Morning Good - Playing the Heel - Episode 239

Episode Date: September 29, 2024

Dan Gilbert and Joe Gorman join the show for today's episode. They talk about trading a live Robin Williams for a dead Jerry Seinfeld, Michael's prison survival strategy, and Joe becoming a dirty cop.Thanks to Dan for joining the show for the first time and to Joe for coming back on. Check both of them out at their links below.Joe Gorman is on Instagram @joewgorman and hosts the new Super Selli Joe's podcast with friend of the show, Alex Tomaselli. Dan Gilbert is on Instagram @danrongilbs.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning, good, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Oh, yeah. Fucking weird. Did you, did you smoke before this? I did. Your eyes look nice and glossy. Oh, how.

Damn, you know what's so funny, dude? It's like, I had like so many work meetings and therapy session. today and I'm all like all glassy-eyed fucking waxing philosophical thinking like here's here's my mindset if your eyes aren't red you're in the clear yeah that's not the case in the stage because now people know about the tail-tale signs of being high yeah well because I would always throw in the eye by over here with the Dan Gilbert and Joe Gorman and uh by popular demand by the way Joe Gorman oh my god well thank you so much thank you for having me it sucks to have one guest be told that yeah dad well they're gonna they're gonna watch you back yeah yeah dude

They just, they haven't gotten a taste yet once they get a little taste. Are you high? No. I'm just very tired. Are you straight edge? No. Do you want a caffeine pill? Yes.

Careful, dude. Those got me hooked, dude. Now I take those every day. I just like, uh, you know what it's like? It's like, you know how like on porn sets they like give people ecstasy and like things like. I already had one before the show. I'm going. Oh, wait.

Aren't you now taking them since you? Yeah. I'm serious, dude. You got me on that shit. So I take one a day. You chew this boy. You swallow that boy. Oh, you just swallow that boy.

Yeah. Yeah. Just take it, dude. It's cool. If you feel your heart about to explode, that's how you know you did it right. One of the dome. Yeah. You know what's great is like in a few minutes, Patty Defino is going to be coming out of that bathroom with a towel wrapped around his supple little fucking waist. Does your camera set up to get a good shot of that?

Yeah. I said him specifically there to do that. And then he's like, Patty's like, what's going on? And he's so shocked he drops his towel. Oh, so many adult comedies that we've seen. Remember that shit? Remember good old hard R fucking sex comedy? I remember the hard R. Yeah.

Very well. Nice, dude. You said it just before the pod. That's true. I did say it before the pod. I didn't say it. I don't think you did. You said,

I said, Edward. I'm just goofy. He's trying to get me to repeat saying like, what are you mean? You know? It's like hilarious comedian says a really cool, funny word.

My favorite was that one guy got kicked off of Carnival Cruz for saying it. He was a comic. And he was like, you know, it's very funny because I've been on those crews before they have like a clean show and a day show. And that's a hilarious like move from like family friendly company. Like the second show of the night, there's going to be some bad words. Was he on or off stage though? He was on stage. Oh, I didn't know if he just like. He was white or was he? He was white. Oh, he was white. Wouldn't even be a story. That's so crazy to fucking. But you're like, oh, it's on the high seas. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. I can do whatever. Dude. Yeah. Yeah. Slavery didn't exist in this part. Well, I guess it probably. It's probably where they went over. Slavery was all... Dude, slavery, that was like

what made the high seas, the high seas. It was part of the triangle trade. What was it? It was like slavery, what were the slavery, spices? What was the other thing

that was like big in the triangle trade? Like there was one other thing. Probably textiles of some sort. Yeah, probably something like that. Immigrants. I don't really know what text.

Let us know in the comments. I know you're demanding more pictures of feet and whatnot. But seriously, what was a part of the triangle trade? We know spices were one. Slavery was another. But what was the third, dude?

Answer in the comments and win three months' subscription of the good morning, where every morning, Michael will send you a picture of his asshole. Yeah, we'll do that. Good morning, another full moon. Have you ever taken a picture of your asshole? No, I'm too shy. I've looked at it in the mirror, and even that is overwhelming. Yeah, yeah.

You know what Nietzsche said about staring into your asshole? What do you say? You stare into the asshole long enough, and eventually you become the asshole. How was the mirror set up? What was your angle here? You have two mirrors. One mirror looking at the other. Wow.

And then you like... Wait, wait, wait. So it's like, you know those like the submarine things? If you're in like a submarine... Periscope. Yeah, we used those in the pool as a kid. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

And you used one to stare at your own ass. Yeah, you could use one to look at your own asshole. Yeah, you could really do. You're really innovative as a kid. Yeah, it's a tube and a... What's it called? Yeah, like a tube and a mirror. And then that's how that works.

I mean, it's all, all, all that shit is. So, wait, you got a mirror in front of you and behind you? You have two mirrors. One mirror reflects off the other. And you use that to view behind you. Like when your barber, like shows you like when he cuts the back of your hair. You never do that. No, I, I have it done to me constantly.

And I'm always just like, yeah, great. Yeah, no, but it's like that. Yeah, I never told the truth to a barber ever. I'm always like, this is great. Nobody ever fucking comments on how the back of their head looks with the barber. They could literally like, my, my. is like, mine has seriously like shaved a swastika into the back of my head.

And he was like, how does that look? I'm like, it looks fantastic. Yeah, you ask you. I was like, what am I going to do? Say, oh, don't do that please? Yeah. No, dude. My head is his canvas.

Yeah, my favorite, I went into one, I went into this Mexican guy. Yikes. And I was like, he speaks. Sounds dangerous, man. You're in a, sounds like you're in a bad part of town. Yeah, well, why are you shaving my head with machete? This seems dangerous.

Amman, you need a haircut? No, man, I'm going to cut all of them, man. What do you do? Well, it was like... It was like a little dog barking, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some woman like cooking fucking corn in an open pot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Flame. God damn. I'm terrified just describing the scenario you found yourself then. Well, I was like, I went into one place to get a haircut and they were like, no, and I just went in the immediate next hair salon

I could find. And it was a Mexican place. And I was like, this guy speaks English, right? They're like, yeah, yeah, totally. And then I was like, okay, so basically, I don't want the Macklemore haircut. I get them a specific thing. I'm like...

I get it every time. Yeah, they love the... I don't want the macklemore. I was like, I was like, make it even, not too much shaved out the sides. I mostly need a thinned out because my hair gets too thick. I don't really want too much hot the line. The guy goes, okay. I was like, sweet.

And then he just does the opposite of what he says. And then he has a gold gun that sprays cologne at me. It was kind of sick because then he just has this. It's like an air 15. He's like, and then I noticed halfway through it. He did not speak any English because they had to have like a translator. And then there was a, you ever get a haircut? And then you're sitting next to a guy with a horrendous haircut walking out.

And you're like, oh, I am. 100% a goofed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, every once in a while, like, if you have, like, a good stylist, you can go and just be like, what will frame my face nicely? Well, you're allowed to say stylist. You got a long fucking Jesus hair. Well, I don't cut my hair. That's the fucking trick.

Dude, you know what? When I was a kid, not only did I have to get, like, the cut, they would, they would do that thinning thing where they take, like, the sheared blade. Yeah. Like, they just kind of, like, do that. And, like, then it, they comb it out to remove, like, chunks of it. Yeah. I hated that, dude. Let my hair be thick, dude.

See, I'm the opposite. My hair, my hair, when it gets thick, it goes too far out. Yes, I get an answer. Let it happen, dude. Let it happen. It will go out. And then it will go down and you'll have a beautiful flowing main, dude. But it used to get to a certain length for it to lay like you're just trusting. But even then, you're in poodle territory.

It's not going down. That's when you rock a bandana. You rock a truck. You're just asking me to be a different man than I am, Joe. You're like, you can't run around with like cornrows one day and be like, no, I'm not a fucking bandana guy. That is true. Come on, man. I want to get that shit.

I want to get the rose back. for a wedding. I got a wedding coming up. I don't want to distract too much, but it'll distract too much. You've been corned? Oh, I've had, yeah, yeah. We went on this beach trip two years ago, and I got like, sick cornrows, eight ball beads, that's awesome. That's sick.

Yeah, just taking pictures of my buddy's glock. You look like James Franco and Spring Breakers. Yeah, yeah, that's what I was going for. I was a very corny movie, dude. You ever see that one? No, and it's a, it's a, it's a crime I haven't seen it. I've watched the highlights on YouTube. It's a bad movie. It's not great. Yeah, but it made you horny, though, huh? Oh, yeah, I was bummed up the whole time.

