Morning Good - Out Of Control - Episode 251

Episode Date: January 5, 2025

Gigi Klein and Zach Russell join the show for today's episode. They talk about annoying your parents during the holidays, genital piercings, and the similarities/differences between Jews and Italians.Thanks to Zach for coming back on the show and to Gigi for joining for the first time. Check out their links below for more info on them and how to see them live. Gigi is on Instagram @gigicomedy. Zach is on Instagram as well @zachrussellcomedy and co-hosts the Overshadowed Podcast. also make sure to check him out on Season 26 of HBO's Worst Cooks in America. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. All right, we're here with Zach Russell and Gigi Klein. Hi. Hello. And I just got back into, ooh, different color socks. That's fun.

Oh. That's not me indulging the feet. It absolutely is. No, no, no, no. I wore the equivalent of sweatpants. Also, that's recording, right? Couldn't see my toesies. What? I might check one more. It is recording. It's recording. It's all, yes.

I'm sure. Okay, okay, okay. I lost the last episode. Dude, I had, like, a freak out with the last one. It was so funny. Because I had to get one out. And my dad's, like, he recorded my office. And then he, like, never told me the pass code. So I was just, like, running around Orlando with, like, equipment. He has a passcode to his office? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we're going to do it in there. Yeah. And then I, like, I was just like, I'm going to do it in there. . And then I.

I, uh, I don't know. Wasn't your birthday? What's up? Wasn't your birthday? Did you try your own birthday? Yeah. That's my mom's home password. That's how I know she loves me.

Oh my God. That's adorable. Yeah. It's not my brothers. I have a brother. Yeah. It's not his birthday. That's me.

Yeah. I'm definitely not the favorite in the family. Yeah. Are you the youngest? Yeah. That's why. I'm my favorite. I think I think I am a favorite.

Yeah. But I am annoying the fuck out of them. And they're like. And they're still putting up with it. My, yeah. My sister fucking told me. Because I thought, I was like, I wonder for, like, I just go back home. I get really fucked up with all my friends.

I, like, come in at, like, 7 a.m. And then, like, I don't clean up around the house. And then I'm, like, hung over when it's supposed to be, like, family day. Yeah. And then, like, all of that. There was, like, a dishes thing, I guess, on Thanksgiving where I was like, I don't want to go into the kitchen until everybody's done with dishes. Because I don't want to do dishes.

You didn't want to. No, I was like, I'll do dishes, but, like, I'm going to do them when fucking everybody's out of the kitchen because I don't want to, like, stand there. Okay. And you have to get completely naked to do the dishes. Exactly. Yeah. It's the only way I do it.

Actually, I did that at somebody's place last night. Got completely naked and did the dishes? Yeah, it was a weird thing. Was it like a sex thing? You have a crazy sex thing? Did she make you do it?

Yeah, she was like, I did it. I was like, only you would be like, actually, I did that. I did that.

Every conversation I have with him, he's like, oh, I did that. Yeah. I was fucking. I've never met someone who's more what I am

in other people's lives. Which is just kind of like this kind of somewhat strange guy who's charming and does weird things that people poke fun at, you are finally that for me. I'm that for so many people. I've never met one of me before. You're used to being the one with the stories. Yeah, and people make fun of.

I can't believe you did that. You weird freak. And that's you. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, it's beyond me. And the problem is like, I don't do anything not crazy. Like, I start telling a story and they're like, wait, what? And then I'm like, yeah, this is, my life is so nuts that like this is normal.

I'm starting from fucking weigh the fuck over here. So like, welcome to ridiculousness, the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His life is so nuts. It's so out of control. It's so fucking epic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I heard about you, because I heard about you before I met you, I was like, I know.

The legend spread to Canada. I was expecting you to be a dickhead because of all the stories. But it's like, he's like the most nice, respectful. Oh, yeah. Crazy person. And I also look so like fucking. So put together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's so funny. Just so default. Just so. Yeah. Oh, I am default guy. Yes. 100% I was like the most normal person

like yeah I'm like very like beginning of the movie actually I don't know I guess more of an extra I'm like a You're like Mr. Incredible when he worked at the insurance company Yes that's exactly why

And then he never has powers Never becomes a hero Yeah yeah yeah And he gets a day off work When an Italian shoots He only has powers But he's like also like banging old ladies and stuff Yeah yeah

Right yeah yeah Yeah in exchange for coverage Yeah yeah yeah Of their medical issues Yeah It's all part of this game Yeah But the funny issue is the fucking like

My fucking parents it was so funny because my sister just straight up told me she's like yeah they were like mad at you and I was just like that hungover anxiousness and I was like oh people aren't mad at me and I hope I'm still loved by every person in the planet she's like no they're legit and then my mom did the fucking craziest shit

well it sounds like you suck when you're home you're like a garrulous teenager it's your fault it's insane I think the first night I went back I did like ketamine until like seven and then just like walked in the door and my dad was like reading the Bible by like the what's insane to me there was one night I came in it was so funny because there's a

code. We have like, I probably shouldn't be disclosing this, but we have some... His code's probably 0-316. Yeah, they're this favorite verse. There's a code to get into the house and he he's like, he opens the door and I was like, apparently I was like, no, no, no, I can get it, I can get it.

And then he's like, what? I just opened the door for you. I was just like so drunk that I was like, no, no, no, I'm going to figure it out, which doesn't matter. Yeah, that's so annoying. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I don't know. It's, it's, it's, I'm gone now. But yeah, yeah. I'm definitely having like a 2025 raining it in.

You're going to rain it in. Yeah, because I kind of, I want to go home. I don't believe you. I don't see it. I don't see it. I don't see it. I don't see it. I'm raining.

I'm raining. Um, because it's like, I don't want to like, I want to have to let it rain. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you doing dry January? Anything like that? No.

This is the most alcoholic statement I'm ever going to say. I'm like sort of just doing like half dry. I'm like, I'm like limiting my drinking in January. Damp. Yeah. Damp. Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, that's the opposite. Dam would be super wet. Musty. Musty January. Yeah. I guess. I'm doing, I think I'm going to do wet. You're drinking just fully.

No, but I want to, if I were to cut back on anything, it would be weed. Because I have less of a, I have less of an issue with alcohol in terms of moderation and abuse and stuff. Then I do. So what's the opposite of dry? Fire, wet. Yeah. Wet January. Yeah, that's pretty good.

The opposite of dry is wet. Yeah. Which would be, which is fertile for lighting. Yeah. Is this making any sense? Yeah, a little bit. Sure. But also it's like, it's also frustrating because like when I go back, I hate to be just this cocky fucking guy, but I'm like, I rule, dude. I had sex with some lady while wearing sunb-go back to drinking?

While wearing sunglasses? Byper sunglasses. And then on New Year's, I shot a bottle rocket out of my butt crack. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no, go back. Yeah. Were you outside? No, no, no, no. So why?

Because we bought them at a gas station, and then I was like, can I wear these during sex? And she's like, yeah. I was just wearing just wearing pit vipers while having sex. What are pit vipers? They're like the sunglasses that like they're like

you'd recognize them. They're the most insane things. I literally was like, this is the happiest man in my whole entire life. That's so funny. I told you that too. I was like,

I'm going to have a kid one day. I'm going to look him in the eyes and be like, this is less. It is not like an empty feeling. I need to tell you something. Yeah. No, I'm going to have kids one day

and be like, look, this was cool, but like this was. This was the best. This was the best. moment in my life. And then everybody's like,

yeah, that's like super efficient. Oh, those. Wow. Okay. You know these ones, right?

Show me, show me. Yeah. Like a, like a video game DJ. Yeah. Yeah. I was like literally,

I was like, this was pure joy. But, um, Dave, they're the optimal blend of style and performance. Please.

Was she like turned on by this? Uh, I don't think so. But she wasn't like, she wasn't like, who cares. Well, turned off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, this was also me from, behind. So it's not like, as in she was,

like, she couldn't see the pit fiber. It's night time, right? Like, are you, can you just not see her at all? Yeah, I like sex with the lights on,

though. Oh, a lot of lights on. So you need the shit. Yeah, you need the sunglasses. You got these on. You have studio lights.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, I don't know. And then I, and then like,

new years, I, like, shot a bottle rocket out of my butt crack. And I'm like, I just continue to do things that I think are awesome. Like,

I'm like, I know I have like my opinion on it's Austin is like a fifth grader. But I'm like, I still, the shit I thought was cool. You're living up to it. Yeah, the shit I thought was cool at eighth grade, I still haven't thought was cool. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it is cool. Yeah.

