Morning Good - Pirate Podcast - Episode 250

Episode Date: December 22, 2024

Captain Wright and Paddy Defino join the show for today's episode. They talk about sleeping next to the homies, Austin raves, and stand-up comics making bad movies.Thanks to Captain for coming back on the show. Check him out at his links below and catch him live in Austin, Texas or on the road. Safe travels to Paddy on his move to Florida, this is unfortunately the last Paddy episode in NY, but definitely not the last time he'll be on.Captain Wright is on Instagram @captain.wright and has live comedy out on YouTube as well. Paddy Defino is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and hosts News From Bed on YouTube.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to the morning. Here with Captain Wright. Hey. And Patty Defino. Arr. Arr.

Arr. This is a pirate pod. You might have. if I have the Gucci belt out the whole thing? Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Is that a Gucci belt? Nice Chinese guy. That's a Gucci belt? This is a Gucci belt.

It's, I don't know how it's going with the, the outfit's very, that's like a ski hat my grandpa would wear. It looks like a grandpa would wear. No, no, this is what like an Italian guy would wear. Yeah, I'm going for an Italian ski gravel. That looks like a Wombo belt. Yeah. Wombo.

What's a Wombo belt? From SpongeBob? From SpongeBob. Oh my God. You got to set it to Wombo? Set it to Wombo. The belt said M. and he turned it around.

The whole joke is he said, you got it, because they shrunk themselves. He goes, you got it set to M for Minnie when it should be set to W. Wombo. And then he gets bigger.

It's like an A-Man kind of thing. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. It was just a stupid moment. I never, I actually just realized, I hate Ant-Man. Ant-Man?

I hate Ant-Man. I don't know. Random attack. I don't know what it just, you ever just something comes over you? You're just like, ugh. Like, I don't know.

I brought up. Now I'm like, I hate Paul Rudd. The concept of Ant Man? Dude, like the guy who plays him? Are you about to become a super villain right now? I don't hate Paul Rudd. Okay. And I don't hate the concept of Ant Man.

I hate Paul Rudd as Ant Man. I've never been like an Ant Man fan or anything, but randomly I just thought about that movie. And I'm like, I hate Paul Rudd being whimsical and kind of doing like a little like, what if I was likable and an ant, man. Well, my whole thing is, there was, fucking I hate it. I don't know why, do you. Yeah, there was already a spider.

man and he doesn't become the size of a spider. No. So why is it important that ant man is small? Well, that's all he can do. I guess that's all he can do, yeah. Can he bite people? He should bite people. That's what he should do. Yeah. That's like theoretically he could bite people. Yeah, but he just chooses not. He's not much an

ant then. Can you just get up inside people and get big every time? Yeah. Like every single time. Yeah, but I think it's more like he's like not, he's like one of those kind of like, he's like a very mild anti-hero. Like I think he was like a bank robber and they're like, We got a project for you where you're the good guy. They should have just planted a picnic basket inside of Thanos.

Yeah. And then Ant Man would have been drawn to. Well, then you'd have to get with Yogi Bear, too. That's a whole different movie. That's true. But they're not afraid of doing that. Yeah. And those universe I...

Dude, imagine you're watching Avengers and Yogi Bear comes out. I'll be like, they really... We got company. At the next level, they should buy their rights to literally everything. Yeah, like, Shrek in the Avengers. Yeah, that'd be fucking awesome. It'll be like smash bros. Yeah.

Dude, E.T. Fighting Thanos, I'm so for this. Whoa. But he does it with, like, his heart. I think they'd be friends. Just because they're aliens? Yeah. I don't know.

I picture E.T. somehow. He's so adorable. I think he's a villain arc. Really? Yeah, I think so. E.T. gets on some bad shit. Yeah, yeah. I don't know.

He's like, phone home. Hate juice. And he's like, whoa, E.T. Man, stop. Not cool. What is his fingers, dude? Because doesn't he glow They heal shit

Yeah Okay Because he has Like hurt himself Or something right And then he touches him Yeah Yeah

Yeah Yeah no he's the best Look look I have strong opinions I love ET And I hate Ant Man Yeah And I don't know

It's all just washing over me right now I'm just really feeling ET is just so adorable And lovable I don't know I guess so But someone would say The same thing for Antman

When he gets all small and shit You should be like Ladybug guy That sounds fun. Ladybug guy's fun. I do like ladybug guy. I like ladybug guy.

I dress up like a ladybug costume and I ride like a herbie fully loaded car. That seems so fun. You're like, I'll fuck up your garden. Yeah.

Actually it's lady man. And I fly away with my little wings. That's how it's awesome. Make a wish. Yeah. Yeah. That would be a nice superpower

as people can wish. Yeah. Yeah. I'm fountain guy. Yeah. I have a fountain. I guess. Yeah.

This is how stupid I am. Do you remember those pictures of those little aliens that came out in Mexico that looked just like E.T.? Yeah, there's a real. I believed it so hard until like way afterwards. It looks like when a mother like tries to make a cake of like your favorite thing. Yeah. Yeah. It looked like paper machet.

Yeah. They're holding them up. Yeah, I think I got like legitimate arguments about it. Like I think I was like they're fucking real. No, it was on the news. It was real. Yeah. I think I did shrooms that day too.

We were in Colorado. We were just like, dude, this is fucking. Because they found like eggs inside of them, which, dude, that's going to be so fun to hate, to hoax an alien thing. Yeah. Like, there's so much, I would never do it because I love the topic of aliens too much.

Yeah. To spread misinformation. You know what the feeling it probably is? It's probably the same feeling as when you go up to a baby and jingle keys. Yeah. Same feeling you get. And you're like, I'm too drunk.

You're driving home. Yeah. I got this. Yeah, because you're like, you're like, people are so stupid but so mesmer. But they're sparking,

you're sparking hope. We, you, me and Jake could just go on a camping trip. and completely fabricate an alien story. Yeah. The news. I should, I should be... If I, like, brought a flashlight

and just shined it outside of your tent, you would think it was an alien. Totally. Yeah, I'm fucking retarded when it comes to aliens. What do you think is a scarier possibility? Either one, that there are aliens that are monitoring us, keeping track of things.

They're, you know, maybe one day they plan to invade if we go too far. Or, we're the most advanced species in the universe. That's kind of a lonely feeling. It's lonely, and there's a lot of pressure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the other one is like we could be facing annihilation at any second. I really don't think there's this whole alien invasion thing.

I think if they're powerful enough, they would have wiped this out. And I think they're like, they're good for the most part. I don't think they're doing any evil shit. I think, I think. How do you know? Because, or maybe they are. Maybe they're like dropping diseases like AIDS and COVID. Imagine.

No, I think that's the U.S. government. That's possible. So I got a different fan face. You have a USA hat on it. You're like, USA government is the worst. Yeah. Yeah, no, I don't know. I'm like, I change every fucking day

on what I believe about aliens. I don't know. The drone thing was crazy though. Trump just came out recently. He's like, they know what those drones are. I can't talk about it, but they're lying to us.

You see him do that? It's a little weird. I know everyone's like kind of dancing around it. It's like, I'm sure whatever it is at this point is not that big of a deal. Yeah. No, everyone's already put every idea out there. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Even if they're like, we're looking for a nuke, it's like, well, of course you're looking for a nuke. There's nooks everywhere. Yeah. Why would they be doing that in New Jersey? They think a guy just in town has a-guido. I invented a nuke. This pasta, I think I put too much salt in this song. Hey!

He gets ready. He starts glowing green. Oh! That'd be so funny. Just by accident, a mix of Cologne, work out, pre-workout, an Italian guy, accident. accidentally created a nuclear bomb. In like a sub shop. Yeah.