And you become a woman overnight, it seems. You're no longer a little wizard of Waverly Palace. And oh, look at that, Vanessa Hutchins. Looks like somebody graduated from fucking high school musical and graduated to the fucking college of getting my fucking cockhart looking at this fucking movie. Damn, dude, what a fucking horny assman. But like at the same time.

I don't like horny movies, dude. I'm done with one of the movies. Dude, let me tell you, the divergent path. have taken two different roads, my friend. I don't like a horny movie. Why don't you guys like horny movies? I want a family friendly or a pornography. Dude, how else?

Separate the world. You see what? You guys probably grow up from a different eras. I grew up in the childhood where you had to rent a movie from blockbuss. Yeah, 100%. I agree. No, no. I was a HBO

cat house. I was all those things. But my thing is this, now that I've done all of that, now I'm just like, with Instagram and everything, I'm too horny all the time that I kind of like watching a movie where it's like an ugly woman in it and I'm like oh that's nice

because like I think you know what maybe it's because I'm single now when I was in a relationship I don't know why I was fine watching horny movies but now I just want to fuck the women in the movies and kind of upset that's the best thing sometimes you need to you know what like sometimes

when you get like horny watching a cartoon or something you're like okay this is my reminder I need to go beat off so I can't be I don't need a reminder I am no it's always there it's like the old Lizaruni so I can enjoy this Hentai. That's why George wanted

an ugly secretary. What's it? That's why George wanted an ugly secretary. George Bush? No, George in Seinfeld. George in Seinfeld. Even the ugly secretary was

it was the appeal of fucking an inferior. Yes. Like somebody beneath you. Would you ever fuck a secretary? Well, I think a secretary would be above me because I'm like a janitor kind of guy.

No, what if you had like a secretary? Like you go back to your janitor's office and she's like, Marty missed a good throw up on the fucking third floor that he gives you all your miscalls. Yeah.

You are your janitor of school, right? No, no, I never been a janitor, but that's just how I see myself in office. He gave you a background already.

Your janitor is a little bit. I was the secretary. I've been a secretary, so I'm kind of like not about, oh, look at Patty coming out, showing some nudity. Wow. Getting it flagged.

You know, dude. Nice, dude. I predicted that. Yeah, yeah. He just dropped his towel. Yeah, he didn't show us his penis or his butt. And a little turd

just fell out of his asshole. What a goof. What a scamp, dude. You never know what to expect with that guy. You don't. How cool is that, dude? What, what, what, what fun camaraderie you have where it's like, yeah, I'm going to podcast, but hey, maybe my guy's like, I got to fucking clean my balls.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, that happens, dude. If I appear on camera, I appear on camera. They'll, he'll do his podcast there. I'll have, like, horrendous diarrhea in the episode. Not, you know, it's not like, shitting. You could just as easily adjust, like, the camera angle. So it's just, like, right in that.

corner over there instead. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I should have gotten like his string so I could just pull it and follow Patty as he walks to his room. Ooh, that would be good. Yeah, you got a little fucking air drone. Yeah. Going back. And then like it cuts like... I wonder how much of drones just became a sex criminal thing?

I mean, it's getting there pretty much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what keeps it going is like that hand, those handful of dorks out in like a park that are like, I want to get a good view of myself in 4K. I'm high. You know? And then like, there's the guy like, I want to go see this woman on dress. Well, a lot of it, you ever seen bum drones? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that is so fucking Chuck Rocks at it. So entertaining. Everything fucking, everything fucking, what an age we live in, dude. Oh, can you hold up here on the mic, by the way? On the hand, yeah. Ha ha, dude. Patty And Michael yelled at you, dude. But no, yeah, the, the, the bump fights

I love, I've gotten into a prison talk. You see that? It's like TikTok for prisoners. You were watching the early bang bus episodes where you didn't know if like, is this real or is it Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the guy bang bus where the guy is kind of like,

I guess I'll bang a hot port star. Dude, I hate when the dude talks the whole time. I guess I have to have sex with this guy or they're going to kill me. Yeah. Have you seen the one way they hold a gun to her head? It's fucking crazy.

You're on a different plane of life, man. I think that's a Serbia and log in with like a fucking VPN get on the dark world. You're on some tour shit, yeah. That's the way to do it. You goob.

You're just sliding. I never, I love, he, he has such a level of commitment what he does that you can't even. It's all a goof. That's like the beauty of it all. Wink, wink, wink. Wink, wink, my friend. I'm feeling great, dude. I'm telling you, man, the caffeine pills, the marijuana, a little, just, just.

It looks like a lot of refit. A dollop of meth. I've been smoking, I've been smoking an eighth of weed every day. Yeah. Yeah. Good Lord. I'm sad. You're on an astral plane.

Don't worry about me. You're sad? Yeah. It's somebody because you left last week and we're like, I think that might be the happiest guy now. Michael. After that episode, I tried to kill myself. Really? Yeah, but then you message me and said, do you want to do a set at

my midnight show? And you took the rope off? And I, like, I fucking, like, gave myself a Heimlich maneuver and my cyanide pill went flying on my mouth. And I said, Mr. Good at showtime. And I said, all right, I got the, I got the windup. If I have the greatest set ever filmed,

I won't kill myself. That's what happened. that's why you're here. I mean, we're podcasting, my friend. Yeah, yeah,

there we go. You fill in the fucking, yeah, you fill in the lines, dude, you fill in the blanks. I remember what time I had a friend who,

uh, ended up killing himself, but damn, dude, what was his name? Uh, Sean, Greg Geraldo.

Yeah, damn, bro. Was it Greg Gerald? It was Greg Gerald. Was it, was it, uh, Adrian Brody or what was his name,

Adam Brody? It was, Brody Stevens. Most celebrities before they killed himself, they message me first. Really? Damn, Robin Williams was like, hey, Michael, I could really use a friend right now.

Yeah, I was like in the 10th grade, but he's like, I heard everybody in high school said you're very funny. Yeah, dude. You know, I feel like Robin Williams wouldn't have killed himself if you saw my set. Totally. Because he was around like, he was in like the Bay Area. Yeah. And he was doing shows, but he wasn't doing shows with the old Jay Wolf. He was probably like, oh my God, company sucks.

Look at all these maggots. Oh, God, everyone's gay. Oh, it sucks. Come on he sucks. You know, I'm going to kill myself. And then like, I'm up here and I'm like, oh, what's up? Trans people aren't people. I hate black people

you know really fucking knocking out of the park with some classic kids You were saying that in 2000 No What year was that? You were early Yeah

Early to the games People weren't even around And you're like No they're not real wolf You're like what are you talking You were trying to prevent it I was a trance person Yeah

You ain't that a part of a car Yeah When I was a kid I was mad at my parents I was probably like 10 or 11 Oh nice I was listening to mad Eminem And I was just like

I hate my life And I hate my parents So I grabbed the only pills I could find and just, like, swallowed the whole thing, but it was fluoride. So all I did was just, like, have the shit's wicked bad and, like, think I was going to die for about probably six hours. Yeah. Great teeth, though. One time I was thinking about suicide, so I took a bunch of pills, and I saw it was Viagra. He just had to fuck your way out of the darkness.

And they said, if you have erections lasting longer than four hours, call a doctor. Hey, Michael. if I have erections lasting longer than four hours, I'm telling everybody. I don't think you've got to tell anybody. I think you're showing them, buddy. You ever heard that one? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just wrote that one now, so I don't know how you're going. Well, I've heard that you call a prostitute, not a doctor. Yeah. But it's so funny, too, because that's always a funny, that was a dumb prank. It's like, you have erection more than four hours and call a prostitute. It's like, what about the woman that you already took the boner pills for? Oh, yeah, that's true. Have you ever taken a boner pill?

I'm too shy. I have taken. I take them a lot. Yeah. I'm the same bonus you. I am like... There's something with our fucking generation. Well, you know what it is?

There's guys out there taking boner pills. So if you're, you're going to go ahead and be the guy not taking the boner pills? You're on the JV squad immediately? But I need to take bonner. No. Because I have difficulty getting

and maintaining an erection. Well, part of that's probably just because porn is everywhere. I don't watch that shit. I'm straight edge. Yeah. No man with a mustache doesn't watch porn. I'm just kind of fucking have this woman,

this footage of the woman going into the bathroom play. on a screen and if I happen to walk by and if I happen to see it and if it happened to make me come then so be it I like that I don't watch porn I just watch videos of women

defecating it's not pornography they don't know there's a camera inside the porterpotties you can actually illegally do that what you definitely tell that to Chuck Barry brother tell that to Chuck Barry no it's different did you have to have it at a restaurant he had a restaurant if you have it

he had a restaurant you fool no but he You have to have him go. He had him. Wait, Chuck Barry did that? Chuck Barry was film women defecating, but it was at the privacy of his own house, which is technically illegal. But if you have it at like your restaurant and stuff, you can say it's for public safety. Yeah, but then there's that I don't know about it. Why is the men's bathroom not?

