Morning Good - Pill Guys - Episode 207

Episode Date: February 4, 2024

Joe Jacques and Christophe Jean join the show for today's episode. They talk about horny Miami comedy, the new Ben Shapiro Tom MacDonald rap, and whether Michael should bring the cornrows back.Thanks to Joe and Christophe for coming back on the show together. Check them out on previous episodes of the show and at their links below for more.Christophe Jean is on Instagram @chrisjeanofficial and hosts the Rough Week Show podcast.  Joe Jacques is on Instagram as well @joejaxcomedy and produces the Rough Week show as well. Also check out "Get Good" on Jake Ricca's YouTube featuring Christophe, Joe, and a bunch of other Orlando comics.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Oh, yeah. Welcome to morning. Like it? Are we here with Christoph Jean? Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, I wasn't ready.

Hey, guys. Welcome to the Michael Good podcast. Yeah, yeah, I do kind of do that thing too. Where my voice changes a little bit every time. Yeah, no, I was doing it performatively. So we're talking about the potential of somebody breaking it. What was it? It was just like reactions to being broken up with.

You don't have to start there. No, well, that was where we ended up. That was the genesis of it. No, the genesis was, would you break up with your girlfriend from, or no, would you cheat on your girlfriend if she knows, but you can work it out? But you get a million. It sounds like Mike sucks. If you home here, it's perfect. Is that okay?

Yeah, that's good. Okay. You up higher? No, not on the thing. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. Like, don't mess with the cable. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

So would you cheat on your girlfriend for a million dollars? I don't have a girlfriend anymore, so absolutely. But it is very like, yeah, I was talking about this. It's so funny the way people like, the cheating thing is really interesting because there are some people that like, in their mind it's like not even a bad thing. Like they've gotten, and I don't even think they're sociopathic. I just think they're more. Yeah, black guy.

To who might you be referring, Michael? I will be honest, every conversation. in particular? I don't know. I think like, I think there is like... Do I think of your dad cheats a lot and does it?

Like, I think a lot of people who's dad cheats, I knew a very preppy guy who's dad cheated all the time, but in his mind he doesn't even see it as like a bad thing. He's like, what are you talking about?

I'm getting pussy. Why's his bad? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all having fun. My buddy had a... I broke a sacred covenant. What's the big deal? Yeah, yeah.

My buddy had a fucked up story where he got like a new phone plan, and so it was one of those things where he was connected to do his dad's phone, and he started seeing his dad's text and just fully like consistently got texts

of his dad cheating on his mom and like it would all go to his phone and it's the funny part he was in these hot sexy pictures well it was like some old lady 48 year old lady I'm so lucky his takeaway though was like

dude no risk dude my dad was so cring he was dropping the ball on his I don't think he was dropping the ball but reading them he's like oh this is bad yeah Well, I mean, if you read a 52-year-old horny guy's text,

no matter what you read. If I read your... Every text my dad sends me. Dude, your dad has sent me a horny text. He sent me a hornyest Instagram real, like, recently. And I was just like, dude, you got to enjoy this in private. What was it like a chick to work at or something? Yeah, like one of those horny skits.

Yeah, yeah. But the whole thing is just you see a girl like bend over. Yeah, yeah. It's very like Miami comedy. Yeah, Miami comedy. It's like a yoke dude. Instagram name is my in the comedy. It's just some giant-titted

only fans lady who like slips on a banana and it goes in her mouth. Yeah, yeah. And her boyfriend's watching like, oh. And then a guy in the background is like, damn! She really's hugging on that motherfucker.

Yeah, and he's Puerto Rican. Yeah, the skit was the dude threw the keys in the backseat and she like bent over to get it and you can like, you know, see under a skirt and I'm like, I'm your son. Absolutely. Yeah, he'll never have.

My dad has never once said, is this hot? Like, I think a father should never say to his son, isn't this hot. Oh, no, he was a gross old man. Really? Yeah.

My dad, like, watching movies will do that. But not in, like, a super creepy. My dad's picking me up from middle school. He goes, look, you're allowed to comment.

It's not against the rules. Yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, your friend's developing early. So you finger your girlfriend? Yeah. It's my fingered her. Finger smell to make sure

you weren't drinking. He smelled. After you get, hang out with your middle school girlfriend, always smells your fingers. For cigarettes. No, my dad will be watching.

It's so funny, his taste, though, is so funny. Like, he has the most bizarre taste in women sometimes. Like, we'll be watching, I remember as a kid, we used to watch Rachel Ray cook all the time, and he'd be like, fucking Rachel. He'd be like, I want to tear that ass. I'm like, Rachel Ray? It's such a funny choice.

Well, there are weird ones like that. Like, I mean, I guess she has giant tits and beautiful. the eyes and she's a wonderful lady. But Katie Perry I have such a... Yeah, that's completely reasonable. It's not Rachel Ray. Yeah, she's a bed, dude. Wait, I haven't seen Rachel Ray in a while. So I went along with what she looks like now. Look her up like mid-2000s, Rachel Ray. This is when we were... I was like 10 years old.

She's like Tanner, right? Not like... Yeah, like more tan. She's like an Italian, raspy woman. She'd clearly fucking rip Sigs. Like, you can tell she's just always smoking SIGs. She could rip a fart in the mouth. Oh, she's hot. I'm just kidding. Yeah, yeah, but no, I get what you're saying. She's not like that. Yeah, no, she's not. really. Wait, what did she do?

This should be the reviewing women podcasts. Anybody on, like, my dad would be crazy horny for, like, news anchors. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anybody doing, like, something like that, I think you'd want to have sex with? It's like a teacher. But as always it is, like, insane. You're like, why is this lady have to be reading the weather? Like, it's just so fucking.

Oh, like, the Hispanic ones are hilarious. Oh, my God. They're just, like, the most beautiful women with huge jokes. Yeah, they're, like, wow. But to be honest, if I, if I turned on the weather and it was, like, disgusting, I think I would just change the channel. There's a fine line. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can't have some pig telling you the weather. No, no, yeah. It's either some, like, like, closeted gay guy or it's, like, the hottest woman you've ever seen. That's who tells you the weather. Yeah, it makes perfect sense. They're like, it's gonna be funny. Or it's like, yeah, you're fucking, look at the weather.

Jacking off your wife. Why is he behind the camera telling us the weather? Wait, did your dad give you the sex talk? Yeah, on a boat. just the two of you. Dude, he turns on the Rolling Stones and we get in the middle of the lake and he turns the key off

and he goes, what do you know about sex, Michael? And I'm like, you're gonna fuck you in the middle of the lake, you're about to know everything. That's pre-malestation talk. Dude, the radio turns off you're in the middle of the lake.

No one can hear you. We're in the middle of the lake. Yeah, that's like a murder. Except it'll be the other way. You turn it up louder. Stop me up. Dude, it's that one song in every Scorsese movie. Which one?

It's just a shadow way. It's just a shadow away. The a Oz or just you scream. It's just a shadow away. But it's funny, too, because I was such a, I knew so much about saying. I remember bragging so hard. I was like, I started like overcompensating. I was like, yeah, I know all about like shows and stuff like that.

stuff, poop stuff, pee-pee time. Did you have that masturbation? Was masturbation explained to you, or did you just figure it out? Someone told me about it. They're like, yo, you got to go, you got to do it like this. And I kind of did it wrong.

They're like, you have to rub your dick. So I did it. I spit on my fingers and, like, go like that, like you would on a clitoris. Yeah, you're a little acorn penis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I didn't really work. And then I remember I went to the bathroom at, like,

the hair salon. was just like touching my hair. Dude, those are sensual, dude. Oh, my God, dude. You get like a titty graze on the back of your head. Oh, it feels amazing. Oh, my God, dude, you're 12 years. I'm rock hard.

Rock hard. Dude, fucking, they don't even have to be good looking. It's almost better that they're kind of gross. Yeah, the thickness? Oh, my God. It's also like, there's that, and then there was like a dental hygienist. It was like literally whose job. An orthodontist assistant.

Stick your fingers in your mouth. Yeah, yeah. It was basically a child molester. He's putting giant jugs in your face. Okay, no, suck on my fingers. Yeah. Did you have ladies touching your pee at the doctors?