Just by the perfect mismatch of events. Yeah. I bet there's like a high schooler out there who like coated himself in body spray. Yeah. And like accidentally walked into like a Yankee candle company and just dropped dead from a reaction.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's really funny. Speaking of that, I had a friend almost fucking died this weekend from they were doing galaxy gas and smoking a joint at the same time. That's crazy. And I was like,

you're going to blow up your. your fucking apartment. She's like, you don't think I know what I'm doing. I'm like, no, you don't. It's already galaxy gas. Yeah. What is, what is the crossfade equivalent? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's just so you get high for longer, I guess. I don't know. I guess. I don't know, man. I can't like, if I like smoke weed, it makes me not want to do other stuff. Yeah, dude, Sean Patton has a great bit of that. So everybody's like, it's a gateway drug. He's like, if I get drunk, somebody puts coke in front of me, I'm doing it. But if I smoke pot, I won't even drink like a red bowl.

It's so true. Yeah. That's me with mushrooms. I remember I remember once I was on a mushroom mushrooms, the Buckees, and we pulled over and everyone was so excited to get the cookie dough. And I grab it and I look at the ingredients and they're this long. Yeah. And me, I mean, sober me, it's like, oh, yummy cookie dough, whatever ingredients.

Yeah. But me on mushrooms, like, this is unhelt. This is fucked up what they're doing to us. Yeah. And I was like, telling him, I'm like, don't get the cookie dough. I'm trying to save them. Yeah. And they're like, oh, yeah, that is a lot of ingredients.

I don't feel like getting that. Yeah. I felt so good. Yeah. Like, save my friends. I'll get random food panic attacks like that. Like, you ever, like, you ever eat food and then randomly just think about it being alive? That'll happen to me. I'm eating a burger. And I just picture, I've been like, ugh. A burger is like less hard.

Rotissory chicken. Yeah, rotissory chicken. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I guess. I do that. If I'm eating like, like, something shady that are, like, microwave. I'm like, how do they make this? Yeah. Yeah. If it's, like, really, like, processed food. Oh, my God. Yeah. How do they keep, like, a sub sandwich, like, like, alive for, like, 14 weeks? Yeah.

Like a chicken, you could look at a chicken. You'd be like, that was like a little Guatemalan boy's dog for like a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They took it away and they're like, going to public, sorry. Sorry. That's how they get all their chickens. They're not a farm or anything. No, yeah.

They're going to villages where boys are raising chickens. Yeah, you are my best friend? I was just gone. My cock. Yeah. Oh, me cock. Yeah, I don't know. I like randomly.

I eat too much horserie chicken. But I remember one time I didn't eat a pizza on shrooms because I had Abraham Lincoln's, or no, it was Benjamin Franklin's face on it. Yeah. We're going to sell this on eBay. Like, yeah, I'm trying to sell it for hundreds of people. Like in the shape of pepperoni or what? No, it was like, you know when you see patterns and shit on shrooms? Yeah.

I see faces a lot. So it's like a ghost image. So it's like kind of like whatever you see is just kind of like raised to make it look like it like. He starts talking. He's like cheesy goodness. Don't fly a kite unless you attach a key to it. How old was he when all the shit? He was 13 when he died.

Ben Franklin? Dude, all that shit is like that. He just looked like that at 13. His teeth were older than he was. I think that was true for at least Washington, right? His teeth were older than? Slave, aka slave mouth Washington. Yeah, yeah.

What if, what if, I know it's very racist to take like the teeth out of a dead slave, but... It's even more racist to take him out of a live. Right, yeah. What if maybe he was like, this would be so cool, I'm going to have black dude teeth. Like, he just didn't realize there was no difference. And he's like, it was like a fashion thing. He's like, he's like, when do they turn gold and have diamonds in that? He's like, nah, bro, it's cultural appreciation.

This ain't appropriation. I was studying black dudes teeth for a long-ass time. That's really funny. He's sagging his pants. I'm surprised he didn't just like have a sire chew his food for him and spit it in his mouth. Yeah, yeah. Because, like, they had everything else back. It was like the flameters back then.

It'd be wiped their own ass. I think there was like a little butler or like a little British boy that would wipe your ass. Yeah, with like a towel. Oh, thank you, Mr. George. Yeah, yeah. The chamber made, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Silence. Yeah. Silence asswiper.

Yeah. You always like go to like some house like that. There's always some weird thing. They're like, yeah, this is where they would sleep upside down like bats. Yeah. Why was that? Yeah.

They were bad people here back in the day. Yeah. And then just go to the next room. Oh, look at this fork. Yeah. Yeah, they thought it would grow their hair back. Yeah. It's so funny how fucking just retarded they were.

Like, I remember everybody used to sleep. We went to, I think, Monticello, which is like Jefferson's house. And everybody, beds were like a, like an L. Like, you'd sleep sitting up. Like, you know, it's like, those kind of mechanical beds. Oh, really? Yeah, because they thought it'd help you digest better. So you just go to sleep, like, sitting straight up.

Yeah. I'm still convinced we haven't found the best way to sleep. Yeah. I'm like, I just dive into a mattress and it looks like I fell off of a roof. I fall asleep finally. I sleep with the most, I think the most homosexual way is I take a pillow and I just straddle it with my arms. That's awesome. Yeah, it's like a big strong man.

But I'm imagining it's a hot fat lady. Ooh. How big is the pillow? Is a huge massive pillow? No, but you know, in my mind. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not figuring out. One of those love sacks.

It's just huge. I just imagine it's an obese woman. Yeah, just a giant boob. I think the best I would sleep is like with a, like, 400-pound woman. But, like, I'm on top of her kind of sinking in. Yeah, the bed's, like, angled like this. You're kind of, like, stuck under her arm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That sounds so cozy. You ain't gonna go anywhere, Michael. Yeah. But then I also have, like, a jacked, maybe, like, Dominican bodyguard at the door who's, like, protecting. So, like, safety there, because she's not going to protect me. But he can protect me. Yeah. But I don't want to snuggle with him necessarily.

So I'm snuggling with her while he's protecting me. Well, you know, the bad part of her stomach's going to be grumbling all night. That is a good point. So I will starve. It'll be like ASMR. It'll be like a thunderstorm. That's true. It'll be nice to like vibration.

Like those beds used to pay to vibrate. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. It's like a sleep number, madden. Yeah. Maybe she has like a feeding tube that just goes in and just gives her like slurpy. Yeah.

Also, sleep apnea, I'm sure. Oh, yeah. You got Darth Vader. Oh, no, she's not. We're on her for schedules. So she is. She's alive. Yeah, she's a, what do you call it?

Like a, she's nocturnal. Yeah. So she sleeps all day while I get busy at work. Oh, okay. And then she wakes up, puts on... She wakes up and stays in the bed. Well, yeah, she's not doing a lot of activity. She's bound to the bed.

So she's just watching daytime TV, or nighttime TV. With an Oculus, she's probably watching Mory. She's probably watching, like, fat people fight each other. She's like, they're so fat. She's got an Oculus and a sleep mascot. Yeah. She's like, pain. She's full Robocop.

She's just Darth Vader-Rom. She's like cyborg for the Teen Titans. She's going to be eating. If she's away, she's going to be eating. I told you she got a feeding tube, dude. Right in the... No, dude. They deny the feeding tube.

You think they just like... They do like the eating. They like the action of eating. They want to be eating four pizzas at once. Okay. But you don't think there's any sort of like tube-like system that could get it like... Maybe she has like one... Maybe just like a long conveyor belt of like slices of pizza.

Yeah, yeah. And she just goes like this. Yeah, she doesn't even true. falls in. Yeah, they just fall in. The Dominican guy who's guarding the door will have a Rube Goldberg like machine that feeds the battleman that I sleep on top of it.

Like the roof and shit. Yeah, yeah. All for a good night's sleep. Yeah, I would sleep, so good, dude. You wake up and... Full arm stretch. Oh, my God. My best sleeping is genuinely with just a bunch of dudes in, like, a sleepover session. You ever, like, a hotel room

with another guy is how I sleep the best. Really? He's got his own bed or watching. TV we're gladiators on or something like that. My friend Ryan is like a very small man and like we've always when we've had to go to like a hotel or something like we've shared a bed and it's like the best I ever

sleep. Yeah, really? I feel so safe. He's yeah because he's just he's tiny he doesn't take up a lot of space and he just falls asleep like that and I'm like oh it's like it sends like a message to your brain that it's bedtime you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because otherwise I'll just like look around the room and like oh spiraling.