He's like, well, the women are more in danger. Come to Gorman's house of grilled cheese. You come for the grilled cheese. You stay for the toilets. What is this one? A grilled cheese with 15 laxatives on it? It's just you with a hot plate outside of a commode, dude. Okay, each grilled cheese comes with a free 20 ounce glass of prune juice. Why is there two mirrors in here?

It's not even like, it's not even individual like bathroom stalls. It's a giant trough. You have a drone just flying in this dog. It's for your safety, ma'am. It's got like a speakers on it. Merrim, this is for your safety. Please do not stop taking a dog. You know what?

I think it's because women spent so much time saying like they never took a shit that the idea of a woman's shit has become so fetishized and taboo like now we now it gets us off. I like you just speaking for the whole. I was going to say, I'm not going to say I've never watched a woman taking shit. I've all gotten a fucking mass part on from it. I've tugged to it before. But I've said it like this.

It's like it's like a band. You know, it's like I tried it out for a little bit. Not for me. It's not my genre. Oh, please. everyone's into, you'll have to come back to it, man. Maybe when you're a little more educated like jazz, it takes a PhD.

I didn't have a guy, one time just show me, this one guy barking at the pair, just show me a video of a woman taking a show, it goes pretty hot, right? And I was like, I was like, the risk, the social risk you took to just assume I was into that? Who was it, T.J. Francis? No, no, no, no, I'll tell you later. Tell us on the camera, it's

okay. I'll protect you. I mean, they wanted it out there. Yeah. He subconsciously, like, gets off knowing people, know what he gets off too. No, that's definitely a thing, for sure. And it's kind of win-win because he could be like, I'm such a joker.

But in reality, he's just like, nice. He likes that too. He's like, I'm not a mania. He's also like that. He's like, yeah. He's like, yeah. He's like, yeah. He's like, he's like, yeah. You can't help it, dude.

When I saw two girls woke up, I'd only seen like maybe, I don't know, a few horns before that. So I was like, oh, this actually is doing something. Oh, they started throwing up. That's like, zero to 60. You went into the frying pen to the fire, like, real quick.

You see, I had like a good like seven or eight years of internet porn to callus me up. Joseph, how old are you? You didn't blanket two girls one cup. It was just another day in the office for old Joey G. He's 62, right? Yeah. How old am I? Yes.

I'm 39. Wow. I'm 34. Nice. How do you feel? Shitty. Yeah. You know what?

It only gets worse, dude. It doesn't get better. You don't get like some fucking second wind. The most you get is a TRT prescription. That's the most you could hope for is to get a little testosterone. I would love a test boost, dude. I got a test boost, dude. thyroid issues.

I've always said, I want to do a bunch of steroids and then just work out a bunch but then tell people I'm doing literally nothing. Should we like getting ice cream? Should we get into steroids? Yeah, but you got to do it for like one cycle. You don't want to get,

that'll like fuck your liver up. Can I only get a six pack but then just be fat everywhere? Is that a possible? Yeah, you absolutely can, dude. It's like the idea, it's called the ideal male proportion. Just like I'm fat, I'm sloppy,

but somehow I just have a nine pack just right in the middle. It's just drooping around it like a fucking candle. Completely shredded. Like I turn and the love handles like swing, but you can still see. Like you're wearing a garter belt or something. It's like that droopy dog cartoon.

Yeah. With the fucking jowls going all around it. Nice, dude. Damn, dude. What an age, dude. Well, I'm going to get some TRT. Yeah. That's what I'm going to get for my 40th birthday.

Do you have a guy? I know a guy. No, I'm going to get a Bain style where like I just have like a little like fucking thing hooked up to my wrist and I turn it on and like it pumps the fucking formula into my head. Yeah, I kind of didn't like how they didn't do that in the Dark Night Rise. I know. And the other one, they literally, he was like a retarded muscle

man. They was just like, ugh. They need a happy medium, somewhere between the two of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not quite like a fucking conniving mastermind who isn't juiced up. Yeah. Not a juiced up retard, but Batman's equivalent with a physical advantage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you watched the penguin?

I was watching that. I didn't want. I have to watch you tonight because... I'm not going to ruin it. Okay, thank you because I'm supposed to talk about it on my other podcast, Super Selly Joe's with Alex Thomas Selly. I told him I was going to watch it, but damn, dude, I don't want to do a homework assignment. Isn't that? That was me before this. I'm like looking up stories like,

okay, these monkeys in India stop this woman from being raped. I'm like looking up all. I'm like, they did? Yeah. Bad monkey, dude. Damn, could you imagine that? I'm like, oh, I finally got you bitch. I finally got you. And all of a sudden, like, I'm fucking I'm about, I'm like unzipping my pants and like a fucking banana peel falls on my shoulder.

And I'm like, what the fuck is that? I fucking knock it off. I'm like, now, back the raping bitch and then like the fucking like hey hey hey yeah like what the hell like a bunch of monkeys are throwing like poo at me and shit yeah they they they brought a six year old not they this guy brought like a

child into rape and all these monkeys just chased a child into rape that's awesome dude abandoned buildings in India I'm like also that's that's the problem how cool in that joke like I make myself the rapist so many comics are like oh I'm a good person everyone has like this bugs bunny

morality in their bit where it's like I saw this racist guy and I went up to him and said, Hey, Mr. Stop being fucking racist. And then the race guy was like, I'm fucking dumbfounded by how psychologically better you are than me. I'm fucking crumbling.

Yeah, yeah. Not me, dude. I fucking, in mine, I'm fucking about to rape a woman and then monkeys stop me. You're always the heel. You're always the heel. I'm humble for the sake of the bit because I can't like be like, I'm a good guy because they're like,

look at this fucking disgusting guy. He's not a good guy. You're the wrong Jeremy of podcasting. Yeah, and that's like the best. And he is also a bad guy and raped. Well, like, I mean, like, he raped and didn't he randomly just get Alzheimer's? He got away with it. Yeah, yeah, because he's like, I don't know what's going on.

He pulled an Uncle June where he pretended to have Alzheimer's, they got it for real. Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly like Uncle June. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. No, but I agree. Well, I think that's one thing that holds people back in comedy is like trying to look more. Like, like, I'll say, yeah, everyone looks to look cool.

I'm guilty of it too. I'll say something really fucked up big. No, no, no, I don't actually. I don't actually believe that. It's like obviously I don't actually. It's like how can I believe? Like how am I strong enough to rape a woman? Yeah. You know, you have to be able to be like little jumps and shit, dude. Yeah. I'm all like fucking wind up. I'm like, get out of here, bitch. I'm not even going to. I'm like, I'm like fucking winded. Just like exciting myself.

So if I see you bench pressing, I know you've got plenty right now. Yeah. Yeah. He's, oh, he's training for something. It's all part of like the joy of humor, which I think is like, you shouldn't take yourself too serious. I think that's truly the The poison of comedy Which I am so guilty of in my child Everyone takes themselves certain You know what you gotta take a bunch of acid Yeah, yeah

And melt your ego away Yeah, yeah, yeah You gotta take like five hits And like maybe you might think about That sounds so scary You might think about killing yourself But if you make it through You're gonna be a comic

Who's like gonna make jokes about Being a rapist It's a hero's journey It's gonna, you know what And you know what the best part is like man I hope the audience enjoys that bit as much as you guys enjoyed that bit. Because that's a good chance they didn't.

Because that's the other funny thing about podcast is like, you don't have the instant gratification of an audience response. Right. I have, you know, you guys are, we're all chuckling, but there's like an understanding and an energy of knowing somebody.

But you take the clip out of context, like, oh my God. Oh, they know at this point. The morning good fans. We're just goofy. I know.

But what if it goes viral? Seven million views. Yeah. Not everyone's a Michael good. And it's just you're saying, I'm about to rape. And then just, it.

Yeah, and then, like, they cut out the heroic rescue by the monkeys. Yeah. The Disney-esque rescue by these fucking animals. Sorted by monkeys and they're going to make it into like a, they're going to make a whole like super complication. I'm going to rape. I'm going to rape. I'm going to rape, rub, bro, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, and then they're going to play. It's going to be like that song.