Yeah. I'd get hard. I get fucking rock hard, dude. Did you actually? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my goodness. I would just be so nervous my dick would get like

three sizes of smaller. Yeah, like the Grinch. Yeah. I'd be prepped, dude, condomond. I've seen videos like this. Yeah. Yeah, the amount of times I thought I was, that's always, it's not a new idea,

but like I always thought I was. I feel like my penis and balls were rarely checked. They were on their own. They were like, He was fucking ginger. I don't know I got herpes when I was like

23. Until I met Joe he was checking my balls all the time. Yeah, before I got herpes I feel like no one looked at my

dick for really like unless it was a beautiful woman. I remember one time I was a fucking creepy kid. Like I was just

I remember one time this doctor she's like that's it I was like I was like are you sure everything

looks you positive because she's like I was like calm comes out yeah all right yeah we're good yeah we're done I mean

did you see this part I had so many health professionals look at my dick and even if it was a guy, like I would just be fluffing my shit up before they enter the end of it. Yeah, you got to let them know what you're working with. I can't humiliate myself. You can't pull up with the, you know, with the fucking

yeah, a little peccaroo. Yeah, you can't pull up with that. Well, it's always weird to be, I see all these TikToks about guys like, oh, like fluffing your dick up before the doctor gets there. Every nurse is like, trust me, it doesn't even phase us. We're like, yeah, it's not about you. It's about what I think. I'm aware that you're not like judging every penis, but it's more about maybe

like. Exceptionally one way or the other. Well, this is what she said. She's like, yeah, we only talk about them if they're ginormous. Yeah, I like they're just explaining that you bring-tipa. Genormous or micro-penes, let's be honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's purposely leaving that out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're not going to, like, see a penis the size of, like, a Tic-Tac, and then not tell the broads about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is a micro-penus? Just look in your pants. No, because genuinely, sometimes I feel like it's so small that I'm like, I feel like this is crazy. Have you seen, um, have you seen, um, um, What's that movie with Will Forte? McGruber?

McGruber, where he has a micro penis. No, he has no penis, right? He got to cut off and then you see it at the end. I thought he had a micro penis. I think it's, no, he got to, he got his, cut up. I'm gonna start calling every penis to micro penis. No, he has a micro penis. Even hogs, just be like a fucking little micro penis.

I'm crazy. He did this, like, funny, like, my memory was that he used to be strong. You're thinking of the hangover. No, there was, Will Forte did a micro penis, like, photo shoot, like, to promote the movie. He, like, I swear to God. Oh, my God, this is going to kill me. That is a great bit to just have a pair of... Dude, that is insane.

I think that's not what a real micro penis is. That can't be real. Oh, my God. I hope they're not just like, this isn't just kids' penis. You're pulling out right now. I hope not. No, that wouldn't be the first thing on Google.

I hope. I did look up child porn when I was a kid. When you were a child? Oh, my God. Yeah, when I looked up on Google, like, child porn, because I wanted, I wanted... I'm glad this episode's getting flagged now. I wanted porn that looked like me.

Yeah, yeah. I wanted porn that looked like my classmates. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to be fair. If anybody, sex did underage. Like, technically, I sent dickpicks when I was a kid. Technically, I just broke the law. Child porn. That's what they would always hold over you.

I'm like, yeah, is the FBI coming? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. To this thing that 98% of children do, like, what are talking about? Yeah, I've sent, I've taken over 500 pictures of my penis, and I've sent probably 200. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's, like, that's, like,

Like, you gotta get like, you gotta get like six or seven, like, takes. How many of those were not your GF? Where's these random people that you like to send to? My ex-GF did not like dickpicks at all. These were like before and after has been a little bit excessive. You said unsolicited. No, never, no. You said a number random number.

Send it to Domino's. What, I'm just, I'm fishing. You're going to catch something eventually. You're going to get something. Yeah. You've got to throw the line out there. No, I've said, wow. I've said videos of me jizzing and stuff like that.

Not like with my face in it, but that's always the rule. But yeah, yeah. But editing on your own face. There's like clearly my flag football is just trophy in the background. Michael Good. It's like your address and license in today's newspaper. I just lost my fucking license, dude. That shit sucks. I lost it at a Madonna concert.

Oh, you can't find it. I thought you got a D-Y. Yeah, it's very funny emailing Madison Square Garden being like, hey, have you seen my one driver? license from the Madonna concert a week ago. Do they respond? I'm guessing no. No. They should respond saying, like, we're only responding because this is the saddest amount of hope that everybody has had. Yeah, this is like an absurd.

Yeah, yeah. If you think this is possible. Just go there and look. Just knock on the door. Excuse me. I was here the other night. Excuse me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw Madonna. Yeah. Well, they weren't at her email. Oh, it was fucking incredible, dude. So it was, uh, went on to

a dagger looking broad now. She's scary. I don't think of a fuck. She's a queen. Would you fuck her? Yeah. What is that question? When I fuck Madonna? I'd fuck most celebrities for the story. That's true.

Yeah, yeah. Guys? No. I did pause too long for that. Ron Jeremy. That is an interesting question. So it's like, there's always the dick of,

the question of, would you suck a dick? The most ridiculous Freudian slip I've never heard. There's always the dick, I mean, the question. I mean, I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay, sorry.

But it's like, would you suck dick for a thousand, Does it make it worse or better if it's a celebrity? Better. I always said this. Would you suck Brian Redband's dick to get on Joe Rogan? It's not brought up. Rogan doesn't know about it. But randomly, Rogan...

Sucking off Ryan Redband? Yes. I've met Redband. He's a sweet guy. Everybody said he's the nicest guy ever. He's a sweetheart. I really like him. Yeah, yeah.

So to give him one favor? But in the back of your mind, it's not... You don't think about it at all. I'd almost feel guilty if he was really into it, And I was like, I'm only doing it. Dude, everybody said he's, like, the nicest guy on the planet. He's genuinely so sweet. Like, I met him very briefly.

He remembers me. Like, I DM, every time I visit Austin, I DM, I'm like, hey, I'm coming. And he's like, oh, well, come by. Like, you know. Yeah, yeah, he responds why. He's a sweetheart. Okay, so the answer is you would do it. I'd suck him off.

I'm already sucking him off. I'm already sucking. But now I'm just kidding. No, well, it's because everybody goes, oh, what about Jamie? I'm like, that's not fair because Jamie's behind the whole time. Yeah. So that would be too much nerves on the episode. I'd be looking over at the young Jamie the whole time.

Yeah, yeah, you'd be like, uh. But if it was just somebody not in the room, but then randomly he gets mentioned. He gets mentioned like halfway through and you just kind of scramble about it a little bit. Does he come fast? No, it's a long, really sensual. He's rubbing your face and saying, I love this so much.

See, then I'd be like, Brian. I'm not doing this because I want to. And he'd be like, what? I'd be like, sorry. Yeah, but I think the celebrity thing would make it worse than if it was a straight. But it's weird because there's benefits to the celebrity thing. So it's like...

If it worked out for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then always in your mind. If you had to pick one, who would you pick? Ryan Gosselin. Ooh, that's... Yeah, me too. It's like sucking my own dick.

No, it's not, dude. To me, it's like sensualness. It would actually be better for me to suck an ugly man's penis because it would be less sensed. Like, to me, it's more... It would be less confusing for you sexually. Well, it's like, no, I'm right there with you, dude. I'm not trying to see.

Beautiful Ryan Gosling. Yeah. Beautiful Angel. No, I would hate to fucking discover that about myself. You'd be like, it just sounds like a lot of stress right now.

You know what I mean? Just being like, I don't want to also find out I like sucking dicks. It's like, whenever I see a gay scene in a movie and I just look at my dick. Don't get hard. Don't get hard. Stop it.

Stop it. I swear I feel it more. Do you feel your penis more? I'm like hyper. aware of your... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the first person to vocalize this, but yeah, I've never... It's like...

It's like the way like, you know, like you have like mindfulness techniques for anxiety. It's like, feel the bottom of your feet touching the floor that like grounds you in reality. It's like that for the tip of my penis, not get hard. Or the loosey cage joke when he watches Magic Mike, he doesn't get hard, but his dick kind of goes like, whoop. Yeah, like somebody blown into a raft a little bit. Yeah, it's so good. Yeah, I know the ending of the movie. It's I'm gay.

