Morning Good - Retrograde Ejaculation - Episode 226

Episode Date: June 30, 2024

Joe Jacques and Paddy Defino return to the show for today's episode. They talk about Tantric practices, unexpected fans of the podcast , and Michael's near-death amyl nitrate experience. Paddy Defino is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and hosts News From Bed on YouTube. Joe Jacques is on Instagram as well @joejaxcomedy and produces the Rough Week podcast with Christophe Jean, so check that out too.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. We're here with Patty Defino. Hey, Michael. And Joe Jax. Hello. I'm feeling kind of good.

Kind of Lucy. Kind of Lucy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were talking about how women are Women edge. Oh, yeah. I don't know if women edge. I think any time a woman goes to a basketball game or watches house hunters, she is.

She edges, yeah. In fact, edging. Yeah. Have you heard of tantric sex? Is that where you... Is that where you dress up as a baby and start crying? Oh, that's tantrum. You whine?

I want pussy. You just meet someone on Craigslist. You show up in a diaper. She's got like a whip. you're like, I think I read the thing wrong. I just call that regular sex. You're just going on the ground. I want it.

Please. Please. No, it's where it's like a spiritual thing where you just edge each other. And it's like you practice it and sex takes like three hours. That sounds like I've never thought that I would ever hit a woman. But I think the anger of blue balls if you left it for three hours. No, I'm trying to. Train my body and spirit, dude.

I would get mad, but the key is, like, once she hugs you, you just bust in your pants. Yeah, and you're crying and you have a relationship with God and stuff. That's like all, isn't that like, was it a comma soup trial or whatever? Yeah, I've never opened up the book, but yeah, it's like every, it's like a spiritual take on sex. You do every position. Is that the book of love they're singing about in American Pie? I think so. Or are they talking about the movie American Pie, the Book of Love?

in the song. Yeah. That's one of the American Pie movies, which is what the song is based off of. Yeah. I don't know. Hey, what song are you talking about?

Bye, by Miss America. Oh, yeah. Oh, did you write the book of love? Yeah. Yeah, maybe that's what they're talking about. It is funny that that whole commissutra thing and like the female

orgasm is like, it's such an Indian guy thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. They did not stop being, yeah. Yeah. For one day.

Yeah. It's funny to imagine them like at a 7-11, like, just like hitting on a one. and being like, I'll give you the best night of your life. And then, like, she actually gets her mind rocked by this guy. Once you get past, like, the classic five positions, you're into, like, the Amazon position and, like, you have to go backwards and I shit on you.

I bet, like, page 10 is where it gets weird. Oh, yeah. Well, it's also funny, too. I'm just thinking of these Indian guys being like, because there's obviously, like, there's, like, a horniness to not, you know, whatever. You get what I'm talking about fucking listeners. But I'm done. No, no, no, no.

You get it. Whatever. But it's like, I'm not going to adjust. defy my racism. But it's one of those things where it's like, imagine thinking you're the best at sex because you did all the research. And then people like, if they don't want to fuck you, I get

why they'd be like, what's going on? You don't know what? They're like, literally, I've researched this my whole life. I'm going to fuck you. It's going to be good. I don't know why. You say no. Well, in a second, then they have like, like, a big bus rape problem in India. I thought you're going to say a big bus rape. Bust rape.

What's up? You said they have a big bust. rape problem. It's a festival. Everybody keeps getting busted, raking. Everyone keeps busting when they it's an issue.

A cop comes in, he's like, you're, he's busting somebody for raping somebody. You're busting or I busted too. He's so good. He's so well trained. His body distracted me.

Some sort of hypnosis. Well, we were just talking about somebody got like raped on the beach in Panama City when I was in college. We were talking about that over scones. it's our discussion just having a tea time yeah well I mean what was

I heard the Duke of Floatingham right to woman on the is that true you found out in a newspaper you guys are both reading that's just a little glass it was like we're talking about they always have if something fucked up happens they always have to make a law

you know what I mean they're like oh this happens And so now we have to like, they stopped allowing drinking on the beach because this woman got raped on the beach. Yeah. With you just ruin it for everybody. I know, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like you can't like. You know what they should have done is just made raping on the beach.

Yeah. They're like, no, no, no, under a sober pretext. Yeah. I think we should actually is ban swimsuits for women. That's what it is. That'd be so funny. The next year they go, hijabs required a fan of all city beach. They need to know what's over.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's like fucking like, it's like, yeah, it's like with something bad habits, they have to make some rule. It's like the reason like, fucking like certain states, I feel like the reason they don't have 40s

is because like some high school kid got drunk and like drove his car through a tree and died. And they're like, well, the 40 ounces were the problem. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah.

Yeah, that's why monkeys don't fly rocket ships anymore. Yeah. One monkey raped somebody. Yeah. Yeah. They crashed it into the banana aisle. Yeah. A Walmart.

that's just so funny that there's like so many monkeys that have been to space but I have it. I mean it's an exactly wild thing to think monkeys have had greater experiences on this life than humans I think yes and they get to throw their own poo everywhere without yeah but then it's like a chimp like

each your brother's head off and like great experience for the monkey yeah we don't get to do that think about per monkey though there's not like that many monks per person every person has had a shit life you know right but per monkey like some of them have gotten like

pretty sure the monkey's life is worse than ours you're just in the wilderness and you have to worry about like you're hiding in trees because like a bear is going to eat you. Yeah, maybe. I don't know, yeah. I'd much rather have just like I don't have enough money. Yeah, they act like animals

don't have anxiety but it's like I, okay it's like yeah, because we still am sleeping occasionally we're like look at this dog, it's like but there's other things where the dog's like screaming at the TV. It's like dogs are screaming all the time and people like they're like they're such fun lighthearted people but like they see a squirrel and they're like

bra. It's the scariest experience for them is to see like a turtle. But if monkeys weren't the most fun having people were with the expression

monkeying around have come from. I don't know. I think when we don't have science, we need expression. Jason David's been sending me monkey pictures

from his, he's in Africa right now and he's just sending him different monkeys and I have to identify them for him. I don't have to, but it's a challenge.

You're the expert he's going to. This is a verbit monkey. But, um, Yeah, I don't know. There's also that debate about like, like, everybody's like, I, by the way, this is the hardest thing in the world because I'm a big monkey guy. Do you guys were, every thing I walked by the podcast, because Patty's doing his podcast in that corner of the room the other day. And every two seconds, I just hear things I want to chime in on so bad. We're like, yeah, monkeys make terrible pets. I'm like, ooh. Dude, that's me listening to Rogan sometimes. I'm like, dude, I should be, I should be here. I know more about I've rebeckton. I would have said the coolest thing right there. The best podcast line.

They're getting that detail wrong, you fucking retards. I would love to just be placed in someone's body who's on Joe Rogan. Yeah. And just be like, yeah, Joe, you talked about this every single episode. You're a fucking retort and hit like the click button and go back to my body. And the guy's like, what? I'm like watching. He's just getting the shit kicked out of him.

Yeah, it's funny too, because he's like one of those guys that has like very good discipline. so he's like a killing machine that has like very good discipline. I'm just going to send him this clip just to let him know I like him. And then now we're going to shit on him for this. But it's like there's got to be one thing that snaps him. And then like Joe Rogan's like like kill a man in a year because he's got so much testosterone. I mean, such a killing machine that like one guest is going to come on and just say like the wrong thing. I feel like it would be like, it would be like, it would be like, it would be like, it would be like, it would be like him at like the boardwalk with his family.

and there's a guy who's like, let me guess your weight. And like, it's just impossible to guess his weight. He's like, and he just gets so fucking mad. He's just a cool monkey mode to rip off all of his clothes. He picks up the hammer that you used to hit that thing, the bell. He just murdered that. Kills him. Joe Rogan killed a man with a cartoonishly large hammer.

