Morning Good - Paxton Might Have Kidnapped Somebody - Episode 1

Episode Date: August 31, 2020

Find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax

Yeah, it's going to be called Morning Good. Shut the fuck up. That's a great idea. Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? Really? How you know who?

That sounds fucking awful. Yeah, I'm really excited about it. I think I'm going to call it Morning Good. Fuck that. That's terrible. Welcome to Morning. What's going out this week? Yeah, we can just look at all the things that are on my desktop.

That's good. Exploited college girls? That's not. It's not on there, bro. That's not, it's not. Well, even if it was something like that, it wouldn't be that one in particular. No?

It's not. Exploited moms? Exploited makes it sound so scary. I don't know. It sounds intense. It doesn't sound fun. Yeah, that's not what I'm going for. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't want to be associated with that word. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to think Paxson and think exploitation. Yeah, especially like in the arch, like music. Yeah, it's not a good. Exploitative. Yeah. That doesn't sound good.

I saw, have you seen Jojo Rabbit? No. Oh, yeah. Wait, Jojo? No. Are you talking about, I'm getting confused with Roger Rabbit?

Yeah, those are weight. One of them is about Hitler being imaginary friend of the kid. Oh, no. I don't know. I just couldn't get past the, I saw like one commercial. And I know it's probably like pretty anti-Hitler, but it's just I saw the other thing.

Yeah, my big problem was that they paid the Nazis as like the bad guys. And, you know, there's no nuance in the film. Yeah. No, I saw... Everybody knows it was about state's rights. That's what World War II. I'm kidding. I saw Hitler, like, jumping around and...

Being silly. Being silly, and I was like, I don't really get this movie, and I'm probably not going to get into it. That's got to be a hard pitch. Like, I know it's obviously like the guy was Jewish who made it. Yeah. And the one who played Hitler is Jewish, too. But that's got to be...

But it felt a little powerful. Yeah, and they're pitching the Jews. Yeah, yeah. Everyone in the room is Jewish talking about making the movie. Yeah. So how racist is it? Yeah. Well, the one thing, though, is I think there is an advantage to it.

Because I was thinking about, I think the best one was, do you ever see Little Nicky? Oh, yeah. Where they have Hitler dressed up as a maid and the devil's shoving the pineapple in his ass? That was a part of that movie, yes. Yeah, yeah. I think that's great. And then I was making an Osama bin Laden meme the other day. I'm like, this is so great because there's no way these people thought that they were just going to be meat.

Like, you know what I mean? They were going to get just, they thought they were going to, like, rule the war. They thought, yeah, they thought everyone was going to love them. I mean, you know. Yeah. Well, people did. People were into it. Yeah, yeah.

Like, you know how there's, you know, there's Trump supporters and there's people that love Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. There were people that loved every one of those kind of guys. They're still around. A lot of them are definitely still around. You think there's big. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that is a good thing. You know what I mean?

I mean, well, they're probably dead now, but, you know, there's some 80, 90-year-olds in Venezuela right now. They're like, you know, he's great. He gave me a job. Yeah, that's the economy. Yeah, yeah, that's gotta be. Well, that's like, I'm not speaking for them. Yeah. Dude, that was the best.

There's like some, you also show a review with Andy Daly? No. Oh, yeah, yeah. He, like, reviews different things. One of them is he has to be racist for an episode. And he goes to like a, like a, what's it called? What do you call those? He's like, he's like, ah, this is it going to be so hard.

Oh. Well, it's like a stage. show, but he goes to like a sensitivity training thing, and it's obviously like full of racist people. Right. And then he meets this, like, neo-Nazi. And he goes to his house, and he's like, they're trying to take my guns away. It's like, Obama wants to take your guns away. It's like, or no, it's something.

He's like, Hitler, that's how Hitler got started. He's like, yeah, but you like Hitler. I see all these posters. He's like, yeah, before you started with all the Obama stuff. Yeah. Yeah, there must have been a hilarious episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go home and watch it.

Okay, so there was this episode of Family Guy once? Yeah, it just gone. So Peter, it doesn't work out at the beginning, but then what happens is he does that. Dude, I don't know, man. Did you, um, fuck what was this? I just want to talk about, I don't think I really talked about,

I probably talked about a little bit, how one of our friends since high school who always invited me over, and you'd always be like, dude, we can totally have a party in my house. It's totally cool with my mom, and his mom would yell at us. And this hasn't changed.

Yeah, see, that's the thing. that's no longer a problem for me. That doesn't come up. I don't ever find myself in a situation where I'm like, oh, I want to, you know, I want to see somebody, but I don't know what time my mom's going to get home. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's also like, just don't do shit at your house because he's like,

he gets us so high. Or your mom's house. Yeah, he gets it so high, he's like totally cool and go hang out of my mom's house. Or he says my house, but what he means is his mom's house. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The older you get, the more your house should meet your house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And your parents' house should be your parents' house. Parents aren't divorced, but I keep calling it my mom's house. Yeah, yeah. It's so weird. People like, I feel like I'm making everybody else. It's because everyone you know has divorced parents. Yeah, yeah, so it's weird for me to see my mom and dad's house.

I can't say my house at this point. You know, it doesn't feel right saying my house. Yeah, because it's not. They don't, you're not there right now. Yeah, exactly. They don't want you there. Yeah, but anyways, he just got us so high and we're watching ancient aliens, having so much fun.

And it was one of those things where he's like, too, he's like, come on, get more high, get more high, get more high. And so you're just like, let's get really high. and then his mom comes home and he just looks over me he's like, dude, we got to get the fuck out of here. He's like, we got to make a run for it. And I'm like, dude, I'm not going to run right now. And he's like, do you get your shoes right now? We got to get out of here right now.

I just walked out and left. He did have this look when I was leaving, though, that was like, why are you leaving me? And I'm like, dude, I'm just not going to get an argument with your mom right now. Yeah, see, that's what I'm saying. Like, that's the type of thing. I don't remember the last time I've had an experience like that.

And I think that's a good thing. Yeah, yeah. I think the farther you are away from. Well, I got high and saw my mom go out. Even though she doesn't care if I smoked pot, but it was still uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah.

It's the same. I got high and saw my grandma for like a second. And I was like, I just got to go. Yeah. You know, I'm like, she's like, I love you. I'm like, I love you too. Yeah, I got to get out of your. Well, nothing tops her one friend who would have his grandma at her house.

And he would get us really high. And then we would forget. No. Wait, no. Who is this? Who, who, do you don't say names? Wait, you have a friend? No, I'm making this up, but it's the same guy you're talking about.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm making it up, but, you know, hypothetically. We're looking to shave her head. Hypothetically, we'd go over there and bully her. That's way funny. What it actually was. Dude, we're going to pretend her dead husband is back from war. No, we're walking the room and she'd be fucking screaming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and we'd just be so high at, like, 14, it'd be terrifying. Yeah. Yeah. And she's still alive, too, apparently, doing great. I love those old stories. I mean, that's my favorite thing. It's just the fact that I tell stories all the time, and I'm sure this happens to some people, other people,

but I tell stories all the time to my girlfriend expecting her to think they're as funny as I think they are, and she gets so, like, upset and mad at me and thinks I'm a terrible person, and it makes me, like, go back and rethink them a little bit, and I still think they're funny. Yeah, well, you got to find, I think what you got to do. But.

And there's a big butt. She just, you know, and obviously it's like, it's like you're going to have more of a harsher judgment when it's not you. And if you did it, you think it's funny. But then I'm not saying I did a lot of bad things. But it's like, you know. I think just the beach gets the worst in people. Yeah. I mean, we threw a friend down the stairs.

Yeah, exactly. No, we got, we talked about this with her. and you told the story where you, I wasn't there because I, you know, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, you're not invited. You're not somebody, you, through somebody, is how I, not exactly. You, threw, do you took somebody in, our friend has passed down. We put him in one of those lawn chairs, or the, like, the one, the layback beach chairs, and we, we dropped him down the stairs. We thought it'd be funny if we'd bring him out to the sand, but we kind of just, yeah, one of the friends let go. See, that's what's funny. I thought that was hilarious. And I remember that. I remember fondly hearing that story, being upset that I wasn't there.