Yeah. That, I think he has a... I think he has a similar thing about, like, he wants the cream of the crop if he has gay sex. It's like, he's like, I'm going to fuck the hottest guy. It's like, if I do it, you know? See, for me, I think my problem with, like, sensuality grosses me out. So, like, if the guy... Even if the woman, like, a little hot lady?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need to, like, spit on her and shit? Yeah, I don't know. You need to make it filthy. Yes, and I need a little bit of, like, fun to it. It's, like, the idea of, like, a little bit of, like, a little bit of, like, a idea of me sucking a guy's penis is disturbing. Especially, well, now

you're right up your alley. Now we're looking back around to what you like. You're just disgusted. I'm a fucking filthy animal. Yeah. What am I doing? As long as the makeup is running down your hair.

Yeah, I've been a wedding dress. Daddy, I love you. That's good gay sex for you. Bad gay sex is if he looks in your eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or hold your, hold your hands, He's, like, kind to you and, like, enters slowly. That, like, skeaves me the fuck out. Gives you, like, gives you soft kisses.

Dude, you know what? I'll say this. Dan Carney, love the guy. I don't like playing gay with him because he's too sensual. There's guys, he's like, what I'm going to go? Lick your balls, and I'm like, I come on my mouth. But then some guys are like, hey, man. I'm like, oh, it's deeply disturbs me. Oh, that's me and Joe.

I think we're fully, I mean, we might as well. I'm giving him a hand job. Yeah, yeah. Like, I almost want to set up a rule with Dan, be like, we, look, this was fun in the past, We can't play it again. I think that is actually a good note because I'll play gay with my dad and if I'm like, he's like, he thinks it's funny,

but if I just like rub his shoulder like really slow. Oh, you stop, stop. I'm just like, oh my God. Like, even like,

what are you doing? I don't like that. I don't like men showing. Are you putting a gator between me and you? Yeah. For safety? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just trying to get it up a little more. But, Michael hates. seeing gay guys hold hands in public. Dude, literally speaking, two guys kissing sensually, two dudes fucking each other in the ass, I think would disturb me less.

But like dirty homeless guys, like kicking each other's balls and, and really licking each other's assholes, you're like, that's good. To be fair, though, I did, I copied one of my friends' faces on gay porn,

and I watched enough of it to be like, it is nice to say, you go, not for me. Not for me. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, my test was for a while when I started drinking off, I would only look up

lesbian porn as like a prove myself Oh, you know, everybody did that. They're like, dude, gay porn's straight porn's gay. That was always, I never get this. My dick can get hard by just looking at girls. I do love that old Michael Chee joke about lesbian

porn how much he hates it. What is it? Because it doesn't have an ending. Oh, yeah. It's such a good joke. Like, after lesbian, they just look at each other and they're like, well. Also, I didn't know lesbians like Madonna. I thought it was only gay dudes and women.

That, me too. Yeah, yeah. Well, lesbians are women. No, no, people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Human women. Gay guy, person. Straight woman person. Yeah, yeah.

We're talking about men and women. What the hell? Yeah. What are we doing? There's like no lesbians. Any more? Hell died. No, they're like statistically no lesbians. Really?

What are you talking about? Well, like compared to gay dudes. There's way more gay dudes than lesbians. Interesting. Like, it's like, it's like five more. Well, dudes are just hotter. Yeah, dudes are. are just so hot.

They can't help. We can't help. What's the percentage of lesbians? I think, I want to say it's like 1% of women are lesbians and 4% of men are gay. It's literally like 4x. I wonder why.

I mean, but 90% of girls are bisexual. Right. Yeah, I think it's because of sexual... Every one I've ever had sex with it. That men tend to operate on the far ends of the straight gay or extra spectrum.

Because we're more externally motivated. So we're like, dudes are horny. It's like you like, you like, you like, there's not like a, ambiguity,

whereas, like, a woman could be like, I don't know, who's like crazy, like we were drinking. I just, fingered around. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah. That's like the joke of, like, you make, like, girls make out with each other when they drink, you know?

Yeah. It's like, the boys are never just like, fuck, you know. Yeah, it never happens. I wonder if there's just

something inherently more just, like, sexually feeling about girls. Yeah, it's true. 100%. Yeah,

where it's like, well, women are like, girls also like them. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, outside of,

like, like this background. Yeah, this is a woman are like the same thing. Yeah. And then a man is like a hammer. I got to sound straighter now

for the podcast. Yeah, like this women are so fucking hot dude. Yeah, it's like the beach, man. I think there's just something differently appealing about dudes than girls. Like a girl,

I feel like is always more of like, this is a physically attractive person or thing. Yeah. Yeah. And, and a dude is more like,

you know, he doesn't even have to be attractive for a girl to be attracted to them. Well, this is like the biological people, it's a bias I figure what it's called or it's like a way of it's like what's a biological like determinism or something or absolutism.

Is that like in evolution it's like we're after different things or whatever? Yeah, because like women are inherently more valuable. Yeah, because they carry the little babies. Because they carry the babies because well one guy can impregnate six women but one woman can only get pregnant one time so they're kind of equal

in that. And chicks physically can give you more of a sense of like what it's fucked but like what they're good for is like you know the wide hips and yeah yeah of course and the big boobies

whereas it's crazy that it comes down to that of so but it's really weird because women won't really fuck as many guys are not attracted to but men will fuck women they're not attracted to

all the time right but dating wise it's like it's like really when it comes down to dating it's like do you I find this like it's like so important I feel like for a guy to be like is this woman

attractive like a guy will cancel a date with a woman if she's less attractive than another right a woman might hear out if she's like initially not

maybe the most physically attracted to him. Yeah, well, dude, I've heard stories. Oh, he has a great job and he's hilarious, like, you know, or whatever the hell. Yeah, I've heard great courting stories recently. It's crazy. I've heard, like, Roeys. Yeah, those are adorable. I've heard a bunch of courting stories where guys are like...

Is that one cute? I don't know, just persistence. I mean, it is the same stalker behavior. It was very stalker. He really liked her, and then, like, they didn't match on Tinder, and he was, like, her waiter, and then, like, he tried to riz her up at the restaurant, and then he, like, found her Instagram, and, like, you know, and this was, like, over a several month. Don't give up

stalkers. Don't give up. Just keep following her around. She'll say yes. She'll change her mind eventually. Just bring a weapon or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, my girlfriend I waited for like a year. She was dating a guy and I was just like looking at her Instagram like, picture's still there. All right. And then eventually

she was single and I was like a shark But that's a little bit though, because that's like It's different. I guess it's just waiting. You weren't projected. Yeah, it wasn't like you were like there I've heard of guys being like, they're like, she's telling you what? First couple times to ask her out she said no i'm like i would not have i'm definitely one i would leave one and done i'm want to take a no yeah it's like if because i think the the idea of guys getting caught up in like

the friend zone or whatever to me is like the fuck i think it's very gay so gay and cringy is like is like well i i can still be friends with her it's like if you like a girl and you're like best friends with her and in the back of your head all you're thinking the whole time is like if i wait long enough to be like if i wait for her to fuck this many guys, then she'll be my girlfriend. Or you just move on and try to be with somebody that actually wants to fuck you. It's wild

to me to not just take no as like an answer. Yeah, no, of course. Yeah, yeah, it is crazy. But then never been like, please. You've never been like, please give me pussy! Only if I'm right there and they're saying like, I don't really feel like having sex tonight, then I'm like, please, please, please. You're crying.

I'm always like, that's totally cool, totally cool. But I wouldn't think you're like a whore if you I wouldn't think you're a whore I'd actually think you're a whore if you didn't reverse psychology I'm like what if you're really horny in like an hour

just text me text me back if you want to I guess what is by do they check their phone and it's just please please please please have you been like please not directly

but like in my actions you know yeah yeah I'm like dated girls who were like not that interested in me or like you hold close but I hate to keep sorry sorry sorry yeah they're like they've gone on a few dates with me and it doesn't like they seem to fizzle out and I'm like wait yeah yeah oh yeah well that's it don't fizzle away I need pussy so bad that's at least a situation like you're you're getting something it's like they're giving you some

feedback yeah I remember we were talking about then they're giving me more feedback that says well what you're describing a situation ship type thing where I've been in a yeah I guess I hate that word it's such a gay word But I think it describes something so universal now. Yeah, true. Probably occurs more now. I'm sure it's always been a thing. But yeah, like, and I think it's a byproduct of like the culture.

It's a, it's an internet did that because it's like this appearance. And dating apps specifically. Yeah, yeah. Dating apps and like Instagram have like made it. So people think there are so many options to go get dick and balls and pussy. Like the people I'm seeing myself reject. I'm like, this is insane. I'm like, well, you're rejecting like hot chicks because.

