Pro-Women, Feminist Podcast - Episode 262
00:00 Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.
00:19 Thanks. Welcome to the morning. This is gossip about Alan Fitzgerald. Yeah, we're here. We're Tanner Riley and Matt Bowman. What's up, dude? Hello, everyone. I'm fucking, I'm waiting for these caffeine pills to kick.
00:32 kick in. I don't know if they're really quite doing it yet. Caffeine, no coffee? No, I just take caffeine pills, dude. Interesting. I'm on a, because you're a drug addict. Yes. Yeah. I have to do everything like drugs.
00:41 Right. I take a razor and I cut it up into little pieces. Right. I drink so much coffee that like I have to like, I forget that I just had one. Like I would be like, oh, you know, I should use a coffee and I realize I just had a coffee before I left to come to the place where I'm at. Yeah. Whenever you said, like, I'm on a caffeine high or whatever, I was like, I could use a coffee.
00:59 I literally drank like 16 ounces of coffee before I. Right. came here. Yeah. Dude, we were at the, we were at a show gone Saturday night, Friday night.
01:07 It was like 11 o'clock. Or no, it was before, yeah, I was late. It was 10 or 11. And Tanner had been drinking beers. And then he comes in
01:15 with like the fucking tallest coffee from Reggio. I'm like, you're having a coffee right now and you're like, just one. Yeah. But in my defense,
01:24 in my defense, I was on the midnight show. Yeah. And it was a, it was a Friday night, right? Yeah. So I was going to,
01:30 I was going to be, I was going like, I'm very easily could be out until four in the morning. So by the time I go to bed, it could be 6 o'clock in the morning. So you're drinking a coffee effectively at 4 in the afternoon? Yes, the exact same thing as what I did today. Yeah, if your
01:42 schedule is all over the place. I remember my thing is, I used to never know if I took my Adderall when I was, like, because I didn't know if I took it or not. Yeah. But what I had was, Adderall shrinks your penis. So in high school, I would literally go into the bathroom. If my penis is normal sized, I was like, no, no, no, no, let me check a pocket. Here's the Adderall. I didn't take it.
01:58 Every single time. That is so, have you ever done a bit? That is a bit? I should. My dick looks too big. I clearly didn't take my Adderall. It's looking nice today now. Because it literally is a vaso restrictor, so it literally restricts the blood vessels with the penis, so it gets all shriveled. It goes back to normal once it's done. But yeah, that's why like, you know.
02:16 You can tell us the truth. We're not a girl that you're trying to get with. Is that true? It gets bigger. Is that real? No, it is. What time I druggily got a... I druggily came home and started to argue with my mom about her putting me on Addera really young.
02:30 I'm like, it just makes my penis small. Like, I started to cycle. Oh, you, okay, okay, you were, this was, you were, you were an adult referencing. Yeah, yeah, I thought you came home as like, and it struck my penis. You came home from fifth grade just fucking zonked, just like, my penis is too small.
02:48 Yeah, I'm like, wait a minute. I'm like, no, dude, it's small because you're 14. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but, yeah, I remember like, yeah, it was so funny. My brother, the worst lie, my brother told me once, He's like, you know, your penis stops growing after the fifth grade. And I was, like, freaked out. I was like, are you fucking serious?
03:06 I'm like, this sucks. Is he an older brother? Yeah, of course. Okay. Yeah, he thought, I guess that'd be weird if you're younger brother. Second grade. It's so funny, too, because it was like, as if it's based on grade. Like, instead of, like, people in your age, like, fifth grade, they're like,
03:20 just keep getting held back every year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the plan. Yeah, it's such a funny, uh, ocean. I don't have a hole in you in here, and I'm fucking freeballing. I got a, I can't give the people. what they want. Oh, wow. I mean, seriously. Are you doing a laundry right now? Subscribe to the Patreon.
03:34 And you've been taking the matter all pills, so especially. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been taking it. I would take it in weeks, but yeah, I remember that being a thing. It was so funny, too, because I've never seen my, you never see your penis grow. Because it's always in your vision, it's such a slow growth. I'll be like, I guess you know, same with taller.
03:52 Yeah. You can't wait until people say, oh, you got taller, but your grandparents aren't going to be like, your penis got bigger. So you have no reference point of like your penis getting bigger. I just like, ooh, Did we just come up with a new business model? We tell small children looks like your penis has gotten a little bit bigger
04:06 since last time. I guess it's a thing for doctors. Since your last checkup, your dick's grown a little. It goes on the bill that your parents get to the pediatricians. They're like, look, you want to pay an extra $200? We'll tell your kid his dick got bigger.
04:20 He'll come out skipping. Similarly, it feels like based on my memory, there was one day where I, for the first 10 years or however long of my life, I had no pubs. And then in my head, the next day, I had so many pubs. Do you know what I mean? Like, I don't remember like, it's like watching the grass grow.
04:41 I remember having the yellow peach fuzz for a while, and I thought that was pubs. But then randomly it started getting darker. Yeah. Yeah, I had like clear pubs for a while. Interesting. Was he fucking feather bear? Is that not normal? I don't remember that.
04:54 So your dick just looked like Larry Bird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude, it was just this kind of yellowy. I have no, I don't even remember getting them, so I very easily could have and I just don't fucking remember. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, I remember like I got a couple dark ones, and I was like,
05:08 okay, looks like the transfer's happening. I don't remember ever having yellow pubic hair, you know? Well, I also like, you know what it is? When I was a kid, I was blonde at first. Okay. And then as I got older, it got darker. So maybe my penis was just like 10 years behind
05:21 on that operation. Sure. The white peeps, I'm not looking forward to that. That's going to be weird. I don't think I'm ever going to dye my hair. I might die my pubs black. Really? Yeah, yeah.
05:30 You're going to be all salt up top and then just fucking pet downstairs, dude. All right. Yeah, I don't know. Just the idea of having white pubes just seems, because I do got a real problem with, like, people that don't want to age. Oh. You know what I mean? It's like, dude, just let it happen.
05:43 Absolutely. I mean, that's Burr's old bit. Where you saw about when people first got, like, hair plugs or, like, plastic surgery on their face, like, before they worked out the kinks. It was just like, do you want to look 40? do you want to be 50 and look 50, or do you want to be 50 and look like a 25-year-old lizard? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:59 Like, those are the options. It's like, ugh. Well, it's so funny, too, because people don't realize, like, the, by the way, I can now tell, like, I don't like the look of women our age of black surgery, because you can see it. I'm like, I don't look, look, look, like, I'm still, would, yeah, I'm insanely attracted to them,
06:13 and I would do anything to fuck them. But I think they would look better without it, is what I'm saying, yeah. Of course. Yeah, it does, I mean, I guess, like, technically speaking, like, on paper in a picture, you know, they do, it does make them look more attractive, but it sounds like I'm pandering and it sounds like I'm bullshitting. It does make me sad that so many women feel the need to do that.
06:35 Well, this is a pro-women podcast. It really does. This is a very big woman. Well, I see, like, well, I see, like, oh, chicks, like, we do comedy with, like, the next time you see them their lips are, like, clearly, like, yeah, have had work done. Yeah. I mean, do what you shouldn't do it, but it's done, like,
06:48 you didn't need to do that. It's sad that you felt the need to. I say that every single time I see them. I say. To their face. To their face. I say, look, I run a women's feminist podcast.
06:58 I think it's great. You do whatever you want with your face, but you didn't need to. That'd be a funny thing to say to a transperous big. You know, you didn't need to. You looked great before. I loved you with the penis.
07:08 It doesn't look bad now, but I'm just saying you didn't need to. Not to keep referencing other people's bits, but Michelle Wolfe had a great bit in her most recent special on Netflix where she was talking about how her friend got like breast implants. Yeah.
07:21 She was kind of having an argument with their friend of being like, okay, well, like, yeah, those are, like, you have big tits now, but, like, they're not real. Like, they're not, like, your tits. They're not, like, real tits. And she asked the audience, she was just like, ladies, in the, like, if your friend got, like, nude tits, would you, they weren't, they wouldn't consider them real, right? Like, they're not real boobs.