That's interesting. I think less like a in the bed. I sleep not well in the same bed as people, but like, we're talking about two matching beds. Like, like, is in and then, you know, the incredible that's also fine, I guess. Because I don't have to sleep with a man. That's interesting.

Yeah, we were talking about that the other day because it's some comics, like, it's gay to sleep in the same beds with another guy you're like, yes and no, it is kind of gay. No, it's gay to sleep in the same bed with another guy and have sex with them. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty gay. There's things that are, like, gay in the sense that they're like, like, you know, it's not actually. gay to like flick your friend's penis.

It's a prank. Right. It's gay to flick your friend's penis and then have sex with it. But it is still gay. Flick it until it wakes up. There's things that are not gay as in real homosexuality, but they're, they're... Don't you ever just want to go up to a girl and be like, hey, can you tell me, like, does my penis taste weird to you? I'm sure someone's done that one. I have wanted to try the thing. I don't know when it becomes sexual harassment, but I do want to see, somebody's probably done this, just asking 100 women if they want to have sex with you and see if any of them just say yes without any other

interruption. Like street interview style? Yeah yeah, yeah. That's really fun. Yeah. Because it has to work like a hundred. You should make like a documentary about how like you know how that girl had sex with like a thousand guys in a day? Yeah, yeah. And then she regretted it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like you should make a documentary and you're like, all right, I'm going to have sex with a thousand girls in a day.

And it's just you going up to girls and getting rejected. Oh yeah, I guess we are different. Yeah. I think how that would work. You'd go into it very confident because you're like, oh, at least one girl has to say yes, but then buy like the 200th girl that says, no, you're going to start being like, well, you have sex with like, you're going to have a different energy coming after that. The video changes

you're like, I'm going to have sex with one girl. Yeah. Sometime next week. If the day goes, well. That was so funny with that woman fucked like a hundred dudes, whatever in one day. There's 100, right? I think it was a hundred. I think it can't be a thousand. I think it could be a thousand. But it's that, like, what's the validity of it? I weirdly got FOMO. I was like,

why couldn't I have been the 500? In my mind, I was like, oh, my God. You want to be the end of the train? I would have done it, dude. They're all tested. From what I understand is, like, I didn't, I'm too, like, anti all of this to, like, look into it too much. But I guess, like, after she was done, there was someone who, like, walked into the room.

I don't know if it was, like, a camera guy or whatever. And he just started dry heaving because he said the smell of the room is, like, so. Maybe. I wouldn't have fun. And a lot of the guys. I don't think anyone, I think by guy seven, no one's having one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And a lot of the guys they said were like, like, broke down and, like, cried because they're like, oh, shit, this is like. This is like, this is not, this is not cool. Yeah, I don't know. In my mind, it just seems fun. But she's not, like, into it. Right. She's like, oh, why did I do this?

Some women I think are into, like, banging, like, five dudes in a row, but a hundred is, that's a good thing. 100 is crazy. Was she going for a world record? Did Guinness show up in like a hot air balloon? Now, quick question. Even doing 100 push-ups in a day is like... Sucks.

Sucks. Doing 100 anything ever sucks. You think it works the same the other way? Like you line up 100 vaginas and you do one... One vagina. I'm like I'm done. Like, do you think like that will break the same way? Like, do you think...

Or do you think if I, you line up 100 vaginas, I put my penis in each of them until I get to 100? Do you think I would break down crying? Do you think they would break down crying? Do you think it's just... I don't think you'd be happy. What's up? I don't think you'd be happy.

I really think I would. Was she fucking to completion them? I think it was they... Yeah, I think it was them. They had to come, yeah. So imagine there's one guy who's like, I don't really come. He's like, going for an hour. Yeah.

She's like, why did you say that in the survey? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, those surveys must have been hysterical. Yeah, yeah. Oh, there's like a headshot in a survey. You probably have to put, like, the size of your penis. I'd imagine she'd want very small

penis. Yeah. All I'm saying, if I didn't think about this further, I would have signed up. But if I didn't... Was it Craigslist? Where do they find these people? She did, like, interviews of all them and stuff like that? This is insane. It's really,

really insane. But the other side just doesn't sound as bad. Like, me, fucking 100 women? You're gonna get tired, man. Yeah, but I think, like, you don't jerk off for, like, a week. You save it up. A hundred? But I'm saying... But then you've... You just bust on the first. Yeah, you're gonna be mushing it after girl.

Not to completion. I'm saying I go one dip in. I'm dipping a minute. Ah, yeah. That sounds crazy. One dip in. That seems like everybody, it would be funny.

It would be funny, but you would never be able to look at a person. Are you gonna wear a hundred condoms? Are you gonna just? That's a good point. Yeah, and every time you peel one of them. It's like a thousand sweatshirts.

Yeah. There's a pile. But she hears it. I have them all on my dick. By the end. Oh, my. At the end, your dick is like this. Yeah.

Dude, I wonder if any guy's done that with his dick. Just put like nine condoms on. And then he just had the thickest cock in it. Yeah. It's like when you tape up a wiffle ball. That's really funny. The girls are getting kinky. She's like, I want to take this off.

She's like, no, no, no. Don't worry about it. Yeah, yeah. She pulls it off. And I like that they're all different colors, too. Yeah. That's really, she's a vice your dick. purple under that.

Those were always so funny when you grab like a condom that's like blueberry favorite. Dude, this would be the worst condom ever. My same friend who I used to sleep in the bed with. We dated when we were in high school. Like we were best friends and our girlfriends were both best friends. So it was like we were always hanging out.

And I asked him for a condom one day. He's like, yeah, I got you. And he handed me one. And it was until I felt it break. I was like having sex and I felt it break. And I looked down and it's just all red. Like it was a red condom. Not like from the.

but the whole condom was red. Insane. I was like, yeah, like, when would that color ever be appropriate? Unless you're like

Clifford the dog. Like there's no time. Who would ever see that and be like, ooh. Are dog condoms a thing? Doggums? Do you ever,

like, I guess you always neuter your dog, but you never be like, hey, what if we just let him wrap up? Oh, my dog's horny, hold on.

Yeah, let me slide it on. Because he's not putting that thing on himself. He got a, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, you gotta get in there. I don't even know what, like what object would be the right size. Yeah, I mean, the dog's penis is really range. Do you remember the first time I've seen a dog penis? I was like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah, they're fucked up.

Yeah. I'm wonder if they think of the same about our penises. As they're licking. Yeah, my dog liked it. My dog liked it. He enjoyed it. Yeah. This spoon is weirdly shaped in skin color.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Dog penises. Sometimes you draw a blank when you're podcasting. I don't know. I think knowing, if I really thought about being

one of the 100 guys, I think I would be like, that's gross. But at first glance, I was like, oh, this could be a fun. You don't think about the logistics. Like, the idea of her not wanting to be there

makes it disgust. Like, I didn't think about that. In my mind, I thought this is just a fun gal who's like, let me just, I didn't think they were fucking to completion. I thought she was just like, one guy puts his dick in once.

The next guy puts his dick in once. Yeah. And I just want to be, be part of something bigger than myself. I wonder if she ever doubled up. Three guys at once. Yeah, maybe. I don't know.

That seems like a more efficient way to do it. Do you think the guys knew what number they were? Do you think it was like... So we got really... He's got like a great... No, he thinks it's like a great date. And he finds out he's the 50th guy that fucked her that day. Yeah, do you think they know, like, when...

What number they are? Yeah. I think they knew when they walked in there. Okay. They were like, I was not the first one. No, I saw pictures of the end all the guy's feats. And the dudes are, like, in such... you're getting me. Like, they're like, dude, I'm going to fuck a porn star.