I mean, I have no money, but like, that's fine. But who cares? Blow it all on bottle rockets and sunglasses. Yeah. That's the crazy part too. Okay, so I went through, I shot a bottle rocket out of my ass. Can you walk us through that? Yeah.

How that came up? Were you alone? So I was in a college party one time, and I shot one out of my hands. And slippery slope. It is. Okay. And then it goes to the elbow. And then you're injecting.

And all of a sudden. Well, I saw this fucking guy. He really went up to me and shot one out of his ass crack. And this is a pool party in college. And I was like, God fucking damn it. I'll never let somebody want up me again. So like this New Year's we're at some party in somebody's backyard. It's an ego thing.

Oh, it is. Yeah. That's so, so crazy. Yeah. Oh, my God. I was like, I'll fucking shoot one right out of my ass. And I did, and the angles are so funny because there's one angle where it's like from the side. You have it on video?

Yeah, I'll show you guys after that. The problem is my fucking phones are going to send it to you and then be like, we'll pull it up during the pod. But I, uh, some other woman took an angle that's like disgusting. Like, I didn't know. Because I was like, let's get, let's get as many angles as we can. It's literally like you can see the hair on my ass. It's from the tape. It's just below you.

I was like, you did not. And I just saw my foot the next day. I'm like, that's, it's like my friend's girl. Oh, God. Oh, my God. But then, uh, then fuck it. This is what's so funny. So then I, we had like a long night.

We like did an all-nighter. There's this bar called Wally's that's open at 8 a.m. We went at 10 a.m. New Year's Day. This thing was wall to wall. Like, we just did not stop having fun. And then I went straight to the airport. Were you from again? Where is this?

Orlando. Okay. So, oh, this is all happening in Florida. Well, I spent a little bit of family time. I like drunkenly was at home and I like made my parents. This wasn't family time? No, no, I wasn't my sisters. There you go.

Yeah. Oh, your sister was there? Yeah, yeah. What's she like? Is she like crazy like you? Oh, she's cool as fuck. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah.

That's actually dope. Yeah, we definitely like, I definitely don't talk about sex in front of my sister. But, um, yeah. Neither do I. I don't talk about sex in front of your sister. That's all me and my sisters talk about sex. That's different. I think girls sisters are different.

No, I don't talk about sex with my brother. My sister taught me how to ride dick. Wow. taught you? Taught me. She got on top of you and like. She showed you? I was, I think 16, and we had like a stuffed bear, and she was like, I'm going to show you how to do this.

Wow. Is there really a technique to it? Can your sister talk to my girlfriend? Honestly? I'm pretty bad at it. Isn't this kind of how you do it? Is there more to it? That's like 101.

I just get up there and smile. That's DR 101. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to go to 201, 301? Then there's the this one. Yeah, the feet under. You got a squat. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, but it's a high endurance one. Yeah. How long can you do that one? I retired a long time ago. Yeah, just completely. Yeah, I completely retired around 18. My knees are in the rafters.

I don't do that anymore. I mean, I used to be a pro, but now, you know, just commentating for me now. Yeah, just from the sidelines. But now it's funny, and I hate to just bulldoze his pockets. I just got to get this part of the story. So we get back to my parents' house and, like, I'm just like drunk making my parents watch like live Kanye videos. And I'm like him doing Runaway Live.

I'm like, this part's so sick. They're like, at least he doesn't live with it. this. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then I made them watch the whole dark night. I was like drunk all day.

What do you mean made them? I didn't made them, but I was like, I was like, we, where are we should watch the dark night? You're like, I would think about you guys dying.

I just wanted to spend their time to be something. Oh, Sit down what's a fucking movie. And then we left, I go to the airport. This is the whole reason to tell us whole story. I go through TSA.

Okay. I haven't showered just because I was, it was along. I go through TSA. The freak of booze and fucking. gunpowder. Ketamine.

I set off the machine. The machine keeps getting set off. I keep walking back and walking back. The machine keeps getting set off. You must have bomb residue on you. Yes. You have bomb residue. Yes.

Oh my God. They show me the map of where it's going off. And it's right where my ass is. I'm like, I couldn't figure it out. And I keep walking out. I go, okay. I tell the guy, I go, look, this is going to sound. crazy, but I shot a bottle rocket out of my ass last night on New Year's.

And he's like, was it a bet? And I was like, no, I just thought it was funny. He's like, this is Orlando happens every Tuesday. Don't even worry about it go right through. Oh, yeah. And he was giggling. But then he was like, he's like, I'm not sure that's what it is. I'm like, what other explanation.

That's for sure what it was. Because it was like, a known terrorist could have came on your ass. That is insane. Yeah, it was so good. I just, I was like, this is the funny. That is crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Was it a bet? because if it's a bed, you're allowed to go through. But if you're just doing that, you are a terrorist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So what was the rigamarole they put you through? Do they?

Yeah, he was just like, your crotch or anything? Oh, yeah, he did the whole weiner touch it and everything. And that's when I realized, I was like, wait. Yeah, this is, I definitely shut a bottle off. I like this. Yeah, yeah, I was like, wait. I was a kid out.

I get the weiner touch all the time. Yeah, what's up? I get the wiener touch all the time. That's because you're a handsome boy. That's because I requested. I really I really do get it. You're like, I may or may not

have a bomb on me. Yeah. I think you should check. You want to be safe. No, I don't know. It might be something in my underwear. Maybe I have like a weird alloy in my nuts.

You have a huge penis. No, no. This is my way of saying I have a huge penis piercing. I was just about to say that. That is. I have a fat Prince Albert on my car. No, I don't know what it is, but

and then there's the Jacobs Ladder, right? Jacob's ladders when you have like the whole thing apparently No, that's Yeah, yeah It's fake Rings or studs

Like you do like I guess whatever the I guess stud Like people just have it like All going down the penis That is like an African neck Yeah A nose maybe

Yeah yeah yeah Cut that out Careful Yeah Oh no you're saying like Yeah yeah yeah yeah I haven't looked like An African lady's neck

Where it's stretched out Rings Yeah I don't know I'm like no no I'm trying to increase the size of my penis I'm like listen guy

It's got a word for next. I'm on a program right now. I can't take the rings off. It's very important that I don't take them off for all these all progress. Do they have sex with it on or do they take it off? I didn't have sex with it on. It's like all that stuff like, as I said, I'm like obviously a weird sex guy, but like I'm, piercing's just kind of disturbed me in those.

That is where I draw the line. Bottle rockets up my ass. Piercings, no fucking way. No. That's crazy. You don't like, what do you mean? Like a little bit? A clit piercing.

I'm not like a really good thing. It's cool. If I was braver, I would have one. Really? A hundred percent. Yeah. I think it's hilarious, first of all. You know what is funny?

It's right here. I do become, like, weirdly religious with that stuff. I'm like, you're destroying the bod God was given you. Just like randomly, I'll just tell you. The bod God has given. You just put a bottle ragged up your ass. Like, you can't. I'm like agnostic, but like for some reason I see somebody like, I'm agnostic.

I don't know what it's up there. I see a clip piercing and I'm just like, God would not be happy with that. no idea where it comes from. It's like the only thing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, I don't know I don't know where that comes from. I don't know. Well, it's like also, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Because other stuff doesn't like bother me. Like, would somebody like, if somebody just like transition and turn their clit into a penis, I'd be like,

that's fine. But for some reason, the, it's foreign. The actual piercing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's not natural. Yeah. And I don't, I don't like care like on paper if you're like, would you vote against clip piercing? So I'd be like, no. Yeah. Okay, she's a 10, but she has a clip piercing. Oh, it's still be. I still do it, yeah, yeah.

But is she, what is she? Is she still a 10? No, she's like a 9 now, I don't know. Wow. It doesn't really bother me, but there is a weird just initial reaction where I'm like, I don't know. There's something weird about like genital mutilation in a way. It's kind of genital swag. It's genital swag.

It's genital drip. Yeah, which I have all the time, by the way, and it's totally normal. You have what? Genital mutilation. Oh, you're so. It's very healthy. Yeah, actually. No, I don't know.

It's like, okay, so he's a 10, but he's got to pronounce Albert piercing. Is he white or black? Well, I know he liked black guys. Yeah. Is like... White guy? Seven.