07:39 And everybody was like, yeah, no, they're not, no, no. And then she was, like, so I guess we're all a little transphobic. Yeah, yeah, that is a great. Oh, okay, I was like, where are you going with that? Yeah. And then she, and then she was just like, I think you guys are upset that I got you a little bit. Yeah, that's very funny. It was very good.
07:55 Yeah, but I guess you still would say it's a fake vagina. Oh, sure. Sure, sure, sure. But, yeah, no, this is actually a turf. This is an anti-trans podcast. It's anti-trans pro-women. This is Turf podcast. Segments.
08:07 Yes. This episode is actually sponsored by J.K. Rowling. Yes, huge. This is a J.K. Rowling podcast, officially. That'll be so funny, like a Harry Potter podcast, but then just randomly goes off on trans women. It's like, ew, how much you knock that off? Anyways.
08:21 Coming to the Daily Wire next season. Yeah, anyways, fucking, yeah, it's really funny too, because, like, I don't understand when you're that loaded, and then you, it's so funny, too, because, like, I think what happens when you get, like, loaded is you start, like, like, JK Rowland. You got to find a thing to make it feel purpose, because the truth is, like, dude, if I get fucking rich, I don't know, I feel like I'm just gonna, like, I don't know, I picture, like a rich me, like, I'm, I'm, like, George Bush, where I'm, like, doing paintings of stuff after I've committed, like, war crimes. I fucking love that, dude. Dude, that's my opinion on, like, everybody hates. Trump so much. And there's a lot of reasons to do that. Not on this podcast. No, of course not. This is a anti-trans pro-Trump, but also feminist but pro-women. Yeah, exactly. We just love gash. Like, that's just what we do. Um, but like, people forget that people aren't angry forever. Like George Bush murdered thousands of people as a war criminal probably. And personally like 12. I think he personally stabs 12 guys.
09:21 He was in one of those skull and bone societies at Harvard. That would be so funny. Especially George Bush behind like a mall, just like stabbing a teenager. He's like, nobody's ever going to believe you. He seems like a strangler to me. Yeah. And where he's just like, now hush now. Yeah.
09:34 And it's in a limo and just drives off. They're like, what the fuck? It's going to be something. It's Texas, you know? Oh, absolutely. So it's got to be so that old school. But like, that's what I'm saying, like, everybody at the time, when he was president, half of the country fucking hated that guy.
09:50 Now that guy's like hanging out with. Ellen DeGeneres and just finger painting and everybody's just like, ah, he's an old, stupid idiot. That's what's going to happen in like 15 years. With Trump for sure. Absolutely. That's why it's so funny that like presidents stop doing stuff for the most part. I mean, Obama did a podcast
10:05 for like a week or whatever. But other celebrities that like have no reason to be talking. They're like let me hop in. Oh God. Like how many do we, can we fucking stop like shows that have been off the air for 30 years? Can we stop having a podcast about
10:21 about the show. This show. Look at, and I was like, stop. Did they do one recently? I don't know. Like, even the ones that I like, like, the office ladies, like Angela and... Isn't there an Even Stevens podcast now? There's fucking for that. There was... The Shailabuff is not on? Or Beans, is Beans on it? I have no idea. Because he was like working at like a Starbucks for like a while. Yeah. Well, he doesn't help that that guy kind of looks like a bridge troll. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I... That'd been so funny the last season of Eden and Stevens are like, by the way, you're also
10:48 never going to be in anything again. Like Disney's just like, we're not even going to fucking try to throw you in it. No, not at all. Like, I mean, that's why it's shocking that somebody like Danny DeVito has made a career. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that guy is literally like, in ball, has played, his role has been bridge troll. Yeah, he's been just different variations of the penguin.
11:05 He did the penguin, then they're like, we can do kind of different stuff with this. Yeah, yeah. But this started somewhere, I'm so, well, okay, yeah, whatever. All the way back, I don't remember all the way back, but what I was saying was that, oh, you were talking about how rich people, like, something. I'm going off the grid. I'm doing, like, the Chappelle Africa.
11:21 thing, but like just in somewhere that's not Africa, because I don't want to go to Africa. And what, I'm so, maybe I got lost. What are you talking about now? Yeah, I have no idea. If we're talking about Michael Millionaire scenario. Oh, there we go. Got you. Yeah, I'm not, I'm not gonna be like, okay, now it's time for me to stand
11:37 up for what's wrong. No. And also, I don't believe you for a goddamn second. But you know, it's also a great way to do it? I like this, dude. I think the podcast forum's so good. Because, like, if people say their political opinions on a podcast, I have no issue with it. It's so different than tweeting or making an
11:52 Instagram video. Sure. There's such a difference between clips that you put out and you're like, everybody needs to see this versus a podcast. Podcasts is listen if you want to. Yeah. So that's what I really like, people say their opinions on podcasts. You go, oh, okay, I'm choosing to like listen in on a conversation where it's like totally valid to like say your
12:08 opinions versus like tweeting something gets a little bit. Well, you also, so much of the like communication is either nonverbal or like body. So you can, like if you're watching somebody for an hour and a half. Really nonverbal. like the way that I'm like if I could be saying something right now and if you were only listening you could be like oh well that's one thing but if you were watching and I was just like this the whole
12:30 you know what I mean like you're seeing so much more by actually watching a full link thing rather than just either just listening or just reading something reading is the worst because you there's no context there's no tone of voice there's not yeah that's a very hilarious that's why I say I mean Hitler's never done a podcast. So how do we really, you know what he thought? I mean, really. Or even if he had Twitter,
12:51 dude, Hitler's Twitter would have been fire. I think Mind Cuff is just the tone is, it's the tone. It's like, if you actually heard him say, he'd be like,
12:58 oh, that's not so bad. Too bad. Yeah, dude. Have you been followed the Kanye stuff? About how, he built a headquarters. He built like an anti, like,
13:07 there's his headquarters. It's his headquarters, and it's like a giant computer with like, Peter Lab with like a giant ceiling. It looks like what you'd assume like the CIA. Like when you watch like code name kid next door
13:18 or something like that and there's like a government office It looks like that. Yeah. But then there's like a projection of like a bunch of red swastikas like against the wall. People, I understand why you would be mad at that. I understand. Okay.
13:31 Here's a fun take. However, he's going so hard that I can't, I can't believe it. Do you know what I mean? Where it's just like it's so overt that it's like, oh, this is he's clearly having a, Like if Tim Dillon was doing what Kanye was doing, I'd be like, oh, that's, he's crazy. It's a bit. It's in jest.
13:52 Yeah. Yeah. Well, this is what I always think, too. I think, yeah, he's having a bipolar episode. He can't just say negative stuff about the Jews because that makes him like, we got tired of it. Yeah. Like, we're like, okay, he's doing that. And knock it off.
14:05 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, stop that. So he's going to, like, the next extreme. But this ends in a couple ways. Either he murders somebody. Yeah. Or he deeply. apologizes in a couple weeks because he did he did do the Jew thing he did apologize for the
14:19 Jew thing the first time yeah he was like I'm sorry he's like recently I watched a 21 jump street and Jonah Hill made me not anti-Semitic anymore it's so funny he really said that yes so funny dude see and again if that's what breaks you out of it I don't think that any of it is real yeah yeah yeah but I think I think what we need to do I was talking to my roommate about this we need to get Kanye he's not going to stop going on a rants so we just need to find other group of people that are fictional we can hate. We can tell them like the doodily bobs are like
14:50 The Sith. We just as a society we're like we want Kanye he's going to have to hate something because he's a hater. So we'll just make up a group of people and like he'll spend like six months in the desert of Nevada trying to hunt them down and stuff like that. Just tell them the Smurfs are real and then like they said that college dropout was lame as hell.
15:08 Yeah. And then that's Papa Smurfs said you fucking stink. Yeah, dude, he's just on the video. He's like, I could have been with Kim. It wasn't for the motherfucking Smurfs. The Smurfs would cause these issues. And then, like, he just does that.
15:24 And then, but we have to act offended because then he'll get all like, he'll get that high. Yeah, yeah. And we'll be like, the view. Yeah, yeah, we'll have like, uh, the view. Then be like, you can't be saying that, Kanye. No, you can't be saying that, but the smurfs. They're a good group of people.
15:36 Would get caught on again to dress up as a smurf. AI could come in handy for this project. Yeah. Just Operation. Make Kanye hate the smurts. Yes, yes. Yeah, we got to fucking, like, that's a great idea. We got to, like, you know, make some history.