They're inside. Yeah, yeah. People were flying in. Yeah, yeah. They didn't even get them local. What a bunch of freaks. I know. But I guess she was like an only fans lady and it's like if you're paying for an only fans lady and then she's like, hey, lottery, a hundred people are going to have sex with me. Like, they're probably like, hey, fuck it. Like, I'm not. Also, I didn't hear the full story. Because like everybody's, everybody I've seen on like the conservative side of it all is like, this woman fucked a hundred guys. She like had a mental breakdown. But I haven't seen her. actually had like the other side of the store

well it's just like I don't know they're like she cried but like I didn't know if she was like crying like what way she was crying she could have been like I'm so happy yeah I don't know I don't know this huge monument has been passed yeah yeah yeah like maybe this is her like one small step for a horse I saw a video of her and as soon as it's funny because it starts where she's like

oh I still got she's like I still got come in there or whatever it is she's like talking about that whatever and she kind of walks in the room they're like how you doing she's like Oh shit. It's like, oh, that's not a good one. Yeah, I mean. The important thing is, though, she had to do this so people know not to do it.

That is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, otherwise. Otherwise, everyone's like, I want to fuck 100 people today. Yeah. Because it becomes a trend, like, things become trends so quickly. Oh, there'd be a 200 person. Yeah, there would be a 200.

Yeah. And it would be like, oh, today is my 100 person. The new TikTok trend. Exactly. Everyone would start doing it. It would suck to have that girl bad news. day. Like, you know what I mean? Like, she doesn't know, but like her dad just died and you're like, we can not

tell her today, dude. The last guy she has sex with is like, by the way, I have age. Yeah, I'm rather the first guy, because then all the other guys, it's like, I get to at least do something funny here. I think, dude, I think most men and women are just primarily different with sex. I think a lot of guys could, if they didn't come, dip their

dick into 100 women in one day and be like, that was funny. Here's the thing is, I think like it's the same thing as like when you visualize a gallon of milk you're like oh I could I could drink that yeah yeah that is so true but then when you're like 16 or 17

girls along the line you're looking at this your brain starts to shift where you're like I don't think you could see women the same way after doing that I disagree I don't know it's just like the milk you throw up halfway through yeah halfway through you're like what am I do like this is not like I don't feel it's not exciting it's not this

I just picture fun music playing and there's people cheering me on. I picture my family's there with a banner. They're like, only 10 more to go, Michael. And I'm like, headlining skank fest. Yeah, yeah. That's how I picture.

Dog, you should see this guy we got. He's going to have sex with 100 whores. Yeah. Yeah, I just see it in a way that's like, everybody's proud. That's not at all of it. I probably lose half my friends. Tony Hinchcliff is there.

You fuck so good, Michael. Wow. I mean, expert. technique. Yeah. Especially for a New York comic. Yeah, you're like going down the list. You just see Tony Hinch clips.

Come on. Don't it. Not you. It's 100 girls. I'm doing a guest spot. Oh, you got me again. You got me again. Red band.

Fuck you. The goat. Dude, what is, what is Austin like? You like in it? Dude, it's so fun. It's an absolute blast. It literally looks like the most fun. It's the most fun.

It's the most fun. It's the most fun. I'm like scared. It's a carnival. Every night it's a carnival. I'm like scared to share stories of me like drinking on my, because like the New York comedy scene is so like business oriented that like it's one of those things that they're like. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But then I like, you'll probably notice that. Yeah. But then I see like Austin, every Austin comic I know is like they seem like they're just having fun. You guys are like jumping off bridges into the water. Oh yeah.

You guys are, I don't know, having fun going to Dave and. Busters together. Day Busters, yeah. I mean, it is black, because like the hangs are such a big part of the awesome comedy scene. Like, you can get booked just by being around. Yeah. It's a very hang-oriented place, too, like the creek in the cave. Yeah, it's like...

Do you guys have any sober comics, though? I feel it'd be hard to be sober there. There's a couple sober comics. In New York's like across, it's like 50s. It's like a lot of sober. Yeah, it's like, there's a couple sober comics and they go to the hand, like they go to the bars and shit, just a hang. Yeah, yeah. Like, we'll be like, we're going out to get fucked up.

And I got just hanging out. Yeah, yeah. But they still want to be there for that. But it's great. Carnival is the best way. Yeah, it's like the lights are, it's all neon, like everywhere. Yeah, there's a bunch of freaks.

Like, side show freaks. Yeah, there's like a lot of like girls dressed up. There's horses. There's horses. There's horses. Just taking dumps like right in front of business entrances. Every time I make the joke, every time I see him walk by,

I'm like, oh, thank God we're safe. Yeah. It always gets a little juggle out of it. Thank God we're safe. Thank God we're safe from the British Inquisition. I was worried right now. I was weird a bandit. Nice.

Oh. As I was a word of bandit might show up. I always forget when I fart on the podcast that there's two other people sitting there. No, you say that every time. Wait. Oh, sorry. You vaived it. I thought the fart cloud.

Oh, I was like, oh, my God. Dude, that is the greatest, like, that's the greatest, like, that's the greatest flaw in humans is that our farts aren't visible. That, yeah, that's the greatest thing. They are in cartoon. Maybe it is. Yeah, maybe it was like trial tested, you know, because I'd like to imagine God kind of invented a person, had him walk around and been like, oh, that penis is way too large.

We've got to scale that back. Or cloud farce, but this is hysterical. This is hysterical. But I think the longevity and having no detection of who farted is funny. Imagine like a big UN meeting. They're talking about a war. they're like on the break of war huge like meeting it's all the big countries

and Trump is there and you just see green cloud come from Trump is they're talking about We're gonna nuke Israel I promise we're not gonna nuke anybody And just a big fucking green I saw something on Twitter the other day That like there was a rumor

that he was at this like summit thing And he shit his pants at it Because he was kind of like sitting there Like he doesn't like change his face He kind of just like just kind of you know hangs in it. But like there was nobody sitting like near him and some people were just like

no. And like looking around and like people were like I think he shoot his pants. I made a booby. He'd be so much because he like would he's such a deny deny guy. He would have literally diarrhea going down his pants. He's like that's I had chocolate in my pocket. I think Kamala

shit my pants. Someone else shit my pants. I wouldn't even care if he did if he just walked him and was like Sorry, I shit my pants. It would be like fine. You could make a lot of people think it's awesome and cool. Every Trump's poor shitting.

So when I shit my pants. Left doesn't want you to shit. I can't shit anymore. That's the zero amendment. Yeah. Yeah, I like, I remember the scariest one I had. I was in the pool swimming one time. And I peed.

I'd always pee in pools. Like, you know, I didn't think there was ever going to be consequences. And this day I was particularly dehydrated. rated. So this giant yellow crowd. And I thought there's a ghost

in the pool. I didn't understand it because I never seen like, I freaked out and came out of the pool. I was like, what the fuck is that? And everybody's trying to

me, they're like, what is it? You just pissed in the pool. That's a really funny. That's a funny method. Yeah. To be like, whoa, guys, what is that?

Gross stuff. Ew. You're like paddling away in your swimmies. I was freaking out. It's going to get me. I was like, I was like the only one in the pool

was my backyard. Yeah. I was just so scared because I just saw this yellow cloud just following me. I was like, this is a ghost. I always thought that was like a myth, like from old dogs or whatever that movie was.

You're thinking a grown-up. Similar concepts there. Yeah, yeah. Oh, where you pee and there's a blue? Yeah. They put like a thing in it. Wait, what was old? There was wild hogs and old dogs.

Those are two different movies. Both had John Travolta in it. I don't know. Any of these movies? Old dogs is like, I thought that was the Bill. Is that the Bill Burr movie? I don't.

That's old dad. Old dads. Old dogs is a movie. Oh, okay. I'm sure old dogs is a movie. That makes sense. Yeah, everything's a movie. There's movies that are like two movies. You ever hear a movie? You're like they already named a movie this. There's a couple movies that are like, there's the same name. They're getting that way with video games now. Yeah. Where they're just like the names are like the most part of thing. Yeah, call it. Well, it's like the new games they come out with because they need like an original IP. So they have to choose a name that doesn't exist. And it's always like just. terrible.

It makes no sense. Yeah. And then they're putting a bunch of, like, lesbians in them, too. Yeah. Everyone's pissed about that. Are they making out of us? No. It's like the unfun lesbian.

Yeah. I remember when they made, like, Battlefield 1, like the World War I game, and there was, like, a bunch of female playable character, dude, like, Reddit went, like, insane. Actually, the women were not in the war. Yeah, it's like, how do you expect the guys who don't fuck a lot of women too? not be fewer. It would be fun if... It would be fun if they had women

in the thing and if you chose a woman like you're just like in a building off to the side like sewing an American... You try to get in like a plane and fly and like, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't do anything. What? You want a gun?