And, you know. I was the one that got thrown down the stairs. That's funny when somebody has it, when, you know, you have a friend that's like, yeah, man, that was the, that was the worst night of my life. I got arrested. Everything changed after that. I went to rehab. And, you know, I had to sober up and, you know, spend more time with my son. And you're, you know, who has a son?

And you're like, I know. I know a couple people with kids. But, yeah. And you're like, oh, yeah, I remember that night. That was a boy. Yeah, it's so much fun. You're like, yeah, oh, I remember that. Oh, I remember.

I wasn't invited. And I was so mad. Everyone else had so much fun. Yeah. That was like the rock bottom night. Yeah. And we were talking about another story with her, and she was, she didn't think it was funny at all.

And it was. Wait, start from the story. So, you Right Somebody was being creepy To somebody's sister Not even

So what happened was You kidnap somebody We'll just frame it with that So the listeners are interested I don't know if I personally did And I might be remembering this wrong Because I don't know if we kidnapped I don't know if we put them in the trunk

Is what I don't remember Because I remember we got We were at New Somer Beach, Florida Which is one of the greatest places on earth And anybody Anybody that knows should know to go to Newsemer and Beach just at any point.

Don't bring a lot of money now. You can drink and drive. You can drink and drive. I encourage it strongly. No, people, you'll get pulled over. The cough will be like, are you drunk? And you say yes.

And he goes, so am I. And that you're good to you. And that's it. But somebody was saying, we were young at the time, and our friend had an older sister that was said that there was this guy here.

And he's making me feel really uncomfortable and I think he's he's doing he's being weird he's being creepy and uh we were drinking a lot and uh she told us that and we thought that that was a call to action

to like come and kick this guy's ass that's what we were going to do we're going to go over there kick this guy's ass everyone that was with me was a lot bigger than me so it was really exciting it was like yeah let's go fucking kick this guy's ass and um and and we get there

and we don't ask questions I think I punch him in the face. Before asking. So it could have been the wrong guy. And this is the part of the story that's tricky to me because I'm not, I'm not sure if we threw him in the trunk or if it was like, I remember the story being. And you know, you always remember like a story of a story. That's why things are so weird. We were trying to remember it like 10 years back or whatever.

But we put him in the trunk. And so the story went. And then we drove him around or whatever. and, you know, we open up the trunk. You heard this guy was being creepy. Yeah, yeah. And we were like, we thought we saved the day. We were so excited.

Vigilante justice, which I encourage. And this is her fault that. Nobody corrected us and said that. She didn't say like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. So wait, so you saw you punch him in the face and she's just like, get him. Yeah, yeah, get him out of here. Basically. And so we were like, she wasn't like, oh, no, don't do that.

So we get him out of the trunk. And this guy is crying. Crying has no idea where he is. He's absolutely hammered. And he's so. not an intimidating person at all. You know what I mean? I'm not saying me or you or, you know, anybody else is, you know, especially intimidating.

If you're less intimidating than me, then you're a fucking pussy. Right, exactly. I'm not scary. Right, exactly. So you're a pussy. This guy's a pussy. You know what I mean? And that's fine.

I'm not saying any value judgment on him. But it was not the situation we thought we were walking into. At what point did you realize when we... The second you open the trunk and you're like... No, no, no, it wasn't the second... Because we were in the car. we had his bag and we were looking through his stuff. You're like fake tears.

And he had a journal. And this is, I told this story. Because I was telling my girlfriend, she loves to, she loves the journal and write down stuff and helps her remember things. She tells me I should journal all the time. And I will never, because we opened this guy's bag and he had a journal.

He had like a diary. And we were looking through it. And it was like just the fucking dumbest shit. It was like bucket list. Like high school bucket list. what he titled this page. And getting kidnapped was not on there? No, no, no.

It was things that were so easy to do. It just hadn't been done yet. And he was like 18 years old. And it was like, do mushrooms. You guys were like 16. We were younger than him. It was like do mushrooms and like throw a party. And it was like have like this many friends.

And then which is part of it. I think that was the gist of it. You know, but the two things that I remember were do mushrooms, which is, do mushrooms I don't know and then throw a party and I'm like if you want to do it

do it like you know what I mean did you guys help him cross off the buggy list after that because the misunderstanding you guys just like went around with him you're like okay

we are kidding that would be a great end of the story yeah he became good friends and then we went around no the end of the stories we pulled him out of the trunk and I felt like a dick

and he was so upset and like crying and was really drunk and we had to like drive him home or wherever he was staying and uh do you think wakewickwicker Do you think the next day in his journal he wrote that he got kidnapped?

He's like, funny stuff. He had to. I don't think he even remembered it, which is so fucked up. You know what is cool, though? He all of a sudden has a better story than me because I've never been kidnapped. Yeah, I don't think he knows he's been kidnapped. He didn't think he thought it was a... I think if you asked him the story, I think he'd remember like, oh, I was punched in the face because he'd wake up, you know, with whatever on his face.

But I don't think he knows he was kidnapped to this day. Yeah, he was hammered. We should not have been in that situation. He was not a danger to anybody. There are lots of moments, though, where you think you're going to be the hero. And that's not, yeah. And then you're the asshole. It's everybody has that dream when they're 12 where they fucking beat up everybody and saved the day.

You know what I mean? I think that's why you have people just do horrible things under like the vigilante justice. Yeah, well, they're fucking shoot a guy jogging. Yeah, and they're like, yeah, well, I'm going to be the hero. Same energy. Yeah, no, exactly. And I fucking, the worst is I had one, I was out of a bar in Tallahassee. I saw this girl getting choked by this guy and I was like, here's my, because everybody gets a little bonner.

I mean, you're like, dude, I'm gonna... You get a boner from somebody being... No, no, not for you're being... No, you get a boner from the idea that you... Yeah, you're like, too, everybody's... The bartender's gonna be like, hey, shots for this guy all fucking night. It's gonna be cool. And then everybody's gonna be like, dude, hell yeah, Michael, you totally kicked that guy's ass.

That's what I thought was happening in my head. So I go up to the girl getting choked. And I'm like, uh... I'm like, yo, dude, do you have a fucking problem here? And the girl looks at me and she goes, this is my boyfriend. She goes, this is what we like to do in public. Like, I was the asshole. And then she starts making out with him while he's choking her.

And then I was like, okay. To be honest, though, they're pretty fucked up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, right? They definitely, I mean, he's like, maybe in that situation, it's okay, but that's not, they don't have a good relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or maybe they have a great one. He might be also beating her. Yeah, that's true.

Who knows what's actually happening in there? Maybe I did. That would be unfortunate. But the fact that she just made me feel like an asshole. She's like, what are you doing? She said, this is my fucking boyfriend. She's like, get out of here. get lost. Nobody wants to get choked by you.

Yeah. Also, what's the, what's the, what's, like, what you thought was happening? Was it like a, like, a Darth Vader, like, in the middle, like, er, or was it, like, a rear-necked choke? He just got her in a headlock. Because that changes it, you know what I mean? I think it was, like, one of those, like, he had, like, both of her hands, which you don't normally have, like, chow. I guess some people, yeah, you could do both hands. I don't know.

I think normally you need a hand for support, but they weren't have. having sex. That's why I think if they were having sex, he was standing up, so you don't really need the... Yeah, yeah, so he had like, I think he had both of her hands, and it looked like he was really squeezing her. She probably was. That's strange. Tallahassee is such a fucking weird place, man. Yeah.

It really is disgusting. Yeah, I feel like, once you're 25, you've got to get out of there. Oh, God, yeah, the people that, uh, the people that, the people that stick around or whatever go to grad school is one thing, but the people that stick around, just the bartend, that's, you know, that's, you know, that's, that's, That's the... But in some ways, it's kind of dope, though,

because some of the guys are just like... You just want to be that. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, okay. There are some cool, like, situations where somebody's, like, 28, and he knows everybody in town. But then there's, like, the guy who, like, is not allowed at the party,

and nobody likes, but he's still at that age. Right. If you're at that age and you know everybody in town, then it's cool. Either way, the fact of there... Yeah. It's kind of cool. Yeah.