I'm going to rock right now. Yeah, yeah. But it's going to be you just saying, I'm going to rape right now. We got to bring that back. Just a sick drop at a wedding. Yeah. We got to bring back like the internet remixes. Yeah, those are fun.

We moved away from it. The news stories. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Oh, my damn. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. It's like, it's almost a generational thing now. We're like new kids don't fucking know what that shit is. Yeah, but I am happy in the new generation of monkeys that are stopping rape from happening. I'm not. That's crazy. Bad gorilla. Ugly gorilla. Fucking knock it off. A fucking sign language. No stop. If you had 10 guesses to what would stop the rape you were trying to commit, would monkeys even come to mind? No. I mean, I'd have Batman. on there before I have monkeys. What the hell? Batman? What are you doing here? Slow night. Yeah, that is true. I know it's a PG-13 thing, but has

Batman stopped to rape once in any of the movies? No, he's always prioritized. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe it's her thing. Have you established a safety word? Yeah, it's funny because he has earphones where he can hear all kinds of sound. You know what I'm talking about? Interesting. The little pointies. Yeah, yeah. There's a, at least in the dark night once you can hear sound but he's never stopping

I guess maybe it's a PG-13 movie yeah it's like the director's cut where they're like Mr. Nolan did you really need to dedicate 20 minutes of movie time to Batman tracking down and stopping attempted rapes throughout Gotham

you need to show how evil but not irredeemable the city is yeah yeah it's like Razal Ghoul's like this city has to be burned although rapist Batman's like some of them are good guys you got to hear both sides of the story first. Maybe we can educate them.

She has a track record. They were both drunk, okay? They just need to know consent is hot. We can teach them. Dude, by the way, talking about that. I saw the funniest thing on some girls. I saw this girl's field profile. It said consent is important to me.

No, it's not. That's so... Grow up, shut up, bitch. Counterpoint. No, it's fucking not. I don't know the comment's name, I got something for you, sweetheart. I went to union.

I thought you stopped with all this fucking hearsay nonsense. Come here. I went to Union Hall as this girl was like finishing a joke and all she said was asking for consent is gay. That's fucking, that's fucking tough. That's all you heard. Damn, I got to fucking get. I got a fucking book this chick on a fucking road gig.

Hey, sweetheart, I got a road gig for us. Oh. It's in Gotham. Yeah. Oh, hey. I, uh, ooh, they only gave us one room with one bed. But don't worry. I'll sleep above the.

covers and you sleep underneath. Don't worry. Oh, that? That's opportunity knocking, not my rock, hard cock trying to get into your tight little asshole, huh? Did you try that? Can you be a rapist? Just the whole episode? Yeah, I'll try. The whole episode, the rest of the night. This is just some harmless fun. No actual female comedians got raped throughout the course of this podcast. Right, Michael? Good. Uh, I, don't want to make promises. You know what? The only way I'm getting arrested

is if it were illegal to respect women. Yeah. Can I tell you that? You're going to get arrested in India because... You got to come there. You have the right to remain

under arrest. Anything you're sick and will be used against you and dislife out of an Indian condition. Pretty cool, huh? That is pretty cool, yeah. I'm like Robin Williams, the man of it.

I told you, dude, if he just lived long enough to hear me do that Indian voice. Yeah. Yeah. How do you? What do you think it would be if, you know, the September 11th terrorist attacks? What if they happened in July? All right, everybody, get down.

I need you all to stay down. And then you know what may be in the next life? You'll come back or something really cool. But right now, in the name of Vishnu, we're crushing this plane. Thank you all very much. Okay. I'm interested. I just want to understand.

Why in July would the terrorists be interested? Indian instead of... Because Indians would have booked that day. Okay. But they missed their opportunity. The flights are too expensive. That would be funny if there was multiple other people who tried to commit on 11, but they got beaten to the punch.

Yeah. They were like, God damn it. Well, now we got to try something else. Well, I really want to get... There's a really sick... It's an Osama. I was just thinking about what if September 11th was September 21st, so then that Earth, Wind and Fire song was like super tough to listen to.

Oh, that would be a terrible timeline. Good thing we live on the one where it happened. I thank God every day that happened on September 11. That was so fucking, you, like, retroactively watching a lot of those, like, post-9-11 videos are just so funny. The overcompensation of patriotism. My dad has served. That song does give me rock.

There's merch. There's 9-11 merch. There's 9-11 merch. It's fucking crazy. You can get, like, a coin of, like, the fucking firefighter was raising the flag and the rubble. Like, remember when George Bush throughout, like, the first fucking pitch? Yeah. World Series.

And I think it was like right down the middle, baby. And that's how we knew America was coming back. Yeah. When he threw out the first pitch of the World Series. And it was like, you know what? All right, dude. America's back. America's fucking fine, dude.

You know what? It was funny because on September 11th, I was like walking around and then I happened to just look up into the night sky and I saw the two beams of light. Oh, this year? Yeah. Oh, yeah. We did an episode that day. We did.

And I left and I was like, damn, maybe America's going to be all right. and then I saw the and then I saw the image and I was like damn it is yeah yeah we're back you know what those those those two towers are a bit of an eyesore

I like the new design yeah I kind of don't disagree with you they're two 90s looking yeah it looked retro it would it would stand out it'd look gross yeah and one has a it doesn't have the timeless appeal

of like the Chrysler building or the empire yeah dude I completely agree big fucking boxes. They look like this. They just look like two big Xboxes. Yeah.

You know? It's like fucking. And then I don't like how one had a antenna and the other didn't. Also, it's like how it's like ridiculous they came down so fast. Yeah. I mean, that's just like bad construction.

The Limbiscuit filmed rolling on one of the Twin Towers. Yeah. Fucking a week later, they were like no more. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Uh-huh. Do they get that video out?

Yeah. And then they pulled it like pretty immediately. But there's still like copies of it out there. I'm sure. Yeah, you can probably look it up on YouTube. I bet that's so fucking, because there was also that video of Spider-Man putting the helicopter

between the Twin Towers to advertise the movie. Yeah, because that came out in 2002, right? Yeah, but, like, they had to delay that and then, like, they had to remove the Twin Towers from the movie. And then there was that scene where, like, Spider-Man lands on the American flag, and people are like, oh, my God, all right.

And then, like, Green Goblin's going to kill Spider-Man, and then the New Yorkers were throwing, like, trash at Green Goblin. They were like, fuck you, Gwing Goblin! like he's a, that's a New Yorker. We take care of each other. Yeah, yeah. Nothing tops the Joey Diaz.

You want to get him, you gotta go through me. Dude, I get, that's like the funniest thing in all the Spider-Man movies. It's like, New Yorkers are heroes too. Yeah, that's what they always do. Like, New Yorkers like, we gotta help Spider-Man. Yeah, yeah. I love that shit. Even though, Spider-Man?

In the scenario where Green Gop, no. I don't think I'm as much of a hero. I was just thinking about this. if I was in prison, I would learn really good how to suck dick, so I wouldn't get fucked in the ass. So you would just be a horror? Yes, I'll be so good at sucking dick that nobody would want to fuck my ass. So you don't even want to try to fight. You just want to.

No, no, no, I'm going to become an ex-I don't want to swallow my problems. I was just thinking about today, I was watching as a prison talks. But, like, the fact that you don't want to get fucked into the ass is going to make it so appealing. Oh, that's true. And then, like, oh, it's untainted. It's pure. Oh, that's a good point. Pure assol.

Yeah, but it's like, dude, I'm going to be like, I'm going to have, you know those, like animals that can... I love it. I love it. I love it. You're just gonna be so good at sucking their dick. They're gonna fall in love with you. And you're like, don't rape me in the eyes. They're like, okay, sweetie. Yeah. Like, you're so good at it. Yeah, that's my first kill. And I'm gonna have, I'm gonna have these cat like reflexes. By the way, once a week, I'm like, what if I go to prison? I just think about it.