Yeah, that was really funny. Actually, there was no women driving the tanks. I'm like, no shit Sherlock. Yeah. When do you think women we're allowed to get guns. Oh, man.

Are they? Yeah. I think they could get them. Oh, wow. It was probably around the time. I mean, it was probably the same as men and women for that, I'd imagine. Like, or after the vote, voting.

Yeah, because you got invented and then I don't know when guns. I can imagine women were able to buy guns all the time. They probably just didn't like him. It would be like, can men buy nail polish? Like, I don't know. Like, I never tried. Pink one.

Yeah, yeah. That is a big thing in Florida. There's a lot of girls that, like, Barbie guns. Yeah, a lot of pink guns. We're just way to die. You went to the same guy at the M. High School as me, didn't you? We did the same flipping high school.

Winner fucking fucking shit dog piss high school. I liked it. I had fun. I had a great time, dude. It was a good time. There's like some good basketball players from there, right? Yeah, the Rivers. Do you know any?

Oh, the Rivers boys? I used to work out with the Rivers' mom and... Austin Rivers? Yeah, his mom and his brothers. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, it was Austin Rivers,

and then the other one played for Duke, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something. I don't know. I know we had a bunch of college football players, too. Yeah, football was probably even big. We had a couple of gators guys. It was like, like, a couple seasons ago.

I don't remember. That's like, you can't have a better life after that. Like, if you grew up in a state and then you play for the division one team that your state is, yeah. That's like, where do you go from there? But I think the hard part is, like, a lot of these people, like, They're spending so much time doing something that, like, some of them love it. But I talked to a lot of my friends who played, like, aggressively football in high school and college.

And they were like, I hated it every moment. I had a friend who's offered million dollars to go play baseball in Japan for like seven years. Or it's like over a million dollars. And he just said, no. Because he's like, I'm just tired of the sport. Yeah. And it's like, you've been doing this for so long that you're like. They're like college athletes now are getting paid too.

Yeah. Like the Michigan quarterback, I guess like. There's this one really, like Dave Portnoy and this other, like, billionaire guy invested and got this, like, the top rank recruit for $12 million. So, like, that kid's going to be a freshman in college and he's making $12 million. Just because Dave Portnoy is paying him to do what. Dude, you're like a freshman in college, $12 million is so far fun. I'm a dead man. You know how many galaxy gases you could buy that?

Dude, I would be fucking. Universe gas. You could. Yeah. do you know any geek bars that gets you? Holy shit. He just has like a jetpack. It's like,

it's like galaxy gas at the back. Yeah. Yeah. They like don't have time to do anything. Like they're always practicing. And then like when they're not practicing, they just like, I guess,

sexually abused sorority girls. Yeah. I've seen some of them at like UT parties and stuff. But it wouldn't, it won't be like the quarterback. Yeah. It'll be like a randa. It's most like a fucking like a.

Like a. starting running back. Oh shit, he popped into a party for three minutes. Yeah, yeah. Just to pick up a girl

he's going to hit. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I guess what's his name? Not Gilbert Aranis. There was a player, John Wall. Do you remember John Wall?

I don't think so. He was like this crazy college player. I guess like when he went to Kentucky, they said he would just walk into a party and just like grab a girl by the arm and just walk out and be like,

all right. That was John Wall. John Wall, everybody. Yeah. I imagine he has a stand up. Yeah, that's crazy. The kicker of FSU, I remember,

he went to a party, a fraternity party, and broke their turtle and half. Like, he murdered a turtle. By kicking it? I don't know if a kicker. I think he just, like, over his knee or something like, so violent, but so cool at the same time. I didn't know how you could do that.

Yeah. I didn't know how you could do that. It's like, it's like when somebody rips apart a fucking phone book, that's a really strong guy. Or that's a really weak turtle. Imagine the turtle, like, then, like, just, like kind of grew into like a man.

Yeah. Yeah. Nobody ever does that. Yeah. Yeah. What do they, can they get out of their shells? They can leave. The shell's part of their body. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. Also, you have to know that. You have to know that turtles breaking half. That's not the guy's first time breaking a turtle in half. Whose guy might be breaking turtles constantly.

Yeah. Yeah. Part of his warm up. Everybody's like practicing. He's like, he is super Mario. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, oh, sorry. You don't want him to meet the guy's boss. He's a real asshole. You just seen him at PetSmart with like 45 turtles Check it out

Yeah You're gonna break these no I'm about to go to a party this week Yeah yeah Yeah I gotta get to I gotta get some turtles Yeah what it What a

I don't know That's just That is such a piece of shit Thing to do Yeah It's funny like aesthetically Well The idea of breaking something

There's a fine line I think that's a middle line Because it is funny And I've seen it happen At parties before Is he even Break a turtle Not see break a turtle

But I have seen people Gogubfish and eat it Yeah I've seen that about That's way less That is funny Yeah goldfish don't have feelings. Exactly.

Turtles might or may or not have feelings. But if you, like, walking to a party, you're, they're going to kill you. Right, right. So the intelligence level probably isn't far off. Turtles are probably round the same smartest as puppies. Yeah, I bet if I put peanut butter on my balls, a turtle would still have at it. Yeah. Or let you put lettuce or lettuce.

Yeah. A snapping turtle. Dogs are way too fast. I like a nice slow lick. Yeah. They make the noise. Eh. You see those videos of turtles having sex?

They're crazy. Dude, you see the turtles on the fucking tech-tech boards? Yeah, that's the greatest. Yeah, that's the greatest thing. They love it, too. They love it. Just seeing a guy in the corner with peanut butter on his dick.

Seeing one just tech-tech up. Yeah. They're really fast. Yeah, they take to that board. Oh, my God. It's great. It's like little dogs. We should be improving all animals like that.

They take to that board like Lyle Richie to the piano. We should modify animals. I'm all for it. You put like a rocket on a bird. Fucking Alex. always like, they're mixing humans and... Good. Good. We should be doing hybrid. I want to have... I want to have, like, antelope.

I don't know about humans and animals, but I think animals and cybor. For science? Yes. She's thinking, like, a frog with springs. He just goes higher. That sounds so much. We should have given him a different ability. Yeah. It's just amplifying his normal ability. Now you can jump like 10 v. high.

Do you guys believe in human-anable hybrids? They're legit. Do I think they're real? Around? I think they made a human animal. They made a human monkey one, I think. Oh, Michael, don't. Let's not get into that. It's not a gorilla.

A human monkey. All right, we're not. No, no, no, no. We're not doing racism right now. We're not doing racism. Oh, are you signing up for an awesome joke? We're not doing this. Wait, I want to look this up because I'm pretty sure there was it. There's no way. That's a real thing.

Tell them what I sent you. Wait, one second. Monkey Chimera Hydrid. Did it freak? Is it gonna freak me out? A monkey chimera

is a primate that contains cells from two different embryos. I guess I don't know it. Well, we're, I don't want to see like a human monkey because like we already are a human monkey. Yeah, but like.

I want to see like a bee, like a bee dog. A bee dog. A bee dog, a bee dog. A bee dog. A bee dog. A bee dog. A bee dog.

I feel like you got to do. similar size. Like cat dog. Cat dog is the best example. I mean, we could make that happen with a saw and some stitches. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can make cat dog happen. That would be hilarious, the top scientist was just sawing dogs and a half.

Yeah. He's like, hey, you know, you can make like rockets or something. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Those are the scariest horror movies to me. That is the most disturbing thing. Human centipede? Yes, that just, like, just deeply, the guy who's like, we must do it for science. Yes, I'm going to.

How, by the way, not really science. Just having somebody shit into somebody else. mouth. Well, everything is science. That 100 girl guys in one day, that's very close to human centipede. That is true. It is close to human centipedes you can get without getting human sanitary. I was just consent to get

a little different. I said that in the gayest way. My legs are crossed. I guess two consenting adults. I would love if they made like a human millipede one. It's like it's so long that by like they feed the first guy like soup and by the last guy it comes out it's like a prime rib sandals.

