 100% of thing. I think that is like constantly a thing. Yeah, there was that one guy who ran his, that reporter who ran his Mercedes that going like 90 miles per hour. Yeah, Chris something or whatever.

Sure. Chris. He was like on to something. I think it was related to the, The... Pizza gate or something? No, that... The trans...

Chelsea Manning? The trans woman who showed the drone footage of them, like, killing civilians. Oh, I didn't know about that. Oh, yeah. Should have changed her name

to Chelsea Woomanning. That would have been a little on my nose. The real full transition. Please don't delete that. I remember there was this comic in New York who transitioned. I remember, like, I told her... I didn't know how to, like,

handle it, I guess. You go, ooh. Because when you see, hey, smack around. Ooh, juicy. If you like being a woman, this is every day for you now. I've never had the experience

where I've, like, met someone multiple times, and then the next time I saw them, they had juicy tips. Yeah, they were a different, you know, yeah, that's different from a haircut. It's different. I like the haircut.

But I didn't know what to say, so I was just like, hey, like, I was like, this is a great opportunity. You can change your name to whatever. sure yeah so that was the only thing I said and she looked at me like very upset really yeah do you think maybe you think because like I think people hate me randomly I think you hate me sometimes do you think maybe you're going to cut your own penis off so it's like that wasn't the last episode oh fuck I'm sorry I don't know about anything you are right though I think I was probably projecting because I felt insecure right yeah yeah because I secretly want to be a girl too yeah exactly yeah all of us feel that way that's why that's why we're right you are right all of us feel that way that's why I want to cut my penis off. Sure. That makes sense. No, I think that's like a thing, too. I don't think there's a knife in our house that's sharp enough, by the way, to actually successfully

cut. I didn't know you guys were allowed to have knives. They're very dull. There's one knife that's actually sharper if you flip it and just the other side. Don't tell me about this now. I'm going to cut my penis off. This is a no-cd thing. I'm a NoseD fear that I'm going to cut my penis off, so I got to, well, just so they get the callbacks. I have to hold a knife close to. my penis so I show myself I will not cut it off. Yeah. That's a funny thing to run through like it's boring like oh guys I have to

So yeah sometimes at like four in the morning I hold a knife and inch away from my penis. The only way that like I would acceptably like allow my penis to be taken away from my body as if I was like I had this beautiful relationship with this woman and like at the end of like Casablanca or whatever I got to put her on a train

and like as the train is pulling away like she's waving and just something just snags because then I'm like then it goes on the journey with her. Right, right. It's the end of the road for my dick as well because that was the love of my life. That's very romantic.

It's like take the temptation, take it all away from me. Exactly. This is like a new chapter. You're a romantic. I really am. He's the most romantic guy now. I really am. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm a Ray romantic. Yeah. Can I take you to dinner? Can I eat your bird? Can I see you, boss? I don't know. very romantic.

Yeah, what does he sound? Yeah. Very marl. I'm really madden. I want to see your pussy. He does have the crazy. Can I burp your pussy? Can I burp in your pussy?

They can't burp in your pussy? I'll burp your pussy. It'll be warm in my mouth in your butt. You can quefe your back in my throat. Man, I wish I could add to this, but I don't have the stones. It's too good. It's too good.

Yeah. Well, that's not, bro. That's just foul. Well, it's not. Seinfeld. He's a dirty committee. Actually, he's a clean comedian. I thought it was Ray Romantic. Yeah.

Okay. Sorry, I have a different idea of romance than you guys. This is really more of the commentary on you. I booked a table for two over at Anthony's today. It's hard to get a table. I can't do it. That was better than ours.

I bailed immediately. I love you so much. And I'm really sad you're moving to Florida. I just love making really sad jokes about him moving. Yeah, you got to deal with it. What about, what if I was Ray Ramano? But also I was Michael Good

and I was worried about cutting my penis off so I went to the hardware store and I got a Can you get a spare penis? I kind of want a spare penis. Dude. Yeah, I'd like a spare penis. Yeah. And it would be bigger, obviously,

and I would use it a lot more. Yeah, that's the whole thing. Like Van Gogh wanted to express his love and he mailed like his ear to a lady. Why wouldn't he just mail his penis? Right, because I think because in the end of the day, still wants to fuck.

Yeah, he cut his ear off to be like, this is how much I want to fuck. You cut your ear off to use the penis. Yeah, but then you can't like put your ear up to her pussy and hear the sound of the ocean. Sure, that's true. He cut his ear off, he's like, because he's like fucking bitches be talking and I don't want to hear that shit. Yeah, that's the real story. That is actually a good idea if you send a girl both your ears and then you're like,

now she knows I love her and I don't have to listen to her fucking bullshit. Yeah. Also, not how ears works. It's perfect. It's like anything I feel like you can hear. more. Because you opened the hole up more. It's just like everything is really loud.