He was awarded the biggest teddy bag. Yeah, we were joking. We were watching Plated of the Apes. And you know, he's always talking about, like, chimpanzees. We're saying how funny if it was like, he's always talking about how dangerous chimps are on his podcast. We're talking about how funny it would be if that's because he saw Plano the Apes and thought it was like all the games.

It's a documentary. Yeah. You know, as much as the fucking horses, bro, they have guns. It's insane. I'm telling me what,

you get some cameras out there? They are crazy. But they also like, you guys were having that argument on there where it was like, oh, it's like, you know, chimpanzee or monkeys are terrible pets.

And it's like, yes, and it's like, that's a terrible life for that monkey. And I really have mixed feelings on this. I don't think it's because of that. I think it's because they kill you. Yes.

But bubbles. They're so cute. And then they, every single one of them has one day where they just snap or you like move wrong. Yeah. Bad day for monkey is like biting a child's face off. Like for us, it's like you don't. That's also our fault for thinking that we can make them. It's like we're acting like, like, oh, this monkey went crazy.

It's like, no, it's a monkey. It doesn't. Why are we acting like it should be in your house? Did it go crazy or become insane or become insane? Or it's just is a monkey. Like it should be outside in the jungle. It is a lower developed primate. Yeah.

So the fact it's like doing things that like aren't reading books. It's us being fucking retards who being like, oh look at him. He's in a little diaper. Isn't that so cute? And then it's like, oh, it's his fault. He's like an animal. Yeah. Well, I'll say I will make this distinction.

Like there are smaller monkeys that I think could like it's a, it's a heavy pet as far as like a lot to deal with. Yeah. But like as far as like it's not going to kick. Like there's monkeys that like are, you could literally punch in the face. I've seen the cutest videos on TikTok in the world. He's giving him a bath and like. What about pigs? Do you like little pigs, a little teakot pig?

Yeah, I think pigs are, they start out that way. Like, our fraternity would have shit like that. We're like, this guy bought a pig. And then the pig, they're like, then he's like, I don't want a pig. Pretty good pets. Like, they're smarter than dogs, I think, generally.

Can you have a New York city? Dude, if I could have my little pig on the subway? Yeah, that was, I have a problem. I'm immediately like I get so much pussy with my little pet pig. I'm like, why is... You would, dude. Yeah, why is that the thing that I'm fucking... It's an immediate icebreaker,

but then it's like, I'm not going to take care of a fucking pig. No, but if you, you know, you get hungry. Dude, just eating it the next day. Eating a teacup, baby, like on a bun. Do you know those little things? They, like, never get bigger than like this. Yeah, they're so cute. They're like, uh, they're essentially just like one of those, uh, those big hamsters, uh, gerbil.

What are they called? The guinea pig? Guinea pig. Yeah, they're just a guinea. Wow. I call them Richard Gears Dildos. You guys ever get fucked up about eating animals? Uh, yeah, dude.

like well the weird like it's randomly it'll if I just see one thing about randomly I'm like oh like but it'll be chicken fingers I can never if it looks distorted enough like a patty really doesn't gross me out because I'm like oh this just I don't think I'm ever gross to eating and it's only when I see those videos that expose like how fucked up the whole system is I just avoid the videos yeah yeah I think that's the best way complete ignorance you just assume like the chicken that some guy handed you on a cart in Williamsburg like live the greatest He's just constantly getting like pig pussy all the time.

Well that's the funny thing dude is like people... This chicken was fucking big. Yeah. It was a fucking gangster. Yeah. Well, it's like, that would be funny too. Each, each animal you eat

had like a little documentary on the back of, like a little dude's paper. On the menu like was a gangster. Yeah, or like was a bitch. It's like an obituary of it. It's like at age three, a guy does ass kicked by this, this and this. It's parents for this one and this one.

You had to make you feel better about it. This chicken was actually hated the Jews. This chicken was smoking weed middle school before all of his friends, so he's cool. Yeah, this one became an eagle scout, stuff like that. An eagle scout, which is a great achievement for a chicken. Yeah, all they want to be is an eagle. Yeah, yeah. But the, what is it?

I don't know what I was going with that. There's something about... You get grossed out by eating certain things? No, no, I don't. I don't. But it's like... It can look so like... Like if it looks far enough removed, like a cheeseburger, there's no way I believe that's a cow, even though it is.

Yeah. Like I'm like, this is not a cow. It's fuck a cheeseburger. I always wanted to eat like the big dinner with like the pig with the apple on his mouth. Oh, dude. Like from Shrek. That's just all I think of. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I get grossed out from eating pussy if it's not on like a level surface. Interesting. Like if it's like if she's, like one of those things and put it on her stomach. Yeah. Yeah. It's like if it's like if there's like a weird angle and it's. You're in the shower and you go down there? Yeah, I kind of need to be like,

like directly lined up. Yeah. With my axis, though which way is north? Well, what's grosses you out about any other direction? It just doesn't seem, if there's like a leg in the way

or like a, you know, a weird angle. Yeah. Not for me. You could pussy gross you out when you first saw it as like a child? Oh.

Yeah. I didn't even, I don't know if I even knew what it was. I thought it was called a vagina. I didn't realize it was vagina. Dude, I'll be honest, I was drunk at a funeral recently.

Well, after service of a funeral. And I almost told this woman like, oh, I was like, dude, your daughter was the first vagina I ever saw. I was like, in the back of my head, I'm like, just don't say it. I'm like, it could be funny. I was like, don't fucking say it.

Could be funny, though. Could be funny. What, did it feel like it was a conversation where you could say that? Yeah, they were like being so supportive for my comedy and they're like, you can bring us out.

We like the crazy. Oh, yeah. You know, it was crazy. her pussy. Yeah, I saw your daughter's vagina when we were both like five.

That was interesting. Oh, was that young? She was just like, hey, you want to see something? Yeah, and I was like,

oh, I don't have one of that. Like, I don't know, I remember that very clear. Yeah. It just looks like a, it looks like a male slot.

Yeah, yeah, you know? Which is also what I call it. What am I? What am I? What am I trying to mail Santa letter?

Yeah. What was the first vagina you ever saw in your life? I think mine was, uh, it was probably like a little girls or something. last year

I got it was probably my mom I remember that one I remember I caught a glimpse of my mom but it was like Bushtown USA oh my mom was Bushtown too It was like Bush Cheney Yeah 2004

We're just like accidentally walking We're just getting out of shower or something Yeah I wanted to do I have like a best man speech Coming up next weekend And me and my friend Who I'm like

He's getting married When we were in high school, we had this bowl that we shared, and it was, we named a weed bowl. A weed bowl. I can't know why I picture you guys eating Captain Crudgers. It's your turn this week. I get this straw that drinks all the milk. Yeah, I left all the milk in it from last time. It was just a weed bowl, but like we named it George Bush because we just thought it was funny.

And I wanted to do a joke at his thing where it was like, we named it George Bush, not because it lasted eight years, but because it was. was responsible for 9-11. And I'm like, I can't do that. It's just his grandparents. Just families. But I've also started to decide that I think I'm just going to let my humor. I'm just going to be authentically all the time. And it's going to start being...

I like that. You said something similar to that one of the last times I saw it. Yeah. It's going to be very upsetting to be around me. I will lose friends, families, coworkers, jobs, opportunities. I mean, there's only so much you can be honest without just completely... Totally.