It's like what happened in there. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a game of telephone. It just changes up at some point. Exactly. Yeah, I wonder, too, like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. You got to do, like, similar-sized creatures. Like, I don't know, maybe like a, kind of thinking of like a hawk and a monkey you could do probably.

That would be a cool one. I get a bird, a completely different gene pool. Yeah, but they could be similar-sized. Like, I'm saying, you could do similar, because you can't have, like, a frog. It's going to be the fucker. It's going to be those little guys from Missouri Vol. That would be so... You don't want those things

running around. Those are the worst. You don't, but were your enemies, dude? You just give those like AR-15s and how I'm like fly over villages. Oh my God,

that'd be the worst thing ever. Those things were so annoying. They'd probably start shooting each other. That is true. They would get mad at each other. Yeah. I don't know, dude, just the idea of a fucking

flying monkey with a machine gun is the coolest thing I could think of. That is pretty cool. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Just a ring it to end. Dude, it's very like eight-year-old

coded. I'm proud of you for thinking of that. Yeah. I did too many drugs this weekend. That's why my brain is just like, what's if a monkey? You guys know the coolest thing I could think of? A monkey with wings. Flying monkey wings and a gun.

I hate my little sister. I don't want to eat any broccoli tonight. I don't like the color pink. I'm never going to use it. Yeah. And I want a bike for Christmas with flames. That would be funny of the more drinking and drugs you did. I mean, your brain does kind of do that, but if it really just started to go back

and. Yeah. To be at a bar and just tap the guy next to you. Look what I drew. Yeah. It's just a mom. Did they have chocolate milk? Yeah.

I want a chocolate milk. Did I have it here? Well, apparently, there's a broccoli here. Ew. Yeah, you're at a restaurant. You're like, nobody's going to ask me to finish my broccoli, right? Yeah. You're hammered.

Turning into a little kid hammered is so cool. Well, there is a thing called Wet Brain, apparently, where if you drink too often, Like if you're like the full-blown alcoholic, get this thing where they stop drinking and they're still just like, like permanently drunk. That's awesome. Yeah.

We just watched the movie Another round. Have you guys seen that movie? No. It's so cool. It's this Danish movie. It's about these teachers. He's like four like middle-aged teachers.

And they tried to do like the Hemingway thing. You know, Hemingway believed everyone is born with a deficiency of 0.05 blood alcohol level. So if you get to 0.05, you're at like peak performance. So they try to do that through their lives They do it while teaching and shit And they become like better teachers They're like rushing it in the classroom

One of them's a soccer coach And like this little kid was getting bullied And he's like inspiring the kid like stand up One of the guys is like mayor just falling apart And he like spices it up It gets more fun Yeah But then they overdo it

They start getting hammered They're hammered at school They're he's fighting with his wife This is how I also know I'm dumb I'm like I think this is a genius I think I thought the same thing Well, if you, the theory is like, if you stay at that point, which is like one drink. Point O5 is like, yeah.

But they overdo it. They get drunk. So like, all right, we're going to quit drinking. We're going to stop. And when they stop, their lives just fucking fall apart. Yeah, yeah. Like, the guy's wife leaves them. The guy, like, the students are like not understanding with the guy.

So he's like not a good teacher. He's like really short with the students. Yeah. And then like a bunch of shit happens and then just start drinking again and the movie ends. Wow. They're like, maybe we should just stay at 0.05. Yeah. And then it ends.

We should really be working on screenplays because it seems like you can really sell something if you can figure out how to sell it. We just saw a musical and it was like the coolest shit ever. What was it about? It was the Back to the Future musical. I was like, this is going to be so bad. Why have I not done that?

How much was it? It was a little expensive. It was like 80 bucks. Okay, never mind. I'll never do that. Yeah. I mean, it was... Anything more than $50?

I'm like, yes, that's not for me. Yeah. It was cool, but it made me think of like, I want to make Beavis and Butthead the musical. Yeah, yeah. It's four hours. long and just two hours are like two hours of that.

Musicals are, I don't plays, I like them in theory, I just I don't like sing-alongs a lot. So what songs did they sing? Did Bibb? They made their own songs, but they're like it's Back to the future, everybody getting the car. Yeah. Time to drive back.

Yeah, it's a lot of that shit. To the future again. I don't think that literally sounds like a great song. I don't know. There's something about that. It's pretty good. I'm being really opinionated. I think one of

like, back in time. That's like, it was just the movie just on stage, basically. Do they do, go, Johnna, go,

go. Yeah, they did, Johnny be good. They did Johnny be good. Yeah, it was pretty gay. Yeah, but it was awesome.

Yeah. I also like that song that goes, but dam, bra dam, bra dam, but dam, but dam,

but dam, it's like when they get to the under the sea dance, it's like, bdam, bra dam, I think I've never seen in the movie I've never seen it

You know, see Back to the Future? He hasn't seen most movies But that's like a guy who like Almost kind of fucks his mom Yeah, I've already heard that One of the best movies I've ever seen It's a great movie It's an amazing movie

It's Christopher Lloyd, right? I think so Yeah, yeah Christopher George Floyd Could we do anything with that? Can we go back to before I tried to use that $20? Oh

Yeah, no, I love that. But it's also great that you haven't seen a lot of movies because you got like a lot. You're like, you're like, talk to me who's done like no drugs. And you're like, dude, you have so many fun things you get to try. I know. But I have the same problem with someone who has done no drugs where they're like, well, I don't want to do any because I'm too scared.

Yeah. I don't want to watch any movies. I don't want to ruin your life. I'm too scared. Jaws, yeah, Jaws. It's a big shark. It's a big shark. Not get eaten.

Steven's Spielberg also, there's so many fun movies. I mean, besides, like, Schindler's list. But like, all the other ones are. are like so adventurous. Like it's like... Yeah, big shark. I was watching the new Indiana Jones. Now, that is just a piece of shit.

I was really... I was high on the couch the other day, and I was like, how bad can this be? It's fucking Indiana Jones. Yeah. The worst Indiana Jones movie's got to be. And they just animate his face and such...

They have like a young version of him, and it's like... It just looks like a PS4 video game. Ugh. Yeah, that's horrible. We were gonna watch... Speaking of a shitty movie, we're gonna watch Red One.

I'm sure he's seen the trailer for it. The Rock Save's Christmas. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I can't see without my brother. My brother's like, don't see this without me. We're going to see it.

It bombed really bad. Opening weekend, it made $34 million and it cost $200 million to make. Does it at least look cool? No, no. I mean, I haven't seen it yet. I don't shit on anything I haven't seen.

I think this 100% gang bang might be a wonderful movie. Whenever they spend that much money on a movie, I always would just love to go to the set and be like, can I just have like $40? Yeah. That means nothing, you know?

I've always said, be so funny when you're making a movie like that and you find out halfway through that it's garbage. You just have like Robert Downey Jr.: on the zip line, you're like, wait, is this a terrible mood? Like, really, like, wait, guys, guys, guys. You're the director reading the script. You're like, all right, rock,

now you're going to say, let's save Christmas. Just say that line. Let's save Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. No, but can you raise your, just do the eyebrow thing? Yeah, no, but can you say it again in the most uninteresting way? Oh, yeah, thank you.

Yeah. Yeah, that guy is just doing everything. He's doing like a live... He don't stop. Mona. Is that what it is? Mona. It'd be cool if it was called Mona.

Mona. Mona. Yeah, with the Rock's like, I'm this new movie. Oh. Yeah. They should make a movie about the Mona Lisa.

Like her whole story. Yeah. I would see that. What was her deal? Yeah. Yeah. What I don't want to see, though, is the making of the Mona Lisa.

I'm done with the making of things. Like, this is the making of Black Bear. With Bert Krecher as the Mona Lisa. Oh my You do a good birdcrash do you burkech? Do you burke. You know what you say?

The laugh was kind of it too. Yeah. He's just constantly getting pickled. I'm not good at impressions on the spot. You really are. You guys are both good voice guys. Oh, thank you. Can you do burr crusher?