Sure. Yeah, this is probably protective. Like your ear probably protects sound. Yeah. I think it lets you like hear like when your roommates fart and stuff. Yeah. It definitely does not let you hear when there's a gunman behind you. No, no, no, no.

Yeah. That's like the dog ears. Yeah. Yeah. It was funny too because I said, I said this. I think this is so funny. You ever like say something that's not, never mind, whatever.

Was that it? There's something about like, yeah, Color, you're off. You don't hear her bitching. Just like something I don't, like I'm not in a relationship. Oh, something that we said, like 30 seconds ago. We're fine. That's when you pull the plug? That's interesting.

I don't know. But, you know what I was thinking about is weird? Everybody, like, in history, so people, I think, do you think people become nicer over time or Lee's nice? Because we used to have, like, a very horrible world. So I think people were kind of worse in a lot of ways, right? Like, Gladiator matches were bad, right? I feel like people were almost exactly the same. It's just like the structure of society was different.

It was a lot more like war. Okay. But I think like the common folk were like strong. You think the day-to-day interactions were the same level. People were still like, hey, very good to see you. Yeah, like if I walk down to the peddler and I'm like, peddler, here is my finest steed. And I give him a horse. Yeah.

I think the peddler would be like, ooh, thank you. And give me like a sack of gold. Yeah, I guess from writing, we know that, right? Yeah, but like, interactions are different based on, like, different places you go. Like, if you go to the Midwest, everybody's like, it's known where it's politeness.

But then if you, like, come to New York, the level of politeness is different. So that you, back in time when they had access to less things and it was less nice, I bet they were all, they would be considered monsters today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, the level of polite back then to today,

like if you think a guy at a bar as me imagine a guy at like a medieval pub yeah yeah this guy's gotta be a real dick he's like instead of like I don't know just punching you he's like wants you dead yeah like microaggression is a very new thing yeah it was just aggression yeah

macroaggression used to just be used to duel if you disagreed with someone yeah also is where the duels weren't like often to the death but isn't that more polite in the grand scheme I do think you say like good day shall wish I'm a duel I think you you like, I think you guys are like very gentleman

like with it. You're like, may the best man win? Yeah. I don't think you're like, fuck you fucking pussy. I hate you. I think you are. Really? I think if you're about to shoot someone and you got to ramp yourself up. I feel like they say, I feel like they were so upset. Fuck you, Andrew Jackson. I'm going to kill you. And then I take out my very tiny sword.

Yeah. That's funny. You're not going to come any closer. I wield power beyond your understand. That are your dual guns in your ass. I'm like, I just got to pick up my key. Just like the back of my pants blow open.

That's actually a sick plan, dude. Put one in your... I wonder if anybody's... Just make sure you put it in the right way. Sure, sure. Just such a bugged buddy way to die. You're like, yeah, he had a duel and he put a gun in his ass because he's trying to shoot him, but he did the wrong way.

Blowing your head off because you bent over? Did his grandpa die? How many people do you think when guns first kids are? came out, they're like, whoa, what is this thing? Yeah, so many. Like, every person who got a gun on their... 90 out of 100. Yeah.

How people do you think the strong 10 are what we have now? How people just chewed on a barrel? Like, I feel like I'd be that guy, I would chew on, like, TV remotes when I was a kid. Yeah, because it was the only metal thing in your house. It was like the car keys for a kid. When I was a kid, I used to suck on car keys. Oh, what? I loved the case.

Carkeys is what he calls his uncle's penis. Oh, okay. Carl's keys. He would drive my car keys. drive my ass into the fucking to the headboard. But no, I used to suck on keys.

I have like an oral thing. I like... Yeah, but I like, like, squishy things for that. Yeah, but this was, it was like the flavor. There's keys have like a metallicy flavor. I kind of get that. It's kind of like orange in a way. Yeah.

I think my oral fixation started like... So I actually, there was something when I was a kid, I didn't talk at all. So I had to go to speech therapy because I wouldn't talk as a kid. And they fucking overcorrected. And look now where you are. I don't shut the fuck up.

Honestly, they should get a raise. Yeah. They talk to, turn a mute boy into a podcast. An elite podcast. That is a slam dunk. That's as good as you can possibly do. Yeah, I could be one day a professional talker.

Yeah. You could be. Well, I am a professional. I do get paid to do stand-ups. I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could be the guy that just makes sound effects with his mouth.

Meow. Yeah. That was like a curious fart. That sounds like a cat that's hungry. Okay, that's just a door. From cat to door. But no, they give me this plastic tube to chew on for some reason. And then, yeah, I don't know.

Now I just start chew. I still chew on things. Like plastic bottle caps, I'll fold them and chew them and like roll them into like a joint looking thing. Do you ever get polypocket clothes? Dude, those were so good to chew on it. Gold tier chewing. Oh, my God.