15:50 Just send him some history books where we, like, edit in smurf pictures. Yeah. I want one where it's, like, the ones that are so clearly, where it's just, like, you put the smurfs at, like, the fall of Stalingrad. Or, like, you put the smurfs, like, the Challenger explodes, but then, like, you see, like, little Smurfs jumping off of it. Or they're like, wait, do they fucking blow up the Challenger? Totally. And he's that crazy that you could absolutely convince him that. How many people do you think would have to tell him that they were real for him to believe it?
16:17 This is what you really got to do. Probably about six. Have him tweet a negative smurf thing and then have them kicked off of Twitter because we need him to be... Something real needs to happen. Yes, we need to silence him because that's what happened to you silence him. It's his least favorite thing because that guy loves fucking talking. So you silence him and then he's like, they don't want me talking about it. I love that thing.
16:38 We're like, now I will say the bank thing was crazy. the bank, which what... When they started talking shit about the Jews and then they like froze his assets. Oh yeah, that was fucked. Yeah, you're like, I got in several arguments with people about that. That should not be happening.
16:49 Where there... Yeah. Which, it's a fucking... That's a shit end of an argument to be on. Totally. But it's like, you can't... I can't do that.
16:58 You can't be like... A bunch of comics made that joke, but you can't... A guy who's saying the Jews are the banks that you freeze his assets. Yeah. Can't be doing that. You're totally helping him out there.
17:07 But, um, yeah, I think like, uh, yeah, No, we need to find a group like that. Do you guys mind if I pee real quick? No, that's fine. Unbelievable. Yeah. We're going to keep to...
17:17 Feel free to talk. I'll decide. I'll listen back and I'll decide how good it is and if we're going to keep it in a motion. If you guys can banter enough without me, then let's... Fuck yeah. Okay. Did he put out any music?
17:27 Yes. After that? He put out a couple days ago. Okay. Is that if he wasn't... No. That was what I was going to ask. Is he going to...
17:36 Is this all for an album? Generally, yeah. That's kind of like when Kat Williams went on, like, Shand-Jart. it was because he was about to announce a tour and his tour sold out in like 30 seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. That's, my favorite is because, like, he's saying,
17:50 like, he tweeted, like, all caps, like, I am a Nazi. And I'm like, that's, okay, interesting. But then, like, literally later in the feed, it was just like, do you remember when he went through that crazy Christian phase? Yeah. Where he was just like, da-ba-da, praise the Lord,
18:06 praise the Lord. And, like, that juxtaposed to I am a Nazi was just humorous to me. Like, that's just very... Again, it's just... This guy doesn't think any of this, I don't think. I feel like this, if he releases an album or if he did, if he did or when he does,
18:22 it'll be terrible. Sure. I feel like he's too far. I understand that people like, like, this is why he's genius. Yeah. I think he's too far away from, like... Yeah. When was his last dope album? I don't know. I mean, I don't listen closely enough. What was Kanye's last dope album?
18:41 album. First off, I just want to say great job. I was in there piss and listening. You guys were really keeping it going. I didn't hear what you were saying. Thanks Michael good. Yeah. Also, this is piss and it did get on my pants. Ah, it's all right. Dude, wait, hold on, you got a hole in your pants still? Yeah, it's down here. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. You know what? It's right on the thigh above the testicles. You can't really see it. Yeah, dude. I don't know, these, tell you what, these fans, though, they'll get optic. They'll get zoom it. They'll get an angle. They're going to get a professional. People are going to treat that whole like an episode of fucking severance. They're going to be like theories and shit.
19:09 He purposely did the whole The Peelder's gay fan base Yeah I do what you gotta do Michael's Eni is actually gay Yeah yeah No so the uh he had Donda which I loved But Donda was okay
19:23 But a lot of people didn't like it Yeah I like um He does There's a sample from one of his new songs And it is one of the funniest things I've heard Yeah Because it's like a beat And then he's like
19:33 He's like I hate Steven Spielberg Yeah it's like all my N-Words are Nazis like he's like how they call me Hitler because I can't be Hitler because I am a N word and it's like so wild and then he goes he goes I voted for Trump not Biden because why did they go to that island
19:53 would you go to that island or something like that is like what did they say about Epstein some of his stuff is just so elementary it sounds like literally a child yeah wrote it but then the next thing will be good it's so funny like he did the whoopity scoop dude which kind of slapped a little bit But it's like, that's something a kid could have come up with.
20:11 Oh my God, dude. She got, I got, or was it, she just bleached her asshole. Now I just fuck this model. And if she just bleached her asshole and I get bleaching my t-shirt, I'm gonna look like an asshole. Yeah. I love that part because that implies that he's fucking with his shirt on. Yeah. He didn't go to that period where he was really insecure about his body.
20:31 Yeah. He went on like TMZ. He's like, you guys made fun of me for being fat. And then I went crazy. It's like, that was awesome, by the way. when Kanye went to DMZ and showed up in the building. And obviously that's exciting for them
20:41 because they're like, they're just doing their TMZ thing. They're like, all right, let's throw out the story. Kanye is in the office. And then he's like, slavery is a choice.
20:50 Like, fucking bastard. Yeah, yeah. Like, he's just talking to people and he's like, you guys are monsters because you made fun of me
20:55 for being fat, which they are pieces of garbage. Oh, absolutely. But, yeah. You are just giving them exactly what they want. That is so funny,
21:03 dude. Yeah. To like, fuck, I don't know. Like I was telling like, I don't think he believe...
21:07 Same with almost any celebrity. Whatever opinion they put out there, I'm like, there is not a good chance that you actually believe this. I think that most of them are full of shit about almost anything that they say. Yeah, totally, yeah, yeah. So clearly, the man that is having
21:22 an obvious mental episode, I don't think means what he's saying. No, and I think, like, I bet you there's just some weird thing going on where, like, I don't know, it's just so, like... It's so wild that, like, I mean, he's hanging out with Nick Fuentes, who's, like, super...
21:36 racist towards black people. So it's like really weird to like, it's really weird to hang out with some guy who's like, you guys are just dumber than us. That's so weird to me. But that also, that's the perfect example of Nick Fuentes, turn it around and being like, see, I have one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not, I got one. I got one
21:52 hanging out. Nick Fuentes is fully like, I am racist. But there's a very funny video. I don't know if it's AI, but it's one of my favorite videos. He goes, last Friday night by Katie Perry slaps. And it's like, that's him dancing. He's like, I love Hitler. He's like, Adolf Hitler, where are you?
22:08 But it's cut in with the song playing. It's one of the funniest things ever seen. Who is Nick Fuentow? I don't know who that is. He's like a white supremacist that I thought was Hispanic, but I think he might be Italian or something. I mean something was Hispanic at some point. Yeah, Flentes.
22:20 He's like a weird. He's not getting into a clan meeting with that last name. No, no, no. He's like a fully like not even like, not, you know, when they're like Tucker Carlson's like a white supremacist or still like that. It's like, yeah, this guy is legit like, yeah, no, at least a white nationalist where he's like, yeah, we got to just.
22:34 Is that how he got famous just? from being that or like internet personality? I would say, I would say infamous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But yeah, it is, it's really interesting, too,
22:47 because then you got, like, I mean, the Jews are getting a lot of heat right now. I mean, I would call it an oven. But, no, it's like, Candace Owens is, like, now super antithymetic, too. Interesting. Yeah, I know she got kicked off
23:01 with Daily Wire. Did she really? Really? Yeah, yeah. Wow. For what? This is always a happen. Maybe because their owner is the biggest Jew in the world.
23:08 Jews fire people, and immediately those people just become anti-Semitic. Dude, which is crazy, because I was fired by a Filipino lady, and I've never done anything but jack off the Filipino women since. Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's, wow. How Christ like of you. Yeah, it is such a crazy, I don't know, I've always said this, I just isn't haunted as a pocket. I think the Jew thing, it's just lazy conspiracy theory. It's like, you literally just like, and it doesn't make fucking sense because it's like, yeah, sure they have power in certain places.