I can't do burrker. We tried to watch this movie. We turned his movie off five minutes into it. That was so funny. Do you remember there was like a time period where every stand-up comedian I started getting their own movies? and we're like, wow, looks like Hollywood's coming back to fun.

And every one of them were apparently terrible. Oh, every stand-up? Yeah, I don't want to see stand-ups and movies. I only want to see actors. That's true. It's like even actors can be funny if the writing is funny. Yeah. Like, they know how to just how to deliver a thing.

Well, and also I think what happened, too, is like, with stand-ups and movies, it's like, they're, like, I think there's a thing where, like, they, we're in a totally different world now. we're all stand-ups podcast, so I can't believe them. Like, I see Andrew Shultz and, like, tires. I'm like, that's Andrew... Because you listen to a podcast, you know that there's... The veil has been lifted. By the way, if I was ever a fucking actor, I'd never do a goddamn podcast.

It's completely ruins. Like... It lifts the veil. I hate the veil being lifted, dude. It ruins things. Yeah, I think it lifts the veil a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Leave the veil.

The fact that Tosh is doing a podcast is really... Because he was such a... He was such a mysterious guy. That's what made it really... He was very mysterious. But it doesn't make me happy. I'm like, okay, he's doing good. he's live.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is nice to hear from them. That's kind of the balance. Like, you do kind of want a little piece of their life, you know? I wish he did more stand-up. I wish Josh, Tosh was like the Attel type and just did the road constantly. And just didn't really do anything much else, but the road, maybe put out a special once in the blue moon. Yeah, what's like a Chris, uh, some, Chris Porter.

Yeah, yeah. Like a Chris Porter kind of guy. Yeah, yeah. Who it's like you only see him on specials, really. And his specials are always funny. Yeah. I haven't watched much of him. Oh, you haven't?

I mean, either. Dude, he's great. I know of him, but I... He's got a hilarious voice. He's got a hilarious voice. He's got a hilarious voice. He's got it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow. Yeah, I should have done it the end of one where. But yeah, Chris Porter, is that guy with the beard? He's got the beard. He's kind of like, what the fuck?

I love what the fuck comics. Yeah. Are you telling me? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. Like that kind of guy? Yeah. Sold on a movie.

See, belts, what the fuck? Yeah. I love those comics. Yeah. I got to become a what the fuck. And he just tells stories about him, like, just like a white trash guy getting fucked up. Awesome. He's like a Southern kind of.

He's like a real middle of New York touring guy. Very funny. Does he do this? Does he do your 20s are different than your 30s? No, he does not. Thank God. Dating women in your 20s is a lot different than dating women in your 30s. Yeah.

All right. Well, as long as he doesn't do that, I am in. He's definitely good. Yeah. Yeah. you don't see him a lot. There's a lot of, like, it makes, like, when you think about your legacy, you know?

Yeah. Like, I thought Norm did it perfectly, where he had his podcast. So it was like he was giving people that side of him, the conversational side, which everyone loves. But he was never, like, too open about his life. Everything was still kind of a mystery.

Yeah. Also, it was still, like fake. Because everything Norm did was like fake. It was a bit, yeah. Yeah. But then it is hard, too, though, because sometimes the really honest ones are really good. too. Like someone's a comic like Louis where you

really know who he is. That's also really Yeah. But it depends on what kind of stand-up. But that's a, yeah, it's a whole different type of comic. Yeah. If you have to be like as interesting as Louis, I think. Yeah. Well, I think it's the opposite. I don't think he's an interesting guy. I think he's an interesting thinker. That's what I mean. Like, you look at his life. You're like, this is okay. He was just like a guy. Yeah.

No, I like the... There's an interesting stinker. What's that? Say I'm a stinker. I said you're a stinker, but like a cute way. Okay. Tell me my fart smell. good, dude. I didn't even smell it over the smell of my breath on this microphone. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, yeah. I didn't even do anything. But how was that raved, by the way? It was fun. It wasn't, we, like, we sobered up by the time we get there. The train sober you up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I hate, that's what I hate about New York.

Also, Austin, everything is so close together, you know, you get hammered, and then they're like, hey, we're going to rave at two. So all you got to do is walk down to some sewers or some shit where they are having them. Yeah. I went to one in Austin. That one that was it, it's like a weird you probably know the place. It's just like the big Edyn places by the creek. Yeah, that was a, that's empire. See, the ones I've been

going to Arnavene venues are just like in the woods. Yeah, I'd kind of go to a random one. I went to one. Rave, it was like a, it was a fucking, this is the shit I want to do again. The party was you have to pay a dollar cover for every article of clothing. So it was like a guy with just like a dick sock walking in. It was just like a really weird group of people.

That's what it said. For sure people that do heroin, but interesting folks. Like, like, you get to fire juggle people who are just like, yeah,

we see them a lot. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, my friend told me, we're at a rave once. I think it was in an abandoned something or others,

a big abandoned room. Yeah. And it was like, a lot of cool young hit people, like 90%, but then like the other 10% were like, just like crazy looking freaks.

Yeah. Drug addict, junkies. Like, they live on the street. Yeah. My friend was like, hey man, look at them.

I'm like, yeah, freaky people was like, that's how you know it's a good rave. When the freaks come out. That's how you know the bass is fat. Yeah. He was like, and I was like,

dude, there's no stand-up equivalent to that. You don't see like a junkie walking to like the creek in the cave. Like, dude, this is a good show. Yeah. The fucking freaks are here.

Yeah. Yeah. It is kind of like, it's weird because some of those raves would be like the hottest women in the world and then just like this scariest gamer guy. Yeah, the scariest,

this, with like Legos around his neck or something like that He's just got like vampire teeth And this tiniest bra you've ever seen And then you're on drugs and you're like Am I that guy? You're like you'll be like am I? We're the same guy.

Yeah. We're at the same place, same time. Yeah, there's a beauty to that. There's a beauty to that seeing like really like people that look like they're in the front of a magazine Like beautiful people than just seeing like The GameStop crew next to each other. you're like, this is so sick.

Yeah. Yeah, I went to a rave this week. It was like my friend's birthday that lasted like four days. And I popped in and out for like two or three days. But it was like they treated like they were doing a music festival.

They were just like, all right. They were like, we're doing acid now and then trumes and ketamine. It was just fucking, it was like four or five days of people just going the hardest every simple go. And it was one of those were like, Thursday night I went out with them,

had some fun. Friday night I went out and went crazy. Did a bunch of ketamine until like 7 a.m. Nice. Saturday. I was like, I'm going to stop by. just for a couple drinks. And I get in line

for like a nightclub. And first off, I hate nightclubs. If I can't get in immediately, I'm like, this is not. I know. I get very defensive.

Oh, yeah. I'm not, I don't even want to be. Yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, you can get me in for $2. Yeah.

If I was a door guy and someone said they'd be like, oh, well, I actually come in. Yeah. I would feel bad. I'd be like, I'm sorry, man.

Yeah. The exclusive thing is so fucking gudgy. They're like picking out women. I'm like, my conversation could be used in there. You're not thinking about me as a whole. I know about like every war. I can tell you about every war.

And how dare you think I can't dance? I will show everyone up in there. I'm pissed off. Yeah, no, I get that. I'm walking off the buck. Well, that's what I was like, I showed up and I was like, because I had a show on Saturday. I was like, I know what's going to happen.

I know I'm going to get there. They got a VIP table. I was like, I know I'm going to get there. And they're going to be like, they're already in there. I don't know who you're talking about. They're going to be like, who were you? That's what fucking. I walk up and they're like,

Who are you, white boy? Man, who are you? Get your white ass out of you, man. You ain't funny at all. You're always talking about cum and retards on your podcast. I ain't about none of that shit. How would you take your white ass? Get the fuck out.

Go back to Winter Park. It's a 5'3 white guy. But I show up with the guy's like, yeah, it's your good buddy's maxed out on his table. I was like, really? How do you know that? Are you up there right now? Yeah. And he's like, it's going to be $600 to jump onto his table.

I was like, no. And he goes, you know what? I'm going to do you a huge favor. Just go up there. I was like, what? You did all this for nothing. Yeah. Stop acting.