But you see... Pushing away everyone. in your life. Yeah, but you see these comics, like, oh, they're going on instinct always. And I'm kind of like, you know what? I think if you could do it like basically 24-7, you might. Think about it. If Tim Dillon met my dad, he would not be like, oh, nice to meet you, Carson,

good. He'd be like, oh, you got this. You know, I mean, he should just be crazy. And I'm like, I'm not saying I want to be somebody else, but it's like, I would say that for Tim Dillon. I could see him being a very normal guy off. You met him, right? I would say, like, Bobby Lee would, like, try to have sex with your dad. Probably. I think

Tim Dillon wouldn't even, he would just be like, hey, yeah i think there is something really cool about somebody who's just completely themselves all the time well it is exhausting to do the other thing it's like exhausting having those you're having like a conversation about something boring and you're like all small talk was hard for me to figure out growing up of like when i found myself a thanksgiving dinner and i'm the youngest and it's all these adults and i have to make conversation i'm like the fuck is going on here what are these people talking about what am i supposed to be right now in order to like exist yeah well and then i was old enough to drink with them and i'm like okay it's just so much easier yeah and i i i

I like thought it would, so I said I had to go to this funeral and I thought it would be worse than it was. I was getting really nervous. And then it was like, man, there are some cool motherfuckers there. Like it was like, this one guy who was like a Boy Scout troop leader when I was a kid, he would like, he was very strict dad. You know what I mean? He'd be like, no, you guys got to be doing merit pay, whatever the fucking shit he would say. But he's like a big morning good fan. And he like came up to me and he's like, dude, I love the podcast. He's like, it's raw. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, or I don't filtered. Maybe I'm remembering what I'm hearing, but he's like, yeah, I love

it. Keep fucking doing it. It's great. And I was just like, holy shit. That just warmed my heart. I actually thought it was like a podcast where you slowly come out of the closet. This is great. He's finally going to do it. I got a comment on that recently. Somebody's like, this guy is so closeted. He doesn't even know it yet.

I haven't questioned my sexuality in a very long time. That one comment made me think... It's been a couple of hours. Is this a good joke? This guy is more closeted than a gifted scarf. It makes sense. I like, that's great.

That's great. He's for better. Yeah. But I've never, it's so long. And then just one comment, I was like, does he know something?

I don't know. Because the way he said it sounds like he's like, I've seen this before. I went on an ego trip of looking at old clip comments of just like, you know, you ever go down memory lane or am I a narcissist to like go on like old standup bits from like a year ago and just look at the comments. Oh,

yeah. And then there's one clip that's very uncontroversially. like just like a, you know, decent joke. And I'm like, these are positive. And then it's another one where I'm like saying some shit about gay people. I'm like, oh, they hate. I didn't even know these were comments. There is something beautiful about like a person in comedy has one interaction with you

and you're a comedian in that setting. And that person leaves hating you and never seeing you again. Yeah, that's their interpretation of you until they're dead. It's kind of amazing. Because like how many people. in life get to have that. They get to have these people scattered across the world. You say that,

but there's people I see on the subway and I'm like, I fucking hate that guy. You know what I'm sure? It's just a homeless guy. Think about the, there are, think about the amount of people

that have just walked by you and they're like, fucking peace. I mean, there are teachers who are like great husbands and like, you know, parents and just like normal ass people. And they're just, you know,

ballbusting teachers. And then the, for the rest of their lives, there's that kid that's like, dude, my algebra teacher, maybe the worst person I've ever interacted with in my life. And yeah, it's the same thing. These students, like, I have this one teacher out from algebra in high school. She's fucking hated her. Looking back, I'm like, she's probably just like a normal woman.

Probably, like, her tests are way too fucking hard. And she didn't let me retake that thing and like, fuck that lady. And that's my opinion. We'd have teachers that, like, my, yeah, everybody would like call like Hitler or like the dictator. Everybody, yeah, like, all this crazy. shit. So there's all these people interpreting them a certain way. Yeah. Going off and... But there's the other side too. There's a teacher

that's like, God, I fucking hate Bobby Johnson, Jr. And that fucking kid, I hope he ties. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to put crayons in my ear. And they're like, you evil piece of shit. No, when I substituted, there was a couple kids, I'm like, fuck everything about this kid. I hate him. I know my high school calculus teacher

fucking hated me because I would always just be like the funny guy in class, like, never do his homework, whatever. But there was one day, this was the day that she hated me because she was, like, giving this long lecture about calculus.

And she's like, with calculus, you can do anything? And I, like, stood up. And I was like, can calculus do this? I was like, and everyone laughed. And, like, her life, she's like, calculus, can't do that.

Yeah. She's like, four to the five years, fifth powder, you can carry the two. Oh, no. That's her head. catches on fire. Do you remember your funniest bit in a class?

One time, no, okay, there was one that was pretty good. One time I farted and then... Good bit. I looked around. I looked around and I go, I was going to blame Sean, but I didn't really have time to think of it at the moment. So everybody's like, that's great. And then I think my best is probably gym class when Coach Babiak.

We used to call him Coach Baby Sack. That's good enough. That's perfect. Yeah. But this guy would like always grill us. Like as a kid, I've always said this. I'm so confident in how every teacher, not all of them, but like most of them,

I was like, oh, I know this guy's a fucking loser. It's like a grown man be yelling at me. This guy's a loser. So I would not take anything they said seriously. And he's like, Michael, he's like, drop your mitt and run five laps.

And I dropped my mint, and I'd run five laps around the mitt. And then it was just like, everybody was like, fuck, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. You just owned this grown man. And you're like,

I'm winning because I'm a child of sending a grown man. Yeah, I can't remember really. I fake the seizure one time. That's pretty good. Oh, yeah. Can calculus do this? That was pretty fucking good.

That was a good one. We used to do fake falls all the time. So, like, people just walking down the hallway with, like, a stack of papers would just pretend a trip and just throw all the papers. That was always a good one. Did you have the kid that would go, uh? They would just be a bone out of nowhere. That was very popular in my school. Yeah.

One of the funniest things I've ever seen. And this kid got married. The. following year. I'll preface it with that. We were in high school. It was a senior year English class. The teacher is at the board writing something. He's sitting in the front row of the class and he's a big kid. So he's like haunching like over his desk. He's just like an athlete. He's just a fucking huge guy. Kind of scary, but like just sporadic. And all of a sudden the teacher's writing something. He just rips out the loudest fart and everyone turns.

and looks right at him. And as everyone looks, he stands up, crumbles a piece of paper, turns around, and just spikes it off the girl's face who is sitting behind it.

And that's how they got married. The teachers, like, go to the Dean's off. And he just left. And I was like, that was incredible. Yeah, yeah. Like, he,

he, like, his first move was the fart because he's like, watch this everybody. Yeah. And then he followed it up. He followed it up by crinkling. I don't know.

Maybe he farted. And when, everyone was on him, he's like, oh, shit. And he's like, I gotta do something. That's what I read it as a redirect. Oh, right? Yeah, it was an audible. Yeah. That was the best. That was the coolest one. You know, the only one I can think of wasn't like for the class. Like it wasn't where the whole class left, but I remember making my teacher laugh. It's, yeah, it was, it's kind of nerdy when I say now, but she said something about like, it was science in like sixth grade. And she goes, every cell in the body has a job.

And I think I was like sitting right next and I just go, not in this economy. And I first, I don't know where that came from because that's almost too like adult for like a sixth grader to say. But she was just like, that was pretty good. I'm not going to lie. I'll never. Oh, actually, this is the one that like got me in trouble. The first one they got me in trouble. I was in kindergarten.

And there was, we played like a game and gave out like these awards or, whatever and they're like all right clap it up for this girl who won this it was like a very like tepid applause and i and my teacher who was a metz fan was like come on guys and i was like that sounds like the applause at a met's game and she just she's like everyone go back to class defino stay here oh i thought they'd be like yeah all right that was pretty solid and she like called my because my dad was a teacher she like called my dad in and like told my dad what i said and he's like Oh, that's like her. It was like he knew.