But if you're just that random guy, it's kind of like, eh? Yeah. They're, like, borderline sexual predators. Probably. Probably. I mean, they're not. I'm not saying they are, but it's just, you know, after a while you're just picking off people that have no idea where they are.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good point. They got dark. It sounded worse. Yeah, that sounds worse coming up. My thing is, you know there's something I learned about sexual predators the other day, though. Oh, something you learned about sexual predators. Let's find out. So, you know how there's lots of bald sexual predators?

Like, if you'd like look at mugshots, like, oh, it's like a... I didn't know that, but I could see that. Like, there's lots of, like, you know, like, people think of, like, I think some people can rock. But they're usually not hot guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's this thing where when you, when apparently balding is like from a release of too much testosterone in your body. So that people, like the stuff they give you to stop balding. Are you spinning this in their favor?

I swear to God. The things they give you to stop balding apparently like ruin your sex drive. Oh, shit. So they're starting to think that like that's why bald guys are hornier. Oh. I don't know how that choice. Therefore, Louis C.K. is innocent. I'm sorry.

Well, yeah, he's not guilty of a crime, but, you know, after the last special, I'm like, I'm pretty sure he's capable of much more. That was a rowdy special. Hey, you didn't pay for it, so you did nothing wrong. I paid for it with my own. Yeah, you supported him. No, I'm not, I'm not, you know, I love, dude, Louis is one of my favorite shows ever. I still wear only black t-shirts most of the time. Oh, I still wear Louis CK. T-shirts out of public.

There's the one scene where he loses all of his luggage in an airport, and he's like, oh my God, I'm so mad. I lost all my luggage. And then he's like in the town. I mean, he didn't say that. It's better. It's a verbal writing. I just lost all of my luggage as you just saw.

All of my luggage is in shirts. Oh, I'm angry. No, he goes to all black shirts. Yeah, no, yeah, exactly. He goes to a store, and he's like, you know, pissed off, whatever. He buys, like, two pairs of jeans, like, underwear and, like, five black shirts. And then he, that's it. He's good for a week.

And I was like, my mind was blown. I'm like, that's the way. You'd be swagging out? No, but you just, a black shirt. It's Steve Jobs, professional. You know what I mean? It could be, it's a professional t-shirt. If it's all black, if it has anything else on it,

I wish I was wearing one right now and not a fucking sorority tank top, like an asshole. But all-black t-shirt, you're lounging, you're partying, you're just hanging out, you're at a high-stakes boardroom meeting. You know what I mean? I don't think there's people in black t-shirts. No, no, no, no.

It's not really professional, but the sweater is professional. But it's just the fact that it's... The turtleneck? It's more professional than any other t-shirt. Yeah, but that doesn't say a lot. It's more professional than like a I party with drunk sluts shirt. Dude, that's my favorite thing.

There's this kid at our high school. He would wear like a nice shirt in class, and the hallways he'd take his t-shirt off, and under it, he had a tank top. It said, I party with drunk sluts. And then walk around the hallway and then put the other shirt back. Yeah, and then just go into class. Because, like, only teachers will give you dress coat.

Nobody would give it to you. So he would just have this I party the drunk slut shirt. He would just, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, you know, put his fucking shirt back on and go into class. And then it weirdly looked like he's wearing a tank top under a fucking t-shirt. It would be funny if it was like a white t-shirt, so it clearly still said, I party the trunk sluts. Like, under it.

They're like, no, he's, everybody. know he's just in special ed and they didn't want to say anything they're like this is we don't be dicks they're like uh you know you're i'm just glad you can fucking read yeah i'm glad he's excited about something and he's got a shirt yeah well that's the thing is like yeah there was so much that i remember my favorite was this girl she wore this like she really wore like a raved like people would just wear things the first day at school that they knew they were going to get rid of for oh yeah it's gonna look sick when i

walk in the door and everybody could see my under this girl you could really see her underboop yeah like you could see her underboop yeah like you could see like she, it was like a rave. It's funny because as an adult, you know what I mean? I saw a 15 year old wearing that. No, well, yeah, you forget that she's, but I'm saying it's like, you're like, she's wearing an under roof. You forget that there were rules of what

you could wear back. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, that doesn't see. But I also feel like a restaurant over there, though, if you had like under, because underboob, like means like you could see overboop ant, so it's only basically covered her nipples. Right. I feel like even a restaurant, I don't know if you could. I'm just, I'm just staring at your toes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's figure it out.

It's like, you hear you can see it. and then the rest. Yeah, it sounds pretty hot, bro. That's fucking sick. Yeah, I don't know. What do you think about the UFO shit, the Tom DeLong? Did we talk about this?

I don't give a fuck, yeah, we did. We already did? I don't get a fuck. Yeah, we did. What did the whole podcast is me trying to say cool stuff? And you're saying, I don't fucking care. No, it's the fact that, it's the fact that I, I'm sure there's aliens out there. I just can't.

I can't care right now, and that's hard because I was so excited about Bob Lazar on Joe Rogan. And then the documentary, I watched it, and I was so fucking let down that I just, I'm done with aliens. Yeah, yeah. I told you, I get that too, because we're kind of like, I don't know. I'm like, I can't. So, it doesn't change as much as I thought it would. Yeah. Because it seems pretty, it seems pretty like there's as much evidence as there will ever be.

and it hasn't changed a thing. Yeah. Yeah. I'm kind of the same way where, like, I thought it was really cool and exciting, but then I was like, I don't know. I don't think our kids are probably fucked, but I think we're going to be fine.

Like, you know, an alien invasion. There's no alien invasion coming anytime soon. It's not going to happen. Yeah. And if it did happen, it would be happening right now, and it would not be, you know, the way we see it. It would be like, we all just die.

Or why wouldn't they have fucking done it when we were like, what's it called? They should have done it when we weren't as advanced. Now, you don't know, I mean, you know, if they can get here, we're not that. Yeah, that's true. It's probably nothing to them. My favorite thing is my buddy had this one theory. He's like, what if when they go into hyper speed, they just go brain dead and that's why they keep crashing?

He's like, what if there's something where they can't handle and that's why they keep just like. That's honestly wouldn't be a bad because if you're going super fast and then you go in this little tiny, I mean, you think about how big the earth is. You think UFOs are this big? No. No, you go how big the earth is. And then you have this little, like, sliver at the fucking top of that's, like, the atmosphere. It's, like, you know, this thick if the Earth is this big. It's nothing.

So you have this tiny little space where you're supposed to... I'm spinning it to their credit. I'm like that there. I don't know. And the weird thing is what Bob Luzar apparently told Joe Rogan, because he said that, like, after the podcast, Bob Lava Zara said that, like, the aliens took their DNA and injected into a certain monkey, and that's what it made us. See, that's the thing that... They all search off the ears.

I don't know if Joe Rogen was just saying that. That's the thing that makes me not like him anymore. You know what I mean? Why? Well, I don't know. What the fuck do I know? That could be true. But at that point, it's like, oh, some of the other things you said might be a little wacky too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Makes you like rethink. You're like, okay. It's like people that get into like certain political figures or public speakers or intellectuals or whatever. And they're like, yeah, no, this guy's great. I love. And then they start saying. some racist stuff and they're like well I don't

you know I don't agree with everything he says I think he's yeah but then you started like look further and like okay this guy's like no that's his whole point yeah yeah it's well that's also like people he thought were like super cool they were like older and then oh in retrospect oh when you were younger

and then in retrospect yeah yeah this guy doesn't change the fact that he was an 18 year old banging 14 year olds right yeah that's we're 14 and that guy's cool some of them were like fuck that guy no I knew at the time I remember, well, I remember being, like, 14 or 15 and being, like, talking to some girl, like, hanging out with some girl. We're, like, walking down the street or whatever. And she's like, yeah, I just, I got to go.