Polly pocket clothes. Legendary. What is that? You're like, your spit oozes in it. They're like little rubber like pairs of pants that they would put on a little poly pocket that's like this big. And you just pop it in. Oh, and you have the like little, the circle of air in between. And it was, oh, God.

Anything like that is the best for chewing. It's the best. You could throw her whole ensemble right in your mouth, have a little party. Yeah. It was pretty good. little girl pants. Some of it's not a crime, but like, sir, we got to arrest you.

This is too fucking weird. You cannot do this here. This is technically illegal. Just jerking off onto a dress. You're like, how did you pull that reference? Polly pocket pants? Because that's like the best thing.

It was the best chewing thing. No, that was pretty good. You know what? I kind of get where dogs come from with chewing on TV remotes because there's a hard side of it. And then there's the soft side. The buttons feel so good.

when you chew them, dude. I never chewed the corner of the coffee table. No. That actually, yeah, I get dogs so much, dude. I used to chew on wires when I was a kid,

like a dog. Like a rat. Like a little rat boy. Pause 4 effect. And I fully electrocuted myself. Sorry, I farted in the microphone foam caught it, and then I put it back to my face.

I basically farted in my own mouth. Yeah. Not good. Professional talker. Yeah. But yeah, I was unsupervised chewing on one of those back massager cords. Fully shocked myself, shut down the power. It was my dad's vibrated.

The two balls. He would just put it up to his mouth and go, we practice how we play. Have you ever done that shit? vibrated my balls? Put a back massage on your penis? No, I've never wielded a back massager. Oh, my God, dude. It gets very confusing because it shakes your dick until you come.

And then, sorry, anyway to my family who used a back massager after me, but, and then it kind of gets itchy on the inside because it, it scrambles the nerves so much that it's kind of like... Is it scrambled the nerves or is it just the rubbing of the thing against your penis skin? I don't know, but do you ever have, like, a tickle inside of your dickle? Yeah. Yeah, it's like maximum version of that.

Like, you're the inside of your dickens. I haven't had one. in years, though. Yeah, randomly, you're like, is there a feather in my penis? Whoa. Back the day. Wingardium Levios.

Oh, my. I've never had this experience at all. We got a lot to look forward to, young man. Wow. So it's an age thing. Yeah, yeah. Once you get held to you? We're the same age.

How old are you? 28. Buddy. Wait till you become perverted. It's just because I don't whack off every morning like you do. Yeah, it's a great way to stay in shape. That's how I get up bed.

That is true. give that a shot. Yeah, yeah. It's a great way to stay in shape. I feel like this has been said before, but isn't it funny that like women will sit on a washing machine and come? Like they literally come from doing laundry. Yeah,

that's been said before, right? Pretty good. You ever going to do stand-up again? I don't think so. Shane. It's a, if St. Pete is fun, I heard they did just open two new comedy clubs.

So it is like, James got passed at a club. I forget which one. Potentially. don't really want to do. So what is your, because people always ask me why did he quit stand up? And I said he lost interest, but what is your real, like, what is your full reason behind? That's pretty much it. Okay. Yeah, I don't like really enjoy it. I wasn't really like enjoying it at the end. Yeah, then why do it? Exactly. It's just like why would you? I mean, why go to the fucking be a coal miner? Why be a Navy seal? It's because the world needs us.

That is true. And there's not a job. You are very funny. Like, there's not enough funny people. comedy. No, no, there are not. There's not enough funny. But just like Jesus Christ. There's only like 15,000. Yeah. Yeah. On this block. Yeah. Yeah. So.

But that's why they'll come from it. They'll crucify me one day. Yes, they will. Yeah. And I'll be wearing a little necklace, little gold necklace of my... Of me. Yeah. And then smelling and going, oh. Oh, man. I had a great, fuck it. Are you, are you, are you,

did you go home for Thanksgiving? Yeah, dude, best Thanksgiving ever so far. Were you, like, famous in your hometown? No, I didn't, I didn't go to, like, Blackout Wednesday, which I usually do. Okay. But the special wasn't out yet, but some people hit me up from back home, but I don't, I don't think it's like, it's not that, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think I'll get, like, a lot of. You're not, like, walking into open mics dick first now? Well, that's just how you get up at most of these things. I do ask for us. I know where my work is. You should. It would be really funny if, like, you just wore all, like, two big gear.

They got me a cardigan. Real, dude. You have to wear it every single time you go to know. I have to wear it till it stinks. Yes. Yeah, until it's just a smelly thing that I'm wearing down. Then you make the new one of myger smelly. You say this is right of passage.

You smell this and it's how you get on stage here. You're officially a New York comedian. You smelled the stubios. You should be flexing on people. I hope you know that. What would I? Why would I do that? Just go up to everyone that doesn't have a special and be like, that joke was pretty good, but it's never going to make it.