He's like, damn. Oh, you had a teacher dad? Yeah, I had a teacher dad. I had my dad as a teacher. Yeah. I had him for like math and the talk, the sex talk. Oh, classic. Yeah.

Wait, wait, your dad came in to tell everybody about sex. Yeah, he's so good. They're like, we need a speaker. He's like, dude, when you hit it like, he's like, the best is okay, like her legs up here. And they're like, you grab the ankles. Why you just, eh? Yeah.

So what you're going to? want to do is light a candle that will hide a morning Indian guy to teach you guys about sex. Lighting a candle will hide the smell in the room. Or an Indian guy.

So make sure when you kiss her your mustaches do not lock otherwise. You want to have a hot time. Like Velcro. It hurts very much for me. She ends up with two mustaches. of one.

Two for the price of one discount. Yeah, my dad gave us a sex, but he just described wet dreams. That's all he did for like 45 minutes. Because he's like, this is the only thing you guys worried about.

He's like, I'm a Catholic. Whatever, he blacked out for sex. We're not going to put the, what is it, put the carriage ahead of the horse. Yeah, yeah. It's back to sayings. Wet dreams are so, like, insisted upon and yet so many

many people just never have them in their lives. I know. When you learn about it as a kid, you're just like, did they just make that up? What the fuck were they talking about? The part they should say is they're like, look, the most weird part about wet drinks is how confusing they're going to be. You're going to be like, it's real. Why did my cousin come up in that? You know, the thought.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, am I gay? Also, people, like, wet the bed. So, like, a wet, I've had many wet dreams where I'm just, like, by a river. Yeah. But, like, well, I used to think pissing after jerking off was coming because I didn't come, like the first year I jerk off. And I'd be like, oh, oh, that's a fucking blow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is, shooting blacks, it would be funny if you did just shoot air. Like, it's just like a little air. Just a puff of dust comes there. Or just like a little, it's almost like a leaf blow or just like, that's me, dude, that's what happened to me. I don't come, but I just, yeah. Yeah. Well, I actually can't come, you know that.

I didn't know that. You didn't know that? You can't? Nothing comes out, yeah. Dang. So wait, do you have the, is it like the same orgasm you had before you could jerk off? It feels- Joe had cancer, by the way.

Yeah, I got one ball. Pretty sick. It was... Loser. Which we had... You got five balls in this couch. Yeah. I'm pretty good at math.

Oh, yeah, you say six. It's like, who's got three? No, so it's called retrograde ejaculation. So it's... I still get my pee-heard and I still feel the orgasm, but nothing. The 70s music plays. Yeah. Yeah, to disco.

No, the retro means it goes back into my bladder instead of going forward. Oh, sure. So is it the same thing as when you're a... kid and you jerk off? Because I used to jerk it and he felt great. Essentially, yeah. Your own body body, I do miss kind of, but it's been so long. I don't know what it feels like to

can we put come into your penis just to shoot it out? I would like you. I watch all this porn and I'm like, until like girls getting cummed on. Your Honor, I know I was masturbating to child porn, but I can't come. It doesn't count. It's just edging. It's not rape if you edge.

Yeah, you're definitely technically an edge Lord. Yeah, well, I still edge myself, but, you know, but the trouble is you edge yourself and you know you're not coming, but there's sometimes all kind of like basically come, but stop myself and not really. And I'm like, there's no real way of telling if I actually finished or not. And, oh, that makes sense.

Yeah, because there's a clear answer. You go, now it's time for me to hate myself for a minute because it's come on my stomach. Yeah, no, I think maybe. Do you not get post-nut clarity? I think there's less of the shame involved with. jacking off because there's there's no clean up. I started getting shame when I started coming.

You have to like do the like bottle to the bathroom or like you know you have come because you're just covered in some guys come. I didn't want that. I wanted to do that that's some lady. That makes this all I guys I feel like my whole life is coming together.

That's good. There's a little bit of like you release you know the serotonin or whatever. So there's still. some amount of like, I don't know, like, not really, not as much. Yeah, I'm sure. I gotta fucking get my balls taken off. Yeah. And I jerk off way more to, because

it's just less involved. Like, I watch porn in my bed, I jerk off, and then I just lay down. There's no cleanup whatsoever. And then you kind of like take a nap, you wake up, you're like, I feel like I could do that again. I'm not losing anything, literally. I feel like I've asked this, but do you have a false testicle? No, I looked up if I could do

and I think it either costs extra. Like, it's not through the doctor. Dude, I think if you don't ask them. But you definitely get a cube. I was thinking cube. I was thinking like one you flick and it lights up or plays a song or something. Dude, that is so sick. Flick my test goes,

celebrate. Like a too soon? Yeah, I just get that bass that they hang on the wall. Put it in your nuts. But not a small one, like an actual full bass. What is it?

Something Billy Bass, Billy Bass. I have to go to Burger King or it won't stop. No, yeah, the two obvious things is they didn't let me keep it, and I just got the one. That's such bullshit. That's your body. Your choice.

I guess they wanted to, like, fucking dissect it and, like, find out, like, what was in there. Yeah. But that was, like, the first question I had. Yeah, yeah. I like to think it's looking for me. Were you nervous when you were first, like, fuck, I'm not going to have one testicle? Or were you more like, I'm going to die of cancer. That's more scary.

Uh, I try hard to think that far back, but I think there was some low. I think it was way more, like, just take it out of me. I don't have any connection to really this thing. Also, it did be a thing. But you can never have kids, right? Is that by you? Well, I don't know the rules exactly. I bet I could-

I bet we could jam a needle right in one of those guys. One, I did freeze my sperm. Okay, how long got it frozen for? 10 years, which was more expensive. Wait, no, I think five, I don't know. He's like, wait, I think I don't have come. I think, no, I think I'm... What days is it today?

Is it July 24th? Oh, yeah, I don't have kids. I think when I turn 27, I need to re-up it, which I should have just got it for 10 years, but I was like, that's too expensive. Yeah, that's so funny, too, that they're like, look, you didn't pay the bills. Now we're not going to get you.

Well, in my head, I was like, what if I use it? What if I want to use it before 10 years? Then I just wasted the money. But then I'm like, wait, I'm not going to fucking want kids. It would be funny if you were a gay guy and you, like, froze your sperm because you're like, you never know.

Like, I'm a gay guy. You never know what's going to happen. And then like five years later, you get it unfrozen to just put in your own ass. I guess this is what I wanted all along. I wanted to, I had the thought of like, I really do want to have the ability to come on a girl's face because I just can't do that anymore.

And so that I had the thought of like going and taking my sperm out of the bank and just putting it like a turkey baser and just throwing it on the girl's face. Opening an envelope. I just throw it at her And then I'm like fuck I can't have kids anymore I wasted it Worth it

Totally worth it But no Yeah I mean I think they can also probably like go in my pee Or something And like retrieve the sperm Or like get it straight from my balls Yeah they could do like a magic school bus thing

Where they go into the school They go into a little school bus Have we done that? I feel like we've done that Magic school bust is good Miss Frisle Damn, dude. Looking back, like, you see a booty like that now?

Like, as you get older, like, some of those cartoon booties are like... Also, she kind of had, like, the Zoe Day Chanel, like, quirked up, like... Yeah. Yeah. I would... She's going to, like, say some, like, really whimsical shit and then just fucking suck the hell out of my dick. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude.