He goes down to a seven. Okay, but what if they're starting at this? Black guy? Eleven. Yeah. It makes him more attractive as black. I don't know. Yeah, it's got to feel weird.

It's going to feel like a guy who hasn't clipped his fingernail. You wouldn't let it in you? Absolutely. not. I'd be like you're taking out the piercines before we have sex, but that all seems like such an easy way. He puts it on the table next to his gun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah. Yeah. It's like, I don't know how you, uh, it's like, yeah. Well, it's also like, imagine, like, what you have to do with ear piercines is, like, clean them every couple of days. Yeah. Yeah. You forget, like, your ear gets infected. I'll probably touch it. I'll probably That happens on here.

Yeah, it's true. Most days. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you have to clean it more, probably. Yeah, that's crazy. Well, it's like, what is, I'm just trying to think of like, I don't know, because I guess

it is on the outside, but like, whenever I say certain body piercings, I'm just like, oh, that'll, like, never heal back. That kind of sucks. Yeah, like the gauges and whatever. I'm kind of the same way. I do love seeing someone who's a reformed gaugist. I know. I know.

They just have these sad ovals. They work in human resources now. It's just like, yeah. They're just like, if anyone says anything, that makes you uncomfortable. I'm like, I just want to do this in your ear. Yeah, yeah. I want to put my dick in your ear.

Can I say that to you in confidence? No repercussions? Yeah, that, yeah, it feels kind of like, I don't know, that, yeah, it's weird too because it's like I've never gotten a tattoo. I've had my ears pierced for like fun, but like I've never had a tattoo. Do you guys have tattoos? I don't. I have one that says ho on my ankle.

You have a Christmas theme of tattoo? My sister gave it to me and it's supposed to be a stint. man, but it's not. It says H-O. But I got it on a yacht in Antigua. Okay. So I'm like kind of fine with it. But you're Jewish, so you're mocking... What am I mocking?

You're mocking Santa Claus. Sure, yeah, yeah. That's very offensive to me. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah. But is it a... Wait, so it's just H-O-E? H-O. Oh, H-O. Hey, Michael. No, no, no, no. How dare you?

Went over this. Wow. No, it's honestly the stupidest tattoo, and I didn't get one for the longest time because I was like, like, like, I want to make sure it's super meaningful and like really matters. I got ho on my fucking ankle when I was drunk. Do you, like, what are your feelings on it? Do you like it? Both my sisters have matching ones.

Okay. So we have ho, ho, ho. Oh, that's fun now. Yeah, it's funny. Weird for Jews, though. It made no sense. It was literally, we all used the same fucking needle. Like each one of the dreidel sides or something?

Yeah, it makes no sense. But, I mean, so like, when I see them, I'm like, oh, I'm like cute. But then when I'm alone, I just have a hoe on my ankle. And when I put my leg up, it's just in some guy's face. You should have R-S-E on the other ones. Yeah. Yeah, I like, so this also happened on New Year's. I was hanging out with a bunch of people before we went to the bars,

and I was like, like, the next morning. And we were like, I was like, okay. Right, sorry. I was just bragging about how, like, New Year's day went to the bars. Yes, yes, yeah. I was bragging about how, like, I can stay up on, I don't do Coke anymore. And I'm like, I could stay up all night just with, like,

the energy. Just with fun. Yeah, just through the sheer power of friendship. Totally. That's literally what I was saying. I was like,

I was like, and this girl's like, I could stay a player than you know. I need a zen, a finger in my ass, Celsius, some glasses,

I'm good to go. I'll be, I like pride myself in that because I hang out with coke heads when I go back home, but I'm still like, I don't do it at all.

Yeah, you're getting contact high though, maybe. Maybe. From their energy. That is true. From their Coke energy. From their business plans.

Yeah. And I am cocky. You are cocky. with pit vipers on. Like, my dad's just cokey's against. But I used to do it. I don't like it anymore. But I was like, if I lose, if I fall asleep.

If I lose? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I lose the night. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, you can tattoo whatever you want on my foot. We'll go right after this. But if I win, if you fall asleep,

then we get to, I get to go on your Facebook for an hour and say whatever the fuck I want. You are a nine-year-old boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are a middle school. boy. Well, what's your idea of fun? Who's very precocious, I guess, if they're nine and their middle school.

No, that's funny. It's just like I haven't heard those stakes in a long, long time. Yeah. I'm like, I get to go on your Facebook. Who gives a shit? Give me your LinkedIn, bitch. I'll say the F word on there. I'll get you fired today. I should say, yeah, I should have said.

Happy to your fake. No. That would have been how could you even argue next to him? And you have like GHB'd your friend, so he passes out. made him fall asleep. Well, I, dude, yeah. That would be a very funny prank if you roofied your friend just to get him to lose the night. I, I, I, I, Abedibombed a friend one time in college.

Was it a girl or got? Oh, Adibaum. With Adorogs. Was this friend a girl? So obviously, I would not. But what happened was I fell asleep probably like six minutes after that. And she left to go walk her dog. And then she must have fallen asleep at her place because she never came back.

I never got the tattoo. I was like, thank fucking God. I was like. Yeah. Yeah. But, no, in college one time, my buddy. This is like freshman year. He had been asking for Adderall all week for exams.

That was prescribed. So I was like, okay, so I'd like give him Adderall. So I wasn't like just giving it to a random person. And he goes, yeah, man, I don't know if I feel like going out tonight. And we're in the cafeteria. And then he walks to get food. And I'm like, he's going to go out tonight. I just crushed up an Adderon, put it in his drink.

And he drank the whole blue gatoria. And I was like, pretty good, right? That's fucked up. Yeah, I was really fucked up. Wow. Go ahead. No, but then we all went out. I had a good time.

Did you ever tell him? No, I told him right when he got, when he finished drinking it. I was like, yeah, there was an Adderall in there. It's like, yeah, I think you're going out tonight. And then he was like, yeah, I guess I have, yeah. But it was not like, I like me just now trying to defend drugging my friends. I'm like, no, no, no, no, it's totally cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I used to have a bit about that, like, like, drugging women with Adderall so they're more alert during the decision-making process. That's funny. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But then I think I heard somebody else do it. Yeah, I don't know. Someone's someone talking about spiking people's drinks with just antidepressants.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Then they can't come. Oh. Interesting. The worst crime of all. Yeah. Yeah.

Taking away someone's power to come. Yeah. Yeah. Do you either you guys take antidepressants? It's like taking away someone's bending. Yeah. I don't watch in the avatar last they're bender. Yeah, I do.

I've never had a problem with that, though. With the coming. Yeah. Which, I take them. Yeah. You don't come? I've come in years. Really? Yeah.

But you're also a woman that's, like, physically impossible. Yeah. Yeah, no, that's true. It's against the laws of physics. Yeah. Yeah. No, true. That's the theory of special relativity.

I do wonder, like, if it happens, like, what am I going to be like? Like, when I, next time I come, like, am I going to, like, grow? Am I going to, like, sprout wings? What's going to happen to me? I'm sure it'll be. How long has it been since you've come? Like, how many years would you say? We're really turning this into, like, because you're probably going to aid.

You're probably going to. Oh, God. I don't even know. Wait, how does that one go, by the way? Sorry to it. Have you listened to Plug Talk? No, but the only thing I was going to say is you're probably when you come, I'm going to age the amount of time that you had to come for. Oh, my God, I can never come.

Yeah. Your hair's going to fall out, rink. Have you seen the substance? It's going to be a lot like the substance. You're going to have witch fingers. But you're going to be so happy and relax. My tits are going to sag immediately. But they look very not on antidepressants.

Because some people do antidepressants. What does that mean? What does that mean? Like I look depressed? No, no, no, no, no. You look like you're going to kill yourself. I don't know, you have like spikes of joy, it looks like. Like you, you, you I could see on antidepressants.

Thank you. You've got a kind of mood level. Thank you. You've got a mood level to you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would say it. Crazy vibes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, depends you asked. Yeah, what was you not? What was you? Yo, what was you? What was you like off damn antidepressants? Yeah.

She said she likes black guys down. Like, yo, what was you? What was that shit like? Well, what was that shit like? Well, you went on them. Um, okay. Well, so the reason I went on them. You've been offensively bad black accent.

That dude, it's so bad. The only reason it's offensive is because of how bad it is. It's like this guy's never met a black man before. The only one I could do it. No, I could do a really deep black guy. That's the only one I could do. I call my brother. Like, yo.