Yeah, I start doing that to people who are actually past it clubs here. People with like Netflix special. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that's pretty good, but like twobies. They're not really looking for that kind of thing. More nuance. Yeah. On the two boys.

No, that's really cool, though. It's cool that you'll always have that, you know? Wait, wait, wait, that's not sure. It could be destroyed. No, but he's already done it. But what I always have is, like, I did it. So when the allegations come out, all of this, they can't take that away from you. They can't, yeah.

Yeah. And a lot of people would define their success and stand up by exactly that. By the fact that they, when the allegations comes out, they can't take away my two be special? Yes. Then I, that's, I mean, that's my barometer. Yeah. That's what I was realizing about all of this. Like, you have to adjust your expect, or your whatever standard for success.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, because I was talking to one of my friends about it's like, you know, it's really funny. We'll never be on TV. He's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, we'll never be on television because it doesn't really exist anymore. And he's just like, no, I'll be on television. And I'm like, I think I know who this one.

But I was like, I was like, no, it just doesn't exist. Like, I will never be on TV. You'll be on a TV, but so will like most YouTube videos. Yeah, yeah. People, news from bed, people watch it mostly on a TV. Interesting. And you've been on there, dude. So I've been on TV.

Yeah, dude. I did perform in the Manhattan. I did public access Manhattan Project, yes. Oppenheimer was like, what about this? I was like, what if we farted and put it against our mouths? No, the fucking...

No, I did the Manhattan mini-channel. It was like a public access thing where you could do stand-up. And this like Russian woman was on there and she was like saying a bunch of crazy shit and then she brought me up and talked about like banging a trans lady. And then it's just funny because it was like

on television. Yeah, because you can do, there's no like FCC regulation or something. I don't know. Oh, really? because it's like open source. I guess so, yeah. I should have done more.

I should have shown. You know what's funny is like if you told Oppenheimer, like, if you told Oppenheimer that one day he would be able to have sex with a girl with a penis, he would be like, that's unfathomable. So in there was a period of time where the atomic bomb was like more realistic than you. Right. So you are actually more accomplished than Bob. I've never had sex with Oppenheimer.

I've never had sex with a penis. I have become gay. We'll see about that. She did not have a penis. The tapes are not out yet. She did not have a penis. Was she post up? I heard the smell of that.

Yeah. I could feel your pants. But it's been covered. This is morning good. Oh, sorry. I am curious. I keep forgetting that I'm angled. Really?

The thing that keeps coming out of your ass doesn't smell good. I just, I thought Farts are supposed to be your own smart Farts supposed to smell fine and the other people's it's supposed to be bad but it's just,

there's some sort of air pocket going on here where it's just blasting in my own face. Yeah. Anyways, what I was trying to say was I have a bit about that.

I think it's really funny that like, they were trying to discover like the top scientists. They were doing gay research to figure out what was going on. Isn't all research gay? What's it?

Nice. Nerds. Suck it nerds. But they were trying to, they were trying to find out like, like the gay research happening in the United States was the same time as the atomic bomb. So it's hilarious that like, while they were like,

yeah. Talk about splitting Adam. Yeah. Oh, Patrick! That's good. Yeah, it's like they were trying to find it. Like they're doing extreme research. Like the gene.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they were trying to find out why dudes are blowing each other. And the other time is just we're building it. So unfathomable thing. It feels good, you dumb asshole. It's so crazy how gayness has rocked the minds of so many people. It's like, still. It feels good.

What do you mean? It's also like, just like, if you say this to a person, just be like, you know when like you really want to have sex with a woman? Like, imagine that exact feeling. But you can do it. But it's with a guy. Yeah. No, I can't.

Yeah. There's just no fathomable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the bit I have about it is like a guy sitting down with like a gay guy. I was like, we kind of Jersey Shore Broie psychiatrist. He thinks it's insane to not want pussy. Yeah.

Because that was a mental illness. He's like, you're telling me, you don't like pussy. He's like, what do you have to your fucking mind? Like he's like, his mind is blown by this information. Yeah. Yeah. But you know, like the old some of the old like rumors or whatever, theories were very funny of like your mom's a whore. That's why you're gay.

I heard it was if your parents did anal, it made you gay. And it drip down. Oh, really? No, no. I think it's if the come yeah, yeah, yeah, they come drip down from your mom's asshole through her pussy. And they were listening to Shania Twain. Yeah, what? Yeah. Such a good song.

Meena Giga. Look at my bones. I've heard overbearing mother. I've heard, it's always the mom's fault. It is always a mom. Anything happens to a child. It's always a mom's fault. I've heard overbearing mother.

I've heard whore mother. Yeah. And then and then fluoride. The mother should just be, like, Like, just dress as like a Christmas tree and just stay in the house year round. It's a good idea. Quite good. And just every year you put ornaments on.

Because then she's not interfering with your life. She's providing you family. So she can't be blamed with anything. Exactly. Like, she's just there. She'll talk to you. I was school today. Good.