Yeah, nothing like a sassy hipster, dude. That'll fucking... Yeah. That'll get you there. There's one at the coffee shop. If you're looking for your fix. Can I pause? I think I was telling you

I was trying to hook up with I want a bang girl with hairy armpits but it's like so out of my like they see a me and they're you said that about being into old girls but they're not you're not there type right but I do what I do is I literally threw my location in for Hinge in fucking Bushwick and did

radius one mile deal breaker and every other one just had Harry armpits see that's where being yourself all the time doesn't come in handy should I get like a hipster outfit I just wear out of the the outfit that also yeah like

yo let's go to this protest that's like where you would meet them just like carry a hacky sack around never kick it well somebody's telling me there's a thing that used to be a law called rape by deception where if you like lie to somebody

enough to have sex with them apparently changed it because like trans women were just immediately getting like thrown in jail every time so like they were like it seems kind of unfair but I was like that is like every guy lies yeah isn't that just called sex? What kind of lie are we talking

about. If you, like, switch somebody out with your twin brother, that's clearly... Right. Or, like, if you say, like, I guess the one that would make sense if you're like... I have a huge penis. Lock me up. Your honor, that is not huge. Yeah. Yeah.

Give it a second. He's like, slavid it again. They're shown pictures of in the courtroom. The judge also is a small penis. Like, actually, I think that's normal. It's actually kind of a big penis. There are three black men on the jury. I would like them removed for this conversation. I need a new jury of all small Filipino men.

Wow, that's the biggest penis I ever seen. Joe Coy is there? Yeah, no, I think, yeah, it's like every, I think it's like that, or I guess you know what, it's probably more for stuff like, oh, if you have sex with me, you'll get this part in this movie. Oh, yeah, that's pretty good. But then I guess that's also like,

that's illegal. If they get the part in the movie, then the, trial doesn't stand. Right. Because then it's not deception. Yeah, yeah. But then it must get tricky if they're like, oh, we film, but we cut her scenes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess it's probably more of like, it's probably that. And like, I think it's for more complex situations where somebody's like, somebody pretends to be somebody totally else. But I'm like, I don't know. Like, you should, I, I don't know.

Dude, if you, like, tell a woman you're an astronaut and bang, I don't really see the problem. Because she's still like. Yeah, I'm trying to think of scenarios where it gets like really tricky, but yeah, I don't know. It's like she still wanted to fuck you. You pulled off the lie of being an astronaut. So like you still like won the getting pussy. I would imagine.

She's like, can you get on top? You're like, I'm sorry, I'm still adjusting the gravity. It's just the weightlessness up there. It's so heavy here. Yeah, I think any scenario where there's some gray area of consent. But, yeah, I guess, you know, if you tell a girl you're an astronaut,

I'm like about to go into women. She's like, wait, wait, wait. So your full income is stand up, right? I'm like unemployment for four months. I'm like most of it is. I love that's the like the qualifying factor. I mean, I lie to girls all the time when they, you know, I pretend like I'm not the biggest, like, edgiest guy they've ever met.

It's like, dude, I have fucking, if you say the N-word, you're the biggest piece of shit in the world, I'm just, and I'm sitting there like, you know, those guys would say it in the shower. Those guys are the words They're like, I don't know Songs on, Car with some friends Yeah, that does suck when a girl says that

Like if you ever said the N-word Because then your only response has to be like Well, yeah, of course. Yeah, no. And then I stick to my value 100%. I'm like, look, I don't say anymore Because it's cringe, but I mean, it can be funny.

Well, that fucks me up where there's certain people in my life Who are like on the alternative, you know, like just more progressive type, still great friends. But there's just certain sides. of me they've never seen and if they did they would fucking hate. See, I got

nothing like that. Everybody like I won't argue, we were like at this wet, like this funeral, we're at like brunch, this woman's like, went to some comedy show and this guy, it was terrible. The guy was like making jokes about beating women, which isn't funny. And I literally just stopped the woman and I was like well, he probably wasn't a very good comedian, you know, there's kind of an X, Y, access, you can make fun of anything.

Like I literally, I can't fucking let people say. Like, there's nothing more. Somebody could be like, no, I think we should like shoot kids in the head with bone arrows. And I'd be like, okay, everybody has different beliefs, but the second somebody's like, you can't make jokes about that, I turn into some fucking dude comedy douche and I'm like, you can make jokes about anything. With anything I withhold my opinion about, there's always some middle ground I can do where I'm still telling the truth,

but also not really saying like, you know, like for that, I would be like, yeah, well, you know, as long as it's funny, which is true, but also, I think a lot of that shit's funny. But the, but also, yeah, like, if somebody, I've been in so many parties after Barbie came out where everybody's just like, I think it might have been the best movie I've ever seen. I cried three times. I don't like that movie, but I'm not going to be the guy who argues about a movie to some hot chick,

so I just go, yeah, Ken was funny. You just find, like, the one thing you guys both agree on and just kind of, like,

act like you agree on everything. The only, the only topic, I think, that you shouldn't joke about is, like, me not getting an erection. Yeah.

Everything else is fine. Blacks. Gays. Well, this fight, too, because, like, what person,

like, I'm not saying in a heart, like, everybody has said the word. That's crazy. be like you're talking girls are like I've never said that word out loud ever yeah I mean maybe girls I can see but dudes I'm like shut up you gotta know you got to like say every word just in case like like what if you do say it like all of a sudden like your hands start glowing that was the key to my

power yeah I mean I could break down the ethics of you know whether it's okay or not in whatever context say the N word but now I'm picturing like a 10 minute conversation about like why I should be able to say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of those things where I'm like, I objectively think I should be able to say it. But I think that like it's so cringe that it's made people so uncomfortable

that like even if I jokingly say it, it just won't be. And I've tried to say it in a funny way. It has not slapped the way I've seen it. I do not think we should be able to say it, which is why I think it is funny. I think that's where I stand. I don't think it's right.

It's not good, but God damn funny. I don't think. I don't think I should ever say it unless I'm only around my white friends. Then what, of course. Genuinely speaking, nobody gets, like, if you're, it's, we all know it's totally different if you're, like, genuinely, like, using it is a bad way. But if you're, like, trying to be funny and, like, I don't see how anybody could actually get hurt.

And there's no, like, I get why. People say, like, oh, how about you get some balls and say that around black people? It's like, well, if that's your argument, then you're only saying around black people would only hurt people's feelings. So it would, you know what I mean? would only... Well, it's like a little private little thing. You just have with certain buddies.

It's like, you know, and that you don't even... Not everybody has to know that you like it. But it's like a certain context, whereas in other contexts, if you say it, it's just going to be the worst vibe ever. It will just kill anybody. I think it has to become your sexual kink. That's like when you can say it because sex is so positive. Yeah. Especially when I'm just choking the hell out of my drug.

Yeah, I told you that dominatrix. She said like, oh, yeah she's like I call black guys the N-Were, make them come. It's like now I've never made black dudes come. Like that woman has done more than I've ever done for black guys. The one thing about- I'm not a man. I'm a woman who uses the end. The one thing I'll say about Drod Carmichael is he made a joke to like his boyfriend

about like race play like, you know, that kind of stuff you're talking about. And I saw some stuff on the internet of like everybody saying like what a piece of shit he is for like being into that. And I'm like, he's into what he's into. How are you going to judge somebody else for wanting to be called the N-word? Yeah, it's insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you know.

The way he likes that? I don't know if it's the- guy. Because I'm saying in the comments for a year. You mean, I've been getting this queer off the whole box? That's like that moment where the guy realizes, uh, the one,

who was the guy who got himself in like a Playboy magazine or whatever? And it was just like guys blasting off to him, Burt Reynolds. Yeah. It's like my Burr Reynolds moment. He's just finding out of his dudes. Playgirls for men, yeah. Well, yeah, I think it's one of those things, too,

where it's like, one of my friends got really pissed to me because I was quoting somebody saying it. And I'm glad he did, because I'm like, dude, now I had no idea. Like, I thought I could quote people saying it for, like, until three years. I think there was a bit of a statute of limitations on that. I think that used to be a thing.