I feel like that's like the standard white guy fucking fear is like, what if... I get raped in prison. We go to prison and I get raped. Yeah. It's like, how long can I go without taking a shower? Yeah, yeah. How long would I, how long do you think? would be like a long time and I feel like eight years in prison is like a manageable amount of time but enough time has passed when you come out that you're like wow everything's different

yeah yeah yeah everything would be pretty different well I guess eight yes that's about it's almost as much as I've been doing comedy like 7.4 years well imagine that like you know when I go to prison you're just like a little boy and I come out and you're like the greatest comedian to ever live yeah my god so much time has passed yeah it's been so long yeah yeah that is interesting I think you more about the rapes And how I protect myself How would you protect yourself? I told you I'd get mastered

But what I would do is I would have What's an animal that can just snap around really fast? Almost like a like an owl Yeah like an owl Exactly So my head my head would The second they try to fuck my ass My head would turn around and land right on their cocks

And the second I'd have to be so good That I'd have to give them pleasure In 0.03 seconds They go I'm good Immediately I just snap my head back Start sucking the dick

I love the idea that that's how you pull it off Yeah yeah I believe. And then where it gets around, you don't want to, I start spreading rumors about how gross my ass is and how good my mouth is.

Yeah, you stop showering. Yeah, nobody wants a poopy butt. There you go, yeah. Yeah, well, I've heard that's a technique a lot of men who use. Just no showers?

Yeah, just because they're like, yeah, they're like, they just don't want to get fucking... I mean, what a double-edged sword, though, because if you and I are in a cell together and you're just not showering, I'm like, bro, I'm not gonna fuck you, but you smell terrible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably get nose blind to it. Yeah. I don't have a sense of smell anymore. If you're fucking dudes in the ass all the time, you're not like, ewe, this one's kind of smelly. Yeah, that's true. You're not going to be gay about fucking a dude in the ass. Ew, it's gross.

Or I just like drag his ass into the shower and be like hose him down. Yeah, he's already wearing the raping. Again, you're the aggressor. Yeah. Yeah, well, why not? In this situation, he's dirty-ass guy, fucking afraid of getting raped? Come on, dude. Time to add a little fucking, you know, two birds of one stone, make them.

not smelly and then like, you know, it's funny too. It's I've recently had women try to put fingers in my ass and that's where I'm realizing. It's not enjoyable. I hate it. You guys are homophobic. No. No, I'm not.

I've tried too many times. I've tried too many times. Are you afraid you're going to pull it out and have a little fudgeticle instead of an index finger? It's also funny that you're like, I would suck a dick. You're homophobic. You are. No, bro.

I'm actively trying to suck dick in prison. Vile. Let a woman fucking penetrate you a massage. your prostate. Oh. What's the worst? Are you afraid you're going to

shit the bed? No, it hurts. It hurts. It hurts a little bit. You just got to be like, gently, baby. Gently.

I'm tender. And like, what you got to do is like when she's doing that, you got to pull it out and then like suck the finger so it's moist. And then like put it back into your own asshole. My God. That is. That is definitely not.

Does that excite you? My description. Does that excite you, very quickly off the time? Did you get a little, did you get a little tingle that you thought you would never get in your life, dude? The forbidden tingle.

I know, dude. I'm aware of the effect I have on people, dude. Damn, dude, it's like Dr. Ruth lives on through me in a lot of ways. Ruth, he's Dr. Ruth. She was an old sex doctor. Yeah, an old sex doctor that was all about like female empowerment

in the orgasm. You know who I did watch it was hilarious. My version of Dr. Ruth, this is my like preparing for the podcast. You watch your little penguin. Oh, yeah. That's the so kind of, you watch your little gay boy penguin. Yeah, you watch your little fucking shows.

What do you do, tough guy? Yeah, no, no. I was just watching this. this vice documentary about this Chinese guy who teaches a squirting seminar. He's like a squirting coach which is such a funny thing to do. He's a guy with like a small penis.

Chinese, me play joke, me teach you how to squirt in your Coke. The peepee and the are they peeping in Coke? It is peepee. But like I changed it for modern audiences. Peabee is squirt. Who was a dude that put a pub on a coke? Oh, that was a congressman.

Yeah. Somebody in Congress. What? Yeah. Some black dude was just like, I'm going to put my He's like, fuck this girl's Coke. He's like, fuck this bitch. Yeah. And then, like, so she sued him for sexual harassment. And then they did, like, this lengthy investigation.

And he got found guilty of pubine on a Coke. Yeah. Pubin. Who was that? Morris. I don't know. Morris. Morris.

Morris sounds like a name. Pube on a Coke. But, uh... It was a Pepsi thing, I believe. It was a Pepsi advertisement. The Pepsi challenge. This would never happen on a Coke. Who is a Coke?

A Coke. A Coke. A Coke. We'd never have pews on our Coca-Cola. I used to do a... I've said this before, probably, but who gives a fuck? My friend's mom was a Pepsi agent. Wow.

So, like, or no, Coca-Cola agent. So she'd go to restaurants and order a Coke. Yeah. And if it was Pepsi, she wouldn't, like, pull a gun or anything. But she would be like, you guys were shut down. I just started blasting. Yeah, yeah. Okay, Clarence Thomas put his chair on a Coke can.

Wasn't like a real respected guy? Yeah. Yeah. He was until he did that. Not a little vassful. Prove it's a pub. That's what I say. I bet she fucking loved it, dude.

She asked for it, you're saying. She loved it, dude. Yeah, yeah. She probably fucking turned her on. Yeah. You know how women are these mysterious creatures. They just want you to put your pubs all in the mouth. And sometimes they get mad when they don't have, they themselves don't understand what you're doing to them sexually.

You know, they get mad. I'm like, what's going on? Why are you in an alley? Why are you forcing yourself upon me? What's going on here? Yeah. We're just goofing, dude. Would you rather?

I know. These are just harmless little kids. Sometimes, look, I just, I just. Nobody's getting fired from their day job, all right? I work for my cousin. I'll be fine. Nice, dude. What's his name?

Ben. Ben. Cousin Ben. Oh, wait, Truso told me to ask you about that. Have you been fired because of this pod? Yeah, multiple times. What? Yeah.

I gotta hear it. Well, like, he's admitted to, like, committing a hit and run. Yeah. He's committed. He's admitted to, like, beating up a black guy. I like, you know what it is? He's done too many rape jokes now that he's like, he's got to push it off.

I see the wheels spinning. You're like, I can't say he raped because I'm the rapids in this podcast. Yeah. Yeah, like I'm going to beat up a black guy. Yeah, you could. That was something I was talking about the other day. You know, it's very interesting because everybody talks about how, like, you know, racism is when the group in charge is oppressed. That's like the new definition is that the group in charge oppresses the other group.

Oh, really? But if there's a black guy in the room, I am now the weaker group, no matter what the situation is. Yeah. I mean, we've bred them to be fucking wrong. I know. We've... Well, yeah, dude. Like, when we had slaves,

like, are you gonna have, like, a fucking weak-ass fucking slave that can't work all day? Like, no, you're gonna have,

like, a high stamina, fucking strong slave that can work all day. And now they're free, and now it's like, oh, fuck, we've created a superman. But you know,

it is interesting, though, African-African guys are also strong. How does that work? The field, Africa's tough, dude. You're saying that we,

Dr. Frankenstein, black people. We did. Modern, modern African, modern-day American. Dr. Toby's dined. Yes.

Yeah. Now, and then Africa also had slaves. Yeah, they do. So it wasn't, so, I mean,

like, they probably, like, were like, damn, look at these fucking, like, Americans mastering eugenics,

like, right out of the gate, breeding the strongest fucking slaves, we'll do it out here. And that's how you get, like, the super strong slaves,

super strong black people. No, like most NBA players and most NFL players are all, like, descendants of, like,

top tier slaves. Right. So we look back. we should make them do acceptance. If you look back on like, yeah, if you look back on like, thank you, thank you, thank you slavery. On the fucking books that had the fucking, I bet if you go back and you look up like LeBron James's great, great, great, great grandfather, you could find like the fucking like he's just the tallest slave is all these slaves and then just one and so much taller. Giant, like tall. You look it up,

it's just a basketball card. Yeah. What's his numbers, dude? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just watch, dude. That's how it happens. Yeah. Yeah. Science. welcome. It's cool, right? We're not that bad. Aren't you Japanese, though? I am. Isn't that cool? Do Japanese have slaves? No. They had comfort wives. That's when they would take

Korean and Chinese women back to their camps and basically make them like sex slaves. But they called them comfort wives to comfort the Japanese. That's a real euphemism. Isn't that? Oh, comfort a wife I do.

I love my wife. Comfortal wife Oh, you can't to rape a comfortable wife She's a comfortable wife Can you do a Chinese? I can't do it Chinese is very hard for me

Chinese is just a fucking grotesque language I won't dignify with the fucking racist characterature Yeah, I just know how to do it Yeah, because this Chinese guy It was just so cool to hear this guy He's like, like bang dong ding dong

I don't think that's it That's not bad I took you there right That's not bad Am I at the great wall all of a sudden? Yes sir One order of the poo-poo platter What the fuck is that?