Hey, what's up, man. Where are you at today? Yeah, yeah. I'll hit you up later. This is a black guy in witness protection. It's the Allstate guy That's who it is. Well, guess what color skin is his?

It's black. The all state guy, but he's got a big dick piercing. 11, 13. Yeah, I'm going to come. Finally. What are you going to say about depression and your spikes? I think I'm fine. Before I was on them, not great.

But I was really young. I started them when I was 11. Wow. I started my mind when I was like 21. Really? No, maybe like 1920, but yeah. Yeah, I was 11. I was put on Adderall way young, but antidepressants, I'm like terrified.

I'll do all this crazy shit. I'm so scared to take antidepressants. You know what I think it was the reason they put me on them? It was my parents' decision. They were like, we can't handle like the drama. Because I'm like a very like, I'm melodramatic. Yeah. Just put her on a fucking drug and make her go to sleep.

Are you Italian too? No. Okay. Yeah. People think that though. Yeah. People also think I'm from Jersey. All the time.

I asked you that, I thought. Yeah, people always think that. Can somebody just explain what the Jewish Italian thing is because like I know they're different. We're both fucking cool. Big noses attitude. Yeah.

What's the problem? I'm not saying sex appeal. Raw sex appeal. Yes. Raw sex appeal. Explain yourself to humans. I get, I get.

But what I'm saying is like, there's such like, there's such a similarity. And there's got to be like some weird thing where you're like, all Italians are actually secretly Jewish. There's got to be some. No, you know, okay.

This is the, this is the, this is how. I can tell if someone Hit him with the truth bomb. Yeah, is Jewish or Italian? How they interact with someone of the opposite sex.

Okay. If he's grabbing a woman's ass and he's Italian. Italians, well, yeah, but Italians are way more like forward and sexy and Jews are very like... But you know, I will say this. I don't think Jewish guys have a good game. Like, they're good at talking women.

Witty as hell. Witty as hell. Yeah. But, yeah. You'll see like a short, bald Jewish guy like this doll, which is like the hottest chick in the planet. and I'm like, you know what, maybe it's not the money. I don't know.

Sometimes, but sometimes you see, like, Jewish guys are just so good at Brisbane. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They're smart. Yeah. Well, I think it's also. Italians are dumb. That's why they got to touch you.

Yeah, Braun. It's where they got to grab you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're allowed, by the way. I love Italian. They're allowed, by the way. I fucking love Italians. I think...

That makes one of us. I think a problem with, like, the... This sounds so bad. Maybe cut this after. I think a problem with the world right now is that guys don't fucking hit on girls enough. No, it's true. I mean, I'm terrified too. You're a creepy.

You're a weird guy. You're not the average guy. You're not the average guy. You're not. Yeah. And even you are. No, no, no. But I'm sorry.

You're respectful. Thank you. I appreciate that. Drop the respect. A producer, go ahead and edit that back into the podcast like 10 times. Just like cut that. You're respectful. No, but I'm saying that as an insult.

Drop the fucking respect. Scream me like a piece of meat. That's hot, dude. I was thinking about this today, actually, because I was just thinking about how with like apps and everything, there's this like digital kind of notion of consenting someone to talk to you. Yeah. Of like an opt-in. You're opting in like you would do a subscription email for someone to chat you up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're also used to that now. Just someone out in the wild, it's like, what am I going to give them a rose in real life? I'm not, you know, I'm not just going to go out of my way and go direct to the person.

But you should. You should, right? I have never once. And maybe I'm. I'm an outlier here, but I've never once been offended by a cat call, by a grope. Like, I'm always like, thank you so much. Thank you so much. I know. I know. It's not great. Bisexual assault?

Yeah. It's all gravy, baby. Being raped, hot, dude. It's so hot. Well, you can't love black guys and not love catcalls. Yeah. You know what's so funny. I take the good with the bad.

In my neighborhood, they know me because, like, you know, when I first moved there. She's don't give a shit, Gigi. Yeah. When I first moved. there they'd cat call me and I'd be the only one. She's workshop our new stuff, Gigi. Yeah. Sugar tits. No, they're like, so when I first moved there, they would

like cat call me and I would like turn around and talk to them and they freak them the fuck out and now they don't do it anymore and it's actually so sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like there's something wrong with this one. She's a guy. She's a trans woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your favorite cat call that you've gotten in your neighborhood?

Well, okay, this isn't a cat call, but there was this homeless guy who like he screamed to me. He were like, no, no, no. Sorry, sir. I was walking by. A wandering poet, you mean. An itinerant poet. Yeah.

I was walking by. I try not to look at him. I'm kidding. But I was walking by and I like didn't look and he was like, he was like, hey baby. And I turned around full of dick and balls. Whoa. And I hung. Yeah, they all are.

That's why they're out there. It's like people who win the lottery. They don't know what to do with all the time. Yeah. And I was like honestly like, you know, it wasn't a bad part of my day. Yeah. It was a good part of my day. Sure.

That kind of made my day. And like, it's gross, but it's hilarious also. Yeah, it would be funny if he had, like, the best manicured penis and balls. Just like his hair out of here and no teeth and he's got like the best. Get that dick an interview. He's ready for the workforce. He was wearing a dress shirt, which was so funny. Did the dick go through the first?

Or did it go? Was it untaught and it went through like the triangle that the dress shirt leaves? Yeah, yeah, I wish. Was it on talked? Yeah. was it through the zipper? The dick and balls through the zipper? No, no pants.

No pants. No pants. Bear ass on a bench. Dirty dancing. Did he slide like Tom Cruise? And then it just keeps swinging back and forth when he stops sliding. And then he's like, no, you, no you. Yeah.

No, it was honestly like, I was like props. Yeah. Like, you know it is funny though. Gay guys hitting on me is like almost not. I'm never like bothered by. I'm never like. you get away from me in the gayest way I was like you stop at

I like black eyes yeah yeah but it is not in my mind it does not compliment me the same way because a lot of guys are like oh as a woman hitting on me every guy's like you want to raise your confidence good at gay bar I'll do it's a hit on you every time a gay guy's hit him I'm like yeah but you're like

you're like a guy so you're horniness level your standards I know are lower because you're a man right men have lower standard so I'm like your standard it doesn't mean as much yeah right Yeah. What's your favorite compliment you've ever gotten from a girl?

I'm trying to think. I don't know. Probably like I think most of it is like personality based. Most of it's like, oh, I go on dates. These guys are really boring. You're very fun date.

Because I'm like, I like, I like that my personality. What about you? I don't know. I can't think of one recently, honestly. Yeah. Girlfriend doesn't talk to me there very much. I went on a date with this lady in Harlem one She's like you're so funny

And she was a black woman And I don't know What was that accent? Why is she from? You're so funny You're crazy hilarious No I can't remember At the last time I got like a memorable compliment

That is Yeah Yeah Like one of the standards Yeah Being I mean Yeah To your point I'm very muted

Muted guy Yeah Yeah What do you mean? Like the Where Gigi has the spikes of joy I'm just What do you mean spikes by the way?

You're just like Episodes Manic Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Your eyes are wide open You're like here for life Versus Zach who you know

I mean It's just passing you by Everything's just moving in front of It doesn't mean anything It's all empty Exactly Exactly I'm just watching the highway

Yeah yeah waiting for my turn. I was thinking about this earlier. I don't know why I thought it would be funny if an Italian guy lied about being Jewish to get pussy on birthright. Why would they be on birthright?

Well, true. What do you mean? You could probably... Can you lie to go on birthright? They might do some genealogy test or something. I don't know, though. Yeah, how would they... My girlfriend recently went to...

This is kind of related. My girlfriend recently went to Israel to do some... She's a therapist. It was like a Jewish therapist. That's cool. Collective things. It was a lot of...

seminars and whatever. And Semetics, I don't know, sorry, I was immediately, I was like, there's anti-Semnon. I thought there was some wordplay with Semitic seminars. Israeli really love bomb people. She should, like, we were trying to do the, yeah, the accent. Yeah, they love bombing. That's what they're doing is they're bombing them with love. Yeah, good catch.

But she showed me this video of this guy that was like, this is my grandmasters from the Holocaust. I want you to have it. Like in this, you know, like, gold star thing. Oh, I thought it was like a joke. Okay, this is how, I thought you met. This is my grandmother's ashes. No, no, no, no, no, like a piece of jewelry.