Like, it's either $600 or it's not. Yeah. There's no way you're like, yeah, I'm just going to rob this venue of $600. Yeah. I was like, no, you're just trying to be a fucking power dude. Again, the other. That's really funny. That is hysterical at the same time.

Yeah, yeah. He's like, $600. I was like, no. And you're like, no. And he's like, ah, right? Yeah, you're just going for free. I try. I mean, they're pieces of shit.

And, like, there's such a duchiness to, like, the fucking, I mean, it's so, it's such a mean job. They have to go, like, you, you girls aren't hot enough. These guys aren't cool. It's a whole thing. It's kind of the coolest job ever. It is, but you're, but you deal with these drunk guys. And it's like, they're all, they're, every drunk guy is the same guy. That is so true.

And they're just like, who the fuck is this guy? You know, so you got a bunch of people, like, and I'd imagine all you want to do is punch, like, white men. Yeah. Especially because there's all the, like, do you know my father kind of guy. Exactly. Especially in New York. Oh, God. My buddy who's a door guy at Mothership is, they get a lot of this for some reason,

but a lot of drunk white guys for some reason just asking to meet Joe Rogan. Like, they just think that they're like the special guy. One of my buddies telling the story, he's standing on the stairs. There's like two showrooms. There's stairs between them. The guy goes up, he's like, and I know you get this a lot, man. But I promise I'm chill any chance I can meet Joe Rogi. And my buddy goes,

I could get fired for this dude. But he's like, go next door to Shakespeare's. Go upstairs to the top bar and order. And he like tells him to order some weird shot. He's like, after the show, go do that. That's kind of like we're the secret green room. And apparently the guy tried to come back to the club all piss. I got the shot.

Yeah, he like believed him for some reason. What do you think is going to happen? Like he was going to take the shot and then the bartender leaves. And Joe Rogan walks in. as the bartender. Psychedelic Joe Rogan, like, up here. I'm not even a real person. Dude, how many of those guys do you think

just getting a hug from Joe Rogan would be, like, the best day of life? Dude, they would die. They would die happy. He's probably a nice hug, too, because he's, like, right at your waist level. Yeah. I changed my sleeping thing, Joe Rogan.

Joe Rogan's guarding the door. But he's a little, oh, he's guarding the door. I was going to say, he's too muscular in the bed. No, no, no, I'm not sleeping with that, man. Yeah. Yeah. But, uh, but, uh, yeah no oh then i

fucking get in and i was like i'm just gonna come by for a drink and immediately everybody's in such a good mood that i just start chugging bot everybody's like my god i'm like i look like i have to take this you reacted like a dog when everyone's excited yeah my tails where i'm gonna pissing your pants on the floor it's so funny too it's those people that you met they're just visiting town and i met him like two days

ago but i'm now they're now like my favorite person on earth just we had like two fun conversations and like an Uber ride i'm like you my friend are the best human being ever i love that and then i blacked out I freaked out because I woke up with my wallet in my pocket and my socks on. I was like, there was no way I was well behaved.

And everybody's like, you're just dancing and then you were just gone. I guess you just went home. And I'm like, that's sweet. Besides text message, I sent you some drunk-ass text messages. Yeah, they were fun though. They were all fun. Michael's lovey guy. Yeah.

I get like that when I get drunk too. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's no motivation for me to like get my shit together. Yeah. Dude, I get drunk and start laying into the work group chat. I'm like, really appreciate you. you guys. Two in the morning.

Teams. Oh yeah. It's not even, it's just in the app that we use. Like every, the managers and everyone can see it.

And they can see the time that you post it. Yeah, it's like two eight and like someone will literally go, uh, had a couple drinks cap because I've done it so many times. That's so funny.

But I think it is funny too. That is not, but that like if I was an employer, as long as you're like getting something done once in a while. Yeah. I'd be like that guy's good. He's like a good locker room guy. Yeah.

If I got drunk and a lot of, I was like, I fucking hate all you people. And then you walk in, you're like, I'm so sorry. What's up, guys? Sorry, my little cousin took my phone. Yeah. Yeah. Ah, damn, the show is supposed to do tonight.

Get fucking canceled. No. That's the one you are also supposed to do tonight. All right. Double down. A lot of shows get canceled here. Yeah, dude. There's too many places.

They're competing with a nightclub and fucking raves for people. There's so much more fun shit to do. So much more. Yeah. The raves are sick. Yeah, there's been like, I've had to tell myself a lot. I'm like, no rapes tonight, Captain, go do comedy. How often did you go to raves?

I was going, because my buddy is like a, like a decent DJ and awesome. DJs a lot of them. So he's just come hang out, no cover or anything. That's just so, like, that is when it becomes fun. Like, I've just started that with Orlando now. We're like, you have friends with money and, like, decent connections where you're like, oh, I could just, when you could just walk into a nightclub, it's, I'm like, I'm never waiting for fucking live.

Yeah. If somebody's just like, hey, you could be behind the DJ booth, just going like, dude, that's exactly. That's like all. That's my dream. Yeah, yeah. Just me in, like, platform shoes, dancing on top of a subwifer. Oh, but my favorite fucking part of this, you have to go up in an elevator to get at this club.

And there's this, like, old black dude, probably like 50 or 60 years old with these, like, two smoking hot chicks. And he's like, going to be a big night tonight. And I had to bring the OGs out. These girls go, we met you five minutes ago. And he's like, hey, you're the new OG. You're the OGs of tonight. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

That's really funny. It's so funny too, because I don't know where my life goes with, like, the way I live. And I'm like, you know, I would love to be like, in my mind, I'm like, I would love to just be having fun for always. But like being an old club guy seems disgusting. This is awesome. It does and it doesn't. Like, I would want to be, one thing I would not, you just can't be trying to look cool. Like, you can't go to club.

If I was like club guy as in, like, I go in and I'm with all my friends and I'm like shots for everybody. We're like, oh, it's like a fun vibe. Yeah. But I'd never want to be like the like club guy where I'm like, this is my exclusive table and like only celebrity. Like that gets kind of wearing a bunch of rings.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have like a cross around my neck, but I'm like very unreligious. They're like, upside down. Yeah.

I don't give a fuck. Yeah. It's a golf club. Yeah. Dude, there's always a thing like that. You go have like a cross. And then you'll have like a, because you do black sweaters.

I don't know how you describe them, but they're like, they're like, I don't even know what it is. It's like a sweater your grandma would wear, but it's black and long. It's almost like a cape. Do you know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about a really specific thing. It doesn't matter.

We are at an hour. What would you guys like to come out? Yeah, that I drew a blank on that. I'm like, hey. Just the right caller show on YouTube. Go listen to my prank phone calls. Season 2 is coming out very soon. And just all, Captain Dot Right on all social medias.

Hell yeah. It was a pleasure hanging with you, dude. It was a pleasure hanging with you guys. It was super duper fun. Yeah, and check out news from bed. This might be the last morning good for a while with Paddy on. I know. I know.

I'm sad. I mean, I'll probably have you on when I visit Florida when I go back. Oh, also, if you're in Tampa or Orlando, I'm headlining the gimmick. The link is in the bio of my Instagram, Michael Good Comedy. Please come out. I'm really trying to pack out the show. December 28th, 8 p.m. Please come out.

I just started promoting things, and it's so funny how, like, blame you. I feel like I texted a friend's The worst I'm like hey man how you been Do you want to come pay To go see me do comedy Saying saying please is the worst shit Yeah please please come out

Please don't You know what don't make me look like a fucking idiot Okay You should make an event out of it Like Like arcade fire does What do they do? Where like their concerts

Like everyone has to like Dress up in like a suit and stuff You should do something like that It's hysterical Don't tell the gimmick people about it And just have all your people show up in a suit. Yeah.

All my fans are just really doing great in their lives. They're going to buy a lot of drinks. Also, especially don't do this. Don't do the thing where you buy tickets and then don't show up. That's almost worse, I think. That's way worse. Right? Like, oh yeah, he bought it the fucking like ticket link or some shit.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Only buy if you're going to come, but please come and buy. Yeah. Thank you. Bye.