I'm getting picked up. And it's like, oh, what's going? By your mom? Yeah, right. Yeah, I know. By Derek. Yeah. He's like, yeah, he's 26 and he works at Cheesecake Factory.

Right. You're like, what? Well, it's always, the girls that worked when they were, like, 17. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, they all. Because it was like, yeah, he's my friend from work. It's like, that could be anybody.

Yeah. You know, I mean, that could be, especially if they're like a hostess. Oh, yeah, yeah. And somebody works as a... That movie waiting is just so accurate about, like... Oh, yeah, yeah, totally is. I love that movie. That's such a good movie.

It's great. Not that part of it. Yeah, dude, I love one that's fucking banging underage girls. Yeah. But, well, it was weird because in my place that I worked, there was a dude who was like 17 and he was banging some girl that was like almost 30. And I don't think that's bad. I know.

I don't know why I can't round my head around it. Because I think I just think of how horny I was when I was 17. I was like, what are you going to? You think you're going to psychologically mess me up? I'm like, no. I've been fucking everything in my room. Yeah, you were a pretty fucked up kid. Yeah.

Dude, I had sex with a globe. You think you're going to mess me up? No. If anything, you're going to need to see a therapist after this, you 30-year-old. I don't know if it's that bad. Yeah. I could be wrong. Yeah, well, because you don't know what your psychology could be like after that.

Right. You could be a little fucked in the head after that. I'm sure some people are. I'm sure they're emotionally damaged. Why no guy who fucked his teacher? And he seems pretty cool now. Dude, I know a girl that fucked her teacher, and she's not doing good. Really?

No, she's doing fine. That's a joke. But I do know a girl that she was like, yeah. She's in a wheelchair now. I'm like, what? She got hit by that car. She was asked me, like, who's the oldest person? Like, she, you know, whatever.

We weren't even talking or whatever. She's like, who's the oldest person you hooked up with? And I was like, like, I told her, I'm not even going to say it now because I don't want to. But she told me hers. And I was like, so what was this? What was the story behind that? Because we were not that old. So I was like, and she was like, oh, yeah, it was my teacher.

But he was cool. He was like young. He was like 32. And I was like, yeah, that's not cool. That's younger than old, but it's older than young, for sure. I'm like, I'm not placing judgment on you. No, yeah, yeah. But I'm placing a little bit of judgment on him.

On him. Well, the funny thing, too, is like, when the girls are like, part of the always makes me laugh is the girls are like I'm just like really mature for my age I'm like yeah I'm sure that a 32 year old who's thrown his dick into a 16 year old is like he's so fucking smart dude I'm like that might work to your disadvantage

yeah yeah yeah I mean for them not for me I mean I don't care yeah I like how half this podcast is best explain if you don't want to fuck kids everything that's how it always works like you say something you're like just to clarify I do like black people or like you don't know me Whoa, I mean, I think that's assumed. Yeah, exactly.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's me again. I'm like, just to clarify, I don't fucking know this guy. I don't know what the fuck is. We just do a podcast and just let him over here. It's not a podcast. Let's see, it's a podcast. Yeah, it's.

Man, I want to get back, I want to go to New Smyrna again. I don't know. I was there this weekend doing that comedy show. They disinfected the microphone, which made me feel a little better, but not really. No, you have the coronavirus. You went to a fucking... Dude, the one thing that was the whole audience...

Comedy show. You did a comedy show at somebody's house and they live streamed it. That's bad. They didn't... That's objectively bad. You did bad social distancing.

Dr. Fauci would be fucking ashamed of you. The Sanis is disappointed in you. DeSantis... No, he's supportive. He's supportive. Yeah. Like, did you make money? You're like, no.

He's like, I'm disappointed. Yeah, I know. That's the funny thing, too, is because the whole audience was people that were like older. It's like old people, I don't know, most old people I know don't give a fuck. Old people at New Somerana Beach don't give a fuck.

Old people in that county don't give a fuck. No, yeah. People go, my friend went out. Dude, the coronavirus is like the least dangerous thing in New Somerna Beach right now. The locals are the most. Drunk drivers, yeah, exactly. That's that one city where like,

I feel like a lot of times, it's like a nice, there's nice beach towns, you're like, oh, they probably get so fed up with these drunk kids, but it's like, New Somerna, it's like, we were like the safest people there. Yeah, yeah, be like, oh, I'm so fed up with these fucking people that live here

that are 70 years old and hot dogs on the beach because they'll do something reckless. It's funny because we'll go there and we'll eat tequitos all week and just come there with $5. Just destroy your body. Yeah. And then we're like, the people that live here have been doing this for 40 years. Yeah, that's some of my fondest memories.

We're just not eating enough at the beach. Yeah. And they're just getting so. Just fucking having like ever clear and like looking at my bank account and being like $3. And then we lived like, hardcore drug addicts because we're like dude i had no money in my account right now you're like how am i gonna get fucked up right now because like but it wasn't like i need to get but it's like everybody

rounds you're just getting drunk you're like how am i going to swing this i'd be like okay so i have like a couple grams of molly and some weed so maybe i could trade that for a same it's like a music festival but there's there's no point to it it's just happening to you there's nothing you can do about it but leave but you can't leave because you don't have enough money to get gas to drive on and sell drugs to get gas money to leave. It's so funny, though, because, like, now I borrow, I borrow more money for my parents now than I did in high school. Yeah, that's because you don't have a real job.

Yeah, that's true. Well, you're unemployed right now. Yeah, that's not coming in as fast as I thought. Oh, the unemployment? Oh, did you apply for it? Some of it came through, not all that. Did you really? You got unemployment?

Yeah. How much money? 600 bucks? So you have 600 bucks? Yeah. I'm like, so I know you have 600 bucks right now. Cool, good and no. I'm fucking broke.

Yeah. But I also want to... You want to get some drinks, man? Let's get some more beers, man. I'll be down for some shots. But... I was kidding. Yeah, totally.

Me too. No, I wasn't. But what I'm saying? I do also want to end up as one of those old New Somerner guys at some... No, that's ideal. Yeah.

I'm starting to gain it, though, because I'm starting to just have this, like, spot on my leg that just bleeds. It's melanoma. Yeah. It's just up dancing. Starting a cancer. I'm getting a little bit of skin cancer.

It's cool. I'm almost there. But like I want that like just leathery skin. Dude, that's like my grandpa. He's always bleeding from somewhere. And the band-aid just isn't working. Like he's just an old guy with like, you know, lots of rings.

And then he's got like a band-aid. But he's still bleeding out of the band-it. It's the same. It looks like he hasn't changed band-ed. Yeah, but then you got that like yellow look in your eyes. How old is your grandpa? Anywhere between 70 and 90. 200?

Yeah, I don't know. He's like between. Between 65 and 110. I have no idea. 70 and 90 is still a big range. Yeah, I think he's like 87, maybe. Maybe. Yeah, that's close, like closer to 90.

I say close to the end. Why? Yeah. I mean, my grandma's 70, and she's still pretty young looking. I'd say so. Again, that came out a little worse than I wanted it to be. But she doesn't look like she's about to die. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So when that's 90, always looks like they're about to die. Yeah, but then there's always... Even if they're healthy. They still, you know, they're getting close. You know what I love, though. I know this coronavirus, everybody's dying this year, but... Jerry Stiller. Yeah, yeah.

My favorite thing is they had... Okay, not my favorite. But they have a star by his birthday, and then they have a cross by his death day. And I'm like, he's Jewish. I don't know if it took that... Wait, did he convert to Christianity? No, no, but it's just like people naturally just put, like, a star this year and then cross, just on photographs of him.

Oh. So was it the star of David? No, no, no, no, just like a hashtag star. And no, that'd be weird. He was Jewish here, and then he died here because he became Christian. Yeah, that's. No, no. But it's like where, they have like a star, like not like a star, but like an asterix for his.