23:35 think like Israel has power because we're obviously like... Yeah, they have power because we fucking let them. Totally. Yeah. But there's nothing to do with like, it's like that wasn't even a thing to like the 40s. And it's also something very funny and I'm kind of like... So out of literally any group in his, like, you can go back. Like, they're in the Bible getting fucked.
23:56 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? So it's like this group of people that's been getting pillaged over and over for thousands of years, they've somehow cobbled together. Like this cottage, like, no, we actually do it. And I'm like, wait, no, that's how? Yeah, yeah. It can't be, you know?
24:12 Yeah, and it's like, if you look at other things, it's like, dude, it's like the Scots have like done weird deep states. It's like, there's so much. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. Everybody has. It turns out that most people aren't Iran for president, though. That does make me suspicious.
24:25 That's never happened. Dude, we barely let Catholics be president. I know, I know, I know, yeah, yeah. People are going to let a Jewish guy. But a Jewish guy. Is it real? I mean, Biden was Catholic. I know.
24:36 But he's only the second one. Is he? Really? Yeah. JFK. Everybody else. And they fucking shot him. Yeah.
24:42 And they fucking, yeah, dude. Speaking of that. They used to kill people so often. I know where you're going with this. And I'm very excited to hop on that. Here we go. Wait. You can finish your thing.
24:51 Oh, I was just saying that they used to kill people so often. Like back in like the 60, like, 67, it was just like, hey, if you were like kind of influential and we're like talking about, hey, maybe we should change stuff, they fucking just killed you. That shows you that whatever deep state is really not that concern. with racism. And they're getting real... Kanye West is like the Jews, the worst people are like,
25:09 man, just let them do it. They're either that or they're just getting real lazy with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Sorry, it didn't want to say. I made a...
25:16 Yeah, did you know anything about it? Because I haven't yet. The only thing I saw was RFK being like the CIA killed my uncle. Yeah. And then, but I didn't see any of the actual documents.
25:26 Oh, I just saw Joe Rogan say, tweet something like, so who killed JFK? So I assume something happened. But then he said wrong answers only below. Oh, okay. Oh.
25:33 But I just don't know. Like, did something, was there a new development with JFK? Yeah, they released like a million files. Yeah, it seemed like it was so much that you had to, like, it was nobody's going to read that much. Well, it's one, yeah, that's one of those. It's like when you sue a big pharmaceutical company, they just drop a billion pieces of paper on your desk,
25:52 and they're just like, you figure it out. And they're like, oh, you're never going to do the work. That would be really funny, too, if what happened was like, they're like, we'll release the files. And then right while that's going on, they're like, guys, can we produce like a million new files about the JFK? They were just like, all right. And he was cute, and he had a good smile.
26:08 And then you get to the end of it, and it was the Smurfs that killed us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just pages and pages of every Kanye lyric, too. They're like, we just need to fill this up with something people don't want to read. Right. Page 16. Scoop-a-boop doop. Yeah, yeah.
26:21 Go ahead and transcribe all of the Talk to a podcast. We're going to put that in the JFK file, so nobody reads through it. There's the important information to just sandwich between, like, the worst, the most unreadable thing imaginable. Do you think that's the most famous? misconspiracy theory? That of the moon landing? The moon landing, you think? I'm like, dude, I could, I think
26:40 if you gave me like an hour, you could convince me the moon landing was fake. Oh yeah. I mean, I'm not saying I think it was fake, but like I just heard people go on rants. Like, you think this time, we couldn't even do this, we couldn't even do this, we couldn't have access to this, we can put a fire a jet up to the moon land safely and then it takes off,
26:59 comes back here, land safely again. The video's crazy. I would believe them more if they were like, hey, we just went to the moon, we couldn't in a video of it though. Like that's almost more believable. Which is, it shouldn't be because you're like, where's the footage? But because there's footage, it was less. Yeah, I don't know. I think the more that I'm like,
27:17 the government just super doesn't I could see it both, I could see the government not telling us stuff argument go both ways. Where it's just like, okay, yeah, the government lies to us all the time, so they could easily be lying about that. But the government also doesn't tell us dick about what they can actually do or what they're actively doing right now.
27:32 So, who knows? Maybe they did have fucking microwave oven that could get us to the fucking moon. That's a really good point. Yeah, maybe it's like, it's like technologies we knew it, but it's possible the government was like 10 times like, yeah. What if the government had smartphones like way before?
27:46 It could go. I mean, that's the big, that's the alien one. I'm just like it's not aliens. It's like a Russian plane that goes in your asshole. I'm normally 60, 40 on believing it's aliens. Now I'm back to 70. That what's aliens? The UFOs.
27:58 Not all of them, but I think that there's apparently some documentary that's coming out in the next like month that people are like it like per it like what's called like proves. You're about to say proves no no it what do you call it when you parade something you show up it Grands standing?
28:14 I am going to present at like a film festival everybody was like this is fucking and so. And I also like I think the whole the whole UFO thing is the government is lying and saying it's aliens so that they can hide that they have this technology
28:31 absolutely yeah but that when it any sense because all the alien lore is we have this technology. So why would you say, oh, it's alien technology, but we have it? Because that defeats the whole purpose of lying about saying it's our technology. I guess maybe more of just like, okay, we have this thing. We don't have fucking works. We can't replicate it. We can't turn it on. Right, but we've got it. Right. But the whole story is like all the alien lore is like we reverse engineered them. So we're flying them around and shit. Gotcha. So it doesn't really make a lot of sense for us to say that. Because the whole thing would be like, oh, we don't have, because the reason you do it for the
29:01 most part is because you don't want like other countries to know that you have possession of that stuff right and that you know how it works because then it's like then you have all kinds of spies going it which I'm sure we do that's really funny to think about it's like there's probably a spy in the White House right now there's probably a secretly Chinese white man who works for the CCP who's just like
29:17 in Trump's cabinet like sure why would that not be a thing yeah dude I would just say yes indeed Michael affirm affirmative yeah yeah yeah dude do you ever watch um That would be so funny. He just, like, hits his knee and randomly has a Chinese accent.
29:33 He's like, oh, oh, my way. They're like, what was that? Notching. I'm not going to lie. I'm so, this is not related at all. But when Ohio State won the national championship this year, we beat Texas, and there was a very important, big, famous play where, like, our guy strips sacked their quarterback and ran it back for a touchdown.
29:53 And so that sealed the game for us. And when that happened, they cut to a bunch of fan reactions of Texas fans and everybody it was just like, like they were shocked, and there was one, and they went to this Asian guy, and he was literally like this, he was like,
30:09 and the top comment was just like, oh no, my wrong horns. I've watched that clip 50 times since then because I'm addicted to Ohio State, and every single time, I'm like,
30:20 fuck yeah, Ohio State, we won the national championship, and then it's just like, oh no, it's just very funny. That was a quick aside that's not nowhere,
30:28 but it's just, it's never not going to be fun. to me. It's so funny. I was like so depressed at like, I wasn't getting on stage a couple weeks ago. So I was like, you know, I'm going to go ahead and do an open mic. I did an open mic. Me too. The place I first ever did an open mic in New York. So that was really depressing because I was like, I spent
30:42 six years and I'm back here. Yeah. And then this guy got on stage with the loudest Japanese accent I've ever heard. Was he Japanese? Yes. Okay. And it just completely just turned my day around. Like, and then I went to the store. And I was just like, dude, I am like
30:58 And there's too many people at the stall. And I'm like... I think I've seen that guy before. Dude, I just like... It's Dan Yang. I'm like holding my stomach. Like, this is... It just killed me.
31:12 And it's like, I'm sure if I was yelling over there. Like, it's just... Do you think was he like, was he killing in the room? Or was it just kind of you over to the side? I think it was just me and everybody's like, boy, is that guy racist. I was gonna say, like, if he, like, was killing, I wonder if, like, he knows that it's his accent. Partially why? Yeah.
31:28 That is a hack if you are, like, I'm not saying he's hacky, but it is a hack. If you have a foreign accent, you will kill on stage. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, well, it depends on the accent. Don't you think? Like, if you have English accent, nobody goes, nobody, you know. Correct. You don't get any.