Oh, okay. Like, they're, and they know the people, they have a name for the people who come over for birthright. Did you do birth rate? No, not yet. Oh, okay. Well, you should go and fuck people. I think you can go.

I think you can go. Until you're, like, 29. Huh? On here. Okay, sorry. Yeah, yeah. I know it's still good there. Yeah, yeah.

But, yeah, the Israelis have a, name for the birth rate people because they all fuck. They're like, bros, they all fuck. Who are the people on birthright? Yeah. Apparently that's what it is. It's like a big orgy. Like you go it's a big Jewish orgy. And it is half the vibe of like, you know, repopulating and all that shit. Yeah. Yeah.

So my sister went on birthright, but she's sober. So she went on sober birthright and I was like, you're fucking missing the point of birthright. Yeah, yeah. You go on birthright to do drugs and fuck. Like that is yeah. There's also gay birthright in the land that belongs to you. Yeah, that's what God would fucking want. Yes.

Yeah. Yes. This what? Gay birthright? Yeah, apparently. But that's not repopulating. They send you to Gaza. You're like, your flight's going to be landing a little more south than the others, and I'm sure you'll have a great time. If you find your way back, we'll

give you something. Dude, I did have the wildest conversation. This guy came to a comedy show Israeli guy. This is back when I was in Florida, and he mixed me up with another comic, and he goes, dude, I love your stand-up. He's like, I also don't like a black of people. And I was like, oh, you mix me up with somebody else. I was like, there's somebody else in the lineup.

But he did say the wildest thing. I don't like to get political. He said he was not like for, you know, whatever stuff. He's like, I left because I don't want to deal with war. This is an Israeli guy. Yes. Oh, sure. Okay.

They do speak, by the way, if people don't know, they do speak like French, Middle Easterners. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't play. My Cista. We watched like 30 minutes of Israeli accents, just trying to get that. It's actually a very hard action to do it. You sound pretty good. Yeah, I, I try, yeah, I watch videos of accents.

I just feel so silly just sitting there trying to do a Chinese accent for an hour. I'm so bad. I mean, I had this weird memory as a kid. Keep rewinding the video. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How wrong? No, that's not it. As a kid, I had this memory of being, like, the best at accents.

Uh-huh. In my mind, I was like Robin Williams. I could just do everything. And then, and then I think either that's complete delusion and that did not exist in my life. Or your balls dropped and you lost all the time. Yeah, yeah. Or I think what happens is like when there's little hesitation when you're trying to do an accent, you completely can't do it because you're overthinking it. But when you're a kid, you're like, nobody even knows what a Chinese guy is.

So they're just going to think I'm doing a fun voice. And then, yeah, yeah. What school do you go to? I'm kidding. They didn't teach you. No, I went to private school. There was enough of them there. I'm kidding.

But, uh, yeah. That's funny. That is funny. That is funny. There must have been some Chinese guys there. No, there was tons. Yeah, yeah. One time this was so embarrassing.

I don't know why. That makes it sound like my elementary school was filled with like 40 year. Business business. They're going to buy the school and Oh, no, no, keep it vacant. Bro, my elementary school was bought and by like a Chinese company. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And people, like, think it's like a weird, like, you know they're like buying a bland over here. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they have been forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But people are thinking it's part of like a weird plan to like start a, start like dismantling America.

It's probably both. It's probably investment returns and then, you know, they also have some benefits. Yeah, you're like, just tell them capitalism kind of sucks. Yeah. I once had a, I was in force. grade and people were like sharing fun facts and I shared that I could do a good Russian accent. Yeah.

And then I had to do it on the spot and I couldn't do it. Oh. It's so embarrassing. Yeah, yeah. It was really bad. I turned beat red. Oh, that's actually a door. You shat your pants.

I shat my pants. That's so sweet. Can you do it? Do it. Do it right now. What do you want to say? I don't know. Whatever you want.

The train is kind of loud. There you go. That's not bad. Not bad. I was clear my throat. I wasn't going to do one. Russian accents for men are scary, but when a woman has a Russian accent,

it's so hot. I have mixed feelings on it. I don't know if I can't. Oh, I'm Russian. Oh, maybe it's good. Maybe it's because you start the impression with, oh. That's how I do every impression.

Oh, I'm a British. Oh, I'm a black girl. Oh, you. No, but like, Russian women. there's like a sex appeal to it. You know what I mean? Yeah. There is.

Yeah. But for men, no. But I, I'm, I was like, if I go to, like, a strip club and, like, the strippers like Russian, I get, like, really uncomfortable because I'm like, traffic. Who sent you here? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They wanted, they're here of their own volition. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, yeah, this is their Pimp's name. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And I'm like, yeah. And I'm not a big fan. probably wanted to be a ballerina before this. Yeah. Exactly. Somebody took you. Yeah. I had a stripper asked me to give her a lap dance minute. That was the best compliment I've ever gotten.

Can you give me a lap dance? Yeah, yeah. That was the best. She was probably just tired. Yeah, that's true. In my mind, I'm like, it's because my butt's sexy. She's like, these heels hurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was like, she saw this juicy ass walking in here wants a fucking piece. Yeah, sure. She wanted some expert consulting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went, I didn't go. I saw a strip club across the way in Minnesota. What is it called? I don't remember.

But the slogan was hundreds of, hundreds of sexy girls and three ugly ones. That's great. Very good. I would have gone right in. That's great. I love that. Yeah, we went like a couple times

for the last couple weeks. And then one night out of the... How were the Tampa strippers? You go after the... How was the set, by the way? Anything crazy happened? No, no. It was fun.

It was really... Oh, I got to tell you guys that after the podcast. But this is beeping, by the way. I don't know. what happens every 10 minutes. This might not technically be a building as though we're figuring out. It technically be apartment.

I don't know. But, uh... Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what it means. My roommate's just like, this might not technically be registered as an apartment. Because, like,

we didn't pay for Connoisse and the lights are still on. And he's saying there might be some weird thing with like the lights are part of the building and not part of a unit. That's great. Yeah, yeah. So he's like, he's like, dude, but like the outlets didn't work in the room.

So he's like, maybe we can, like, if the outlets work out here, I was like, maybe we just have one cord going through all the rooms and not pay for... I do love that you have a surge protector plugged into a surge protector. Oh, is that what's going on? That is what's happening over it. Oh, yeah, I don't know. And that could be the beeping, warning you that it's going to blow up.

But I think that's a great thing to do. I support the surge, so... Yeah. I don't really like... How are you going to protect the second one from the surge if you don't have a plug-down to the first one? I don't want to... I think... I like the surge. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I like danger.

I know you're Canadian. So, do you know that's a fire hazard? I have no idea what the fuck a surge is. I have an extension cord. An extension strip. He has one plugged into another. He has one six plugged into another six. How do you know that that's a fire hazard? Because I have a dad.

Oh, lucky you. Yeah, well, not anymore. Because you know what happened? Three starts protect us later. He's gone. He's dead. He is dead, but that's not how. It was four search protectors.

He went for the record. Yeah. But, yeah, when he was here, he bestowed upon me. Are both of your dad? Yes. You guys should like bond over that. I think we just did. Ho.

Ho. Oh. Yeah. How's your dad? Yeah. He's just right. Other than, the funniest part was also me leaving drunk,

and I was just like, you're going to see. And another thing. I was like, you're going to be so proud of me. I'm going to get so much, this next Christmas, I'm going to be a celebrity.

You ever heard of Joe Rogan podcast? Dude, you suck. Yeah, I feel so bad. I'm like, but I suck, but then I also like,

at things, I'm like, no, that was all so awesome. Did they bring it up to you? What are their reactions? Yeah. They were just like, this is what he's going to do. I don't know. They were like, it was not like, like. Oh, you're 27, right?

I'm 28. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is you. Are they financially supporting you at all? Are you just, yeah, I borrow money from them. Yeah, yeah. Not like constantly. You pay it back?

What's up? Because borrow is an interesting term. I'm playing on it. Like, there was a couple months where I worked. After Joe Rogan. Yeah, yeah. There was a couple months where I worked for it comes in. I work for my dad

But also, like, I was pretty good. Like, I had a job when I was 15 and, like, I, like, I didn't ask for money for like a while. I'm just asking how independent you are from them to be able to be kind of a shithead with no consequences. Not enough to the way I am. Not enough, yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom pays for therapy, so.