Yeah, you're 100%. Well, I used to go crazy because I used to always be like when I was, I used Tinder before I was in a relationship and I would always go oh, I'll just like every single girl and then I'll filter through it later. It's not really kind of mean

because you're giving people hope. I mean, they get... Lots of women get lots of matches that they never look at, you know, it's not a huge deal. But then I realized, like, hi! Yeah, then somebody told me,

this is how fucked up and psychotic I am. Then somebody told me what happens is it bases you, attractiveness based off how many people you reject. which is actually accurate. Like I've begun on Bumble and only swiped left on people for like, I don't know, 21, and then it starts boosting me.

Like, I start getting likes. So now it's psychotic, but I'll just not look at my phone because if I look at them, I'll be like, I have to. So I'll just swipe no on 10 and then just wait in the fucking boost. It's crazy. You know you'll swipe right on them? Yeah, because I'm like, oh, but what if she's so pretty? And then I'll be like, yeah, well, if she's pretty, she's pretty.

When you're on Tinder, do you have the mode of, like, most time you're mindlessly scrolling and, like, girls are mostly like, even their profiles don't really say anything about them. And then you find the one profile with like a killer bio and you just fall in love and you're like, please swipe right on me. Like I want this so bad. Well, the one thing that's into is so many fakes. Yeah, for sure.

And the hard thing is I can't tell if these are Russian women or bots because the way they talk. They're like, you grab a drink with me. And I'm like, okay, to be fair, this woman is from Russia. So it's very possible. This is how she said. In New York, there's probably a lot of immigrants who are not the greatest in typing. Yeah, I think I've just been. English.

beautiful Russian women because I think they're bots because I'm like, learn the language see on. Go back to Poland. Whatever stupid name you have. They have the coldest,

dude, I had the hottest Russian cut my hair the other week and they have the coldest stairs. Yeah. I'm not the first one to observe that, but it was crazy.

I think it is a cultural thing in Russia, right? They can't show their emotions. Yeah, they're a stoic. Lex Friedman says that of like, it's like, yeah,

but I think he's just an autistic retard. It's like everybody in my country. But I did hear that. Just like a fucking limo driver all the time. That is the most, I don't know, throw like a fun little flower tie on. Do you something with expression. He does dress like a limo driver. Yeah, it's fucking stupid.

I hate that. I really don't like that. He's got the least like. He's like, he's like so like neutral to me. Like, he's not, there's not much. That's why I don't like, I like, I like, I like Ben Shapiro more than him because Ben Shapiro gives me an emotion. Oh, he gives me a negative emotion. Totally.

Totally. And I hate him. And his voice is like so grading. But like, once he dropped that rap video last week, I was like, oh, that was sick. Patty's literally like, this is a gift from God. This is so incredible. My pockets are fatter than Lizzo. Yeah, yeah.

My pockets are Lizzo. They're fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm spitting these straight facts. It's so funny, like, a year ago, he was like, rap is not music. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you make rap, you're not a musician. It's not real.

And that was, like, with Tom McDonald. I love Tom McDonald. I love him so much. I do. I do. And it's so many, too, because, like, a year ago, I was talking about, I'm like, he's got a fun. He's hilarious. But then, like.

I'm so not there with him, dude. It's the Canadian. that's awesome dude he's Canadian and he's like what happened to a Patriot today bitch you're not from here it's Jordan Peterson too it's Jordan Peterson it's the other guy Stephen Crowder also Canadian they're all Canadian I have gotten hyped on Patriots and just quick we're gonna get back to this okay go ahead

but I was hitting on this girl at a bar and she was like in college or something like that and not something like that she was in college he was in high school she was in college middle school something she starts talking about she's like I'm from Miami. I was like, oh, fuck yeah. The beaches there are sick. And she's like, no, the beach is there. She's like, Florida sucks. And I was like, first off, no, it's the best state ever.

I was like, you defend your state. I got like, really, I was like, I hate people like that. Dude, I'm like, what do you talk about? Yeah, and she's like, no, I don't like Florida. I'm like, the beaches are sick. Miami's sick. She's like, the beaches aren't as good as the DR. She's like, I kind of hate America. The DR. Yeah, yeah. I was like, I'm not going to get stabbed by a guy on a four-wheeler. Yeah, yeah. Instead of a guy on a moped who's going to shoot you in the face in the DR. What you're talking about? You're going to get

fucking people going to throw plantains at you to death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am. We are diminishing a whole country too. Well, because I love America. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a crazy. I got so patriotic. I was like, this country's fucking, and I'm like, why am I yelling into 20? I'm not yelling, but I was like getting a little

I was like, this is a great fucking country. I'm turning into such a old guy. You just got to twist it into like, we're great because of diversity. Yeah. That's how I always twist it with like, how many Chinese people are in the Dominican Republic. Yeah. Zero.

How are we going to stop Asian hate it? There's none of them there. You're like, oh, wait, shit, it's awesome. It's awesome. Damn it, it's awesome. How many Jews are in? Oh, fuck, that sounds awesome. The greatest of Brazil is filled with Japanese guys.

You know that? Because of Jiu-Jitsu? I don't know. I have no idea why. It's the most Japanese people outside of Japan are in Brazil. Whoa. I wonder why. The giant Jesus.

They're horny for those big Brazilian booty. I know. They're so excited about what's it called Carnival. Oh, yeah, yeah. Shaking their sweet Brazilian babubis. Babooboobis. But no, I do agree that if someone, because I knew so many people like that in college, especially the Florida thing, where it's like America, whatever, you fucking politics or whatever,

but it's like the idea of being like Florida stinks. It's like, I feel like you're just going to hate wherever you are. Or they would hate wherever they're from. You know what I mean? Like, odds are. Like unless you're from like objectively amazing, unless you're like Parisian or something, then it's like, what are you, like, what are you talking about? And a lot of it, too, is like, some people.

people like, I feel like, weren't cool in high school, so now they hate their hometown. But I'm like, that has nothing to do with your hometown. Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah. They're like, yeah, everybody there sucks. Everybody lives there. I was like, okay, well, there's people outside of the people

who went to high school with. I'm sure, like, go to, like, a different bar that you don't have to go to your local bar every time you go there. Yeah, I mean, you'd have to really be from an awful place. People do that with fucking Orlando, though. All the time you were like, oh, am I going to go back to the porch or fiddlers and see everybody from high school?

I'm like, no, there's thousands of other bars. There's really a magical castle. You can drink down the street from it. You're going to know nobody in Kissimmee. Go to the theme parks. Just drink people there. Fuck a tourist. There's so many options.

Yeah, no. There's things about Florida that are objectively great. I guess if you're like liberally minded and you come from like a more northern part of Florida where it's like all. If you're from like the woods and you're like a Jewish liberal from the woods who just like through horrible, like, you know, circumstances you just got surrounded by like fucking. racist crazy rednecks. Then you can be like, okay, well, that, but it's one thing to say, that's what I mean, if you're from Boca Raton, it's like, really? Just Florida suck ass.

It's also like so much of the country is just like, I don't know, most of the places are very similar, very normal. Most people are decent, you know, like fundamentally. Like a medium-sized town in Iowa is probably like, there's probably some awesome people there. Oh, for sure. And if you went to high school there, you could have made friends with the cool people. and when you come back, you see the cool people.

It's like, what are you talking about? Yeah, yeah. It's on you. It's like you said, it's on you. It's like, you're probably an asshole who no one likes. And then you go to your hometown and everyone's like, there's that asshole. Yeah. I mean, I think it's a healthy perspective, too, appreciate where you came from.

But I definitely think it's way better to, like, go see other places and live. Oh, yeah, totally. Yeah. The reasonable thing is in the middle where you're like, yeah, there's certain parts that suck. And I don't really jive with all the people there. But, oh, there's, you know, my family's there and I love them. and I love these people who I went to high school with I still keep in touch with. Like that's like the normal

thing. Yeah, well, because people always pull that up about like Florida. They're like, well, do Santis. I was like, yeah, but like you can say it about so many fucking places. You could be like, yeah, fucking Brazil sucks because it, I mean, I don't know other government, but I'm sure. Yeah, I'm sure they're not, I'm sure they're totally not corrupt. You know, they're like, oh

Columbia's the best. I'm like, yeah. Great. Can't think of anything they do. That's horrible. America's actually the only place with like a bad history. Yeah, I know, I know. It's like, wherever your country's fond. I mean, not that... Dude, we're turning to some Tom McDonald's. Whatever happened to the American flags.