Yeah, right. The year he was born. And cross for the year he died, but I was like. Oh, I've never seen that before. Yeah. But I'm sure that's a thing. And it's definitely, you know. Weird.

Yeah, because he's definitely like Jewish. He's as Jewish as a guest. Yeah. You can't, you can't name a Jew or Jew. Yeah. Morrie Ballstein, exactly. Can't name a Jew we are Jew than that. I mean, that's as good as it gets.

Yeah, no, you can't. He was on Seinfeld? Maybe Jesus. Jesus wasn't a Jew. Yeah. I know what you're saying. Like, my Lord Jesus Christ was not a Jew. Yeah, Seinfeld's pretty Jewish.

I don't know. I think that, yeah. No, I'm saying he was on Seinfeld. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And other, you know. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. You can get more Jewish than that.

Anybody who was on Seinfelds. Is more Jewish than other people. Even if there was a black guy on Seifeld, he was more Jewish than other Jews. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I agree with that. I support that. I think that's in the Torah. Yeah. But I think, though, is whenever, I hate every year, though, when, like, the second person dies that's famous, everybody's like, so many famous people died this year.

It's like, that happens every year. Yeah, people just die. I mean, it is. Coronavirus, I get it's different. Some years more than others. Yeah. Well, sometimes, it's like when Michael Jackson died, I remember, 2000. 10 was a big one.

I was making so many pedophile jokes that day. I was at Boy Scout camp and we're like, we made jokes like, we're free, we're free, we're not going to get molested.

We were at Rollins the other day. We were just walking around campus because it was empty. And I remember, I was like, wait, this is where I was when Michael Jackson died. I don't know why I was there, but I was doing something.

And I remember someone going, Michael Jackson's dead. And then everyone was like, like mixed reactions of like, oh, I liked him, but we were all young. so it was a lot of like, yeah, he was a pedophile. Yeah, yeah.

No, but that's a funny thing, it was about two weeks later that people started, because my thing that everybody told me is like, my first way I was told this is somebody said, Michael Jackson died, and somebody was like, what? And somebody's like, yeah, he choked on a little boy's penis. And that's what I was told that he died.

And you had to heard the real news yet. Yeah, yeah. And I remember thinking it was partially true, and I was like, I mean, that's what he does. I was like, that's what. Like, oh my God, McCauley, yeah, McCauley. Somebody, somebody, somebody,

find McCulley Colkin. That would be horrible for both. Yeah, that's a two for one. Killing somebody with your dick in your mouth. Well, yeah, that's confusing. Yeah, that's a confusing. But McClell, he would have been old enough at that age anyways. So he was not doing well at that time.

No, no, no, no. He's not, McCulley Colkin now is a great guy. McCulloch in 2010. Well, yeah, of course, because we saw him on Joe Rogan. So that's how you know he's doing okay. Yeah, well, yeah, I guess you're right. That's like everybody's gauge. We're like, yeah, he talked a little bit.

Sounded normal. I'm sure he's fine. Yeah, he did for one hour. and then he went back to the hole that he lives in, you know, shot himself. I pictured like a little amount on the ground. He's just like... Just decimated.

I only saw the... I only heard the audio. I didn't see video. He's just fucking covered in scabs and bruises. He just doesn't have a face. It's just a skull with blood on it. But he's still the outline. Oh, my gosh.

You've seen Party Monster, right? No, is he in that? You've never seen Party Monster? No. Oh, crazy movie. Crazy movie. It's going to make you want to not go back to New York. Really?

Well, it's like, is that the one with him and Tom Green? Or not Tom Green. Seth Green? Oh, God. What a weird cast. Yeah. Yeah.

I know they're gay in it, right? Yeah, they're like gay crackheads. Okay, cool. That's pretty. That's like something, that's how my mom would say. She's like, oh, cool. They're living in like the 90s in like New York. That's the story.

Oh, and their mother died too. Okay, that seems interesting. Well, it's definitely like. I'm sure somebody spends it in a way where it's like, you know, it's like there, because I've seen the description on Netflix. I'm bleeding already, no context. The description on Netflix was like, you know, in the party scene or like two hip, whatever. It didn't say that they were dying of AIDS and smoking crack and doing heroin.

It was like drug-filled party kid scene. And it was like the club kid scene is what they called it. And they didn't really elaborate on it. But you watch the movie, and they did party. They went to clubs, but they were also dying. Dying and doing really hard drugs. You know what's so funny? Somebody looked at McCulloch, and they're like,

you're going to play a great AIDS patient. That's probably what they thought. Well, he was like half in that world, I guarantee. You know what I mean? He wasn't gay, but he was definitely, he was banging. He was doing like a Charlie Sheen type stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, that, Charlie Sheen has HIV.

I totally forget about that. He does have HIV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, we keep saying negative things, but Charlie Sheen has HIV. He's got it, doesn't he? Yeah, yeah, he does. Yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, I should hit him up.

Yeah, that's going. Yeah. I mean, that's, okay, what situation where you went, like, there's got to be in every situation that has to been one person that's like, I can't believe I'm smoking crack with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, oh, my God. Like, oh, this is how people get AIDS. I thought you're saying that's how they think.

What? No, because you said, you're like, there's got to be one guy in every situation who's like, this is how we get AIDS. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure. I'm sure you know. It's like Dallas Byers Club when he's like, I never saw it.

Oh, it's actually a great movie. They downplay that he was actually gay in real life because he's a straight guy in the movie. So you're like, oh, straight guys get AIDS. And then you look up, I looked up the movie and I was like looking at Wikipedia. He's like, oh, no, they missed he was actually gay. And it's like, oh, yeah, yeah. Changes the pretty much the entire movie.

Oh, of course, yeah. Because he's yelling and he's calling it. Has there been a bad AIDS movie, though? It seems like every movie about AIDS is good. Party Monaster. Yeah. No, party months was a good movie. Yeah.

It was a good movie. Forrest Gump. Great movie about AIDS. Philadelphia? Or Philadelphia's story? Something like that. Yeah. Philadelphia.

Yeah. I heard it was. So if you're writing a screenplay and you're listening, put some AIDS in there. Well, oh, dude. Not Requiem for Dream. Train spotting. It gets AIDS and Trainspotting. It's not about AIDS, but it's a little bit about it.

That's a great movie. I love that movie. I can't think of a bad one. I didn't see the Freddie Mercury one. Oh, that movie. We walked out of that movie. I mean, we also fucked up. Maybe I would have given it an extra chance, but we saw the

we saw the sing-along version. Because that's all- People in the theater are singing. It has a little bouncing ball and it's like, we will, we will. And people are singing it and we fucking laughed halfway. Yeah, that sounds pretty bad. And they did, it wasn't a good movie.

They would do shit like, they would be like, they'd be like, stomp. And then look at each other and be like, and then he would like point out another guy. guy and he'd be like, we will rock you. And it was like, they do this fucking thing. They always do this in movies where it's like

they didn't consult anybody that's made anything ever. Or anybody that knows the studio process of making music or like an individual creative process. They think it's this powwow where everyone's like, and then the guy picks up a guitar and he goes,

I don't know, maybe and it's the riff that they use and it's like some guys on the drums, and he goes, I don't know, what about this? We will. Yeah, and then it's like, yeah, and then it flips and goes, and they're on stage, and they're going,

and then there's a million people in the audience, and his hair got shorter. That's the scene we walked out on. Yeah, you're like, no, nope, not doing this. Well, that's, it's got to be hard to make a good music movie, though. It's, because you don't know the real story. Yeah, yeah. Well, I like the dirt, but it still wasn't a great movie.

It's just like a, fun watch. Yeah. See, it's the shit. Boomers love it. My grandma loved it because she was like, oh, he really did that.

He ripped the thing off the stand when he performed for the first time. I'm like, that doesn't make it a good movie. Yeah, he was just because he did one thing right. Yeah, I know the annoying thing is the Jimmy Hendrix movie. They couldn't even use any of his music because his family's like,

you guys can't do that. So they're like, yeah, so they just had like the Beatles playing in it. God, that's so stupid. Yeah, I remember watching, I watched a little bit of that movie because it was on TV. I mean, the idea is cool.