For your therapy? Yeah, yeah. That's so nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Mine would, but I have free therapy through Medicaid or Medicaid or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

No, I need to switch over to that because I do have Medicaid also. You guys talk to your mom like that? Yeah. You're like, can you pay for my therapy? Yeah. No, but I'll just be like, I'm not going to therapy or whatever, then I like my therapist because he's gay and he's gay. They're so gay. No, he's actually gay. Oh, he's really gay?

And I thought that would be good. Because it was a guy. And I'm like, well, that's going to be bad. But then he's gay, so I thought it would be good. So he's a girl. Yeah. But no, he's just bad, but fun. But he's bad. Why is he bad? He's like, what if he went out in there? Yeah, he's like, next time coming into a thong. Yeah. I'm a bad gay therapist.

He's sitting on the couch like this. Could you do a 360 for me? I just want to see what's going on. I see what's wrong. No, it's just not helpful. You know, I just don't have a connection. I don't care. This is the key thing.

I don't care. Similar to what you were saying, I don't care what he thinks about me. If a woman, like a gay man complimenting you doesn't mean as much because you don't really care as much because he's hornyer or whatever. Yeah. I don't really care with this gay therapist thinks about me as a person.

Because he's gay? Because he's less human. Yeah, yeah. That's what it is. No, no, not because he's gay, but just, I just don't, yeah, I just don't connect with him. Yeah, that's fair. I need to be in love with my therapist. Dude, I feel like it.

Or else I'm not worried about letting them down. I have 100% a jerk to my therapist. Is your therapist a chick? Yeah, she's like a middle-aged woman, yeah. I would love to have a male therapist, but I can't do it. 100% I can't do it. Why not? Because I won't even, I will exclusively try to fuck him.

You'll try to impress him with your stories and stuff. I will try to fuck him. Like, you put me in a room alone with a man who listens to me. Yeah, that's why I just zoom. You got to zoom it. Got to zoom it. Really? I'm just,

I'm literally walking around town. Just saying the crazy shit. You walk around? I walk around town. With the video? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy, dude. Yeah, I don't know why I like a woman spitting in my mouth,

but I'm like, I'm just like, I'm saying, I'm saying all this stuff just in front of everybody. Is this next to the Hasids down the road? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it doesn't, I don't know. But I like, she's really good. I think it's good to have an older person to talk to about things than aren't your parents because they put perspective on shit.

They're like, oh, you're worrying about this thing that's not worth worrying about. But then she will be honest. There's something that I should worry about. She's like, yeah, you should cut back on dating and drinking in January. See, mine's not prescriptive at all. That's, yeah, that's a problem.

And you need somebody who, like, kind of helps shape what you're supposed to be doing. Not someone who just, like, listens and gives you ad hoc advice for that day. Well, she doesn't, tell me exactly what to do. Like there's certain things that she's kind of like, I can't tell you what to do in this position,

but she will be like, that's maybe a good idea to do that. Which is kind of, that's advice, yeah, yeah, but most of it's me talking. My favorite were the notes.

She brought up, like, notes because I'd be like, yeah, you know, I just kind of like, think I want to get back for my ex-girlfriend. And then she's like,

I'm going to go ahead and read some notes from when you guys are dating. And then it's like, oh, shit. I didn't realize how stressed I was and like, you know, stuff like that. Yeah, which is helpful. I'm like, oh, I didn't realize because she's like,

I think you're actually happier now than you were in the relationship. Now that it doesn't get tough, dude, I did a fucking real mistake on Christmas. So from November... No. November 2023, all I have here is wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. I want to kill myself. That's all the time we have. What I did was I fucking, um,

my ex loves otters and I was at the mall. Like body types or... No, yeah, little furry men is what she said to. Yeah, yeah. But I saw like a painted, like, it was like a painted, I was at the mall buying Christmas presents. And so like, and it's like I was kind of hung over. I was kind of like emotional.

I went to the mall. And I saw all these otters that were painted on like coasters. And I was kind of like, oh, this is just like a nice thing to get for somebody you care about. And I don't, now I'm like, this is fucking insane. I should not have been. I was like, this is fucking. I didn't get it like, my mind. I was like, I'll get this.

And then when we're friends, hopefully a year from now, I could like give it to her. Oh, you'd already broken up and you're going to get this full. Yeah, I know it's insane. Oh, I didn't notice that. I was like, this isn't, this is fine. I mean, it's sweet. That's what I'm saying. And, like, I was like, I was like, I know there's all these rules, but like, you know,

sometimes the rules can go fuck themselves. Fuck the rules. I miss you. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, it's Christmas time. Throwing the coasters through her window. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, it was like Christmas time and I was like, you know what? Sometimes the holidays are more important than the, and what I was going to do is, I was going to even to one of her friends. Holidays are more important to breakups. Yeah. boundaries don't matter when the decision

to rational people made it's Christmas You ever seen love actually? Yeah And I was doing really good Until this Like I was like kind of like Pretty healed up

And then I like I got the coaster And I was gonna give it to one of her friends Be like don't say it's from me Just say it's from you I just like thought she could enjoy this And in my mind Santa

Yeah From Santa And her friend straight up was like You should throw that away And then I threw it away It was so sad Just like throwing it through it I should have gone to the ocean

and just fucking chucked it in there. Hello! But yeah, it was so many, too, because I didn't realize how insane it was in the moment. I was like, yeah, this is like you get something for somebody nice. And my parents were just like, yeah, you should totally just give it to her. And I'm like, do you think you miss her?

Or do you miss having someone to give that kind of thing to? No, I miss her. She was one of my best friends. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like, yeah, we even had a conversation in six months. You're under no contact. Yeah. When did you end this?

I should drone her over. Just have a drone, drop it off at her apartment. Yeah. That ended way better than I thought. I should drone her. I should drone strike this bitch. Let me hook you up with some of my girlfriend's friends overseas. What did you break?

When did things end? I was like six years ago? No, I'm kidding. That was so sad. I'm like, nah, no, I think she's coming back. Was this this Christmas you did this Otter thing? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow.

Yeah, we broke up. Not this September, but September before that. So it's been like a year and like four months. Yeah. Can you also hold higher on the thing? I don't know how many you can. You take this hand? I'm looking at the levels, dude.

It's all, we're all gravy. Okay, okay. Wait, okay. So a year and a half. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. How long have you been no contact? Like six months.

Okay. All right. So you have another like six months until you're over the hump. We're both in a wedding in August. So I was like, all right, we'll, uh, I never got over the no contact with my, uh, with my ex. I would be fine to do it, but she didn't, she didn't want to do it. It wouldn't mean? We would have a touch base every,

every like a year or something. About what? She would just reach out to me and we would catch up for a little bit and then... Well, I would love this to be dad at some point, but yeah, yeah. No, but that's all it is

and then I haven't, you know, I don't know. We also have a new girlfriend. That's true. I don't, and I don't necessarily need this other person in my life, but it seems like she doesn't want... To let go.

To reconnect. No, doesn't want to stay connected. Oh, okay, I see. I see. Are you... Yeah, because we're both blocked on social media and that's like the...

Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All my exes, yeah, nothing. Well, because it's terrible just to see somebody, like, you're like, oh, it's better just kind of like, I don't know, yeah. One of them, I think, actually wants me, like, dead. Really? Yeah, he hates me. He absolutely hates me, yeah.

Why do you think that is? Yeah. Okay. Gave him some coasters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For Christmas? No, so when I was 21, I was dating a man who was much older than me. And at the time I thought it was hot.

He was 36. Okay. And at the time I thought it was like sexy That he was like controlling my every Move and whatever Right And when I realized I didn't want that anymore He got pretty upset

Yeah yeah yeah yeah So you should Yeah no absolutely How dare this fucking broad This child honestly Yeah yeah She doesn't know what's good for her You gotta listen to do the dolls

Yeah so I think Yeah he wants to be not alive That's crazy He used to like leave notes on my doorstep After I broke up with him of like, I hope you like the way my cum smells in your room. And, like, he would like, hey, he hung this stuffed animal that we went. He's like lyrics he's working on.

Did you did Oliver Rodrigo? It was really wild shit. It's pretty funny, though. Yeah. That's nuts. Do you have any jokes about that? Those notes are super funny. None about the notes.

The notes are hilarious. What else would he write on the notes? Did you really write something about that? Yeah. Yeah. He dropped off a candle. It's my least favorite Sabrina. What was it?

His comb. He dropped on a candle. His comb. He just fucked a camera. Like one of these wide candles, just gives inside it. He was like, you could use this to get the smell of random guys come out of your room. And he left it on my door. Oh, random guys.