I also love... I love my favorite thing they do is they get so hyped to say there's two genders. They're like, just fucking wait until I tell these libs that there's two... They're like, wait for it. They're going to lose their money. They're like, there's only two genders. Ah!

And like, nobody's responding to it at all. Well, their whole brand is that like they're pretending that everyone is really mad at them. Yeah, yeah. Nobody can. Everything's hilarious. At this point, they care way more about there being two genders than anyone are. arguing that there's two genders. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you're still on that?

Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. That's the whole thing with Canada. It's 2016 talk. That's why these Canadian people are so cringed because they're like... The culture wars is five years behind. They're five years behind.

Honestly, they're like, dude, the Matrix just came out. Yeah. They're watching like old movies. They're like, holy shit, dude. George Bush is the worst. Yeah, that fucking redneck idiot in charge. It's like a Green Day song. Like...

Dude, I don't. I listened to some American Idiot the other day. What a great album. Were you listening earlier to, Do you know your enemy? Do I love their cringy, awful, shitty music, ironically, and their good music is good. I'm like, this is like a perfect band.

Like, if you want to listen to something terrible, you can. If you want to listen to something kind of cool, you can't do. Yeah, because, like, American Idiots, like, in my opinion, like, genuinely. I have bad taste and everything, but it is, it is, like, a good album. No, it's really good. Like, it's, like, one of the first, last, like, rock operas where it's like, it's a rock. opera it also came out like it's such a bush era millennial uh you know pain album it's like

for everyone who listened to this when if they were 18 in like 2003 it just like it's just like in their soul like it's just what they're like it's every cringy like doggo millennial now like that's where they're like gay liberal rage came from and you're like oh this is like such a perfect snapshot into the psyche of like a 38 year old man who's like a complete dork now. Yeah, yeah. That's a great point. I love it.

Every generation has some of those, I guess. There's any music movement always, I mean, I can't even tell you how many people are probably just ashamed of what they looked like when like the scene phase was like a thing. Oh yeah, like scene. Yeah, like Rort Tour emo with like a Falling Universe shirt. The EDM thing hasn't hit yet.

Like I still notice of people that are like posted pictures with them were like covered in beads. Yeah, like a pass-fire in their mouth. We're like 30 years old. Yeah. Well, them being old, I think inevitably though, like the scene emo thing is always going to be more embarrassing than like you're looking really hot and like rave gear like that is true too because a lot of times like you look back at raves you're like yeah there's a bunch of chicks with huge asses yeah and it's a great and that's a whole point of like warped tour was like we're alternative and like invaders in we're like gay nerds who get picked on like that's the whole thing and then it wasn't it wasn't like a lot of work tours just people bang on 17 year olds most of the musicians yeah yeah yeah there was one that's like it's the worst thing you've ever heard. It's like 12 year olds. He's like DMing and it's like, I think it was

Broken Side was a little. I, yeah. They are so bad. Dude, Broken Side is some of the worst music I've ever heard. It's like beautifully horrible. Yeah, yeah. I do really like really awful. There's very few of those bands for me that hold up at all.

Dude, my chemical romance. Oh yeah. That's even, that's like the father of the They're like the greatest. I hate it. I thought it was gay when I was younger and then I went through this breakup and I'm like, These guys are fucking... I mean, it is gay. It is totally gay, but it's awesome. No, I think it's in, like, the Blink 22

category. Like, everybody loves it. That's true. But it's more emo than that, so it's, like, more, like, cringy. No, I think... Insteadically, they do, the black parade is so crazy. Blankightly 2 is around for longer.

It's, like, the Blanky's music, like, they're doing, like, spring break in 2000, which is, like, that's very mainstream, and that's everybody... I think the music of... The music of Maccombe of Romance holds up way more than, like, what is it, the...

dropped apple juice, like that song, I think... Wait, what are you talking about? It's a beautiful song about suicide. Oh, it's great. You shut the fuck up. What Adam's song? Yeah. I love that song.

No, no, no, no, no. Now you realize you're gonna ganged up on it. You're like, oh, yeah. You're just making a point that you like... I've been to emo night multiple times. I fucking love Blink Winogany2. I'm saying Black Parade as an album is like a masterpiece kind of, and Blink One 82 is like a fun, you know.

Yeah, that's true. It's fun. I'm talking about killing you think suicide's fun. Yeah, you think Adam's song is fun. All right, I don't want to argue against us around. I want you to call up on the phone and tell them what you said. It was a Friday night. See, yeah, that's a good one.

I think them being serious to me, I'm like, come on. I get that. I kind of get that. What's my age again? It's kind of like, ah, I'm never going to grow up. And then the next ones are like. Well, let's see, he's admitting to his own immaturity.

And he's sort of, he's self-deprecating and self-conscious about it. He's not, like, thrilled about being, everyone hates you when you're 23. It's, like, sad. Yeah. Yeah, but it's lit, dude. No, it's great. It's a wonderful song. I'm just saying, like, he's not like,

I'm never going to grow up. The Stahel's not on Sodomeney. No, yeah, it's just like, he prank calls his girlfriend, who's like, you're a piece of shit. Like, you know, like, they hate him. Like, he's hated for it. There's an irony and he's aware of it, though.

Yeah, of course. It's very funny, but it's also very self-aware and not praising these qualities. Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm just flashing back. I'm just flashing back up to Saturday night. I got drunk. and I was in an Uber just blaring, feeling this, watching like a live.

I was like, oh, yeah. I was like, dude, fucking a boat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, dude, if I was at that 2004, Jimmy Kimmel show. Smile fades in the summer. That's all fucking bops. That's a great one.

Yeah, no, Blinkwainty to Rocks. So my point is, you're dead wrong. I'm, you cannot convince me that I don't like, that I like. That's not what I'm trying to say. say, I'm just saying you're, like, biased and you like My Chemical Romance more, but that doesn't mean it's objectively better. You're trying to claim that one band is objectively better than the other. That's fair.

I mean, listen. I don't even know where it started. I just, I just like... It started by me. You know, I want to beat his ass. Sorry. I'm saying, yeah, well, I don't know. Blink 282 is a fun man. You guys are right. They are more fun. I do not want to be placed in the side of Blank 28. I'm just saying,

I think it originally came from Mike Hemmer Romance being called gay, which I will defend. Yeah, but it's cringier than Blink 182, I think. Yeah. All right, well, there you go. I don't think so. They like, I cut myself.

No, that's not it. I'm a dark, I'm a dark fucking angel. Black parade's about like deep themes, like cancer. It's about what? Deep themes and deep themes and deeps. Deep themes and deeps.

The black parades, there's a black ass that are coming to fuck you. No, you know what? I'm actually, I might switch sides to Joe with. I mean, black parade is like, it's got, you know, all these songs about like cancer and it's like. The poetry's better.

Yeah. And I think a lot of that stuff holds up and it does get lumped in with the scene band. Yeah, Helena is such like a genius beautiful song and you're like, yeah, this isn't exactly like, you know, I took around on a very first date. Yes, yes, I'll, I'll, I'll, okay,

it has more death. It has more death. Adam's song is a really deep song. That's true. That's one. That's one. But my conformance is a lot of deep song. Both, I actually, where are you? My compilance is more gay. They are more gay. Blink 1082 definitely slams more pussy. Yeah, yes, 100%. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, But my concoma romance is sad. But yeah.

Yeah, but they have more dark teams, deep beans. But chicks with cuts on their wrists are more likely to suck your penis. No way, no way. If you let no, if you say you fuck with like my comical romance, that holds way more weight with all chicks. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. Yeah, those women also hold more weight. Whereas I think both of those bands do, though, fall into a category, but Blink22 way more so of, it doesn't even matter how corny they ever were perceived is now everybody loves them. Yeah, it's true.

Because you play a Blink22 song, everybody knows the words. the opposite. I think when Blinkley 2 came out, it was more, like, I don't know. When it came out, it kind of has, like, a recurrence. Yeah, because my cousin was, like, in college. He was probably in, probably like in ninth grade when Blink 282 came out. And when he was in college, all he'd played was Blinkly 2, he's like, this is what the, he was like in a fraternity. And they're like, Blake 22 is sick, dude. And when I think there, even then it was like, like, it's in the American Pie movies and they're like drinking beers and they're like, yeah.