31:44 No, but if you have any, like, even like, if you have like a French accent, like an Italian accent, like, a, like, if you have an accent from a different language, you, people will, and I, I will laugh. I've always said this one of my, the funniest thing in the world, and I saw an Italian home was. guy's like, I have no money. He's like, can I have a penny or a quarter? And I'm like, dude, please. You can have 20 bucks, man. Just keep talking. I have no money. I'm like, you literally sound like Mario. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:12 But yeah, I think that there is, oh, what I was going to say, sorry, back of, you were talking about spies. There are hilarious comedians with foreign accents. Absolutely. Daniel Simons. It gives you a leg up. Absolutely. But there was a mini series on Netflix many years ago called Trader or Spy or, something. I don't know. It was Sasha Barron Cohen
32:30 playing a dramatic role and he was a true story about a guy, a Jewish guy, Jewish secret... That's what I called traitor. Yeah. He worked for Mossad and he infiltrated I believe, I think it was Syria.
32:48 Or yeah, I believe it was Syria. Syria or Lebanon. And he did like a long-term fucking like spy mission where he like infiltrated the Syrian government and got up as high as the equivalent of the Secretary of State in the United States and was like a double agent
33:06 like sending stuff back to Israel. Yeah, yeah. And then they eventually caught him and they figured it out and they were like, yeah, we're gonna, I mean, they tortured him for information, all this stuff. And then they were like publicly going to execute him. And everybody was like, please don't do that.
33:21 The Pope was like, please don't do that. And the Syrians were like, fuck you. We're going to murder this guy. And they did. Also, can the... This is a true story? True story, yeah. It happened in, like, the 60s or 70s.
33:31 Huh. Can the Pope just shut the fuck up? God, die! I don't... He's about to. Yeah, isn't he sick? Everybody's like, he's like, actually, now I'm cool with gay people, but I'm... You're like, I don't...
33:41 It's so stupid. People really haven't given a fuck in a long time. Yeah, dude. You don't have power. You know, it's how every Pope looks like the same guy? Yeah. Like, every Pope is just like a white guy with, like, ball. He's bald, but just a little bit of white hair.
33:53 Yeah. He's like the same dude every time. That's where the angels live. It's right on top of you said. Even, like, even Catholics, like, won't agree with the Pope. Like, like, when he came out, it was like, I'm four gay merits. There's lots of Catholics that are like, shut up.
34:07 It's like my dick. Shut up. Yeah. They won't have a picture of the Pope, but they'll have a picture of fucking JFK. God damn right, they will. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that, um, yeah, I'm not going to read the files unless... Can you just ask, chat, GBT?
34:22 Like, who... Who kills JFK? JFK, read those really quick in a millisecond for me and tell me who did it. Yeah, they have to. Yeah, fucking Google has a thing that'll just be like, do you want to make your email better? It's like you can't tell me that they can't feed that in there
34:37 and tell me who killed JFK? Yeah, yeah. I mean, AI, I want to learn so badly how to use AI. I've been seeing the best AI videos. Have you seen the fat, soft day summer? No. Fat, soft day, N-word summer. No.
34:50 Oh, no. So instead of like, or it's fat, soft day season. So instead of like white boy summer, it's like big black guy summer. That's great. And the AI videos are incredible, dude. There's one where it's like, it's like a new meme coin that's coming out. So I'm sure it's all like marketing for like a crypto thing. But he's like, it's like the white frat bros bed to leave the beaches because it's black beep.
35:11 And they're like all these fat black dudes like skydiving in. He's like, and we're taking all the snow bunnies. And it's like, it's like probably like 50 videos at this point. This storyline. Yeah. That's great. black dudes who are like badass as hell just riding on jet skis and like
35:26 yeah yeah but it's like so like I was just so fun and I'm like I want to learn how to use it for comedy because I think you can make like some great content dude we could do a morning good and then I don't we all just have like fucking rock hard weans the whole time morning good yeah it's just like all of us shirtless
35:43 and like jacked as hell the title is just like soft day summer just us three sitting there yeah dude it's getting heart, like good fucking AI.
35:55 Yeah, but it's so weird, there's almost a vibe to it. Like there's almost, it almost feels like it sounds like creepy, but like there's almost like a, like it feels like it, I can feel the entity of it. Like when I see an AI video. So it's like, it's still not passing the Turing test. At least for me, not all of it. You talk about like
36:11 what it says or how it says it or how it looks. How it looks. Like when I see an AI person image, oh yeah, you can tell it's yeah. But it's weird because it almost emotes a certain feeling for me like it's the same. because I know there's probably different AI like creators but I look at it and I go
36:27 oh this is the same like almost like I don't know just like energy of something where like dogs have a certain dog energy like you look at something and you can feel its energy its presence you're like this is a dog AI is kind of the same way where I'll look at AI pictures and I go oh I
36:42 this feels like this does it make any sense? Yeah for sure it's just like an intuition it's just unnatural yeah yeah it's just like it's non-humanest Most of the time, I would say 95% of the time, 100% I clock it. And there's like 5% of the time. I do it's like, whoa, that's crazy.
37:01 And then I look at the comments and everybody's like, you fucking idiot, this is AI. Anybody who thinks this is real is an idiot. I'm like, fuck, all right, sorry. Maybe we should go easier on old people. Yeah, it is true. Yeah, I have sent a couple AI things. People are like, this is AI. This is fake.
37:17 I do, but most of the time I get caught where it's a real video, but then the the mouth thing is AI. The Nick Fuentes thing I was just talking about That's probably AI You've seen the videos of people showing their grandparents videos of just Grand Theft Auto It's like people getting destroyed by like A crowd of people getting destroyed by a car
37:34 It's literally just Grand Theft Auto And they think that it's a real They're like holy god Look what I just did grandma It's like beating up a hooker Right Well they don't I mean they think it's like the news or something They don't realize it's a video game
37:44 Like being played over here They think it's the news Yeah they think they're just like a check Watch how this video that happened in San Francisco and it's just like a crowd of people, just getting mowed down or like just drilled. There are also times where like I'll be playing
37:56 like more when I'm at home but like I'll be playing FIFA. Like I'll just be playing sitting in front of the TV playing a video game and like my mom will walk through and be just like oh I thought you were watching.
38:07 I'm like you thought I was watching a soccer game like right here like this close to the fucking TV. With that. Yeah, that's insane. But we should go easier on. And you got to call your own timeout. Yeah.
38:20 Got to request. a timeout. Yeah, there's a pause screen on ESPN now. Just go, boop, you know, it's great. I'm, iPhones are pretty easy,
38:29 so I can figure that out, but it is weird. The newer, I got like a newer iPhone, the buttons on, I still don't know what all the buttons do on my phone.
38:35 Isn't there only like two buttons? Not the new one, bro. It's like there's volume. So there's this, you're talking about this guy? What is that guy? So you can,
38:41 I think you can program this guy to be whatever you want it to be. Graham Cooper was telling me about it with the biggest hard on in his life. But he's like, he pressed this
38:50 it's dudes butt-flicking. It just looks and my ass feels tight. All of a sudden it's like, how did that get in there? I just have it set default to, like, camera because that's what it comes as. And so I can do that. What model is that? Whatever the newest one is, 16, I think.
39:04 Yeah. And then this, rather than, there's volume and then the top button, rather than like a switch for the silent mode, you just like hold it and it turns from silent mode into, like... Oh, let's picture your kid. Yeah, my baby.
39:17 He's the greatest. But yeah, it's... It's not. Does he walk yet? He's about to. He really fucking wants to. You don't know that. If he hasn't done it, you don't know.
39:25 He wants to do it. Until you see him do it. I don't believe it. So bad. No, he'll pull himself up onto like the couch and stuff. Or like he'll, if you're standing, he'll pull himself up and just like hold onto your leg. Yeah. And he'll sometimes walk across the couch.
39:40 Like he'll like walk himself along the edge of it. But he can't fully take steps yet. But he really wants to. Well, the one thing I'm wondering is like, do babies just, do they just know how to walk or do you think it's from watching their parents walk? Like if you just put them on an island like with like... Yeah, like would they know how to walk?
39:57 They could stay alive and feed themselves. It's crazy the amount of stuff that he just knows how to do intuitively. I bet you they would learn. I mean, because their muscles are going to evolve like a human does. I mean, we didn't show him how to crawl and he kind of did it.
40:09 We kind of did, but like it's not like we're crawling around all the time. Right. Because like, could you teach your baby how to have like a swaggier walk and then permanently he walks? Yeah, or like a gay walk. Have you ever, okay, there's something I was going to talk about. Have you ever seen people with such a goofy, just a, just a stupid walk, okay?