It's so funny. It's so funny. A guy like that is like, you can. I win. Yeah. He's like, last word. But it was a nice candle, so I, like, I used it. Why not? Yeah.

Yeah. I have no emotional attachments to objects. Like the bed that me and my ex had slept on. She was like, she's like, couldn't do it, whatever. I was like, I would love to have that. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I got certain things.

Like, I don't think about this, but I have like a hoodie that I wear almost every, like twice a week. I know. And I see you in it all the time. And I'm, and I'm always like, I remember one time I was like, I like, I like your hoodie. And you're like, oh, it's actually my ex-girlfriends. And I was like, that's, he's going to have to face that soon. But I'm not going to say anything. I never think that I wore it so long wearing a waist ship that it was kind of my hood.

Like, you know. Right. Right. It's like, yeah. Right. But like, yeah, I couldn't have like a Christmas ornament that we got together. Like that would fucking... Fair enough, yeah.

I can. I'm like, anything that you got me during the relationship is mine. And any shirts I still have are now mine and everything's mine. Any pottery we made at a paint and sip is mine. You have nothing to do with it. Like, it's mine now. We did a glass blowing thing and I have like a paperweight glass blowing thing that I'm like... Did your current girlfriend know that's what that is?

No, it's at my home in Maryland. Oh, okay. We're all my most treasured art of... He's just holding. In a box of women's teeth. Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't know.

We'll figure it out. I'm on the other side of it. The guy. No, I'm not. You will be. Yeah, yeah. It's not like I am at the point where I'm like, oh, I think right now at least my life is happy or not like that.

But it's not like, it's not like that thing where it's like, I'm fully just like, yeah, whatever. Yeah. Like I'm sure if I saw her, I'll be like, yeah it's crazy you don't run into people in New York it's fucking so wild yeah every time I go on a date I'm like I just go about the restaurant to like make sure

yeah unless the girl's like super hot and then I'm like she lives in New York as well but she's from Florida yeah okay I see I keep seeing comics all the time everywhere yeah I see comics all the time too I saw Jordan Jensen in the park but she didn't see me and I was so embarrassed I was like you're so successful fuck I was this new year's actually I have a question about

the cum candle guy. Sure. More of a statement, really. What he did embodies my least favorite Sabrina Carpenter's song. What? Taste you. I fucking hate that song. It's a great song.

It's so mean-spirited. Yeah, it's awesome. It's okay for a girl. You're Italian. You're Italian from New Jersey. Do you know what the song is? You just have to taste me when he's kissing you. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sexy as fun. I heard you back together. And if that's true, you'll just have to taste me. Yeah. When he's kissing you. Yeah. Yeah.

Because my lady comes still on his gum. on your lips. Yeah. It's in between his teeth because he does it floss. That's fine if a chick does that. It's not fine when anyone does that. No, it's the same thing.

No, it's the same exact thing. It's literally territorial pissing. Yeah. It's like I sat on your face and now it's going to leave some scent. You're going to get flagged at the TSA for bomb resolution.

Because that pussy bomb. Yeah. But no, I think it's like if you, like, I think it's great for music because it's like expressive and you should express your like deepest emotions in like an art form like that. Like that's great.

That's not a deep emotion. That's like a cunty superficial. Yeah, it rocks. It's a nan and a boo-boo. We need, cunty songs are awesome. Scrubs, I don't want no scrubs.

She's a cunt. That's a good one. She's like, you don't have a job. That would make sense though. Yeah, saying like waving to me from the passenger seat to your best friend's ride,

that's a very good image. Yeah. I like all that. But what I am saying, this one is just like I hope that my ex and his new slash old partner have some kind of rift and almost like a haunting

That is me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I say this though? You can say this. Yeah, so on my own fucking podcast? No, I bulldoze everybody. And then I'm like, can I please talk after I talk for an hour. But I think it's like this.

Like, that is a terrible attitude to have that she has. Oh. And it's like, that's like, that's not a mature way to be. And that is like not. Like I'm like, that's really like childish. And you should not be that way. But as an entertainer, I'm like, I think what she's doing is awesome because it's like you're expressing yourself. So like I like people expressing themselves fully and like, same with like Eminem

talking about murdering his mom. I don't think it's cool to want to murder your mom. Sure. But it's cool to express that you want to murder your mom in your art form because you're being like honestly who you are, which is good. That's not a good emotion necessarily, but it's part of being a human being. It's on the spectrum of emotions that we all have. She's short. She's cute. She can say whatever the- Do you identify? I shouldn't have a shot on her. No, I shouldn't a shout on her. What are you? You are? Okay. You're five? Four? Three. Three. Two. Where'd you go? No, I'm four eleven. Okay. Wow. Yeah. My mom is four-seven. and my dad was 6-2.

Dang. Yeah. Yeah. So that's where like 36 guy. That's hot. 36-year-old man? Well, also right after Daddy died.

So it was like I needed a new one. Oh, yeah. I did that too. Did you? Did you? Yeah. It's fun for a bit. Yeah.

I do hate to wrap up the, oh no, we got fucking four minutes. I hate to do that. I'm like, well, I guess we're out of time. No, we still got it to fill four minutes. Not got to, but I just ruined the momentum. It's okay. We have none. We have none.

We never had any, brother. I have, do you have any, I have a little New Year's thing. Yeah. Yeah. Do you, do anything happen at off the wagon? No, a bunch of young people. Yeah.

That was it. Yeah. I really have no fun stories. I have two things. One, I was waiting for the bus at 3 a.m., which I took a bus from Williamsburg, from Flop House. It's the Williamsburg Plaza. You tell people you're taking a bus after 2 a.m.

They think you're like sneaking off to go buy heroin. They're like, the bus, what? They're not, like, they don't believe that that's what you're doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, why would you debase yourself so? That's exactly what I'm talking about. Well, she's also like the Uber Queen. She's like always Uber and everywhere.

I'm a girl. Yeah, I'm like, bougie. You know who I see on the bus a lot? I get raped and I'm like, oh my God. You know who I see a lot on the bus, girls? That's why I take the bus. And just wear a business shirt. That was me out there.

Yeah. Yeah, and I don't think that's, crazy. It is funny because I can't relate to people thinking you're up to weird. That wasn't the whole story by the way. There's more than just I took the bus. People thought that was nuts. There was a guy in a full suit, like a tuxedo and he seemed like kind of Long Island, New Jersey trash. Yeah. Probably a brother. Probably a brother. And he was talking like this. He's like, no, it was so great to meet you. You know, he's like chatting up this girl. He's drunk. He's waiting for the bus. And she's clearly asking. She's. She's clearly

asking him like what would you do to me if you were here right now because he's like hey i'm kind of you know i mean hey if i was in private i might be a little more uh descriptive but you know i want to keep it kind of mysterious so he's like a drunk idiot trying to make he's we're waiting for the bus and i am over i'm hearing him and then later on he goes you're literally a princess you're literally an african queen i'm like dude this is crazy and then he's on the bus he's a black guy though no he is not a black guy that's awesome he looks who does he look like. He looks like the most toe-headed, like Connecticut, kind of

a little chunky businessman. Fade or no, no, no, fade? Like a fade haircut? Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Awesome. And then I'm on the bus with this guy, it turns out, for like almost the whole way. He's still talking to her at like 4 a.m. when I get home. And he's like, so, you know, it's like 4 a.m. I should probably let you go. Like, I don't know what this

girl's life is. It's everybody like, I should probably let you go. She's not a queen. I mean, she's holding this guy hostage for the whole bus ride. Oh, so she's about it. yeah she must be she's talking to him on the phone yeah yeah yeah she's at least seeing how far oh i don't know i thought she was on the bus no he's on the phone with this woman what if he was just trying to look cool on the bus so he's just like he has an african queen like not to get followed yeah yeah yeah like yeah honey i'll be there soon he's like i'm taking the bus i hope no one rapes me yeah just tell you know i have a strong newbie and princess waiting at home with a spear yeah

she's black okay don't fuck with me that's insane yeah well i don't know why when i hear So this is, whatever. It's been brought up with a podcast. There's one guy when Joe Rogan got in trouble for using the N-word, there was this white guy who talked really black, and he was like... Matt Rife? No.

No, no, no. But he's like, Joe Rogan got caught... Tate Winston. No. No, he's like, Joe Rogan got caught using the N-word, and that shit ain't cool at all. And he goes, so, uh, you know who Joe Roga would be hanging out with all these white comics also using the N-word?