We're going to get fucking boys. And I think that was at an era, I don't know when this ended where you could hear more alternative music, like, as like, just on the radio. And that's when everybody was listening to the radio. Yeah, the radio just went away. And so now there's not like... That was the other thing I was going to say, like, there's no mainstream culture to, like, get into anymore.

It's all a niche. Everything is just stratified into a million niches. Dude, my favorite one is there's limb biscuits going on tour with the most interesting thing. So I love limb biscuit. I love limb biscuit.

And you know what? Can't say they're gay. They're pretty sick. They're straight as hell. They're really cool. Straightest bands. Doesn't mean they're good. They're aggressively.

Stretor as sexual. Limp Biscuit. Hosting the show is Riff Raff. It's a tour. Oh my God. One of the openers is Corey Feldman. So lit.

This is like the fucking toilet tour. It's actually called Luserville. Is it really? Oh my God. Dude, it's the poopy farty dumb dumb show. That sucks so much ass. I would love to go.

Yeah, I'm going so bad. And then there's another guy who actually is, I think, a good musician. This guy named Nate Noface, who is this guy, he's like this Cholo... Is he like a scary rapper? Synth punk. Oh, yeah. So it's like, oh, da, blah, bad, but it's like 80s going, beep, beep, beep. I fucking love it.

I don't know what it is. When are you going to see them? They're going to, I think they're going to like Tampa in like August. I think I do want to see it. Yeah, too. I'm so down. Let's make a... Let's take Molly.

Yeah. Dude, I would love... I will say this, Molly Madonna. That would have been the best decision for me. Awesome, dude. It's a total rave vibe. I want to go see Riff Raff, though. I heard he absolutely sucks ass live.

Whoever told you that, should literally take a gun and shove it down the hook. Because of that, C. Can we just take a moment to find out who this is? It was that Hannibal Burris bit. really you know remember he talks about like he plays his own music and just like kind of vibes along with it yeah well i think he does a thing where he plays his own i don't really like talking shit about commas but i hope something horrible in the next couple months because he's just wrong and he's rapping now and i doubt it's as good as riffraps probably not i think i think hannibal's good i heard i think he was the guy they're making up lies about great musicians they had him come out as mf doom i think in like the mask and everybody was freaking out He does kind of look like him.

You know what he's back from the dead? No, this is before. Oh, okay. Yeah, but, no, I saw him at Mad Decent Block Party and it was one of the best performances. He came like two hours later. They're like, we don't know where riffraff is. Of course. He's always late.

Oh, yeah. Of course. He's cultural appropriating. But he comes out and is, dude, I've seen, as of now, by the way, seen the Rolling Stones. I've seen Madonna. I've seen Robert Plan of Led Zeppelin. All these are so past their prime when you saw them.

Yeah. Okay, that's fair. That is fair. Rift rap was incredible. Like, just fucking put on a show. I'd be there. I was a fuck ton of drugs. My brain was fried now.

I would love to see. You're just watching it on TV. Drugs. You're like, dude, it's so. Dude, he's a crazy. He's two hours late. Dude, he used to stuff like, tiptoeing in my Jordans.

And I was like, oh, what a fucking cheat. Tiptoeing of my Jordans. Dude, did he do cocaine? I love that song. She brought out to rice. We were down to play. We were up on a lot. on cocaine.

That's a great song. It's like a weird country rock song that's in the middle of... It's great. I am getting Cornrose again. I'm very excited. I got one complaint about it and I just ignored it.

From whom? A guy, I don't want... Some guy was like... Someone told me that I really like the guy who's very nice. He's like, I'll be honest. He goes, I really didn't like that video.

And I was like, I posted it knowing some people wouldn't like it. Interesting. I mean, it was funny as fuck. Yeah, yeah. I need to know who it is. You can tell me later. I don't want a shit talk.

But it was funny because I went outside and there was like four other black comics They were like, dude, we were just laughing about that corner You can do that immediately I mean, you doing it is Yeah, I don't have to defend your... No, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you get it. Yeah, yeah. It's a silly, it's a... You're being a silly guy. Oh, yeah, but I will do it for longer. No, you're gonna like lean into it and just be riffrax. Yeah, dude, it's awesome.

You gotta get a pet of marijuana and fucking, dude, that would be so sick. You're just wearing basketball jerseys. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah, I like this idea. Raptors, like, holographic. I would look so sick. Flash.

Yeah, you're in black face. The funniest thing about that is people are, like, coming up to me now, they're like, when did you cut your hair? Like, you were thinking of- What happened? And it's annoying, too, because I lost a lot of weight since then, and there's no way of me showing that online with, like, I would never, I would never...

Just flex, dude. There's no fucking way I'm doing that. Just be shirtless and flex. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I always want to make a video, like... The video came out recently, me with Cornrose. I want you going to know this is a very long time ago. I've lost weights since.

I'm a lot thinner and I just wanted to let everyone know. Yeah. I will be growing out my hair to do cornrows again. It's very soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that rules, dude.

Yeah. I want to get coroneros. I'd look crazy. Yeah. Red-ass cornrows. Oh, dude, it look fucking sick. I'd look like the guy from metal oclips, you are.

I don't know what that is. That's the one of those TV show. Yeah. Do you guys have a lot of... Hamble Burr said that sucked. Do you guys have a lot of humiliating things that you posted when you were, like, a teenager

or, like, middle school? Oh, dude. I post. It's the N-word. Absolutely. Absolutely. It's a picture of Obama. It's still there.

It was up for way too long. It was soft day, but it was up for way too long. I posted so much dumb shit. My old Facebook status are hilarious stuff. They're like, bitch, make me a sandwich. It was all really sexist. But it was a lot of me, like, women with your high-waisted shorts, you look fucking stupid.

Yeah, thankfully, I wasn't on social media. until I was like 20. Yeah, no, I don't think I had that bad of stuff. Definitely some of the scene kid emo, emo shit, was a little cring. Oh, did you post like, you know, I will say, I did post one time, well, I guess this is growing up. No, no, I was never, I was never, like, like, like, sad boy shit. It was more like the aesthetic of, like, pictures of me with my hair and shit. But I remember that there were dudes that would post, like, a black Snapchat screen and be like, nobody even cares.

or like... It's always the hood dudes. I always have dudes like, I'll be stacking money every fucking day. And the next thing is like, you can't trust any. Never trust a woman.

Yeah, I do like that about black people. Yeah. I actually, I have a white guy in mind. I feel like I do love like just like motivational like black guy posts.

Oh yeah. It's just some guy you know and like he's just posting a, it's like a blurry, crappy picture of him and it's like a lot of 100 emojis. Yeah. And just like,

I keep it 100. I will never stop this grind. I never, you know, and you're like, I know that who you are and this is as a make. Yeah.

It's like, did you sell insurance? A little bit deepest hell. Like perception creates reality. Yeah, yeah. And then he's like, anyway, I'm getting into real estate.

Yeah. All right. I'm a real estate guy now. No, I remember, I was just, one just popped in my head. I remember, because I was really gay

in the fact that I would post like song lyrics. Like, I got grounded one time. I'm like in too deep. Like my son. somebody goes Sum 41 I go no me inside your mom you rock

you're the man fucking rules everybody's fucking mom dude not mine no no actually me and Michael Tech team your mom yeah dude Eiffel Tower

that was a guy that you did that too we did to blink 182 yeah well I guess this is growing yeah this is growing yeah yeah

stink 182 yeah stink one stink one gaities yeah one 80 pooh. Stink one gaity poo. Green gay.

Nice, too. My chemical chode ranch. Chode ranch? Guy chemical romance. No, guy chemical chode rants. Oh, man. That was good.

Yeah, that's nice, dude. Yeah, me and Michael did have sex with him. That's really, really not. Yeah, it's fucking so great. You guys didn't do that. I put my dick in her ass. And then Michael put his dick also in her ass. Yep.

Our dicks rubbed together. Yeah, it's crazy. Because she likes it so much. I don't even care. I don't care what's gay or what. I just care about coming. I just wanted two dicks in there. I was like, this is wild.

And she was like, yeah. There's so many midway double teaming girl. This is crazy. Dude, I can't believe we're all doing that. And we're all dead sober. Clean sober. It was like 2 p.m. on a Wednesday. She took the day off work.