It sounds like a giant baby. It did. It sounded almost human. I feel like they're changing the sirens to do that now to kind of get your attention. Yeah, because you drown them out in New York City. You do. Especially like, yeah, you get, it's really easy to get so used to the sound of like standard sirens,

but that one was new and horrifying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounded like alien. It did sound like an alarm. Yeah. Like this whole thing was about to go out. Or like a little kid throwing a tantrum running down the street or something. I picture like a giant baby running.

Yeah. Gross. Yeah. Do you want to be a father? No, I'm very scared. It's actually my biggest fear is probably to be a father. Or to be raped in prison and then being like your blowjub.

You get raped in prison. Bro, imagine being raped and a dad. Yeah. That's tough. He gets raped in prison. The next day he takes a test and it comes out positive. He's like,

oh no. I liked it. It's that simple. And the doctor's like, normally this doesn't happen, but you were raped so hard you became a woman. You're such a brissy. He has to go around to like every guy in the gang bang and be like, hey, I know, I know we had a lot of fun when you were gang raping me. One of you is going to have to step up. One of you was irresponsible and didn't wear a condom.

And now I'm pregnant. And it's like, I want everyone to take a fucking paternity test. And damn, that's actually a great idea for a movie. I wish to, I guess like, I guess. But you guys who rape a guy in prison, then he gets pregnant and ask, what? If Michael were, God forbid, God forbid, a trans man who still have a genitalia of a woman. God forbid I transition. Because, like, they have like that where, like, a trans man can get pregnant, you know.

Or a trans woman. Wait, is that a thing? No, it can't be. Yeah. A trans woman can get pregnant? Well, a trans man who is a woman with a woman initially. Who transitioned into man. Yeah, yeah, like Buck Angel. Yeah.

they have as so all right so in this movie who we can let's cast it Michael good Michael well here's that

Amanda Bines plays you as a woman and then you play trans Amanda Binds okay so Amanda Binds is like oh shit I'm just gonna fucking

transition into a man to get into it's easier for me to get out of a like the courts are more lenient on a man so I'm gonna transition

into a man and get away with a crime what the courts are more lenient on it is it a thing? Yeah it's definitely a thing Okay. So, like, you transition into a man.

And she's like, but I'm going to keep my pussy intact. So that way it'll be easier for me to transition back later. Like, it's just to get away with it. Okay. And the court is like, actually, your crimes are so heinous. And because you're a trans person, the least respected race on earth, we're going to send you to a fucking prison. We're going to send you to a man's prison.

And you're like, all right, whatever. I can survive a man's prison because I have the brain of a fucking woman. She has a vagina. Right. Oh, you're in trouble. That's what happens. Like, eventually you have to take a shower. Right.

Because, like, I'm going to, I'm going to, do like the, I'm not going to take a shower. And then, like, it always happens. Right. They drag you into the shower. Yeah. Gang rape you. Right.

You love it. Next day, you're pregnant. Right. Are you willing? This is a pretty powerful role. Like, although, like, you know, Jared Letto, he played a fucking trans person and it, like, really helped his career. Yeah.

Cillian Murphy played a trans person. As a man who is accidentally fucked a trans woman, I think I have a good. Did you accidentally or did you intentionally and repeatedly? I actually. Accidentally, accidentally. But after you did, did you go back for more? No, no, no, no. How was it accidental?

I found out three years later. I fucked a trans woman. I found out three years later. Would you fuck him in the butt? No, but I did bang her ass cheeks. It's called an ass job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you didn't notice a little pee-pee dangling?

No, there's no, like, as I fucked her a vagina, which was a trans vagina. Ooh, I've heard they're not great. This one was incredible. It's very tight. Oh, my compliments to the chef. Yeah. Hey, who's your doctor? I want to leave him a three-star Yelp review.

Who is it? I don't want to get coffee, but hey, job well done. Did you all listen to Howard Stern back in the day, like on the serious years? Yeah, yeah. Chavon was a trans woman, and one of the contests was to bang Chavon, and the guy ended up puking on the radio trying to do it and had to get out of there. What a downfall of greatness. That used to be the show.

Now he's like a little fucking, now he's like, oh, Tarantino, it's like your sixth movie? It's like, shut up. And he's also like, oh. Get your vaccines. Be safe. Get out of here, bitch. Yeah, yeah. Those vaccines did nothing.

I bet those vaccines fucking killed people. Yeah. I would even go... They definitely say that on YouTube. I do think those vaccines are like why like a lot of people have like just dropped dead.

Who just putting it together? Who is your just? You've just came to this conclusion. I just realize that. People in my life, dude. People in my life have died. I'm like, wait a minute. Maybe they was because of the vaccine.

People have died since the vaccine came out in your life. Yes. Wow. They get the vaccine four years later. Dead. Fucking dead. Car accident.

Like what happened? Yeah. Yeah. 93. I will say this. Patty actually does have a Johnson Johnson injury. He actually, he got, he got like, he wears his panty house. He got SARS.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. He has AIDS. Patty DeFino has AIDS from the vaccine. That's like gross, dude. Like they should have cleaned the needle. I know.

Patty, like that is like the reason I would never, I'm never getting. I am never getting another vaccine. I'm not getting Patty. I'm not having sex to. Patty because of that. Why not? Because he has AIDS from the vaccine. Would you, if a girl was like passed on the couch, would you and Patty both have sex

with her? No. What is this? This is some real gotcha journalism. I would not rape a woman, no. That's, I mean, that's, I mean, not with Patty. Someone else to tell the tale?

So you admit you'd rape a woman if you were all by yourself. That's not what I was saying. You just said, I wouldn't do it with Patty. You're like a... I know, I was kidding there. You're... I will reverse it.

If I was to rape, it would be with Patty because he's such a kind heart that I think he would do it in the least... Look, it's an evil act, but he would do the least evil version of the... Had it would be like, stop. Rape me instead, Michael. Yeah, that's what he would say.

He'd fall in the sword. Yeah, yeah. Rape has been said probably 900 times in this episode. That's a real lot. It's like, we have like... You should get a little counter at the bottom. Just like, I should...

I got to take the tinder. Yeah. I have the ticker. Like, you know, when the bouncer is checking the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just do that. And every time you say consent, you take one back. But I do think it's funny that what's issue goes,

consent isn't purport to be. It's just funny to be like, hey, don't rape me. Yeah, tell me you're in Brooklyn without telling me you're in Brooklyn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Brooklyn, unsafe. Yeah. No, thank you. You live here.

Yeah. That's because you're asking for that long, luscious hair. It's unsafe. Michael good. Thank God, Batman's not real, because you're having the time of your life out here. I know, dude. Having the time of my life.

Raping everyone in Brooklyn. I'd love to hold a city hostage, like a Gotham villain. How could that be? I would you do it. And only gets his dick sucked. Isn't that funny? I would love to do that.

Morgan Freeman's like, please don't make me do it. He's like, you must shock. Batman. But it used to be like you could take over like the TV stage. and shit, you know.

Max Heger. Like, you know, what are you going to do? You got to, like, post a video. Like, man, I hope this goes viral. Yeah. But, like, it's like, back in the day, it's like, hello people of Gotham. You know?

And he's like, I'm on every channel. Do you think, okay, so like, Bain does that, right? And all the villains, they always hack the channels. In between the hacks are people just watching other stuff, you think? Yeah. Like, do you think people are just watching the Jetsons? And then the Bain cops.

Some guys, like, beating off. Yeah. And all of a sudden, like, Joe's like Hello, Godth Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. Yeah.

It's like when you get a call, and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool, yeah, yeah, cool, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you, do you answer, like, sometimes people call you too many times you got to answer while you're still tugging? Yeah. And you got to, like, take a break. I know, I went on speaker. And I'm like, you'll have to, you'll have to speak up.

I'm having a panic attack. Yeah. If you held the city hostage, what would, like, what are your man's. A kiss. Wow. That's simple. You just kill a bunch of people for a kiss.

Until I have true love's kiss. It's just a dating show at that point. Let him go. I'll kiss you, damn it. Yeah, dude. I'm complex, man. Yeah. Maybe that's the movie, though,

is it's Batman's kiss that sets you free. I've always said it. By the way, don't steal this. I know a lot of. I got a lot of screenwriters listening to this podcast. Don't seal this. The one Batman version has not been done as a Batman romantic comedy. They have not done that.