Clearly it ended. Yeah. They used to be like, yeah, you know, you're reading a, uh, to kill a mockingbird in English class, and you're like, please get to me when that sentence comes, like, please popcorn. Popcorn read me when that sentence is there.

Well, it would be funny if, like, a mailman just came up to you and, like, gave you letters, like, it's, yep, expired, no longer. Yeah, you can't do it. Yeah, you're like, look at this fucking, in the words of Samuel L. Jackson. Well, sometimes you meet somebody and you start, you find out they like a certain genre of thing or, like, you find, they call something gay and you kind of slowly start to learn. You're like, I think I found him. You're like, I can, I found another one I can say it around. But it's a very slow interview process. It also feels a little evil.

You feel like Darth Sidious a little bit. Like, I have the power. Well, it's like, I can't, like, you can't, I know we're having fun with this, but I get so, like, it's like, you can't act like, like, if black people were white and they were told you can't say the N word to any context, you would say it alone in Europe. Like, you would say it. Like, there's no, nobody has, like, you're told not to do something and you have the power to do it and nobody's going to find. out. Yeah. Well, I'm definitely not saying like in the mirror after getting to the shower.

Like I'm not doing it by myself. It's usually I have this friend and I just know, zero effort way to make him laugh is just saying it. It's just saying it in any context. I think the best way. It's not like I'm doing it because saying the word is fun. It's just a playful like I know he's going to laugh. Yeah.

The best way you can do it is use it as like an like an exclamation of joy. Yeah. Like excitement. Like ooh. Dude, I've gotten text to my white friend about stuff where he's like,

it's just like something silly I'm like, hey, are you bringing burgers? He's like, hell yeah, and word and you're like, no,

it does put a little, puts a little giggle on your face and you're like, all right. Or, uh, or if you ever play that, you ever play the jackbox games,

like, uh, that is a legendary moment. It's just the fucking nuclear card. It is, yeah. I used to do a, like,

uh, what's it called? Quip lash. Oh, yeah. It's sort of like cards to humanity's, but you decide what the car, pick what it is. Mine used to be

it was literally like the N word and then in parentheses I would just put the N word. Yeah, that's always a good. That one, whenever we play it with like me and my high school friends, it's just like all the names are just like girls we went to high school with that there's like

the longest series of inside Joe. And it's like my friend Jonah is like so good at playing quiplash with us because everything he says we're just dying laughing. Yeah. You got to be too. tuned into like the cultural like stuff going on within like the friend group.

The worst is when you play it and it seems like a really fun idea with people you're not as cool with. Yeah. And you go like like like I remember there was like one that was like what's the worst thing you could like say while getting torture or something like that.

And then all I could think was like N word. Like you know just like edgy stuff. Maybe somebody getting torture and you say the average like whoa. Or like that is like across the line. like worst thing to say it blank and I was just like what's you know the something

edgy as fuck and I was like oh I don't know if this is the type people I can actually like go for it I'm like queer and then I'll delete it and then I just put slurs I'm like that's decent you know that's a compromise and then she's just like who the fuck wrote that oh my god that's crazy you know those people should not be allowed to play quip lash yeah I don't know what their whole thing is

I mean she was like hungry hungry hippos but I think it is like it is a thing too where it's like I've heard myself say it and I'm like, oh, this does sound cringe and uncuff. Like, I don't think I have the comedic timing to say it in a funny way even. I just don't think it. Yeah, no, I mean, I kind of feel the same way about fagin. Like, I've said it jokingly to my friends recently. And I'm like, oh, thanks, man, appreciate me.

Thank you for Patty giving me the best. I think in about two seconds that timing. You know what? I haven't used faggin a long time. It really doesn't have any kind of punch to it. I mean, this apartment, it's bouncing around like a, like a, what do you call those, I wish I had a better analogy. You know, those balls.

in the room. The room with all the walls and you had the ball. Like a squash ball, handball? Whatever ball bounced off every single wall and just kind of...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Squash? Oh, that's the metaphor here, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Another thing about it, Christoph is somebody I call gay,

like within every two cents of talking to him. And so I'm sure that flies around, but everything else is not like I would insult like a random person and be like that, yeah,

probably would. I don't know. I don't know what my values are. I just think it's like, I don't know, it's one of those things where I'm like, it's a mix because I don't think there's anything morally wrong with me calling my gay friend or my straight friend's fags. But I, like, sometimes I say it. I'm like, I feel like I've just, it's just not as funny as I would.

But some people just hit it in the right note. You're like, oh, they just. Yeah. If you have a Boston accent, like, you can say it in the middle of like your wedding vows. Yeah. It'll still play. There's an E to say fig. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

but happy pride is what I was getting back to and, hey look, I had a finger in my ass last week. Happy pride. I almost, I will say, I didn't want to bring up my sex capades. Nice. I didn't want to bring up my sex capades, but I almost died. Oh, yeah. Did Jake tell you about this?

You told me about this. Oh, my God. Because of the finger? Okay, so I was with a lady and I was like, Michael was a bit of a mad scientist, let's say. This is like genuinely, because I know my family. This is Jekyll and be concerned about me.

Jekyll and Hyde right here. I had a come to Jesus moment where I just jerked off to a picture of Jesus. But no. I was like, okay,

well, I was like, I took, like, Blue Chew to go. Jekle. I took Blue Chew and I was like, I'm going to hook up

this girl. And she was doing poppers all night. Hyde. Shoot. She was doing fucking poppers. And I was like, okay, well, I don't know. We're hooking up.

And she's like, I don't want to have sex tonight. She's like, I'll jerk you off, though, or blow you and stuff like that. I was like, okay. And then I was like, you know what? You want to try? I haven't had a finger in my ass in a while. And I never liked it. But I was like, let me, I'm feeling like we got poppers.

Let's try it. And we tried it. And I was like, you know, didn't really get far. I got like maybe, you know, up to the first knuckle. And I was like, it just feels like you're going to shit. So I was like, I'm not a fan of this. Yeah. And then she

She like Anyway, I did the poppers But it's with a girl I only do gay shit With bitches Not I mean Yeah

That's what's up bro I don't do gay shit We have bitches But I looked up the next day They're like One of the most Deadly combinations

of drugs Is trying to use Viagra and amino nitrate And I was like Dude if I would have died With a finger In my fucking ass

Dude the amount of times The government Has tried to kill gay people It's insane They're like they're like, oh, AIDS didn't get them. Let's make a butt-loosing smell.

Yeah, and a dick-hard pill. And a dick-hard pill. That's like, dude, have you seen the Batman in 1989 movie? Yeah. The whole point of that, like, what the Joker does is he has all these chemicals and they can't trace them. They puts them in makeup and it kills people. But it's like the only thing that kills people is when you combine the products, but they don't know which products combining or killing the people.

So it's kind of like the perfect. I wonder if there's any, like, raccoons that they had to test, like, poppers and blue. chew. Because they do like the makeup and stuff. There's just like, why is the scientist taking the blue shoe? We'll do an experiment for that. Why is that pig's ass?

Loose. But no, you got to be careful with that because is she, is there ever the worry about pulling out a finger and getting a little, a little prize? Yeah, I was terrified. I was like,

I kept on being like, I'm like, I'm worried I'm going to shit on your finger. Yeah. Actually, I was on drugs. I was like, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, your biggest fear is like she pulls it out. It looks like Jimmy Neutron's head. God, you even shit like a bitch. Oh, my God. I was like, I'm worried of a shit on your bed. She goes, don't. I was like, that's not my, I'm not worried that I'll randomly be like, let me shit on her bed.