You're like, oh, Andre 3000. I love Andre. He's a good actor, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was great in Tropic Thunder. He was actually the best performance of that movie. Who was he in that? He was coffee black.

Who's that? He was the only black guy on the team. One of the only two. He was the main, like, not Will Ferrell was obviously the main character. Jackie Moon. Thinking of a different movie. No. Tropic Thunder.

Oh, Tropic Thunder. Oh, I'm thinking of. What am I thinking of? Semi-Pro. Yeah, I was so confused there. I was like, Tropic Thunder. He's the one black guy. I'm like, you mean Robert Downey Jr.?

Who wasn't even black? Yeah. He was doing black. You just think Andre 3000 is blackface Robert Downey Jr. You're like, too, why is there no outcast in this fucking movie? That was Andre 3000? There's also another black character in that movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But for a second, I thought you were talking about. But also him thinking that was Andreth Jr.: Yeah, it looks nothing like. It's like a fake soldier boy. Yeah. But, I mean, it was an actor that played him, but. I remember, I saw the Jimmy Hendricks movie for like 30 seconds, and that's when I found out he beat his wife, and I switched it.

I was like, I thought there was a scene of that in there. That was like part of his personality. That's what he, I used to have a bit about that because there was like this Jimmy Hendrix poster at a bar. And I was like, you know, a little secret about him. It's like he threw a glass bottle on his girlfriend's face. Like that was his secret. I was like, well, it's not like how we got good, but it's just like a secret about him. That's a secret.

You know what, you know, John Lennon? Yeah. Starting to add up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Joe Jackson. Bobby Brown. Come on, guys. Do I really have to spell it out for you?

Yeah. He's one, man, I fucking love his music, too. Chris Brown? Yeah, I'm like the only one. I love his music. Dude, do you love Chris Brown? I love his music. I mean, a lot of people do.

I mean, I've never really been a fan. I think he's a piece of shit person, but his music is so much fun. He's ruined every, like, look at me now. It's a great song. He's the worst part of it. Yeah, but I like the... Yeah, but I like to... in my whole life

for this one night. That's probably because I went to one bar mitzvah and ride it on a cute girl one time and I'm like, dude, Chris Brown is sick. It's because you got a hand job at a bar mitzvah when you get 30 minutes. I'm like, dude, Chris Brown is great music. Dance forever.

Yeah, forever, forever, forever. I was ejaculating two Chris Brown's voice when I was 13th, that's why I think he's great. Yeah, that's actually, I remember getting, uh, hooking up with the girl to, um, uh, some soldier boy song. And I was like,

Soldier Boy's great. And I heard it later and I was like, oh, no, I still don't like it. Yeah. Yeah, that is very true.

Man. It was pretty boy swag, too, which, you know, maybe psychologically I was like, I do have pretty boys. Oh,

my God. The white people that like that song are probably the worst people. Would you think, you know, remember that time period? Oh yeah, it was like, oh, the girls. Like a white kid with a slit in his eyebrow and swag on a flatbrim hat. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those were the days of...

With the mandals and the midcafs. Yeah, with like Adidas slips on at like a fucking, you know, at a place where slippers and not the... Yeah, the thing. At a restaurant out with his parents. Yeah. Just being a dick. Yeah.

What a fucking piece of shit. You know, probably did that, that one guy that was dating that girl. And I'm going to explain it. You're going to know who it is. Because one of my middle school ex-girlfriends dated this guy. And then one of our other friends is like, yeah, that guy's in the bloods. And he's like a white guy that went to TFA. And I'm like, I do not think.

Yeah. I remember that. It's like, that guy's, well, that's how it was. People would make up the fucking dumbest shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. could you imagine like dealing that with TFA though you're like okay we understand we probably got a lot of bloods out there now right right right what they were like they were like some racist school administrator they're like yeah i know exactly who it is and they're like oh it's austin oh really they're like no it's not that doesn't no they're like yeah they're like send quadavius into the uh into the in the principal's office

Like, no, it's not him. It's like, come on. They're just like, come on. You know it is. You're like, no, not at all. Like, he's here on a scholarship and he's crushing it. Yeah, those schools were the fucking... Dude.

You know, Lake Highland was literally a segregation school? White flight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. All of those... You look at every, like, not every, because there's an old private schools that were, like... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There used to be boarding schools, like, Bowls in Jacksonville. And, like, the one in Miami, Ransom or whatever. Like, those schools were around. round before the 60s. You can tell because they have that, whatever. The private schools that started in like 1968, it's like you think that was a random date. Oh, it's like we were found in 1967 three months after the integration of Orange County.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, public schools, yeah. Yeah, it's like, oh, I wonder why everybody just decided they wanted to go to a different school. Yeah, we've got to look at the dates on things. Explains a little bit. Oh, yeah. TFA, man. That's the school that they drug tested their kids. And they also alcohol tested them, which is hilarious. My favorite there was Lake Highland kids, because they'd come over and you see them at a party and they were like just drinking cough medicine or something. And they're like, dude, I'm not trying to get kicked off the football team. And you're like, what? You're doing worse drugs.

No, you would either not do drugs, which most people, I guess most people did. But other kids did so much worse shit because they weren't allowed to smoke weed and drink beers. Dude, I smoked K2 out of a water bottle more than once. Yeah. that stuff is literally just chemicals sprayed on there and I'm right in my head I'm like dude I'm not fucking smoking weed I don't want to get busted by my parents yeah exactly that's everyone that smoked spice when they were fucking 15 it was the same story they were like I don't want to do drugs yeah

they would just burn your throat and then you would just have a panic attack but have kind of fun smoke spice and then take some corkid and coughing cold yeah and then ride on your long board yeah and then do two five eye and be like oh no one's gonna find out Oh my God. I'm getting drug tested. All I can do is swallow 20 Benadry.

Dude, that's how it's fucking... It's funny because those are the types of drugs that are really popular. I did a research project on this in fucking college. We just took a bunch of them? You're like, yo, this is lit. No, but you look at, like, what gets confiscated the most in prison, and it's not heroin. It's not, like, weed.

It's like cigarette. It's tobacco. And then spice. And over-the-counter shit and then, like, weed and then other stuff. Yeah. It's prison drugs are, like, you know, 15-year-old getting a drug test. Oh, exactly. Same motivation.

Yeah, you're doing the same drugs as, like, thugs. Right. Because, like, yeah, yeah, that's all. Well, you're doing this as convicts who have no options. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that is so sketchy. Dude, I know a friend that smoked catnip, which isn't that bad food, apparently doesn't do anything, but it's just hilarious that it got to that.

Yeah, it's, like, slightly psychoactive. But it's the prave to get there. I've smoked parsley, I think. I've smoked, I've smoked cough medicine. We crushed up mucinex because we thought you could smoke it if you put it in a black and mild. So when I was 14, I really smoked, crushed up mucinex thinking I was going to get high. Oh, God, there's... We did a lot of, we did a lot of Mucinex DM at one point in time.

Oh, gosh, yeah, and you just get all itchy and red, but you're like, it's cool because I can't walk correctly. And you just start going... Yeah. And you start sinking and you're like, uh, uh-oh. Yeah. You're like, I like, I like, I like, close my eyes. It feels like I'm in a tornado. And you're like, that's why it's fun.

It's like, I've been throwing up red for a couple hours. But they got about getting drug. One school, I heard the weirdest is as cool is it still like spank kids. Like, I don't think they're still around. That doesn't exist. But there's like ones that like, they're like, oh, you know, Georgia in public school. Or they have a paddle. Just outlawed, like, spanking like now.

And you're like, that's, that's so weird. Because it's like, could you imagine, like, just the pedophilia stuff with that. We keep going back to this topic. If you are, if you pick your career where you want to be around kids, you are a bit fine. Oh, yeah, yeah. Why else would you want to fucking spank kids? Yeah, that is so. Discipline them and they come to your office and you're like, I am so fucking mad at you.