You didn't think Batman Forever was a romantic comedy? It wasn't a comedy as romantic, though. It was very sexy. It was very sexy. You got Seale. Baby. Ha-ha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-n-ha. Did you get horny watching Batman, the Killing joke animated movie where Batman had sex with Barbara Gordon?

What? Back girl. He took advantage of his position. Isn't that cool? He loose Cater. I like it. I like it. I like it how it's like a father-daughter relationship.

I don't remember that happening in that. It wasn't in the comics. It's a different version. It took liberties. Really? That's a crazy liberty. But like they were showing like, she's banging Robin. Yeah. Isn't that cool?

But daddy needs a little taste first. Let daddy break her in first son. Make sure she's fit to taste. That's like the coolest part about being a dad. You've done that. Wow. All of our dads have, all of our dads have had sex with our girlfriend.

before we did to make sure they were appropriate. Well, that was like the premonautous thing, right? Didn't the king come? Premanocta, yeah. I used to have a bit about that, but then it ended up being fake. I used to have a bit about that, just the idea of Joe Biden coming to your house and fucking your wife. He's in the corner, he's like, shut up, man.

I'm just banging your wife. You're like, hey, wait a minute, you didn't ask for a consent. He's like, well, you shut up. I will say this. I've realized I am just sexist because I used to think I wasn't really a sexist guy. I think for the most part, I don't think I am. But then watching the debates, I see Kamala Harris talk. I can't pinpoint why I don't like her.

I'm just like, shut up, bitch. Yeah, it's literally my brain. Every time you start talking, I go, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, what it really is. And I'll tell you, this is 100% why it has nothing to do with her being a woman. It is 100% her being a cop. Yeah, maybe that's what she's got, she's got that cop arrogance. Yeah, it's like a principle, dude. And there's only one, there's only one solution for cop arrogance.

Yeah. A bullet between the eyes. these fucking cocky ass cops thinking they can go get around killing people. Did you care when they killed Trayvon Martin? That's a tough question because I didn't know enough about it to really

care. Now that you've educated yourself. Now that educated himself, I don't think he should have, I do not think George Zimmerman should have killed Trayvon. I don't think Trayvon Martin was eating M&Ms, that probably would have endeared me to him. He was eating Skittles. Right. So you're kind of like, who the fuck eat skittles? Right. It's such a disgusting candy. So is it using an unrelatable.

Skittles are like a diet candy. Like if I was on a diet, I would eat Skittles. Right. Right. So what you're saying is maybe he was hiding something. Taste the rainbow. That's a stupid fucking thing to fuck it. Let's reopen the Trayvon Martin case. Let's get back into it.

This just becomes like cereal for Trayvon Martin. A clearly closed case. Yeah. As a society, we've all. but what are we missing? Yeah. What's not there? What's hiding in plain sight?

Yeah, yeah. Just below the surface. There was supposed to be a celebrity fight between George Zimmerman and DMX and never happened. Because DMX died. No, this was like way before that. Oh, they should have Derek Chauvin versus... I do want Chauvin updates, you know. He really did change America.

Not, I mean... Is that crazy? I don't want to say for the better, but America has been better. Imagine... Imagine being... so good at your job, you go to jail. Isn't that crazy? Because, like, I mean, like, as a human,

he fucked up, he's a monster, he killed that guy, but for cop standards, he did what he was supposed to do as a cop. But being a cop is just being a racist. It's killing black people. Your job is to kill black people as a police officer. I've put together who Chauvin is.

He had the fugitive moment where he puts everything together. We're like, Oh my God. I've pieced the puzzle together. I'll take back what I said because I don't think anything's happened since. What, to Chauvin?

No, no, since George Floyd, it was like they just took down so it's always sunny episodes of Blackface. Then we're like, yeah, that's true. They took down, it's always sunny. They took down, I think, a Madman episode had it. Oh, that sucks. And then Chauvin changed his name to Andrew Chabone

and started comedy. Andrew Chabone. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's funny to do because then you look at like like people aren't any less racist now than they were before that. I feel like if anything like we're a little more like, well now that we've known like there's no true like repercussions to being canceled,

I think people are loosening up again. Right. I mean, I feel like things always kind of go on like a cycle, probably like a five year cycle now because everything is so expedited because of the internet. Well, maybe. I don't know. Do you think police have been lighter on black people?

Yeah, they'll chill with them now, dude. That is true. I have seen, like, uh, have they're, they're all fucking cops just get yelled at. Like, I was, I saw a cop. Yeah. The other day there's his black dude just yelling at a cop. He's like, I'm sorry. Sir, I'm not trying to make a scene. And he's just, and I'm not saying he should like, no problem. If I was a cop, I'd be like, okay, no problem. Bang, bang, man, bang, right? Six through the chest. And then you say I'm Japanese. And I'm like, oh, me so saudi. If you're

getting big dog does a cop, you're not doing your job. Yeah, you got to be like, hey, I'm a fucking police officer. Hey man. I mean, I'm NYU. I'm NYU. I'm in, I'm NYU. I'm NYPD Blue Baby and you're about to be black and blue and dead all over. Damn, dude, I'd fucking, I, I would get an award for discharging my firearm or should I be a cop?

It sounds like, dude, I feel like I should maybe become a cop for real. Like, I don't think there's like a, you would be the most interesting looking cop. You know that movie, that show The Rookie where it's like basically like a man in his 40s becomes like a job? Wait real quick, I'm just picturing you,

but you have, you know, a lot of cops have like a baseball hat on. Yeah. But you have a pony joke. Yeah, dude. I'm like, I can't work evenings because I want to do open mics. And maybe I'm booked. Maybe I'm booked.

I'm like, I'm waiting to go up at a mic. I'm like, we need all available units. I'm like, hey, I got to go up next, man. This is urgent, dude. I'm like, fucking police business. I'm confiscating this mic. Hey, everyone. I'll be there and just, I just really got to get a couple of things.

I want to workshop. things. Killing black people's crazy, right? You ever, you ever fucking kneel on a black guy's neck? It's been seven and a half minutes. You're like, how long is this going to take? This guy's running the light. I got stuff to do. Like, come on. Folks. You know, we've all

been there. Damn, that's actually a fucking great bitch. The Seinfeld, Jerry, should I, should I, should I, copfeld? Copfeld. Should we do that? Should we write that? Copfeld. An open mic police officer.

I like that idea. It's all coming together. Yeah. Do you want to be cop-feld? Yeah, for your breakup. I'll be cop-filled. Yeah, I got to do something. Nice, dude.

I got to get out of here. This is it. This is the role of a lifetime, dude. We got to figure out this character. What makes Copfeld, Copfeld? He's toward. He hates his wife. He hates his wife.

He hits his wife. Those stats are pretty high, right? Yeah. It's like a direct correlation. I think every cop hits their wife. Well, dude, you're getting yelled at at the bodega. You've got to take it out on somebody. That's true.

Yeah. Yeah, I wonder if that cop The guy yelled at now that he didn't yell back at that guy, now he's yelling his wife. He probably makes his wife play Paul Revere. He picks up like a bodegas Apple, puts it on her head, and he fucking tries to fire his gun

and shit it off. You ever seen that shit? That's how cops stay sharp. Isn't that crazy, dude? Isn't that fucking wild? I wish I was like, I could be a cop. I feel like I'd be a good cop. I'd be fucking easy on weed. I'd be going like those little

bodegas legal weed which is legal yeah I'd be going to bodegas and shit like on like and I'm like yeah give me a fucking eight

yeah getting a little fucking street weed I don't feel a fuck you know are you worried about dying dude

your brain does not stop it's a beautiful thing no I'm not really worried about dying I'm I don't know I think I'm worried about not accomplishing

the things I would like to accomplish What do you want to accomplish? I would like to, I don't know, it would be nice to make a living doing stand-up. I feel like I'm doing something different, but I don't think I'm doing it. But you have so many followers on this podcast, and, you know, you're getting like your own natural tribe through that, you know? Thank you. I appreciate that. I think everyone, but I feel like that's like a fear everybody has with, like, fuck, I mean, that's a similar fear I have.

I've been doing this long and people that have started after me have more successful. And what do I have to show for it? Well, you're hilarious. Copfeld. and you're cop on your cop one's co-creator of Copfeld the number one

action drama you to immediately go co-creator I think it's fair dude I mean come on dude I hate it when people are like

yeah I co-creators like well come on dude they're in proxy you mean you mean Judd Abato throwing his name on every single

Judabatow's a monster dude but damn did he fucking create some delicious little girls dude how great is it that they're of age now right

you ever see that shit little mod Apatow dude she was a fucking child in knocked up and now look at her holding her own with equally delicious Sid Sweeney. Isn't that cool, dude? You're going to apply to be a cop and it's this clip.