And he's, like, pulling up all... Because, like, every comic has said the N-word, like, especially from 2000 to, like... Like famous, even you, Gigi. Like, every famous comic in the 2000s had like a joke where they would say the N word. Or like in a movie or on a podcast. Because it was more less taboo. Yeah, whatever.

I'm in several movies from early 2000. Yeah, I only apply for. I'm the classmate in Home Alone. I will say this. There is a video for me out there soft-a-ing it. Okay. And it haunts me every morning of my life. My black friend was like, we were at the beach one time.

My black friend's like, just say it. He's like, say it with heart. And there's a video of me just with the worst shit-eating grin on my face. And I'm just like, this is like maybe the most painful. Because it doesn't even look cool because he's like, he's like, you're not saying it comfortably enough. And he's behind the camera so you can't really tell.

Like he's his hand for like a second. You're on the beach too. So people are like, there's no way. Yeah. Dude, it haunts me daily. I'm just like, fuck. Daily and nightly, for.

That's so scary, dude. Yeah. But, Not unless I own it But either way He starts going He's going through like Bill Burr And like Tom Sigour

He's like Tom Sigura Comedy Central half hour Saying the AN word And he's a wife The ANWR And then Mrs. Pat is doing a podcast With Tom Sigur Mrs. Pat saying the Ian Wur

Mrs. Pat's doing the podcast With Tom Segura And he's like yeah no I don't say the M word And he's like And he paused and goes You say to ANWR And you're comedy Central half hour But you said you never say it

when you're sitting there with a beautiful black queen. He's just a white guy. It's the funniest thing. It's probably the same guy. Yeah, I love just being like, beautiful black queen. I once had a guy ask me to call him the N-word.

In bed. That must be a thing. Yeah, it's really common. It's a big black dick a lot in porn with women saying that. And I was like, stop saying black.

Well, I told him I wouldn't say the actual word, but I would say the N-word. I would call him the N-word. Give me that N-word dick. And give me that N-word dick. Give me that N word. N word. Yeah.

That's crazy. Was he like, please don't. No, he was like into it. Yeah. It was a healthy compromise. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. There was, I think there was one more thing that was forgot. He said it'd be one fifth of the word or one sixth. I think there was. Six letters. One thing I was just, it was really important for me to bring up. You were talking about the bus.

What were you saying before the bus? Beautiful black queen. Long Island guy. Oh, wrong place. Oh, this is something. Okay. Okay. So my fucking, uh, I just want to end.

on this. Christmas we go to this Turkish restaurant because Santa Claus, as you would never know. But anyway, Santa Claus was Turkish. What? He's German. St. Nicholas was Turkish. Okay. He's, no, he's Norwegian.

I thought he was, yeah, not Turkish. Can you look it up right now? I'll look it up right now. Maybe my family is just full of retards. Yeah, I'm pretty true. Not true. I don't think that's true. Look up, is St. Nicholas.

I think he's from Norway, right? Or like somewhere. Crapass is. I thought it was Germany. St. Okay, well, hold on, there is a St. Nicholas from Turkey, but that doesn't mean he's the St. Nicholas. Well, there's a St. Nicholas from Jersey, too, but it doesn't mean he's Santa. Look up is St. Nicholas Turkish, just so it benefits my...

No, I mean, as you look up to St. Nicholas, the first thing that comes up is this guy from Turkey. Yeah. But hold on, St. Nicholas, Santa. Same guy comes up. Wow. Yeah, he's Turkish, yeah. The original Santa, Asia Minor, Modern Day, Turkey during the 4th century. Wow, okay.

Yeah. All right. So what's... Oh, Michael. You never think of this, bro. What's your big story? So every Christmas Eve, we go to a Turkish restaurant. Right.

And I had to leave because I had to pee and the bathrooms are full. And the guy at the Turkish restaurant was like, oh, you should go to the train station across the street. And I was like, yeah, maybe I will go to the train station. And instead, I just walked back to my parents' house. I smoked a bunch of pot. While I was gone, my sister told my whole family that I'm bisexual, which is not true. She just thought it would be funny to tell them I was bisexual. And I just come to the house and I'm hot.

They come to house and I'm high and they start being like... Oh, dick. Yeah. Yeah, I was come drunk, dude. I was just like, hey. No, I was like fucking, like my mom starts going like, she's like, okay, so they're like sitting around me. They're like, okay, so we were talking about like, you're, are you gay?

And I'm just so high and I'm like, what? And then my mom was like, see, I was standing up for you. And I'm like, wait, you were standing up for me. I was like, what was this discussion going on? dad's like if you're gay, it's like cool and stuff like that. And I'm just so high having this conversation. They're like, I don't know, you like left for the train station and stuff like that. I was like, you guys thought I on Christmas Eve was having anonymous gay sex at a train station?

I'm like, this is insane. I don't know. What does this have to do with the St. Nick being Turkish? I don't know. I just thought it was a funny story. I also told the story and I was like waiting for you guys to be like, yeah, no, I thought it was funnier than, yeah. That is funny. I just was wondering where the Turkish connection came in.

It's just funny. Also, your mom was like, they asked if you were gay, so they'd already made the logical leap, like, well, he's not ready to tell us he's gay. And then she was like... So the sister has broken the news with Bai

as a kind of test, you know, prodding. I don't think they wouldn't believe that was gay. Well, sounds like they did. No, they think I'm bi, but they wouldn't think I was gay. They were worried you were getting. Yeah, yeah. You're just, you're just out there getting pussy, right?

Just a little bit? Yeah, your dad's cock, Mike. But, no, we're over an hour, guys. That was so much fucking fun. I had a great time. We doing it? Wow, abrupt wrap up. Yeah, sorry, I would just, you know.

It's okay, man. You're a squirily, coky guy. I am, dude. I mean, I also like you've had two energy drinks because I'm trying to... You try to... Do you Celsius? No, instead, I, like, had to get coins. This was after...

I don't have to... It's... I had coffee and then a red bowl, but... Okay, okay. Yeah. What would you like to promote? You can check out my podcast, Overshadowed, about the siblings and spouses of people who changed history. You guys are both welcome to do it if ever you'd want to.

That was fun. Or any historical topic. I have a really rich sibling. Really? Yeah. She's fucking killing it. You can talk about her. She's really jealous of her sister.

Oh, my gosh. What does she do? She's the personal assistant to a billionaire. Whoa. So she is, she blows a billionaire. Cool. She doesn't. She's human furniture for a billion.

She doesn't. I swear to God, she's a real job. fucking crazy. We just rewatched Bruno. Do you guys remember the human furniture scene

with Paul? Paula Abdul? Is it American Idol? It's the American Idol judge. Is that Anderson? Yeah, that's

Paula Abdul. Yeah, yeah. They have her sit down on these on Mexican dudes. On Mexican dudes. It's like, and she does it.

He's like, so how does helping you, how does helping people like, what does that mean for you? And she's like, well, it's just really important. And then the publicist is like, we got to get out of here. We got to get.

She's like, this is bad for me. But she sits on them for like 10 seconds and starts answering the question. That's amazing. It's clearly uncomfortable, but is, you know, trying to make it work.

Yeah. Yeah. Which I have more power to her. Yeah, honestly, good for her. Trying to make Bruno feel comfortable. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

What if it's just his culture? What if he's paying all these men very well? Just be furniture. Yeah. What if they volunteered? Yeah. What if they're like, like a Mr. Beast thing?

Like first guy that gives up, or last guy that gives up gets a million bucks. Yeah. Most people would look at a Hispanic man and say he's definitely not furniture. And I say, you know what, I'm going to let that be his decision. Right. Exactly. Yeah. I don't like to see people one way or another. Yeah, we're assigned furniture at birth, but that's just a role we play.

We're assigned people at birth, I guess. That's just a role we play. But yeah, definitely follow Gigi's sister on Instagram. Oh, yeah, Zach Russell. Yes. Zach Russell comedy. And then. Gigi comedy. There we go. Oh, that's a good. Oh, you got just. We're married. So we have the same last name.

Are there no other Gigi's in comedy? I don't think so. That's awesome. There's another Michael Good in comedy. I'm doing a show with them at the end of the month. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. We'll see. You guys got beat?

Who's the best? Oh, God, I'm going to be... Who's the Michael best? I'm going to be eight-mile in the bathroom before that. But, no, thank you guys so much for listening. Bye.