Yeah. Yeah. Just on fucking Xanax all day. And why? I mean, it's not far from what most moms want. Yeah, there's a lot of housewives who actually fit that. Yeah. It's a wonderful life for them.

Yeah, I don't know. I think there's no... I do wonder if there is something where, like, if you get molested, if you're more likely or less likely to be... Like, there's got to be some... Like, whatever happens to you... I don't think so.

But I think your first sexual encounters do have something to do with normally, like, what... You know what I mean? Sure, I didn't inform them, but I think it depends on, like, the level of trauma. It's probably just like, you saw... Your first sexual experience,

you saw a trucker's penis versus, like, a tap dancer's penis. versus a truck or as a vagina? Not like that, but I'm saying, like, if you're either gay or straight, there's probably something in between there where you're like, oh, I like this kind of guy versus this kind of guy. Sure. Yeah.

Wait, so what was the molestation thing? Oh, I just wonder if, like, you were molested by a guy, if that makes you more likely to be gay or less likely. I feel like it makes you more likely to be. I don't know, but I don't want to run that study. No, no, no, look, look, science, we need to... All right, Billy. Yeah.

You got open your young guy. for the future. Yeah, I have no idea. I think that is like a theory that like it's probably, I mean, it's completely incorrect. No, I think I've heard that before that's like if you're, if you're molested, you're more likely to become a molestered. Yes.

That's very common. But then people think that like women who have been raped more likely become lesbian, like it's not, but it's not, there's no science behind it. I would make sense though. Like you don't want to re-experience anything like that again. Right, right, right. Yeah. Versus the other one is like, what the fuck.

That makes sense because for my experience, all women have been raped. Right. and all with our bisexual as well. This is true. Oh. Yeah. I think that's like...

The Venn diagram. Yeah. The badge diagram. Yep. I had to lose that fucking... Any time of joke bombs. God damn it. No, no, no.

I'm having a good time. I'm fine. Seems chill. I had a fucking fantastic Thanksgiving. That was the shit, dude. I went for my birthday, went to Kobe Steakhouse and my family.

which do you guys have those years? You guys didn't take a helicopter that I did you? No, why? By the way, that too, I'm like assassination. I mean, right there. That's so good.

Why? What is the motivation? I don't know. He's cool. Honestly, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, you can't have too many

cool black guys out there. Is that a real conspiracy? Oh, a lot of people. Have you seen that online? For sure. Oh, wow. I used to be so in these groups and now I've lost my touch.

Yeah, dude. Hang out with Dan Zalzarian. He's got some ideas. I've been trying to for a long time hang out with Daniel Zerian. There is some thing where I think there's some picture from like reading the Quran. It may have been like Thanksgiving or something like that. He's kind of becoming like, I think he might become a Muslim

or something like that. He's such a good. He's like upside down? Yeah. You ever seen like the pictures of LeBron where he's like reading? Yeah, it's the first page of the book. And it's like he's not even looking at it. He's like looking off this.

War and Peace. Just read it. Yeah. He's in the table of contents. It's not even at the preface yet. He's really thinking about it. Also, I wonder if, like, Dan Bolzerian, why he's going this way, too.

I wonder if he just grew such a beard that he's like, maybe I should just be mussel. He's like, I kind of look like a Muslim. There's like, you must be this tall to ride, this ride on beards of like your beard is this long. Yeah. Must be this long to fly this plane. Yeah.

You don't know any mom. I feel like he maybe just has like a little tiny chin. I feel like that's the case with most like big beard. no that would be yeah you don't have like a big beer no I know and your face is beautifully shaven on the one

the funniest thing he did was that that Las Vegas shooting where he's like live stream he's like I'm gonna run back to my place and I'm gonna get my guns I'm gonna save the day it's like you're gonna get shot immediately like no nobody's like the police like stand down they're like thank God Dan Bilzerian's here

getting his dick sucked by a model Dan Philzerian was there throwing wads of cash at the people the only way Yeah, he did Pierce Morgan. He's talking about it. He's like, he's like, yeah, no, I lived a life of, after a decade of fucking a bunch of models. He's like, it felt it was empty. Oh, so now he's like, he fucked through to the other side. Yeah, now he's anti-Semitic for some reason. Well, okay. But it's like a weird balance because like, like I said, like he said things that like made sense. He's like, yeah, I don't think everybody who like is, says stuff against Israel. Like, it's stupid that those people now get called the anti-Semitic. Right. But then he's like, and also, you know, there's no way you could have killed that many Jews in the Holocaust. you're like, but I don't know, I think it's, I go back to anybody. I go back to this point.

It's like, you have to understand what those people think to like argue with them because like a year ago I'd have no idea how to argue the Holocaust scenario. I'd be like, yeah, well, what do you think about the building in Auschwitz? And they're like, we believe it. It would be funny if they were, he was a Holocaust like revisionist who believed like less people. And then we found out his name is not Dan Bilzerian. It's Dan Millsarian. We're like, oh, you lied about your name.