I was actually sharper than normal. I took a caffeine pill. Yeah, me too. I had an espresso. Yeah, yeah. I've been taking Lions main, too, to stay on top of it. Yeah, I've been doing like Neutropics Alpha Brain. For what I fuck your mom in the ass.

So I really want to get lasered in, focused. I'm just a kid. Simple man. I hate this town. It's so washed up. I think I was after you guys. You were listening to Data Remember? Gator Remember.

Yeah, no. It was gay to remember. Anyone who remembers it's so gay. August, what is it? August. All time. His head. August,

August, Kiss Head is weird. You know what it is weird that? Orlando has like a weird like every time I go to Oh yeah, there's so many.

They're playing that kind of music. Well, there's a lot of those guys are from Central Florida. Yeah, Gator remembers from Central Florida. All time low is from Central Florida. Yes, sir, baby. Everybody from Tampa?

All time low is when I fucked his mom. This is the lowest point of my life. That was for her. For us, it was awesome. Yeah, she's a fucking... Let's somebody be ragged that guy. It's so much more fun than that girl had sex

so much. She has no idea how to have a good time. Yeah, your mom's kind of a fucking slut. You guys never did this. You guys never fucked my mom and I don't appreciate you. Yeah, well, you can live

whatever reality you want to live in, but the reality of Earth of the real universe, we fucked your mom hard. On opposite day. Yeah, we didn't fuck her on opposite day. On opposite day, we fucked her mouth. Yeah, and I pulled out.

You suck. Woo! We're back on top, baby. Yeah. It's a bit that is just the peak of podcast. Yeah, it's never going to get better than that. No, never. No, never, never at all.

We really should. We have eight minutes, but we really should have just ended there. Yeah, that would be a highlight. No, I actually cut that. Yeah, there's a lot we got to cut. My mom's going to listen to this. Yeah. Dude, I don't people have been pulling that shit recently.

they're like, my mom was like, Wolfgang on. He's like, he's like, yeah, dude, can we get the part about with me,

like, doing like, my mom. I was like, you're, what? No, I hope to God

my mom's never heard. He's like, his joke racist? Dude, that happened with my mom where she heard that, like, um,

like, the idea, like, because Luke kisses his mother and his father. He's Italian. Because he's Italian. And I'm like,

that's disgusting. Like, the idea of doing that disgust me. And then I told the story that, like, my mom wasn't going to see me for a while, so she saw me off to the airport, like, a few months ago, and she gave me a kiss on the cheek, and I was like, bleh. And I told that story on my podcast, and mom was like, what the hell?

She was like, that was my secret special kiss, too. And then she was like, what the hell? You got assing got fucked in your ass? Luke had sex with me? That's the next thing you talked about. A mom who thinks of every podcast. And then she, now she will see me and be like, like, like, to. rub it in my face. I'm like, get away, my meat.

No, the worst thing my dad did is made an Instagram. Made an Instagram. So he could have watched my stand-up. But essentially, yeah, it's him, all of my stand-up. Like, a large percentage of it is just about, like, fucking my dad. Kissing my dad, and he's like, Joe, why are you being so gay about me on your... Is there

something you want to tell me? Yeah, he's like, is there something you want to do later? Yeah, that's funny. It's like, my dad, I have a joke about fucking him. And then he's someone he always brings up. I was like, I hate this. No, he loves it. It's all, like, he'll be like, oh, like, I had

the show go, I was like, good. I was like, he's like, did you do that joke about fucking me? You know? That's hilarious. Like, he thinks it's funny. Yeah, yeah. My dad says he doesn't like the drug talk in the podcast. But it's also under-exaggerated sometimes. Huh? Sometimes it's under-exaggerated. Sometimes I'll be

I barely do blow. Yeah, I'll like, yeah, no, I only take, like, that prescription I'm prescribed like once a month. yeah, I've just accepted that I do pills I know that sounds like I'm like a pill guy yeah

because it's like all right I was put on Adderall when I was like fucking in third grade yeah I do less pills than I used to but I still do pills

sober from third grade yeah yeah it's like I take Adderall here and there this is the truthful thing I take Kalanapin twice a week a very small amount to go to sleep or something

yeah yeah yeah but that it still is doing drugs Yeah, I mean, but it's as prescribed if you're just like, I can't sleep and I need to sleep, so I'll take like a half a klani. Yeah, that's not a huge deal. That's true. I've taken it and drank and I mixed it with it. How often do you daddy? Probably twice a month.

Oh, it's not. But it's a really small amount. I guess I don't use pills. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's a couple of your pill day. Don't say that. Well, I just added up the dates. It's funny because, like, I got prescribed colonnipin when I was like 22.

And I was like, yeah, they were like, this will be for a short period of time. And then you add the math up and I'm like, I've been doing cloud up for six years. I've taken six months off before, but I'm like, that's still crazy, this thing that I was supposed to take a very... Are you just having panic attacks? You just got to pop one of them? Mostly sleeping.

But it becomes a very easy sleep tool because you go... Oh, yeah, because it knocks you the fuck out. Yeah, yeah, you're like, I could just try to go to sleep without this, or I could just take this and wake up early. Like, in your mind, like, could actually be unproductive for me to try to sleep without drugs.

I, like, had some Xanax before, like, I had all this Xanax lying around, and I would only take it, like, for when I was having a panic attack, but I would try to muscle it out and whenever like it would like the anxiety wouldn't subside and I took the Xanax

I was like why did I not just do that? Yeah you don't give a fuck. Dude it's like you go from being so scared you go from me I was like scared for my life about nothing and I take a fucking milligram of Xanax and I'm like life is so good. Yeah life is great. It's an immediate change of perspective.

Dude it's so fast and I was like what was I worried about that was ridiculous. Yeah well it's just love it. It's great. It's so great to just not give a fuck about anything. Yeah, but I don't like it to, like, do it, like,

recreationally, I will say. I like that's really bad to mix with, like, alcohol, right? Yeah. It's like an immediate blackout. I did that. Great combination. It's very fun. Isn't it like an immediate blackout?

No, people exaggerate. I drank it on X and I remember almost every single time. Yeah, well, you just need to know that is, one beer is like two or three. Yeah, you just have to do more math like that. I've just had friends who were, like, barheads that, like, oh, yeah. And then would, like, wake up and they're just on the highway.

Yeah. If you're like a bar freak, you're probably taking like three, four milligrams of Xanax and drinking like seven beers. It's like, yeah, you're going to black out. But if you have like half a milligram of Xanax and three beers, you're probably, you're probably, you might, you might black out, but it's unlikely. I've been thinking about microdosing recently. Microdosing Zanz? No. Like acid and stuff, I've been listening to, I think Pete Holmes said he, like, he's microdose.

And I'm like, he makes it not a confound. And then whenever I've done it is kind of like a mood lifter. Have you ever taken like old microdose before you go out? No. Like before you start drinking and you just get a little kick of some shrooms, it's the best. No, I ain't stupid. I fucked your mom. No, no, no, no.

I never microdosed. No, I don't like, I think microdosing is good in the extent that it's like, oh, you should do less drugs. But it's not good in the sense that like I'm going to do shrooms every single day and say it's like better for me. Yeah, I've never done it every day. If you're taking like 0.1 of a gram, like it's like imperceptible. Yeah, that's kind of the thing is you don't feel it. The whole point is that you're... But if you don't feel it, then you obviously feel it.

It's probably like placebo half of it. It's like a mood lifter, but it's... I'm just against, for the most part, unless you have like schizophrenia or like extreme depression, I'm against taking one drug every day. Because I think your brain does... I personally need a break from like people that are like, for a month I took a little bit of shrooms every day.

I'm like, that still... I don't think it's good for your brain to always take a little bit of something different. Maybe. I mean, it's probably fine. I mean, I'm on any depression, so I take those every day. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. I think it depends on the person now. Yeah.

Like, it's everybody, like, it's everybody, like, for some people, like, like, I think, I don't know if there's been enough research for that to be, like, you should micro-dose shrooms every day versus, like, SSRIs. Yeah, but it is, like, definitely not going to kill you, you know? Like, nothing's going to happen. Yeah, and I don't know how, I mean, when I talk about microdosing, it's just, like, when I have it. I've never had, like, a steady flow of shrooms or acid to be able to do it every day. I also think, like, if your, like, options are, like, Xanax or mushrooms, you should do

mushrooms. Totally. I think there's people like that. But I think there's a lot of other drugs that. Like it's like if there's one guy with like mushrooms or zanics like well there's also like 400 other like they're also so different in terms of hardness like Yeah. X is like a party drug where his streams is not a party drug. I've also

I've been blacking out without X Yeah I'll black out by myself by my damn self I've also accepted this I'm okay with it with blacking out because I'm a pill guy I blacked out Because I really looked at it.