40:27 A stupid, goofy-ass way to walk. Yeah. And just know that that guy could never be a CEO. Yeah. He walks too, if you have, that is your walk, even though it's, you can't really control it. Tanner just looking at a disabled guy walking. You can't. No, I'm like a stupid walk.
40:43 It's just a dude that just walks like a, like it's just a goofy walk. Yeah. Never be a CEO. If you have that walk, you're a dumbass. Yeah, you could be a stone cold killer salesman. No one's going to take you seriously when you have to get up on stage. But it's like, but it's if you, I know you're not a stone cold killer salesman, if that's the way your body default.
41:03 Yeah, because you walk like a goose. I used to feel that way about speech impediments, but then it's like Mike Tyson has, like, it really like. Sure. But I wonder if that influences you in that way too, though, because maybe you're like, oh, because I have this walk, now I have to do something big with my life. it's so sad and like this is super fucked up of me.
41:20 I wasn't talking about like a disability to the record. Exactly. I edited out of the podcast where he clears up that he was talking about disability. Right. We use AI to be like
41:31 I am talking about cerebral palsy. I'm only talking about those people. But if I hear it a doll with speech impediment even if he's a grown man that kick in my ass I go, oh man I'm sorry. mentally I'm like I feel bad for him
41:44 and I'm like it can be Mike Tyson And I'm like, oh, dude, I'm so sorry you talk that way. Yeah. I don't know. I don't, you ever see the people who, like, when they take a step, their foot is, like, out like that? Like, it's like their foot is angled out. Yeah.
42:00 They walk like this, basically, like a fucking clown. Like a guy I drew. Because you never draw the legs looking forward. Go inside. Like a guy I drew. 100%. That's exactly right. And I just don't, those people, people are dumb.
42:13 You know what it's funny, too, also I realized this was the drawing. I had to, like, draw. I think I just tried drawing some of the other day. When you're a kid, you're drawing all the time, like, in class. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then you go back, and I'm, like, a worst drawler than I've ever been in my life. Yeah. Like, if somebody asked me to draw something, I look at it and I'm like, what the fuck?
42:27 Like, I feel like it's... Dude, I stopped taking art class seventh grade. Was the last art class I took, and I was stoked on that. I was aimed. I hated art. Yeah, I'm, like, pretty bad at drawing most things. And, like, I've tried to, like, watch a video of something. They're like, how to...
42:40 Because now on TikTok, I'm like, how to draw this? And I'm like, I'm looking at you do it and I'm way off. You know what's funny? Probably when most dudes die, by the time most dudes die, the thing in their life that they have drawn the most.
42:54 Penises. Penises. Yeah, I get drawn. A thousand percent. By a country mile. Yeah, it's not even close. The thing in line out, not a house, not a dog. No.
43:02 Not a football. A cock. Yes. Dude, I've drawn more cocks in like a week's time than anything else in my whole life. Like in college, dude? all, dude, if you had like a whiteboard in your room, I mean, and you weren't there,
43:17 cox, just full of cox. Yes. Fucking, you get on Microsoft paint, and you put it on somebody's laptop. So when they open it up, it's just balls. Like, that's fucking... If you're like a high school teacher, you just have to know that there has been a time
43:28 when you weren't in the room and a kid ran up and drew, and then erased. Okay, okay. It's not... Sometimes it doesn't fully erase, though. Oh, yeah. You're one of the shitty erasers where you can see, like, the indent of it.
43:39 It's like faintly still there, especially now with the dry erase. Okay, so this, this one probably stop, this definitely stops after like, ideally after like elementary school junior high, but do you think more cocks or little swastikas are drawn in textbooks? I was just about to say this,
43:52 my three things I drew. Now, the swastika and the pentagram, I would always draw up and immediately scribble out, because I'm like, I don't really mean it. Like, I just want to see. Is it wrong that I was just like, dude, pentagram? That's fucked up. Oh, but you draw swastika. I'm like, it's just symmetrically. And also, like,
44:08 whatever Hinduism thought it looked cool too. Yeah. So it like, same with the fucking the swastika. Yeah, yeah, it's just something
44:15 like objectively, I think most people agree like, angle-wise it looks cool. I think Pentagram looks cool because it's like symmetrical angles. The Star of David
44:22 looks fucking sick. Yeah. Like, it's a cool thing. Dude, we should make them wear them. Yeah, just because it looks so cool. It looks so dang, dude. But I think penises,
44:30 swastikas and pentagram is like the most drawn thing. And I used to draw a high SpongeBob. I just draw a high SpongeBob. I don't know why. I would just be like, look how high SpongeBob is. Wow.
44:40 All right. we would do that. So you said you can't draw well, but you have the ability to not only draw a SpongeBob, but to give him the characteristic that implies he is under the influence of marijuana. I don't know why, dude.
44:53 Because I learned how to draw SpongeBob, and then I could probably right now do a very good high SpongeBob. All right. That's great, dude. That's like when the fucking the basketball trainer guy gets out there and drains a three.
45:05 Like, you can do like one thing, like that. That's good for you. That's nice. I should try to sell my high SpongeBob. above art. I really, it would be a funny thing to like go to like an artsy thing. Not like a real gallery, but like just an artsy thing and just
45:16 try to be like, what do you think of this? And just see like a bunch of hipster douchebags. You're like, oh. Oh, wow. I heard that some, I forget where I heard this, but somebody went to an art like an art thing where it was very like abstract and he took his shoe all. It was like a Chuck Taylor
45:32 and he like sat it in the, and the corner walked away and people were like walking over and taking pictures. Oh yeah, dude. Somebody did that with like a fucking banana peel. Like they like taped it to the wall or a banana and they taped it to the wall. And they were like, wow, this is something great. There was a great show on ABC years ago.
45:50 I only ran for, I only saw one episode. So maybe it was a shit show, but it was a very funny thing where it was called Would You Fall for that? And they took this kid, like they just found a child actor. He's like six years old. They rented out a stall space like in Manhattan. And they advertised it for weeks.
46:06 There was this child prodigy artist. And he did. Is this to catch a prodig? I'm immediately like, would you fall for this? You're not going to get arrested if we have sex. Woo, we. The art show is just like one hole in the wall. Yeah, just like, wait a minute.
46:24 This is totally to catch a predator. Yeah, but no, it was a kid. They advertised that he was this child prodigy artist, and they had him do three paintings, one of which he had like this massive canvas, and he took like a cup, and he outlined a circle, like, off-centered on it. And the other one, he just like splattered paint at,
46:40 And then another one, I think he drew like a house or something. But they had him draw it. But they build it as like, this is like a child prodigy. And they were like sold out for like three weeks. And everybody in there was just like, oh, wow, I really like, this one is speaking to emptiness. And I'm just like, oh, so you guys are all, this is all fucking bullshit. This is all bullshit. That is so funny.
46:59 This whole thing. My wife's a tattoo artist and I understand. But like art art like that is gay. Like it's so stupid. Well, it's really gay is my new weight loss journey. Oh, yeah. I'm waiting God. I'm waiting in all podcast to bring it up. I think the one thing I
47:14 hate more than pretentious artists is people talking about their weight loss. Damn it. I have a new weight loss bit. I was going to try at the next mic that I do, but I guess not now. No, that's fine. You're turning it into something fun. But yeah. Are you, have you really been trying to lose weight? So I'll start by saying, I saw me and Tanner
47:32 got fucked up. Happy St. Patrick's Day. What a great. That was a great last hurrah. So, um... Oh, you're not drinking? for two months Yeah, for two months. Good for you. So, yeah, I had a fucking crazy weekend. I'll try to wrap this up as quick as I can.
47:49 So basically, I went out and I went to my roommate's sketch comedy thing. I was like, I'll have a couple beers. He's like a 22-year-old. And then he's like, we should go to karaoke. I was like, yeah, he's like, it's B-Y-O-B, let's do four locoes. And I'm like, I'm not a coward, so I can handle a four loco. Next thing you know, I'm like buying cats. I'm like, I left the group to go buy it, did it.