I can't believe that you embarrassed Mrs. Jefferson that way. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm so angry and then paddle them. I mean. That's so creepy. That's awful. Yeah, that's very sadistic. Yeah, I don't like that.

I don't like that. Let's outlaw all that. You and me. You look like you're just covering it up. You're like, oh. Yeah, man, that sounds so lame, dude. Like switching legs. Oh, man.

Yeah, like a blanket I could put over. Yeah, that shit's crazy. I don't know. I think, yeah, there were just so many. Yeah, we always just go about it the same thing with, we got yelled at by too many adults, and we're all just going to say they're pedophiles. now. We're not going to

but we're like, oh, that's so many people's experience. My girlfriend has so many stories where some fucking like, okay,

here's one. I'm not going to tell her stories because, yeah, I'm not her, but she was supposed to go to a

one direction concert. And she was like, whatever age that that was important to her. And she, with her friend

and her, that friend's mom was going to drive her whatever, she did something. She got in trouble with her friend's mom. And this bitch

is a grown woman and she is, you know instead of being like hey you did something I wasn't cool with it whatever she goes you're never going to see one direction you are

and like grilled her like you are in serious trouble you are we are extremely upset with you like all this stuff like you're never going to see one direction one of the things she said to you and she's like fucking 13 and there's

been multiple times. There's more stories where some random teacher... You're never going to go see bass nectar. Yeah, right. Some teachers like... Some, like, teachers like, I am furious at you, and you are a piece of shit. Yeah, and you're like, what? And that's a grown...

That's a, you know, grown-ass woman that's yelling at some fucking child, getting offended. Dude, I had some teenager say my comedy sucks the other day. You did. The fight club, yeah. You got a DM from a 15-year. Yeah, by the way, we definitely got to talk about it a little bit. There's a page called, go ahead and follow it now. Oh, God.

No, our, the prep school we went to. The middle school. The middle school of it has a fight club that followed me on Instagram, and it's just middle schoolers being the shit out of each other, and I cannot be happier. Yeah, I don't know if there are repercussions for following it, but I follow it. That's actually our sponsor.

Go ahead and follow. Knockout, Trinity Prep School, Dock. No, just kidding. that's not even what it's called. No, I just made a little name. No, it's great because we used to do that in high school. We make kids fight each other and stuff. Yeah, but the kid said, he said your comedy sucks cock.

He said it's you. I've never told the teacher he sucks cock, but I'm like, I guarantee if I told one of those teachers that screamed at us, they would have like, you know what I mean? Like, the ones that yelled at us about the dumb shit we did. Yeah. We like rearrange books in the library and they're like, you're a piece of shit. Yeah.

And like, imagine if we told that guy he sucks cock. He would have an an aneurism. What if it's like, he's like, you're going to apologize. to Michael Good and you're going to go to his comedy show. You're going to tell him, I love your comedy, I think you're hilarious, and you're going to subscribe this. You're going to follow his YouTube channel. No butts. The kid's like, please just fucking, no.

I want to get expelled. Expelled. Please just fucking tell my parents expel me. Fucking kill me. Yeah. He's like, no butts. You're going to tell him he has good timing. He's like, I can't do that. I can't.

I can't do that. It's just not, he's a fucking hack. It's great when you get told you suck by someone that doesn't, that you don't respect. And it doesn't bother you. But I respect this kid more because he told me I suck at comedy. Like this is fucking awesome. But it's like, you know, someone you like tells you suck comedy. You're like, oh, that hurts.

Someone you don't know tells you suck at comedy. It's like, that feels pretty good. At least I'm getting out there. Looks like I'm really pressing buttons now. I'm always getting to them. I've always pride of myself I'm being an edgy comic. Yeah.

I've always been pushing the envelope, you know, making people a little uncomfortable. But then I teach them a lesson at the end, and then they're like, oh, man, I'm better for listening to this guy. Yeah. Yeah. No, none of that.

Just none of that. But I wonder how long, because the school is out, I wonder if they're just going to have backyard fights now. Can we bet on it? You know, go to beddyesi.com. No, I'm just kidding.

That's got to be, I think we bet it on fights in high school a little bit. I don't remember better. I think other, it would be like a side bet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, they were so much fun. They were, like, football games. It was that, like, it was like Saturday night.

Way more fun to watch. Not to me a dick. No, yeah, no. Yeah, no, but it was the same attitude. Dude, I remember going to a park. Do you remember this? Went to a fucking park over here, not that far away. Oh, yeah.

And it started with, like, somebody Facebook messaged some kid at our school. Probably calling him gay or saying he was a small day. So fucking stupid. Yeah, it was someone like, like, who fucking tag it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. blah, and then the kid was like, oh, I'm going to fight. And then he told, you know, other people who told other people who told me, who told, like, you and, like, people from other schools. So we had, you know, like, 50 people showing. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That and some of them were not, like, some of them, you know, especially with hindsight, were bad people. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That really were trying to hurt somebody. Yeah, exactly. And we're just involved just for the... You're talking about the park by Lake Noles, that one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Highland, Trinity.

fight? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My favorite was the show up, so we're waiting for these people to show up. We just see people, we just see people coming like, who are we fucking up? They don't even know the context. Yeah, a lot of times side fights will start too. Yeah, I don't think that time it happened, but that'll happen. Well, I remember I soloed out some kid, I was like, I was like, and I liked him. We were friends. It was Alex Nagmay. I don't know if he, he'll never know, but I was like, I liked him. Like, we were cool. Like, I had no problem with

them, but I was like, I'm going to fuck kill that kid. Yeah, just for no reason, just for the camaraderie of it. Just because I was like, fuck. Fuck him. He lives over there. He lives over there. My favorite is we're waiting for them to show up. And then all of a sudden this car bursts through the fence and hits a transformer box or whatever you call it.

Yeah, it's sparks. And I remember just thinking like, that's a fucking entrance. And I thought that's the guy who's going to fight. She could get up his car. He's like, hey, just like a fucking W. No, yeah. You don't get the belt. But it ended up just being some girl who gets drunk.

And she goes, oh, my eye. I can't believe I hit that. And then we're like, ah, shit. She's getting a DUI. We're going to get out of here. Everybody fucking sprints away. I remember I ran and I saw one of our friends' moms driving. She's like, you should not be out here.

And I'm like, fuck off. Like, I didn't say that, but in my head, I'm like, what are you going to tell my mom I was at a fight? Like, it doesn't. Yeah. It wasn't fucking, that was a blast. Those are some of my fondest memories. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And then every now and then, like, a fight would actually happen. But most times, yeah. Now it's so funny because now, dude, I fucking, I see our, so you fight about to break out. Oh, dude. Yeah. I'm like, I'm not going.

in the jail. You can't really hurt people that much. Well, it turns, I mean, it fucking changes when you become an adult and somebody hits their head on concrete outside. It's a bar in Tallahassee. Bleeding out of their skull on the side of the road. Yeah, next thing you know, you got to move back to fucking Orlando and do a podcast and pretend it never actually happens. And change your name. You know, maybe I'll go by Michael Goode.

Yeah, yeah. The last fight, I got it. I just got punched in a face. And that was so dumb. Like, some guy, like, bumped my girlfriend. at booth in Tallahassee, and so I pushed him, I was like, get out of here. And then he socked me in the face. And then the dude kept coming around to our fraternity house,

and nobody, he pulled a gun on a girl. And, like, apparently some girl, but there's so funny because some guy was, like, some guys you get away with when you're, like, privileged. But it was so funny because, like, apparently he pulled a gun on the girl, like, in the quad of the fraternity house. And he straight up was just like, uh, he said some shit where he, everybody's like, like, dude, that girl, like robbed him. I'm like, yeah, well, maybe we don't have that guy at our house.

Yeah. And then he kept showing up, and he was like, dude, we're not going to tell him to leave. I'm like, this guy punched me in the face. The best part is I was so glad because he punched me and then dipped off. And I was like, thank God. But that night I was like, dude, I'm going to find this guy and I'm going to kick his eyes. And I was like, now inside you're like, I need to fucking go home. Yeah, I need to go home.