I used to blackout, go, what did I do? And now I go, you know what? I blacked enough times, blacked out enough times, and nothing bad happens. And I'm comfortable with myself blacking out. I'm like, that's just what happens. And I'm a chill guy if I'm there or not. Video goes viral of Michael naked with cornrows running on the train tracks. He's driving a taxi on the railroad.

I'm riffraff. No, I would never black out. And I got really drunk recently, but that was more of like, I was still pretty aware I had most of my memories and my roommate said the next day that in the middle of the night he heard me to leave my room

and just go like, I don't fucking know. I like, I don't know what to do. And then I went back to my room and I'm like, yep, zero memory. You just have poop all down your pants. I'm just in my underwear

in the hallway in the dark, just like, I don't fucking, to the wall. So that scared me a little bit where I was like, I have no memory. And I was initially like that.

I was scared for a very long time. Eventually I was just like, oh, yeah, I don't do anything that crazy. Especially, like, when I was in a relationship, I was worried that a blackout, and she'd on my girlfriend, which never happened. Yeah. And now I don't have a girlfriend, so I'm like, what's the worst case? I black out and... Fuck a guy.

Fuck, I was sure I remembered that. I go back... I go back to my dad. I'm like, can we have to talk? He's like, we already had to talk. I'm like, yeah, but can we have the talk about when you get drunk and fucking... What do I do? Oh, I knew this day would come.

You're like, fire up the boat. son this is boat talk now blacking out like I did it a couple times in college but I never did anything like really that bad other than once I was mean to my friends and I was trying to sleep and they kept waking me up

and I was like shut up and then another time I just threw up in the corner of my room and I woke up with like a splatter of a puk splatter in the corner of my room yeah see I think I think this is I think, too, in high squad blackout and do stupid stuff.

Like, I remember, like, a lot of stupid stuff went to Monster Jam. That's awesome. Not in a blackout. I planned, but I did a bunch of bad stuff. Blackout at Monster Jam. Yes. And you're just cuts to Michael.

Driving. Driving. He's like, oh God, I'm in Grave digger. I got Grave digger guys. Yeah, the real stupid thing you do in Blackie is get in the mic and go, more like, Grave. Yeah.

Watch his front flip, bitch. They respected me for it. And that's how he became the king of Martin. Yeah, I think there's enough people yelling the inward at Monster Jam. It would just drown out. That's why they have the trucks so loud. The loud.

They're not that guy's yelling the Edward. So you can scream the inward. But when you, Black, I, but when you, Black, out you can't have sex, can you? Because you're peep, you won't get hard. You've never heard of blue chew. It's amazing. It's literally like, I think Viagra might be one of the greatest inventions in the world. As someone who... You know how the amount of lives

that have actually been created from Viagra. This is a genuine question. A couple of rapes have a problem from it. It wouldn't it, but... As someone who who doesn't have penis problems, like, I don't have a hard time getting it up, but I do come pretty fast. Yeah, yeah. Is it bad for me as a non-problem?

Will you come and then you... It stays hard? you can so it comes and there you come it's not a separate it comes it comes and then

you kind of like I've had it where I've had a refraction period of like 10 minutes yeah I can get it goes down a little bit I pee

and then I can come back and throw it on if you take a lot of it so but it will it make me last longer and be and I don't think I've had mixed experiences

there is a thing I heard Stavros talking about I think I kind of agree with it there is a thing where sometimes if you take a lot of it

you're dick has so much blood to pump me do that actually is weirdly less sensitive than in the sense. There's like a nothing to do it. Yeah, that makes sense. But also you should use those condoms. You come too bad? Do you use condoms? No, because I don't come at all.

Oh, yeah, because you're... Yeah, so nothing comes out. What's the concern with coming too fast? Oh, just so my girlfriend is not dissatisfied. But the... One thing I will brag is not to brag or anything, but I was talking to my roommate yesterday about like I never have

trouble getting hard as in like I can have sex like five times in a day. Jesus. Whereas my roommate is like, yeah, I can't, I can't go around three and like stay hard. Yeah, well, I wonder if some of that is you just like, I wonder if like if there's no come in your body, your body's still ready to be horny. I'm also just not that horny. I don't know how people are this horny. Dude, I wish I was not.

If I have sex one time and I'm like, I'm good for 36 hours. No, yeah. Yeah, if I'd bust, I'm like, yeah, let's go to bed, let's watch a movie. I'm not fucking round too. It's ridiculous. Well, then you watch the movie and you're like next to each other and you're like, oh, there you is. You sound like a really healthy relationship. I go, good night.

Because I would like that at the beginning of a relate. I mean, I'm still pretty early, but so maybe my dick will stop getting hurt at the side of her. It's less that. It's a pulse by her body. It's less dad. She's like, you've just seen the person so much that it's, yeah, yeah. Well, I don't even think that's my help too. I feel like I'm not, I don't know how people do these round.

I mean, round two is like really pushing it. I think being in a long-distance relationship, too, probably helps with, like, we only see each other, like, once or twice a month. So when we do, it's like, you know, we're trying to get as much in as we can. Whereas maybe if we, like, live together, it would be a little different. I guess I've been in a long distance for a while, and it was like that at first. And now it's, like, it's just normal. It's like we just have normal sex lives. Yeah, but I think I think maybe you guys are both just less horny people.

I'm not that horny. Yeah, because, like, I feel like you used to have that dog in you. You know, you used to talk about being horny. But relations make you less horny. I like pretty girls. And drugs. Yeah. You think there was a difference after she started the SSRIs that you were less horrid?

Dude, I don't know if it made me less horn. Maybe a little, but not like a ton. Scientifically it's supposed to. Sometimes it kills your sex drive, but it really is just made it so like my peepee has like weird sensitivity. Like it's too.

Would you rather have sex, have to have sex three times a day or never have sex ever again? Three times a day. Oh, okay. The original number was. five, but you already said that was impossible. Five is just insane. If I had to come five times a day,

yeah. I came seven times in a day. Yeah, when you were like 14. Yeah. I did that too long. I came seven times during this conversation. I was like, I was waiting for you guys to be like, depressed.

Dude, I jerked off seven times. Yeah, I did that when I was 13. I remember I had a sick day and I just fucking jacked off all day. Yeah, yeah. Death grip. Yeah, I would give myself death grips. But like, yeah, I mean, Dude, I'm just not...

What a day. I think so. Death grip syndrome. It's a very tight grip, but it's like if you jack your pee-p. too much, you can get death grip syndrome. It sounds like a metal band. It is.

It's about jerking her dick? Death grip? No. They're cool as fuck. Yeah, they rule, dude. I wrap my fingers around my god. It's more like a, like, hardcore rap or like... It's like scary industrial rap.

Okay. We are... Speaking of rap, we are wrapping out. Oh. Thank you to see you, Michael. Thank you, Michael. so much for coming on. Who do you support

in the next election? Trump. Okay, sweet. Third time's a charm. But Rough Week, listen to my podcast called Rough Week, please. You got it, man.

You remember your handle on Instagram? Come on. Come on. Come on, you got it, man. Joe Jack's comedy on Instagram. I produced Rough Week, so I go watch that as well. And watch Get Good.

Boom, Shakalaka. I don't like this. Also, I'm going to the Midwest in March. Oh, hell yeah. Kansas City and Minneapolis in March. So follow me on Instagram, Christian official for that. Fuck yeah. What were you?

And Austin. You didn't get to finish yours. Oh, get good on YouTube. Jake, Jake Rika's channel. It's, it's, I wanted to get a lot of you. Yeah, Jake R-I-C-C-A. We're both in it. Yeah, that is hilarious.

And also, like, it's a lot of Orlando comics. Yeah. Yeah. And Patterson's in it. Jake Rica. David Jolly. those are the most successful people. Yeah.

You'll notice some of locations. Sean Philippe. That'll be fun too. If you're from Orlando, you might be like, oh, that's the ice cream shop. Oh, yeah, there's a lot of stuff. Yeah.

There's a lot of stuff. Yeah. Yeah, fuck it. It is very funny. I like it a lot. Thanks. Thank you guys. I made it.