The word plays immaculate. I'm a Dan Bilzarian revisionist. Yeah. Good. He's hoping to get more legs. He's one of those guys, too. He had like, I think he's like, he's like, he's like some,

some weird kind of like. Yeah, he's, he's, he's, he's, is Armenian, because of the Armenian genocide. Right,

those guys love bringing that up and you're like, look, nobody cares. Yeah, we should care, but you guys are too far east. For some reason, I don't even know what your people look like.

Yeah, for some reason this was the Holocaust and yours was something, I mean, it was a holocaust, I don't know where your country is. I don't know anything about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was, like, in the, like, 80s or 90s was. I don't know fucking clue when that even was. That's like all systems down is, like, singing about. Just everybody's like, sick rock music. And they're like, oh, and then the people die, the bombs, and the people to die. Wait, is that true? I mean, I think they're talking about, yeah, yeah, I think Serge Tankin's, uh. That was also funny because, like, Tom.

Tankin is Armenian? Surge tankin ethnicity. Surge, oh, I observed. Like, Tom Morello from Rage Against a Machine, like, supported Kamala Harris. Yeah. Which is, like, really funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

Because, like, that's like the machine. That's the machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Dick Cheney also supported her. When that happened, I was like, oh, she's gonna lose.

Yeah. She's done so. Why would they allow him to do that? Hey, guys, the devil likes me. Do you want to vote for me now? Yeah. He's Armenian. He's fun.

I like his little go-toe. That's like, my thing is, I see his little goatee singing. Yeah. They're like, my people are me, my know, my little go-oh-oh-oh. I'm like, look at this cute little go-toe. Goatees were strictly for lead singer.

of that genre of music. They're gone now. The fucking, the disturbed guy, I think he had that. He was like metal. He has like a weird, like, he's got a landing strip. Yeah. The facial landing strip is a tough look. That is a tough one.

Yeah, there are a lot of guys' mouths that look like 90s women's pussy. You know what I'm talking about? Like, just like fucking Guy Fierry. A lot of them got that thing. Mine looks like an 1890s woman's pussy. Or a Bushwick, 28,000.

That's true. Just as course. I would keep your mouth as far away from me as possible. Keep your mouth out of my mouth. Keep your dick out of my ass. Out of my wife's mouth. Imagine he said that. What is this from?

Somebody actually dubbed that. He goes, keep putting your dick in my wife's mouth. Yeah. He's a wild guy, Will Smith. Yeah. You guys hear what he did? I really like I robot. I've never seen IROB.

So good. I got it from my dad for his birthday because I liked it so much. Oh, really? It was one of those presents. I got my mom, Big Daddy, for Christmas. Is that the Adam Sandler one? Yeah, and I'd never even seen it. I'd never even seen it.

I got it. I watched it out here a couple weeks ago. You should have came out of here. Yeah, it's like with the child. Yeah, it's a spruce or spruce or whatever. Oh, it is? Sprouse's a sweet life. Yeah, it's one of the sweet life, guys.

The things I would do to Tisdale. Do you have twins? throw them into acting as soon as possible. Because they can do the same role and one can do homework while the other. And they will evenly get molested by Hollywood producers. Yeah, exactly. So they can bond strengthening their bond and then they'll become

one person. They turn 18, they fuse into one guy. One eight foot tall, Dylan Sprad. Who shows his penis off on Snapchat? Was that happening? Yeah, I remember he like dropped a dick pick on Snapchat. I don't believe any Celebrity dick pit.

I'm like, it's getting, you're doing it. What do you believe? Yeah, my conspiracies are weird. Yeah. I don't believe in celebrity.

No, no, no, I think a lot of them are like obvious drops. You think 9-11 was like, for sure happened to the narrative? Like, you believe the narrative that we were giving? No, no,

no, I think, I think they knew it was going to happen. They let it happen. I think there's like a lot of things like that that happen and they say stop it because they like get some guy or whatever. Sure. Probably not a lot,

but it's probably having like probably 10-ish times. This is just right out of my ass. but 10-ish times in the last 10 years I bet you there's been like similar 9-11 situations like I've heard somebody say like Yeah I've heard somebody say like if you knew how many times Something like that or a false flag That's what it's called

No no no I don't think it's a false flag I think they knew 9-11 was going to happen They're like okay we got to let this happen so that we can justify the fact that we exist Or go to war Yeah or invade Iraq two years later To be fair though If you look at that place that place looks just like all the call of duty maps

That's because wars have happened there Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just based on looking around, I'd be like, we should be firing. Oh, Osama, your old roommate, he came on my podcast with time. I was talking about how, like, beautiful, where is he from again? Syria. Oh, that dude's awesome.