I'm worried that it would accidentally happen. What you would want to hear is like, baby, no worry. You know, these things happen, you know, you can't go in. you know, you can't go digging without expecting to find some gold. But instead she was like,

we struck oil! You can't finger my ass and be like, hey, you better not shit. And I'm like, I don't know. Why are we doing this? Don't be a disgusting weirdo.

I just think that was just a huge moment for me. And I'm like, you know what? I'm toning my life back a lot. Like I've heard you say that before. Yeah, I've said that probably 55 times

in this podcast. Yeah. Maybe we should start going to church. No. It does feel nice. I was in one for this funeral. I was like, okay, get the, get the appeal. I've been going to a Buddhist church past like three weeks.

I think I'm enlightened. Wow. Yeah, I just start floating. Well, the thing is with you is you always come off like so like, like, I think that's just the missing testicle. Yeah. I'm trying to make up for it. Yeah.

I'm trying to find enlightened. Yeah. I want to go on a vision quest to find it. Well, it's like you are like, like, do you think you having cancer? Like, because you were one of the most intellectual people I've thought. Like, I think I can have some deep conversations with you. Like, do you think that's from almost dying or not, or almost, I was always pretentious in high school. I was like trying to be deep.

And, uh, and then cancer gave me like a, uh, like an excuse. Okay. You know, now I have like, I was like, not only am I, this stuff isn't pretentious anymore, you know, I almost died. Yeah. You know, it's actually deep as far. The next day, I was just looking at the guy, bodega. I'm like, I could have never gotten to see this guy. Like, I was like a fucking like, like, like, I'm going to go to survivor meetings for like people.

or had near-death experiences. Yeah. That was like my thing. I think it was just a mechanism of like validation is looking up like all this philosophy videos in high school and being like, dude, I'm going to sound so fucking smart at this at this party. And then people are drunk and having fun. I'm like, no, guys, he's like rolling the boulder up the hill.

It's like a deep metaphor. It's just not fun. Are you good at chess? I'm okay. But like if you're really good, I'm not as good. Yeah. I've recently started getting But if you're like decently good

And you can like lose to some people Then I might have a shot Yeah Christoph is like He would be like annoying to play with Oh really? Well actually no It would be fun

But he would just beat me every single time Oh is he good? He couldn't yeah He could not only beat me But also be like yeah Three moves ago you could have done this or that You know I didn't know that

Yeah it was one of those like chess club in high school You know why he was doing that While I was getting pussy I guess Yeah nice He also has like a random aggressive side sometimes. Like I told him I liked Key and Peele better than than Chappelle's show. I was like, I think Keen Peele's like better than the Chappelle show. And then he ended up

getting so, he's like, no, you're a fucking idiot. He's like, what are you even talking about? Dude. I'm like, I'm just saying my opinion. He's like, yeah, what your opinion is fucking retarded. Well, I think that's one thing I really admire about him is that whereas I very much have like a people pleasy

kind of like agreeable part of myself that like really doesn't want to cause any issues in anybody. Same thing with like Barbie. It's like if I, or like, Bo Burnham's inside. Maybe I'll talk shit about that to a hawk girl. But like, if I'm talking to somebody, I'll try my best to like agree with them or like, you know, vibe or whatever, whereas Christoph is more himself all the time. Like, if he doesn't like something, he will say it and not just try to like get you to like him. Yeah, totally. Yeah. You know what? I've never seen him

and really with the audiences. He's really confident with audiences. Like, I've seen him like make fun of like a town's local militia. And like they're like, he like really doesn't give a fuck. Yeah, no, he's very opinionated and competitive. Well, you know, that's like, you know, anybody getting competitive. Like, I beat him in Smash like a few times in a row. You just like, you fucking asshole. Like, I'll kill you. Like, super, super invested in things.

But as far as chess, yeah, no, I got really into playing on chess.com for a while and I really won my score to go up. Played for like a month straight every day. Never went up. Yeah. It would go up a little bit. I'd have a few good games. And then I'd start playing with, it would match me with better people and then I'd go back down.

Yeah, I'm at like a 485 right now. And everyone I know is like an 800 to a thousand. I think it started me off around a thousand and I just kept it there. Oh, really? Or maybe it makes you do like 10 preliminary games and starts you off. That'd be sick if I just come in here and like the Black Dutche from the park or just playing against Jake Timothy with the timer. Yeah, with the timer, yeah.

Do you feel like you've gotten smarter as you've gotten older or do you think that you've, I think everybody has like a generalized kind of IQ? I used to worry that like fucking doing whippets or like just being a. dumbass was like bad for my brain. Now, when I stopped doing Adderall, I do feel like I got significant, I thought I got significantly less smart. But I realized I was like, no, a lot of this was like fake smartness. I was just getting like anphetamined up and doing like research about Jeffrey Epstein and

thinking. Maybe less focused too? Yeah, I'm less focused. But it's like now that I, if I map out my intellectual thinking, I'm like, oh, I think this is pretty nuanced perspective. And it's like, I don't know a ton, but I'm like, I think the way I think it, I think I'm a good critical thinker. And I think I'm better than I was when I was like.

I think drugs have affected my memory in the past. Like, I think there's a lot when I was, like, smoking weed every day that I'm like, yeah, a lot of that's, like, fuzzy. Yeah. But also, like, that might be, like, one of those things, too, where your brain, like, fills up with so much shit that, like, you... Like, I think when one memory enters, I do think that, like, one may be... It's not a one-to-one ratio necessarily, but it's, like, the older you get, the more shit you have, so, like, you forget certain things. So you're like, oh, I'll never be able to remember my eighth-grade basketball thing. But it's like, yeah, now you have a wife, and you can't forget her name.

That did fuck me up recently. I was reading like Reddit or something and it was like 40 year olds giving advice to like 20 year olds and one of the things I said is like yeah I'm 40 now, barely remember my 20s like early 20s it's like a vague kind of like

collection of experiences but they remember in the same way that I remember like you know eighth grade or whatever you know it's really annoying too about that I really value memories over everything and it looks like that's just out the window because I was like I was like well I spent all this money that I had saved up on like drinking going out on dates

with 44-year-old women, all those, like, dumb shit that I was like, well, I'll never forget this. And now that's just out of the window and I'll just not have memories. Oh, yeah, those moments where you're at the beach and surrounded by, you know, all these friends you love it, or you just had like, you know, you're talking to some girl and it seems you're going to going well, and you're just like, this is it. This is what I'm never going to forget this moment. And then a couple weeks later, and you're just, like, crying about something. And you're like, dude, I can't hold on to that good feeling.

Well, I do think I have an incredibly good memory because that girl, you were out with, Daniela, she was out with us. We went to that one place. That one weird escape room kind of thing. That bar, dead lever number seven, with all the different rooms. Oh,

yeah, I was like, I remember you dated my friend Ryan in the fourth grade and you guys met it at a gwee rock climbing gym. And she's like, how the fuck do you remember that?

I'm like, I have weird memories for, I think I was more like Ryan got a fucking girlfriend and I know. That's why I remember. That's why it affected you. I have almost no memory.