48:14 God in a cab had no idea where I was. So I couldn't tell him where to go because I thought I was in a completely different dimension. I literally would like, I have recollection of being like, I literally, I'm not from this dementia. I can't even tell you where to bring me right now. I'm not from this dimension. I'm not from this. I said that to the cab driver speaks broken English. I'm not from this dimension.
48:36 What the fuck? mention. Yeah, yeah. It must be in the Bronx. Yeah, and it was like, dude, I remember, like, I remember getting to the point of being like, I don't like this dimension I'm in, but I don't know how to get back home. And I didn't even try to think of where would my apartment because it just didn't make, in my mind, I didn't track.
48:53 I'm like, I'm not from this dimension. I'm not going to have an apartment in this dimension. Yeah. Whatever bar my friends are at, it's not in this dimension, so it doesn't even matter. Then I got a picture on some. That's the cab driver if he can open up a portal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. Just fucking portals?
49:07 Do you... There's videos I took of myself. That's actually what the new button on the iPhone does. It opens a portal to another dimension.
49:14 To the dimension, yeah. I fucking like, dude, I like, uh, he dropped me off somewhere in Brooklyn. There's a picture on my phone
49:21 of me and a random guy goes, hey man, hope he got home. I put you in a cab back to your place. So there's like a... A guardian angel out there.
49:29 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. I made this guy. So eventually I found my way home. And there's videos of me my roommate took and me being like,
49:36 okay. I think I'm mostly drunk, but I'm definitely also really on ketamine. So that didn't justify either of it. I'm like, I'm actually on a lot of stuff. Right. And then I go, uh, there's a video on me, I'm like, I'm going to put all my cards on the table and be honest. And then I literally take all the cards out of my wallet and I put them on the table. You're doing prop comedy.
49:55 Yeah. That's honestly the worst part of this. Yeah. When you're drunk and cross-fated, you turn into a prop comic. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, it definitely changed my view of things. I'm like, dude, I'm never doing ketamine in front, like, like, a, like, not with a group of people.
50:08 This could not have been the same night that you were with me. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, no. But it's like, maybe you were in another dimension because this timeline is not adding up.
50:17 Yeah, by the way, I did the math. I spent, like, over an hour, I only did ketamine trying to find my way home. I have, like, a recollection of me on, like, the maps. Uh-huh.
50:26 It's like getting complete, like, you'd be in like, I don't even know where to begin with this. Like, just so. And then, um, yeah, I woke up and then I was like, all right, well, fuck. that was definitely not a proud drunk
50:38 where I'm like fuck dude like you know you're going through the phone you're like gree what was it yeah and then I went out for drinks that night and my buddy was like okay this is what he said he goes he goes I was like I was like I can have abs by you the bachelor party but I don't want it when he goes
50:57 no fucking ways there's no way you can have a six pack by my bachelor party he goes if you get a six pack by my bachelor's party you don't have to pay for the Airbnb which is $650 so I'm like you're on A person? Yes. Damn. Is it on the fucking moon?
51:10 It's insane, dude. Where is this? Another dimension? They got, it's on another dimension. They got the night. It's in QS. They got the nicest house. But I'm like, you gotta get the most durable house.
51:18 Yeah. We're not a gay couple. We're a bunch of drunk straight guys. Well, and also think about the people that rent those houses. Those people are not going to be like chill with the, oh, they didn't take the trash out or left pots in the pan. I'm stupid. Yeah.
51:34 But like, yeah, they're going to. But none of that's going to matter because me not paying. for there B and B, I think that also includes the damage fees. Wow. So I just like, destroy it. How long do you have? I don't think I'm going to make it. Okay. I'll make it about drinking, but I don't think I'm going to make it with a six-pack, but it is
51:49 70 days. Oh, yeah. I don't know. You cannot have a single carb in the next 70 days. So what I've done is so far, I think cutting alcohol is can do a ton. Absolutely. I'm not, I'm literally just eating protein. I am running.
52:05 I'm doing 45 minutes of cardio. an hour workout every single day. Do you drink soda? No, no, that's the thing. Everybody keeps being like, there's no way you can do this, but then they're like, you know this means no cake, right?
52:15 I'm like, yeah. People are saying the funniest stuff. They're like, you know you can't drink beer? I'm like, yes. How often are people having cake? Do people are eating, people's diet? Look, I know I go crazy and I get drunk and do stuff like that,
52:26 but I'm like, people don't think about stuff like that where it's like, dude. But yeah, no, I literally been, for the last four days, I've been doing ground beef, chicken and egg whites and then protein powder and water into the milk. Damn, that's all I'm doing. It's not bad.
52:43 Dude, that for 70 days and doing crazy ab workouts twice. I think it's... Are you sore right now? Yeah, I cough and it hurts. In a good way. Yeah, where you laugh and you're like, oh. It hurts so good. Yeah, my thing is, I think I might have body dysmorphia because I look at pictures
52:56 of me and I'm like, I can already see the abs. So I don't know, which I don't think they're there, but I think, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I don't know. I will say this. I've lost complete respect for anybody who has fucking abs because you're a fucking loser, the amount of dedication it takes from what I looked up. You should be so embarrassed that you spent your time getting abs. Unless you're a professional athlete or a model
53:14 or you're going to be in a Marvel movie, you're a fucking loser if you have abs. Like, a real six-back. I didn't want to say it, but... Yeah, I agree. Yeah, 100%. You're a fucking loser. I thought you were going to say, I didn't want to say it, but as somebody who used to have abs.
53:29 Tanner pulls it up, washboard abs. It's like that scene in fucking stepbrothers when Adam's shot... I've been a car. It's 2005, yeah, yeah. But I do think this, I think it's possible, but barely possible. But I think the thing is this, too, it's like $650 is so much money. And there's no downside. If I lose the bet, then I just have a good beach body for this trip.
53:50 Yeah. So there's really no downside. Yeah. I'm going to spend a lot more time working on comedy instead of... Are you going to have drinks when you're on the bachelor party? Yes. So I have decided this. The week before the bachelor party, I have to get alcohol tolerance.
54:03 So I'm going to have some rotisprice. chicken and five shots of vodka. Interesting. Like every night? No, no, no, no. Just one, like one week before the bachelor party, just so my body could get used to some alcohol, but I'll have no other calories that day.
54:18 Just so I like, my body can get used to it without gaining the fat. Yeah. Well, I was going to say, yeah, definitely don't have beer because that's just going to fucking blow you up. Five shots of vodka and a rotissory chicken will be enough, low enough calories to where I won't get fat again,
54:32 but I will get the introduced alcohol back into my diet. All right. yeah but I I don't know I think it's gonna be funny it's gonna be funny it's gonna be funny
54:38 I'm just like fuck that next episode I was like all right update I've decided to ditch the plan to be fair
54:46 I was not drinking like that that was a crazy weekend but I don't think in general I was drinking way less but I think if you take it out
54:52 completely it's like I don't drink very often me either yeah you lie I just can't I don't
55:01 I've never wanted to afford it and I don't I just the calories. I just can't. I just, I don't know. But when I do, I like, I'll get, I'll get fucked up. Yeah, I really like getting fucked up as shown from this story.
55:15 Dude, but like, I don't know. Maybe it's, it's definitely happened since I, like, turned 30, but, like, you said you got super fucked up. You were in another dimension and then the next night you went out for drinks. If I get really fucked up, I can't get out of bed for, like, two days, let alone, like, go drinking that next night? I don't know how people do that. I can't do that. Like, if you're 18 or you're in college, fine, go live your life. That's fine. I understand that. But if you're, like, 36 or, like, even in your 30s at all, like, I don't know how you can, I can't bounce back that quickly. Not at all.
55:48 Yeah, maybe I have a drinking problem. But I think it's also, like, I don't know, I think I, like, I am fueled by, like, I want to say it's FOMO. I don't have a fear of missing out. I have more. more of like a fear of like not like living my life to the fullest. So I'm very like also like I'm single. Sure. So like for me like being. You need to be out here like you know.
56:14 In these streets. Yeah. For me it's like I'm fully power. Now if I got pussy that morning, would not have gone drinking. Got it. But I was like, all right. Well, I really want to get fucking pussy tonight. Yeah.