Because I just didn't believe him. It's not beautiful. He's like, it's like a jungle. It's like lush vegetation. I was like, he got those glasses after he moved to New York. Actually, the glasses were just because the sand around him was bombed so hard. That glass formed. formed in front of his face.

There's sand on his eyes that just melted into glasses. So he is lying about it. But it's funny too because I'm so lazy. I've never even Googled the picture of Syria. Because I do not want to watch a bunch of dead kids. Yeah. That's like everything is bad over there.

That was funny. I remember I made a joke about my podcast because there was a time where like Syrian refugees are coming here. I'm like, would it be really funny if like one of them came over with their like 10 year old wife? And they're like, no, you guys can't do this. serious. Apparently, that was like a legitimate problem that happened where they were like, no, they're like, you're not allowed to fuck 10 year olds here. They're like, wait, were you serious?

This is my wife. Like, not anymore. We have a whole life together. Yeah, yeah. It's like, nope. That's tough. Like, you get stopped at immigration. They're like, they ask about like, do you have any meats? Do you have any cheeses? Do you have any 10? Wait, let me sit in my suitcase. Oh, your wife

is in your suitcase. Yeah. And she's a literal baby. Okay. How do we deal with this? Can't you tell she's my wife by the lipstick I put on her? You are going to need to declare that. Yeah, her ears and pierced. Yeah, it's a... I heard Afghanistan was a problem, too,

because there's, like... I've heard so many stories of, like... I've also heard Afghanistan was a problem. Well, like, the child fucking there, because it's like, apparently we had to, like, work with, like, Afghani troops. Grant thought we were out of the woods. To be!

What are you grin at about over there? What? I miss. What was a joke? The joke was I made a joke and then you said, no, but the child. As if to say,

like, no, let's really dig deep on this. As deep as it can go, because it's a child. Yeah, yeah. That's another,

look at you today, buddy. You're on fire. Yeah. Just like Syria. It's because I didn't smoke any weed. I got, I really got to stop smoking weed before podcast.

You come in, you were like the best podcaster. You're fucking, your profession. You should have podcast and goggles you throw on, dude. You guys haven't watched, what is it called? News from bed. Girl, girl time.

What is it? Call him daddy. Call her daddy. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm a hawk-toosiest. Hoc-Tusian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We are, this is a hawk to a house.

We are in support. Which also, I heard, she might be going to prison. What for? Because she, I put all of the blame on people who are putting bad ideas. is it her head. I put it on Pookie. But she, is that her boyfriend? Yeah. Fuck Pookie.

Well, he won't commit, but we don't need to get into that. Really? Yeah. How do you not commit to those? It's complicated. But anyway, she, like, she bought, she, like, created a crypto, like a hawk to a coin, but then they, like, just sold all of their coins when everyone was, like, buying them.

So they made, like, a ton of money. And, uh, I guess it's, like, illegal insider trading or whatever. There's something, like, really, where, she should go to jail if she was complicit and knew about it. But I think it's like people who are like, hey,

this would be a really good idea if we did this. I don't think she's the brightest bulb in the box. No, no. But I think she will do well in prison. I feel like because she's, I don't know, it's like, there's something about her that I feel like she... She's got that southern toughness. Yeah, I feel like there's something better. She'll survive, dude.

She'll definitely survive, but when she comes out with like in braids and tattoos. That's going to be such a good. character art. Dude, that's gonna be so sick, dude. She could have the Martha Stewart character arc, you know? She just, she rips.

Also, did Marta Stewart, like, really go to prison or is it like? Yeah, she did. It was, like, fancy, like, end of Wolf of Wall Street type prison. She went to a prison where she had to bake things, but they didn't have any, like, vegetable oil.

There's no baking soda. There was no flat. Nothing could rise. The only prison that can handle Martha Stewart. But she could have. Oh, sorry. Oh, yes.

She could come out of prison, become, like, best friends with, like, Travis Scott, and then they have, like, their Martha Stewart's Snoop Dog. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I just, I like, I'm just, I love her.

She's awesome. She's the best. She's fun. She's beautiful. She's funny. She's intelligent. Witty. Yeah.

Spitty. Have you seen the videos of people AIing her talking about, like, geopolitical problems? No, but I would love to see that. I'll send you a few. I just want all of my, like, all of the media I consume to be through an AI of her giving it to me. Yeah, I want her to be my Siri. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you want? Want me to check the weather for you? Yes. Yeah, I think it's going to be hot outside.