They're going to be like, no. And they're like, you're hired. I get police chief immediately. It's like, bring this guy in his fucking chief. Promote him. Commissioner Gorman. That's not bad. Commissioner Gorman.

What's up? It's like down with the mustache. Nice. I'm going to start smoking a pipe just full of weed. Freeze. NYPD. What a brag. Yeah.

I'm just gonna smoke weed. I'm gonna smoke weed as a cop. Yeah. What's up, man? I'm Gungia Cuff. You could get dreads. You should get fucking corners, dude.

Ooh, maybe I should, dude. You'd have sick cornrows, dude. You'd have like a mullet corn row. Yeah. Damn, dude, do you think I got to find a black person that fucking notch me up? Well, we're in Brooklyn. I'm not even kidding.

You go right there. They do rose there. Let's do it. Yeah, yeah. Let's go after the show. I do something else I have to do. What do you have to do? What's more important to be in corner?

what? I'm not going to say it because it's pretty lame. Are you going to have sex with a man? No. I wish. It's not lame. I wish. I should start, though, just in case I do go to prison. I think I want to start sucking all these dicks so I get good enough to wear if I do go to prison. Because this is the problem with my formula.

I think I'm just going to get so good at sucking dick that fast. It's going to take decades, so I should start sucking dick now. I bet you're a natural attitude. Thank you. That's so sweet. Only one way to find out. Well, maybe I'll push back what I have after this thing, I'll suck your wiener.

That's how all pornoes start. That doesn't feel so bad to suck a penis, have it go soft in your mouth. Yeah. That's to feel like such a dis... It's like, oh, sorry, ugly. Yeah, it's like, I go soft on women, it happens. But it's like, that has to feel so insulting.

Yeah, I had a girl ask if I liked my soft dick sucked and that it was like one of her fetishes. And I was just like, I will never show you my soft penis. Really? I'm gonna fucking punch up before anyone sees it. If you guys are like, show me your dick, could be like, give me a minute. Really?

See, I actually, I have a fetish. I like women saying my penis is small. Really? Yeah, yeah. Wow. It's average penis. I like, I like women saying my penis looks disease-free. Yeah.

And I'm like, oh, baby, you know just what to say. Let's keep this roleplay going. That thing's not disgusting at all. Wow. You're a great actress. That dig doesn't look like it's full of AIDS. What a normal penis. Ooh, come here.

It's everybody. Oh, come over here. When you say full of AIDS, it's just so funny. AIDS is really like a, you just got it or you don't. Are there levels of AIDS? Yeah, like Magic Johnson, he still technically has AIDS at an undetectable level. Okay. But it's still there.

I mean, if you tell everybody, it's pretty detected. You know, once you go public, it's like this guy has AIDS. That's the way cancer is. Apparently everyone has cancer. It's just that it becomes detectable depending on shit, you know? Interesting. Okay. Isn't that, well, are you scared about that?

No, no, no. I'm just, I'm just thinking about. Copfeld ideas. Copfeld. Does he have a roommate? Should he? I guess he should, right? Yeah, yeah.

His roommate is a fucking reformed felon. Oh, wow. I like that. This is actually a great idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Copfeld. Yeah, and Kramer's still going to say the end. Actually, this time, Jerry says the end word.

500 years ago, you'd be hanging out of a tree with a fucking fork off your ass. Yeah. He's like, he's like, ooh, tough crowd. Yeah. His apologies are so funny because he's just so like, he's, still so performative. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I, I, the idea that I ever said the end or not saying.

I got upset. I was doing my routine. I like, yeah. I like it would be, I like, I'd like if you were in that room, you would have said the same. Shouldn't talk during, should you talk. If you see a black guy, you'd just say the same. I would have said, I probably would have said the same thing. It's so funny when Seinfeld went on Letterman and they just like lowered the TV screen of him just being like, oh, yeah.

He said Afro-Americans, which is so funny. that's such a dad thing to say yeah it's like weird who says afro america the audience is also like laughing being like what the fuck's going on he's like I can hear them laughing you know this isn't a joke it's like you yelled the N word at a comedy and then like like stop laughing

it's not funny it's like oh it's not funny it's exceptionally hilarious jare bear Seinfeld also copfeld's gonna have to be a little bit of a cunt because Seinfeld has so many rules and shit about comedy that make no sense that's why he won't let me open for him yeah this goes breaking all the rules

No rules. He's got cornrows. Nobody wears cornrows on stage. What are you doing? Are you a farmer? Cornrows? Love your pants. He's like Cosby

with his rules. He keeps talking about rape this whole time. But he's the rapist in the joke. Why does he keep putting it as a list of the rapist? I can't follow. This is too good. Too well-crafted.

I'm a fraud. I'm nothing. He's going to have a meltdown. See you. He fucking pulls out of gun, kills himself. So, so Robin Williams would save himself if he saw your comedy. Yeah. Jerry Seinfeld would kill himself. Isn't that crazy?

I would be a better world. It's, it's wild how God will like, it checks and balances. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, so it's like, are you sure? That's what you want? It's a very monkey pause scenario. That's true. Yeah, the world would be kind of different with,

Rob Williams would also be a lot right now. You think he'd be like, you think you'd be like, uh, he would have been a Jumanji, the remake. Robert Robben-Millons would be pro-Trump I can see that, yeah, yeah Oh, I love Trump He's a great guy

Funny guy Yeah, yeah No, he'd fucking fucking pander For Kamala He would 100% be a Oh, Camala He'd sing like fucking songs About how great Kamala is

And shit Everyone's like pretending Like the funniest Like the funniest fucking thing right now In pop culture Are celebrities pretending Politicians have like any kind of personality Oh, it's hilarious

Like everyone's like blown away By Tim Walls Just being like a fucking man over the age of 50. That video is so funny. He's just working on a car. He's like, I know how to work on cars. You're like, shut up.

That literally would be like if they had a guy be like, hey, I like getting pussy and talking like a retard too. I'll be like, he's just like me. Yeah, it's like everyone's like, oh, that's like my, it's like, hey, Tim Wall's like, hey, Trump's like a bad dad. I'm like the dad you wish you have. Yeah. Trump is like, Trump is like your real father and Tim Walls is like, you know, the fantasy

you escape to where you're like, someday I'll have a real father. He's a baseball coach. Yeah. Yeah. I do feel bad to do this. We've got to wrap up. Hey, Ksara-S-R-S-R-Raw. Tim Walz, you got off easy.

I don't think, don't think I don't know what I'm coming for you, Timmy boy. Next episode, we'll have a Tim Walt's heavy. We'll get to the bond. It just these episodes fly by. I know. I have a great time. We get into such a groove. It's like, oh, we don't realize.

No free content for you, goofballs. Yeah. What do you want to? You know, as always, you can find me on Instagram. Twitter and PlayStation Network at Joe W. Gorman. If you want to play with me on Xbox, it's at Joe Gorman.

And my podcast that I do with Alex Thomaselli is called Super Selly Joes. Please follow us and subscribe on YouTube. We really need that boost. My God, I'm never going to be able to monetize. I'm never going to get out of this. We have 45 subscribers, but you can also subscribe to my YouTube channel.

And then I'll go live on there and post stand-up comedy clips maybe. So we'll see. Yeah, who knows what kind of you live on YouTube, that sounds scary. Controversial. Yeah, yeah. Things will be said.

Yeah. No edit. Watch out. Let me do. Let me just. People don't realize I edit out hours of this episode. This is a seven hour podcast. That's why you said like, we got to wrap it up is because it's like literally

4 a. Yeah. And you're like, Joe, please. I got to get at least two minutes. If you think this is out of control, you should see what happened. What if I took two cats? What if I took that caffeine pill? Well, you would have been off the walls.

It would have been too scary, dude. Yeah. It would have been the episode of Futurama or if I had like a, thousand cups of coffee. And everything stood still. Yeah. Well, good to have you. Thank you. Thank you for having me, bro. I don't like a tap on the shoulder. I'll be honest. It's us.

Feels too kind of sending. As you were doing it, I was like, what are we doing? I was going on there. Am I dying? Oh, sick. Butthouse podcast on YouTube, Spotify, all that jazz. Butthouse? That's an awesome name. It's the butthouse. Nice. Hell yeah. Thank you guys.