The best part is I got a new student ID that night the next morning. And do you want to use the same picture that you had before? Because I had like a big swollen lip. And I was like, no, no, do it right now. So I was like, still drunk. And my student ID picture and my lip is just like busted. And I'm like, this is sweet. Yeah.

I'm like, yeah, I never got socked in the face in Tallahassee, and then I realized, like, I sucker punch people in a random. Yeah, you punch me in the face. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wasn't very effective. No. I remember I punched at the base. I was like, oh, man, I fucking suck it.

Every time I punched somebody in the face, I'm like, God, damn, I suck at this. Yeah, I haven't gotten in a fight in a long time. And the farther away from that, the better. I mean, there's no. Yeah. Do you see somebody trying to fight and you're like, dude. There's some guy at my work. This guy that, you know, I work at a bar.

He's leaving the bar. He hits somebody's car on the side of the road. And he gets out. He's like, oh, man, he's drunk. He's like, oh, man, I'm sorry. The guy just fucking literally runs at him and drops him, like, floors him. And then just stands over him and goes, fuck you. Their car is fine.

Like, nothing that happened. And imagine. He's like, that's my mom's car. She's going to kick my ass. Yeah. And then he's in the weird legal situation. where it's like, all right, we're going to call the cops and tell him he punched you in the face. And then it's like, well, why did he punch you in the face?

It's like, well, I hit him with my car. It's like, what were you doing before this? Like, I was drinking at a bar. It's like, okay, so you know, it's a, you know, so DUI or get justice for just getting dropped. I mean, just out, cold, which, you know, does he deserve it? Oh, that was right in front of your bar? That was right in front of your bar? That was right in front. We watched it.

And then he came in. he was like, oh, and we went outside, and the kid was yelling at us, and he was just fucking coked out. Yeah. This is just like the type of shit that, like, I feel like you, it should only be what the micro wrestling federation does. That's the only fighting I want to see. Just little people beating the shit out of each other. Clothes lines and fucking. The fucking pros.

Swamp and Tom bombs. McDougal Douglas is, as you would say. Yeah. Put them in the cradle. You know what I mean? Just fucking tighten up. I want to see some pro wrestling. something, dude. I don't. I don't care.

You don't? Someone was like, yeah, they canceled the WWE, and I was like, okay. Okay. Yeah. The funny thing is everybody's like, it's so funny because Tom Seguerre, I guess said, like, that all fans of WWE are retards. And then, like, people, I saw like people like getting so mad about it. And then all of his

things are just, like, making fun of it. Now he's just like, yeah, I'm going to keep making fun. Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to say he's wrong. Yeah. It's definitely gay. Well, yeah, well, it is. There's no. Some of it is a little bit. Which there's nothing wrong with that. That's fine.

Yeah. But call it like it is. Yeah. There's definitely some homoerotic elements to it. Yeah. But I'm trying to think like, what if, I'm trying to think if there's something I liked and somebody said, that's retarded. Like, what was like a good example of like? Stand up comedy?

You're like, yes, it is. Yeah, I'm like, it's pretty dumb. It's pretty stupid. You're like, yeah, I fucking hate myself. Yeah. Dude, like, my girlfriend doesn't even like stand up comedy. She just doesn't like it. I'm like, okay.

At some point I'm like, yeah, it makes sense. Do you? Like, I get it. Like it's like... Well, I don't get mad at people if they don't like my music or whatever. Yeah. Well, if you listen to fucking... If you listen to like, you know, 80s hits and this isn't vibing, I'm not going to be like...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a piece of shit. Yeah. I like it. Yeah. But also, like, what grown adult, their identity is that much? Like, I get if you're, maybe if you're a WWE guy and you're like, okay, well, that hurts. Well, some people could just have to hold on and stuff.

Yeah, yeah. But I'm like, dude, if you're fucking like 30 and... You're like that, like, that is that much of an identity to you that, like, when somebody... There are probably 1 million 30-year-olds with, like, at least one WWE poster on their wall. Oh, gorgeous. So pissed. Some million people. Yeah.

More around the world. But definitely in America, one million people. Each with their own story. Yeah. About why it means something to them. It's probably all the same. It's like, well, my dad left me and... Actually, I have a good friend that's in the end.

What? I have a good friend that's... loves WWE. And he's around that age. So I don't think, I'm not making fun of him. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Yeah, but it's just like everybody, you could say anything's dumb.

And any, you could literally be like, politics are dumb, politics are stupid. And like, in some ways it, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You're not saying that person. Everything's a little bit retarded.

Exactly. Everything and everybody. My favorite expression, I invented this, and maybe tries to say they didn't. No, but one thing I always say, I have no idea if I heard it somewhere, but it's like... Checking to see if this is... But there's not.

No, that's... It's everybody is somebody else's... Everybody's somebody else's douchebag. Yeah. So, like, the guy who's like in the Ferrari's wearing a button down, works a great job. He's a douchebag to the hipster guy at the coffee shop. But the hipster guy at the coffee shop is a douchebag to the redneck guy who thinks that guy's a douchebag. You're right.

And the redneck guy is a douchebag to like some... You know, somebody else. It's like everybody, yeah. So no matter what, nobody likes you, whoever you are. You always hate the guy who's exactly. exactly like you and the guy that's exactly opposite of you. And everyone in between is like, it's cool. It's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like you hate the person that's like, exactly got your thing going on, he's doing the same shit. A little better maybe? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you hate the guy who's the exact opposite of you, but in between is where you find friendship. It's an angle. It's a geometry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the spectrum of friendship.

It makes sense. That's, it's fucking science. What is the opposite of me, though? You're like fucking cool guy who's smart. Yeah, success. successful guy. Oh, God, it's so... Do you ever meet somebody

or you know somebody that isn't trying to do anything? And you're like, God, that's so refreshing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. They're just like, dude, I'm just fucking hanging out. Yeah, they're like, yeah, I have a job. I'm just trying to smoke this cough medicine, man. You're like, fuck yeah, we've all been there.

They're not trying to be an actor or a musician. Oh, this thing's about the... Oh, I forgot. I'm not using this for a... battery. We're going to wrap it up anyways. Yeah, dude, I think this is... No, it was terrible. Fuck you, we're not doing this again.

Yeah. You look like you were in a cry on the last podcast we dread. We found out I didn't have the coronavirus and you were like so or the antibodies. You were so bummed up. I was having such a bad day. Oh, by the way, you know what happened to that, right? You know, I called the woman. I got

really high and I called the woman. I got a call from them and they're like, oh, so... Did you want to talk to somebody? Is that what they said? Well, yeah, what happened was, like, I originally called them and left a message. This is how fucking cocky I am. I called them, and I'm like, yeah, so it said I didn't have the antibodies, but I really think I did. So if I could call somebody, and like the test results said I didn't have the antibodies. Yeah, of course.

So then the woman calls me when I'm just out on the lake, just really high after drinking a bunch of beers. And I'm like, nah, I think I definitely have the anybody. She's like, okay, well, the test results said you didn't. I'm like, well, like, I ran like two miles a day, and there's no way somebody without the antibodies because I've done that. And I'm like, do you think I could feel the anybody? You're like crunch the numbers. Yeah. Crunch him again.

They're like, it's not how this works. Yeah, no, at the last time we did this, I was depressed. But things are coming back to know. You're like, the better you say you're doing, the more you question it. You know what I mean? It's like, how are you doing? You're like, dude, I'm doing awesome. I've been feeling good.

No. I've been doing so great. I haven't been feeling good. Yeah. The drinking's been down. I mean, down compared to, like, two years ago. It's still been up. It's still bad.

Yeah, it's still not. It's always going to be bad. But at least, you know, sometimes it's not that bad. No, things are great. This was good. This was better than the last one. Fuck yeah. You'll never see it.

Let's end it. Yeah. Drop it up, folks. Once again, we're sponsored by exploitedcollegegirls.com. Don't. Don't. We can cut that out. All right.

Don't.