Like, I, there's like, entire things I've like written and done on stage or whatever in any different thing or drawn or whatever and I completely forgot that I had done that. So that is a certain thing too. Okay, that's not that crazy though because like those are like certain things do blend together. Like if I think about like my first year of stand up, I can remember like three glimpses of it or like I will think I wrote no new jokes in the year and I'll be like, oh no, I've just only like maintained like

five new minutes. But I tried a bunch of shit that I don't remember at all because you look through joke. Yeah, yeah. I'll watch old clips. I'm like, don't even remember I said that. Yeah. But I remember like, like you, you take like a trip anywhere. I can remember the trip everywhere. Like I went with my family to Costa Rica when I was a kid and I remember like such details about it. Mm-hmm. You know, like stuff like that. What about that? Like you remember like, you remember like vacation? Certain images really stick out in certain feelings. But as far as like, yeah, details is tough. You know, it's like there's, you remember when I was in eighth grade, I knew every single class and every single order I went to every, all of them every day.

I don't know if I could even one eighth grade teacher. But at the time, it's like... Names are impossible for me. I'm really bad with names. Yeah, by the time our like 10 year anniversary came around for high school, I like looked at the people who like went and I didn't know probably like 75% of the people. Yeah. I didn't even remember them from high school.

I was like, I have no idea who... And I think a lot of that is with stand up because you meet so many open mic comics. Right. And they just push everything. else out. But just in terms of regular memories, really bad. I could never retain any information from, like, reading it. I think, like, if I

read something, I think it goes somewhere else. Like, like, the actual thing that happened is not a memory, but like... Well, they say memories is you remembering the last time you remembered, which I don't know how that even... Yeah. I think, yeah, that's a good point. It's just some philosophical kind of thought experiment. How would you know what's

going on? Yeah, yeah, I don't know how they attest that. But I have always said that, yeah, and the memory you kind of changes over time because the freshest memory you have is the one where you just thought of it. I think things affect my intuition, but I don't like remember why. Okay. I mean, everything is just like these subtle collection of experiences that kind of add up in some way that you can't define. Yeah.

That's why I always thought it was interesting. Like if you realize like a lot of your friends from hometowns and you can see it in like other people, like them and their hometown friends, they kind of have. have like a certain way of acting and like hanging out. Totally. That's like very specific to whatever area they lived in or whatever, you know, like. And that's why when you come back and you see the people that you haven't seen in a while, there's like already a connection. It's like, oh my God, we're kind of like 50% the same person.

Yeah. Because the 50% of us lived this life together and have almost the same experiences. Same thing with like siblings. I mean, me and my brother were into the same exact like media, like watch all the same types of movies interesting, same type of stuff. I can't tell how much of that is because we had the same blood. Do you watch a lot of anime?

I don't, but he does growing up, we would watch anime. I became cool. When I picture you saying media, I don't know why I should immediately picture it. Because I sound like a fucking YouTube video essays. It came out of my mouth and I went fucking media. Yeah. But no, it encapsulates like red same books, like some movies, whatever. Yeah.

Same opinions about it. He's just like, acting as complex thing. It's just like school girls. The same hentai. But it's like how much of that is because we're actually related and how much of that is because we literally were like from the time I was born to like now, had the exact same life and the same parents and same values. It's so funny too because me and my brother are like inverse versions of each other in a lot of ways.

It's like I think like he's like a classy guy. I'm a complete trash bag. Like everything is like we're totally like we're very close. But I think we like certain things will over like humor we over like. humor we overlap completely, but I think we're like such different. But then me and my sister are like five years apart and we're really kind of the same people. Yeah. I feel like humor

is the number one thing that does kind of translate. Oh my God, dude, when you can't like get on the same, like I don't yeah, if I can't, I genuinely like not to be a fucking hippie, but like I genuinely can't vibe with somebody that I can't like you have the same humor. You ever mean somebody's humor's just so different? Yeah.

They're like, dooky at the beach. You're like, I don't know what you're doing right now. And they're like, Duke is swims. And you're like, the worst is when it's a whole group of people that think they're funny. That's a lot of my friends from back home. It's not that they're not funny, but they're just a little, like, I am very much like edgy white suburban boy, whereas they're like a little just more like urban. I guess there's black. You know, they're like, and it's just very different. I mean, like, I cannot be like, this is gay. That's gay. Like, ooh, you know, fucking like be a little weirdo like I normally. Yeah. It's just a different vibe. It's like they're still funny and they can. It's like, they're still funny. And they can. make me laugh, but I just know it's not on the same kind of like type. Dude, that's how I really felt about, have you seen any of those Please Don't Destroy Guys? Yeah. I think they're really funny, but I watched like their movie and I was like, oh, this is so interesting because it's very funny to me, but I'm like, these guys are like coming

from a completely different world. I could tell they like come from the improv world and they're like, I don't know if they're from the Northeast or something, but I'm like, I like, I like what they're doing. It's very funny, but I'm like, this is like, that's kind of different. Like, some people can make you laugh and it's different thing, but there's a different thing when it's like people can't like, they have a different sense you where you don't. don't find funny. Yeah, I've got a couple theories about this, but I think one thing is that's very weird to me is the way that like computers are kind of shaping us in that like I worked with this dude at this, at my New York, like the place I've been working in New York. And I didn't talk to

him forever. And then one day like I just asked him like, what do you listen to at work? And he said like, a couple things. And he was like, have you ever heard of Comtown? He was kind of embarrassed to say it. Yeah. And I was like, have I heard of Comtown? And then we start naming podcasts we both listened to and naming movies we're both into and like all this stuff. And then I realize I'm like, we were locked into the exact same algorithm like for our lives. Like all of the same computer program that we've been tapped into of like recommending stuff to us and like what we're interested in. The exact same. It's like we have essentially been molded into like the same, at least type of person that like, like I can't tell which is which. I can't tell if we were

shaved by the internet and like the stuff we were watching or if there's just some type of people that gravitate towards certain types of things and there's only so many types of people. Well, I saw a post today, it's the hawk taug girl is actually a sciop. I'm like, this is hilarious. Some guy just being like, yeah, they just want you to, they want you to spit loogies on a penis. Yeah, Comtown did kind of ruin a lot of people because like anyone who's into like edgy comedy, that's like the mecca of it. Yeah.

And once you get into that, like every other podcast is just not funny, really. It's like very hard. Yeah, change my vocabulary a lot after, after I. I mean, I started calling what... I was already calling shit gay, but it really changed the way I... Yeah. I think I kind of had the illusion

that, like, someday I'll grow out of, like, my little boy humor that I've had forever. And then once I found Comtown, I'm like, no, I think I'm gonna stay this way forever. Yeah. You see, like, Louis C.K. at, like, 60 years old,

just talking about farting come. And you're like, all right, well, I guess... Yeah, I can be a little boy forever. Yeah, yeah. That is always, like, kind of a fear, but also an excitement of mine as if, like, one day,

Like, I'm like, will I ever not find anything that funny? Because, like, I look at my dad. My dad's, like, a very serious guy. He's got a good sense of humor, but he's not, like, crack and wise, you know? So I'm like, fuck, that might be me one day. But then I'm like, oh, but then life does get a little simpler, I think. Yeah. You kind of focus on the important thing.

That's where we get into the point of the podcast. We're like, that's why it's just so great, guys, that we're doing what we're doing. You know, it's like, we just don't fit the mold of, like, a regular person. It's like I can't talk to anybody who doesn't talk about their penis. Yeah. Well, it could also be a really funny prank to just go to a comedy club in like glasses

and then just act like you change your like to all the comics. You're like normal SpongeBob. Yeah. I'm just realizing that's what that is. You're like, hi, how are you? No. Wonderful weather we've been having.

Yeah. We do got to wrap it up. What do you guys want to promote? No, I really got nothing. Instagram, Joe Dex Comedy. News from bed. Thank you, Michael. Of course.

Yeah, by the way, News for Bed is fucking great podcast. Oh, thank you. And thank you. Yeah, sorry we missed last week, but thank you everybody for fucking listening. I really do appreciate a lot.