56:25 And like interdimensional pussy at that point. And I'm kind of done with the whole fucking like dating app thing. because I think I lose so much of my personality. So I'm like, oh, I want to go to a bar on me, women. And by the way, that next night I didn't have that much. But then when I went out with Tanner, I was like, dude, I am, this is my last night of drinking, so we got fucking hammered on St. Patrick's Day. And I weirdly felt fine the next day.
56:45 All just at the pair? Yeah. Well, we went next door for like a hot second. Yeah, we had great talks. Dude, those are the weirdest ones where like, because they're, because I know my hangovers are so bad now, I make a conscious decision of just like, okay, we are going to get fucked up tonight
57:02 knowing full well what's going to happen tomorrow. But I know I'm doing this, it's X occasion, I'm going to have a fun time, go do whatever. And then there's, it doesn't happen all the time. But it's like, once every once in a while, you wake up and you're like, I feel fucking amazing right now. And you're like,
57:19 what did, and then you try to remember, you're like, okay, what sequence did I have stuff? Did I have what I'm trying to recreate? And then I can, there's no, I have no idea. I have no idea either. But what I, I think I've, I think I mapped out why I felt good that Sunday because I was like, all right, well, normally you feel a lot of guilt if you're hung over and shame.
57:36 You're like, what am I doing in my life? All that stuff. And I was instead like, I'm about to change my life. Yeah, I was like, so it was kind of a good feeling. I was like, that was fun. I'm glad I got really fucked up with Tanner. But I'm like, dude, I'm like, now I have, I'm like, I don't know. I'm going to really feel productive.
57:50 So like, I think that is part of it too. Because like, I think a lot of hangover is like the mental anxiety. So if I'm like, oh, I'm about to go get a bunch of shit, then that I feel good. Like I went to that day, it was crazy. Because me and you had drank a... How much do we drink? Like, at least... I have no idea.
58:02 I drank at least six drinks with you. Sure. Easily. Yeah. I drank before that. So I'm like, I had at least like 12 drinks. Yeah.
58:09 And next day, dude, I went on the fucking exercise bike for 45 minutes did like a full workout and I was like, how? Did I... I'm not throwing up right now.
58:15 Yeah. I just... I don't deal with pain well. I'm kind of a bitch. And so like, even just like a headache. I'm just like,
58:23 oh, I can't... I can't focus on anything. Fucking... That's the one thing I don't get from... You don't get headaches? I get everything but headaches. It's like the nausea and stuff.
58:33 Well, I don't get nausea. I just kind of feel shitty. I just feel terrible. Interesting. But this is not nausea or headaches, but it's everything else. Do you get the anxiety, you know? Yeah.
58:44 Yeah. I just feel bad everywhere, except for here and heat. My pinkies are out of control. It's just, I mean, I don't know. It's just, it's like the dehydration feeling. you know, and like the withdrawal feeling. Yeah.
58:59 That's, it's just that, but it's not like pain. I do try to, I see it's not a pain. I was about, it doesn't matter what I was going to say. It's not funny or really contributing. No, no, no, now it's here. Okay. Now it's here. I do try to, like, I do try to like,
59:12 curb it a little bit of like, or hedge. Like, you'll get fucked up. And then, like, when I get home, I'm just like, I gotta get water. Yeah, dude. I'll drink all the water. I'm like, oh, I got to put something out of you. And then you're just grabbing anything out of your fridge.
59:27 You're just like grapes, jalapinos, and cheddar cheese. Here we go. That actually sounds pretty good, actually. Well, the best we got the bodega there, and I'm the same way, whenever I get drunk, I'm like, okay, I'm going to get a Philly cheesecake. Yeah. Or a chopped cheese and a, like, gatorade kind of drink. And, like, that'll just, in my mind, I'm like, if that's the most I can do.
59:49 There's no way. I like that. If nothing else is going to, maybe. The idea of saying that's the most I can do. You're like looking at a coach Just like what else you want me to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm giving it my all right now.
01:00:03 I drank 30 beers. Yeah, dude. This is literally the only power of. This Gatorade ice is going to go. It's what else do? What else do you want me to do? I'm not going to cut out. For me, nothing works.
01:00:14 Like I've literally drank like two gallons of water and ate like an entire pizza before bed. Like all those, all that bread. Take 10 ibuprofen, gone to sleep. And it just, it feels exact same as I would have had. I had nothing. Yeah. Yeah.
01:00:27 The other thing I was realizing it would have been so funny if I already had a six-pack when I made that bet with that friend. It may he's like, I bet you're going to have a six-pack buy. I'm like, $600 and then just got like, boom. Yeah, yeah. Bet.
01:00:40 You got to take fake exercise pictures of just like, just out here really grinding, you know? And that's where this is, I've always said abs are very gay. And it's gotten even further where, like, my brother, like, lost a bunch of weight. You got, like, crazy six-pack and stuff like that. And then me and him were, like, comparing notes.
01:00:57 so he's like sending shirtless pictures to me and I'm like, this is where I'm at and I just look at the conversation I'm like, who the fuck am I? I'm sending shirtless mirror pictures back and forth with my brother. I'm like, this is, this is bad. But it's all I can think about now.
01:01:10 Now I'm like obsessed. Now I'm like watching videos. Now my YouTube algorithm is all these shirtless guys. I'm like, this is the most homosexual thing. Yeah. And it's also gay. Outside of that, it's a lame gay
01:01:21 and it's a homosexual gay. Yeah. Yeah. Both kinds. But thank you for listening to gays, by the way. We do appreciate you. Glad to have you.
01:01:28 Glad to have you. We're at an hour now, so what do you guys want? Oh, that was crazy. I felt there's an hour and it's an hour in one minute. Whoa. Nice. Yeah, I also have been looking at the time the whole time. Got a brewery show coming up in Maryland on next Friday the 28th at Hopkins Farm Brewing.
01:01:46 Other than that, you can follow me at Matt Bowman Comedy everywhere. I'm at Tanner Comedy on everything. And I don't know. Oh, that's like, real quick. I hate to interrupt your plug. but he said, I'm at this brewery and he said, I'm at Tanner Comedy. I was like,
01:01:59 does Tanner have his own comedy club? Performing it, performing a Tanner Comedy Club. Oh, fucking asshole. You're like the Booker, man. The Booker, man. The Booker, I can't.
01:02:08 I can't put in a good word for it. Who knows? This Saturday and Sunday, I'll be at the Pear. The downtown Grizzly. Oh, yeah. Oh, so Sunday. Yeah, yeah. Sunday, okay.
01:02:19 Tonight, yeah. And then also on the 27th, I'll be there too. Oh, nice. Okay, sweet. Yeah, and fucking both very funny guys. I've got spots around. too. Like, I get book.
01:02:29 Yeah, if you really enjoy somebody, you should DM them or check their stories and then that's normally where they're performing. And by the way, just because there's not a show on our stories, that doesn't mean we're not getting it. Oh, no, I never post it. I used to post it every day and I could just, I just know I was getting on everybody's nerves and I got sick of doing it myself. I was like, I'm not doing this.
01:02:44 Oh, and also, if I ever take a boomerang of somebody on stage, that's a show that I want to get on. That is not one that I am performing. That is me sucking dick. For me, it's the opposite. it's always a show that I'm on, but I haven't gone up yet, and I'm hoping they'll reciprocate the boomerang.
01:03:00 Oh, sure, yeah. You ever, like, want to do a boomerang, but then the person on stage is too lame. I'm not doing it of them. Yeah. Dude, I don't be a lie if I do, like, fire emoji. This is also, dude, I fucking, this is such a neat.
01:03:11 I hate when I'm, I'm like, oh, I'm going to take a boomerang of Tanner. And then, but, like, for whatever reason, like, for that minute that you're on stage, you're not moving very much. You're just, like, standing there. And so I'm looking like a fucking mom where I'm just like,
01:03:25 All right, come on, wait till he does it. Move your hand or something. Yeah, and then you've got to check to make sure that you didn't accidentally go like that. So that's why nobody boomerangs me, because I'm too stationary. You got to move around a little, baby. I need to like, boomerang has shown me kind of in some ways like that. I just hunch on stage so much. Oh, sure.
01:03:43 I'm like basically bent over sucking my own penis. Yeah, I could have told you that. Yeah, yeah. And I use my hands too much. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I do that. It's good. But, oh, wait, let's let's call it a name. Bye.
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