Huck to us, but on that thing. Uh, text my mom. Yeah. It's like the full. I was just like the full name. I like the brain. rotting stuff is like my favorite huge risler big just i love i love just yeah the garbage wait till big risler goes to jail dude i legitimately think i'm too stupid for that stuff i don't even get like i don't even get what is going on that's the fun part nobody does nobody yeah i just all started and it just cascaded you can get famous so quick where it's almost like if you've tried even tried to be famous at all for like more than two years it's never going to happen yeah especially if you do uh four years podcasting. That's how you get to do it. There's no way. The only thing we're building is a

catalog of evidence against us. Yeah. Yeah. We're just digging ourselves in a hole. But if you're like a chubby kid, big justice with the Rizzler, whatever, like it just takes one video. And then he's like throwing out the first pitch of the world series. The Rizler's Dandum specials definitely going down. Oh yeah. Dude. He's going to be on Kill Tony. Yeah. The Rizzler on Kill Tony. He's going to be sitting there. It's going to be like the table and it's you're barely going to see him. Oh, you're saying as a panel? He's going to be on the panel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good, though. It just devalues fame. Yeah, it's, everyone has it. It's going to be the Rizzler and, like, Richard Dawkins. Yeah. The host, cast, the Tiggle Toney or whatever, and they're going to bring just people with Down syndrome up on the stage.

Yeah. That's going to be the greatest piece of media. We're going to throw tomatoes at them. Yeah, yeah. They won't talk. Tony's going to be like, well, you should came out of a better one minute, then. That joke wasn't worthy of the. Rizzler. I bet

Richard, which is you evolved into something smarter. Wait, didn't Texas also have something where the electric chair was like allowed for like retarded people until like a year ago? Yeah. To what make them normal? Just like my dig with the vibrator,

it scrambles up all the nerves so it works. Yeah. No, but I could see a Kill Pony style show where it's just executing. Oh yeah, if the comic is really bad. Yeah. They get the chair. And then Rogue is like,

Honestly, they would be great. Texas is just so much more free, man. They can do it in Texas. They could kill people. They just need to, like, if they bomb, they just need to have a guy that, like, shoots like a dart that's, like, laced with, like, child pornography.

Yeah. What is great is that people would still knowingly do it. Yeah, for sure. The type of people who sign up for kill Tony who are not good comics. I've signed up for it. Who are not good comics. You didn't let me finish.

Okay, okay. Like the type of people who are out of their mind and do that show would still sign up and be like, yeah, I mean, I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna beat the chair. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. This joke about boobs being different sizes

is guaranteed to make him laugh. Yeah, yeah. Just have a whole accurate. And then Tony just pulls, like, he pulls a lever himself. He's like, nice trying. And Redband, like hits the button, like hits like an electricity sound. Yeah.

He's like, Red band, it already makes that sound. Knock it off. God, Redband, you suck. I hate you. He's like, I'm always so mad at him. Yeah, for no reason. The sassiest. We did.

We podcasted for two hours. Wow. Thank God. It only got better. Yeah, I had a great time. So stop putting your leg on that cord. I mean, seriously, dude. This is real.

I'm really playing with my part of you really wants to unplug me. I so badly want to unplug this one and just make it for you guys. I mean, you can do whatever you want. Yeah. I mean, I don't care, but I would. Come on. But this just feels... Part of me just...

Really, there's something to show in my bones that wants to unclog this and have the two episodes. There's one thing I stopped listening to. Years ago, it was my bones. Now I listened strictly to my heart. And morning good podcasts. Cartilage. Check out news from bed.

And the Tooby special. Yes, jokes on us. On Tooby, it's free if you just sign up with your email. and then call him father. I have a religious podcast coming out. So, oh, nice. Stay tuned for that.

Hell yeah. Which, by the way, sounds like your fucking, what are you doing? I just, what if I just unplugged it? No, I,

this is like the devil. We wanted to do this. I wanted to do one of your jokes on the podcast and have you not know I was doing it. Okay. I'm really, that would have hurt my feeling.

It would be like, you know what I was thinking the other day and then done one of your bits? We were like, should we just like, like just lay into Grant this entire? I would have liked that. We were going to do that because you showed up late. I was like, oh, sorry, I'm not the CEO of Tubey.

You got to treat me like shit, no. Oh, but your podcast idea, I really like that idea. Yeah, I mean, it's been fun and it's like I've been wanting to read the Bible for a long time. Yeah. So to do it with Josh who actually believes it and knows a lot about it is cool. And the fact that we're- Your eyes wide when you said actually believes it like a fucking idiot. I don't know. I don't think like an idiot, but like I think most of the Christians I've ever met in my entire life don't actually believe it.

Really? Yeah. Or at least I've never read it. Yeah. That too. Dude, something you got to see. By the way, all listeners, see the fucking heretic. I cried in the movies next to Patty.

I was mostly thinking to him to St. Pete. Yeah. No, dude, that movie was so fucking good. The heretic. The heretic was good. In a way, it's like a... Oh, it's Hugh Grant trying to kill those two girls. Yeah, it's umpa, umpa.

That made you cry? I thought it was a scary movie. I was scared. You cry when you get scared? I was like, what if I was two Mormon girls? What part did you cry at? I cried at one second. Don't want to guys.

Thank you.